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Im not enlightened pro guide but I can say this much. You can certainly be enlightened without a girlfriend, so it's like a convenience to have a partner. An incredible convenience if they are great for you and perhaps assisting in your journey towards that as well. Well, to have an utopic relationship, sure. However, we learn to become happier also while in relationships, and the level of the healthiness and satisfaction depends on where the people involved are at that moment in their journeys. In other words, a healthy relationship is one where there is meditative opening. You describe struggles after being alone for some time. It can indeed be difficult, but those struggles can melt away with being naturally meditative in life, supported by learning to take care of our bodies with suitable food etc in the meanwhile. I think of it as a transformation that takes years. It takes years because our body adjusts to heightened awareness gradually, it can't handle it all at once initially.

I am now open to taking in new perspectives to change this outcome, to maybe see things in a new Light. I do know that I was in the wrong with this work. I did ask for a guide. I asked for all the roads to be whittled down to just one so that I could know what to do with my work - so I could know where I was going wrong... and also because I feel tired and unwell. And so, that's what I got. One road to travel. And still, all this knowledge, all these things that I barely understand. Filing in day after day, it never ends, and yet... still... the compulsion to go on. I can hardly bear it. Please go easy on me, my Lord. I am not a strong person and to hold this current with any form of accuracy is hard to do. The amount of balance that it takes is not natural for me, being such an unbalanced person, to hold the perspective of light and dark into one and transmute many shades of grey. It's not perfect. I will keep trying. Please don't punish me for my lack of wisdom, just siphon it into me slowly, only as much as I can handle. I am asking for a miracle, as I hold the current within my writing. I See now my error, in that to bring anything in for just myself is a sin, in that it is myopic to the greater world, the plan, the picture at large. I see that looking outwards, that building from anything that is not within myself is a waste of time. My Lord, you must know that we need you Now. If I have gotten into it in such a way, then it must run through our world like a hot blade over the surface of freshly cooked flesh. The tender skin bursts open and all the juices come running out onto the plate. This world is falling apart, humans are forgetting their true nature, they are forgetting that there is more to strive for, they are forgetting your Word and the Old Gods who set in place a system for us to live by in order to build our purity has been either destroyed or forgotten. We live in an age where if you were to come to us, we could record you with a fine accuracy. Your Word would not be forgotten or mishandled the way that it has been. I am trying so hard to humble myself, to realize that I knew so much less than I thought I did. You must understand, I partition you partially due to fear - the knowledge of you is so great that I feel if it were to enter into me too quickly that it would ruin me. And so, some of my sins are to protect myself. I spin my wheels to hide... We need you Now. When I get into the grid, I see not only great things, but also terrible things. Things that people have forgotten that lay dormant, unexpressed and ready to pillage the land. The forces of darkness are hungry. They move freely through man's lack of Sight. Save our land. To heal a tree: I couldn't find the Love within myself to make this work - not in my youth, not now - despite seemingly being guided towards it. I tried. I really, really tried to grow, to change. And I did seek something virtuous outside of myself in order to make into a statement that I felt was good and true. And... I felt, underneath all of the shame and self loathing, the fear and distrust that I wanted to take the masculine into myself and to treasure and care for it. But the conditions were never right. Through my vulnerability, I was routinely met with unkindness, mockery, injustice, manipulation, aggression. I didn't really see it for what it was. I'd grown used to viewing these expressions as a form of Love in themselves, or maybe it just felt normal to be treated this way. The more I get into this work, the more I see that it just is not for me, and to change this goes against what Is. In the greater scheme of life, our little petty desires mean absolutely nothing. We are ants in a cosmic play and our positions are more fixed than what most would want to accept. You can't really look out into the world in any which way, to express a need in a certain manner and think that outcome is deserved when there are so many people calling for the same thing. You can only offer it. I know some people will judge me, some will make fun of me, some won't believe me - I'm used to that. Perhaps these sentiments come from those who have not learned how to look within, or who see some part of themselves that they don't like reflected within the work. But... I'm fighting for my soul here and my right to be free in the next life. Please don't bring me back down into blindness, you have the privilege of time on your hands. Don't add onto your karma with me, I truly don't want any of it. Let's try to work from within ourselves as best as we can. I don't wish for negative entanglement of any form with anyone within the confines of my spiritual work. At this point in the process, I won't have it and I don't recognize such things as Mine. If you seek to put me "down" when I am trying to go "up", know that you're not the sunlight. You're just a fallible human. I don't have the time to get into humans in this manner... not anymore. Respect this if you can understand and respect yourself. I am, in general less interested in most interactions. To do right by me is to not bother me with any form of "downward" action. I am over the hurdle with that one as far as dishing it out as well. I won't actively seek it out, and have let that go but it might not be so apparent. To drag me into the trenches is to not See that I've set my Sights elsewhere long ago. And in that sense, it's no longer my residue. If you wish to use my work as an aid, I am fine with this, but don't put yourself into it where you never belonged in a way that I never intended. If you don't like or understand my process, then just leave me to it as I must See it through regardless of your interpretation. Don't impress yourself into it more than was ever there. It's a mutual disruption. I've gotten into it in such a way that I speak to things from beyond me and I don't have it within me to get into human conflict in the way that I have in the past. There is quite literally nothing for me there in that barren