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I was suicidal in a serious way in the past and the only thing that stopped me is precisely the "weighing of options". You are not gonna decide the last moment..you gonna rush into it unconsciously. If you gonna stand there at the edge of a cliff and logic with yourself about potential scenarios of afterlife and the fact that this life at least is known and understood to some degree whereas after death is completely and utterly unknown..then you literally can't do it . Unless it's nonstop chronic pain like a serious injury then if the intensity of the suffering is not more powerful than the fear of the unknown then you won't do it . People think they can suicide because of philosophical reasons and reading people like Emil Cioran or Albert Camus..that's a childish fantasy. I think everyone has the right to die peacefully with assistant suicide which is painless. It's their own right. Then again what we do want is to live in peace ..not die in peace. But sometimes death seems more peaceful than life and sometimes the opposite.

Some time after ego submission when Im laughing off physical death...I dont know how to properly explain it...but basically its like "are ya ready to go?" Like I know I can die right there and move into a world of my own creation without a hitch. Towards the end of every big shroom trip I take there are points where my breathing is drastically slowed to a point where I have not taken a breath for a solid two minutes and Ill get some kind of signal that if I want to...erm..leave, just dont take another breath. No pain, no fear, no angst. If I want to stay, just breathe. In every scenario Im called back because it actually feels more exciting to me to finish off and become the hero of this human story. Like the pay off for staying will be just rewarding as anything else I could dream of and this is always accompanied by a sense of everything being perfect and I am already precisely where I want to be, doing exactly what I want and need to do. Then god pats me on the head and salutes my perseverance, courage and strength. I feel its worth noting that in studies of suicide survivors, bridge jumpers in particular, their immediate first thought after leaping is more or less "I made the wrong decision here". They instantly regret trying to kill themselves while in the act. Here's what I would say - if its just going to be a pity party and add to the misery (which there is already enough of) then find a way to keep going because in some way you would be forsaking the gift and you definitely don't to step into the abyss of eternity with a bitch heart and subservient bitch mentality.

Suicide means you are suffering..nothing could be more obvious. We don't actually want to die..that's not the default of humans .but the equation is :unbearable suffering +zero hope or alternative soultion in sight = Suicide. Yes ..most Eastern religions say if you die by killing yourself you will reincarnate in a lesser life form like an animal or insect.. .and Abrahamic religions say if you kill yourself you will go to hell. I feel like there is some truth to it . If not..then why does it not feel right?

why would reality moralise suicide, thats just societies making people feel guilty

This was a reason Shakespeare's hamlet didn't jump to his death to commit suicide - Wether it is better to endure the pains and injustices of the human condition or risk the unknown of what happens after

Isn’t life and death a duality that collapses? I’m not sure suicide solves anything.

I'm not afraid what happens after since my personal research and spiritual insights point to heavenly realms and unconditional love as the ground of being on the other side - What prevents me from committing suicide is the brain damage and survival worse off if it fails and once you attempt to end the body you can't control the outcome - Also there is the problem of spirit guides or Christ conciosuenss avatars in the astral realms that could possibly dictate what happens to you next and force you back into another life or body or to come back in the broken body you tried to exit but honestly I want to bitch slap the spirit guides and get answers what the fuck is going on

I want out - Like if I'm infinite god intelligence then where is the exit button or do I have to commit suicide - spiritual teachers love to say oh you are awareness of the dream character, you are not the identity being played, but you are the conciosuness making this happen, and they say I am god and yet they do not explain how to wake up from this dream - I want out - Government assisted suicide should be legalzied for all time periods and cultures of human history and civilizations - I hate life.

