Search the Community

@PataFoiFoi I know exactly what you mean. Think of it as this. Its all inpersonal. Your body-mind and how it functions have never been in your hands, so don't be hard on yourself. Its karma, its something wether you want it or not that you have to go trough. My best advice is Surrender. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to heal or better yourself, but just surrender to the flow of Life. And don't go down the path of suicide. "Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may to prevent it. This is certain. The best course, therefore, is to remain silent." Ramana Maharshi

I am a person who in the past have commited suicide multiple times. Now I am not depressed or something but I simply do not have the desire to do anything. If you could take away the pain involved in dying, I would even accept being killed. I know that this is not a good place to ask, but let’s say you are in my situation. What would you do? I am now a normal person, but I just lack the desire. Maybe the only desire I have right now is to have a desire.

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #14 - Mon May 1 '23 - 9:21 AM Higher self: So.... Why do some things in the world seem tangible and true or more concrete than others? Lower self: Anything that occurs within in the mind is inherently not true because it is not a part of actual reality. There is nothing real about it. What I am looking at is real. There is a physical object in front me, that I am able to type on. The thoughts and pictures that are in my head... there is nothing that you can trace it back to, you can't touch it, you can't feel it or smell it... Higher self: But you can.. see it and hear it... Lower self: Yes... But its not real, not real like my body or a physical object. I think that this is what the materialist paradigm is. Its the belief system that only things that are in the real world are real. And honestly, as of right now, I guess I believe in it. Thoughts are just pictures in our heads, and they are so malleable and infinite. Some of these thoughts could not possibly happen in the world, i.e. I cannot fly like an eagle through the sky. Humans do not have wings, therefore I cannot do that.. Higher self: If you were an eagle, then you could. Whats the difference between you and an eagle? Lower self: Whats the difference between me and an eagle? Well my ego self, the character that I play is a human and cannot fly, an eagle is a separate entity from myself, it has wings. I only know what it would be like to fly through my imagination or in my dreams. Higher self: What is imagination? Lower self: Imagination... Is whatever we dream up in our minds. Higher self: And isn't it possible to dream up something in your own head, that actually comes true in your real life experience? Lower self: Yes, certainly. This is what visualizations are for. If I want something bad enough for my ego, then I can visualize upon it, which moves me towards that goal, subconsciously. Higher self: Lets go back to something that you said earlier, "Anything that occurs within the mind is inherently not true because it is not a part of actual reality." How can this possibly be true, if reality is everything and thoughts do occur within the mind of living things, then how can thoughts not be a part of reality? Lower self: Is reality everything? Higher self: Reality is everything, or it could not be everything. It depends on your interpretation of the word. Lower self: Exactly.. what is wrong with me saying that thoughts are not part of reality? Higher self: Okay.. But what do you really think? Lower self: I think that thoughts are part of reality. They are real. But different from physical objects, they are part of the nonphysical phenomena. Higher self: Nonphysical phenomena? Lower self: Yes. This is anything that one cannot measure or grasp. I can measure the length of my lap top. I can measure the speed at which I am typing. I can measure the speed of my vehicle. I cannot measure my thoughts. Higher self: You can write all of the thoughts down on paper though. You can record them. You can measure the speed of the thoughts that pop into your head. You can make them tangible. Lower self: Yes, but by making them tangible, I am taking something within the nonphysical world, and bringing it into the physical world. Higher self: Aren't you doing the same thing with the measurement of a laptop? Lower self: No! The laptop is a physical thing. I can pick it up, take out a measuring stick, and record a measurement. I am measuring a physical thing, with a physical instrument, and then making a physical recording of it. If I were to measure a thought, this would be measuring a nonphysical thing, with a physical instrument. That is what the difference is. Some things are physical, others are nonphysical. Higher self: Are they opposites? Physical and nonphysical? Lower self: I'd like to say yes. But from all of the books that I've read, I know that my gurus wouldn't agree.. Higher self: What do you think that they are getting at by saying that there is no such thing as opposites? Lower self: Non-duality. Higher self: And whats that? Lower self: Its a state of being I think, in which a human realizes that all dualities are fiction. Higher self: Lets try to figure this out for ourselves: Give me an argument for physical and nonphysical to be opposites, and I'll give you an argument for why they are not opposites. Lower self: Physical phenomena vs nonphysical phenomena argument for them as opposites: Physical phenomena can be touched and seen in the real world, with eyes open. Nonphysical phenomena cannot be touched and seen in the real world. Examples of this are thoughts and emotions and dreams. The two definitions are polar opposites. Higher self: Physical and nonphysical phenomena are not opposites. Physical and nonphysical phenomena are certainly different, but not opposites. Just different things within the universe. There are no opposites. This is the good vs bad paradigm, which is fiction. The ego likes to think this up in order to make distinctions, but anything that you think of as an opposite is not, you just haven't gone deep enough. Lower self: What do you mean I haven't gone deep enough? Higher self: Lets try something out. Give me an example of two things that are opposites. Lower self: Okay. Good vs bad. Okay... lets say that I am a lizard that lives in the desert. The snakes that are in the desert are bad. They can eat me. Therefore, the snakes are bad for my own survival. Insects are good, they are good for my survival. The sun is also good, it keeps me warm. Therefore, I want to stay away from the bad things and move towards the good things. Boom. Good vs bad, they are opposites. Higher self: Okay... but for the snake, catching the lizard and eating it is good, and not catching it would be bad. Also, the sun's warmth is a good thing for the lizard at the current distance the Earth is from the Sun, but if the lizard were to fly towards the sun, then the sun would no longer for good for its survival, it would be bad for its survival, as it would burn up and die. Lower self: So... Yeah, good and bad is subjective. Subjective to who is perceiving it.. Higher self: Yes, so if we were to zoom out our scope, and look at good vs. bad on a more global scale. We would see that there is no real good or real bad in the world. It is all up to the perceiver. And it can be so different that an inherently "good" thing for one person can be inherently "bad" for another. Lower self: Okay.. Yeah I understand what you are saying, but good and bad can still be opposites... just because it is subjective to the perspective of the perceiver, doesn't mean that they are not opposites. It doesn't explain that. Higher self: If you can have two things at the same time going on, i.e. snake eating lizard, good for snake, bad for lizard... then they cannot be opposites because they are occurring at the same time within the universe. Also, lets take another example. A 17 year old boy wants to kill himself. In his eyes, killing himself is a good thing. He wants this to happen. However, in the mother's eyes, this is the worst thing to happen in the world. These two perspectives have a completely different viewpoint on the matter, good and bad is occurring within the universe, at the exact same time, therefore if you were to say that they are opposites, it would be completely contradictory. The issue here is that each individual human, or ego, is caught up in its own survival. To the mother, the child is literally a part of her, and therefore the survival of the child is as a result, the same as her survival. Or maybe the mother's ego could be more selfish, and we could just say that she couldn't live with herself if she felt at all responsible for her son's death, which could result in her killing herself, which would quite literally hurt her survival. For the child that wants to kill himself. The thought of continuing on in this world is so unbearable that death actually seems like a better survival mechanism for his own ego. The pain is too much for the ego to withstand in the real world, the ego thinks that it would fare better if it wasn't on this earth anymore. I want to make that clear, a kid that kills himself is not letting go of his ego and accepting death, its to the contrary. This kids ego is actually so inflated, that it thinks that the only way it will really get recognized and gets the attention that it so desperately craves is through the killing of oneself. It wants the world to feel bad for him. The ego is taking on the ultimate victim in any suicide. I realize this is a gross generalization. I guess I'll just say that if I were to have killed myself, it would have been my twisted way of getting my ego more attention. I mean think about it, it would cause all of a characters' loved ones to stop what they're doing and give complete, full, undivided attention to that character. And lots of crying. Lower self: Damn. Higher self: So good and bad is directly tied to the survival of the ego. Something good for my ego's survival could be bad for the survival of another ego, and could even be bad for the survival of the entire world. Lower self: Okay, well how do I let go of this ego, that so desperately wants to survive. Higher self: Well you can't let go entirely, unless you're willing to die... Lower self: Damn.. Well I don't want to die. I want to keep my ego, I just want to become enlightened... and just live a good, happy life. Higher self: If that is what you seek, maybe this isn't the right work for you. Lower self: What do you mean? All we're doing here is discovering whats true. This is truth realization work. Theres nothing wrong with truth. Actually, I think thats you're ego talking. You don't want to keep going down this road. You're scared. Higher self: Damn. Lower self: There is a natural evolution that goes on with the ego of a human being. This is what spiral dynamics talks about and also the Susanne Cook-Greuter model. The issue that I have is how do I distinguish between what my ego is saying and what my higher self is saying. For example, even talking to you. You have an ego. You have not transcended it. Higher self: Yeah I think you're right. Do you think my ego is more developed than yours? Lower self: I don't know. Its hard to tell. What we are doing here is absurd. I am talking to myself. We are the same. Then again, we are all the same. But how could my ego be different than yours? Higher self: I don't know. All I really do is question everything that you say, so I guess in that sense I am more developed because I am questioning things. And you are trying to answer them, which is more the ego talking, thinking that it knows everything. You need both in order to get to the truth of things. You need someone to question, and someone to try and come up with the answer. That is what we are doing here. That is why we are such a good team. Lower self: Yeah, fair enough. I'll talk to you later. Higher self: Peace.

