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I'm getting pulled to opposite directions by 2 forces. One wants me to live, and the other one wants me to kill myself. Both suicide and staying alive is bad. Impossible problem, and I don't even know how I got here. So that makes me stuck. Not dead, not alive, just mysteriously existing. Pretty sure I will get weird dreams now when I go to bed.

Fact is.. that it doesn't matter what I do, or how hard I try, or how hard I don't try. Because life is unfair, I'm a victim, and I'm in hell. Anyone who says otherwise/disagrees with me, is just confirming that. There is no way out. Not even suicide. You guys don't understand how fucking bad it is. Sometimes not even I understand it. That's how bad it is. Anyone who disagrees is just trying to cope with the shit. Or he/she got lucky in the life lottery.

I have studied self development for over than 2 years now, and I tried to understand the root cause of the ego/duality in the brain and to see every step on how it evolves from childhood to adulthood. So I studied many teachings from different people and I noticed that there are 2 kinds of ego, not only one. Everybody says that the ego is the “evil side”, but from the studies I noticed two opposite egos. I tried to make a study of both dualities/egos, but I came along with some problems that I will address below, after I show you the study. The characteristics of these two egos/dualities: - The bad/selfish ego: Logical mind -> Thoughts -> Evil Ego -> Masculine energy -> Unconscious -> Fear/Surival -> Pain -> Traumas -> Indulgent education -> Tyrants in society -> Positivity -> Happiness -> Narcissists/High self esteem -> Egoism -> Desires -> Possessive -> Hate -> Manipulators -> Selfish -> Possesive love -> Addiction -> Indifference -> Physical abuse -> Criminals/War -> Death/Killing. (ex: The popular kid in the school that is narcissist, rich, happy, doesn’t have a heart and that bullies you everyday, that doesn’t care about anything, very manipulative and can hurt you physically if they hate you, abusers) - The good/selfless ego: Emotional mind -> Emotions -> Good ego -> Feminine energy -> Unconscious -> Fear/Survival -> Pain -> Traumas -> Strict education -> Sheep in society -> Negativity -> Unhappiness -> Empaths/Low self esteem -> Altruism -> Expectations/Attachments -> Sacrifices -> Depressive -> Self hate -> Victims -> Selfless -> Dependent love -> Anxiety -> Numbness -> Suicide. (ex: The kid that is being bullied, that is poor, depressive, has a big heart and cares about everyone, the empath that sacrifices everything and is selfless, that it might commit suicide) I studied the 9 stages of Ego, from Leo, and I noticed that there were always two different egos, one that is selfish and one that is selfless: - Symbiotic, Impulsive, Opportunist, Expert stage - which had in common selfishness, indifference, anger, manipulation, superiority, logic. - Conformist, The achiever stage, Pluralist, Strategist - which is sheeps, dependence/needy, feelings, intuition, compassion, selflessness, sacrifices. I noticed that even in the Spiral Dynamics: - Beige, Red, Orange - survival, egocentric, domination, predators, indifferent, narcissistic, selfish, individualistic, cold - Purple, Blue, Green - sacrificing for others, naive, rules, obedience, return to spirituality, care and love, false spirituality Even the chakras have opposite dualities/egos: - 1st Chakra, 3rd Chakra, 5th Chakra - survival, self esteem, personal power, self worth, confidence - 2nd Chakra, 4th Chakra, 6th Chakra - emotions, love, intuition, imagination The duality of the brain (where ego lives): - Left brain: analysis, logic, ideas, facts, math, training, etc. - Right brain: creativity, intuition, arts, creation, feeling, imagination, etc. - If both hemispheres are in balance, what develops is free thinking. That's when you use your whole brain. Now my confusions: 1. People say the Ego is only the “bad ego”, but then, why in all these studies we have two opposing egos? If ego is only the “bad ego”, what is the “good ego” that I noticed? Cause it’s not Consciousness, because in the “good ego” we have self hate, low self esteem, etc. 2. Is duality formed of bad ego vs. good ego? Or duality is formed of bad ego vs. bad ego? I know that somewhere I am very diluted, because right now I don’t understand if ego is only the bad side. 3. What is Ego then, and where should I place the “good ego” characteristics? Please correct everything you see wrong in the study. You can see that some things are not right in the characteristics of ego, but I don't know how to correct them. I know that the two categories are somewhere wrong because, you can’t say that an evil person only has a logical mind, are not emotional, they are cold, because they hate and are angry, and that is an emotion too. Or you can see that I put happiness at the bad ego, which is a characteristic for enlightenment, so for sure something is wrong. 4. From what we know, Leo said that Consciousness = Unity, Unconditional love, Selflessness, Absolute goodness, Happiness, Peace, Balance. But balance means the equilibrium between good and bad. And happiness/selflessness/goodness is just the good part only. If consciousness is balance, that means that if we take my model, today I should love you unconditionally, and tomorrow I should hate you, today I should be selfless and tommorow selfish. Cause this means balance. Or that I should be neutral and not hate you and not love you. But this is surely not right, this doesn’t sound right. 5. Why does consciousness look like the “good ego”? Being selfless, loving unconditionally without boundaries, sacrificing until you want to commit suicide? If God is absolute and balance, it means he is both. But this in practice looks like today I’m an altruist and tomorrow I will kill you. Which again doesn’t sound right. 6. If consciousness is balance/unity of duality/paradox, then saying that God is selfless is just one side. From this model I understand that God is selfless and selfish at the same time, good and bad at the same time. But this doesn’t make me fell happy, unconditional loving, just very confused and not able to do anything, because I’m in the middle. 7. What does balance look then in practice? For me, for example if one extreme is healthy food and the other extreme is unhealthy food, the balance would mean i would eat healthy and unhealthy in balance. I will have a salad and cookies after. But why for some balance means only salad? 8. If Consciousness is the “good ego”, that means that I should become like the good ego, and that will lead me to suicide. But there is self hate and low self esteem, so it’s not Consciousness. What is the difference between the “good ego” and Consciousness? Is Absolute good the balance of love and hate? 9. In the spiral dynamics we see balance as rational, emotional and intuitive come together, or feminine and masculine in balance. If we apply the model in my study, that looks like again today I love you, tomorrow I hate you. So how can I get out of this? Please correct everything that is wrong and please help me fix the study, to put in order the characteristics and understand exactly what is Ego. I really want to help this world and I want to finish this study, so I can help everybody in the future. Please don’t be mad at me for what I wrote. Is what I noticed while I gathered this whole information and put it side to side. Please help me see what is wrong here, because I can’t get out of this and it tormented me for so long that I feel like I can’t anymore. @Leo Gura please take a look on here, I would appreciate it very much to hear your opinion.

