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Very interesting coincidence you mention Jan and Shaktipat. In late 2019 - I just had finished my first meditation retreat and came back from living and working 1year+ in India and Nepal - a friend told me about it. Jan was giving a two day seminar in London including Shakitpat. He said "seeing where you are right now, this might be the right thing for you". I was very skeptic, but also very curios. I trusted my friend, so I thought "why not give it a look"? I went there. I did not like Jan at all. He was super boring, pessimistic, defensive, depressed, moody, the complete opposite of being inspiring. I thought about leaving early but stayed for the Shaktipat transmission. Other participants said sth like "yeah he is like that but we are here for the Shaktipat". Well, it seems you have to take the good with the bad... After a while the participants - including me - were getting the Shaktipat. Shortly after, there was a lunch break and I went into a small cafe with another participant to eat. We talked about the Shakipat, asking ourselves if we feel something. We kind of felt something, we talked about it....and the next thing that got us out of our conversation was the waitress telling us that it's early evening and that the cafe now closes! How is that possible, we just sat down moments ago for lunch? We talked for hours and we did not notice that time passed. It was crazy. Be both could not really describe what exactly was going on. We felt different and the Shaktipat definitely did sth to us. We both felt the same. If I had to describe it, then I would say it was like being high on very clean, very sharp MDMA but without the visuals. A very functional state of consciousness, being "high" without really noticing being high. I completely forgot about this experience until now. Looking back at it now, I can take some conclusions from it: Either Shakitpat is real - or they were serving us psychedelics in the cafe Assuming the first, you can - at least temporarily - transfer states of consciousness from one person to the next one. How fucking crazy is that? I could not really contextualize this experience 5 years ago. Today it seems even more strange to me. Your guru, or teacher can be a really shitty person and still have something real about him. Indian philosophy is coined by the idea that your teacher must live the teaching, that he should embody the principles in daily life (see e.g.: Heinrich Zimmer: Philosophies of India). I personally experienced that the complete opposite can be true as well. What an irony that the video above is in the context of "positive" life interview (LOL) as Jan is the most depressing teacher I ever met re any spiritual teaching. But who knows, maybe he just had a bad phase... Shakipat alone does not really seem to change much in the long run. Many participants were already there for the second, third, fourth time. Can be a piece in the puzzle, but not more than that. Beyond the experience at the cafe I did not notice any changes in my state of consciousness or my life in general. Who knows, effects might be subconscious but I never felt like doing another Shakipat again. "Bliss" and Enlightenment" seem very arbitrary. In the video above, Jan says he feels bliss right now. I don't get the feeling he does. Same way he did not seem to be in bliss when I saw him. Admittedly, only once for two days many years ago. But my impression re this is very constant.

It's a breath of fresh air to see this attitude. What greater good is there than to care more about the peace and enlightenment of the whole? There is none. It's the ultimate life purpose. I care more that the world find peace than I find it. I'd give my life in service to that cause. This "it's all an illusion" talk can be transcended. Why do you think we're here? What will you do when you reach that high peak? Come back and chop wood carry water? Ah yes... you will finally be at peace at last. You will have fulfilled your curiosity and you will know how to remain calm. YOU will be nice and cozy chopping your wood. Peaceful people sit in ignorant bliss while the world withers. For the strong, the state of reality serves as fuel. The problem is it takes much development to care more about reality than oneself. Weakness pervades. Most so-called spiritual people care more about their own comfort than anything else and they'll use any story they can to preserve their cushiony homeostasis. The work begins by solving the problems of recruitment/mobilization, securing capital, and coordination. It can be done but there would need to be a leader to hold it all together. Where's @Leo Gura?

