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So I was suffering due to lack of girlfriend in my life . A senior told me that you will never get a girlfriend to which I replied that so I must commit suicide. Senior told that go and commit suicide as there is no meaning for existence of a boy like you and you are a disturbing element to girls. Also when I shared this with my friends that I am suffering they scolded me and told that others have their dating life and career handled and you are not like that . And also as I mentioned that I was kicked out of campus that senior told me that that girl abuses me and literally hates me . They also adviced me to not to watch the video of bald headed person - Actualized.org . They also told me that that is western culture and it is India those things won't work here . I am feeling very bad .

Be careful what you wish for. My dad commited suicide and in return I will very likely inherit a 5 bedroom flat in London. It would be helpful if you had a video on grief @Leo Gura I am much more okay then I should be. I don't know if this is because I love my life and am excited for the future especially now as fucked as it sounds. Or if it's because of how I view death, free will and not resisting what is. Maybe it's because I am Loki financially free . Maybe it's because I am actually numb or because I've released all of the emotion of it over the last week. Or maybe it's because I highly value my mental health and I use mindfulness to recognize thought patterns that would cause me pain so I change them. Maybe I just wasn't that attached and close to my dad. Some other thoughts outside my own mind would be nice especially from someone who could relate.

This world is in a really sad state. Natural disasters, climate change, destroyed ecosystems, crime, mass suicide and corruption. Some believe the world can be redreamed into something entirely new once god decides to finally awaken. Do you think heaven on earth is coming and that the world will be redreamed with the return of god or the second coming of Christ which is the realization of Christ consciousness.

