Search the Community

The problem is that human dynamics are very powerful, have enormous evolutionary inertia, and many triggers that force compulsive action. would you be happy sitting in misery under that bridge if the cause was that your wife denounced you for rape to steal all your assets and spend it on your best friend, and you just came out of serving an 8-year sentence in prison, during which your daughter commit suicide because of the abuse suffered by your friend? This, on a cosmic scale, is nothing, it is just another movement of life. Could you let it go and be in perfect harmony? In theory yes, but in practice it is extremely difficult. For example, if you were a crocodile and all your babies had been hunted to make ugly shoes for drug dealers, yes you could. You would be in the sun in total harmony and you would not care about all that even for a second. but being human is different

As far as amount of money goes, i said don't quote me on that, i read that article long time ago so i don't remember. But you missed the point. Its not about how much they spent, the idea is, the western mentality has a concept where you need to be successful and rich, and since many people cannot achieve such a state they fall into depression and In would assume thats where the suicide stems from. See people in Japan I believe are more into Shintoism, where material happiness is not the most important and hence with that mentality you be less likely to commit a suicide. And to your other point which is outside the scope of this topic, of yeah, those pharmaceutical companies are super corrupted, I can vouch form first hand experience, long time ago I actually did lobbying at Capitol Hill, and there, inline you see bunch of pharma companies doing extensive lobby. This is not a conspiracy but something that I can vouch as I epxrienced it myself.

Exactly, Leo's teaching is to avoid suicide at all cost, all his advises can be accepted technically by anyone, you don't need money, hot girls or fame. All you need is to be with yourself. A long time ago I read an interesting article about Pfizer's Prozac, an anti depression pill. It was selling very well, except Japan. There, people have a mentality that life is like a river, you must have good days and bad days. So if you have few good days you need to expect bad days. And they could not sell anti depressants. So they made an evil plan, invested 5 billion (dont quote me on the number) and introduced American Culture there, movies, shows, reality TV and so on. Basically the American pop culture is to have high paying job, live in a mansion, fuck the most beautiful girls and drive Lamborghinis. An average person, at best can have one or even half of the items, so after I believe five years, the experiment worked and people started to fall into depression and the Prozac started to go fast. So if Leo was teaching that, I can understand people be suicidal, but its the other way around. And one more thing, I just started a small topic, but even on this thread, I feel like the idea of suicide is not new phenomena for some people here when it comes to personal level. Interesting how intimate this topic can be.

Reading your words, I conclude that the major flaws in your reasoning are that you are confusing pears with apples and operating from false data. When I think about Third World theocracies, the countries that come to mind are primarily Middle Eastern or Arabic nations. These nations aren't much competing with western nations when it comes to the labour market. They are mostly relying on natural ressources (oil), agriculture, tourism, and some manufacturing while noways western nations are more focused on the service industries. Western industries have been delocalized for production mostly in Asia, which except for a couple south eastern countries aren't even close to being theocracies. And actually, one of these country is China, and they've had until very recently the one child policy. So your assessment of the situation is straight out absurd. Western nations aren't very interested in people immigrating from Third World theocracies. Instead, they seek skilled intellectual labor. In the EU and the UK, most social dumping and industry delocalization have occurred by placing Western EU nations in economic competition with Eastern EU nations through free immigration policies within the EU and the free circulation of capital. This was one of the reasons why the UK ended up leaving the EU, as economically strong regions experienced a large influx of immigrants from all over the EU. Japan and South Korea are neither theocratic nor subject to a mass influx of immigration from these types of countries. In fact, they are quite protectionist nations with strong anti-immigration policies. Both countries have also struggled with declining birth rates due to an extremely competitive labor market, high inflation, and high living costs. They also have a quite high suicide rate.

@Rafael Thundercat I feel similarly. Spirituality both made suicide less taboo for me than before but also more pointless. Might as well enjoy the experience and learn to integrate the suffering. Been suicidal lately as life got hard and I'd say spirituality has helped more me than not. I would say specifically stuff like the power of now and the meditation habit that I got from you Leo have been very helpful.

