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Hi. I am a guy that studies clinical psychology in Europe. I have been doing psychedelic therapy, and I have stumbled upon something that I have a really hard time integrating. Around 9 years ago in the start of my twenties, I started going to a psychologist. My life was not going well. I had been abusing different substances because of depression over a period of some years. This therapist helped me a lot. I had been blaming myself for all of the problems happening in my family. I suddenly got the insight that I wasn’t as bad of a character that I though I was and learned to live by my most fundamental values. I learned a lot of psychological principles that worked. The therapist suggested I started meditating. I was hesitant at first. A friend of mine had also started meditating at the same time and was recommending it to me. At this time I also started watching Leo’s YouTube videos where he talked about meditation. In the end I bought into the idea and startet meditating every day for 20 minutes. My life was suddenly going were well. It was like I was slingshotted like a satellite entering the orbit of another planet. I had my meditation practice going for some time. I stopped meditating for some time and life was not as frictionless as it used to when I was having a daily practice. I read another self-help book that was talking about meditation and I had this eureka moment where I recognized how huge deal meditation was in helping me self-actualizing. I started my practice back up and boosted it to 1hr+ a day. I had an insane flow state. I have undiagnosed ADHD and one of my advantages is that I have the ability to hyper focus. This combined with meditation practice made it possible for me to get a razor thin concentration. I aced every subject I had in school with A grades, and was going to study at one of the most prestigious educational programs (engineering combined with economics) in my country. This was until I meditated while simultaneously smoking cannabis in the Christmas vacation. I got this really uncomfortable feeling in my body before I got a vision in my head where I tried to talk to my parents as a child. Boom and is was like somebody cut with a knife over my third eye. I felt a electric shock in my body and fell of my meditation stool. From this day on I had daily persistent tension headaches. My life was hell. My concentration was at negative infinity. I regressed to a point below where I was at before I started my soul-searching journey. I was depressed and though about suicide everyday over a course of several years. I made a pact with my-self that I was going to figure out this whole headache situation to the point where I was willing to bet my whole life for this purpose. First thing was that I read about Alexander Lowen´s bioenergecits and psychosomatics. I went all in and travelled to another country and met with a professional practicioneer in this field. For a year I worked with her in another country. It didn’t work out well in the start, so I suggested introducing psychedelics into the mix. 1.5 hours x 2 every week. 1 session with psychedelics and 1 session without. The psychedelic opened me up and I was starting to work my trauma energy out. I did this for a year, but it was moving way to slow than what I thought it was going to be. When I came home, my headache wasn’t resolved. But I had external pressure from family to start studying. I was forced to choose clinical psychology as my future profession, because I still needed to figure out the psychosomatic situation about the headache. I started the study. I tried doing psychedelics, but it did not work out as it was hard to fix it logistically with a trip sitter and location. I had my headache on the back burner and was focusing my energy on other things. Fast forward to a couple of years ago, I started to do low doses of LSD combined with holotropic breath work. I created a protocol to keep my nerves under control during the therapy sessions with ice baths and vagus nerve stimulation weeks before every trip. I had 10 sessions in 3 months and my symptoms got way better. The headache was melting away. What seemed to come up in several session was these girly, bubbly, pink emotions in my body while doing the therapy. I am almost 99% sure my body started producing high doses of estrogen while tripping. A trauma from my childhood appeared when I was molested by my best friend (family friend) who was 5 years older than me. He was in puberty and I was probably 7 years old. My father had some porn magazines and movies that we found and watched together. We both got really aroused to the point where he couldn’t handle his urges. He forced me to do different stuff. I liked it. I was really into it. It was just something about losing control and being forced to do something that you don’t like while simultaneously liking it at the same time. My emotions was so amped up in the situation that I disassociated. The trauma itself was not the biggest deal, but was all the shit that went on afterwards. I did a lot of externalizing and got caught by my parents and teachers at school for doing a lot of stupid shit. My first years in middle school was hell and I ended up with a lot of narcissistic traits. I started doing heavier doses of LSD. Around 500ug with eyeshades and binaural beats. The same feelings appear. My pelvis is shaking heavily while all these emotions goes around my body. My body produces a lot of estrogen. I have read a lot on trans forums about how it feels to do estrogen and it’s exactly the same feeling I am getting. My boners are soft and hard while I get these crazy body orgasms when I masturbate. I get these fantasies in my mind about being a girl being penetrated and it feeling good. It is like all of the energy in my body becomes pink and red. I see a lot of pink hearts swirling around. I suddenly feel drawn towards makeup, shaving my legs and doing all the other self care stuff girls usually do. I can watch a porn movie and feel jealous of the girl being fucked. This is really confusing. Because when I work out a lot and eat clean (which results in higher testosterone levels), I feel manly and the thought of being a girl having sex is nauseating. In these mind states I only want to have sex with girls. I have three different hypothesizes: 1. I am a trans woman that have repressed my sexuality because I am ashamed of the trauma. 2. What I am experiencing in the therapy sessions is the repressed emotions of liking what I was going through when I experienced the trauma, and I am integrating this disassociated part of my personality 3. I have hybrid brain that could function on both testosterone and estrogen. What I experience in the sessions is just healing my trauma. Does anybody have the slightest clue or insight about what this phenomenon could be all about?

