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On top of this, I see crazy levels of benefit in Shinzen's visual field techniques you can utilize in daily life. In Culadasa's term, he is stabilizing attention on the visual field (or letting it move around) while developing introspective awareness of sensations and mental states. The exact skills you need to maintain mindfulness in daily life. Even when the attention constantly moves around in daily life; that introspective of awareness of sensations and feelings are maintained and tied into the understanding of no-self, impermanence and suffering. This transformation is slowly but surely understood. Getting a little taste of all 3 characteristics while eyes open in the world absolutely transforms many assumptions and starts a new tier of spiritual development. So regardless of skill, doing almost any visual field technique is extremely important. Especially for us westerners who don't spend 12 hours eyes closed to develop introspective awareness.

@thisintegrated Nah Leo is INTP af bro wtf you mean. Alright, just playing, I know what you mean. In more recent times he appears far more stern and rigid. But if you traced the timeline of Leo though, and looked at all his videos and posts throughout the years, you'd see he's very broad in his scope. He goes from topic to topic, domain to domain, trying to connect the dots. His divergence and scope of thinking is very good. I'm an INTP too. But we don't always appear as our baseline types and biology, we have shadows as well, and changes in ourselves when we're in stress. If an INTP enters the shadow zone, they can pull out their ENTJ unconscious. I found the ENTJ in me years ago. But it goes deeper than that. If you dig into your demon function (Fi for intp), you can undergo a demonic transformation/ possession, and find your most unconscious aspects, connected to the collective unconscious. In that extreme case, an INTP would find their ISFP demon. And I most certainly found that demon from extreme stress. It's not healthy to let your unconscious or super ego personas dominate however. -- People have multiple sides to them, with ambiguity which can't be eliminated in the autism of mbti. Mbti is a retarded language game in truth, and if it gets popular, it becomes a stupid ass game of "self-awareness". An identity parasite, and identity becomes this commodity people engage in power games over. There are many stupid games of self-awareness out there (And through this "self-awareness", people pretend to be insightful and reflective, and what emerges is this false multispectivalism, where everyone just refers to their identity constantly and says 0 actual things) I'm in an online friendship circle where people know about mbti, and would you believe the types they were labelling me as! I had one guy call me ISFP because I was always in my feelings (he was trolling me though), I had another person call me INTJ, and then that same person calls me ESTP later down the line. -- If one does wish to do mbti however, I believe the only way it makes sense is to look at someone's baseline/neutral chatacter as how they were when they were a teen or young adult. This would be the starting soil as it were, from which changes then started to happen later.