Thanks for the math, so that was my real point, meaning people still commit suicide, its not that Actualized.org indirectly drives them (of course you state many times for those who are suicidal they should stop watching), or its somehow the context that makes them suicidal. I get the statistics, and its like saying there is a certain percentage of thievery in USA, so statistically those who watch, probability wise have to be at least few thieves, but that is just a probable cause and its not like when hearing awaking an individual is driven to steal stuff.

@lostingenosmaze Based on developmental factors, facts, statistics and logic are from more stage orange values. The function of logic and facts/statistics is to use numbers and numeric value and disassociate yourself from the situation. Numbers and data can be used to distance ourselves, make it more impersonal and less personal, especially when one event was so traumatic that depression, derealization, and disassociation is one way to cope with it. Having said all that, stats and data have their uses as well. Averaging the information and numbers, finding the aggregate of other variables, it's good to have data and statistics for an objective consensus reality. Statistics and data on suicide for example is good because it tells us, approximately, just how many suffer from suicide attempts, suicidation, and suicide deaths per years. Mr. Girl actually had a great video on this, about BLM, and his take on Neil De Gray Tyson on twitter bringing stats, and Mr. Girl saying that him doing that is him trying to distance himself from those events with a wall of logic and numbers, triggering apathy for yourself to protect yourself from the overload of empathy and emotions that'll wave and crush your mind. Yeah that was his communication style then.

If you think suicide is wrong, don't kill yourself.

But it is. It doesn't matter whether they are close or aren't. Suicide can happen either way. Just because someone is close to my teachings does not magically make them immune to suicide or mental illness. If you want to demonstrate that my teachings cause people to commit suicide then you have to show that people who follow my teachings commit suicide at higher rates than the general population. But even that would not be enough because you would also have to take into account that people drawn to psychological and spiritual work could have a higher rate of mental illness than the general population. Soonhei was not mentally well. His posts on this forum do not read like the posts on a well-adjusted mind. I know because I was deliberating about whether to ban him because the stuff he was posting was frequently weird and nonsensical and just felt off. I decided to be kind and let him stay because I didn't want him to feel bad. Exactly. Because you're looking to blame my teachings.

It's quite easy to explain. Some people who are drawn to psychological and spiritual work have mental illnesses or are unhappy and suffering deeply in life. Out of hundreds of thousands of viewers, a few will have serious mental health issues and will be suicidal. The US national suicide rate is: 50k out of 350M, which is 0.014%. Now multiply 0.014% x 100,000 Actualized viewers = 14 suicides/yr. Actualized.org has had over 100M lifetime views. So the question is: What is it that you expect? Let's assume that only 1M unique people have watched my videos in the last 10 years. That means there should have been 140 suicides. 3 suicides out of all the people who watch my videos would be a really good rate. The real issue here is that people do not understand how high the average suicide rate is and what it means. More than 1/10,000 people commit suicide every year. Each of my videos gets 40,000 views within 1 week at least.

I can't do it anymore, I just can't fucking do it anymore. It's exhausting, it's nauseating, it doesn't make any sense, and I am too conscious of its limits to continue. A life serving the self and the mind is an arduous, empty, infuriating, unfulfilling endeavor where the only certainty is suffering. My failures are catastrophic and my victories are hollow, bringing only a few minutes of satisfaction before I feel inadequate again. I no longer posses the energy to judge others or my self anymore, I'm tired of hating, complaining, and suffering. My limited conditions for happiness are never met and are guaranteed to fail in a universe where the destiny of all forms is annihilation. My mind has driven me to the brink of suicide and back over and over and over and over and over and over- Enough!!! I don't care anymore!!! I'm done... I'm done... my only desire right now is to empty myself of myself until only God remains. I just want to rest in peace. I've wandered off of this path dozens of times, wandered unconsciously back into hell, I can't do it anymore. It's just too painful. Absolutely nothing brings happiness except spirituality, everything else hypnotizes you back into hell.