@Vibes 1.Death is just a change in consciousness, you letting go of the body/killing yourself is you suffering and surrendering to god fully. After that you become god and forget who you were, because you didn't accept/love yourself you will incarnate your consciousness from god mode to physical reality that you make up. You can't stay as god as this is too great of a responsibility and only full acceptance and love of yourself for eternity will allow you to stay as god forever. From god mode you just have to imagine a reality, for example: You imagine that you're on a planet and you're from an advanced alien civilization that's is basically all. When you imagine yourself into this character, everything from there will be constructed in the presence on the go around you. 2. Another possibility is that after you suicide/kill yourself, you can be stuck as brains or another form of consciousness in the same reality. Because you didn't die let go of your body naturally you can be stuck in the same reality as a form of consciousness, this is what free will is. God realization is the deconstruction of the reality/evolving beyond yourself, so if you as ego/dream character don't know much after reincarnation the reality might become what you believed in. Gods free will is a scary thing. But i think it's most likely the 1st possebility @OsaidIt is only hell if you can't fully accept yourself as god, this means accepting insanity and everything that is inside of you it also means letting go of everything. It also means accepting all the control and freedom you get, which is huge. Being god is such a big responsibility that there is nobody to take it.

Smh ... when I was a kid I was very depressed. For the past 5 years I have been living in bliss of creation . However my mom still worried that I might be depressed cause Some person she knows killed themself. I can’t explain to her that I can’t die and how I know that and also I can’t just be like yooooo bruh loooook at this looook how amazing I made this this this is heaven why would I wanna leave? I would just sound crazy. I’m so in love with my creation. It’s magnificent

(Wanted to reply on there^, but felt it more appropriate on this thread) — Another warning is assuming that there’s 0 chance of harming yourself on cannabis (this includes both marijuana and hemp). As cannabis becomes more widely accepted and legalized all around the world, there’ll be some who use it for hardcore spiritual purposes. It’s likely that those people have little to no experience with altered states of consciousness, may have mental disorders, and will also use cannabis in immature ways. Without proper support and theoretical foundation, they can be led down a dark path without understanding how to get out of it. And like I mentioned before, do not underestimate the power of THC. Even if you take a product with higher CBD to help balance the psychoactive effects, THC is still not to be messed with. I’m super sensitive to THC… even a 0.5mg change in THC can acutely alter my state of consciousness. Keep in mind I take cannabis oil prescribed to me by a doctor, which has strict testing and regulations in place. Because of this, I know exactly how much CBD and THC I’m getting. Depending on where you live, however, this may not be the case for you (e.g. USA). You’re probably taking more THC than what your product claims and even heavy metals and contaminants, even if you buy yours legally. The good news is when your support system is fortified and constantly improving, cannabis can definitely be used in positive ways. And by positive, I don’t just mean getting high and mellowing out, I also mean facing parts of yourself you don’t want to face and bringing up traumas you didn’t know existed. —- Here’s a story of a kid who used it immaturely, which ultimately led to his own suicide. This scenario, while rare, is not impossible: https://www.rmpbs.org/blogs/rocky-mountain-pbs/mother-is-desperate-to-warn-others-about-the-harms-of-thc-concentrates/

I wonder what the percentages are for or against the ban for women in the US are, I’m guessing it’s over 80% against, political suicide

why I won’t commit suicide. unless I have a chronic terminal illness and am totally non-functioning. beyond just the harm it would cause my loved ones possibility one: spirituality is true . which would mean that I am an immortal soul who willingly choss to incarnate as a human . suicide would be completely counterproductive , and I’d probably just want to come back to finish my mission anyway. possibility two: the materialist perspective, which I havent completely deconstructed yet. life is a one time thing, and when I die I will literally cease to exist so basically nothing could be bad enough to prematurely end my existence. either way, whether I like it in the moment or not, here I am. it basically doesn’t matter how bad my depression gets, I’m still gonna fight and keep growing.