Mind Control: MK Ultra: In the first place I have to mention MK Ultra. That was the name of the top secret research program carried out by the CIA during the Cold War. The CIA wanted to figure out how to control people's minds—how to mentally manipulate people (for example, to make them commit murder) or kill them without leaving a trace. CIA director Allen Dulles approved the secret project in April 1953. The second goal was the production of biological weapons. There had already been experiments with captured enemy soldiers and spies - now the experiments were carried out on a larger scale. Mind Control via Tavistock and the media : Many of the programming techniques perfected in these experiments are applied through the mass media. Mainstream news, movies, music videos, advertisements and television shows are designed using the most advanced data on human behavior ever compiled. Much of this comes from Monarch programming and other MK-Ultra programs It is about shaping and controlling the behavior of society and the mindsets and attitudes of the population itself. Therefore, they study the reaction patterns of the masses in order to get accurate predictions of future behavior. The average person believes that their opinions, worldviews and decisions are their own because they cannot and will not see the hidden hands of manipulation that shape their beliefs. Almost every major shift in the past hundred years, including music, politics, religion, social reform, and most notably the New Age movement, are undoubtedly facets of a hidden and insidious agenda that stretches back decades. This agenda is based on the fact that an individual will rather be fed and indulge in physical and emotional pleasures than face the truth and question things. It is better to believe a feel-good lie than to question it because it is uncomfortable and exhausting and requires the courage to swim against the tide. The Tavistok Institute of Human Realations (TIHR) is the think tank that governs all think tanks in the world. There they study the behavior of crowds and how the mass consciousness reacts to and might govern the environment. They call this mass consciousness swarm intelligence . So the individual will always follow the swarm. The programming of this mass consciousness happens primarily through the mass media. Through this one can reach all people. The committee has managed to control all major media areas. It can determine their content and filter out anything disruptive.Only what is useful to the committee is reported, and "outside the box" and other opinions are censored and removed by the big tech companies (Amazon, Apple, Google, Facebook and Microsoft). Even the most respected greats in all fields of science are muzzled and even undeniable facts are twisted or erased. Never before has the power of the mass media been shown to us so clearly as in this time of the plandemic . The trick is simple: the media need only repeat the same simple lies in all areas and allow no other statements and the population will undoubtedly believe them. In this way, lies acquire an irresistible aura of credibility. The Tavistock researchers found that when they use a variety of information sources, with messages that are slightly varied, there can be no sense of external control. This content needs to be made entertaining and engaging in some way, giving people the impression that they always have a choice between different news and sources, when it's always the same information that's being disseminated in a different guise (illusion of choice). The Tavistock network is global. It extends to the most important universities and commissions, such as the US Air Force Intelligence, Mont Pelerin Society, Trilateral Commission, the Ditchley Foundation and the Club of Rome. The above-mentioned goals of the committee were all worked out here. The goal of this network is the total transformation of society into a 2-class society of slaves and rulers. This is done through the staging of shock and chaos and the constant unconscious manipulation of values. With a budget of around USD 6 billion, it consists of 10 institutions, 400 subsidiaries and 3,000 working groups. Secretly, Tavistock runs powerful multinational corporations like the Rand Corp. (media, politics, commerce, health, education, defense), the Miter Corp . (defense, revenue, national security), the Stanford and Hudson Institutes , Institute for policy studies , Institute for the Future , National Training Laboratories, Brookings Institution , Plan and Research Corporation , International Institute for Applied Behavioral Sciences and of course the Council on Foreign Relations among others "Without Tavistock there would have been no World Wars I and II, the Bolshevik Revolution, the Korean, Vietnam, Serbia and Iraq wars." - John Coleman. The 10 strategies of manipulation: The well-known linguist Avram Noam Chomsky has described 10 strategies that Tavistock uses to manipulate society. I've added a few more: 1. Reverse Attention: The key element of controlling society is to divert the public's attention to non-essential events in order to distract them from important information about actual changes by the political and economic governing bodies. Thus, public opinion turns its back on the real problems of society, sprinkled and distracted by unimportant matters. Keep society busy, keep them busy, keep them busy so they don't have time to think about anything, on an animal level. For example with football, series, talk shows, celebrities, drugs, mobile phones, games and above all a 40-hour work week. 2. Create problems and provide the solution: This method is called "problem-reaction-solution". A problem or situation is created to elicit a response from the recipients, who then expect a pre-emptive course of action. Spread violence or incite bloody attacks so that society accepts a tightening of legal norms and laws at the expense of their own freedom. Or create an economic crisis to justify a radical curtailment of basic rights and the dismantling of social services. 3. Stage Changes Down: Gradually shift the boundaries of changes, step by step, year by year. Gradual accustoming to mass surveillance, malicious technology, cashless society, censorship, etc. 4. Postponing change: One must present a change as a "painful imperative" in order for society to allow it to be implemented in the future. Society has the naïve tendency to describe negative changes as "everything will be fine". This strategy gives citizens more time to become aware of the change and transform acceptance into a form of resignation. 5. Speak to the crowd as to little children: Only give arguments that children or people with intellectual disabilities can understand, and use a patronizing tone. Suggest to your listeners that they are little children. Then they will most likely react without criticism. This is how state paternalism works; the state tells you what is true and false and what you can and cannot put into your body. 6. Focus on emotions, not reflection: Use emotions to override common sense. Address the fears and basic needs and describe the danger everyone is in. 7. Try to keep society ignorant: The masses should not be able to see the methods and control techniques. Education should be as simple as possible so that the big picture is not comprehensible. The focus of education should be on individual facts, not on relating all subjects to one another and combining them in an overall concept (the big picture), i.e. only serving the left half of the brain so that the masses remain stupid. 8. Suggest to people that they are weak and helpless: The citizens should be convinced that they cannot see the connections and do not have the necessary specialist knowledge to trust the sole competence of the state. Get them used to reality shows and trivial entertainment. 9. Transform resistance into a feeling of bad conscience: Suggest to people that they are the only ones to blame for their lack of success because of their low intelligence and competence. They alone are to blame for all evil, not the state. Give them the feeling of powerlessness: "I can't do anything about it anyway, what's the point of a person." This leads to depression and a blockade of further action. And without action there is no change! 10. Know people better than they do themselves: At present the committee (Tavistock) knows people better than they know themselves and thus has greater control. 11. Use the instincts to hinder the development of personality: After 90 years of research, Tavistock's most important discovery is about children's sexuality. This has a major impact on personality development. Early sex stimulation produces adults whose emotional development is similar to that of a neurotic child. 12. Keep people in constant stressful situations: Tavistock researchers found that when people were under constant stress, they became increasingly childish and irrational. If only peer pressure becomes great enough, they will then give up all previously held beliefs in order to conform to public opinion. This explains why mainstream media insists so much on sex, violence and fear-inducing messages. We become terrified, submissive children trying to escape the stresses of everyday life through emotional masturbation—TV, radio, CDs, DVDs, movies, and video games. 13. Constantly influence them through the media: Westerners spend about four hours a day, the equivalent of two months a year, or nine years of life, mesmerized by a television, unaware of the effects this activity is having on them. You have almost stopped interacting with friends, neighbors, the community, and even family. She spends her free time in imaginary relationships with fictional characters on screen or mobile. A few US statistics will show us the extent of the phenomenon: 99% of households have at least one television; there are 2.24 TVs per family; the TV stays on 7 hours a day; 66% eat in front of their TV. Addiction starts right after birth, because 30% of children aged 0 to 1 year and 47% of 5 to 8 year olds have televisions in their rooms. A typical US child spends 3.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with a parent but 1680 minutes per week in front of the television. By the time they are 65, most people have seen 2,000,000,000 TV commercials. The entire world population has become addicted to television. It's like an addiction. Without TV and mobile phones, children in particular experience withdrawal symptoms that can be just as serious as those associated with drug or alcohol abuse. Media expert Hal Becker once said: "I know the secret to getting the average American to believe anything I want them to believe. Just let me control the TV…. You show something on TV and it becomes reality. When the world outside the TV contradicts the pictures, people try to change the world to match the pictures on the TV.” Tavistock studied the effects of television on human behavior as early as the 1940s. The researchers discovered that 30 seconds after starting to watch TV, the brain automatically starts generating alpha waves, an altered state of consciousness. The viewer goes into a trance-like mode, a kind of light hypnosis. Her full attention is focused on the screen while ignoring the rest of her surroundings. In this semi-conscious state, they become very vulnerable to the messages contained in the programs, especially the advertisements that are specifically created for that purpose. Television started to become popular in the 1950's and the elite has now accumulated more than 60 years of experience spanning over 3 generations. The results are overwhelming. People are no longer logical because their opinions and ideas come directly from television. The pictures confirm what you hear. This filter of TV opinion is automatically superimposed on their daily reality and they have become passive members of a networked society and can no longer think, speak or write logically. For them, images and knowledge are synonymous. In Europe, the proportion of violence on television is as high as in America. Statistics from 1988 showed that during a week of television viewers witnessed 670 murders, 15 rapes, 848 fights, 419 gunshots or explosions, 11 armed robberies, 8 suicides, 32 kidnappings, 27 scenes of torture, 9 defences, 13 strangulations and 11 scenes of war. And with the modern streaming of films like Netflix, Maxdome, Amazon etc. you can see such violence at any time of the day. 14. Work with the conspiracy theorist's stamp: The think tanks of Tavistock have managed that even the slightest doubt about the narrative spread through all media immediately leads to the stamp of the conspiracy theorist. It's called psychological warfare. Once the stamp is on the forehead, the person has lost all credibility and will not be listened to, or if they are, only to make fun of them. The stamp is also often used to silence people. After all, conspiracy 'theories' are only believed by uneducated idiots and you don't want to be one of them, so you better keep your mouth shut, even if questions come to your mind that the media can't explain. And anyway, if there were, then it would be in the newspaper after all, you get to hear. If you don't stop asking questions, the brainwashed will quickly react aggressively, feeling personally attacked in their identified beliefs. It is purely human that deep-seated, trained beliefs such as "the state only wants what is best for us", "the media always reports neutrally" or "we just have to choose the right party to change something" are difficult to give up and doubt these beliefs are difficult to bear. People just can't imagine being so massively betrayed by the state, even with the evidence in front of them. 15. Use "subliminal messages": The CIA was testing subliminal messages on the US public back in the 1960's. For example, the anthem, which was broadcast on television every day after the end of the broadcast, was provided with subliminal messages such as: TRUST THE US GOVERMENT, GOD IS REAL GOD IS WATCHING, REBELLION WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, OBEY CONSUME OBEY CONSUME. MK ULTRA. MK NAOMI. And that came late at night when most viewers' brains are already in the alpha wave state. Consumer groups and Disney have also used subliminal messages for many decades. 16. Post fake news trolls: In order to discredit the "conspiracy theorists", large agencies commissioned by Tavistock are working to place fake news trolls on the Internet, which will send the "conspiracy theorists" some made-up information that they are then supposed to ridicule. Destroying health and nature: "They" put fluoride in water, aluminum in deodorants, TiO2 in candy, genetically modified organisms (GMOs) in food, spray toxins on plants, feed animals hormones, flour and antibiotics, lower the water table, um Making soda is destroying forests around the world and the entire planet, vaporizing toxic gases into the atmosphere, polluting the seas and oceans with plastic waste and toxins, spraying chemtrails, infusing food with toxins and driving nutritional value to zero, provide medicine that only makes you sicker and ban really healthy remedies, destroy consciousness through constant exposure to radio waves (5G, WLAN), also systematically destroy the psyche through coercion, coercion and constant game and TV consumption, etc.to dumb people down, atrophy their consciousness, reduce their fertility and eliminate as many as possible through disease. Outlook: I am still not at the end of the committee's strategies for bringing about the New World Order. So next time I will talk about the use of biological and DNA weapons, bioengineering, neurochemistry and vaccination. But a clear picture is already emerging of the precision and years of planning with which this goal is being worked on. I hope that this information will help you, dear reader, to finally wake up and become aware of this cruel reality. Because only when we recognize the true reality can we do something about it. And we really have the power to do that. It is only a very small percentage below 1% who want to enslave us. Let's be among the 5% who will wake up the others to overthrow this tyranny.

