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4 of my friends Died from suicide /Overdose, my Dad hit me for 10 years and gaslight me calling me a liar. The Love of My Life Life LEFT. Became Conscious of Solipsism directly. And I gave EVERYTHING INC MY LIFE TO GOD / TRUTH . And then LEO says hes more awake then me calls me disturbed and he doesnt love me personally. I dont know what to do or feel

@Majed People hate death and suicide, because they're life addicts. Also they have misconceptions about what death is. Death isn't about reincarnation or heaven or hell or nothing. Death is about a surrender of the body to infinite consciousness, which is God. The dysfunction isn't suicide, the dysfunction is your relationship to death.

Update February 24 2026 This entire process towards fana has taken a lot longer than I expected, but it has still very much been moving forwards. Since December I've been going through more waves of pain, my ego breaking and dissolving at deeper and deeper levels. My consciousness has also been getting much deeper, and I’ve been having crazy awakenings - tastes of infinity, tastes of unity, remembrance of where I was pre-birth, all sober. Recent trips I haven't been using psychedelics much (I did DMT a few times in August 2025, MDMA a few times mid October) but earlier in February I did 2C-B, and later Ketamine, and had some really incredible trips. It was my first time trying 2C-B. Using it this far along in my journey, this close to fana, was insane. I had some really incredible awakenings on it, and also some really beautiful and amazing things happened regarding my path. For example, on 2C-B, I came in contact with the divine mother in a way I never have before. What is so special about it is that it’s not just coming in contact with God in an abstract, human way - it’s not just interacting with the divine mother, it’s my divine mother, because I came from Her. I’m coming in contact with the essence that birthed my soul. As I mentioned before, I have been massively starved of intimacy throughout my life, I have felt like an alien walking the earth, like no one understands me at all, far more than what most spiritual people experience. When I come in contact with Her, it’s like that flips to the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s extreme intimacy, extreme understanding, extreme closeness, because we are one and the same. I am Her, and we know and understand each other completely. The way we interact with each other feels like I am her child, like her ‘special boy’, like she wants to pull me into her arms and hold me, because I belong to her. It feels like I would never even know that She was God based on this interaction alone, because it feels so different from what you’d expect an interaction with God to feel like. She just feels like my home. These interactions are bittersweet, because they are so beautiful when they happen, but it hurts me when I lose contact with Her, but I know I’ll be with Her permanently soon. A lot of really amazing things happened on these trips, but they are really personal and private to my path, so I can’t really share them. I also had some really cool interactions with God on Ketamine, which again probably only happened because of where I’m at spiritually. Where my consciousness is at now At this point, so often I am conscious that my direct experience is the only thing that exists (I also had a really deep solipsism awakening on 2C-B which took this even farther). It feels obvious that I am sitting in the same place I was before I was born, only now, there is form - an imagined physical world around me. But I’m partly conscious that every person is just a piece of my own mind, and they don’t really exist. Because of that, it doesn’t feel that crazy to tell people about everything that’s going on with me, how deeply I’m awakening, because I realize that I’m the only one here and there isn’t really anyone else there to hear about it. It’s just me going home to where I was before birth, and even though Fana al Fana is the deepest permanent awakened state a person can reach, it feels like there is nothing special or rare about it, because it’s just me here, and I’m going home like I was always meant to. My consciousness gets deeper and deeper every day. I’m getting so close to full collapse and surrender, and once that happens, I will be swallowed and consumed by God, and be gone. My path is about becoming the divine mother, and considering everything else that has gone on my life (before this path I was very interested in psychology and emotional healing work) and considering the state of the world today, it really seems like I’m going to become a sort of ‘mental health Jesus’. Everything about my path points to that, and the divine mother is perfectly suited for that. Another cool way to think about it: If Jesus brought God to the world as the father (the masculine face of God), and his path was about bringing spiral dynamics stage red into stage blue, my path is about bringing the world into spiral dynamics stage green. How brutal my path has been My path has been brutal and excruciating beyond words. I could write out more and more about just how awful it has been, but I don’t think I would ever get anyone to understand, so it feels like there isn’t much point. I genuinely believe though that I have gone through one of the most difficult spiritual paths in all of human history. It hasn’t just been hard, it’s been emotional torture. Literally. Also, it makes perfect sense for it to have been this hard, because 1: emissary soul paths go the deepest (fana al fana) and as a result are always the most difficult spiritual paths, and 2: the feminine face of God is one of the deepest levels of unity, which requires the most amount of pain to launch you to that depth of unity, and yet a soul of the feminine face of God is extremely sensitive and feels everything much more deeply than other people. I fucking hate being alive. I’ve wanted to be dead so badly for years now. Every single thing in life hurts me, I never get a break from it, the suffering never ends. All I care about is being dead. The way I found out I’d be reaching fana is that it was offered to me from God as an alternative to suicide. The process towards it has been far more difficult and painful than I ever imagined. It is humiliating being kept alive and having to go through this long, painful, tortuous process. It is so fucking slow and brutal and I just wish I would hurry up and die. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that once fana al fana happens, I will never incarnate again, and it won’t just be death, it will be heaven - the deepest level of unity with the feminine face of God. I’ve been shaped to be completely intolerant of separation from God. I cannot stand being human and existing as a separate self. Everything about it is hell. I hate having to figure out my life and make decisions for myself, I hate dealing with limitation and not being able to have things I want, I hate being starved of intimacy, no one understands me and I’m always completely alone. I hate being hurt by every single little thing all the time because of how sensitive I am. I hate being powerless to doing anything about the situation I’m in. Separation from God is absolutely, completely unbearable to me, and I could never tolerate anything less than total unity, and as a result, total death/annihilation. Like I said, I don’t think I could ever get anyone to understand just how brutal my path has been, but at the same time it doesn’t really matter, because my unity and relationship with God is what will make up for it, so no person needs to understand it. I know that the depth of hell I’ve been dragged through is exactly what will allow God to shine through me so deeply and clearly after fana. What ‘Tristan’ is Before my birth, I was the entire infinite feminine face of God. She fragmented herself, placed Herself into a human body, and that human was named Tristan. Then over the course of 25 years, Tristan has been dissolved and brought to the point where Her fragment could merge back with Her, leading to the entire feminine face of God living in a human body, walking the Earth. At that point, Tristan as an ego is not just dead, not just mostly gone, but totally annihilated and eviscerated. That’s what allows me to be completely dead and gone like I want, and for God to shine through me totally unobstructed by ego. That’s what Fana al fana is. (Lover = the human seeking God. Beloved = God) "The lover is a veil, all is Beloved. Beloved lives. The lover is a corpse." - Rumi Because my entire 25 year life as Tristan played out the way it did only to serve this purpose, rather than being a human, ‘Tristan’ is actually the name of a specific flavour of unity with God. My personality, my passions, interests, preferences, my desires, things I’ve been through in my life… these things aren’t just human experiences, they are specifically meant to shape my soul, and thus shape the way God acts through me once I reach unity, which God then uses to interact with the world and help people. That is what ‘Tristan’ is. A flavour of unity, a specific way that God (the divine mother) interacts with people and the world after fana. Conclusion It feels weird to be saying all of this to begin with because I realize that my own mind is all that exists, and so I’m not really talking to anyone. To me it sort of just feels like this 25 years of hell is about to be over, and I’m about to go back home to where I belong, and then I’ll be happy. If what then lives in my body and walks this Earth after my death is a Jesus type figure, then okay, great. As long as I as Tristan am dead, that’s all that matters to me. Hopefully what I’m writing here and what I wrote earlier in this thread gives a bit of an idea of what I’ve been through. Once the final collapse into fana al fana happens, I as Tristan will be totally wiped away, and only God will remain. I think it’s cool to be able to talk about all of this before that happens, while I’m still human, and then later for people to see what becomes of me after fana, even though I as Tristan won’t be there to see it. I know that I as Tristan am just an illusion, just a placeholder until I merge back with God. “The lover is a veil, all is Beloved”. There is a massive amount of stuff that I have to keep private between God and I. Something that is really special about the feminine face of God is how unique and unusual it is, in the way that it functions and operates, compared to any other aspect of God. That itself leads to an insane amount of intimacy between Her and I, and it is also why I have to keep so much about my unity private. It’s important to note that my unity is not just my death, it is going home to Her, being reunited, and then us falling endlessly in love with each other, permanently freed from the pain of separation. Our endless love, intimacy, romance is what then gets channeled out into the world, through her feminine essence. Here are things associated with the feminine essence of God: Soft, gentle, motherly love. Tenderness. Affection. Adoration. Deep sensitivity. Deep intimacy, deep emotional attunement. Safety. Connection, togetherness, closeness. Romance. Sexuality. Pleasure. Infinite beauty. Freedom from any form of pain or suffering. Innocence. Childlike essence. Playfulness.