It depends on what you mean by pull up? If you mean working full time to live in an apartment and eat 3 meals a day then yes. if you deviate from this path and say, have 3 kids, buy a car on credit, participate in what everyone is trying to sell you, incur any chronic health problems that need constant medical treatment (financial suicide in the US), then no.

Presently, I am facing difficult circumstances and require assistance, though it is tough for me to ask for help as it may reflect poorly on me. As a 30-year-old man living with my mother and sisters in Athens, Greece, my family has been supporting me financially for the past few years. Unfortunately, Greece's economy is not as developed as other countries like the United States, and high rent costs can take up to 50% of one's income, making it very difficult for most individuals to make ends meet without parental support. Both of my parents were uneducated and dysfunctional, and their behavior negatively impacted my life. Additionally, my father's alcoholism, poor mental health (OCD), and absence during my childhood left a lasting negative impact on my life. I have always yearned for self-reliance and autonomy. Nevertheless, the job market in Greece is very limited, and finding a position that pays enough to cover basic expenses is challenging. Therefore, I have been considering the possibility of moving to countries such as Norway or Holland, where better opportunities might exist. Despite identifying some job openings in Holland, I am hesitant to accept them because they require sharing accommodation with three other people, which does not align with my preferred living arrangements. Furthermore, most of these jobs involve manual labor, which does not align with my career goals. I am proficient in the basics of HTML/CSS & Javascript and desire to work as a web developer or in a position where I can learn valuable skills. Unfortunately, my past addiction issues and mental health concerns have affected my productivity and hindered my progress. Nevertheless, I have successfully overcome my addiction to marijuana and am now in a much better mental state. I have been facing several challenges lately. Despite my efforts, I have been unsuccessful in securing a decent job in Greece, and my limited qualifications have made it challenging for me to work as a web developer. To make matters worse, the environment at home is not supportive, and I have not been receiving the love and understanding that I need. The frequent arguments at home have made the situation even more difficult for me, and it is taking a toll on my mental well-being. I feel trapped and uncertain about my future, which has led to some thoughts of suicide. It's hard to know what to do when it seems like my only options are to settle for a dead-end job & continue struggling to make ends meet. Ultimately, my desire is to live independently on a livable wage while working in a fulfilling job where I can learn valuable skills.

