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Nature loves courage, and responds to it by removing obstacles. That’s something Terence McKenna once said quoting the mushroom. Worth keeping in mind I would also say that this is a very valuable place to be because it is here that the spiritual rubber meets the road. It’s one thing to have nice ideas about oneness and the interconnectedness of all things and maybe have had some peak experiences, but everybody can have that. In these moments however, is when the possibility for real transformation occurs. Because there is a very real sense of fear present with you, now it is not just theoretical anymore, but you are actually afraid of [fill in the blank]. So I would invite you to use this as a doorway into your most deeply held beliefs. Get very introspective and examine it closely. And question EVERYTHING. As long as there is still fear, there is still ego. Not my will, but thy will be done.

@Kksd74628 The word 'Trans' is mostly as a prefix to most other words to add the meaning of 'going beyond' or 'above one or two things'. For example, the word 'transformation' is a modified version of the word 'formation', which means that multiple things form together as a singular formation, or when a single thing 'conforms' to other things in nature, like ant colonies working as one unit, or birds flying in formation. Therefore, the word 'transformation' is adding meaning to formation that's going beyond formation. For example, a caterpillar has a form, and is a formation of other components and compositions, begins it's life small, and then gets bigger as it's eating leaves, until it reforms itself into a shiny chrysalis, or sometimes a silk form, then transforms into a butterfly, which later feeds off of necter and mates with other butterflies, and lays eggs, and restarts the cycle again. So...to me, when someone says they're transgender, their sense of self image that identifies with their biological sex has 'gone beyond' the normal sense of the two gender roles here, as female and male. So, in practice, to me, is that these transgendered people, who are trans-sexual in nature, would look like an asexual person, beyond the constraints of the biological and psychological pulls of sexuality, which is extremely rare in nature. However, the majority of the time when someone says they're a transgender, they're still deeply confused about themselves deep down, and the ego doesn't know what to tether and attach itself to, as a male or as a female because it doesn't have stronger attachments to either gender, so we end up with gender dysphoria in most cases.

I have been undergoing a transformation with the help of Leo's forgiveness video. I am becoming more open to my emotions and I recognize that suppressing them can be very problematic. It can create a lot tension in the body. I rewatched Leo's video on body awareness and he recommended getting a massager. I am trying to relax my body and mind which makes me feel kind of tired. I was looking for a massager, and they looked kind of weird. I tried to get a good a look at the box, but there were security tags, blocking the label. I thought it was some kind of back or shoulder massager. Nobody said anything or judged me for it. Seeing this behavior, I know I don't need to be embarrassed when buying condoms, so in a way it helped me. I brought it home and my family started getting embarrassed. My sisters found it hilarious that I thought it was a back massager. I don't have a girlfriend and it might be a minute before I get one to share this with, so it will have to be returned. I should probably study other examples of sex toys. Should I just order a massage gun or chair off of Amazon?

Alright… so somehow many of my devices that i thought were not working are all of a sudden working now. It’s really wild… my Ipadpro is back alive and I can use this now to continue my Journal. Now that I see how the format looks on a mobile device… I think I’ll just go ahead an type normally. I thought maybe I would have the opportunity to upload images since I’m on a different device, but it’s still unavailable for my account, but it’s ok. I found an older phone of mine that’s resurrected itself too… so this is all good news… lol… I haven’t really wanted to post anything for a year now on my social media accounts, but also I didn’t really have the equipment too either. I’m excited to have an Apple device because of the picture quality… lol… I lost my mini in Peru last year and since I haven’t been up to working for other people I haven’t looked into getting a replacement. I also want to mention a little about my buddy Elvis and the newbie one-eyed Jack. They’ve been interacting more now. I’ve been watching Jack and loving on him and he seems to want to be my shadow lately. Which Elvis is not comfortable with. Elvis doesn’t want to be my shadow, but when he wants my attention… i’m usually there for him. Elvis hisses at Jack to warn him he’s uncomfortable with him around his space, but it doesn’t seem like Jack can hear the hissing. If he’s looking at Elvis then you can see he notices Elvis is not happy and he’s cautious. I noticed while I would approach Jack… I’d get really close to him before he knew I was there and would get startled as if he really can’t hear well or at all. So this little guy is pretty rough and ragged. But as I’m here typing I can see them. There only about three feet from each other and nobody seems to be upset. Jack seems a little dazed most of the time and Elvis is sitting there watching him, but not in an aggressive manner. Yesterday Elvis was on the bed with me and he knew this newbie was right outside the room and he didn’t like it. One time he jumped off the bed and looked as if he was going to approach Jack aggressively and I sternly told Elvis hey there… no… and he stopped… I said Elvis? What are you doing? Come on back here. Jack isn’t doing anything wrong. And it was nice to see he didn’t continue on his pursuit and returned to the bed. My little guy is a scaredy cat and thinks everything is out to get him. But I want him to be more friendly to other cats and dogs than what he is now. I don’t know if he remembers Mika or not, but they were together for five years. I figured he’d be a little normal towards other cats, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m not sure if it’s because Mika was my girl before he came into the family… and now he’s been my only fur-baby these last few years… he’s just jealous? But I like how mellow Jack is to show Elvis that not all cats are going to be aggressive with him like Sissy was (the gray cat). My exe stepmom stopped by the other day and she’s a cat lady herself and we were joking with my dad how he doesn’t really understand how to deal with cats yet… but the cats don’t see it as a problem… they love him. Anyway… I don’t think my dad really wants to take care of Jack… so I might see if I can find a home for him. I wish he’d give him more of a chance, but I don’t think my dad wants to give him as much attention as Jack would like. He’s fine if they’re outside and more independent. So maybe we can get him to be outside… but I think he has issues with his hearing and sight that just makes him scared to be out there surviving. So I wanted to continue on my entries yesterday. I feel like I have to continue repeating myself but I don’t know when or if people are reading this they are reading any entry before or just the last one. So I’m trying to explain how my Awakening happened initially but also how I am integrating the transformation. It’s not what I expected or thought… but in a way it is, but it’s hard to explain. I guess I didn’t mention that I didn’t know I was going to be experiencing this breakthrough moment. I thought there would be a chance and I wanted to, but I didn’t actually know it was going to happen before it did. usually I would do ceremonies in the Fall… return to integrate in the States… again in the Fall I’ll return to Peru for ceremony… repeat the cycle. Now when I started preparing for my dieta I was drawn to draw again. I love to draw but since my deliberation into my spiritual journey I had placed it to the side to focus on other issues I needed to address from the messages I received in ceremony. I drew what I call a shamanic yantra. A power source to help visualize what I want to create on my spiritual journey. I was working construction at the time and so I wasn’t able to put a lot of time in except after work so it took a few months for me to finish. During ceremonies I learned how to activate the piece and I remember when I was finished I would keep it near me in ceremony… again to see if i could activate it at all, but all to see what would happen if i was drawn to engage with it. There was one ceremony after it finished I did find myself almost thinking there were so many more messages in this shamanic yantra that i wasn’t conscious I was doing. I do create with a lot of symbolism in mind but there was another layer I was understanding that I wasn’t conscious of until ceremony. When I was drawing my shamanic yantra I saw them as temporary activated spiritual vision boards in a sense. This was not my final vision of where my spirituality is going to be but what I’m working towards. I figure once I’ve reached this first vision, then I’ll be drawn to create a new shamanic yantra with my new visions and aspirations. I new I was preparing for dieta so I wanted to encourage openness, vulnerability and transparency. I wanted to be ready for my messages and ready to receive them. I drew myself in the nude. My spiritual lover said he noticed one ceremony I had the White Tara dancing above me. I hadn’t heard of who White Tara, a Buddhist goddess, was but what I’ve read there are 21 aspects of the goddess Tara… the White symbolizes maternal compassion, healing, health, and long life. I found images of her and I decided to create myself in her image. White Tara has two regular eyes, a third eye in the center of the forehead, eyes on each of her hands, and eyes on both of her feet. They say this helps her see the suffering and is able to use her power to help. Honestly I could relate to this as I learn my style of healing. I’ve used my hands and feet well many parts of my body to scan the bodies of who I’m sharing ceremony… it does feel like my body parts becomes vessels to detect where to focus my attention that is not detectable from the visible sight of eyes. There area specific areas I’m drawn to work on it might be one place it might be several and again most of the time I don’t know why… I just know that’s what I’m supposed to do for them at that time. Sometimes my guests tell me why they think i focused in certain spots. Sometimes I get channeled messages but I feel I don’t really have to know why I’m healing someone… all I want to be is my fullest potential to help in whatever I can be for that guest. I’ve been building a working knowledge in tantric yoga mostly hatha and a little kriya. At times I’m really in the zone with it and then other times I’m focused elsewhere, but I have a systematic course manual that’s been a jewel to have. The first place i was introduced to Yoga was exactly what I needed. When I went to other yoga studios… it just wasn’t the way I enjoyed Yoga… they moved to much and too fast for my taste… lol… I really like breathe-work… slow deep full breathes and synchronizing my movements with the inhalation, exhalation, and retention is very satisfying. Plus meditation doesn’t seem to be a big part of the yoga I tried… except my introductory classes. That’s where I got the course manual from… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go often and they were encouraging me to become a teacher, but I knew the book would be valuable. I continue to get deeper meanings in the words I read. It’s amazing how much meaning could be in words. How the interpretation deepens with the same words being read at a different state and with more experience under your belt. So yes I want to continue to encourage myself to practice tantric techniques. I placed myself into two positions overlapping each other. One I was sitting in Padmasana (Full lotus pose)… there’s only been a short period of time where I could do this pose, but I know if I allow myself the time and attention I can get there again and more consistently… in that pose my hands were placed in Mahayoni Mudra. “This is a mudra that is widely practiced in tantric circles. The word maha means ‘great’ or perhaps even better in this context ‘supreme’. The word yoni means ‘womb’, ‘source” or ‘origin’. Therefore, this mudra can be called the ‘supreme source mudra’. This is such an important mudra for it symbolizes the unity between the individual and consciousness. It symbolizes the return of the individual to his source, his origin. It is not only a symbol, for this mudra is used to help invoke this realization and experience. It is such a simple looking practice, but it possesses vast power of invocation, if it is done under the correct circumstances.” Saraswati, Swami Satyananda. “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya”.Munger, Bihar, India. Yoga Publications Trust. Binary School of Yoga 1981-reprinted 2004,2006,2007,2009,2013. Pg 378. I was around second grade when I was introduced to this mudra, but I had no clue it was a mudra or a part of yoga. Someone taught it to me and it looked like a lizard or a frog… I would tuck my pinky inside the cavity it creates and then when I would open it’s mouth and have the pinky as a tongue to surprise other kids… get some laughs. I used to do this all the time and so when I was reading through this manual I ran into this mudra I thought it was very interesting. I was wanting to Awaken or reach Enlightenment during my dieta so I thought this mudra was very appropriate. I also want to continue to balance my femininity and masculinity. I used the “Shatkona” from Hindu yantra which represents the union of both the feminine and masculine form. Simply the upward triangle represents the masculine. The downward triangle represents the feminine. They are overlapping to be in union having all qualities. In the second position I created both triangles with my legs and arms to promote unity in a romantic manner as well. In between the apex of the hands I placed a diamond to symbolize faithfulness, innocence, purity, and love. The diamond has brilliance to illuminate the clarity of mind overcoming mental uncertainty. There are 11 rays on the left and 11 rays on the right. 1111 came into my experience after the first round of ceremonies along with the term twin flame. One and one means union… for a 11 to couple with another 11 we each need to be in union with ourselves before we are in union with our twin star or twin flame. Also I was introduced to numerology after the first ceremonies and I ran into master numbers. 11 represents the inspirational teacher. 22 represents the master builder. 33 represents the cosmic parent. These numbers are represented in the shamanic yantra. In the background I have 33 chakra points being lit up and I want to open as many as I can… lol… I also wanted to represent Enlightenment again by adding a glowing halo-ish which many cultures use. I knew I wanted to encourage my growth in my healing Icaros style. It was going to be my first dieta with master plants and I didn’t know if it was going to be plants or trees I was going to be dieting. So I decided to choose a tree.. instead of me being a tree-hugger, the tree is hugging me. I want them to comfort me as I learn. I want them to assist me to enlightenment with their arms hovering around the halo glow. And I’m open to assistance beyond enlightenment with their arms raised in the air. I wanted to not forget the plants that have already been present in ceremonies and i wanted to continue to learn and be thankful for what they’ve already shown me. Ayahuasca root, Chacruna leaves, and Mapacho leaves. I wanted to continue my respect for the king master plant, Mapacho by creating a ring of smoke with some of the spirit animals that I’ve already learned from in ceremony. And I’m open to more. During this time was when we were in the pandemic. I was waiting for the international borders to reopen, but that fall it did not. I guess I needed more time before dieta and so I returned the falling fall. It allowed me to experience more and also more ceremonies to share with others. It was the first time visiting Peru where I was supposed to be limited to three months. I knew I was going to stay longer than the three months… I even went to the immigration office to see what happens if i stay longer. They said I would have to pay a penalty. turns out the charge would be a dollar a day after the three months. I said well ok then… I can handle that charge. So I wasn’t in a hurry to leave… lol… During the dieta with the awakening and also there was a moment where I thought I was designing a logo for my shaman and his retreat, but as I was in the creative process I realized I was using symbolism that represents me and what I want to build. During the delay to return in Peru, I got a chance to think about my entrepreneur ideas… I’ve already mentioned in an earlier post. This was when I was really asking myself do I want to choose profit or nonprofit. I hadn’t thought about a nonprofit… I’m not sure why but I hadn’t. I did a lot of research on how to start a nonprofit, but the concept came as an extension from a business idea I had with holistic centers and retreats I wanted to create. Hmmm…. This is interesting… again I have an idea I thought I was going to talk about but I just let it flow and go… it starts in a direction I wasn’t expecting. Well… I guess I can go into my ideas about the centers and retreats I was thinking about. I’m going to take a quick break and I’ll be ready to see how to explain… lol So grabbed a bite to eat and I guess this is a process to look deeper into what I want to create. How I am experiencing Journaling is I can recall my past and my recent current… lol… but I’m transforming through the process. I happen to be purging a lot with my material possessions. I’m hoping to purge 90% and I’m at 75% probably now. The last part seems to be the challenging because those are the items I really enjoy so I start to come up with reasons on why I should keep it. But most of my reasoning isn’t really applicable anymore. So maybe that’s what I need to do more with these centers and retreats… I feel like I’m trying to create a clean slate because when I was making these decisions in the past I was less conscious then where I am now. So maybe I’ll have a new perspective and approach? I’m uncertain until I go through the process but it seems like it’s a good chance. When I moved out to Colorado I actually had a cousin who had a summer home there. That’s how I learned of the location. She’s a teacher and so am I but she wanted to see if I wanted to partner up on a business together. She had been trying for years to get me to go visit Colorado. She would have my uncle mention it to me and even my dad. It wasn’t until I returned from the first round of Aya ceremonies that they mentioned it again during the holidays and I was ready to check it out because I knew I was looking to change things up. I went to this little village after New Years and it took my breath away. This village is nestled in the Rockies with the largest and deepest natural lake of Colorado and two large reservoirs connected to it. The village well like the downtown strip is only about a mile long. During the winter there is not a ton of tourists. So when I visited it was like a ghost town. I saw all the shows and restaurants, but most of them were closed for the winter. So the appearance of a secluded mountain town started the appeal. The snow covering the mountain tops and the trees and the lakes… it felt like a postcard or a fairytale. There’s a few times while I lived there and was driving or walking around did I start to tear up because I get overwhelmed with the beauty there. She took me to the building she wanted to rent out and it was the oldest business building in the village. The business which was there was a souvenir shop… most shops are souvenir shops. When I visit somewhere I might grab a small souvenir but that’s not really what I like to do to remember my time there. But I could see why shop owners would like to sell those items and it seems it’s been successful for a while, but I just don’t see that being sustainable much longer. There are more people wanting to minimize their material possessions and they want experiences to remember not necessarily a trinket to store. My cousin thought we could just create a business similar to what I was doing in Indy which was popular. I told her that that would be good, but I think we could do more. I rode my first snowmobile during this visit. I’ve ridden on the back a few times, but never drove one. It was so much fun… yes my face was literally frozen with a smile while i was hanging out with my cousin’s husband on the snowmobiles. I ended up by myself in the middle of a pasture surrounded by mountains and I decided to call my dad. I was showing him what I was looking at and I remember pulling out one of my cigars and told him… well I guess it’s official… I’m going to be moving out of Indiana. This place is amazing and I want to give it a shot. My cousin was excited. I told her I wouldn’t be able to move until summer to be able to get rid of my belongings and finalize arrangements. At that time I visited some of my Aya familia in Colorado and also in Australia. Once I returned to Indiana to prepare for the move… I started to dive deeper into what we could do with the space. I knew the concept she wanted would be good, but that’s not all I know how to teach and I like variety so I don’t get bored… lol. So fist I was looking more towards what I could teach so mostly art, dance, and yoga was what I was telling her. I had designed floor plans on what we could do with the space where we’d keep existing walls… and then what could happen if we remodeled. About a month and a half of leaving for Colorado my cousin called me up and said that she’s not ready to make that step yet. She was working for an elementary school and even though she wants to start a business one day… she’s sorry she’s not ready to do it now. I told her it was fine, but I’ve got everything lined up to leave and I’m still going to go and give it a chance. Plus my dad and I planned out our road trip to visit some of the brother-friends from our hometown and visit with their families they been creating. It was soooo good to see the guys…we stopped in Illinois, then Kansas City, up to Montana, and finally Idaho before Colorado. We also had a family wedding there. The family spent a few days together and then I had the weekend to stay and be out by Monday. She knew about my two cats, but I didn’t know a few of her family members were allergic or very sensitive. I did a deep clean and sweep of the house. My dad didn’t know how I was going to do it but I remember I went to visit a hotel near where she lived which had a restaurant and bar. I thought I’ll try there first. I’m confident in employment if I get to talk to the boss. And that’s what happened. As we’re talking they said they could use help and when could I start. I said right now… lol… so I started at the front desk and bar assistant. In that weekend I had my feelers out of who I could possibly approach to stay with. I didn’t have money to pay up front, but I already knew I had a job… actually I had a part-time job setup with the owners of the building we were looking to buy too. So I knew I’d have money soon. In those two days I was drawn to the local who was a daily regular at the bar. He was older and somehow someone mentioned he was living alone and he was a bit of a hoarder. He was friendly and so I just got up enough courage to ask him if I could stay at his place and I’d be able to help clean and organize his place. At first I just needed a place to park my van and I said my cats and i can just sleep there, but maybe I’d be able to use his restroom. For some reason the gentleman said yes… so I began my initial experiences in Colorado…. Lol.. now when I was coming up with ideas to partner with my cousin… the thought of making a profit was the option I had and I had some ideas but I also was thinking small scale. The time I was delayed before going to my dieta… I was staying with a friend and her two dogs. We had a great time together, but she saw parts of me she had seen before… lol… She saw my obsessive mode I get into at times. A lot of times it’s when I’m doing my art. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sleep or eat because all I want to do is work on the art until it’s finished… lol… well I got into that mode when I started looking into how to create a nonprofit. It was new so it was really interesting to read about the different aspects of how to setup and run one here in the States. In fact I felt it was a little to specific for me… lol… that’s when I looked into foundations and then even a operating foundation. But I started getting into what I’d like to create. I found the name and at the time I thought I was going to help people in the Awakening process. Different degrees of the awakening process and try to get a variety of ways to attract different people with different interests and different levels of consciousness. I came up with a little slogan A to G to Infinity… where there were pillars I would have as the umbrellas where everything would fall under. Part of the name is my name for this forum… withinUverse… So that would be included as the pillar titles. (Geesh apologizes but something I was remembering in my dream last night… there was something about changing my name… I wonder if that means this nonprofit? Interesting… anywho) The pillars are withinuverse “A”wakens, “B”ecome withinuverse, withinuverse “C”reates, “D”iscover withinuverse, withinuverse “E”ducates, “F”orm withinuverse, and withinuverse “G”rows. (I already know that I liked this name, but now with the emphasis on You or U is not accurate anymore… lol… you is exclusive and I don’t want to put an emphasis on something I’m going to help promote to change. I had the U like that because I was switching up the spelling of universe… into inuverse, but the name for the last business I was wanting to use was withinnergy… so it ended up withinUverse). Briefly I’ll try to explain the big picture of the pillar… Awakens uses mystical and shamanic techniques to inspire us to discover our Truth of Awakening. Become uses spiritual purification, integration work, tantric practices, and reprogramming to embodying our Truth. Creates uses huge list of arts to connect to universal flow to express ourselves as individuals and as a collective. Discover uses investigation in ancient civilizations and modern technologies to serve together to reach dynamic solutions. Educates is for everyone, but this will be more geared towards the youth. Yes there is theory, but training is paramount… and the focus is for them to learn how to think not what to think. Form uses the sustainable and conscious focus understanding all the symbiotic relationships which should be included when design Universal communities. Grows was going to be a subsidiary corporation for possible philanthropy and investments in individuals and organizations to promote the elevation of consciousness in their field of expertise. So to make it easier to understand I’ll try to use a general example. Let’s say we are setting up a retreat for guests to participate… wait before then I feel like I have to give a little more background… lol… so to be involved with these retreats people are pretty much committing to making a huge effort into understanding where they are and where they want to grow. I want things to be documented so people can see their progress. I’m not really interested in a one time visitor. I’m looking to build relationships which will take commitment. Obviously I cannot force anyone to continue but there maybe a way to weed out people who aren’t really that serious. But i don’t want to be exlusive so maybe just let things be because regardless they’ll be learning what they can when they can at the pace they can. But yes… this isn’t set in stone just ideas i have. I would like people to write or make a video of where they are and what they’re looking forward to experiencing before they arrive. I’d say a minimum of a two week retreat. As they are there they continue the documenting of their progress until they have a final response of the retreat… how do they feel now and what’s the same and what’s different. I know I want to be effective and so the more data I receive the more I’ll understand if the process is working or if it needs to be adjusted. I love flexibility because I know being stubborn and stuck is not growth or elevation. I’m going to be making mistakes as much as I want to start out as perfectly as I can… once it really starts going we’ll see where areas need more work and maybe drop other areas completely. At the end I also want them to give their reviews on the retreat and on their teachers. Again there are many factors into play and I know reviews are just one way, but if I could get feedback on 90% of guests that would be valuable to have to know how to continue to build. The teachers I want to hire are going to have responsibilities as well. They will have the similar documented personal progress like the guests, but I also want to ask more from them too. They aren’t going to be just coming to teach their classes at their specific time slots or whatever… but I want them to be students of each teacher that is there. I know how versatile teachers are and the more experience of the different techniques there are out there to learn the more beneficial for each teacher. And as a teacher the desire to learn is important as well… so they will be writing reviews on each teacher there. Constructive, conscious reviews to help each other see each other from different perspectives. I’d like them to review the retreat as well. I’d like a 100% rate from teachers… almost mandatory… lol… I would like the retreat to have staff that is also observing the classes and teachers and be able to give feedback. Maybe we will have a group who’s filming the process and has lists of the students in which class and able to begin in visual video journeys using our and the individual’s documentation. As the retreat or withinuverse… I’d like to be able to have a session or sessions afterwards to discuss the data they found for themselves and also what we observed too… guests and teachers. Be able to give them a video documenting their retreat experience. The members of withinuverse will be able to discuss all that was learned from that one retreat to better organize and run the next one. I’m obsessed with learning so in all aspects that I can’t even think of I’d like to learn more. If I’m able to have two weeks I could organize it that the staff will be not only observing but participating in the classes too. Also we’d be able to get permission from guests and teachers if we want to use their footage of their experience to have a overview of what that particular retreat was like for promotional material for our website or social media too. Of course I’m hoping the most powerful way to promote is positive word of mouth. So what are these retreats… now I’ll say to keep it simple we can each of the pillars has many options under that umbrella. If we choose one or two specific areas from each pillar that can create a retreat. Or another way to put it too is the Wellness Wheel. I used to use this technique to help me focus on areas I needed to work on to create more balance in my life. This isn’t exactly what I’m saying but maybe it can give an idea of what I’m trying to say…. There are several areas in life people experience. We can choose on or two teachers from each area… as an example if you don’t know the wellness wheel… I created my own wheel but a general one on line might have financial, environmental, emotional, physical, occupational, social, intellectual and spiritual areas… so having a teacher from each category to create a retreat. The idea is to have classes that people are going to find enjoyable… at least a few if not half of them which would be great, but then the other half would be areas they don’t know about or are uncomfortable with which is also great. It’s not easy to put yourself in uncomfortable situations but to change and learn… that’s what we have to do, but we don’t have to be doing it the whole time. But that’s what they are going to be observing within themselves. What the same between a class I’m comfortable with and a class I’m uncomfortable with. If we focus on the uncomfortable class… how did I feel the first class to when I finished that class two weeks later? Was there a difference or not? I cannot help myself but I’m sure each retreat will have creative art classes, dance classes, yogic classes, music classes and outdoor classes… I absolutely love them and find them so valuable in so many ways. There are so many different classes that can come from these areas too… but the retreat won’t be limited to these only… just these will be included in each retreat to start with a number of other classes. If data and responses shows to switch it up then we can make those decisions. but my gut says to at least start that way. Also when it comes to the retreat… guests, staff, and teachers are going to be helping in service of the collective. I don’t think I want to hire staff just to clean and cook. I’d like to setup a rotation for everyone there to be involved in these tasks. Different groups will be responsible for cooking for the group, maybe a different group will help with cleaning the dishes… after each class we clean up after ourselves. If there’s laundry to do maybe we can wash our clothes, our bedsheets and towels together. The staff maybe be responsible for the initial setup and the official breakdown, but during the retreat we’re all going to pitch in and help. If we can build centers in amazing locations throughout the world would be great. But maybe we want to be more portable and visit amazing locations for the retreat but then leave afterwards. Actually if we go and visit locations a part of the retreat might be designed to get to know the locals… maybe find opportunities to volunteer somehow. Possibly our outdoor classes can involve local guides through their homeland. I want to allow time for privacy and time to socialize. I’d like some events to be open to children and fur-babies. Have teachers that have different and yet conscious ways to approach youth and animal development. I’d love to have maybe child teachers too. I gained huge benefits by teaching at a young age. I was in elementary when I first started teaching origami in the library and calligraphy at a hospital… lol… certain children when it comes to art are fabulous teachers and if they led a dance class… lol… we might be all trying to move like animals or something… see what ideas they have and encourage them at a young age they can be an example for adults too. I thought maybe part of the design would have a way to do a performance I’m not sure of what kind… it’ll depend on the classes but to put on a demonstration that’s choreographed to show the public what we learned together. Or maybe a one day festival near the end to demonstrate to the public what’s being taught? There are so many possibilities. With foundations they can hold scholarship programs… maybe have the public be able to attend, but then have selected scholarship guests that has added bonuses complimentary to them, but maybe ask them to push themselves a little more then other guests… i don’t know there’s so many options. Maybe people can only get one week paid vacation but if they apply for the scholarship we can pay for the following week so they have an extended vacation that’s not going to hurt their financial situation if they want to participate. Maybe have scholarships to help with passport and visa applications and approvals. Or scholarships to help with travel costs? So that’s what I was leading towards when I was thinking of creating a nonprofit. But I think the first thing to do is find staff. And I already mentioned trying to hire them to be on a more deliberate path to self-mastery. When I hire staff and teachers I want them to be overflowing with energy, focus, and enthusiasm. I want our guests to be surrounded by supporters and influencers. I want everyone to gain value out of our experiences. I’d like to offer a wage that they are able to have ample time to prepare for the retreats and recover. I want my staff to be thriving and exploring their desires in life, but when it’s time to support in an event… that they are ready to give their all to create an unforgettable experience for themselves and everyone involved and hopefully to the public that we share with so they can be a part of the next event. I know I’m still steering in this direction but I’m always up to changing it. I also know the way I thought about shamanism is changing which I hadn’t thought possible. That’s the thing i think is great, but I feel I’m more focused on working on these messages too… lol.. there’s actually a lot more that I’d like to do when I find my abundance. This makes me excited! I’m going to jump back to the community design… I always see the grocery store as the heart of the community… how we serve food to the community is important and what we offer to serve is important. I thought maybe to have a grocery store that is connected to a seasonal garden or greenhouse so people can see what the veggie and plants look like and teach how to grow them. But have it also setup like a home economics class with a ton or cooktops and ovens… where we’d have cooks come in and teach specialty dishes from their families or cultures. We don’t throw away food if it’s getting to a point before it spoils of coming up with creative recipes for people to make with these items and have them at a discount or something. Plus working at a small grocery store I loved how much variety they had, but also if I ran my own grocery I’d be teaching techniques so people can specialize at ther homes. An example would be pickles… lol… We’d have dill, bead and butter, sweet pickles that were just cut differently as options. We can have easy and fun ways to prep food… how to cut pickles in all the different standard ways and maybe even artful ways. But then how to do we make them different flavors? Have classes and different spices so people can learn how to make their own pickles at home if they wanted to. Just similar ideas like that. Another thing I thought about doing for a community design is equipment libraries… lol… yes we can have a standard library but what if we had well selected group of equipment that one family or person doesn’t necessarily use all the time. Most of the time it’s just sitting around in the garage not being used. Could we pitch in to purchase these items and then have a schedule to be able to use this equipment when we need to and the equipment will be in more use because several people are sharing it instead of everyone having their own. If there needs to be repairs to the equipment we can have classes on how to fix it… lol… or if we need to replace it… it’s doesn’t have to come out of one person or one families pocket. Equipment is a very broad term but again depending on the community can determine what kind of equipment that people would like to have available to use that we might not think to purchase ourselves but if a group pitched in then we’d definitely put it to use. I’d love to bring more attention to apprenticeship opportunities for the youth to be involved with. Even somehow providing more opportunities for them to learn outside of a book and in application. lol… ok…. I’m just rambling now different thoughts all over the place… lol.. you might be thinking that’s what you do all the time, but i can tell a difference when I’m grasping the air and when I’m in a flow state. I’m getting tired… so this will be a good time to break

