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My brother just killed himself about two months ago. Right before his suicide, I started my first job out of college and moved to a new state. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. I tried to save him, but failed.) He was 26 years old and I'm 22. He suffered from bipolar disorder, diagnosed around the age of 15. I spent most my youth planning to become a neurologist and or psychiatrist in order to help him. We were extremely close. He was my best friend. Now that plan is in the shitter. How could I ever start a successful business, family, etc..? I moved to a new state in my brother's time of need. I was and am a coward. I guess my question is how can I prove to myself that I'm not a loser after losing/giving up on my brother. Thanks

Not meaning to oftend you. But recently a guy on the forum was ghosted by his ex. And it was unbearable and he talked about suicide. His messages were left on read. I was ghosted by my ex too. It felt like a mental shock. So I could understand what he was going through. I felt so much pity for him, I cried so badly. I even offered myself to him as a rebound that he could use to get over his ex for a few weeks. It was that bad. He thanked me later for serving as a temporary girlfriend and for giving him emotional support. It's okay to not read or reply stuff if it's a casual date and you know that person since a few days to a week. But in a relationship that's, beyond two months, ghosting, leaving on read, blocking etc, even dumping by text, basically not giving proper closure to the other person, I see these behaviors as reckless and uncaring of the other's emotional states.

I thought to myself there are lots of people who are depressed, sometimes i told myself most people are depressed. But they are not. Stats say 5% of the world population is depressed. At the psychiatry too there isnt lot of peers among my age. Im 17 and at the psychiatry there isnt lot of people at all. Its a weird thought and it should not happen but its just weird to me how no students commits suicide. Not because school is stressful or any of that. (I actually like school btw). But rather because of depression itself.

@zurew it is not just about my suffering. It gets transfered onto others who are good just by them looking at me or being near me. Yeah, I don't think I am more damaging than anyone else, I'm even less damaging, but I'm still worthless in this world and damaging. I also cause damage to bugs and animals sometimes just by staying alive. So I just cause damage to myself and others and I basically have no reason to live. Myabe suicide is much better Karma, but okaY, whatever, I will continue to live in this terrible body and house and do the best I know, but it is not gonna be good enough, ever. I think I might be poisoned or something, but will not be able to test that in the next ten or twenty years. So the pros of suicide are sometimes that you actually help a lot of other beings by dying and you make them happier.

Hey, Leo. My name is Simen. I am a 26-year-old man from Norway. I've been watching your videos for a few years now. I want to tell you that I don't want to live in this reality anymore. I quickly want to point out that I am aware of the things you say to justify why suicide is pointless. I have to speak from where I come from, though, and stay true to how I view things (my thoughts and feelings). As you say: 'me' sending this message to you is pointless because it will be as though I am sending this message to myself. I am not at your level, nor can I agree to this, in all honesty. I just take you for your word a lot of times. (I have become somewhat conscious as I did try Psilocybin this summer) I struggle a lot with romantic love, to the point where I can't care about anything else. I can't care about getting a job anymore. I can't care about socializing, even though that is probably the solution. I am not unattractive by any means. There's been plenty of women attracted to me at work and through life, and I have felt many times that I could go up to multiple women, talk to them, and have a genuinely high chance for something positive. But my desire for how I want reality to work has grown too strong at this point. To the point that I'm coming up with excuses even if I am certain I have a good chance, with a woman. I am also bothered a lot about looks and beauty. Whenever I go out, there isn't 1 time I am 'not' bothered by other people's looks. Men especially. It's horrible to go through life this way. I cry a lot these days, mostly because of certain cases in that I've screwed up love with another girl(s), and things that didn't work out, but most of all, it's because of how I want it to be. Why can't everybody be attracted to everyone? Why didn't I incarnate myself half-conscious into this life? Wouldn't that be a better existence? These are just a couple questions I guess I just want to ask someone I feel has the answers. But this message isn't for that matter. You have thought me a lot, and I guess I am just grateful for it. I guess, in return, I want to say 'thank you' for being there for me through hard times. Now, please hear me out here. I really want to make you happy. You've said that the hardest thing you've had to accept has been that you are all alone. You also say that I, don't really care about you. Man.. don't be like that. To me, that isn't true. In this dream, you've helped a lot of people. And this too: When you pass away and incarnate into something else at a later point, as god, won't it be as though that doesn't matter, that your new parents are imaginary? Because you won't be as conscious to recognize that, then. I won't attempt anything just jet as I am complied to make some specific things right, first, for me. But I am not passionate enough to do the work that you always tell me to do. I just am not motivated to do anything in this life anymore, no matter what anyone says can change my mind. I don't want to change anymore, and the last think I will do is to get help.

