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A full letting go is out of your control. It might feel like you are in control of satori, but you can recognize that satori is this already and that the energy of wanting to have it, know it, control it, seek it, is what creates a sense of seperation and hides it. This is it already, God (this) can appear as a seperate person writing or reading this, from the persons point of view it is personal and meaningful, but really it's always just God (this) appearing as whatever is appearing. It is impersonal, and the biggest mind fuck is that this isn't actually happening, the person in control is a complete illusion, it was never there.

Non-doership is now utterly obvious. Thoughts and intentions arise out of nothing, there is no doer. It's just like a dream, it just unfolds. In a dream, no effort is required whatsoever, it just unfolds within a mind that knows not what's happening. Same with this so-called Reality. It is just unfolding, there is absolutely nothing to regret, to feel guilty for, to feel proud of, life - not only death - is the great equalizer. There seems to be a deepening of this realization. Though sometimes the belief in doership arises again, and the belief in being the body-mind. It's chaos, sometimes it all feels personal, sometimes it feels totally impersonal. It's never consistent, it's constantly changing. A beautiful experience, never boring. And all resistance comes from this belief in personal doership. It arises out of nothing, just like everything else. All week there has been plenty of resistance to working on the music project. My friend has shown me the first version of the artwork, it looks quite good to me. Only the album cover is missing. And yet, there is still so much resistance to opening Studio One and working on the mixes. There is a sense of overwhelm. So I don't do it, something else gets done. And that's fine, it's exactly how it needs to be.

It's not merely that consciousness is awaking up. This is still too impersonal. You are waking up to the realization that YOU are God -- the only being in existence, who created itself. Keep hammering on this point: YOU ARE GOD! Really! You are creating yourself. Yes, of course, God is Consciousness, but it's absolutely crucial that you fully realize that YOU are God, and just some vague field of consciousness or some impersonal thing. This must be an uttetly personal realization. The ego must realize it is God. Zero distance between you, reality, and God. You have not awoken until you are completely conscious of how you create every object in your room and every creature on this planet. Are you conscious that you created the sun?

In recognition of the true self, "suffering, strife, sadness, struggle and grief" might still appear. They appear but they are perceived to be momentary. You are simply not attached to these thoughts/emotions/sensations and so they don't stick on you. You must be sad for a few moments but quickly you are crystal-clear and present and aware of your true nature. Nobody is saying that suffering, strife, sadness, struggle and grief are not beautiful, but they are only beautiful from the perspective of the truth. The one who is suffering, does not feel that his suffering is beautiful. So then, we must transcend the egoic-mind which is not able to perceive suffering as beautiful. It is only from your oneness that you can perceive the beauty of the duality. In duality you have no sense of duality, you are completely lost. You are completely identifying with the egoic-mind. In that place of suffering, there is no one to perceive it as beautiful. And that is a shame. This is a life wasted in identifying with the mind, identifying with suffering, strife, sadness, struggle and grief. The experiences themselves are not the problem, but when you (pure consciousness) identify yourself as these experiences, it is pure foolishness. Truth is not about appreciating foolishness. Someone doing "hard work" for someone else because of their attachment that they call "love" is foolishness. You must not appreciate it, because it is pure foolishness. No one must "work hard" for anything and anyone. One must only be one with their own heart. You say "parents work hard to ensure a good life for their children" but what is this other than a thought? What hard work is anyone on this planet doing? We think a lot of unnecessary crap in our mind and any activity becomes "hard work" simply because you are thinking so much. Instead of cleaning the dishes you think "there are so many dishes to clean... when will this end... why am I doing it??" and after that you'll go to your mom and say "yea mom I did so much hard work today, I cleaned up all of the dishes!" you literally did nothing but clean dishes. It is not hard work. It is only the mind saying it is hard work. You must live life effortlessly, because you are one with life. Life does not do "hard work" to be itself. There is no need for such beliefs. It is only holding you back from the ever-present truth that is consciousness itself. Be aware of being aware. You say "We like that suffering" but who is that who likes the suffering? It is the sufferer itself that in retrospect loves the suffering. In that moment it is very painful, it is very foolish to suffer in that way so absurdly. It is mad completely. Human beings are not meant to suffer and have attachments to suffering. It is very unnatural. The one who "likes" suffering is merely the mind. The mind doesn't want to let go of the suffering, because only in suffering can the mind exist. The mind, suffering can't exist in a peaceful, serene mind of the supreme self. And so it will make you believe "I love suffering" but you must not believe this thought. You do not like suffering, it is only a thought. The impersonal supreme self does not care about suffering. It wouldn't think twice about it. It is merely another phenomenon perceived within consciousness. It doesn't get attached to it and says "But I like suffering" because it doesn't give a single flying fuck about suffering, about grief, about sadness, about love, about joy, about peace, it actually is completely detached and impersonal, has absolutely no interest in anything. It simply is. And that is what you are. Be aware of being aware. When you are aware of being aware, you are successfully "just being". That is wonderful. Remain as you are. We don't do irrational things and suffer because of love, actually what you believe to be "love" is just "attachment". Replace the word "love" with attachment, because you are talking about attachment, not love. Love is universal, it is beyond duality, attachment/passion/obession are not love, and they are not greater than true happiness. I don't know what you mean by "superficial happiness", I don't think anyone is seeking that here. Currently you are attached more than you are aware of your true nature. You must be more aware of your true nature than you are attached.

