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@Razard86 both. Sometimes they happen passively. Sometimes they are intrusive and unwanted but I get the idea of acting on them anyway. Other times I just feel horribly depressed because I feel trapped and unable to address several complex life problems as if it is reflective of my self worth and objective value as a human being. Other times like yesterday my family brings up unresolved past conflicts in which my vulnerability was capitalized on to humiliate me while treating the situation like a joke or harmless teasing. These memories then got stuck in my head again as I became afraid of future harm like my trauma being weaponized against me along with all of the negative assumptions that would be made from the knowledge that I contacted my cousin. My protective instincts are invalidated as I constantly play 4D chess with my family trying to anticipate possible attacks. I recognize that I will be seen as the problem of I express feeling hurt, yet I will be pressured to forgive those who show no remorse and will likely cause future harm. Because of this I started feeling the desire to inflict harm on them. I recognized the kind of thoughts I was having that would obviously backfire. I looked at the person I would become and was ashamed of myself. I therefore said, fuck it, I should just kill myself to eliminate my desire to harm others. That is when I pulled out a kitchen knife and then hesitated because I didn't know which way to cut myself and considered what would happen to me after a likely failed suicide attempt. I probably should have called 988 because I was having both suicidal and homicidal thoughts, but I didn't call. Of course homicide is obviously bad because there's no way in hell I can get away with something like that rather than suicide by jumping off of a bridge in which my death prevents punishment. That is why I prefer suicide over homicide. Any therapist would try to convince my family it wasn't their fault no matter how much harm they caused me to make them feel better about themselves. That way the harm would be minimal due to these fictions and controlled narratives. Other times my suicidal thoughts are related to things like purpose, trauma, family drama, career struggles, and things of that nature along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, autism, and whatever neurological disorders I have. I protect myself from acting on these thoughts by recognizing that although my family does not see my value, I see my value and my potential to do good for humanity. This value would be lost if I killed myself and became another statistic. I have helped others in life transforming ways. If I can make it through this, then the value I provide the world will likely prevent many more suicides. I have saved others from suicide before by combining all of my research with psychology and spirituality, making me deeply insightful and wise for those struggling with these kinds of thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself though and my problems can't be solved through more wisdom and knowledge. That might be why I start complaining about life on this forum instead. Personal development was meant to help me actualize my true value as I find new purpose. Thanks you.

The two paths to God.....mental suicide, or physical suicide. I'd suggest the mental suicide. True Deconstruction of the Ego is literally torture. It destroys your sense of control to reveal that the human vessel has been controlled by God this whole time and any control given to the ego was an allowance by God. This ego then realizes everything it ever accomplished was only by God's allowance, and realizes all issues it has with life it must take to God. It must learn to forgive itself, forgive life, and ultimately to forgive God as God is itself and how can it not love itself and accept itself. This path will deal with crazy, madness, possible psychosis and hallucinations. As you dissolve the boundary between the physical and mental to realize it is all mental you embrace what you consider evil, and even seek it out to reach greater acceptance. This is the path of the MADMAN, the CRAZY LOVER. God is a lover of Infinite Separation and Unification. WHAT MADNESS!!!! Take this for example: This was you, and this was me....look at what we did!!! Tell me God is not crazy from the egos perspective!!! Its like why would you allow this? Answer? Because God wants itself to discover true love without being forced into it. Sigh.....Since we are everything...WE DID THIS!!! Do you like your reflection?

You got it!!! Don't forget its also completely in love with itself, and has no barriers on what it is willing to create and experience. What helps me understand God more deeply is that God loves everything so much because it loves limitless creativity. This means it loves Genocide, discrimination, torture, suicide, insults, weakness, crying, despair. As a human ego coming to terms with THAT is when you really go deep. The funniest thing is when you discover even God thinks its evil. God allows all perspectives, and honors all perspectives, so when God as a human calls God a Devil God accepts that unconditionally.