Introduction I'm gonna start by exploring that title. I literally just came up with it on the spot but I think it captures the essence of this journal. In a way I've given my life away, and now it's high time I take it back. I look at all the failures of my life and think that, yeah, I gave my life away to these things. I gave my life away to video games, to unhealthy food, to movies, TV shows, internet browsing, alcohol, coffee. Trying to make myself liked by people who will never like me and who I don't even like, hiding my emotions from others and even myself. Getting angry at others and arguing with them but only in my head, never for real, that would be insane. Never, ever, cleaning my room and then my own apartment. Not pursuing anything creative in my life and trying to improve the world in some meaningful way, in fact now I don't even know what I should be doing that would have any kind of meaning! At some point I was just straight up depressed, and attempted suicide. So I very much almost gave my life away completely. And ... I have not healed any of the trauma I've gone through my entire life. So it's over. It's time. I need to take back my life. Some of these things I've already fixed. I've not drunk alcohol for almost a year, I've had a total of maybe five espressos that I didn't finish since early 2020, I haven't played a video game in weeks, and more broadly, when I do play, it's only for maybe a couple hours on like a Sunday afternoon. And also I haven't been depressed for like eight years. I had one experience of very deep sadness that I did consider it depression recently, whereby I was introduced to a group a friends by someone else and they barely even acknowledged me, they just said hello and turned away and talked among themselves. It broke my heart, I'm crying again writing this. I've been exercising pretty heavily for the past few months and I've been going four times a week and for a long time (typically the total workout time actually exercising, including breaks between sets and exercises ofc, is 60 minutes), so I can absolutely say the habit is implanted. Buuuut that's about it. There are a lot of things I really want to improve in my life now that I just haven't been doing. Friday: The Party So alright let's get started, let's talk about some of the recent events of my life. Let's take this weekend as an example. Friday night, there was a big work party, loads of people came. I spent some time with people of my team, with people not of my team. Some people came from another office of the company, I spent some time with them and it was great to see them and hang out with them, they're awesome people. We danced, they drank (I didn't, though they're all hella annoying about this), had an awesome time overall. Took the train home at 5am, literally did the closing. In fact I wanted to go to a night club when I arrived in my home city, but they close at 5. I think I can confidently say I have fun at parties now. Like it's not that parties were never fun to me, but that, since I wasn't fun at parties, that would both ruin other people's experience at the party, and it would make ME not have fun because I was such an unfun person. That's not really the case any more, I don't think. There are still a lot of things to improve, I didn't approach a single person there even though I definitely really could or even should have, I didn't really have a lot of conversations with people and I struggled to come up with things to say. And that's typical for me at parties but, despite all that, I had fun! And that was a huge improvement. Someone from my team this morning annoyed me though, and I need to go on a rant. He told me "You really hyped yourself up even though you didn't drink alcohol". There are SEVERAL THINGS that really piss me off about this. Number 1) He said "hyped yourself up", this is translated from French, but I think, if he meant that I was fun to be around at the party, he wouldn't have used that exact phrasing. Of course, I have very little social skills and experience, so maybe that's what he meant but I don't know. Someone else used the exact same phrase WHILE AT THE PARTY and it didn't feel like they were complimenting me, it felt more condescending to me. And honestly they can fuck right off because THEY'RE not fun at parties either, but I don't go around telling them and other people they're not fun. And, honestly, they're the people I was talking about at the beginning of this post, people who will never like me and who I don't even like. Number 2) He said "without alcohol". BITCH! I have MORE FUN without alcohol! Alcohol makes my head spin, it makes me less socially calibrated, it makes me get drunk VERY VERY VEEERY quickly, it drains my energy, it makes me hungry as hell and then I feel sick with all the alcohol and unhealthy food in my system. This substance is just HOOOORRIBLE to me on SO MANY LEVELS! And I swear the number of people who shit on me so hard for not drinking really pisses me off. These people actually believe that everyone needs to drink alcohol to have fun and even to BE FUN TO BE AROUND. They keep asking me "why don't your drink?", they tell me "life is short and you should have fun while you still can, the clock is ticking", they tell other people "you can't just let me go to a night club with Emrie alone, he doesn't drink!". It is SOOOO ANNOYING to me! Like yeah maybe I'm not too fun to be around right now but I just need to practice it, work on it, have fun with it, and alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not to mention many of these people knew me when I was drinking and have spent time with me when I was drinking and absolutely know I'm not really fun even when I do drink There are a few more points I want to talk about in regards to the party. I realize I'm spending a lot of time on the party but actually my social life is my overarching, long term, and very difficult project of my life right now. I am literally talking about turning myself into the most sociable, most fun, just generally super-social person that I can be, so that the people who knew me when I was shit (my family, as an example) can look at me and say "wow you've really changed and you have much better social skills now". The first is that I completely busted the limiting belief I have that I need friends to go out. In January of this year I moved to a big city. I got a very sweet place that's deep into the city center. I mean literally the closest night club is a 5-minute walk from my place, then there are 5 more within 5 minutes. There's an area that's all commercial (read bars, clubs, and shops) that's just right there and it's just perfect. But, I haven't been going out and socializing because ... "I don't have any friends". I was telling myself "join a club, join a sports league, go take some X and Y classes, do things that interest you and meet people similar to you, and you'll make friends that way". And of course I was not doing that either because ... well you see McDonald's and reddit are more important. This is all bullshit, the bottom line is I need to bite the bullet and talk to strangers. Risk not being fun, risk running out of things to say, risk being kind of annoying to other people, risk being rejected or not even being acknowledged by other people (see the comment above about the group of friends that made me almost depressed). This will suck, but this is necessary. And I will feel sad on some days, I will likely cry. But I need to do it, it's worth it. And in fact it's becoming more and more non-negotiable that I do it because I can't keep putting it off and making excuses, it's leaving me in quagmire, doing nothing, and realistically making me regress. The second is that this is all so fucking foreign to me. I am SO SCARED. I've never kissed anyone. The most intimate touch I've had with another human being has been a hug, and it's, you know, familial love kind of hug, not romantic love kind of hug. I'm so touch-starved that when someone puts their arm around my neck and shoulders at a party, it just feels so freaking amazing to me, it is truly some of the best moments of my life. So the thought of even just someone else's lips touching mine is freaking me out so much, I am so incredibly scared of it, I don't know how my body will react to it. Is it going to feel amazing, am I going to have a panic attack because I'll just be so fucking nervous from it, am I just going to have a huge boner from it? Like this shit is so foreign to me, it's insane! And I know that I'm not just going to kiss the first person I approach, it'll take a lot of buildup to get to that and by that time I'll probably be much more comfortable with it all but... I'm almost 27 years old and the fact that all of this is something that I have NEVER EXPERIENCED IN ANY WAY is really fucking saddening to me. In fact, even disregarding the whole touch thing, the concept of me approaching a stranger and making conversation with them scares the shit out of me. Like I just have absolutely ZERO experience, I have no clue whatsoever how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to say, how I'm supposed to handle myself. Obviously I know this is generally pretty common sense stuff, you know, just talk to each other in some sort of coherent fashion, riff off of each other, try and make them laugh, tell them stories and shit, just very basic typical stuff, you know. But I have no experience so I have nothing in memory to draw from, and it fucking sucks.