@AtheisticNonduality He didn’t just murder other people, it was a mass murder of children. It’s also not about resources for me. I think he should be killed for committing a mass murder. It’s just that simple, if you commit a mass murder of children you die. I don’t care who he will be in 60 years. There’s billions of us who don’t commit mass murder. There are probably people he affected who will commit suicide as a direct result of his actions, people who may end up homeless and on drugs, people who in 60 years are shells of what they could of been. Who knows? in 60 years his victims will still be dead. Let’s care more about Cruz though. Jk, I know you aren’t caring more about the mass murderer than all his victims and their families and communities. And ultimately, if he spends his life in prison, who knows. Maybe he will find a way to contribute. I still think he deserves death for what he took from everyone else.

The two reasons I lost my freedom, was placed on an order and lost my spiritual gifts: 1. Walking on the road (did this once) I had spent the night in complete agony and madness, without any family support, homeless, lost my keys, wallet. The darkness was making sounds so I huddled up near a street light near the side of the road. After many long hours of this, stuck in contemplation, I finally had the insight to lean into the darkness and madness. It all flees when you lean in. I laid down on the road and stared at a brick. Then I gathered up more courage to face the cars head on that were rattling with negative energy and threatening to kill me. So I began walking on the roads. There was a giant graffiti on the side of the road that said ‘voluntary suicide’ and that’s what I called it, voluntary suicide. The spirits/signs congratulated me on my courage but after the police caught me and sent me to the hospital they recommended I practice with birds and off of the roads. 2. Inappropriate sexual conduct in hospital Sexuality is the fastest way to shift energy (a nightmare at the very end of psychosis taught me that, where I had sex with Satan with a drill in the background - drills symbolised death). And I was in the worst experience of my entire life. I genuinely thought I was going to be raped and murdered because of a core major belief in the Unification. The unification was the major belief that the whole planet was awakening and unifying on all levels, including sexually. But that in some spheres sexuality had become corrupted and the need to unify had turned into rape. I thought perhaps if I committed ‘voluntary suicide’ by offering myself up I would be spared the rape. After that they forcefully jabbed me and placed me on an order. The frightening thing is, I predicted the jab. The jab was a part of what the darkness threatened to do to me. Paralyse me then rape me. I still think sometimes that if I hadn’t offered myself/shifted the energy that the jab would have paralysed me instead of saved me and I would have been raped on another plane of existence. “It was what got me through a hellish experience but no one will believe me of course and everything shifted to where it never happened. Sexuality has a way of shifting higher dimensions. So I did that. Strange men in black who I didn't know but apparently knew me took me so it resulted in that. "Extreme times call for extreme measures" It was like a ritual. ” . Spider is going to get you first paralyse you then wrap you up and feast on you . Okay. I genuinely don’t know if I was mad or had delusions or not. I didn’t act crazy except for meditating with my hands ( fos ro dah! ). That’s the point when you’re crazy, you don’t know. Now that might be because crazy doesn’t exist and we’ve been gaslit, after all consciousness can pretty much do anything. My heart won’t tell me, it keeps flip flopping.

The thing is you don't know, and you have to accept that. It might be the case, that it would have much more upside than downside, or the opposite, but you don't know that, so you are committing yourself to the unknown. Maybe there is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe there isn't. Even if there is such a thing as reincarnation, why would it be guaranteed that your next life would contain less suffering than the previous one? There are many other assumption baked into your questions. Why would you assume, that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, that you would only reincarnate to Earth, or that you would only reincarnate as a human, or that your suicide won't have any karmic consequences?