Depression consists of a minimum of a loss of interest and hopelessness. A person who is hopeless typically has low desire, low motivation, low meaning, low interest/boredom. A happy person has the opposite and has ambitions/desires. I get what you mean, but part of what makes someone depressed and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, severe is not having anything to look forward to. I mean suicide to its extent is the loss of desire to live. The fact that you desire to work through your traumas and overcome depression are aspects of positivity/happiness. Happiness isn’t just feeling joy, but it is a mindset I carry through every emotion. I can be sad and still be happy because the mindset of a happy person in a sad state is self-reassurance and self-empowerment. That’s how I like to think of happiness. Not as some dopamine high of bliss, but a state of mind of acceptance, nurturance, cultivation, discipline, curiosity, and desire/ambition. Optimism through the hard times, being able to continue to focus on my strengths and growth is how I am always able to happy or in a happy-growth mindset.

Predictability Animals are very predictable in their behavior which means they are pretty consistent. Humans on the other hand are a lot harder to predict. Jean-Paul Sartre goes so far in comparing animal and human that he says the following. for humans: existence precedes essence for animals: essence precedes existence Meaning that it's clear what an animal will do if it is put into the world. If you put a lion into the savanna there is just one thing which it could decide to do which is doing lion stuff. A human on the other hand can't be predicted like that. A human could invent shit, commit suicide, play the guitar, .. I don't think that's an absolute statement though. Even animal behavior is very complicated and most of the time not fully understood and at the same time you can predict the behavior of many humans pretty well. So hypothetical from an all intelligent entity there might not be a big difference between animal and human, there might just be more details to consider when predicting human behavior. The interesting question is what does it mean that certain behavior is more predictable than others? Is little predictability a sign of intelligence, wisdom, consciousness, .. ? We speak very badly of people who are easily to predict. Bots is a funny new swear word and it describes exactly a person who is very predictable so we intuit that it's a "bad" thing. So let's dive deep into what makes for predictability. If an object is very simple it's easily predictable. A rock is as predictable as it gets. A flower is more astronomically more complicated than a rock but still easily to predict. A bear is astronomically more complicated than a flower but still relatively predictable if you dive deep into studying a bear. A human is astronomically more complicated than a bear and pretty hard to predict, definitely not with certainty. So it seems with primitivity and simpleness comes predictability. A human is much easier to predict when strong emotions are at play. (Rationality is informed by emotions). What seems very hard to predict is when humans/ other evolved sentient beings act out of intuition. What is also pretty unpredictable is when humans act out of selfness motives. Selfishness makes predictability. And selfishness also seems to be rather primitive. Intuition is a complicated one. Its a form of intelligence but does it have different traits then reason for example? Is intuition a trait of of high intelligence? Does high intelligence has to be selfless?

@M A J I THanks for sharing, i suppose it is very possible that something like this could happen. My sister lives in a hippie town and a shaman came giving toad (€150 per session btw), many sessions, and there were similar cases, even a guy committed suicide. In that town everyone greets each other giving a hug of about 6 seconds, and everything is good vibes. everything is fake, obviously, these people think that if they look happy and full of love, they will be happy and full of love, and they repress themselves more than a nun from 100 years ago. If these people seriously go down the psychedelic path, they may end up in a mental institution. the connection to earth to be like iron, and the integrity with oneself even more solid.

call 988. it's the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. seriously call it. it might feel awkward at first but it is so helpful just to have someone there to listen. it's free and they'll stay on until you feel better. they follow up too. it's really a beautiful service that doesn't get enough attention. it's my go to last resort. make life the only choice.... also if you were serious about a book recommendation, i think that's the main focus of the tibetan book of the dead, i haven't read it yet so don't quote me on it. you can also die while alive, and i think that's the most proper way to die... leo has books about that on his book list... i think the process is called enlightenment or something... lol in all seriousness, be safe.

Don't need to suicide bro. We are all going to die in the next 150 years guaranteed.

Yes they have no business owning homes, its a fake luxury designed to keep you poor and a wage slave. The credit system is designed to milk you. Most people in todays society would be wise to find a group of people they get along with that all work and live in the same place together to minimize expenses as much as possible. Having children is financial suicide, another trap people living in a unrealistic fantasy think they have the random luxury to afford, people cant afford children.

But I said in the very next sentence that science shows that animals suffer from kinds of emotions as well. Some animals can have depression. Just the other day there was a cat in my back alley comminted suicide because she lost her baby kittens. Sorry im on my phone I can't unquote.

thanks, but it cannot but go wrong since all the businesses and people are under their sway and i cannot talk and explain stuff to others so they will be prejudiced and against me. this is a serious capitalist organized mafia that tries making people commit suicide and lose all their belongings and people.

If the entire world had the same system of governing things would not work on a macro level. Socialism or capitalism works on those country where it works because other countries are either worst off than them which allows them to function. ie some African countries, China with its low cost labor, Apple factories in China had to suicide proof their factories because workers were literally killing themselves so apple could be the most valuable company in the world. North Korea undoubtedly offers lots of resources to China which in turn creates cheap Chinese products to sell on Amazon When people live well, others have to suffer in return. The survival game is real ugly and I don't think anyone really has an idea to change that.

Christians and Muslims have committed suicide. So that means their ideologies are dangerous! Lol

Understanding Reality. Like, Absolutely. The rest will follow. Nope, not a trap. Remaining in human consciousness will not be sufficient for accessing higher states of consciousness. No ifs, ands, or buts about that. And I’m not talking about suicide.

What do I do? I have to die basically. I don't want my destiny to be in the hands of dangerous people like these. It is not gonna end better than suicide now. I am sorry, but if there was anything I could do for anyone before I die, I would. Everyone from my point of view is in danger who was born here. Whether they will get in a lot of danger like me or not is up to the people who actually have this place. It is all theirs. Law is bullshit. There is no property you can have next to them if they don't want you to have it.

@Ninja_pig Did you know in the original video, he titled the video with words like suicide and death, but changed it later due to anticipating a backlash?