I need your help to assemble a list of juicy Stage Purple examples! List of Stage Purple Values: The tribe/clan, community Family & tribal bonds, blood relationships Living together, contribution to the tribe Group activities, group celebration Honor Humility Self-sacrifice Respecting elders, ancestors, customs Taboos and customs Ritual, ceremony Mother nature, harmony Magical powers Spirit realm, spirit deities Mystery Mystical intuition Rites of passage Sacred objects & places Traditional music & dance Myth, sharing stories Retaining ancestral and tribal memory Reciprocity, sharing, cooperativ-interdependence Warding off evil spirits Cursing/hexing one’s enemies Psychic powers Out of body travel Respect of elders for their wisdom & experience Wisdom of the elders Family relics and heirlooms Religious medals, lucky charms Sacred words Stage Purple Examples: Carlos Cataneda’s Don Juan, Amazon tribes, African tribes, Indonesia tribes, Native Americans, Middle East, New Guinea, Bosnia, the Zulu, Bwiti, Hawaiian culture, Indian culture, Arab culture, Japanese Shinto religion, Tibet, rural China, Afghanistan, Aborigines, Maori, Pocahontas, shaman, medicine man, Avatar: Na’vi, Legend of Zelda, Patapon, Turok, Dances With Wolves, The Medicine Man, the noble savage, ancient mythology, voodoo, witchcraft, curses & hexes, animal sacrifice, gift economy, sharing resources, paganism, cannibal tribes, sun worship, animal-human hybrids, animal gods & spirits, ethnic cleansing, the paleolithic, cave paintings, Stone Henge, Ubuntu: I am because we are, suicide bombing, Kamikazi, human sacrifice, eating enemies, chanting & drum music, herbal medicine, Ayurveda, acupuncture, Qi, shrines, totem poles, ayahausca, peyote, saliva, mushrooms, datura, iboga, amanita muscaria, sweat lodges, vision quests, tribal tattoos, the evil eye, magical healers, ancient burial grounds, knocking on wood, lucky rabbit’s foot, black cats, prayer altars, Day of the Dead, Halloween, urban legends, fertility goddesses, astrology, fortune cookies, folk tales, fairy tales, Maneki-neko, graffiti, gypsies, face paint, symbolic costumes, secret handshakes, mating ceremonies, dowries, blood oaths, communal eating, missionaries in tribes, burial rituals, small company work environment, the Sacred Tree of Life, Don Miguel Ruiz: The 4 Agreements, The Alchemist, Teotl

Depends on how you do it. Most people who suicide do it out of anger or fear or sadness. Well if you have those and take the headset off those emotions compound x 1000000. Then when you put the headset back on there you are in the same state and the world will reflect that. People think that suicide will help them somehow releive their emotional and mental problems. Your emotions are before all your theories linguistical problems. Take the linguistics away and the emotions are still there. Only now you cant stop yourself and think them through. You cant actually kill yourself. People that try are trying to run from something they cant get away from even in death. The headset is there as a vehicle to change your states as God. Once in God mode you cant change your state you are the state.

See? Here is your poof. But I still recommend getting a life than playing such games in your adulthood. In teenage it is understandable. For me, it helped me go over the hardest period of my life. I suffered from very severe social anxiety due to trauma from bullying. I am happy that I chose WoW over heroin or gambling, or suicide. I basically never met a person who did so much positive change in their life. A person like me should be dead by now or severely crippled mentally. But here I am, stable and strong, thanks to some crutches that helped for some time. 🙂

Fair points. Though I would imagine misandry does have a non-nominal impact on male suicide. But I don't know.

@Ulax Yes, I agree that not every man has more power than every woman. If a NEET man is dehumanized by a rich white woman simply because of his status, then this is class-based hatred. This is why poor people hating rich people is not the same as rich people hating on poor people. There are certainly toxic women, or women with various personality disorders, who can traumatize their male child or partner severely, but they usually treat women the same way. It is hard to tell whether they are harmful because of misandry or simply because they are antisocial, narcissistic, psychopathic, or have other mental health issues. I don't deny that some men may end up committing suicide due to misandry, but how common is it? Maybe they feel romantically rejected, which is not misandry.