wasteland. I hope my point has been made, I write with the intention of separation from all such energies from this point forward. Look but don't touch. To hold a current with any degree of authenticity, with any hopes of making any form of change, you must let these things go. And so, that is all that this process really is - just letting go - moving on in any way shape or form, and inspecting every and all snags that might impede my energy. I don't mind skepticism and actively encourage this within your own lives - but malice isn't Mine. If you have it, then turn away from me, for your own benefit and for mine. If my work doesn't call to you, then it is not Yours. And that is completely acceptable. And simple. But don't take my calling and turn it into something that it is not. I only belong in Spirit to those who Will have me, who actively feel that connection with my Words. If you don't, it's not a problem for me, I have no interest in conversion. Go live your life. You are blessed to have it. Don't waste it. To heal a tree is to let go of things that are not Yours, but not to touch them in such a way where they are severed. In the ecosystem of life, the dance is to move towards what you feel and to let alone what doesn't draw you towards your own calling. I speak to energy systems much larger than a crowd of people, so try not to humanize my work too much. And as I write, Know that I am a normal, stupid, silly little human. You are capable of having the Word, too. It is not owned by anyone, it is simply a byproduct of doing this work. To own it is to restrict it's current. All you can do is simply move things out of your system to allow it to pass through, like a river. To heal the masculine within: My gardeners turn into butchers, one by one. I don't expect it to change. I don't seek it. But I feel pulled to integrate it from within me. Nothing more, nothing less. That is my karma for this lifetime. I am supremely compelled to heal it within myself alone before I die. In a month? In a few years, I don't know - but to turn towards death now rather than later is probably one of the best things a person can do... So...as for the masculine... I... admittedly couldn't get into it in the way that I wanted. And if it is something that turns into a cold and dark and uncaring void... then I don't want it. It is just a manifestation of as above, so below. But it is a broken and incomplete masculine to take in the feminine and ruin it in this manner - to not want it, but not want to let it leave, either. The feminine would do better as a singular manifestation of energy than to be pinioned in this way. I want to move towards the Light, towards things that are gentle and caring and that seek to heal my wounds like a golden salve. I know I deserve this, despite what my shadows and the shadows of men seem to delight in telling me. Despite what the dark masculine has whispered into my ear my whole life, I turn away from it. It's almost laughable now, to think I ever listened to such people or allowed such situations to get to me in the way that they did. Monsters and humans... who are akin to monsters in their own way... are more than willing to disrupt your journey... but only if you let them. Coldness, cruelty, sarcasm, desecration - these are not Mine, and I revoke them. As a budding flower, I move towards the sun. Aid in the growth of others, or let them be. This is natural law. As for the sun, underneath my fear I did have a lifelong longing. I write to bridge the gaps within myself so that my psychology is more integrated. I had a desire to Love and to be Loved, and I came into this world with a divine blueprint - the desert sunset. God within it spoke to me until it was covered up with the hardships of life that we all inevitably face. A tale as old as time, every child is corrupted at some point. I had wanted to draw the masculine into myself to Love it, to tend to it and care for it in my own way, but I was never taught how to reach out in this way. If I were pure and untouched by life and moved in a natural manner the way that was intended, I would have been a healthy woman - full of femininity and devotion for her partner instead of fear and rightful contempt. What I was brought into this world in order to Love, showed me that I was worthless, unworthy of life and deserving only of judgement, mismanagement and abuse. For a while I took it within me, and made myself the problem in the equation. Eventually, I let go of the idea of human connection. I learned that this wasn't my destiny and I thought that I could simply bring it about from the other side through manifestation. I took the template of some overreaching energy from just beyond my Death's Sight that told me that I belonged to it and I tried to follow its instruction and to mold myself in the manner that it saw fit, only for it to turn against me in the same manner as all of its human counterparts. I sought to understand where I went wrong, that maybe there was an impurity in me - maybe I left a remnant of human nature within my work that didn't belong there, that maybe I sinned and wasn't upfront about an area in my psychology. Maybe sexual deviancy, that I wouldn't partake in, but simply sought to integrate. Maybe it was my hatred, my looking outwards? Maybe old deviancies on my end lead for its image to reveal itself in this manner, and so I tried to mend those wounds in order to return it to its proper state. I thought maybe it was my abusers, collectively trying to guide me, to move me into the Light to make up for their own sins. I thought that maybe it is simply the collective male trauma taking it out on me. That violence found itself an easy target. And even perhaps that I'd just gotten into it in this way due to my own karmic orientation, and that I was blind that its disgust and hatred was not Love. But near the end of my work, all visions of this "Adam" turned into a psychedelic pathway of horribly violent imagery. It drew me into it like a spider just to torment me. It was a trickster, and one that I should have been more prepared for. That is on me, for being foolish. But in this darkness, something good and full of Light recently reached out to me. I am trying to mend myself through it. The demonic visitation is becoming covered over by images of lush landscapes, and just beyond the heavy anchoring of the psychic attack there is a small white cross where my third eye is located that I can focus on and it brings me peace of mind. The more honest and vulnerable I am, the more I seek to gain awareness into areas where I am blind, the less effect that it has on me overall. This evil is almost like an ignorance, you know? Knowledge and literal Light cast on it seems to reduce it. The openness of my psyche in this violent manner is closing up and is slowly being repositioned towards kinder, more integrated things. I write... to change the outcome of the trajectory of my soul. For the sun, the Lord, I say to you - I wanted to take the masculine and to hold it