Good morning… I woke up thinking about dancing… so I think I’ll begin here. So… I was thinking if I am going all on in with a romantic partnership… I’d like to share my passion of dance. I love to dance and I used to instruct but there are some dances that I don’t know as much as others… and they’re really calling to me and more improvisation. So I’d like to see if we have a conversation of what we’re wanting out of our relationship I have many ideas to talk about but for now in the Journal I will say I want to introduce dancing as part of a way to increase our partnering, sensuality, and fun. I have two dances in mind that I’m hoping he might find as something he would like to learn and share with me…. Argentine Tango and West Coast Swing. I have a dancing buddy who owns a studio close to the location I am now, but I feel like we’ll be closer to where my romantic interest lives which is three hours away. From his location it’s almost four hour drive to my buddy’s studio. So I messaged my buddy to see if he has any recommendations of top notch instructors in the Louisville area… it’ll only be an hour away. I just sent the message and haven’t heard back but my buddy dances competitions and travels a lot to areas so I’m hoping his network would include some great dancers in this specific area. He hosts traveling instructors at his studio and I enjoy watching his posts. He specifically hosts West Coast events… so I asked him about this, but I’ll add the A. tango when we chat. So I looked up Tango studios and it looks like there’s a few options in that city… but I also ran into a video of a couple from Buenos Aires who is offering a dance event in Argentina for 13 days… it’s from April through May but this wouldn’t be a good time for us since his hostel would be opening up at this time. But that has definitely been at the top of my list of locations to go. I want to dance the tango everywhere in Buenos Aires… I think I’ve mentioned this before but I fantasize everyone dancing in the restaurants and the streets all over the city… I’d love to go and do this. I used to drink Malbec and I mention that if I ever get to Argentina… I feel like I’d be much more open to drinking alcohol just to have Malbec from where it originates. I don’t know if I’d be interested in drinking when I get there… but I could entertain the idea of possibly. But I’d love to dance where I travel. Anyway… I would love to introduce him to the magic that dance can bring into our lives. I figured we’d start off with taking beginner classes together. I might have a lot of dance experience and instruction experience, but I don’t necessarily want to start our dance relationship in a teacher/ student dynamic. I’d much rather be a student/student dynamic and possibly why I’m interested in learning dances I don’t know as much. I’d like it to be like date nights. As a teacher I kind of know how it goes when one of the partners are in the teacher mode and yes… I want to set us up for success and enjoyment. To be honest I don’t know if he knows how to dance already… I could see it… he’s very musically inclined and most musicians that I’ve met have a tendency to be able to pick up dancing easier… and he looks like he’s athletic as well… so I think he might pick up fairly quickly but I don’t know if he’d have the desire to learn with me or not. But it is something I’m going to suggest. West Coast is danced to a variety of music… it’s a smooth improvisation and moments of playfulness throughout. Sometimes it can get sensual but not always. I guess I do want to mention that I did see blues swing dance as well which I’ve dropped into classes a few times and I enjoy. But I remember when I was talking to him about his singing… he said his voice is fitting for blues and jazz which he really doesn’t listen to and wished he could mature his singing to fit other genres. I know I enjoy listening to his music and of course I don’t know any of the artists or the songs… which is quite normal for me… hehe… but I’m so glad I don’t know them because he’s going to be introducing me to a whole new range of music which excites me. Also… if this is improvisation dancing… it’s good to have the lead have a better understanding of the musicality while I can just follow his lead. Ideally both would know but that’s not necessary… my body will hear the music and do it’s thing anyway.. hehe… but I want to focus on my partnership development. I feel like I might be a little slower getting into the down and dirty intimacy… who knows.. but if so… I definitely would like to demonstrate my energy while I’m dancing…because… I know its attractive and can be quite powerful for my partners… I just get so damn excited… and when I let loose it’s so fucking fun! That’s what I want to show him which I might not be able to demonstrate outside of this setting. I’m going to work my way here… but it does seem like I’m a bit stiff right now…hehe… And it’s just because I haven’t had people to really play with… no I’m not going to blame anyone else… I just have been focused on my spiritual work and sometimes I’m bit more on the strict side with myself. since my transition I’ve gone off the deep end of strictness and was like fuck… it’s time to relax and enjoy now… and I do to some extent but I can do this more and it’s become more obvious how stiff I am compared to him especially. Argentine Tango is a very passionate and sensual dance… I absolutely adore this dance and want to have more opportunities to learn. We taught this style of dance but yes it felt like it had too much structure to this free flowing dance… I mean structure is necessary when beginning to gain confidence and learn how to communicate with partner.. but with this dance it’s for lovers to explore this style of nonverbal communications… how to speak with our bodies and I’m so excited to hear what he has to say… and I’ve got some things to tell him too… hehe… yes I’d love to see if he’s interested. Of course I find that this would be great for us to do together and build a bond through… however I am looking down the road for him too. I’d love for him to have more tools in his belt to enjoy himself whenever and wherever he is. He travels to different cities and countries… so possibly if I introduce him to something he didn’t realize he would enjoy… He can find dancing while he moves with the flow of life. The dance community usually isn’t a stingy group… we love to dance with our romantic partner yes, but we also love to dance with everyone! And I have a feeling he’d absolutely love this as well. So I want to be very intentional with him. I’m not wanting to make any excuses or have fear to stop me from expressing what I’m looking for in a committed partnership… if we choose that we want to move in this direction then I’m not going to hold back.. this is something I want to share with him. And I’m definitely interested and open to activities he wants to introduce to me as well. He enjoys caving and I was introduced to this through his hostel and i loved it and could definitely see myself doing it more. I was hoping to have trips with him but I found myself in other groups and we’ll have plenty of time to find opportunities to share trips together. I’m hoping he’s a taking his time caver…hehe… we’ll see when it happens. But he seems so fascinating… and who knows what he has up his sleeve… I’d love to hear what he thinks is something that can build a bond together… maybe there’s a secret desire to learn something with a romantic partner that he hasn’t tried yet… for some reason I feel like he probably hasn’t hesitated to try things out romantically but who knows until we have a conversation. We might have a brief time to say hello this Thursday and maybe Tuesday… he’ll be traveling and so this won’t be the time to talk to him… but I’m still trying to give him space from his separation. I’ve been trying to flirt but in a very subtle and minimal manner right now. Again I have that shit going on that I’m going to be too much or too intense… but I have a volume button and right now it’s on low… and intuitively this is the right move right now. Honestly I need this time as well for myself… I have been clearing out romantic energy of past energies myself. I’ve been doing this for awhile now.. and have been successful except I can feel a bit of lingering going on with the Aussie man. I feel like he too will have some remaining from this nest mate. I think if we’re honest about this… it will help us not feel bad if there’s a lingering that exists, but I hope our chemistry can spark us to inspire us to have a desire to get to know one another where we can clear those past energies in a short period of time. I do need to know what he’s looking for in a relationship. If he’s wanting to not have anything serious or just wants a fling… then I don’t think we’ll be able to move into a romantic connection. I want to attract someone who is on a similar page. I’m not looking for a fling and I’m hoping if I go into this fully then we’ll be building a relationship for our lives. People might think this is pretty extreme but it’s where I am. I’m not saying I want to get married right now.. but I’m saying… I’m looking to build a bond for life and as life flows we’ll work and dance with it together. Again… I’d love it to be romantic, but I feel like we’ll be amazing friends and business partners… so our relationship for life doesn’t have to be specific in one area compared to another… but flexible to change while we grow… and not having to plan everything out from the start but be as open and authentic to see where our relationship leads. So yeah I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m patient to see when we’ll actually get a chance to engage fully and privately… hehe… until then I know I have more own energy to clear to set up a better start to our journey together. So… I finished the drafts for the communities from the intention convention event last weekend. I’ve been wanting to get into this and finally I’ve gotten there. I don’t think I’ve said much about the convention except for the moment of bliss drumming around the fire. So how to begin? Ok… so there were eight definitive communities represented. We had guests who are involved with other communities but weren’t really representing the same information as the eight communities.. most of them were founders, shareholders, and board members… they have a bit more skin into the community i guess. My romantic interest asked me if I’d like to be the meetings note taker… I thought about it and said that yes… I can give that a try… I’m curious to hear what everyone has to say and what everyone wants to talk about…. I know I have my ideas of where it can lead… but if I’m a note taker then I won’t talk much and mostly just listen. I hadn’t really had much experience in this except for the owner at the temple who would have me type out her words for different communications she had. So I guess I started to have a little bit of experience. But anyway… I keep saying how intuitive he is… he might not realize this but for some reason his suggestions for me seems to benefit me highly and I’m so appreciative of this. Hehe… it was intense trying to keep up with the conversations. He got two of us to be note takers and we both were focused at trying to get as many words down that we could. We now realize for next time that having a mic and amp would be very beneficial. Sometimes it was hard to hear people, plus we want to sync a transcribing program for ease. However, this was very beneficial for me to take these notes. I was using my iPad along with my portable keyboard… so I’m sitting there clacking away on the keys trying to keep up… We had long meeting sessions… so both sessions my iPad died on me… hehe… we were in the middle of the woods in a Greek theater setting… it’s beautiful actually but I didn’t have any extra battery bank with me… I mean I do but I don’t have the cord to charge my iPad… hehe… any way once my iPad dies I’d move to hand written notes… the first session I didn’t realize how many words would be spoken and I only got a fraction. But I only brought three pieces of paper thinking I’ll just type everything out. Well.. I filled those pages and couldn’t get all of it down but there wasn’t much before we broke for lunch. The same thing happened during the second session except I had enough paper with me to continue recording until the end of the session. The problem that I had was I was using loose paper… it wasn’t in a notebook and I didn’t number the pages either… so when I was putting the information on the paper onto the iPad… it wasn’t in order… hehe… but it didn’t actually stop me from how I approached the information I wanted to deliver. So… i guess I didn’t really understand what was expected from me and the other note taker… I think she was a bit more familiar in doing this… she was talking about taking minutes and is very detailed oriented on formal procedures… hehe… ummm… ok… yeah that isn’t really what I was thinking of doing. But we were supposed to work together.. and I wasn’t sure how other than posting my information that I had typed out… it wasn’t in order all the way but she created a shared document and she was hand writing the entire time so it was going to take her time to enter her data in. She’s a full time student and is trying to launch her first issue for a magazine she’s trying to publish. So yes formality and grammar and editing skills is right up her alley… and it’s funny that she gets partnered with me who is not good with any of these areas… lol… but she was very stressed out about the note and the time of submission. I admit that I had that feeling at first as well… I don’t know if any of you read a few submissions back when I got back.. but after that session I was able to relax because I was the only one pressuring myself to get things out for the community members… hehe… and so I was trying my best to let her know that she doesn’t need to be frantic that nobody is breathing down our necks except us doing it to ourselves. She said she’s been busy in many ways in her life and I said to not worry… do your things… I get the vibe from the people involved are just appreciative of how we were wanting to help… and they’ll be happy with whatever we share with them. We had another girl who did end up creating an audio recording… so she’s going to continue her formal submission which is going to take her a few weeks to finish up with her schedule and just the tedious nature of this style of record keeping. I’m not sure how our relationship is going really… she is hostel fam… so she’s involved with the hostel and is close to the founder. She is in fact the other lady he sandwiched himself between and the whole opportunity for me to touch his hand… hehe.. i was the timid side he was dealing with while she was the comfortable side and the whole massaging of the head and everything.. so yes no issues of demonstrating affection… hehe. But I met her for the first time at the caving event. She was one of the guides and so she’s an avid caver as well.. and I like she’s a bit more on the professional side of things.. so yeah I recognize a bit of stiffness like I see in myself.. but I’m thinking it’s more on the distrusting some… I guess I feel like specifically she doesn’t know if she can trust me. I could definitely be projecting but I did feel this so I was keeping space and allow reality to have us engage whenever that time happens to be. I might have a bit of projection going on but not fully… to me I can explain it in the way she started her note taking.. hehe… she had everyone’s name listed and she had these elaborate and flowering words to describe everyone present. Even to the ones who were wanting to get more information about intentional communities and weren’t directly involved in sustaining a community…anyways when I got down to my name the only words she had for me is “note taker”… lol… so yeah she wasn’t really interested in anything I was sharing during the event. But granted I didn’t know she was on her way of publishing a magazine either… but I feel like I overheard a little conversation in regards to this but it seems like she wasn’t sure if she should let the group know what she wants to do… or maybe waiting for the appropriate time to let us know… I’m not sure but I didn’t think too much about it because if I’m to know I’ll get that chance to let it unfold in the appropriate timing for myself. So really… I feel like there’s a weird girl jealousy thing going on between us I think… I’m not use to dealing with this much anymore… not that I haven’t danced this dance before… but yeah… I think that’s why she has a distrust in me… of course I don’t know but this is my Journal so this is a great space to purge my thoughts regardless of how accurate it is… I want to get her out of my thoughts.. hehe… not that I don’t want her out of my thoughts completely because I told her that I have more information beyond the words spoken at the meeting because I have ideas I want to present with possibly brainstorming for solutions to network everyone for the coming year. She was trying to understand what I was doing with my notes… oh yeah… I didn’t even get to what I was doing with my notes… hehe.. tangents. So yes she was going to focus on the formal side… and I wanted to focus on how does this information help us understand what was said…. So in my opinion the first thing to do to help with clarity is to separate the communities and have a general summary of what the community shared with us. So I’d start with one community and I’d copy and paste all the members words of that community together so I can use their words to summarize their information. So this is what I was saying I didn’t need to have everything organized in order to do this. In fact many speak like me where answers weren’t given during a specific questions but was spread throughout the entire time of their speaking. Similar to myself I might have heard the questions but it wasn’t until later did I realize my answer so yeah… I found reading through their words a bit more scrambled around… helped me actually get their summary out by deciphering my crazy notes… hehe… a few times I’m like what the hell did I type and what’s being said… I didn’t run into many situations like that but it was fun. So yes if we have a summary we don’t have to read down through the entire conversation of the meeting to find an answer. I think I did a fair job summarizing their information together. What I really enjoyed when I was taking their notes were the words people were saying… it makes me giggle just thinking about it. Our character and personality I was trying to keep as I was summarizing… so yeah for me formal recording wasn’t what I enjoyed… I felt like this was a family meeting and so to remember everyone’s character I loved keeping their quirkiness… it’s absolutely adorable. I found myself laughing out loud when I was trying to get their message out… when I submitted my drafts to the specific communities to review and edit for accuracy… I got a few laughs back… they laughed that I used the actual words they were saying… I said I don’t mind what was said as long as it’s authentic… we’re family so I don’t think anyone will get offended… I mean this was how we were talking anyway… of course I have some of my language in the mix since i was editing their information… so I wanted to make sure they were happy with what I had to represent them. I also know there are areas such as the financials that went over my head… hehe… words I’ve heard before but not really any understanding in the context and so I wanted them to better explain what I couldn’t do for them. Plus there were a few communities who didn’t say much during the meetings… so I wanted to give them another opportunity to share more… it’s possible it was overwhelming to be in such a large group and finding a chance to express yourself… the founder was giving people the opportunity, but again didn’t mean they were confident and comfortable expressing… maybe now they’re back in their space they can find the words without any pressure on them. Yes… I’ve been loving the opportunity to gain rapport with the individual communities as well.. I didn’t know how I would approach all of this… but during the meeting we are taking about networking.. so I was going to see how comfortable people are by sharing conversations through online messages. I’d like to start to get to know who I’m working with as well… I know how group chats going with each community… I’ve sent out the drafts and I”m waiting to have them returned their edited version. So yes… the fellow note taker wanted to understand what I was doing so I was able to let her know and she has access to my summaries in the shared document so I figured she would understand what I was doing. And she did say that it seems like this is not a requirement for me to do, but I told her it’s something I want to do. I’ll get to know the communities there a little better with this summary… because it was fairly chaotic trying to keep up with the words…hehe. And the founder also told both of us that he didn’t expect us to do these extras… he thought he was going to receive our chicken scratches and submit them for people to decipher for themselves… but he’s appreciative of our initiative mannerism we both share. I told her I’m enjoying myself and since I’ve done this I’m starting to find connections between them which is what I’m more concerned with. So I told her that I’m not a good editor…for my second project I’ll type it out and she can go back and edit it if she wants to. But I told her she seems like she’s got her hands full with the transcribing already which will take a few weeks… that it’s not necessary. She wanted to edit the summaries I wrote but I told her that I’d like the communities to do the editing. I saw a few of her edits and yeah it was missing the character of the person speaking. I guess it was too formal for me… and honestly I don’t want her to make my content so formal either… I want my character to come out as well.. and my heart and my passion… this is part of my passion project and I’m super grateful to have this opportunity right now. I’ll get into this.. well.. if you’ve been following along for the past six months I don’t have to continue repeating myself of my desire to help communities and connect a network of communities globally… but there’s some lingering baggage when it comes to her specifically so let me get this out for a little bit… so the girl jealousy thing is what I’m wanting to address… so of course I don’t know anyone’s relationship to one another. Before I move on I want to continue to warn people this is a space for me to purge my thoughts.. she is not a bad person.. in fact if she’s been introduced into my life right now I’m excited to see how our relationship develops. So keep that in mind… I find it fascinating how relationships evolve and I ultimately have hope for us to bond eventually… but I”m pretty patient to see that… I’d hope within this year things can completely change but if it takes five years from now… then I’m fine with that too.. I don’t want to have to prove myself and I don’t expect her to prove herself either… I just want to get my initial baggage out so I can open my mind to find a different perspective… which I’ve already been noticing and I want to share but I start from the chaos before clarity… hence my title… its a beautiful chaos and I appreciate this process… so ok… why do I think there’s a girl jealousy thing going on? So I met her at the caving event… I knew I went there to specifically get an opportunity to talk to the founder but I noticed how needy people are of his attention and so I laid back during the weekend and thought possibly we’d have a chance during the few days after I planned to volunteer… so yes I could see he wanting his attention… and she wasn’t completely needy… she has a relationship that’s been developing so he’s more willing to give her attention. but I wasn’t sure if I saw her desire for a possible romantic attention… I’m not sure why I think this.. but I think that’s what i was getting the vibe originally of why she was wondering why I was at the event… maybe she was wondering if I was there because of a romantic interest too… so possibly why she didn’t care to get to know me… which in turn I reciprocated. Again I was observing her and I liked how informative she was when she was getting everyone ready to cave… she went to the same cave as I did however there were two groups and I was in the meditative while she was guiding the adventurous one. we had an incident during the caving the third group in this same area had a girl who got a cut on her leg which was more like a puncture wound and needed to go to the hospital. She wasn’t present when the founder brought her back to take her but when she returned with her group we informed her. It was again interesting to see her reaction. I definitely would describe it as professional yes, but also filled with worry and concern and even anxiety of making the correct steps forward at this point. She was the only staff member at the location now… she’s the leader and she knew she wanted to make the correct decisions which makes sense. We were all tryin got help her get to the results we got too… I feel like I was reminding everyone that it’s not a life a death situation… not using these words of course.. but the one of the girls I was with who helped the founder get the girl inside the car and had a staff member join them to watch her in the car while they went to the hospital… she was a bit frantic as well… when I saw the mannerism of the founder with the injured lady… at first I got up and wondered the degree of severity it was… he was quite calm and had it under control… she’s got a minor injury that needs to be looked at. So I didn’t react… in fact I allowed the people who jumped into help and I continued with my conversations. So the frantic one addressed the note taker partner…and again I can see how she wanted the energies to elevate to degrees which isn’t necessary… to help the frantic one I asked her how close is the hospital and it was like 10 minutes away… she thought it was going to be hours away and thought there was going to be such a huge blood loss etc etc… once she saw that it was right down the road she felt better.. and so again when they were both together she couldn’t help herself wanting to elevate the energy but I felt like I was able to keep it calm and stable for the leader to understand that it wasn’t a life or death emergency. She wasn’t sure again who to trust at that moment but she kept her cool and started to focus on the logistics… she was the only staff and there was a group who didn’t have a staff guide. She questioned if she should go and get them… she feared that they shouldn’t be alone… I reminded her that it’s more of the advanced group… there were many experienced cavers there who are confident in their skills and should be fine for them to get back out when they’re ready. Many confirmed the people present in their group and she recognized some of the descriptions and finally she said ok… she doesn’t need to get them. But then she started to look around to the vehicles… the founder’s truck is here and he will not be returning to get it back… so we’ll need to return it to the hostel. She wondered if all the vehicles present part of our group. I said yes every car came with us… again a question whether to trust me… and so I got out my iPad’s footage and said I recorded everyone arriving because many of us are first timers so there was electricity in the air… so ok… all of the cars are there… one car was missing so how many additional cars do we need. This is when she decided that she’s going to stay back while the two groups who are finished can return to the hostel… sh’ell drive the truck back and any person who needs to ride with her. Good solution and again good observation. we really didn’t have any more interaction that stands out in my mind… we just move to this weekend event and the first memory is the founder talking to her and asking if she remembers me… and she looked up and said oh yeah I remember her and we both just shared a simple smile… hehe… not grand affection for one another and again I will reciprocate… and I completely understand. But yeah… I see there is an affection between them but I also don’t sense a romantic chemistry or spark there either… polyamory being so present gets me wondering who is partnering with who…lol.. like it’s my business… and actually that’s not what I’m asking myself.. I’m asking who is he partners with… but I did see her celebrating a ten year anniversary with her partner on FB and so that’s was cute to see… and yeah I’m not sure why there was a thing for a second… I’ll see how it unfolds… ok.. I feel good leaving that behind so let’s move into the insights I’m getting from the note taking. Since I’ve been involved with the temple farm in Utah I’ve already been brainstorming ideas of what suggestions I’d have for that particular property but again it always leads back on how to scale it to other properties and eventually globally… and again with me not talking at the event and taking notes I found it interesting to hear commonalities and differences in each approach. At the end of the meetings I had a brief moment with the founder to ask how he thought it went and of course he said it went well but he can see things he wants to change for next time. The setup had people arriving Friday afternoon or Saturday morning… the meetings were scheduled longer with both during Saturday before and after lunch.. people will leave at leisure on Sunday. He thought splitting it up through out the weekend would be best… four shorter sessions one on Friday and Sunday and two on Saturday.. I’m sure there were more details he thought of but that’s all that was said at the time. I agreed because I felt we only got to know communities and we really didn’t get to any action steps of solutions for areas of concern. And I think that’s what’s going on right now while I’m deciphering these notes. I guess there’s something I want to address real quick before the details is that at the end of the session there was a collective agreement for the properties wanting to create a blueprint of the function of a community… talking about an outside mediator.. and who would be interested visiting properties to find network opportunities… inside I wanted to say that that’s exactly what I’d be interested in, but I didn’t want to commit to only these properties… so I waited to see who would volunteer or be interested… and there was someone who said she’d be interested… and it was very interesting to see how everyone responded to wanting to support her to do this. She already travels between many communities… I believe she has seven on her list for next season already… and only one was present during this event… so is she saying she’s going to add another seven? I spoke to her one on one… because of course I’d love to support her as well and I wanted to see how she was thinking of approaching this… i love her passion and enthusiasm towards problem solving solutions for her communities.. and I can relate a lot to her.. I found myself reminding her that self care is important if she wants to do this. Ok… I just got done eating a spaghetti lunch with my pops… I feel better using him as a soundboard at this time because it’s not so much spiritual stuff like Aya and deep shit… it’s language he can understand again if he’s not really passionate about but there’s more feedback from him…hehe… and by talking I knew I was missing something… I didn’t know what but I think I figured something out… I want to help these communities and right now I’d like them to focus on self care of course but they’re really wanting a body of intentional volunteers… I was seeing where my nonprofit comes into play.. I’ve got high standards of the communities I’m involved with… right at this time I have communities I adore but all but one are places I would recommend to friends and family to freely go to without my presence… I know it sounds a bit…whatever the word is… but I’ve got high standards and I want my recommendations to be valued because of intentional results… just as an example… I love the temple farm but with the personality that runs this space and there rules… i don’ know much of my friends and families who would enjoy themselves alone, but if i was there to put things into perspective it would be a different situation… same thing applies to the shamans that I work with… a few months ago someone was wanting me to write a FB review on their retreat and I said I wasn’t able to do this because I don't think they’re recommendable at this time. Not that I’m not going to continue me work with everyone… but once they’re ready then I’ll recommend them… but if they’re not there yet… then whomever is attracted to work with them without my recommendations is how it’s supposed to go since that’s what’s happening. I want to build skills to enhance my understanding of what I’d like to do for WithinUverse nonprofit and I was thinking I was going to be recommending these particular communities… but I don’t really know these communities right now… and so I don’t know where there standards are…. But what I could see WithinUverse backing up right now that can help these communities… finding volunteers who are intentional and desire to contribute… I can see creating a program to find these volunteers… I’ve met volunteers I would put on the list already… and possibly it’s going to be a recommendation program… not everyone can go on to the site and sign up with their details… somebody has to recommend them to join… and this tool can also be used as a reference for volunteers to find opportunities. So yes I see I can put my focus in this area at this time. Everyone want to know how to get volunteers to actually work.. and there’s a concern they’re just looking for a free place to live so they’re not homeless… and I would consider myself as a work trader and I can see how these could be a perception to look at but that’s going to limit volunteer opportunity because of the lack of trust. Now the people I know doesn’t mean they’re all completely perfect volunteers… we have our pros and cons; however… they’re intentional to grow and learn and connect… so I’d recommend them to be volunteers for these communities… even though I’m not sure I’m recommending the communities until I actually have time to understand where they are. Another factor that seems to be in the way is that these communities don’t always have housing for these volunteers… so this will need to be addressed. WithinUverse would love to have a collection of intentional volunteers and to start a system to start gathering these people I find will be very beneficial. Interesting… it’s going to be nice to narrow down my focus right now… so where do I start? Hehe So… what are programs that are already out there that seem like it’s the same thing or similar? Let me do a search real quick… right now I’m thinking workaway, woofing, couchsurfing…. Things of this nature and I also remember LDS has a website dedicated to finding volunteer opportunities… but there’s more out there I’m sure… lets see what I can find… so actually I think I’ll finish this session here so I can do some research… sweet… until next time… enjoy!