The bitter truth is that mind and brain is such a complicated system is that their deep transformation requires mindfulness + emotional training + purification + sustained positive feedback loops + holding of clear intentions etc. Now you can try to do all of this process in 30 mins sit daily but that is not realistic when the rest 23 hours of the day is spent in pure unconsciousness of the truth. To make this process work, you commit to hours of deep meditation back to back and actually ENJOY the process of doing so. See, I think we need to step back a bit. People misunderstood the starting point of this article. You can't decide to meditate 4-5 hours both informal and formal continuously in any given day when each time you sit to meditate, your mind feels bored, resistant and unable to figure out how to actually be more conscious aka the natural state of all beginning meditators. The initial challenge is to develop enough consciousness in short bursts of training (30 mins - 1 hour), training attention and awareness to work harmonically, strengthening the ability to stay present and to know the states of the mind (frustration, boredom, joy) and to take correct mental actions with clear intentions to disrupt this habitual cycle. This simple process I've described above is already insane levels of training to your mind, strengthening conscious energy and power even if for mere 15 mins to do continuously. The problem is that you want to do that, but you simply don't have the skills yet to do it. Once your meditations arrive at this quality, you'll have an intuitive feeling along the lines of: 'Wow! Meditation is EXTREMELY healthy for my consciousness. It actually allows me to see consciousness for what it is, reducing self-perception at a greater level each sit. Literally truth is slowly unveiling in each moment at a deeper level. Im also suffering A LOT less and experiencing a LOT more joy and pleasure.' Then you spend some time doing your favourite activities with normal habitual forces (without mindfulness) and then introspect: 'My life is just incomparably better with mindfulness. What the hell was I doing? The obsessive quality of the mind is such a clear roadblock. It is better to integrate more of my formal session quality to cooking, jerking off and watching tv shows' That is where continuous multiple hours a day practice (both formal and informal) will get you to the next tier of development. You can have the same realization as a complete beginner but that won't take hold and signal enough parts of your complicated mind to change your perceptions and attitudes regarding meditation. You will want to love meditation but 95% of your other sub-minds won't be convinced. See, there is no actual alternative here. The alternative is spinning your wheels for 20 years, half assing meditation and literally having close to nothing at the end of those 20 years. Whatever emotional trauma you fear you need to face while committing this training (going on a retreat, disciplining yourself etc) is nothing compared to potentially lost 20 years you could utilize being more conscious of the truth. After a while, zero disciplining of any kind will be necessary. Your mind wont even process information like you used to. Absolute effortlessness will pervade each moment but until then, the so called 'self help' discipline will help you push through certain resistances until they don't. Thats when you make the switch to other methods that are useful and just keep on going. See, this process is fun. Your mind currently struggles so much with 'What the hell should I do in meditation' that you suck out all aspects of interest, joy and curiousity of the training that only pure torture is left. A feeling that your own mind generates and gets in the way of its progress, making the training 100x harder.