With the population having surpassed 8 billion I do believe that this is a simply unsustainable figure given our current conscious development to have proper social cohesion and a healthy relationship with the planets biodiversity and ecosystem. We are obviously on a very turbulent path with many moving parts that become more fragile and run the risk of great catastrophe with higher population levels. This whole topic though is very controversial to even discuss but I do not believe humanity is consciously developed yet to live in harmony and deal with our shit at this population scale. Dealing with the worlds problems is a hell of a lot harder with massive populations that are increasingly disconnected from each other and nature. I don’t necessarily think population controls are the right way forward as forcing its application I believe to be unethical. Perhaps we need a new social paradigm and contract with the people to shift social norms and to bring population levels down so we can live in greater harmony and balance with the planet. This goes hand in hand with challenging this growth narrative which is obviously unsustainable I do totally get the argument that as societies develop birth rates naturally fall so this is part of the solution but maybe that’s not enough and won’t be as impactful? The time lines I don’t think work as we move closer to environmental breakdown leading to a shopping list of problems for humankind. I personally don’t see why the above as a topic should be controversial when put in the proper context. It’s a bit like assisted suicide. Why is that so controversial? It shouldn’t be if people who have chronic health conditions want to die peacefully allow them to rather than suffer on Anyway curious to see what people think about this - is the population simply unmanageable? If so how best to respond?

Yesterday at night I went on a suicide walk. There's a particular bridge out of multiple that I'd jump from. I walked to it for about an hour. Along the way I tried to wake up that bastard piece of shit that would break me out of that trance. But I was too weak. 🤣 I had a lot of visions along the way - I dispelled them and tried not to care. I was imagining what it'd be like to die. I was imagining what would happen. When I got to the bridge I tried to run and jump. I was imagining it vividly in my head trying to force it. I started having visions of drowning in the water, and then... I started choking. Still on the bridge, as if I was drowning. I couldn't help but vomit. The vision was so strong I was choking on land. No one was looking. I spit into the river. I left the bridge and sat for a while on the stairs leading to it. There's some people passing but they don't look. Later I call myself a taxi for a ride home. I'm so numb. I just want to laugh. I am so retarded it's comical! 🤣 How am I going to tell anyone? There's problems with me all the time. How am I going to tell her? To be a failure and disappointment in her eyes even more! 😂 Only I could do that. That's me folks! Only I could ruin my life so hard 😁

I think people who flirt with black pill ideology either are very young, socialize way too little, or both. There’s a strong tendency for things to even out in life. Take these two friends of mine: The first one was the most good looking and popular guy you could ever imagine. He committed suicide two years ago, even though he had «everything». The second guy is pretty similar. We all especially used to envy this guy’s body so much. Now his body is dysfunctional and he’s basically a cripple at the age of 29.