Rumi is absolutely authentic. Where Rumi said that reality is nothing? Show. Do you compare Rumi whit a clown as Osho or Krishnamurti? Don't you see the difference? I think that you see, it's too obvious Krishnamurti over all is wonderful, it's a real artist of the fake. Osho is totally narcissist, very smart, maybe a genius, not maybe , a genius, but closed to the real source. He feeds of attention, is oxygen to him, and his mashamadi was just suicide with drugs , because was a man who suffered Don't be naive, the world is full of devils. Being open is not the same than being idiot 🤣

I made this a year or two ago. It still holds up pretty well. This is just another angle to view suicide from which might be helpful. Suicide- Should We Do It? (Explaining the Existential Danger of Suicide to Society)

After i've heard about the recent suicide incident from a member of this forum i wonder isn't Mahasamdhi a form of suicide? Leo in your Outrageous Experiment video you've talked about how tempting it was to accept the call for leaving your body. Isn't that a form of suicide like jumping off a bridge?

Physical pain exists .no question about it. Suffering is the story of "why me ?" .."poor little me ".."why is life such a bitch ".."why my life sucks " .etc I always say ..pain is inevitable..but suffering is optional . You can actually train yourself to not feel suffering when you feel pain . It's just a sensation .it doesn't mean anything really . Poke your skin with a needle and feel the pain but notice that it doesn't really mean you should construct a story aka suffering around this meaningless sensation. Suffering exists only in the mind .pain in the body .you can't get rid of your body (except via suicide).. but you can get rid of your mind by questioning it to death . As long as you are not totally destroyed as a mind ..there is no hope for you to escape suffering.