Intro #7: I’d like to continue this, I’d like to continue my stance on openness. There are just wavelengths of the heart that I am only just beginning to learn about which are throwing me out a little bit I now know that sometimes I have to get my footing on the steering wheel, seek to understand what is happening internally. It makes me nervous, the ease by which my heart can sway one way and then another in the context of this learning it’s undergoing. As I have mentioned, very seriously, the heart has it’s own decision making process. The heart is the domain of what is referred to or the encompassment of, more the latter actually, the “inner child”, which I have always thought of as an oversimplification, never really understood, though can now breath some oxygen into its life space to bring fluid context to what I believe to be an otherwise rigid belief system bound and interconnecting with a larger set of rigid ideas that are not close enough to the truth. I said earlier that as it concerns the truth and my work here, that I cut right down the middle of reality. While weaving my sword though with my consciousness I had no idea that other phenomenological properties of being were going to come to within me that were going to interrupt my focus and gaze. My wisdom here is that I need to both focus outwardly and inwardly simultaneously. Take more seriously the fact that I am engaging my consciousness in a way that I never had before, that I am purposefully attempting to turn on aspects of myself that I’ve never tried to. I have to expect the unexpected while staying as close as possible to the truth as much as possible while undergoing this process. There’s is no one else that exists in this work other than myself. A solipsistic gaze from a self referential perspective, where in every moment my consciousness feeds me new information, it goes back into the depths and light of my heart, back out my mind and tongue in the form of wisdom. This is after-all outside of finding the truth here wha this project is all about, the discovery of the wisdom of the heart, to always be at the seat of the wisdom of the heart. This is, that truth work. Session: I feel a new plane surfacing in my consciousness, more and more I can feel the depths beneath the words and energy of others and the surface above them the more I see through my own and connect in this alignment between the two hemispheres within. That’s now I now view them by the way. I see the brain as one hemisphere and the heart as the other hemisphere and what I am building in this work is the corpus collossum between them. Underneath the anger of others and my own, I see Rumi and analogous waiting to be unearthed by me. I see the sun shining through the clouds to continue placing me on an upwards trajectory towards a greater light beyond the false architectures that I would otherwise be bound by, that I am forced to have empathy towards others concerning. I have to be prepared to cut vines with others along this path while creating new kinds of vines as I move forward in this journey. Vines that connect us spiritually in ways that is invisible to the projective interface that binds us to our present limitations. So to everyone here, know that there are definite changes that are going to be made now. And no more anger just transformation. That to those who know I love them, changes are occurring this much is definite, that even though this love will remain, I am forced to go by the unity within first and only and to that level, as it has always been. In this sense, to truth of that love first and only as a consequence of that growth. Unity. To everything else, inconsequential to the truest path that must be followed as a consequence of living a life at all. This is, going to be one of the most difficult journeys of my life. As it is the only journey in my life. To live a life solely by the heart or by just what I am building here, is the greatest gift I could ever be given and it is the greatest gift I could slowly give to others the more along this path I go. To truth. To love. To unity of those. Through wisdom (both grown and learned) Holding the steering wheel of this ship… Exit of this Session: To the blackness of the night, usurped by the wondrous sphere of dimension Light enters through the void unspoken by the human spirit Slit veins of memories burst into panoramic visions of the future The safety of connection by the lion The strongest stare, the lightest butterfly touch The swiftest falcon eagle turn, Owls make my life so wise May dragons continue to gaze, outwardly and inwardly through the maze Separated by the incontrovertible proof Of the unity as it takes me through the next roof Of awareness Down the ocean and it’s next waterfall To swim the lagoon with the warmth of love Blackened scars healed, moonshine revealed Wolf howls of truth Unity of wisdom, wisdom of unity Trials and tribulations There is no other echo pushing me forward now For now, the truth of this path is love

@Fernanda Im not saying an insightful experience might not be transformational aswell in its own way. His vision of possiblity will expand and that itself can do alot of healing and clearing out. Im not into the permanent shift yet. Because that would mean real liberation. But, you can experience it surely through a good dose of lsd (or other psychedelic) and listening to what leo said. I experienced it mildly once with weed. The transformation it does is that you become God. Literally. You always were, but now without doubt. You were God doubting God. After ego death, what remains is simply Absolute God, always, forever. You go from little me to Infinite Me. Which is a drastic ridiculous shift in experience. Your whole body, aura, energy and mind will change. If I were into such permanent shift, it would take me at least 6 months or more to even consider coming here to talk to my self. In a practical sense, you will have access to the highest possiblity of experience. Meaning heaven. You literally see everything divided and united at the same time. I guess this is where Leo's video division vs unity come from, which I have not seen. Such Truth itself wont give you any practical utility as you ask. It will just enhance your understanding of reality and with that, you might develop the capacity for doing miracles later if you go into that. But this realization comes with enligthenment, which does make you unstoppable. Self realization will give you clarity, freedom, space and energy. You will be untouched to really live and create what you wish. True power. But, those are just meaningless words. You have to experience it for yourself. And even then, only after the permanent shift will you really know and experiment with such discoveries. I can't describe to you how amazing it feels to experience life from that position. It feels like watching a movie in max resolution in a VIP seat. With no effort you join an existential dance with yourself. You see reality from a micro point of view to a macro. In the past it felt like a macro-micro. Its really a micro-macro where theres really no micro and macro. Do you wanna feel like you are seriously in a dream video game? Thats how it feels. You also feel like you are floating in the center of the universe. And might even see entities all over. Oh and the best part, absolute silence. Its not really a scary experience. Whats scary is when you think you might not go back and are not used to it. Do you fear being alone forever? In such state there is no fear and no loneliness. Its only you with you, everywhere with everything in everyone (oneness). Loneliness is an illusion (belief) of ego. And even then you can still be with "someone" after finding your wholeness. Welcome to the kingdom of GOD

Nice. I would say this was a huge intellectual awakening or insight. If this was your total permanent actual direct experience, trust me you wouldn't be here and you would be completely transformed. I can tell by the way you write, the transformation has not occured fully yet. Your aura would be felt even in text. Its a good preparation for the permanent shift.

Well it depends on how you look at it. Yes the feeling is temporary, but it shows you exactly what is in the way for you to feel this "permanently". I like to see the whole psychedelic trip as a dance. Its not a "one-way" thing, as where you just lay back and receive 100% from the psychedelic. Sure that would be the case for someone who is new to this. But after a while, or even from the beginning, you can get an "understanding" how to work with them. It’s a dance between you and the substance/medicine. You gain permanent changes when you contribute with your 50% and the psychedelic give you the spark or understanding you need to see what you want to remember about yourself (the other 50%) Both during and after the trip. Its also about learning when to lead the dance and when to be led. It’s not at all about control or wanting the trip to go the way you want it to go. That is not how it works. We are Pure Potential. Potential to go further in to sleep and believe our programmings, routines, doubts, fears, anxieties and the issues we feel we have. (But that is just something the identity is stuck to/holding on to.) Or Pure Potential to become the heroes we want to become in our stories, and break free from what we fear and staying in the status quo. If we keep taking psychedelics, surely at some point we would start to understand how this whole thing works, no? I think people who are stuck in the mindset that: "Oh no, if it disappears then it wasn't real" are not really getting the whole picture right. (Not saying that you are like this, just mentioning it) The psychedelic states are a window of time where we see what we truly are (Pure Potential). And if we don't choose to act on the thing we see in the trip. Then it will die out in the water and we won't gain much from it. Then we have to keep going in and remind ourselves more and more, over and over again. Till we get it. We have to CHOOSE to act on what we have been shown. Otherwise it will be lost and not utilized. Yes, precisely so. Its always a choice, but unfortunately or fortunately, depends on how you see it. You have to be willing to let that side of you "die" off, and that is not always easy. Its easy in thought. But if a programming or some thought has been hammered in deep enough, then it will be as if something has grown in to your fiber of being; of your body, flesh or skin, and by removing the side of you that you don't want; you have to be willing to cut in to the good parts of you that are tied in with that side you don't want. But by consciously feeling in to it "dying off" with awareness methods, breathing techniques or Sedona. We can just watch how that fear/pain and letting that programming/identity die off. Feel the pain, but don't be attached and identified with it. Just watch it pass by. Like how the sky/atmosphere is watching dark or light clouds passing by. Ultimately, Everything is Imaginary. That is kinda the toughest pill to swallow (IMO) and its not a one time thing, where we swallow it and it's done forever. It's just tied in with Change and Transformation (changing form, identity, patterns and programmings) Yes and when we realize that our problems were precisely imaginary and just our fear of change; we kind of feel like idiots, and blame ourselves for not being able to see this before. But it’s important not to stay stuck there, just to see it as growth and a learning process, and pick yourself up and keep going. Similarly how a kid learns to walk, it will rise up and fall many times. Hurt its knees and cry of the pain. But at some point it will click and the kid will know how its done. But I think, going through this way, we learn to Appreciate the illusion of life more. And the imaginary aspects of reality. It’s all about seeing things for what they are and making your choice and choose what you want to experience.

