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I would like to share the physical symptoms I had a year and a half ago during the period I had total shift in my consciousness and realization. I'm sharing this because I was somehow confused when these symptoms first happen, but let please not fall into the illusion of having these symptoms if you haven't encountered any, we all naturally has a tendency to imagine when we read about any symptoms. just be conscious about what you read here and be honest with yourself about what you feel. Some of my symptoms are referred from Stewart Wilde Audio book (Journey Beyond Enlightenment), Adyashanti talks, and few websites/articles here and there, and I was able to refer to it within my personal experience. Please don't exactly believe what I'm writing here, keep in mind that some of these symptoms can be serious physical illness or deficiencies. This DOESN'T mean not to check the doctor! 1 - Twitches all over the body, Especially around the lower leg, At first I thought I might be having signs of ALS or Parkinson disease, I went to check several doctors, and they diagnosed it as stress.. that was nearly one and a half years ago, well if there was anything serious I think I should be on a wheel chair by now. 2 - Subtle numbness/tingling all over, it feels like little stars dancing around my body, especially around in my head and skull, although accompanied with comfort, they did not feel like serious illness or damage. I asked two doctors, one asked me if I took any drugs, I said no, later on they both diagnosed it as stress, although I was so far from being stressed (at least I think). 3 - Energetic electric shocks while trying to sleep: Sleeping patterns totally been messed up, I don’t feel that I need to sleep whenever I want to sleep, there is some energy that keeps waking me up each time I try to sleep. I couldn’t force myself to sleep, I was more energetic for doing something I have been wishing to do during my day, when I talked to a doctor, he stated these were not seizures, but stress, he asked me, “you look like an ambitious guy, but are you really doing what you really love during your day?” I couldn’t disagree. 4 – Transparent shiny colorful noise all over my vision: Accompanied with relief and bliss whenever I shift my attention to them, it’s a flickering transparent overlay layer that feels like coming from somewhere behind my eyes. And sometimes they take geometrical shapes if I focus in some ways, I had these since I was an innocent kid, but they faded away as I grew up, and now they are coming back even stronger along with my gradual awakening, I never knew if these are eye glitches or spiritual receptivity, I’m just aware that they become stronger in days where I feel relaxed, humble, surrendered, and I’m not so identified as the Mind or the Body. 5 – Clicking Sound around my head and neck: It could be nothing but some internal gas vesting or body liquids pumping , I'm noticing I'm have lots of these lately and this grabbed my attention because Stewart Wilde mentioned it in his -good but a little fairy talish- audio book (Journey beyond Enlightenment), and he described it as a Floppy Disk formatting noise, he said it’s divine information receptivity! I don’t want to believe, but I wanted to leave it open for speculation. 6 – Strong Sense of Distinction A strong sense of contrast between the physical happening and inner timeless silence, and a sense that what is happening here is way different that what is happening there. One feels like I’m in a 3D software, and the other is, just a realized nothingness, they are completely two different realms. the contrast becomes stronger when I walk, visit new places or do exciting physical actions with some inner attention. Again please don’t take these for granted, I think everybody’s experience is different, Stewart Wilde (and also Adyashanti) talked about many other symptoms that I did not experience myself. Now Tell us about your experiences, and what do you think!

