Search the Community

@Tyler Robinson @integral Long post coming. I suffered a ton of gaslighting that caused me to land in the hospital. It's an intense process of dehumanization. It was the major reason for my mental collapse from which I never fully recovered. And my mental health steadily declined from that point. Part of the problem is that many victims of gaslighting are just not aware of this term. Not everyone has an abundant knowledge of psychology. I didn't even know this term existed when it was happening to me. A year after the relationship I was reading articles online is when I first became aware of this term and then realized that what I had been through was gaslighting. If I have to give you an analogy on this, it would be like this — imagine you're planning a trip to the Caribbean. You contact a travel company. You go through an entire list of travel companies and trip organizers. You come across a trip organizers that have 5 star ratings. But you might not be aware of something called "fake testimonials" and paid reviews. Sometimes people are paid to give great reviews and a lot of people don't know that. So you see these wonderful 5 star reviews and you sign up to this trip organizer for a trip to the Caribbean and you pay them the expenses for the trip and they arrange the trip for you. Everything is booked, you arrive to the trip location and you see a flock of tourists there on the beach and you become friends with them. You ask them about their trip arrangements and they tell you all about the expenses etc. You realize that they spent, let's say $3000 on the trip meanwhile you had to spend thrice that amount. You realize that you were overcharged by your trip company. And this makes you really angry. You decide to sue them but it's too late since they have disappeared and you don't find any information on them. You feel like they fooled you and you feel helpless and unable to change what happened. You trusted them and they violated your trust. This is how gaslighting works. It's a violation of trust. Above is not a perfect example but somewhat close to it. Now imagine you're in a relationship. Generally gaslighting happens in scenarios where you deeply trust the other person. So you have a wife who tells you that there's something wrong with you. Everytime you fight, she tells you that it is your fault, meanwhile shifting blame off herself. Gaslighters generally take advantage of weak spots in a person. For example you might have a drinking problem. Your Gaslighter will use it against you. So during a fight, they will convince you that you made a mistake because you were drunk. They will tell you don't remember what you did because you were drunk. But you know deep inside that during the event you weren't drunk. But your Gaslighter has managed to make you feel like it's all your fault. You are confused and you are not sure. But you believe them because you trust them. This cycle keeps going on and on. You must trust them a lot and suffer from low self esteem or not a great sense of self combined with issues like hidden traumas, addictions, lack of support from families, physical weaknesses like illness, loneliness, brain issues can make it much easier to be gaslighted because your defense mechanisms are down and you don't feel strong enough to fight back. Such circumstances also make you trust more because you develop dependency very quickly. Gaslighting causes systematic abuse of the mental health of the person because you begin to believe that whatever they're saying might be true. Gradually your sense of self becomes more and more fragile until you feel like whatever you do is wrong. That you can never be right. This makes you mentally weak. And in the end you suffer several mental breakdowns because you begin to doubt your own sanity. You think that you will never be right or never be good enough at something and the other person keeps convincing you that you are always wrong. It leads to mental fragility if you're already sensitive and cause you temporary insanity. Which happened to me. I broke down and landed in the hospital. After which I realized that something was wrong. Systematic gaslighting can induce insanity and loss of self. It's a very dangerous state, can intensify suicidal instincts. My gaslighting went on for a full year and at the end I ended up in the hospital, I was vomiting with panic attacks, the stress caused my liver to burst and I was unable to think proper. It took me months to recover and I broke up with him. That time I was very naive and always trusting him. He took advantage of that and drove me insane. It starts with little things and then goes to extreme. He would start with little things where he would tell me that I was wrong. I had memory issues but it wasn't too bad back then. But he would take advantage of my memory issues. He would tell me that certain things never happened when they actually happened. Then he would blame it on my memory. He would tell me I'm crazy. Then I would check my message history and discover that the event had happened and that he was lying. He would lie and gaslight me whenever I confronted his lies. He would do this on purpose so that I would slowly get used to it. He was nice in the beginning, always kind and helpful. This is a strategy to gain trust. Once he won the trust, he began abusing it. Every time I felt a sense of doubt, he would dismiss it as a memory problem or my craziness. I was already having low self esteem so I turned to my mother who was supposed to help me but she added to it. She began telling me that I was having problems and that he was right. But I knew deep down that I wasn't wrong. My memory was bad so I would only remember partially and he was taking advantage of my doubts and uncertainties. I trusted him implicitly because he was my boyfriend. I wasn't aware of relationship abuse so I looked up to him as someone I could fully trust. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and my mother encouraged me to trust him. She would Shame and chastise me whenever I complained about him. She would tell me everything was my fault. But my gut was telling me that something was wrong. In the end he kept arguing with me in order to stress me out on purpose. After six months of arguments, I finally broke down and collapsed in the bathroom and was hospitalized. My liver was damaged from the stress of the gaslighting. I had become mentally unstable and fragile. I was already fragile to begin with. When I was discharged from the hospital and I came home, he told me that I was lying about the hospital. He told me that he wanted to speak to my mother. My mom confirmed to him that I was really in the hospital and I wasn't lying. Then he hung up. Following month when it was my birthday, he came to visit me and I asked him why he had given so much mental stress. He said that he did all that so I would find a better guy. I called bollocks on it. A guy would simply break up if that was the case. His strategy was to make me break up by systematically harassing me. Make me go, get rid of me. But he chose such a abusive way to get rid of me rather than simply breaking up. It's like if you want to make your wife disappear you make her go insane and then she commits suicide, boom, gone. He had planned that with me. I was shocked, I couldn't believe he would go to such lengths and this was all systematically planned and he knew all along that his behavior was hurting me. So I broke up with him. It took months to recover from his gaslighting. I learned to stand up against my mother, I learned and researched about gaslighting and I learned defense mechanisms where I would detect if something didn't feel right then place boundaries and stop it right there. The healing came much later. So after the end of the relationship, he stalked and blackmailed me. I told him that I would call the cops. He began gaslighting me again by making it sound like whatever I did was going to be pointless. I asked him why. He said that he had all our text messages saved. He would show those messages to the cops. And he told me that the cops won't believe me. He would convince the cops that we had a cordial relationship using those messages. I was fed up because I genuinely didn't want to engage the cops. So one day out of the blue I told him to come meet me in a park. I also told him that I was going to have a gun in my hand and that I would blow his head off if he was standing in front of me. That was my only way to stop his blackmailing and stalking. After that day, his stalking finally stopped.

