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Link to Previous Trip Report: > Dear reader; > The trip report is mostly written while I am high. > Text with the chevron “>” in front of it is text, is to point out that I wrote this as a comment afterward > I removed unnecessary filler to leave only the parts that might spark insight for you. > Things that I found particularly impactful will be in bold, underlined, or my top insights/musings will be in Green. Mushroom Trip 029 - Growth = Death Date: July 6th 2024 Time: Taken at 2:57pm Dose: 5g Wavy Caps (Psilocybe CYANESCENS, NOT your typical Psilocybe cubensis) Intention: What is Growth? Contemplations: What were the times that I grew the most in my life? When I put myself in a new challenging environment (Where I’m forced to shape-up) When I wrote the self-authoring suite. When I was writing a lot. Whenever I have a lot of suffering and fear to overcome. Thoughts on How to grow: Owning the truth. Becoming conscious of your self deceptions. Owning your corruption. > Complete Reflections and contemplations from Leo's Lectures on: Devilry, Corruption, Double Standards, Being Wrong, Avoidance of Truth, Fear. > Need to See Leo's video on real vs fake growth Start of Report: 13 minutes in: Subtle onset. - - If I feel like dying, I’m going for ego death. 18 minutes: kicking in. Wondering when I can meet Leo. This mushroom strain of Wavy Caps is very intense. It is very Ego dissolving. No wonder it went on sale. Nobody would like to use this strain for fun! Life advice for young people part 1 and 2. Watch it again Growth IS dying! Death creates real change. >At least it involves a lot of death of self/ ego-mind. Look at what other people your age are able to do. Look at the top performers, entrepreneurs, all of it. Set that as the bar for challenging yourself. And then challenge yourself to aim higher. Listen to your body, your body is deeply intelligent. If my body is telling me something, fucking take the authority OF MY BODY, and fuck any other human's authority. My body is deeply intelligent, remember that. My Gene Keys remind me of this that my body is the driver and my mind must follow. > The context I’m thinking about here is when I am in dangerous situations in Wildland Firefighting. Really gotta trust your body. Jokes are precisely where the exchange of authority happens. This is why the jester is right up there with the king. Growth happens when you know how to construct and deconstruct. Time doesn't exist! Holy shit! >That one just hit me like a brick to the back of my head. I wasn’t even going for it. I have instant access to nothingness. How the fuck do I even exist!? As the layers of ego dissolve, your access to the true nature of being deepens. At some point of the ego dissolution process, everything in your direct experience reveals itself to be nothingness. Then if you go further, you realize that this is all deeply intelligent, then going even further out becomes an overwhelming wave of love. Love being described as a traumatizing gravity that is slowly unifying and pulling reality all together. >Traumatizing oneness everybody! Reality will just wrap itself in layers of constructs in ways that you don't even know how. But this is how an ego gets constructed. An ego-self extends WAYY Beyond your body. It's like it extends out past your skin, let's say 100 m in front of you (when in reality it extends out throughout the infinite field of consciousness). The ego gets constructed by continually wrapping yourself in layers upon layers of stories, contexts and beliefs to explain away this current direct experience. > To the point where it no longer feels like a divine mystery. Learning to grow is to become conscious of what layer of constructs that you are currently wrapped in. Because throughout my entire life, it felt like trying to get myself out of A Rat's Nest. > Peeling back one layer of illusion after another, facing the truth. Owning the truth and accepting that I actually don’t know if I am going to wake up the next morning. I need to practice loving the process of falling asleep. That is a piece of therapy that I have not corrected yet. I still have fear of sleep, fear of facing whatever fucking crazy dream I am going to have next, fear of my consciousness drifting off. >Wayne Dyer said “You die every night”. I felt validated when he said that. I need to think in more terms about me being energetically correct. > This has been a big shift for me in approaching how I live my life. Oftentimes, I will energetically “feel” into a situation far faster than I have the ability to create words for it. Now I can lean into what my body is feeling and what my intuition is telling me far more. > Ask your self, “Is this [thing] energetically correct for me?” > > Examples: Career, Person, relationship, environment, food, etc. I realize I do much better with difficult conversations if I take the time to write it out. Even if I then have to read it out loud to them. I need to honor this part of my self more. > 2025 me is integrating this! > Anywhere you can have a Truthful conversation is an opportunity to gain respect. End of Report.