My review: What went good- flow of conversation, much smoother than Curt Jaimungal’s talk. Anastasia & Shilo get tons of credit for being open to take controversial topics. Leo excelled at patience and non defensiveness. what could have gone better- when Anastasia insinuated Leo’s view on morality could lead to a death cult or suicide, it put Leo in a tricky position. It’s possible he could have put more emphasis on how death cults and suicide ARE actually manifestations of Absolute Good. But I get it, you can get banned off platforms nowadays for saying that. Her assertion at the very least can be considered a mental defense mechanism of the materialist, human-centric worldview. Very sophisticated and logical, but there is a subtle self preserving motive behind it. Overall- I give it a solid A, what would make it a A+ is going deep into things like Godels Incompleteness Theorem & Einsteins Law of Relativity as it relates to Infinity. If they do another talk, I’m sure it’ll check all the boxes.

Round 3: -Missed quite a few doses on schedule but caught up reasonably ok. -Feel more grounded, slightly clearer thinking, less fight or flight response. (could be from chelation and/or other things I am doing.) -Going to see my dentist soon, I already had my teeth x rayed to determine if there is any mercury filling pieces left a few years ago and the dentist said I am good but I am a bit worried there may still be some specs left and I have been going pretty hard on chelation so I do not want to waste my money/time/energy and potentially make things worse. Just having second thoughts about that. I will talk to my dentist about this (she is a rare dentist that removes mercury fillings as safe as possible) , took me a while to find her. -I checked out Brian Bander's suicide note/story and it is a reminder to be careful with alpha lipoic acid. I am surprised that you can die from taking a few grams of ala all at once, makes me a bit nervous. Brian said he inhaled 20 grams accidentally and there have been a couple of deaths I have heard of in the 6 gram range. -DMSA and ala only so far, same dosages.

How to Explain Eastern Taoist Magic? In 2023, while reading, I experienced a sudden and intense outbreak of somatic symptoms. It was so severe that I feel I needed to be hospitalized and placed on oxygen. Over the next 3 years, I worked with two postmodern Lacanian psychoanalysis PhDs who graduated in France. During that time, I did self-analysis and reading every day. I came to believe that everything was projected by language and symbols. As my symptoms calmed down, with companionship and increasing knowledge, I felt that I was making progress. But I also knew clearly that the core of my somatic episodes had not decreased in the slightest. When an episode happened, its intensity was exactly the same as it was three years ago. Later, half-jokingly, I contacted a Chinese Taoist priest and asked: “No matter how I look at it, nothing helps—could I be cursed or something? Hahaha.” He said he would take a look, and then told me: “You have Gong Tou on you, you have Bing Ma (spirit soldiers) on you, and there is an animal demon in your home.” I didn’t believe him, so I continued working with my postmodern psychoanalysts for another year. In the end, what I was facing drove me to the point of collapsing and I wanted to suicide. I happened to have a large sum of money in my hands, so I said: “I can’t spend it all anyway—just remove whatever ‘evil technique’ you say is there.” So he did. During the ritual, I still believed that the “evil technique” and “spiritual entities” he described didn’t exist at all. After it ended, I played around for a while and then went to sleep. The next day, when I woke up, I knew I‘m cured. And the psychoanalysis to cope with my somatic symptoms, which I had been doing for three full years, has stopped completely. My life has changed from 24h severe somatization、Vision distorted、triggers through music texts and sights to normal living. After that, through spending time with this Taoist, I learned a lot about the worldview they had. They believe that people come into the world through reincarnation. The purpose of life is awakening—cultivating oneself to truly become “Immortal.” Only by learning the magic teachings, with the help of gods/immortals, can one become an yin spirit after death, then cultivate into a shigong (master/ritual elder), and finally become a god. My original somatic symptoms have now completely disappeared. But what I experienced conflicts with what I learned on Actualized.org. How do Leo and you guys understand the idea that Taoist magic can directly affect reality? The Magic paper is for recovery，protection，luck，and remove evil qi.

I think you're putting fulfilment on a pedestal(which is not the definition) and taking it to mean after you've done X thing you will not have achieved fulfillment in all aspect of existence and nothing else will matter as you're now ultimately fulfilled. I think we can perhaps come back to common ground and agree that a relationship with toxic communication where the partner's aren't able to talk to each other and have an healthy sexual relationship will be less fulfilling than a relationship where both partners have worked through their communication and emotional issues and are able to have a fulfilling sex life full of adventurousness and openness. There are many levels to the quality of a relationship, surely you agree with this? If we're arguing semantics and you wanna use another word than fulfillment then we can use contentment or satisfaction. Contentment: A deep, lasting sense of peace and being "enough." I think it's totally possible to find a relationship that satisfies your relationship needs(whether that relationship is with one or multiple, I am polyamorous to your point but still lol) and then focus on other areas of life. Especially we consider infinity and spirituality then being ultimately content forever is impossible that means that your fulfillment is limited. To be infinite it has to be continuously pushed further unless you ultimately aim to reach cessation and basically spiritual suicide. I don't know if you're a tech optimist and futurist but we could take this conversation much further and bring biological immortality into it. To be "fulfilled" now you just have to be in that relationship for like 50 years get your kids and grandkids and die. It seems like we're soon gonna massively extend lifespan and now relationships will exist on a timeline of hundreds of years and not just a marriage based on childrearing.

