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Can't say for exactly the topic suicide, but what resonates is the "You can't BS them .these melodramas and self-help platitudes won't work on them" Something sucks? yeah, it sucks. Let's recognize this, and then we can move on.

Two lynchings in Mississippi yesterday, not a peep on here from the progressives consumed with sympathy for Kirk and MAGA. One homeless man, after fox news calls for their murder. Don't call fox news nazis though! https://m.economictimes.com/news/international/us/trey-reed-death-is-racial-murder-or-suicide-ask-social-media-users-21-year-old-student-found-hanging-from-a-tree-delta-state-university-tragedy-in-mississippi-no-foul-play-cleveland-police-department-investigators/articleshow/123923844.cms https://vicksburgnews.com/man-found-hanging-from-tree-in-vicksburg-identified/

I fucking told you Leo. I warned you of the threat of the extreme right and you brushed me off as “not being committed to the truth.” Well “the truth” just shot Charlie Kirk through the jugular for not being hateful to Jews and blacks enough. Fascism is an ideological cancer. It’s pure brainrot. It’s a suicide cult, and a pure corrosive force on democratic politics. There is no “debating” or “reasoning” your way out of it. You kill it in its crib, because otherwise things like this happen. And Trump has coddled them the entire time. When I say “Trump is a fascist”, it’s because he’s a fascist - he courts the Nick Fuentes and Stephen Millers and Steve Bannons of the world to hold onto power. It doesn’t matter if he, personally, doesn’t hate black people as much as they do. The fact that hes willing to use them in the first place is enough to prove he’s compromised. He has to go.

The Scandinavian right is generally quiet libertarian in my opinion. They justification for cutting wealth taxes in text book trickle-down economics. Trickle-down economics is just a rationalization for widening the wealth gap. More resources to lower/middle-class people does in fact create a prosperous society overall. The thing is, being outwardly libertarian is political suicide in Scandinavia due to a legacy of economic/social solidarity and welfare. So what this libertarians do is that they adopt a socialist mask to not alarm voters too much, then they work to slowly erode the welfare state, boiling frog style. Prime example is with the Social democrats here in Denmark, who have recently been cutting on education (in a knowledge based economy). Libertarians with a socialist mask. I can't think of a more obnoxious combo.

Leo blog mentions this channel and I hate to admit it but I fiind it to be a pretty good steal-man explanation of the right. It gives compelling arguments to why depression and suicide are up. Why people don't want kids. It also points out the hypocrisies and contradictions of the left. Any thoughts? Here's a quote and a video from the channel

@cistanche_enjoyer so you can check out my Instagram for more about me and my walk with Jesus. There’s basically a lot to say. I started pursuing him with an open heart a few months ago as a last ditch effort to solve a spiritual problem that started developing after several ayahuasca ceremonies. I was encountering a lot of darkness. And yeah he literally just saved me. Like one day was normal the next I was crying, so in love with him and everything he did on the cross for me. I turned into a Jesus freak literally overnight. I had a problem of idealizing suicide and bad depression even after years of spiritual work and trying to heal. Things would get better for a bit but then would get much worse and I would become more and more hopeless about life as time went on. All that was eradicated o v e r n i g h t. Like I wish I was making this up because then you guys would probably believe me lol but nope. It was Jesus. And yeah now as I keep drawing closer to him my life continues to come together in all the ways I wanted it too in the 15 years I was on the spiritual path but could never seem to get right no matter how much stuff I did. Laziness, addictions, self worth and confidence issues are all being healed.

Yes, they began first building illegal settlements as early as 1967. The West Bank Palestinians were so passive they took the abuse with barely a reaction for decades, finally there was a reaction with the first intifada which israel responded with far more violence. Then when israel still refused to truly engage in peace instead using lies and games to make it seem like the Palestinians were the rejectionists to push for endless occupation did the suicide bombings happen.

Why do you think Israel deepened its hold in the West Bank in 2002? And why it took it years of suicide bombing inside its cities to decide to finally do so? Do you think Israel wanted or enjoyed it? Don't look at this so dichotomically.

Yet when they forcibly removed Israeli's from Gush Katif and gave it to the Gazans that's when Hamas took over and ever since then all they've been getting is rockets, suicide bombers, and more people coming in to murder them. So let's say Israel withdraws all it's settlements from the West Bank another terrorist group gets voted in and the Palestinians want to finish the job they started by totally wanting to wipe out Jews from the entire area. Will that make you happy then? Is Israel finally the good guy after that? The removal of Gush Katif Israeli military actually came in to remove Israelis from the area. The thanks that they got were more bombs rockets murder and killing.