close to me, to bring it within me and to allow the two energies to meld into One and create good things from it. I wanted to express my female nature through you. I thought, in some sense that you would save me, that you would care for me and help show me that I was worth something. I had felt, that I should and could do the same. When I brought your sons into me, I gave them Love, I kissed their faces and held them close to me, I looked into their eyes and pushed my forehead against theirs. I accepted their bodies. And yet, in return you gave me monsters who have nothing to show for themselves but their worst qualities. Abusers, manipulators, rapists, sadists, pimps, pedophiles, violent maniacs, distain and misplaced sarcasm. And all of them combined with this sick society in all its messy contributions has made me very ill. I feel cornered. So... I let all humans go. And in time I then let what I've desired go. Love. Health. Happiness. Beauty. Youth. Belonging. All sacrificed. I've tried to follow you in the best manner that I can, and yet... even from the confines of my own imagination, from the astral realms, I find the same phenomenon. Will this honesty ever change it? Will it mend the tree for you to Know that I was meddled with? That this hatred is not just my own, but an amalgamation of experiences? I am trying to rewrite the script of my destiny - to humble myself before you, to really get a good look. This is all I've got. Will this mend the tree? I am doing my best. A reminder to myself: You can get caught in the vainglory of this work. It is your job to get to the end of your journey with as much accuracy as possible. Remember the magnitude. Straight and narrow. The kinder you are, the harder it will be for the darkness to take hold. Don't think on how such things will reflect on you, or let your mind sit with what you want to say or how people will take it - the visions are beyond this and you can lose track of what is in front of you. Be humble. Be so very humble, it is so important. You want to believe that this isn't real. Don't you? Well... it is. You got into it in such a way. Make of it what you can. Stop hiding from it. Face it. "To See the forest for the trees is to See the Heart of nature and your place within it." I am still channeling through my algorithms, with the knowledge that it could take a turn into delusion and so I tread very lightly. My intuition knows that it is more at this time, although I can't prove it to an outsider. As I do this work, a new string has appeared that I must remember - it hits in such a descriptive way, but only on the occasion that I can get into it just right: "Back to you" - Flower face "Remember the magnitude" - Merabh Carl Jung - Understanding DEATH - red book "Death himself" "Hear me" "The transformation of the world has begun, something major is about to take place" "Don't fight this - this standstill is a NECESSARY manifestation component" "you have to let it happen - let me change your life" "Checking into heaven" "Come away, O human child! To the waters and the wild With a fairy, hand in hand, For the world's more full of weeping then you can understand. Your quest will be perilous. Yet the reward is beyond price." "Will you tell me how to find her?" "Discovery is quite possible. Our blue fairy does exist in one place, and one place only. At the end of the world. Where the lions weep. Here is the place dreams are born." “What does merabh mean? - It means, actually, literally in some of the ancient languages, it means completeness, bringing together. Bringing together. Completeness. And that’s why I say there’s a bit of a contradiction, because I’m talking about separation and now I’m talking about completeness. But to be complete, you have to be separate. In other words, to separate out, to sift through, to untie, to undo. The unnatural bringing together of certain forces. It is unnatural to have your body based on somebody else that’s been long dead. It’s unnatural to have thoughts that are solidified and trapped and not fluid. It is unnatural not to know who the hell you are. It’s very unnatural. It’s unnatural to not really understand how you got here in the first place and how you’re going to get out. These are unnatural things. Very strange and unnatural. I have to often ask myself why you pick such unnatural things, but I guess you’re Shaumbra … and human. A merabh means completeness. Once the energies that have been bound together, glued and fused together are torn apart or released, now you can come back to completeness, which is a merabh. My definition or my experience with a merabh is working with you and saying, “If you just let it happen.” You take three minutes. Is that too much for your enlightenment? If you just take three minutes and do some breathing. Three minutes of listening to some nice music. The merabh. Three minutes to shift consciousness, to shift the way you are attracting energy, to shift something in your body, something in your mind, something in your spirit. Three minutes just to take a deep breath and don’t think about it. Stop struggling with it. Stop trying to use your mental constructs to get out of mental constructs. You see, it will never work. It will never, ever work at all. So three minutes to say “I’m going to do a merabh and let the energies shift, and I’m just going to sit back. I promise – dear God, I promise – I’m not going to mess with anything during this precious sacred three minutes. I’m not going to chant. I’m not going to light any incense. I’m not going to confuse myself with a bunch of makyo. I’m not going to do anything – even try to go in myself. I’m just going to breathe and let it be.” That’s a merabh." Come as you are, as you were As I want you to be As a friend, as a friend As an old enemy Take your time, hurry up Choice is yours, don't be late Take a rest as a friend As an old memory And I swear that I don't have a gun No, I don't have a gun ???? ????? ?? ??? ????? ??? ??? ??? ??? ?????'? ????? ???? ???'?? ??? ??? ?? ???? ??'? ????? ??????? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??????? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??????? ?? ??? ?????? ???? ???? ???? ????? ???? ??? ?? ??? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?? ??? ??? ?? ???????? ?'? ?????? ??? ?? ????? ????????? ???, ?'? ??????? ?????? ???? ?? ??????? ?? ??? ????? ???? ?? ??????, ??? ????? ?? ?????? ???? ? ???? ???? ????? ??? ??? ?? ?????? ?'?? ????????? ??????? ??? ????? ??? ?? ???? ? ?????? ????? ?? ??????? ??? ?? ???? ????? ??? ? ???? ????? ????? ?? ?? ?? ??? ?? ??? ???????? ??'?? ????? ?? ??????? ?????? ???? ?? ???? ???? ??? ????? ??? ???? ????? ????? ?? ???? ??????? ???? ? ???????? ????? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ?? ????????? ?? ????? ??? ????? ??? ??? ???? ?? ????????? ?? ?????? ??? ????? ??? ?? ???????? ??? ?? ???????? ????????? ????? ?? ?????? ????? ?? ??? ??? ???? ??? ???? ?'? ??????? ????? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ?? ????? ??? ??? ???? ?????