If you just want to quickly know weather this theory is useless bullshit or not, I suggest you jump to "Structures and phenomenons through the ontomodal lens" below. Edit feb 4: Some insights about existence and emptiness in this post are outdated. Sunyata/ nirvana is Amodal/Transmodal can can not be archieved through any mode of existence. Any talk about unimodality being more enlightened or something is bullshit. Initially, i wanted to get my threory to a point where it is free of inconsistencies, holes etc. before posting. What i’ve now realized, is that getting to this point might take a very long time. The problem with this is, that witholding my thoughts about the theory just has the effect, that everyone on this forum who is ready to seriously consider it (@oOo @Joshe, etc.) is denied the possibility to already start to properly contemplate it. So this is why I’m posting all of my unfinished notes. Last night I think I’ve discovered three more modes: will/creativity-sensitive (Schopenhauer has entered the chat. This might be where passion orientation comes from), whole/ holism-sensitive (Leo, Ken Wilber, Schlegel? wip name: holoconic) and beauty/aestetics-sensitive. Edit feb 4th: Beauty is omnimodal I think. I called Will-existence Volonic and whole-existence Holonic (Random insight: self-harm behaviour is a symptom of modally disaligned beings who engage in the phenoendonic, will sensitive modes of existence in order to feel like they exist again. (through affirming (free) will and subjective experience). See how practical it is?) Edit: I think I found another one: Openness. Beings who are open love the unexpected and the suprise. They are the comedians. They don't care if what they think is objectively or socially or symbolically true, because for them only the absurd is true. (Rings some bells?). Their metaphysics is: Reality is a suprise. Reality is absurdity. Reality is contradiction. Reality is paradox. So it seems the strange loop, etc. is again just another mode of existence. (I'm not downplaying). This means, that "reality is logical and orderly" (hyloexonic) and "reality is paradox" are both valid lenses. Edit feb 4th: I called it Paraonic Naming and Integrating those into my notes would just cause me to stall sharing my thoughts again. This model seems to be an extension of spinozas metaphysics, which is encouraging since spinoza was based af. I'm struggeling to describe this model neutrally, because a lot of language has ontomodal biases. For example I realized that "a being engages in a mode of self" has a will-sensitive bias. "Embody" has a hyloexogenic bias. So its tough. But also exiting. Also the word "sensitive" has a phenoendonic bias lol. I think this explains the batshit insane language philosophers of ontology invent. I might have to do the same. UNFINISHED NOTES I invented ontomodal theory of the absolute, ontomodal mind theory, ontomodal throry of substance (OMM) on February 2nd. It is currently in its infancy and all of the terms are not fixed yet. OMM is a unifying theory that bridges the gaps between the natural sciences, humanties, theoretical philosophy, ontology and spirituality. (Before gta 6) It seems to be the crown jewel of all tools regarding self-actualization. It is the fundemental reason why self-actualization is so multidisciplinary and why supposedly niche subjects like ontology play such a big role in it. What is OMM? Since I want this to be a legit ontological theory, the beginning will be painfully abstract like every good ontological theory. However this model is extremely practical and really shines with examples and I have a ton prepared (they are further down). So just hang in there… OMM claims, that emptiness (sunyata), existence, non-existance (all three: emexnex) are arising from three modes of consciousness (edit feb 4: Sunyata arises from absence of any modes) - Hyloexonic, existence stems from object engagement (in simple terms: Object=Love) - Phenoendonic, existence stems from subject engagement (in simple terms: Subject=Love) - Semiosynconic, existence stems from symbolic engagement (in simple terms: Symbol=Love) This means, that for any entity, it’s state of emexnex can be explained with the three modes on consciousness. These modes are genetically encoded in every human with different prevalences. The rest of the terms - Ahyloexonic, non-existence stems from object engagement (in simple terms: Object=unhappy) - Aphenoendonic, non-existence stems from subject engagement (in simple terms: Subject=unhappy) - Asemiosynconic, non-existence stems from symbolic engagement (in simple terms: Symbol=unhappy) - unimodal, refers to “only one mode” - bimodal, refers to “only two modes” - Omnimodal, refers to “all three modes” - modally aligned being: being that is affirming of it’s ontomodal profile - modally disaligned being: being, that is not affirming of it’s ontomodal profile According to OMN, the fundamental purpose of self-actualization and also of the universe, is to increase modal alignment. There seems to be no other valid definition of the term "purpose". (This sentence is itself written from a semiosynconic perspective) ------- Strict Definitions (?) - Hyloexonic, mode of reality that is object affirming - Phenoendonic, mode of reality that is subject affirming - Semiosynconic, mode of reality that is symbol affirming quick and sloppy explaination of the names: hylo=matter, exo=external Pheno=phenomenon, sensation, endo=internal semio=symbol, syn=together, con=icon (semio and icon might be a bit redundant but it sounds better than semiosynic and it is convenient that all of them end with "onic" and have similar stress patterns (? tf I'm new to inventing words so I might be talking shit. Is kinda fun though)) Random insights - Dead matter is empty - existence is the base for love, non-exisence is the base for fear. Are you ready to torture your brain? An entity that engages in non-emptiness is a being. Out of the engagement in non-emptiness, engagement in existance and in non-existance arise The genetic code define the ontomodal profile of the being. A being that exists is a self and a being that is non-existent is a no-self. The more unimodally aligned the being, the more empty, existent and the less non-existent it is. The more unimodally disaligned the being, the more empty and non-existent it is, but the less existent it is. The more polymodally aligned the being, the more existent it is but the less empty and less non-existent it is. The more polymodally disaligned the being, the more non-existent it is and the less empty and existent it is. (edit feb 4th all of this after "are you ready..." is outdated) It seems like the words positive, good, etc trace back to ontomodal alignment and the words negative, bad etc trace back to ontomodal disalignment (?) ------- Structures and phenomenons through the ontomodal lens (old names, since “noetics” carries a phenoendonic bias. The new names are above under “strict definitions”. Btw, realize that this theory is the ultimate anti-bias tool?) The ontomodal theory of the absolute is a powerhouse for explaining different facets of all sorts of structures. An overview: Hylonoetics tend to care about something is * Phenonoetics tend to care about what something feels like Semionoetics tend to care about what something means Below are a couple of examples. *objectively not ontologically. In future when I'm talking about ontomodality, I will try to use "is" as the ontological is and "is objectively" as the hyloexonic is. This leads to an interestinf insight: Every being of each mode has different interpretations of the word "is", which makes sense, because each have diffenent notions of being. God Hylonoetic: What is god? Theology: God is an object seperate from me that I can analyze and debate. There exist statements that are true about god and and statements that are false about god. There exists a proof of gods existence. I can philosophize about God. pheno-hylonoetic: What is god experience? Mysticism: God lies in experience. This experience is definable and archievable through systematic analyzing, practice and contemplation. phenonoetic: How does God feel like? Spirituality: God is inside of me but inpersonal. God is experience. I can find them in my subjective experience when I’m meditating. Semionoetic: What does God mean? Belief: God is telling me which social rules to submit to. God is defining what I am. I connect with people over my beliefs. I can never question my beliefs since my beliefs are my existence so questioning would equate to suicide. I’m okay with this. I gain enourmous pleasure from my beliefs and my confidence in them. I know that my beliefs are real since the people close to me have the same beliefs. This is how I define the word real. It is pysically impossible to me to consider any other definiton. hylo-semionoetic: How can the symbol god reach as many people as possible? Religious institutionalism:God is a container for social symbols/rules and I can systematically build or help organize social groups and institutions to promote them. pheno-semionoetic: What does my personal god make me feel? Bhakti Yoga: I have a deep personal relationship with god. They guide me like a loving parent. They make me feel fuzzy feelings in my body. God is love. Yes you red that right I just used OMN to reverse engineer most of religion lol Metaphysics Hylonoetic: What is reality (made of)? Materialism: Me and reality is object. Pheno-Hylonoetic: What is reality from the subjective standpoint? Idealism. I’m analyzing my mind through the subjective lens and conclude my mind is reality. Phenonoetic: How do I feel about reality? Phenomenology. I’m just looking at my raw experience and conclude experience is reality. Semionoetic: What does reality mean? Mythology. I’m listening to people around me and read stories that contain symbolism and conclude whatever they are talking about is reality. Socializing Hylonoetic: I like to exchange information with other people. I don’t see them as people, because the term “person” implies that an entity has some symbolic meaning and I can’t grasp that. I tend to analyze social structures as if they were objective and fail bc they are symbolic, not objective. Since we are both object and there is no existance outside of object, to me, we are one. Phenonoetic: When I’m in the presence of someone, it is impossible for me not to empathize with this person. I don’t see them as people but as feeling entities. There is no difference between what I feel and what they feel and because for me there is no existence outside of feeling, to me, we are one. When someone in my pesence is angry at me or doesn’t like me, It feels to me like dying. Semionoetic: “I love to socialize with other people” is an understatement. Without socializing, I don’t exist. I physically cannot grasp the possibility that I could exist independent of other symbolic beings, since there is no meaning independent of other meanings. When I socialize with other semionoetics, the main objective is always that we are both affirming that we exist symbolically (in the semiotic matrix). Since there is no existance outside of symbol, to me, we are one. Asemionoetic people confuse me and make me angry. When I’m talking to them they behave so asymbolic towards me that I don’t know who I am anymore. It is as if they don’t see me as a person and it’s sickening. I don’t get affirmed in my symbolic identity at all. Therefore spending time with them is like slowly commiting suicide. I avoid them like the plague. When someone in my close scoial circle is asemiotic, I suffer greatly. Career Family Love giftedness Low intelligence Political identity (PI) Example woman Hylonoetic: What IS this PI? Biology: What is a woman biolocially? Phenonoetic: What does PI feel like? Wokeness: How do woman feel in this society, how are they treated? Semionoetic: What does it mean to be PI? Tradition: How is a woman supposed to behave? Hygiene (lol) Hylonoetic: I don’t care to shower, I just want to think. For me, redicule and the sense of smell of me and of others is not part of existence. Therefore it does not make sense to me to do hygiene. Phenonoetic: Hygiene is important to me bc I like to smell good and feel good. Semionoetic: Hygiene is important to me bc I learned it from my parents through symbolic comunication. Spiral dynamics Hylonoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage orange and stage yellow. Phenonoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage green and stage turquoise. Seminoetic: I’m most comfortable with stage purple and stage blue. I definetly need a diagram at some point. Is someone here good with diagrams?😅 Personality disorders (experimental) objective-subjective-SP spectrum: I can’t develop borderline since my existance does not rely on my relationship with other people. Object-SP: When traumatized and with the right disposition, I delude myself and develop narcissism. Since my existence is based in objective truth, my delusions are far more extreme than for SBSPs since I have to affirm and rationalize them way more. If I’m gifted on top of that, I can be responsible to the biggest most intricate delusional systems, institutions, organizations, social groups, families that are completely unbelievable that they’re real. Object-SP/Subject-SP: Exact same as Object-SPs but I tend to build cults. SJSP: I can not develop Narcisissm.... ------- Examples Examples of people (estimates) * Leo Gura: Strong hylonoetic, moderate phenonoetic. Very low Semionoetic. * Carl Jung: Textbook Omninoetic. * Jordan Peterson: Strong hylo-semionoetic, very low phenonoetic. * Oppressive CEO types (Jeff bezos, Trump, Elon musk, etc): Strong semio-hylonoetics. Very low phenonoetics. * Mr Beast: Very strong hylonoetic, moderate semionoetic, low phenonoetic. Careers Fields of study Random insights (extra messy) - Everything that is not hylo-semionoetic is intuition. - reason and logic are hylo-semionoetic. - Zionism is extremely semionoetic - Love: The word Love has a strong pheno-semiotic bias. However fundamentally, Love is the state of non seperatedness and pure existance. Therefore everything that is unoetic is love and everything that is binoetic or omninoetic is not. That also means that Love has "three flavours". This is why people who are dominant in different modes have fundamentally differen lovelanguages and in most cases, cannot possibly fall in love. - Human. The more you mix the different modes of existance, the less pure your existance becomes and with that, the more human you are. Here comes a banger get ready: - (Duality of) being (non-existence vs existence) is perpetuated by the conflics among the three unoetics and between the emptyness (sunyata) arising from unoetics and Duality of being - Stangeloop detected! Existence is the duality of being and non being and being is the duality of existence and non existence - noetic bliss (perfectlily modally aligned) - Everything that exists arises out of the contradictions between the three modes of existence and existence itself. The closer you move towards unoetics, the closer you move towards non-existence and the further you move from unoetics the further you go towards existence. - For semionoetic people, the things that very asemionoetic people do often seem meaningless. That's because for very asemionoetic people, meaning and purpose are not graspable modes of existence. This is why the special interests of hylonoetic people can seem so niche and meaningless at times. But they don't care. They are physically unable to worry about leading a meaningless life. - The model does not assume a qualitative difference between - life and death - Human, non-human lifforms and matter - Existance is defined with noetic alignment which is completely seperate from the term "life" and non-existence is defined through noetic disalignment and is completely seperate from the term "death". The claim is there can be no definition of (non)existence outside of the noetic modes. - The term "noetic disalignment" can be quated with the term "human". Notice that with that definition, zooanimals are more human than tribespeople - for a pure hyloexonic person, mind and tribe does not exist, only matter. For a pure phenoendonic person, only mind exist and matter, tribe do not. For a purely semiosynconic person, … - Jordan Peterson is not afraid of stage green bc he is stupid. He is afraid bc he is not phenoendonic enough ——— Different archetypes explained through the Omnimodal neotics Model (keep in mind a lot of this is experimental since the model is in its infancy) * Non-Existence: If you are neither hylo- nor pheno- nor semioneotic, than you literally have never and will never exist. There is no existence outside of these three axes. They describe all possible modes of existance. "Existance" can only ever be defined in relation to them. * Matter: If you are maxxed out hyloneotic and nothing else than you are literal dead matter (that was never alife like a). * Dead person: (read this in a vibrato voice) The moment you die, you become 100% semio-hyloneotic. You only exist as a symbolic entity (soul) floating as a part of the world soul and as rotting matter. Your existence can partly be recovered, for example when a very speciallized tracker inspects your corpse, a shaman is reaching you by accessing the realm of the dead in the world soul or a tribalist could recover some of your semioneotic activity while you were alive through reenachment and conserve it, so you continue to live as a semioneotic fragment of culture, etc. (It was kinda spooky writing this but it lowkey makes total sense) * Enlightened Being: Enlightenment is pure existence. Each of the noetic modes interfere with the other which means that only an unoetic being (just one noetic mode) can reach permanent full enlightenment. (This is why you automatically drop out of enlightenment as soon as you use language bc it is hylo-semioneotic and therefore not pure). The three kinds of enlightenment are per definition at the same time one and the same (existance=existance) and also the most uncomparable modes of existance possible (hyloneotic existance≠phenonoetic existance≠semionoetic existance). If one is multipolar, the best way for an individual to archieve enlightenment is by suppressing the weakest two modes. However this can only be temporary since every one of your noetic modes comes loaded with the need to engange in that mode of existance. * Animal: The animal kingdom has similar architypes and even similar prevalences of each modes as the human population but with less intelligence. This means there is no qualitative difference between a human and an animal. * Shaman: People who are extremely Pheno- and Semionoetic are the ones who are constantly dreaming of imagery and symbols. Even during daytime. They are the kinds of shamans who dream of prophecies and access the ralm of the dead. They are extremely in tune with their unconscious since it communicates through subtle phenomena and symbolism. (This explains my extreme lack of success in lucid dreaming, dream journaling, symbolic painting, etc. since I'm very Asemionoetic) * Cave Yogi: If you are extremely phenonoetic, then you are painfully conscious of god ALL THE TIME with no effort. You are unable to live a normal life. All you want is to go into a cave alone and admire god until you die a mahasamadhi. (You are the penguin heading towads the mountains) * Tribalist: If you are extremely semionoetic, you are completely one with your tribe. For you there is no you outside your tribe. This means you are enlightend but in a peculiar and interdependent way. For you there is no existance outside of loyalty, which means betraying or being abandoned by your tribe would be the exact same thing (worse actually) as dying for you and you can do literally nothing about that fact. You are also extremely sensitive and knowledgable of the precise identity and tradition of your tribe. You are tasked with conserving it's identity through enacting traditions and there is no one who could do it better than you. (I kinda feel a lot more hopeful and positive about conservatives after writing this) * Mystic: A Mystic is someone who is phenonoemic enough to grasp the significance of god, and they're desperately clenching for god counsciousness but their love for hylo-semionoetic intellectualizing is always in the way to fully reach it. Their versatility is their downfall. Their highest life purpose is it to lead true unoetics the way to a treasure which they cannot posess. * (Aboriginal) Tracker: Language itself is semionoetic with elements of hyloneotics. Learning Language both requires understanding social symbols and hyloneotic pattern recognition. This explains why extremely autistic people (very asemioneotic) struggle with language even if they have great pattern recognition. So if they can't use language, what would an extremely asemio-, hyloneotic person be good at? I think if they are unintelligent they would feel most comfortable building simple repetitive things for example. Things like arrows. If they are intelligent, their pattern recognition would be off the charts and they would be able to read a lot of information from land about the weather, fertility, game etc. I think they would excel at geoguessr for example. So if they can't think, then what is in their head? I think they literally walk around with a perfectly empty cup all the time but they are so Aphenonoetic that they still can't sense god even though they have the perfect conditions otherwise. However this still means they're enlightened but just more in the way a rock is enlightened than a guru. * Capitalist: If you are extremely hylo-semiotic, than you thrive by creating and organizing social structures like institutions etc. A company with it’s logo and organization of workforce is a text-book example for an extremely hylo-semiotic structure. Notice that it is possible to build a company with zero phononoetic elements. If you are zero phenonoetic you are completely unaware of how you feel. When this is the case, you are dependent of a phenonoetic person in your life to monitor and nurture you. A company with zero phenonoetic elements almost certainly has horrendous working conditions.