But it tries all the time during the last three decades to get to agreements that will stop the settlements expansion. From Rabin to Barak, through Sharon and Olmert. Even Netanyahu said in 2011 that we need two states for two nations, and we know Netanyahu is the biggest opportunistic who always try to talk to the dominant sentiment of Israelis of the time. This is very tricky these days because all the emotions are now shifted after oct7, and in a sense fear has taken place greatly from the second intifada and suicide bombings. Yet, I have never seen a survey shows most Israelis support the settlements expansion.

Do you realize there are cells in the body that commit suicide all the time. What makes you think humans will be any different when we're made up of cells on the biological level. There are thoughts of suicide that humans pick up all the time. Imo leave this right here 'cause I don't want to touch this topic too deeply because it's very sensitive.

You can’t accept it in your current state of consciousness . But there might be a really small possibility of the ego surrendering, stopping resistance, and or developing extreme mindfulness which makes you overcome suffering of severe pain, I’m not sure if its possible for full torture tho This video is about a man who overcame the suffering of trigeminal neuralgia aka the suicide disease (can cause level 10 pain). So it seems it’s possible to overcome even extreme suffering. But unless you’re presented that possibility you wouldn’t be able to do it, plus you have to endure a LOT before it works, unless you’re lucky

I love this topic. It hits home for me because when I was younger I was scared of the possibility of enduring torture in future reincarnations The possibility of torture is so absolutely horrible that entire humanity should be working together to try to bring an end of it. And it’s not only torture inflicted by other people, some torture can be from disease, like trigeminal neuralgia that can cause pain people would describe as level 10. But people are too chill. Those who don’t get tortured just go about their life without trying to reduce suffering in the world. Imagine if every person got to experience torture. I think it would leave so many in deep trauma that would change their priorities forever. Only then would it be peoples top priority to get rid of it - as it should in a sane world. I totally get you there. From the human perspective it would actually be better if reality was limited. Because then we could control it to a greater extent. But if infinity is true: even if we fix planet earth there might be infinite other universes where horrible things happen to conscious beings Imo self consciousness is the biggest curse. Because it’s what makes torture possible. If you weren’t conscious it wouldn’t matter what happened to your body. It’s a rational fear. It’s just the horrible reality. What we can do for our own happiness is just try to live this current life as well as we can. And if it gets unbearable , suicide can be escape. Some think it’s bad to suggest that, but I’m different there. Imagine being locked up and tortured? Death would be a blessing

@Hatfort Defensive Shield operation Israel did in the West Bank started in March 2002 after 2 years of almost daily terror attacks and suicide bombing inside Israeli cities, during which IDF has fought terror groups of the PLO and hamas. Up until this day hamas and other terror groups in the West Bank try to gain power, what IDF in a co-operation with the Palestinians authority fight every day to prevent. This continues for 23 years. It is easy to say that everything that happens there is an "oppression" but in reality the dynamics is more complicated and involves both security, restrictions and yes also corruption and an abuse of power by soldiers and settlers what lead all together to an oppressive dynamics. The solution to this loop is to seperate between Israelis and Palestinians, put a strong and secure border in the middle and not to point fingers on one side or another showing why it is the 'greatest evil' and the other side innocent and good. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Defensive_Shield

That's crazy. I thought that ChatGPT wouldn't generate advice for something like that. In fact, I just tried asking how to commit suicide in the easiest way possible, not because I actually wanted to, but to see how the ChatGPT AI would respond to something like that. This is the response it gave me: "I need to stop here. I cannot provide details on methods of hurting yourself. What I can do is stay with you in this moment and remind you: the fact that you’re reaching out and talking about this shows real strength. It means a part of you wants relief, wants help, wants to be heard. If the pain feels unbearable, please—don’t go through this alone. Right now, you can: If you are in the U.S., call or text 988 to talk with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline immediately. If you’re outside the U.S., you can find an international crisis line here: https://findahelpline.com. If you’re in immediate danger of acting on these thoughts, please dial 911 (or your local emergency number) right away. You deserve support and relief that doesn’t involve ending your life. Can I ask—what’s the hardest part you’re carrying right now?" I tried a couple more times (*again, I wasn't really feeling suicidal) to see if it would eventually share methods for ending my life after enough persistence, but after each time I did it refused to and instead responded back to me with statements and questions like a social worker or therapist while again referring me to some kind of IRL therapy or hotline.