@Tyler Robinson @integral Long post coming. I suffered a ton of gaslighting that caused me to land in the hospital. It's an intense process of dehumanization. It was the major reason for my mental collapse from which I never fully recovered. And my mental health steadily declined from that point. Part of the problem is that many victims of gaslighting are just not aware of this term. Not everyone has an abundant knowledge of psychology. I didn't even know this term existed when it was happening to me. A year after the relationship I was reading articles online is when I first became aware of this term and then realized that what I had been through was gaslighting. If I have to give you an analogy on this, it would be like this — imagine you're planning a trip to the Caribbean. You contact a travel company. You go through an entire list of travel companies and trip organizers. You come across a trip organizers that have 5 star ratings. But you might not be aware of something called "fake testimonials" and paid reviews. Sometimes people are paid to give great reviews and a lot of people don't know that. So you see these wonderful 5 star reviews and you sign up to this trip organizer for a trip to the Caribbean and you pay them the expenses for the trip and they arrange the trip for you. Everything is booked, you arrive to the trip location and you see a flock of tourists there on the beach and you become friends with them. You ask them about their trip arrangements and they tell you all about the expenses etc. You realize that they spent, let's say $3000 on the trip meanwhile you had to spend thrice that amount. You realize that you were overcharged by your trip company. And this makes you really angry. You decide to sue them but it's too late since they have disappeared and you don't find any information on them. You feel like they fooled you and you feel helpless and unable to change what happened. You trusted them and they violated your trust. This is how gaslighting works. It's a violation of trust. Above is not a perfect example but somewhat close to it. Now imagine you're in a relationship. Generally gaslighting happens in scenarios where you deeply trust the other person. So you have a wife who tells you that there's something wrong with you. Everytime you fight, she tells you that it is your fault, meanwhile shifting blame off herself. Gaslighters generally take advantage of weak spots in a person. For example you might have a drinking problem. Your Gaslighter will use it against you. So during a fight, they will convince you that you made a mistake because you were drunk. They will tell you don't remember what you did because you were drunk. But you know deep inside that during the event you weren't drunk. But your Gaslighter has managed to make you feel like it's all your fault. You are confused and you are not sure. But you believe them because you trust them. This cycle keeps going on and on. You must trust them a lot and suffer from low self esteem or not a great sense of self combined with issues like hidden traumas, addictions, lack of support from families, physical weaknesses like illness, loneliness, brain issues can make it much easier to be gaslighted because your defense mechanisms are down and you don't feel strong enough to fight back. Such circumstances also make you trust more because you develop dependency very quickly. Gaslighting causes systematic abuse of the mental health of the person because you begin to believe that whatever they're saying might be true. Gradually your sense of self becomes more and more fragile until you feel like whatever you do is wrong. That you can never be right. This makes you mentally weak. And in the end you suffer several mental breakdowns because you begin to doubt your own sanity. You think that you will never be right or never be good enough at something and the other person keeps convincing you that you are always wrong. It leads to mental fragility if you're already sensitive and cause you temporary insanity. Which happened to me. I broke down and landed in the hospital. After which I realized that something was wrong. Systematic gaslighting can induce insanity and loss of self. It's a very dangerous state, can intensify suicidal instincts. My gaslighting went on for a full year and at the end I ended up in the hospital, I was vomiting with panic attacks, the stress caused my liver to burst and I was unable to think proper. It took me months to recover and I broke up with him. That time I was very naive and always trusting him. He took advantage of that and drove me insane. It starts with little things and then goes to extreme. He would start with little things where he would tell me that I was wrong. I had memory issues but it wasn't too bad back then. But he would take advantage of my memory issues. He would tell me that certain things never happened when they actually happened. Then he would blame it on my memory. He would tell me I'm crazy. Then I would check my message history and discover that the event had happened and that he was lying. He would lie and gaslight me whenever I confronted his lies. He would do this on purpose so that I would slowly get used to it. He was nice in the beginning, always kind and helpful. This is a strategy to gain trust. Once he won the trust, he began abusing it. Every time I felt a sense of doubt, he would dismiss it as a memory problem or my craziness. I was already having low self esteem so I turned to my mother who was supposed to help me but she added to it. She began telling me that I was having problems and that he was right. But I knew deep down that I wasn't wrong. My memory was bad so I would only remember partially and he was taking advantage of my doubts and uncertainties. I trusted him implicitly because he was my boyfriend. I wasn't aware of relationship abuse so I looked up to him as someone I could fully trust. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and my mother encouraged me to trust him. She would Shame and chastise me whenever I complained about him. She would tell me everything was my fault. But my gut was telling me that something was wrong. In the end he kept arguing with me in order to stress me out on purpose. After six months of arguments, I finally broke down and collapsed in the bathroom and was hospitalized. My liver was damaged from the stress of the gaslighting. I had become mentally unstable and fragile. I was already fragile to begin with. When I was discharged from the hospital and I came home, he told me that I was lying about the hospital. He told me that he wanted to speak to my mother. My mom confirmed to him that I was really in the hospital and I wasn't lying. Then he hung up. Following month when it was my birthday, he came to visit me and I asked him why he had given so much mental stress. He said that he did all that so I would find a better guy. I called bollocks on it. A guy would simply break up if that was the case. His strategy was to make me break up by systematically harassing me. Make me go, get rid of me. But he chose such a abusive way to get rid of me rather than simply breaking up. It's like if you want to make your wife disappear you make her go insane and then she commits suicide, boom, gone. He had planned that with me. I was shocked, I couldn't believe he would go to such lengths and this was all systematically planned and he knew all along that his behavior was hurting me. So I broke up with him. It took months to recover from his gaslighting. I learned to stand up against my mother, I learned and researched about gaslighting and I learned defense mechanisms where I would detect if something didn't feel right then place boundaries and stop it right there. The healing came much later. So after the end of the relationship, he stalked and blackmailed me. I told him that I would call the cops. He began gaslighting me again by making it sound like whatever I did was going to be pointless. I asked him why. He said that he had all our text messages saved. He would show those messages to the cops. And he told me that the cops won't believe me. He would convince the cops that we had a cordial relationship using those messages. I was fed up because I genuinely didn't want to engage the cops. So one day out of the blue I told him to come meet me in a park. I also told him that I was going to have a gun in my hand and that I would blow his head off if he was standing in front of me. That was my only way to stop his blackmailing and stalking. After that day, his stalking finally stopped.

