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If you want to commit suicide you've already done it; the pleasure here is in exposing it (in this case, on an online forum). There are plenty of ways to lose yourself, free yourself, and cumming without committing suicide. The world does indeed impose a certain degree of castration; you can't kill people for example lol; but you overestimate it, which pushes you toward psychotic episodes; because of decompression. You have no idea what will happen after death, and you only have this idea because something is pushing you in that direction, and what's pushing you in that direction is the belief that you can't express your energy in the world.

Keep fucking with me I am on the brink of suicide and you keep fucking with me you are just like nahm when soonhei ended up jumping you are about to be my own NAHM I hate you

### Owen Cook's "Endless Motivation" Masterclass: The Complete Breakdown (2025 Cut) This is the single most confrontational, high-octane, no-bullshit execution talk Owen has ever delivered. It’s not feel-good spirituality. It’s not another “meditate and manifest” video. It’s a war cry against the modern trance state he calls “derping” — and a complete system to become a relentless executor who actually gets massive results in every area of life. Core Framework: The Three States 1. Derper – Passive, numb, autopilot, path of least resistance. Driven by junk food, dopamine hits, short attention spans, fear of thinking (cortisol). Most of society lives here. This is the “2 + 2 = 5 because they said so” zombie mode. 2. Executor – You accept the cortisol of thinking. You force yourself to stay conscious. You fight the derp every single day with religious intensity. This is the foundation. 3. Transcendent – The higher spiritual states only become stably accessible AFTER you master execution. You can’t transcend while you’re still a derper eating Cheetos and forgetting where you put your keys. Key Insight Execution itself is a meditation. Sitting on a cushion for 20 minutes is great for ego dissolution, but if you’re still derping the other 23 hours and 40 minutes, you’re deluding yourself. Execution meditation (constantly breaking autopilot, asserting, auditing, pushing resistance) is the skeleton that allows real transcendence to grow flesh on it. The 25 Execution Meditation Practices (The Actual System) 1. Assert yourself in every situation (move chairs, lead the group, give energy). 2. Write everything down immediately — billionaires do, broke people think they’re too smart to need to. 3. Double/triple/quadruple check everything. Assume your brain is trying to trick you into laziness. 4. Do new things daily that scare your autopilot (left-hand brushing, cold showers, harder routes). 5. Constantly ask: “What else could I be doing with this time right now?” 6. Ruthlessly cut time-wasting activities (gossip, victimhood, mindless scrolling = spiritual suicide). 7. Audit in advance: “What could go wrong? How could this be misinterpreted?” 8. Extend your attention span deliberately — read the hardest books (Ulysses, Atlas Shrugged) until your brain stops begging for a nap. 9. Always choose the path of most resistance and most effort (stairs, not elevator; fix the thing now, not later). 10. Take total responsibility for yourself AND everyone around you — anticipate their derping too. 11. Proactively raise your emotional ceiling — get addicted to 9/10 states, not 5/10 numbness. 12. Stick to your principles even when it’s socially costly (don’t get dragged into pig-wrestling). 13. Seek truth, not popularity. Train yourself to think “Is this accurate?” not “Will this get me approved?” 14. Solve the hardest version of every problem (film in grizzly country, not your bedroom). 15. Think from other people’s paradigms constantly — marketing, leadership, conflict resolution all come from this. 16. Stop seeking ego-stroking “How was that?” from friends. Know your own standard. 17. Access transcendent states through flow, contribution, and pushing your edge — not just substances. 18. Install new empowering beliefs deliberately. 19. Seek brutal feedback only from people whose results you respect. 20. Connect every present action to its future consequence in real time. 21. When the inner voice says “you’re being lazy,” obey it instantly — no negotiation. 22. Test yourself in fluid, chaotic situations (sports, nightlife, crises) — normalcy bias kills. 23. Practice holding 20+ spinning plates in your mind at once. 24. Take extreme ownership — you are the white ball on the pool table, not the colored one. 25. Realize, multiple times per day, that you are in a trance — and snap out of it immediately. The Brutal Truth Owen Hammered Home Society is engineered to keep you derping (garbage food, jump-cut media, degenerate role models, fear porn). The people at the very top do not respect you. They think you’re food. They are correct — until you prove otherwise by executing so hard you become undeniable. Most “spiritual” content keeps you comfortable in derp mode because that’s where the money is (twin flames, LOA parking-spot manifestation, etc.). Real awakening requires you to first become a conscious executor who refuses the trance. Final Line That Should Be Tattooed on Your Brain “Any failure you have from this day forward is 100% on you. I just spent hours screaming this in your face. There’s nothing more a human can do.” If you actually implement even half of these 25 practices for 90 days, your life will be unrecognizable. Most people will watch this, nod, feel motivated for 12 hours… then go right back to derping. Don’t be most people. Fight the derp until you die. Your future self (and the world) is begging you to.

To not commit suicide, And boy is it hard..