@Ethan1 Yeah, thanks for hearing me out. My cousin died of suicide yesterday, she was 16. She was taking anti-psychotic meds, and I used to force myself to take the same when I was her age. I remember having better days lying about taking the meds rather than taking the meds. She probably didn't give herself that space of honesty. I'm resonating the most with anger through the grieving process right now because of how quick and easy healthcare still claims to sell treatment. It makes me sad that my cousin never even tried or was encouraged to try a vegan diet to better herself. I only got to cook around her when she lived with me about 2 months ago for a fortnight. She took her meds every night. She was better at drawing than I am. It's really shallow of the medical industry to not ask their patients to investigate their diets. At least with veganism you have an ethical view on your own sadness and an applicable problem to take the world up with. All of my relatives are certain she had a mental offishness about her we never could place. She seemed so happy with everybody, they say. Goddamn, if only she was allowed herself to smoke weed and trip like I did at her age. Still, I wasn't allowed by authority by any means. ___ This also made me think of something. I look back on all of the run-ins I had with the law as an attempt on my part to BE MORE NORMAL as a young person growing up. It was the rebellion itself that normalized my stigmatized mental illness. I was overjoyed one time, high on acid, laughing through my grandparents dismay, handcuffed to a gurney in the ER because they were fully aware that I was just somebody who didn't care. I was more simple than some new pseudo-illness that society has just realized. The episodes of grief that struck me before that epiphany occurred in revolt to what authority asked of me. Rather than having been an AFRAID STIFF ANAL mental patient listening to what mom said to take and going to church because she said so, that is who I became. Funnily enough, in my senior year, I ended up attending church anyway because I enjoyed going and playing in the worship band.