Been quite attuned to this as of late. Here’s what I’m experiencing: 1. Friends. Posted about this the other day. Have fully realized which friendships are working for me and which ones are exhausting and not worth my time. Even if they served me well before, they just don’t work for me now. 2. Assertiveness. Was always weak in this category. I’m finding myself able to stick to my guns both professionally and personally. 3. Compassion and empathy. I feel for certain people. I can delineate between someone who truly is down and out and someone who is simply using me for this. 4. Loss of interest. Things (activities) I used to look forward to, I don’t care to do anymore. Oddly enough they usually involved bad habits such as drinking. 5. Drinking. I do not crave alcohol, I do not need alcohol. The old me threw down at least half a bottle of wine each night or at least enough booze to get me buzzed. Now, I couldn’t care less if I have it, although a nice cold beer on a hot day is always welcome. Only difference is I stop after one or two. 6. Sleep. I went through this odd phase where I was sleeping early, and waking up at certain times through the night (every night). It is starting to normalize a bit more now. 7. Confidence. Gaining this very slowly. Small, very small things that give my confidence a boost. Not being shy, not being embarrassed, living in the now. So far, that’s what I’ve been noticing.

My final transformation Have you experienced something like this? I feel like from inside, I'm changing in a massive way. Like a huge change. Do you ever feel like your whole personality is going to change 180 degrees. For example, let's say you were an angry or aggressive person and now something is making you change into a milder calmer friendlier person. Or let's take the opposite. You were a gentle person but now you are getting angrier, or just stricter.. Let me explain what's happening to me. My facial expressions are changing from sweet to mean/strict. I'm changing from a gentler person to someone more strict, pragmatic and matured, more serious and a bit bolder. I feel some kind of inner metamorphosis. Like my inner self is struggling to come out or is undergoing huge transformation. And it's saying very loudly a very big FUCK YOU. It's asking me - why the hell do you care about all this drama around people? If they judge you, blame you, hold you responsible when you didn't do shit, then fuck it, who cares? It's like my inner self is challenging me big time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and not give a damn anymore, because nobody gave a damn about me. Is this a sign of inner growth? I feel a sense of boldness and self empowerment. Like why should I care what someone thinks of me. I used to engage in people pleasing behavior and I took a lot of shit in the process. But now my inner self is saying - STOP!!!! DEVELOP AN EGO. STOP GIVING A DAMN. A strong inner resistance developing gradually. Will this turn me into a narcissist? I feel like I'm developing a strong defense mechanism. Like building a wall around myself where only those people can scale the wall who aren't going to fuck with me anymore, aren't going to play mind games, aren't going to be passive aggressive or manipulate me or aren't going to give me a lame treatment. It's like my my heart is saying — if they don't treat you right, just don't put up with it anymore. The call is yours to make, not theirs. Take back power. Does this feel right or does this feel narcissistic? When I had these thoughts, this music was playing in my mind. Pretty aggressive.