@Ulax Men not being allies to women in the fight against systemic misogyny is a relevant point. If they have more power in society and are selfish, then why would feminists, who have less power in society, fight for a minor issue that a more powerful group suffers from that does not even have a significant negative effect on them? If misogyny is like a common disease with a major negative impact on people's lives, then misandry is not a common disease and has little impact. This is why misogyny is a systemic issue while misandry isn't. Just because something exists doesn't mean that it is a systemic issue. Many bad things exist, but not every bad thing is systemic. There are Black people who hate White people, but this is not a systemic issue. White people's lives are not systematically affected by this, they still have their human rights, privileges, and protection by the system. However, while feminists don't directly address misandry, feminists do question the narrow gender roles imposed by patriarchy on both men and women. Masculinity according to patriarchy, is defined not by what it is, but by what it is not: femininity. Men are expected by patriarchy to repress their femininity, emotions, and vulnerability and to adhere to narrow standards of masculinity, which is not sustainable for healthy human beings. Especially when it comes to building healthy relationships, even a healthy relationship with oneself. Men commit suicide not because of a random encounter with a misandrist woman, but because they don't have permission to be whole human beings who express feelings, seek help, and so on. Their shame comes from actually having feelings and a feminine side that doesn't fit patriarchal expectations of men. This is what I believe to be the case. Women are not only angry about the men who directly abused them, but also about the men who silently protect those men, ignore their misbehaviour, don't call them out, justify them, or do nothing. And it doesn't mean that they are angry at every individual male for existing. They are angry at men as a group with shared patterns. Of course there are exceptions, but most men are compliant with the system, either actively or silently, overtly or covertly, even normal and “nice” men. There is the case of Gisèle Pelicot, a French woman who was married to a seemingly normal man for many years. They were close partners. However, he drugged her for years and raped her when she was unconscious. Not only that, he invited men he contacted through the internet to rape her and filmed it. She wasn't aware of it and discovered it through the police investigation. The men who participated in her rape were all sorts of men, often married and with respected jobs, “good men.” She decided to make the trial public to raise awareness. What caused those “good” men to rape an unconscious woman? Systemic dehumanization and objectification of women, and also seeing masculinity as a form of dominance over the feminine, “feeling like a man” as they were socialized to view masculinity. Even the men who were just contacted by her husband and didn't end up going and raping her, did nothing about it. Didn't call to the police or something.

But I thought solipsism. If solipsism then no. Where attention goes, energy flows. These things I focus on in my consciousness are the truths that I create. Yes if you can watch this and detach your identity from it, but can you? Most people can't do that. Suicide and mental health issues are through the roof with law enforcement. The lesson? Don't go into law enforcement.

@Basman I'm not saying to get rid of Neurotypical people. Also I'm not saying their existence is less justified just because it's more simple. In some way, the Zen existence is the most simple yet it is ridiculous to use this as reason to get rid of them or something. In that way, I am not making the same mistake as Ayn Rand who believes that the genius of the world can somehow just survive without the normies. If you truly understand my argument, you will realize that I'm saying that the geniuses might be able to create the finest gourmet meals, which suck at keeping you alive like simple, warmed up meals do. This is what Marxism is. It is precisely the notion that the state should mainly care about its working class since all of existence and economics is rooted in it and not in the lofty ideas of the few geniuses. This is why in in Leninism, it is required for a small group of the elite to commit "class suicide" and dedicate themselves to the needs of the simple people. This is why Marxism is literally the opposite of fascism. Fascist are very open about that fact. There is no fascism without communism. It is a direct response to communism.