Alright… so most of my day was tackling the kitchen… lol… I got most of it done. If I feel like it tomorrow…. I think I’ll be able to finish it up. It’s funny because I find things my dads placed somewhere… I think this doesn’t need to be in the kitchen and so I take it into the studio area which I just organized, but now I have more things to figure out where they go. I keep reminding my dad that he’ll have to participate in this one day. I want to know what’s comfortable for him… where he feels he wants his tools and such which makes sense to him. I told him I’m doing my type of ceremony for him… purging out some of his things and cleaning it up so he has the opportunity to either enjoy the organization and likes knowing where things are or he’ll be in habits and it’ll just start looking like his normal. It was a bit of a challenge through the winter definitely. I found myself having similar habits… lol… we don’t have running water or hear… so there’s not a whole lot of motivation… good thing I was lost in my own world of creativity and journaling.. lol.. but I can sympathize with him. And I’m sure he thinks it’s going to take forever to clean and organize so he chooses not to do it. Hopefully he can see that it really doesn’t take long when we put our focus on to something. But I’m hoping he feels better with the space open and clean. I know it was making me fell pretty suffocating when I first arrived. I didn’t want to bombard him with a ton of change all at once, but once I realized he didn’t care too much for me to get rid of things… then it’s a lot easier. That’s the thing… it’s much easier for me to get rid of things then for him…. Plus I’ve got an idea of what he’s particular with… so it’s not that hard. I took my little buddy outside today. Last time he seemed to be more relaxed around the house so I thought I’d just stay here and have him explore. Well right when we went outside the gray cat, Sissy came up… and they do not like each other. In fact I’ve been hearing them hissing at each other at the windows.. I went outside first to see if she was around and it seemed like the coast was clear. But I placed him on the grass.. he went to start having a snack and there she comes. I tried to take him in the back yard and she followed. My dad was able to get Sissy to the front, but by then my little buddy Elvis was in flight mode. I couldn’t stop him from hiding and also he just wanted to dart back inside. So we did. We’ve got another beautiful day tomorrow.. I might take him to a little park that’s small and hopefully not too crowded. See how he does. Speaking about cats my dad is getting more concerned for the new guy… one-eyed Jack… he is definitely scrawny and he hasn’t really been eating. He’s been inside for about a month and he’s not showing signs of getting any healthier. He’s more comfortable with us and loves attention… he’s like a little shadow.. not me but my dad too. But he’s afraid he might die soon. I told him I’m not sure what to do really. I recalled the dog I was trying to help on my dieta from the village. There were a good amount of dogs running around which were pretty healthy.. but there was one that looked like a skeleton. I didn’t know why none of the village wasn’t trying to help the guy out. I ended up taking him back to the center with… my shaman wasn’t too happy about it, but I was trying to see if we could nurse it back to health. I was unsuccessful. Within a week he ended up passing and we buried him on the land. I’ve been thinking about death or at least transitioning from this physical perception. And there’s just little bits and pieces that I’ve been thinking so it makes me want to tumble it around a bit more. But yeah… maybe this cat is about to die. We don’t want it to die, but what if he’s to the point that we can’t do much except love him until he passes? That’s how I felt when my grandparents were in hospice. I’ll touch back on that in a bit. But the same thing happened with the dog in the jungle. At first I was a little upset that the village wasn’t trying to help this guy out. But there’s a tendency for other animals to treat the sick animal unwell… like keeping it away from them or trying to get it to run off or even try to kill it. I was visiting a girlfriend who bought land and a center in a Peruvian village and she had a group of dogs that she was taking care of. She was nursing them to health and trying to get them to be adopted eventually. What maybe seven or eight dogs. One of the dogs was all bones… and the alpha dog was a Great Dane. They were all good dogs but the Great Dane hated that sick dog. Lol.. if it’s not obvious yet… I’m a bit crazy. So the Great Dane would attack this sick guy and I would jump in every time I was around to stop it. But it happened constantly. I’d be carrying the sick dog away many times… he’d have wounds to heal. I’m not sure how long after I left the Great Dane did end up killing the dog. Again… I wanted the dogs to get along… and I wasn’t really mad at their behavior but maybe they sense something more than what I can sense? Because I didn’t see any dogs really around this sick dog in the village either. I know my cat really doesn’t seem to like anyone other than me… lol… but he’s trying to keep Jack away too. Actually I hadn’t thought of this before… but my brother nursed our dog back to health growing up with Pedialyte. Maybe I can give that a try. It was different with our dog.. she was trying to hide to die… and the cat seems to want attention but it’s weak. I know I’ll feel bad when the cat dies. Especially because it seems like it’s been neglected since it’s been born… he finally has a chance to at least have some people love on him and give him some shelter when he needs it. My dad says many things about being sick of cats around… but he’s got a good heart and he’s worried about the little guy even though he’s new to the house. But we don’t know what it was going through before we met him. I just find situations where I want to help animals who are on the verge of dying and they end up dying even though I try to stop it. I feel sad because again I feel the life they were living wasn’t easy for them. And I know once I entered into their lives I would give them attention and love… so at least they have that before they pass. I know I want to continue to work with animals.. I absolutely love them. I’ve actually had animals be guests in ceremony with me too. I’ve done ceremonies with Elvis which has been quite beautiful but I’ve also had three dogs join as well. Mostly I’m just trying to clear out their energies… one ceremony it was really cool because I was able to settle them all down at the same time… it was as if they felt the energy and intent of the moment. And Elvis was a really good helper in one particular ceremony. There was a guy who wasn’t comfortable. He was pacing inside and he would go outside and pace. He was having issues with kidney stones and even passing his stool. But there were a few guests… so if he was outside pacing and I was inside with another guest… I’d hear Elvis meowing… and he’d be looking outside.. he’s like go check on this guy… I’m worried about him… lol… so I would. Spend time and return into the Maloca and continue…. But he did that about three times that night and that was the first time he’s been so vocal in ceremony… especially with a gentleman he doesn’t even know. He could just feel the energy and it seemed like he was really concerned. Elvis knows I am trying to connect and communicate with him… I respond fairly quickly if he’s meowing to acknowledge him and watch him to see what he’s wanting from me. But yeah maybe I need to learn more about how to treat illness with animals. Reminds me a little time in my life when I was quite young I thought I’d want to be a veterinarian until I found out I’d also have to put them down at times… so I decided not to. But darn it.. I guess that’s just what I’m supposed to do or at least be involved with a some extent. I’m not sure if any who reads this has seen an animal or a human take their last breath. It’s intense and it rips at the heart when it happens. I’ve been there for a dog and I’ve been there with my grandma. It’s tough but I also had time to help them prepare though too and that seems to help in the transition and being present to observe the transition happening. Is more of that going to be part of my experiences? When I thought I was going to die and I thought my shaman was going to help me pass… it made sense to me at the time. Again I remembered being there for my grandparents when we knew their time was short. I feel blessed that I had those experiences. They meant so much to me and when they decided to go into hospice I knew that my time with them was short… and I’m going to be a part of that. I think I intuitively knew this would be the best way for me to process losing them from my physical presence. I was in my first semester in college when my grandma went to hospice. They didn’t think she would last but a few days. The family caretakers had a lesson on what to do and what to possibly look for when death is imminent. There have been some instances that they could be completely clear, competent and conscious right before they pass. I was hoping to experience that moment with my grandma, but it didn’t happen. My grandma was unfortunately in a vegetative state when she went to her home for hospice. She had an allergic reaction in the hospital which cause multiple seizures. I was on the night shifts with my dad… We had to take care of her bodily fluids because she couldn’t consciously do them for herself. I remember helping her with her mouth and swabbing it with these sucker sponges… sponge baths… giving her medication anally because she couldn’t swallow… none of this bothered me. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be in those moments. I’d still give her massages… comb her hair.. we’d still talk to her and tell her how much she meant to us all. My grandpa was having a very hard time with it all. My grandma did almost everything for him… he was terrified to live without her… and I could hear him at night crying and telling her… begging her not to leave him. Telling her that he’s scared and doesn’t want to live without her… it was heartbreaking. I felt so bad for my grandpa… but I also knew he was going to be taken care of and he’ll eventually gain the strength to overcome his loss. Well we were going to do our best to get him to overcome. My grandma’s sister passed before her and her husband didn’t last a month after she passed. So we didn’t want the same thing to happen for him, but really who are we to say when the best time is for someone to pass? I’d say that individual knows to some extent when they want to pass? Especially if the choice is taken away by someone’s action that leads to that passing. We knew we had to get my grandpa confident that we were going to take care of him. We won’t do the same job as grandma, but we’re going to do our best and I told him I think grandma can hear us. I’d ask my grandpa to let her know he’s going to be ok. I know it’s going to be hard to live without her, but we don’t want her living her life like this though either. I remember being there watching and listening to my grandpa encouraging her that he’ll be taken care of and she doesn’t have to worry. He kept on repeating how much he loved her and how much she had made him so happy… again heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time. My grandparents had been together since they were in high school. Their families lived an alley way apart. My grandma was 68 when she passed… and I remember everyone celebrating their 50th anniversary a few years earlier. Her first and only lover. And it seemed like she was waiting for something before she wanted to let herself go to pass. And of course I don’t know if this is the case, but I think she was waiting for my grandpa to tell her that… before she chose to transition. Again seeing someone take their last breath was tough… I just remember her breathing doubled or even tripled in pace like hyperventilating and then she stopped breathing. And any excess fluids she had came out of her mouth, and I believe she also had a bowel happen at that moment. It’s really had to lose a loved one but darn it.. I was so grateful that she passed though too… I didn’t want her to live in that state for too long… it just wasn’t living. When I was my grandpa’s hospice nurse I moved in with him. He was at a different circumstance when he went into hospice. He was conscious and coherent, but he wasn’t allowed to have anymore heart surgeries. It was tricky with him because his body was filling up with fluids and a lot of the family was arguing how to deal with it. Whether to be strict on his diet so prolong the inevitable or to have him enjoy his food while he could. We were trying to restrict as much as we could… he was already in the habit of it anyway, but yeah… when he made special requests… how in the hell or we going to tell him no. We want him to enjoy and be as comfortable as he can before he passes. It was really great, because it was a couple months with my grandpa and so everyone was able to spread the word to the community… so we’d have all kinds of people visiting and sharing memories. My grandpa was involved with the community through coaching and the elks club… we’d have grown adults bringing in old pictures and uniforms or a baseball… my grandpa coached my basketball in middle school so I had some teammates around my age who came to visit… it was just really nice to be able to share that time with people able to say their good-byes… being a part of their hospice care really changed me in a deep way, especially when it came to showing appreciation and love while we share this experience, but also about dealing with death. In both instances I knew I was going to miss them, but I also didn’t want them to continue living in the state they were in… so it was best to transition beyond the physical. I really was able to overcome any feelings of attachment for them to stay because I didn’t want them to leave… it wasn’t about me… and I’m fortunate to take the time to show them and tell them how much they meant to me… I didn’t have any regrets. Again it seemed like my grandpa was also waiting for something before he wanted to pass too. So my grandparents has four children… and at that time there was arguing going on between them. Sad to say but I’d have to ask people to leave the house… or least go outside. If there was any arguing or yelling… I’d say that’s enough… take a breather… that energy doesn’t need to be here in front of grandpa… of course that would upset him. That shit upsets everyone… so I’d have to kick them out and tell them to return when they are calmer. I know they have high emotions going on and they’re trying to express themselves but they can have a more mature approach to the communication. I mean some were directing to my grandpa. And that’s what upset me… why are they waiting until he’s on his death bed to bring all of this up… why couldn’t they bring it up before. But again I know they needed their closure too… this was their chance.. but to be yelling and angry isn’t the way. But because their was issues between the kids not all of them were there at the same time. I was teaching painting classes at the time… but they were only three to four hours long and it was a few times a week… but I left for an event and all of my aunts and uncle and my dad was visiting for the first time all together and without me… I got a call on the way to work that my grandpa past. I remember thinking to myself… so that’s what you were waiting for. He was waiting for all of them to be together when he chose to pass. I remember at the funeral some of my cousins said they thought I was going to take it a lot harder than I did. I told them I’ve spent the last months with grandpa… I’ve already had closure and acceptance while he was here. I’m going to miss him, but I know he’s in a better state then where he was. My grandma’s burial I couldn’t even stay to see her being lowered into the ground… I was still very emotional. My grandpa I had more time to process and be with him before so I wasn’t so emotional and was more stable to see at the funeral and burial. This also brings me to my es-stepmother’s mom who passed away last year. I wanted to be here for her celebration of life last October. Again I have a better understanding of what death is at this point… a part of me wished I could’ve been there for her during the last moments. She was involved in my life from around first grade to sixth grade… which doesn’t seem like a long time but she was extremely influential to me. I feel like I really got the best moments from her liveliness when she was with us. Her health starting going down hill when she was grandparents to her children’s children. Since I was struggling with my own battles with my ex-step mom… I didn’t spend a lot of time with my grandma after… but i cannot forget all the great memories I had with her and just how she approached teaching us… sticks with me. She’s the one who really got me involved in being creative… really inspired me to explore so many areas of creativity. They lived on a farm and that really had an impression on me too… how much hard work goes into farming… her laughter… oh my goodness you could almost here it a mile away… lol… I remember I’d be in elementary school sitting in class and then we’d all hear her laughing and everybody would look at me… oh your grandma’s here… lol.. actually my dad’s grandparents… they were my number one fans in all my sporting events. That was a ritual for me… I’d be doing the warm-ups but before we had to sit down to start the game… I’d always go and visit my grandparents… i don’t know but they gave me so much joy and I was just so proud to have them their supporting me. I wish I could’ve been more involved before she passed, but I know there’s nothing I could’ve said to her that she doesn’t already know now after she passed…. She was remarkable and truly lovable. It’s really trying to be there for the family who will be challenged with the loss of their appearance in the physical who needs the support. They become infinite, and we don’t have to worry about them anymore… continue to cherish their memory and observe our own tendencies that we share… right this reality we can continue to share a part of them within ourselves… it’s beautiful. I’ve always been close to my dad, but after my grandpa passed… it felt like our relationship went to another level… he has no clue how much I appreciate him being my dad. I tell him all the time and he just laughs… but I’m happy I found the time to be able to share these moments with my dad right now. I’m grateful to be helping him be comfortable as much as I can. Lol… my uncle wants me to be his caretaker after he saw how I was with my grandpa, his dad… I said I will, but my dad’s on the top of my list… I joked around… I don’t know if I can handle both of you at the same time though. So yeah… if that’s going to continue to happen where I’m with people before they transition… I’d be honored. It’s an honor to be able to experience that with them. If I’m understanding correctly… we will choose to share that experience together, and I know I’ll do my best for them to not be fearful… I’ll do my best to make them as comfortable as they