Lately, I’ve been feeling so pessimistic about the US ever reaching solid Green or passing any solid Green policies because ever since the dawn of the republic most Americans have always been too proud of its hyper free market system. Progressives since the mid 1900s have always failed with getting any of their policies or ideas come to fruition. I even fear that our country may never go through another major transformation like it did during Jefferson’s era, Jackson’s era, Lincoln’s era, Teddy Roosevelt’s era, Wilson’s era, FDR’s era, Eisenhower's era, JFK/LBJ’s era. Even with someone like who wasn’t able to positively reform the country nearly as much as the above-mentioned presidents we were able to, we may never have another president who was as successful as he was ever again.?

Those people are merely mirroring how you feel about yourself. They are triggering you for you. For you to see and release what's underneath. No one is intentionally disrespecting you and you probably recognize this, yet react emotionally as if it is personal. And also, are you not a people pleaser or are you trying not to be a people pleaser? That's a big difference. If you would be grounded in your own self-love and self-validation, you would never take anything personal. Because you love yourself internally. If you see yourself as a weak unlovable person, you will see signs outside yourself and subconsciously look for signs that validate that feeling you have. I had all of these issues as well, and a lot more. To finally release those issues permanently, you need to spend some years of your life immersing yourself in social interactions to trigger all those parts of yourself that you're suppressing. You need to seek out people that trigger stuff in your body. This can be any contractive emotion. Shame, fear, embarrassment, anger, pride, etc. Go into the world and move in a way that it will have you confront those emotions. Whenever you get triggered, you can welcome courage, acceptance and self-love through your body and if you do this consistently, your body is going to release naturally and remember the lighter state of feeling associated with the trigger, and you'll start to be in this state naturally after a while, but you have to seek tension as a catalyst for the emotions to come to the surface and then do this process of welcoming higher emotions in your body. Without tension, you're not going to be triggered. Meditation, journaling and psychedelics rarely trigger those emotions that underlie your interpersonal blocks. For that you need to move into the world and become exposed to tension. Because that's the nature of your issue. Interpersonal shame. Not feeling good enough in relationship to others. Not feeling included. Isolated. Unloved. lonely.... The more you open your heart, become connected to your stomach, your spine and legs, the more you will feel grounded and open. At first, your triggers will make you want to close down, but you have to gradually bring this warm energy of relaxation and love into the parts you have the vulnerability in. It's really simple: People pleaser and nice guy -> Release reactivity during interactions, have thousands of conversations where you do something egoistical. Release the shame from your body when it comes up when you push the tension by doing something selfish. People will push back on you. Now it's your job to ground any reactivity and to release what comes up. Feel unaccepted in groups -> Seek to connect to people 1-1, 2-1 and 3-1 and move towards bigger groups at sports for example and practice opening, grounding etc. This grounding, openness, lightness, confidence and self-love are the reward of an intense journey. They are things you will embody the more you get triggered and welcome higher emotions. And it will compound. Low tension first, then higher tension. The most important thing to realize is that to embody these above feelings, you need to appreciate that healing is a process of interpersonal mirroring where when you start to internally release your emotions while inside tension, your external reality starts to mirror it and confirm to yourself the process of transformation. And slowly, you start to get on board fully and permanently. You start to see that people love you, feel it, and finally accept and integrate that you are indeed lovable. Your parents didn't make you feel it. So now you have to teach it to yourself. And it's not something that can be done by journaling, meditating, etc. Yes, it all helps and is important. But you really need to step into the triggers heads-on. Through this process, you're releasing attachments and aversions in your body. Things you're not willing to feel.

Part one of my response. Now THIS is a fascinating feeling that I’d love to know all about or simply leave for your own introspection as you please. Some questions for you: What associations tie you to this fear? Are you able to distinguish between those associations and how your parents would legitimately react? I recommend sitting through a simulation within your own mind here. I can recall so many instances where I would generate associations about how not only my parents would react to a situation but how just about anyone would, my parents though possessing variability based on their own unique profile they have of me, which we don’t often think about. For me I’ve sometimes wondered not whether my parents are proud or whether they admire me but what their process is for how they actually conceive of me as an individual and how they relate to me in their minds. This I tell you is a more revelatory approach and it should be, it’s more sophisticated. It will allow you to develop new associations based on understanding how you learn they conceive of you rather than just running off programmed reactions based on reactions they’ve had to you in the past. I recall the stages of transformation I went through from childhood to adulthood regarding how I conceived of how my parents conceived of me and it’s an important but scary process sometimes. To see through our parents eyes the way they conceive of us can just easily make ourselves look down on our parents as much as we may look down on ourselves through that insight, which is why awareness through the exercise is so important. The more aware we can be in all three instances here inclusive of how we ourselves conceive of our parents. The more advanced associations we can build between us and those that exist in our social world with our parents here being no different. It is in the breakdown of associations that have no reality coherence that the fabric of our social interactions breakdown and our interactions become ruled by our projective memories rather than the stillness of the moment and our true devoted understanding of each other. We may find that our parents have a sophisticated comprehension of us which will be to our benefit anyway or what is more likely the case we will find many limitations in their own comprehension and how their own subsequent associations dominate their behaviour towards us rather than our own parental idealism that under proper scrutiny we will have to come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to meet because of the well described limitations that we get better at discerning with prudent and patient diligence. For example, to realise that my father sometimes sees me as the son that used to help him out a lot forces me to see myself through his own submissive lens which corrupts my own sense of character regarding the free agent I have become. To see myself through the eyes of my mother who sees me through the associations she formed with me most as a little boy because this is when she spent the most time with me as opposed to an adolescent means that I have to view myself through in part the infantile lens that my mother can sometimes fall victim to seeing me through because I went to live with my father post the age of 9. So for you here are some further questions: what is the best realistic positive response you can imagine your parents having and what is the worst? what associations build this reaction? In what creative and useful ways ar you able to see new perspective on those associations and change your reaction based on these new perspectives? in what ways do you notice the associations change based on this? what are other personal development areas where you have noticed your parents have a positive reaction vs a negative? Do your best to try and identify for both sides even if it’s not formal personal development for example I’m sure your parents would have encouraged you to learn to transfer from crawling to walking right? At least most of our parents got that aspect of encouragement right!