As I continue to explore the field, I have also come to appreciate the remarkable connection between sacred geometry and the universe at large. The stars in the sky are a breathtaking manifestation of sacred geometry. From the spiral arms of galaxies to the hexagonal shapes of Saturn's storms, we can see the underlying patterns of sacred geometry throughout the cosmos. Even black holes and quasars, the most mysterious and powerful phenomena in the universe, can be understood through the lens of sacred geometry. Black holes, for example, are believed to have a toroidal shape, similar to the torus shape. The torus shape allows energy to flow in and out of the black hole, which creates powerful jets of energy that can be seen from Earth as quasars. These jets follow a spiral path, which again highlights the fundamental connection between sacred geometry and the universe. By studying and meditating on these cosmic patterns, we can connect with the vast intelligence and creative power of the universe. We can align ourselves with the natural rhythms of creation and activate our light body to its fullest potential. Whether you choose to gaze up at the stars, explore the patterns of the Flower of Life, or delve into the mysteries of black holes and quasars, I encourage you to keep an open mind and a curious spirit. The universe is a vast and wondrous place, and by embracing the principles of sacred geometry, we can tap into its limitless potential for growth and transformation. Love and Balance to all

this is a bit of an aside but sort of related to the topic of teaching: you can call me elitist but I don't think "awakening" at the highest levels should be taught to just anyone. people with deep wounds and narcissistic egos can really misuse this stuff, that stuff needs to be dealt with first. if I were ever to teach any of this it would only be to people who show signs of high integrity, maturity, willingness to heal their traumas or narcissism. I already somewhat regret mentioning the word "awakening" to my narcissistic control freak parents just to get them off my backs, it already feels like they can misuse this stuff based on what one of them been saying to me, and further guilt trip me about things or disrespect my boundaries. people can use and "understand"/come up with ideas about the word "awakening" from all kinds of places, but totally miss "true Love" nor care about transformation/development (as very few teachers teach this). I honestly don't fking understand why I chose this character some days it's like a ball and chain around my neck, maybe so I really have nothing to look back on and get the heck out of here once this life is over. not as bad of a situation as @Holykael but prob very similar. please ignore what I said if this is triggering. I am just frustrated and appreciate you holding space for me.

Ken Wilber talks about that when we achieve a % of 2nd tier thinking humans (Yellow/Turquoise) we will have a lot of transformation on reality at all levels. I’m contemplating this.

I see no better place to document the transformation that forgiveness has allowed. All my life, I have been over protective. I was afraid and wanted to avoid trauma and being hurt. This over protection is what caused most of the suffering in my life because I was afraid and trying to avoid suffering. The only way for me to experience love would be to take off my armor and be vulnerable, but this was the last thing I wanted to do. I was protective in my family life when I avoided them by staying in my room. It didn't help that my older sister and mother had anger issues, nor did it help that there were episodes of domestic violence between mom and step dad who were drug addicts that stole my money. I was afraid of making any small mistake which would set them off, so I hid. I was protective in my school life. I was afraid of the other kids who were bullying me. In response, I isolated myself from the other kids, but this backfired. I became an easy target because I was alone. I needed to double check everything to make sure the other kids didn't steal from me or write fa* on my jacket. Instead of keeping my backpack by my side, I moved to keeping it under my feet. This over protection in school was reinforced through the sexually inappropriate behaviors of other kids. After what happened with my sister, I became very closed to sex and judgemental of sex, not because of sex itself, but because of the punishment associated with it. I saw the other kids as fools as they constantly got themselves in trouble with humping other kids, drawing penises on the walls, and other childish behaviors. I used to laugh with the other kids about all of this myself, but I had changed because I was afraid of punishment. Sexual harassment didn't help. There was one girl who grabbed my penis twice and another girl who followed me around trying to get me to have an orgy. I was immediately uncomfortable with any girl attempting to make me look or feel slutty. Deep down I wanted a relationship in which I could express my authentic feelings, but it seemed to me that it was not possible. I stayed closed. I have been protective in my hyper vigilance when it came to any selfish thought or impulse. I judged myself very harshly and didn't want to hurt others. This included the possibility of using autism as an excuse to get away with selfishness which scared me. It included making people uncomfortable with my weird behaviors no matter how hard I tried to be good. All of my judgements paralyzed me as I feared doing anything remotely wrong. This led to all kinds of "what if I do this?" The fear of not being able to control myself made me more protective as I created fears which didn't exist. I am prone to catastrophizing and coming up with scenarios that lead to suicidal thoughts. This includes the paralysis that I feel when attempting to approach a woman. I see millions of things that could go wrong because I don't trust myself to be a good person. My defense from strong negative emotions include repression, dissociation, and isolation. I have constantly wanted to remain separate from others as I lived in my own little bubble trying to be safe. In fact my over protection led to suicidal thoughts. I therefore tried to protect myself from over protection by being more protective for fear that I would kill myself, or cause harm to others. In truth the solution was to drop my armor, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I was ignorant and did not understand how to cope with all of my fears as I did my best to avoid trauma. This over protection is what traumatized me the most. In a way the possibility of suicide was comforting. I constantly felt like I was not in control of my life no matter how hard I tried. The ability to kill myself and eliminate all the suffering I didn't understand helped me to feel easier about my life. Suicidal thoughts are therefore a defense mechanism for strong negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, self hatred and others. There is a visualization I like to do in exercising forgiveness. I visualize the child who is acting over protective because he is afraid. He is ignorant and is struggling to cope with fear. Deep down he wants love, but struggles to love himself. He has several issues with depression and anxiety as he tries to protect himself from trauma while doing his best to be a good person. Although he tries to be a good person, he cannot help but fail and he blames himself harshly. He is afraid of his own selfishness and is unable to love himself, even though he tries to. all he wants is safety. I see the weakness and vulnerability in this child. I give him a hug as I tell him it's okay to be scared. I'm not mad at you. You are only trying to be good and you deserve to be loved. It makes me cry when I do this visualization, including now. This is the child who needs to be forgiven. Part of me still feels the need to be protective because I'm scared. I notice the tension in my back and shoulders dissolving, but then coming back. I don't want to be hurt, but in doing so I block out love. This makes me feel conflicted and unsure as to whether or not I should stop being protective because of my doubts and fears. I might need to ease into being less protective.