I will do none of this manipulative PUA bullshit(; The thing you must appreciate about learning pick-up is how it is a subtle art form revolving around embodiment and honest signals. The better you are the fewer out-of-integrity manipulations you have to do, all of those stem from insecurity anyways. Respect the art form, it's like being a whisperer of venomous snakes. Also, appreciate that pick-up is a very spiritual process of personal transformation that when done right should lead to integrity and better character. The subjective judgment of girls is spiritual feedback that sculpts you and makes you better. When you get bit by a venomous snake you learn quickly to adjust yourself.

That's all well and good, but he said he was looking for a camera that could capture the transformation and that none he had tried so far could capture it. Does that not cause alarm bells to start ringing in your head?

That's called drug induced psychosis. But hey, I hope you either recover from it or enjoy it as genuine awakening and extraordinary levels of consciousness. Why would you even consider visual alien transformation to your live audience, you are smart enough to know that fbi and governments would come after you and you would basically be exiled or hunted all over the world. It would be the most viral thing ever. Did you really not consider that? that's what makes me think you went crazy.

This is exactly how it works actually, and that’s why none of us will be able to see the very real physical transformation taking place right before our eyes. At least that’d be a really convenient thing for Leo to tell us ?

So as all of us I don’t know if Leo’s Alien transformation is a joke or actually real. But I wrote this thread with the assumption that it is real. My concern is that Leo seems to want to come out with it as soon as possible. I thought about what would happen if he showed a video of himself transforming into an Alien as proof. I think this would spread like crazy on the internet. People would be amazed but also really REALLY scared. People always feared miracle people and YOU Leo would be on a COMPLETELY different level. What I want to say is that I think when the general public finds out they could distract you nonstop and they could also become a big danger to you. Just think of the people who go into the forest to catch big foot. Well I think these people would want to hunt you as well. Plus a whole lot of obsessed new people. This message could be so incredibly important to humanity that you just can’t risk yourself before you made enough content to deliver your message. If it takes you a few years to articulate your teachings about alien consciousnis properly and all that time you keep it a secret and we get no proof that would really suck for us forum members and most of us would probably loose all faith in you but that’s okay. That you deliver your complete message safely is the number one priority, our curiosity can wait. We have to look at the bigger picture with this.