Martyrs (Pascal Laugier) is a very very brutal but deep film about extreme suffering and trancendence. Thanks to @LSD-Rumifor the recommendation. We shouldn't forget that in this world there exist states of suffering where having the option of suicide would be pure heaven..

He has been charged with human trafficking in continued form, rape in continued form, and forming an organized criminal gang. It's been two months. Here are the charges for Andrew and Tristan. Second set of charges are incoming soon. These charges one could be the biggest blow by far for Team Tate since it's expected to be about 1) Minor Trafficking. 2) Money laundering. 3) Favouring the perpetrators. 4) Influencing statements. Imagine even being investigated for trafficking minors for making pornographic content. It's so over. Any public figure that even remotely supports him is not going to judged well. It's so bad, like supporting J.Epstein. Nothing short of reputational suicide. Not even close. The court evaluated the brothers net worth to be 10 mill. That's the total assets for two people as found by the court. At best there were a few months where he earned a lot from HU, around a couple of millions/month. He was putting a facade for the most part. Highly likely that he rented his planes and yacht. To remain truly neutral requires a lot of work. Giving Tate the benefit of doubt is not being neutral. There hasn't been any competent authority speaking up for Tate's opposition. He had unanimous control over the narrative.

Don't pretend like you know anything about me besides what you see on an internet forum. Also respect is earned, not given. Not supporting ideas where people harm themselves is actually pretty kind and helpful, as opposed to enabling it. Like a lot of people here you seem to be more concerned with placating feelings and making rainbows, than having the stomach to talk about difficult things. So much wasted time spinning in circles on drivel like a low consciousness idiot, instead of putting ourselves and feelings aside to get at important things. Consider it might actually be you who doesn't respect women. Let me know how happy and fulfilled she is 5 years from now in a cat filled apartment because no worthy guy she's attracted to in their right fucking mind would commit to someone with a self-inflicted terrible past. It's so kind of you to encourage that kind of self-suicide. Have fun with that. Adios!

I mean he just uses his most pessimistic (potential) deductions mostly as a way to ruminate. As he considers for several reasons that the benefit/risk ratio of his libidinal agenda (sex, love, friendships, professional success, etc. and recognition in general) is too weak, he prefers to synthesize and fixate on a reality where he can recognize himself as the victim/hero. That's why psychedelics and SSRIs (serotonergics) or antipsychotics work well to suppress rumination, they suppress libido and therefore all attack "tricks" to avoid his dissatisfaction and therefore possible psychotic turns, including idealization of suicide. "olala god is mean because this is..." -> post on actualized.org -> "I am the victim/hero who denounces the evil god who does this that" -> recognition (illusory) as a hero/victim . Bonus: Ban because bothers everyone on the forum -> "I'm the hero/victim who denounces God and who gets banned because the others don't want to see the reality blablabla" (second benefit). Without going into details (anyway I'm lazy lol), it's basically one of the most ubiquitous atavisms in humans. It does not contradict the materialist paradigm Your brain (or if you prefer "entity that perceives objective reality") could simply have been wrong (hallucinating). The proof would be that you could have taken a photo or something like that, which is not the case.

@UnlovingGod so for a suicide attempt they isolated you for several months in a psychiatric hospital? It seems like a recipe to go crazy irreversibly

I had a suicide attempt after two and a half years of deep constant suffering without any pause. At the end my health wasn't at risk, but I got transported to a psychiatric hospital. And it's a hellish experience. There are People that get psychotic breaks, start to feel like snakes throwing glass bottles. When you enter there, you don't have any guarantee to leave this place. The doctors and psychologist leave you in the dark. Then you ask the people around you, how long they were kept there. Some months, some years and then it starts being a terrible mind game against those, who look after you. You feel like crying, but you can't cry, because there is no privacy, everybody is watching you and you want to give a good impression. You don't have Internet, you are completely isolated from the outside world. There is no garden, the only fresh air, you may get, is, when you want to smoke a cigarette. So I started smoking. I couldn't even see trees, but at least I wanted to experience the fresh air coming through the windows. When you don't have any social support from friends and families, even if you have just a mild diagnosis, you'll be there for various months. The doctors don't care about you, they don't even make diagnosis. Just shut up and don't make a scene or you'll be there for ever and there is no law preventing this as you are isolated and literally declared as mentally ill. This wasn't a psychiatric hospital in North Korea, it was in Munich, Germany. I don't want to imagine, what it's like in other places. So please to the people considering suicide, more likely than not, those will be your consequences.