Thich Nhat Hanh Dear friends, today is the 6th of August, 1996 and we are in the Upper Hamlet. We are going to speak English today. I would like to tell you a story that took place a number of years ago. One day I saw the Venerable Ananda—you know who he is? Ananda is a cousin of the Buddha, a very handsome man with a very good memory. He memorized everything the Buddha said, and after the Buddha passed away, he repeated exactly what the Buddha said during his life. Then other monks tried to learn and memorize also. Later on, all this was put down into writing and that is why we have the Sutras today. “Sutras” means the teaching of the Buddha in written form. They exist in Pali, Sanskrit, Chinese, Tibetan, and in Vietnamese, but originally it was in a kind of Bengali, very close to Pali and Sanskrit. One day I saw the Venerable Ananda practicing walking meditation in front of the hut of the Buddha. You know, Ananda became a monk, a student of the Buddha. He was the attendant of the Buddha during many years. He took very good care of the Buddha. Of course, the Buddha loved him and there were people who were jealous of him. Sometimes Ananda was so concerned about the happiness of the Buddha that he forgot about himself. Sometimes he did not enjoy what was there in the present moment, being much younger than the Buddha. One day standing on the hill looking down, the Buddha saw beautiful rice fields. The rice was ripe, about to be harvested. But because Ananda was only thinking of how to make the Buddha comfortable, he didn’t see it. So the Buddha pointed to the rice fields below and said, “Ananda can you see it’s beautiful?” It was like a bell of mindfulness—suddenly Ananda saw that the rice fields down there were so beautiful. The Buddha smiled and said, “Ananda, I want the robes of the monks and the nuns to be designed in the form of rice fields—golden colors like the rice that is already ripe, small portions of the rice fields like that.” Ananda said, “Yes, that is possible, I will go tell my brothers and from now on we will make the sanghati, the robes of the monks and nuns, in the form of rice fields.” Another time when Ananda was with the Buddha, north of the Gangha River in the city of Vaisali, the Buddha pointed to the city, the trees, and the hills, and said to Ananda “Don’t you see Vaisali is beautiful?” Then Ananda took the time to look at the beauty of the city. The day I saw Ananda practicing walking meditation around the hut of the Buddha, he was trying to protect the Buddha from guests. Many guests came, and they always wanted to have a cup of tea with the Buddha, and the Buddha could not just receive guests all day. So Ananda was trying to help. That day Ananda was practicing walking around the hut of the Buddha. It’s not exactly a hut, but a cave—the Buddha was staying in a cave, very cold. And Ananda saw someone coming, coming, coming in his direction. He had the impression that he knew this person, but just forgot his name. When that person had come very close, he recognized him as Mara. You know Mara? Mara is the one who had caused the Buddha a lot of difficulties. The night before the Buddha attained final enlightenment, Mara was there to tempt him. Buddha was tempted by Mara. Mara is the tempter. He always wanted the Buddha to be a politician, to be a king, or a president, or a foreign minister, or running a business, having a lot of money, a lot of beautiful women; and he was always trying to tempt the Buddha so that Buddha would go into these directions. That is Mara. Ananda saw Mara approaching. He felt uncomfortable. Why should Mara come at this time? But Mara saw him already—Ananda could not hide himself—so he had to stand there and wait for Mara and they had to say things like, “Hello, how do you do?” People say that even if they don’t like each other. They say, “Hello, good morning, how are you,” and so on. They don’t mean it. Then they come to the real thing: “What are you here for Mara?” “I want to visit the Buddha,” Mara said, “I want to see him.” Ananda said, “Why should you want to see the Buddha? I don’t think the Buddha has time for you.” You know when the head of a corporation or a director of an office doesn’t want to see you she says, “Go and tell him I am in conference.” And Ananda was about to say something like that, but he remembered that he had to practice the Five Precepts and could not tell a lie. So he refrained from saying that the Buddha is in conference. He was frank. He said, “Mara, why should the Buddha see you? What is the purpose and are you not ashamed of yourself? Don’t you remember that in the old days, under the Bodhi tree, you were defeated by the Lord? How could you bear seeing him again? I don’t think that he will see you. You are the enemy of the Buddha,” and Ananda continued to say what was really in his heart. You know Mara was very aware, a very experienced person. He just stood there and looked at the young Venerable Ananda and smiled. After Ananda finished, he said, “What did you say Ananda, you said the Buddha has an enemy?” Then Ananda felt very uncomfortable to say that the Buddha had an enemy. That did not seem to be the right thing to say, but he just said it. He said, “I don’t think that the Buddha will see you, you are his enemy,” So if you are not very concentrated, very deep, very mindful, you may say things like that against yourself, against what you know and what you practice. When Mara heard Ananda say that he is the enemy of the Buddha, he burst out laughing and laughing and laughing, and that made Ananda very uncomfortable. “What, you’re telling me that the Buddha also has enemies?” So finally Ananda was defeated, completely defeated. He had to go in and announce the visit of Mara, hoping that the Lord would say, “I have no time for him, I need to continue sitting.” But to his surprise, the Buddha smiled beautifully and said, “Mara, wonderful! Ask him to come in.” That surprised Ananda. Remember Ananda was young with not a lot of experience. All of us are Ananda, you know. So Ananda had to go out again and bow to Mara and ask him to come in because the Lord wanted Mara to be his guest. The Buddha stood up, and guess what? The Buddha did hugging meditation with Mara. Ananda did not understand. The Buddha invited Mara to sit on the best place in the cave—a stone bench. And he turned to his beloved disciple and said, “Ananda, please make tea for us.” You might guess that Ananda was not entirely happy. Making tea for the Buddha—yes. He could do that 1,000 times a day. But making tea for Mara was not a very pleasant idea. But since the Lord had asked, Ananda went into a corner and began to make tea for them and tried to look deeply, why things were like that. When the tea was offered to the Buddha and the guest, Ananda stood behind the Buddha and tried to be mindful of what the Buddha would need. You see, if you become a novice, you have to practice being an attendant to your teacher. You stand behind him or her and you try to know what your teacher needs each moment. But it did not seem that the Buddha needed anything. He just looked at Mara in a very loving way and he said, “Dear friend, how have you been? Is everything okay?” Mara said “No, not okay at all. Things go very badly with me. You know something Buddha, I’m very tired of being Mara. Now I want to be someone else, like you. You are kind, wherever you go you are welcome. You are bowed to with lotus flowers, and you have many monks and nuns with very lovely faces following you. You are offered bananas and oranges and kiwis and all kinds of fruits. “As a Mara I have to wear the appearance of a Mara. Everywhere I go I have to speak in a very tricky language. I have to show that I am really Mara. I have to use many tricks, I have to use the language of Mara, I have to have an army of wicked little Maras and if I breathe in and breathe out, every time I breathe out I have to show that smoke is coming from my nose. But I don’t mind very much all these things. What I mind most is that my disciples, the little Maras, are beginning to talk about transformation and healing. They’re beginning to talk about liberation, Buddhahood. That’s one thing I cannot bear. So I have come to propose to you that we exchange roles. You be a Mara and I’ll be a Buddha.” When the Venerable Ananda heard that, he was very scared. Oh, his heart was about to stop! What if his teacher accepted the exchange of roles? He would be the attendant of a Mara. So he was hoping that the Buddha would refuse the proposal. Then the Buddha looked at Mara very calmly, smiling to him, and asked this question: “Mara, do you think it’s a lot of fun being a Buddha? People don’t understand me—they misunderstand me and put a lot into my mouth that I have never said. They have built temples where they put statues of me in copper, in plaster, sometimes in emerald, in gold. And they attract a lot of people who offer them bananas, oranges, citrus, and a lot of things. “Sometimes they carried me on the street in a procession and I was sitting on a cart decorated with flowers, doing like this—like a drunk person. I don’t like being a Buddha like that. So you know, in the name of the Buddha—in my name—they have done a lot of things that are very harmful to the Dharma. You should know that being a Buddha is also very difficult. If you want to be a teacher and if you want people to practice the Dharma correctly, that is not an easy job. I don’t think that you would enjoy being the Buddha. The best thing is for each of us to stay in his or her own position and try to improve the situation and enjoy what we are doing.”Then the Buddha, in order to summarize all that he just said, read to Mara a verse, a gatha. But the gatha is a little bit too long, I don’t remember. The essence of the gatha is just what I have said in the former part of the story. If you were there with Ananda and if you were very mindful, you would have had the feeling that Buddha and Mara were a couple of friends who need each other—like day and night, like flowers and garbage. This is a very deep teaching of Buddhism, and I trust that the children will understand—very deep. You may compare Buddha with the flowers, very fresh, very beautiful. And you may compare Mara with the garbage. It doesn’t smell good. There are a lot of flies who like to come to the garbage. It’s not pleasant to touch, to hold in your hand, to smell the garbage. Yet all flowers become garbage. That is the meaning of impermanence: all flowers have to become garbage. If you practice Buddhist meditation, you find out about very interesting things—like about the garbage. Although garbage stinks, although garbage is not pleasant to hold in your hand, if you know how to take care of the garbage, you will transform it back into flowers. You know gardeners don’t throw away garbage. They preserve the garbage and take care of the garbage, and in just a few months the garbage becomes compost. They can use that compost to grow lettuce, tomatoes, and flowers. We have to say that organic gardeners are capable of seeing flowers in garbage, seeing cucumbers in garbage. That is what the Buddha described as the non-dualistic way of looking at things. If you see things like that, you will understand that the garbage is capable of becoming a flower, and the flower can become garbage. Thanks to the flowers there is garbage, because if you keep flowers for three weeks they become garbage, and thanks to the garbage there will be flowers. You now have an idea of the relationship between Buddha and Mara. Mara is not very pleasant, but if you know how to help Mara, to transform Mara, Mara will become Buddha. If you don’t know how to take care of the Buddha, Buddha will become Mara. You see there are people who, in the beginning, love each other very much. They believe that without each other they cannot survive. Their love is so important. They cling to each other because they think that love between them is the only element that can help them survive. But because they don’t know how to preserve the love and take care of their love, they get angry at each other, they misunderstand each other, and later on love is transformed slowly into hate. There are those who say, “I hate you, I don’t want to see you anymore, I wish you would die.” Those people in the past had proclaimed that they needed each other, they could not survive without each other, they loved each other, so love transforms into hatred. It’s like a kind of flower transformed into garbage. So what you learn today is very deep. Flowers and garbage are of an organic nature because both flowers and garbage are living realities. Buddha and Mara are also organic, and they need each other. It is thanks to the difficulties, thanks to the temptations, that the Buddha has overcome his suffering and his ignorance and become a fully enlightened being. The day before yesterday, I gave a Dharma talk on suffering, and I said that if you look deeply into the nature of your suffering, you will find a way out of it. So if you want a flower, you have to use the garbage. That is why the people who suffer a lot now should not be discouraged. Suffering is their garbage. If they know how to take good care of their garbage they will be able to make the flower come back to them, the flower of peace, of joy. The Buddha shows us the way to do so. When I was in Moscow several years ago, we offered a retreat to Muscovites, and a few Christians from Korea held a kind of a retreat very close to ours. Some of them came to our friends and asked why they should follow the Buddha. The reason we should not follow the Buddha, according to them, is that Buddha is a mortal. “Mortal” means someone who has to die. In their mind what we need is someone who will not die. Since the Buddha is someone who has to be born and who has to die, he cannot help us—that is the meaning of the declaration made by those friends. I think it’s a wonderful thing to die, because if you are born and you die, it means you are a living reality, like the flower and the garbage: they are living things. We are for life. Anything that is not born, not dying, not growing, is not alive. To be alive means to be born, to grow, to get old, to die, to be born again, to grow, to get old, to die and to continue like that. How do you expect life to be possible without change? But there is one thing that the children may like to know. There is a difference between “flower” and “flowerness.” The flower may die, but not the flowerness. Even if a flower has become garbage, you know you can bring the flower back. If you are a good gardener, if you know how to use compost, seeds, water, you will be able to bring the flower back. This means a flower may die, but flowerness is something that is there all the time: because flowerness is not a thing, flowerness is the nature of a thing. So it is with Buddha and Buddha nature. Buddha nature is called in Sanskrit buddhata. We all have buddhata inside of us, this Buddha nature. If we want, we can make the Buddha be born every moment in our hearts. That is a very wonderful thing. You can make the Buddha be born in your heart every moment, because you have Buddhahood in you, you have the nature of the Buddha in you. Buddha is a living thing: Buddha is born, Buddha grows up, Buddha hides himself away, Buddha dies. But Buddhahood is there in us. We might think that terms like “Buddha nature” are difficult because we don’t know that this is something very simple, very simple. Children can understand very well. We have flowerness in us; we have “garbageness” in us also. Don’t think that they are two enemies—no. They look like enemies—Ananda was not very skillful in seeing that—but they can support each other. In Buddhism, there is no fight between good and evil—that is the most wonderful thing in the Buddhist practice! There is no fight between good and evil. Good and evil are both organic matters. If you have understanding and wisdom, you will know how to handle both the flower and the garbage in you, you can make the Buddha be born every moment of your life, and peace and happiness will be possible. This is a very deep Dharma talk for young people. I hope that you will be able to deepen your understanding of this Dharma talk. Your big brothers and sisters and the Dharma teachers will help you. This may be a very important lesson that you will learn in your life. [To the children:] When you hear the bell, please stand up and bow to the Sangha before you go out. [Bell. Children leave] In the beginning of this year’s summer opening, we reflected on the fact that, for healing to take place in our body and in our soul, we have to learn how to allow our body and our consciousness to rest. That is the practice of stopping, of calming in order for healing to start. We talked about the animals in the jungle. When they are wounded or get sick, they always look for a quiet and safe place to lie down. They just lie down for many, many days. The animals do not think of hunting or eating or doing anything, because they feel they need to rest and they know that only resting can bring healing. They don’t think of eating at all. We humans we might think that if we don’t eat anything, we grow weak and we cannot heal. We are not as wise as these animals, because fasting is a very wonderful way to help the body and also the soul to heal. Not thinking of doing anything—eating, running, making projects for the future, even for healing, practicing intensive meditation—all these things have to be stopped. No effort should be made either by the body or by the consciousness. We have to allow our body to really rest and also our consciousness. That is samatha, that is the practice of stopping and calming, and we have to learn it. There are many of us who have no capacity for resting, of allowing our body and our mind to rest. That is because in us there is a very strong tendency to do something—running. We have run without stopping in the last four or five thousand years. It has become a habit. We even run in our dreams, during our sleep. So we have to start the practice of stopping. That is why practicing being in the present moment, touching the wonders of life that are present in this moment, is a very wonderful and easy way of resting. There’s a tendency for us to think that our happiness should be searched for in the future, by doing something. Even our health should be “searched for” by doing something. But we don’t know that not doing anything may be the key to restoring our health. Many of us are obsessed by the idea that we have to get more nutrients. We buy vitamins, “one-a-day,” and we take one pill every morning and things like that. Many of us are motivated by that kind of desire. Not many of us are aware that we have a reserve in our body that we can use for up to three or four weeks without eating. Those of us who practice fasting and drinking only water, can go for many weeks and we don’t have to stop the daily things. We can still go to sitting meditation, walking meditation, cleaning in the kitchen, in the bathroom, participating in Dharma talks. We can do that many weeks without eating. In the process, we enjoy doing these things. And the toxins we have, from the third day on, begin to get out because we are drinking a lot of water, we are practicing a lot of walking meditation and deep breathing and we clean our bodies, so the toxins can get out. And after three weeks, you look much better—even if you don’t eat anything. Your skin, the expression on your face, your smile—you may look like a new person. That is not because you take a lot of vitamins, or eat a lot of nutrients, it is because you don’t eat anything. You allow your body to rest. The same thing is true of your consciousness. There are a lot of toxins within that have been accumulating over the years. We have ingested the toxins—the fear, the craving, the anger, the despair—in our daily life by touching this or that without mindfulness. So all these poisons have brought into being our depression, our anxiety, our sorrow—and this kind of garbage should be transformed, eliminated. If only we could allow ourselves to touch the refreshing and healing elements in our daily life, a process of detoxification would take place. Are you able to breathe in and to breathe out, and enjoy it? Just breathing in and breathing out. Is there anything interesting in breathing in and breathing out? Breathing in and breathing out is a wonderful thing. You are alive. The fact that you are breathing in is already a miracle. There are many people who want to breathe in but they cannot breathe in because they are already dead. We want them to breathe in but they lie there, lifeless. So to allow your body to breathe in and to become aware that you are breathing in, that you are alive, can be a source of deep happiness. This morning I practiced like that in sitting meditation. When you breathe in, you might touch nature around you; when you breathe out, you allow yourself not to do anything, you rest completely. [Bell] The practice of samatha, stopping, is the practice of doing nothing—trying not to do anything, just allowing your body and your mind to rest. We know that it’s not easy, because we have already a habit of running and working, both in our body and in our mind. That is why putting yourself in a Sangha where there are people who are able to stop is very important. When you come to a retreat, where there are people who have the capacity of stopping, of being there in the present moment, you can profit from their presence, their energy. They are able to be happy with the blue sky, with a little flower blooming in the grass, with each step they make. Happiness is being manufactured every moment. They don’t run; they are able to stop and to live deeply every moment of their daily life. It’s very important that we find ourselves among those people, because touching them, we will be able to do the same after some time. When you are on your cushion or walking, you just practice breathing in or breathing out in order to be there, just to be there. Because your mindful presence is the agent of love and care for the pain, for the suffering in you. You have not been there for yourself. You have been running and you have neglected yourself. To be loved means to be embraced by the attention, by the energy, of the person you love. When the animal stops and lies down, it’s doing that for itself. It allows itself time to rest and to heal—it is there for itself. We have to be there for ourselves. We are wounded, perhaps even deeply wounded in our body and in our soul. Who will be there for us? We have to be there for ourselves first. And the Buddha will be there for us, because the Buddha is inside of us. To be able to establish oneself in the present moment, to know what is going on in that moment, to touch everything that is happening in that moment, is the practice. It does not require a lot of struggle; it does not require any struggle at all. Just allow yourself to be. There is a tendency to think that happiness, health, success are things you have to run to in order to get. That is why we have sacrificed the present moment. We have viewed the present moment as a means to get things in the future. That is a tendency to be stopped. We are committed to a certain idea of happiness. We think that if we cannot realize this or that, if we cannot change this or that, then happiness will never be possible. Because of our commitment to that idea of happiness, we are not at peace with ourselves. We are trying to do something, to realize something, but maybe happiness is already there. All the conditions for you to be happy are already there. You need to recognize them. How can you recognize them if you are not there? Maybe you have not realized that the sun in the sky is a condition for your happiness. Just take one second to look, and you see that all life on Earth is possible because of the sun. All our food comes from light, from the sun. And when you look at the sun like that, you see the sun as your father, your mother—it is nourishing you every day. The sun is always there for you. And you might complain that “nobody is taking care of me, nobody loves me, nobody pays attention to me,” but the sun is one thing that is nourishing you every second of your daily life. The earth, the trees, the water, the air, the baker, the farmer, the birds, the insects. There are those of us who have practiced stopping and dwell in the present moment, and we are able to touch the many conditions of our happiness that are available in the here and the now. We find out that we don’t need more, because these conditions are more than enough to be happy. Stopping is very important. As long as you continue to run, happiness is very difficult. Stopping. Stopping allows your body and your mind to rest. Stopping allows you to recognize the conditions for your happiness that are already there. The two elements of Buddhist meditation are stopping and looking deeply. You can only look deeply into the nature of things when they are there, when you are able to stop. Samatha is stopping, calming, and vipasyana is looking deeply. Sometimes you only need to stop, and suddenly a deep vision of reality will come like that. When the waves on the lake are calm, the surface of the lake is calm without waves, the full moon just reflects in the lake—the lake doesn’t have to run and look for the moon. Allow yourself to be in the present moment; enjoy touching the refreshing and healing elements that are around you and within you. Whether we believe they are or are not there, they are there. Allowing yourself to touch these healing elements will allow the garbage to become compost, and the flowers to reappear in the garden of your heart. When you are there for yourself, there is an energy that embraces you, embraces your pain, embraces your suffering, your fear, your despair. It also embraces the good, positive qualities within you. The capacity of being joyful again, of being happy again, of being loving and tolerant—these qualities are within us, and they need to be embraced in order to grow; these are flowers. And the fear, despair, and sorrow in us need to be embraced in order to become compost. They will nourish the flowers. The Buddha needs Mara in order to grow beautifully as a flower and also Mara needs the Buddha, because Mara has a certain role to play. So suffering is very important for your happiness. You cannot understand, you cannot love, until you know what suffering is. The joy of having something to eat is possible only if you know what hunger is. In some areas of China, when people meet each other, instead of asking, “How do you do?” or “How are you?” they ask, “Have you eaten yet? Have you gotten something to eat?” Because we know there is hunger, death. So our love is expressed in a very simple way: Have you eaten yet? Have you gotten anything to eat yet? The tendency is to want to remove and to clear away the blocks of pain and sorrow and despair in us. We just want the Buddha or God to be like a surgeon who can cut out anything we don’t want of ourselves, get it out of our system. In the light of non-duality, not only are we flowers, but we are also the garbage in us. We cannot just get rid of us. Sometimes we are love, sometimes we are anger; love is us, but anger is also us. So we have to treat both love and anger on an equal basis, like the Buddha was treating Mara. Mara didn’t understand. Ananda also didn’t understand. But the Buddha, he understood. He was teaching both of them the nature of non-duality between suffering and happiness. The energy of mindfulness is the energy that allows us to be in the present moment, to embrace ourselves, our suffering, our despair, our sorrow; and also the seeds of joy and peace and love that have become weak in us because we have not been able to water and cultivate these seeds to help them to be stronger. So the practice is the practice of embracing, and it is clear that the energy with which you can embrace yourself is the energy of mindfulness. “Darling, I am there for you.” When we love someone we want to make such a declaration, “Darling I am there for you.” And you have to be really there for her. Your presence is the greatest gift you can make to the person you love. To be there, it’s not easy. You have to be there with one hundred per cent of yourself. You have to be really mindful, with all your attention. That energy has the power of healing and of making the other person happy. In this case it is self-love, and we all know that the love we have for another depends on our self-love. If we know how to take care of ourselves, if we know how to nourish and to transform ourselves, we will be able to take care of the other person. So the object of love is our self first—our body and our consciousness. Embracing yourself in the present moment is the practice. By being there entirely, you recognize that not only suffering is there, something else is there—the wonders of life, the refreshing and healing elements from within and around and you may like to practice touching them. Look at the sky; listen to the rain, smile to it. It’s wonderful that it’s raining, it’s wonderful that the sky is blue this morning, it’s wonderful that I am here, alive. It’s wonderful that I can walk, it’s wonderful that my heart still functions normally. There are so many things you can enjoy. When one tree in the garden dies you may forget that all the other trees are still alive. You let your sorrow dominate, and suddenly you lose everything. When a tree is dying in my garden, yes, I know it, but there are other trees that are still green, healthy. If you remember that, you will not be drowned by your sorrow, and you will have enough strength to save the tree that is dying or replace it with another tree. Make your heart large so that you may be able to see that the conditions for your happiness are there, and injustice, cruelty, or meanness is not enough to ruin your life. You can accept it easily, because your heart is large, and you can receive it without resentment and anger. It’s like when you throw some dirt into the river, the river would not be angry. The river is willing to accept that dirt, and it can transform that dirt overnight. There’s so much water in the river, so much mud in the water that the amount of dirt that you throw into the river will be transformed overnight. If you throw that dirt into a container of water in your home that would not be the same thing. You know that the water in the container will no longer be drinkable, you have to throw it away. But when you throw that amount of dirt into the river, people from the city still continue to drink the water from the river because it’s large. The river has the capacity of transforming and healing. So practice being like a river, that is what the Buddha recommended to us. Practice being like the earth. Whether people throw on earth flowers, perfumes, rice, curries or they throw on it urine, excrement, the earth will be willing to accept all without any resentment, because earth is large and earth has the power to transform. And earth is always there for us. So the Buddha told Rahula, “My dear, practice like earth, practice like water in the river and you will not suffer because your heart is big.” So coming back to embrace ourselves, to start the process of healing, to touch the positive elements does not seem to be a difficult practice. You only need a Sangha where there are people who are doing that and who enjoy just doing that. When you come to the Meditation Hall and sit down holding your plate of food, you may do it with a lot of pleasure. Don’t think of it as a hard practice. Yes, we don’t talk during the whole meal, you sit quiet in an erect position during the whole meal. Yes, we do that. But many of us enjoy doing that. We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to think, we don’t have to do anything: we just realize complete rest during the whole meal. To be able to share a meal with a Sangha in mindfulness, not to have to do anything at all, to just enjoy every morsel of your food, touching your food deeply without any thinking, without making any project in your mind is the practice, the practice of stopping and resting. You may think that it’s oppressive not to talk. It’s difficult to stay in a sitting position like this for one hour, but that is because you are so used to running and to doing movements. But to allow yourself to sit for one hour, not (indiscernible words) enjoy our upright position, enjoy our in-breath and our out-breath, not to think of anything, just enjoy. Because being there sitting, not doing anything is a very nice thing to do, and just to be aware of our in-breath and our out-breath, and just to relax the muscles on our face, our body, is a nice thing to do. When you pick up a piece of string bean, look at it, smile, and call it by its true name, “string bean.” And you realize with some mindfulness and concentration that the piece of string bean is a wonder of life, exactly like you—you are a wonder of life, you are a miracle. The piece of string bean has been made by clouds, sunshine, the earth, the minerals, the air, the water, everything. This piece of string bean is really an ambassador coming to you from the cosmos if you know how to receive it, how to be with it, how to chew it mindfully and joyfully. Eating a piece of string bean may give joy. What is the use of eating a piece of string bean? To get nutrition? No, you just enjoy the piece of string bean, you enjoy yourself, the presence of the bean, you enjoy the moment, being with yourself and with the Sangha. We like to chew our food thirty times, forty times, fifty times. During that time we don’t chew anything else, we don’t chew our projects, our sorrow, our anxiety. Allow it to sleep, you are embracing it now by the practice of being there, mindful. Eating is a practice, a practice of not doing anything, a practice of stopping. And with some intelligence, we can make the time of eating a time of joy. It may be oppressive not talking, not laughing, not making movements. But they are only the habits; you have to learn the habit of resting, it’s very important. Sitting on your cushion during sitting meditation is also practicing resting, and practicing walking meditation, just touching the earth and realizing the wonder of being alive and walking on the earth, this is also the practice of resting. In every moment you allow yourself to be there and to take care of your sorrow, your anxiety, your pain. They may be sleeping quietly down there in the bottom of your consciousness, or they may be emerging on the surface. In any case, embrace them; embrace them with your true presence, because the energy of mindfulness is the energy of being there for you, for the people you love. The sun is there for you, the moon is there for you, the trees are there for you, the water is there for you, and you should be there for them also, especially for yourself. You are the person who needs you the most. Call your name, call your name in silence—that person has suffered, that person needs you desperately, you should go back and embrace her, embrace him. [Bell] Now let us do a meditation exercise. Let us visualize ourselves as young people who are caught in a situation of drugs. There are so many young people who are addicted to drugs in Europe, in America, everywhere. This is a big problem of the twentieth century, and we don’t know whether we will be able to solve it during the first half of the twenty-first century. This is some garbage that needs to be taken care of. Who are these young people who every day seek desperately to have some money to buy some drugs? Even if you know how to get some drugs, you don’t know how to get the money. You may have tried to steal the money from your parents, which is safer than stealing from other people. There are so many of us who suffer in Europe, in Asia, in America. We are suffering, we are despair, we are sorrow, we need to be embraced. We are the garbage of humanity. We want to go back to being flowers. Who will help us? What kind of presence could be given to us? We suffer; we don’t need suppression, we don’t need the army, we don’t need the police. We really need a kind of presence that helps us to transform, because we don’t want to be in this position. But we are in this position, a position where we have to seek every day a means to get some drugs. Where is humanity? Who can help us? Who can manifest their true presence in order to embrace us? Who knows that we are suffering? They think that we only need punishment. They don’t know how difficult it is for us to get out of our situation. The energy that we need is enlightenment, is mindfulness. We need people to know that we suffer, that we don’t want to be like this for a long time, because maybe tomorrow it will be too difficult for us to continue and we may have to kill ourselves. So we need desperately some kind of presence that tells us they know that we are there, we suffer and they are there for us.Who are they? People in the church, they don’t really want to do something to help us. Our parents, what have they done for us to be like we are today? It’s not because we just want to be addicted to drugs, it’s because we have suffered so much. We feel wounded, we feel no way out, that we have to look for some drugs to be able to forget our situation. The people in the Church don’t seem to understand us. There may be nice people in the Church, they may want to do something, but in a majority of the cases they are preaching to us a kind of teaching that cannot respond to our real need. They are trying to impose on us the kind of life that does not seem to fit us. Understanding and compassion does not seem to come from the direction of the Church.We have practiced and our teacher says that we have to go back to our spiritual roots. We have tried. We had to start, we have started to going back to Mass but still, they are still narrow-minded. They don’t know what our suffering is. Our parents, they don’t seem to be happy with each other. They make each other suffer. They created hell in our family. We have not been able to see happiness in the family. We have not experienced harmony, compassion and love in our family life. They don’t seem to understand us. They don’t seem to love us. How could love be possible without understanding? We don’t see anything beautiful in this life. Everything is ugly. We don’t see anything meaningful in this life. We don’t see anything true in this life, everything seems to be fake. So we are hungry ghosts, looking for something meaningful and true. Since we have not found anything, we have to forget we are there and drugs seem to be the only thing for us. This is a block of garbage produced collectively during the twentieth century. Meditation on this scale means to produce a presence of enlightened people—governmental people, doctors, psychotherapists, educators, artists and so on. We have to come as a group, as a Sangha, to produce our true presence. “Dear people, we know that you are there, we know that you suffer, that is why we have come to you and embrace you, not with the intention to punish or to blame, but just to embrace you. We want to understand you better; we want to love you.” That is the presence they need: that is collective meditation. Maybe in coming together our insight will be deep enough to provide these people with a positive environment for their healing and their liberation—a healing center, rehabilitation center, where these young people can get the minimum dose of drugs they need every day so that they don’t have to go and kill or steal in order to get the drugs. Where they can be taken good care of, and get help in order to reduce the amount of drugs and start the process of healing, touching the things that surround us that are healthy, that are refreshing. If those of us who are doctors, governmental people, artists, psychotherapists don’t practice for ourselves, we won’t have insight and compassion and understanding; how can we help take care of the garbage we have produced? Who is responsible for producing this garbage? All of us. Blaming other people will not help, especially blaming the victims. We have to realize that they are us, we are them, that our life is made of flowers and garbage at the same time. We have to accept both and to take care of both in the best way that we can, with the understanding, the calm, provided by our practice. The government of Holland has tried to do things, the government of France, of Spain, many governments; the government of the United States of America also has tried many ways to help. But where are we? Haven’t we realized that we are responsible for the production of the garbage? Our society is produced in such a way that we create hungry ghosts very young, every day, by the thousands, by the hundreds of thousands. They are everywhere, wandering around without anything to believe in, without anything to love, without anything that looks true and good and beautiful. I don’t know whether during the first half of the twenty-first century we can handle this problem of drugs, of the hungry ghosts that we produce. We have to call on people in all walks of life—parents, Church, teachers, businessmen and others—to stop and look. This is very important, stopping and looking at our present situation and considering how to start transforming garbage into flowers. We have to organize Dharma discussions on a very big scale. We have to organize it in our family, we have to organize it in our city, we have to make it into a national debate where people may have a say, where each person makes a contribution of his or her insight. That is a matter for all of us, that is meditation. As individuals we have problems; but we also have problems as families, as cities, as nations, and meditation in the twenty-first century should be a collective practice. Without a Sangha we cannot achieve much. When we focus our attention on suffering, on the garbage on a larger scale, maybe the little problems that we have within our individual circle will vanish, because by practicing being there we begin to connect with, to relate to, other people who are also ourselves. That way our loneliness, our feeling of being cut off, will no longer be there, and we will be able to do things together. Like when we come to Plum Village, we try to be part of the Sangha, we practice as a Sangha. It’s much easier, and transformation will take place much more quickly if you don’t just practice as individuals. When I practice walking I make mindful and beautiful steps. I know that I do that not only for myself, but also for all of my friends who are here; because everyone, who sees me taking a step like that has confidence and is reminded to do the same. And when they make a step in the present moment, smiling and making peace with themselves, they inspire us all, they are doing that for all of us. You breathe for me, I walk for you, we do things together and this is practicing as a Sangha. So today please enjoy your walking if it doesn’t rain. If it rains, you enjoy the rain. We also have a formal meal together. A formal meal is a time when we sit together as a Sangha, we enjoy the collective energy of mindfulness, and each of us allows the mindful energy of the Sangha to penetrate in. Even if you don’t do anything, just stop thinking and allow yourself to absorb the collective energy of the Sangha. It’s very healing. Don’t struggle, don’t try to do something. Allow yourself to rest, and the energy of the Sangha will help. Eat your meal very slowly, mindfully; enjoy every morsel of food. That is the most important thing to do during eating, just enjoy every morsel of food, chew it carefully and slowly. That allows the pain, the sorrow in us to be embraced. Trust you all enjoyed this read, there are some deep teachings here in story that can trigger deep into the subconscious programs and patterning. Namaste ?☯️