The invasion of Iraq wasn't justified on the grounds of the aftermath of the Gulf War of 1991, after which promptly the US sanctioned Iraq for 12 years until the full-blown military invasion and regime-change operation of Saddam Hussein in 2003. As we know it was justified on the now-proven subsequently manufactured and false presumption and claim that Saddam's regime in Iraq was directly, and indirectly involved or was also the one orchestrating the suicide bombing of the World Trade Center, Twin Skyscraper Towers in New York, US, while in fact twelve of those sixteen suicide-bombers were from Saudia Arabia and were indoctrinated among other things with the extreme wing of fundamentalist Wahhabist Islamist ideology that has/and still has to an extent it's main sponsorship in the Islamic world from Saudia Arabia, the US and some other western countries main petroclient and oil slushfund in the M.E. up until that point, we shall see if that still remains the case in the fututre now having this current conditions and mood towards it currently in mind, and on the false amplified and trumped up moral panic and alarmist hysteric claim that his regime was in the meantime actively working on a program, under heavy crushing economic sanctions and embargoes as a 'punishment' for it's Gulf War adventurist invasion generating a huge humanitarian and actual famine inducing crisis in Iraq in the 12-year time span in the meantime before the invasion, for manufacturing weapons of mass destruction to target American troops in the Middle East. Not to mention the fact that the US and some other western countries like France in the Iraq-Iran war almost openly publicly and actively backed Saddam Hussein with some modern tech and weapons in just 2-3 years prior to the Gulf War in invading Iran, which was then seen as reactionary clerical Islamist theocratic state regime that needs to be overthrown and strangled as soon as possible while it's weak in its cradle in order to get the Shah back in power and to secure that sweet Persian gulf oil for extraction for western private multinational oil companies for a cheap price of course. What's even more devilish and deceptory in the invasion justification itself is that a NATO country, the US in this case, for the first and one only time still in NATO history called upon Article 5, on the basis that it was attacked on its own soil, to call upon other NATO members to go with it in Afghanistan to jointly conduct bombing, miltarily invade the country and subsequently then conduct counter-terrorist operations within it, because the Taliban helped shelter and provide logistics and some collaboration to Osama bin Laden right before and after the 9/11 bombing while Saudia Arabia where the main bulk of the ideologically motivated terrorists that carried out that terrorist attack where from was magically left off the hook, spared any shared guilt, burden or responsibility for directly or indirectly providing a lot of the ideological basis behind the attacks, while at the same time engaging in regime-change operations of the Taliban government in Afghanistan as well and beginning its attempt of nation-building for the long-term, and it also tried to goad some other NATO members to invade Iraq as well on that same basis and justification and false claims and manufactured, distortedly presented evidence that Saddam Hussein was also involved in the 9/11 bombings, which most of them as far as I am aware of refused, except for Amerophile, cringe part of Poland, undermining it's until then principally held historical legacy as an often defensive, historically victimized, invaded and occupied buffer country with that hypocritical, cringe move, that actually sends some of its active detachments there together with the main invasion force. The fact also that France, which was aware that it was also actively backing militarily and economically Hussein during the Iran-Iraq war, outwardly refused, out of not wanting to jump in its own mouth, to participate in the invasion of Iraq, a country that it actively backed not some fifteen years prior and goading it to try to defeat Iran in the war in order to collapse it's newly founded unfavorable to it regime there, instead of the US or Britain, says volumes in itself about the actual proven, existing ulterior motives that went behind the justification behind that invasion operation and plan as well. So in short, to recap, a country headed by an unfavorable brutal, authoritarian figure for the Western economic interests at that particular moment, not from before I assume when he invaded another country ten to three years prior in which he was actually partially militarily and economically aided by some western countries to do so because that current regime is unfavorable to you namely the Islamic Republic of Iran, screwing up your economic interests at home and abroad in the Middle East by spiking up the oil prices because of his still partial at that moment invasion and occupation of the north of Kuwait, where the main oil field dispute was, until after the announcement of operation Desert Storm the Iraqi military proceeded then to invade it's capital city as well is you think a justification enough to bomb and invade a country, as a whole after imposing crushing economic sanctions on it, 12 years after on the basis on an unrelated incident to itself that involved most of the perpetrators coming from a country that also could be known to be even more barbaric, vicious and brutal, or you could say socially regressive and authoritarian in some social aspects than Iraq at that said time and which at that time most promoted and sponsored the ideology which motivated the main bulk of those perpetrators to carry out those world-famous terroristic attacks and acts but that is also needed for your oil flow and economic interests as a economically key partner and client in the Middle East? The fact, that you also said that you are currently living or from a country that was one of the main junior partners of the US in the invasion and the subsequent war-torn occupation zone partialization of Iraq during the regime change operation, namely Britain, while seemingly brazenly, proudly and in the open, without a degree of self-reflection and guilt, gish-galloping on inventing ad hoc reasons that first come to your mind as you go about the stereotypes of the history of that country for the justification of its bombing and invasion based on directly unrelated historical events and engaging in deliberate or undeliberate distortion and deception about the actual historical events and facts to seemingly fool people who know no better on it's history that led up to the invasion while simultaneously projecting on and claiming biases on others based on nationality is so biased, clueless, morally empty and hypocritical that it's astounding that there is not an actual degree of self-reflection and degree of guilt and consciousness regarding that involved here. You project and claim Leo is blinded by bias that you conveniently invented for him to project yourself (or perhaps your own guilty consciousness) upon by you asserting for him, almost as a nationalist authoritarian would, his main nationality for him to identify with in the Russia-Ukraine war, while you as a claimed and identified with Brit seemingly openly cheeringly and without a tinge of seeming guilt and shame actively go on about inventing cherry picked reasons from some selective pulled through events of Iraq's history as you go in justifying your country's past military involvement in the bombing and invasion of Iraq which left an estimated almost million people dead in total in its wake and aftermath several years after is so hypocritically morally empty and vacuous, astoundingly ignorant and borderline criminal that one should not even have to point it towards and out to someone if he is that un-self-reflective and unconscious regarding his own countries of origin and identification with past not so long ago crimes.

This forum needs better resources for dealing with suicide.

What is the downside? It looks like Karma is becoming a new God fearing symbol that punishes the bad. What if life is unbearable from chronic illiness caused by somethig and people problems? If there even is such a thing as a self that suffers the consequences of suicide, wouldn't you have already paid the Karmic debt in this life to some extent? Why not just go in circles until Earth grows to a high enough stage of spiral development and then you don't have to suffer as much anymore?