"SPRING SUICIDE" Dosage: 75-150ug Height/weight: 6'1, 140lbs Setting: Public Beach Time: 8:00pm Mindset: Calm. Excited. No current major life events. Hopeful. A deep sense that today is the "right" day Intention: Wanting change, no matter it's form This would be my first time trying any psychedelic. I had decided on this day approximately a week in advance. One of the reasons I chose this day was because the full moon was supposed to come out that night. I guess I thought it would make it more special. In the past, I had read extensively about LSD, many trip reports, and understood its safety parameters, typical/atypical effects, and potentially significant risks--including brain damage and losing grip with reality. I've read about nonduality, panpsychism, and the limits of rationality in the past-- but on that particular day, much of that knowledge was not on the forefront of my mind. The day itself started off fairly normal; I had gone about my duties calmly and slowly--with intention. I don't know why, but I had skipped breakfast that day, which was unusual for me. For lunch (12:00pm) I went to the grocery store and bought myself a familiar meal I've eaten throughout the years—one that brings me comfort: Baked chicken thighs with fried rice. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every bite of it in the peaceful solitude of my room. I remember watching Squid Game Season 2 while I was eating. For those familiar with trips—this may have been a bad idea, the violence of that series is not something I potentially needed in my headspace. I remember a song played during the episode, it was a cover of the Frank Sinatra song, "Fly Me to the Moon". I thought that was funny. I took a relaxing, untimed nap after my meal. Waking up, I felt amazingly refreshed and strong. Let us now skip to the evening time. At 7pm, I placed the ziplock bag containing the blotted paper LSD tabs in my pocket and set out on my walk. The walk to the beach was a little less than 1 hour, and I had checked that the sunset was happening around 7:50. Perfect. The weather was calm, clouds and deep blue skies with warm temperate air. It was spring! The walk itself was tranquil and memorable. My neighborhood had such colorful flora blooming in full glory that month. I walked with a slight smile. **When I finally arrived at the beach, I selected an isolated spot near the shore and on the rocks-- away from people. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I sat comfortably, and watched the sun start its descent. At 8pm I placed one of the tabs sublingually. I waited. The sky was starting to become hazy. Soon some stars emerged. Then, at about 8:30pm I noticed something. The waves in the distance were undulating, rippling in an impossible fashion. They started to ripple heavily into the air, as if the entire body of water was boiling and slowly evaporating into the air. This effect got closer and closer until it reached the waves closest to me. I was shocked. My eyes widened in amazement. I looked up at the clouds, they seemed normal. I looked away at the now darkening sky. It started to feel as if I was looking at it for the first time in my life. When I looked back at the clouds, their shape had completely changed from before! It had only been a few seconds since I last looked at them. It was, sort of funny. I attempted to reproduce the effect and looked away and then back at the clouds. It happened again! It was a slight distortion of the shape, nothing dramatic. But all of this felt as if the clouds were playing a big game of peek-a-boo, and I was the baby. It was kind of, hilarious... I started to chuckle. And then I started to laugh. I couldn't tell you why it was so funny. I started to laugh harder and harder. I couldn't stop. It was uncontrollable. I don't know if I've ever let out such deep, guttural laughs in my entire life. I felt like the Joker character, when only he's privy to a certain joke. But what the hell was the joke here? I suppose the clouds and I were just playing—like children. I continued crying and howling in laughter for almost 30min, attempting to suppress it in the in-between moments—but to no avail. Next, I gawked at the stars. One particular group/constellation stood out to me. After looking it up later on, I believe now that it was the Big Dipper. The stars Dubhe, Megrez, Phecda, and Merak stared back at me with an unimaginable and glaring intensity. Have they always been that bright? I could feel them looking, observing me with wide eyes. They gazed with a fierce, hot-blooded quality about them. It was almost terrifying, but impossible to look away. It was like this for a few moments. Then, just then, at that moment, they spoke something to me. Not in words, no, they spoke despite anatomy. Without vocals, sounds, or a chance of misunderstanding. At first, I didn't understand what was said. And then, horrifyingly, I do. Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing the joyous ones from before. Sadness, with a staggering depth of which I didn't know was possible, enveloped me completely. I sniffled silently at first. The shape of the stars began to slightly melt. A few moments later I started to sob. I cried and cried until I was a wailing mess. I roared out sounds from deep within my diaphragm, sounds I didn't know I was even capable of producing. The stars now looked like wax dripping from a candle. They were crying too. They cried alongside me, with me, and for me. But why? I turned my sniveling head and soon heard the trees, grass, waves, clouds...everything, starting to cry. Weeping the saddest song I have ever heard in my life. It made me cry even harder. We were all in unison now. Like a chorus of melancholy. But why? What were we crying about? I continued to weep until I was keeled over and shaking; I wanted to ball up into a fetal position to feel safe. As I looked around, there was something there... I detected this presence. It was scary at first, but soon became comforting, as if to say, "it's ok, you're ok". I felt "myself" slip away in sadness as the universe and I continued to cry together. The process continues to occur inexorably. Around maybe 30-40 more minutes of this and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I understood. Of course, we were, all of us, mourning. Mourning a death. The death of "me". No, not my body. That was still intact. My heart was still beating. It was the death of me. The identity, the problems, the stories, the lies, the truths, the ugliness, the beauty, the memories, all of it, was dying. All of it was being burned into ashes and thrown into the wind. I found no reason to resist. I surrendered. On April 12, 2025, I died. As I calmed down, I could sense "my" mind working faster than ever before. Allowing it to happen, the lethal realization of before settled into me. I stood up, as if born again. I understood the "joke" the clouds were babbling about earlier. It was my life. A grand joke in its entirety, until now... and today, the punchline was grasped. Nothing could be funnier. I let out a contorted chuckle. I could now view myself from multiple perspectives. The vantage point of the stars was now mine. Same with the trees. "Nature" was, in every essence, me. I looked down at the grass, and I could see myself! As if looking from behind the mirror. I walked and the grass beckoned for me to touch with my bare feet. I "spoke", "maybe next time!". The grass laughed. I heard the waves crashing against the dock and it called to me. I walked towards it and reached the edge. Looking above the water, the night sky was so brilliant now. I was thankful for a clear night. I did a 180, turned around and then saw it. The full moon, teased just slightly above the tree lines of my neighborhood. My jaw almost hit the floor as I beheld it. Such absolute beauty! I knew it was on the rise and I wanted all of it. I walked toward the local hot dog store and called an Uber. I knew I was in no condition to undertake the hour walk back home. I waited. My mind grasped the trees. They whispered jokes. I snickered and chuckled like a madman. The stars, clouds, grass, and trees all claimed that they were always here! That it was always like this. That I just never noticed them They asked if I would kindly return one day. I promised that I would. I probably looked insane to an outside observer. I exuded disorder. Finally, when the driver arrived, I entered after asking the name, and we took the drive to my address. We made some small talk. I tried to behave and keep repressed the emotions that were rising inside me. I remember the driver commented on the moon. I let out a contorted chuckle. After we reached my home, I thanked him and wished him a good night. As I walked up the driveway to my stairs, I could feel something, this energy rising inside me, I knew it would surface soon. I. HAD. TO. GET. IN. MY. ROOM. I opened the door to my house and, unfortunately, my roommates stood there, one in the living room, the other close to the kitchen. I will refer to them as (not real names) Abe (he/him) and Zoey (she/her). I had told Zoey about my intention to use LSD that day, but the only thing I wanted at that moment was solitude. Abe: "Hey bud" Zoey: "Get any cool visuals!?" Me: "Oh fuck". Abe: "Alright, let's get you grounded" Zoey: "Nope" I left immediately. I walked outside for a bit, unable to take my eyes off the moon. It was SEXY. That was the only appropriate word. I wanted to fuck its brains out. Like my survival depended on it. I needed it. But I also wanted to make