Explain yourself. It is never easy to understand why someone attempts suicide.. and the reasons are varied and complex. Often suicide involves emotional or physical pain that someone finds to be unbearable and leaves them feeling as if there is no escape.

@Leo Gura I have the same thoughts regarding suicide. Its like You still have an attachment for life . Killing the body is no guarantee of less suffering t. That’s a projection-based story you’re telling yourself. Do you want to deal with suffering in an existence you understand and can control..or are you feeling lucky and ready to gamble? It’s all just a guessing game really.

Keep in mind that Tolle was at levels of suffering where he was on the brink of killing himself. That kind of suffering, in itself, will teach you many powerful lessons. But it's also quite dangerous to go that far. There's no guarantee you won't just kill yourself rather than awaken. So hoping to copy Tolle's path is likely to end in disaster. I would rather you guys don't go down that path. Which is why we're having this discussion. You have to really consider the cost paid to attain certain spiritual attainments. The suffering and risk to attain it might not be worth it. Or at least it's something you should seriously contemplate. Because the way most people frame it is like this: I will do some peaceful meditation and awaken like Tolle. But they leave out the insane suffering which was essential to his path. If you consider the Buddha's story, his suffering was also very intense. So you have to ask yourself, how much suffering am I willing to endure in order to reach the so-called end of suffering? And what if I endure all that suffering and never reach the end? There is probably some correlation between how deeply you suffer and how deeply you awaken, such that the really deep awakenings cost so much in suffering that very few people end up paying that price. And many people who end up paying the price but never awakening. Cause there's no guarantees that your suffering will turn out as well as Tolle or the Buddha. It could just turn into a typical hellish life and suicide.

@Buck Edwards Honesty: Wouldn’t you rather have a simple policy than a complicated one? Your current perspective is not a workable approach. This results in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Either way you are damned. Truth hides from no one. So, when you introduce lies, you are hiding your amazing qualities, and limiting your abilities and getting weaker and weaker, and becoming useless and failing in life. You are willingly committing spiritual and mental suicide. Why? Because someone says a bunch of words, that you attach hurtful meanings? Don’t look to the past. Let the past pass. Do you know what the mind is? It is simply a diary. A record of everything that you lost. Nothing more, it is designed to limit you, to inhibit you, to incapacitate you, to paralyze you. To destroy you. The past is all composed of lies, death… nonexistence. Your incredibly powerful consciousness recreates the energy(pictures) of the past and creates a perpetual hell for you. That is what hell is, you know. The past. You then bring it to shape your present and future. Your future is damnation. What is the antidote? Mental toughness. What is mental toughness? The ability to handle the energy of the past, the voices that tell you to stop, the voices of doubt, fear, regret, failure. The voices that tell you can’t succeed. The voices that make excuses and justifications. Fighting through the sickness, the disease, the discomforts that come your way. Mental toughness is the solution. You do that by making constant improvements in your life. It is by validating your improvements and making it your life mission to keep improving, no matter what. Massive action is the key here. It is the gradual realization and development of your near unlimited potential. A good way to start is with your fitness goals. If you are not improving, you are sliding down into the abyss. SD orange is right about one thing. Achievements is the grease of life; it loosens the friction and make life worth living. First you want to achieve the status of winner, and you want to be able to win and lose with the same level of enthusiasm. Have the mentality that you can't lose, because losing is giving up and you are determined to never give up. When your purpose is strong, you are strong, and you care much less about what people think... what most people think is full of shit anyway. Sorry for the pep talk. I usually don’t bother with the motivational stuff. I leave the motivational stuff to people like Tony Robbins or the like. It’s your life. You are source. Use your life as you choose. I am moving on from this topic. P.S. As for your police example. Know your rights. Study the constitution/Bill of Rights. Or your countries law. You generally are not obligated to speak to the police in the interest of being able to defend yourself in the court of law, fair trial and not incriminate yourself.

It seems to have really helped this dude, even though he was on the verge of suicide prior to taking it.

Do you expect healing to be all positive and flowering singing kumbayá? Think again. It could be as hard as a literally exorcism, talking from experience. My only observation about this guy which I followed when he post it, is that this was his first ever psychedelic, so yeah it was expected to be insanely intense. He was thinking if I recall well to do suicide because he tried to heal from non-psychedelics options so this was his final option.