If you need to ask strangers about whether you should end a relationship - yes, you need to end it. End it, and instead of wasting time on relationships with other people, have a solid relationship with yourself. I don't mean a relationship with the mind, but a relationship with the higher power. The source itself. Instead of being in a relationship with the mind (thoughts, emotions and sensations) be in a relationship with pure consciousness (your self). Be aware of being aware. The relationship you have with yourself (Your god-self) is the only relationship you actually need. That one relationship will end all other desires for any experience in life. So first find the god-self, merge with it, be one with it, love it, and then all relationships will naturally be in the vibration of god. You'll be having a god-connection with every single person you meet simply because you are aligned with god himself. You'll be like a vessel for god to manifest itself in human form. That god-self is what you truly are right now also, and the god-self has no problems, has no attachments to this world and to the mind. You simply stay in the god-self. Be aware of being aware. I recommend watching Moojiji on youtube. All your problems are coming from personal identity. If you were not personal, would you have any problems? Find out the true self, the impersonal self. That is yourself. You are the impersonal, infinite, serene, eternal and timeless self. Anything that can be perceived is not you. The mind itself is perceived, and therefore anything that comes from the mind is perceived. This whole "world" is appearing within the mind, and the mind appears within consciousness. You are that source consciousness. Delight in this knowing. Marinate in this knowing. Be that consciousness in which it all appears. Do not speak with any identity. Live as though "you" (personally) don't exist. Be aware of being aware.

No they are still quite different. Solipsism is predicated on an I, me, an ego self. Non-duality is predicated on consciousness, an infinite impersonal field. The main difference is this, solipsism claims perspectives are only one dimensional. Where non-duality states consciousness is multidimensional, expressed through many different perspectives (infinity). Infinity doesn’t exist for the solipsist. When there is no ego self there is no solipsism. Consciousness remains irrespective of an ego self. I feel you may be confusing Mind with Consciousness. Mind is the activity of consciousness.

They aren’t the same. The difference is that solipsism presumes an existence made up of one mind experienced by a single ego. Where non-duality presumes existence is impersonal but experienced through a multiplicity of minds. Solipsism doesn’t allow for the expression of mind to be expressed different to itself. Where Non-duality accounts for the multiplicity of minds that inevitably arise from it in varying expressions.

Realise awareness is impersonal, beyond all “I’s” and you will realise solipsism is a delusion. You do not require the dualism of mind to do this.

I don't exist. Everything I say is a pointer and it is impersonal. How's that elitist? And I will state my truth regardless of how you feel about me. That's the way I'm used to it. It's difficult and exhausting for me to articulate my thoughts in an impersonal manner. And English is not my original language, so it doesn't help much. Plus, a gentle touch is not always effective. Sometimes, a slap in the face of the ego can wake it up. No one knows what exactly will make it click. We're all simply giving it our best shots.

Of course, the field is impersonal. That's the point. Why would it require a person when it can exist sufficiently on its own? The person is secondary to perception. Thoughts are secondary to awareness. Objects are the creation of God.

@Someone here "you" don't exist, and neither do "I". Direct experience is not a property that is owned by a person. The person is imaginary. That's the whole point of the direct experience paradigm, is to get you to realise the imaginary nature of individual persons. If all individuals are imaginary (including yourself), and there is direct experience, then that's God; impersonal, and right in front of you. The rest is noise. Get rid of it by questioning the paradigm to death using the questions I suggested above.

This is a recontextualization. It is another room worthy of exploration, yet not the room I am pointing to. To enter this room, you would need to set down this interpretive filter. Of course this is true within this context. Yet if you limit yourself to this context, you will not be able to see, appreciate and utilize other contexts. Notice how you are creating reality right now. You have created a thing that is not OK with being human. In this story, the thing not OK with being human probably had religious brainwashing. This thing wants to transcend the laws of the universe and become a superhuman God. Yet this is just what the thing wants, the thing is fine the way it is. . . This is a very creative character you have created. This could make a good character in a book or a movie. Yet relative to my personal story and experience, it’s way off. Notice how the mind creates a story that is consistent with the view it is attached to. Notice how you are imagining this, yet perceive it as real. You are literally making it up. I never said everything was an illusion. Again, you imagined that. You created that. What I said was we can create constructs of imaginary and real. We can create distinctions and inter-connections. We can explore the imaginary in real and the realness in imagination. As well, we can deconstruct all the way down to imagination = real. For you to have this debate within your mind, you must create an opposite side to debate. Notice the mind creating opposition. You literally created a character that has the opposite view of yours that you are debating. I am not that character. As well, if a mind is contracted within realness it is helpful to point it to see illusion in realness. If a mind is contracted within illusion, it is helpful to point it to see the realness in illusion. Yet they are two sides of the same coin. Ultimately, illusion is real and real is illusion. We create distinctions. I gave an impersonal description of mind structure. You’ve added in the personal part. At a personal level, mechanisms of narrative control have various energetics which include defensiveness, blaming, avoidance, righteousness and others. You have created an idea you call “true enlightenment” and have defined this idea. This then becomes a filter of perception. for example, if we define enlightenment as “the desire to know is extinguished”, then anyone we perceive as having a desire to know will appear unenlightened and delusional. Within this context, this is true and has value. There is a contracted dynamic of seeking knowledge as “it”. However, this is only one dynamic and if this is the mind’s only filter, it will mis-interpret other dynamics through this filter. It would be like having a red filter. Red is perceived as red, which is fine. Yet blue, yellow, green will also be perceived through the red filter and mis-interpreted as red. The key is that this filter you have is not “wrong”. You don’t need to prove it right or wrong. It is right in certain contexts. The problem is that this is the only filter your are processing through and you are missing a lot. To see this, you would need to set down this filter of perception, get curious and explore. Yet you seem too attached to this filter to do so at this time. If you continue to grow and expand, you will one day look back and see how you are currently contracted.