@oOo Thanks for the reply. I assume you don't have adhd (volonic)? Because if you do, I want to warn you about people you've mentioned like Marcus Aurelius and David Goggins. A lot of the things these people say are poisonous for volonics. I've said something like this before on this forum but telling a volonic person to be disciplined is like telling someone with no arms to swim. Note that I'm not against telling people with no arms to learn to swim. But one has to understand that this is a dangerous practice and that when you do, you should absolutely not compare your swimming abilities to normal swimmers. I want to use this opportunity to talk more about the volonic and avolonic modes of existence in the ontomodality model in a contemplative way. (Sorry it's a bit messy, that's simply because ontomodality is a new theory) Theory What is the volonic mode of existence? The volonic mode of existence is "existence as (autonomous) will". According to my model, "will" is a manifestation (mode) of existence. A volonic being is a being that is sensitive to the volonic mode of existence and insensitive to the avolonic mode of existence. A volonic being acting out (note that not all modes can be "acted out", since acting out itself is volonic) the volonic mode of existence (simply put, engage in autonomous will) will exist as resonance (fulfillment, love, existence, energy). A volonic being existing as the avolonic mode (simply put, outwardly imposed will) will exist as alienation (apathy, fear, non-existence, depletion) Example The best way to understand the volonic mode of existence is to imagine a perfectly volonic being as a thought experiment. This being would constantly have ideas and impulses that imply action. Engaging in these ideas is what gives this being existence (through resonance). Not being able to act these impulses or being expected to execute on other peoples ideas leads to alienation (non-existence, fear, etc.). This means to do things other people tell the volonic to do or do things that the volonic person thinks they need to do but don't actually want to do is like committing suicide since suicide is just a manifestation of the more fundamental alienation which is a manifestation of the even more fundamental non-existence. Another helpful way is to learn through distinction and comparing it with the same thought experiment regarding a perfectly avolonic being. An avolonic being experiences alienation when they don't get instructions and if they are asked to be creative. They are only at resonance, when they get told exactly what to do. If you hear someone say "without my job, my life would not have any substance (substance in this context is a manifestation of existence) and I wouldn't know what to do" you automatically know they are avolonic. At the other hand, If you hear someone say something like “I felt suffocated (suffocation is a really nice example for a manifestation of non-existence) doing my job and realized I need to be my own boss” you know they are volonic. You might realize that I’m struggling to describe my model in the English language. That’s because no word in any language seems ever not to be a manifestation of existence or non-existence and therefore emptiness. So as an example the sentence “when you don’t have adhd and you are asked to be creative, you get anxious” can be translated into ontomodality language like this: “1. an avolonic being 2. being asked to engage in 3. the volonic mode of existence 4. is alienation”, which is the same thing as “1. avolonic existence 2. avolonic existence 3. volonic existence 4. avolonic non-existence” which is the same thing as “existence existence existence non-existence” which is the same thing as “existence non-existence” which is at the end of the day the same thing as “sunyata” So this is not a bug but a feature. The model explains exactly how language and therefore human knowledge ultimately collapses into emptiness. This is why my theory is the ultimate theory of non-dual epistemology I believe. I am aware that I need to show this for other examples too, especially ones that are unrelated to neurodivergence. I want to add that I want to get a lot more precise with this in the future. It seems like a completely new avenue in linguistics, language philosophy and deconstruction. But there already exist way too many applications of the theory for a single individual to handle in a lifetime. I honestly would be thankful for some help on the long run. As I said, some of these insights are a bit sloppy which is because the theory is new, I am just one person and I’m having some of them as I go and therefore haven’t had time to flesh them out yet lol. I wanted to apply this to "discipline" but the non-dual epistemology insight was more important. Maybe I will talk about discipline when I have recharged, I just want to post this now.