The good vs. bad ego, as you described, aren't "good" and "bad" -- they are both bad. One is only "good" from a certain type of morality (Christian?) They are both bad from an Aristotelian golden mean kind of outlook. If you're a narcissist, that's bad; if you're committing suicide because you're too sensitive, that's bad too, from that viewpoint. They are both extremes. Firstly, the "ego" is simply that which we think we are; they are traits we identify with. This is morally neutral, although MOST of the time, we think whatever we are is good or right. Nonduality moves along the process of integrating the shadow, that which we tend to disidentify with. It can occasionally be considered good, but most of the time we think of it as bad. We tend to project it onto others or repress it. The endpoint of spiritual development is a yin-yang kind of integration of the two, where we discover that we were wrong all along in associating the shadow with evil (the case most of the time.) We drop the negative association and see it as a necessary part of ourselves.

How ? Your avatar/ego currently knows that this is all a dream and yet you have no option to leave it unless you commit suicide, which is not possible in this scenario. Ditto Immortality in every sense of the word, god dreams of a world whose destruction of the avatar that god believes to be (ego) can never be destroyed.

So how is this green exactly? I'd say the 1st and 3rd tweets have quite a bit of red in them. Not only the tweets but the persons too. They seem full of hate and pretty misandric. Someone at stage green can definitely be triggered offcourse, But its highly unlikely they encourage abuse or suicide or say such vile things.

Healthygamer has been one of the few blessings of 2020. They have helped so many Twitch-streamers with their mental health. Teaching meditation, yogic and pyschological theory, and overal helping raise people's consciousness. This stream after recent events has brought me to tears many times. Byron 'Reckful' Bernstein was one of the people that helped me a lot in getting through dark times in my teens. The guy was so kind and open. It's so sad to see him be consumed by his darkness and on July 2nd end up taking his life. I hope this can help some people

@at_anchor You need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist ASAP, Don't just throw away your life, Suicide carries its own karma, you know.