Maha Vishnu As per the Srimad Bhagvatam Mahavishnu is a principal deity in Hinduism, known as the Absolute protector of the universe beyond human comprehension and all attributes. In Gaudiya Vaishnavism, a school of Vaisnavism, the Satvata-tantra describes three different forms, or aspects, of Mahavishnu(Karanarnavasayi Vishnu,, Garbhodaksayi Vishnu and Ksirodakasayi Vishnu. The term Mahavishnu refers to that Absolute truth Brahm(a) or Brahman (impersonal invisible aspect) then as Paramatma (Aspect beyond the understanding of human soul) and finally as Sarvatma(incarnating for bringing perfection). So bhakti (loving devotion) goes to Sarvatman(Krishna or Rama avatars or incarnations of Vishnu, Narayana bringing both peace and perfection of the living beings). In this way, bhakti surpasses even yoga, which is aimed at the Supersoul, Paramatman. Mahavishnu is the Supersoul of all living beings (jivaatmas) in all material universes. Karanodaksayi Vishnu is understood to be Sankarsana(form) of the Catur-vyuha of Narayana. It is also often used interchangeably with Vishnu to indicate reverence, as the prefix "Maha" in vishnu indicates the greatness and the vastness of Narayan. So all the Gods including Purusha form like Shiva, Brahma are considered as the Part of Maha Vishnu Expansion. Mahavishnu is said to lie in the Causal Ocean or the Karanodak. He puts the seed of this material universe in Mahamaya by glancing at her. Mahamaya remains the ever obedient material energy of the Supreme Lord. All the natural elements including sky, fire, water, air and land are created along with mind, intelligence and false ego. After this, Mahavishnu enters each of the many universes so created (seeds emerging from the pores of His skin) as Garbhodaksayi Vishnu, who lays down in each and every of these individual material universes (Brahmandas). It can be interpreted that Garbodakshayi Vishnu is the collective soul of all souls in a particular material universe and that Mahavishnu is the collective soul of all souls in all of the material universes. From Garbhodaksayi Vishnu then emerges Brahma who is the secondary creator (due to his need to meditate to create planets in the material universe) of the planetary systems within particularly this material universe (Brahmanda).

You simply interpret neutral impersonal loving energy as "sexual arousal". No, simply intense energy of the presence appears, and you feel that, and it may cause the mind to interpret it as "sexual arousal" based on your conditioning. None of that is happening. It is merely energy appearing in a certain form. You are that which is perceiving the energy, you are that presence for whom this "sexual arousal" thought is appearing. Even that presence itself is perceivable. Be aware of being aware.

Hello everyone, open for discussion and questions The ego isn't bad, it is not something to be "pushed aside" because that is just a waste of time. It is not our job to interact with the ego at all. This is not life. Life is independent from ego. Ego is an extremely small box life puts itself in, unconsciously. Ego is when you identify with some thought, emotion or sensation about yourself, and believe yourself to be that appearing thought, emotion or sensation. The ego is not always there. In sleep there is no ego, but there is awareness/consciousness (while dreaming, while in deep sleep), ego is not there when you wake up first thing in the morning, it takes checking the phone or some interaction usually to boot it, or if you are very identified in daily life then it will appear first thing in the morning, but in deep sleep there was no ego. That is why we all love sleep, because there is no ego there, total rest. Ego is personality, whatever you believe yourself to be as a personality is ego. You believe you are great, that is ego. You believe you are worthless, that is ego. Ego is just the psychological-mind that needs to be set free for the soul to flourish and be what it was truly meant to be here on earth, free, pure, joyful, loving, compassionate and peaceful, being wonderful and divine. The ego must be transcended for the soul to shine and for the soul to radiate the infiniteness of one's-self, if the ego is not transcended, you are in an extremely limited box, unaware of life completely, stuck in your own mind and helping the suffering to manifest and appear. Unconsciously that is what most souls do, simply because they are conditioned to do so. The ego does not actually exist, it is merely a thought believed in. There is absolutely nothing there, no substance, no meaning, nothing. It literally exists only as a thought, and that isn't really existence. It is not living, it is not alive, what makes any thought appear to be alive and "real" is only when you (consciousness, the true aliveness) identify yourself with a thought, and therefore that thought borrows your energy (consciousness's energy) and appears to be real and powerful, but that is only because yourself has given the thought/emotion/sensation the power. Without you supplying power to ego/thoughts/emotions/sensations they naturally dissolve into the infinite silence and emptiness of being. The habit currently is to be identified with ego, thoughts, emotions and sensations. The "goal" is to reclaim our true nature, our buddha-nature by simply being aware of the awareness that is ever-present. By being aware of the awareness, it means we are perceiving from our true place, and we are perceiving that which is true (awareness). When you stay in the place of perceiving the perceiving itself, you are calm, serene, peaceful, joyful, compassionate, loving, beyond fear, doubt, anxiety, you are in a timeless space, you are home, you are one with the universe. The "goal" is to stabilize yourself in the knowing that you are that. To not feed anything with your attention other than awareness itself. That is living meditation, enlightenment, by being that which you truly are, you are radiating infinite impersonal love, presence, joy, peace, compassion, freedom. Naturally in this state the whole universe conspires for you and life becomes blissful externally just as much as it is blissful internally. First you realize yourself internally, and then naturally the realization follows and appears in the external. You did not change, you simply have discovered your true nature, and rest in that, instead of chasing useless thoughts, emotions and sensations. By being what you truly are, unconditioned and pure, you are an infinite blessing to the whole universe, to yourself, to your family, to the birds, to the fishes, to the trees, to anything that is, you are a blessing. Every single thing will appear to flourish in your presence, naturally, effortlessly, simply because you have reclaimed your own true buddha-nature. Thank you.