waking up at 7 am, drink water taking cold shower drinking green tea and stretching affirmations for 5 minutes and meditation for 20 minutes journaling breakfast Gym/walking (with preworkout coffee) Reading Watching Leos videos(at least one) and summarizing them and act upon them visualisation for 10 minutes learning spanish 20 minutes meditating again for 20 minutes affirmations again for 5 minutes The more I think about the universe and the mind and the more I exopse myself to various self help material I really think that I got it all. I got it all, all that it takes to rise and become a huge success. It's all inside of me. Not even in me, I am it. I am the pure awesomeness, the indestructible genius of the universe. I could easily make use of my infite power and become the king of the world...if I knew how. I know that I got it all,but I feel like I'm sleeping. I somehow cannot activate the power yet...I cannot go to action. I feel like this power is already in my hands, it's not even hidden or locked, it just is there, ready to be commanded. But I don't know how, because I'm still asleep. If I knew how to wake up and finally make use of this power that I have, everything would be different. I feel it inside of me so strong...so wild and raging, it want's to break out. Sometimes I feel the vibrations inside of me...in my body...or my soul. Sometimes this power is so vivid that I am afraid it will burst my body into pieces and just explode into freedom. Infinite power of the universe...of god, inside of me. And I am still asleep..what do I have to do to wake up and use the power? Tell me Universe, tell me stranger, what do I have to do? I'm a fucking blind snake crawling around the infinite power but I got no hands to grab it. If you want amazing results, you need to concentrate. Directed, accurate thinking towards ONE field that you wanna succeed at. No multi tasking here. One at a time...What do you desire the most? For me, there are 4 fields: Relationship: I love loving a woman and being loved, and I also love Sex. I really want a amazing girlfriend who I can share my adventure with and also to have the most valuable teammate a man can have. A woman can make or break a man. No one else but his woman can help a man achieve highs that he would never achieve by any other means. The mans best friend is really his woman. Health and Fitness: Really your body and your mind are the only two things you can bring on the table in any area of your life. And your body and mind are VERY VERY important to succeed in anything and to function on a high level. Without superior health you cannot do anything good for yourself or the world. Physical fitness and meditation and healthy foods are the most vital parts here. Money and Business: Without money, you cannot go far in live. In fact without money you have a hard time staying healthy, getting amazing experiences, living a good or at least decent life or even working on a good relationship. Money buys you freedom in our society. Money buys everything. You can live in any place of the world you want...but only if you have the money. Enlightenment: Is it really worth it? What will it bring? The end of all suffering? The mind blowing, ultimate truth? They say it's the highest achievement...even Leo is obsessed with it. Eternal peace, ultimate bliss? Or just a shallow realization...Who knows...it's the ultimate mystery. So there they are, the four major fields that I want to work on! All pretty damn important fields, and all need MASSIVE work in order to succeed. But I can and should concentrate on only one of them. One at a time...Which one is first to go? The most important? Oh I think I know what's most important for me...but what is it for you? If you cannot concentrate on one of them and master it then you will fail and getting them all. "As long as you long for the whole, you can't get a part of at all..."

It is as much "mine" as everything is me. I only said "mine" within the knowing that it's me who keeps going on with it. There were more people in the beginning asking it,but they quickly withdrew from Forum to enjoy their nothingness in bliss I of course got it from my Guru, My father, Moojiji who has completely undone the person and left the me open, spacious and free

You got hundreds of "mental walls", you gotta break through those barriers to free yourself.... All too often you find your life purpose by doing things that you really don't wanna do. For example, for years I wanted to be a writer... but I don't like to write very much, I don't have to much creativity, I don't have much imagination...I couldn't write a story to save my life... but recently I have been sitting there and break through my "writer's block" by doing writing exercises after exercises and it has opened my mind and writing skills tremendously. I am at a point right now, where I still don't like writing that much but when I am writing I get these tastes of heaven and become so full of passion and energy. I am here to tell you that you have "Life's Blocks", Sooo you have to blast right through them. If you are tough and persistent enough to do this you too can feel moments of of bliss that will gradually intensify and increase.

Pwahahahaha Actually, the bliss of enlightenment does feel like an orgasm (not necessarily physically). I call those moments "too much joy" - just imagine having a 3 days orgasm (or one week or permanent) ? Only this last phrase right here could give you enough motivation to "get into the enlightenment business" lol

@Ayla Is there a feeling of gratitude or bliss?

