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We are discussing impersonal things here. Nobody’s said anything personal. That’s YOUR projection, not anything to do with this discussion.

tsuki's position statements I will address on the most polarized of distinctions, and then perhaps may consider expressing a more subtle treatment. This response is pointed at the issue I perceive tsuki has elucidated, and is not a critique of ego in any way. Ego, per se, is a brilliant functionary in terms of the psychological apparatus of the being that is going to die; yet in the ordinary person, this functionary has usurped its (false) identity from the true self, which taoism calls "the true human with no status", in that ego has no knowledge of the true self or its wholesome, unified perspective and influence. The true human with no status is the unborn functional capacity of unified selfless aware intent, naturally operating as non-psychological awareness, and endowed as Brilliant Virtue, which is the nature of one's inherent enlightening being. Just this is your own empty shining mind right now. The work of self-refinement is to recognize and actualize its potential to the full in one's life. What is termed "my mind" can only be viewed as the human mentality, which is the false mind. "Me" perpetually uses an effectively fabricated (and valid) premise to distinguish between the knower and thought. This is the principle doppelgänger employed, not just by ego, but is in fact the revolving smoke and mirrors that constitutes ego in the first place. It's a phantom obfuscating the real. The real is an unborn potential that can and does operate in terms of one's innate enlightening being, in everyday ordinary situations, unbeknownst to anyone. As for "the past just being a concept…", well so is the "me", the "time", and even the immediate present, unless you actually see Reality, by the impersonally objective perspective of non-psychological awareness. If you see reality, there are no concepts, because everything is empty— including self, other, right, wrong, good, bad, before and after; therefore everything is the same, and can be dealt with objectively as one's unified enlightening potential. Nobody said it is easy, and it's not particularly difficult either, but things always get sticky in terms of personality issues. Even though it is inconceivability itself, it has its own logic, and it works by virtue of Jesus' dictum paraphrased thusly, "to enter the kingdom of god, you must first lay down your life." It just means to revert to your innate selfless spiritual potential by giving up ego's perspective. Buddhism expresses Jesus' "your life" as "neither knower, thinker or liver of life." Taoism simply states, "There is no thing." Just re-gaining the selflessly impersonal perspective in the first place is the profundity lurking throughout every authentic wisdom tradition that manages its viability effectively by keeping the wordless knowledge of transcendent illumination alive. Leo's point about mind's "lying" serves the source intent which is non-originated. It's true. For those who see reality, the lying human mentality is simply self-evident. Not liking the fact that the human mentality is lying is indicative of the self-reifying human mentality. Everything the impostor sees must validate its façade. The false self is averse to anything which compromises its perpetually insecure status. This means anything the human mentality posits is attributable to its own selfish perspective. Selfish means relative to the personality's identity. The mind's way, is discriminatory, in the best sense of the word. Its method is utterly relativistic— just fine for the purpose for which it is intended— which doesn't include usurping the being's spiritual potential by obscurantism and then conveniently obscuring that so there are no tracks… the only crime being the forgetting. Therefore, one of the benefits of enlightenment is in discovering the true state which had been forgotten. As I said above, this is not a critique of ego, per se, it is a description of the pattern of the inception of the karmic situation. When the small comes, the great goes. This is the meaning of the 12th hexagram of the I Ching. Though it IS possible to arrive at objectivity, that is, transcendent truth in the midst of ordinary situations~ nevertheless, it can never be accomplished via the "the supposed mind's way." To call its way "lying" is a graphic device~ and just as true, in absolute terms. ed note: add last line in 7th; add 8th; hot-rod 10th; change "has to" to "must" in 11th paragraph

Someone sent me a PM recently in response to a comment I made on another thread. Hi there~ Hahhahaha!! My happiness, or anger, or wonder, or terror is just what it is at any moment. I commented (on a separate occasion) on your thread about finding a teacher who has had children. I sensed that you are already very close. You don't need to bother with intellectualizing concepts or pondering the meaning of "emptiness" and "infinity". That's for some other kind of person. At the risk of seeming nihilist, creation (as well as the Absolute) has no meaning. Selfless open sincerity is a natural human capacity already. It's not words. You know just this without talking. In the same way, enlightenment is your nature. It's actually your mind right now. There's no other enlightenment, no other happiness, wonder, no other mind. Enlightenment is just seeing that unborn awareness is all there is; empty, selfless, awake. Seeing your nature, seeing essence, doesn't change anything. Witnessing the Absolute is your own nature witnessing itself— it's the Causelss; the Changeless. It has never begun. If it changed anything, it wouldn't be enlightenment. It's already who you are right now. It's inconceivability. Human beings are inconceivable. It's not the person who witnesses their nature, it's one's own spiritual (wordless) potential reverting to its non-originated source for the first time. It only ever happens once. That's why it is important for mr Ivan (where you saw my comment about not saying anything for 20 years) to be very careful not to squander his over-weaning enthusiasm by spraying about the powerful experiential understanding he realized. Even an ancient taoist spiritual alchemy classic states that if one somehow accidentally (no one ever sees their nature "on purpose") sees their nature, they must get to work in order to stabilize and mature their newly discovered power of selfless potential. The maturation process in the aftermath of the sudden takes a lifetime. The gradual process of self-refinement before and after the sudden is an endless, ever-developing journey. There is actually a point to it all. Enlightenment is not about getting anything because there's nothing to get. It's not about being happy. It's about being able to harmonize perpetual (uncreated) enlightening activity with (created) conditions impersonally, in the midst of ordinary situations unbeknownst to anyone. It's neither easy nor difficult. One doesn't do it. It's spontaneous, but in order to actualize it, one must be able to see it. It's inconceivable, that's all. Furthermore, one must have an abundance of receptive virtue (potential) in order to carry this out according to the time. It's not the person. The person, in the final analysis, is the inert ingredient, and the spirit is impersonal (non-psychological). One's gradual practice in the aftermath of the sudden amounts to using everyday ordinary situations to grind down and polish the remnants of egregious ego-defects (not ego itself!!), so that ego can be of ultimate service to one's actualized enlightening being's spontaneous, spiritually (wordlessly) motivated action, which is neither the person nor otherwise. Enlightening being does not rely on the power of the individual; it uses the potential inherent in each situation (created energy cycle) itself. Enlightening activity is not good or bad, self or other, nice or mean, right or wrong, or even before or after. It's inconceivable. So since it doesn't have anything to do with "happiness" per se, I don't talk about that. I have to talk about "difficult" things such as Suchness. That is the nature of reality, which is neither created nor absolute. That's not because of what reality is (it doesn't exist), but because that's how reality works. In order to work directly with reality, one must be the same as reality. In order to do that, one must see reality in terms of reality~ and that's inconceivable. One must be able to see conditions as they are; objectively and impersonally, which is the meaning of selflessness. Selflessness has nothing to do with some kind of moral imperative or ideal. It's the nature of true reality, your unborn nature. Therefore, enlightening activity is all about being able to work with what is by seeing reality as is and dealing with conditions on their own terms without denying anything— while simultaneously seeing through phenomena (because its nature is emptiness)— no different than the Absolute. You see, the unborn Absolute and Creation's infinite realms are the same thing. Reality and delusion look the same because they are the same, in terms of potential. All be told, there isn't even one thing, much less two. Let's hear it for the homeland of nothing whatsoever! When one sees their nature, one realizes the potential to be neither a same nor different nature than creation's essence. That's the power of one's inherent uncreated enlightening being: the potential to be a partner with creation's potential without going along with creation in terms of its created (karmic) cycles. It's called buddha-nature for a reason! That only means something relative to inherent potential— and that means it's inconceivable. For some people, it's just their 24/7 day-job… and no one knows why because there is no reason why. It's just the way it is for no reason. People become buddhas and buddhas become people, that's all❤︎ ed note: typo, 9th; add "(it doesn't exist)", 18th; typo, 23rd paragraph