I think a found a potential solution to the dilemma of free will. From the perspective of the body-mind and/or separate self, free will is an illusion. This is the relative or personal view. However, from the perspective of the One Absolute Consciousness (this is what we truly are at our most fundamental core), which is primarily impersonal to the body-mind, we have total freedom or free will. It’s just that this freedom does not belong to any individual, separate ego. In other words, Consciousness is and has always been in control. Feel free to tell me what you think of this.

Nisargadatta Maharaj It is a very complicated riddle. You have to discard whatever you know, whatever you have read, and have a firm conviction about That about which nobody knows anything. You can't get any information about That, and about That you must have firm conviction. How difficult it is. Nisargadatta Maharaj Needing nothing, I am unafraid. Whom to be afraid of? There is no separation, we are not separate selves. There is only one Self, the Supreme Reality, in which the personal and the impersonal are one. Nisargadatta Maharaj It is in the nature of desire to prompt the mind to create a world for its fulfilment. Even a small desire can start a long line of action; what about a strong desire? Desire can produce a universe; its powers are miraculous.

@samedm9 Wow, sounds fantastic! I am glad this happened to you and your brother and that you are solidly aware of this phenomenon now. They can be great spiritual guides too, as they are able to do things beyond our comprehension. Personally i think you have been contacted and guided telepathically by one of the advanced and benevolent E:T. species. It could be the SSP ( secret space program) people, but i doubt if they can produce any spiritual phenomenon to other beings . I think the impersonal divine self authorized and allowed it to happen to you. One reason is the awakening happening, as there are plenty cosmic energies hitting the planet. As with that, disclosure of our cosmic neighborhood will happen and humanity needs to be prepared for it. So they are showing up for those who are ready in order to prepare the collective consciousnesses. As we are all interconnected, your and your brother experience is added to the whole, and when enough contacts have happened and the threshold is overrun, then they will appear to us all. You or/and your brother could have a pre-birth agreement with them but are not aware of it, cause it would take years to remember. See if anything more happens in the future, anything unusual, as i do not think this would be the first and last time. It is just my opinion but still, be more vigilant in case. Edit: sorry man, got overcreative, just skip rambling written above. In the saying "something moving at a constant rate, that was the same size as the apparent size of stars in the night sky. (I now see this phenomena often). " Was it lit like a star and moved as slowly like a plane? It can be a plane, satellite or a "ufo cruising around". The only way i know it is from a E.T. is that it ignites itself and or blinks with its light in the sky and manifest white astral looking stripes around my body. These stripes mean by the mediums as "the angels are with you" and probably they are in a sense angels too. Did you see any ignition or blink? Have you seen more of it? Logan Paul did have a experience that look precisely what i am trying to explain and have seen. Although i am not saying it is a E.T. but he had talked with Steven Greer on the CE5 topic before, so it could be . (put down the volume, it is loud) And Did the craft look anything like this? (photo from a website of a pleiadian contactee)