Hello, I thought I might share a write-up Reconstructing Meaning, which delves into how updating our sensemaking narratives to be more flexible, compassionate, and expansive is a promising path for addressing the societal Meaning Crisis that's feeding fascism. ____________________________________________________________ The Need For Reconstructive Epistemology To appreciate the need for reconstructive epistemology, we can ask what happens when a culture’s foundational narratives become maladaptive. When institutions calcify against change, their legitimizing stories erode, leaving a society unmoored. Without a more expansive and compassionate story to take its place, the resulting abyss breeds monsters - darker narratives that feed on alienation, fear, and resentment. Weaponized nostalgia for a lost world has bred some of the darkest chapters in human history, from the Ku Klux Klan to Hitler’s Germany to contemporary Christian Nationalism. What’s crucial to understand here is that these constructed narratives aren’t just stories - they’re the invisible scaffolding that holds civilization together, transforming millions of strangers into a functional society through shared forms of meaning and identity. To understand why we need such narratives at all, let’s trace their emergence in human social evolution. These binding narratives became essential once populations grew beyond what hunter-gatherer bonds could sustain. Just as bees are adapted for a hive and wolves for a pack, human sociality evolved within a tribe - where everyone knows everyone else through face-to-face interactions and extended kinship. While living among a sea of strangers is something we’ve come to take for-granted, a ‘tribe’ of millions would have been an unthinkable contradiction for our ancestors. The evolutionary fingerprint of our tribal origins persists in modern humans - we can only maintain meaningful face-to-face relationships with about 150 individuals, a limit known as Dunbar's number. To bridge this gap, we developed social-technologies that would allow interactions with strangers to become a routine part of life. Chief among these was the creation of constructed social identities - shared stories that sustain social trust without requiring face-to-face bonds or kinship ties. These narratives aren't merely cultural artifacts - they're the foundation that makes modern society possible. Human rights, democracy, money, and science are constructed narratives that built the modern world. If people stopped believing in them they would cease to exist, yet calling them ‘imaginary’ is to miss how they shape our material reality. Despite their appearance of stability within a human life, these constructed narratives inevitably break down - through internal contradictions, mounting external pressures, or both. We'll call this process Construct Collapse. While civilizations can and do collapse entirely, our focus here is on societies that endure a narrative breakdown. In these cases, the void will be filled, one way or another. Construct Collapse itself isn’t positive or negative - its impact depends entirely on what replaces the fallen narrative. Very few people today would openly argue that the collapse of narratives that supported slavery was a bad thing. On the flip side, totalitarian ideologies which exploit Construct Collapse during states of crisis demonstrate its inherent dangers - as Nazism’s rise from the trauma of World War 1 and the austerity of the Great Depression make painfully clear. It’s a lesson we may have to live through again, as today’s democracies find themselves under the assault of authoritarianism from within and without. Between these extremes of clear benefit and catastrophic harm, Construct Collapse typically creates more ambiguous outcomes - addressing existing problems while introducing unforeseen consequences. Consider Friedrich Nietzsche's famous declaration that 'God is dead, and we have killed him.' He was describing the displacement of organized religion as the foundation of meaning in Western life. Writing amidst the rapid changes of 19th century Europe, he foresaw how traditional cultural narratives would become increasingly untenable, swept aside by the forces of modernity - science, industrialization, and secular values. His warning was tat existential needs for meaning and purpose aren’t so easily excised. And that in lieu of suitable replacements, cynicism, despair, and empty consumerism would rush to fill the void. While his proposed solution - moving 'beyond good and evil' to pursue individual will regardless of ethical consequences - was deeply toxic, Nietzsche correctly diagnosed the looming crisis. In our own era, we find ourselves amid what cognitive scientist John Vervaeke has termed the 'Meaning Crisis.' Its symptoms are evident in the widespread adoption of conspiracy theories, political extremism, and bullshit in public discourse. The cumulative effect has been nothing short of disastrous for the civil society that sustains democracy. Social media platforms, whose business models push user engagement through divisive, inflammatory content, have only accelerated this decline. While these may seem like recent problems, they're an intensification of profit-driven media's long history of exploiting social fragmentation for private gain. Amongst this rising polarization, we’re facing an unprecedented mental health crisis in the West - millions are feeling alienated, lonely, and displaced. In the United States, 'deaths of despair' - through suicide and substance abuse - have driven a decline in life expectancy. An unfolding ecological crisis, poised to reshape human civilization over the upcoming century, is deepening this collective trauma. A global resurgence in fascism has been ruthlessly exploiting this trauma, promising to make our societies ‘great’ again while worsening the very crises it feeds upon. This cumulative upheaval weighs heaviest on young people, where profound anxiety and despair about the world they’ll be inheriting is commonplace (here in the United States, a shared meme among Millenials and Gen Z is that our retirement plan is to die from climate change before old age). Gen Alpha, our youngest generation, has never known a world before today’s hyper-polarized dysfunction. Amid skyrocketing inequality, basic milestones of adult life - buying a home, starting a family, saving for retirement - have become impossible dreams for most. Yet economic and political dysfunction flows downstream from culture. While these material factors are very real, we’re also facing something deeper: an epistemological crisis in the West, with different segments of society no longer inhabiting the same Reality. Beyond different interpretations over basic facts that we can more or less agree upon, reaching a foundational consensus for productive disagreements has become nearly impossible. The rise of artificial intelligence is poised to deepen these epistemic rifts even further. These developments poison our ability to cultivate shared understanding. As this crisis deepens, our social dysfunction will only worsen - making epistemological literacy more important now than ever before. Of course, no epistemology - Enactivism included - can be a silver bullet for this crisis. What perspectives like this can offer is greater self awareness around our sensemaking narratives. Enactivism is reconstructive because it acknowledges that constructed narratives play an essential role in meeting our individual and collective needs, while recognizing that some constructions serve us better than others. And the path forward lies in narratives that are flexible, compassionate, and inclusive. In sum: reconstructive epistemology isn’t about returning to the ‘good old days’ of a romanticized past. The framework we’re proposing offers no quick-fixes for complex problems. Nor is it meant to be a dogmatic, one-size-fits-all approach. Rather, Enactivism is meant to exist in dialogue with other epistemological perspectives - not because all views are equally valid, but because the perspective if offers is true but partial.

I don't agree with this. What you mentioned, except for depression and PTSD are physical ailments of the body. People will go through a physical ailment with more strength than a mental incapacitation. You mentioned depression; that can be caused from a feeling of loneliness. Many tines I've heard, especially men, say if they had the courage to they would kill themselves over not having a gf or an intimate partner. In fact, many probably do. The fact that it's been said indicates that it's probable that some have. Old people committing suicide is also on the rise because of loneliness. All their friends and family died off leaving them all alone. That's just one reason. I find people will fight their diseases quicker than to deal with the crippling effect of feeling lonely. That feeling usually comes after many attempts to avoid it and then the hopelessness kicks in after they've exhausted their attempts. People can still feel lonely being around others. It's because it's not the lack of others that's causing it, it's the mind's interpretation of what it's like to not feel lonely. When that's not met, people or no people will still bring on the effects.