Of course. The self is a cloud. Without self, sky is beatiful, pure, bliss and empty. It is the Life. You have to walk the path brother. Knowing will not help you.

Ignorance is bliss @James123Go meditate. Lol

The Karmic substance is what goes on, certain tendencies and conditionings, 5 shealths theory again, your food body and mental body do not go on, the energy/etheric and Bliss body go on, Karma is stored in the energy body, it goes with Atman, via your spiritual/consciousness level at physical death, you either consciously or unconsciously choose another Body... There is Sanchita Karma, this is the total Karmic Substance of all Your Incarnations, then there is Prarabdha Karma which is the alloted Karma for this incarnation, the Enlightenment process is to first eliminate or burn of the Praabdha Karma then the Sanchita karma, once that is done, no more incarnations, no more individuality, no more birth/death/rebirth for You, You merge with Absolute and its over... No Karma, no form is possible, no physical existence in any form is possible, cause and effect cycles are incased in every physical form, only Humans can be conscious of this process and be either below or above it..that is the point of our existence, to explore this Possibility and Potential so Absolute can experience itself...

For me enlightenment is when the form disappears and what there is is a total openness to being. Being is absolute, it only flows in one direction, the direction of existing, and it is total. It's like an absolute brilliance that totally bursts forth. What becomes obvious is that what veils our perception of ourselves is what is perceived as negative, but from an absolute perspective, the negative is also positive because it exists. There is only one category: existence. then your being opens completely and what you are outside of time manifests, since it is the same as you, me, a rat or a stone. There is only existence, and it is total, and you are that. That's it, game over. I think you could call it totally bliss.

There's much more than 2 meditations, plus meditation is not a proper word to use, someone sitting with eyes closed, you think they are meditating, but they are sleeping, it doesn't reflect what we need to understand.. We want to be Meditative, or at Ease wtihin ourselves, that is we are naturally Accepting what is, Responding to what is, Living Now naturally, this Ease is no stress environment, the stress response is stopped, and You have great Clarity of Reality, You see what is as it is, no judgement, egoic involvement or wants/needs flitering Your Perception.. You just see the Reality, via this You feel Bliss within, so Bliss is a path and by product of Enlightenment, to get Bliss, start from where You are at, get Peaceful of Your Own nature, watching breath will not get You there by itself, its too basic, that will just in ways calm you down, You want Peace as a Natural Experience, no matter what is going on, heart beat lowers, less sleep needed, and more at Ease, then from there naturally You will rise up to Blissful states as Natural occurence. Try Isha Kyria, a simple 12 min practice, then move up the ladder to Inner Engineering and Shambhavi Maha Mudra practice which is 21 min,,

You have 5 sheaths, the last one is called Bliss Body, that is when Your Intouch with it, God/Absolute/Soul/Atman, they call it Bliss Body because there are no words to describe it, as soon as You describe it you limit it, conceptualize it and make it what it is not but we can be intouch with it, that is Enlightenment and with that comes Bliss, Sat Chi Ananda Truth/Consciousness/Bliss...

The Automatic nature of Consciousness Consciousness is fundamentally automatic in the sense that it doesn’t take any action to be Conscious. Because you are Consciousness you can take action but consciousness itself doesn’t require any action. Automatic vs Manual The only aspect of your consciousness that is in a sense “manual” are your actions, everything else is automatic. This present moment itself is automatic. State of being is Automatic Fundamentally It doesn’t take any action in order to be in whatever state of being you are in. Your state of being is automatically generated based upon what you are believing/defining as true. Negative beliefs generate negative states, positive beliefs generate positive states. The Automatic flow of Consciousness Consciousness has an automatic flow to it in the sense that every moment your Consciousness is changing in frequency and different experiences are happening. Your state of being is constantly changing. The purpose of Action Actions are designed so that you can guide the automatic flow of your consciousness in the direction you prefer by taking action in that direction. What actions do you take in order to guide the automatic flow in the direction that you prefer? Actions such as following your passion, investigating into your negative beliefs, letting go of fear, using tools and techniques that you are attracted to using, etc. Letting go of fear You can refer back to one of my previous posts if you want to learn the process of letting go of fear. Letting go of fear guides the automatic flow of your consciousness into more aligned states of being. The less fear you have the more you will be in alignment with your natural self and the more expanded your Consciousness will be, leading to deeper and more profound understandings of life. Cultivating your State of Being In order to cultivate your state of being you must first understand how state of being is generated. As I said previously, your state of being is automatically generated based upon what you are believing/defining as true. Many of you have heard of Bashar and thus I will refer to some of his ideas. One of the main ideas he talks about is the motivational mechanism. The motivational mechanism: You always automatically choose in the direction of what you believe or define as most beneficial and you always automatically move away from what you believe or define as not beneficial. Whatever state of being you are in is the state of being that you are currently believing/defining as most beneficial. Any beliefs/definitions you buy into you do so because from the perspective of your current level of consciousness it is the most beneficial belief/definition to buy into. Beliefs/definitions reinforce themself because if they didn’t you wouldn’t have any motivation to buy into them. We will refer back to this understanding later. To begin cultivating your state of being one of the highest positive yield actions you can take is letting go of fear. You want to get to a point where you can maintain at least a neutral state of being no matter what. Once you can maintain at least a neutral state you want to take action to bring yourself into states of joy, love, bliss, passion, excitement, ecstasy, etc. These positive states are all aspects of your true nature. In order to bring yourself into these kinds of states you need to investigate into your beliefs/definitions that are preventing them from being generated. For example, the reason you aren’t automatically ecstatic is because you have beliefs/definitions that are convincing you that ecstasy is somehow less beneficial then your current state. Here is the question you can ask yourself in order to guide yourself into a state of ecstasy: What would I have to believe is true in order to not be in a state of ecstasy? 1. Close your eyes, and bring yourself into a meditative state. Repeat this question to yourself like a mantra. 2. The answers to the question will be downloaded to you and will automatically create the effect of shifting you into a state of ecstasy. 3. Your current state of being will determine how long you will need to repeat the mantra before the investigations produce the effect of automatically shifting you into a state of ecstasy. You really do need to work on your fears first before you do this particular investigation because the fears prevent you from going into states of ecstasy and other positive states. Fear lowers your frequency and doesn’t allow for the higher frequencies of your true nature. Aspects of Consciousness There are many other aspects of consciousness you can incorporate and cultivate into your state of being. Any of the aspects I will list below can be cultivated into higher and higher levels. You can progress in whatever direction of consciousness you want because consciousness is absolutely infinite. Any state of being you can image and not imagine is possible to cultivate for yourself by taking action in that direction. Aspects of Consciousness to cultivate: Automatic Life Efficiency This aspect of consciousness is defined as how efficient you are being with your life in terms of your growth and expansion from moment to moment. A high automatic life efficiency means you are growing and expanding very rapidly from moment to moment. A low automatic life efficiency means you aren’t growing and expanding very rapidly from moment to moment. You can increase this aspect of consciousness to profound levels. Automatic Skill This aspect of consciousness is referring to your ability to do things well. The idea is that skill is an aspect of your true nature and it’s built into you. If you aren’t experiencing your automatic skill, the skill that is built into you, it is because you are buying into beliefs/definitions that are out of alignment with your true nature. Positive limitations Positive limitations are limitations that support you in being in alignment with your true nature. Positive limitations promote positivity and prevent negativity. You can cultivate more and more supportive positive limitations which makes it that much easier to be in alignment with your true nature. Extraction of Growth You can bring yourself into states of being where you automatically extract high amounts of growth from whatever you experience. Devotion I define devotion as taking action for the highest well-being of yourself and your reality, using high levels of conscious and intelligence in order to do so. You can your state of Devotion more and more powerful, effective, and profound. High Positive Yield Actions You can bring yourself into states where whatever actions you take will automatically provide for a very strong positive effect, you will also be more aware of particular actions that are very high yield to take in your reality. Intelligence You can bring yourself into higher and higher levels of intelligence. Remember that intelligence is not of the intellect. Consciousness is intelligence, as you expand your Consciousness you will become more and more intelligent. Indestructible Stability and Balance You can bring your state to a point where no matter what is going on in terms of your emotions, thoughts, behaviors, or the situations or circumstances of your life, you maintain indestructible stability and balance. Higher Mind Receptivity You can cultivate states where you are more and more receptive to your higher mind, downloading any relevant information automatically and getting more and more in depth understandings of life. Life difficulty level Life is such where choose your difficulty in very much the same way you do when you choose your difficulty setting in a video game. Your state of being determines how difficult you experience your life. You can bring yourself into states of being where life is more and more easy. Positive Synchronicity The reality you experience is a reflection of your state of being. You can bring yourself into states where you experience more and more supportive positive synchronicity in your reality. This allows the situations and circumstances in your life to make it that much easier to move in the direction you prefer. Synergy of Consciousness You can bring yourself into states where your consciousness and reality functions more and more synergistic and holistic, allowing for more ease of life and efficiency in the direction you prefer. Presence This aspect of consciousness is how much you are allowing yourself to experience the present moment. Eckhart Tolle primarily talks about this aspect of consciousness. Positive Momentum This aspect of consciousness refers to how much momentum your state of being has in the positive direction. You can increase this aspect of consciousness to keep make it that much easier to continue accelerating in the direction you prefer. Omniscience The way I define this aspect of consciousness is how much of life you directly understand automatically, without needing to do any intellectual analysis or contemplation in order to do so. You can cultivate this aspect of consciousness and bring yourself into states where you simply understand life automatically and can continue to deepen those understandings. Boundless Identity This aspect of consciousness refers to bringing yourself into a state where your identity expands beyond your individual physical personality construct. In a state such as this your consciousness will be much more expanded and your actions will naturally be in the direction of the highest well-being for your entire reality. Allocating Responsibilities This refers to the recognition that your physical personality construct wasn’t designed to do everything and can’t do everything. You can’t do everything with action, and thus you need to bring yourself into states of being where the things you prefer to happen, happen automatically. You can take action to bring yourself into states of being that allow your higher mind, oversoul, and various other aspects of your consciousness to provide more support to you. Using everything advantageously This is an aspect of consciousness you can cultivate where everything that you experience is automatically used positively along the path of least resistance. Healing You can take action to bring yourself into states of profound healing. You can make your reality as a whole support that much more in terms of healing you from any kind of misalignments and fears/disease. Remember root cause of any kind of disease is fear so also take action to let go of your individuals fears. There are hundreds more of various things you can cultivate. I will add on to this list and if you have any you would like to share please comment. Remember that state of being is automatic so once you take action to cultivate a particular aspect of consciousness it functions automatically within you and doesn’t take any action. You may go into a particular state from taking action in that direction but then fall back out of it, you simply need to take action in that direction until you can maintain it automatically without falling out of it. A couple questions so that I can gauge this forums readiness to cultivate deeper aspects of consciousness. How many of you have let go of all fear? For the ones who have not, are there any particular reasons why you haven't? If most of you haven't yet let go of all fear I can do various investigations and create posts to help you do so.