Wednesday April 29th, 22:10 So today I've received my long-awaited package that I ordered about a month ago or so. This was in fact such an inflatable sex doll. At first, the prospect was that it would be delivered between April 9th and April 16th. When it then still wasn't in on April 17th, it said it now was expected between April 17th and April 20th. But even on April 21nd, there was still nothing there. I had contacted the sender 4-5 days ago to ask if he perhaps knew what was going on with the package. I was aware that there were severe delays due to the fact that the pandemic was delaying everything, but I had no indications that anything was still going to come at all. The sender told me yesterday that the package was on its way and showed me proof of the tracking details that he had. Now I got it today. It turned out to be just a miserable scam. The product does not remotely look like the picture. It is inflatable, but it is a thin plastic layer except for the hands, feet and head, whch is indeed a thicker form of silicone material. I expected the material for everything to be a ot thicker, even though it would remain inflatable; The pictures would have suggested that. And you know what the worst part is? IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING HOLE! It's funny how "A fucking hole" is both an expression of anger and a truth in literal sense So yeah. It was basically a scam. Totally not the kind of product that the pictures were suggesting. This is what you get when you buy a (relatively) cheap product from amazon that has a chinese external seller. I can blame nobody but myself. But I at least found out how reliable such a purchase actually was having only spent 80€ on it. I will see if it's possible to get a refund. I have no idea how easy it is to get a refund, actually. I was going to use this product as a means to measure how much I would like it, and if therefore by my 'testing' I would come to the conclusion that it would be worth spending a whole lot more money on a much more expensive non-inflatable and lifelike doll. Now that the situation has changed, I have done some thinking. Even though it will be an expensive purchase, I think it's going to be worth the buy. (we're looking at around 1000€ or a bit less, if I don't buy it for cheaper from the dutch version of amazon (not amazon.nl but another website), we'll get to that topic later) Why is it going to be worth the buy? Well, I really don't feel like I'm ready an actual relationship in which sex will happen. I don't feel like I'm really ready for a relationship to begin with, but as far as the sexual act is concerned, I also lack sexual maturity. I don't really want to make any girlfriend an object for my desire for training. To be confronting another human being in the sexual act is way too overwhelming in some way to stay not only grounded and relaxed, but also connected. I feel way too awkward, I don't want to make eye contact, I tend to ejaculate rather quickly or otherwise not be able to get it fully erect. It feels way too intimidating. I had thought about prostitutes and I have had experience with a few prostitutes before, but there I generally encounter the same problem as just described. Some idea I did have was to perhaps request to a prostitute to make love in the dark. In that way, the idea is that it gets much more sensual and instinctive. It would make it easier for me I reckon because I don't have to make eye contact, which I still always find quite awkward and uncomfortable (not only in the sexual act but in general). I have also been going to a couple of sex clubs, as I imagined that the impersonal nature of those clubs would make it easier to "just bust a nut". of course, I am not merely interested in the point of ejaculation itself, but I simply am curious about sexuality and I want to grow in this area and explore it, to explore myself sexually. But to be really making a deep connection with someone feels as of right now too intense for me which I why I seek a more impersonal atmosphere which is more based on instincts and desire rather than actual connection. Yes I know that may be superficial, but to be getting that connection is simply too much for me to handle as of right now. I don't really mind exploring superficially so much, as long as I simply get to explore and by exploring get to grow. And now especially that this sexual coaching therapy or whatever it may called doesn't really seem to be working out so well (I'll possibly talk more about this a later time), and now that any group courses on sexuality also are not continuing, the best idea I have right now that provides me with the best opportunity to grow sexually is to indeed buy such a lifelike love doll, in which I can practice in many ways what it would be like to have sex with another woman, without actually feeling a responsibility towards her to be a good sexual partner, or to not ejaculate too quickly or whatever. On the very long term, it might actually save me money if I become rather satisfied with it. Because therefore, I don't expect that I won't visit prostitutes/sex clubs that often anymore, which of course will cost you a bit (not that I now visit them often. We're talking about 3 times a year or so). By the way, sex clubs are also usually unsatisfying because I always find it uncomfortable to approach and there is always such a weird, lustful energy around there where guys are checking the different rooms to see if any action is going on. And when I find myself doing that aswell, I have to stop myself and literally find a place to sit somewhere and meditate in the middle of the club in order to ground myself (well actually somewhere on a bench somewhere on the side but still). It has happened like that multiple times I wish it would just be a lot easier for me to connect with other people, talking about women in a sexual relationship in particular, but I just don't seem to be able to that. I've tried many things over the years. This seems to be one of my most deep-rooted issues. A sex doll in that regard seems perfect. The best thing is that I neither have to pay money for every time that I want to practice or explore sexually, nor I have to face the discomfort of facing another human being. I want to be able to explore myself sexually, but I don't want all the awkwardness, the sense of responsibility towards her to be a good sexual partner, and for her to feel that my primary interest isn't so much for her but for her body. I'm not indifferent towards her, but the being that she is is just not what I'm there for, you see? With a sex doll I can quite literally make someone/something an "object of desire" without feeling ashamed for the fact that my primary intent is not so much for her as a being, but her as an object. Still, as an object there can be a lot of play and exploration, I so reckon. An object can be very attractive and desired. I don't feel ashamed for the fact that I sometimes seek out only objects in my sexual desire, as I feel that that's part of life too. but in an actual encounter with a human being, I don't want to be that person who only/primarily cares about that. With a sex doll I can play, learn different positions, pretend like I'm dealing with an actual person, talk like her/it like it's an actual person. I can see that working out really well for me. I can see it having potential for a lot of pleasure and practice. With situations like this there is often this feeling of... pity for the fact that I did not arrange for me to have a sex doll much earlier. Now it's not so bad anymore, but in the past it was quite often that I felt remorse or sadness for 'what could have been'. I never really felt so bad of what could have been for anything that happened to me that was based on chance or circumstances I had little to no control over. but in situations like this, where I could have had a sex doll for many years now, there is this feeling of pity and perhaps a little bit of guilt of 'what I could have done' and therefore 'what could have been'. Because it seems like that if I had this sex doll much earlier, I would have been able to start practicing a lot much earlier, explore a lot a lot earlier, grow myself sexually a lot earlier, have a lot of enjoyment from it a lot earlier, and that I now would be much further on my progression of sexual healing. That is what it seems like. I don't like that kind of logic because it makes me feel uncomfortable, but it does appear to be true. But when I say that it appears to be true, it's not to say that it's actually true. I also know that reality is very complex, and that beyond the complexity we can come to comprehend with our minds, there is always still potential for things to be even more complex which our minds can not (yet) comprehend. I know there's always counterarguments to be found in everything. But whatever the case may be, even if this situation happened to be 'disadvantegeous' to my growth process, even if I have actually missed out, encountered more frustration than necessary, screwed up, encountered a situation that was more "bad" than "good", even with all of that, I know that there is simply no point in holding onto the past, feeling all this regret and sorrow for what could have been, what I could have done differently, what could have