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I made a post on this forum a couple months ago called "I awakened and I don't like it". I say some similar things as you. I felt so crazy. Now though, I think I understand the insights a little better. Just give it time and it will start to feel not insane again.

I have never taken DMT in my entire life. Notice your assumptions that have no basis in evidence. My entire waking direct experience is everything is me. I broke the dream and fully awakened. You have not and speak from a place of ignorance. You do not have an open mind otherwise you would not be responding as you are right now. 1. Your actions reveal how you really feel. You are scared and hesistant. 2. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Your actions are all we need to know to understand your current state of mind. DENIAL.

Full Awakening does not absolve you from self-deception, it just allows you to catch it more easily. I just went on a run and was contemplating Oneness and my actions and discovered I was deluding myself and awakened to another frame. Oneness is calmness, tranquility. This means any deviation from that expression is a fear based expression and denial of Oneness. So my recent aggressive behavior and belittling comments were borne out of ignorance and for that I apologize. I discovered why I was doing that, remember every situation reveals where you are. I noticed that the thing I hate the most is when someone expresses a lack of accountability. It irks me, it irritates me and this is because my greatest fear is to not take accountability. Why? Because I have fully awakened my greatest fear is to fall back asleep. This is itself delusion because there is no difference between being fully awakened and fully asleep. Since I was afraid of a lack of accountability I aggressively attacked anyone who expressed that behavior. Now this is not to demonize aggression, because this too is pure delusion. Let me explain. To learn the art of fighting is to learn the art of aggression. One who has mastered the art of fighting has mastered aggression. If someone attacks a master, the master will effortlessly dodge and misdirect all attacks. The master will CALMLY face the aggression and make his opponent look clumsy and will make him appear that he is fighting himself. This is because every master in martial arts knows the only opponent is within. Master your fear of aggression by engaging in aggression. So when aggression arises in the form of a physical opponent you can remain calm. You will perfectly reflect your opponents aggression back onto himself and eventually he will realize he is just hurting himself. Because when you cannot hurt another, you are just hurting yourself. It's like punching a concrete brick. You cannot hurt the brick therefore you are only hurting yourself. So now I know the truth, anytime I express any emotion outside of calmness then I am deluded. This delusion is a result of a lack of mastery of self. Which is the same as saying ignorance. So here is how I will handle people from now on. When you reply to something I write I will ask you what response you would like me to give you. I can give you encouragement or I can give you deconstruction. The deconstruction can/will be painful so I will let you know this as well. Now I will still every now and then trick you into higher awareness just like LIFE does. But this will be in form of questions. I will guide you to higher awareness through questions. My question will constantly be....are you not creating a duality? You see to fully awaken you must dissolve all duality. So if I ask you if you are creating a duality and you say yes....then you are admitting to delusion. Notice how I was able to catch my delusion. Why? Because there is only security in life. Which is the same as saying there is only your power in life. Which is the same as saying THERE IS ONLY YOU. True strength also empowers others, I just gave you the ultimate trump card against me. If I deviate from a calm expression you can say I sense you are not coming from a place of calmness but insecurity. This can awaken me from my own self-delusion. This is why full transparency and vulnerability is strength.

You don't know that reality is imaginary, all knowledge is from personal experience. To know something is to know self. You lack self-knowledge so you are not awakened. This is how you and many delude yourself. You sit around all day spouting spirituality dialog but you lack the direct experience. All of Leo's videos literally tell you this. Watch his videos, over and over and over and over and over again. Look up other Spiritual Masters if you want. Deconstruct all identities with the concept that everything is one. The fastest deconstruction is to watch Leo's Solipsism video and accept it as true. If you resist Absolute Solipsism then you cannot awaken. You resist it. How do I know? Because you keep complaining. What you do, every non-awakened human does. If you do what they do how would you ever hope to awaken? You won't! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same result. To awaken is to GROW in self-love. If you are not growing in self-love then you are going BACKWARDS! Your love your avatar and the totality of life should be INCREASING NOT decreasing! The more you hate life, the more delusion you are creating, the more you are seeing the beauty of life the closer you are getting to awakening. I awoke because my mind was already relatively pure so all I needed was someone to teach me Spirituality and guide me to the correct point of view. Awakening is a point of view, the point of view of ONENESS as the absolute and everything else just an expression of it. ONENESS means ABSOLUTE ACCOUNTABILITY. So if you are EVER blaming, any other for anything you are in delusion. The entire dream is delusion your job is to be aware of your delusion so you can enjoy it! When you watch a movie, or play a video game you know it is delusion and thus you can enjoy it! Your life FEELS real that is why you complain! All complaints come from REALNESS, this is because of your fear of pain and loss! So whenever you speak, think, and emote from a pain and loss perspective it is OTHER delusion. It is akin to watching a movie getting so engrossed in it that you cry or laugh. It's a beautiful thing, but the beauty can only be realized when you know it is PURE FANTASY!

If you want to make your baseline experience awakened PM. Anyone can do it. I am not special. You need to be addicted to TRUTH. Nothing else should matter in your life and truthfully nothing else matters in life.

Great post, i agree in everything. but the issue of solipsism is very elusive. if I'm in awakened state, it's obvious, but if I'm in a sleeping state, like now, it doesn't make sense. If you want to go deeper, you have to fully understand that your direct experience is absolute, therefore there is nothing outside of it, therefore, the others are imaginary. but it's really not exactly like that. how is? I don't know

Warning: Loooong rambling ahead! The deception is what I call (at least for me) Separate-Self-arisings (I-thoughts, I-feeling), that arise with a very high frequency in Oneself (True Self/Reality). That leads to the world appearances manifesting as "external" and "solid/not hologram-like mere appearances". Et voila, the magic show! When one spots them fast enough (separate self arisings) and is familiar with them, and doesn't get captured by them (in my opinion the goal of meditation), the visual field at some point becomes nondual, mere appearance, lucid/hologram-like, hovering in Infinite Nothingness. Then, there is no more deception, since it doesn't "grip". Nothing the "separate self can throw at you" is believed anymore. It just runs/appears in True You/Reality, but is no longer to believed to be more real than mere arising in True You/Reality. Perceptions perceiving themselves in You/Reality, and some practical mind-stream-stuff of the human you have (not are, but have) running in True You/Reality. As long as any of it is still believed, and not transcended as objects/movements/arisings in the True You, one doesn't cross over to the other shore. 3% of still "gripping" and not transcended separate self arisings (very very subtle ones at the end, just mere "Individuality") prevents the full Realization of ones True Identity. They all have to "go". It is like the mindstream runs in oneself, and doesn't capture ones attention. Nothing of it. The mindfulness stays, it is all a magic show. There is no more "external" world, just a magic show of hologram like lucid appearances, hovering in Infinite Nothingness. Suffering (psychological suffering, or resistance to what is here and now) has stopped at that point. Then, it all becomes a magic show. It is totally clear what the essence of the magic show/movie is. Nothingness. without suffering. Sure, the Magic Show is a deception/Illusion. But what else is there to do for the True You? The Real You can not gain or loose ever. But it can manifest the show. And just a disclaimer/warning, because I write very freely from the absolute side of the street, tending to ignore the relative side of the street while writing this way: When you start to think while the separate self is still intact, that you can not gain or loose ever: Well, Maya will give one a nice smack demonstrating that one (as the separate self) can very well suffer, grow and develop, loose and gain. Karma is well and alive when the separate self is not fully transcended). That leads automatically to appreciation of the beauty of the show. Appreciation of the beauty of manifestation. With a certain preference of being interested in all these mechanisms. But being interested not in a grasping way, like suffering when one doesn't get to understand it, but more like: Hey let's go for a walk, and if it rains we don't, and do something else. No big deal anyway.... If there is no appreciation of the Illusion/Show, but disgust/horror/discontentment/anything other than marveling at/with the state of things, I would assume there is still a separate self active/not transcended, that then resists/suffers. I personally find the investigation/exploration of the Multiverse, trying to understand the manifestation mechanism, Alien-anything quite interesting. But it no way leads to me grasping to the beauty and bliss of these experiences of understanding or exploring. If something like that would show up in my mindstream, a reaction would arise like: All nice and well, interesting for sure, but starting egoic/separate self-suffering or grasping for it, no way I am doing that, would be rather not so smart. and lead to suffering/resisting, and shutting down the Endohuasca-System (below).... and that would be it (grasping stopped). Selling Water by the River Some Quotes from Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown "once you have eradicated all the pain from the mind": "Tashi Namgyel calls the two stages prior to experiencing enlightenment recognizing awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] and setting up awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] . One-taste yoga establishes the foundation for awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] to emerge. In non-meditation yoga the practitioner: ...proceeds from the perspective of having seen the benefit of the aforementioned [special] samadhi. Generate a fervent desire for this [awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] ] to increase and continue once you have eradicated all the pain from the mind." Tashi Namgyal, in Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown "The commentary merely alludes to these changes withthe brief passage from Gampopa, "once you have eradicated all the pain from the mind" (TN, p. 5oo).These and other changes, however, are described in much greater detail in the oral tradition, especially by Rechung.'" Rechung says that the practitioner "unties the chakra knots that prevent the full experience of mental and divine bliss, respectively." [the Endohuasca-System of the Body, at least in my theory, see https://dmtquest.org/endohuasca-magic/ ] Attachment (zhar ba) is transmuted into great enjoyment (dga 'chen).The practitioner finds great bliss (bde chen) simply from experiencing ordinary phenomena as they arise in their own way. The natural spontaneity of the mind is freed. Bliss replaces misery." Tashi Namgyal, in Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown That is how at least developed for me. And the end of the game: "According to Tilopa, such uninterrupted, effortless mindfulness finds no refuge (gtad so) in any particular events of the mind because of their inherent emptiness/clarity, so that awareness-itself turns back on itself and naturally crosses over [to Enlightenment]" "In short, crossing over [to Enlightenment] happens at the time when every single sensory experience—appearance and thought—are viewed as clarity/emptiness and movement/emptiness with absolute certainty." [not 1% of the separate self still untranscended/not cut off/still believed] "Tashi Namgyel's root text explains how nonmeditation yoga ripens in three stages: At the lowest level, it becomes possible to maintain undistracted mindfulness of the simultaneous mind [simultaneous mind = nondual] at any time, so that it is unnecessary to limit the practice to formal meditation sessions. Seeming appearances arise "like a mirage." [mere luminous appearances hovering in Nothingness]. At the middle level,awareness-mindfulness continues day and night. The subtlest flow of shapes that arise is the mind's self-illumination. At the highest level, awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] stays even throughout all these subtle forms [not 1% of the separate self still untranscended/not cut off/still believed, including any feelings/thoughts of Individuality/being separate from the Totality/Reality]. Continuous awakened wisdom/[awakened awareness] in the face of everything experienced is great nonmeditation. (TN, p. 697) I highly recommend the book, it is truly awesome. It is a synthesizing text of the Mahamudra-Tradition, quoting many books of the tradition and integrating them.