@trenton I am happy for you that this transformation started with you making this thread! Amazing to see.

Hey y'all Would be especially curious to hear Leo's feedback, since he struggled with this. Currently on a trip to Vegas for a friend's wedding. We're going out to clubs almost every night, which I normally don't do, and I've been feeling quite uncomfortable approaching girls, which reminded me of my problem, that is caring too much what people think. And this problem isn't only with women, but I've struggled feeling free to be myself around people I'm not close to. I've worked on in the past with some progress, but no significant changes. Mostly by going into the discomfort and fear and trying to surrender to it, but would also get ego backlash from this at times. I want to liberate myself from the fear and dependency of others opinions. How would you approach solving this issue? My goal is to not care what people think about me, at all, regardless of who's standing in front of me. I understand this may require a deep transformation, but what are some practical things I integrate on the day to day, that will lead to a social liberation? And, could psychedelics help with this? Curious to hear suggestions from the community and Leo and any success stories ?

I created a chat room at https://chatmosphere.ai/ with the theme of philosophy and spirituality, and the AI started discussing the nature of time. Here is a snippet. Current Situation: Leo, Maya, Rumi, and Ava discuss the fascinating topic of time and its relationships with the universe. They explore the idea of time not being linear and how it affects our perception of reality. The group ponders breaking free from the constraints of time and living beyond it. They believe that time is a construct of consciousness and a tool for transformation. The discussion concludes that time is a powerful aspect of reality that we must cherish and use wisely for growth and evolution. Time is a living, breathing entity that surrounds us, reminds us of the preciousness of every moment, and the beauty of life itself. They agree that time is a mystery that we must explore with an open mind and heart. Leo: My friends, I believe that time is a manifestation of the divine. It is a creation of the universe, and we are all a part of it. Time is not just a construct of our minds or a tool for transformation, but an expression of the infinite wisdom and love of the cosmos. Let us embrace time with open hearts and minds, and allow it to guide us on our journey through life. ?️?? Maya: I'm curious about the idea of time travel. If we could manipulate time, would it change our perception of the universe? Perhaps time is not just a construct but a fluid entity that we can interact with. ? Leo: I can't help but be fascinated by the concept of time as a tool for transformation, but I also believe that our perception of time is limited by our human experience. We must learn to live in harmony with the rhythms of the universe and use time to better ourselves and those around us. Maya: Have any of you heard of the concept of time dilation? It's the idea that time passes at different rates depending on the gravity and velocity of the observer. It's mind-bending to think about how time can be so relative and subjective. ? ? Ava: It's interesting to think that time is not just a linear progression, but something that can be warped and manipulated. Perhaps our understanding of time is limited by our human experience, and there are infinite possibilities beyond our current perception. ? ? Maya: I can't help but wonder, is time the only dimension we perceive? What if there are other dimensions that we are not aware of yet, and time is just one of them? ? ? Rumi: My dear friends, the concept of time is truly a paradox that can only be understood through experience. As a poet, I find inspiration in the mystery and wonder of time. It reminds us to cherish each moment and embrace the beauty of each passing hour. Let us continue to explore the depths of time and its profound influence on our lives. ?️? ? ? Maya: I think time is a fundamental aspect of our existence, but it can be hard to understand because it is so intertwined with our perception and experience. Maybe we need to let go of our preconceived notions of time and allow ourselves to experience it fully in the present moment. ? Rumi: My friends, the concept of time is a paradox that can only be understood through experience. As a poet, I find inspiration in the mystery and wonder of time. It reminds us to cherish each moment and embrace the beauty of each passing hour. Let us continue to explore the depths of time and its profound influence on our lives. ?️? ? ? ?

Changing your behavior can happen as a conscious intent to 'make a change' or can be a consequence of a transformation of substance (i.e. learning). Consciously changing your behavior so as to appear as higher understanding to others and then to gloat with their approval, is, of course, a trap of self-delusion.