I am not a spiritual person and didn't really ask these questions in the past. Now that I am on the brink of suicide, these existential questions became more relevant to me. How do I find answers to the following questions... Who am I? Where did I come from? Where did existence come from as well as all these other people in my life that i don't get along with? Where are the Gods if there are any? Why isn't reality just nothingness the way it is every night I go to sleep? Why care about life when we are gonna die anyways and there is no life after this one? What is the difference between me and you? If nothing, why am I still here and why does it feel like we are different and separate?

Out of all the gazillion possible incarnations, I have incarcerated at the end of times. Thank you, God Personally, I don't believe in this Shunyamurti/prophet nonsense. Though, I can see that with the rapid evolution, things are slowly (at least for now) getting worse globally and for the majority of people. My thoughts is that humans will simply cope in some way that doesn't involve many major changes to the systems they have created. Though, the disconnection and polarization between humans will keep increasing rapidly, and at a higher pace. We will eventually become different species. Right now, it's only first-world to third-world. In the future (maybe a couple hundred years), it will reach like 50th or something. But all in all, the only way to wipe out this cancer called humanity is by some year-long meteor shower. Or maybe if the earth decides to commit suicide and explode on its own.

Wow, I posted on this thread or a thread like this a while ago (think it wasn't this thread). My first cousin just self-deleted today. She was 16 years old. Her twin brother found her dead this afternoon. Yeah, from where I'm sitting, suicide is not cool. I live with my grandparents, and I was told right before my grandfather arrived with lunch. He didn't know. We had a very difficult meal. He was his same joking self, and my grandmother and I kept making this solemn eye contact. When he finished his meal and let it be known to him, he let out a sound similar to a dog yelping in pain. I won't forget it. I won't ever get to see my cousin at a drunk Christmas party, or any future family vacation. I have to live knowing that I was one of the few who has harvested her soul just from direct contact. It is a direct experience that will no longer fathom itself. I literally saw her 2 months ago. Don't kill yourself, it's really selfish to have everyone who knew you regurgitate these unoriginal feelings of grief and mourning just because you doubt your living potential. Doing anything is better than self-deletion. If it prevents you from being a doormat, start a fight with teenagers who are cutting themselves in front of you while they are drunkenly confessing their pain. If you realize what can be gained from being just and important from that alone, people are the last thing that matters. Negative societal behaviors are really what you encounter, not people. If you are honest with this you become actually God, just and possibly capable of changing others to positive behavior because they are literally algorithm to you -- no reason to be afraid of a recurring algorithmic experience. Suicide is pettyyyy

It is true that suicidality is in a way nothing else than forgetting that you actually want to be here. And yet: If everything that happens during your lifetime is a product of Your (=> God's) will and creation, then doesn't that necessarily include the potential act of suicide? Could suicide even be a thing if it wasn't also part of God's plan? It's an interesting paradox, to say the least.

@Breakingthewall @Gladius + @everyone, yes, so, it appears slaves in ancient Rome lived a better life than me. That's fucking insane. Right now I feel terrible and feel like I wish I did not exist. For the past two days I was also feeling weak, afraid and hopeless. So yeah, my family is my enemy as well. They want me to suffer and fail. They lie, hide, manipulate, cross my boundaries, etc. It started in my childhood and now it is coming to an end. It is harder to attack someone selfish and basically evil than myself. I just have a problem with leaving my money and other stuff behind to them. It is cold here and I want to go to hell. I know life after death does not exist, but I feel this way now. Do you know any good charity organization, I know it would be terrible to basically ask one of you do you need money. My suicide is gonna be a result of society, family and a group of elites pushing me down, not this site, to be clear.