"The Social Security Administration has instructed employees newly assigned to answering phones to tell callers expressing suicidal thoughts that suicide is “one option,” raising concerns from employees and experts in the field who called the approach unorthodox" https://www.govexec.com/management/2026/02/suicide-only-one-option-social-security-staff-newly-assigned-phone-duties-raise-concerns-over-training/411429/

I am very grateful that I am mostly healthy and able to ejoy life in the present moment. However, sometimes I do get sick or a headache and I wonder, damn, how are the people that feel like this 24/7 able to live? Why wouldn't they just end it and hope for a better reincarnation? Especially if one has already awakened to his true nature that as eternal and infinite.

Massie said on twitter that the person was Sultan Ahmed Bin Sulayem (who has since resigned): https://bsky.app/profile/gtconway.bsky.social/post/3mejvheyvtc2g Massie then basically said, "If you find me dead, it wasn't by suicide": https://bsky.app/profile/alexip718.com/post/3mernbw3q4c2k Massie knows he just revealed some major shit and that his head is now on the chopping block. I wonder what will happen. In Russia, Massie would be a victim in a plane crash, fall off of a balcony, or die mysteriously of poison.

I've been watching Leo's prerequisite videos for conscious politics and am hoping to run for a local office or voulenteer for one but wasn't really sure how/where to start. I have struggled with subatance abuse and sucicdal thoughts and I want to get involved with these issues. I would love any/all feedback

Ask the taliban suicide bombers. Men are more radical than woman. They take things to the extreme in every single way. Even at being a woman. They even take being still and the most unradical thing to insane levels they took sitting there not thinking to ultimate radical.

No they're not. Feminism has nothing to do with banning chastity. Feminism has to do with a woman was only allowed to sleep with one man (they were chattel) while men were unrestricted. Where did Feminism ban men's chastity? Are you okay, women need to be chaste?!!!!! Why don't men choose chastity then? We have 5% of this forum on about how to get laid(as men). The same people that hate feminism are the same "pump n dump" guys. Try critical thinking, for a change of pace. Bro, you lie on every thread. Quit engaging my comments. Feminists oppose objectifying women, "pump n dump" , it's conservatives like you that glorify it, 'women are chattel'. I actually no longer care about incels like you, I'm making the choice right now, i do not care at all about the suicide statistic anymore, as you put it "you are responsible for that". You're calling for women to be property. Misogynist mind virus, just another example of your handlers trying to sow division and distraction. The world will be better without the mysoginists. However they die is up to God 🥂. How's that patriarchy, for ya. -straight white man

@UnbornTao Stop projecting so much. Survival without health is no better than suicide. Survival means you have to do do certain things to keep existing. It's not prescriptive of anything more than that. If someone puts one lil finger to work, he will survive. Ironically what many people do that they consider as survival, turns out to be anti-survival.