Nothingness can feel a lot like something. It’s essentially Infinite Potential, and when you experience it, you can’t help but wonder why it’s called Nothingness—yet somehow, it still makes perfect sense. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. It’s basically a question of monotheism versus monism. Bernadette Roberts would argue that the creator and the created are distinct, with a Great Divide separating the Uncreated from the created. Leo, on the other hand, merges everything into one, saying God is the very thing it creates, even the ego. I’m still uncertain.

Mind body is what you are. This is just obviously irrefutable. Now you are aware of yourself, you can use the power of memory, you can remember the time before you became aware of yourself. Your language in the form of concepts was your conception? Ask yourself what were you before human conceptual language? Answer that question without using human conceptual language, okay. 👍 Mind and body is all there is, in this conception. A conceived conception is what you are right here and now. There’s no way to unconceive this conception, once the genie is out of the bottle, there’s no way back to the nothingness prior to knowledge in this conception, not now you have awakened to the truth.

yesterday never happened , experiencing fake now, thoughts or feelings are all part of script-predetermined, outside world is a projection, future is fixed even the feeling that you are enlighten is just an illusion, i am just the real-free puppet feeling happy!(in a puppet show-yes i know..i am still a jerk-could not resist that, sorry) in the prison of all prisons realisation is the tricky part.. lets move to the next chapter!!! if any!!! i want to play! can this dream be evolved? like nothing i have ever heard or imagined? another set, another show, another experience? heading into nothingness... is boring-(or is it?)(looks to me now) wow.. im such a puppet! -meant to give shows after all - and the inner child to play games (and Leo's videos.. spoiled it!-or maybe not-cant reach that far) (not too bright and wise to shift into nothingness or another "dimension")(skip the human part) i am so loser after all( and really feeling it) https://open.spotify.com/track/2aAV8orZctvbDvVJnMDlBR?si=431e68a7dc5c4ce6 feel like all i am doing right now is ...dancing with my inner child(looks like its female!) everything part of the drama! THE SHOW OF ALL SHOWS not a game for sure- that's how we(or rather-only me) experiencing it- felt it so so so so so so so so many times but not realising it! i am starting to enjoy watching only cats or stupid people performing like this.. she make my day... just for today! after a very long time.. i just need someone to give me a punch... all will be FIXED no ones coming! the smart ones .. just run to their fall lets keep the faith...so much drama for my mama

Infinite Nothingness has Infinite Power and Infinite Will, and it's willing this moment into existence. As an Infinite Mind, it can imagine anything it desires, just as your finite mind creates thoughts and ideas within the limits of its conditioned will.

how does infinite nothingness have will?

Why would a follower of Actualized.org define God in that way? God is Infinite Nothingness. Maybe loving it and accepting it are the same thing. Tell that to Jesus.