Ooooooh~ excellent comment, mr Monkey-man— and thank you too!! This gets right to the heart of taoist spiritual alchemy, which is the work of manipulating the dross to realize the noble. Of course, all the authentic teachings of transcendent action over creation carried out during the course of this planet's inconceivably long history are the same in this regard. I am most familiar with the taoist tradition, so I refer to its terminology when convenient. In order to work directly with reality (which is inconceivable), it is necessary to see through phenomena without denying its characteristics. Put another way, when one has sufficient receptive virtue to accomplish it, one's inherent enlightening function sees through appearances and responds according to the time using the essence of each situation's innate potential. This is spiritual alchemy. It consists of two aspects; the science of Essence and the science of Life. Often, I say that one responds to situations without relying on one's own power. The above paragraph describes the context of this being the case. Each situation is created, and therefore karmic. Since creation is the incremental nature of the all-at-once absolute uncreate, it is possible for (by virtue of the incremental and the absolute sharing the same essence) enlightening beings to partake of the potential inherent in all creation, in order to transcend karma by working directly with its (karma's) essence. Activation of one's enlightening function is called seeing reality. Buddhism calls this activating, or opening the "Dharma-eye". Human being typifies a specific range of potential insofar as its capacity is a type of awareness specific to humanity. Human being is a verb; the word human, is the adverb modifying the verb being. Human being is not a title, per se, it is a type of awareness particular to our collective, or unified being. I didn't say "collective consciousness"— that's something else: that's what perpetuates karmic bondage. Buddhism calls that the Storehouse Consciousness. Human being is by nature inconceivable, as is awareness, no different than the essence of creation, the absolute, and our selflessly aware unified potential. That which is unified has no differentiation; that's how there is selflessness, ie: no self/other. As a side-note, the characteristics of the psychological apparatus of the being that is going to die is a functionally universal consensus of humanity on this planet derived via the so-called Storehouse Consciousness, and is therefore not inherent— it is attributable to karmic evolution. In contrast, the nature of human being is selfless, awake and uncreated. It is unattributable— or rather it is the light of awareness itself, the source of awareness which is uncreated. Jesus said, "I am the Light." He wasn't lying. No one is none other than this light of awareness. As far as created cycles go, every created cycle is a complete cycle, even those containing many other cycles over lifetimes. In terms of an ordinary situational cycle, even if that be a single thought; it is born, it waxes, wanes, and dies. Often, other thoughts arrive before a current thought goes back to where it came from, which is, ultimately, nowhere. This is the law of creation. It's how karma works. That's the way of creation. To address Monkey-man's other concerns relative to karma, here's the deal: if you know that karma is empty by a direct and powerful confluence of conditions, and that knowledge has real power developed over a long time of self-refinement, karma loses its power over one's potential, which is, effectively, freed from the karmic matrix. This is the practical aspect of liberation. It doesn't have to be relative to the individual because enlightening being is selfless. There is no self. Karma is just the sphere of activity, enlightened or not, that people are subject to by virtue of having selves. There is nothing else in terms of creation. Karma is creation which is conscious momentum. Ancient adepts who learned how to work with creation by using its own laws, developed traditions over eons to keep this knowledge alive. All awareness teachings are the same in this regard because the non-psychological capacity or potential of human being is spiritual. The non-psychological is spiritual. It is an inconceivable vessel. Its potential can transcend creation and those who recognize it as themselves enter into the inconceivable as easy as one turns over one's hand. Not-thinking is what-it-is; before the first thought is when it is. It is possible to rest here in perpetuity. Taoism calls this resting in the highest good; Buddhism calls this the pedestal of awareness. There is a critical juncture in each and every created cycle. One can learn to see it. The critical juncture is the precise moment when the waxing potential becomes exhausted and the waning potential becomes active. This is the critical juncture that spiritual alchemists watch for. It is not within the realm of intellect. The ratio-syncretic human mentality is muuuuch too slow to see reality. It is a matter of not-thinking; it is in following desires without stepping over the line; it is through not being attached to outcomes. The provisional entry-level awareness exercise approached by beginners is called "meditation", or "just sitting". This is not authentic meditation at all. Just sitting is a long process of practicing for the real deal which slowly develops into what is referred to as continuous subtle concentration. The unbending intent carried out over a long long time to arrive at continuous subtle concentration is for the purpose of seeing the critical juncture, in order to carry out the spontaneous activity of humanity's innate enlightening function, which is natural. One does not do it. In the process of arriving at continuous subtle concentration observing essence, or potential, one naturally accumulates virtue. It is not a result of rote meditation, but of actually seeing Reality in the midst of delusion. Seeing reality is itself gathering potential. To repeat, it is not a matter of doing anything. True meditation is 24/7 continuous subtle concentration arriving at spontaneous gathering of potential by the power of receptive virtue. So this talk of ego-death is a bit of a misnomer, albeit quite literal in terms of the "interruption of (its) consciousness" which is an instantaneous result experienced as a selflessly aware vision, before time/creation, of inherent aware potential in and of itself. If the experience is then successfully cured and matured in its aftermath over a sufficient period of time, the result is simply the re-dedication of the ego-function to rightly serve the properly entrusted enlightening-function of human (enlightening) being whereby the (ego's) original capacity is fulfilled and it's conditioned (errant) action is forgotten in perpetuity. Buddhahood is not conferred by sudden enlightenment. The "sudden" can be termed the time of planting the seed of buddhahood in the homeland of nothing whatsoever. A life-long process of advanced practice is just "chopping wood and carrying water." Spiritual powers are not worth talking about. One's fiercely unequivocal insight is an aspect of seeing without employing self-reifying psychological patterns. Infusing one's life with non-reifying awareness is enlightening practice. Therefore, enlightening being's potential, as well as its function, is not the person. Its power is impersonal (selfless) and dependent on the potential inherent in the situation itself. One does not rely on one's own power to act selflessly. Why? One ceases being a separate entity simply by virtue of seeing reality because being of the absolute nature of awareness, as is the essence of creation, those who are spiritually adept partake of the nature of awareness, which is unified. Unity is as unity does, therefore the power of one's selfless, spontaneous action in response to situations is derived from the power or the potential of the situation itself, being karmic. Those who are able to work with essence directly with no intermediary, work with karma's essence— just the same as reality, therefore they can go along with creation without being subject to its laws which are created. Awareness is unborn. It's not about the physical, yet the euphemism of "ascending to Heaven in broad daylight" long ago passed into the Chinese folk-vernacular thousands of years ago, and evidently for a reason. So that Jesus guy wasn't the only one by a long-shot (and Jesus naturally had to dramatically and gruesomely die first, and THEN resurrect from death before doing the right thing~ sheesh). Some cultures are really thick… Selflessness, to clarify the word in terms of spiritual alchemy, or enlightening activity, is not a measure of emotionalism relative to conventional views of what "compassion" might imply. Enlightening activity is not good or bad, or relative to right or wrong, self or other— much less before or after. I tell you, inconceivability has no limit. People's nature and the totality of reality is truly in the realm of inconceivability. It's a mystery. Enlightening beings are those whose receptive virtue is sufficient to match creation's potential with "their" potential in terms of the essence of Reality, which is neither created nor uncreate. This is the meaning of Suchness. When one realizes the inherent virtue to accomplish it, inconceivability comes to the fore naturally and selflessly without anyone knowing. I will leave you with one last morsel: the critical juncture, in taoist terminology, is called the Yin Convergence. Oh~ and one last tease (heeheehee …zzo naughty), one furthermore "takes over creation and steals its potential" in the instance of the critical juncture by mastering the third and fourth hexagrams, Difficulty and Darkness. One then withdraws and stores the potential in secrecy void of intellectualism to await its natural refinement. Taoist alchemy calls the period of withdrawal in secrecy the "ten months of incubation" per the gestation period of the human embryo before it is freed from the womb. One goes along with creation in order to free the potential bound by karma's incremental nature. People have that capacity. Finally, I want to make sure that the following is understood with absolute clarity: ENLIGHTENING ACTIVITY IS NOT DEPENDENT ON SEEING YOUR NATURE (that is, experiencing sudden enlightenment). The occurrence of the sudden is the result of a critical mass of "accumulated" potential having been reached by virtue of selfless accord with reality while in the midst of everyday ordinary situations. I say that by virtue of my own personal experience— and I must admit that I didn't know what was happening, other than knowing the feeling that it was all just me (not separate). Taoism has a saying that the world is the sage. "It all being just me" is the fruition of the saying's true meaning. There has never been a single person who is not conceived in the womb fully and perfectly enlightened. Mind is one. Mind is itself enlightenment. Enlightened awareness is selflessly so. It is the way it is and no one knows why. ed note: add "…That which is…", 5th; add 8th; add "…it is following…", 14th; add last two paragraphs