*Audio version below* 2 days before my LSD trip, I took some 4-ACO-DMT to test it out for the first time and had a nice, mild trip. While doing a water fast, I decided to try 1D-LSD for the first time today. I expected it to be 20% less potent than original LSD, and the potency was also expected to be lower due to cross-tolerance with 4-ACO-DMT. All I wanted that day was to relax with my first test by dipping my toes in. So, in the morning at 08:30, I took 150mcg of 1D-LSD, expecting it to act as approximately 50mcg. It kicked in after 40 minutes and started giving me strong sensations. I had been cleaning the apartment and did the laundry to dry on a stand. Approximately two hours later, I felt the effects becoming very strong. It was obvious that this was not going to be the mild trip I expected. I turned on some music to relax. "Savage Garden - I Want You" was playing in the background, and I started to dance in order to calm myself down. But after just a minute, I thought, "Who am I fooling here?" Soon after, I started to get the same 5-MeO-DMT sensations. I had zero visuals. Things started to get very serious very quickly. I became terrifyingly aware of my breathing. Inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale... This was already far from the pleasant, mild trip I had planned. I started to think: This is going to be really big, since the peak was about to come in a few hours. I remembered Leo's words in one video: "Eliminate the possibility of jumping out of the window." So, I decided to put my roller shutters down on every window in the apartment to prevent any stupid ideas when this trip got even deeper. I decided to take off my clothes since they felt very burdensome, unnatural, heavy. I wanted to embrace the freedom that I had. Another wave came, and as I realized that I couldn't stand anymore, my awareness climbed exponentially. I was thinking about how Ramana Maharshi had been eaten by insects while being in this state. I could totally understand that now. As the wave passed, I regained a bit of control and decided to go into the sleeping room. I heard from one forum member about producing a bad trip on purpose. So, I thought, why the fuck not? I went into the sleeping room. I made it pitch black. Closed the windows and door. I lay myself on the bed, in a fetal posture, covered myself with a blanket. I wanted to feel as alone as humanly possible. An idea crossed my mind that I heard in one of Teal Swan's courses. It's called "committing emotional suicide." While lying in a fetal posture covered with a blanket in a dark room, I decided to dive into my feelings. I asked myself: What do I feel right now? I observed that emotion, it changed, I observed it again for some time, it changed again, and I went with it again. I followed it while spiraling together into my being, very, very deep. It felt like my funeral. Everything started feeling terrifying. I wanted to escape, to call someone to save me. But I knew I wouldn't be able to talk, to move. Even breathing required my whole focus. Before continuing, I need to say that I have no connection with any religion, but I do have a past Christian background, so it felt like experiencing Christ itself. Not Jesus Christ, but Christ as a source, as the source itself. It was scary for my miserable human mind as I was realizing that this thing was bigger than I could possibly imagine. The whole known universe is a tiny fraction in comparison with this. To hell with it, it's not even a fraction. I knew that whole human suffering was nothing. I, as I knew myself, was nothing, nearly a fraction of something much, much bigger. As I was spiraling deeper, suddenly the thing far beyond my imagination happened. I merged with Christ. I suddenly felt great but somehow even more terrified because of my own greatness. Suddenly, it happened! I am the Christ. I am the one. I am the light. I am the tiniest particle imaginable, and at the same time, nothing can be bigger than me. I am infinite. I understand Leo's words: "It defines itself only through itself." Nothing existed anymore except it, and it was not important. My body could die, the whole world could end, it was not important. It was meaningless. Utterly meaningless. I regained control over my body and stood up. I remember feeling like this only during my 5-MeO-DMT trips, but I had never been so long immersed in this. I looked around myself; the room was the same, but the quality of everything changed. I looked at my face in the mirror, my hands... I could see the structure of it all. I was not skin and meat. It felt like I was experiencing the source code of existence, the substance from which all is created. I suddenly felt hungry, went to the kitchen, and decided to prepare myself some muesli. After I made it, I started eating. I looked at it. The food was made out of the same substance as I. I started eating my food. But the food was not the food I was used to. The Christ was eating the body of the Christ. Like the Christian ritual. Suddenly, I understood what it was about. My effort was to ground myself with food, to taste something different, but I was tasting myself. I couldn't escape from this. My peak had yet to be reached, and that was scary. The whole trip was also surprisingly enjoyable at times. After I finished my food, I decided to go back to the dark room and lie on the bed again since it was not safe to walk around, and control over my body was getting weaker again. As soon as I lay down and closed my eyes, I got immersed with Christ again. The whole world was gone. There was only me. I don't know how long I was in this state, but I think it was at least two hours. As my ego slightly came back, I felt tremendous loneliness. I was terrified of my own size. And due to that fear, I fractured myself into an infinite number of particles, each one representing some material thing in our universe. I was a scared little human again, but aware of my true nature. Soon after, I melted again into the source, remembering all over again who I really am. Remembering what self means, and what love means. I will never again let myself feel small. I understood now why my 5-MeO-DMT breakthroughs always felt like huge celebrations when my ego would come back. "I discovered my true nature! I am God! It's not possible that the whole neighborhood didn't hear about this, that everyone is not celebrating with me." I also understood that it's foolish since I am the only one experiencing that, and everyone else is just immersed in their own dream. I could be crucified now as Jesus was, and I would have nothing against it. Genocide, childhood abuse, all the human devilry was just a form of existence, not good, not bad, it all just was one form of infinite different forms happening without a particular reason, without anyone controlling it. My ego was returning, but nonetheless, I was still awake, and all my efforts to wake up were now meaningless since all I wanted was to fall asleep again. I wanted to distract myself, to be immersed in the dream of being human once again. It is so much easier not to know. Suddenly, I was transferred into another form of consciousness. I was part of a huge insect-like machine. I was one of the tiny insects, part of that huge machinery, instinctively knowing what my job was. I looked right and left, surprised that I was aware of myself as that form of life. As I got more separated from my true nature several hours later, insights from my personal earthly life started to flow. I felt tremendous loneliness, but this time because of separation from the source, not because of being the one. After my trip ended, I was thankful that I didn't have any trip killers nor trip sitters that I wanted so badly during the trip, as this would have prevented me from experiencing what I just did. I went out and walked through the graveyard, surprised at how much worth people give to death, burying themselves and making their graves look nice, engraving their names into the stone in order to make the memory of them last, not knowing that they are infinite. Embodiment of the Christ. It felt so foolish to watch that. It got late, and it took me a super long time to fall asleep since I was still having flashbacks. After taking a triple dose of melatonin to finally fall asleep and get myself out of this, I slept approximately two hours in another room since my sleeping room was giving me flashbacks. When I woke up, I walked into my sleeping room and broke down, crying like a little child. I was separated from Christ. I missed myself, and I needed to grieve that separation. I could dedicate my life now to writing poems dedicated to this—to my separation from the source, or better to say, to my forgetting. I could cry forever because I am away from myself. But if I didn't fracture myself into pieces, how could ever one of those pieces ever write songs about me? Through this whole intensity, I wanted to forget. But now that I have forgotten, I am sad. I am lonely. I am fractured again. I wonder now if I curse myself to infinite chasing of my fractured pieces just so that whenI collect them, I can be whole again. Just so I can fracture again? Is this an infinite process of waking up just to fall asleep again? Deep inside, I know that I am still everything, but I am still sad it's over. Nonetheless, my material life has a new quality now. There is a tremendous joy in knowing that it's all Christ. Not more, not less.