I really have to agree here. I've experienced no-self, no-freewill, utter bliss, and emptiness. However, I keep coming back "here" (physical). No matter how much I'd like to get back to "there" (consciousness) I realize that "there" is not going to be a permanent state, at least not in this lifetime for me. Even the gurus live "here." So the concept of non-duality doesn't get me closer to transcendence. Understanding that no-self (consciousness) exists is essential, but the existence of no-self does not preclude the existence of self (physical). Self and no-self both exist and both are a part of this insane universe. Determinism and freewill also both exist, at the same time. Nothing and Something both exist together too. This is the real mind fuck. And it makes total sense, based on our every day experience and our experiences toward enlightenment. I don't think there's a grand conspiracy in the universe to trick us into believing in a self that doesn't really exist. Who would be playing this trick? The self both exists and doesn't exist and both states are equally valid. This concept is so simple and empirical to me. I don't understand why very few others view it this way. Is anybody else on the same track with me here? If we could just get past this simple idea about self vs. no-self and something vs. nothing and just accept that they both exist together, we could get to the really interesting questions, like what the hell is all this for? That's the really big leap, IMHO.

I "work" very hard to simply quiet my energy, emotions, body and mind. To merely create space between the observer and the ego. Yet this has been tremendously difficult and rewarding at the same time. While meditating my energy is pushing my body to move and I become restless. My body wants to move it develops aches, then thirst and hunger. Then fear and love and other emotions are felt. All the while I am trying to create conditions so I can observe the ego. For me this can be intensive work. Have you seen the timetable for a vipassana meditation retreat? This is only a beginner course yet I barely have the stability to try to accomplish that. I apologise if I make assumptions in regards to your mental health, as I am basing this on assumptions. However once you start down this path without guidance, the intensity needed can be overwhelming. Have you seen people "catch the Holy Spirit" in church? When a touch on the head can send people into convulsions. This is actually a step towards enlightenment, but they lack the physical and emotional discipline needed. The intensity of energy is there but the other conditions for enlightenment are not. So they talk of the bliss, but lack the discipline needed to harness that energy to create the conditions that enlightenment may occur. If you have a desire, but lack guidance then look at a vipassana retreat. Build your practice to the point where that looks workable. I am on that path, but I am taking my time and smelling the roses on the the way.

Good topic :). MJ is like a pure bliss without need for having experience of transcendence but overdosed, it certainly affects functions of mind: concentration and memory for example. 2) Awareness can't get higher/lower. There is experience happening in consciousness. If i get high after staying sober for longer period of time, I sometimes suddenly bump into some synthetic thought-processes or original perspectives or any interesting work of imagination but that's it. These are heightened experiences in awareness. Perhaps it could be useful to keep one's mind in more still and relaxed manner during meditation, but on the other hand - you become then substance-depended and that's the dead end. Personally, I treat it just like occasional zone-out without "doing"meditation

<--[02-22-16]--> Do you MIND? I was walking from the college back home while listening to an mp3 lecture about enlightenment when the lecturer suddenly said to stop and take a look out my surroundings. Take an empty perspective to it. (I don't really remember the exact wording, I'm paraphrasing) Notice how everything that is going on is there. He started talking as if the people he were speaking to were all enlightened. After a while, I started to feel a subtle sense that I am not my mind. This is something I have not yet felt before during my spiritual journey. Pretty much everything I did with enlightenment before that involved the mind in some way. I used to try to notice my vision, for example, and have a thought, "I am what I see". I am only now realizing that even that is a process of the mind, it is not spiritual experience. Now, it was definitely not an enlightenment experience but, it was oddly peaceful. It was not pure bliss, but it was more like seeing everything with a carpet of "neutral being" everywhere. My favorite part was when the lecturer said, "Notice the mind losing its power". I liked that line a lot because it pretty much described what "I" was thinking of at the moment. It lasted like that for the entire time I walked home. And if you're curious, this was the video I converted to an mp3:

Mentors, icons come and go, they are like vessels through which intelligence / inspiration / consciousness / whatever You call it comes out and that stream of bliss remains seemingly the same, even though the sources are changing throughout the time. - That's basically what I've observed as my life goes on. Dou You like peanut butter? I'm serious