I would question my own consciousness in the matter before readily assuming being "realized." Is it really true or is it simply a belief, conviction or conclusion? You seem to conflate enlightenment with transformation. Youre also coming from value systems (shoulds and shouldn'ts) and morality, which isn't what the work is about. Be honest. That's what I'm working on and what i recommend you.

Welcome... So this thread won't be anything like my other journal (The Light) where I sorta just implode in my random thoughts and feelings in the most authentic way I know I can. Yeah, this won't be that kinda place for me. Here I'll be logically laying out my experiences and lessons I'm getting from engaging consciously with spirituality. I'll be doing a lot of reflecting and revelation-writing: talking about my awakenings and the most enlightening experiences. Also, the title of this thread is in fact inspired by the work of Shakti Gawain whose book, ‘Living in the Light - A Guide to Personal and Planetary Transformation’, I had quite recently stumbled upon and find myself really resonating with. It's really the most random and yet perfect-timing kind of thing for me to have come across that book, but I won't say too much. So, basically this thread is about the shifting of my view of reality - the way I see the world to be - so maybe just reality itself, into a world of more clarity and more power and more life. I'll be recording my shifts in consciousness, permanent or temporary, and just noting down the impacts like how it's affecting me and how it's reflecting in the way I live my life. So yeah, enjoy.

On the event horizon there will be an emergent unfolding which will be unpredictable in nature. This is a statement I remember Ken Wilber making which is actually my paraphrasing. In the Gurdjieff Teaching ( which is not his personal creation) is the law of Three. Within the enneagram exists a display of the law of three (law of creation). The product of 3 centered awareness (existence) gives rise to a fourth element ,,,, a new arising. The Law of Three Thursday, May 16, 2019 Cynthia Bourgeault, one of our core faculty members and an Episcopal priest, has helped Christianity rediscover the powerful model of the “Law of Three.” This was originally developed by the Armenian-born spiritual teacher G. I. Gurdjieff (1866–1949) who saw it comprising what he called the “Laws of World Creation and World Maintenance.” Based on Trinity as flow and movement, this “law” describes the ways in which different elements work to create change and ongoing evolution. Today I’ll share a brief introduction from Cynthia’s work, but I invite you to read her full book The Holy Trinity and the Law of Three: From a metaphysical standpoint, the Trinity is primarily about process. It encapsulates a paradigm of change and transformation based on an ancient metaphysical principle known as the Law of Three. [The basic foundational principles are:] 1-In every new arising there are three forces involved: affirming, denying, and reconciling. 2-The interweaving of the three produces a fourth in a new dimension. 3-Affirming, denying, and reconciling are not fixed points or permanent essence attributes, but can and do shift and must be discerned situationally. . . . 4-Solutions to impasses or sticking points generally come by learning how to spot and mediate third force, which is present in every situation but generally hidden. . . . Let’s consider a simple example. A seed, as Jesus said, “unless it falls into the ground and dies, remains a single seed.” [John 12:24] If this seed does fall into the ground, it enters a sacred transformative process. Seed, the first or “affirming” force, meets ground, the second or “denying” force (and at that, it has to be moist ground, water being its most critical first component). But even in this encounter, nothing will happen until sunlight, the third or “reconciling” force, enters the equation. Then among the three they generate a sprout, which is the actualization of the possibility latent in the seed—and a whole new “field” of possibility. Actually, the entire Paschal Mystery can be seen to play itself out as a fairly straightforward configuration of the Law of Three. If you assign affirming as Jesus, the human teacher of the path of love; denying as the crucifixion and the forces of hatred driving it; and reconciling as the principle of self-emptying, or kenotic love willingly engaged, then the fourth or new arising, which is inescapably revealed through this weaving, is the Kingdom of Heaven, visibly manifest in the very midst of all the human cruelty and brokenness. https://cac.org/the-law-of-three-2019-05-16/ To know means to know all. Not to know all means not to know. In order to know all, it is only necessary to know a little. But, in order to know this little, it is first necessary to know pretty much. (Gurdjieff) There is an angel within the monkey struggling to get free, and this is what the historical crisis is all about. Terence McKenna

I am interested in hearing more. I guess for me, even if the "life is a dream" paradigm may raise more questions, that doesn't mean I have to reject that paradigm as being a potential possibility. I can see that the creation is slightly different. For the dreamer god, the creation is a dream and imagined with the physical world being dreamed. For the nonduality god, there could still technically be a physical world or it too could be all in the mind. Yes I see that with non-duality, we are the Earth and it really isn't death but rather transformation of the self with the self.

Have not posted on here for a while but I have not been in the best place, feeling better today however. I notice I feel a whole lot worse living up to other people's expectations of you & doing things just to please others. I went to see my Dad over in Ireland, it was nice to talk to him but at the same time I was wasting my days just so I could go back to sleep. I found it uncomfortable being out of my ordinary routine. I am back in the UK now but slowly becoming more conscious of how I am wasting most days.... trying to learn to love & appreciate the present moment of life. My mind always wants to get somewhere instead & not enjoying the experience. I decided to read Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg & going to start small. I really want to change certain routines in my life. I am going to celebrate each habit that I do. I need to journal more so I can express myself more clearly. It feels very hard being stuck in your own thinking. Making a seperate post for the Tiny Habits transformation that I will be doing, I am only 26 & need to think more positively. Not many people my age know about personal development & self transformation. I must think more highly of myself to increase my own self worth & esteem. I try my best & I am not going to be so harsh or self critical for set backs in my life. i must love myself more, I must love others more. The inner critic is hard to deal with but love will heal everything. I have to be more kind towards myself, I don't currently have a career. My financial situation is not the greatest but I am in a first world country & have family around me that love me. I am loved by others but still feel lonely. I need to express self love towards myself. I am in a good position in life & need to stop comparing myself to others. It's all about how you perceive reality.