I'm not interested in impossible. You are overestimating my lifes path. I am not gonna become Buddha or a yogi in this life. In another life I will if there is such a thing. This life has to come to an end, though. It is hard and it got too hard for me to deal with! So please hear my wishes better. I do not wish to become a yoga practicionaire because of my life that got real bad. I only wish for assisted suicide that is safe, painless and legal. Netherlands has it legal if it is assisted by a doctor I guess. How can we get me there and help me get a doctor for this asap? In another life we can talk about yoga and stuff. This life is too bad and poor to be talking about that stuff.

This is true unfortunately yet this is only true to the psychopath. To an average teenager who is a "I wanna be tate so bad," if he decides to sell drugs for money and join a gang, he will be in enormous trouble, a nightmare in prison, losing his family and his entire life turned upside down and he might suicide not being able to handle it, he will lose his mind. To the average Joe, the machinations of a psychopath is like a child playing with acid, he will hurt himself really badly and not have the mental in-affectedness or psychopathic aptitude to deal with the loss and brutality. That's where Tate's line of thinking gets into the snakepit territory, good only for Tate, nightmare for others.

Assisted suicide is honoring of life, but I understand partially that you can't inform me about this. It is okay. Where can I seek for the info? I guess by going to netherlands directly. But that is kind of hard. I also have energy problems and can barely write this here.

This is not what this forum is for. No one here is going to help you with this information. If you want help feeling better and honouring your life that’s what the forum is for in part. But, if you are considering assisted suicide you need to seek out that information elsewhere. We are here promoting the honouring of life.

@Leo Gura yeah but do you think not giving any solution, worse criminalizing pedophilia is actually better ? at the end of the day pedophiles aren't gonna sit around and wait for permission their whole life, they're just gonna do what it takes to satisfy their sexual needs. the thing with sexuality is that it's literally impossible to suppress, sooner or later, it will pop out in uglier ways. if i was only attracted to children, i'll go and rape, and i won't give a fuck about the ethics. i'm not gonna sit there for decades without doing anything about it. that's the reality, when humans can't have their most central needs met in an ethical way, they'll meet them in a criminal way. just look at human history. you're telling dozens of millions of people to just rape or suicide.

Oh, somebody with a working spiritual compass, and a heart to actually listen to it. Bon voyage and all the best! That is now the most likely path. Writing about ones own (Alien) insanity, and rolling out the path to that to an audience dragged by google & Co. to this place (many with psychological problems), and having a paywall as entry criteria. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Each suicide will haunt him in the afterlife & next lifes when the emotional suffering & energies caused by it are no longer shielded from him, like in this earth realm. Infinite Intelligent Reality? Oh yes, perfectly sufficient intelligent enough to handle back that Karma & suffering caused, as learning experience for the soul. Didn't see these mechanism on his trips? Many many others have, in minute detail. Sure, all imagined. But that won't help then. Hell is also only just imagined, but appears very very real while having the resulting hellish bad-Karma nightmare-dream. You Will Know Them by Their Fruits 15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them. Matthew 7:15-20 So it seems that Spirit is not tired playing its game, and didn't choose this case here to be an example of "psychedelics-beneficically and wisely used in an integrated way", but instead a showcase-example of "what can go wrong rolling out an extreme psychedelic protocoll to an unscreened, uncoached and unqualified audience". Water by the River

Update: I wrote out a list of things that make me depressed. The loss of my sexual innocence is at the top of the list. I have been clinging to This identity since the incident from when I was six. It was undermined with masturbation and pornography later on. The loss of sexual innocence has more to do with the issue than the shame of being a man. My desire to become a woman was addressed and is now fading. I have been watching parts of how to get laid. I was open minded for a bit, but then experienced ego backlash. That is when this desire to become a woman came up. Sorry if I seem kind of jumpy. Everything I put on this forum is a discussion of things that have bothered me for a while. It is all coming up at once and I am changing fast. My mind is becoming more peaceful, so this is working. Suicide is starting to seem preposterous. The most important insight is that me trying to love myself stands in the way of me loving myself. I believed that I needed truth to love myself because I otherwise love illusions. I was trying not to be self deceived, but I am now trying to flip what I have been doing. I'm trying to let go of this belief that I am morally obligated to love myself based on who I truly am. I don't have to love myself. Believing I have to love myself makes me hate myself. It is paradoxical, and it goes against what this site holds. That is love and truth are one. Maybe the fundamental problem is that I confused relative love and truth for absolute love and truth. I also meant who I truly am as an ego, not God. Struggling to love myself therefore made it impossible to love myself because I stood in the way by trying to love myself through forcing truth on myself out of a sense of moral obligation to love myself. I ended up dropping the hammer on myself constantly and brutally. It is finally stopped. I feel present. Of course I still have the list ready for the psychiatrist. There seems to be a happy ending to all of this.