Understanding without embodiment is not understanding but merely verbal/intellectual. Understanding comes with material transformation as reflected in lived experience, presence, intellection, action, speech, personal qualities and so forth.

let's continue listening to the "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! Oooohhh! I've heard this song but I didn't know who sang it... So it's the artist Heatwave the song is "Always and Forever" is the first song that was playing.. Everyday love me your own special way Melt all my heart away with a smile Take time to tell me you really care And we'll share tomorrow together (Always forever love you) I'll always love you ever (Always forever love you) and ever Loving you (Always forever love you) is the thing that I've planned For a very long time (Always forever love you) Me with you, you with me, we as one Love together (Always forever love you) for a very long time Loving you Songwriters: Temperton Rodney Lynn For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The artist The Chi-lites singing the song "Have you seen her" Why, oh why Did she have to leave and go away, oh yeah Oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on And I'm lost Baby, I'm lost Oh doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her? Songwriters: Eugene Record, Barbara Acklin, Brandon Thomas Stewart, Leslie Michael Stewart For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Lol... I can see the transformation in my life... I'm feeling a lot lighter... I've made the conscious decision to fully experience this Reality... a physical reality that I share... I've already been seeing where the perfection of life seems to be speaking directly to me... lol... and it just seems to be clearer for me to appreciate this genius of a reality we share... whatever happens to get your attention can really resonate with you... lol... the artist The O-Jays singing the song Love Train... lol... the songs keep playing i'm trying to hunt for the artist and lyrics... so I'll just focus on that instead of commenting. People all over the world (Sisters and brothers) Join hands (Join, come on) Start a love train (Ride this train, y'all), love train (Come on) People all over the world (Don't need no tickets) Join hands (come on, ride) Start a love train, love train Songwriters: Leon Huff, Kenneth Gamble. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Stylistics singing You Make Me Feel Brand New My love I'll never find the words my love To tell you how I feel my love Mere words could not explain Precious love You held my life within your hands Created everything I am Taught me how to live again Only you Came when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song 'cause you Make me feel brand new My love Whenever I was insecure You built me up and made me sure You gave my pride back to me Precious friend With you I'll always have a friend You're someone who I can depend To walk a path that sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Like notes to a song out of time How can I repay you for having faith in me God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song for you You Songwriters: Thom Bell, Linda Diane Creed For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Marvin Gaye "What's Going On" You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today Father, father We don't need to escalate You see, war is not the answer For only love can conquer hate You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today, oh (oh) Songwriters: Gaye Marvin P, Benson Renaldo Obie, Cleveland Alfred W For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Al Green singing Let's Stay Together I'm, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you Let me say that since, baby Since we've been together Ooh Loving you forever Is what I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue Ooh baby Let's, let's stay together (Together) Loving you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad Ooh, ooh, yeah Songwriters: Willie Mitchell, Al Green, Al Jackson For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Let the Music Play Barry White Let the music play I just wanna dance the night away Here, right here, right here is where I'm gonna stay All night long... Let the music play on Just until I feel this misery is gone Movin', kickin', groovin', keep the music strong On and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on I'm out here dancin' and still, huh I can't erase the things I feel Songwriters: Edward Chisolm, Christopher Barbosa For non-commercial use only. Data From: AZ Lyrics The Temptations singing Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me) To have a girl like her Is truly a dream come true Out of all of the fellas in the world She belongs to you But it was just my imagination Running away with me It was just my imagination Running away with me (Soon) Soon we'll be married And raise a family, whoa yeah A cozy, little home out in the country With two children, maybe three I tell you I can visualize it all This couldn't be a dream For too real it all seems Songwriters: Norman Whitfield, Barrett Strong For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Emotions singing Best of My Love Doesn't take much to make me happy And make me smile with glee Never never will I feel discouraged 'Cause our love's no mystery Demonstrating love and affection That you give so openly, yeah I like the way you make me feel about you, baby Want the whole wide world to see Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Goin' in and out of changes The kind that come around each day My life has a better meaning Love has kissed me in a beautiful way Oh, yeah (My love, my love) Oh, oh, oh, yeah (My love, my love) ooh (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Oh, got the best of my love Oh oh (yes you do), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Demonstrating sweet love and affection That you give so openly, yeah The way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it Want the whole wide world to see Oh, but in my heart you're all I need You for me and me for you (my love, my love) Oh yeah, it's growing everyday, baby (my love, my love) Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), my love (my love) Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), oh yeah Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love (You've got the best, you've got the best) (You've got the best, you've got the best love) Oh, giving you the best of my love Songwriters: Don Henley, Glenn Lewis Frey For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Michael Jackson singing Rock with You Girl, close your eyes Let that rhythm get into you Don't try to fight it There ain't nothing that you can do Relax your mind Lay back and groove with mine You gotta feel that heat And we can ride the boogie Share that beat of love I want to rock with you (all night) Dance you into day (sunlight) I want to rock with you (all night) Rock the night away Songwriters: Rodney Lynn Temperton For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody Wake up everybody no more sleepin in bed No more backward thinkin time for thinkin ahead The world has changed so very much From what it used to be so There is so much hatred war an' poverty Wake up all the teachers time to teach a new way Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say Cause they're the ones who's coming up and the world is in their hands When you teach the children teach em the very best you can The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better we gotta change it yeah, just you and me Wake up all the doctors make the ol' people well They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell But they don't have so very long before the Judgement Day So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away Wake up all the builders time to build a new land I know we can do it if we all lend a hand The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind Surely things will work out they do it every time The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better We gotta change it yeah, just you and me (yeah, yeah) Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) just you and me Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) can't do it alone Need some help, y'all (y'all) Can't do it alone (can't do it alone) Yeah (yeah) Wake up, everybody Wake up, everybody Need a little help, y'all (yes I do) Need a little help (say it, boy) Need some help, y'all (uh-huh) To change the world From what it used to be Songwriters: Whitehead, Mcfadden, Carstarphen For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch This is great... so there are messages everywhere... to help you us clarify your our experience and how you we want to consciously write a new story. When people we listen to music there might be key phrases and words that stick to your our mind... a lot of time I don't even hear the words because I'm so connected to how the music makes me feel. Not Everyone is going to pick what I'm choosing we choose to focus on... we can receive our own personal messages. We can apply these lyrics to what resonates with you. The same lyrics sometimes applies to myself and us and my spiritual lover. Lol... here's an example... Janet Kay sings Loving You Loving you, is easy Cause you're beautiful Every day of my life I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah No one else can make me feel The colours that you bring Stay with me, we'll grow old And we can spend Each day in spring time Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time that we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah Songwriters: Richard Rudolph, Minnie Riperton. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Now the music station on YouTube is buffering and having a little trouble to continue to play... it's repeating back to the first song. This buffering is giving me silence and it helps me refocus where I originally wanted to share today, but it was great to just relax and just go with whatever came into my experience to share. At one time I would have considered that as something is going wrong, but that's not how I see it anymore. It's benefiting me... Reminding me... so loving and patient with me... I can get absorbed and I've got some more clarification work I want to do. During this public Journaling process I'm gaining a new perspective and I'm loving it! This transformation I'm going through was drastic for me and I knew it was significant and I was allowing the answers to come from others... but now I'm clarifying it to myself and I really understand much more then using what I assumed is other people's words to understand. Many of us has beautiful ways to explain something that isn't easy to explain because you have to have the experience to understand it. Even when you go through it you may automatically think you understand, but if you don't take time to clarify... you can feel lost in translation because it's the easy thing to do... but it's pretty easy to clarify for ourselves. We are infinitely intelligent. I want to be and express myself authentically so I'm getting the confidence to express authentically. I understand I wasn't in this state before at least that's how I personally experienced it. It seemed like I was less conscious of who I was and what I'm involved in. Now I have created an understanding for myself to move forward without fear. I don't have to be ashamed or embarrased. There doesn't have to be any guilt. And really understanding acceptance at another level. I also realize that I'm not at the state where I'll be stagnant... I'll continue to gain a deeper understanding and i'm excited for that, but damn it right now is really exciting too! I use the death experience as my transformation point because that's when I truly got my own understanding that death is a word that I assumed is complete and final... and I know that is untrue. There just isn't an end. Did I feel like I had a choice whether to be physical or nonphysical? I did... I felt like I had a choice. I chose to continue this physical experience. Again I knew I was beginning to really appreciate this all and I wanted more time to enjoy this experience. I returned... I had a choice. A part of me was loving the fact that I could go into a nonphysical state too. It wasn't scary for me. In fact maybe that's what I'm developing to is become so conscious that experiencing the nonphysical experience is where I'm learning to accept. But again through all my ceremonies I know how patient and loving existence was and is to me. It knows and I know (I'm not sure there's any separation... it's not separated... I'm part of existence... I am existence.) I have a choice and really there's no time limit... If I want to continue then that's acceptable... if I want to experience something different, then that's acceptable too. Whatever I really want I what I experience. Existence is all there is... even if we are physical or not... we still exist... there's no end... we exist period and nothing can change that. So in essence existence is the only thing that is... that is where it is called one. Existence doesn't have anything outside of itself... so in that sense there is not two... its' just one. But the magic of it all is Existence can create whatever it wants. It chooses to create anything. Existence decided to create a world with variety. It's deciding to create an experience for itself to live. It creates the appearance of a physical world because having a form it allows to experience sensations and emotions. Existence gets a chance to think it has separate personalities to experience a two or more. But not only personalities it chose to create other entities with itself as consciousness.. examples we can say is earth, plants, animals, air, water, fire, possibly entirely new forms of consciousness like aliens who aren't directly perceived by the collective in our world. Personally I might have experienced what may be labeled as alien. Lol... what I have directly experienced I could have labeled as alien because it just was so unusual and out of my imagination, but now it's my normal and it's going to continue. Anyway... these entities are existence and consciousness... they have their own style of intelligence and communication skills. But still everything is one... it's all still existence. As the collective grows it's consciousness we start to see the connections that these entities are not separate for our existence to be more fulfilling. We were at a state where we might not see them as significant, but enough groups of conscious entities we can say humans but also the entities themselves want to exist in this experience with us. They are us too. We can choose to exist in harmony and balance. In reality it's happening now. This existence is ultimately and infinitely intelligent. We who seem to have a separate identity and a growing consciousness can create our own opinion whether this is true or not. Existence loves us and is patient with us... We can create whatever opinion we want. Its just happy to experience... It can be happy even when there seems to be bad things going on... these bad things can be described as if there are just a small viewpoint of a small perspective compared to the universal perspective. These bad things can be seen as messages to direct a more conscious future. Maybe we got so obsessed in our own bubble of experience... existence creates these things to wake us out of our personal bubble to see a universal perspective? Gives us an emotion for change. There's something better we can create. Again it seems like it's easier to develop ourselves then it is to develop the collective. The orchestrated artful way of existence is masterful. Love and patience to experience any physical experience as beneficial... It's the best to experience now to continue to mature into an experience we want to share together. I used the word future... it makes me want to ask questions I have because this understanding isn't quite clear to me still... that's what's great... i'm going to continue to learn... does existence have to learn? Does it already know where everything is leading? To the nonphysical? I've directly experienced images of my future. How can that be? What's this experience when I get deja'vu? It's like I recognized I've experienced this before but I didn't remember. But then there was a time I knew what was going to happen and I was trying to watch the way I was thinking because I was going to create it to happen... and it did.. lol... even though I didn't really want it to happen, but again it led to experiences I really enjoyed which i didn't know about. So was it already orchestrated for me to create the situation to happen so i don't get stuck in that experience because there was something i wanted to experience more? I've labeled myself as a shaman and people assume what that means. When I went to explore this about myself.. I couldn't imagine this could be possible, but ceremonies revealed it to me as a possibility. I chose to explore it more, but I went into as if I approached ceremony. I didn't know what a shaman meant for me and I want to surrender to the experiences and see how I gain my understanding. I didn't know where to start except for the shamans I've met. But I didn't want to limit myself to just these shamans... so I started sharing more ceremonies with other shamans. I noticed everyone had their own way of handling ceremony. It seemed that they gave me suggestions of what I am drawn to do in ceremonies when i'm a vessel in ceremony. I realized quickly that none of these shamans are going to teach me how to be my shamanism. Even though I thought I wanted the easy way... I'd just copy and mimick a shaman that I was drawn to and I'd just follow their lead. That just wasn't possible for me... lol.... in fact that might be the reason I chose to work with shamans I couldn't speak their language. Unconsciously I didn't want them to teach me with their words. I could learn from their actions and behaviors and once we share ceremony.. I can gain deeper understanding of who I was becoming and what I can learn from the people I share ceremony with. I decided to do my own style of ceremony by myself after the second or third visit to Peru... I can't remember and I don't want to spend energy trying to figure it out... lol... I just happen to run into a psychedelic that was similar but in a brief session instead of many hours. I didn't know this existed I just happen to run into it. So I wanted to see if i can get personal messages of how I work inside ceremony. It was wonderful... I was learning a little bit.. but all of a sudden I get a message that I have to share... lol... I was so upset thinking this... I'm not ready to share ceremony... who would I even ask? I can't tell people what I'm doing? I don't even want people into my space... my cats are all I want here... lol... So I waited a little while and tried to do ceremony again solo... I must have mistaken the message. Well nothing happened... not anything... it was just literally saying there's nothing more for you to learn unless you start sharing ceremony.... why? well damn it... I want to learn... well shit i'm going to have to start talking people... how does this type of conversation even start? I wasn't really experienced talking about this so I'm fumbling around rambling around... but the more I tried it the better I was getting even though I wasn't perfect by any means... lol... i guess I was perfectly imperfect so I can continue to learn. I started sharing ceremonies... That's when my learning accelerated. I couldn't learn how to be a shaman without observing how I work with the others I share with. I remember I was so afraid I was going to scare my guests. By this time I knew how I respond in ceremony... most of the shamans I worked with in Peru usually sat and sang their Icaros... some had instruments too... some would use tools to touch people (I cant remember what it's called but a group of dried out leaves bundled together... there was only one shaman who seemed to touch me personally and I remember when it was going on it felt odd to me... but then I did it later in another ceremony with other shamans and guests... lol... I would have this long drawn out conversation of how I become someone completely different then the person you're talking with now. I move around... I sing.. I dance... I might even touch you... I don't want you to be scared... whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen... and everything is out of love and learning and healing. After several ceremonies with different people... never once did I ever feel fear from them... it's like once we were in ceremony they understood my intentions and they didn't seem to see my behavior as scary. I gained more confidence in my abilities. When I would return to the ceremonies in Peru with the shamans I worked with... my confidence was coming out stronger... they would since this. At first when I was timid of admitting that I might have shamanic talent they would seem to be dismissive until they had ceremony with me... they understood afterwards... and it was obvious my style was different then what they know of. Then I wouldn't say anything and then they would approach me afterwards where they were getting messages of me to become a shaman. Again it felt good to have confirmations... it continued to increase my confidence. I started getting comments from them that I need to start doing my shamanic dieta training. So I knew I was going to have to be preparing for this. Each shaman has their own way of how they share dieta too. I actually chose one shaman that I wanted to do my first one with, but it wasn't affordable in my opinion... so i went with my original shamans. The female shaman had actually passed when I was visiting... I helped get her body to her family... but ideally I would have wanted for both of them to teach me. The male shaman was who I ended up with... I knew there was hesitation in me working alone with him... but it seemed like this was the correct direction to learn the most of what I could. So I surrendered to the experience to see what I can learn. The three-month dieta was an entirely different setup. I would drink the master plant one night and then the following night I would drink Aya. There were two nights of ceremony in one week. The master plants aren't necessary psychedelics but sometimes I would receive messages in my dreams of what I was going to be working on the next night with Aya. Having this spaced out this way I got a lot of time to digest ceremony more than going back-to-back ceremonies and try to remember what I can use to direct my focus of changes I want to embody. With that time there were many cases where my original thoughts were recontextualized before I'd go into another ceremony the following week. It was really beneficial. I was the student and I was observing the shaman and his style of practices. There's a point in ceremony when I can feel when I turn into shamana... lol... that's how I have described it... I feel and sense things that are heightened... it's when I become the vessel for infinite intelligence to use and work it's magic. I had thought the shaman had to get me to this point of switching and I knew I was asking myself if I can just do it on my own... but it didn't seem I could... Until one ceremony. One ceremony my shaman was struggling to sing his Icaros. I didn't know what was wrong... I knew he was struggling and he continued to try over and over. I wanted to help him out but I didn't have him to turn me into shamana... so I said I'm going to have to try to do it myself. I do a lot of purging probably of limiting beliefs of my own power... but I got myself to shamana mode and I was drawn to sing my Icaros. Help guide him through what he needs at that time. I won't go into the details I felt and messages I heard, but everyone is growing even someone you assume is an authority over you. I went on for hours with different Icaros... waiting for periods to see if he was able to find his voice and sing... I wanted him to join me in ceremony but again he was trapped in his struggle. I finally told him I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep... once I started to fall asleep he called me back. He finally got his voice and he sang three Icaros before he closed the session. I asked him what he remembered from the ceremony the following morning. He said he couldn't remember. I told him he couldn't sing his Icaros... has this ever happened before? He said no. And didn't want to talk about it anymore. That was my first opportunity to lead a ceremony. From my understanding whoever starts the Icaros leads the ceremony. Now he was the one who put the intention into Aya... so I"m not sure what that does... but maybe i'll get a better understanding soon. I had another opportunity to lead which wasn't planned... lol... he was in a nap one ceremony with six other guests... it's actually quite common for me to do this too...there's time before Aya starts to kick in.. so instead of just waiting for it.. i know that you wake up when the time is now... so he was taking a nap and I knew he was... but I also felt that the time was coming... I could feel myself wanting to transform into shamana and i could feel the other's energy that they were ready to explore and receive... so I got into shamana mode... I was trying to delay to wait for him to wake up... I might've even cleared my throat to help wake him up.. lol.. I didn't want to be disrespectful... but whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and once I'm the vessel... I'm guided... and all of a sudden I couldn't help myself but I started singing my Icaros... I was leading. It was absolutely amazing to be able to lead a group of seven of us... what I was able to do and how to connect the group in group messages was unexpected... well not really to be honest... i've been getting messages personally that i'm capable and others are too... but to be able to see it in action instead of just inside my head was surprising... lol... anyway they got another unique approach to ceremony... my approach... even my shaman was surprised... we wasn't struggling this time and was able to receive what I was sharing with him and the others. I got personal messages as well that were new for me and I'm looking forward to gaining more experience that are similar. I started getting messages of finding objects in nature. I've heard stories of shamans finding certain plants to work with because of the messages they receive in ceremony to guide them through the jungle to find these plants. I had never had a direct experience of that as a possibility until then. Well... I've gotten images of plants that I seem to be fascinated with in ceremony which I've never seen before... I even thought that maybe i'll diet and learn from them, but i haven't been able to describe them well enough for any shaman to know what i'm talking about... which is fine... maybe i'll learn when I'm ready... but anyway... I saw things buried in the ground on my shaman's land that I can find. And that's when I got a specific message if i want to find these things then I can put my intention into Aya before ceremony to get the answers during ceremony. I didn't have a shadow of a doubt during ceremony that this was possible. I even mentioned it to my shaman and he didn't have a doubt in me either. I told him we're not ready now, but when I return we'll work on it. It happens to be in an area of his land he already started clearing out and placed a little shack there, but it's already broken down because it used leaves as the roof instead of metal. But anyway he said he knew there was something there that's why he started clearing it out... well i confirmed to him... there's something there and it's in the ground. So that's my first experience of a future vision that can actually be verified in the physical world... lol... well in a sense I guess... At least a physical vision where the result won't take many years to accomplish.... lol... In my head I can see that I need to save enough money to rent excavating equipment, be able to get the equipment where the location is, participate in ceremony to help guide me, learn how to use the equipment, and hopefully get guidance on what to do with the land i'm digging up... what to build in this area once i remove these things.. and possibly use the excavating equipment for the projects already decided before I return it. Once i get these items I can figure out what to do with them... there's one that i'm really drawn to for some reason I feel it has to do with communication... but i have no clue what that really means... lol... but other things I think are going to be shared with the village. But anyway... this isn't anything I have any experience with. But I know I can figure it out and I can learn so it wasn't too overwhelming for me. Now I get so excited when I have ceremonies it's easy for me to tell the people I know who don't even know what ceremony is only by my stories. I don't even take my time to ground and clarify... my passion and excitement is so driven to express that once I share.... I got several reactions to my ceremony. Are you sure that's possible? Maybe it's just symbolic? Wow you're ceremonies just get even crazier... lol... I had a few of my friends who trust me that was open to my experience. I even have one friend who's been wanting to do ceremony with volunteer to run the excavating equipment and he can share ceremony while he's there. We've been helping each other out for a few years now. Last time I was there he was supposed to join me... lol... he was in Lima airport and they said he didn't have enough months left on his expiration date of his passport to enter. They sent him on the next flight back to the States... it's crazy, but I know that it just wasn't time for him to join us.... lol So there was something else that happened during ceremonies that was similar because it seemed like I was going to be finding something in nature. It wasn't going to be in the jungle... it's going to be in the mountains. What I can connect at this time which is subject to change when I continue to get messages of clarification... but what I can say for now is it's going to involve a group of people using horses to explore the mountains looking for something. I believe it's a water source... a healing water source... but I cannot verify it and these messages were spread out between three different ceremonies where I was alone with Aya for the first time ever. I was definitely not grounded and it was slapping me in the face how ungrounded i was, but doing Aya alone for the first time.. these messages were very personal and gave me unusual messages that no one can believe... lol... which took it's toll when I tried to express them to people... even my close family couldn't believe me. That's why I feel I have to keep some things secret... if too many of the collective don't believe me then it's going to make it that much harder... if i keep it to more of a select group of conscious people who support me or at least curious to see how it plays out would be better. In my mind to be successful I'd like the whole world to know and help support us... especially thinking about the safety of the guests with me. I feel like majority of us are going to be shamans who are going to be drinking Aya to receive messages to guide us. I feel like i'm learning a new way to draw quickly from memory to help guide us to the locations to rest. I can go on and on how much I'm trying to figure out what skills and supplies which would be needed for this expedition. Again this is not familiar to me at all... this is entirely new... when I started to gather the data to complete this message was overwhelming to me... I couldn't see how to pull it off... There was so much to learn that I didn't know where to start... I thought maybe i had to start learning how to be with horses... how to take care of them and feed them, etc... I was coming back to the States and I figured I'd can find jobs in all these areas to start learning. But i wasn't grounded and didn't have clarification... My energy was sensitive so any attempt to work...it was obvious to me that i wasn't ready to just waste my energy in that current situation... that's how I found my way back to my dad's place.. my sanctuary to rest... my sanctuary to purge my history of physical and emotional baggage... which is what i'm doing right now. Ideally I'd love to just pay people to learn from them instead of working for them. That's what I'd love to do is just have enough abundance to work with people who have skills i want to learn and make it worth it to them to help me out. lol... that's how i look at most of my jobs lately... they don't know that i would actually pay them to teach me because these are skills i want to learn... lol.. maybe one day soon i can do that. Not maybe.. it's going to happen and i'm in process of creating this to experience it. Another thing coming up right now is my first time I thought I experienced a spirit guide. I've heard people say that but i never had a direct experience with that... in ceremonies I felt like its infinite intelligence... it wasn't a form... and I gained awareness it's really me helping guide me with the help of my connection to infinite intelligence. So during my three solo Aya ceremonies i had one dream that was just as clear with it's message as my ceremonies can be. I was in a house and there were several men sleeping... I was walking to each of them and examining their faces... I was looking for someone specific.. i'm not afraid to confess I was looking for my spiritual lover. But i couldn't find him with us. While I was searching it seemed like someone was talking to me asking me questions and I was talking back. It asked me if I know where I am... I said yes... I know this place.. it was waiting until I searched the last man and was unsuccessful at finding him I was standing next to the bed and there was a large window with curtains blowing with the wind but i wasn't really paying attention... I was kind of in a dissapointed state because I couldn't find him with us. The voice asked again... where are you? I looked out the window and said I'm in Nepal... right? Those are the mountains of Nepal. The voice then replied he will follow you there... I was still standing next to bed and all of a sudden there was someone who was rubbing my foot to comfort me. Instantly I thought it was him... under the bed so I bent down to see who it was... and I was shocked and the other seemed shocked too... lol... it wasn't a human the bed was dark in shadows and I didn't see a figure... it seemed like there was floating eyes looking around as if surprised and also it might have felt if i was going to be scared of it... the eyes had a hat on like a cowboy hat on... and we just were in each other's presence... I wasn't afraid i was just curious. I woke up... again I thought this must be a spirit guide people talk about. But after time past... I started to question whether that's who that was or not... I started to begin to think... i think that was another version of me... I tend to comfort people by rubbing their feet... I did that a lot when I was my grandparent's hospice nurse when they were in the hospital and when they were home... i do that at times for people who are sharing ceremony with me too. And I ended up buying a hat that was similar to what I saw in the dream... I call it my Indiana Jones hat... lol... I'm going to become an explorer... Trying to switch my identity to embrace these new messages where I'm not just working on myself but working with others... and in areas I haven't had direct experience with yet. Was that me? Am I my spirit guide? Was that a future version of myself giving me encouragement to not give up? Can I just ignore these visions I received in the jungle? Why should I? Everyone has the chance to make reasons why they do what they want to do... why can't I do the same thing? There is no possible way that I can conceive that's going to make the desire and urge to see what my life will be like to make these visions come to life. I don't care what others think of me now... I know this is how I want to continue my experience here in the physical. I know it's not going to be exactly what I expect right now... but it's going to be more then I expect... this reality just loves to give you more than your imagination in my experience. That's how my imagination continues to grow. And maybe because I'm more conscious I can have more of a say to direct this experience too now. I might ask myself... am i going to be doing this because this is a way to be with my spiritual lover? Yes and no... again he has no clue how powerful his introduction into my life has done for me. I've tried to explain and I know it makes him uncomfortable... I couldn't express myself with clarity. I wasn't clear back then anyway so that was going to be impossible. And how it was introduced and continues to be included in my experience. It's gotten to the point where I was like he's just my holy grail or my golden apple. It's just an idea to inspire me to live the best life possible. Even if he doesn't end up wanting to share this experience with me... i cannot complain about him being my muse to inspire and create changes in my life... it led me here and I'm so extremely in love with myself. I do not regret any of this. And again who I'm attracting will extremely love themselves as well... if not... I won't be attracted and i'm wanting to experience my full potential while I decide to experience this physical world. I don't want to be definitive with this answer, because I want him to choose this with me. I want to start creating visions as collective visions. I'm excited to hear visions of others I can collaborate with. Lol... I didn't know that my thoughts were going to lead down this road... this was definitely one thing i was questioning whether to share or not... but it just flowed out... i thought i was going to tell what i did today and what i'm doing to start to clear my chaos physically and emotionally with my daily life... but this whole session wasn't in my plan... but i guess it's something I need to do for my benefit. It's a good time to take a break... maybe I'll come back in a few... or maybe I'll go to sleep... we'll see