On this forum, I noticed Leo make a post suggesting that most people don't do the work. Most of us use Leo to deepen our self deception. I decided to use this as a point of self reflection. I did some of the work like doing the life purpose course and getting the book list. There are other things I likely don't do enough of. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I am advanced just because I listen to someone advanced. I actually care about truth on some level, hence I do a lot of self education, researching, reading, analyzing and observing myself and developing insights, and so forth. Sometimes I question if I value the truth enough. I try to force myself not to be in denial wherever I can, but perhaps I can not simply will my way to the truth like I can't will my way out of depression. There were times I used the ideas presented by you to form distorted views about politics and relationships such as my post about incest in which I tried to cover my shame around actual incest. Originally, I got into this work because spirituality and personal development gave me hope in creating a better life for myself. I became confused about my purpose because I wanted to be a professional chess player, but there was no clear path to achieve this. I was hoping to find a new purpose but I often still feel lost and confused. That all said, I have a plan in place for changing my life. I came to this conclusion while in treatment for three months over mental health and medication issues. My family still denies they need mental help even though mom threatened suicide, so there is not much I can do for them. After I move to Kentucky, I am going to set up a daily schedule along with annual goals. I want to explore a new career path in creative writing instead of chess. During this time I will be with the other side of the family with whom I have a healthier relationship. For work at the job I still hate, I will have around 25 hours a week to make sure I don't have constant and daily suicidal thoughts which still occur throughout the week. Unfortunately, no amount of therapy and antidepressant medication can solve This problem. This will also give me enough free time to work on myself and meet the annual goals, or likely surpass them. I plan to run this one year experiment to see if my life improves. It was recommended that I continue therapy. I will try, but I have doubts. My therapists have recommended dating despite having severe depression. They think I am lonely and they want to challenge my OCD around the opposite sex because they think I would be a decent boyfriend despite my conflicted feelings about sex due to past incest and my fear of ending up like mom and dad in a dysfunctional hell hole from which I can't escape. I don't see how this solves the suicidal thoughts though. Maybe one day I will realize I have no choice but to start my own business in order to have a decent living. You mentioned things like marketing in your wage slavery video. Living a passionless life with work you hate is too much suffering for me to bare. Maybe I have no choice but to do some other type of work I hate, but one which will make enough money for me to retire sooner so I can actually follow my passions and interests. As it stands my career interests are often impractical and complicated to actualize. This is part of where I got stuck in the life purpose course along with choosing a medium. You can respond to this with any thoughts or suggestions if you want. It would be appreciated, but you're a busy guy, so it's not guaranteed.

@Leo Gura I would like to use this post as something to contemplate. I did some of the work like doing the life purpose course and getting the book list. There are other things I likely don't do enough of. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I am advanced just because I listen to someone advanced. I actually care about truth on some level, hence I do a lot of self education, researching, reading, analyzing and observing myself and developing insights, and so forth. Sometimes I question if I value the truth enough. I try to force myself not to be in denial wherever I can, but perhaps I can not simply will my way to the truth like I can't will my way out of depression. There were times I used the ideas presented by you to form distorted views about politics and relationships such as my post about incest in which I tried to cover my shame around actual incest. Originally, I got into this work because spirituality and personal development gave me hope in creating a better life for myself. I became confused about my purpose because I wanted to be a professional chess player, but there was no clear path to achieve this. I was hoping to find a new purpose but I often still feel lost and confused. That all said, I have a plan in place for changing my life. I came to this conclusion while in treatment for three months over mental health and medication issues. My family still denies they need mental help even though mom threatened suicide, so there is not much I can do for them. After I move to Kentucky, I am going to set up a daily schedule along with annual goals. I want to explore a new career path in creative writing instead of chess. During this time I will be with the other side of the family with whom I have a healthier relationship. For work at the job I still hate, I will have around 25 hours a week to make sure I don't have constant and daily suicidal thoughts which still occur throughout the week. Unfortunately, no amount of therapy and antidepressant medication can solve This problem. This will also give me enough free time to work on myself and meet the annual goals, or likely surpass them. I plan to run this one year experiment to see if my life improves. It was recommended that I continue therapy. I will try, but I have doubts. My therapists have recommended dating despite having severe depression. They think I am lonely and they want to challenge my OCD around the opposite sex because they think I would be a decent boyfriend despite my conflicted feelings about sex due to past incest and my fear of ending up like mom and dad in a dysfunctional hell hole from which I can't escape. I don't see how this solves the suicidal thoughts though. Maybe one day I will realize I have no choice but to start my own business in order to have a decent living. You mentioned things like marketing in your wage slavery video. Living a passionless life with work you hate is too much suffering for me to bare. Maybe I have no choice but to do some other type of work I hate, but one which will make enough money for me to retire sooner so I can actually follow my passions and interests. As it stands my career interests are often impractical and complicated to actualize. This is part of where I got stuck in the life purpose course along with choosing a medium. You can respond to this with any thoughts or suggestions if you want. It would be appreciated, but you're a busy guy, so it's not guaranteed.