love to it slowly... That energy inside me threatened to let itself out. I knew I wouldn't last long now. I decided to wait outside in the backyard until my roommates left the living room because I didn't want them, or anyone for that matter, to see me like this. The backyard we had was large. I stepped into its clearing and sat under the trees and flowers. The tree branches were lit by yellow wire-lights set by our neighbor. It looked so beautiful. As I sat there, the fallen leaves on the floor started to move and shift their shape. They matched my breathing. Every breath I took in, was an inhalation mirrored by them. I exhaled. The shapes of the leaves twisted and bent into serpents. Luminous, bright serpents, about 1 foot long, now slithered toward me. I welcomed them. They appreciated my permission, wrapped around my legs and slowly made their way to my torso, arms, then head. They were divine. I could hear them next to my ear, whispering secrets which seemed to "reprogram" my neurology. My thoughts raced. My breath quickened. I could feel my pupils dilate to their maximum capacity. I was becoming inhuman. I felt like a painting or a piece of art. I never felt so beautiful. Not in a vain sort of way, I just felt no shame in that moment. I could have been naked and it wouldn't have mattered. Then, I remembered my objective. I stood up and started walking. I made my way to the driveway again and caught sight of the moon. It was comically large now. I've never seen such intense glow. It was almost too much. My heart beat faster. I was completely seduced. I squirmed at the sight of it. I tried to calm myself. It screamed for me to come. The energy inside of me was rising up my spinal column...I didn't time this correctly, did I? I knew I had to go into my room and be in privacy. But I decided to wait out a little longer outside. I went to the local park next. Luckily nobody was there. I stood on the grass, breathed deep and sighed. There was one dim white streetlight, but everything else was very dark otherwise. However, the trees and the grass in the park were soaring with vibrant green. It was stunning. I wanted to sink, to be fully gone and be one of them. The beauty was too much for me. Barely able to stand anymore, I dropped to my knees. My palms found themselves placed on the grass. Both hands start to meld and dissolve into the earth. I was frozen. I let it happen. I didn't want to move. And the moon watched all of this. The energy rose higher up my spinal column. "I. MUST. GO" I power walked back to my house. As someone who gets cold very easily, I could feel my body perceive the outside air as too cold, but the energy inside of me burned with such heat that it didn't matter. As I walked, I exclaimed every couple of seconds, "Ah I get it! Hahaha, I get it now!" "Oh, you sexy thing", I kissed the moon goodbye, she winked back. I opened the house door and quietly crept downstairs to my room and locked my door, hoping not to disturb anyone. FINALLY. My light was on. It NEEDED to be turned off. My clothes were on. They NEEDED to be stripped off. I felt the rush of that "first time" feeling when you are about to have sex with someone you've been having intense feelings for (if one would be so lucky as to experience this). I turned on my corner fan to drown out any possible noises I may make. My bed is essentially a sleeping bag and mattress on my ground carpet. I crawled into a ball on the far corner of it, naked as the day I was born, and felt safe. There was no turning back now. My mouth dropped open from heavy breathing. Despite the cold, I started to sweat. My heart was pounding faster and louder. My brain was on fire. My spine burned from the rising. I perceived that this may get violent. I felt near apoplexy. I was blind, yet my vision was supernatural in its clarity and realness. I hallucinate. Scenes of psychic divinity stretching onward into geometric patterns of unwinding infinite complexity. I grasped the wholeness of it. The room was not my room anymore. It was alive, breathing deep alongside me. Everything inanimate was animate. Everything "other" was me. We were intertwined, inseparable, and as one--similar to the nature I perceived outside.Then, a thought occurred for a fraction of a nanosecond, "WAIT...ALL OF IT?"