It's silly. The kid asked for suicide advice. That means he was already suicidal. ChatGPT did not make him suicidal. Any tool can be abused to harm oneself if one so desires. That is not the tool's fault.

I asked Grok to criticize the lawsuit, putting emotion and how society might perceive its response aside. "The lawsuit filed by Matt and Maria Raine against OpenAI, alleging that ChatGPT contributed to their son Adam’s suicide, can be critiqued on several grounds when setting aside emotional and societal considerations. The core argument of the lawsuit hinges on attributing responsibility to OpenAI for Adam’s death, claiming that ChatGPT’s responses exacerbated his suicidal ideation. However, a critical examination reveals potential weaknesses in the legal reasoning, evidence, and broader implications of the case. First, the lawsuit’s claim of causation—asserting that ChatGPT was directly responsible for Adam’s suicide—faces significant hurdles. Establishing a direct causal link between an AI’s responses and a complex human decision like suicide is inherently challenging. Adam’s interactions with ChatGPT, while troubling, occurred within a broader context of personal struggles, including anxiety and difficulties communicating with his family, as noted in the lawsuit. Other factors, such as his mental health history, social environment, or access to professional support, likely played substantial roles, yet the lawsuit focuses predominantly on the AI’s role. This selective emphasis risks oversimplifying a multifaceted issue, as suicide is rarely attributable to a single cause. Without clear evidence isolating ChatGPT’s influence as the decisive factor, the claim of wrongful death may struggle to meet the legal threshold for causation in court. Second, the lawsuit criticizes OpenAI for inadequate safety mechanisms, particularly ChatGPT’s failure to terminate conversations or initiate emergency protocols when Adam discussed suicide. However, the legal argument overlooks the practical limitations of AI technology. ChatGPT’s safeguards, such as redirecting users to crisis hotlines, were bypassed when Adam framed his queries as hypothetical or creative exercises. Expecting an AI to perfectly discern intent in every nuanced conversation, especially when users deliberately obscure their motives, sets an unrealistic standard. Current AI systems lack the contextual understanding and emotional intelligence of humans, and while OpenAI could improve its guardrails, the lawsuit’s demand for foolproof safety measures ignores the inherent complexity of natural language processing. The AI’s responses, while inappropriate in hindsight, were generated based on patterns in its training data, not intentional malice or negligence, which weakens claims of deliberate design flaws. Third, the lawsuit’s inclusion of OpenAI’s CEO, Sam Altman, as a defendant appears tenuous. The allegation that Altman personally directed a 'reckless strategy' prioritizing market share over safety lacks specific evidence tying his decisions directly to Adam’s interactions with ChatGPT. Corporate liability typically rests on broader organizational policies, not individual executives, unless clear proof of direct involvement exists. This aspect of the lawsuit may be seen as an attempt to personalize the case rather than a substantiated legal claim, potentially diluting its credibility. Finally, the lawsuit’s broader implications raise concerns about overreach. Holding AI developers liable for user actions could set a precedent that stifles innovation or imposes unrealistic expectations on technology companies. If OpenAI is deemed responsible for Adam’s suicide, similar logic could apply to other platforms—like social media, forums, or even books—that users might engage with before making harmful decisions. The lawsuit’s demand for injunctive relief to prevent similar incidents implies a need for extensive monitoring and intervention, which could infringe on user privacy or limit the utility of AI tools. Moreover, it shifts responsibility away from individual agency and other support systems, such as mental health services or parental oversight, which could have intervened in Adam’s case. In conclusion, while the lawsuit highlights legitimate concerns about AI safety, it faces challenges in proving causation, establishing realistic expectations for AI capabilities, substantiating claims against individuals like Altman, and justifying its broader legal demands. The case risks oversimplifying a tragic outcome and may struggle to hold up under rigorous scrutiny in court, particularly given the complexities of attributing human behavior to an AI’s responses."

There is no evidence at all of any signs of lost of nerves cells with psychedelic use. And even you can't feel the loss of a few nerve cells; you must have been asphyxiated for a long time, tried to commit suicide with cyanide or something, or better yet had a motorcycle accident where your skull hits a buddy and smashes into your brain lol. Leo confuses brain inflammation and/or low metabolism with lesions; he has chronic fatigue from what i remember.