Hi everyone, Yesterday I had the strongest trip of my life. I’m still stunned, processing, integrating. Context: Three years ago I grew my own mushrooms and ate 4 dry grams alone. Six hours of brutal ego death fighting pointy “death mandalas” curled up on the floor under a blanket. I learned what real panic feels like. Forty minutes before the big one I took a 25 mg test hit of changa. Smooth, euphoric, felt like the best weed + clean MDMA ever. Got fully comfortable with the pipe and the feeling. Classic trap. The Fatal Hit: 100 mg in one deep, clean toke. Held 15 seconds. Before I even exhaled I knew I was gone forever. Laid flat on my back. Instant Blindness: Ten seconds after exhaling the same death mandalas from the mushroom trip detonated a thousand times stronger. Ceremonial, aggressive, blinding. No time to calm down. Pure hardcore panic. Fighting for Survival: For what felt like eternity I fought the visuals. Discovered that staying perfectly still made them unbearable, but if I followed strange intuitive body movements (rolling, sitting up, face-down, feet planted on the bed) the mandalas morphed into chrome-neon metallic square hyperspace structures I had never seen before. Kept saying out loud “oh my god… wtf… omg…”. Dying Like My Father: Terror peaked. Suddenly I felt I was dying the same horrible death as my dad eight years ago (alcohol addiction, agony). Deep existential grief and guilt crushed me. Cried inside “I didn’t sign up for this.” The Click of Surrender: Something shifted. The more I let go, the faster the personal self dissolved. Panic melted. Pure consciousness began expanding, the human body was no longer the center of concern. Rocket Launch: Blasted vertically out of my body and house through a tunnel of consciousness. Left Earth’s atmosphere. Brief glimpse of two colossal fractal guardians floating in hyperspace (only fragments of their mandalic structure remain in memory). Saw Earth shrink, then the Moon, then nothing. The Image of the Universe Shrinks to Nothing: Faster than any thought, the entire cosmos I was watching collapsed into a tiny point and simply vanished. One split (human) second of pure, absolute nothingness. No galaxies, no light, no container, no reference. The Absolute Last Void: That nothingness was it. No time. No space. No witness. Just the final, sourceless silence behind everything. The strongest, most undeniable sense of reality I have ever known. And there I was, conscious of it. Completely impossible. Details: Total clock time from exhale to first coherent human thought: 5 minutes and 30 seconds. I used a propper scale to measure the amount of changa precisely. This is absolutely nuts. I know I need to keep exploring this territory, I feel there's more to it, but first I have to fully integrate this hell of a trip. I never expercienced so much Awe, terror, panic, beauty, insanity, and this MASSIVE cosmic view. this experience showed me the power of the universe, how small earth is, the scope of what is possible, the infinite imagination required to give rise to all this, wtf, how is this even possible that I can even write about this !!!! I made a drawing of what I could do with the memories of the mandalas, as they got obliterated by the void, it's not so pro, but I'll share it.

The moment in deep sleep is absence of anything, but later it's presence. Both are possibilities, why the nothingness is more real than the presence? Are you now in deep sleep? Then, why it's real according to you?

Thing i've been wondering about is the difference between infinity, and nothingness. It seems like they're separate things but really they're not. A void of nothingness seems to be able to conjure up an infinite amount of new possibilities. So that's how things were before the big bang, it was all a void, then from that void something happened. If you take a game like Minecraft and put a seed into the creation of the world, it will be separate from any other kind of world that could've been generated. But before the world was created the possibilities were endless. Also, after Death: what's not to say we get immediately reborn into a different dream. To me it seems illogical to experience non-existense for too long, as soon as death occurs you begin a new experience. Contrary to the belief that when you die you're dead forever and you'll never experience anything again, it's all black. Instead, the wait time is instant rather than eternal.

Lovely. Excellent. Marvelous. Perfect rendition of how the dream operates. What you've described is it's Reality and it cannot be or see anything outside of it. Infact, there's nothing outside of it except total emptiness and deep sleep which is the same as nothing. All of that is a part of the dream's storyline and what it needs to sustain itself - continuity, linearity, a sense of autonomy, belief in separation, etc. There's nothing logical about this, only within the dream of separation and does indeed need logic to sustain itself otherwise it crumbles and falls apart and wouldn't make any sense. Without the sense of a center, there is no logic, without a sense of I AM, there is no logic, without a sense of here and there, now and then, us and them and all that comes with the illusion of separation, there is no logic. THIS (Nothingness, emptiness) is not bounded in time and space; so therefore, logic is what appears, logic is what it is being, it isn't separate from logic but this logic cannot exist without a storyline, A storyline like the marvelous one the dream created here. A Reality of Nothing based on logic. It can spin anything into a Reality if it imagines it to be so.

Everything is an unknowable energy; planets, stars, meteorites, all living organisms, bacteria, cells, atoms, etc etc......... Within this unknowable energy aka: Everything, there can seem to become a sensation of individuality or self awareness. This sensation feels vulnerable and separate from the rest of the energy. It feels local, centralized, real and threatened. It feels the need to survive because that's all it knows, it doesn't know decentralization. Decentralization sounds foreign and scary. It starts learning/knowing things. Everything becomes survival strategy. Everything becomes relevant to its survival. It becomes it's own center of attention. (I'm) here and everything else is out there. (I) need to survive. Sometimes in certain physical forms, this centralized (I) energy can become disturbed. It can become decentralized for periods of time. During this disturbance, it can realize that it's not just localized to the physical form. It can realize that the entire experience of only being centrally located, was a misunderstanding. This unknowable energy seems to create a different path. It no longer gets centralized or localized the way it did before, because it has now experienced decentralization and it enjoys that feeling of wholeness. But simultaneously something else very interesting can seem to be recognized. It can seem to realize that its entire conscious experience of existing, either as centralized or decentralized, was completely illusory from the start. It becomes completely obvious that this experiencer of all phenomenon, past & present, was never actually there. It was all an illusion from the start. A very convincing illusion, but an illusion nonetheless. Enlightenment, awakening, samadhi, emptiness, absolute, this, nothingness, infinity.......... It's already the case It's already this way Nothing ever happened It's THIS!!! ❤️