It was a long post to go through covering different aspects to sex, absolutely deep and profound, kudos @Galyna Sex is not just bodies at play, it’s also an exploration for the mind to the direction of extreme pleasure when mind seeks asylum in the polar opposite in its duality, the physical sensations and emotions are the first thing that meets the eye of an ordinary lusty mind. For the advanced, sex is the whole of infinity what one calls god and other calls nothingness when Masculine hacks and penetrates the feminine essence of absolute beauty and brings her to bloom with ecstasy and shows her the absolute lucidity of truth. it is a transformation for those who understand spirituality and can source connect, the sex is about consciousness and the absolute intelligence manifesting itself to bring creation. God planting itself in the nature of duality creating absolute burst of divine potent energy and unlimited joy. Sex = Source of universe

I've been doing inner work for almost 2 years now with no results should I just take psychedelics to see what happens? I've been doing Transformation Mastery by Julien Blanc which hasn't helped me unfortunately.

Am I deluded? Am I smart? Am I crazy/flippant? Am I Mad? Or am I both? I guess I'm more crazy than I'm mad. ..... Anyway these characters are a Doorway into who I am. Sex can make you tired. Even being horny for long periods of time makes me very tired. That's a huge disadvantage. But it is healing and curative. What turns me on? A guy who tries to steal me. From myself. I'm deeply introverted. And morning I was thinking about how introversion can actually cure me. It is one thing that will help. Being introverted makes me crave intimacy. Because I'm sexually repressed? I kept my feelings hidden for so long in fact I wasn't even in touch with them. I did not even explore my feelings. I always shamed myself for any sexual thoughts. I think a huge part of this reason was my second ex boyfriend Mr Bud. He was notorious. He was a freak. He would show me porn videos that I never liked. ( I have rape fantasies but rape fantasy is just rough sex, being tied up,nothing more) So his stuff was weird. Once he said that he would pass me around and that angered me. I think that's where I stopped talking about sex with him because I saw no point in encouraging sex with him. Probably that created a negative image of Sex in my mind. Bud was an Indian guy and I stopped dating Indian guys at that point. Because I was always "virgin" shamed in these relationships. They wanted me to be sexual but at the same time every time I wanted to open up sexually I was made to feel like a slut. That further repressed me.. Made me feel like I wasn't supposed to talk about sex, it was some kind of a taboo. I remember one day I wore red lipstick while going to the hospital. And Bud was with me and on the way he whispered into my ears, "you look like a whore." I was like wtf. "you shouldn't wear that red lipstick." And I got defiant and told him, "I can do whatever the fuck I want." I broke up with Bud because he was so controlling. He never made me feel sexy Every time I tried to open up sexually with him, he would make it sound like I'm a whore. It was difficult because all I wanted was normal sex that happens between couples. But Bud had no problem talking about gangrape yet I was the whore??? The sexism and hypocrisy was driving me crazy. I had to fight him off.. It was always competitive. He would never fulfill me. He would make it me versus him all the time. Like if I needed sex he would deliberately push me away. It was all about him. I think he became a major source of my sexual anxiety So thanks to Bud, I could never think positive about sex.. The real transformation came with Joseph the American boyfriend. He did it for me. He told me to open up. He told me things he would do to me. Things that Bud never said he would. There was a huge difference. I felt sexually liberated for the first time. I felt powerful. I felt good.. I orgasmed all night with Joseph like almost 3 times in a row. I was drenched wet. Joseph was encouraging me and sexualizing me like sexing me up.. I did not feel bad for being horny or wet. This was the first time. I did not feel guilt or frustration. It was pure surrender and it was soft. I was just laying in bed feeling absolutely taken and owned by Joseph. This was the first time I actually enjoyed the feeling.

@Leo Gura Ok. I will look through your videos on Epistemology. The reason I bring up your story with that person is because some of what you mentioned there lined up with what I have been experiencing lately. As a result of shifting into a nondual place of perception in the past 6 months or so my mind has been at peace and equanimous however it is my body has struggled to keep up with the transformation. Prolonged exhaustion and nausea arise whenever I engage in my usual nondual practices. Do you remember any more of your exchange with this person, and why did their awakening trigger their physiology in such a way?

don't like the title of this journal maybe just Emotional Intelligence Training or something would be better. i like to reframe challenging situations in my life as an emotionally intelligence game. this way, i stop getting overly identified with the problem and i see it more in a neutral-playful way. playing too much chess! i have to diversify my hobbies a bit. i was trying to play checkers online, but almost nobody plays it other things that i thought of doing: - download & play crash bandicoot 3 warped - play (and record) the piano more - express myself artistically (maybe painting) - find a book to read (i will start the book "Speak". it sounds interesting and not too difficult to read) - make 10 minute session of organizing (deliberately short so that i actually do it) - stretching & gentle yoga so things like that. two things that i used to care that now i choose to alienate myself from: politics & soccer. both of which were just pissing me off. reflecting about my experience in this forum it's crazy to think that i use this forum for over 6 years. i went through a big transformation. back in 2016-17, i was in a state of deep confusion, as if i was lost in a dark forest. i thought psychedelics & spirituality were the answer to my problems. nothing could be farther from the truth. >> the freaking power of premium psychotherapy + premium psychiatric sessions is unbelievable << it's really expensive, but it's the best investment i could ever do in my life. i finally feel healthy once again. i feel like my true me again. just working my way up the hierarchy of needs. it's really easy to forget about the foundation and try to reach the top. but without a solid base, everything's gonna fall apart college's been good i've been able to make some friends in my class, which is really important. because if i were to go to the classes just because of the classes per se, then it'd be depressing. in a way, it's good that it took me more years to get into college. i'm 25, and i'm in my second year. i feel much more prepared to go through the college experience. i'm doing it because I want it. not because society tells me so. and also, because my mental health is being taken care of, i can experience the challenges as for what they actually are, and not get amplified by 100x because of depression. there are some other older students in my class but i don't feel like them tbh. i relate much more to the ones that are in their early 20's. but i do like to diversify the groups that i interact with. regarding social groups, i'm polygamic lol. i hope the hybrid modality continues! there's been protests against this. my college basically wants that about half of the course will be through online real-time classes. to me, that's great. i feel no desire to go to the college every single day. i feel like by going there fewer times, when i actually go, the experience is heightened. i hope this doesn't change, because it's been comfortable for me.