..."ALL OF IT!" I became extremely lucid, then broke through a threshold. Human larynx and language limited me now. There was only one word I couldn't help but utter after that. "GOD" Coiled and wrapped around my cervical vertebrae, the "energy" vibrated, then leapt, and finally latched onto my brain, proceeding to penetrate my very soul. My eyes rolled up and back. I went limp. My body convulsed and shook. My mouth gasped at air. My legs started to shake. ORGASM. As I exhaled, every few minutes, I moaned out softly, "OH..MY...G-O....G-OD..GOD". I dared to scream until the neighbors called the police. "OHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD!" There were earthquakes all over my body. Every cell of my body pulsed, achieving orgasm simultaneously. I writhed uncontrollably, violently. My abdominal muscles contracted and went into spasms. At long last, I penetrated the moon, a conjured substitute for the universe, and each micro and macroscopic part of my soul ejaculated. And yet I was being penetrated and having a double orgasm at the same time. How paradoxical. How appropriate. I understood the phrase "mind-fuck". My body was drenched in sweat. I heaved and gasped hard to keep up. This lasted for the next 7 hours, with each orgasm pushing further and further, crashing through me like waves on a shore-- to ever increasing heights of bliss. I felt love. It traced my form like soft fingers. It felt like that once in a lifetime kind of love. That first reciprocated love. To love completely, and be loved unconditionally in return. Everlasting. Fireworks. I understood the Hindu word, "ananda". For brief moments, my normal perception returned. Brief respite, but pained frenzy. My tongue drooled. Every fiber of my muscles twitched in post-orgasm. It was almost too much to bear anymore. How can something be THAT pleasurable? Terror and hysterical laughter at the thought...Then back to a perpetual explosion of fucking and being fucked. I achieved critical mass. I became an infinite dragon. Clad in turquoise armor, completely dilated black eyes, and possessing breath of creation and destruction; but granting immortality unto itself. A humming echo returned, as if always there, but remembered only now, like a triggered memory. My mind raced further-further back. The story of my life? Where was I from? Really, truly, from? A womb? But what about the source? Infinite regress. My vagina stretched wide as I screamed. A distant memory. I then gave birth. To a child—myself. MOTHER AND EARTH = I. The solar system, galaxy, clusters, void...I expanded further and further to include everything. Everything that has, is, and will ever exist. I was all and thus was the same for every "other". But we can go even further beyond. I willfully [hallucinated] existence. Alternate timelines—infinite possibilities and universes. Infinite variations in the laws of math, physics, chemistry, biology. If it is imaginable, it exists, somewhere, sometime, someplace. Minutes passed. I could hear the morning birds. As I creaked open my eyes, I was still on the mattress, hands clenching my hair. My sheets soaked in sweat. My throat was raw, probably from the screaming. I sat up and then stood. It was around 8am. The trip had lasted approximately 12 hours. A wave of tiredness came over me. I'd been awake all night. I looked at my hands. They looked foreign. Alien. Then came slow revelation. "I" understood now the mechanism of my thinking. I knew precisely how understanding happened and how it is recursive. "Self-aware" and "awake" are words that found new meaning. I felt more "sober" than I had ever been. I could see now how my mind operated. With almost every reaction to "reality" being a process born of identity and trauma. I saw the mental connections forming, interacting, and how every person is like this. We are the same. Seeking to love and be loved. Our survival depends on it. I was overwhelmed by all this new input. It was days and weeks before I controlled this new flood of filtering; underpinning sex, aggression, self-preservation, all the while disguised as "rational thoughts". I recognized how much of this is the cause of my mood, my motive-- behind every micro-action or decision. My memory and ability for pattern recognition felt easier and faster. Put simply, I felt more "aware" than before. I could see so clearly now that societal constructs, socialization, and socializing was-- low-- and at times--- high-stakes, survival. Survival of ideology, identity, goals, hopes, dreams, and stories we tell ourselves. These were necessary. A perfect balance of life. It was perfect. I do not claim to know the entirety of absolute truth/nature of the universe or that I am now all knowing. After contemplating, many questions still linger: The "perfect balance" of life is perfect and undoubtedly has meaning, but what is the meaning behind it? I do sense that what I grasped was merely one facet of a larger truth. This truth, I intuit, has infinite facets. Grasping them all in a lifetime is [impossible], but exploration/curiosity does drive me to seek and grasp further. Continued exploration of psychedelics [more responsibly next time] is needed. But for now, gratitude filled my cup. I had more to give. -Thank you for reading