Might save many lives.

I'm seriously considering suicide now. My life had turns meaningless. My life had been put to a stop. I couldn't even have last december and have my last year of being twenty six. I couldn't experience Christmas last year and celebrate the new year like literally everyone else. My life was put to a stop. Without my will. I want to die peacefully. There's nothings much left in my life.

You don't really need euthanasia. You just need information about how to committ suicide in a safe and painless way. Unfortunately that information is kind of hard to get for some because it's censored everywhere, including here.

@ZzzleepingBear I Am Existence (what you call God like if it was divine) I'm trying to escape this bad life but I know suicide will lead me to another form. I'm existing forever and have no choice but face this mess how can you accept that ? It's easy when you're living from a good life perspective but not when you have a life full of suffering and bad stuff happening

I read the book. Others on the forum recommend that I apply what I've learned. I have been opening up to my family on a lot of serious issues. so far I have made great progress. There is one last thing I have not told them about. It is about my father. Is it okay to tell my grandma that I'm happy my piece of shit father is dead? She is very sensitive about her son. She takes it as a personal attack when talking about all the horrible things my father did. She needs to understand that she did everything in her power to be a good mother, but her son was beyond her control. Her grand children were hurt deeply because of it. I don't blame her for being a bad person or anything. It is just painful for her to love her son as it is painful for me to love my father. A few things about my father. He was involved in gang violence. He was a drug dealer. He fled the state to avoid paying child support. He committed statutory rape when he impregnated my mother. I am trying the forgiveness exercise on him but am experiencing a lot of intense anger toward myself for being blinded by my unconditional love for my father. My father manipulated me. He preached the bible as if the father son bond was sacred. He wanted me to carry on some grand legacy with the Hamann name rather than holding my mother's last name. It was all fake. He wanted to use me as a pawn against my mother to get out of paying child support. He threatened to disown me if I told mom how he was evading child support. He therefore coerced me into committing a felony because of how he made me swear to secrecy. My feelings toward my father are that I love him even though exploited my love for him to use me as a pawn. It feels easy to love dad but very hard to love myself. I hate myself for loving my father. I judged mom for refusing to evict my step father because of her emotional weakness. I'm angry at myself for having the same emotional weakness that prevented me from sending my father to prison for the rest of his life. I deceived myself easily as I lied for my father. I drew a false equivalence between my father and abusive step father who destroyed the house and beat my mom. My father's side of the family told me that mom's side was the untrustworthy ones and I felt that nobody could be trusted. This played into my father's hands. Furthermore, I felt that family values were meaningless. I applied it to my whole family, causing me to feel depressed. I hate myself for defending my father in a way that hurt the rest of my family. I can forgive myself for doing everything in my power to be good. I still need time. Is it okay to be this honest with my grandma? My sisters were against it. They told me that I am too honest and I need to hold the truth back. They told me that I may have caused a man to commit suicide when I told him "I am not optimistic about your future, but you don't deserve to suffer."

@integral it's coming up again. The feeling that I hate my entire family came up. I could tell them that I have been hiding in my room for so long because I believed them to be degenerate. I am trying to form an emotional connection to others, but when I try what comes up is hatred, depression, and suicide. If I could somehow change myself without telling them, then I guess it would be fine. I'm trying to change like I always have been, but it doesn't work. The reason I don't socialize much us because I don't want others to change me or influence me. I don't trust most people to be high quality people. I have looked down on most other humans my entire life. I look down on myself as well for failing to find a higher purpose that fulfills me in life. I can never be fulfilled with any purpose if depression kills my joy. I'm opening myself up, but it is a hectic process. I'm sorry if I annoy you with the same story. My morals do not apply to today and they cause me a lot of problems. I say I hate myself a lot, but it feels more true to say I hate my family. I probably shouldn't tell them that yet.