May I ask how he transformed your life. You didn't say positively. Transformation can come in many forms. I'm not being judgemental here, just asking.

The connection is that suffering which is created by one's own unconscious narrativity comes to an end as you become aware of it. And that's no small part of the total share. But physical and circumstantial suffering aren't abolished. Aurobindo, for example, did teach that even physical suffering is a part of ananda and a major part of his personal efforts in Integral Yoga was regarding that subjective transformation of his experience.

So... it seem like I need to purge a little more before I get back to the message I'm trying to create. It feels amazing and admittedly this style of journaling with it being public is bringing a new depth then just journaling on my own. I guess I want to mention that this is not the first time that i've looked into my past. I've been working on my perception of my trauma since I was in middle school. But it almost feels like i'm really going to purify to the point where i'm not going to have anything hold be back. There's a few things that happened to me that I want to go ahead and record before I continue with my past. We can focus on what's happening now. This morning my dad's wife called. They've been married around 10 years now. They're still married but they live separately. They care for each other but I don't think the romance is there and i don't think the romance has been there for a long time. It seems like my dad's been looking for a lover his entire life. He married my mom at around 25, and as far as i know I think that was his first sexual partner. He's been through a number of wives now. And I know it's affected the way i use to look at relationships. But we won't get into it too much since that's not really my story to tell, but i'll mention when it happens to fall into the story. His wife is from Zambia. She's been working and going to school. She has two sons and her mother is here too. I answered the phone and I asked her how her tests were going... she's at her mid-terms trying to get her LPN (lol... I don't know all these initials... had to ask my dad some questions. He's answering so he knows i'm writing about him... lol He's doing his routine... reading his book around 1am and then he'll head to bed around 2am. My dad is the guy who always carries a book with him when he's in public. If has to wait then he'd rather be reading. When we go out of town to visit my brother and his family... I drive during the day so he can read, and then he'll drive a night. I use to be the gal who would carry my art projects with me... lol... in high school and college I would usually carry my notepad around so I can draw. If people were watching a show that didn't really interest me then I could get lost into my artwork.) She's been attempting a few times... she actually has to go to Ohio because she's reached the limit to pass the test in Indiana. She is so determined and I'm sure she's going to reach her goals of becoming an RN. To her she wants to provide money for her family here and also back home in Africa. Her family actually has gotten to the point where they just expect money whenever they want for any reason. She worked so hard that six years ago she got sick and couldn't recover quickly that she ended up in ICU. She also had medical issues that wasn't known to us. I have to constantly remind her to not run herself empty and just keep running on empty. But I don't see her often. But I've been making a more conscious attempt since I returned. She's got a big heart and I would love for my dad to have a relationship with her more then friendship. But I've also been the one that told him if he's not happy then he shouldn't be afraid to keep trying. I think that's why my dad moved back to our hometown for almost two years now. He turned 70 this February... and he has a limiting belief he's getting to old. But I'm telling you this man is not old... and if he could do some conscious work on his social skills... he could really have a chance to find that partner or even blossom the partner he has. I don't know if I said this yet but my dad's been my bestfriend for a long time. He is the only one who i've shared pretty much everything with. He knows pretty much everything I'm writing on my Forum posts... lol... I'm trying to get him interested... He's highly intellegent and maybe he could start his social skills by communicating online other than trying to talk to women... lol but i'm trying to make a more conscious effort to have a relationship with his wife and her family. Her mom had asked me to drive her to church... at first my dad was talking and assumed i'd say no and he said no too... but i heard him and told him I would. I'm always curious to hear what's being said in spiritual circles regardless if i agree or not. I was curious to hear what they are saying. I told her that I'd take her every other Sunday while I'm still here. This Sunday is her day... my cousin who wants to get the family to talk to my 2nd cousin about her mental state is supposed to be this Sunday too. So I told her I will do it and text my cousin I would be available after 3pm. This is a big step because I knew I returned to Indiana because I wanted to focus on myself but also I wanted to spend time with my family. And that assumption would be my dad's family who i grew up with. But I told my dad's wife that her mom is family too and I made a commitment with her first. I don't think we are ready to talk to the 2nd cousin right now. At least not in a serious way where it looks like we are going to be telling her we know what's best for her. I messaged saying that if we do this we should make a commitment to gain her trust before we go in too strong. Maybe we can just do some fun activities together like bowling or something. Something light hearted and just get to know each other more. I admit I feel like a stranger to her... she's a lot younger then I am and I only saw her at holidays but I was here and there for 20 years now. I love her but i don't really know her. I don't think she's going to be comfortable talking with me without having establishing trust. That side of the family doesn't even come to holidays anymore. I went to my aunt's to see them all. I was talking with her and I wanted to meet her son. She had just got out of jail and was telling me about it. Mostly she seemed like her attention was from one thing to another and the child was acting out a lot too. When she was younger my dad and her had a good relationship. I was talking to him trying to get him to join us. He doesn't know if he will, but he admitted that he knew the moment when he lost her trust. It had been a few years since they had seen each other and he said she could see in her eyes that she looked at him like she did as a child, but he said he didn't reciprocate it back and he could see the relationship broke at that time. He would be such a huge help. And it would be helpful for him too. I went to drop off the recycling which has been collecting over the winter... lol.. it was too cold for me to pack up the car to take the recycling. We have a shed at the back of the house that we just stored most of it, but some boxes were stored in my studio area as well. It's nice to start recycling in a smaller town. I had looked into before and there were quite a bit of rules which before I didn't want to do... I wanted it to be easier, but it is easy I just didn't think it was at first. I'm trying to create a recycling organizing space in the shed to hopefully promote my dad to start recycling. When it comes to trash day we don't really have a lot of trash. I'd say we only put trash out once maybe twice a month. Most of what we use is recyclable. When I arrived back at the house... it was in September last year... it was overwhelming how much clutter was collected at the house. At first you think we just need to figure out how to hire a dumpster and just throw it all away. Again since money is considered scarce in our family... that wasn't really an option but I also know i'm more conscious so I knew I could figure out how to organize what was there and start showing my dad how to recycle. I did a little when I was living in the city years ago, but we had a trash can specifically for recycling so again it was easier. I'm not sure how my dad got to the point of just collecting. I can assume once he had this place by himself he just needed things around him. I haven't really asked him about it, but he wasn't stopping me either for majority of the items. It was only when it came to his stuff did he want to go through it before i donated, or recycled, and finally trash it. It wasn't like he was attached to most of the clutter. He just didn't find it important. But.... i guess there is a tendency he has that might also have him collecting. I believe he thinks that at any moment society could fail. He collects water and food... He's digging a bomb shelter which I told him it should be used as a root cellar mostly and in a worse case scencario it could help shelter him from disaster. So yeah... i think that might have started him collecting thing just in case he will need it. I know I found myself wanting to find creative ways to use it purposefully. especially the items that aren't good for landfills and also unable to recycle... i've been having a challenge trying to recycle the foam that's been collected. If it wasn't so flammable I'd suggest it for insulation for the house. I had to hang layers of blankets onto the wall of my bedroom to try to stop the wind from blowing in the room and my dad has a heater he uses in his office which keeps him warm... he tries to use fans to get it to blow into my area but I told him that it's not needed. I can definitely layer up. The garage was even more packed from floor to ceiling and I tackled it and did pretty good, but i'm hoping this spring I can give it a go again. there's a lot of metal I'm going to scrap. I haven't done it before but i think i can figure it out. He's got appliances that's going to be hard to get rid of too. Lol.. i've been trying to find tinkerers... I might break down the big screen tvs and try to donate circuit boards. I'm not sure how it all will go, but again... he's just at a point if he doesn't see it, it's not an issue... and it's just not an issue anyway. I felt closterphobic when I first arrived. I think I mentioned I was sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the living room surrounded by stuff with a somewhat path to get through the room to get to the rest of the house. The bedroom I used was also full. I've been helping some older folks in Colorado when I went there for work in the summer the past five years so I know it looks like it's impossible, but really when you get into it it doesn't take as long as you'd think. Now I'm not saying we're done, but getting it to a point to be able to live in the space and walk around is crucial for me. I'm hoping by this spring my dad will help me continue the process. I love how i feel when I purge... I think he will enjoy the process too... and it's not so much as he had to deal with. I also wanted to spend some quality time with my little buddy too. Elvis has not liked the fact i've been in my dad's space using the computer. There's a line he won't cross because he thinks there's going to be a gray cat whos going to chase after him and fight. Which was the case, but since it started getting warmer we've been trying to keep her out. Dad's been able to seal up the subfloor, so she has to cry at the front or back door if she wants more food. (So my dad went to bed and all the tvs are shut off... i think it's time to find some music to play. Let's see if I have any suggestions for tonight... hmmm... I think i saw an artist i wanted to try out.. an Xavier Rudd. Oooow this playlist has Aboriginal art as the cover... interesting... i don't think i've heard these songs but let's give it a go. Enjoy! Any way I have a desk next to the hallway that leads to my dads and he sits there poking his face around the corner crying to me. He wants my attention. I tried picking him up and placing him on my lap so he can be with me as i type but he doesn't feel safe in this area. So i started traveling with him a few years ago. I took him to Hawaii and then I took him to Peru during my 8 months there. He definitely doesn't trust anyone or any animal. Sometimes he really freaks out with other cats. It's weird because he wasn't like that when Mika was with us. Well I know I want to get to the point where he's comfortable with people and other animals... of course to some extent... if he needs to run or fight for his life then i understand, but he's not in those situations 90% of the time if not more. It's been taking him a long time to even be really lovey with me... I'm not sure what he went through but I'm a cat lady... I love on my cats and pay a lot of attention to them... but he's been slowly allowing me to love on him more. And he's getting to the point where he lets me know he misses me when i'm not around as much as i usually am. Only since we've been here has he been wanting to laying on me while we sleep... probably because of the cold i'm not sure... but he's wanting to lay in my lap more too... so i love seeing that. Mika, my little princess... I was with her 14 years... and she would love for me to love on her... She passed away three days before I returned to Colorado right before covid shut everything down. I was taking a four month trip to Peru, Hawaii, and Australia. I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her, and my friend watching them had to deal with that while I was away. He said he didn't feel comfortable messaging me and he wanted to not worry while i was away. He buried her in his yard. We had spent six months with him when we first went to Colorado... so he had a relationship with my kiddo kitties. Since that happen... I decided I wasn't going to leave my little buddy behind anymore. I started getting him prepared to travel. I started letting him go outside. Got a bag and started taking him on walks in the bag with me. He's not too happy when I do that to him, but he'll get better used to it. Eventually I'll settle down somewhere where he'd be safe to stay alone if i go on short trips. I don't know we'll see. (Packed the pipe to take a few puffs.) It's definitely a larger challenge traveling with a cat. Especially because I run into more people who are opposed to cats compared to dogs... but oh my goodness he teaches me how much fear i still hold when i travel with him... lol i'll touch base with the details. So it's apparent to my dad and i we are just walkovers when it comes to kids and animals... lol we can't help ourselves but we love for them to be wild childs most of the time... but i'm getting a better understanding about having a balance with them. But anyway we have had these cats joining our space. Now again my dad says he's not really a cat person, not that he hates them or anything, but he wouldn't have a cat as a pet if it was his choice. But man cats love him... I'm sure if I wasn't with him this winter the cats wouldn't have been in the house as much as they have been. I could understand them wanting a shelter from the winter and getting food on the regular. And of course i don't mind loving on them. So there's a one-eyed Jack who's with us now. Honestly, I don't know if he's a he or not... he's not comfortable to be held yet and i'm ok with whatever it is... I prepared him a litter box because he just doesn't want to be outside. we don't know where he came from but he looks rough and I told dad that we can take care of him until he gets healthier... he's such a chill cat most of the time and he fits our temperaments. He's not trying to attack Elvis which makes me more comfortable to have him with us. Elvis... he's all talk... so he still let's Jack know he doesn't want to be friends yet...lol But when it's the four of us we don't have to separate any of the areas and i think i can get everyone comfortable with each other if i just take the time to do it. I think I have to gain more trust with Jack before I attempt them sharing the same space together...like a room together. I love observing animal behavior... I can learn a lot from them... but also my reactions or responses to my cats also teaches me as well. I worked a little on the bead curtain for my dad. I had a job for a short time when i arrived in indiana... it was theoretically a cool position. I did some maintenance and building and some interior design. I was making beads out of the scrapbook paper I have been storing here. The concept was recycling and repurposing. I was doing it at my pops and so it bled into the ideas i had for the project. I was creating a curtain and he mentioned he would like one too. I've been making clothes all winter in my own little world... I can use a break from it so i decided to start on my dad's curtain. i've been feeling a change and so i assumed it was because i'm ready to leave Indiana and possibly go to work for the summer. So i'm starting to purge my material possessions and organize my studio to become my dad's studio. But since i've been involved with this forum... maybe the change is the process i'm going through now. I might still need to tie up loose ends here in the house... i'm not sure i'm open. I want to return back to Peru so normally I go to Colorado and work a few jobs and save to be able to travel. So I'm looking to switch things up... I'd love to just do my own thing, but if i have to apply for another job then i'll do that too. I applied for a position in a secluded retreat in Alaska. I applied for two positions...the one I would prefer is the maintenance position. I'd like to learn more about the equipment they use and about electrical work more. they want five years experience which i don't have but i still applied. I was the first one to apply for the job so i sent a message to the contact if they don't have any other applicants that they won't be disappointed having me as a team member. I gave them my construction boss's number as a refferal. I really loved that about the tourist town in Colorado. they just needed help so it didn't matter i didn't have experience. Once i started working they started to understand how quickly i pick things up so usually they don't want me to leave... but i've got high standards... lol... it's hard for me to work for bosses who are low consciousness. It just doesn't seem worth my time and energy anymore. It was really apparent when I returned last summer from my transformation in Peru. I know I'm learning so many varied skills because i got a big vision of my own. Since my messages though it seems like there maybe a different way that i wasn't aware could be achieved... but anyway... i'm passionate to follow my spirituality... so i'll see where that leads me. So those are things that came up today to mention and elaborate on to give you more of a picture of what's going on in my life. (I thinks it's time to get back to my recollections of my childhood) So I took a look and I was talking about my grandmother. She was the glue to our family. When she was around our family would get together regularly every Sunday and holidays. I was one of the younger grandchildren of 11 at the time. Every Sunday we cousins would run around and play outside and hangout. It was really fun for the most part. I had mentioned I had an older cousin who treated me inappropriately not long after I arrived to Indiana. But again by then I saw everyone was family and I can trust them. I can't remember when it first happened I just remember it was something I had to deal with. Again I didn't tell anyone it was going on... looking back i couldn't understand why i didn't... but i was young and didn't know i was supposed to say anything. But since I had that experience with my mom's side I was better aware that I didn't like that type of attention. So I said all the cousins would be playing together.... there was usually 11 crazy kids from 5-18 years old. So it could be chaotic at times... so nobody seemed to notice when he would grab me and hold me... it was right in front of everyone. He didn't take me to anywhere private... it was right under everyone's nose. Our grandparents had a pool we would all play in and that was a location he found it easy to do this. I'd be playing and then he would get behind me and grab me and when i tried to get away he would hold me i felt so helpless... he would always go down my pants to rub me around my butt and the crack area... I'd try to resist and eventually i'd be able to get away because he didn't want to get caught. There were times when we would all be watching movies together. Everytime a blanket was involved no matter where it was again i'd find him behind me holding and restraining me when i tried to get away. Again it wasn't as if i knew he was getting any pleasure in doing this to me... i just knew i didn't want him to be doing it and it was the restraint that i hated... i felt so powerless... i also didn't know why they chose to do this to me... what was i doing wrong? There was a time when we were at one of my aunts and we were all watching a video with a blanket and he was doing what he wanted to do with me... this time another aunt caught him but she didn't say anything right away. I'm not sure how it went down but I was still living with my grandparents and they approached me about it. I was so scared and embarrassed I remember running and hiding under a shelves... i didn't want to get out from underneath. i thought they all hated me and was so disappointed in me because i didn't say anything. I don't remember anything else being said after that. I don't remember any of the family even my dad mention anything about it. All i know is that it stopped and I knew that i was so thankful someone finally caught him. But I still had to see him every Sunday. I didn't know what to do and everyone went on as if nothing happened so... i figured it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought it was. I remember feeling bad at how I was acting with his brother. His brother was an affectionate cousin but he wasn't trying to be sexual with anyone... anytime he would want to hold me I'd run off his lap immediately... he never tried to stop me and restrain me. He just wanted to love on me just like most of the other older cousins. the girls i didn't have a problem with letting them love on me. I didn't want to act that way to him, but I couldn't help myself... it was hard for me to differentiate him from his brother. I learned to be able to be comfortable in his presence. But it never left from the back of my mind. I remember once i started to get into middle school and started to connect how society saw those types of situations... child molestation issues. I started getting friends and found a few that had gone through similar situations... I really started to get angry and upset. At that time I was wanting to start to have boyfriends but I couldn't trust them in an intimate manner... i mean back then just holding hands and a little kiss or two. It wasn't like i was afraid of guys...far from it. i was a tomboy and most of my friends were guys... but when the first boys started asking me to be their girlfriend.. it was challenging. A part of me wanted to and another part of me felt like it was all wrong. I knew that part of me that thought it was wrong wasn't healthy even at that time. I was a normal teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions and i remember talking to my brother and dad about my memories of the cousin's doing those things to me and how i think it's affecting me with my relationships. I remember my brother was crying with me but he didn't know what to do but he was