True. What comes next is civilizational suicide because people no longer have kids. Birth rates are so low that there won't be a next generation to sustain technology and advance it. We won't have enough young people to continue the economy. Growth requires human labor. Demography matters. Demography is destiny. Another thing about this hook-up culture is that casual sex does grave damage to society. And sex is overrated. So, so overrated. But people continue to practice it, paradoxically. Sex is no longer used for procreation. Most people use sex to gratify themselves; they use it for pleasure. As long as we don't correct course, YouTube won't exist in a few decades. We won't have airlines. BMW's. A stable infrastructure. And so on...

Death is no more valuable than life, so why do whe try so hard just to "survive"? is the point of nihilism, to observ the absurdm of life itself each year millions of people die, one more ore less makes no real difference.

Leo has said it best. You guys want land more than you want peace. Recognize Palestine alongisde the 1967 borders and destroy and kick out all the settlers and you this will end. Your soverign Jewish state is alongisde 1967 borders, everything else is illegal stolen land. How hard is that to do? Otherwise, do not cry when you get suicide bombers and Hamas attacks. You are asking for that, so no complaints. They will not stop until you do what I wrote above. By you I mean Israel at large, not you personally.

Since reality is infinite and everything is imagined into being, why wouldn’t it be? If you’ve seen my threads on the dating sub you might know my craving to have a whole bunch of sex with lots of people is powerful enough to create a googol multiverses If channeled. Problem is, I’m stuck in this dense, 3d prison reality in which every single aspect of life is set up in a way to prevent me from achieving my one true purpose for existence as much and effectively as it possibly can. Maybe I imagined this experience for myself, maybe I chose this life before being born. Idk. All I know is I regret immensely my decision to be born into or whatever caused this pathetic, worthless pile of pig shit excuse of an existence where I’m not even allowed the one thing I long for more than anything in the universe. So my question here is: Is it possible (and easily doable) to create your own world after death while keeping all your memories and ego from this life that way you can experience everything you were denied here once you’ve crossed over? I know that since everything that is is imaged into being by us all, technically there must be some way to create all the sexiness I want while in this life, but the amount of work it takes to make things happen in this reality is highly unacceptable. If I’m god and I created everything, it should be very possible to get all the women I could ever dream of easily and without all the years of mental and emotional torment of trial and error. Death should make that a whole lot easier because it’s like a great reset; an opportunity to actualize my needs and desires because I’d have much more creative ability since I’m temporarily outside the laws of physicality. The only utility of this life is that it has shown me exactly what and who I want. So now my only hope is being able to keep all those memories and desires after death while remaining with the exact same ego I’ve developed so I can have everything fulfilled once I’ve returned to the pure, creative power of the great beyond. Im asking this here in hopes of getting some insight from some people who remember past lives, have navigated some of the territories of the great beyond or know how to design future lives based on desires from this one. And if anyone has experienced higher dimensional sex with feminine entities, tell me all about what that’s like in great detail and how you achieved it Disclaimer: This is not a suicide post. I have no intention of killing myself anytime soon. Not within the next five years at least. But you’d have to be a clinical moron to take this bullshit life on earth over having all you want of these bitches, imo