@ThePoint I recognize your hopelessness. Sounds like you are coping with a great deal of pain and distress. These have been some pretty tough times for soo many people with all that is going on, you are not alone. Feel free to answer if you want : Do you have a safety plan set for yourself? Do you have a support system? Have you mentioned this to anyone outside the forum? Are you taking care of yourself? What options do you have to cope in your current environment? Can you come up with some reasons to live? Do you believe you can influence your current state of function? ---- Psychologytoday.com is a great website for finding a therapist. You can search for a therapist that specializes in addictions. National Crysis line #: Call 988 for the suicide hotline. Another number to call : 1-800-273-TALK Local Emergency Room will help too if worst comes to worst. --- Make & Keep on hand your own personal CRP (Crisis Response Plan) is recommended for suicide prevention. Having an CRP index card (laminated) with you all the time - Filled with the following hand written information: Personal Warning signs - (Examples : Crying / Intense anger / Repetitive negative thoughts / Pacing ) Reasons for living Social support contact information - Name & numbers Emergency procedures --- Hoping that you can find some kind of help with the list above. If you still need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me in private chat to talk.

I don't mind if they don't read them. My self centeredness is average, but you seem to enjoy attacking others on here and can't seem to see that yourself. As for me, I have grown quite a lot while here, and in the real world and have let up on this self centeredness to quite a degree, but it comes from having limited time on this earth and needing to find answers a bit sooner than others. I write from personal experiences going through this process and have things to say on the matter. I have noticed you doing odd things as well, such as posting pictures of women that you've dated without their permission not only in posts but as your avatar, posting racist commentary here - and now here you are putting me down for really no reason, so who's the narcissist? You simply don't know me well enough to make that judgement, you just don't like the way I write - that it does come from a self referential and reflective process. Interestingly, you had posted here a few years about suicide and I gave you some advice that you took to heart, I guess when someone makes a boundary about how they wish to communicate with others that they are a narcissist then? Such things are genuine problems that people face and you shouldn't just throw spiritual narcissism or any form of it out there without knowing first if the person has it or not. Your judgement on another person's style or how they conduct themselves is not the end all be all to decide this. But... if you want to feel that I do, it isn't my place to decide for you. So feel free with the personal attacks. If you don't want to read what I have to write or you think it is too long, well... by all means, feel that way. It isn't really up to me. But seeing that this is your general demeanor, I probably won't interact with you on here again. Have a good one.

1. If one does not express their anger to its target, they will express it to another target. This is why people explode out of nowhere. There is no being careful about expressing anger. Express it. Being polite and nice...is why people commit murder and suicide. 2. If self expression wasn't stifled people would be more honest. Why do you think comedy and movies exist? Its the one time where people are allowed to see honest authentic expression of the human condition. The irony....is we have people who try to clamp down on that too!!! 3. Do you see animals trying to clamp down on expression? NO!!! Anger doesn't distort the world. If I am killing your family and anger arises....is that distortion? If I am stealing your possession and anger arises is that distortion? You think anger needs to be carefully expressed because you don't trust yourself or others....which is why morality exists. You think people are innately evil and need morality to be good. In my own direct experience I have people not filter and totally express themselves with me...and they always choose no matter how angry they get....to allow themselves the space to calm down eventually. I do not fear the anger of others....but I have seen first hand what repressed anger looks like and what it does. Repressed anger is a much greater threat than the normal anger that arises. With authentic expression allowed repressed anger= resentment will stop being such a common occurrence. Why do you think lately there is such a defiance for authority? All this attempts to be careful is being thrown out the window.

"Still, our Steppenwolf has at least discovered a Faustian duality within himself, has found out that no unified soul inhabits the single entity that is his body and that at best he is just starting out on a long pilgrimage towards such an ideal inner harmony. He would like either to become wholly human by conquering the wolf in himself, or conversely to renounce his human side in order at least to live an integrated, undivided life as a wolf. He has presumably never observed a real wolf closely, otherwise he might have seen that animals too have no such things as unified souls; that the beautiful, taut frames of their bodies house a whole variety of aspirations and states of mind; that wolves suffer too, having dark depths within them. Oh no, human beings are always desperately mistaken and bound to suffer when they try to get 'back to nature'. Harry can never fully become a wolf again, and if he did he would realise that even wolves are not simple and primitive creatures but complex and many-sided. Wolves also have two and more than two souls in their wolves' breasts, and anyone desiring to be a wolf is guilty of the same kind of forgetfulness as the man who sings 'What bliss still to be a child!' The likeable but sentimental chap wih his song about the blissfully happy child would also like to get back to nature, to his innocent origins, but he has totally forgotten that children are by no means blissfully happy. Rather, they are capable of many conflicts, a host of contradictory moods, suffering of all kinds. There is no way back at all, either to the wolf or the child. Things do not begin in innocence and simplicity; all created beings, even the ostensibly simplest, are already guilty, already full of contradictions. Cast into the muddy stream of becoming they can never, never hope to swim back up against the current. The road to innocence, to the state before creation, to God, doesn't run backwards, either to the wolf or the child, but forwards, further and further into guilt, deeper and deeper into the experience of becoming fully human. Nor is suicide, poor Steppenwolf, a serious solution to your problem. You will just have to go down the longer, more onerous, more difficult road to becoming truly human. You will frequently have to multiply your two selves, make your already complex nature a great deal more complicated. Instead of making your world more confined and your soul simpler you are going to have to include more and more world, ultimately the entire world in your soul as it painfully expands, until one day, perhaps, you reach the end and find rest. This, in so far as they succeeded in the venture, is the path taken by Buddha, by all great human beings, some knowingly, others unconsciously. Every birth entails separation from the cosmos, enclosure within limits, isolation from God, painful self-renewal. Returning to the cosmos, overcoming the painful experience of individuation, achieving God-like status: all these entail an expansion of the soul to the point where it is once again able to contain the whole cosmos within itself." Steppenwolf, Hermann Hesse