Literally Thomas Campbell. There are wackos, but you will not know about them because what you know is what is popular and mainstream. But yeah, it is rare because you are asking for someone to master two totally different and even adversarial domains. It's like you're asking why there are no hippie vegans working in a butchershop, or woke pacificst progressives working in the Navy Seals. Mastering quantum physics requires 10 years of academic PhD training. And by the time you have invested that much time and money, speaking about God will just get you blacklisted as an unscientific crackpot who no one in academia should ever read, hire, fund, or work with. It would be career suicide. And that 10 years of training will brainwash you so deeply with materialism that you will never understand God. And it's not like a new theory of quantum physics would be accessible to you or any laymen. So you would find it unsatisying too.

Today I made the realization that murder and suicide could be regarded as the same thing as they are both the killing of an avatar by an avatar within the universal consciousness with the delusion-based intention of one avatar's ego to reduce or take away the avatar's cause suffering. However in both cases there is survival of this consciousness. In both cases the killer commits a crime against oneself. This led me to think that as in many stage orange centered countries, people who attempted suicide often receive (often obligatory) mental health help. I think the same should be done for people who have committed murder. I think people rarely commit murder because they are truly happy, often “criminals” suffer from a methylation disorder, which can often be fixed with nutrition. I think it would be valuable to put them in Norwegian style ”prisons”, not with the intent to punish (one can only punish themselves after all), but with a very high focus on mental health care and individualized testing, supplementation, diet, meditation, exercise and addiction recovery (including smoking, gaming, etc.). Also perhaps a focus on developing a musical, or artistic skill, at least for me this is very helpful for my mental health. I'm interested to see different points of view.

I hope kids will learn their rights as an individual you shouldn’t be forced to practice a religion but unfortunately America doesn’t see children as individuals or people. they see children as lesser or servants, etc. you’re not suppose to back talk, you’re not supposed to say you don’t want to. to me this is gross and I feel bad for the kids. school should be a safe place. And it’s increasingly becoming more of a hostile place. with school shootings and then alongside shoving the Bible down children’s throats. :// I doubt this is going to benefit them. And depression and anxiety in children might even sky rocket. Not to mention suicide from lgbtqia. I know not all teachers are the same however. my teacher for an example was a very safe place to be queer, and I was able to forget about the problems that was going on at home. And just be a kid. it wasn’t until high school did I encounter a teacher like her, but if the teachers can’t be a good example I’m praying that the kids have good friends to lean and depend on. community is everything.

Everything is just too good to be true. Imagine the escape to painless eternity from a reality that is indifferent and fundamentally negative being just a simple action. Suicide, regardless of what you think about it, is like Christ. A Christ you know for a fact* is real.

^ Basically Russia denies Ukraines right to free determination and existence, history etc. And Israel does the same with Palestine. Russia is like the hurt ex husband. Gosh you slutty Ukraine why you want to be closer with the west, am i not good enough? Am i too ugly? Now i‘m committing femicide or even better murder suicide.