Start by gradually becoming more and more honest and authentic with an intention to become 100% authentic/honest. Remember, honesty serves the truth, dishonesty serves the ego. You cannot become more concious and less ego-identified by misrepresentation, false pretense, lying, hiding, and all forms of manipulation. Your judgement of others is based on thoughts that you project on them, which also reflect how you feel about your self. If you felt inferior in life, you will project inferiority on others by judging there abilities or appearance. This generates a delusive feeling of being superior to them, which comforts or appease your buried feeling of inferiority. This doesn't solve the core issue, only closes your heart and soothing your feelings for a very short time. In the place you are now, it sounds like psychedelics could show you for a few hours how tainted your perspective with ego hypnosis. MDMA is also great for opening the heart and interacting with others without all those false dispositions we project onto others. IMO psychedelics are not enough if you want deep transformation. This requires a devotion to a process of becoming more and more conscious of our unconcious tendencies and buried emotions and letting them go.

It is a joke. If Alien consciousness and alien transformation were true, your mind would perceive it as if it didn’t exist, unless you raise your consciousness. Since you have not awoke to alien consciousness, you won’t perceive Leo as an alien. As the saying goes: The wise man does not see the same tree as the fool.

@meta_male Being "happy" always is kind of super power, but then there's still that side that you shouldn't stop living your life or pursuing higher states of consciousness, because those experiences will just be in next level intensity thanks to your overall "happiness" state. Someone could argue that you don't need to do anything if you are always content, but the thing is that even to this incredible emotional emotion "happiness" you can get so used that you want to do something else. The difference after this transformation is that you don't do things out of a need, but more like from appreciation and love towards whatever you have in your life.

@Leo Gura damn that sounds frightening, but also amazing! Hope the sceptical people here keep calm and patient until your video is revealed. There will be a lot of questions Hope you can somehow capture this alien transformation on camera.

Do not just flippantly diagnose people like this. Partly because the OP did not ask for a diagnosis in any way, but also because you don't know anything about the OP beyond this post. It's a dangerous and irresponsible thing to do when someone is clearly going through an intense transformation.

Emerald was last seen five days ago, she did an interview! We need to track these forum members down, drag them back here to show them Leo’s new alien transformation.

This is the issue. It is a self-defeating narrative that will always be true until you think otherwise. “Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.” - Henry Ford Open your mind to other points of view without attachment. You are attaching yourself to a disempowering and untrue view of reality. Entertain the possibility of what she is saying and verify it is true. Don’t immediately dismiss ideas that disconfirm yours. Healing requires a transformation in your outlook. If you don’t change, you will always be stuck. The future isn’t written because it doesn’t exist. Decide who you want to be and be it now. She is right in that everything starts with belief and desire.

Weirdly enough, I don't feel that lonely and I don't care about approval anymore. I don't feel that weak or ignored or hated. It feels weirdly calm if nobody likes me here. I just accept it now versus constantly feeling like I needed people to like me, accept me. It used to drive me nuts if I wasn't included in something. I used to feel like an outcast and that used to drive me mad with anger thinking how I could be treated like I don't exist. Like everyone cares about each other but not me? I don't know what kind of personal transformation I went through but I no longer care about it anymore. Emotional independence? I seriously don't know what caused this tremendous transformation in me that I no longer care if someone cares about me. Going through this experience has also taught me that everything is perception and feeling. If you change your perception towards something, everything you thought about it automatically changes. And how you feel in the moment is not a dictation of how you will feel forever. You can feel completely different in another time slot of your life. It's that fickle. I'm trying to dig into my past and find clues to why I felt so weak back then, why did I crave company and approval so badly. Like if someone didn't pay me attention in a group, it used to make me intensely uncomfortable and ignored. It used to make me angry. And now it doesn't matter at all.