My story: My spiritual journey began at the age of 20 when I had a 3 month episode of severe mental illness. Every moment was a struggle. I tried therapy and medication. In the brink of utter hopelessness I had a monumental epiphany which revealed the existence of the spiritual path, meditation, consciousness, and the hope for a better future. I spent the next 6 years on a spiritual mission. I became deeply engrossed in the spiritual process. Hours of meditation, solo retreats, psychedelics, classic personal development, etc. I was on a completely different plane of existence as everyone else and I was happy as ever. I was making rapid progress. I went to Costa Rica and met an enlightened shaman who told me I was one of 10,000 people who would awaken the world. Of course this fed my ego a bit but also gave me a sense of purpose to stay on the path. I never forgot the episode of mental illness I had that started this whole thing. I come from a family history of bipolar and clinical depression. I have no doubt that I have one these. But it seemed as though somehow I was funneling that vulnerability into massive spiritual progress. I would go through my mind and try to think of situations that could possibly trigger me back down and I couldn’t. I had multiple awakenings and deeply fulfilling experiences. I felt like I was living a blessed life. By the end of those 6 years I felt like I truly had detached from everything. But I was wrong. In the spring this year I received an offer for a dream job. Let me start off by saying that my career as an Engineer was never my passion. It has always been a means to an end. However, I learned to enjoy most aspects of it. I saw a job as a necessary minor evil that I had to work around just like everyone else. I was at peace with that. I got a rare offer for a stress free job with the DOT, one that would give me lots of flexibility, freedom, meeting new people, working from home, etc.. it was basically a stress free job that could allow me to focus more on other things and maintain a healthy balanced life. Concurrently, my current company was in the midst of placing me on a new project, another supposedly good opportunity. This one involved being able to work on my own. There was less flexibility and I couldn’t work from home, but I believed this would make me more disciplined. My intuition told me to go with the first opportunity even though I believed it might make me “lazy” or have less “spiritual progress.” I put in my 2 week and felt an excitement that put me on top of the world. I should have stuck with that intuition. But instead I quit the new job a week in and went back to my old job. I made a knee jerk reaction. I realized later that any new job, no matter how good it is, won’t be exactly how you imagine it to be, especially at first. I had made a mistake I couldn’t reverse. It took about two days before I became conscious of my mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then a continuous descent down a cliff. I became flooded with a hellish state of dread and regret. For weeks I fought moment after moment to be present. I kept telling myself that there was a reason for this pain, that in order to fulfill my destiny of awakening the world, I needed to get through this. During those times I had beautiful awakening experiences. But mostly it was hell. When it was time to go back to my old job, I continued to stay as present as possible. Fortunately, they didn’t have much for me to do at first, so I sat in my car and continued the fight. When it was time to do tasks I still stayed present. But life happened. Eventually I got emotionally crushed because it was impossible for me to simultaneously handle all the negative emotions and life itself. I started taking an anti depressant called Zoloft. It went against all my spiritual beliefs, but at that point nothing mattered. The medication takes about 3 weeks to start working. In the meantime I continued to cycle between extreme low and high consciousness states. It all pinnacled in multiple near suicide attempts. When my parents saw the rope burn around my neck they called my psychiatrist who ordered me to go to the hospital. There’s a lot I could say about my 3 weeks in a mental hospital. I’ll start with the cons. I had to eat garbage food. Institutional food. Little to know greens. Just what you’d expect. I had little to no outdoor time. Fifteen minutes a day inside a cage. That’s all I got. Now here’s the pros. There’s a lot of camaraderie. Everyone there is struggling through something and it really helps to have that sense of constant social connection. It’s like being back in college. There’s also doctors and therapists who come around and ask how your doing, which is nourishing. All in all, I think there’s a lot we can do to improve our mental hospitals. I think we could save a lot of people who would otherwise be crushed. There were people there with high potential if they were only supported properly. While I was in there they put me on another medication. It was an anti psychotic called Olanzapine. This drug is very powerful. It essentially rid me of my overwhelming negative emotions. My mind finally had a sense of control. I’m very grateful for it because it has probably saved my life. It’s also very humbling to admit I need these drugs, but I’ve come to realize what they are: tools. Some people say anti depressants and anti psychotics are like taking insulin. The difference is you can’t consciously control your insulin levels, but you can learn to consciously control your mind. Except when you can’t. Because maybe your mind is running way out of control. That’s when these meds can be of great value. With the help of the meds and the social connection, I left the hospital in a better place. I’ve come to realize where I’m at right now. I know that I have a lot of inner work to do before I can even think about go off the meds, doing psychedelics, retreats, fasting, solitude, or any of the things that I used to be able to do. I’m gonna keep going because what else is there to do. I hope to one day look back and be grateful for this time in my life. I have since taken a step back from watching Leo’s content because it makes me sad. But hopefully one day I can get back there too. I believe there is a reason and an unfolding, to be revealed to those who never give up. Please feel free to post any thoughts or questions.