When I was 18 I had already dropped out of school and planned to live alone in nature for for the rest of my life. I had friends and family members I discontinued talking to abruptly and left to Australia, half a world away. Everyone said either they were jelous or that I needed help but I didn't have any room to consider any other option or feeling. I was going to die in nature one way or another, I had many girlfriends by then and I had been high from everything a teenager could have wanted, I was the king before I lost my mind researching all things mysticism and supernatural enlightenment. One day out of the blue I was chosen to live a great life full of wisdom. I denounced everything I ever experienced and began my life as a safe at age 17. It killed me to live in some small town where everything was the same for everyone. Nobody was on my level. I became vegan and flew off to the jungle without notifying anyone. Fuck my parents and fuck everyone, you are all pieces of shit and guilty for the grunt survival of millions, I was going to learn how to become God himself and show everyone what nature in the mind can really achieve. I would have astral projections, I began seeing demons and angels, In my mind I have killed both and became incredibly sensitive to compassion and what freedom entails. As of right now I have lived alone for 8 years wandering the globe exposed to the suffering of the homeless as well as the severe elements so I am strong physically and mentally. I have drank from a finest cup and smoked the best narcotics at this point. I am detached from any notion of place or time. Once I gave all of my thoughts to a lady and she believed were were eternally inseperable. 5 years of denial. I now have SSI from suicidal hospitalizations where I absolutely played the system. The only thing I do now besides meditate is listen to mystical melodic instrumentals and create rock paintings, where I can talk to my higher self in terms of gratitude for the smallest incling of non dual experience. Due to drugs I my dopeamine levels are nearly non existent. I don't need food anymore, I survive on connection to the world. I am. I may die but it is not by my allowance and that's okay. I am content being a homeless non contributing piece of shit. And I may learn how to thank myself through you one day. That's all.

Let them all suffer immensely. All of them absolutely deserve it and will pay a price that they can't even begin to comprehend: Many of them have essentially committed suicide and they won't ever know that until they ultimately meet their doom.

I've not experienced the suicide of a friend, but once with a classmate. Be gentle with yourself, take time and space to just be with your feelings if needed. Talk to supportive family members or friends if you can.

Okay to suicide? Are we killing ourself? // There are traces of my s still but there are no traces of me. Is this dangerous ? Or is this not dangerous? I have one old enrich number which, the two last digit of it is equal to my now phone number. But , I have forgotten my email password for this since last year. And today without thinking much about it , I created a new one. I have been holding it on because I don't wanna create a new one. Usually, even though I have forgotten my email I can still use my enrich to book flights because my mom would do it for me. She only needs my number so I don't have have my own apps/account. So I would still use that old number to travel. But now, I did things by myself. Even though I've been withholding myself today I didn't think about it and made it. So today I got a new number which is , not equal to my now phone number even though this card had been made 2decade ago? Idk. My latest phone number is just from last year. And it had the same last digit as this old enrich number. Am I dying? It is so depressing looking at this. That was me who did that.

Wow, glad to hear you came back from the deep, end and made it back. Thank you for sharing. I'm thinking about doing a 5-meo-DMT ceremony again. And ask God its possible to get my leg motorics back to work. But I have to wean off of the medications first. By the way, I also think that suffering can be a gift from God, but then I ask myself what is won with this gift, if it leads to suicide. I want to ask that as well.

İ am very sorry what you went through brother. I hope you are doing well right now and recover as soon as possible. İ was one of the top model in NY. After work, i had sudden heart pain in my heart. Doctors told me that my aort walve is ripped and i have to go to open heart surgery asap. They gave me 30 percent change to survive. Now i have a mechanical walve, use cumodin, and have pacemaker (i had to stop working out, my job, my entire career). Year later, my dad passed away at 54. Next month i had a grandma's seizure. Now i am on keppra too. These happened between 2015-2017. That's how my spiritual journey started. İ was suicidal, depressed, have no job and no money etc... As you. Than i started to question why i am in this world and what is the purpose of life. İ was watching Leo's videos and about to suicede at that time. When i see his video about shrooms, i started to consume dry shrooms and have pychedelic trips. However, my suicidal depression wasn't gone. One day, i was about to suicede and at that time watched the video heroic dose of shrooms which is 5 gr (if you take more of them, you can die). Than i decided that, either i will suicide or take 10 gr dried shrooms, because, i was going to suicide anyway, these 2 actions will kill me. But, I have last chance to life with consuming the shrooms (but I took the risk to die, because my another option was suicide). After my trip i died anyway. However, I came back almost with different DNA, as different person, old James was gone. I do not recommend to anyone to use such heroic doses. So, my story is pretty much as yours. Years later (2022), meditation, contemplation, pychedelic trips, and retreats, I have recognize that the one who experience these stuff is just an so called illusion or fragment / gift of Divine's imagination. So, you are on right track, keep going. You are lucky that you get bunch of suffering. In spirituality, suffering is gift of God. You can PM me if you have any help or for anything.