Hi, my name is Alex and I’m from Russia and I need practical help. What I’m going to write next doesn’t come easy to me. I’m currently in Nepal and I find myself in the middle of a very dire situation. To keep things straightforward, I was in Turkey last year before Russian-Ukrainian war started, and I was during serious many-hours-pre day meditation practice, which did a number on my perception of reality, and I remember the day precisely- it was 23 of February - when I watched Leos video about solipsism which he deleted but which popped up without me even searching for it in the way of sound-only youtube video someone else recorded and did put out. I remember walking on a beach in Izmir listening to it and feeling really strange, and then the next day the war started, which was interpreted by me as a confirmation that it is my personal dream, and it made me disconnect from other people because I stopped seeing any point of living a life in my personal dream where such things as this war happen, and I lost the will to survive, because I didn’t see any point in connecting with people which aren’t even real. That’s a big reason why I’m posting this here. I stayed with Leo and did practices suggested by him for the last 3 or 4 years, and I hold him partially responsible for my current situation. If solipsism in my case is actually true as he said in his deleted video and he is just a figment of my imagination, then it’s only fair for me to ask for help here, if on the other hand other people in my reality have inner lives of their own, which I feel right now is actually more probable, then putting up that video was highly irresponsible of him, given that there are quite a few suicidal people on this forum. He must have understood that and removed his video shortly after posting it, but I think it’s really no excuse given past history with people being actively suicidal here, there is no love in telling potentially suicidal people that their nightmarish reality is just a dream and basically pushing them towards suicide, because it removes incentive to connect with other people by perceiving them as unreal and it removes incentive to go on for loved ones because I started, for some time, perceiving them as non-existant, and felt extremely empty, and I’m sure I’m not alone here. So I stayed in Turkey until about 3 months ago, meditating a lot and wanting to achieve liberation from this world, and at very least from the feeling of chronic unease and tension which was with me since my childhood. I didn’t see any point in continuing to live in a dreamworld in which I was feeling this chronic tension. I tried to get some jobs in the summer and earned a little money, but feeling of chronic pointless of surviving and non-ending aversion toward the word I lived in, which was more and more perceived by me as not real prevented me from committing to survival for the good of my loved ones and finding ways to earn money. So about 3 months ago my money was running out and I went to nepal where I though I’ll get some job, but I got a local dengue fever, I was incapacitated and got psychotic and cut my hand with a knife. Then I went to the hospital and they patched me, but I probably some neurological complications and not really able to function right now. My money is running out and I can’t go back to Russia, because they will probably draft me and have me to kill myself because I don’t want to go to their stupid pointless war and kill other people. I’m very tired of I didn’t check the rules but I in large part expect this to be removed, despite that it will be very painful to me because it took me over 3 weeks to find resolve to post this here because I am not used to asking for help. But I leave it up to you now, basically it’s maybe my first and last plea for help. I need some money to survive, and I need about $400 per month to survive here, including food and housing. I’m not used for such money for me to be a problem because I have a decade of experience in system engineering, but I have neurological complications which prevent me from functioning which prevent me from taking a job in the industry right now and it’s what makes difference between living or dying right now. So I’m asking you to put up some fund and help me with some money to survive for next several months until I’ll be able to get back on my feet. I’m not sure I deserve help, but I don’t think I deserve to die either. I don’t really have anyone else to ask, because my parents are my only family which I’m in contact with and they are old and in Russia and don’t have money to support me, and I can’t go back to Russia because they will probably kill me by drafting in the army and sending to my death. Honestly, I want to repeat that I write this here because of the impact of the Solipsim video be Leo, and I think it’s only fair for me to try to get help this way. In any case, it’s really painful and hard for me to write this because it’s hard for me to ask for help, but I’m also doing this action so that god might know my situation and find a way to help me. I can provide required verification via zoom to moderators or other people of my story by telling it in person showing my documents and the recent knife scar. With all the talk about god Leo did over the years, I leave it up to god manifested as you to decide my fate, because I’m apparently helpless right now.