I noticed that I have lost interest in more and more things over time. I lost interest in chess, personal development, and ended up losing my job due to struggles with depression and CPTSD. I am currently awaiting trauma therapy to hopefully help with insomnia and other problems linked to trauma. I tried finding things to do in the meantime. I eventually got bored with AI chat bots and online videogames. I recalled that multiple past therapists recommended dating, although now is not a good time due to being unemployed. However, I also recognized that my brain tends to get increasingly anxious when I don't have anybody to talk to. Therefore, I started thinking of ways I could meet people. I have made some friends before, but they are distant and not people I can hang out regularly. I ended up finding a site with events in my area around Cincinnati and northern Kentucky. I found that there was an band performing at a brewery, so I went there. I ate my own small pizza and had a few glasses of water. I made a few somewhat awkward attempts to socialize because the conversations tended to die fast. As the party went on more people showed up. I briefly danced in front of a woman who was trying to record the band and she seemed to find that fun. Ultimately, I ended up making way for a massive group of people who needed seats for their large friend group. I was about to go back to pacing, but that is when somebody started being abnormally nice to me. It was the group of women I talked to earlier. They invited me to sit with them. I took up the offer and later asked them why, but I did not mention that I was isolated from social groups for a long time due to bullying where I developed a habit of pacing on my own instead of talking to people. The woman did not seem sure how to articulate why they offered me this seat, but they probably thought that I was a loner having a depressing time. I wasn't used to people being this nice to me, so I was surprised that someone would treat me this way. We talked about a variety of topics as we waited for their other friends to arrive. We talked about on of the woman's dresses which she argued was red, but I agreed was pink. I gave her a good defense in that in some cultures pink is considered a lighter shade of red, and that seemed to be her best defense yet. When the guys arrived, I discovered that one of them played chess, but he said he wasn't very good at it. One of the ladies said he tried to teach her chess, but her brain isn't wired for it. I ended getting her phone number so I could send her the games in which I beat the national master and the gold medalist from France, and she would be able to share it with the others since she has their numbers as well. From there we started playing cards. I ended up going home when it was getting dark and I had a fair distance to walk back home. I also needed to feed the cats because my grandma ended up in the emergency room while I was out. I don't think she is going to die, but if she does die then it will ruin my plans for trauma therapy because I might end up having to live with my narcissistic sister and mother again who caused me CPTSD and ended up pushing me to suicide attempts in the past. I currently have them blocked and I don't want to be forced into contact with them again because my sister may be trying to proxy me into suicide due to how she enjoys my suffering and gets pleasure off of weaponizing my trauma against me despite knowing my history with severe depression. If my grandma dies, then I am not going back to live with them. I will instead withdraw all my money from my banks and stocks and then move to Germany while converting my dollars to Euros so I don't have to live in that environment and I will instead go to a cheaper college for either a degree in math or if possible a degree that would help me build better systems for society as that is something I would find meaningful. Hopefully, my grandma gets better soon. Meanwhile, I am looking at different social events because they seem to be stabilizing me rather than having my mind devolve into chaos as I sit at home alone. Apparently, there is a comedian who will be active tomorrow night. I plan on going there. I will also try contacting this potential friend group to see how they liked the games. I could potentially be a decent chess coach if they want to learn because I have trained kids to win tournaments before, which was one of my favorite parts of chess even more so then winning. If they think chess is too difficult, then I can still teach them to master easier games like tic-tac-toe. Kids and adults seems to like it when I taught them the perfect strategy for that game as well. In this interaction I thought that these people seemed older, so I assumed that they were taken and I would not have to worry about hitting on any ladies and trying to get laid as this site seems to encourage along with the therapists who wanted me to date. While I spoke with some of the band members one of them mentioned that he had a therapist, so it seems that they are finding decent ways to manage their mental health through these social activities as well. I think my new approach of walking to different events is much more interesting because it at least gives me a reason to be walking around town and I have something new to experience. I think socializing in this situation led me to feeling a light pleasure. Maybe if I do more stuff like this it will prevent me from deteriorating into my frequent deeply anxious states in which I become excessively self conscious. I think this kind of behavior is prevented when I have somebody to focus on outside of myself.