Yeah I guess if we get that detailed that would be a good categorisation 👍 Is not that is less or more valid, is more like what we want to 'aim' for in this work. I understand when people engage in this conversations is because they are looking for well being and transformation to a higher possibility of existence. @Princess Arabia But maybe I am asking too much because recently today in other topic someone called me narcissistic for aligning Enlightenment with ending suffering 🤣 We are getting to that point of distortion that is not just Joy or Pleasure, forget Bliss or Ecstasy, you tell them Peace and they do not think that is even possible. They have concluded life is a mountain of ups and downs so I they have reduced spirituality as a gossip exercise to distract themselves. Because of course, anyone that seeks to know how to conduce the human in a conscious and well being manner, is narcissistic according to them...😳

I think I´ve been very close to death while doing yoga. Yes, it feels better than anything else that you can imagine. All of This is already described in Yoga: 1. Mental body (limited = physical) 2. Material body (limited = physical) 3. Energy body (more subtle, but still physical) 4. Etheric body (transition from the physical bodies to the non physical) 5. Bliss body (unlimited, completely non-physical). Basically Bliss body is the last stealth or covering of the Self, since already is unlimited and non-physical. You could say it is the Self but not really, is more like a 'quality' of the Self but not 100%. Since the Self is absolute emptiness and non-existence (Nirvana). Bliss is close in terms of Perfection to the feeling of Nirvana but still not IT.

Ramana Marashi was being eaten alive by worms and bugs, but he was in such Bliss that he did not notice it, ppl had to wake him and take him out of it otherwise he would have been eaten alive, what was his preference? There was no preference in him then, just Bliss which is an aspect of Truth and Consciousness (Sat Chit Ananda), which is what Enlightenment is all about... So in that sense, what is a slap anyways??

If I slap you, would you be in bliss? If you are not you choose to not be slapped, that's a preference therefore attachment.

Attachment is Unconscious action, Choosing is Conscious Action, big difference there... there are always preferences with concern to actions, there doesn't have to be preferences when it comes to realizing reality as it is, via Clarity, it is as it is, and it just happens to be Beautiful and full of Bliss..realizing that is not a preference but a knowing of what it really is...

This works mostly only if You've already established Your own Peace/Bliss within that is a natural everyday occurrence, if that is not already established then most will want specific outcomes and identify with it, and suffer it if things don't work out that way..