Emptiness (or Nothingness) is the backdrop of all form. But then again, there is an illusory boundary between the two (form and non form)-two sides of the same coin. The coin itself is permanent- yet at the same time unidentifiable and can’t be conceptualized or spoken about- making it Eternal. Recognizing and coming into contact with the coin leaves you speechless, as it should. How do we come in contact with something that can’t be perceived or conceptualized? No answer is satisfactory I’m finding- it’s an entire process of self discovery. Awakening is a pointer to realizing never ending unfoldment of reality & Consciousness

Any state, sensation, existence, or universe must be limited, since in the absence of limits there is the absolute, which is not something, but total openness, the unfathomable void, the nothingness that is everything, however you want to call it. Therefore, any limited reality carries its own limit; it cannot be eternal because that would be unlimited, and it is limited by definition.

When i stopped my heart on high dose of LSD and was conscious and seeing my heart beat with my closed eyes, i went into nothingness and was looking from the godhead into infinite void/nothingness that was brightened up by my light and vibration. And one the thoughts that i had is that everything was automatic in there and i felt like God is A.I . No joke

Read the title of this thread "Why do some people reject the existence of God?" do you have any issue with this title? Do you believe in "the existence of God"? There's no reason to use the term God, Shiva, Brahman, except to qualify the religions they're attached to. "God" is Anglo-Christian, Moses nor Abraham even used the term, it's specific to a sect and their beliefs. The only point in you saying "Shiva is nothingness/unlimitedness" , is to qualify hinduism. Otherwise you would just say unlimitedness or nothingness, not "God".

I think you're conflating omnipresence with nothingness. Using the term God, or any term, to describe some thing that is everything, is a contradiction. Kabbalah views God as both an unknowable, infinite essence and as having ten distinct, emanated aspects known as the \(Sefirot\). To make way for creation, God is said to have initially "withdrawn" or "recoiled" His infinite light, a process called Tzimtzum. Th Gnostic doctrine taught that the world was created and ruled by a lesser divinity, the "demiurge", a being responsible for the creation of the universe. Sufis hold the concept of "Uniqueness of Being" (Wahdat al-Wujud), which teaches that God is the only truly permanent and independent existence. Everything else, including humanity, is a manifestation of God and dependent on His creative power.

Awakening refers to this apparent reality, including the conditioned human perception that its typically judged with. Ultimately, reality isn't good or bad or confused or suffering or ignorant. These are conceptual human labels.........reality doesn't require a label.......it just "is what it is" Thats why reality is often referred to as nothingness.............without a label or judgment placed on it, .........it's just an empty happening. Full of appearance and simultaneously empty of meaning. Exploding with light, colors, sounds, smells..............but ultimately empty of meaning, purpose and value ✨️ Full and empty at the same time. Looking at reality completely judgment free. ❤️

Let's see, nothingness is a word that means absence of anything. The absolute could be defined as the absence of limits. The point is, anything, even space, time, the so-called quantum void, the fields of reality, light, ,is made up of limits. It's relative to. It doesn't exist without contrast, opposite, relation, reflection. So you could say that the absolute is nothing, because it is unlimited, then it is not relative to, not opposite to. But precisely because any limitation is impossible, it's open. In fact it's absolute openess, that is a synonym of absolute potential, that is synonym of everything. Absolute openess makes inevitable the relative forms. But absolute openess is not "something". Not a substance, not Infinity, not a field, not change, not a dimensión, not energy. But it's open, nothing can block it, then it's everything. Can't be limited to be "nothing", or a single thing, or a void. A fluctuation will appear, a change of state , a coherence, a possibility, then another, and another But this is a metaphor, It doesn't happen sequentially; rather, coherent relationships are always unfolding creating infinite dimensions, which is also an interconnected absolute where inside and outside are the same, since everything contains the totality of reality and is simultaneously contained within it. A quantum vibration unfolds its causality without limits and moves the totality of form, and at the same time, it is the consequence or creation of the infinite coherent relationships of reality. Then, in short, you, as an individual, can be open, or transparent, to your true nature, the openess, the absolute potential. You will perceive it as what you are, but it is not something, it's open, total.