Booyaa, another day to grind on it. Yesterday didnt write. Recap. Was very tired following 1st day back to Gym... partial blame going to junk-food diet (I believe gluten comes with a 24-48 hour energy crash... and also smoked a bowl of weed after breakfast... Laid in my van all morning/afternoon, did some calls to get ball rolling on new ID, and a job program, listened to more Dispenza mostly. Bought energy drink after lunch and ibuprofen, which mostly knocked out the exhausted feeling, Doordashed for a few hours. Sticking point : Talking to people and start to internally dwell on conversation points too much. Also getting more into conscious creation of the life I want to live... rewiring brain via doing more what I want to be , and removing actions that I dont want... altogether less procrastination. Sticking Point #2 : Learning to say No to people... definitely people trying to use me from the homeless shelter, like I ghosted the guy wasting my time trying to be my new gym buddy. "I got business to handle" Started several threads , as I am just like "why not spam the forums with questions I want to work on?" Also watched Leo's 1st video in Start Here, really good overview starter video, crazy how I feel like I know 60% of it already, but the thing is *fundamentals* so drilling in the basics irregardless if I know 90% or not... as how can I teach it if I dont know it through and through? Definitely gonna have to add meditation ASAP. Im already getting more clear and crisp feeling, only 5-6 days into starting to turn my life around Adding 20-30 seconds of cold shower to every shower. Havnt updated my journal in a few days on Actualized.org Wrote a post and accidentally deleted it. Went to gym and worked out hard, really helped "dial-in" (effects diminshed after 24-48 hours) Had a guy starting to leech off me, drug me around wasting my time... Gotta work on saying No. (Self-respect, commitments to my other plans, people gotta respect me saying No or kick them out immediately) Smoked weed with that leecher, bought me a gram and started being lazy, reinstalled a game, lost momentum, relapsed into old identity (note to self, keep practicing identity change, it is *not* a one time thing, but an active ongoing process requiring daily commitment) Cut back on people altogether again, maybe its because there is a lingering effect of weed making me like that for up to 3 days after? Will see. Leecher got kicked out of Salv. Army housing and ghosted him. Kinda ghosting everybody (cuz of weed's effect) Been wasting a lot of time throughout the day... doing some doordash in morning , lying around most of afternoon and evening.. Seems like life is an *energy game* , mylenating neuron pathways through repetition, body prefers using less energy and defaulting back to old habits... Felt like 'two step forward, one step backwards' until getting thrown off that day with leecher and picking up smoking weed a few days and reinstalling a game. Loss of drive, emotionally monotone feeling. Lined up for a Career 'Work Ready'program, going to be ongoing with daily classes , preparing for interviews, getting resume fixed up, learning skills related to field I want to work in, help with finding employers,and the whole 9 yards. Got a birth certificate ordered - 2 weeks tho, get my ID and SS card following that... Things Im working on implementing to daily routine Cold Shower Wim Hof + Meditation habit Going thru Transformation Academy classes Going thru Actualized.org classes Every 2-3 days going to Gym Getting to sleep early (no lights including phone) around 9pm , waking up at 5/6am Going thru Optimize mini-classes Earning extra $20-60/day Doordashing Need to identify goal for entreprenurship and commit to doing that around the clock Need to write down list of Self-Inquiry questions Need to work on schedule and measuring success towards commitments. Need to create a study habit... like an environment where I aim to be productive (because lazy in my bed/van/tv) , maybe start going to library/coffee shop and do Pomodoro technique and try 3 blocks of 30-60 mins of goal-oriented activity. Also dressing up like 'im going to work' maybe that will help with feeling like 'this is work time' instead of constantly dipping off on my phone being lazy. Definitely slacking though. Hopefully a few days off weed and doing some Wim Hof/working out will help reset back... what originally seemed to get me going last week was 1) a girl playing therapist for me with lots of "i love you" intimacy + eye contact (not romantic love at all,just like "i care about"love and providing me space to open up , and 2) getting pissed off at some cops harrassing me, really spiked my emotions , which is kinda the opposite after smoking/chilling too much feeling emotionally monotone now Anyways, one of my biggest lessons so far has been "When falling off the horse, you must get right back on it" as this applies to habits/personal change... If I let one or two more days go without journaling, Im essentially going to have to start all over again... so here we go, back on the horse I get. Much love -Kory

The difference between someone who's awake on some level and someone who's enlightened is huge. Awakening doesn't require much transformation; enlightenment requires the whole system to be transformed and aligned with the highest truth.

Some major shifts in my perception about dating: Thanks to the work of Robert Moore I learned that real shifts in perceptions come through crises. One should actively look to create a crises in one’s life to initiate transformation. This is what I discovered about people and women. In summary I learned I shouldn’t put them on a pedestal. I did for a very long time and I knew I shouldn’t but now it just clicks. Lessons: I overvalued physical beauty. I was a servant of obscurity/devil. The tragicomic thing is when you don’t value the thing you will get it thrown on your lap A woman is not your mother. She doesn’t love you for you. She loves you for what you mean to her. don’t take advice from a woman on how to be a man if you want to fuck around with girls, position yourself rightly. Physical, emotional, mental weakness is punished. Strength is rewarded. It is really true that in your figuratively speaking darkest hour, you will find salvation. So don’t postpone the darkest hour. The answer is within but you need to seek it outside yourself to come to the conclusion that is not outside of yourself: you already have everything you need Change in perception is the deepest teachings

My final transformation Have you experienced something like this? I feel like from inside, I'm changing in a massive way. Like a huge change. Do you ever feel like your whole personality is going to change 180 degrees. For example, let's say you were an angry or aggressive person and now something is making you change into a milder calmer friendlier person. Or let's take the opposite. You were a gentle person but now you are getting angrier, or just stricter.. Let me explain what's happening to me. My facial expressions are changing from sweet to mean/strict. I'm changing from a gentler person to someone more strict, pragmatic and matured, more serious and a bit bolder. I feel some kind of inner metamorphosis. Like my inner self is struggling to come out or is undergoing huge transformation. And it's saying very loudly a very big FUCK YOU. It's asking me - why the hell do you care about all this drama around people? If they judge you, blame you, hold you responsible when you didn't do shit, then fuck it, who cares? It's like my inner self is challenging me big time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and not give a damn anymore, because nobody gave a damn about me. Is this a sign of inner growth? I feel a sense of boldness and self empowerment. Like why should I care what someone thinks of me. I used to engage in people pleasing behavior and I took a lot of shit in the process. But now my inner self is saying - STOP!!!! DEVELOP AN EGO. STOP GIVING A DAMN. A strong inner resistance developing gradually. Will this turn me into a narcissist? I feel like I'm developing a strong defense mechanism. Like building a wall around myself where only those people can scale the wall who aren't going to fuck with me anymore, aren't going to play mind games, aren't going to be passive aggressive or manipulate me or aren't going to give me a lame treatment. It's like my my heart is saying — if they don't treat you right, just don't put up with it anymore. The call is yours to make, not theirs. Take back power. Does this feel right or does this feel narcissistic? When I had these thoughts, this music was playing in my mind. Pretty aggressive.