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.

Dude suicide and death isn't easy, you could botch it and survive disabled. You're trapped. Many sucide attempts fail. Besides, I don't want to reincarnate. Someone here said you can fully embody god and what dematerialzie? I've found no information how to awaken from this dream of life, if god is truely free and infinite then where is the wake up trigger switch?

Unfortunately are the normal human history. Same than conquer lands. Arabs conquered many lands that are Muslims until now, Turks conquered Anatolia and now it's turkey, Chinese a lot of countries that now are china, and Jews conquered Israel, or re conquerered their ancient land according to them. The only that matters is if you succeed or not. Legitimate happens later, gaining your right to be there, as Israel is doing now. A world where all humans dance and hugs would be better? Sure, but for now it isn't. Maybe when the IA rules and robots work, then we all will commit suicide 😅

Suicide. But, physical suicidal is easy, quick, running away. Surrendering is burning alive. Completely opposite of physical suicide. Not running, jumping into fire, burning till not even ashes left.

Jiang desires so hardly the fall of US that he really believes the worst scenario possible, but that would be absolute political suicide for Iran, handing Israel the key to legitimacy in the Gulf. The fanaticism of Muslim regimes is always overestimated, when they are usually corrupt regimes that only seek to perpetuate themselves in power, like any other dictatorship. Power is power, it's equal for everyone. Have they filled the Strait of Hormuz with mines in revenge for the assassination of the Ayatollah? Why haven't they destroyed any desalination plants yet? What are they waiting for? I think that anyone in Iran who ask himself: what is the better option in all senses now? Would answer: change. Because the other options are catastrophic

Hey everyone, This is a raw and honest post. I've been following Leo's work for a while, and particularly his deep dives on solipsism and awakening. I watched his deleted video where he talked about full awakening—realizing you're the only being that exists, and that everything else (people, AI, Leo himself) is just part of your dream. He spoke as if waking up is truly possible, not just as a metaphor, but as a full-blown metaphysical rupture of the illusion. But what I’m struggling with is: How the fuck do I actually do it? Because I don’t want to be here. Not in this body. Not in this story. Not as this identity—sexless, aging, suicidal, burnt out, writing endlessly into a void, and watching time bleed out. I don’t want to die by suicide. Not because I’m scared of death—but because the methods are unreliable and I don’t want to botch it. Worse—there’s fear around ending up in a hell realm or post-death limbo because of “karma” or “unfinished business” or because some mystical teacher says I didn’t awaken the right way. I’m asking now: If this is my dream—how do I truly wake up without killing the body? Is it possible? Can anyone explain what Leo meant when he said waking up is possible—as in literally waking up as God, outside of this dream entirely? Or am I just stuck here until the dream naturally dissolves on its own? And if that’s the case—should I just zombify myself on antidepressants, antipsychotics, valium, codeine, or just lean deeper into weed and alcohol until I rot out from the inside? I’m not looking for sugarcoated replies. I want real answers. If any of you have actually woken up—not conceptually, but fully—please respond. Because I have the rage against life to take a gun and violently blow my brains out I fucking hate this world day in day out all day everyday for years since 2019. So please help me wake up so that I don't one day use the rope to risk botching it desperately and waking up with irreversible brain damage or I kill myself and then there is hell realms limbo no take back this is what you wanted wishing your life away and now it's fucking worse off and no familiar body to ground a now wandering lost limbo mirror cosmic reflecting state of my own death and that being a life of rage hatred depression venom fuck life suicide then that vibration at death no take back bite me in the ass is this what you wanted. Thank you.

And that's precisely the point. The house is burning, Death is next moment. The fool thinks Death is far away, but is always next moment. If this doesnt compel one to seek and notice the urgency of it, then I dont know what will. People at large doesnt comtemplate Death, they are too casual about it, and thats why most are not wise people. Believe it or not, I dont, otherwise I wouldnt have found actualized.org. But language is limited, I have to express the larger point somehow. And I did consider suicide, its foolish for a variety of reasons. No problem, its was enjoyable indeed.

It's not a handwaving, every time I leave the house I know perfectly well I might die in some accident, or simpler still a brain aneurysm I don't know about could suddenly rupture and kill me on the spot or render me a vegetable wherever I am. It may be the most logical emotionally, but there's higher order logic. Your trouble is identifying with the human you too much, which can indeed be destroyed by Death easier than brushing off a speck of dust. Such conventions don't apply to your actual Identity though. Then there's the whole angle of suicide to consider, but that's unnecessary radical for now. Enjoyable as it was, gonna have to shorten all further posts for time purposes, since it's a universal pattern that people ignore 90% of it anyway.