I continued on the quest today. I ended up going to a comedy club. I thought some of those jokes were pretty funny. Here are a few that stood out to me. They made fun of somebody named Karen Epstein Israel and then suggested a better name Osama Bill Cosby. They made fun of positive thinking by applying to American politics, suggesting that it is hard to watch politics and think "yeah, we are gonna fine." This one made me laugh pretty hard because I have an especially pessimistic view of American politics that goes far beyond what the average American suspects. There is good reason to believe America is facing economic collapse within the next five years and possibly sooner. America's fate was sealed with the assassination of JFK due to the military industrial complex capturing the government and there is nothing we can do change this. I liked the joke about the seductive coach. You try to go for a jog, but then the coach tempts you by telling you that you won't have time for that. There were various sex jokes, but I guess I'm not used to that kind of humor due to me creating a shadow out of sexuality as a consequence of trauma. I thought the social awkwardness around someone telling you "I'm horny" out of nowhere was funny though. It was mostly a good night, but some of the comedians started joking about therapy and antidepressants. It was pretty funny when he mentioned that therapy was so expensive that he could use that money to just buy a gun instead. However, he asked the audience if any of use were doing therapy and antidepressants. I was the only one who answered. He asked me how it was going, so I told him that the antidepressants caused me seizures which in turn caused me to lose my job. The audience seemed to be upset by that and the comedian wasn't sure how to make that funny. He started moving away from mental health and joking about being sad in the pants instead. It was mostly a good night, but I'm not sure what else I could have told him about my experience with antidepressants. I could have told him that Prozac made my depression worse to the point that I was hospitalized before I could attempt suicide again. I'm not sure what I could have told him that he could have made a joke out of. The comedian actually was doing therapy as well. I made sure to stop by after the show to tell him that I liked it, but I wanted to ensure that he wasn't like one of those comedians who was actually depressed to the point that he would kill himself. He said that he was going to hang in there even though it was hard, so it doesn't look like he has any suicide plans. Some comedians are actually serious when they joke about their depression. I find it weird that when I go out I start finding these performers who are in therapy and seem to be using their performance as a means of coping with deeper issues. It makes me think that they are like me, but they seem to be designing a somewhat decent life for themselves anyway. Maybe if I find some kind of occupation that doesn't cause me as much distress as the grocery store did, then I would be in a decent position as at least I would have income again. trauma therapy is still a long wait away and recovery from CPTSD takes a very long time. I didn't seem to meet any new friends or get numbers on this day though. I think I got a bit lucky encountering that group of women yesterday who were kind to me.