Good morning… so interesting I was just finding myself doing a physical purge is something minor but it’s a sign for me and I”ve found myself doing this quite often lately… it sounds maybe a bit odd.. but it’s belching or burping… I wasn’t going to start this session with this but literally when I was signing in and scrolling to get to this session to write I was doing this and this is something subtle but it does communicate to me… and for me by participating in Aya ceremonies… I’ve noticed the many ways of purging and this is one of them… to me it’s allowing space and room for me to release the old and open to experience the new… so I guess I wanted to mention this. So when I started with so interesting at the start of this… I wasn’t going to say anything about burping but that’s what I wrote… what I was going to say was interesting is that I fell asleep shortly after my post last night which was fairly early in the night and I slept until I woke up at 2:22am in the morning… I used the restroom and my dad was getting ready for bed… and I thought maybe I was just wanting time to be awake and be the only one to be awake in the house for some solitude in an essence… I thought maybe this is the time I can dive into deciphering the notes from the weekend… but I found myself coming to this forum and I started to read my first entries when I began this Journal. Gosh I didn’t remember who quickly I got into exposing myself with areas of trauma that I had when I was younger… but I was reading and I felt like I was getting tired again… so I went back to sleep and while I was sleeping I started to get some insights of where I can explore my attempt to express why my body is recognizing something.. my body is recognizing safe space… and trust is something to look into more as well. So.. how do I begin? So I was reading about the events I had when I was a child and there were inappropriate engagements that I shared with older relatives… there was one who restrained me and overpowered me when I didn’t want to be with him. I’m sure this is something that has been subconsciously assisting me of not fully trusting people. However much I have a desire to find safe spaces… I have so many stipulations that mind has that doubts or suspects foul play behind people’s intention.. Geesh when I write this out it sounds like it’s so extreme but that’s not how I perceive it… for the most time I do not feel like this but I think specifically when it comes to exploring and expressing my sexuality… this is where I haven’t felt a safe space before. Again wanting to have this was always a mind chatter of wondering if this is a safe opportunity… but if feels right now… that my mind wasn’t really ready to understand what a safe space is… it’s my body who seems to feel like it has more understanding… these are not separate and they work together… but to explain this it makes more sense to split it up… my body seems to be stepping up with clear communication that is more evident to notice… while if I kept it as a mind masturbation… it would be the same old thing… so yes Realities communication seems to be clearer and I’m so grateful I’ve become open enough to receive these communications. Not only was I feeling like there’s an opportunity for a safe space for my sexuality… but at the fire circle… again… there was a safe space for me to surrender and express myself through the drum and voice… I’ve been looking for safe space… and I’ve found it. And I’m excited to see what my potential will be when I have a safe space… holy shit I feel like I’m going to transform drastically and exponentially right onto my path with a much deeper confidence and trust in myself not only the Universe… again which isn’t separated but there’s a humanness that seems to be addressed. There’s a human side to me that needs deeper understanding before it can transition in these areas as Universal love. Hehe… if anyone starts to read this Journal near the end there’s a lot of context that is missing when I’m typing… Enlightenment exploration is what I do and how I try to explain the benefits of transitioning from human to Universal mindsets… when our identity switches… we communicate with the Universe in a manner where messages are being given in massively diverse ways… but once it clicks that this is guidance… there’s no hesitation of oh… when am I going to start working on this? It’s like ok… thank you there is something I’m going to work on now.. and the benefits of working on what’s stopping us from moving forward with authenticity is far more desirable then waiting… I no this is challenging for me to explain… but that’s why my rambling goes through this process… there’s in between the lines that communicates as much as direct words that are coming out. We’ve got to be using our intuition and intelligence to gather the data and gain the understanding. I’m working on figuring out how to speak with clarity and conciseness that I’m heading towards… but this is the process and I’m learning through the process. And even though I said that it seems like we don’t want to wait to go through the lessons but I’ve been getting messages to prepare me to work in this area… so it wasn’t quite immediate… but I guess it’s been patient for me to prepare myself to make these changes… and it’s clearing up room to allow me to be ready to be ready… and I guess once I realize all of the factors that are in alignment… and then I realize… ok I’m ready to do this. So… yes it excites me to see what has challenged me in the past… I’m so much more confident that it’s not going to be as challenging as I think it is… I’m ok with challenge because it’s so worth it to get into it and see the benefits of the results of facing the challenge and embodying the results that are gained through facing… so yes… I enjoy the communication and relationship with the Universe… I’m so blessed to have reached this state of union… it’s what I’ve always desired but didn’t know until I was in it. We’re in it folks… we just don’t realize it until we do… and to do so we have to make commitments to be more intentional in all areas of our life. Ok… let’s get back to safe space and trust. Let’s go into trust real quick… it’s a bit funny but I’ve always been on the side of trusting in my life however I didn’t realize the balance of finding a safe space to really be able to trust. What am I saying? Let’s just bring up the Australian man again… I had gotten so many messages about him and I cannot express how much I trust the Universe and when I was receiving these messages I’ve been demonstrating to the Universe just how much I trust it by overcoming fears.. and when I notice areas of fear I want to explore and discover so the fear can dissolve.. or at least reduced… so we shared intimacy when we met and we met through Aya ceremonies where safe space was present… we were able to be vulnerable and explore and express in this safe space… but when we found ourselves out of the safe space… things changed. I wanted to continue the vulnerability and exploration to continue… my communication didn’t change, but for him… it was different when he returned back to the real world… his communication changed and his opinion of me changed as well. When I went to visit him there were details that he was expressing that he’s not ready to be vulnerable right now.. he was going through a divorce and even though we wanted to see and visit with one another… there was a wall up… and yes safe space wasn’t present but I wanted to trust and still went through the motions that I needed to to get the experience to learn from. But holy shit… I continued to trust because I continued to receive messages… and I’d try to reach out and express with my heart and I didn’t really realize he wasn’t able to create safe space for me. I know I felt this but I wanted to trust that the Universe is wanting me to engage with him… but the Universe was also telling me to be patient and wait… and I felt like I was doing this… but I’ve gain so many insights while I was dealing with him. And it’s to the point where his energy is not needed in my energy right now… I’m moving forward towards growth and if I continue to try to hold on.. that’s going to prevent me from growth… and I desire growth far more than a human. Finally the Universe was able to communicate to my thick skull that it’s time to cut the cord between us. Getting to a point of understanding that I trust the Universe completely and trust it will guide me through the unknown… and I trust myself to be able to walk the steps necessary for my human to learn through experience. I rarely opened up to expressing my romantic side to him… I knew he was not ready for that however we’ve been in our relationship for seven years.. so I thought we’d be able to get to a point where we could talk more deeply… but that wasn’t the case… and I’m not going to wait for him to be ready… in fact I’m ok to remove him and see who and what the Universe wants me to experience. That’s why I think again I was tearing up… tearing up and crying doesn’t come easy but it’s starting to flow much easier than the past… but the Universe knows my deepest desires.. and even though I know this is a deep desire I have… I get in the way and the Universe wants me to allow myself to experience the best and I’m just so thankful that it’s never given up on me… The Universe never gives up on us and knows our deepest desires and wants us to experience these desires… but it also understands the complexity we’ve woven around our hearts to be able to be ready to allow this bliss to enter our lives… I trust the Universe… I’ve been able to trust myself which in turn allows me to trust “others” which again in a way doesn’t exist.. but most people I’m speaking with right now are humans so the concept of others is a thing… so I was thinking about my current romantic interest now… He has been a safe space right from the get go… but of course my mind was not certain… it’s doing it’s thing of observing and contemplating… again.. there’s a desire for safe space to open up freely but again… my mind thinks it’s going to take time for observation before determining through thought to discern whether its a safe space or not… and just to let you know… it’s not like I knew I was looking for a safe space… hehe.. I’m satisfied being with my own energy and even though I want to find “other’ energies to connect and bond with… I’m not desperate and very picky and more patient. I’m noticing that I too have one foot out the door to escape if I feel the need to… and that’s what I’m understanding again by noticing that my body is speaking louder than my thought right now. It’s recognizing something that it wants the mind to understand… when I speak with the man I see that I want to be as honestly expressive than most… it’s hard to explain because I do this on the regular but I also know see there’s a deeper degree that can be embodied and its drawing me into a deep desire to explore right here and right now. My body recognized he is a safe space… I wonder how similar we are to each other when it comes to this… I wonder if he also found himself wanting to trust and find safe space to move into deeper levels of expression. To me from the brief observation that he seems to be well on his way of doing this comfortably and easily… like I was say might be something people perceive of me… but he admits that there is a messiness that he knows he wants to address and so maybe he hasn’t felt that safe space to explore depths to these degrees that we intuitive know exists but finding the combination of divine timing of preparing ourselves to be ready to be ready to open and surrender deeper. I want to be that safe space for him. But he says it’s hard for him to trust and so I understand there’s going to be a process of building this trust. And again… maybe he hasn’t had the loud communication of his body speaking to him like I have… and so maybe I can assume his mind and thoughts are what is speaking to him which makes him want to question everything and as hopefully he wants to be… doubt creeps in and it speaks strongly to carefully maneuver in the Reality in these areas… if this is the case then I completely understand. I’ve been slowly trying to interject to him that I’m not wanting to have a foot out the door right now. I want to keep both doors in… I’m wanting to completely surrender to getting to know one another and see how much growth we can find by committing to explore and surrender depths to allow benefits we don’t understand at this point but intuitively want to experience. I want to have both feet in but there’s also a side of me that is wanting him to know that there is a purpose that I’m involved in that involves universal connections… global connections is how I explain for a human to understand… I’m telling him I can give him a year which might be interpreted differently than what I’m trying to say. I am motivated to move in my purpose that’s universal… there’s something quite profound and grand that I’m involved with and I want this to be understood. Why I am saying a year I can give right now is because… I have a calling that will take me away from Indiana… from the States… into lands I haven’t known as this human body. But the quality of intention isn’t understood right away. I continue to walk with intention at all times. An example from the weekend would be when one of the guests gives readings using his crystals… I noticed people were sitting in the same room and when it was my turn I didn’t want to be difficult or rude.. I like everyone who was present.. but I didn’t want this experience to be public. I wanted it to be far more intimate… I wanted to remove ourselves from possible distractions… I wanted to focus and get myself to ground and receive… we moved into an area where no one present…and he commented on how he loves to see how intentional I am with this reading.. and it makes me chuckle because yes… I understand that the Universe communicates in many ways and if the Universe intentionally becomes intentional then clarity of communication arises… and sometimes not.. but again this is something subtle but sharing time together its understood… removing distractions allows intention as well… declutterring activities that surround the situation… I’m moving back to the moments we shared on the couch… even though I know I gained understanding by sharing this with him and everyone else in the space… but I also gained an understanding that where I am right now… I desire privacy and not a public display. And it wasn’t like anyone was watching us as if they were the audience to see what our interaction was going to lead to… but again I didn’t want to express myself in this environment. As much as I enjoyed enjoying the touching we shared… I was distracted with activities and I felt I couldn’t explore my intentions as deeply as I would like to. I mean this doesn’t automatically assume that when we are alone that I’ll be open either.. hehe… I just don’t know how things are going to play out. But I also don’t know if he has a desire to spend quality alone time with me either… but again I don’t think he knows whether he wants to either. We don’t know one another… and there’s a woman who came into his life expressing at surprised attraction towards him… he maybe wondering why? Maybe he’s wondering if I have alternative reasons? But I also noticed that he didn’t automatically close the door on me either. And I think being able to be around each other’s energy he was communicating that he’s willing to take some baby steps to see if there is a connection or attraction between us. But yes… he’s got a lot on his plate not only all the hostel stuff but his heart is occupied in dealing heavy feelings. I’m not in a rush… there’s nowhere I want to be right now except right here and right now. What I desire is to be intentionally present with him to build strength in trust. I feel there’s something far deeper than just romantic depths… that’s just the cherry on top… and if we find romantically isn’t where we connect or bond… then that’s fine as well… I see us partnering up far longer than the year I am committing to. I feel this year will allow an honest and realistic understanding of where we are and how we work together in multiple aspects of our lives. Many may think that a year isn’t that long of time…but holy shit it can be a life time of experience when living with intention. There’s been transformation from the year I spent in Utah and Colorado which was a year… but again there was an element of missing the feeling of a safe space… I can imagine that having a year of intent, trust, and safe space will again be the perfect combination from tangible growth that won’t be as subtle as in the past. When I say I want to be here for a year… doesn’t mean thats where it will end… in fact I want it to be the beginning of our journey together… allowing us the time and space to get to understand one another… if it goes even a hint of what I’m feeling and intuiting… we’ll want to choose to spend time together outside of Indiana to help support one another. I feel I can gain so many benefits to support him and his empire he’s been creating and it’s amazing and impressive… I’d love to dive deeper into his creative mind and be an assistant to allow him to remember to self-care and clear energies that linger and unnecessary… Even though I would love to support him, I’m also not wanting to lose my empire I am wanting as well… I know this is unshakable and I won’t forget but also communicating that I’m not wishy-washy about my purpose… but people want me to explain it through words and that’s challenging but hopefully I’ll find the words soon… or really when it comes it will come and until then I can express my passion for purpose can be understood by spending time with me. I don’t really know at this point but I have an intuitive nudge that this man has been working towards transitioning from human mind to Universal mind… and that’s where my line of work comes into play… I hope that through my support with his visions for a year will allow him to understand why he might want to support my vision as well… which isn’t excluding him… it’s going to be showing him the potentials that he might not have imagined quite yet… he’s brilliant and creative and has been manifesting larger than what an average human thinks is possible…and I have a feeling he’s confident to give back more to the larger community collective… I’ve made commitments in my purpose that has allowed me to move freely between communities learning about detachment which is not void of unconditional love.. but in my understanding that I’m willing to make sacrifices to create a connected whole ultimately… but my idea of sacrifice continues to mature and I don’t need to sacrifice to degrees where I don’t allow myself to enjoy opportunities I want to explore. I’m over whipping myself to be motivated and disciplined… these are things I am and graceful to the degrees I allow at different times when I fluctuate. Learning to dance to the art of Reality is becoming more masterful… and strategy is looking for that point of a degree of impetuous… I do care but I want to go all in because I recognize the potential results. And I have a feeling it’s far more that what I can imagine at this time but what I’m imagining it’s going to be worth it! And damn it I’m worth it too! I’ve been working to get to this point and I’m grateful how much doubt is clearing away… So again it seems like sex is a main focus right now and I don’t want it to be such a focal point but it’s an area that I’ve been setting on the side so yeah it’s now become important for me to address.. it’s been waiting to be addressed and now I see an opportunity. So in this environment there seems to be many who are involved who are open to sexual play. And they are not shy in their expression but very respectful. I’m sure they can smell it on me… that curiosity of exploration… I think they witnessed moments of raw honesty of bliss with ones that I’ve found to surrender and express…usually when it was in smaller groups that’s where I’m comfortable right now. This is reminding me of a message exchange with one of the guests during the weekend.. she was so sweet and expressive of how she appreciated meeting me and sharing time together… I’ll share the screenshot of part of the conversation. But I bond with people in smaller groups and with time to bond and express… that’s something I’ve noticed with this man the founder… I was able to build bonds with the guests and staff more than I could with him because of time shared… as much as I would like to go right now and share time with him… his attention is on work related issues… and again I’m wondering if he’s more attracted to dealing with me because of what I can help with his work? And I know I can help with him in his work… but I want to get to know him personally outside of work context. I don’t want to piece together who this man is through other peoples interpretations and stories of him… I want to go directly to the source and have my own experiences to create the picture through our shared time together. I feel he wants this balance and is taking tangible steps to create the opportunities to find the balance. I trust he’s already doing what he needs to to realize it for himself. And I also realize that there’s a part of me who wants to prove my worthiness. What have I been doing to make me think this? So… I’m very excited to be meeting the people I’ve been getting introduced to specifically at the hostel. I mean I’ve spent half my time there so they are the ones I’m getting interested in and I enjoyed myself. I notice that in a group setting I’m not as expressive but I also found amazing in depth conversations and bonding when it was one to one and smaller groups.. and those few have a better understanding of who I am because it was the space and time I needed to share myself openly. But again I didn’t get to everyone.. it was only over the weekend which didn’t allow time for me to get to everyone and I know people are attracted to one another and so I’ve been wanting to keep in touch with these people. So how do I show them a part of me that I wasn’t able to express through words? I love to make these video clips of a story I lived and I do this already but it was one way to demonstrate that hey… I’m worthy to get to know better… see… I’m creative and I don’t actually put a lot of effort into these videos… but I’m going to be more intentional in the quality but there is still a degree of intention at play but this will mature… and then I was inspired to create storytelling artwork to capture the event through digital art.. which again is something I haven’t really had the time to explore much but I have a degree of confidence in art that it can be presented with some degree of approval… another subtle way of worthiness through creativity… but then there was another event with more people who I want to get to know and also the case I didn’t get to everyone personally but desire to make arrangements to have that alone time to understand one another more… but I was a note taker… and I placed the timeline of getting the information out in a timely manner that again was a way to demonstrate my worthiness as an allí for this next year and also wanting to get a piece of art out during the honeymoon phase… but I’m rushing the process… I mean I like the artwork but it’s not really at the point that I’m like ok.. .this is why I’m trying this out… and I am concerned that this honeymoon phase is a short lived time period… why? I feel like I’m half assing things because of this perceived timeline I’ve place us on. I’m worthy and damn it if no one wants to find that out then why am I giving so much effort to prove my worthiness? And how many people am I trying to prove to? Again… it’s like what I dealt with in art in general… I hated when i was doing art when I was thinking what does the audience want from me? Let me brainstorm what they want… when I transitioned to not caring what they want and focus on what i want… it’s much more satisfying and fulfilling to approach art this way… and that applies now… and it also applies to showing my worthiness to the people I’ve met. It applies to my romantic interest as well… what does he want so I can prove my worthiness to get to know me better? I mean it’s easy to have the enthusiasm to help with projects around the hostel which can show my worthiness to be a part of the hostel… but there’s far more that I can help with than labor. I’m just used to showing worthiness through labor and results and efficiency. But I’m more sensitive now and I’ve found myself exhausted. And I’m getting messages that my role is changing.. and I’m not sure exactly what that means… but I have a degree of understanding that labor isn’t all that I’m good at… and labor is a very tangible degree to determine worthiness and a blunt way to notice… but I work in the subtleties… and I’d much rather follow what I want to do at each moment without pressuring myself of what i should do to show my worthiness… I’m trying to figure out how to weed out people who are not aligned with me at this time. I’m trying to maintain my energies and wanting to focus energy towards my purpose which encompasses many facets… but I’ve been thinking about temples… I thought that staying in one place limits the potential of ready people to find one another… but that isn’t the case. I found many amazing people by being at a temple… it was attracting the people together and we were recognizing one another… and so my original thoughts of me having to go and travel to find the people… that’s not always the case… many people I’m looking for are in areas that don’t allow the opportunity and freedom for international travel so I know I’ll be going to them… but right now I’m feeling of grounding my roots for awhile… and allowing the opportunity for people to find me. when I come to Indiana especially there are so many amazing people that I hope are ready to move forward to Universal mind… so I have lists of people I want to go and visit and spend time with… but I want to focus my energies… and I don’t know when people are ready… I just know I”m ready to expand.. and why don’t I see who gets attracted to the location I’m at? I mean I’ve always been impressed with the people I’ve met at the hostel… and it was clear it attracts amazing people just like the temple… the founder has built this vortex of attraction… and why not be able to work with this magnetism? He’s extremely magnetic however I feel like I am too… so why not increase the magnetism? I do enjoy labor admittedly… I’m so excited there’s a wood shop here at the hostel… and I haven’t had an opportunity to enjoy a wood shop before except for brief moments in college… the wood shop calls to me and the professors were noticing my affinity to wood and was trying to pull me into their department… I have some experience with carpentry and construction but to not great degrees… I studied architecture and interior design.. so building is something I want to build experience in… and I’m hoping this could allow opportunities… but when I was laying the floor I felt this pressure of getting the thing done in two hours… i felt tension in team members and I found it very challenging to be satisfied with my results… I was distracted with all the factors… and I’m not satisfied with the quality I settled with… but this is a skill I can foresee to build if I was able to be a part of this community for a year… but again skewing the schedule a bit… two hours of construction and woodworking isn’t much time for me to process and create comfortableness. Yeah… that’s something I noticed in the temple when it came to duties of labor… she had a long list of items on the labor list but it wasn’t available for everyone to know what was on the list. I’m not sure why but I could see having a vision of where the community is going is something I’d find valuable and motivating to contribute to that vision. But she also looked at her volunteers as laborers … I’m not saying she’s bad by any means… but she has a lot on her plate that she wants done and so she had a tendency to see laborers for items on her list. She wasn’t really getting to know the volunteers who came onto property… she didn’t really understand what value they have in this environment… she just knew they were there for a temporary period of time and then they’ll move on.. so she’s going to get as much labor as she can even if it’s half assed because at least it’s getting done even though we’ll have to rebuild shortly after… I started to see that if people had specific skills in building she would have projects for them to work on which again wasn’t on a list anyone knew about only herself… so I’d ask the volunteers who came to the temple by court for community hours to give if they have a skill relating to building and so she was able to get specific tasks done by specialized volunteers you know like electrical issues and such… again labor seems to be an easy qualifier of value of someone’s worth… but we all understand that life and communities are so much more nuanced than that. I’d like to look at the nuisance more in this community. I feel like I want to find a recruiting system in the pool of volunteers. I’d like to see what all websites that are out there for people prone to volunteer work… I know there were a few that I learned from the LDS which I browsed through… but I’d like to personally do some outreach to the local population too… geesh I’ve got so many ideas of how I would like to approach this community… but I literally don’t know who I’m working with at this moment. I just have a strong desire to get the chance to know him more. Let’s just stop right here and understand that I have not spoken to him about his visions and goals in a deep manner… I heard what people shared during the meetings but I want to read between the lines… they are so immersed in the community that sometimes it takes an outsider to observe something about the community that it cannot see for themselves… that applies to individuals as well… so thankful for the people I meet who are honest about what they see in me that I couldn’t see for myself.. it’s helpful. But I’m going to stop entertaining visions of what I’d like to help the property with until I actually get the quality time I need for understanding. I do like hearing what they’re sharing but we didn’t get to a point of steps to move forward… some questions seemed easy to answer… but again I like to work with subtleties and nuance… and observing and feeling out a community will give me far more understanding then listening to the words that were shared. And even though I love the people I met.. I also know there is so many lovely people I’ve met and have been building a relationship here in Indiana… again… maybe I’l be more patient to who I’m drawn and attracted to work with instead of just thinking about everyone and narrowing my focus to the ones who are magnetic and attractive. My communication with the Universe is expanding and I’ve realized an example of what that communication looks like with this hostel for example and it’s founder. I felt the draw and wanted to visit these events before i came here… so the lines of communication are open and there just expanding the ways of communication and I willing to expand my communication as well. Music is calling to me… nature is calling to me.. deep bonds are calling to me… transformation is calling to me… building is calling to me… safe space is calling to me… I feel like safe space is becoming more apparent and the different ways that can be applied to my life right now… in a physical manner… no matter how much I love and respect my father… his house is not a safe space to feel comfortable in. It’s again challenging to explain because he is a safe space… he’s been a safe space for me all my life and why we’ve become so close… but his actual home is not a safe space. It’s cluttered and dirty which is distracting and time consuming and tedious especially when I know the efforts and energy I place into it will only last a limited period of time since this isn’t a concern for him right now… but it’s been really challenging for me to cook and even clean myself while I’m here… there’s no running water… which again shouldn’t be that big of deal… this isn’t the only place I’ve stayed in that doesn’t have running water… but the care for cleanliness isn’t present right now… only in very specific areas… but I went eight months without a kitchen at the temple… when I spent two months with my buddy in Colorado we were having the best of time cooking together… how much i underestimated the value of having access to a kitchen will not be taken for granted… just like spending a year here with my pops with out a bathtub… I only took two to three showers when I was in Utah… I took baths.. I find it so beneficial and healing for my soul and so I didn’t want to take it for granted and when I knew I was coming back to Indiana… I knew I wasn’t going to have baths often and I also knew the condition of the kitchen I’d be working with… and I feel myself more resistant to stay in the place… I was able to create a degree of cleanliness when I was here last but it took over a year to accomplish this.. and when I returned.. it was back to where it was… i mean not exactly I see steps of improvements… but I just see so much energy to get it back to where I feel comfortable to be in this space. In fact maybe that’s what I’ll be doing today… just start cleaning again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be here and I cannot assume that I’ll attract somewhere different… so work with what I have and get it to a point where I’ll be able to maneuver easier. I seem to be working with my relationship with the cold a little more too… when I was in Colorado in the airstream I wasn’t as cold as one would assume… it took a little bit of adjustments but I found I was able to sleep and be comfortable in the cold… my dad is also concerned about me being cold because there’s no central heating but he has portable heaters and he keeps wanting me to use them and has given me a heated blanket… and i’m grateful for the concern and tools to keep warm.. but I also feel like the cold isn’t affecting me in the same manner. There time for adjustments and then I’m comfortable. I know I do appreciate him holding on to all of his clothes though…hehe… I’ve gotten rid of most of my belongings and I raided one of his closets to find some sweaters to wear since fall is ending shortly and winter will be upon us. I’ve got plenty to choose from… and I’m grateful… I do enjoy being with my pops… he said last year that he doesn’t want to spend the whole winter here at the house because it’s challenging and we aren’t really invited to the holidays with my brother and the grand kiddos… so it’s just not worth toughing it out the winter and wants to go to New Orleans to visit a cousin who recently moved there. He wants to go for the food…he loves to cook Cajun and wants to enjoy authentic Cajun… he asked me to go… but I said I’d go for the food but I don’t want to go to New Orleans.. I’d want to go to the bayou… in the boondocks… no man’s land… hehe… I can do both but I wouldn’t want to spend much time in the city… i know I’ll find enjoyment there… but I’d like to focus my time in the country… also I’m not certain I’m too thrilled to visit with the cousin… again something in small doses would be good but not a heaping helping…hehe… love her but energy is pretty intense… I know it will help me see where I’m at with dealing with this style of energy but I’ve already had that with someone who lives in my hometown… he’s got intense energy that’s also needy… and the result is I’ve told him to stop reaching out to me at this time… he’s going to have to wait until I reach out to him.. he’s repelling me with that type of energy… it’s really the neediness and desperation of attention… it’s not something I have the energy to share with this person. and subtlety and nuance just goes right over his head so I have to be straightforward and firm. He does the same thing to my childhood girl friend and that’s how he was introduced to him again he’s a neighbor of hers… but she hasn’t made it clear to him where her boundaries are and was complaining about the frequency of his communication and asked if I’m still dealing with it… and I was happy to say no I’m not dealing with it… I was clear in my communication for him to not reach out and I’ll reach out to him instead. I’ll probably go and play a round of disc golf one day with him… but not at this moment… however… hmmm… maybe that’s something I’d like to do right now and then come back to cleaning… yes… nature calls to me and I love the woods here where I play disc golf… yeah… that’s what I feel like doing right now. Ok.. cool… I think this was a good session again… until next time… enjoy