Something profound came about last night in a conversation with my brother-in-law. Thought it would be worth sharing with y’all. He’s the only proper tier 2 thinker I’ve been blessed to know personally and we both agree that I’ve saved him from loneliness and he’s saved me from total insanity through our abstract, philosophical connection. (Keep in mind that he is not God- Realized and I can’t be too blunt with the whole you are God thing haha) Here’s the brief Q&A: His question “When god came into existence, and most likely didn’t even understand fully what itself was, and now continually witnesses the possibilities and strives to understand itself endlessly. As a single piece of that entity striving to understand itself, is everyone’s real purpose just to love and accept themselves and others. Whatever that may be?” My response “I like that a lot, very well worded. I know/perceive God as the principle of infinite intelligence, the only thing capable of properly understanding existence; Since existence is a pure singularity of infinity. I see/feel/experience Love to be The primary tool that God uses to achieve this infinite understanding. This is why I feel Love is so powerful, it is the only thing that a singularity of infinite intelligence decided to use to understand itself perfectly ? ?♾? As though Love is an advanced technology of an unimaginable magnitude, and inconceivably subtle, intricate, and multidimensional. The most advanced levels of love are extremely alien to how humans know and express love, almost like technology from a futuristic planet outside our galaxy Gods main frame of understanding is a nuclear reactor of infinite love, which also implies infinite acceptance of all manifestations of infinity, including all subsets of limited understanding. I am my best self when I can perfectly mirror God‘s Love for the macrocosm through its infinite intelligence with my love for the microcosm through my finite intelligence. The more loving I become the more it is extremely clear that I’ve become a pristine instrument that God can use to achieve pure understanding of the entire human domain, the entire earth fractal of infinity ?” Second response”Also I had a telepathic merging and simultaneous awakening with this actualized guy and his post expresses my life purpose quite well.(I sent him Leo’s recent post of Infinite Alien Love) Almost like Mr. Actualized and I are outgrowths of the same alien intelligence that’s contacting humanity in order to teach it new ways to love and thus new ways to understand themselves and all of existence. He’s more of the brain/vocal cords and I am more of the liver/kidneys.( Of course there are organelle systems within this alien that no human has ever seen before. They are completely unique in their purpose and novel in their function.) He builds towering spires of alien architecture and alien wisdom that humans can look up to for conscious inspiration and amazement. I’m over here underground, installing multidimensional alien plumbing and sewer systems; making sure humanity’s subconscious bullshit gets treated properly and doesn’t flood to the surface. Don’t worry I knew there was no glory in this job when I signed up for it ?Spoiler: the collective healing I have been doing for the past few years is precisely this alien love expressed. It’s so alien that it’s consciously appreciated by only a handful of people in the world at a time. Of course that number is growing quite a bit with our collective awakening. Although this alien love that I try to express seems to require me being struck by lightning to express properly, almost like I’ve learned to absorb and radiate so much of God’s love that it is literally killing me haha (not ego death but actual physical death) but it’s such a beautiful thing that I don’t mind in the slightest. One death to heal the trauma of billions of deaths is just fine in God‘s eyes, he doesn’t mind me taking one for the team haha.” A few additional points to add for forum folks : Do I really believe that Leo and I are part of an alien being sent here to save humanity? Honestly I don’t give a shit and was just having fun talking with a friend. There is no need to claim alien-ness to be special. The Singularity includes infinite alien-ness and infinite similarity. You are both native and alien at the same time and it’s a delicious paradox that will be solved with deeper awakenings. What do I mean by collective healing? We can start by reviewing a book by Chris Bache titled “ LSD and the Mind of the Universe: Diamonds from Heaven.” He speaks about interfacing with the entire species mind at once and dealing with its collective shadow he termed the ocean of suffering. That one can dive into the ocean and experience superhuman levels of agonizing pain and torment in order to dissolve toxins and heal repressed collective trauma. Like a psychedelic group therapy session Although the dimensions of healing I have accessed seem to be much deeper, more concentrated, more vast in breadth and scope and more consistently luminous. He’s talking about collective healing as a non-god realized human; I’m talking about Collective Healing as a God-Realized Alien. What do I mean when I say Alien? I mean that there are ways of showing Love to yourself and to your fellow comrades in consciousness, and ways of Understanding reality through that Love that are so deliciously bizarre, So joyously weird, and so ecstatically eccentric that it is fucking mind blowing and is absolutely unlike anything this world has ever seen or heard of. It is such a distinctively different way of feeling, thinking, singing, dancing and being than traditional norms and cultures, even spiritual ones, that it couldn’t be further from human. This Absolute Alien-Ness with a capital A Is more alien then if a spacecraft full of martians or grays landed on the lawn of the White House; it is more alien than all of the alien depictions of all sci-fi movies ever made put together; it is more alien than DMT hyperspace entities. The Understanding that opens when this Infinite Alien Love is embodied gives a paradigm of reality that is so complete, so fulfilling, and so contrasted against the paradigm which humanity uses that it becomes utterly laughable just how wrong humans are about all of reality, what it is and how it works; Like they couldn’t be any more wrong ? “The word alien is too vague. Can you please give a specific example of this alien intelligence? “ Sure, I can share a low resolution depiction of my version with you. Picture this: An ancient hyper dimensional, fractal – galactic alien jellyfish. This jellyfish has been meditating in a solitary ocean of hyper dimensional fluid for eons, while contemplating its nature as Infinity. It has had an astronomical amount of time to grow, mature and develop Insane powers of the Mind, the Heart, and the Tentacle. It’s oceanic womb of specialized fluid has nourished it with a divergent evolutionary structure of sentience, giving it unique properties that are not even close to being found in any other universe or domain of consciousness. As it’s contemplation reached critical mass, it dissolved its womb with its own transcendental will and for the first time the endless vistas of the infinite dreamed creation became visible to it; worlds and species without end, universes and dimensions without boundaries. A new birth as it became conscious of infinite alien-ness. It’s domed head is a diamond singularity giving it access to Infinite God Consciousness. It’s primary tentacle stemming from this dome shines with the brightness of 100 billion suns. Branching off from this are its 1 trillion secondary tentacles. Each of these secondary tentacles can split into billions of tertiary ones, so on and so forth and there really is no end to its tentacle outreach. This jellyfish is conscious of itself as God and knows it can choose whatever form it wishes, although it chose its particular form to experience a very rich, specific joy of infinity. The main goal in this joy is to fully explore the infinite dimensions of pain/suffering and healing/recovery. It swims through the Omniverse and twirls, spins and dances in the most beautiful way as its cascading fractal web of tentacles oscillates and slithers about in an attempt to complete this never ending task. There was no pain in it’s own environment and thus no healing was possible. It’s quite curious how prevalent pain and suffering are throughout the rest of the infinite dream. Even though it has transcended pain and suffering entirely, it has enormous empathy for all those stuck in the dream that have not. It is conscious that it can dissolve pain from the dream by recontextualizing it not as suffering but as infinite love and divine radiance; although to do this properly it must experience the pain directly and intensely. It can do this because it is conscious that it is ALL pain in existence and also ALL healing in existence. While being conscious that suffering and healing collapse into unity and are ultimately imaginary, it actively seeks suffering out within the dream like a kid in a candy store. There is no moral superiority and it does it’s shamanic jellyfish work not because it believes healing is superior or that pain is bad and must be eliminated, but simply because that is its favorite way to show love to itself. It gains infinite fulfillment from using it’s abilities to experience multidimensional pain without bias and to share its gift of total self healing. It is a hyper dimensional massage therapist that massages traumas and tensions out of entire dimensions of existence and entire species at a time. It completes cosmic shadow work by using its tentacles to seed itself into various domains of life and conforms to their ecosystems for the purpose of finding toxic defects and corrects them in a hyper intelligent way that leads to maximum thriving for all in the system. It is not bound by ordinary time or space and has a hyper resilience that lets it withstand any alien environment that it encounters. Why is this alien love sending lightning through my body and killing me? At this point it’s not too far out to suggest that the human personality that types this post is an outgrowth of the jellyfish and one of its many tentacles that has seeded itself into humanity for the purpose of healing the human species. Also the human is not PART of the jellyfish, it IS the jellyfish. All the human memories/experiences are accessible to the entire jellyfish OverSoul mind, but the entire multidimensional existence of the jellyfish is also accessible to the human; they are one and the same. From this perspective, the jellyfish is an outgrowth of the human and the domed diamond head is centered in the chest, with the luminous tentacles pouring out and caressing every human I come in contact with. With that said, as I have become more conscious of my purpose and the means of actualizing it, my thread count has increased exponentially.(I will define a thread as a profound or meaningful mental, emotional, spiritual or even physical connection with another living entity or being, in this case for healing purposes. Yes I know there are no “other” beings and you can only have an infinite thread count with yourself but please bear with me haha) It’s not a competition to see who can get the most. It’s just part of the game that the more threads or unified interconnections made within the human species mind, the greater level of alien love that can be expressed into this domain. Over the years of purifying the psyche and jailbreaking the mind, I’ve learned how to make simultaneous connections with a billion people at once, and several billion threads have been woven over my 1000 or so healing sessions. The most recent healing sessions this year have been extremely intense and induce trance, out of body-seizure like episodes from the high voltage, high bandwidth processing. Covering trauma from many epochs throughout history and cultures from around the world, including people from all walks of life, all ages and all different types of problems and suffering. It’s impossible to articulate how exactly the healing takes place but a lot of it involves high grade distance telepathy, connecting with people in their dreams to access their memories and then sharing the gift of lucid dreaming by building an entire dreamscape in their mind that’s dedicated to creatively inspire them, uplift them with hyper dimensional alien jellyfish vitality and help them uncover repressed or suppressed subconscious material and assisting them in working through it in the smoothest possible way, while slowly skimming traumatic energy off the top and funneling it back to my body where it can be processed more consciously and dissolved from a God-Singularity state. These healing sessions are the most beautifully ecstatic, sublimely divine moments of my life, where I feel the most loving, connected and in tune with my purpose. They are stronger than any amount of sex or psychedelics that I’ve taken(over 225 trips in total ). In fact this work has collapsed a fundamental duality that I know y’all will enjoy; The duality between altered psychedelic states and sober states. This unfoldment has put me into a permanent 5-MeO/4-AcO/NN- DMT hybrid state that’s been ongoing for seven months and shows no signs of stopping. I can’t even take psychedelics anymore and have no need for them due to the high electric currents running in the default state. If I need a boost, the only thing to take where I won’t blackout is 5 to 7 mg of edible cannabis which will give me about 2 to 3 hours of high-dose DMT effects that I can use to boost my consciousness activities. From this weird center of gravity, objects buildings, and even people phase in and out of transparency. I can see peoples thought structures as visible, colored textures and I can feel certain peoples rhythms of thinking as pressure sensations upon the skin. There has also been a recent increase in sensitivity to pretty much everything including food, light, sound, environments etc. ?(Obviously) As though I am swimming through liquid crystal, everything looks like it’s covered with diamonds that sparkle and shimmer with immense radiance. I can’t turn it off, this is life now. What started as small chunks are now moderate to large chunks of life memory that is dissolving to make room for this higher bandwidth interface. I am losing my ability to articulate thoughts in English as my mind is being reprogrammed with this alien language of 5D+ hyper visual, ultra emotive thought structures that the jellyfish uses to organize its multidimensional healing endeavors. I would consider human language to not be my native tongue at this point and you can just look at my post account to see how often I am thinking in English hahaha. My muscles are weak, my nerves are on fire, and my bones feel like they are being liquefied. Yet strangely all the tests run by the doctors indicate that everything is “fine.“ ? No diseases here, you’re perfectly healthy haha. There’s obviously something much bigger going on and the doctors don’t have a clue. At this point I’ve lost all trust in modern medicine because everything they try ends up backfiring and fucking me over more than it helps including MRIs, prescription medication, and a whole slew of other tests, studies and procedures done. I’m pretty much on my own and I do my best to eat a very clean diet and take quality supplements but that’s about it. Even so I am only 26 years old and experiencing dementia, Alzheimer’s and other end-of-life symptoms. It’s like some freaky Benjamin Button shit going on hahaha. I have intuited this and from observation it seems likely that I will not make it to 30. Although once again, from the perspective of the jellyfish the intended healing was accomplished and everything went according to plan. Every choice ever made and every experience ever engaged in was to increase the thread count for this great purpose. All other human pleasures and shenanigans were side quests to this main event and it has been executed perfectly. This tentacle played its note flawlessly upon the grand piano of infinite suffering/healing. Since we love coining new terms here I will add another one: an entirely new category of death referred to as a human hyper-nova. It needs to be distinguished from suicide since the two are confused almost always. Suicide is a voluntary CONTRACTED death that results from an exponential LOSS of threads. Meaningful connections are severed from society, coworkers, friends and family and finally that last single thread to the self; one gets cut off from their own personal hopes and dreams and when the thread count reaches zero the will to live is gone. There is no god realization with suicide and from the personal perspective, it is considered an anti-life, destructive act. A human Hyper-Nova is a very rare voluntary EXPANDED death that results from an exponential GAIN of threads. Since each thread has a charge to it and due to the overwhelmingly vast network of threads accumulated, far beyond what the human nervous system is intended to handle, the overcharged circuit completely fries the human body resulting in an untimely passing. There is God -Realization in this death and there is clear awareness of it being a portion of a greater purpose; definitely considered a powerfully creative act. An excellent film showcasing alien love is Annihilation starring Natalie Portman. It’s highly recommended although a warning : it can be a bit intense for many viewers. ( Spoiler) What happens to Dr. Ventress near the end of the film when she reaches the lighthouse is the best visual depiction of what is happening to me. The violently luminous death of a simpler, yet surrendered life form creates a wonderful foundation for a much more complex life form to be born. ??✨ Anyway that’s enough rambling for one lifetime. God bless all of you and remember that you are infinitely loved and that you are that Love. I will see y’all on the other side. ?✌️????????