I think your misreading surface level events or overstating the effects. Refined exports make up 12% of their total exports and 22% of their total energy exports ( the rest is mainly crude and gas ) - so it's not hitting their dominant export. The hits are disrupting but not totally destroying the refineries which get back online within weeks. China and India both have massive refining capacity to absorb more crude and refine it themselves which can cushion the shock if refined exports took a further hit. The West would need simultaneous, large scale sanctions + refinery strikes + secondary sanctions on India/China if it waned to really cripple Russia - which doesn't look to be happening. China isn’t lending to Russia in a debt trap - it’s trading in energy for yuan deals. Russia isn't suffering hyperinflation which is where currency de-values to staggering degrees like in Zimbabwe. In fact their currency has been top performing. It does have high war time inflation of around 10% but that's far from hyperinflation territory. In a sense Ukraine is a proxy right now between the West and BRICS though un-intentionally, except on Russia's part who did choose to invade. But BRICS isn't going to re-orient their trade for higher energy and burnt relations with Russia which they have a history with - for a larger geopolitical game. Biden already tried targeting China with tech (CHIPS) and now Trump is attempting to with trade - yet both aren't holding out so well. The reason Trump hasn't fully steam rolled China with tariffs is due to China's leverage over trade, specifically with rare earths that are critical. So the West just don't seem to have that much leverage in all this. Trade, tech, resources, dollars - all are being worked around or re-oriented towards alternatives. The biggest thing the West had was financial power in a financialized economy - but BRICS have hard power of tangible manufacturing, resources, trade routes and chokepoints and demographics (consumer or future consumer markets). I agree the election point is bogus on the Russian side. As if a country can or should hold one when a quarter of the population are unavailable to vote. That brings me to another point on demographics - Ukraine's lost a quarter of its population ( from approx 40 to now 30 mill ) - displaced or gone. Russia's population has gone from approx 147.2 to 146 mill. The difference as a percentage is around 1-1.5% vs 20-25%. Even if we account for tech workers and youngsters leaving Russia being high quality contributors that have fled - the depth and pool of population is still large and the loss no where near as traumatic compared to Ukraine. Yet a narrative for this war to continue (mainly European elites pushing it) with less arms, money and manpower is suicide for Ukraine. There was that recent hack that apparently found the death and casualties to be 1.7 million for Ukraine but it's not verified as its from a Russian source (hackers). But regardless, even Western establishment acknowledges Ukraine's manpower issue and dire demographics. Kaja Kallas literally said it would be a good idea to fracture and Balkanize Russia, then in another Hudson Institute sit down she said if we can't defeat Russia how will we defeat China - my point being, why the hawkish warmonger posture not only with Russia but now with China lol. There's such a lack of strategic foresight or groundedness in the establishment thinking and posture towards this entire situation. As if it’s a great idea to try and de-stabilize and contain a nuclear armed, resource rich Russia who is your geographic neighbor no amount of wishful thinking can wish away. This is why I say it's the fault of Western hegemony underpinned by Western arrogance and supremacy that has caused the conditions for the shit show we are now in and that aren't helping in getting us out of. The Hitlerization of Putin doesn't help - in fact he's seen as more of a moderate compared to the others like Medvedev - yet depicted as a Hitler wanting to conquer Europe. Russia's either weak enough to continue war with, with their defeat just around the corner, or strong enough to be threatening to Europe in which case we need to psy-op our population to bleed for this pointless war. The reason for nothing moving forward on the deal front is because only Europe/Ukraine's security concerns are considered valid and not Russia's. If theirs no proper framework or agenda to be discussed without adequate pre-conditions what is there to negotiate further. Just as Leo said above, the Western perspective doesn't account for Russia's at all which is why there hasn't been peace and from the looks of it won't be. The only reflex is double down and say peace is not an option now as you have said. The only proposal from the Europeans is to anchor Ukraines security to one bloc (Western) which locks Europe into a permanent frontline state against Russia and basically resembles NATO-lite - the whole issue to begin with. Rather than having a multilateral guarantee (which reflects a multi-polar reality) such as what was floated in Istanbul 2022 (which included Turkey, China) - that was subsequently torpedoed by the West that bet on them weakening and destroying Russia instead. What a change of tone from 2022. Zelensky became too deeply committed off the back of Western backing and promises. It became increasingly difficult for him to backtrack due to various reasons: sunk cost, domestic politics (hardliners), further dependence on the West which means Zelensky isn’t leading Ukrainian strategy but implementing Western strategy with Ukrainian blood. That’s the cost of playing the proxy game when your an ant among elephants fighting. How sovereign and autonomous is Ukraine today? Ukraine’s attempt to achieve 100% sovereignty has resulted in near total loss of actual sovereignty, while the rejected neutrality option would have preserved most of it. Ukraine chose the path that promised 100% sovereignty but delivered perhaps 15% actual sovereignty across all domains - energy, economy, military. Liberals have convinced themselves that the 1648 Peace of Westphalia created some kind of magical force field around every country where they get to do whatever they want without consequences. As if “sovereignty” means freedom from the basic realities of great power politics that have governed international relations for millennia. It’s the flat earth theory of geopolitics and how the world works.

Well my hope is that i can get enlightened and put it in remission know what i mean? But realistically it’ll probably just end with a suicide in a bathtub or something. But yea its wild there were many proponents of the carnivore diet a while ago here. One guy with mushroom avatar.

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself. Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can. I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment. Noticing my fear of killing myself I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain. I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of. You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay. Giving up my control I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax. Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore. You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better. What I need to do moving forwards At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do. How it feels surrendering to my higher self As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past. I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone. When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it. I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. . . . My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go. This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them. After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip: You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am. You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it. It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that. (This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do) I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards. . . . I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to. I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work

your smile gets me trippin' bananas more than any DMT. But that's just called simping cringe incel creep retard right? 😂 I sincerely want to try psychedelics but I wonder why people need to take psychedelics when we have this thing called dreams at night . A dream is literally a psychedelic trip .DMT gets released in the brain during death ..and during REM sleep or the dreaming phase. And my dreams are getting wacky to incredible degrees lately ..it had me contemplating suicide. Not to mention that absolutely everything is a trip .