It has become clear to me for long that meditation is for suicide. But i find it hard to believe/accept (or if you dont like the word believe you can call it whatever you want) that we can feel painless when your body is in pain. The most annoying and gruesome pain is the pain in the stomach ( in my experience). How can one meditate under stomach's pain? How can suicide be painless?

What a question. I suppose the same way some people don’t even know they are depressed; at some point, your psyche adjusts. You only have a handful of choices, after all. Suicide, obsessively thinking about it, trying to accept that life is misery at the moment, blatant escapism, etc. as someone who has had (diagnosed) depression for a few years now, accepting and saying “I'm depressed" rather than saying “I have depression” is one of the worst mistakes someone trying to overcome any mental illness can possibly do. Depression is no more a part of who your are than any other illness is. You need to believe that it can and will get better. I truly promise you that it will. But, with that being said, it is going to take some serious determination on your part. Just don’t ever give up. So, in summary, it is entirely possible to accept depression as a part of yourself, but it is one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. I truly hope this helps. Just keep telling yourself that it will get better (as corny and cliche as that saying is) and that accepting that you are depressed rather than having depression is going to make you situation worse. And if you arent already, please talk to somebody. I hope you get better

I want the NO BULLSHIT explanation of what really happens after suicide. Is such information possible to find? Or is doing it the only way to find out. I've scoured the web and don't find anything!! All I get is modern mental health professionals talking shit. I want the actual spiritual explanations of what happens I’d like it if you could share with me some stuff online from mystics talking about this. Many different sources so I can compare and see if there’s some truth in what they say and some common thread. I need to research more before I make a decision so if you guys could help I’d much appreciate it, thanks

Is wanting ego death like wanting suicide? Does it mean Leo wants to commit (internal) suicide and wants others to see him do it? I think being dead and alive at the same time is cool.

@Leo GuraI understand that life can be very hard especially health issues, I my self have multiple mental ilnesses and still seriously consider suicide every couple of days but what I don't understand is that you did like 300 trips and you meditated a lot, how on earth such things still affect your happiness, aren't you supposed to be invinciple . Maybe your relatively low baseline is the problem, maybe this shows greatly the limitations of the psychedelic approach Or is it that suffering cannot be practically transcended by humans?

Okay, i'm gonna do it thanks. It has to do with my emotions, any negative emotion increases it. Although with my condition I think I need more like 2-4 hours per day of meditation for it to work enough, and then also some walking meditation on top of that. Its pretty bad, my body is already aging faster than normal, I feel like I'm dying I'll probably develop cancer soon if I don't do something to fix it. If I stop for a period of time of healing, the anxiety bounces back stronger than ever even after all that healing work like it was all for nothing, and if I stop for even a month, the anxiety becomes too overwhelming, I can't function properly let alone hold a job, suicide starts to become pretty attractive at that point. So i'm really gonna have to go all the way with this meditation work, even make some sacrifices of responsibilities so I can have more time to put into meditation.

@bloomer I should probably share my experience with autism. Sometimes it feels disempowering when I realize how much of my behavior it explains. It makes me feel like I'm not in control and free will is an illusion. This is reinforced by other people who are afraid of what they don't understand. No matter how hard I try to be good, I will inevitably be corrupt in some way from another perspective. I literally am good, but not all finite forms of love and goodness compute with one another, thus creating conflict. I spend most of my time isolated because I don't normally see value in interacting with other people. I have limited interests and people often bore me to death with small talk and day to gossip. If someone is trying to teach me something new about subjects like chess, psychology, emotions, philosophy, society, or something I find interesting, then I see value in interacting with them. I was bullied on several occasions as well. It stopped once I was around a few friends. Groups are simply too intimidating to attack. The kid without friends who sits isolated from others will often be bullied. This is how I naturally behaved, making me an easy target on so many occasions. Sometimes my literal interpretations would get me into trouble by making people think I'm a smartass. This includes the assistant principal. Unfortunately, the suicide rates are disturbing. I have been suffering from a mild form of depression for basically my entire life. I was never happy with my life as child. Maybe it would have been better if dad didn't flee the state to avoid paying child support. My life has pretty much always felt hollow and it makes it harder for me to find my purpose as well. I had lots of suicidal thoughts before, but I know I would never act on them. They have subsided. I could give more details, but I won't make this too long. I hope one day I find a way to cure the constant mild depression.