Why does consciousness exist? It's actually a fine question to ask. More people ought to ponder such things and keep drilling into it themselves it until they bore all the way through! And I'm sso qualified to poke at this question with at least the advantage of a ten foot pole… First of all, people should come to the realization, or at least acceptance that there is no why. There is no reason. Suchness is so for no reason at all and nobody knows why. That is the fact of the matter. Looking deeply in the source of conscious awareness (not conscious awareness itself; I'll get to that subsequently), the ancients called the unknowable source an emptiness which is not empty, or a void which is void of voidness. I call it selfless knowledge of the absence of absence. Emptiness which is not empty is not a cute word game such as I see so often~ it is just as far as people can go into the unknowable. It is the limit of the extreme. There is no why. It is certainly possible for people to have knowledge of this and the fact is that people have been going to this precise limit for eons— it's not religion: it's the source of religion. I had to touch on "word games" because working with Reality has nothing to do with words. There is no explanation. So let's touch on mr godhead. At best, god is a name for the un-nameable. At the very least, in terms of symbolism, god is the practical equivalent of Saturn. When I saw god, he had a white beard and he was sitting at the veil between this side and having passed through. He was a real sweety-- I kissed the top of his bald head and went right on through on to the vaulting horizon (that was just a vision~ not a real experience). God is a bellhop. If it's a person's predilection to pass through, god will let you kiss his bald head as you pierce the veil. In terms of projections of the human psyche, god is a deified image of ego in that something has to take credit for what is— unless of course you know better. God is not creator. Why? Because awareness is not created and awareness is who you really are. Therefore, there is no creator. It is a myth~ a likely story. Specifically, awareness is un-created in that it has never begun— that's your unborn aware nature. Beginningless isn't a reference to some incalculable age. Awareness is literally un-created— it is perpetually a priori to creation. Yet it is not different. There it is, on the verge of going into action in perpetuity— and it has never moved; but it's not a static thing …it is an inconceivability in terms of living, aware selfless potential. That's a real experience, but it is not yet wonderful. This is one's true selfless identity, and you can see this by virtue of interrupting your individual false conscious awareness relative to the personality's psychological patters of self-reification that perpetuate one's conscious awareness. Ego's fault is to completely usurp the identity of the "real human with no status" and hold on to its baseless power-trip with endless schemes and subterfuge to obfuscate its inherent source of insecurities. Ego must be put on a leash, that's all, and that's a long process called self-refinement. The "real human with no status" is the real body of awareness which has no location. When self-refinement has reached a critical mass, the ego-function reverts to its rightful relationship with your selfless, real identity. It's a good thing. All people are just this. People are actually inconceivable beings; in terms of your own selfless nature, death does not exist and that which has never entered into the created is awareness. It is not a thing. People just don't know this, so they make things up to suit their fancy in lieu of direct experience because they would rather chase after fascinations which consequently keep them bound to the realm of karmic evolution. Ego is ignorant of this, so it takes the person along with it. Ego is not yours. As well, ego is not a thing. It is just a necessary function of the individual conscious awareness which has run amok. Therefore, modern humanity has no conscious advantage over those who have lived and died for essentially ever. Current technology is just current, that's all. Technology has not always relied on hardware~ and let's not get hung-up on semantics (ie: software). We're not advanced; we're precisely on schedule. So, moving right along in that regard… Ok, I said I'd get to consciousness or conscious awareness per se. Specifically, again: there is no why. It is the temporal aspect of Mind. In terms of technical terminology, conscious awareness is the human mentality; real knowledge is the aspect of the absolute which is experienced as immediate knowledge which can be as self-evident as knowing you are hearing a dog or a cat. No deliberation is necessary: it is ascertained immediately. This is your mind right now. Enlightenment is not a different mind. Does it exist or not? I'll say it again for all the smarty-pants who know better: Those who discover their nature realize it self-evidently simply due to forgetting words. No words is no-thought, that's mind right now. Mind is inconceivable; the self-reifying human is a phantom existence no different than people. Existent or non-existant~ it doesn't matter. What matters is that people clarify the basis of mind which is ungraspable. Clarify it right in its tracks. Mind is one, yet in terms of the manifestation of the psychological apparatus, one has somewhere to begin. One uses the unmoving to observe the moving. Stopping and seeing, one gains insight into the nature of mind, and by extension, reality… but I'll get to that later. The temporal manifestation of mind moves; the absolute quality of mind is unmoving. Perceptibly, for those who have observed the quality of the shining mind, in just sitting meditation, it is solid, with no inside or outside. I do not relegate the term "infinite" or "infinity" to the absolute. I qualify creation, karmic evolution and the infinite as the same thing. Why? Because the absolute has no inside or outside; it has never begun. There is nothing to know; knowledge in terms of the all-at-once is simply an impersonal intent, selflessly so, empty yet void of emptiness, awake. I waited until now to express observations relative to conscious awareness because one needs to differentiate between spiritual non-psychological awareness and conscious awareness constituting the psychological apparatus of the being that is going to die. In terms of creation and the created, including the individual and its personality-consciousness, there is nothing "in it". Being no different that the nature of enlightenment, it is wholly illusion, utter illusion, magnificent illusion, world and universe-creating illusion. Ultimately, nothing at all is happening. In other words, illusion is not happening to the individual at all because the whole of creation is the complete totality of each individual. I say that the mystery is not the Absolute— it is uncreated; the mystery is Creation. There is only one thing to do if you have the audacity to explore the grand mystery of mysteries— And I'm sorry if it sounds hocus-pocus, but Reality is neither created nor un-created. It is possible to work with Reality directly with no intermediary by seeing through phenomena without denying its characteristics. Creation is where you do it; there is no other place. Buddhism calls that which is neither created nor absolute Suchness. The hallucination looks the same whether one is deluded or illuminated because the extremes of clinging or aversion to temporal incremental inevitability and clinging or aversion to the absolute enlightening nature are BOTH delusion. That's why buddhism calls the middle way the Supreme Vehicle of buddhas. So the hallucination is all there is to work with in terms of enlightening activity in the world. Ordinary people go along with the flow of the light of creation in terms of karmic evolution for infinitely endless cycles of bondage and those who see reality without clinging to either extreme follow the same light in reverse to its source. Actually, in terms of karma you move because there is change. Those who follow the light in reverse are the same as the nature of awareness, unmoving and uncreated in terms of their innate enlightening function in the midst of everyday ordinary situations. Where else would enlightening activity take place? There is actually a device of sorts involved in going one way or the other. It is called selfless open sincere intent. I mentioned the absolute aspect of this quality of mind six paragraphs above. In a nutshell, recognizing this quality of mind enables one to transcend the vagaries of ordinary situations without deliberation in terms of right and wrong, self and other, and even before and after. These are the irrelevant aspects of what constitutes basic hang-ups. Shit happens. It is not only necessary to deal with shit effectively— dealing with shit is how you actually evolve as an enlightening being. No shit. Finding reality in the midst of shit is a subtlety of advanced practice. Enlightenment isn't a thing to get. The sudden is just a passing result of the consequential enlightening activity effected in the course of working directly with potential in the midst of situations by virtue of the device I mentioned. That which aids one in using shit without employing deliberation is this open sincere intent. Why? Open sincerity is selfless; it just doesn't care. It's another name for impersonal compassion that just gets shit done according to the time. I call it ruthless compassion. How else would it be possible to kill a buddha? The buddha is your own mind right now. Can you kill it? The only place to get shit done is in the midst of this grand illusion. Manifestation doesn't happen in the mind— it is Mind. There is no reason. ed note: typos/gramar in 7th paragraph; then add this and that here and there; more dang typos in 9th paragraph!!