Lol… I can really get into this and do a lot of research because I just really don’t know what available options are out there. So I did look some things up before coming back to the Journal… I went into questioning if I’d really want to tow a trailer or not… since I hadn’t really thought about getting a truck yet I started to look up truck bed options. So there are actual bed truck campers and they look really nice… there was one which I thought looked really nice, but it might be too much for me. That’s another thing that is sticking out to me… is really being able to use what is being purchased… I’d want to make sure it’s not a purchase that will be a one and done type of purchase… and also making sure to purchase quality. But I’ll go ahead and share the link in case people are interested… there were two that drew my eye… the Cirrus 820 truck camper or the Kimbo. I realize if I start traveling in this way.. I will travel around the US, through Mexico, into Central America and at least the northwest of South America. I’m open to continue traveling the entire continent of South America, but I also feel I’ll have to feel it out after ceremonies. I know I want to continue having these messages being my direction and focus, but it’s not what people may think it’s going to come into play.. it just never seems to be that way for me… again… I can say I’m going to work on the excavation first but… I know I’m going to be working at all the visions at once and then some really… I’ll be learning and meeting people to build relationships decades away at any moment… lol… it just doesn’t happen linear at least in my experience. So again.. I have a feeling that it might take five years to get to the expedition… shoot there’s been so much that I’ve changed in the last five years… and where I am now… I can see there is every opportunity to set this up and more… lol… but the fact is… it really doesn’t matter what I think the timing will be… it may be sooner or it may be later… This is a big vision and I am attracting people and people are attracting me… and that in my mind should take some time to align… So I like to plan but it’s very loosely planned… I definitely allow for surprises and unexpected events… it happens to me all the time and I welcome them. Again… going back to the chess game.. I may be able to say the me who is experiencing can look at say five moves ahead… while my higher self… already knew when I was going to put myself into checkmate… and already knew what plays were needed to be played to set myself up… not in a bad way but in a good way… lol… but anyway I also looked into possibly to pitch a tent in the back of the truck bed too. I know I don’t need much but I am kind of curious how it would be like to live a life towards luxury… lol… there are things that I might do from time to time that I would consider luxury items.. like for me buying this IPad and my IPhones were definitely luxury items. There was an adventure I did in the Sacred Valley which was an over-night trip where we rock-climbed up into these mostly clear pods mounted on the side of the mountain where we had a wonderful meal… slept and woke up to the sunrise in the aerial view.. it was really breath-taking and it was so cool to see how they constructed it… that’s what I’d love to do is work on projects were people will show me how to build.. lol… but the next morning we had breakfast and then we zip-lined down to the ground again. It was Skylodge. And actually when I travelled to Italy I thought that was a luxurious step for me too… but anyway… I love to imagine but when I really start to think about it… It’s really just a safe way to say possible desires… I keep distance from it. I don’t want to keep distance from it… but I also know I’m speaking to myself and others maybe listening or reading… whatever… and again I want to make them feel comfortable too. If I say I’m looking for things i want to manifest into my experience… might not be taken as well as let’s imagine the possibilities. When I say let’s imagine… I can see it’s allowing me space or distance to doubt. And if I say that I’m looking for things to manifest in my experience… then I step closer to being honest with my desires… yeah.. makes sense. And again I’m ok if the things I manifest aren’t exactly these things, but my feelings and emotions towards these things are being observed and recorded and I know I’m going to continue experiencing these emotions in whatever form they choose to show itself. Right I’ve looked into doing this before with a sense of lack… and I just feel like I don’t want to have that anymore. Even though I don’t want it doesn’t mean I cannot observe the tendency still fluttering in my mind… and I guess the first thing is to notice it’s there and know that I’m creating a different mindset… When I travel… I want reliable vehicles and I’d like to be comfortable when I’m sleeping and hanging out. I know I can live and deal with less then those requirements, but I don’t have to continue to do that forever. I already know I like to challenge myself… so I know I want to start planning the expedition so I’ll see how to prepare for it. I guess since I really don’t know the options available.. and I also don’t know exactly when… there’s new technology being designed and created.. so maybe trying to plan too soon might not be the best approach. There are already things I know I want to start practicing on now that doesn’t involve material things… increasing my spiritual practices. I keep thinking about the large tent… lol.. and really I’d love to learn how to design and make my own… or collaborate with someone who knows and is familiar with tent design. It might not be what happens… but darn it… that’s how I think… I’d love to learn how to do it… or even learn how to modify so the modifications continue to be quality and safe modifications. That’s why I would like to travel to who knows where… because I love to learn so much and I know I can find people who can teach me… of course we’ll be teaching each other in our own ways… but again… when I’m learning it all connects to different areas. So what am I feeling right now. I feel when I do my roadtrip… That I would like to have the truck… I’d like to have a truck bed camper… and I’d like to get a pocket motorcycle to ride… lol… yes I looked up a beginner’s bike… lol.. now a part of me is like… it’s not going to be that hard to pickup riding a motorcycle… but another part of me… is why don’t I just make it easy for myself for now… especially if I’m traveling in places I’m not familiar with… the easier I can help myself then the better. Once I get the hang of it I can upgrade to a large one. So I found two that I liked as a starter… and again.. I feel I would put a lot of use into them… and I know I’d be able to finde people who would want to use it when I upgrade… lol… or if I upgrade.. I just might like these… lol.. but one is yeah considered a pocket motorcycle I think they called it… it’s the Honda Navi… it only goes up to 50 mph and I don’t know if that’s enough for me… lol.. but I think it should be until I get used to it.. but what does it say: NAVI-GATE YOUR WORLD: Just about everyone who scores a ride on a Honda Navi can’t stop smiling. And it’s easy to see why. We’ve designed the Navi to be easy to ride, with a no-shift automatic CVT transmission. That helps make it easy to learn on too, even if you’ve never ridden a motorcycle before. Then there’s the small overall size and light weight, which makes it way less intimidating. Plus, it offers some pretty awesome fuel efficiency. And finally, because it’s so small it’s easy to park. And speaking of saving money, the Navi is the most affordable Honda streetbike in our entire line! Isn’t it time you started Navi-gating your world?    And the other I thought was a cool options it was actually a scooter but with a motor that would make me have to get a motorcycle license and register it… so similar to the first option but this has two wheels in the front which I think give me more confidence especially on gravel.. where is it… it’s the Piaggio MP3 530 HPE Exclusive… and I think it cruises at around 60-65 mph and could got to upper 70’s… that actually would be more like it… at least I’d feel comfortable driving it on highways. It’s a little larger body too for comfort and there’s a big windshield guard… it’s pretty cool… yeah I didn’t look at every other option, but I did like this… and what does it say: The new MP3 530 HPE Exclusive lives up to its name. The most advanced three-wheeler ever produced by Piaggio, it features a 530-cc Euro 5 High Performance Engine, cruise control, reverse gear, rear camera function and Blind Spot Information System. The definitive mobility solution for urban travel and further afield, it delivers an ideal mix of comfort and performance, making it a breeze to get around town and beyond in safety. An article by Cycle World says many good reviews, but here’s one: The MP3 Resets the Standards: From the start, the MP3 inspired great confidence, even for totally inexperienced riders. Simply put, it radically reset scooter safety standards, opening up the svelte urban commuter class even to chronic soft-seat motorists who would never think of riding anything that needed to be leaned around corners. So as I’m looking at the bikes… I have to think how I’m going to take my little buddy with me… lol… So yes I looked into pet carriers… and I think that scooter would have the more comfortable option for him. But I also like having possibly a sling for him too… I don’t know…. I feel like I’ve been wanting to design and sew a carrier for him too… I was trying to see if I can find a carrier that mounts easily onto a bike but then converts into a backpack when we’ve reached the destination… and since I have a smaller animal… why don’t we make it airline compliant too… lol.. I’m thinking the sling just because I think if i can get him closer to me with the noise going one it would help him get used to it. But I think I would switch up the sling too… I love the whole wrap around close to my chest… where did I see that the one I was looking at seemed like a man bought it or even designed it for his dog who was very anxious… it’s similar to what we see carrying a baby around… but with a cat? With my cat… lol… I’d like to add a few extras… first of all some type of scratch barrier between my skin and the wrap… lol… his claws automatically go out when I pick him up to place him into whatever carrier I have.. and I also like the bags I’ve had that has the extra security of a small leash connected to him… anyway there’s a few slings that I saw… and I’d like to combine them… lol… I think they were Amazon.com .. here’s a Yudodo option and then here’s the wrap option.. here’s the Pet K’tan version. Oh I almost forgot… there is a way to mount the bike to the hitch of the truck… now I’m not sure it can work with the style of the truck bed camper I’m leaning towards, but I watched a video of the guy who started this company… and I liked his attitude and I know he’d be able to make it work with the options he has… I’d probably just need to reach out and make sure the style I think will work will actually work… but let’s see I remember his name was Joe… here’s the one that might work for that scooter… ohh… I don’t know if he’d have one for the scooter actually, but I’d definitely pay extra to get one that would work… lol… I’d even love to go to his shop and watch or learn… lol.. I can say that to about everyone… lol… ok where is he… welp it’s Joehauler.com and he does Custom Haulers, perfect! Lol… I was just thinking if I could use this as something to tangle in front of my dad… lol.. I think he would enjoy having one… but I’d have to give him the chance to clear out the garage first… lol.. because I think he’d want to store it in the garage especially during the winter… he’d need to have space for it… lol… while I get ready for the driving test he can learn too.. lol… I could see him loving the… plus he couldn’t be such a speedster on the road at times… lol… well we’ll see. So I do think about technology as well… I know when I was thinking of the expedition I was going into satélite options and even maritime options.. many options for communication and possible access to internet while we’re traveling… I thought of maybe trying some of these out now, but I don’t really think it’s time.. lol.. I think I really need to get out there and talk to people and see what they know. Shoot I don’t stop and hesitate to ask people what they’re interested in… if it’s something I’m not familiar with I usually try to ask questions to get a better idea… and if I think it connects to this or that… I’ll ask… so I usually find interesting conversation to say the least… lol… but yeah I was gettin into the tendency