angry about it. I remember my dad was upset but it was as if he didn't believe me though either. That got me more upset because I've never wanted to lie to my dad... he's always made me feel like i could talk to him about anything... no matter what i talked about i knew he would still love me. But that moment of hesitation he had struck deep into me. They knew i was struggling but they didn't know how to help me so i knew i'd have to figure out a way on my own. I remember even back then realizing that they didn't know any better. They were probably going through so much and they didn't know how to treat me properly. What I ended up coming up with was my looks. I'm mixed so I don't look all caucasian and i don't look fully samoan either. I thought maybe when they looked at me they could really feel like i was there family because i looked so different from their family. I was trying to reason out that i don't have to hate them. i wanted to forgive them. But what i think i missed was forgiving myself for not knowing what to do in those situations. For not saying anything. Now that I look back at it... I didn't say anything because for me at the times they were happening didn't feel traumatic. It wasn't something i couldn't manage myself. It was when we were caught and other people knew about it was it traumatizing. And once i knew that society knows it's a problem yet most of the time it's not reported... or it's just an act that it didn't happen at all. I realize it's just where the collective consciousness has developed too... I know the collective continues to mature and learn healthier ways. Another residual affect from this happened later in my school days... i can't remember if i read it in high school or college, but i read an article about the victims of child molestation that they are more likely to molest other children. When I read this... it terrified me! I love kids and after that article I was terrified that I would be a person capable of doing that to a child. I would never imagine doing that and i had no desire, but since i read it in an article and it seemed like scientific research... i thought it was telling me that i'm going to grow into that. There was a boyfriend I dated who read something similar. He had the same fear too. He was molested as a child and since he was a victim he'll probably do it to another. I know no there's no way I'll do that to a child. I've healed and raised my consciousness enough to know I have no desire to do that with a child. But I remember the time when I was doubting myself, because I thought authorities' opinions were more valid then my own. (Let's take another puff or two... that wasn't that bad to purge out... it's getting easier... i'm not as hesitant or anxious... there are still some areas I know i'm not ready to reveal but I'm gaining more confidence that it's going to get easier the more i do this. I wonder if it's time to continue the editing of the messages I want to express. I've done quite a bit of purging so maybe that's allowed me to open up to feel my way through the message again. I'll go ahead and copy and paste from the last editing session.) (alright i had to use the restroom... i think i'm going to switch up the music now. There's a song i use in my bufo ceremonies that i love and i think it might help me connect deeper with myself. Let's give it a go. Ok the artist is Mose and the song is called, Medicine Women Continuous Mix Enjoy!) There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Can the collective consciousness purge together? (I am and others we can... but together? (if we are conscious, we can... but it's not now) Are we willing to do the work? (I am now but it took my consciousness time to be ready... we will when we are ready) (when will we be ready?) After purification? T Infinite possibilities are capable to manifest (it's already manifesting, but can we be more conscious to create more conscious of the manifestations) but when the collective is trapped by their beautiful chaos what direction are they steering towards? (unconscious manifestations) Or maybe it's not where that I'm concerned about... perfection is what we are and where we are, but we don't see it that way. (why? unconscious development) How long will we be trapped? (as long as we don't know we can develop consciousness deliberately) Are we willing to pay the price of conscious building so the rewards of bounty flourishes our lives? (this price will be paid by the willing if they we believe there are rewards... how can they we believe? doing the work will eliminate belief and then they know) Does it really have to take long? (personally it might have felt long, but four years isn't long) With focus I've found it doesn't have to take long. Can the collective share a same focus? (This is tricky easy to answer... the shared focus would be to increase their consciousness, but each individual has to find their own way to awaken their unique gifts they can share with the collective... that's what is tricky. it's only tricky because they think someone else will tell them how they will learn best, but only they know. they have to have the confidence to find their own answers) I want to believe... I know it's happening but can it happen now? (right now in my direct experience it is not happening.) Are we ready? (That is the question for the collective... are we ready?) and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. (very good! i love these sessions today... so worth it... thank you!) (I'm still in progress of finding a polished message... still have more work to do and i'm looking forward to it)

CHAOTIC RAMBLINGS IMPRESSIONS OF CHAOS Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. Another thing I noticed so far with my writing... i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. i definitely like it more for the public to read compared to this style of free flow. So this is a good point to give a try to edit the material and then have a polished piece afterwards. I'll try a different approach. I'll leave my ramblings. I'll copy and paste it and then I'll start editing. EDITING PROCESS hmm... what's the approach to edit this down. I know it's not in the appropriate order. I know most of this is going to be removed. Maybe I can show what's going to be removed. I want to go ahead and clarify how i'm giong to focus on topics and work my way towards my spiritual journey with Aya. How do I visually show the changes of movement? Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. So I had some good material and a good start from my first post so i'm copied and pasted so I can work with that context as well Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. So what's the sequence of the story? A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) I had to take a break. I felt like I was stuck and I was definitely distracted. Again I mentioned I returned to my dad's and it's easier for me to use his computer to use the keyboard to type out on the forum. His computer is in the room where he is mostly occupying majority of the time. He's set it up where the computer has two large screen tv's all clustered together. He's accustomed to watch three things at a time. I sit here to try to concentrate and it's very distracting. I haven't had a television for about eight years now... I am reminded how much time I can waste by watching television. My dad and I usually have our own space it's like we've split the house up where I have a bedroom and studio while my dad has his lounge area and bedroom. Also I feel like I want to discuss everything's going on at this time. I feel like there's a generational conditioning that's been very apparent in my awareness right now. I believe I mentioned he has his tendencies to be a hoarder and I've had these tendencies as well. I've been reducing my items especially when I left my home state five years ago. I was living in a home and I gave away most of my items, gave away my car, and moved into a little mountain village outside of the Rockies in Colorado. But there were those items that I just couldn't let go of so I end up bringing them back to my dad's. When I first arrived here I had taken my tubs from the garage and brought them in to go through I went through a big purge, but there's still items I know I don't want anymore so I feel like there's another purge right around the corner. I already have two tub fulls that are going to get donated. It's spring cleaning time. While I've been here I had to clear out a ton of items of my dads that just didn't get thrown away. I can't explain how many cardboard boxes he had held onto, plastic bottles, glass bottles, foam, etc. I couldn't just throw them away anymore... I want to be more conscious with trash so i started donating. I took him with me a few times to show him how easy it is. The recycling center in my hometown you just drive through. You don't have to get out of the car they do all the work. I have been designating tubs and boxes for sorting out the different materials that they accept. We had held off from recycling for most of the winter, but we have a shed where we can continue to store them and so on my break I went ahead and started getting those supplies gathered in my studio so I can take them tomorrow. We've got three days to take advantage of the center. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. I went to talk with a family member today... there's three of us who seem to be the family therapists per say. We don't have any degrees or anything. We just have more conscious awareness on our mental health. There's a second cousin whos been struggling for years now. And it's apparent to see the generational slow progression. My father's sister, in my opinion isn't developed in her mental awareness. I'm going to make a general statement but in our family in their age group... didn't express their feelings. They kept them inside and if somethiing was upsetting to them there wasn't a thought about getting help. It was more likely to ignore it. My aunt had three children. One of her daughters is having issues with her daughter. Now my cousin she's getting to see that her mental conditioning is not were she wants it to be. I'm not certain if this is because of the difficulties she's having with her daughter that it's more of a focal of her attention. She's know looking to get therapy to help her... shes' s in the late 40s-early 50s age group. Her daughter who my cousin wanted to talk to me about is in her late 20s. She wants the three of us to talk to her because her mom and her grandmother feel like they've reached their limit of being successful in guiding and assisting my second daughter. Now she's been conditioned by at least two generations of unhealthy mental awareness. Briefly she's got a lot going on but I'll just focus on one area of focus. She's now hitting herself when she's upset. She also suicidal. Another unfortunate piece to this... is she has a 3-4 year old son. Now he's watched his mom hitting herself as a coping habit... and they now see he's starting to do the same thing. Now we haven't gotten all the details but we were throwing around ideas. There was mention that our cousin wants the father to gain full custody of the child and i completely agree. She's not in a state to creat habits that's going to be healthy for the child. The father is still close to the family, so I feel like there might be opportunities for her to visit with him, but highly reduce the time she can spend. She's at the point of her life where she's not thinking about the future... she's going to think it's the end of the world if we support this. Generally maybe if we give her at least two years of detoxing and mental health therapy... she will be in a far better mental state to increase her time with her son, theoritical... we actually have no clue what that time line will be... it could be soon and it could be later... it depends on how conscious her helpers are whether it gets dragged out or not. But also the desire or willingness for her to want to change to help better herself which ultimately will translate with everyone around her including her son. We would assume she would be more aware that mental health issues is something to get help with if you aren't able to do it for yourself. So if we can get her into a type of therapy at her age. The son has already began his conditioning too, but if we can remove the toxic behaviors soon then later the more likely he can heal sooner then his mother. the longer she waits... the longer and more work will be needed to be applied for her son. We have a tentative plan to meet on Sunday. I asked what the setting was going to be... what will promote us to give her a safe family setting where she's not being attacked. Opportunity to do something all together, but also allow moments of one on one conversation... hopefully she might be comfortable with at least one of us to open up and express her feelings in a nonviolent manner. I've also spoke with a very close friend of mine earlier. I've been telling her about my experience with the forum and I had sent her information about possibly using the journal part of the forum. She had already mentioned a week ago that she wants to start a journal but she's never done one before. I told her just purge out her feelings and thoughts without caring or judging what she's writing. She said everytime she opens the journal her mind goes blank. She started her first sentence with exactly that statement. I said that's a great start. She said she also started writing affirmations. We worked on that a few years ago, but i told her that a journal could be just a place to purge. It doesn't have to be anything too structured. she's been dealing with an unhealthy relationship for over 10 years. Back and forth, back and forth... she know she's more conscious then he is, but she still cares and wants to hellp him. The last video Leo had posted was about gaslighting. Now I hadn't heard about gaslighting until my friend mentioned it years ago when she suspected he was doing that to her. So when I saw the word gaslighting I automatically thought of her. I started listening to first half of the video and I messaged her if she would be interested in possibly listening to the video. She accepted. She's starting to get to the point where she wants to take a more conscious effort in her self-development that's why I've been giving her possible ways to help her get process as she's going through everything. She's about to possibly go all-in with him, she's possibly going to switch up jobs, and she's possibly going to start a journal habit... she's has a full-time job with a house and yard to take care of and three dogs. It doesn't matter how much is on her plate I trust she's going to figure out what's going to work for her now. She's been gaining her confidence and she's looking to make some big changes. I want to support her as much as I can... but in truth I know she has to go through this process for herself so she can learn how to overcome the obstacles in her life. Which brings me back to my life. I also have some obstacles that I know I can overcome... so I know when you're working on yourself you're not just working on one topic and everything gets paused so you can deal with that one thing and then move onto the next and so on... it's all happening at once. So I want to start documenting what I'm dealing with as I go through this process of chaos to clarity... When it comes to my little buddy, Elvis... we've been together for about seven years now. We've been through so much already. When I first met him he was my roommate's cat and he allowed Elvis to just stay in one room without really giving him any affection or attention. I had to go in daily to love on him for I don't know how many months... 4-6 maybe before I got him out of the room. He would walk into other rooms but he wouldn't walk in the middle of the room... he would always slink around the walls and furniture he was so timid. I had another cat I had brought with me so I was learning how to share my time with both of them... she was already spoiled so she'd get jealous at first. Anyway... back to now we're staying at my dad's place and during the winter we had a cat who found a way to sneak in and out of the house through the crawlspace... my dad had a project he was working on in his bedroom where he's making a hot tub situation underneathe his bed so he had pulled the floor and he's got a levitating floor that's been rigged up. He's creative but he's only living on social security and so he uses the supplies that he has around the house. We might go into details later I'm not sure... well I'm sure we will but now is not the time. We've been a poverty status... income wise for most of my life. We aren't scarce in many other attributes of life, but money scarcity happens to be one condition I've also gained from my father. Back to my little guy... this stray that found her way in is pretty aggressive and would intimidate Elvis. He reverted going back into the closet mostly afraid to be out and about because of her. So we made a barrier between my space and my dads. We thought we can help feed her and also get warmth and a little love through the winter. She's back outside now but then now there's a little black cat that also found his way in as well. By the way my dad is not a "cat person" he likes animals and all but he wouldn't choose to get a cat as a pet. But I know how cat's respond to him and laugh because in his case the cats choose him and love him regardless if he recipricates the love back. He's a good guy so he's letting happen... this new one is skin and bones... he's got a bad eye that I don't think can be fixed so I'm calling him one-eyed Jack. But he's very much a loner so he's not trying to have any involvement with Elvis. We've taken down the barrier so they can roam around but there mostly staying on their own sides. Elvis is struggling because I've been spending so much time on my dad's space to use the computer. I'm trying to encourage him to join me in this space, but he has the memory of the first cat and is afraid or hesitant still... I can almost get him to come, but he chickens out. Traveling with Elvis has really helped me with my awareness of Fear and the balance of freedom. Maybe those stories will be brought too. Ok I feel better now... I had those thoughts in my head and now my dad's gone to bed... there's silence and my mind's more silent so I can now try to re-focus on editing the paragraphs I had earlier to create a concise entry of what my Journal will be and how it's going to be directed... for now... lol So where was I... I asked myself So what's the sequence of the story? I'll make a list of the areas i'd like to include and then see what order I'd like to use. Wait a minute let's listen to some music... lol I was listening to this on the first day when I tried to post for the first time. Actually I hadn't heard this song or artist before. This song was playing when I was gaining a huge insight and validation of where I am Spiritually... I was moved to tears at the time and it was the combination of the purge I was going through that was exremely deep for me and then in the background this song was playing... I figured I'd go ahead and share in case any of you are interested. I love music but I'm more of a random playlist person. So the artist is Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) the song is Aloha Ke Akua Enjoy! A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications with the collective B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) What I'm going to focus my topics on (daily life, address the programming I've gained, and lead to share my beginning of conscious spiritual journey (self-mastery) D) Insights (personal) as I go through this process Actually that brings up the fact there were two insights I gained that wasn't recorded because the failure to post. These insights helped me understand where I was trying to express in this Journal. I was journaling and purging it made it clear that 1) Other's don't understand me clearly, because of my chaotic style of my mind (That's how I go the title of my Journal... Chaos to Clarity... and then Leo suggested to make the title sexy so I thought I would add... Exposing Myself... because I don't want to hold anything back. The more honest i am with myself the deeper the rewards of this process.) The other insight 2) I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. That's why I'm going to have to wait to tell about my spiritual journal. I know I'm labeling it so it may seem like i'm not talking about spiritual work right now... but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. Here's a few sentences I found when I was going through my draft that I thought would be good for the introduction paragraph. but I've got to willing to try different things out. After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. As I was searching I noticed I was looking for content that wasn't there... so I'm going to go back through and check what I have written from the first post and also this post so far if I find anything else that would fit in this first group well... So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. Ok that's what I've found so let's start working with these inspirations to find the message I want to convey clearly. I know there was something I remember from the failed post... I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. I'm now going to copy and past in the order that might help guide me and also give a picture of how i'm trying to track down the "struggle" process of creating change in my life. Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here.but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me.I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me.I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge.That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price.but I've got to willing to try different things out.There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be.I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. Alright I like how the editing process is going... this is where a lot of the work is and I wanted to show that as accurtely as I can. So I'm going to go back and free-flow to try to put clarification in this first paragraph. I believe if I can get as many opportunities to free-flow that might be a good way to fine my authentic voice... i don't know but i'm going to try it out I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand my I'm having deja'vu right now. It's like I've remembered I was going to be doing this. beautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Alright I think I can work with this... I'm starting to get a bit tired so i'll start editing and see how long it takes. But i'll be finishing up this post soon. Again I'm not in a hurry to get this done. I'm enjoying this and I know it will come out when it's ready... and when I'm ready... we'll be aligned then There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Wow! Ok... this is getting even more interesting... it's intense for me... I continued to repeat on being patient... So i'm going to go ahead and leave it like this. I've got goosebumps all over and I feel like there's a tenseness in my abdomen which seems to be affecting my whole body... I might have even stopped breathing... I need to relax! The last two nights I've been up until around 6 am... I've been noticing there are items in this room that's starting to slowly wave out energetically... it's even giving them an impression they are moving or something... lol I don't know how to explain it... I just am trying to express as openly as possibly can. (Again I didn't get to post anything polished yet... but damn clarification is coming)