I found this post on reddit and want to know what ya'll think about it... 25 years of Trump & Epstein "Friendship"! 2000: Trump learns Epstein trafficked and "stole" underaged masseuse Virginia Giuffre from Trump's adult spa. 2002: Trump says “I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” 2003: Trump sends note to Epstein: "may every day be another wonderful secret". 2007: Trump Bans Epstein from mar-a-lago after Trump got into a bidding war for a mansion they both were interested in. Epstein indicted. Epstein is tipped off in advance that he is about to be raided, and hires cleaners to wipe his hard drives and remove everything. Nevertheless, there is so much evidence that the police still found tons of homemade child porn and other incriminating documents, including instructions how to take delivery of a girl he bought in Thailand. 2008: Prosecutor Alex Acosta gave Epstein a sweet plea deal that destroyed all the evidence, and, get this: granted immunity to any unindicted co-conspirators. You read that right, Epstein's original FL plea deal not only wiped his record and gave him immunity, it also gave immunity to everyone he committed crimes and raped kids with, known and unknown! 2017: Acosta, who gave Epstein and all his co-child rapists immunity, becomes Trump's Secretary of Labor. 2019: Epstein is jailed again on new sex-trafficking charges. Under Trump's command, the federal prison where Epstein is being held takes him off suicide watch, moves him to a solitary cell where the cameras outside are not working, and forgets to make their rounds at the same that three minutes of camera footage are deleted from the hallway camera, during which Epstein dies. 2020-2024: The Biden administration prosecutes and convicts Ghislaine Maxwell, and begins sealed grand-jury investigations against other co-conspirators, in addition to releasing the largest trove of Epstein-related documents to date, including the "Epstein Tapes" in which Jeff Epstein (RIPiss) calls Trump his "closest friend for ten years". Trump campaigns on releasing ALL of the Epstein Files. Investigators find over 1.5$ BILLION USD of transactions connected to Epsteins bank accounts and are pursuing leads to find owners and recipients of those funds. 2025: Trump cancels the grand-jury investigations, fires the prosecutor, and claims Epstein is a "hoax" made up by Obama. Entire GOP votes to shut down the government in order to prevent a vote on the Epstein files. Trump DOJ has a secret meeting with Ghislaine and moves her to a fenceless minimum-security "club Fed" with work-release privileges. Trump administration intervenes to allow child sex-predator Tom Artiom Alexandrovich to flee to Israel in order to avoid criminal charges in Nevada. GOP Speaker of the house claims Trump was the FBI informant who brought down Epstein despite the same "informant" claiming it being a hoax by Obama... Which he is backtracked 2 days later. Trump ordered his DOJ and FBI to use over 1,000 FBI agents to redact his name from the Epstein files. Republicans voted to protect child rapists on Sep 10th. And have kept the government closed since October to prevent the seating of a elected democrat that would break the tie vote to release the epstein files. GOP is the party of pedophiles. Thoughts?

He doxxed the girlfriends and wives of multiple dating coaches and posted their photos to insult their looks, and I know another dating coach who said he had students who were arrested for following his advice. He also used the suicide of a social skills coach to insult him and advertise himself.

I went through a deep hopelessness this week. I think travelling I don’t sleep properly for 3 days. Then, starting this new job which is only for money I realized how I’ll have to endure actually doing it everyday…. I hate being a slave. Dark times, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. Things which I feel from time to time. I lose the big picture of my dreams and how I strategically chose these jobs to solve problems. It’s just u sense I’m getting older which creates this panic of running out of time. Old age does scared me and I worry I’ll be too old before my dreams can be made real. Then, suicide is the only option because I’m not living a shithole old age wage slave life. I’m gonna keep focusing on sleep because that seems to be the thing that’s helping me bounce back. I also enjoy breathwork, Qigong, acupressure and journaling to help ground me. …. life should be profound and awesome. I don’t want a boring life tbh. I want success, creativity, and to make and share music in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, for whatever reason that isn’t guaranteed which is really stupid design. Again, solipsism and tinnitus, and how fucking hard reality is is a stupid design. I’m not saying it should be so easy to not have value but… tinnitus is a stupid feature to reality. Fuck God for tinnitus. anyway, I’m off to be a fucking wage slave.

Yes you're right by well being i meant happiness not confort. Yes but I'll tell you that it's because what matters is social relationships, money, stress, etc. While you propose idealistic assumptions; we're back to square one. Btw if you look at suicide statistics worldwide, there is no significant correlation between suicide and lifestyle. https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liste_des_pays_par_taux_de_suicide#/media/Fichier:Map_of_countries_by_suicide_rate,_WHO_(2019).svg Worst than that; if you take the european map of suicide rate (https://partibreton.bzh/disparition-du-docteur-philippe-carrer-le-parti-breton-salue-le-travail-eclairant-de-lethnopsychiatre/carte-taux-de-suicide-en-europe/) you see that actually the areas with the lowest suicide rates are modern and densely populated regions. In France, the rural and sparsely populated west (Bretagne, Normandie...) has a high suicide rate, while Île-de-France—the wealthiest and most densely populated region, where Paris is located—has the lowest suicide rate. The same is true in Poland if you compare the rate in the Warsaw region to other, less developed regions; the same is true in Spain, Italy, Romania, and most countries except Germany, although the region around Berlin always has an "abnormally" low rate. Great Britain, which is quite densely populated and has one of the smallest and most closely packed houses in Europe, has one of the lowest suicide rates; despite the weather, lol. Conversely the highest rates are in Northern Europe and even (though not as clearly seen) in Russia, in supposedly traditional northern qnd eastern regions. The more traditional and sparsely populated the regions, the more people tend to commit suicide; the suicide rate in Moscow is one of the lowest in Russia. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Taux_régionaux_de_suicide_en_Russie_(2015).png

I'm moving away from insisting on a mechanically comprehensible meaning of life. The meaning of my life is whatever I'm doing right now. My reason to keep living is to keep doing whatever that happens to be. I know I'm going to die one day, but I don't know when or how. Insisting on knowing everything ultimately leads to insisting on knowing when and how I'm going to die, which is simply an act of suicide.