I was getting to when I first was thinking about the expedition and i was getting overwhelmed… trying to figure it all out at one time and before I really knew anything… I was guessing with everything and trying to find all the options to check out.. it’s best to run into people who are more experienced. I had thought about emailing professional expeditioners… lol.. I just thought it might be too soon and most of the time I would be saying I’m not sure but maybe this or that… lol… maybe if they were friends I could get a way with that but even then… it doesn’t normally work…lol. But yeah I’m feeling so much better… I was going through a lot earlier and yesterday trying to think of everything that I was thinking about before.. but there was probably a very good reason why I threw all of that into recycling… all the things I was writing in isolation when I first arrived in my personal journaling… I didn’t keep it… I wanted to purge and I wanted to start fresh as I could and for some reason… I didn’t want to keep that journal… and man I was obsessed with it for at least a month… like how I once got… not eating and sleeping… lol… but I guess I’m learning to relax a little more too… I get so excited that I just want to go, go, go… lol… but I see the value of just taking my time and allowing time to help give me clarity before jumping the gun. I’m sure there’s a balance that I’m trying to find… I know I don’t want to wait forever and then I get too comfortable to not make any changes. There’s a balance I’m learning. So yeah I don’t think I have to worry about testing out those types of communications quite yet… but there’s some goodies that I’d like to start gaining experience with. This is funny because i say that the people who I meeting currently, they see who I am.. like say the people I know in Colorado.. specially when I speaking of my approaches to spirituality… they think I’m a saint.. lol.. not really but my behavior and thought is different to what they’re used to, but I find I have to convince them that I haven’t always been this way.. lol.. again if I’m talking about ceremony with them and they’re interested… I deal with all types but some who are say addicted to drinking or recreationally doing drugs… or any issues they think I wouldn’t understand where they are and I have to tell them all the things I’ve been saying here… I did shit… I was living unconsciously too, but I decided to make changes. But say I’m speaking to people I’ve known all my life.. they see me as who I was before… and again I feel like I have to convince them that I’ve changed… lol… so it just reminded me when I say I usually want to go, go, go… people who are reading this will know that I’ve been in isolation for so long that they might feel… what do you mean you go, go, go… you haven’t been doing anything for a long time now… lol… I can only say I’m changing… and it seems its only a few months it takes me to realize the changes instead of taking years… and i feel that’s a good thing… lol.. But I consider myself a creative and artist… and when I was in school I had access to many materials, tools, and programs and I really caught on quickly, but when I stopped going… I was limited in my involvement with the abundance of tools to continue learning in those areas… I’d like to get a chance to dive into them again… I loved computer aided drafting and also art… I haven’t been in that world for decades now.. so a lot has changed, but I still think if I can put myself into the position to have access… I’d find my way again, but I think I would like to start off with a decent computer setup and get some programs to dive deeper into creativity in art.. such as computer design and even musical programs and video editing… things of this kind. i want to work on my drawing faster… i feel this is going to be helpful for me in receiving clues… lol… i know this doesn’t involve computers… but I wrote some of the messages i was getting in the time before sleep and when I was seeing visions… I got the idea that it would be helpful to develop this skill.. not only because of the people I was seeing, but possibly during the expedition too. I was wondering how I would know where to go… when I go the message about the excavation… I was given an area I knew… so I didn’t have to draw it out.. I know where to go… but if I’m exploring terrain I don’t know… I was wondering how would I be guided… I thought possibly I could be getting visions of the terrain, and since I don’t know where it is… if I can draw it out clearly then they would give guidance. I thought I’d probably need a drone to be able to fly a good distance away from the camp… or even go on scouting trips with the drone to see if it can see these locations and then while scouting can get a better idea how to move the camp closer to the location. I don’t know it’s a thought… and so I know that I can at least start practicing this skill and I’d always wanted a drone… I love photography and videos and I think it would be cool to learn how to use a drone… I wouldn’t just use it for the expedition.. but as I travel. I even said if I hired myself what would i do… well I wanted people I work with to record themselves… well I’d like to do the same thing. Similar to what I’m doing now… but using video footage and who knows what else… but I’d like to find a pretty heavy duty drone to be tough enough for the changing weather conditions I can assume will be in the mountains. I’d like some video editing programs… again maybe meet someone who can teach me… so maybe not get the program fist.. talk to someone and have them recommend… i don’t know… but something like that. I want to work on music… I’ve really been interested in exploring more on learning different types of instruments. I know I’ve been trying to build confidence in my singing… I sing Icaros in ceremony and I knew I needed to gain more confidence, but… lol… I feel when I’m in ceremony it just comes out of me anyway… lol… it’s obvious to me that I’m still searching for styles to resonate with… I’m sure I’ve already mentioned it before but I can go from an opera singer, to a beat boxer tribal chanter… lol… but I think I can continue to build confidence. I think that’s why I’m drawn to musical instruments too… I know some of the people I work with are already musically inclined… in fact I’d suggest to them to bring their instruments of choice when they join me in Aya ceremonies… I’d love to see if they’re drawn to using them… I’ve already seen people try to sing in their own attempts… it’s really exciting and interesting to me. Again I’ve worked with a shaman who had so many unusual instruments and it was awesome to have that in ceremony… but I’ve also been with shamans who think that instruments shouldn’t be involved with ceremony only voice… but I know I’m drawn to the Sa’sa… using the body as an instrument… so I have nothing against instruments and voice together… and I know a few people who know how to make their own instruments of choice… and yet again… I’d love to learn and maybe that’s how I’ll get some of my instruments… my making them… how sweet that would be. I’m not sure how people view hearing singing Icaros in ceremonies… I know I wasn’t expecting it as part of the process of ceremony, but I didn’t have any background in it. But that does remind me of the sedition in the yoga manual that I wanted to touch base in… ways to show Bhakti… and they gave some good examples… hmmm… yeah maybe I’ll go into that for a little bit… there’s something going on with my internet.. I know I can hear the wind being aggressive outside… so I’m going to copy and paste everything real quick so hopefully I don’t loose my progress so far. Ok… and it looks like I wasn’t logged into my dad’s WiFi.. so now it should be stronger. Ok… the manual… So I’ll start by referencing the book again, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati. Let’s begin: “Bhakti and Music: Thoughts are the language of the mind. But music is the language of the heart. Wherever there is Bhakti there must also be music. They are inseparable. There is no more exhilarating way of expressing Bhakti than through music. Music implies rhythm and harmony. And in this sense everything in the universe can be considered to be music… You should try, or at least aspire, to conduct your life as though it is a perfect piece of music… For a bhakta life should be a continuous symphony whether he is high or low, whether he is working or sleeping, whether he is happy or angry. All the ups and downs of life are mere ripples on the river or ocean of bliss… And in fact vast numbers of bhakta have expressed this inner bliss with their internal singing and music…. But for the bhakta, music does not only mean music or singing - it means the whole flow of life. Life is one continuous song. There is an inner music of the heart which is functioning ceaselessly, no matter what the outside events… This inner music should guide your life. It should decide your actions. But it can only come when you are receptive, when your mind and heart become sufficiently tuned… This inner music is the music of knowledge, the music of bliss. People of modern times have been seduced into always being in the audience… This is a great pity, for the most enjoyable part of life is participation. It is the same with music - people tend to listen rather than take part. And in this way the exhilarating experience of involvement is lost… generates an upsurge of group feeling. It is wonderful for removing stress and inducing relaxation. It helps to purify the mind and gives an outlet to emotions. It helps to unfold Bhakti. One’s feelings (bhava) are heightened. This leads to heightened bhava on a more permanent basis. Devotional music is powerful (509).” ”Expressions of Bhakti: What does a bhakta do? Many people think that Bhakti has to be expressed by wild singing or emotional prayers or utterances. And indeed this can be the case; many great bhakta have sung the most beautiful poems in order to express their joy, devotion and realization. Others have been famous for their joyful dancing. The Sufi dervishes are good examples. Every movement, every action is an expression of bliss and devotion. But this is not necessarily so. Many great bhakta were less dramatic. They continued to live their lives in a state of calmness. Each action and each thought however is permeated with awareness of the divine… He looks into the mirror of the world and sees the image of himself. Actions become perfect… Bhakti need not necessarily be associated with wild, abandoned singing. It can be felt in many people without obvious outward expression. It depends on the dharma or personality of the bhakta… Actually, every saint, yogi, tantric or sage is a bhakta… They must be bhakta, for the knowledge, the realization that they have in higher states of awareness must automatically lead to Bhakti… In the Srimad Bhagavatam it says: ‘… the devotee loses all sense of etiquette. He moves around the world without attachment. He always chants the name and his heart melts through love. he is like someone possessed, sometimes laughing wildly, sometimes weeping; and then he sings aloud and dances…’(2:2). This description of the expressions and actions of bhakta is as good as any. But a bhakta need not conform to this pattern. He will express himself according to the dictates of his personality, dharma and the given situation (504-505).” “The methods of unfolding Bhakti: There are many methods which the aspirant will find out for himself through his own experiences. In the Srimad Bhagavatam nine modes of unfolding Bhakti are given as follows: 1. Shravanam (hearing stories about the divine incarnations such as Rama, Krishna, Christ, Buddha and so forth). 2. Kirtanam (chanting the names of divinity). 3. Smaranam (continual remembrance of divinity in any form). 4. Padasevanam (service of the guru or service done in the name of the divine). 5. Archanam (ritualistic worship and offerings). 6. Vandanam (mental worship of everyone and everything as being the form of divinity). 7. Dasyam (the feeling of being the servant of the divine). 8. Sakhyam (the attitude of friendship… He treats the supreme as a close friend who is always in his company). 9. Atma nivedanam (total surrender… This leads to perfect union where the lover, loving and the loved become one)… A few important aspects of unfolding Bhakti are not clearly indicated in the list. Meeting great yogis and saints is an important way of intensifying Bhakti… Also important is constant reflection on one’s nature and study of the scriptures. This is called swadhyaya (505).” This again.. just help confirm to me… that I’ve been discovering how I awakened my bhakti and why I want to develop into a bhakta. Alright… I think this is a good time to take a break.