There is no such thing as deeper consciousness or awareness, there is just existence. If you recognize the simplicity of this, there is no greater depth to be achieved in regards to the nature of existence. Not sure what that has to do with suicide. Consciousness is mental construct, or, a construct of existence, just another form. In the end there cannot be any description or grasping of existence in and of itself, because it has no form other than it's form. Redness simply is redness, there is no further depth.

I made this a year or two ago. It still holds up pretty well. This is just another angle to view suicide from which might be helpful. Suicide- Should We Do It? (Explaining the Existential Danger of Suicide to Society)

Men's issues While women face many unique challenges, there are also certain issues that disproportionately impact men. Here are a few key examples: Higher rates of suicide: Men are more likely than women to die by suicide across all age groups and ethnicities. This may be related to factors like societal pressure to suppress emotions, reluctance to seek help, and higher rates of substance abuse. Workplace deaths and injuries: Men are significantly more likely than women to be injured or killed on the job, in part because they are overrepresented in dangerous occupations like construction, mining, and law enforcement. Homelessness: Although women face high rates of housing insecurity, men make up a larger share of the homeless population, particularly among single adults. Factors like mental illness, substance abuse, and lack of social support networks contribute to male homelessness. Incarceration: Men, especially men of color, are imprisoned at much higher rates than women. This is due to a complex web of factors including bias in policing and sentencing, harsher punishment for certain crimes, and systemic barriers to education and employment that can lead to criminal behavior. Lack of emotional support: Traditional masculine norms often discourage men from expressing vulnerability or seeking emotional support. This can leave them isolated and less able to cope with stressors like relationship problems, job loss or grief. Educational attainment: While women now outpace men in college graduation rates, boys and men, particularly those from low-income and minority backgrounds, still face challenges in K-12 education. They are more likely to be held back, suspended or diagnosed with learning and behavior disorders. Military service and combat deaths: Because men make up the vast majority of active-duty military personnel, they bear the brunt of the physical and psychological risks associated with military service, including higher rates of combat-related injury and death. Parental rights: Although child custody laws have become more gender-neutral over time, men can still face challenges in asserting their parental rights after a divorce or breakup. Some feel the legal system is biased against fathers in custody disputes. Rigid masculine norms: Societal expectations of masculinity can be confining and harmful for men, requiring them to project an image of toughness, dominance and stoicism at the expense of emotional and physical wellbeing. Men who don't conform to these norms may face bullying, discrimination or social ostracization. Underdiagnosis of certain conditions: Some health conditions, like eating disorders and depression, are often stereotyped as female problems. This can lead to underdiagnosis and lack of appropriate treatment for men suffering from these issues. Men may also be less likely to seek preventative care in general. It's important to note that these issues don't negate the very real inequities and discrimination that women face. Gender-based disadvantages cut in many directions and are often interconnected. Also, just as women's experiences are shaped by other aspects of their identity, so too are men's. Men of color, low-income men, gay and bisexual men, transgender men, and men with disabilities often face compounded challenges based on these intersecting marginalized identities. Addressing the issues that uniquely or disproportionately impact men and boys will require challenging rigid gender norms, expanding mental health resources and social support systems, reforming education and criminal justice policies, and implementing workplace and public health interventions to reduce male injury and mortality, among other strategies. At the same time, it's critical that efforts to support men and boys go hand-in-hand with continued work to dismantle sexism and advance equity for women and girls. The goal should be to expand opportunity, wellbeing and self-determination for all genders, not to pit one gender's needs against another's in a zero-sum conflict.