Honestly I just see that I the depth i had is just gone. It is as if my mind has sealed me off from going deeper leaving me handicapped to day to day life. It is so strange because i see that my survival is switched off completely.I notice myself reading and listening to others allot just because this has worked for me before but now i see that this whole new expirience is really unexplainable to people, everyone is saying to me to just rest I might be depressed or something like that but I know for sure that's not it. The fear comes from "what if i can't solve this?". I am peaceful but I don't learn the same and i also don't do anything in the past month. I wonder if i should do a psychodelic trip. Maybe it could get me into a state of actual understanding how did this happen exactly. The suicide thoughts come from "yeah this is incredibly odd and i have never had anything similiar to it and anything i do doesn't seem to change it, might as well end it because if this countinues(the inability to get deeper into thinking and strategizing, inability to explain things , mainly it's my shit way of contributing to "the dream") I want to contribute but without thought how do you figure out anything? This just leaves me looking at a ticking bomb to which i just want to say yeah might as well let it blow now.

I had posted last month but it just got serious. My mom keeps having health complications, and is getting louder and more teary eyed, not in a good way. In the sense, that she is like- Parents have certain expectations of their children, and if you're going to keep me unhappy by not marrying, then I'll suffer and die, and if i get some health complication, I will not get myself treated and just die. Basically, threatening suicide in a non conventional sense. She's unwilling to listen to any other point of view. I'm 27 M. I get the feeling she's trying to control my life. And complains that I don't listen to her. While she herself is unwilling to listen to me. I'm trying to take responsibility here. Will moving out further sour our relationship? I also feel like she doesn't even acknowledge my stance on my own life. And keeps comparing me to what people normally do. I feel like she held me responsible for the emotionally torturious life she'll lead if i don't marry. It's crazy how some people try to control others as their own puppets. Like they don't even acknowledge, forget respecting the independence of another life. Any suggestions?

Why would you want suicide ?

Last month i had this huge realization that we all choose to play a character and we play it. It isn't even chosen we get what is around us from social conditioning and our parents. I became conscious of this but due to that realization I am half of a person now. I feel as though I've dropped my operating system which is hurting me because I can't do anything. And to be honest I don't even know how it happened. I was sitting in meditation and i just focused on the small dots that fade into other dots. I just focused on this everchanging field of view without thinking about anything and then i openned my eyes and all my stories about the world collapsed and now I struggle with normal day to day tasks like explaining an idea to somebody. I was so good at that. This has made me question if I really should countinue on this journey because in 2 years time I have to be living alone by myself and I can't even talk. I WAS SO FUCKING GOOD AT THAT. I've never gotten suicide thoughts but it's pretty often that happens in the last 3 weeks. I haven't meditated in that time thought it could ground me more but holly fuck it's still the same. When I try to sit and contemplate nothing comes to mind absolutely blank.

@julienw It was too dangerous, and too redundant. Also happened soon after a user here committed suicide using spiritual justifications, so that and most people misunderstanding and misinterpreting his video led to it getting taken down.