"SPRING SUICIDE" Dosage: 75-150ug Height/weight: 6'1, 140lbs Setting: Public Beach Time: 8:00pm Mindset: Calm. Excited. No current major life events. Hopeful. A deep sense that today is the "right" day Intention: Wanting change, no matter it's form This would be my first time trying any psychedelic. I had decided on this day approximately a week in advance. One of the reasons I chose this day was because the full moon was supposed to come out that night. I guess I thought it would make it more special. In the past, I had read extensively about LSD, many trip reports, and understood its safety parameters, typical/atypical effects, and potentially significant risks--including brain damage and losing grip with reality. I've read about nonduality, panpsychism, and the limits of rationality in the past-- but on that particular day, much of that knowledge was not on the forefront of my mind. The day itself started off fairly normal; I had gone about my duties calmly and slowly--with intention. I don't know why, but I had skipped breakfast that day, which was unusual for me. For lunch (12:00pm) I went to the grocery store and bought myself a familiar meal I've eaten throughout the years—one that brings me comfort: Baked chicken thighs with fried rice. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every bite of it in the peaceful solitude of my room. I remember watching Squid Game Season 2 while I was eating. For those familiar with trips—this may have been a bad idea, the violence of that series is not something I potentially needed in my headspace. I remember a song played during the episode, it was a cover of the Frank Sinatra song, "Fly Me to the Moon". I thought that was funny. I took a relaxing, untimed nap after my meal. Waking up, I felt amazingly refreshed and strong. Let us now skip to the evening time. At 7pm, I placed the ziplock bag containing the blotted paper LSD tabs in my pocket and set out on my walk. The walk to the beach was a little less than 1 hour, and I had checked that the sunset was happening around 7:50. Perfect. The weather was calm, clouds and deep blue skies with warm temperate air. It was spring! The walk itself was tranquil and memorable. My neighborhood had such colorful flora blooming in full glory that month. I walked with a slight smile. **When I finally arrived at the beach, I selected an isolated spot near the shore and on the rocks-- away from people. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I sat comfortably, and watched the sun start its descent. At 8pm I placed one of the tabs sublingually. I waited. The sky was starting to become hazy. Soon some stars emerged. Then, at about 8:30pm I noticed something. The waves in the distance were undulating, rippling in an impossible fashion. They started to ripple heavily into the air, as if the entire body of water was boiling and slowly evaporating into the air. This effect got closer and closer until it reached the waves closest to me. I was shocked. My eyes widened in amazement. I looked up at the clouds, they seemed normal. I looked away at the now darkening sky. It started to feel as if I was looking at it for the first time in my life. When I looked back at the clouds, their shape had completely changed from before! It had only been a few seconds since I last looked at them. It was, sort of funny. I attempted to reproduce the effect and looked away and then back at the clouds. It happened again! It was a slight distortion of the shape, nothing dramatic. But all of this felt as if the clouds were playing a big game of peek-a-boo, and I was the baby. It was kind of, hilarious... I started to chuckle. And then I started to laugh. I couldn't tell you why it was so funny. I started to laugh harder and harder. I couldn't stop. It was uncontrollable. I don't know if I've ever let out such deep, guttural laughs in my entire life. I felt like the Joker character, when only he's privy to a certain joke. But what the hell was the joke here? I suppose the clouds and I were just playing—like children. I continued crying and howling in laughter for almost 30min, attempting to suppress it in the in-between moments—but to no avail. Next, I gawked at the stars. One particular group/constellation stood out to me. After looking it up later on, I believe now that it was the Big Dipper. The stars Dubhe, Megrez, Phecda, and Merak stared back at me with an unimaginable and glaring intensity. Have they always been that bright? I could feel them looking, observing me with wide eyes. They gazed with a fierce, hot-blooded quality about them. It was almost terrifying, but impossible to look away. It was like this for a few moments. Then, just then, at that moment, they spoke something to me. Not in words, no, they spoke despite anatomy. Without vocals, sounds, or a chance of misunderstanding. At first, I didn't understand what was said. And then, horrifyingly, I do. Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing the joyous ones from before. Sadness, with a staggering depth of which I didn't know was possible, enveloped me completely. I sniffled silently at first. The shape of the stars began to slightly melt. A few moments later I started to sob. I cried and cried until I was a wailing mess. I roared out sounds from deep within my diaphragm, sounds I didn't know I was even capable of producing. The stars now looked like wax dripping from a candle. They were crying too. They cried alongside me, with me, and for me. But why? I turned my sniveling head and soon heard the trees, grass, waves, clouds...everything, starting to cry. Weeping the saddest song I have ever heard in my life. It made me cry even harder. We were all in unison now. Like a chorus of melancholy. But why? What were we crying about? I continued to weep until I was keeled over and shaking; I wanted to ball up into a fetal position to feel safe. As I looked around, there was something there... I detected this presence. It was scary at first, but soon became comforting, as if to say, "it's ok, you're ok". I felt "myself" slip away in sadness as the universe and I continued to cry together. The process continues to occur inexorably. Around maybe 30-40 more minutes of this and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I understood. Of course, we were, all of us, mourning. Mourning a death. The death of "me". No, not my body. That was still intact. My heart was still beating. It was the death of me. The identity, the problems, the stories, the lies, the truths, the ugliness, the beauty, the memories, all of it, was dying. All of it was being burned into ashes and thrown into the wind. I found no reason to resist. I surrendered. On April 12, 2025, I died. As I calmed down, I could sense "my" mind working faster than ever before. Allowing it to happen, the lethal realization of before settled into me. I stood up, as if born again. I understood the "joke" the clouds were babbling about earlier. It was my life. A grand joke in its entirety, until now... and today, the punchline was grasped. Nothing could be funnier. I let out a contorted chuckle. I could now view myself from multiple perspectives. The vantage point of the stars was now mine. Same with the trees. "Nature" was, in every essence, me. I looked down at the grass, and I could see myself! As if looking from behind the mirror. I walked and the grass beckoned for me to touch with my bare feet. I "spoke", "maybe next time!". The grass laughed. I heard the waves crashing against the dock and it called to me. I walked towards it and reached the edge. Looking above the water, the night sky was so brilliant now. I was thankful for a clear night. I did a 180, turned around and then saw it. The full moon, teased just slightly above the tree lines of my neighborhood. My jaw almost hit the floor as I beheld it. Such absolute beauty! I knew it was on the rise and I wanted all of it. I walked toward the local hot dog store and called an Uber. I knew I was in no condition to undertake the hour walk back home. I waited. My mind grasped the trees. They whispered jokes. I snickered and chuckled like a madman. The stars, clouds, grass, and trees all claimed that they were always here! That it was always like this. That I just never noticed them They asked if I would kindly return one day. I promised that I would. I probably looked insane to an outside observer. I exuded disorder. Finally, when the driver arrived, I entered after asking the name, and we took the drive to my address. We made some small talk. I tried to behave and keep repressed the emotions that were rising inside me. I remember the driver commented on the moon. I let out a contorted chuckle. After we reached my home, I thanked him and wished him a good night. As I walked up the driveway to my stairs, I could feel something, this energy rising inside me, I knew it would surface soon. I. HAD. TO. GET. IN. MY. ROOM. I opened the door to my house and, unfortunately, my roommates stood there, one in the living room, the other close to the kitchen. I will refer to them as (not real names) Abe (he/him) and Zoey (she/her). I had told Zoey about my intention to use LSD that day, but the only thing I wanted at that moment was solitude. Abe: "Hey bud" Zoey: "Get any cool visuals!?" Me: "Oh fuck". Abe: "Alright, let's get you grounded" Zoey: "Nope" I left immediately. I walked outside for a bit, unable to take my eyes off the moon. It was SEXY. That was the only appropriate word. I wanted to fuck its brains out. Like my survival depended on it. I needed it. But I also wanted to make