In my definition, reality is seen by the mind that does not think— it doesn't think, it's just awake. Its knowledge is immediate, as in knowing whether water tastes cold or not without deliberation. That's what knows. Actually, it's who knows. Who is that? It's just selfless awareness, your own mind right now. It's not just that non-discursive mind sees reality— it alone is what is reality. I can say that! When oneself partakes of reality, then one sees reality. It's not good or bad, it's just what is, and you can see it as it really is without discriminatory psychological projections. Reality is spiritual; it is non-psychological. In my experience, reality looks exactly the same as delusion. So reality is not appearances, and though it is subtle to discern, there is no difficulty or deliberation required— that is, it is not attributable to thinking. Also, reality is not different than delusion. If not for delusion, there is no way to see reality. That's not philosophy— this world is inconceivable, and so are people. Being happily bound by the human mentality is just a reflection of habit-energy (thought). In Faceless' last line: Being bound, happily or not, is not what is known as liberation. Liberation is seeing what is, as it is, without deliberation— that is, non-discursively or non-psychologically. So the nature of reality is …what? Even better, since reality can actually be seen, not explained, in the midst of everyday ordinary situations, what is the point of so-called spiritual practice? I can say that so-called effective spiritual practice is that which results in the cessation of habit-energy. Habit energy is kinetic; it has momentum. What is the result of cessation of habit-energy? Spontaneity; presence; enlightening activity that responds impersonally to inevitability without relying on one's own power. How? It's spontaneous impersonal response to conditions by virtue of non-psychologically aware presence. Buddhism calls this spiritual adaption, or mutual response, or arrow-points meeting, or box and cover fitting. One's personal self is not separate from situations, as the potential for spiritual response is inherent in the situation itself— therefore, one does not rely on one's own power to meet creation due to its (creation's) inherent latent spiritual potential if you can see it. It's the meaning of non-doing. Non-doing in response to situations is authentic spiritual practice. Renunciatory and remedial programs are not quite on par with enlightening activity, but we all have our parts to carry out— in concert. The reason why it is essential to wonder what the nature of reality is, as Faceless has articulated, is to bring its inconceivable potential into one's sphere of attention— and that is a matter of will, or intent. Even the Absolute, which is prior to the primal organization constituting incrementality, or process-oriented causation, is an impersonal, selflessly aware intent. Intent is an extremely powerful, if subtle, innate aspect of humanity. It eventually enables people to enter the inconceivable; the Causeless. I would say, beyond any speculation, that in terms of humanity's potential for reversion to, and actualization of, its innate spiritual, non-psychological capacity (which ego is best-suited to serve without peer), is a burgeoning sense of openly sincere objectless intent, as the most direct path to realizing the nature of reality, which must first be recognized, and only then (eventually) harmonized with conditions spontaneously after a maturation process requiring the individual to withdraw from conventional activity in a discrete and subtle way without shrinking from society. The nature of reality isn't a thing. The Absolute is all-at-once; Duality is incremental; they are not different, nor are they the same. Buddhism calls this Suchness. Adepts are able to see reality in the midst of delusion and have developed the "skill" necessary to operate within the context of delusion without going along with creation in such a way as to give karma its due while they "steal" its potential to develop inconceivable awareness for the benefit of oneself and others.. Why? Obviously it's not about good or bad, self, other, or before or after— it's about using potential for self-refinement. To be sure, self-refinement isn't about good and bad, right and wrong. Enlightenment is just a sign-post on the endless path of perpetual transformations entering into the profound mystery without end. For those who seek within the clarity of spiritual potential, there is only wonder. It's not particularly easy or difficult.