What I have found, is that if you're awakened, then there is no one else that is awakened, ever, because it's only you in the first place. Not the ego, God, the ego is a fantomatic fabrication like everything else. The entire world is awakened or you're asleep/half asleep believing there are other partition of God being aware separately. Now this is funny, cause I'm speaking from an ego point of view now, and have no idea whatsoever if what I'm telling is true or not, this is all memory and intuition, and from what I remember, I would probably not try to convince anyone about this, cause that would be pointless in the first place

Although I agree with all you have written, Salvijus, there is a third formulation that at least I prefer: The coffee table observes itself. Perceptions perceiving themselves. When it feels like that, it is stable. At least for me. And if the coffee table is gone, and you are gone, you are not aware of yourself (Nirvikalpa, Deep Sleep, Cessation). But "Nothingness & Infinite Potential", with a potential for sentience. That is when all dualities collapse in the Always Here Reality that One truly is. And when being awake to That Nothingness/Absolute Reality in daily life, one is not a Witness or a human, but One has a witness or human. In the Reality that One is. Totally nondual. Then "one" gets out of the way, and lets Awakened Awareness do what the you/human did before. And at least in my case, that works more smoothly than the illusion that was in place with the separate self-show before. Water by the River We are that Reality. When you understand this, you see that you are Nothing, and being Nothing, you are Everything. That is all. - Kalu Rinpoche

Psychedelics are awesome when done together with meditation. I believe that efficient meditation systems (like for example Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown), explained in an efficient way, plus Psychedelics (but with coaching from somebody who has walked the path to the end and knows the traps) is the future. Where there is potential, there are (as ususal) also risks and traps. Let's look at Wilbers perspective on the risks and downsides: Main Points from Wilber: The downside comes with people that only use psychedelics or drugs and I found that over the years they just become mean. That somehow it just kind of closes them down it's like you keep doing it and you keep doing it you keep doing it doesn't quite cause the transformation. It can cause a peak experience but generally not a transformative experience and some people like David data will say that you know for altered changes of state to contribute to transformation permanent transformation it has to be basically in endogenous and not exogenous it has to be has your own. See my Endohuasca-Theory and Links to it above. The people that do use both and use it as a sacrament I think an enormous bit out of it. My personal opinion: When you think that the meditation path to make it permanent is not doable for you (for whatever excuse, like genetics) , or seems to unpleasant, maybe you use an inefficient meditation system. Try the one a mentioned above (Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown). I get no roalties or kick-back-paymanents by the way, just love the method/system Agreed, most meditation system on the market have an abysmal "success" rate of Enlightened Ones. But there are some really good ones also. And non of these efficient systems have used Psychedelics + good coaching on top. That is where I believe is the future. Exploring the Multiverse is all nice and important and a wonderful pioneering effort. But as soon as you draw your love/happiness out of the sublime beautiful experiences/understandings, you are playing the same samsaric game of every unenlightened sentient being chasing good emotions to avoid suffering, the usual merry-go-round-cycle. But on a very high level, with quite a show . When psychedelics boost the narcissm/grandiosity of the separate self, well: Best regards from Maya, she just loves you too much to let you go... If you can be "gaslit" on any realization from psychedelics and need to put your foot down: Well, probably the realization of your True Identity (Reality itself) is a bit shaky, or a bit preliminary. The Real Thing can't be shaken. Because You are It, like in "never can not be It". And if you dragged home an alien from I don't know where, and feel like you have become the special-alien-of the day, maybe check if you have received a very seductive love-letter from Maya herself, and consider ordering the Men in Black for the Alien, together with their Flashthing/Neuralyzer that can make you forget: https://meninblack.fandom.com/wiki/Neuralyzer And maybe that Neuralyzer makes you full empty, makes you get rid of the last filters of the separate self, which are just a very very empty, already nondual/mere appearance "feeling" of individuality, a vastly intelligent, potentially "alien" nondual nothing, understanding a lot of the mechanisms of God and the Universe, but still a nothing with the last filter attached to it: Individuality-Arisings (in Wilbers wording, the Transparent Witness, see Religion of the Future), "seeing/looking at" a vast mere appearance Multiverse hovering in Nothingness. So not fully empty yet. And that is the "last few percentage clouds" blocking stable realization, or the sudden Full Enlightenment. Because if the last filters/elements of the separate self go, you can sustain the realization/bliss sobre in daily life.... . Because, if you understood/got rid of all separate self filters IN the psychedelic state, why shouldn't you be able to keep that Realization in daily life? The world gets a shimmering lucid hologram like imagined appearance-illusion-show when you have engaged your Endohuasca-System, which is done with getting rid off these last separate-self elements, see my previous post. At least my experience, and that of countless others in the history of mankind. Why should exactly the Psychedelic-Aficionado not be able to do that? No Endohuasca-system? Well, the receptors in the body seem to be working just fine... Or maybe a different Buddha-Nature? Sorry, just kidding... And if there is no Neuralyzer around, maybe try an efficient meditation system, get to the last stages of Nonmeditation-Yoga (spontaneous automized meditation without a doer still active) And after having used the Neuralyzer or an efficient meditation system, after having looked deeply into the Empty Abyss of your own True Nature/Nothingness, when you are really everything because you are really totally Nothingness (with no 5% clouds remaining), maybe then go hunt for the alien again. But this time, not for getting the love and sweetness of Understanding-experiences or whatever to break the cycle of suffering, but to express the bliss and love of your True Nature that you have then 24/7 going on from your own core. And if one feels gaslit about what I have just written, see the point above: "If you can be "gaslit" on any realization from psychedelics and need to put your foot down: Well, probably the realization of your True Identity (Reality itself) is a bit shaky, or a bit preliminary. The Real Thing can't be shaken. Because You are It, like in never can not be It." And if in doubt: Call these gentlemen, let them take care of the Aliens, look at the Neuralyzer/Flashthing, and get fully empty. But still, the Psychedelic pioneers, facing the unknowns of the Multiverse, exploring Alien intelligences, some even catching an Alien beast or two and dragging them home, going alone boldly to where no one has gone before, facing dangers that nobody else faced before... If there is some material for the movies of the future looking back to our time, where if not there is the true hero's journey to be found... I just hope that they get back from the trips, integrate their experience, get their mindstream awakened all the time, and live happily realized ever after, radiating the love of their own True Being, and maybe even getting the roalties from the upcoming movies of the Psychedelic Heros Journey based on their biography! Bon voyage! In the meantime, It’s for sure one of the most interesting shows on this planet to be seen. At least, it for sure has my attention! Respectfully Yours & mind the possibility of the Bear Manoeuvre in the signature-link below Selling Water by the River

@Leo Gura Leo i understand that you have awakened to a level where most people are not. Now why don't you teach us how we can get to the level where you are.

It‘s impossible to know for a number of reasons. The main reason is that you do not have access to another person’s direct experience. Another reason would be that the words “awake”, “enlightened”, “God-Realized”, etc. all point to rather ineffable states/experiences/realizations which have different definitions for essentially every single person using these words. I’m sure I could come up with more reasons, but those two alone should be sufficient for you to see that trying to verify awakening for another person is just a game that has little value from a more absolute perspective. On a more relative level, you can verify things to a degree if you have a serious practice which leads you to believe that you have awakened. You can then compare what various teachers and practitioners describe to your own experience of awakening. If most of what they say lines up with your real experience, you can probably gain some useful perspectives and practices from these people. It’s also good to listen to people who don’t seem to know awakening as you do because they can often be pointing to other aspects of awakening that you have yet to realize.

I did not say there is a state of all states that you should strive to reach. That would be silly. There are simply some states in which you are Awake, and others in which you are not. There is not one magical Awakened state.

The past can be awakened, and once awakened it will be lost. For many times in the past, I have dreamt of my previous house and see the people in it are getting old. And the house was covered in sand almost covering it all. And then I no longer had such dreams. My past are calling me back. After a while it's the end. Or things like after I read my diaries for the second time/for the first time after a while, when I've forgotten it, the second or third time reading it it will no longer producing the same effect. Because I've already know it. I think if it was never awakened, it will last forever. Until the day it was re covered. There was something, like a spirit that was trapped in memories. (Looking back at that dreams, it seems like they are calling me back) but after a while, I no longer got such dreams.

There are no enlightened people. Ultimately, there is no "enlightenment" or "awakening." Who would be enlightened? The ego? If the ego is seen to be false, who or what is enlightened or awakened? Just come back to the fact of your own existence, your very own being. That is all the "enlightenment" you'll ever need, for that is all there is.