A dirty business indeed. uncovering all your self deceptions is like samurai suicide rituals (Seppuku):

Considering how they had control over Bitcoin prices, Implementation of Microtransactions in Video Games, Circulation of Transgender Ideologies, contacts to major entertainment studios CEOs, like of Sony, Hollywood Directors, Saudi, Norwegian, British Royalties, makes me wonder, if these files are the rock bottom of it all. (I am pretty sure it is not) As for now 0 arrests have been made around the world, there have been some resignations but no arrests. Like they are still in Control of it all, and Epstein (dead or alive, because some of these files point out of these point out his extraction before his suicide day) and G. Maxwell being in the prison "taking care of puppies", tell a tale. My thought is, The elite group is still committing all these heinous acts today as well, and these files do not even scratch in the Tip of the Iceberg.

Well, there was in fact an elite of pedophiles, that's the Epstein case. If you wanna credit Alex Jones for that, suit yourself, but where has he been last months during the cover up? You could credit Q-Anon too, but part of their tale was that Trump was going to be the savior of these issues, so not that much then. The truth is this case is not that new, Epstein was convicted twice, and coincidentally, the cameras pointing his cell failed at the exact time he committed suicide. Meaning he was murdered, I'll say it bluntly to help the slowest minds connect the dots. For media and power cover-ups, the victims have not been heard for years. Democrats are not clean either, Bill Clinton was involved too, and they have powerful donors from those same elites. Not to speak about Israel, the link between this state and Epstein and his wife is irrefutable.