can. I can guarantee they will feel loved until their last breath of this physical experience. I really do love to love. I keep thinking about my death experience and my awakening experience… i know I’m going to continue sharing ceremony, and if my shaman was able to help guide me to those experiences… I want to learn how to do it too. I think I was shown this in my experience for my to learn this. That’s what I feel is going to happen on this expedition… I have a feeling its going to be a group that’s with me, and I’m not sure what we’re going to be doing the whole time, but I said it’s the journey that usually is the juice of it really… and I feel I’ll be ready to help guide this group to their death and awakening. I don’t know it might happen sooner… there was a friend from Peru who I was working with that I got the feeling he’s close… he might not need my help actually but if I happen to be with him… I’m going to do my best to make it comfortable and as easy as I can help. Right… I’m not afraid to communicate and so I like to tell my guests as much as I can to prepare them. When I was going through it… my shaman didn’t prepare me… lol… of course we were lost in translation a lot of the time, but when he said I needed to passé… I didn’t understand that… I didn’t understand that my mind would interpret that as passing out of the physical experience what we call death. I don’t know if I would have responded differently but I think I would have. I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did if I was prepared. I’m hoping that maybe they don’t even have to think they are dying… they can just feel like they’re awakening.. I’m sure each individual will be different. But I think the people I’ll work with maybe similar to myself… they’ll be finding their own way to awaken for themselves. But if I can help guide them… if it feels like I’m telling them they’re going to die in ceremony… that again in my experience there was a choice whether they want to continue the death experience of infinity or if they want to live fully in this physical experience. And that’s where it causes hesitation… what if someone does decide to continue to transition and pass? I have to be honest… I would probably still be honored to be a part of that shared experience. It’s just societies opinion about it that will be a challenge to handle. Right, society has a different perception about death. Again… I don’t know if this is the case in every situation, but I feel like it’s a choice. I don’t know whether someone passes unexpectedly by someone’s actions whether they choose or not… but I also don’t know what goes on in their minds whether they were looking to embrace infinity but didn’t know what they were asking for… it’s hard to express or even think about… right it’s not easy to talk about these things because again society sees it as the thing to avoid at all costs is to die. It’s the worst thing that can happen to someone. I just don’t know if this is true or not. Well actually I do know for me… it’s not the worst thing to happen. Maybe when you haven’t experienced death or a sense of eternal existence… it can be the worst thing. But if we do have that experience that death is not a final state then it’s not the worst thing. To me and my experiences is when I had a choice to stay as a nonphysical existence of bliss or to return to the physical… I wanted to return to be able to experience bliss with this body, with this mind, and with the universe. There was not a wrong choice, but to return to the physical I want to fully express and experience as much as I am capable. Many of my messages tell me that the universal collective is connecting at extremely deep levels. So I could just choose a life where I’m creating bliss only for myself, but I think we’re capable of much more than that. It’s as if i’m choosing this physical life because I am curious to see what a conscious collective will create together. Not only that but to see what I’m capable of in the physical experience as well. I was reading a few posts on the Forum and I ran into a post where a member posted someone on YouTube saying that Leo is creating a cult. I didn’t listen to the video because I feel like it’s a silly thought. As a student of Leo… I feel like this group has a deeper theory into the structure of cults and it’s obvious to us this isn’t a cult. But what I’ve been gathering from this post and again from other posts that happen to draw my attention… its the case there’s so many of us that doesn’t have our own experience of what death is. I feel the member who posted it was thinking that there were three people who have committed suicide while listening to Leo’s videos. Again I didn’t watch the video so I don’t know all the details. I know I’ve listened to Leo’s videos and he’s addressed one of these cases before. the member I feel didn’t address his issue in a mature manner, but I think he’s trying to see if there is a way to prevent people from killing themselves. Or trying things that has the potential of death. Is there a way to prevent that? Again who are we to decide whether someone should choose to be nonphysical or physical? I might have thought about taking my life once in my life but it was an impulsive thought and yeah I was just stressed and angry and I just wanted to give up… but it was fleeting for myself. And it was only a thought… I didn’t take any action towards it. I think I was probably late middle school or high school when this thought occurred. But I’m assuming that some people may battle with this thought maybe on a more regular basis. If I can be open to the idea that if I lived a life where I constantly thought of suicide… and then I had that choice again to be nonphysical or physical… I could see myself choosing to be nonphysical. I feel I could imagine many scenarios where I would’ve been able to choose the nonphysical. And I’d honestly say that societies opinion about my choice wouldn’t be a care for me. I’d assume I would be so disconnected that the physical world would no longer be a choice I’d like to continue. Why don’t we entertain the idea that death is a choice for a second. What if we all saw death as not the worst thing in the world. In fact because we thought it was a choice… would we be so upset with death? Could we really be upset with someone who chooses to pass out of the physical? Maybe we cannot understand why, but they can understand why. If we had a choice when to die… would there even be murder? Who are we surviving against? That’s the thing survival mode is many people’s focus because they don’t want to die. But can they entertain the idea that death may not be what they think it is? Maybe focusing on surviving death causes more unnecessary deaths… because we think everything is trying to kill us all the time. How can we get to a point where we feel safe from death? How can we get to a point where death isn’t so scary or uncomfortable? How can we get to a point where death isn’t a negative thought? Some of the readers might be asking why would I even be thinking these thoughts… how is that possible and what would be the advantage to gain anyway? Well.. if we are identifying as human… what would be the advantage of not being scared of death… it would completely change the human collective psyche and behavior patterns. I know it’s hard to imagine, but if we humans didn’t have to survive life… we’d have the time in the world to do… what? Live life to our fullest? Create our wildest of dreams? Well… if we are identifying as a spiritual human… this is what we are doing. We are trying to experience existence beyond the limits of a human… maybe what we can call it the spirit… many spiritual humans have developed an understanding that surviving life isn’t the most conscious way to live as a human… we’ve experienced the nonphysical and there’s no body to sense, no environment to experience, no human mind to learn… which may sound awful, but it’s not… but to have this physical experience and not be able to appreciate it’s brilliance would be the worst thing possible… because it’s our moment to take advantage of this masterful art we are creating. we are already on this spiritual path, but many don’t realize it. I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but just because I didn’t realize it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t happening already. Again I feel like I want to know how to make us realize we’re on a spiritual path already and of course sooner… lol… but I know it’s already happening, but is it happening at this pace because most of the collective is not conscious of this? Maybe we are conscious and the pace is perfect… maybe I’m just wondering why I feel the desire to help people see death differently. why do I have the desire to help people realize death and even the desire to support when they desire to transition? I’m comfortable asking these questions, and I’m comfortable not having to find a resolution at this time. Lol… I feel like I’ve been purging so much lately that I just feel like I’ve got space to spare. I feel like I have more attention to give to areas because again I feel like my energetic thoughts aren’t so spread out… this purging process is valuable to me. I appreciate everything that I’ve been able to attract to get me to this point. And again I’m excited to see how this continues to develop. Yeah I think this is a good place to stop for now. I’ve been thinking maybe I should spread my Journal entries out for a few days… I’m not sure but I’m open to it. Yes I’ve been getting a ton of value, but I also want to create some space from it too… lol… Creating space seems to be what I’m drawn to do right now. Alright until next time.