Well for me, I feel like I'm at the 6.0 stage of trying to see others at the MetAware stage and learning to identify others in their uniqueness at the higher-order level , but it is always so challenging when so many people are reluctant to think others are ahead of them, thus putting each other down(or themselves up higher than they rightly are) , so it becomes this game of cat and mouse it seems... But are the ones playing that game even at the higher level themselves? Like Leo says I am not awakened, mofo don't know me, so obviously that's just biased, but how would I know that, am I not just a fool fooling themselves as well? Or is he trying to test me into seeing if I'm the fool? Or is he fooling us about himself not being a fool? How can we discern these manners with people who are reluctant to be open to those discussions and being curious / open-minded to explore where others have been? Idk, for me ,I always try to take a step back and listen, even after I might tell someone they are bullshitting... But are others doing the same when they say I'm bullshitting?? Quite the conundrums You both give me quite an easy sense of it that "you get it" but others , especially the ones that argue with you so hard-nosed , it's quite the guesswork... And I'm trying to figure out some shortcuts I feel like when people tell me. "I don't get it" without knowing me , they are trying to trick me or actually confused themselves ,and I give them the benefit of the doubt that I'm the confused one, but it gives me an uneasy feeling to play the fool when I think they are just trying to fool me into doubting myself as a sort of ego-trip onto themselves.

But that seems to disregard spiritual maturity in the internal development sense , like you seem to suggest that if you are truly awakened / enlightened , then you will have written a book or something... You can't just have nothing tangible to show for it?? Quality of characters , insights , overcoming paradoxical dilemmas, learning flexibility of viewpoints, such things are not measured in tangiblility... It's like I had an experience that I had to find a word for, and it most resembled a Satori Awakening... But how can anyone believe that, despite that I had a huge transformational shift off it that left a lingering deep insight that has forever changed my model of reality as to the true nature of being? For everyone else , that's just a load of shit coming out of my mouth... But I know , whether it was a "Satori" or something else, that it was a 'level up' moment that took me beyond identification with thinking to being grounded in awareness as my new home. So how can I prove that to anyone ,and thus in turn, qualify whether someone has had a Kundalini Awakening or something else for example???

Let's just say I am calling bullshit. I hope Leo doesn't mind ,but let's use him as an example. Let's say he's full of crock and this a cult of Kool-aid drinkers... How could one verify this sort of stuff?? Doesn't Leo come across as just having a big ego as THE guru that is so much better than any one of us? "You are not awakened" he tells us... How does anyone know who is awakened and who is not??? Alan Watts breaks it down like this : by coming here to seek awakening , you are seeking something outside of yourself that cannot be found outside yourself , so the guru becomes the exploiter... "I am so much further ahead of you all, that you will always have stuff to learn from me" thus continuing the gurus form of income... Gurus only have outside points of view of other people's insides... How can anyone know whether anyone else is awakened... Isn't that a silly game to tell someone they are not awakened?? Lol, how would you know??? Discuss.

Awakening happens on its own. The belief that addictions can stop you is false. You could sit and observe your addictions and awaken. Awakening happens through paying attention, the more attention, the more care you give something the higher you raise your awareness of it. So in truth all actions, thinking, emoting, eating, sleeping, are in service to awakening. You speed up the process when you make the target of that care consistent. But as time flies, the differences, the distortions between one thing and another that too will collapse. If it is your fate to awaken in this life time you will, and you could quote on quote waste as much time as you want and it would still happen. There are no distractions, all paths lead to awakening. What is beneficial is the understanding of what it all means. That is where the epistemological understandings come in about Love and Truth. But again, all paths lead to awakening, once awakened you can choose which path you wish to pursue from there. But all this demonization is hilarious. Here is a secret, EVERYTHING is an addiction. EVERYTHING IS! Your most prominent addiction is your own perspective!!! All of your beliefs, your memories, your preferences, you hold onto this more tightly than anything else. THIS IS YOUR STRONGEST ADDICTION, your personhood. So miss me with all this demonization of what is right or wrong or how to be a good person, it's the biggest self-deception because you were never a person to begin with!!! Live, enjoy the moment, do what is the most loving act and that shall be the guide to happiness. Any attachment to any morals, will fill you with guilt and unworthiness which is the biggest practical joke you can play on yourself. Awakening is truly a cosmic joke, you got God telling itself it needs morals to be GOOD!!!! So hilarious!

It is Indeed about unification of all aspects of Self, we need to "integrate" ego not "dissolve" it, then it sits as its primary function, secondary to the Self, but still part of and with the self, as a team, a whole, a family, a union. Yes, dissolution sometimes is needed to experience "the truth", but its the integration afterwards that becomes the ~stabilization~ that balances out unto what some would term: Enlightenment, Wholeness. We cannot become whole if we cannot integrate both darkness and light of ourselves thus the world, it requires all aspects of self/other to be in divine union and marriage with one another, so to speak. This is the difference between a truly enlightened being and most awakened beings today.

because your True Self is not just masculine or just feminine it will feel suffocated for being completely locked into one polarity, it will eventually find a way to realize this, trans is just a lesser version of this realization - an incomplete one. what will be realized ultimately is you contain both polarities. but that is not yet acceptable to planet earth, maybe in another 500 years we will finally have complete, awakened beings walking here and making themselves known. but idk what need is there at that point to be fixed in a particular body part, you prob would not desire to be in a fixed form at that level of consciousness and to be on planet earth (as it exists now). so.. I'm kinda speaking hypotheticals just to shine some light on this. though I am speaking from my own conscious experience. obviously this is irrelevant to you if your desire is to mainly focus on one polarity in this lifetime.