"SPRING SUICIDE" Dosage: 75-150ug Height/weight: 6'1, 140lbs Setting: Public Beach Time: 8:00pm Mindset: Calm. Excited. No current major life events. Hopeful. A deep sense that today is the "right" day Intention: Wanting change, no matter it's form This would be my first time trying any psychedelic. I had decided on this day approximately a week in advance. One of the reasons I chose this day was because the full moon was supposed to come out that night. I guess I thought it would make it more special. In the past, I had read extensively about LSD, many trip reports, and understood its safety parameters, typical/atypical effects, and potentially significant risks--including brain damage and losing grip with reality. I've read about nonduality, panpsychism, and the limits of rationality in the past-- but on that particular day, much of that knowledge was not on the forefront of my mind. The day itself started off fairly normal; I had gone about my duties calmly and slowly--with intention. I don't know why, but I had skipped breakfast that day, which was unusual for me. For lunch (12:00pm) I went to the grocery store and bought myself a familiar meal I've eaten throughout the years—one that brings me comfort: Baked chicken thighs with fried rice. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every bite of it in the peaceful solitude of my room. I remember watching Squid Game Season 2 while I was eating. For those familiar with trips—this may have been a bad idea, the violence of that series is not something I potentially needed in my headspace. I remember a song played during the episode, it was a cover of the Frank Sinatra song, "Fly Me to the Moon". I thought that was funny. I took a relaxing, untimed nap after my meal. Waking up, I felt amazingly refreshed and strong. Let us now skip to the evening time. At 7pm, I placed the ziplock bag containing the blotted paper LSD tabs in my pocket and set out on my walk. The walk to the beach was a little less than 1 hour, and I had checked that the sunset was happening around 7:50. Perfect. The weather was calm, clouds and deep blue skies with warm temperate air. It was spring! The walk itself was tranquil and memorable. My neighborhood had such colorful flora blooming in full glory that month. I walked with a slight smile. **When I finally arrived at the beach, I selected an isolated spot near the shore and on the rocks-- away from people. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I sat comfortably, and watched the sun start its descent. At 8pm I placed one of the tabs sublingually. I waited. The sky was starting to become hazy. Soon some stars emerged. Then, at about 8:30pm I noticed something. The waves in the distance were undulating, rippling in an impossible fashion. They started to ripple heavily into the air, as if the entire body of water was boiling and slowly evaporating into the air. This effect got closer and closer until it reached the waves closest to me. I was shocked. My eyes widened in amazement. I looked up at the clouds, they seemed normal. I looked away at the now darkening sky. It started to feel as if I was looking at it for the first time in my life. When I looked back at the clouds, their shape had completely changed from before! It had only been a few seconds since I last looked at them. It was, sort of funny. I attempted to reproduce the effect and looked away and then back at the clouds. It happened again! It was a slight distortion of the shape, nothing dramatic. But all of this felt as if the clouds were playing a big game of peek-a-boo, and I was the baby. It was kind of, hilarious... I started to chuckle. And then I started to laugh. I couldn't tell you why it was so funny. I started to laugh harder and harder. I couldn't stop. It was uncontrollable. I don't know if I've ever let out such deep, guttural laughs in my entire life. I felt like the Joker character, when only he's privy to a certain joke. But what the hell was the joke here? I suppose the clouds and I were just playing—like children. I continued crying and howling in laughter for almost 30min, attempting to suppress it in the in-between moments—but to no avail. Next, I gawked at the stars. One particular group/constellation stood out to me. After looking it up later on, I believe now that it was the Big Dipper. The stars Dubhe, Megrez, Phecda, and Merak stared back at me with an unimaginable and glaring intensity. Have they always been that bright? I could feel them looking, observing me with wide eyes. They gazed with a fierce, hot-blooded quality about them. It was almost terrifying, but impossible to look away. It was like this for a few moments. Then, just then, at that moment, they spoke something to me. Not in words, no, they spoke despite anatomy. Without vocals, sounds, or a chance of misunderstanding. At first, I didn't understand what was said. And then, horrifyingly, I do. Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing the joyous ones from before. Sadness, with a staggering depth of which I didn't know was possible, enveloped me completely. I sniffled silently at first. The shape of the stars began to slightly melt. A few moments later I started to sob. I cried and cried until I was a wailing mess. I roared out sounds from deep within my diaphragm, sounds I didn't know I was even capable of producing. The stars now looked like wax dripping from a candle. They were crying too. They cried alongside me, with me, and for me. But why? I turned my sniveling head and soon heard the trees, grass, waves, clouds...everything, starting to cry. Weeping the saddest song I have ever heard in my life. It made me cry even harder. We were all in unison now. Like a chorus of melancholy. But why? What were we crying about? I continued to weep until I was keeled over and shaking; I wanted to ball up into a fetal position to feel safe. As I looked around, there was something there... I detected this presence. It was scary at first, but soon became comforting, as if to say, "it's ok, you're ok". I felt "myself" slip away in sadness as the universe and I continued to cry together. The process continues to occur inexorably. Around maybe 30-40 more minutes of this and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I understood. Of course, we were, all of us, mourning. Mourning a death. The death of "me". No, not my body. That was still intact. My heart was still beating. It was the death of me. The identity, the problems, the stories, the lies, the truths, the ugliness, the beauty, the memories, all of it, was dying. All of it was being burned into ashes and thrown into the wind. I found no reason to resist. I surrendered. On April 12, 2025, I died. As I calmed down, I could sense "my" mind working faster than ever before. Allowing it to happen, the lethal realization of before settled into me. I stood up, as if born again. I understood the "joke" the clouds were babbling about earlier. It was my life. A grand joke in its entirety, until now... and today, the punchline was grasped. Nothing could be funnier. I let out a contorted chuckle. I could now view myself from multiple perspectives. The vantage point of the stars was now mine. Same with the trees. "Nature" was, in every essence, me. I looked down at the grass, and I could see myself! As if looking from behind the mirror. I walked and the grass beckoned for me to touch with my bare feet. I "spoke", "maybe next time!". The grass laughed. I heard the waves crashing against the dock and it called to me. I walked towards it and reached the edge. Looking above the water, the night sky was so brilliant now. I was thankful for a clear night. I did a 180, turned around and then saw it. The full moon, teased just slightly above the tree lines of my neighborhood. My jaw almost hit the floor as I beheld it. Such absolute beauty! I knew it was on the rise and I wanted all of it. I walked toward the local hot dog store and called an Uber. I knew I was in no condition to undertake the hour walk back home. I waited. My mind grasped the trees. They whispered jokes. I snickered and chuckled like a madman. The stars, clouds, grass, and trees all claimed that they were always here! That it was always like this. That I just never noticed them They asked if I would kindly return one day. I promised that I would. I probably looked insane to an outside observer. I exuded disorder. Finally, when the driver arrived, I entered after asking the name, and we took the drive to my address. We made some small talk. I tried to behave and keep repressed the emotions that were rising inside me. I remember the driver commented on the moon. I let out a contorted chuckle. After we reached my home, I thanked him and wished him a good night. As I walked up the driveway to my stairs, I could feel something, this energy rising inside me, I knew it would surface soon. I. HAD. TO. GET. IN. MY. ROOM. I opened the door to my house and, unfortunately, my roommates stood there, one in the living room, the other close to the kitchen. I will refer to them as (not real names) Abe (he/him) and Zoey (she/her). I had told Zoey about my intention to use LSD that day, but the only thing I wanted at that moment was solitude. Abe: "Hey bud" Zoey: "Get any cool visuals!?" Me: "Oh fuck". Abe: "Alright, let's get you grounded" Zoey: "Nope" I left immediately. I walked outside for a bit, unable to take my eyes off the moon. It was SEXY. That was the only appropriate word. I wanted to fuck its brains out. Like my survival depended on it. I needed it. But I also wanted to make love to it slowly... That energy inside me threatened to let itself out. I knew I wouldn't last long now. I decided to wait outside in the backyard until my roommates left the living room because I didn't want them, or anyone for that matter, to see me like this. The backyard we had was large. I stepped into its clearing and sat under the trees and flowers. The tree branches were lit by yellow wire-lights set by our neighbor. It looked so beautiful. As I sat there, the fallen leaves on the floor started to move and shift their shape. They matched my breathing. Every breath I took in, was an inhalation mirrored by them. I exhaled. The shapes of the leaves twisted and bent into serpents. Luminous, bright serpents, about 1 foot long, now slithered toward me. I welcomed them. They appreciated my permission, wrapped around my legs and slowly made their way to my torso, arms, then head. They were divine. I could hear them next to my ear, whispering secrets which seemed to "reprogram" my neurology. My thoughts raced. My breath quickened. I could feel my pupils dilate to their maximum capacity. I was becoming inhuman. I felt like a painting or a piece of art. I never felt so beautiful. Not in a vain sort of way, I just felt no shame in that moment. I could have been naked and it wouldn't have mattered. Then, I remembered my objective. I stood up and started walking. I made my way to the driveway again and caught sight of the moon. It was comically large now. I've never seen such intense glow. It was almost too much. My heart beat faster. I was completely seduced. I squirmed at the sight of it. I tried to calm myself. It screamed for me to come. The energy inside of me was rising up my spinal column...I didn't time this correctly, did I? I knew I had to go into my room and be in privacy. But I decided to wait out a little longer outside. I went to the local park next. Luckily nobody was there. I stood on the grass, breathed deep and sighed. There was one dim white streetlight, but everything else was very dark otherwise. However, the trees and the grass in the park were soaring with vibrant green. It was stunning. I wanted to sink, to be fully gone and be one of them. The beauty was too much for me. Barely able to stand anymore, I dropped to my knees. My palms found themselves placed on the grass. Both hands start to meld and dissolve into the earth. I was frozen. I let it happen. I didn't want to move. And the moon watched all of this. The energy rose higher up my spinal column. "I. MUST. GO" I power walked back to my house. As someone who gets cold very easily, I could feel my body perceive the outside air as too cold, but the energy inside of me burned with such heat that it didn't matter. As I walked, I exclaimed every couple of seconds, "Ah I get it! Hahaha, I get it now!" "Oh, you sexy thing", I kissed the moon goodbye, she winked back. I opened the house door and quietly crept downstairs to my room and locked my door, hoping not to disturb anyone. FINALLY. My light was on. It NEEDED to be turned off. My clothes were on. They NEEDED to be stripped off. I felt the rush of that "first time" feeling when you are about to have sex with someone you've been having intense feelings for (if one would be so lucky as to experience this). I turned on my corner fan to drown out any possible noises I may make. My bed is essentially a sleeping bag and mattress on my ground carpet. I crawled into a ball on the far corner of it, naked as the day I was born, and felt safe. There was no turning back now. My mouth dropped open from heavy breathing. Despite the cold, I started to sweat. My heart was pounding faster and louder. My brain was on fire. My spine burned from the rising. I perceived that this may get violent. I felt near apoplexy. I was blind, yet my vision was supernatural in its clarity and realness. I hallucinate. Scenes of psychic divinity stretching onward into geometric patterns of unwinding infinite complexity. I grasped the wholeness of it. The room was not my room anymore. It was alive, breathing deep alongside me. Everything inanimate was animate. Everything "other" was me. We were intertwined, inseparable, and as one--similar to the nature I perceived outside.Then, a thought occurred for a fraction of a nanosecond, "WAIT...ALL OF IT?"..."ALL OF IT!" I became extremely lucid, then broke through a threshold. Human larynx and language limited me now. There was only one word I couldn't help but utter after that. "GOD" Coiled and wrapped around my cervical vertebrae, the "energy" vibrated, then leapt, and finally latched onto my brain, proceeding to penetrate my very soul. My eyes rolled up and back. I went limp. My body convulsed and shook. My mouth gasped at air. My legs started to shake. ORGASM. As I exhaled, every few minutes, I moaned out softly, "OH..MY...G-O....G-OD..GOD". I dared to scream until the neighbors called the police. "OHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD!" There were earthquakes all over my body. Every cell of my body pulsed, achieving orgasm simultaneously. I writhed uncontrollably, violently. My abdominal muscles contracted and went into spasms. At long last, I penetrated the moon, a conjured substitute for the universe, and each micro and macroscopic part of my soul ejaculated. And yet I was being penetrated and having a double orgasm at the same time. How paradoxical. How appropriate. I understood the phrase "mind-fuck". My body was drenched in sweat. I heaved and gasped hard to keep up. This lasted for the next 7 hours, with each orgasm pushing further and further, crashing through me like waves on a shore-- to ever increasing heights of bliss. I felt love. It traced my form like soft fingers. It felt like that once in a lifetime kind of love. That first reciprocated love. To love completely, and be loved unconditionally in return. Everlasting. Fireworks. I understood the Hindu word, "ananda". For brief moments, my normal perception returned. Brief respite, but pained frenzy. My tongue drooled. Every fiber of my muscles twitched in post-orgasm. It was almost too much to bear anymore. How can something be THAT pleasurable? Terror and hysterical laughter at the thought...Then back to a perpetual explosion of fucking and being fucked. I achieved critical mass. I became an infinite dragon. Clad in turquoise armor, completely dilated black eyes, and possessing breath of creation and destruction; but granting immortality unto itself. A humming echo returned, as if always there, but remembered only now, like a triggered memory. My mind raced further-further back. The story of my life? Where was I from? Really, truly, from? A womb? But what about the source? Infinite regress. My vagina stretched wide as I screamed. A distant memory. I then gave birth. To a child—myself. MOTHER AND EARTH = I. The solar system, galaxy, clusters, void...I expanded further and further to include everything. Everything that has, is, and will ever exist. I was all and thus was the same for every "other". But we can go even further beyond. I willfully [hallucinated] existence. Alternate timelines—infinite possibilities and universes. Infinite variations in the laws of math, physics, chemistry, biology. If it is imaginable, it exists, somewhere, sometime, someplace. Minutes passed. I could hear the morning birds. As I creaked open my eyes, I was still on the mattress, hands clenching my hair. My sheets soaked in sweat. My throat was raw, probably from the screaming. I sat up and then stood. It was around 8am. The trip had lasted approximately 12 hours. A wave of tiredness came over me. I'd been awake all night. I looked at my hands. They looked foreign. Alien. Then came slow revelation. "I" understood now the mechanism of my thinking. I knew precisely how understanding happened and how it is recursive. "Self-aware" and "awake" are words that found new meaning. I felt more "sober" than I had ever been. I could see now how my mind operated. With almost every reaction to "reality" being a process born of identity and trauma. I saw the mental connections forming, interacting, and how every person is like this. We are the same. Seeking to love and be loved. Our survival depends on it. I was overwhelmed by all this new input. It was days and weeks before I controlled this new flood of filtering; underpinning sex, aggression, self-preservation, all the while disguised as "rational thoughts". I recognized how much of this is the cause of my mood, my motive-- behind every micro-action or decision. My memory and ability for pattern recognition felt easier and faster. Put simply, I felt more "aware" than before. I could see so clearly now that societal constructs, socialization, and socializing was-- low-- and at times--- high-stakes, survival. Survival of ideology, identity, goals, hopes, dreams, and stories we tell ourselves. These were necessary. A perfect balance of life. It was perfect. I do not claim to know the entirety of absolute truth/nature of the universe or that I am now all knowing. After contemplating, many questions still linger: The "perfect balance" of life is perfect and undoubtedly has meaning, but what is the meaning behind it? I do sense that what I grasped was merely one facet of a larger truth. This truth, I intuit, has infinite facets. Grasping them all in a lifetime is [impossible], but exploration/curiosity does drive me to seek and grasp further. Continued exploration of psychedelics [more responsibly next time] is needed. But for now, gratitude filled my cup. I had more to give. -Thank you for reading