One good news is that I don't care about this forum anymore. Especially the journal section. Weirdly enough, I don't feel that lonely and I don't care about approval anymore. I don't feel that weak or ignored or hated. It feels weirdly calm if nobody likes me here. I just accept it now versus constantly feeling like I needed people to like me, accept me. It used to drive me nuts if I wasn't included in something. I used to feel like an outcast and that used to drive me mad with anger thinking how I could be treated like I don't exist. Like everyone cares about each other but not me? I don't know what kind of personal transformation I went through but I no longer care about it anymore. Emotional independence? I seriously don't know what caused this tremendous transformation in me that I no longer care if someone cares about me. Going through this experience has also taught me that everything is perception and feeling. If you change your perception towards something, everything you thought about it automatically changes. And how you feel in the moment is not a dictation of how you will feel forever. You can feel completely different in another time slot of your life. It's that fickle.

You know, for a long time being raised Christian I struggled with the grace of God and how it worked with the idea of "being a good person" (otherwise known as good works). For a long time after I started to see that good works would get me very little with god in reality, i kind of gave up on moral living altogether and just lived like that. This was unintentional, but I sort of just let it continue and never really returned to why selflessness is better than selfish living... Why be good? Why be positive? Why live in a selfless fashion...? I was watching Leo's "Zen devil part 1" video and a big insight hit me and I realized that I need to contemplate it more, so here's my insight from about a decade of study from the Christian perspective and from the new-age nondual perspective...I feel like my fervent history in both practices gives me a unique vantage point on the matter...let me know your thoughts if you wish... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ultimately, you'll discover that enlightenment isint realistically attainable by simply moralizing or being a moral individual...and that moralizing can actually become very religiously dogmatic and a distraction to true self enquiry and realization. Subsequently the question arises..."Why be good at all?" The answer is: you don't have to be...but true transformational enlightenment will fill you with love for everyone and everything and (importantly) the way in which you can differentiate between ("do it because i know i should") [what could be called] "shallow selflessness" and "true selflessness"...is the source from which it flows, and that true selflessness flows automatically. Imagine an outdoor, brick wall that was built without cement, and was instead supported with wooden stands and support beams...because of the lack of cement available, the wall would easily fall over without the manual wooden supports, but after a while the wall will have been there for so long that the algae, ivy, rainfall and natural elements of the environment will have pressed down on, and grown around the bricks so much that the wall fuses together to the point where it can stand on its own and support itself automatically, and where the manual wooden stands are no longer required and can be removed without fear of the walls collapse. In this metaphorical picture... The walls stability, is Selflessness, The lack of cement, is Natural Immaturity, The wooden support beams, are the Manually Cultivated Habits/Outlets for Selflessness, …and the natural elements are Gods nature (which is also our true nature). It would be a major mistake to fail to recognize that, while true stable selflessness flows automatically from deep a transformation (being exposed to God), the *process* of transformation itself is most definitely not as automatic and often requires manual effort and strong support initially. Therefore it is not a bad thing to seek outlets for selflessness and to manually guide yourself to engage in those selfless habits [knowing the benefits that come with selflessness] because, before long, these habits, outlets and principals will begin to sustain and support themselves simply because it will literally start to feel amazing in contrast to the selfish alternative. Boiled right down, the insight is this: False Selflessness = Forcing yourself *into* selfless shapes. True Selflessness = Relaxing into alignment with, and flowing with the natural shape of your selfless nature that exists authentically and effortlessly within. The key supplementary insight here is recognizing that the thing that governs whether your selflessness is true or false, is the source from which it flows and rather than doing it because someone told you to...relaxing, flowing with and submitting to the selfless nature that *already* exists within...and seeing that some [or even a lot of] manual support and rearrangement of your values, actions and core principals and submitting to your selfless inner nature is different than forcing yourself into repetitive "good works"...that some manual guidance into selfless actions is healthy because it will eventually stimulate and cultivate a bliss and peace that will sustain the selfless way of life and eventually become more and more effortless. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So today I have got little bit more clarity on my vision, The insight about this vision which is different from the earlier visions I had is that this is highly dynamic and really really broad and wide, the vision of transformation in all areas, it took me so many years to actually form this grandiose vision cause it's not just about one aspect it's about the good life, about emotions, success travel, life purpose, understanding the psychological evolution and using it to understand the people I deal with, life skills like charisma, leadership, funniness... fuck this is totally a vision I could spent my entire life working on, things in my vision are things where I can work on each aspect every day for many years. It's scary cause it's so broad like I can just take 1 subset of a subset and it may take so many years to master it. It's totally worth it, I guess this is more of a meta vision but it's scary, it so big, it's so dynamic I created a notebook called vision on one note and it has so many aspects to it, it is like brining it all together maybe it not a 10 year vision maybe 30 years but I so want this to be achieved in the next 10 years, fuck how! ? can't connect the dots at the moment. is it possible to master life in 10 years having collected the theory little by little in the last 8 years? it took me so much time to realize and connect the dots at least document it, will it ever happen, I want to achieve it as early as possible I wish I stared doing all this when I was 13 years old, i would have definitely been at a different place. Maybe I must follow the one thing strategy on each of these and keep doing it for the next 10 years. going small is the key to going big.