been differently. And actually, I have gotten a lot better at letting that go. In the past, not so much. Things like these could really bother me and I would try to logically convince myself that there are counterarguments and other perspectives as to why something doesn't necessarily have to be a bad situation, or that I would have made bad decisions which would have slowed down both my growth and diminished the enjoyment in my life. But now, I am simply able to let go of all of that much more easily. Don't ask me why; I just am able to. I just can't be bothered anymore, I guess that's what it is. I just can't be bothered anymore blaming myself or feeling guilty or feeling sorrow for what I could have done or what could have been. Whether something was good or bad, or whether in reality there is no such thing as good and bad and that every bad has its good inherentely in it, whatever may be the case, I just can't be asked to think about it anymore and I just move on with my life. I honestly just can not be asked. Right, so I a couple of options. I could buy a relatively cheap yet seemingly tall doll of decent quality from the #1 national merching platform (I don't know what the official name of such a thing is) here in the Netherland, which will cost me 550€. The sketchy thing however is that the company that is selling these products have literally 0 reviews, which is very suspicious. I'm actually thinking about buying from a website specialized in these sex dolls. It will be a bit more expensive (800 - 1000€), but there a couple of reasons why I think that is a good idea. Shipping times for the orders I would buy from the merching platform would due to the pandemic probably be very delayed. The package deliverers are probably already very busy, so it wouldn't help them either. Buying from a specialized company wll probably make this a lot quicker Not only will it make it quicker, I will potentially also have the option to personally come collect my product instead of this big, heavy thing being delivered to my front door where also my parents happen to live (to be fair there's going to be a package around it so the contents will not be seen directly, but still) Actually, shipping costs from specialized sites are also often very minimal if not free as opposed to merching platforms (whether I pick it up or get it delivered, I save myself the shipping costs either way) It's much easier for me to check whether I'm going to get a reliable product. With specialized sites and companies, you can do some checks on the website through formal means (you can check the url, you can look up how long the website has been around for, you can see if they have been reported to authorities as scam etc...), with an external seller through a merching platform, you can't really do that effectively and reliably. These external sellers on these big platforms aren't as reliable, I have discovered today. If it seems to be too good to be true, it often is. It's important to me to stimulate smaller companies and give all my money to the big guys who already earn enough money, making the world even more imbalanced. It's economically and morally a better decision (I'd say this and the reason for reliability are the most important reasons) I have the money right now. I have been receiving a lot of overdue social welfare benefits some time ago, and I also will keep on receiving money from it in the months to come. i don't really have to worry about getting into financial trouble anytime soon I honestly don't deserve to get as much money as I do, especially in these times. I can however morally justify it by the argument that I'm not wasting it on nonsense and superficiality such as alcohol, drugs, partying, and so forth... (no I don't think this sex doll is superficial. I think it's actually quite important to my growth (well, might be)). I'm also investing it a lot on my personal growth, and I'm making very conscious decisions to which (small) businesses and companies I am going to give it, stimulating the economies I deem to be most benificial to the growth and awakening of humanity. I actually always take care whatever I put my money into. I'm actually an extremely frugal person. i quite honestly think buying overpriced commercialized products such as Apple is ridiculous. I have hole in my shoes and they are very worn out but they still walk fine so I use them. I never really want to throw anything away that I perhaps still might need. I like to buy many, many things second-hand. I always seek out the cheapest places to stay with airbnb and such, sometimes staying for a week because there's a slight weekly discount. I look for the cheapest flights. One time last summer I even put on all the clothes I had in my bag (many layers) whilst in the waiting line to get in the airplane so I could meet the criteria of only being able to take one bag/suitcase of such and such size. Some time ago I spent almost like an hour searching the best kind of internet cable I wanted for the cheapest price possible, literally taking an hour or so comparing all the options that were available, even though we're only talking about price differences of a couple of euros at most. I'm one of the most frugal, prudent, economical, meticulous people you'll ever come to meet. I'm not joking about that . It's funny how I notice a strange kind of pleasure and satisfaction by identifying myself as this kind of person, this frugal, meticulous person. I know it isn't very spiritual to get this sense of egoic pleasure out of this, but I am just gonna go ahead and not give a crap right now and just enjoy the egoic high . Proabbly gonna have to pay for this later, though. My feeling is that sometimes you just want to allow yourself to enjoy yourself with things that are 'unspiritual' or 'impure' because life is about living and enjoying these things too. I always look for actions and discounts wherever I go. I have multiple times picked up something from the street because I thought it might come in handy. I will very often argue with my mother or parents to not throw something away (being it food or items) that might still be used in the future. I tend to have a tendency for hoarding (although I am capable of throwing something away if I must), I tend to mourn very quickly about items that I've come to lose that still were perfectly good to use, I secretly think people who buy unnecessary, commercialized products like coca-cola instead of its cheap imitator or a brand new bike instead of a perfectly good one from a second-hand marketplace, or products from Apple whilst there are companies that sell products for half the price that do the same things, I think that people who buy things like that, are absolute idiots. Sorry if I offended you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I think even if I would win the lottery right now of 100 million euros I would still not buy anything that is more expensive than its cheaper counterpart with the same functionality. I would still not buy ever, EVER, EVER, EVER the official coca-cola brand bottle but always its cheaper imitating counterpart brand, because in my experience, the taste is the same (but maybe I don't have a good tongue idk. Even then the difference in price is too big of an hurdle for me to buy the actual coca-cola) The exceptions that I'm from now on going to make however is that by the knowlegde that I am part of a larger whole and that its not always about me and my finances, I am also going to look out for ways I can use my money to stimulate people, companies and economies which I want to invest in and of which I feel that they really contribute to the conscious evolution of humanity at large. in that case, I am willing to spend a little bit more money from now on. And actually, as far as it comes to investing in my personal growth is concerned, I am actually not that frugal. I actually can and have spent quite a lot on many different courses and workshops that I found important. Actually, I wouldn't say so much that I necessarily am a stingy and miserly. I just use my money very thoughtfully and meticulously. I don't want to spend a single more euro on things I don't find that important so that I will have more money to spend on things I do find important. I'm just very thoughtful and cautious. But at the same time you can't stop me from spending a lot of money on a certain course or workshop that I personally find really important. I also like how I was able to write for 2 hours this time without at some point feeling like I got energetically congested and therefore needed to retreat. That normally doesn't happen. And I still feel like I could write some more, were it not for the fact that I'm now out of things to say for the moment. I do know that even though I may like this, that there is a danger in getting too happy about the fact that I was able to do this, because this will create attachment, and this attachment will create suffering whenever I come to another point where once again I am not able to finish all that I wanted to write about because I get too energetically congested. So even though I want to be happy about the fact that I have written so long (and I have quite enjoyed it. I really did enjoy all this writing for quite a lot ), I still will just forget about it and move on.