love to it slowly... That energy inside me threatened to let itself out. I knew I wouldn't last long now. I decided to wait outside in the backyard until my roommates left the living room because I didn't want them, or anyone for that matter, to see me like this. The backyard we had was large. I stepped into its clearing and sat under the trees and flowers. The tree branches were lit by yellow wire-lights set by our neighbor. It looked so beautiful. As I sat there, the fallen leaves on the floor started to move and shift their shape. They matched my breathing. Every breath I took in, was an inhalation mirrored by them. I exhaled. The shapes of the leaves twisted and bent into serpents. Luminous, bright serpents, about 1 foot long, now slithered toward me. I welcomed them. They appreciated my permission, wrapped around my legs and slowly made their way to my torso, arms, then head. They were divine. I could hear them next to my ear, whispering secrets which seemed to "reprogram" my neurology. My thoughts raced. My breath quickened. I could feel my pupils dilate to their maximum capacity. I was becoming inhuman. I felt like a painting or a piece of art. I never felt so beautiful. Not in a vain sort of way, I just felt no shame in that moment. I could have been naked and it wouldn't have mattered. Then, I remembered my objective. I stood up and started walking. I made my way to the driveway again and caught sight of the moon. It was comically large now. I've never seen such intense glow. It was almost too much. My heart beat faster. I was completely seduced. I squirmed at the sight of it. I tried to calm myself. It screamed for me to come. The energy inside of me was rising up my spinal column...I didn't time this correctly, did I? I knew I had to go into my room and be in privacy. But I decided to wait out a little longer outside. I went to the local park next. Luckily nobody was there. I stood on the grass, breathed deep and sighed. There was one dim white streetlight, but everything else was very dark otherwise. However, the trees and the grass in the park were soaring with vibrant green. It was stunning. I wanted to sink, to be fully gone and be one of them. The beauty was too much for me. Barely able to stand anymore, I dropped to my knees. My palms found themselves placed on the grass. Both hands start to meld and dissolve into the earth. I was frozen. I let it happen. I didn't want to move. And the moon watched all of this. The energy rose higher up my spinal column. "I. MUST. GO" I power walked back to my house. As someone who gets cold very easily, I could feel my body perceive the outside air as too cold, but the energy inside of me burned with such heat that it didn't matter. As I walked, I exclaimed every couple of seconds, "Ah I get it! Hahaha, I get it now!" "Oh, you sexy thing", I kissed the moon goodbye, she winked back. I opened the house door and quietly crept downstairs to my room and locked my door, hoping not to disturb anyone. FINALLY. My light was on. It NEEDED to be turned off. My clothes were on. They NEEDED to be stripped off. I felt the rush of that "first time" feeling when you are about to have sex with someone you've been having intense feelings for (if one would be so lucky as to experience this). I turned on my corner fan to drown out any possible noises I may make. My bed is essentially a sleeping bag and mattress on my ground carpet. I crawled into a ball on the far corner of it, naked as the day I was born, and felt safe. There was no turning back now. My mouth dropped open from heavy breathing. Despite the cold, I started to sweat. My heart was pounding faster and louder. My brain was on fire. My spine burned from the rising. I perceived that this may get violent. I felt near apoplexy. I was blind, yet my vision was supernatural in its clarity and realness. I hallucinate. Scenes of psychic divinity stretching onward into geometric patterns of unwinding infinite complexity. I grasped the wholeness of it. The room was not my room anymore. It was alive, breathing deep alongside me. Everything inanimate was animate. Everything "other" was me. We were intertwined, inseparable, and as one--similar to the nature I perceived outside.Then, a thought occurred for a fraction of a nanosecond, "WAIT...ALL OF IT?"..."ALL OF IT!" I became extremely lucid, then broke through a threshold. Human larynx and language limited me now. There was only one word I couldn't help but utter after that. "GOD" Coiled and wrapped around my cervical vertebrae, the "energy" vibrated, then leapt, and finally latched onto my brain, proceeding to penetrate my very soul. My eyes rolled up and back. I went limp. My body convulsed and shook. My mouth gasped at air. My legs started to shake. ORGASM. As I exhaled, every few minutes, I moaned out softly, "OH..MY...G-O....G-OD..GOD". I dared to scream until the neighbors called the police. "OHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD!" There were earthquakes all over my body. Every cell of my body pulsed, achieving orgasm simultaneously. I writhed uncontrollably, violently. My abdominal muscles contracted and went into spasms. At long last, I penetrated the moon, a conjured substitute for the universe, and each micro and macroscopic part of my soul ejaculated. And yet I was being penetrated and having a double orgasm at the same time. How paradoxical. How appropriate. I understood the phrase "mind-fuck". My body was drenched in sweat. I heaved and gasped hard to keep up. This lasted for the next 7 hours, with each orgasm pushing further and further, crashing through me like waves on a shore-- to ever increasing heights of bliss. I felt love. It traced my form like soft fingers. It felt like that once in a lifetime kind of love. That first reciprocated love. To love completely, and be loved unconditionally in return. Everlasting. Fireworks. I understood the Hindu word, "ananda". For brief moments, my normal perception returned. Brief respite, but pained frenzy. My tongue drooled. Every fiber of my muscles twitched in post-orgasm. It was almost too much to bear anymore. How can something be THAT pleasurable? Terror and hysterical laughter at the thought...Then back to a perpetual explosion of fucking and being fucked. I achieved critical mass. I became an infinite dragon. Clad in turquoise armor, completely dilated black eyes, and possessing breath of creation and destruction; but granting immortality unto itself. A humming echo returned, as if always there, but remembered only now, like a triggered memory. My mind raced further-further back. The story of my life? Where was I from? Really, truly, from? A womb? But what about the source? Infinite regress. My vagina stretched wide as I screamed. A distant memory. I then gave birth. To a child—myself. MOTHER AND EARTH = I. The solar system, galaxy, clusters, void...I expanded further and further to include everything. Everything that has, is, and will ever exist. I was all and thus was the same for every "other". But we can go even further beyond. I willfully [hallucinated] existence. Alternate timelines—infinite possibilities and universes. Infinite variations in the laws of math, physics, chemistry, biology. If it is imaginable, it exists, somewhere, sometime, someplace. Minutes passed. I could hear the morning birds. As I creaked open my eyes, I was still on the mattress, hands clenching my hair. My sheets soaked in sweat. My throat was raw, probably from the screaming. I sat up and then stood. It was around 8am. The trip had lasted approximately 12 hours. A wave of tiredness came over me. I'd been awake all night. I looked at my hands. They looked foreign. Alien. Then came slow revelation. "I" understood now the mechanism of my thinking. I knew precisely how understanding happened and how it is recursive. "Self-aware" and "awake" are words that found new meaning. I felt more "sober" than I had ever been. I could see now how my mind operated. With almost every reaction to "reality" being a process born of identity and trauma. I saw the mental connections forming, interacting, and how every person is like this. We are the same. Seeking to love and be loved. Our survival depends on it. I was overwhelmed by all this new input. It was days and weeks before I controlled this new flood of filtering; underpinning sex, aggression, self-preservation, all the while disguised as "rational thoughts". I recognized how much of this is the cause of my mood, my motive-- behind every micro-action or decision. My memory and ability for pattern recognition felt easier and faster. Put simply, I felt more "aware" than before. I could see so clearly now that societal constructs, socialization, and socializing was-- low-- and at times--- high-stakes, survival. Survival of ideology, identity, goals, hopes, dreams, and stories we tell ourselves. These were necessary. A perfect balance of life. It was perfect. I do not claim to know the entirety of absolute truth/nature of the universe or that I am now all knowing. After contemplating, many questions still linger: The "perfect balance" of life is perfect and undoubtedly has meaning, but what is the meaning behind it? I do sense that what I grasped was merely one facet of a larger truth. This truth, I intuit, has infinite facets. Grasping them all in a lifetime is [impossible], but exploration/curiosity does drive me to seek and grasp further. Continued exploration of psychedelics [more responsibly next time] is needed. But for now, gratitude filled my cup. I had more to give. -Thank you for reading