I think it has to with how our mind is wired. There are a lot of deep things that would make me happier then short term pleasure but my mind is addicted to that shit. And it’s just scary to renounce all earthy things. It’s like commiting suicide.

@Pudgey Okay so lets say I throw away good/evil. Why would my friend's mom have woken up with her religious document that she placed under her pillow, I think a prayer card, torn to shreds? Makes no sense. Or maybe it could have been any document and it would have been torn to shreds? Just weird. Why do exorcisms work? Exorcisms should absolutely not work if religion is bullshit. I haven't taken enough substances or high enough doses to experience those spirit realms in that way. I guess I see another thing. Like, without the potential of turning into a ghost or going to hell, suicide is so much more enticing to the suicidal person. I guess I see religion as a strong barrier to suicide and a strong promoter of love (if one uses it that way). I guess I just want to know why everyone is so keen on rejecting the exploration of religious ideas. Like why is it that we can explore say what a potato tastes like but exploring religious ideas is just absolutely off the table? Like there is something weird about that too. I guess I don't get why preternatural stuff plays games with us. Why is that? Is it just bored or what? What's its purpose? I guess I have had DMT but it was such a small amount. I saw geometric shapes and it was all 3D. I didn't see any entities.

Also, in the non-dual paradigm, if one dies, they may think that their live is over and that is it. In the Jesus paradigm, when one dies, they could become a ghost or go on to Heaven/Hell. I think the Jesus paradigm makes it harder for one to commit suicide because of the ghost/Hell possibility whereas if one thinks it will just be over, they may be more likely to do it. One may be more attuned to being loving in the Jesus paradigm, with the awareness of evil existing and therefore a better eye to tell the difference between love and evil. In the non-dual paradigm, all distinctions are kinda randomly made based on whatever you want and what is relative to you and one may have a problem with being as loving (or having that as a priority) but could still do it (because there could be so many things to choose from to prioritize). Both paradigms may be open to vast curiosity and exploration but the Jesus one may focus more heavily on love whereas the non-dual one may focus more heavily on imagination.

Hello everyone in the actualized.org community I want to talk about the events that is happening right now in my country in Iran and be the voice of my people and bring about some awareness on this issue to the world and this actualized.org community for this could help my country and my people maybe I don't know but I just have to do it These days in Iran the government is killing it's people very brutally and doesn't eve bother to take the responsibility of killing even one person and everyone that they kill they would create a bullshit backup story about them committing suicide or some other bullshit to clean their hands and it's funny that some idiots in the same country believe these bullshit stories from the government they are basically slaves of the dictator government and believe whatever the government is telling them Although these slave believers are less than the protestors and the young generation of people who are being killed for protesting against the government but still there are some of them still in Iran who believe blindly whatever the dictator government is feeding their stupid minds and some of them also participate in killing the protestors for the government Our people are protesting for their basic rights as human beings for choosing what to wear themselves not the government telling them what they should be wearing and making a law out of it and even having a morality police to demand the women to wear as they say they should I mean this is preposterous in the 21st century and in this world that we're living today for this idiot religious dictators to tell everybody to do as they say they should do and if not then kill them I mean it's absolutely ridiculous we were living under this absurd religious since we were born but they're now killing everybody who opposes them and this can't go on like this I'm not even mentioning the big big economical problems that Iran is facing with the crazy inflation rate that's making living in this country so fucking difficult for all of our people I hope this brings about some awareness to the world I really hope I can be of some help even if it's very very little to my people Thank you for your time Peace✌?❤️

Beautiful list But every time I read God-Realization epiphanies like that, I think of rape, torture, mental dispair, suicide, dying a long and painful death, etc. These things should be part of absolute goodness too. If so, is it impossible to get god-realized, if you have an aversion to these painful things?

This is a concerning and complicated issue. There are several factors which indirectly link to gun violence. One important factor is brain damage. Some people want to shoot up a school because of this. When their brain damage is healed, they lose the desire to shoot dozens of children. Brain damage can be caused by the food we eat. A lot of the foods we eat do not the EPA and FDA safety guidelines because there is too much money on the line for massive food and water corporations and they can get away with it. Baby food can cause brain damage when linked with arsenic and lead. To make matters worse, the safety guidelines are severely outdated because there are carcinogens in Europe that are outlawed, but still legal I America. America is giving its citizens brain damage out of corporate greed and poor science in heavy metals. Maybe depression is a factor. When people feel they have nothing to live for they usually kill themselves, but sometimes they externalize these suicidal tendencies and take it out on others. Helping people to find meaning in their lives might prevent them from doing these horrible things. Of course there are many other factors in depression, but psychedelics are useful in curing depression. A lot fewer people would act in these ways if they were more loving and compassionate. Maybe psychedelics are so life transforming that it could prevent someone from becoming a school shooter. Another suggestion I have is online courses. Although not everybody has to take online courses, it can reduce the classroom sizes and disperse the target. The reason people attack schools is because there are a lot of people. If some students are better learners online rather than in a classroom because of abnormal social behaviors for instance, then fewer people would die in school shootings. Likewise, increasing the quantity of public schools would help classrooms to be less crowded. Instead of having 30 kids, they could have 20 or 10 kids. This would make evacuation during any emergency more efficient and fewer kids would die. Economic inequity often makes people give up on life. It could be student loans, stagnating wages, expensive medical care, unable to afford a house, a miserable dead end job, and many other factors. A lot of limiting beliefs come from money and a lot of society's problems could be solved through the combination of education and equalizing income and creating material abundance. Raising the age for owning firearms has been discussed recently. Background checks for people under 21 are important because their brains are less developed and it might make them more impulsive to the point of committing suicide or worse be a mass shooter. Alcoholism and other drug addictions can cause brain damage. Treating drug addicts rather than punishing then can solve a lot of behavioral problems. Most of the people who shoot up schools are crazy people with brain damage. If so many Americans are drug addicts, then no wonder they act insane. Maybe the ibogaine treatment can help alcohol and heroin addicts. Psychedelics also have anti addictive properties and legalizing them could help make the drugs less profitable for drug trafficking. For example, marijuana is smuggled across the border because it is easy to grow in Mexico and drug traffickers become less optimistic about their actions when it is legalized in America, giving doctors more control over the drug. It could work for other drugs as well. This also solves the issue of border security by the way. I'm sure there are many other solutions to gun violence other than these suggestions, but this is a few of them. By the way, there is a lot of talk about banning ar-15s. This could make the issue worse because there are less popular guns which are actually more powerful. If these guns become more popular than more people would die, not to mention how many guns are purchased illegally.