A short question Few years back i had a short experience of being ejected out of my body in which circumstances i wish not to mention. On the experience i learned that leaving my body was the lightest possible thing that can happen in universe. The ejection felt lighter than a feather ,natural and celestial. I looked back at my body and it appeared as just a bundle of impersonal atoms for me, The body had a very low vibratory grey like vibe to my physical appearance as I was not there to uphold the light for it . Would describe my awareness state being "normally" 50-70% my potentiality while in the ejected state was 100%, i was complete. It felt my senses were felt as ONE without any separation, Hearing, sight and probably smell were interconnected. The weirdest part is, that i could see without any physical eyes. This amuses me the most. Why do i need the eyes for and other sense organs if i could see and more clearly so than i ever could? And why do we loose eyesight if the retina gets damaged when the sight is in/the consciousnesses? The structured of this reality wonders me. With this experience in the background. I intuitively know that i am not this body but it is my body. However i still feel identified with it as "me", and lot of survival fear is surrounded by this attachment. A ejection was not enough to convince this something that i am not it.

@Anton Rogachevski yes there is consciousness without awareness words are mere pointers and it is tricky yes b cuz we use the terms interchangeably however in reality consciousness is equal to nothing or emptiness or formlessness or creator as well as everything or reality or form or creation and everything in between. i prefer the terms being or infinity or dream or truth awareness on the other hand means the ability to identify or recognize these things by reflecting ie creating mental images or contrasts or distinctions and of course it has infinite degrees and depths since consciousness is infinite. awareness can be either infinite like a god state or non existent like a rock or a dead body or anything in between like a human being or a frog or a tree or a microbe or a living cell so in other words awareness is the mind or the ego or the smaller self another way to state it is that consciousness is impersonal and awareness is personal

That would be a possible theory if there was any proof for God's existence. But there isnt any. But even IF, God was real, there wouldn't be no proof that God is more real than other Gods, and no proof God could be "bored", if God really had at least "billion IQ" intelligence (since infinity is a fallacy), or higher wisdom. God would absolutely know how to cure boredness himself, God wouldnt have to CREATE beings. I say CREATE, because 'imagining' is one thing, CREATING and physically existing, is another. Just like Picasso imagined his paintings. But paintings didnt create itself, Picasso had to create the painting (of course this has nothing to do with creation, consciousness, matter, light, life, planets, God, entities, etc,whatsoever) But applying that creating vs imagining understanding to it,..God (if existed), would have created beings then he Himself or "itself" (if it's an impersonal God spirit), could die LIKE PICASSO. And the beings he created (nothing to do with paintings btw, real beings with their own consciousness) painting would be a subset of what creation means, by art. So first beings created by God. remain, creating other beings. Before dying, like the first god who died. And humanity start being created. So. By this analogy, there is no God anymore. God is DEAD, IN FACT, "God" (if existed), has been loooong dead since the beginning of beginning. And we are all results of the first beings (first beings on earth, first ancestors of first humans) created by the first entity, God, which is dead. So, TRUTH = GOD IS DEAD. We exist by results of a bunch of other spirits and then born by codes in life. Your consciousness is limited by you and no other consciousness can be equal to yours once you born, your spirit has the potential to be immortal. But that if this monotheist God even existed. There is no proof for ANY god whatsoever. In fact, it would made more sense if the first god was a man and there was a goddess too. So beings could have been created out of it. And each being differently. Other gods could have created other beings. Racial differences. Etc. Dna, codes. Etc Which is why your body (unique to yourself, your DNA and code, which differ from others) exists independent of any beings and consciousness is something you as an unity of spirity possess. aalso, the body is a morror of the soul, more like a reflection of the soul. anyones body is a reflection of their soul, also a reflection of what they eat. Based on their soul, stress, etc. http://swatura-anamcara.blogspot.com/2011/03/body-as-mirror-of-soul.html?m=1 The whole panentheist notion of "bE oNe WiTh MaTtEr" religiously followed by some gnostic members here (which is just physicalism, monism disguised as "spirituality") is all false. Matter has nothing to do with you. That's the first step to raw spirituality, you want to "become" everything, as a "holy grail" but you have no f idea what it is to "become everything", no definition for it, youre just a person typing these things on a forum. Things that have zero sense whatsoever. By that I mean, meditating and imagining isnt becoming. Youre still an individual, apart from the whole (and there is not even a "whole" or a "all", none of it. Just like your soul is not connected and doesnt need matter. Ultimately youre not even connected to your mother, ultimately shes a totally distinct being from you. Ultimately youre not even connected to your mother. When youre making sex with a stranger, youre not making sex with some being that was somehow related to your ancestors. NO, ultimately youre making sex with a never seen, never touched, distinct being. Who you never knew existed. Because it never existed before its bIrth. Ultimately, a stranger is not even likely same as your ancestors. When you're making sex with another being/person/soul/their Higher self. Ultimately by touching its body youre touching the essence of their soul. Thats why Lady Gaga said she doesnt have sex with anyone because she feels people steal her creativity when making sex with her. Sex should be treated way more divine than it already is. Thats why we hide our bodies with clothes. And christian gnostics dont even kiss if not with the right person after long time, maybe after marriage. This Truth is the opposite of common BS you hear these days. it's whats hidings behind everyones noses. Off topic, Someone asked me about infinity parallel universes and other versions of you, Ultimately not even if parallel universes were true and an another version of you appeared just like you. Same self same everything. If you made sex with that other version of you. Ultimately you would not be making sex with yourself. According to the theory, once states are splitted that other person is not you. Was never you. Just a copy of you. Thats just something unrelated by that I needed to point out.