Hey James, there was a time when I would have said pretty much the same. But listen to this, and tell me the same again. End of last year I got rolled over by a construction truck. I had almost 30 general anaesthetic surgeries, stayed in hospital beds for 6 months, and suffer from life long neuropathic pain and physical disfunction. Over the months of consecutive morphine/fentanyl use in hospital I developed dependency and addiction to said substances, which I only now (14 months later) slowly achieve to taper off. Depression and suicidal fantasies developed alongside as well. Full on suicide attempts included. Thats why I question this Truth = Love paradigm a lot. I'm not taking any word for granted solely, because Leo or some other said so. They say a lot of good and deep stuff, but I need to know for myself. And you really just say the same, but without any deep description or thought process in your statements. So please be welcome to lay out how you just stay out of suffering. Or how deeply you investigated these spiritual truth, if you have, that is.

moonlight radio 2k23ambient shit edit-[AudioTrimmer.com].mp3 made instrumental ambient of my favorite part very anticlimatic and suicide relieving

I just wanted to share my experience with the three mental health centers I've gone to over the past three months. My mental state has improved, but I did not get the help I was looking for. The problem started with my medication. I was given Zyprexa from the last time I was hospitalized due to Prozac. This time the medicine damaged my liver and I was forced to stop taking it. This made me vomit constantly to the point that I could not go to work. I ended up laying in bed feeling trapped, sick, and depressed. I had a hard time eating anything. The first center was called United Recovery Project Behavioral Health. This was located in Florida and my family had a conniption because it sounded like a scam. I contacted this center over a year ago, and they have been calling me back trying to get me to come. They mentioned that my insurance was about to expire which made me think I would miss the opportunity. They said that they would do genetic testing for my medication and get an accurate diagnosis first thing. I decided to go, believing I would be back in time for college. I felt so awful I doubted that I could make it through the Semester anyway. My family was terrified because I never travelled out of the State on my own. It is worth noting that they set me up with a plane ticket without my knowledge. This kind of situation is what I shared with other people in recovery and they compared this behavior to catfishing, especially when it involved broken promises. Manipulation tactics are used to get vulnerable people to come. I felt extreme anxiety throughout this entire process and it would continue for weeks into treatment. I made my way through the airports and eventually made it to Florida. I walked into the recovery center at about 3 in the morning. I took a drug test and was sent to my room with three beds. There was one other man in there. The next day he would tell me that he was gay and he discovered it when his brother sexually abused him. The creepy part is that he thought that I seemed conflicted about my sexuality and he told me I looked beautiful while I was sleeping. I don't know how he figured that out, but I didn't want people watching me sleep. Rather than starting drama, I waited for him to be discharged which was shortly afterwards. I was having suicidal thoughts everyday just like I did before coming to treatment. Rather than attempting to kill myself, I turned myself into the staff. During this time I was having nightmares about a traumatic incident from the past. I could not let it go and it was made worse by severe anxiety. I ended up trying out a bunch of different pills. Eventually I was prescribed an anti psychotic designed for Schizo-affective disorder. This diagnosis was reversed when there was no behavior change and they concluded my behavior was due to autism. This isn't the first time mental health centers thought I was hearing voices as I had conversations with myself. I became fearful of broken promises when I never received an updated diagnosis because the staff told me it would take six months. The staff contradicted each other because the policies were inconsistent, leading to patients feeling like they were lied to. Unfortunately, I discovered that I couldn't count on these centers to keep their promises and I would have to fight them for it. For example, the case manager and therapist were frequently overloaded and had to skip sessions. My therapist was especially problematic. She asked me about my spiritual beliefs and I went into a long monologue about Love, Truth, Consciousness, Non-duality, and so forth. She ended up simplifying my conception of God to the Christian God. She then instructed me to pray to Jesus 10 times a day. I did as I was told and didn't like it. I tried writing my own prayers for God as I understand it. I don't recall