Alright… today was pretty productive. I got the studio organized for my pops… He definitely is not going to work with the water company… lol… I guess he was talking with them two years ago. The ten year thing was the first leak and he got it fixed, but it started leaking again and he turned the main off and the water company was upset with him for doing that. They wanted him to leave it and they would turn it off. Because my dad turned it off they charged him a penalty so… he’s not ready to work with them still. I told him it be a whole lot easier to having running water… lol… but he’s making that call. Got a good start on the kitchen too. I feel like I don’t have a chance to share ceremony with my pops right now, so I can help him purge in other ways to set him up for success or at least comfort… at least an easier opportunity for him. I think he sees the benefits of having space and having things organized. It won’t take too long to get things setup nicely for him. I’m so appreciative of who he’s been for me and how he’s taught me… we’ve got a lot more experiences yet and I’m excited. I’m so grateful to have him as my pops. So yesterday I was messaging the guy who might be sharing ceremony with me. We were thanking each other for the great conversation. While I was at it I asked permission to discuss what we talked about and he said I’m more than welcome to. He was curious at which parts and I listed some but I told him about my Journal… sometimes I just like to just go with it so I might talk about more then what I listed… and he was fine with it. So again… it’s nice to process conversations and situations. We attracted each other to have a conversation so we’re helping each other learn something. So he likes to ask questions and get my opinion on it. He said he was talking to some guys who have similar situations during trips and wanted my thoughts about it. He said they’ve all shared having a feminine entity who comes into their experience and they seem to be the calming and nurturing mother type. With his particular experience he was nervous and this female comes out of a yellow grid pattern and was telling him to relax… there’s nothing to worry about. He said he calmed down but seemed to be lying down and he could see her next to him but then he saw three alien-like figures approach and he said they were upgrading his mind. He said he wasn’t anxious because he trusted her which led to trusting the three figures. He wanted to know if I had alien experiences similar to that. I said I have not directly encountered an alien before, but this universe is full of possibilities so I’m open to it. I know others that have experienced them and I also have a lot of males who mention a feminine figure in ceremonies. I asked him a question… where are you right now… do you think you are able to calm and upgrade yourself? Or are you at a point that looks for someone else to do this for you? He admitted that he looks for someone else. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but most of my ceremonies I feel like it’s myself who is helping me. But I do seem to give acknowledgement to infinite intelligence but that’s not necessarily a figure. So yeah most people assume shamans has spirits that appear to them. I do not have this happen to me. But what I was asking him… I wonder if he or other males don’t see themselves having a nurturing or motherly qualities in themselves. It may be easier to visualize a feminine who fulfills this for them instead of seeing themselves in this role. But he’s a father of three children with his youngest at age 16. He’s’ told me a few stories and I know he has these qualities but maybe because of how we were raised it’s hard to embrace having feminine qualities since he’s male. I obviously don’t know, but I wanted to give him a different perspective. I didn’t mention this in our conversation, but I remember in my second Aya ceremony… in ceremony I thought I was being possessed by either Gaia, Mother Earth or Madre Aya. At that moment I couldn’t imagine that I had the powerful qualities that I was experiencing. Again I was hearing the shamans and I was able to feel how and where to send my energies… a few times I even had an idea of what the guests were working on. There was one female and one male at different times was having issues with their physical appearance. I remember sending my support to them… lol… I was telling them they are so beautiful… inside and out.. but it doesn’t matter what we say… they’ve got to find that for themselves. But I was singing Icaros for the first time… I just was experiencing things that I never had before… so I assumed that I might be possessed. But after several ceremonies… I continue to have these qualities… I understood that I just was getting glimpses of talents or gifts that I didn’t know existed but they were awakened to me in ceremony and I was able to recontextualize that I wasn’t possessed… that was me. That’s my authentic self… I want to help, support, and send my love and energy to help assist in any way to support guests and whatever they are going through. It’s similar… I didn’t have a figure of a woman showing me.. it was me doing it and that’s why I assumed possession… lol. I guess I still feel comfortable saying infinite intelligence as it’s something other than me… but I still know I’m a part of this intelligence… so I’m not sure our relationship at this moment. But I also feel like infinite intelligence is very personal to me in ceremony so I also see it as my higher self. When I’m in ceremony… it’s as if it’s me helping myself and it’s just working at higher degrees than my current state. I mentioned the dream where I thought maybe I met my first spirit guide, but again the qualities and features I noticed… again my result was that was still myself. I’m not sure why we receive our own messages in different ways. I said maybe when it comes to his aliens helping him upgrade… again he might not have considered how extremely intelligent and unusual and beyond human he is and what he’s capable of doing… that it’s easier to give credit to something he assumes has those qualities such as aliens…. I don’t know but it is interesting. I know as I’m engaging in this Forum I’ve noticed that my communication wants to change to me inclusive instead of exclusive. I realized when I was giving advise… that I was giving myself the same advise but in a deeper level. Right we don’t actually ultimately know something… it continues to deepen in that knowing. So if there are aliens… I want to be able to have us be at a point where we’re inclusive. If they exist.. than they’ve already been in our universal existence. They already have been involved with how we have already been living… even though they might now be seen all the time. Right all the fish deep in the seas are still in our existence and is helping create this reality even though we don’t see them regularly. Same as bacteria and microorganisms. We are already part of this existence. Lol… hell I’ve had guests tell me that I’m an alien… so I might find out that I’m already an alien.. and the things I’ve been learning could be called alien-like… so who knows… but it’s very interesting. He also asked me a question about my thoughts on star children, start people or indigos. I told him I’ve heard of these labels, but what is his understanding. He usually laughs a bit because I have him clarify or define the words he uses… he says it looks like you know what I’m saying but you want to hear more before you answer. I will continue to tell him… my definition can vary from yours… so I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing or something similar at least. He was struggling a little on how to describe it, but what he got to was that there are people who aren’t from Earth that is helping people awaken. He also mentioned that many start people usually has some type of educational deficiency when they were younger… maybe to put them on a hard road to overcome to be able to help others. He said that school couldn’t keep his attention, but when he moved to another school and he didn’t know anyone… he was making straight A’s… but when he started socializing it went back to not having any attention for school. Again I told him I don’t really have much direct experience with this. I have met people who say they are star people and I’m respectful to their identities. I mentioned I have had one vision… well honestly there’s been more then one… maybe a handful of times where I’ve seen figures that seemed to be shaped as human but their skin is full of galaxies and stars. I chuckled because the last time I had a vision of a star person they noticed that I saw them and then hid from me… lol… For a few days I was getting images of faces from people from different races, genders, ages… and I didn’t know what it meant. This would be the moments where I’m lying down to sleep and as I’m looking at the back of my eyelids… sometimes I get images or visions… sometimes its words or sometimes like a download as a sentence or two… plus it’s when I take the time to notice as well. One of the images there was an older lady with a short bob and straight silver hair… she had an unusual arm movement that I could remember that action. After thinking about it.. it seemed like she was pointing to me as if she recognized me… and I was thinking maybe there’s some action that I do that gets her to recognize me.. which makes her do this action and point to me. When I saw this star person I saw the figure walking in a row of a field like soybean or something… some low cut plants, but I saw a barn in the background. It seems like I was just hovering and observing them and then they looked up at me and noticed me looking…. And all of a sudden it drops to the ground and hides in the plants… lol… I got a download to find the teachers, even if they’re hiding… lol.. I also had an earlier download that said they maybe family, but that doesn’t mean you’ll agree… lol… This does not happen to me often… this was the first time when I was in isolation and I was trying to remember my dreams… I would literally hold a pencil in my hand on top of a notebook and when I’d get something I’d try to write it down…the next morning I’d have to go back and try to rewrite so it’s legible. I don’t know if this is going to lead to anything… but I did get the feeling that there are Awakened ones out there too… and it seemed like I was getting images of them.. and I might go and look for them so I can learn from them… and maybe see if they’d like to collaborate. I’m not sure but again… I find it interesting. I didn’t tell this guy all these details but I told him of seeing this star person… so again… I’m open to have it be true for me in my reality. But I also mentioned that I’m Awake and I didn’t have any troubles in school… lol.. I loved school so I said that we all have talents and gifts to share regardless of our backgrounds. That also makes me want to comment on the whole Dali Lama thing going on… he has so much to share and teach but maybe he’s not the one to go to… to learn about sexuality… lol…. He doesn’t have much direct experience with different degrees of dealing with sex. Just because he doesn’t know much about sexuality shouldn’t defame him and all he’s been able to create in our world. I feel that’s why I’m so curious to meet more people who are Awake, but honestly they don’t even have to be Awake… but I love to learn… and I know there is so much I don’t know… I want to meet people who have been interested in other areas I haven’t been introduced to. What would it be like for everyone to nurture their gifts, talents, and interests to their full potential individually.. but when they engage with someone else with different qualities.. I feel it will elevate because of the differences or another perspective… lol So I was telling him I needed time to process and integrate… I mentioned I was doing this Journal. I was telling him that I had a fear that I didn’t know was there when it came to sharing ceremony. I went through these sexual experiences this last time that really made me uncomfortable to head right back into ceremony, because I didn’t want similar situations to come up and for me to respond the way I did. I know if I can work it out and integrate… I’ll be able to respond in a manner that’s respectful for my guests and also myself. So I went into the whole ceremonies and also the struggle of masturbation… so I want to be autosexual at this time. He was chuckling at me because he said he would have never assumed that I would have any issues with that. I told him… how can you tell whether someone has those types of issues? I’m confident and I enjoy sexual banter and flirting… but that doesn’t stop my mind from creating a mental block to masturbate and orgasm naturally and freely. I told him… I’m not a man, but I can assume that he has never had issues of masturbating and ejaculating. In my mind I’d think once a young boy notices that stroking his penis is pleasurable… that they just continue to play until they ejaculate… and then that’s it… they’re on it and it’s easy. Now with so many individuals that occupy this world I cannot say its easy for every male, but in general it may be fair to say that it’s fairly easy. He said yes… he’s never had problems in these areas. That’s when he mentioned the 45 year woman who was admitting something similar to the issues I am having. I said I can’t speak for all women, but I know I’ve spoken to other women who have had issues too… so for us who have issues… it’s not easy to touch ourselves and result in orgasm. In fact it was uncomfortable to find touching myself as something natural. For me it was secretive and rushed as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Also I wanted it to be natural for me… so I placing a mask over myself. While we were talking I also thought there might be something that seems obvious to me, but maybe not obvious for men is the fact… they are the penetrators. I said again I’m assuming and I’m not speaking from everyone’s opinion… but do men ever ask how it feels to be able to trust and surrender for someone to enter them? Many men I know wants control… so I’d assume to trust and surrender would be a challenge for them. Well that’s what I have to do to allow someone to have sex with me. We were both laughing because… it’s not like I trust every male I just meet and I say ok… I’m ready to be penetrated now. I was casual with sex but not for that long, because I needed a relationship to be built to make it comfortable enough to share sex. I would even get curious of how penetration would feel like… again it’s not like it’s normal to penetrate myself but I would sometimes use my fingers to rub and circle their anus. I wasn’t just going for it, but I want to observe if they feel comfortable with me just touching. Sometimes I would mention if they would like me to try it and they said they prefer me not to. Maybe if they allowed me they would get a sense of how it feels to be penetrated…lol… it may be pleasurable… at least let’s give it a try… lol. I have penetrated myself and it’s pleasurable… some of my partners are really experienced and good… and I haven’t figured out what the difference is but the fact it’s someone else is involved with me. He was telling me he was trying to approach his partners differently and that’s when he ran into being in the friend zone for the first time. We didn’t discuss it but if he’s being open and honest with his potential partners then he’s having a conversation that he doesn’t want to only have sex with the women. That’s the thing wherever we are at… we can find someone who’s at that same mindset if we’re open and honest about it. So he wasn’t trying to have only sex with her… she has to tell him where she’s at as well… at least she has a chance to agree to this or not. If she’s not looking for sex only too… then I can assume she wants to build a relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened between them, but it seemed like they had great conversations but he felt like she didn’t want to have a sexual side to their relationship… so he said he had to let her know it wasn’t working for him. I laugh because… I’ve already friend-zoned him too. Everyone starts at the friend-zone now… lol… I told him I’m literally trying to popularize the friend zone… if I’m going to engage in a sexual relationship… I want to know who the hell I’m dealing with… lol… and I want them to know who they’re dealing with too. We’ve got to build a relationship because if it’s not based on sex then we have to know how to talk and engage in activities that we both find interesting… lol.. I told him about my style of Journaling… it can seem like it’s all over the place and can be assumed as chaotic… but eventually I assume people can glimpse the clarity of who I am through this style. But if they read my Journal… they have to go through that experience. I’m not a direct communicator in my Journal… so they have to work a little bit to get to understand me. That’s what happens in an intimate relationship with me too. If he doesn’t want to take time to get to know me… then it’s not going to be a fit. I asked if there was anything about her that he didn’t like or found unappealing to him. He laughed because it was just the fact he wasn’t having much sex with her. Well you say you want to have different types of relationships but you’re expecting this relationship as the same as your past. If it’s new… the results and the approach will have to change… lol… he said yes but he didn’t know it was going to be that much difference… lol… well… you know where you are and what you’re looking for. You can continue to approach this new desire for a new type of relationship… then you’re going to have to open yourself up to a new ways of connecting. He said he’s sick of having sex and just staring at the ceiling afterwards… lol… many of the women doesn’t have conversations he enjoys… or they didn’t establish a relationship to a point where they were uncertain what to do when they were finished having sex with each other. I can use this advise that I gave him about having a new approach…. I’ve already been questioning my habits of thought when I go to masturbate… I’m trying a new approach but I don’t know if I know new techniques to try… hmmm…. I’ll have to see. Shit are there pornography on how to masturbate… lol… maybe that’s an option.. lol.. i don’t know, but I’m curious. I don’t think I’m at that point yet, but I could probably get there if I need to… lol… but I know it’s my mind… it was my conditioned mind that was stopping me… that’s where I have to put the focus on how to relax it enough… I know I will get there. In many ways I’m trying to get the masculine and feminine to attract each other. Again I’m a hopeful romantic and so I continue in different ways to close this distance that seems to been created in our society. In my experience I’ve been trying to embrace both my femininity and masculinity… understand the balance that fits me. I can generally speak about the women around my age is learning to embrace their masculinity too. Some may even take it to extremes because it’s common for the pendulum to swing too far when they are making adjustments… but I see more of the youth more comfortable with expressing both their masculinity and femininity… which I feel is a good thing. It’s when people put their judgements on what they think they should be doing and how they should be doing it does it create toxicity. I know many people who complain about the youth, but the youth that I speak with… I’m hopeful… lol… not that they don’t have a lot to learn, but they’ve got great intelligence and I can find deeper conversations with the youth then I can with some of the elderly or my age. Existence is continually increasing consciousness… and I can see it in my experiences. But it’s not they’re turn to be in leadership roles right now… So if they are patient they won’t have to defend or question themselves as much. I’d love for them to gain enough consciousness to trust their individuality… if that causes people to get triggered… good… there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through… lol… I’ve tried to stop triggering people but I guess that’s just how it works right now… I’m not trying to trigger anyone, but if it happens… there’s a lesson to be learned by the person who is being triggered. I used to try to appease people’s feelings, but if that leads me to be untrue to my authenticity… then I’m going to be me and whatever happens happens. I know I’ll continue to be a better communicator to even warn them that my response may trigger you or rub you the wrong way… but that’s not my intention. My intention is to be true to me and respect you… and if it happens to differ then we can continue the conversation without shutting down or creating walls. Lol… I’m not sure who I hear this from, but I believe it’s one of the tarot readers say… rejection is your protection…lol… if there is a wall that goes up… then that’s a good time to go in a new direction. Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way, but for now that is the case…lol So I’m supposed to be meeting with the other gentleman who wants to share ceremony with me. I’m hoping his wife will be there too. She was there when we met in person the first time. He and I have been texting since briefly but I thought it beneficial to have them both involved. I’ve been checking up on them on social media and it looks like he’s doing really well. I’m excited and curious how our conversation will go. I’m sure I’ll be talking about this Journal… lol.. so I’ll remember to ask permission to discuss our conversation before I head out. But yeah this seems like a good stopping point.