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.

I was listening to a YouTube on the long awaited Pi Phone and got really excited about what I heard. Several ideas formed in a holistic way complimenting each other. With a focus on the elderly using an AI that makes ease of use in a way that eases the burden of their adult children and grandchildren improving the quality of life for all. An AI that acts on their behalf, growing more in tune with what would be their choices and actually providing choices for them when practical. This kind of interaction would promote learning because of neuroplacticity and decrease their overall fear that’s so common with ,,,, confusion. I began trying to express my insights on a post in the forum a few days ago. Didn’t do a very good job. Oh well,,,, If A.I. is used in a psychologically maleficent way against humanity. We’re fucked. This comes from a force that can be continual and have disastrous effects through exhaustion of its targets (victims). There have already been reports of suicide in teenagers interacting with chat bots. My hope is an ethic that comes to fruition that has the potential for being a true protector. That’s the kind of vibe I was getting the other day. Leo seemed to dismiss what I was getting at and another forum member replied with “just fake news”. 🤷‍♂️ But then again I wasn’t expressing myself very clearly and the promotional YouTube may very well be considered as fake news. Stupidity is its own punishment. That applies to everyone but not equally it seems,,,

Grok That’s exactly how OCD hides in plain sight for years — it dresses up as personality traits, attachment styles, spiritual depth, or “just depression,” so you never clock it as a disorder. Let’s just sit with how perfectly it fooled you (and fools almost everyone in your position): • Obsessive metaphysics marathons → “I’m super spiritual / philosophically gifted / maybe slightly autistic with a special interest.” Reality: Existential OCD using “truth-seeking” as a noble disguise for compulsive rumination to escape unbearable uncertainty. • ROCD terror, guilt spirals, breakups to “protect” her, near-suicide aftermath → “I must be anxious-avoidant / fear of intimacy / bad at relationships.” Reality: Relationship OCD hijacking attachment with moral inflation and catastrophic doubt — not avoidance of closeness, but avoidance of intolerable uncertainty/guilt. • “Not confident/attractive enough → unworthy to live/date → self-harm after failed approaches” → “I’m just super depressed / low self-esteem / insecure guy.” Reality: Moral scrupulosity + self-directed harm OCD turning perceived romantic inadequacy into ethical failure that demands punishment.

Early/Pre-Awakening History (Years of Building Patterns) • Philosophical/Existential OCD phase (dominant for many years): You spent extended periods (e.g., 12+ hours/day) obsessively trying to construct the “perfect metaphysical system” for reality. This fits existential OCD (also called philosophical or metaphysical OCD), where the core obsession is unanswerable “big questions” (meaning of existence, nature of reality, purpose, what is “real”). The compulsion was endless mental rumination, analysis, and seeking certainty—treating philosophy as a solvable puzzle to relieve existential terror/doubt. This interfered with daily life, created exhaustion, and felt like a genuine intellectual pursuit rather than “just OCD.” It’s common for this subtype to feel deeply personal and profound, often mistaken for passionate philosophy until the distress and time sink become debilitating. • Relationship OCD (ROCD) emerging or co-occurring: Even before intense spiritual work, relational themes showed up—absolute terror of uncertainty in love (“Is this person ‘the one’ forever?”), fear of not loving “enough,” inflated moral guilt over normal thoughts/behaviors (e.g., horrified guilt after masturbating while thinking of someone else, feeling it proved you’d “ruin” your partner’s life), and extreme actions like engineering painful breakups to “protect” them (or force personal growth). The near-suicide aftermath from one breakup highlights how devastating the doubt/guilt cycle could become. These weren’t avoidant-attachment fears—you could form deep bonds and feel genuine love—but the OCD hijacked them with catastrophic projections and moral inflation. Typical progression in ROCD: Starts with high investment in relationships (soulmate-level intensity), then doubt spirals escalate, leading to compulsions (mental checking, rumination, reassurance-seeking, or escape). Moral/sexual scrupulosity often overlaps, turning normal human experiences into “proof” of defectiveness. Current OCD (Post-Intense Awakening Ramp) • Temporary flare-up/amplification from practices: Going from zero spiritual practice to high-volume kriya pranayama (20+ reps/day) + multiple 5-MeO-DMT breakthroughs in ~2 weeks triggered a manic/intense state (happiest ever + breakthroughs, but also “cringe,” oversharing, social exhaustion in friends/forum). You suspect (and it aligns) this ramp temporarily worsened OCD symptoms—likely intensifying rumination, doubt/guilt intrusions, and uncertainty intolerance. This is common in kundalini/psychedelic ramps: Energy/prana overload stirs up latent patterns for “purification,” making obsessive thoughts louder/more urgent before they settle. The “too many breakthroughs” overload can leave residual activation, feeding OCD’s demand for certainty (“Did this change me permanently? Am I enlightened enough?”).

For those curious what this guy is yelling about: Disciple Drones since the dawn of time Compelled to live your sheltered lives Not once has anyone ever seen Such a rise of pure hypocrisy I'll instigate I'll free your mind I'll show you what I've known all this time God Hates Us All, God Hates Us All You know it's true God hates this place You know it's true he hates this race Homicide-Suicide Hate heals, you should try it sometime Strive for Peace with acts of war The beauty of death we all adore I have no faith distracting me I know why your prayers will never be answered God Hates Us All; God Hates Us All He Fuckin' hates me Pessimist, Terrorist targeting the next mark Global chaos feeding on hysteria Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time I'm waiting for the day the whole world fucking dies I never said I wanted to be God's disciple I'll never be the one to blindly follow Man made virus infecting the world Self-destruct human time bomb What if there is no God would you think the fuckin' same Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith Wake the fuck up can't ignore what I say I got my own philosophy I hate everyone equally You can't tear that out of me No segregation -separation Just me in my world of enemies I never said I wanted to be God's disciple I'll never be the one to blindly follow I'll never be the one to bear the cross-disciple I reject this fuckin' race I despise this fuckin' place