Notice how the mental filter is creating. The mind added in the “I” part to an impersonal observation. The mind is super sneaky in this regard. The observation was not attached to a personal “you”. The mind added in the “me” part. This add-in contextualizes personal meaning which shapes perception. A statement about how a mind can be immersed in beliefs becomes contextualized as “he says that my mind is identified with beliefs. *I* am not identified with beliefs at all”. This is personal contextualization within a consciousness realm. There is nothing wrong with that, yet the mind will not be able to realize transpersonal pointers when immersed in inter-personal dynamics. This is reflective of the personal realm created. Notice how the mind is creating this reality of whether “he” actually knows if “I” am attached to these beliefs or facts. At a personal level, this is irrelevant to me. It’s as if you asked me if an imaginary being called “grekdes” knows if his pet squirrel “wevcxit” is hungry. What is being pointed to doesn’t seem to be resonating with you. You seem to desire to engage within an area I don’t have much interest. I wish you good day.

The mind is creating an entity called “Serotoninluv” and a story in which this entity is either claiming “I” am identified with content or this entity has been triggered into a defense mechanism. This is an internal conversation and debate of the mind. There is no difference if these mental dynamics are arising in “my” mind or “your” mind. These are simply mental dynamics with no owner. If we imagine two separate personal owners of minds (“me” and “you”), I cannot answer the question for you because you are creating your reality. Any answer I give you would go through your interpretive filter. This is at a surface level. The deeper level removes this interpersonal filter and allows space such that an answer of insight may arise. Notice how the mind tends to interpret impersonal observations as personal. This will block a mind from observing the transpersonal pointers. This is intuitively obvious: how can a mind observe trans-personally while it is personalizing as it’s own personal identity?. . . . An aspect of transcendence is letting go of the tendency of personalization. This allows space for exploration and creativity. It is a form of liberation.

It doesn't really matter if you're an avatar or not at that stage. If you're an avatar, great. If you did mahasamadhi great. But if mahasamadhi is the way for you, enlightenment means you accept that and allow it. You've got absolutely no stakes in the game of life. If you would like to call god's will impersonal desires, thats good. But at that stage, there is no desiring, because there's no sense of ego or self. And God doesn't desire, God just does. That's the way of the will. The will manifests so fast that there's no time for the desire to set in. God's already doing what he wants before you've realized. There are lots of things that we do because of interpretations of reality. These interpretations are ego. Ego isnt just sense of self, its all of maya. Its the physical universe itself. You need to be careful thinking enlightenment is just realizing oneness. It goes well beyond that, every sounds, sight and smell has to be recontextualized from a non human standpoint. You can't see food as something you need to eat otherwise you will die. Because you're not a human. You need to recontextualize what food is. You can't see your family or sex the same way aswell. Many spiritual teachers like mooji have sex scandals even though they are apparently enlightened. You don't normally do this with a new recontextualization. But you could id there is still ego lingering around. I've personally done the work to recontextualize food, and through inquiry work stripped away its meaning so its just raw sensations. Eating happens spontaneously and just by allowing consciousness to flow. You really need to do this for everything to fully relieve all suffering. And this is why celibacy and living as a monk has its strong points, because every time an unenlightened person has sex(for pleasure) eats(for pleasure), etc. They reinforce those old, human contextualizations and meanings of being a human, and ego. Every time you have an urge or craving, you need to question it severely and strip away its meaning, or recontextualize it. You don't really do this by binge eating or by having sex IME. For people who are enlightened, it doesnt matter either way, there's no skin in the game for them.