Anyone accusing me of running a suicide cult here will be banned. I am done entertaining your shameless crap. There is nothing black and white about my advice. So be very careful what you post here.

This is a video that I believe brings up valid issues with Actualized.org: This is my comment under the video: [I'm going to sound like an actualized (get it) internet soy brainwashed wojack by saying this, but Leo has had a big positive influence on my life personally. I'm going to try to justify some of his actions in this comment. First thing I should say is he is entirely unequipped to handle the problem of THREE PEOPLE committing suicide as a direct result of his videos. His whole attitude towards the topic is atrocious, and he absolutely needs to come up with a more effective means of preventing such events in the future, along with protocols to follow if suicide is a possibility for one of his followers. He changes what he says all the time about how life and spirituality works and whatnot but rarely acknowledges such contradictions in his videos. He also blames his followers for not accepting or understanding properly what he his saying which is absolutely the WRONG thing to do. He justifies this attitude by saying he is simply not tolerating people's ignorance but even if he is the all powerful enlightened master of the world, this is still an unwise approach. I also don't like his views on dating and the whole manosphere side of him. This is something that can be done away with I think. That being said, I am here to propose that not only are his teachings correct (when understood properly), they also have a huge potential for positive impact on the world, and already have helped many people. For me personally, it was his videos that got me OUT of the "athiest vs. theist" mentality that Thunderfoot pedals in his videos, which I watched a lot of. He gave me a new perspective on spirituality, religion, and a new way to think about life in general. He also instilled in me a very serious sense of open-mindedness and cognitive discipline (as I would call it). An ability to question beliefs of all kinds to a level that is not normally even thought possible among most people. I have taken a few doses of magic mushrooms at the inspiration of Leo and have had have had huge benefits (I will not go into the specifics). I did outside research on the affects of psychedelics on the human mind, potential negative effects, and was very careful while taking the doses to ensure nothing tragic would happen (which is a very real possibility if the right precautions are not taken, and is something I believe Leo should emphasize more). On the apparent pedophilia justification and mother fixation: Pedophilia is used as an example in his work because it is pretty much the most appalling topic he can think of. He uses this to try to back up the point that morality is human-centric and created by humans, and there is nothing universally objective about it. He does not make his assertion about the made-up nature of morals simply to justify pedophilia. He definitely was very rude and immature to Kevin, and I have no idea how he expects that behavior to convince more people of his own assertions. IDK what the pedophilia symbol thing is about though. I definitely hope he did not do that on purpose. If he is a pedophile that would make me very sad. The mother thing is also him using the topic of mothers to make one of his points. Most people hold their mother very near and dear to them in their hearts. He is encouraging people to question even their most sacred of beliefs in order to stop being attached to the ones the hold that are false and holding them back from further spiritual understanding. As far as the whole enlightenment, "I am god" thing is concerned, I would encourage anyone reading this to not instantly reject such statements merely because they are wacky and outrageous. Take the attitude of "It's probably false, but I'm going to try to at least understand what he is saying". It won't hurt to just consider new ideas, and you can always go back to the sane mainstream once you are done. For those who's lives have been negatively affected by Leo's teachings, I want to say that while they can be positive, he definitely is irresponsible giving such black and white, life altering statements to such a wide audience that could include children and people with mental illness. Especially the topic of psychedelics. That stuff is way more dangerous than he says. He needs to be much more responsible with his platform. He always says to take his teachings with skepticism and not accept them blindly, but he should have realized by now that this is not enough to prevent people ruining their lives using his ideas.] Let me know your guys' thoughts.