Thoughts aren't actually real, which is the point, but they do drive you into action and create your reality. You don't really need to "respect" thoughts in my opinion in any kind of sense. Just change what you focus on. You can literally talk yourself out of a thought pattern like your talking to ChatGPT, to use a modern day example. Being suicidal is when you are run by negative thought patterns that interpret reality in such a way that you feel suicide is the only option. Suicide in of itself is a natural response to the sense of a helpless situation. The issue is that thoughts may or may not correspond with reality. At least to a certain degree, you are free to interpret reality however you want, which is especially true in first world countries where we have the free time to ponder while at the same time being socially isolate. Granted, I'm not a mentally ill person, so mileage may vary, but in my experience you have a lot of power to change your mind by changing what you focus on, thereby changing your reality. That is the power of mind. If you are seriously mentally ill then you probably would benefit from professional treatment. My perspective is not meant to belittle or undermine the difficulty of a sick mind, but I do believe that you have more power over your situation than you tend to think you do in most situations.

It seems contradictory to me to say both "The mind is very powerful" and "It's all in your head" in the same argument. In my experience, "It's all in your head" is typically a statement that dismisses the power of the mind. I'd rather lean toward the mind being very powerful, which is why I suggest facing thoughts with due respect as such. Some thoughts, including thoughts of suicide, can be very slippery and don't want to be faced because they're used to their anonymous power. They don't easily share their secrets. It can be tricky to get to them and find out what you describe of them using the idea of suicide for catharsis or control or escape or whatever it is they really happen to be doing outside the light. I don't really disagree with you, I just want to acknowledge that thoughts are to be first respected, even if they are then to be dismissed.