Enlightenment is so before the first thought— it doesn't exist after the first thought, I assure you— hahahhaa!! If it's you experiencing "enlightenment"— it's not enlightenment. If the experience is utterly impersonal~ then there's potential for refinement. I also assure you that enlightening experience is a cosmic reversion to who you are really is, which is not the person. Is that wonderful? Not yet. This thread becoming a discussion of drug-aids's validity for spiritual/awareness evolution works fine… enlightening experience is no different— and that goes for how any benefit is to be realized in terms of an experientially transcendent event's aftermath (which is the OP's stated concern). If you think that psychedelics can give you mental baggage… delusion does not miraculously go away after any kind of experience (someone wanted to make a distinction between experience and one's "state" of mind. One's life, not to mention this universe, is impermanent— and it's hardly worth splitting a hair's difference between the two in that regard. Enlightenment is a HUGE dose of what one's inconceivable nature is. D'ya think experiential knowledge of the absence of nothing is a trifle to get over? The point is, mind is one; enlightened or deluded. Obviously, it's a real challenge for most everybody to just forget to think. That, essentially, is what constitutes seeing one's nature (forgetting thought). Thought is itself what constitutes ego and the whole cluster of psychic patterns constituting the psychological apparatus of the being that is going to die. That's all it amounts to. Drug use can help, yes— but not without the right approach, which is different for each individual. Some don't need it, and others should absolutely defer. Otherwise, there really is a benefit to a proper introduction for employing effective drug usage when psychotropics are taken at the right time for the right reason by certain people. But there is this thing called topic drift, so in getting back to what the above post touched on… As Simon said (heehee), in his last line, when you see that there is no thing (matter)~ then what's the matter? Knowing that is liberation. It's real. Contemplating, or just accepting Simon's no enlightenment is fine as an intellectual abstract, but there really is a point of illumination. Being jerked around by psychotropics, even if by chance one IS jolted out of one's mind (in the most beneficial way) to trigger a mystic vision beyond the self-referenced to arrive at seeing one's impersonal, inconceivable nature— is beyond a meaningless waste unless it can be beneficially incorporated into one's life. If one is not ready to harness one's innate inconceivable potential in a VERY real way …which is not so obvious, there will be no benefit. "Enlightenment" is not a kick— something to tick off one's bucket-list. Even those imbued with the secret light of virtuous reception of open sincerity are already practicing the authentic spiritual operations beyond convention without even bothering with concerns about seeing one's nature (with or without the aid of drugs) before sudden enlightenment. Enlightenment is not the deal. It's merely the result of seeing reality as is and adapting to ordinary conditions impersonally. I sense there is a faction on this forum that considers enlightenment a "thing". The potential for enlightenment is what karma is made of. It's not somewhere else. It's not something you get from anything, much less drugs. Situations are already your own mind. It's inconceivable. Wonder of wonders. Buddhism calls this fact the Supreme Vehicle of buddhas~ it's not within the capacity of hipsters with a penchant to employ ultimate ambitions for unconventional kicks to enter into. Yet one must be prepared somehow. As if. I would suggest cultivating a sense of wonder imbued with beatitude. How might one come to such a "state"? It's called self-refinement. Self-refinement has nothing to do with good or bad, right or wrong, before or after~ it's a matter of open sincerity. At any rate, Smileyone said, speaking of ingesting drugs: I must disagree with this absolutely fallacious statement at the first word— and there is nothing I could possibly add to that. I've already addressed the last sentence in the above quote. As for "…but it rarely stays with you.", this is the concern of the OP— and a wonderful insight! This is also a key point of contemplation for authentic practice to arrive at the production of the flowering of potential in the midst of ordinary situations that only you can know. People who have not seen their nature rarely conceive of the thought that others can, have, and will see Reality beyond any self-reified conditionality and apply that real knowledge to everyday ordinary situations unbeknownst to anyone. Secret practice by the light of true potential is inconceivable practice, based on Reality. It is not a matter of psychologically perceived postures in terms of conventions of good and bad. Take drugs, then forget drugs. They will never help you get anything of lasting value. Enlightenment is no different: see your nature on your own (because there is nothing to be transmitted being that essence is literally no-thing), then profoundly seek instruction on how to apply its potential. Trying to hang on to any experience, or state, for that matter, is CLINGING. Clinging to an hallucination (be that of a temporal or even absolute nature), is ALREADY delusion. Yet delusion, this one thing (creation) right here and now, is all there is to work with, in terms of enlightening activity. This is the work of buddhas, and there is no one here who is not already a buddha where he or she stands AS IS. Enlightenment is what is reading these words right now. Of course, if you do not have enough power to see it, there is no benefit— yet it is so whether one knows it or not. Clinging is a mental disease that only serves to strengthen the delusion of having a self. The essential definition of the word delusion is being ignorant of the fact of one's ignorance. Yet the knowledge of one's state of true ignorance (not-knowing) is enlightenment. Enlightenment isn't the mystery— creation is the mystery!! The point of really experiencing the inconceivability of the nature of the absolute is to see who you really are as who you really are: it's not you. So who is the knowledge? Awareness is the nature of the selfless. Awake is what is inconceivably so. Enlightenment is actually none other than your essential nature right now— it is unborn; death doesn't exist either. Simon's statement encompasses the idea of the riddle; I don't have the gift of simplicity-- but I go much further in terms of approaching its application —that's my deal. Experience of the absolute is not permanent relative to created karmic evolution in practical mnemonic terms by the individual, but for those who are blessed with inconceivable wonder and begin to enter into its light, living and aware— even as other vie for experiential proofs for the sake of adventure, endless selfless transformations in the midst of karmic bondage are the norm, independent of any instantaneous flash of absolute reality. Some are born knowing. Yet a lifetime is not much more than an instantaneous illusional flash of the dregs of created energy, whereas self-refinement is the process of going in reverse. Some call that alchemy. What taoism calls spiritual immortality is a quest through the actualization of a partnership with creation in such a fashion as to use (steal), incrementally, creation's essential potential, bit by bit, by virtue of one's selfless adaption to ordinary situations. It's not good or bad, but just in seeing its potential (and not using it). Buddhism calls this "saving energy". It's the "sparks" of mystical Judaism. There really is something to this enlightenment thing if you know how to not-do it. It's your mind before the first thought— that's what sees Reality. The trick is to see it when it arises spontaneously, whenever that may occur, over and over and over, until its source becomes stabilized as the world-at-large. Taoism says that "the world is the sage". Reality looks exactly the same as delusion, so it's not a matter of appearances. When you see it, there has never been a context for the OP's concern for gain or loss. ed note: typo in 5th; add the word "usage" in the 6th; "yet" in 21st paragraph