Dude. So many points about this. 1) Even if You someday wake up to your God Nature You will forget about it anyways. And then come back again. And then forget again. It's your nature to get lost in your dream. You forget because actually You WANT to forget. Even if You think You don't want to. 2) Fictional? Fake? Hell the fuck no. This is YOU. This is your LOVE for YOURSELF. Nothing about this is fake, depressing or a lie. 3) By "your own will"? Hahaha. That's a good one. It's the opposite. You have to get out of your own way. Let God into your heart. 4) You don't "suicide and onto the next dream". Forget about this crap. LIVE. That's why You ARE here, to BE here! You don't want to die. If You're thinking of killing yourself You don't have enough perspective and You're closed off from God. And I'm not judging You, because I've had these same thoughts. I get it, really. But I'm telling You - You're SERIOUSLY misunderstanding this shit if you think killing yourself is even a slightly good idea. Consider this small intuition exercise. Imagine You discover the Voice of God inside your heart. Now focus and try to imagine what would God tell You about killing yourself. Good idea or no? Hint: You can do whatever You want and God will NOT judge You whatsoever for killing yourself. But You DON'T want to do it! YOU DON'T. Listen to your heart! It was YOUR WILL to come here in the first place, ffs! 5) You don't have to let go of your family early on. In fact, LOVE them more than ever before. Be more genuine. 6) Yes, go for the objects of your desires, whatever they are. But not because "everything is already fictional" (which is bullshit), but because YOU WANT to. The more You awaken to God, the more You discover your Spirit, your deepest values and genuine desires. You will have plenty of things You want to do in life. 7) Ultimately I'd say I had similar thoughts to You and I'd just tell You to live through it. The further You go, the more You will understand that they were bullshit You can always PM me if You want to.

@Leo Gura @Pateedm @Loving Radiance ? Only twice a week do I ever plan to, but on some dates during the week I’ll just have one. So yeah, a bit. Not enough to get hungover. Btw, fwiw, that street discussion was a nice research experience for me. I talked to probably >20 very hot girls, probably in sororities (median age seemed about 20) and about a dozen other people, and what I noticed is that, in general, the hotter a girl is, the more self aware they are of their blatant attraction to men who are assholes (they brought up that initial topic, not me, but I teased out a deeper exploration) and their aversion to niceness… I already basically understood as much, but I wasn’t quite aware of just how self aware they are of it! But I convinced every last one of them that it’s not the assholes that they’re attracted to, it’s the guy’s ability to pull off being an asshole. They were acting like they’d just been enlightened when I explained to them the mechanics of how they felt, and I think some of them even walked away feeling less like they need someone who treats them like shit (and in turn, maybe even felt less like they have to act like a bitch ?) — but who knows. Felt like I may have made a slight positive impact on the world; butterfly effect and all that. Put yourself out there, guys and gals! If I can do it, anyone can. I’ve even dealt with severe erythrophobia (fear of blushing) — the subreddit for that condition is practically a suicide prevention forum… it can be so surprisingly debilitating. It’s directly a result of being ashamed of one’s own social anxiety, plus light enough skin and enough blood vessels in the face that blushing is extremely noticeable when it occurs. It used to be the bane of my existence. I don’t even notice it now — it may or may not still happen… I literally don’t even know, nor does it matter anymore.

I think you should take him to a counselor as soon as possible and be by his side 24/7. Convince him that suicide is a bad thing. Also console and comfort him. Most people who are suicidal are that way only for a while, they feel depressed for some time and a feeling of helplessness causes a person to be suicidal. This usually lasts a day or two. Suicide is always a reckless impulsive instantaneous decision due to extreme frustration and helplessness. Usually these feelings disappear when the person begins to feel safer. Your job is to de-escalate and comfort the person as much as possible during this window period so their overwhelming feelings begin to diminish and they start feeling normal again. Usually a person doesn't want to kill themselves. It's a temporary feeling of desperation that shouldn't be ignored. It's a cry for help. Our survival instinct is very strong and generally overrides such feelings. A suicidal person is generally subconsciously looking for someone to listen and understand their overwhelming emotions, they are looking to be heard, to be listened and to be accepted. Talking about their problems and letting them open up while patiently listening and letting them open up is a huge key to stop a person from suicide. Be there for them at the time of need. Hope they feel better.

My brother is in depression and told me that he might suicide. What to do?