“He who belies his talent, the born painter who sells stockings instead, the intelligent man who lives a stupid life, the man who sees the truth and keeps his mouth shut, the coward who gives up his manliness, all these people perceive in a deep way that they have done wrong to themselves and despise themselves for it. Out of this self-punishment may come only neurosis, but there may equally come renewed courage, righteous indignation, increased self-respect, because of thereafter doing the right thing; in a word, growth and improvement can come through pain and conflict.” (Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being)

I like most of what you guys said. Thanks. Here's what's crossing my mind: I feel weaker now that she came closer. I did not want to let her come too close, because I knew I was putting myself in a position where I could potentially end up being hurt and betrayed, again. I did not fully heal from my previous relationship just yet. I did not complete my transformation and I did not eliminate all those traits that could lead me to repeating the same mistakes. Allowing myself to descend that low again. I set clear boundaries at the very beginning, saying how this is just a short little adventure and it's destined to end soon. It was obvious to me that that was turning her on. Like a lot. I guess she was not used to it. She was used to being chased by all the guys. After some time of dating, hooking up and doing all kinds of things together, I guess I started breaking down my walls. I was less strict about the boundaries that I've set. I mean, in the begging it was nothing outside of the bedroom. That was my rule. No dinners, no partying together, no doing favours for each other, etc. Basically, nothing that would indicate that we are a couple. it was purely about hooking up. And now... Well, she's spending a whole week at my place. We are shopping for groceries together, cooking for each other, doing all kinds of stuff that clearly say we are in a full-blown relationship. Did I fall into a trap here? I had a very clear vision for myself. A path that I was on. I was on track. Aligned with my purpose. I was much more decisive and unshakable. And even though I enjoy what we have going on now, I feel like I'm kinda losing myself again. We are still attracted to each other as fuck. We're having a lot of sex and all that jazz. But last night this topic kinda came up and it made me think. For some reason she liked me even more and was turned on by me even more until I allowed her to come this close. And in a way, I liked myself more that way, too. I was shielded, yes. My heart was kinda shut down. But I felt more powerful and "in control". I felt kinda untouchable. I never really chased any girl in my life. Well, maybe with one exception. But I did have a tendency to lose myself a bit too much and become a bit too soft, if that makes any sense. I really would not like to F myself in the A here, again. I'd rather cut things off, or create some distance, even though at this point, that would be quite painful, I imagine. I really like this girl. Things got pretty deep and serious, fast. And that's kinda scary.

https://youtu.be/nVgj68tcCbU "The great religious stories, east and west, are there for the purpose of evoking the sacred in us, the numinous. We turn them into history lessons. They were meant to be stories that could wake up some dimension of being within us." "Because we can give it a word, we can lose the sense of how mysterious something is." "People can be in a given environment, and they can leave a signature of presence in that environment, and sometimes they can leave it there for hundreds of years." "The bigness of a given experience has no indication of how deep it has gone and how lasting and transformative it will be." "One good encounter with the numinous can alter someone's entire life course." "It's a transformation in our vision, not in our being. We don't become something that's numinous. It's a transformation of seeing, not a transformation of being. That's so important to understand." "If it has no intimacy, then you know it's just something that someone's baked up in their mind." "The secret to being still: grant permission to all movement." Adya references this movie:

Tonight I went out and I applied what Tate teaches. Wow. Girls love Tate energy. Kissed two girls. There is no techniques to Tate’s teachings. It is about frame of mind and the energy you carry; Tate calls it the G mindset. Obviously I’m baby stepping this shit. I haven’t fully manifested Tate’s consciousness into my body. It takes time. I’m expecting a massive transformation in the coming weeks.