I don't understand the idea of "defeating the ego". It seems that just empowers the ego. For me, it's more about the awareness that the ego exists and is illusionary. And for me, the traditional concept of "understanding" is loaded with ego. This mysterious impersonal infinite consciousness seems beyond the traditional use of "understand". I suppose one could use the term in a novel way, yet at that point I'd prefer to use a new term to avoid confusion.

I can't recognize, how much of me is actually in the yellow stage. I'm usually very impersonal, not as in concentrating on others, but separating 'me' from my thoughts, and contemplating a lot about a number of things. I went through both orange and green, when I was in middle school. Green was the most prominent phase of my life, which spanned almost 2-3 years . But now, I feel like as if my orange and green parts have become more subconscious ( Influencing my feelings, thought pattern starters, etc.) But are still a big part of me ( 1/3rd each). For example, one of my deepest motivations come from excelling at something, and not being the crowd average; I can very easily put myself into someone's shoes, etc. Am I misleading myself at this stage or is this correct, guys?

Well, you have to contemplate the very nature of life to understand this idea of "world peace" and "no more evil". Consider that to be alive one must destroy and kill. At the most fundamental level, life needs to take energy from other life in order to live because it is one, and so cannot get energy elsewhere. Even if you somehow miraculously made every human a sage, all those sages would still need to kill to live. Even if they all became vegans, human cities still kill millions of animals just with their footprint alone. So this "world peace" wouldn't really be world peace, it would be peace for 1 species out of millions of other species. The only way you could call it "peace" is by saying "no other being's suffering matters but humans". Which wouldn't be a very sage-like position. The true sage understands that suffering, inequality, death, and "evil" are absolutely necessary, making his peace with that fact, rather than trying to turn the world into a hippie Care Bear kingdom, where nobody's farts stink. Reality is brutal and impersonal. It will find ways to fuck your peace. What happens when robots rise up and exterminate mankind the same way mankind exterminates ants? Will you be at peace with that? It sure will be peaceful when all the humans are dead and AIs of much higher consciousness are running the show. But my guess is, humans won't think of that as "world peace", they will think if it as the greatest evil.

Yes, but that's what I mean. In my understanding, the illusionist is impersonal awareness. How can something impersonal be alone? Isn't the aloneness factor a dimension added by individuality? What I'm saying is there needs to be an "I" for loneliness and aloneness. Otherwise to whom are these attributes pointing to? There's no one there. The illusionist is not an entity, as my investigation is leading me to believe. To explain what I mean even simpler: Aloneness and Loneliness mean: I + no-one else. If there is no "I", this is nonsensical.

Combine mindfulness with Self-enquiry. Otherwise perceptions will be tainted by the colour of identification. The impersonal mind will get you to the Truth. Also this should be helpful.

Interesting. There seems to be something here that is blocking your realisation. There seems to be a belief that awareness (the attributeless impersonal no-self) cannot know itself by being itself in it's purest. That it can only do it through appearing as sense perceptions (stuff) first. This is because you're indeed looking in the wrong direction. This is still content in the formless. That field of impersonal aware blankness is infinitely greater than the bodymind - the believed doer of the inquiry, so it can't be understood by mind, which you Still seem to be trying to do. Surrender, acceptance, practice. See everything as it is in your next meditation. Don't refer to past - this means that all you should be left with is the image of blackness, the sounds present, the feelings present and the sense of I am. Now defocus froma any of these objects and just Be the space for them. Allow the awakening. Feel yourself as That vastness. If the mind is looking it will look like nothingness, so only the objects will be seen. Mind needs to land on objects to know itself, unlike awareness.

I think that this excerpt from The Impersonal Life might help you with your struggle. Relax yourself, take a few deep breaths and read it with open mind. The I in this text is your Enlightened, Impersonal Self, the Real You. BTW I find this book a real goldmine for self-inquiry topics.

@Joseph Maynor There is no one with a "higher Awareness", dear Joseph. Awareness is the father of all living entities. What Many however fail to see because of their poor unstable intellect is That Awareness is The only living ONE. You my friend do not have "another Awareness" then any other entity. Awareness is the all pervading sun That shines through and controles all living entities. By Him you forget, remember and get knowledge. So, You and any other is at its root already enlightened which is the primal core. We Therefore speak only of cloudedness That has the root Lust, or can be called: impure desires. And we speak of those who are free from bondage and are thus cloudless. Both are however sharing the same Awareness. Depending upon ones state one sees the living one in all and all within the self, or one sees different awarenesses. Far less understand Awareness to be personified. Awareness is an universal form or impersonal form of the Personified Living ONE. In other words the father, Awareness or God, is a person. Only those in devotional service will be able to understand Awareness personified. Which can be attained by pointing all senses including the mind at the Living ONE performing service according religious principles (yoga). Over time all cloudedness will be gone by the grace of the Living ONE. Thus, Awareness can be defined by Many names such as: God, Living ONE, one with Many Eyes, the controller of all, the ONE without cause, all attractive one, one who knows no equal or greater, the one dweilling in all without attachments, the personified One, etc. Ahayah Ashar Ahayah Joseph. Chant and be free!