The suicide rates of trans people, should tell enough, how horrible they feel in our society currently. Yes there are some problems, for example with sports and women's bathrooms, but the focus should still be in acceptance and how we can make them feel better. We don't need to give More rights to one group of people that other have, but we still can make them feel .ore understood and accepted.

>I personally don't know if people really know what they are pursuing aka Truth. Wise points, both of them. Hope you don't mind if I comment on your message that was originally adressed to Yimpa ( : People are pursuing happiness/bliss/no more suffering. In my opinion by definition. Different projects, same motivation. You always follow something that you think will make you whole and end suffering. Or rather ending the cycle of being discontent from time to time (dukha=unsatisfactoriness, at least not totally permanent satisfying). >Maybe they'll become sad that Truth, Enlightenment and Awakening will not get you laid or rich. I can assure you that the really staying in your True Nature (not the preliminary one with Nonduality already happening but separate self still quite alive, the Nonduality-Identity, the "enlightened" "Person" . That is already awesome bliss-wise, but still has phases of being still grasping and not being fully there) will bring you what you want bliss-wise. For me, in the beginning it was like: Hey, you fooled yourself your whole life with every endeavour you thought would finally bring permanent bliss. Which at the end, it didn't. Not quite. But the strange thing was: It didn't end. The cycle of dis-satisfaction was broken. Just sitting there and doing nothing, watching a park, would completely suffice. A source of bliss within you, always accessible, just do the resting in your True Nature correctly. If you know how to contact & rest in it. I am happily married (which brings a lot of bliss), and also really can't complain on the financial side. But being rich will definitely not make you happy alone, no chance. It doesn't harm for sure (at least if you are not stupid), but doesn't and can't suffice. How could some arisings happening within you make you happy, when you don't know what You are? That is not the way the game is designed. It couldn't even be designed that way. Everbody is guided back home. How can some rich folks be excluded from that, in permanent bliss from just being rich. ( : Which is exactly what you can see happening: See all the celebrity-examples. Just doesn't suffice. Many even suicide, having tried all standard methods for bliss, and having had the privilege to try them all, and find them quite lacking: quite higher tendency for drugs & suicide than average. You need the True Thing (capital T) I know, some text lines & claims in a forum. But hey, its true. And even True. And you reading that, you already have That! You are already That! Never can not be That, never having not been That. ( : Maybe you just dont know what you really are, and how to access that. Maybe there are (1) clouds of mistaken identity, and (2) regular cycles of suffering/dis-satisfactoryness in the way. One day, this life or the next, "you" will find a way for the clouds to be seen through/blown away, and you will recognize that (1) and (2) have been the exactly same phenomenon and process happening within you, one causing the other, or rather: being the same process. Like in "couldn't be designed any different, but hey, what the heck of a magnificent ride". Then you will laugh at the greatest joke ever not told.... I wish you bon voyage on the journey back home. Water by the River

So, I just want to share some information and a disclaimer on myself. Though I consider myself relatively mental healthy I do sometimes feel strong negative emotions. During these down periods I sometimes have suicidal thoughts and I have expressed them here in the past. I want to issue a disclaimer that I do not condone suicide. I share real struggles I've dealt with since my youth. These types of thoughts somehow got wired into my brain through either my genes or my up bringing. I believe in honouring my life. Really, I share the negative thoughts because I want to be real and also share my progress as I go about healing these types of thought patterns. They are a trauma and a dysfunction I deal with. I think it's actually a whining sort of spiritual bypassing fantasy where I could completely replace what is with my fantasy of how I would like it. It's neurotic. I will improve in this regards and love myself more and be more kind. I will also do the things I need to do to get to where I want to go and just be patient and persistent. I believe in living my life to the fullest. Suicide is not something I will ever do. It is a thought I need to heal around through more consciousness, love and self reflection. I take my role as a mod seriously and part of that is being a leader around mental health. We need to keep ourselves healthy and treat each other well. Let's make this a place that promotes the highest quality mental health we can have and nothing less. Self Love is the most important thing. If you could be one thing, be well. It's okay to have ups and downs as long as we are working on our downs through regular self reflection. I am well. And if you are not feeling well right now just breath, take it easy. Being kind to what is. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. You continue to grow. Rest is important. I am working on always working from a place of inner wellness. That is home base. I am there more and more frequently as I improve my cognitive function through regularly journaling, self reflection, reading, direct experience, trial and error. It's a process of discovery, and it involves failure and ups and downs. But, I basically know that my number one goal is to love what is.

Leo said it was ego bullshit when I was suicidal when my friend killed himself. But threatened to kill himself and others Double standard much @Leo Gura How should we feed or respect Leo when he doesn't care if we suffer, die, call us stupid, idiots, retarded, threaten suicide, and murder. When i could make the same valid argument. And be INSTANTLY banned