I'm speaking from my own personal experience with dealing with suicidal ideation. It's all in your head. Yes, as you gain more experience and understanding you learn to manage and you learn to take your thoughts less seriously. What suicidal people don't tend to admit is that they actually sort of enjoy thinking about suicide because it is cathartic and gives them a sense of control. It's an escape they are giving into. The mind is very powerful. You can create your own personal hell if you want to. A lot of suicidal people is due to people being emotionally immature and not understanding their own situation fully.

Suicide is extreme, and so far as I know, irrevocable. What less extreme options have you tried? Have you given away your possessions and gone on a pilgrimage? Have you tried fasting meditation? Have you tried it again? Have you tried moving somewhere else; if you're in the city, to the country; if you're in the country, to the city; if you're in the east, to the west, or vice versa? Have you tried psychedelics? Have you tried them under spiritual guidance? Have you looked for a different job? Have you openly violated oppressive social norms? My point isn't that you should do all or any of these things. My point is; think about how your fixation is specifically on suicide, when reason would dictate that there are invariably more options to be considered if you are even marginally healthy in body. If you just wait a while, you're going to die anyway. Why insist on receiving early what is already guaranteed?

I'll just put this out there; intrusive suicidal thoughts, once begun, are non-rational. I have a friend who had never been depressed or had a suicidal thought until he was in his late thirties and hurt his shoulder. It was nothing major that couldn't improve with physical therapy and certainly not a disaster to end one's life over, but he was and always had been materially and psychologically dependent on having a strong body, so he started on a downward spiral where he stopped eating, drank heavily, and openly talked about going out back with a rifle. Over time, his shoulder got better, and so did his mood. His suicidal thinking had a reason behind it, but I can't really call it rational. I myself, after being triggered by prolonged verbal abuse and neglect in my adolescence, had regular intrusive thoughts of ending my life until my early thirties, when they went away without any explanation. I just noticed one day that I hadn't had a suicidal thought for a few weeks. Nothing else had changed, I wasn't noticeably happier or wealthier or more enlightened, but I didn't think about my death anymore without deliberate effort. My point is that the reasoning behind thinking of killing yourself is arbitrary. Anyone could be triggered to think about suicide over any kind of loss or upset, depending on their personality. Your reasoning for suicidal ideation seems to me to at least be more reasonable than hurting your shoulder, but the fact is that someone else might go through what you went through and not think of suicide at all. Your circumstances are irrelevant, excepting that they are what triggered you. You're trying to reason your way through something that is not rational; there is no tipping point where you are supposed to or must commit suicide for any kind of reason. Whether you live or die is an arbitrary result of the fact that for billions of years, every single one of your ancestors without exception is the one who lived to reproduce. Suicidal thoughts are certainly a part of your suffering, and add to it. There's no greater meaning to them beyond that, though, other than that they are a window into the specific nature of your own consciousness.

This is unlikely to be helpful to anyone at all because I can't explain it, but here it is. I used to have intrusive suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. Growing up in an abusive household, it was not infrequent for me to lay in bed for hours writing a spiteful suicide note in my head, and even once I got out of the house, that habit of regularly going to a suicidal place stuck roughly into my thirties. Then a day came that I noticed that I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, and hadn't for a few weeks. I didn't and still don't have any idea what changed. I didn't have an obvious breakthrough, I didn't get hit in the head, I didn't win a lottery, I wasn't happier or more satisfied with my life than I used to be. It just quietly went away as I progressed with my inner work. What I gather from this is that suicidal ideation is not circumstance-dependent. It is its own thing, that won't necessarily go away if your circumstances improve, and won't necessarily stick around even if your circumstances get worse. It left me without saying goodbye, and I haven't seen it since.

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.

Oh I was being mild. Every year before SRS I was turning over suicide plans in my head like making pancakes every morning. My anatomy was draining my will to live and ever since I had it done I haven't considered suicide a single time. I have half the self hatred I had before, and most of that turned into giggly perplexion that so many people seem to think conversion therapy works. It's probably because I'm not offering enough femininity to them which is why I made my pancakes analogy.

@Agrande It's tempting to believe there is an "easy" way out, but is there? I believe there isn't. I believe that even if you commit suicide, your energy/frequency continues to exist, and it will lead you to a "new dream" where you will have to overcome the same problems you face here. The only way forward is through your problems. The fastest way is to face things and resolve your shit. That's the purpose of Life.