@Socrates Reality has no substance my friend. It is the Only Living substance by what is apart from it is nothing at all. Reality is the most subtle of subtle which is the source, sustainer and cause of all causes. Reality is the alpha and the omega the truth and the light. Reality is The Living ONE situated in all hearts as ONE. Reality is but an impersonal name for You, or You That is personified- seen in a universal form which is the ONE controller over all living entities. Reality = Living ONE. Ahayah Ashar Ahayah Socrates. Chant and be free!

Different tratiotions view this differently, so there are no objective answer. Buddha thought enlightenment as consisting of four stages where reaching each stage gives a direct glimse of emptiness, and leads to a permanent shift of the mind. He allso taught that insight into non-self is just one of the three fundamental insights into the nature of reality (along with nonsatisfacoriness and impermanence) required for enlightenment. Geffory Martin has performed depth interviews with 1000s of contemplatives from most major contemplative traditions, who are viewed as highly realized within their own respective tradition. His conclusion is that there are roughly four different categories of cognitive/phenomenological shifts that practitioners can experience, depending on the methods used. These include shifts in sense of self, emotions, thought paterns etc. All of these can be viewed as "enlightenment" / the ultimate spiritual goal from various contemplative traditions. F.i, in the christian/bramanistic mystical traditions the endpoint is a sense of unity with gods love/allness, which is stage three in Martins scheme. In Buddhism the endpoint is eradication of the sense of there being a Self (There is no core in your mind that is "me". Our mind is just some kind of hierarchi of partialy cooperating, partialy competing mental processes that produce mental phenomena that constantly apear and disapear in a field of awareness, which is also not "you", but just another impersonal mental mechanism/aggregate), combined with insight into impermanence and dissatisfactoriness.

Your paradigm. The only one that truly matters. It's a bit counter-intuitive. All truth is internal not external, personal not impersonal. Physics, or any conceptual body of knowledge for that matter, only matters to the extent that it matters to you. To the extent that you can take those insights and weave them into your ever-evolving worldview, that's what matters. Much of what we learn dies away. It's what we keep that is important. And that always comes back to your paradigm. That toolkit of concepts, heuristics, and expectations that you carry around with you and actually work with on a daily basis. What's in there? How can you improve it? How can exposure to Leo's ideas help you to improve that toolkit? Conversely, how can that bum on the street that tried to hustle money off you help you improve that toolkit? See, it's all you optimizing your knowledge grab-bag, your toolkit. It's all about your paradigm and taking responsibility for improving it, for honing it. It's all about what does this information do for you that is the relevant issue. Always. And then when you get a broad paradigm built, you might be so abundant that you condescend to advise others, because you've likely made every mistake in the book by that point and want to reduce suffering of others. This is, in part, what makes person want to be a philosopher or teacher or guru or whatever you want to call it. Mastery of that knowledge grab-bag and seeing that worldview for what it is. Nice! I got away with using a sentence fragment there.

Okay a little soon for an update but hey I have a bit of time now. So today so far I remained I would say 70-75% aware. I had many things to take care of so my main focus was the task at hand, but when an emotion arose I stopped and increased awareness to 100%. I notice that it is the smallest triggers that create a snowball such a large emotional reaction. The biggest issue today was my ego leaving the present to push me to the future to rush through what I am presently doing. The ego leaving like that creates anxiety, frustration and an inability to focus. This I noticed would cause me to become frustrated at small things in the present that are not going perfectly, which I noticed in the past create a mental disconnect which causes mistakes to happen. So yesterday I didnt make much of an effort to remain aware. I just kind of winged it like I usually have in the past. I never really saw a need for further awareness because I had defeated the flaws in my personality to control perceived negative emotions. Now I realize that I can't really have too much awareness. I know that I need to further my consciousness as the universe never really allows me to settle with what I have. I noticed yesterday from the lack of effort. I really didnt have a great day. I was exhausted and a bit neurotic. Comparing yesterday to Monday is like day and night. Monday was amazing, beautiful, full of life and love. I must keep going to realize the differences of no progression and progression. I am now getting ready to work. This I feel will be a challenge. Edit Today has been interesting. I challenged myself at the beginning of today to keep my awareness and to have fun with the challenge of staying awake. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was soothing almost. Like everything is going to be okay because your hero is here, and nothing can go wrong now. I like this feeling. During meditation I was able to glimpse the beauty of the universe. But when it came to making it a part of me it was never a part fully. Because I would meditate and stop. It truly has been an extreme boost to my consciousness evolution to understand the importance of this full awareness. Another thing I would like to add. I know this sounds crazy, but now that I am being more aware. I am getting the feeling of being watched a lot. But not like some one is watching.... More like something? Like the world around me is watching me more and responding to my change in awareness. This is just a physical sensation that I keep getting so who knows! Another thing I have gathered today is that.... I work with people over the phone. I used to hate it because its so impersonal and I do talk to a lot of people. Its emotionally draining. Or it was? Turns out with awareness its actually empowering in a way. But anyways... When I interact with people I feel very connected to them with this heightened awareness. Like I hear their voice and instantly feel how they are feeling, respond in a way that somehow brings them to a good energy helps them remember the beauty of the world if not for a moment. What I am observing brings something I learned about years ago (isnt that always the case with this work lol). Anyways, it brings back something that really resonated with me. Service to self or service to others. This theory is basically that when you are constantly trying to take take take, the universe responds with resistance. But when you are giving giving giving... The universe changes and responds with an abundant world. Its the whole fractal thing. The way you see things is how they become, we are but living beings in a fractal universe reflecting our consciousness right back at us. This is what I believe from my research anyways. So. I couldn't comprehend this giving. Not really. I was resistant, I would force, frustration would result and repeat. I came from a very dog eat dog family, mindset, world. This is why I only recently realized how amazing cooking is. If you really break cooking down. Its a very loving giving thing. You are taking pain away from others. You are nourishing their life, their happiness.. Giving them time to do other things they would rather do instead of cook. This to me is an ultimate service to others thing. Its funny because in my family cooking was never special, it sucked, it was a huge inconvenience and it often led to a fight on who would cook. Subconsciously this actually led to severe anxiety when thinking about cooking, cooking, washing dishes, looking for recipes to cook, grocery shopping. Once I became aware this previously scarred activity became nothing, I wouldnt get anxiety but I never wanted to cook. Because a tiny tiny part of me still resisted. Not until full awareness came did I realize this resistance and put the whole puzzle together. Its a silly thing. But that is what we are, we get a microscopic resistance and it snowballs into a monster in my life. I believe the path of awareness is us literally decreasing the tolerance we have for these negative influences over and over till we realize happiness resides within the awareness itself. Today has been a good day. One thing I want to make sure I have stressed is that because I have changed today, the world changed how it approaches me. I talk to people from all over the world. My consciousness somehow changed how they approach me. What I do is fast paced and stressful, yet I am almost finished and I am not exhausted. From a high awareness great day on Monday, to a exhausting no awareness Tuesday, to a high awareness no exhaustion Wednesday... Interesting.