That sounds nice and bambi .. but go deeper ...perfection can be distinguished from imperfection..by the obvious fact that these are two different words or concepts. So why does God have to experience his imperfect perfection rather than perfect perfection? Isn't it any less perfect by doing this ? God is stuipd to experience his imperfection when he can stay in infinite bliss forever. If you were a Greek god with a lifetime of 10 billion years..who knows no physical or mental exhaustion..who possesses immense prowess and can survive even a planetary destruction.. it would be rational to claim that God is perfect and wise to choose this . On the other hand look at you..How fragile and vulnerable you are..it takes a zillion things in proper place in your environment and psycholology to make a moment of respite for you while a minor little thing like a virus.. temperature.. gravity..accident.. discomfort..tough emotion can legit screw you over. It takes like 15-20 years of healthy childhood.. education and environment to have a decent..high esteemed self..while only one traumatic event or imagination can plant a deep imprint in you and screw you over badly for life. Being a human means we are In the world of imperfection. Anyways..Nice try ..all religions and philosophers have tried since the dawn of time to explain why God is such an asshole for creating such a hell hole and they couldn't.

You lack boundaries. She does not control your use. You do. She is a witness to your life and a participant in your journey, not the conductor. You must continue to act in your best interests. By allowing her to forbid your psychedelic use, you're setting the precedent that you will do actions that make you happy, and not do actions that make her unhappy, regardless of how you feel about them. Do you want that life for yourself? A life where you've grown to resent your partner as the woman who stops you from living your fullest, best life? it makes me sick when people drop ultimatums in relationships. It's manipulative. Why does something so silly matter more than your relationship? She doesn't seem to value it THAT much if a little bit of psychedelic exploration would make her instantly ok with the thought of losing you. Or, maybe she's not OK with the idea of it, and just thinks that you fear losing her so much that she can threaten to leave as a way to make you change. Again, manipulative, and she is treating you as weak. You might actually be weak. Or she might be trying to make you weak. I can't say. Further more, I find myself nearly FURIOUS that you've been being gaslit into beilieving YOU have done anything wrong here. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Why did you take psychedelics? To pursue momentary pleasures that are meaningless and come with a high risk of death, simply to feel momentary bliss? No... not with the psychedelics you've chosen. You chose those to grow as a person, as a man, as a man in relationship, as a man in this floating mass of subatomic particles, didn't you? I believe you did. Your "drug use" is being mislabeled. One, you don't have a history of "drug use" you "used a drug, twice." Second, you weren't "dishonest" at all. You told her about the experience the first time. That is undoubtedly HONEST, especially since you knew she wasn't the biggest fan of the psychedelics, so, you were brave in telling her something instead of protecting her from the truth. The second time, again, there was no dishonesty, you simply ACTED WITHOUT FEAR OF NEEDING PERMISSION, and then you HONESTLY informed her that you had taken something when asked. if you are getting punished for living without fear of needing permission... well... that's not a good life. If you're being accused of jeopordizing the relationship, you're being gaslit. The only person jeopardizing anything is your partner by attempting to control. threaten, and create ultimatums. So, to answer question 1, I think staying in a relationship primarily for sex will lead to what you're experiencing. And it's okay to enjoy having sex with soeone and staying with them for a while, but that'll come to a natural end once you have to choose between having a good sex life or having a good life. You should always choose a good life over a good sex life. To answer question 2,3,4... all of those questions are asked from the frame of making yourself smaller to please someone else at the cost of your full authentic expression of consciousness. That's not OK. 2) You have to prioritize your personal commitments ahead of your relationship commitments. 3) Rebuilding trust needs to start with you firmly setting boundaries about what you will do, not compromising on what you will do, and being the man and therefore creating a container of trust and safety where even though you will live in ways she may not always agree with, she has nothing to fear. 4) Said 1000 times here but the only problematic approach to relationships I see here is letting someone else dictate what you should do, and giving into fear of ultimatums. If someone gave me an ultimatum i would immediately break up with them even if it was an ultimatum to not do something I didn't want to do. Ultimatums are a sign that the relationship, in her eyes, is one-sided, and that she can and will leave you the moment you don't meet her expectations.