In a way you can consider a philosopher a jnani-yogi. A jnani-yogi uses the methods of the intellect to achieve knowledge about the deeper aspects of surpreme reality. This he does by the neti, neti way what means not this, not that... Finally you end up with nothing, the thinking stops, the consciousness went back to the lila-point, back in itself. With the right intentions in the heart the consciousness transcends from there and knowledge will flow. The yogi knows that, he`s looking for that. But when one does that out of just a odd wanting of relative knowledge as the philosopher does, he can end up there as well, comparable with the `dark night of the soul`. He will not have the right intentions and coming out of it is eventually only granted by bliss or good luck if you want. Not able to get out you will become insane. Nietszche is a famous example, God was really dead for him... On the other hand the famous Schopenhauer always said he was saved by the knowledge of the Upanishads, thus saved by his heart.

I kind of figured out a plan. I got out of my depression of yesterday evening. For one or two years now I've been having a vision of my dream life: I want to live somewhere in nature, on a relatively big property where I will grow all the food on my own. I am living there with a few very close and like-minded friends. We all are on our spiritual path and work together in harmony in the garden. We are physically very active from the work in the garden and also play around e.g. on a slack line or gymnastic rings. Then somewhen I will be enlightened, love everybody / everything, am connected to everything, am totally mindful and constantly in a state of bliss. On the property is a little cabin / house where we live in. It is very minimalistic but we have everything we need. I sleep on the floor, use only natural products and am super healthy. Through fasting I cleaned my body so much. I eat only the self grown food and sprouts, so I am raw vegan. This would be my plan A. I have no idea yet how I will realise it. Firstly I need to find those like-minded friends. Then I/we need money for the property. And afterwords there is still a money problem. I still need assurances and stuff like that. And if I don't work normally, what's about retirement when I am old? The plan B would be having a job, maybe part time. And my free time I spend outside in nature. Then I looked at these 'Kick Ass Goals' for the self-actualized life from Leo. Here they are unfiltered: no worry about money work is play, greatest joy developing full emotional control and being emotionally grounded deep understanding of how the world works successful intimate relationship and amazing sex confidence, deep self love travel, hobbies physical vitality, energy rewarding and inspiring friendships leader of others, being a role model and inspiring others being creative and advancing humanity breaking free of the 9 to 5 jobs, of the pupculture living in integrity, with principles enlightenment having time to contemplate life and savour the beauty dying with a smile on my face But I have to filter them firstly because I cannot do everything of it now. What I can do not is: This is inner work stuff which I think I can work on through a self love / confidence growing habit. I still have to research a bit about emotions developing full emotional control and being emotionally grounded confidence, deep self love Learning stuff deep understanding of how the world works This will be hard for myself. At the moment I have just one good friendship. The others are just people in school which I like a bit, because they are different from the mass. To communicate with them I have to play a bit. Almost everybody in school is in a negative mood, they don't want to be in school and hate learning... I have to play like I think in the same way. Then I talk with them about school stuff, mostly in a negative way. I have to look outside of school for friends. But that is so far out of my comfort zone. rewarding and inspiring friendships I am pretty good at this goal. I have a relatively healthy diet and exercise regularly. physical vitality, energy being creative and advancing humanity living in integrity, with principles I could do a lot of enlightenment work and meditate. But somehow I don't want to meditate so long. I rather want to surf on the internet. enlightenment having time to contemplate life and savour the beauty I'll work on figuring out this plan later today. Now I will go running outside in the rain. I just need fresh air.

Untruth-Unrealization sounds like an accurate descriptor. It would make sense that someone who had an enlightenment "experience" might have this issue with attachments to illusion coming back. With my experiences, they were intensely blissful so there were probably a lot of things that I missed as I was primarily focused on the bliss. It was primarily an emotional experience, so there was little exploration of there being "no me" it was more of a feeling of "no me." It was like dying and going to heaven, without actually dying. So, there were many illusory beliefs that bubbled up to the surface because they were no longer needed to build up and protect my ego, but the belief of there being a separate self didn't directly brandish itself. This lost in bliss phenomenon was probably compounded by the fact that my experience was catalyzed by Ayahuasca, so the body high and hallucinations were probably major distractions too. Maybe it was sort of like waking up from the dream but still having ties to the illusion from the waking state.