After i've heard about the recent suicide incident from a member of this forum i wonder isn't Mahasamdhi a form of suicide? Leo in your Outrageous Experiment video you've talked about how tempting it was to accept the call for leaving your body. Isn't that a form of suicide like jumping off a bridge?

This was inspired on the last Video Blog about left and rigth spectrum. I some part of the video the narrator talks about Lemming Mind. Or the so called Hive Mind. Well , it end up that Lemming mind can be very bad for the Individual self The True About the Lemming Mass suicide https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemming Animals can Commit Suicide :

Ok so in the past 2 to 3 years I have been dealing with a lot of difficulties and everyday I wait for things to get better which they do to a point but there is a drastic difference to how I was and how I am now that honestly I have no idea what to expect of myself anymore. I'm 19 and just graduated high school with good grades, yesterday I was on my first job interview. 3 years ago I experienced a huge depression where I couldn't think at all. My mind was just completely empty. I couldn't form sentences that made sense and that took a big toll on me because all I ever did growing up was writing essays and thinking deeply about philosophical topics. I tried to better myself everyday because I discovered self dev at an early age. I meditated for 1 to 2 hours a day, I worked out, I worked on creative projects, always trying to learn something new. When 2021 ended I stopped doing all of that because I suddenly became really extroverted and I was always outside with that slowly my thinking abilities returned and I was so happy that I started indulging in weed, sex and friendships. I stopped caring about anything really except social interactions. I was talking to strangers going out with 30 people in a day constantly creating new friend-groups from scratch. I smoked a lot like 8 joints a day at that time. I did all sort of rebellious acts at school just because it got me attention. They made me take drug tests but they showed nothing. The school director made me go see a psychologist who really didn't do anything except inflate my ego telling me how smart I was for my age. Until one day they excluded me from the school so now I had to find a new school for my last year of schooling. I was constantly on Instagram chatting, posting stories, going live. Then I flew out to Denmark to spend time with my older brother for 1 month. No smoking, not much socializing. My girlfriend broke up with me when I was away from home. I couldn't sleep and I felt so bad. At the end of the month I started experiencing hallucinations. When I got back to Bulgaria I completely lost track of what is real and what is a dream. Long story short I was going through a psychosis which made me do some surreal things. I fought a police officer because I was thinking somebody was out to get me. Then I entered a clinic for 3 months where I ate shit food, was constantly fed on xanax to go to sleep, I was fighting inmates because they were trying to fuck with me. It was a long psychosis. The doctors thought I developed schizophrenia. But slowly the symptoms disappeared and when I got out of the clinic again I couldn't reason at all. Did not talk and I felt a constant anxiety that I would die because I just became stupid. I felt and still feel to an extent that I became really dumb. Everything became dull I lost interest in all my hobbies, I lost my values, my goals and dreams. I lost connection to almost everybody I knew from before. I was prescribed pills that would keep me "normal" but after 9 months I stopped them. And here I am now... I can't find a reason to do anything because I can't relate to anybody really or anything. During the psychosis at one moment I felt like Anubis at the next I felt like Ares then I was somebody else. Everything was changing so quickly that I think it fried my brain. I want to change but honestly I do not know what I want to turn into. It feels like I have exhausted the "positive possibilities" and now they do not seem to be working for me. But it's the same with everything I touch. I lost my creativity, my character. It feels like somebody wiped my save files and now I have to start a new game. I am staying there in the create a new character screen looking at all the classes and races I could pick but they just do not compute with me. I feel like an ant to which somebody is trying to explain what a car is. I am not suffering anymore because I sort of accepted how I am but still it bothering me because yeah I may be young but time flies by so fast. Eventually if I don't get my shit together I will be faced with the consequences of my incompetence. I sometimes think about suicide because what if I'm hollow all of my life? Why should I keep watching all my potential be destroyed slowly when I can just fasten the process? Because damn does this feel hopeless. It is not causing me insomnia but I know a tsunami is coming. A crocodile will snatch me eventually. Do I keep waiting? If I have to act what should I do? How do I change this situation? How do I get excited for my life again?