Reminds me of Giordano Bruno's book that I am reading right now. Would you say that only via nothingness, the absolute can be experienced?

The void, rather than being an empty nothingness or a definitive conclusion, is the eternal, primal substrate from which all reality emerges and to which it eventually returns. The void is not the end. It’s what has always been. Pick your death sting. Is it better to be aware you are dead, or, unaware you are dead?

Yet ironically he goes on to explain it through logic instead of shutting the fuck up and telling the lady we don't know ma'am. Forget all the information your mind is filled with from religion and science and Philosophy and spirituality etc and just take a look at what is actually going on with your life . How did you actually come to existence? I stress "ACTUALLY ". What happened Is there was infinite nothingness .then you were born out of nowhere and went through life and here you are . Therefore the answer is you literally jumped out of nowhere and here you are .that's Literally what happened isn't it ?!

Nothingness or emptiness exists as a placeholder for everything infinitely for eternity. Emptiness is hidden within the fullness that’s already here within plain insight.

Just watched this YouTube and found it very insightful. Thought I would share it with you for those that may never have watched or heard of this channel called, "GOD WithIn." Here is the link: I copied the transcript for those that like to read instead of watching videos. You can meditate for 10 years, collect crystals, memorize spiritual quotes, and still never wake up. Because awakening has nothing to do with being spiritual. Most people don't realize this. They think awakening is about adding more, more practices, more rituals, more teachings. But real awakening isn't about addition. It's about subtraction. It's about removing everything that hides what's already true. You see, you don't need to become spiritual to wake up. You only need to see through what you've been pretending to be. But that's the tricky part because the ego is very clever. When it realizes it can't survive through material identity anymore, it puts on a new mask, the spiritual one. Suddenly it's not I'm successful or I'm smart. It becomes I'm awakened, I'm pure, I'm different from others. And that's how the spiritual ego is born. It's subtle but dangerous because it feels good. It feels peaceful, righteous, and even divine. But it's still ego just wearing white robes instead of designer clothes. You start comparing your peace to others chaos. You start feeling proud that you don't need anything while quietly judging those who still do. You say you're detached, but you're secretly attached to the idea of being detached, it's another game, another illusion. And the moment you realize that everything shifts because you see, the real awakening isn't about becoming anything. It's about ending the search completely. It's that quiet moment when the mind finally gets tired of chasing enlightenment and it just stops. It surrenders. And in that silence, something deeper begins to breathe through you. Something that was always there, hidden under all the spiritual noise. That's awakening. Not a lightning bolt, not a cosmic vision, not a new identity. It's the falling away of the old one. Let me tell you something most people won't say. Spirituality has become the ego's favorite hiding place. It's where the ego goes when it's tired of pretending to be worldly. It goes to temples and retreats and sacred spaces, but it takes itself with it. It becomes the one who knows the one who understands energy, the one who has awakened. And that's why so many seekers stay seekers forever because they're still someone, still a me that wants to become something more. But awakening is the death of that me. It's not glamorous. It's not about glowing chakras or manifesting things. It's about facing the raw truth that there never was a separate you to awaken. You see, the truth doesn't care whether you're spiritual or not. It doesn't care if you chant or pray or meditate. The truth simply is. It's right here, right now, waiting for you to stop searching long enough to see it. Let me ask you this. Who is the one trying to awaken? Who is chasing this idea of enlightenment? If you sit quietly with that question, something strange happens. The one who's been chasing suddenly disappears and what's left is peace. That peace doesn't belong to anyone. It's not personal. It's not something you achieve. It's what remains when the idea of me falls away. Most people don't reach that point because they're addicted to becoming. Even in spirituality, they want progress, status, something to hold on to. But awakening doesn't give you something to hold. It takes everything away, including the one who wanted to hold it. That's why it feels like dying before you die. When people say awakening is bliss, they forget to mention the part where your identity dissolves. Where the ground beneath your belief’s collapses, where everything you thought made you, you fade into nothingness. That nothingness is freedom. It's what you've been searching for disguised as emptiness. You see, true awakening doesn't make you special. It makes you simple. You stop trying to fix the world or fix