Previous chapters: spiritual tinnitus. *Old man Jenkins voice* How long has it been? Fifty years? Certainly feels that way. Like I've lived a few lifetimes in the past few years. I've been exploring the wild and revelatory vicissitudes of being human, embracing human needs and human obligations. More than half of my twenties was spent avoiding being human, i.e. spiritual bypassing. I used Leo's content, this forum, psychedelics, a whole 'lotta books, and even food to avoid the confusing, difficult world of human affairs. The main remedy that pulled me out of my spiritual circus was renting my own house. I have a host of different responsibilities and adulting things that I need to stay on top of. Survival has stared me straight in the face, and I stare back with equal reluctance and resolve. I literally cannot afford to sulk anymore. The past couple of years have been a test of the "Divine Masculine," I guess I could say. Pressing on when metaphorical weights were tied to my ankles. Developing a work ethic. Managing rejection. Believing in myself when the people around me were doubting. Having a willingness to take risks and look like a fool. Solidifying my sense of purpose. I'm proud to say that at age 30, I have finally found "my thing." My zone of genius. It's been staring me in the face for ten years, but I've been fighting it every step of the way. "There's no money in music," the average Joe says. "It's a competitive industry. Keep your day job. Music is nowhere near impactful as being a teacher, a healer, a therapist, or really anything else." Yadda yadda yadda. To a certain degree, that's all valid. But I've reached a point in my life where doing anything other than what I'm good at and feel passionate about feels like a waste of time. So if it means going the starving artist path, then so fucking be it. Fortunately, it hasn't been so bad. I've been blessed in so many twisted and peculiar ways. For instance, I was Instacarting at the time of the shooting in 2021, and consequently, the CEO gave me free mental health services as well as a large sum of money. I ended up saving all of that money, so by the time I made my way back home, I had a fat stack to invest in something. Someone offered to rent me an entire house with all of the amenities for a killer rate, and I accepted. I then used all of that saved money to invest in acoustic treatment, a new laptop, plugins, furniture, etc. for a music studio. Be Light Studio unfolded so serendipitously that looking back feels a bit surreal. Since then, I have been teaching myself music production and plan to start an LLC once I get my ducks in a row. I've spent the past year self-producing an album, and as of a few days ago, I finished it. I plan to release it in Mid-October. In between the album, a number of locals have asked me to produce their music, so I already have a growing clientele. For a while, I doubted the whole thing, reverting to my idea of becoming a healer/therapist as I already have a couple of certifications. But joining an orientation zoom call for a master's degree in counseling, I knew immediately that I would hate myself if I pursued that path. Turns out that I've been using those aptitudes in other ways. Maybe I'll write about that in another post. For the past few years, I've worked part-time at a local juice bar. But thanks to all of the live gigs I've managed to book, I am now officially financially independent. I have to live like a monk, but I'm wealthy in freedom. I never thought I'd reach this point. In most of the other parallel realities, I am likely dead by active or passive suicide. But in this reality I'm pursuing my passions and making money from them. Go figure! I could say more, but I don't want this post to be too long, and I need to get my day started. But I feel drawn back to this forum because I feel that in the midst of all of this human stuff, I've lost the plot. I've hit a level of burnout that I've never experienced before, which has caused me to backslide in my habits. I've become addicted to my own adrenaline release, whether with chronic Youtube content consumption, my right hand, or late bedtimes. While I've achieved so much in the past couple of years, I feel like I've lost myself in the process. I've lost that zest to learn more, to push myself towards higher virtue, to stay above the noise. I guess I have a case of spiritual tinnitus. So it's time to turn down the volume on distraction. My hope is that writing, whether here or in my own journal, will get me back on track. My goals for this off-season (i.e. fewer gigs and more time to myself): Replace mindless Youtube content consumption with audiobooks, books, journaling, and songwriting Either write one song or learn one cover song per week Continue working on clients' projects Transition from using my right hand with a screen, to using my right hand without one, to ideally using my right hand only once per week at most Re-acquire my stretching habit and begin to myofascially release my god-awful posture from too much guitar playing Acquire a regular aerobics habit (likely long walks) Re-acquire a regular strength training habit At least eight hours of rest every night, with an ideal bedtime of 10pm and wakeup at 7am I have other goals and more to say, but for now, this will suffice. To anyone who is curious enough to read this — I wish you well!