I think you're jumping to a conclusion. Stating the effects survival had on men and women does not in any way show you how you're supposed to behave. I can see this renouncing all power because I don't want to partake in this system (this is essentially suicide) or I can seek as much power as humanly possible because that's the nature of things (Genghis Khan path). Insights are beautiful, but don't take them as prophecy.

You sure about that man? I can think of countless examples of (primarily) men raping, killing, pedophilia, and committing suicide - because of (not explicitly) abstaining from masturbation and generally sexually repressing themselves. I think you've got rose-coloured glasses on and have no idea how elementary a body function like ejaculation is. The Catholic Church have been doing NoFap for thousands of years, and they are likely the #1 offender for sexually abusing children and women on the planet. I imagine doing it on a scale larger than criminal organizations like sex trafficking, or warlords in hellhole African nations.

Is this a faster way to reach turquoise/have no identity? Why spend so much time to destroy it? Would this even work? Would i be happy?

WARNING: If you are sensitive to serious subjects, such as self harm, please consider discontinuing your participation in this thread. I had this kind of outrageous thought of enlightenment in relation to actual suicide. I am aware this might be a sensitive subject, however, I think challenging the fear of reasoning about serious things could lead to the apex of enrichment in one's personal development. So, if you've successfully managed to become enlightened, it seems as this is pretty close to actual suicide. I can only imagine that there is someone who went one step further in this quest. Anyone that have any reasonings concerning identity suicide in relation to physical suicide, and want to discuss, go ahead.

@something_else Yeah, that's obnoxious as hell and clearly shows his sociopathy. The thing that's not even being said about this is that he was basically scamming desperate lonely Incels. Which is like scamming a suicidal person. I wonder how many people he scammed in this way committed suicide, or I can only imagine how pissed off they must be a woman-kind as a whole. The really ugly thing about this scam is that he's doing it via the girls, so the Incels don't understand that it's not the girl who's scamming him, it's a guy behind the scenes. But once they are scammed they will just blame the girl and contribute to this toxic anti-feminist ideology. When really it's Tate's toxic masculinity that's the true cause. As Tate says above, most girls are not so heartless as to scam guys like this. Basically what Tate did is use girls to monetize his massive sociopathy because girls would never be this exploitative naturally. Tate invented a method to use girls to laundry his sociopathy so that the victims never knew his face. Usually a sociopath cannot get too far into scamming people because his face becomes too well known to the victims. But in this case the girls were his front. Truly diabolical stuff from Tate. He shows zero awareness of the harm his actions cause.

@Leo Gura I received some other benefits from pickup: 1) better social skills: I was unable to make good guy friends and now I met 3 guys 2 weeks ago and we have become like best friends and we are each others wingmen. 2) don't give a f attitude: after getting rejected I became mentally stronger and don't think of suicide at all back then I felt suicidal when one girl rejected me but till now I have been rejected by 19-21 girls and I don't care lol feel alpha. 3) less fears: I used to be really intimidated by people especially dangerous looking men but not Anymore not as much as before. 4) learned better fashion: back then I used to look like a homeless teenager but after I started gaming I am taking more care of myself hence looking really professional. I still lack a lot of social skills but getting better.

So not only am I a loser, but a loser that loses more and more rep all the time. How easy it is to take it from a foolish and naive character like me, while probably giving false compliments or something. Behind my back, a gray picture is being formed in the minds of others about me. People will have so many false facts about me in their minds, I'll be ostracised from society completely all the time, and it will be hard to survive then. How can parents want their own child to suffer and ultimately fail in life, to commit suicide, to take away everything from it, to basically leave it with nothing, abuse it while making it dependent and then it basically really ends up the way they want it to end up. I always second guess myself, oh they must love me to finally let me sleep, but then it dawns on me that me falling asleep was beneficial for them to operate further, to harm me more. Of course I care about not being harmed physically, emotionally and socially. If I allow them to keep harming me, forgiving, why not just commit suicide and give them what they want straight away? Why suffer even more and help them grow at the cost of my life that would be a prolonged misery, because it is like they're eating me alive. Maybe I am just imagining this, but it could also be said that I am imagining that they are good to me when they are not and that they love me when they don't and that they care about my wellbeing when they do not.