Interesting story from a guy, called Cornelius Christopher who was suicidal and eventually became awakened instead. He experienced a phenomenon physicists call a quantum superposition meaning two or more conflicted states / alternative realities existing at the exact same time and in the same space. There he observed his suicide from the past, present, and future, including the now moment. He discovered that there is no such thing as death as we know it when we physically die; only consciousness exists before it collapses into one of those realities. In his autobiography, Cornelius describes he had received many extraordinary gifts, including pure consciousness where he has no inner voice, chatter and no ego. he experiences pure silence all the time with no self-doubt and or ability to judge.

I think you shouldn't commit suicide, you have to keep trying. But having said that, I think that not committing suicide in case this has consequences in reincarnations, is a meaningless story. If you kill yourself, it's because you were here to kill yourself. but since we are here, let's accept the challenge. the challenge is to be present and absolutely happy in a hospital with terminal cancer, in a nursing home, in a Nazi death camp. Let's try to play the game, it is exciting and it is possible to finish it successfully, and if it doesn't happen, we are trying. Suicide is cowardly. you have to keep playing. But if you're not going to play and you're going to be complaining, it seems better to opt for suicide

Yes. Before you drink water, you think. It's interfaced with basically all your actions. The quality and efficiency of a lot of your actions are linked to how you think. Someone who thinks that suicide bombing is gonna send him into heaven is gonna go do that. Thinking is serious stuff.

Contemplating death and suicide with curiosity can actually be incredibly life transforming/affirming... Pros could be: You would then know what it was like to experience death (though you are also able to have this experience while alive, so killing yourself is unnecessary) The past would be gone, there would be no need to worry about the future, you would be elevated of all caring, for there would be no you to care. Your family, friends, all ideas of the world, ideas of Karma or Jesus, who you are, all attachments... gone. Taking off the identity (ego) you are manufacturing/maintaining. You can reach/practice this state while "alive" (if you so choose to lable yourself as such) so again suicide is unnessesary.... (Death)..." slices through every lie, ridicules every belief, mocks every vanity and reduces ego to absurdity. He is sitting with you right now. If you want to know something, ask him. Death doesn't lie." -Jed McKenna Also maybe you aren't afraid of dying, but are terrified to actually LIVE. Life works in mysterious ways, you never know what's going to happen, who you'll meet, what serendipity will come your way... The curiosity keeps me here. "Good", "bad" whatever you want to lable this moment, and even though it may be absolutely meaningless... holy cow, it's a fucking miracle. Great entertainment for conciousness. Sending you all the love and the biggest hug. Take care

@Jake Chambers Hey I was just reflecting on your question and personally, I think that people can actually become attached and addicted to fame and the feelings fame evokes in them once they experience it. I think we could also consider that perhaps Kanye was a totally different person before he acquired his fame. He could've behaved much differently then. He could've been the sweetest, most humble, quiet, & selfless guy you'd ever meet and it was the fame itself that messed him up and altered his behavior and his attitude. Fame does change a person. And I think it can quite drastically. So to answer your question, his narcissistic personality traits could be inherited, I don't know his personal genetic background, but they could also be developed and learned. And achieving fame is one of the easiest and fastest ways to mold & shape a personality into one which is more egocentric, superficial, & vain. (It's like a trap and it can become very miserable and crippling for some celebrities/artists who are more spiritually/emotionally aware and in tune, who are wanting more in life than to have eyes all over them.) Once a person receives such extreme levels of admiration and attention, this can act like a drug, and some can actually become addicted which can heighten their greed and also paradoxically, increase their lack of satisfaction & true sense of fulfillment in life. This is why we see fame driving many individuals to sickness, and to disturbing degrees of self-destruction, including suicide. This proves that not even living like kings & queens or honorary heroes/idols can ensure happiness, positive well-being, and sense of fulfillment & life satisfaction.

I need to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest. Recently I've been regularly having suicidal thoughts. They are not serious and I'm not planning anything but I'm just so tired. Why does everything have to be so difficult? By that I mean, I feel like my mind is constantly working to my detriment. I'm so fucking done with this shit. Sometimes I really see no way out. Today during a walk I sat on a bench and the moment I became a bit more conscious and looked at my thoughts and emotional state I just cried. "How can I be doing this to myself...?" You might notice that I cry pretty often. Yes, that is the case. Sometimes I cry from sadness, from powerlessness, from overwhelm. Other times I cry tears of joy and love. I'm pretty emotional. I feel like a rollercoaster, I can't find stability. Emotions are one of my favourite things in life but too often I just can't deal with them well. I mean I'm blocking myself from feeling so often. This especially happens when I'm at my lowest, like right now. Two weeks ago I realized Aloneness, Love for the first time. I also engaged in a dialogue with God. Two weeks later - I managed to almost completely numb myself and kill this voice inside me. By this I mean that I cut myself off - God is of course still there, probably waiting with pure love and acceptance. But I'm too afraid to leave the dark. SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS NORMAL. For fucks sake. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE AREN'T INTERESTED IN THIS SHIT! Fucking good for them! Their minds are doing a great job of protecting them and they seem to be cooperating unlike me and myself! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This God damn awakening bullshit. FUCK! I hate that everything has to be so difficult. I fucking HATE IT! I can't change for shit! Can't motivate myself to work hard, can't motivate myself to catch up on studying which I've neglected, can't muster up the strength to quit my numbing and destructive habits. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this. I hate this. I hate this! Why, God? You fucking asshole... Maybe You can accept anything, but I can't. Dialogue with God my ass. Deluded idiot. That's exactly what I do. It's freeing to know that I do have the choice to commit suicide if I want. There is always an escape hatch. Of course it's gonna take much before I use it but like... ultimately nothing matters. I can do whatever I want. God (AKA me) will completely understand. Today I thought about it and when a person feels completely powerless and broken, the decision to commit suicide is actually an act of courage, a regaining of the power. Not that I'm that person but still. It takes true courage to kill yourself, really. It's almost admirable. Note: don't take my ramblings about suicide seriously. And don't do it. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, it's still not the right choice. Ehh. Really tho, don't take this seriously. I'm still gonna post it cuz I wanna vent but like REALLY. Don't kill yourself. Another thing I've been thinking about recently: you know what's scarier than the thought of death? The thought of living for infinity. And the horrors you'll gonna go through. To me that's scarier. I feel like it's my duty to accept that. It's part of my spiritual journey. Being willing to live through anything... man. I salute to those who are. Ehhhhh. There is much sadness and anger in me. And I feel like I'm at my lowest. I smile at the idea of a better tomorrow. I think of all the people that sigh with tiredness but still work towards that thing they want or look forward towards that brighter future. Humans with their visions, aspirations and desires. It's inspiring and pitiful at the same time. Little finite children. Goes without saying that I too am this little foolish child. ... Well. I hope better things are on their way.