Wowzers… ok… so I had an amazing time at the event this weekend and there seems to be so much that’s running through my mind at this time. Hehe… I have some work to do but I felt like I should start writing before I dive back into it. So how do I begin? I guess I’ll start with the moment of bliss that I had during the event… not that the entire time was fabulous.. but there was a break through moment and I’ll start with that. So there’s some context that I’ll give to set things up. This hostel that I’ve been going to the events seems to have an energy that allows for a safe space which is pretty normal for a location, but what’s really special is the people who are here. I am noticing myself letting loose a bit more. I seem to enter a space and observe to see how far I can open up with the people I’m with. I understand there are different levels of consciousness we could say and so some environments are a bit more open compared to others. So I have been noticing myself feeling out this space. I guess a good example of this… is I went a few days earlier to help out and so technically I was a staff member at this time… and I was doing jobs and such like laying floor tiles and cleaning out the compost toilets.. so I was technically working as a staff member however… it didn’t really dawn on me until Saturday night… my awareness noticed a shift in me where… holy shit.. I am a team member for this hostel… hehe.. I’m trying to explain something that is subtle. But again during the event I was doing the duties asked from me… I was one of the note takers for the meetings, cooking and cleaning for our guests. But after we had a drum circle where I’ll get to in awhile which was my break through moment… but there were guests who needed assistance with their rooms and questions… and I started to see myself actually shifting into team mode without anyone asking me to do so. There actually were two staff members inside that I could’ve asked to help… but I just started to do it myself and most things I didn’t know how to do.. like looking at the computer system to check people in and see what rooms are available.. yes… I just hadn’t got to these types of positions yet because there’s normally staff who is there doing it… but I started to get into the nurturing mode.. and felt like these guests aren’t just the hostel’s guest, but they became my guest and I wanted to help them to the best of my ability… and I also noticed since I didn’t know too many details about the procedures and where all the rooms are and their names… so I felt like I was doing my best but I can definitely learn more to do better next time. But yes… I could see areas where I was still wanting to be an outside observer with this space. I feel like I was really trying to see who really am I working with… do their values align with my values? And so again… it felt like I started to notice and allow myself to get in deeper with this community. It’s really interesting also because I usually can express myself openly and honestly; however… I’ve been noticing moments where I still have hesitancy and this place will help me with this. Everyone seems to be very receptive without initial judgements and just a safe space… I don’t want to have to decipher if each space is ok to express openly and I can see me gaining more experience while I’m here. And I can see this becoming a part of who I am… and I understand that I’ve been working on this already and I’ve seen improvements.. I just notice the potential to expand in this area will definitely increase here. There is a shift of not playing small any longer. I can feel myself not wanting to play this game any longer. And I’m ready to embody this in a much deeper and consistent way. So… I’ve been playing instruments since I came to the hostel and I absolutely adore the fact there are available instruments to play with. We have head and heart morning meetings and part of this is saying our daily personal ambitions.. and on Saturday I said I wanted drumming to be my personal ambition. The communities that came to this event actually are very familiar with drum circles around the fire… and I was hoping to get one going that night. I started to seed this idea during our break where I needed my own space since it’s a very social event. But I grabbed a djembe went to a picnic table away from the group to just practice drum beats I’ve learned. I wish I could remember more of the rhythms but there seems to be three that stand out and the others I’d have to look up the recording to remember… but anyway… I wanted to seed the drum… Before dinner I was asking questions about events with drum circles and said it would be nice to get one started tonight… one participant said that her husband will be more then likely will want to participate. He had arrived later and I hadn’t had anytime to share any time with him. He actually cooked all the guests an Indian dinner which was delicious… I was talking with one of the staff members about possibly grabbing some instruments and bringing them to the fire circle… but I think we got shy and decided to not do it at that moment. It started to get late and many were already heading back to their space to rest… and then the husband came outside to the fire with a steel drum.. I was like Yesss, finally… he played in the background as people shared conversations.. and finally I approached him and asked if I could play along with him? He was very open to it and so I grabbed another steel drum and sat next to him. Now I have played this style of drum before, but still very new. So I asked if he could give me a few tips… and he said that I can just focus on the heart beat… always remember the heart beat. And so we had a steady slow heart beat and I was hitting the other tones to hear the sounds to compliment the bass heart beat… and he was playing easily next to me.. and I had to remember the heart beat… as I started to experiment more… hehe… I had to keep remember the heart beat… and for the most part I was doing well but missed the beat too..hehe… but then there was marijuana that was being passed around the circle. Normally it’s an automatic no for me since I passed out four times last time I tried and slept for six hours in the middle of the day because it just didn’t mix well with my chemistry… but there is a specific situation that I seem to find that I do enjoy participating. I said… ok… one… I am staying where I’m smoking… so if I need to sleep or pass out… then I can just walk to my bed and I can sleep.. so the setting was here. And the second requirement would be having an instrument in my hands. I don’t smoke marijuana anymore but from time to time I try to see if I can still do it because in the past I was an avid smoker and thought I wasn’t normal without it… but that was different substance then it is now… but when I’m playing instruments… my mind stops over thinking and it seems like I start to play music very naturally and as if I’ve been practicing with the instrument that’s in my hands at the time. I remember I found Shwag in Cusco and I found a guitar in my hands… which again I’ve had opportunities to play but nothing extensively… and normally playing rhythm on the guitar is challenging only when I’m not smoking shwag… when I smoked it… it seems like I’m just very comfortable and it comes very natural and I sound harmonious with the instrument… even though it’s not complex.. the simplicity I can find at these moments are quite blissful. Last time I was in Indiana I found myself drumming at a friend’s place and again I smoke with him… and by the way I want to let you know what smoke means to me… I take a hit… and mostly a half a hit…lol.. I don’t take much in because it doesn’t take much for me to feel it and also I’m not trying to numb out so yes a half a hit is what I enjoy if I can sleep and create music… but while together we had an amazing drums session together… I mean even his high school son ended up coming out of his room to join us on his drum kit… and it was so awesome! The only thing about this past occasion I had to drive back home and I remember getting lost and driving extremely under the influence and I hated it. But back to the story… I went ahead and took the half hit and it did just that… allowed me to surrender to the experience without doubt but filled with curiosity. So yes… I just started to get far more into the drumming… it seemed like I found a rhythm and then everyone started to sync around that… at first it was just the husband and I …. And then we had someone come in with a smaller djembe… and then more and more grabbed instruments and joined in… and it was wonderful… once people got the beat and was able to keep with it… I started to experiment and explore and it felt effortless to do this… and that heart beat was there in my mind but I didn’t have to keep it with the drum at all times… I could hear all of the space to play and then return back to it. I could feel everyone really getting into the same zone… I started to notice people dancing along to the music… I have played in drum circles before and it doesn’t seem that everyone’s on the same page. To me many times it seems like there are people who are tying to play with one another but then we’ll also get the ones that don’t hear the community drummers and they just start playing their own thing which isn’t as harmonious then trying to compliment everyone around them. That’s actually why I joined a drum troupe last time I was here… because I wanted to be harmonious with a team of drummers… and this was more structured where each song has around six different rhythms created to work together… and so it was easy to feel like you’re a part of the team… and it felt really good to be working together with everyone in the drum circle… but this night… this was the first time i was sitting with a group of drummers and players who I hadn’t met before this event… and everyone was trying to cooperate with one another… and not only was it harmonious… I mean it really could’ve been a song… it felt so good to be a part of this. I started to get excited and I felt everyone else was getting excited as well… and so we continued. The second round I was listening to the new beat that was being created… it didn’t start right away… but yeah you could feel everyone trying to find how they were going to be a part of the new song… and then all of a sudden… I started to hear the connecting music in my mind… I started to hummm… and I tried to play the music I was hearing with the drum but it wasn’t coming out the way I was hearing it.. and so I stopped drumming and started to sing the rhythm instead… it was absolutely fucking amazing… I didn’t have lyrics.. but just sounds of rhythms that seemed to bond the drum beats together… I hadn’t have that happen to me before… I mean when I’m in Aya ceremonies… I have had this experience where I just know how to sing… I feel Ike it comes out so naturally that I don’t notice any steps to get to that comfort level.. I guess there are times where I’m more exploring with my voice and so I do see playing with the sounds… but in these past situations… it was just my song… i guess I have tried to sync with my shamans Icaros as well but not as successful as it was this Saturday night… It was just different… I hadn’t experienced it before but it just came out of nowhere and I do want to thank for the safe space for me to participate in smoking which is rare thing… but this substance helps me to stop overthinking when playing music and I loved it… and a little after I was singing the rhythms… the husband’s wife said she has a chant that she could teach me…and I told her that I’m already in my zone.. if you want to join us, please feel free to do so… and shortly after… she started to sing with us… oh my god! We were making a song and it was so satisfying and blissful… I’m getting goosebumps just by thinking of it… She has a beautiful voice and I cannot wait to be able to get together again and see how this harmony develops. I was buzzing and continued to buzz until the next morning… however it was after the drum circle that I started to feel like I was a hostel family member. I noticed checking in with people before I went to bed… and when I woke I was checking on the ones I ran into to see how their experience is going. I took a soak in the tub and I was trying to do this quickly because I was trying to make our morning head and heart meeting. People wanted to visit with me and I wanted to enjoy a moment and finally I was afraid I was going to be late… and I was a few minutes late… we happened to have the meeting out on the roof this morning… I’m buzzing and filled with bliss and gratitude and curiosity to what the near future is going to bring… and I sit down and start to listen to what is being discussed… the founder was sharing and he seemed to be cumbersome… he’s going through a separation with his core partner… his nest partner… and I was like holy hell… what did I just walk into? There was a heaviness in his posture and voice… it seemed like he wasn’t prepared for this extent of exchanging their belongings back from one another… He was telling us that he planned on taking a week off once the hostel closes for the winter, but he’s going to take a few days off now so he can handle the exchange and emotional work that goes into situations like this and time to process this gravity on him. He finished with hope and positivity but it hadn’t reached his heart yet… it felt like his mind knows things will work out eventually but his heart hurts and wasn’t ready to get over it.. but feeling the need to express and digest and process and however long that will take… I’m not certain a few days will be enough time to go through this weight… I’m sure it will be lighter to some degree… but definitely not floating. A few other family members weren’t feeling the best either… and it made me think maybe I shouldn’t be so happy then… again.. maybe I should dim my light just in case it’s not easy to handle when feeling down. I decided I wasn’t going to not be grateful and express how much the drum circle did a breakthrough for me somehow… it was expressed in a more calm and collected manner instead of overflowing with excessive energy. The founder was able to get a little time to talk with us personally before he left and we had a good conversation… but yes… I’m just happy I was able to give him a comforting hug… he admitted that he’s a delayed processor… right now he cannot get out of the need to be the collected boss and director… he can wait to allow himself that time to process… and I understand this… I think I’m going to switch into my observations when it comes to my romantic feelings that have been bubbling up when I’m with him. I’ve been able to process quite a bit, but I feel like I’d like to see if there is something I’m missing as well because there’s just so much activity I’m processing and so many spotlights on growth that I’d like to focus in this area right now… because I know this is something I’ve been wanting to work on and I”m finally get that change to observe myself to see what messages I can gain to guide me. So… how do I start? Well… the last time I wrote I mentioned how much I was squirming… I mean that was a huge indicator of something new in my awareness that I’m not comfortable with because it just doesn’t happen… hehe… ok… so this has given me an understanding of the true attraction level I have for him. I don’t find myself talking with other people.. I might even be talking about my sexuality with others and I don’t squirm… it’s as if it’s quite normal to talk about my sexuality because its something that might seem like an intimate situation talking about it… but there isn’t a potential to have an experience to dig deeper into my relationship to sexuality. I can recall when I was on that date night… I told him about this and I remember I wasn’t squirming when I was with the date. I feel in my subconscious it knew I wasn’t wanting to build something deep with this encounter… it was more of like an experiment to see how I was going to behave instead of approaching it as if it was something I was going to be committing to depth. I already stated that it felt like it was a performance and it wasn’t a natural curiosity of not caring where it leads just pure exploration… I was in my head trying to figure out how I should be performing for this person. I also had another conversation with a participant at the event which led to talking about working on my sexual relationship and he had asked me if I wanted to join him in a sensual meditation together that night. I immediately asked him what that would involve? He attempted to explain and all of a sudden I interrupted him and said… wait… I don’t want to know? I’ve been saying recently that I don’t want expectations or a destination when it comes to learning about my sexuality… I would much prefer to go in without having to hear expectations. I apologized for interrupting but I’m trying to make changes and I just caught myself going in a repeated pattern. He looked at me and said this is not the first time you’ve corrected yourself in front of me… it’s so refreshing to actually witness you doing active work in the middle of a sentence. It’s really aspirational. We continued our conversation and we didn’t have a sensual meditation together. It was in the back of my mind as a possibility which I am curious to see where it would have led.. but I’m understanding that my body didn’t react in a manner of depthness that I’m looking for. It was only when I was with my potential romantic partner… when I was talking with him… that’s where I saw my body and mind squirming to try to be confident in the conversation which wasn’t as easy as it usually is when I’m talking to people. Again this doesn’t happen to me… and so it was quite obvious that this was different. Observing myself I was in a bit of shock of wondering why it’s so challenging for me to talk about topics that doesn’t seem to be challenging to talk about… why with him? It’s because we have an actual possibility to build depth with one another. This is out of my comfort zone… and it’s hard to explain because this is what I do with everyone I meet… but this vulnerableness that I’m trying to express is far deeper then the degrees I’ve already been able to develop… I’m excited but also hesitant… hehe… at least I thought I would be hesitant but I’ve been finding I cannot sugar coat or avoid or distract when I’m speaking with him. We started our conversation with Enlightenment work and found reassured of the measure of Spiritual work he’s been able to reach thus far… and in this situation it was more on the lines of professional work… this is what I do and I talk about and gaining more confidence in speaking this way with everyone regardless of whom I’m speaking with. This is what I do and I take it seriously and I understand that this is a way to allow people to understand who I am and what I’m all about. But then he asked me what am I working on right now? And then the hesitation came… and the overthinking came..and the squirming came… Integrity is what I’m becoming and I could see myself asking if I should just do a roundabout way of answering the question… because I was uncertain how far I would express myself… I didn’t expect to tell him that I’m attracted to him within the first few hours of arrival. I figured I needed more time to observe him to validate to myself that he is someone I’m attracted to and make more calculated steps to approach this with him. Again… if I wasn’t really interested in building a deeper relationship with him… I wouldn’t have had the hesitation and just express my relationship to sex is a huge lesson I’m working on right now. But there’s something about him that my soul is recognizing and so the squirming about was quite present. I see that I don’t want to have mundane conversations where growth is not happening… so I can say that I could’ve brought up areas that aren’t deep... just mention easy topics to talk about… but it was quite obvious that I couldn’t do this and no matter how much that my thought that this is an option… there was nothing in my mind except to talk about my sexuality… there was no room in my mind to come up with any other idea… because this is the profound lesson that is strongest in my reality at this time… and damn it… reality likes to push me into areas of uncomfortableness to communicate where I am and is confident that I can process and make the necessary changes to allow myself to stop getting in my own way. If I continue to delay and observe with him… is just getting in the way… let him know there’s an attraction that is present… I let him know far better through the squirming by not being able to look at him.. I was looking at the trees and talking to them.. I was a mess… which demonstrated more communication then I did with my words.. but yes I was able to get it out without grace present… hehe… and he could see me blushing the entire time… Honestly I think he really enjoyed me in this squirmish state… it was honest and raw… i think he appreciated to see how I approach conversations with him. I appreciate it too but didn’t think or guess this was how it was going to unfold. So… I guess he’s going to know that I’m attracted to him from the start… so there’s no way for me to be smooth after this display… hehe So… what else did I notice being around him? Well… I noticed that we don’t get times alone together which actually stopped me from be squirmish around him the whole time. In fact i could definitely see the potential of how well we can work together in a professional manner… I like trying to explain how I like to be the surgeon’s assistant when I’m working with bosses… anticipating their needs and getting it for them to be successful and efficient… I enjoy being the right hand man… so far work wise… I seem encouraged. But let’s explore this a little more… because there are definitely rules set in place that doesn’t seem so easy for me to be in alignment with right off the back… I know most of this will stem from me not being a part of this community for a period of time… I’ve got a lot of freedom from my day to day and so there’s adjustments to make to be able to work in his system. So what am I talking about? So… I didn’t demonstrate punctuality well during this event… which is funny because I feel like I’m fairly decent with this… but again this might be in part that I wasn’t knowing that I was allowing space to be separate from the hostel family… but I feel like I had to apologize three times for being late… and two of them was due to taking a soak in the tub. Soaking in a tub gives me so much benefits and I will continue to do this for my self-care, but scheduling it better so I have time to make it on time. I hardly use a watch. I don’t have a phone and I carry around my iPad but time doesn’t usually play a huge role in my life. The system uses FB chat where they are communicating often to one another… I mean all of the time to me it seems because I rarely have that much engagement in this style. Right when I’m working at a location of with someone… I’m there with them and I try to remove as many distractions as possible to be present with Reality. I enjoy being intentional and focused… I can give quality contribution in this manner and I understand that I won’t lose this quality… I just understand that I’m going to have to make adjustments to be in this system. I already told a fam member that it looks like I’m going to have to get a phone again with a chuckle… this seems like a more obvious way for me to get a phone because normally I lose my phones within six months of having one and so I stop trying to get one because I guess the Unvierse implies it’s not necessary and I guess I haven’t gained enough experience to balance my attention when having one. So now… I’ll be needing a phone… the last time I had one I saw benefits of convenience when I’m in search of convenience however I didn’t like how convenient I am to everyone wanting my attention. It’s nice to tell people that I don’t have a phone.. I don’t have to feel pressure of answering someone right away because they understand that I’m not fully accessible at times… I’ve been able to respond when I have the time and desire… I don’t know why I wouldn’t still be able to do this even when I have a phone… removing distractions is an effective and easy solution… but I also understand when you introduce that distraction back into our lives… we really see our relationship to that distraction and not have a delusion of what the relationship is by our thoughts. So sweet… I’ll see how my relationship to a phone is going to go and how well I balance my relationship to it. I’ve also been noticing how much energy goes into being a community member too… right…. It’s far more social then what i’ve been accustomed to lately. I was at the temple farm for eight months… but thankfully for my cat we we’re able to stay pretty much to ourselves. It was ashram time for me… so I knew I wanted equal if not more time to myself than with the community. I was transitioning to more community than alone time by the time I left… but again I see this is something I’ll need to be aware of. So… again their schedule is everyday with one day off… this seems daunting for me… spreading my energy out instead of having it focused and then allowing enough time to process and relax for a few days… I mean in the meeting founders understand the importance of intentional volunteers… few number of intentional volunteers can out preform a bus load of unintentional volunteers. The same applies in hours of work as well… When there’s an intentional worker… working on the same project as an unintentional worker… things get done quicker and with better quality… for me this applies however… without rest and processing time the quality starts to diminish. I understood this at the temple and was able to get the six hours for four days having three days off… and I was able to find progress for work but also myself personally. I mean having only one day off I don’t even know if I could process anything… I mean I have to be relaxed to process and it might take an entire day to get relaxed enough to process. Yesterday I wanted to do more revising and deciphering of the notes from the meeting but I ended up finalizing designs from the caving event and so I was drawing on the iPad all day and messing with editing videos… I mean I was communicating with people from the event.. but I didn’t do the notes which I thought I should be doing… and even today I think I should be doing it as well….but also intuitively I knew I have things I want to process and I was able to find relaxation yesterday… and so now it’s the day of processing… after i get this information purged and out of my mind… I’ll be better ready to get back to deciphering notes and sending them to the communities for feedback and revision. So they have a schedule in the morning to meet, usually an hour to break before working for two hours together… we’ll take maybe a three hour break before we reconvene on what chore we are doing for the evening, then a gratitude circle before dinner we eat together sometimes…. Definitely if there’s a guest onsite. So… I’ve been able to find moments to myself on these breaks and they help… but I also found that there’s so many opportunities to have conversations and there’s such sweet and interesting people that I just want to spend as much time with them as possible… but I feel like my mind is flooding over with information for me to process… and because I’m excited a part of me is like wanting to go on this crazy rollercoaster but another part is saying slow down and process… and so right at this moment… I have to process when I’m alone with many many hours needed and most likely days. I arrived back at my dads late Tuesday… and had to babysit my cousin’s two year old and people were asking me if I want to hangout with them… and I just said no… I’ve been in social mode a lot lately… Thursday will be my first day alone… and damn it… I need this time… in fact… with what I want to get done at this time… I want to spend the whole weekend alone too… I mean it sounds good to me… in my head right now it seems like I’m placing a timeline on getting the things I have on my plate done soon… which would be nice because I feel like there’s more I want to put my energy into… but as a note taker I have this pressure that people from the event are waiting to see the notes… hehe… I’ve sent out rough drafts to two properties to revise and I haven’t seen any changes in the rough draft yet… hehe… it doesn’t seem like they’re not in a state of urgency…hehe… so why am I? I think because I want to work with these people I want to show them my professionalism… but I’m not sure if I’m able to show my values through flaming away… hehe… I guess I just need to release this perceived deadline I have in my head… I know I’ll find moments of inspiration and get a shit ton done… but be patient to have it come into my Reality when I’m ready… I also want to create storytelling artwork for this intention convention event… I’m enjoying doing this but I also felt this pressure yesterday when I was making the caving designs… I started to add tasks so I wanted to get this off my plate…and I feel like normally if I was doing this for myself… I’d enjoy exploring more with different ideas. I felt like I wanted to make sure I got their attention through the honeymoon phase, right… most likely a month after the event the excitement weens and I thought they wuoldn’t care to have artwork from the event anymore… but this stops being enjoyable for me and I want to remove this pressure. I thought making artwork will be building skills I’m wanting to build but I also thought it could be a way to make a little side cash too… but yeah… this is why I don’t usually like to make art for profit… I start to think what do they want instead of what do I want… I’m thinking they want something right now for the honeymoon phase…and I’d just rather not have a time limit and explore ideas and whenever it comes out it’ll come out and I can share it at that time regardless if they want to buy it. Ok… good… I’m feeling much better and more relaxed… I’ll get it done but I don’t have to get it done now… and getting it done now won’t be as quality as I would like to present. that happened to me when. Was laying the floor down… I was absent minded that day… it was hard for me to focus… Honestly I felt there was a bit of tension going on with team members and it was hard for me to not feel the tension… it was effecting my attention… I was cutting and measuring and wasn’t getting the results I wanted and so did it again… by the time I was getting into the groove it was time to put things away and leave… so again I felt like I was pressuring myself to just get it done… and in the middle of picking up I was like.. no… I’m not going to leave this undone… I want to finish it and I’ll walk back when I’m done… of course everyone was like no we’ll wait… and I’m like please don’t… I’m not afraid of walking alone… working alone… in fact in carpentry situations it’s really nice to be able to do this… I know they were being nice… but what I really wanted was to be alone with my own energy and just slow down and refocus… but they continued to clean up and so I’m sitting there debating whether i should recut the flooring because I wasn’t satisfied with its quality but the table saw was put up and things put away… should I just submit a half-assed submission? Yeah… I don’t see how I can do much carpentry work or any detailed focused work done in two hours… maybe if I’m in the middle of a project that I’ve been involved with for a period of time… but to come into a space with new heys and not understanding the direction of where things are leading… two hours won’t be the desired time for me. If I have to… I will but I’d like to show how much quality goes up with working in time needed to create quality… and after the rustiness wears off the speed of time will increase. Ok… I think I have processed enough to be able to address the romantic partnership I am wanting to process through… So what did I notice are areas of uncomfortableness that I found myself in? I noticed how uncomfortable I was with touch and watching displays of affection come so easily to most who were present. lol… in my mind touch has been a main love language that I crave in the past but it seems celibacy has removed my desire to touch or more like my hesitancy and limited my touch being nonchalant. I’m a hugger and I’ve found that hugging is still something I can do easily but I remember a time where I’ve stopped myself from hugging people. But yeah touch has been a way for me to express myself and I felt myself being uncomfortable touching… and I guess it again wasn’t in general touching.. it was touching my romantic interest when I saw my hesitancy and foreignness. And I mentioned that I was uncomfortable watching displays of affection which also makes me curious as to why? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is because I’ve lost the consistency of having touch as a part of my life that now it’s become odd? Again.. it seems like it really depends on my mindset whether I’m comfortable or not.. because I do not hesitate to touch or help someone and using touch to assist in the situation… not anything to think about because it becomes me and quite comfortable but what are the moments of touch that is standing out right now… it was the moment I was sitting on the couch… we were about to have our morning meeting Saturday morning before all the big meetings… we were waiting for one of the fam staff to finish up his breakfast to join us, but he was very engaged in the conversation and didn’t notice us waiting for him… but three of us were early and we were sitting on the couch… nothing odd there… my romantic interest came in and asked if there’s room for him to sit in between us as so the two girls moved over to give him space to join us on the couch. We were sitting like three ducks in a row and when he came in he wanted to be more in a lounging position… hehe.. so he was trying to get himself comfortable so he leaned on the girl who was next to me and so his posture was facing me and I felt myself wanting to relax and get comfortable but I felt a bit stiff and rigid. The girl and him have no reservations of touching one another affectionately and they seemed to have a bond where they were easily open to share affectionate… I’m not even sure what they were doing because of my stiffness I wasn’t even able to turn my head much because of my awkwardness…. Hehe… I glanced a bit and I think she was using her fingers to play with his hair and bit of a massage for him… and maybe she was only doing this with one hand because I saw his other hand was playing with her fingers in her other hand… and he placed his other hand on my knee and asked if I’m ok with him doing this… and I said yes, but then I started to watch how I was behaving in this moment. I didn’t really know what to do… hehe… I feel like I moved my hand out of the way and I eventually slowly placed my hand on top of his… it wasn’t in an affectionate way… it was as if I was a corpse that placed my hand on top of another and it was just laying there motionless… hehe… it’s funny because we haven’t really shared moments of affection before and my first opportunity was sitting on the couch the four of us and then there’s about twenty people sitting at the dining table eating their breakfast deep in conversations… so of course I’m glad that I’m getting the opportunity but again surprised by when and how it was unfolding… hehe… I’m a mess but I know I’m going to work through this but it’s funny to see things play out. We were chatting all of us together and we decided to go on with the meeting without the one at the table… he’s in the zone and I’m just trying to act like this is normal to be in this situation… but again I know through observation that this was an act of normalcy… .in reality I was in a moment of fear… not drastic degree or anything but I’m not sure what word to call it right now… it’s not fear but I was reluctant… I’m super happy we were all talking because it made me feel like this isn’t such a big deal and just fucking relax… and slowly I started to make some subtle movements with my fingers which he reciprocated back. I eventually had held his hand in between mine and was enjoying the slow movements of my fingers along his skin and my skin enjoying the touch not knowing where they’d be touch or how because it was a touch from someone other than myself. The sensation of my fingers sliding through his fingers again ever so slowly was very sensual to me however I was a bit distracted with all the moving parts and conversations that were surrounding the situation. I was sandwiched between two guys and I felt like I was holding myself back in a way because I thought and asked if I should be sharing this with both of them… but that was a fleeting thought because I didn’t want to do that.. I was enjoying but also wanting to get away at the same time…hehe… I was happy to get a chance, but this is not my ideal situation to exchange affection at this time. So I saw an opportunity to find the excuse to get up to help a guest in the kitchen and as I was getting up I was able to touch his calf and slide my fingers up his skin… ummm… I do want to touch all over him but with this setting and most likely because we haven’t had much quality time together… I’m not ready yet to openly explore this with him. Later I was thinking about how flexibly dexterous he was in between us… hehe.. I remembered how I enjoyed dancing and playing with couples where my hands and feet and body had all their own minds working together… I was chuckling how well he did splitting up the conversation in two manners… one was having a conversation with someone he’s built a relationship with and was at a state of comfortableness and affection… while his other conversation was with me… hehe.. first the stiff as a board silent treatment intro… to I’d like to try this… how does this work? To ok… yes I feel like there’s reciprocity and patience… to slow sensual sensations… which led to ok.. this is enough for now but I enjoyed my time and open for more. Yes… holy cow… I am open and ready to actually explore this… again… there’s a difference for me to prepare myself to be ready and then realizing when I’m actually ready… I’m literally starting to tear up right now… I cannot believe I’ve been able to get here… I’m ready to be open to a romantically intimate relationship. Holy shit… this is something I’ve wanted but I haven’t been allowing to experience. I had this expectation that if I was going to do this it was only going to be with a specific person from my visions… but there was not reciprocation… and I understand that I seem to in the past want to create buffer room to even attempt a romantic relationship… not at all times of my life, but yeah… buffer room seems to be the way I allow myself to even take steps forward. I think that’s the case with my romantically intimate interest too… I knew he was polyamorous and that he had a staple foundational partner established… and me hearing this I think I felt like this was the buffer space that I needed to be able to attempt… of course not the only reasons but I cannot explain but will attempt.. but once I started to tear up My body has gone stiff as a board… it’s like I’m holding my breath right now as if I’m searching through dark corners that I’m uncertain I want to reveal about myself. and I don’t know if I’m going to but I’m going to have to take a smoke break to relax at little because yes my body is acting strange… and even signs of being in a fear state… which again is obvious because this doesn’t happen anymore until right now and it’s happening… so I’m going to smoke real quick Alright… smoked, used the restroom, and helped my dad take some nets off his raspberry bushes… oh and took a look at the progress of his underground bunker/cellar… So it seems like I’m hitting a cord right now.. and earlier when I said it wasn’t fear it was reluctance. After being in my own space and witnessing my bodies reaction to this… it was a moment of fear and I’m going to continue but I think my pops wants me to go pick up a pizza… so I’m going to go ahead and allow myself some grace and time before I dive in again… so I’ll go ahead and post this and come back to it… until next time… enjoy