Don't rob yourself of a potential life where things can get better. You have no idea how things could be, they can be better than you are able to imagine right now. Bad times are temporary, it doesn't mean you will have a bad life. If you are thinking of harming yourself in the immediate future or have plans please contact a suicide hotline for wherever you're from; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you need to talk or vent PM me, I think I could understand I've been where you're at.

Attention! All of the bellow mentioned is just a theoretical discussion and not a plan of action! I've been doing psychedelics for the last 4 years and had plenty of profound awakenings. Recently I begun to question the validity of all my trips and awakenings. What if an awakening is just hallucinations? When I’m tripping, I know absolutely that I’m God and playing my infinite game, but when I’m back to the dream I just can’t accept it. Is there a doubt free way to get the true answer and not only during a trip? I’ve been thinking about it and the only way I can think of is suicide. For example If I shoot myself in the head I would be 100% sure whether I’m God or all of this is just pure horseshit. What do you think?

@Lana Faye Hi! I used to take citalopram for a long time for depression, and olanzapine for a few weeks after an intense trip: suicidal delusions etc. I know how the olanzapine feels like. It was helful for me at the time, when the delusions and anxiety were at their worst, but the side-effects are pretty harsh. Are you still taking it? I recommend quitting the meds according the doctors advice and just a bit by bit... The withdrawal effects can be pretty brutal, especially with olanzapine. Overall, your experience sounds pretty familiar. For me it was mostly about suicide and self-harm... Intrusive thoughts and delusions, anxiety that I might just "lose control", "go insane" and kill myself. Stuff like that. It takes some time to sort these things out. There will be clarity and probably quite awesome insights coming as to what's went down and why these thoughts appeared. For me it was probably the most brutal and painful experiences I've ever had, but what I learned from it and insights I had has been so precious. In fact I'm starting to appreciate the whole experience. Really recommend psychotherapy, though only when you're ready and feeling stable enough with it. And from the spiritual side, A Course In Miracles was and still is pretty damn helpful for me. Though make sure you're ready and stable enough for that stuff too. Wishing all the best for you and your family! ?

Dude! That's because some leftist feminist did such a vicious expose of him that he lost his whole business, spiraled into depression, and killed himself. That's literally suicide by cancel culture. Not saying he was innocent but that expose was brutal. People don't appreciate how painful cancelation can be.

@Cathal hi! I quite liked the soup analogy. I’d also describe it as having local teeth anaesthesia - you don’t feel the pain while a dentist is fixing your teeth but later when you want to eat something your mouth feels weird, like it doesn’t belong to you, so food doesn’t bring any pleasure. I guess antidepressants act like emotional anaesthetic. At least for me. They do not fix the problem, they just numb the pain. The calmness is obviously artificial and the side effects are very distressing. Especially, cognitive damage, emotional blunting and inability to experience orgasm. It looks like I am a very sensitive person and the dosage the doctors prescribed was too much. They wanted to increase it and keep me at the clinic longer but I refused. I gradually decreased the dose and now off antidepressants for three days. Been vomiting, having diarrhoea but on the positive note I at least feel that my heart chakra is on again. Before it felt blocked. My ocd still stayed with me. Antidepressants just gave some time to learn not to identify with my thoughts. Sometimes my fears of going crazy and killing my son are still intense. Especially in the morning and when I am alone. You are right, I am afraid to lose control but the thoughts are very intrusive so I just give up battling them, cry and then go on with my mom responsibilities. I’d say I have Pure O revolving around the themes of responsibility, violence and existential matters. All connected to ego, craziness and death. I thought the root cause was my childhood trauma. My mom suffered from schizophrenia and committed suicide in front of me. Since then I have been scared of going crazy and was continuously told since teenager-hood that if my mom had it I am likely to develop it too. Other things related to death were that before I did abortion and later had miscarriage. Also the pregnancy with my son was filled with much stress and hospitalisations. When I was giving a birth his heart rate was dropping and I was losing consciousness while having much responsibility to still be awake and push because his life was dependent on me. Understanding all of this still do not help me with ocd although I thought it would. Acceptance of the intrusive thoughts without any judgement and further investigation like why on Earth I have this suffering and why Karma fucks me in the brain bring more results. Do you also suffer from OCD?

If you begin manipulating ordinary reality in your trips, that ought to convince you. Also, I advise against suicide, that would be a frivolous waste of your human life.