These past few months I’ve gone through a pretty bad life crisis. I feel stuck, lost, and hopeless. I am questioning everything and it has gotten too a point where it is debilitating and taking away from every other aspect of my life. Everything is falling apart and I feel hopeless. Reality seems so scary right now. And I don’t know what to do other then rant about my problems and hope someone can at least offer some guidance or perspective. [Originally, this post was a long a** rant that I spent about 15 mins just writing. It was messy and very chaotic, so I took the paint points of the rant and made a bullet-point summary.] Homeschooling Trauma No social life / friends Bad social anxiety Cheating throughout online school, and forgetting the things I did learn and fear of lack of essential and necessary education before entering college. Life is bleak and others pity me FOMO on teenage / HS experiences Existential Crisis Based on Nihilism Fear of death Fear of wasted time / further wasting time and not spending it correctly, not making use of every moment. And not knowing how or why to even spend it correctly. My existence feels futile and mundane but also confusing without meaning, it all feels meaningless Fear of dying without knowing everything there is too know about everything Feeling insignificant and useless in a literal and existential way Afraid I cannot go back to how I was mentally and physically with these realizations. I feel doomed. I can't continue with regular life anymore, I keep thinking about how it all doesn't matter and how I won't possibly solve all these issues and that I'm just living a distraction. It's all a distraction. All cope. I feel paralyzed. And how can I live knowing how *** up our world is. Mental Health Feeling of depression and suicide. Chronic and debilitating procrastination that has ruined every aspect of life, caused me too go days without doing school work or even basic tasks like showering, and has put me behind in school, my previous goals, basic *** like attending college orientations, changing clothes, sleeping and life in general. Overeating and excessive weight gain Extreme insecurities regarding physical appearance (looks, acne, weight, height), have fallen into the "blackpill" rabbit hole and it's made me very depressed. Loneliness: virgin, friendless, loveless Cases of ghosting from perceived friends that have happened in more then one instance Negative experiences with therapy and doubts about its practical, ethical, and scientific legitimacy. The realization my loved ones may also be struggling just as bad as me Life Crisis Regarding Future (School, Career, Finances, Personal) Fear of going too college because of social anxiety and it being a repeat of high-school loneliness and suffering. Insecurities involving the prestige and price of school as well as major choice not being a good fit, being too hard, and useless Unsure if college is right for me and feel like I am going in blind The desire too play college soccer but the reality of not being recruited and me not realistically making my team due to skill issues, development issues, and the fact my school is a high level team and I barely played in HS. Hopelessness when it comes too dreams I’ve had as a kid (soccer, music, content creation, entrepreneurship) shattering against reality and never coming true. The realization of probability / determinism / luck / insane skill I may not posses in regards too hopes and dreams / unfairness of capitalist system has killed my hope. I will die never accomplish these and any sliver of hope is delusion. But, I cannot live with this notion. It hurts to realize not everything is possible. Fear of being average and never accomplishing remarkable feats. Fears of being doomed to wage slavery and being poor for the rest of my life just like I am now. Afraid I won’t be able to provide for my family and / or follow passions and be a failure in life like I already am. Finding self improvement, goals, and even continuing life itself futile and so confusing with all this hopelessness and uncontrollable factors that seem to not favor me. This is causing me too feel stuck and unsure what my “next steps” are, I’m just living day by day and I am clueless. I want answers.

I’d like to see what you guys think about this. I hope it doesn’t get taken down, but wouldn’t that be the most total and quick way to transcend the ego and in turn everything that limits you? Other than the time and effort required, how is this different from mahāsamādhi?

there was a time and place when I thought you were my forever or at least my next ten years, but a voice in my heart told me no so I listened and lived in a hellscape of my own making. and a little miracle seeing our old friends made it all come back when I thought I was good. and I hope you hear this, I hope a part of you can hear this. because life’s been tough, yeah it tried to kill me but I’m still here, still dreaming, still doing this human thing wondering how long until I forget. so I took the pain and put it in these words and sounds , took my music and played it for the universe to listen hoping God forgives me for whatever I did to deserve a pain so deep it kills you. not suicide no the hurt literally kills you, died so many times of a broken heart in the last two years or so but shit’s been pretty straight since may. I just pray that you hear it. I know you can hear it. and in case you can’t now I gotta release it.

just try it out. I know someone with fibromyalgie, ADHD; heavy depression, suicide thoughts, diagnosed psychosis, daily panic attacks, weekly migraine attack and social anxiety (not leaving home for month) who tried psychedelics many times during this dark phase, even high doses. It all went well, after two years of using heavy psychedelics (around 50-100 trips with all kind of drugs include 5 meo, ketamin, mdma) the one is almost healed from any of these issues. I need to add the one was not on any pharmaceutical drugs like antidepressants and had high spiritual intelligence. Also all trips were with a trip sitter (me). So security was always there