@Joseph Maynor It's like asking ocean if it believes it 'creates' waves. The Absolute is impersonal and doesn't have beliefs. All that can be said is what's happening is a mystery and 'we' are on a wild ride. Good luck to all of 'us'

God (Isvara- In Vedanta) is a personification of the impersonal "dharma field" (the manifest universe). Isvara is the creator-sustainer-destroyer of all of manifestation, which governs the physical, psychological, moral/ethical laws, as well as dishing out cause and effect relating to karma (action). Isvara came into being by a power within pure awareness itself called Maya, which created the illusion or appearance of the phenomenal world.

Don't worry. You can always find ways to resolve emotional issues even if they are established in childhood. So, it can get better. One thing that's helped me is to recognize that I'm just part of an impersonal pattern. So, my issues were mainly with my mom, and I've carried a lot of anger toward her. However, I see now that she really didn't see herself as being in the wrong and even was able to convince herself that she has the best intentions for me. I also see that she is the way she is due to her upbringing, and that my grandparents are the way they are due to their upbringing, and so on and so on. Most people don't do intentionally malicious things. So, in seeing this, it's easier to give forgiveness on this level. Once you've let go to a certain degree, you can start to face the emotions head on with awareness. If you focus on how the body and mind work together to create the experience of trauma, you'll get new insights into why the trauma reaction is so tenacious in the first place. If you focus on the emotional reactions that arise in the body with full awareness, it will enable you to process through the most negative stored emotions.

Hey -- What you have is a great vision, and who's to say it will stop there? We never "arrive", anyways." Go as far as you can see, and when you see farther, go farther" (or something like that). They say that when humans try to conceive of themselves being 10+ years older, the part of their brain that activates is the same part that conceives of a stranger. Even thinking of ourselves 5 years ahead makes us feel detached and impersonal subconsciously, so it's really hard to set meaningful goals beyond a certain point. And by changing yourself into a more conscious person, you will change the world. Think of the impact it will have on your friends and family to see this radical transformation: from no degree to degree, to being fit and healthy, fulfilling career... etc. Finding your Life Purpose will also change the world - Leo has a whole course on it Best of luck! Saba

Look at experience really closely. Forget the extraneous concepts and loaded meanings of words like awareness, which have about 6 or 7 different meanings, most of which suggest that something is aware of something else. This creates a ton of space for the self to pick and choose which one suits is, but the word or meaning that one seems to attach to the meaning is missing what is being pointed to. It creates discussions that feel important, but generally devolve into people asserting whose meaning of awareness is correct. The reason the word is used is just to express what is absolutely indescribable. Is it your experience that you control your thoughts? When you look at it, Do you honestly know what your next thought will be? If you look honestly, past the surface level. you will see that thoughts just pop up from absolute nothing. They appear. It may seem that they are willed, but generally they just appear when something needs to be explained or understood. They are mental interpretations that just happen to explain what is whether that is a problem, an emotion, or another thought. There is 0 control over what happens, and there is zero control over the mental interpretation that tries to make a conceptual model to explain what is happening. In my experience, when the feeling of control fell away when thoughts were watched, it was seen that if thoughts appear from nothing, then there cant be any free will, because the genesis of any intention or decision is an idea or thought, or at least I thought that. Really things just happen, but either way, its the same thing. What does a decision look like for you? When does the decision happen, and when does the thinking happen. In my experience, Observation showed that although I originally thought that thinking preceded a thought, actually a more honest answer is that there would be a decision, and then thinking would happen in the form of rationalization. This means the mind would start creating stories to explain what was decided. First there would be a story that made sense to the self, then there would be stories created for other individuals. It is like the self making a story based on the model it has of other peoples models. It wants the perfect story to explain the decision so that it can deliver the right story to each person so that it might make sense of whats happening. Then I thought, well, what about the times where it seems that I am thinking and then coming to a decision? But again, thoughts just appear. They do not belong to the self. So either way, there is a decision and thoughts which both arise from nothing. The order doesn't even matter. If mental activity just appears in the conscious mind, there is no meaningful choice. It's a complete and utter illusion The best saying that I have heard is: "A man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills." I don't know how anyone can argue with that, because no one can control the thoughts that appear in consciousness. People will argue with it, because it's not a very happy thing for the self, or maybe it doesn't fit in with other concepts that are held, but the thing is that reality or what happens doesn't give a fuck about conceptual understanding or a self's attempt to project its thought onto what is. How could it? The thoughts are actually a part of reality, they occur inside of it, and they are abstract. Therefore thoughts themselves are not reality (no matter how much the self wishes that to be true). It is completely impersonal and totally intimate. This is why it is important to remember that a contradiction between what meaning is assigned to concept in ones mind vs. what is being pointed to does not mean that something is wrong. Reality is totally unknowable. It exists outside of concepts. It is only a thought (the self) that is trying to lock it down into the known that causes contradiction. This is pretty simplistic as an explanation, and I'm not saying that conceptual understanding is bad, but just advising some caution. This is especially so when the subject is something as fundamental as free agency. Just look really closely and honestly at your experience. Reality and being is where some of the answers can be supplied.

The minute a person thinks that life is happening to them, a victim is born. Reality is impersonal, it just happens as it does regardless of what is believed about it. The great news is that you are the untouchable canvass that provides the space for it to happen. Nothing has ever happened to you, that is the misunderstanding that I struggled with. The self thought thinks that reality is happening to it, but that thought is just another thing happening. Self loves to be a victim because it hides the truth. All of these thoughts, and every other sensation is constantly changing and morphing, but there is one things that is always constant. Just do your best to abide in what is always present, and has never been touched by anything arising. For me, it was all about dis-identifying with thoughts by watching them and recognizing that I had no control over them, and they couldn't be what I am. For me, the moment I truly saw that thoughts are not in my control, and that the feeling that I am controlling them was a farce, It all began to fade. There was a short time of depression, but then I realized that if this was the case, it had always been this way, and so there was nothing to be upset about. Really watch and be attentive to thoughts and decisions. Every answer you need is contained in those experiences. A lot of enlightenment stuff is said to be mystical and amazing, but the thing is that this can be a huge distraction. The base of it from this perspective is simply watching and being attentive to thought processes, and then it falls into place. Just keep working at it, and don't let thoughts scare you off. Some may not agree, but I can only speak from my experience, and the labyrinth of mind is often contradictory. Stick with it.