Ok… well today I continued my napping… lol… even my dad asked me if I feel alright.. i said yes but I just feel tired… so I slept…lol… now that I’ve gotten rid of many things I’m back to organizing them… lol… I’d like to get the studio organized for my dad… I’d like for him to know where I’m storing things so he doesn’t have to ask… he can just grab and go. He’s already thinking about changing up his bedroom again. He still wants to be able to have. A hot tub and sleep in the space and he’s lifting everything up. I think he’s going to do a loft style bed instead of having to lift up the flooring and removing his bed. He said he wants to use my space as a changing room/ closet so that’s nice to know. I can start hopefully clearing out his clothes in the closet that he never uses. They’ve been sitting in there unused for I don’t know how many years… I’ve mentioned to him maybe we can go through it… but of course it’s not the most fun thing to do, but I think I can work it out with him. We’ve had some rainy days the last few days which is hopeful. I’d like to clean and organize the kitchen soon. He’s been trying to hook the water through the water heater and run new lines to the bathroom to get that a little more easy to use. I’m going to see if he’s ready to talk to the water company. There’s been this leak going on for over 10 years now and they’ve shut off the main valve. I think he’s going to worry about digging up his back yard because of his trees… but I figure it he can do it now before he adds more would be best…. But I’ll see what he’s thinking. I’d rather have it as easy as it can be for him. But he can be set in his ways… so we’ll see I’ve been thinking a little more about attending church with my grandma. lol… I don’t mind attending church with people but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to hear service and it’s been interesting listen to them. First of all I did like them having several ministers speaking and they all have their own interpretation on the subjects they are focusing on. Even if they had slightly different views it’s nice to have the variety and also nice to know that the congregation should infer if their leaders have various views then they can as well. The last time there was a younger man who led the service and I hadn’t heard him speak before. I’ve seen him play the piano and I really enjoy his family… his wife, his daughter, and his son. I actually talked to the daughter most. How people treat her sometimes… she likes to talk with people and of course everyone is trying to hush her up or at least make sure she knows she’s supposed to be quiet during service. As far as I can see she is extremely bright. I think it’s obvious to her that she’s going to be respectful during service but before and after she likes to socialize. The last time we spoke we found out we are both learning Spanish and so we were practicing together. I feel she knows more than I do… and again it’s less stressful learning with children. Lol.. my grandma hushes me too every time we enter the building. It’s funny to me… because I’m just literally talking normal and I’m just having conversation with her as we are nearing the front door. I open that door and finishing a sentence and there comes the hushing. It doesn’t enter into the church… there’s a hallway… and even a vestibule/ sitting area to enter before the chapel. It’s just funny, but anyway… the topic he was talking about was doubt. It was a continuation I guess from their service for Easter last week. He leads the youth and he likes to teach in threes so it’s easy to remember and it was… lol… he wanted to focus on that we all have doubt, we all need faith, and we need to have a system when we find ourselves in doubt. Instead of going over his beliefs I want to see what I had gained from being involved with listening to his words. We all have doubt: yes I’ve had doubt, but I also feel that this doubt doesn’t always have to be present. I feel like most of my work is to overcome my fears and doubts and I’ve been making great strides to understand this. I recall different spiritual leaders I have observed and there is something I run into at times. There was a women group in Peru that I attended their group and it was lovely and granted I didn’t understand it fully but I had friends helping me translate and a lot could be interpreted closely. It types to what I wanted to discuss with this gentleman too. They want people to accept they have doubt, fear, sadness, anger, and a feeling of loss. I feel like they want people to understand that these feelings are common for the human collective… they don’t encourage someone to feel alone when they feel these things. The women were tying it together by purging these feelings that might be stagnant in them. They set up a little alter with natural elements to use as a symbol to clear or cleanse these fears, sadness, anger, or feeling of loss. Many women were emotionally purging and expressing which was beautiful. I was waiting to see what their next step was, but there wasn’t any… I ended up going to two of the leaders of the women’s group and I asked them if they anticipate a time in their lives that they won’t have to experience fear, sadness, anger, or loss? They said it was impossible. I asked maybe they haven’t experienced it yet, but does their spirituality give inspiration to eventually be able to live a life without those feelings? They said no. During this event I was observing but I didn’t feel like participating in the purging process because at that time I didn’t feel like purging anything. It was my first and only time sharing this space with these women… and so I did feel bad for not participating. But at that moment I didn’t know of anything to purge and so I was respectful to them but I didn’t want to create something to be sad about, or create something to be mad about , or create something to be fearful or, or create something to feel loss for when I didn’t feel like that in that moment… I guess I wasn’t ready to process things I went through during some of my ceremonies at that time, but honestly none of those feelings came up. I was more into observing and also curious to what their leaders were wanting to teach. When it came to this minister he had made a comment that if you are someone who doesn’t think you have doubt then that’s more of a concern then admitting you have doubt. And yes I can agree to this to some degree. But there can be a different state that might seem like they are behaving in the same manner, but there reasoning may be different. Right if someone is not aware they are experiencing doubt and they are just trying to pressure themselves to ignore the doubt they might feel could be one way… They may experience doubt but deny it to themselves and others because they don’t want to admit this happens to them. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the place where I know I have doubts and instead of expressing them… I would hold them in a let them fester inside without really knowing what I should do with these doubts. I also have found that festering inside was not helping me but learning how to purge and process these doubts as more beneficial. The purging is releasing what could be said as the toxicity is was creating sitting inside. But the processing is just as important then the purging. Again this is what I try to explain in ceremony with my guests. I tell them this is a purging ceremony… we’re going to work together and try to release and purge whatever we can and as much as we can. It will be as if we start you back as a clean slate. But what we choose to do from this point forward will determine what comes back in and how quickly. So that’s where the processing or integration comes into play. This is where the real work begins. I speak with them and I mention a few areas in their life they admitted needs work and desires to be changed. I’ll let them know… so these specific areas you will have to figure out a way to approach differently then what you remember, because what you remember will keep you playing out the same story over and over again. If you keep doing this then we’ll just fill ourselves back up with the toxicity that we just got rid of. But I told them… they can find their own ways to clear this out of their systems. I’ve learned how to clear my system out. I don’t remember all the time to do this and so ceremony has to remind me… hey there… you’ve been paying too much attention to others you aren’t noticing your own energy is being diluted with toxicity that doesn’t need to be there…. So we’re going to have you focus on yourself right now. I’m usually very grateful because I realize I have blind spots and it’s a new process for me so I’ll forget, but to have gentle reminders is good and I’m grateful. Let’s continue… but can I intuit that I’m working my way to not experience doubt anymore. Honestly yes… I’m already experiencing that my judgements on myself, others, and existence was out of a place of being like unconscious. I’m realizing that I was conditioned to judge myself, others, and existence by a like unconscious society. But I’m already understanding that I don’t want to judge myself anymore and I can see that this will be the state I’m going to live. The more I live in this state the more I will not want to judge others or existence. Existence is something I cannot explain… it’s ultimate consciousness which knows the overall goal of elevating universal consciousness but it can weave miracles in and around the universe to create this and depending on our level of consciousness we’ll judge it or be in awe of it. I’m in awe of existence. I’m learning to trust existence completely and learning to trust myself completely that I truly can intuit and work towards a state of no doubt. I see this state as different then the first state of no doubt… the first state of no doubt was actually a mask pretending that doubt did not exist. If someone isn’t working themselves to the latter state of no doubt, then people who are working on this state… they will assume it’s impossible or not understand us who want to obtain this state for ourselves. This is a good way to lead into the next topic he wanted to address was we all need faith. He had a good reasoning behind his statements… he said that we live on faith all the time. We have faith that the sun is going to come up and go down. Lol… he spoke about his trusty coffee maker he has faith in to work for him every morning. But he said he knows many skeptics who literally live in fear that the sun will not rise again. And they can be at this state because they don’t have faith. He also mentioned how one morning his trusty coffee maker died one morning but instead of losing his faith, he went and purchased almost the exact same model to replace it. He continued to recall tidbits of the resurrection of Jesus which was being discussed because of Easter. He said that hearing about these events he could understand people can have doubts that Jesus died and was able to resurrect himself three days later. He said he’s never seen anyone else do this so it can cause him to have doubt that this could or did happen. He said he lives his life with faith and using his belief systems trusts that this event did happen. Using his system he creates to help him in moments of doubt. I’ll get back to this in a little bit, but right now I’d like to explore the word faith and direct experience. Maybe I feel like there needs to be a distinction made. Obviously if we are students of Leo… he’s been able to communicate in a much larger capacity to this then I am and how much I want to go into it now. But I didn’t really see his examples of faith as the best examples except this concept that Jesus died and resurrected. That to me was his faith statement. The sun rising is more of a direct experience that has been consistent enough to not unstable him from worrying that the sun will not rise the next day. Again the coffee maker was also a direct experience which was consistent enough for him to rely on it to work until it didn’t, but he gained enough direct experience to not have this unstable his by going and purchasing a replacement. Now what happens when the sun doesn’t return the next day? Would we have enough direct experience to be able to stable ourselves to continue? It’s hard to assume how I would respond, but again I am gaining so much trust in myself and existence that if that was to happen… I feel like I’m working my way to accept this event and continue to live without doubt because there’s reasons why existence has created this for me to experience. I guess this goes back to just my studies of world religions and oversimplifying it greatly but to keep it brief and direct to what I’m trying to convey here is… there are individuals who have Awakened or became Enlightened to the fact that death does not exist. Existence exists regardless if perceived as a physical or a nonphysical manner. When we’ve had direct experience of this… if existence decides it’s time to remove the sun from the picture… this doesn’t mean death. Death is not what we think it is until we have a direct experience of death as a continuation of existence in a different form. So technically it may cause death to this shared perceived physical world but it’s not the end of it all. There is no end… existence will continue to exist. We intuit these spiritual leaders have gone through direct experiences that have led them to live lives that seem god-like because it’s so different from what we experience on the day to day with other people maybe. I’ve spoken to people… family members even, who look at Jesus as god-like and completely give up their chance to live like Jesus… he’s too grand and special… they are not worthy of obtaining these qualities for themselves. I’m not a Christian but I tell them… I want to live like Jesus… I want to have direct experiences of being like Jesus, but in my own way. Not only are they comfortable with me not being Christian, but the nerve to think I am worthy to be on equal grounds as Jesus is just insane. They pray for me. I’ve spoken to people who are inspired by the Buddha… I like their approach as well, because with Buddha they seem his as a human… they want to follow his teachings because with his techniques they know they will be on equal grounds of the Buddha. I know some realize this but maybe some do not… Jesus and the Buddha did not have teachers correct? Well they might have had teachers but they didn’t follow blindly… they really created something unique to their way of learning and gaining understanding of higher spiritual teachings. They didn’t have books telling them what to do. How is this possible? How could they possibly obtain higher wisdom without others telling them what to do and how to think? How could they create certainty in themselves they were doing the right thing to lead them the right way to get to where people can only imagine to obtain? And because we imagine we really don’t know unless…. We found our own way to understand. And that’s what i have to say from here… I don’t know how they did it. But I know I found a way for myself. Everything becomes my teachers… I realized existence is my teacher… which includes everything… which includes myself. I was able to gain an understanding where what I experience I can listen to myself to help guide me at the state and time of my understanding. For me I had to go through a series of experiences to learn what I could and then continue to learn more. I don’t need faith to guide me any longer because I’ve had a direct experience that existence is infinite. As infinity I had a choice to continue experiencing in this physical manner or not. I chose to continue and I enjoy experiencing… what else can I do with my time… lol… if I only exist… I have time to direct my focus here. Faith is not the only way to live… there are larger existential questions that can be directly experienced so faith transforms to knowing or being. Actually I’m definitely ok in saying I don’t know… Again I am choosing to learn not to know. When I experienced infinity excites me because I love to learn and I know i won’t stop in my learning… that’s amazing for me and very satisfying. And instead of what I once thought I wanted to learn everything… I‘ve changed to wanting to dive deeper into my interests. Yes I know when I get introduced to new areas this will help inspire me to gain deeper depths in things I’ve been learning for years. I can reason out that my entire existence is to get to know myself… and even with an infinite existence it’s never final in my learning… that’s quite remarkable. I want to keep my thoughts flowing and finish my thoughts of the ministers topics. His final topic was to create a system to help when in doubt. He mentioned his community referring to the church, and also the teachings of people who are more experienced than himself. I think at this point he had mentioned a book “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen Covey. I had read this book and found it helpful at the time I read it… I could see how much I was overworking and doublechecking my coworkers at the time, because I didn’t have much trust in their abilities. I knew my father was the one person I trusted to most… and when we work together how easier it was for me and how much faster it was because I trusted him. I can’t remember everything… it’s been awhile and that insight helped guide me to build relationships differently than what I was doing at the time. But I did laugh… I’m trying to remember what his insight was out of the book… but it was different than my insight. And that makes sense… we are interpreting words differently than others and that’s a good thing. We can have communities and teachers to help us in doubt… but ultimately we have to trust ourselves. I also was laughing to myself because he said when reality kicks you hard and you lose your sense of direction and filled with doubt… if you were to do it on your own… it would be traumatic. That was a good description of how I felt when I went through my last three ceremonies by myself. They were so mind blowing to me at the time that I tried to reach out to the communities that I thought was going to help support me through the process… There were fellow Aya spiritualists that I tried to speak with who were saying I’m crazy. I went to the three most influential men in my life who also said I was crazy… i spoke to non Aya friends who know me quite well who were also implying I’m crazy but in a sweet way… lol… I knew I wasn’t crazy but I also knew what I was saying could sound crazy to anyone else because they didn’t experience what I did. So I knew… there was no one to turn to… I only had myself and at the time… I was trying to find a sanctuary to isolate myself so I can process and integrate… I didn’t know where to go at first. I thought an ashram but I didn’t have the money to go. I thought there was an opportunity to rent a hut outside of Machu Picchu from a friend of a friend which didn’t fall through. It started getting close to summer and my routine was telling me… I ran out of time.. it’s time to work so go back to the mountains to work… but i knew working was what I needed… I needed a sanctuary. I even tried to just relax like a retiree there… I went camping with my buddy and we did a roadtrip together… but I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed. I tried to work and I knew it wasn’t going to work and even though it was fun for a second I quickly became irritable because I knew I was ignoring my need for solitude. At last I thought I could go back to my dad’s place. Again that wasn’t an option because I thought the hoarding was going to be too much for me to handle… but it doesn’t take me long to get things done…. So clearing out a space to have a bedroom and a studio space wasn’t hard… but again I forgot how autonomous I was with my dad. My dad has always allowed freedom and patience and love for me. He doesn’t have to understand my spirituality… but he loves me and he knew I needed this time and space to hermit. It was exactly what I needed and it surprises me that it took me so long to think of it… lol… so again… I did have to find a community… a community that I had used in over 20 years. But being in this town there is a sense of comfort and safety that I can say I don’t find anywhere else… at least right now. I was still in deep in my conditioning in a less conscious way. But I felt I could really let my hair down here and again my dad’s approach to life and parenting has really helped me develop my style in a more authentic manner. If I needed this time… he will give me this time. I don’t ask for much so I’m not going to deplete him of his resources. I hope he feels I give him value in my company. I guess in a way I worked myself into a way of finding guidance in teachers who are more experienced than myself… I found myself on the forum… lol.. and the first few messages I was getting from Leo… not that they were directed at me… but again I can use words to get more own direction… he is an amazing trigger for me to look deeper in myself to find my own answers. It was great he said no one on the forum is Awakened… and right away I was damn it… well maybe I’m not. But he knows he can’t tell us if we are or not… we have to know it for ourselves. Lol… believe me when I went through those ceremonies of Awakening I wanted to celebrate… finally holy shit.. I’ve done the work and I’ve finally got here… I want to celebrate but when I told anyone of my communities… that added to them thinking i was crazy… lol… so there was no one to celebrate with… but I still hadn’t integrate what the difference was in this transformation… and using the Journal on this Forum has been a blessing to help me realize how differently I’m interacting with my mind… it’s been fascinating. I’m trying to give a picture through this Journal but the reality of it is unexplainable. Although that won’t stop me from trying.. lol.. I knew from my first attempt to write my first entry that I had awakened… I went through a very spiritual purification connecting deeply with myself and the music and everything came together and I knew I had awakened. I knew that I’m going to transform myself to become abundant and allow attraction in… but when I went to post… it all erased. At first i was shocked and was like why? Well… I needed to use this process to better explain it to myself and to anyone else who might be interested in these things… lol. Again I don’t know all the details that are coming up in my life, but I’m certain the more clarity I have the easier it will be to continue. I love challenges, but I’m looking for more ease too. Ok… I think it’s a good time to break… but because of my nap… I’m still ready to move forward in my learning.