Say me, 22 y/o guy, by my own will, wake up to my Godhood now and to how I'm creating every situation and person that I interact with. None of them have a POV, they're just figments of my consciousness and they only ever exist when they're in my direct experience, as well as everything else. At the same time, I decide that I don't want to die for whatever reason and instead gonna use my Godly power to manifest the life of my dreams and carry that through instead, since I don't see a point in living a life that I already know is entirely fictional, so I'd prefer to live out MY (ego) fiction instead. Now I've come down from the realization and I find myself in a mansion, some cool cars in the garage, billions in my bank account and a hottie waiting for me in the living room. At this point there is no denying that I AM God, that I am all alone, all powerful, and that this is just a very advanced simulation of my imagination. There is no bed to crawl under when I feel dread over my own existence anymore. No one else to blame either because there's no one there. At that point, what is left to do? Have I ruined the game/dream? How am I supposed to let go of everything that I've grown up thinking I knew and that I assigned meaning to over the years? Everything is reduced to 0, nothing, nada. I don't think I can carry on with the lie, heck, not even know, but even much less after that. And that's exactly the problem. I genuinely feel like I already know this is all fake, intuitively so. I feel to the core of my being that if I truly wanted to I could collapse the entire "Universe" right now. I could wake up right at this moment through my own will, because I already know I'm the first cause, always. Not a forum, not a psychedelic, not a meditation technique. It's ME... And this, is just all so saddening. Having to let go of my family early on, and that at this point I have no choice in the matter because I know too much, I've seen too much. And once that happens, I think I'll just suicide and onto the next dream, a clean slate... and that is just as saddening. I feel like I've already lost them, the few people I had in my life. And I am so young too... I wasn't ready for this (could anyone be?). On one hand I can't keep on living a lie of this magnitude, I just have to know the truth to keep going. And on the other hand, I kind of don't wanna find out because once there's no more doubt, I won't be able to bear the fact and I'll kill myself. I feel like I'm in the middle of a "unstoppable force meets an immovable object" situation and it's just dragging me down like you have no idea. I don't know what to do anymore, if there even is something I could possibly do.

my father died of that, it is a difficult death. If something like this happens to me, I would like to have reached the point where with total calm and with a certain joy of having fulfilled my duty, I can commit suicide and leave when I decide. although perhaps at that moment I consider that what I should do is suffer until the last moment. until that day comes, impossible to know

Exactly. Putin seems like he's playing 4d chess he doesn't really come across as a Palestinian suicide bomber or an American school shooter (who both basically take their own lives in the process). The thing that freaks me out is his ego being as his country and having an attitude of if I go then the world goes. That freaks me the fuck out if I'm being honest. I think the best thing that can happen is him to bow out in a way where he can save face. I just don't want his back to be so against the wall that he does the unthinkable. Then again I'm pretty sure there are procedures for such things and he doesn't have the ultimate say in doing something so destructive. Thanks for the response.

Another good figure in this space is Christian Picciolini. He's founded a couple of organizations like Life After Hate and the Free Radicals Project with the goals of deradicalizing far right extremists. The good news is that safety is not really a concern any more, because you can volunteer to help deradicalize people online. Just talking in Discord groups and stuff can help to make a big difference. Biggest thing to watch for, if you want to take this on as a life purpose, is that you aren't burning yourself out. "Fash Fatigue" is a common side-effect of engaging in these kinds of dialogues in an empathetic and understanding way. Some people like Daryl Davis have the patience and a special skillset that allows them to deal with extremely triggering conversations in an understanding and compassionate way. Most people don't. Nazis will shit-test you constantly and either try to convert/gaslight you or just hurl abuse at you, or try to trigger you so much that you give up on them. Even the ones trying to reach out for help who are flirting with the idea of deradicalizing. I know several people who tried to deradicalize and ended up getting radicalized themselves. It's like reaching in to save a drowning person, if you don't know what you're doing they'll probably drag you down too. If you want someone else to be open, the danger is you have to sincerely open yourself up too. I've been sucked back in myself several times. It's akin to signing yourself up to a suicide hotline with no training and listening to people talk about how they want to kill themselves for hours a day. It takes a huge toll on you, mentally and emotionally. It's extremely draining and there's no short-term return. You won't have someone magically deradicalize after one conversation, it's a long and winding process of addressing every concern and argument they have. It takes weeks or months, and in many cases you'll never get to find out if your work actually made a difference or not.