Trumps campaign manager just tried to kill himself. Are things unraveling for Trump? Two major hits on the same day. https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/27/politics/brad-parscale-hospitalized/index.html

I, as most of you, went trough life geniuenly believing in Materialism and Evolution. Never ever would I have believed I could potentially have psychotic tendencies until a random Thursday in March Corona year 2020 dramatically changed my life when I had an existential crisis and a severe emotional breakdown. My heart felt like someone stabbed one thousand knives into it and murdered me. The reason was I felt so utterly alone, bored, abandoned and pointless in my own existence that my ego committed suicide and ever since then I have ZERO ACCESS to my geniuene emotions. My perception changed 100%. Everything looked evil and dead all of a sudden. Around this time I stumbled upon Leo who then told me "You are God". This information went straight to my heart and it clicked, but I was terrified and couldn't really do much with this information so I abandoned it, it always stuck with me though. ........................... What do you think happens when someone can literally not feel anything for years on end? Well you guessed at some point I became literally insane. My ego did not only "commit suicide" it fucking went insane, nuts. At some point I saw 666 everywhere daily. Leo was the antichrist, I could see horns grow out of his skull. Every spiritual guru was the devil trying to lure me into falsehood. In fact, the devil had already killed me by making me commit the eternal sin of Blaspheming the Spirit. I geniuenly believed that by the end of a certain year the world would go literally under and aliens would come down to kill and torture all of us. I thought I would get crucified upside down. I was scared of looking in the sky. At some point I tasted rotten flesh on my tongue. I was fucking dead. Or so I thought. .............. On one hand I had the "evidence" that this was happening because I kept seeing the signs everywhere continually. On the other hand it felt so fucking stupid. How could creation ever kill the creator? Was God fucking evil? I constantly thought that this must be total garbage. At some point I broke down wheeping, l told all of this my christian ex boyfriend. I gave him so much evidence yet he would not believe me. "God cannot die nor commit suicide" he would say. Then, I smoked cannabis by chance and out of nowhere I thought "What if I am just dreaming? I am God. I am trolling myself to realize who I am. Infinity" The hallucinations stopped, just like that. I was in three institutions due to this condition, no therapy in the world could ever help me. Truth did. I have hope. I can breathe again. I am free. I can heal myself and achieve literally anything I want. TDLR: I just trolled myself to realize who I am. It worked. Also, mental illness will make your awakening shit.

Because human is largely skewed to allow access to important peaks of enjoyment, of "small death of the ego" only in the event of reproduction. But fundamentally the libido is independent of the sexual act and omnipresent at some basal level. Eating, smoking, crying, laughing, playing sports, being jealous of someone, being melancholy, being sad, doing housework, reading etc etc, all of this is in one way or another the expression of libidinal tension and emotions are totally the translation. I believe that if you were really unable to experience emotions you would not be on Actualized but rather died of suicide/anorexia, or in a psychiatric hospital. Your profile picture shows someone sad and melancholic, which is not an expression of apathy at all.

@Salvijus I'm also trying to listen to the old testament. It has a lot of wisdom except for some laws I guess which are boring to listen to. It is all boring. My communication is dumn and I don't remember what I hear to repeat to other people which is my flaw. I might be on the path, but I'm still not gonna let go of suicide, nor am I sure that I am on a path to a job. My rep is tarnished and my health I guess. It's just that I won't be able to make it anywhere, especially living where I live in peace and health. I want to walk a path to heaven, but man, it is not meant. Obviously God has to have some sense of social justice and Marxism, otherwise I'm never going to heaven.

@Schizophonia but don't you remeber when they banned them in the 60 cause people were getting too happy and peaceful not too insane. The insanity alcohol causes is just as bad and self destructive. Alcohol is a ticking time bomb. First you start to have fun then it goes to people only like me when I'm drunk. Then no one likes me so I drink alone to suicide . People don't need drugs they need a place in their mind that gives them peace. Alcohol does that for a short period of time but is very destructive. Mushroom can do that for you permanently and can't be taxed.

Does Leo expect marriages and households to crumble on the path to awakening? Will Leo have children? If Leo expects us to face insanity and even flirt with the risk of suicide (plugging DMT), will a relationship survive these strains? Thanks

All relationships and your identification with them will need to be seriously deconstructed if want to understand higher / deeper truths. No way can your current way of relating to reality survive or be maintained at these higher states of consciousness (no, I’m not talking about suicide being the answer). Furthermore, not willing to explore beyond your current paradigm is what keeps you stuck; there’s a bountiful amount of defense mechanisms that prevent you from doing so in the first place. Unlike with some other spiritual traditions, the work we’re doing is not about avoiding relationships, nor is it about merely improving current ones and striving to making them peaceful and “perfect” based on others’ standards. Instead, what we’re after is having a profound and intuitive understanding of what any and all relationships fundamentally are. We need to be very clear on how they shape our worldview and identity. This is not going to happen automatically and effortlessly, hence why it can appear to feel like “dying”.