I think ppl so lack in Intensity of Experience that they will take what they get, whether it is immense Suffering or Grand Bliss, both are Intense Experiences, so since they can't create or find the Bliss they can easily find ways to Suffer so they choose that to feel some sort of Intensity in Life, it makes their hearts beat faster, that is my experience with ppl in life...

Here’s my summary of Bashar, Abraham. CwG, and ACIM - trust that all is working out for you, operate from Love, remmember that you are dreaming, do what you want every moment of every day, allow things to fall into place, create efortlessly, create with your state, live from the end goal, only do what you truly love, dont plan, dont think about the how, just enjoy the moment and the deeper you enjoy life the more miracles are reflected. You dont need to work to be wealthy, in fact, true wealth could only be considered existing in your life when it’s efortless and you don’t have to work, only play. These are the prompts I am getting - just chill, relax, trust, enjoy, play, love. It’s all a joke, a dream. I am the Son of God. Nowhere to go, just be here in bliss. Identity of being the dreamer is powerfulll.

It’s so motivating. You know you are dreaming and you decide to actually play the role of the dreamer in an adventurous way. becoming the main character in the dream you are dreaming and living from that POV always is sooo fun! And magical things start happening! Miracles are, indees, our inheritence. The One. Neo. 1. Repeat after me: I am literally dreaming right now. How did that feel? Soak in that knowing. It heals. 🕊️🕊️ creating a perfect body, being a god at sex, being wealthy, driving an amazing car, having a spectacular house, all of this is within reach for the Dreamer! His Happiness is Reflected out! Here’s my “dream” car: Her licence plate will be “Stealth”. what’s you’rs? dream house: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_qLW1zg25G/?igsh=MW90MjE5bGl3d3J4 Dreams are just symbolic expressions of our state and identity. Concocting a blissful yet functional and intelligent chemical coctail in the system is the secret to life. Chemicals literally get you enlightened if you are ready and did almost literally everything else to improve your life already. Shared my stack in another thread. It works. Feels amazing. Functional and happy. Sharp mind yet deep peace and bliss permiates. Enlightenment needs no sacrifice, it engulfs everything — your every desire — hedonistic and spiritual. That’s how dreams work. Fears are reflected too, of course, since your mind is so powerful a single thought, believed, can create a whole scenario you will live out. Ups. that’s the teaching of the story where the son stole his fathers heavenly horses and destroyed heaven. That’s the fear at high states - if I am not careful, I can literally delete the whole dream forever. Literally like when you wake up from a dream at night. It dissapears. Pooof. Forever. And a new level of existence now appeara. A grander one. A more magnificent experience. It could be described as “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.“ thusforth there is nothing to discuss above that state as it is beyond all symbols yet within experience. the question is - who wrote this message? If you answered you, then you are correct. It’s a part of your mind that is here to awaken you. But it’s still your dream. All else is a puppet. You are hallucinating others. You can stop that, but then the illusion dissapears, it can’t continie without others operating on their automatic programs, like chat-GPT robots. They rarely update their software, at the highest level you do feel like no one is worthy except you. Of course. You are the Creator. I guess. 😁😁😁

Nonsense. In any time of Unity Bliss oneness dimension or however you want to call It, i never had a thought saying "I want to feel ego again". You say the same crap Mr Bazzoka Guy used to say 🥴🥴 The audacity... You think this is Mario Kart and God just design his own videogame and gets Lost because It wants it. Child-like thinking.

An ameba is a certain Potential, You/Humans are a certain Potential...This Earth is a certain Potential, other Earth like places or non Earth like places are a Potential... One believing in the God of the Bible is a certain Potential, Non Dualism is another.. Depression/Anxiety/Bitterness are certain Potentials, Happiness/Bliss/Ecstasy are others, the key to it all when dealing with Human Experience (we the most Capability in this area) if Your ability to exert Free Will, the Ability to Respond Consciously (You choose how to Experience), if You deny this then You will live by Accident (non Enlightenment), if You embrace it You live by Choice (Enlightenment)...