Leo ever saying anything about prayer, but I tried. Apparently, I was really good at art therapy because my dream explained how I felt poetically. I drew a black abyss of death with a pool of blood and dead bodies at the bottom. Above the abyss was a light, symbolizing God and the light was connected to me. I also drew a nimbus around myself symbolizing holiness. I often shared lots of insights about spirituality and psychology that came from my research and the books I read on these subjects. Everybody thought I was a genius and believed I could do great things with my life. Meanwhile on the inside I still felt lost and confused about my identity and life purpose. I met a life coach while I was there. He and the therapists suggested that I was using my logical mind a lot and not focusing on my emotional mind. Apparently, this is one of the ways I cope with trauma. The life coach suggested I become a life coach and told me to contact him for further exercises. He never answered and he probably never will. I spent as much time with the life coach as I could because life purpose and identity are at the core of my suicidal thoughts. I tried to use these things to establish a sense of self worth which I lost a long time ago. I tried to get a new place to live in Florida, but the program would not let me because of my history with suicidal thoughts. They wanted me to go back to my family which was a major stressor for me before anyway. I was afraid of starting the cycle all over again. Although I was extremely helpful for other people struggling with God and depression, I struggled to help myself. The second program was Florida Recovery Group. I didn't have suicidal thoughts as frequently as I did before, but I did still strongly considered killing myself. Eventually, I got better and I could go a few days without wanting to die before having a relapse and another episode of depression. Because I had my cell phone back I talked with my family to give them nightly updates. I had some awful interactions with my sister because she was part of the reason I could not tolerate waiting six years to finish college while living with her. This center was helpful because we eventually found a pill combination that allows me to sleep consistently. It also helped through neuro retraining which made my brain more capable of dealing with depression. Unfortunately, I was only a third of the way through before being discharged. For the program I picked actualized videos to watch with the irritating light on the screen that my eyes had to constantly adjust to. I liked the postmodernism one. The most disturbing thing that happened here is that I was being sexually harassed by other men over my virginity. They talked about hiring a prostitute to have sex with me and I interpreted this literally. I tried reporting the men, but I wasn't taken seriously because the staff thought my autism caused the confusion. I ended up calling 988 like I do when I want to die. Eventually the therapist talked with the staff and eventually the men were both kicked out. The actual story is more complicated than that. My family panicked when they saw the hurricane coming up on Florida. It missed me and I didn't die. The final recovery center was disappointing. I was supposed to have a job to manage work stress. Instead I got an extended leave. I wanted help managing triggers for suicidal thoughts, but I didn't get it. Most of the help I got while in these centers came from me doing my own research on psychology, autism, and trauma. I got better of letting go of guilt and shame. My mind feels more clear and present because of what I discovered. I nearly had a suicide attempt by the haunted house which was causing people seizures. I saw it as a self harm method so I turned myself into the staff instead. I think that was the 28th of October where I nearly had a suicide attempt. Throughout the process of these centers I noticed that many of my behaviors were trauma responses. I started trying to change them, but my therapist thinks autism is the biggest obstacle to my recovery due to my rigid mind. This makes it easy for me to get stuck in rumination, depression, and so forth. The other patients still thought I was a genius because of how insightful I was. I have been studying this stuff for a long time because I have been trying to beat depression. Now that I am back home, I recognize behaviors that make me feel depressed. I don't have a desire to die but I am getting intrusive suicidal thoughts when I do certain activities at home. This includes listening to love songs. My therapists think I am lonely and multiple have recommended I try dating. This might be problematic because it is hard to date and be a good boyfriend while depressed. I made a separate post about this. What do you guys think about this attempt to work on myself? I think I got better, but I want to maintain my peace of mind by avoiding things that make me feel depressed. I also want to see if there are other neuro retraining programs for depression.