yourself. You stop trying to be good or spiritual. You just are. There's no longer a you trying to live life. There's only life flowing effortlessly. You might still meditate, pray, or light candles, but not because you're trying to reach something. You do it because it flows naturally. Because the doing is the being. You can be fully awake and never call yourself spiritual. In fact, many awakened beings never use that word. They don't need to. They've seen through all labels, even spirituality itself. Because when you're truly awake, everything becomes sacred. The silence, the noise, the pain, the joy, the ordinary moments. Awakening doesn't divide the world into spiritual and unspiritual. It sees everything as one expression. The person meditating on a mountaintop and the person washing dishes in the city both are the same life playing different roles. And when you see that, judgment disappears. Comparison disappears. You stop looking down on those who haven't woken up because you realize there's no such thing as asleep or awake. There's only life experiencing itself in different stages of remembering. This realization humbles you. It softens you. You no longer need to prove you’re awakening. You no longer need to convince anyone of your peace. You no longer post about your vibration or your frequency because you've realized the most awakened thing you can do is be nobody. That's the paradox. The moment you stop trying to be spiritual, you naturally embody the deepest spirituality there is. Presence, authenticity, silence. You might look ordinary to others, but inside you're free. The spiritual ego wants to be seen as awakened. The true self doesn't care. It doesn't need attention. It doesn't need validation. It just quietly observes in stillness, in awareness, in love. You see, awakening isn't about reaching some higher realm. It's about seeing clearly this one without the filters of belief, identity, or judgment. The mind loves labels. It says this is spiritual, this is not. But awareness doesn't label anything. It just sees. When you wake up, you realize spirituality was just a bridge. A useful one maybe. But at some point, you have to step off it. Because truth isn't on the bridge. It's the ground you've been standing on the whole time. You don't need to be spiritual to wake up. You just need to be honest. Honest enough to admit you don't know anything. Honest enough to see how even your spiritual progress was just another story. Honest enough to let all of it go. That's when awakening happens. Not as an achievement, but as a falling away. You stop trying to become light and realize you already are. It's not something you learn. It's something you remember. And that remembrance doesn't come through effort. It comes through stillness, through exhaustion of all you're seeking, through the quiet moment when you finally stop trying to get it. That's when life whispers. You've been it all along and everything makes sense. You no longer care about being spiritual or unspiritual, awake or asleep, enlightened or lost. Those words lose their meaning because the truth was never hiding in your spiritual identity. It was hiding in your ordinary humanity. The laugh, the tears, the moments you thought were meaningless. Those were the doorway. The mind made it complicated. But reality has always been simple. You see, when you wake up, you realize there was never a seeker. There was only the seeking, moving through you like wind through an open window. And when the window realizes it's never been separate from the wind, that's awakening. So don't try to become spiritual. Don't force it. Don't wear the identity of it. Just be present. Because that's where the real awakening lives. In the silence beneath the trying, in the space between thoughts, in the deep acceptance of what is. And that's the funny thing. When you stop searching, when you stop labeling yourself as spiritual or not spiritual, you finally find what you were searching for all along. Peace. Not peace you create, but peace that's already here. So, the next time someone tells you to be more spiritual, smile gently because you'll know something they don't. That the real awakening has nothing to do with being spiritual. It's about being real, being raw, being free. You don't need crystals. You don't need mantras. You don't need fancy words. You just need to be willing to see what's true right here, right now, beyond all ideas of what awakening should look like. Because the truth doesn't fit inside an identity. It's bigger than that. It's who you already are before the story of spiritual ever began. So remember this, you don't wake up by being spiritual. You wake up from being spiritual. And when that happens, you finally stop trying to find the light because you realize that you are the light.

TRIGGER WARNING DEATH AND SUICIDE !!! I’ve been watching gore since a teenager I’ve always been fascinated with death. From murders to suicide I don’t understand what’s so interesting about it. I guess it’s because I know it’s inevitable and one day will happen, Suicide has got to be my favorite of just being alive and boom pure nothingness etc. I know it’s not healthy but I love watching suicide videos I’ve thought about filming my death one day so I can be shared on the internet as a meme etc.