Mindset: Be a 2-year-old, like the gentleman below. And just look if its doable. And scare the adults And a Meditation Technique that allows you to carry the meditation as soon as possible (but not before) off the pillow, into daily life. For example "Pointing Out the Great Way, Daniel Brown". Starting with the Yoga of One Taste, it can be done off the pillow, while working and in daily life. Realistically, only when you can use large parts of your life for meditation you can bring enough "momentum" to get visual field to become nondual and mere groundless appearance. But that can be done living a normal life with a normal job. At least my experience. Starting Yoga of One Taste (for example in the book above, Page 382, " Bringing Forth Awakened Wisdom by Cognition- and Perception-Simultaneousness"), you can take the mental continuum INCLUDING thoughts as "meditation-object", and still don't loose Mindfulness. Its an advanced technique, and needs previous concentration meditation and practice on the pillow. But if you can do it, you can use large parts of your day. Maybe not highly distracting conversations in the beginning, but most of the rest. (One Taste in the Yoga of One Taste means Nonduality. The visual field gets nondual if you do that long enough. The One Taste of all arisings thoughts/perceptions/exerpiences/world bubble). Take that book as your bibel (if you are so inclined ), practice, read it 5-10 times, because you need practice-experience to understand the more advanced parts. For me, it worked nicely. And some Psychedelics to get previews of what its all about.... Bon voyage! Selling Water by the River