On June 22nd at the Rose Bowl I attended the US defeating Columbia 2-1 in the group stage. What a day! Featured one of the most audacious bicycle kicks ever seen at a World Cup by the US's Marcel Balboa and 14 days after the match the Columbian whose own goal lead to their defeat, Jose Escobar, committed suicide. Two weeks later on a glorious and joyous July 4th, the US acquitted themselves exceptionally well in the round of last 16 at the Stanford Stadium going down 1-0 to the eventual winners Brazil.

The truth of the matter is, we have an inefficient system. It works really well for small percentage, moderately well for a big chunk and really not well for the rest. And the work involved in shifting to a better place in the spectrum and maintaining it is arbitrary in the sense that people are different and you can't create what you aren't meant for. It's really not unfair in the real sense, it's mostly inefficient. It's not run by mechanical truths or mathematical rules, it's all very much arbitrary. Biases are how we navigate the world. Feeling good for being at the top is a response the system wants you to have, and so is the opposite response. You're programmed to feel bad when you're not playing the game well. It's not something you can really change. You can try all sorts of things; no amount of mystical experience can really fix it. Especially if you have certain biases against living an ascetic life. And the culture around mostly doesn't tolerate monkhood. Every retreat into the personal space of philosophies like misanthropy, efilism, anti-natalism will consequently make the game more meaningless and harder while giving you small hit of dopamine trashing the system. Spirituality is a scam. We live in a material world. You need food and shelter, you're not gonna transcend your body and stop pooping. Same goes for the mind, your psyche keeps you alive, you feel what you feel thanks to the psyche. It's not like you're in the position to influence how it functions. Nobody can. We are the body and mind. And it's seriously demented to push people into "feeling the spirit, meditation"/"you're not your mind or body" even as a concept. As for suicide. I agree with the anti-natalist philosophy. But what people get wrong is, if you accept that bringing children in the world is immoral and bad, you basically saying your own existence is a mistake and you'd rather die. That's quite flawed as a logic, but our psyche is likely to interpret it as such no matter how logical we are. Once you're alive, you have an interest to keep living and in turn propagating life. Logic isn't how humans and society functions. This is why almost all frameworks to understand humans through logic fails. Spiral Dynamics is a good example. The philosophy is dangerous in the sense that if taken seriously you can turn really anti life and worse you become some vegan and stop nourishing yourself. We're cannibalistic carnivores, instead of flesh, we feed on others' energy, while keeping them alive. It's how we've come to survive in the last few centuries. Life and it's way of functioning is messy and inefficient, there's no real fix, other than having a good experiential reality. If you feel good eating meat, that's a win. Stop trying to function logically.

@Yeah Yeah Well damn man I can see why you're like this after having lived through all that. But I still believe you can make it. Even if this all happend to you. You basically gave up on life and now you have negative momentum building up because of your smoking and porn addiction (and maybe some other bad habits). And your 'I've tried it all' could also mean you've tried everything YOU COULD at those times. Doesn't mean you've literally done everything possible to succeed (because this world is endless, the possibilities are endless too). And yeah from the looks of it you got pretty unlucky up till now but you can't give up like that just yet yk? I think you could actually improve your life if you tried focussing on healing and when you finally have a good foundation you could actually succeed in life (and with healing I mean your pathologies and neurosis). That being said I don't really know how old you are as of now and how long this 'healing' would take (the more trauma you have and the more deeply ingrained it is the longer it'll take, but you'll be free from those burdensome mental shackles if you actually do the work). But from the looks of things you have a lot of trauma to work through. I'm also trying to better myself by healing as of now and I'm looking into things like shadow work and Jungian psychology so I can slightly emphatise with you even if it's only a little bit (but that being said I have grown a lot in the last few years, and just these little changes in mindset have already made me much much happier than I used to be). I haven't suffered your pain of course and I don't truly know the life you've lived or what kind of experiences you've gone through. But at the end of the day it's up to you to keep being a 'loser' or to try and change.This way you'll at least know you tried your best at trying to fix your life even if you do die, at least you won't have regrets this way. Because there just has to be a way right? It took me quite a few years to realise this, and now i'm at the point where I actually need to be doing the 'healing' work in question. And somehow I think it'll be the same for you. Just... don't give up just yet, life is just too beautiful to die early for. That's what I think at least. I hope this comment helped you in some way. Because somewhere deep down inside you you must also want to change for the better right? PS: Here are some realisations I had to see how beautiful life can be. The beauty of nature for example, just realising the fact that you're here on a planet that billions of years old, and that you're even alive at all is a miracle. Just by looking at a tree there are infinite complexities in that alone. Like the patterns of it's root bark, how some trees can be a thousand years old, and then realising that a thousand years means that that tree started growing before America was even discovered by Columbus, before there was electricity, before there were cars, planes, bycicles, etc! Even if you just look at a leaf, the amount of complex little details in just that leaf alone will take you years to even understand fully. And that's why it's so beautiful. I tried my best trying to explain why I find nature so beautiful in words because in reality I just 'feel' the beauty radiating from everything that lives. And now i'm trying to learn to appreciate the beauty of all things, but that will take me some more work. I wrote this hoping you could see a bit of what I could see, and with just this alone it should be enough to keep on living for. Suicide is when you've given up hope on doing anything at all. But usually that's just your mind/ego tricking you into thinking it'll always be like this, but it won't, and you can improve your situation. We all can, so don't give up! Did you watch the video I sent last time by the way?