Oh my yes, I do enjoy my very much. I have a wife and child that I live for each day. I enjoy each moment. Even now I am listening to that nice song posted above and drinking a warm cup of coffee with some cookies that I baked. My heart is in alignment with the beating of the song. I am most greatfull of being able to create moments of pure bliss almost at will.

Name: Ray Age: 19 Gender: Male Location: Milan, Italy Occupation: Student, media studies Martial Status: Single Kids: 7 ahah (nope). Hobbies: Personal development, meditation, pick up, watch quality movies, stand up comedy, improve my organisation system, improve my diet, video games. September 2015, I turn 18 and I still never had a relationship with a girl... around the begging of October finally I meet and start a sex friend relationship. She is particular: it's the first person that I truly believe is mature (but I still believe I'm more mature ahah) and she have a particular prospective on life, which is based on a concept called "enlightenment". I value truth and I love speaking about important idea and concepts so I continue to argue with her about enlightenment and while I try to demonstrate that it's a stupid idea I slowly begin to realise that maybe I'm the one who have a false prospective on life. Meanwhile, always for the "relationship" I research technique and stuff for improve the sex life and I stumble on Leo's channel, and I immediately think he's a great and truly mature guy and because of my new interest on enlightenment/spirituality and the discover of a profound interest on psychology and personal development, I start to meditate 15 min every day. From then I started to watch more and more of leo's videos and practicing technique, and now it's been more than 1 year that I'm following him. And I'm so grateful to have made this choice. In synthesis: for improving sex life, then for cool ideas/quality of channel related with my passion, and then even for spiritual material. Personal challenges that I've overcome: - a powerful procrastination that lead me to never follow on school (even if I was really interested, I was just lazy). - being and feeling as "the loser". - being more confident with girls: I've had multiple "relationships" since then (still not a true one ahah), but I feel I can attract almost every girl that I want. - Not having a clear prospective in life (HUGE ONE): I was religious (childhood) and then atheist (teenage-early adulthood) and I now I finally have a prospective that I sincerely consider valuable, that I accept and love, which is "actualising" (personal development & enlightenment... a belief &"non belief" -which is a non belief ahah-). - Facing my parents, express what I truly feel and believe. I let my father convince me to change university when I was loving what I was studying for learning economy in another university... but I've change again university and now I'm "following my bliss" - And in general being so much more confident, more authentic and more independent of the opinion of the others. I'm not anymore the "loser", I'm neither "the cool guy", I just try to be myself and -amazingly- it works! - Learned to make positive affirmations, visualisations, death contemplation, and from january 2015 I now meditate 1 hours every day! What I'm working on now: - Finding my Life Purpose (through leo's life purpose course; and I'm facing soo much resistance). Understand if my passion is cinema or personal development or an harmony between those 2 or something else (or cabin on the woods -cabin on the woods it's always a choice ahah, and we now that we are all gonna end up like this ahah-). - Getting better with girls. - Improve my organisation system, in particular my daily-weekly-mothy-yearly plan, and my morning routine - Working on enlightenment. Learning not just meditation but even mindfulness. - Improving my diet. - Remove other bad habits and create new one. - Finding other "actualised" persons who I can have a sincere good relationship - Study for my university (at the end of the list ahah) Thank you too much Leo; and thanks you too reader, and every other person on this forum: I feel good when I'm here

The only issue is that you are approaching this from the mind: mind is trying to be "all one", it is trying to "be in bliss", "heart open" "to understand", "to experience", "how much I have to talk about" "how close I'm/you're getting"- it has a whole check-list of things that would be ticked off if "I" or "others" were awake. You, the beingness manifesting as "I am this person" and the activity of mind created/learnt all these ideas you have about yourself and others, and is trying to impersonate who you think you understood you are This is not the freedom you are looking for.