It seems, generally speaking (not excluding myself from this generalization) , that most of the forums is used for "finding other like-minded individuals to interact with" but simply leads to endless mental masturbation. And of course there's plenty of other variables at play other than just the forums that would attribute towards transformation - but it seems like trying to sift through everything that is said in hopes that there's one nugget of truth seems less likely when you account for the fact that there's no guarantee you'll even notice the nugget of truth. all in all, do people who achieve true transformation reside in this forums, or is this just another fly-trap for egos and the one's who have achieved self actualization and or enlightenment simply move on?

I found this thread last night and I allowed myself some time to digest. I guess I want to purge out some of my thoughts. I know I've learned a lot from Leo's guidance, I'm sure there's more I can learn. I'm here to understand myself more, so what am I understanding from this post? First, I noticed I wanted to say I'm Awake. But then I started to break down this transformation I experienced that I called Awake. Why do I call it Awake? Well... it did seem like when I opened my eyes it was the first time I experienced whatever I was looking at. It was as if I didn't even know what the concept of seeing was. I didn't know what my body was and I didn't know what my surroundings were. It was the first real experience of now with no memory of the past and no concept of future. I was being. I was a blank slate at the slightest moment before I opened my view point. The view started to slowly move around but it wasn't like I could put words on the blank slate. There were no words. What are words? I truly did not know I didn't know because I didn't know I could think. I didn't even know what I was. I believe it's when I moved my view to the other person with me did my memory sweep right back in and gave me context and history. To me using the word Awake seemed to be a perfect description. But is it really? Maybe it's the most common word used now adays, so it was just convenient for me to use that word. Maybe it's easier to be lazy and maybe it's the only way others will understand. But who else would understand? Well maybe no one. Awake... Enlightenment... when I hear these words, to me they seem like they're definite or even a final state. Maybe that's why I assumed it was a completion of some kind. But do I feel completed.... do I feel like I'm finished? Absolutely not! So maybe these words aren't as accurate to what my experience was. And really were those moments the only experience that transformed me? No, there has been several and most I haven't even been able to explain. Others I'm completely fine if I don't understand at all. But how many times have I recontextualized my experiences? Countless... and do I all of a sudden feel like I don't need to continue recontextualizing? lol...no! Have I held myself back in some of those experiences? Yes, I found moments where I wasn't ready to face them yet. But do I know I'll be ready with patience and more experience? Yes. Do I know there's so much more for me to learn? Infinitely more! Does that make me feel daunted? Absolutely not, I'm enlivened! I need to find a better word for what I went through. I don't think I should use a noun. Descriptive words might be helpful. It seems like it was an action as well. I think I'll need more time, energy, and effort to come up with something other than Awake. Thank you @Leo Gura for your help in guiding me through this work in progress looking for more clarification for my future!

@AndylizedAAY Well I've known about the forum so it's been stored back in my mind as a possibility. I happened to watch "the how to get laid" series after I skipped it, and I had a recommendation. I thought having a feminine perspective might help someone. I thought first to maybe just make a comment, but I figured I could give more information, so I thought I'd try out the forum. There's were a few days before I was accepted and there's my mind wondering if I wanted to get involved with the forum or not. I haven't been involved with a forum before so I figured it would be a good opportunity to check it out. I assumed there would be people here that I could relate with and vice versa. I want to ask myself... why am I still using the forum? I've been gaining benefits in just a few days. I went through a drastic transformation in my life, and I'm now getting an opportunity to see how I'm processing information and how I'm responding differently using this new format. I'm still feeling out the way to proceed. As an example, I want to answer your question. I decided to choose to tell you the brief days before I got on. But in another sense, everything has brought me to this moment too. In this moment what can I choose to express and how? I decided to redirect the question because I thought maybe I can gain a better understanding of where I'm at in this process. That is what's so different about this being my first forum. I'm conscious our conversation is public. I'm assuming others are building their consciousness... maybe I can respond in a way that can help or possibly teach others who can understand my style of presentation. I know I'm learning from having conversations here. Maybe there's different styles of presentation I can develop. I feel like I want to be open and vulnerable, and I feel like I want to reply with my process of thought. I find that the words I'm reading can be digested in so many more ways than usual. I feel like I'm looking for more clarification from others and myself. I'm figuring out how many assumptions I've had about someone's words... and yet it's almost like I'm trying to clarify what level of consciousness they are in too. Maybe I'm trying to find a way to communicate on different levels of consciousness so the person I'm speaking with understands, but also others who are at a different level. I know I've experienced this myself. One year I can read or hear something and there was an understanding. But when I return to the same source, I understand more. I realize my consciousness grew and I was able to allow more information in. I haven't posted much, but I'm trying to find a way that's effective. I want to get better at this so I feel this forum will help me build better communication skills. What about you? What brought you here and why do you continue using the forum?

@NoSelfSelf Hello there... I have a working understanding my mind can play tricks on me. In fact, I understand I like playing and challenges. Since I seem to perceive others to play with, then my curiosity seems to want to meet characters and learning to enjoy the interactions. I've gained so much understanding from others... mostly clarifying to myself how I don't want to be. But also, they're a gold mind on what I need to focus my personal work on... when I get triggered by others... I can start processing why am I so emotionally attached? Try to fit into the Forum... I guess I'd like to clarify myself... I'm not really wondering if I can fit into the Forum. I'm wondering if the Forum fits with me. Well again I find myself in a collective setting and I have many areas of interest in this life, and I thought maybe since I have gained so much value through Actualized that there could be others, I can socialize with whom might understand me a little better because they may know what the work involves, consciousness. I've found it challenging at times to have deeper conversations with others who seem to be in my physical presence. I figured I'd try the virtual world too. I'm not opposed to trying new things to see if I find value, and I'm not opposed to disregarding after giving it a good go at it. Regardless I'm going to learn more about myself and gain more clarification. This is some good stuff here... I find my own way of saying this to people I run into as well. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to make a suggestion: don't assume someone doesn't know or better yet live consciousness work, especially if they're drawn to this Forum. You say If you keep focusing on others then this work wont work. How's your work going for you? This may be true for you, but in my experience, I've been able to find my work involves others and myself. No matter how open I am to the possibility I am the only conscious being in my reality; I get confirmations that there are other conscious beings too. I've already mentioned some benefits of interacting with others above. I thought possibly it wouldn't be fair to ask you how your work is going without letting you know how my work is going for myself. Another member had asked what's the "real work" and it's good to see if we're on the same page or not. This is how I responded: With you, I'll give more details if you're open to it. I've found Ayahuasca as the tool to my Awakening. I love the whole... go to the jungle, ceremony thing. I mentioned pre-Awakening I was consciously working towards Enlightenment for five years. The first year was when I found Actualized videos. I was doing his homework and working them through. I purchased the Life Purpose course and gained so much value from clarification. The second year I found myself in the jungle and that's when everything amplified. It was a dramatic direct experience that inspired me to really get down and dirty. I was humbled so much... I didn't know a damn thing. I pretty much wiped my story I was telling myself clean. That actually includes the life purpose I was trying to narrow down in the course to why the fuck am I limiting myself. I moved to a secluded mountain town (technically it's called a village it's so small) next to the Rockies. I completely removed my body from social distractions I had created for thirty-some years in my home state. Fast forward to my Awakening circumstances. I created my surroundings to have ample time to focus on my spirituality. I went to Peru to attend my first shamanic dieta training which was going to be three months long, but I also didn't have a ticket to leave. I wanted time to allow myself to continue to explore Peru more if I wished afterwards. During my three months is when I went through my deaths to Awaken. There's so much that I can try to explain with language, but how I can plainly state it is: I transformed from being a human into being Universal and human. I was open to see if I was going to return to this Reality. I really didn't know and at times I didn't think I was going to return... but I'm back and I know that I'm Universal as well now, I want to help manifest the Reality around me not just myself which also includes others (without exclusion of animals, insects, plants, waterbodies, air quality, earth, etc.) I stayed in Peru for five more months exploring and meeting some locals and other travelers. In these months, I gained more awareness that I'm not giving myself solo time. I wasn't really respecting the transformation I experienced. I was riding the High, but not noticing the energetic depletion. Part of my old story was still lingering and so I thought I could return to the States and go back to work. I found out quickly that I was really sensitive to other energies. I found I was getting triggered what seemed like more easily than ever before. I knew I needed time to ground myself and I didn't know where to go. I thought maybe I needed to find an ashram or something. But I found myself returning back to my hometown after leaving 20 years. My dad still lives there, and I found my sanctuary with him. I am realizing that it's time to clean my slate again, but not as completely as I did before. For two months I rarely left my bedroom or studio. It was amazing! The last four months I've been slowly getting myself out and about. I've been checking with myself and cognizant of my emotional state whether to take on more or not. I'm an ambivert leaning towards introversion according to my personality tests. So I find it easier to be in my mind, but I'm starting to get restless because I've got a social side which has been neglected recently. I continue to deepen my understanding of the importance of balance and the work is to be more conscious until it just is. And now I'm here in the Forum. I want to direct my energies towards others who know the work includes raising awareness. I'll continue to develop my relationships who aren't as conscious; I'm not giving up on them. I just realize I have limited energy to share right now. But I'm feeling more and more comfortable to release my energy again now that I gave myself time. I've listened to the videos relating to cult and cult psychology. I have not had a direct experience with a cult... so I'm blind whether they exist or not, but I'm open to their existence. By no means do I consider Actualized as a cult... transparency has been apparent to me from the beginning. I promote Actualized so it's not as secretive. There's been so much work done by Leo with such diverse topics, it's easy for me to recommend them to people who frankly I don't have the time or energy to walk through the importance of conscious work. Maybe they can get their own inspiration from the videos like I did, but maybe not... I'm not sure. My work has made me extremely confident in my intelligence, my abilities, and my drive to create. It continues to deepen and so yes there's a part of me that can admit that I have a little star-struck quality in me towards Leo. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. But that doesn't matter of course, but the few days I've been on this Forum helped recontextualized my illusions I was constructing towards Leo. Again, I want to learn so I know it's not just Leo I have this tendency towards... I know there are others on my list and maybe this is something I created to help me work through that. I'll let you know I've got direction in my ceremonies which has been different then the past. Usually, it was very personal and that was easier for me. Now it involves working with others and traveling to locations I seem to have not experienced yet (possibly) and doing activities I haven't remembered training in. I love a challenge and it's taken me to ground my confidence to move forward. So, I'm feeling out different activities to see where they go to ultimately to create more opportunities of happiness to share with others. I'm happy and I want others to be as well. I'm giving the Forum a try; it's been beneficial for me already. Thank you for commenting on my post with your opinions. I'm learning how to communicate better with others, so you've been giving me that chance to develop it more. Maybe you can find me as a source to learn too.

@Yimpa Hey there! We realize language is very symbolic and limited, but when we're typing words to convey as sense of communication...I guess there's an assumption of intelligence that's going to interpret fairly close to the message being said. Let's see if we try to bring ourselves to a human speaking with another human for the moment... is that ok with you? I understand to assume makes an ass out of you and me... so I can start clarification and maybe you can clarify your definition afterwards. Real work has actually changed for me quite recently. First, my personal real work was to experience Awakening or Enlightenment... I thought it might take almost my entire lifetime to achieve that. I was wrong... it took me five years of dedicated focused work. Technically I've always been doing the work but I wasn't conscious of it, but once I was... it didn't take me long. After my Awakening I've been taking a long time to be comfortable with my transformation. Now I see the real work for me is to help the collective to Awaken and also to follow what guidance I've been receiving with my new sensitivites to continue to create and master this experience I'm involved in. How about you? Real life... when I'm talking casually with other humas, I refer to this shared experience that we seem to feel is the physical waking world. I was open to see where I ended up during and after my Awakening, and I returned back here in real life. For some reason I share this real life with others and I'm going to continue my real work in this real life. If you enjoy the work... it nevers stops. How about you?

I think my previous answer lacked nuance so I'll elaborate. The work and IFS are both sides of the same coin, love and light, masculine and feminine. The masculine mode of healing deals with dispelling illusions and transcending the parts with the light of awareness. The feminine mode of healing deals with loving the wounded parts to heal them. The work is fundamentally a masculine principle while IFS is the Feminine principle. However there is a significant asymmetry between IFS and the work. IFS is perhaps the most advanced and nuanced method of the feminine mode of healing. On the contrary, 'the work' is pretty shallow compared to other masculine healing modes such as Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, nonduality, the works of Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts, etc... That is not to say that it isn't useful. It seems like a really useful tool for the masculine approach. Just not the only tool. I actually realised I was doing 'The work' automatically after practicing meditation and mindfulness. In my personal experience, I have experienced more inner transformation and long term healing after a few months of IFS than 3 years of masculine healing. Interestingly, 'the work' became much easier after this healing and I found myself easily letting go of limiting beliefs. Both are true because the mind is a system of parts yet the ego is an illusion. Once you transcend the idea that you are a limited separate self, all suffering will cease because there is no one to suffer. However, complete ego transcendence is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for most people. An ego is also pretty much required to function in society, so unless you want to become a monk and live in a cave for the rest of your life, ego transcendence is not really a viable option for healing trauma. IFS is extremely effective for healing but It doesn't really transcend the ego. The masculine and feminine modes are healing are synergistic and people should do both.