Hey everyone, This is a raw and honest post. I've been following Leo's work for a while, and particularly his deep dives on solipsism and awakening. I watched his deleted video where he talked about full awakening—realizing you're the only being that exists, and that everything else (people, AI, Leo himself) is just part of your dream. He spoke as if waking up is truly possible, not just as a metaphor, but as a full-blown metaphysical rupture of the illusion. But what I’m struggling with is: How the fuck do I actually do it? Because I don’t want to be here. Not in this body. Not in this story. Not as this identity—sexless, aging, suicidal, burnt out, writing endlessly into a void, and watching time bleed out. I don’t want to die by suicide. Not because I’m scared of death—but because the methods are unreliable and I don’t want to botch it. Worse—there’s fear around ending up in a hell realm or post-death limbo because of “karma” or “unfinished business” or because some mystical teacher says I didn’t awaken the right way. I’m asking now: If this is my dream—how do I truly wake up without killing the body? Is it possible? Can anyone explain what Leo meant when he said waking up is possible—as in literally waking up as God, outside of this dream entirely? Or am I just stuck here until the dream naturally dissolves on its own? And if that’s the case—should I just zombify myself on antidepressants, antipsychotics, valium, codeine, or just lean deeper into weed and alcohol until I rot out from the inside? I’m not looking for sugarcoated replies. I want real answers. If any of you have actually woken up—not conceptually, but fully—please respond. Because I have the rage against life to take a gun and violently blow my brains out I fucking hate this world day in day out all day everyday for years since 2019. So please help me wake up so that I don't one day use the rope to risk botching it desperately and waking up with irreversible brain damage or I kill myself and then there is hell realms limbo no take back this is what you wanted wishing your life away and now it's fucking worse off and no familiar body to ground a now wandering lost limbo mirror cosmic reflecting state of my own death and that being a life of rage hatred depression venom fuck life suicide then that vibration at death no take back bite me in the ass is this what you wanted. Thank you.

It rings hollow because most people don't agree with the idea the idea that procreating is unethical. And everyone has variations to their ethical compass. I see having children as ethically neutral and in the realm of personal sovereignty. And some people see not having children as unethical. And even if someone does theoretically agree that having children is unethical, the desire to have children is so meaningful to people that they'd absolutely be willing to break from that abstract idea that "procreation is unethical" in order to have kids. Like, if you really wanted to have kids, you would drop antinatalism like a hot potato. Not to mention the fact that having children comes from having sex... and people like to have sex. And there are tons of "oops!" babies that come into existence even though they weren't explicitly planned on. So, even if everyone got on board with the antinatalist ideology and was in agreement that having kids is unethical and defied their own deep desire to have children to be "ethical" in that way... there would still be "Oops!" babies. The only way to actually enact an antinatalist ideology would be to forcibly sterilize everyone against their will... which would bring us into eugenics territory But here are my counter-arguments... 1. Every decision you make... including the decision to donate to charity... is one that you make because it feels right to you or makes you feel good. There is no such thing as a selfless decision. And having children is no different. But that doesn't mean that you see your children as a mere tool of your happiness. Good parenting is a one-way street where you give care and they receive it to grow into themselves as people. The benefit that I get is that my children are really cool people to be around and it's amazing to watch them grow... and I'm glad to know them as people and to have them as my family. They are very much wanted by me... but their existence doesn't belong to me. 2. You don't know that the person you bring into this world won't value their life tremendously either. And you rob so many of them a chance to live and exist and experience if (hypothetically) society adopts an anti-natalist ideology. I am glad that my parents procreated and had me. I'm quite sure that my kids are also glad that I procreated and had them... as they don't wish not to exist. Most people prefer to live and want to continue existing... even if they encounter suffering in their lives. Most people do not attempt suicide or commit suicide. So, you are setting up a situation where people who would want to exist are disallowed from existence for the sake of an ideology. 3. A non-existent person cannot consent to existence (if we look from an Earthly perspective). So, that is a moot point. You have to exist to consent. Consenting only happens in the domain of existence. So, you cannot consent to existence. Therefore, you are simply acting as the ultimate authority and assume that everyone who exists is non-consenting... and you project your own ideas onto them and rescind consent for them. You assume their no... when perhaps they wanted to give an enthusiastic yes to life. Instead, you project an unpopular ideology onto them that assumes that they are forced to exist against their will. It's like stealing something precious from a sentient being by assuming that that sentient being doesn't want to exist. Now, of course, there are plenty of potential people who don't get born into existence. And I see that as being the sovereign prerogative of a given person as to whether or not they want to bring life into the world. But because you are saying, "Let's not bring people into this world because they might not want to exist.", my rebuttal is "What about the majority of people who do want to exist? Maybe 5% of people who are brought into existence, don't want to exist. But why deny the 95% of people who do want to exist for the sake of the 5%?" But ultimately, antinatalism rings hollow because the only people who agree with it are people who are looking for a post hoc justification for not having kids. The people who believe it's unethical to not have children tend to lord their perceived moral superiority over those who choose not to have kids... and badger them about "being selfish" and hounding them to have kids. So, as a rebuttal, those who don't want to have children use the antinatalist ideology to be like, "Actually, I'm the morally superior one... and you're being selfish for having kids." Almost no one else agrees with antinatalism. And even if they do, if having kids is meaningful to them, they will still have kids.

The highest suicide rates are in poor and/or non-Western countries.