@werlight I personally find less and less to talk about lately.. words anyway, have less and less value in what still needs to be expressed here. I am that in which thoughts arise and fall, and do not chase after anything in the world to reveal to me That who I AM. I simply AM, and everything else is expressing somehow "in front" of ME, thus all the interest in trying to GET somewhere in order to find something, that has mercifully left me I am not looking around to solve any mystery any longer You may call THAT one, bliss... or not.

All those things... are not inside or outside of you. THEY ARE YOU! You ARE THEM! As for the bliss you are describing, you might call it like that, or better yet call it nothing at all. Sounds more true to me like that

I envy the fool, people that accept the societies rules , abide them and worst of all , defend them.Fools who believe that things don't change. But things DO change its just they don't want to change , because change is hard and we love our little routines , comfort. I wish I was them , because ignorance is bliss.This waking up is hard ,painful.You dont belong anywhere , you are just a looney toon that watched one episode of X-files to many and we are "special" at best.Just some guy that girls find fascinating and interesting until they find out that ideals don't pay the bills. So we all stumble. Them with their drained souls , empty eyes and postpound dreams and us. Afraid ,alone , disconnected and afraid for our futures. I can't stand a job.I'd rather hang myself than spend another minute in an office.I'm just having a break and everybody is just staring at their smartphones ,just occasionally throwing a look at me as I write this , like "this guy is crazy , what is he writing? Why isn't he looking at his phone! We just no longer accept any other type of normal then the one media present us. But my normal is not their normal , they dont understand me , but I understand them , I use to be them! I still am , because its not us and them its just US ,them is a concept created by politicians to divide us and easily conquered us. The thing is ,I want to see the sun go up , I want to dance in the rain and experience it ,I want to travel and share that with someone .I want to love! The real love , where I don't belong to her and she doesn't belong to me , but we are free together.And I want to write about it as I experience it , I want to inspire others to wake up , but not like I did ,or the others like me. I experienced the pain and that's why I don't want anybody to experience it , I want others to wake up in a beautiful world made by You and me. The outcasts , the dreamers , the believers. i can't change the world ,I can only change myself and make decisions that could set other people on a different path , better path.So that's what I'm going to do.Im gonna write! 10 years of people telling me that they would read if I would write."But there is no money in it" I was telling to myself , actually being more afraid of "what if people don´t like it" so I never did. But tell you what! F*ck the money! I want this , I´m gona do this!! So...here comes nothing,... or maybe... just maybe , here comes everything. What ever the resoult , at least I´m no longer , as Leo puts it "mentally jerking" , I´m doing this. So wish me luck ,as I wish you luck as well in Your endeavors and to anybody who read this till the end , you might agree , you might not , but thank you for reading! Best regards / Mit Freundlichen Grüßen / Srdačan pozdrav from: Leipzig , Germany 20.02.2016 Daniel

I love this question because I think you're asking about taking enlightenment beyond simply dissolution of the self, to an active connection with a higher form of consciousness beyond ourselves. My enlightenment experiences have been different from what others sometimes experience (I personally feel there is room for many different types of enlightenment experiences). Not only have I transcended a part of myself, but I've also been physically guided to objects I was seeking when I had no prior knowledge of their whereabouts or if they even existed. In one experience, after spending days alone in the desert, I finally gave up myself and was simply an instrument of supreme consciousness, which guided me in the most counterintuitive way to discover native artifacts I so desperately desired to find. The feeling of being in this state was complete bliss and I wished for it to never end, but of course it did. Only an omnipotent entity could have guided me beyond my senses to such a discovery. This obviously sounds nuts to anyone who has never had this type of experience, but to me it is rock solid truth. Enlightenment is connection to supreme consciousness.

Dear Matt, I'm Mendy from The Netherlands, Europe. About 10 years ago, my life was completely ruined by a car accident. I lost everything: my job/carrier, my boyfriend (left me), my friends (so called), my health (was in a hospital for 3 months, doctors said it would never heal) , my thoughts (I went nuts), I was in complete shock. I once could relate to your desire to be who you were before. You can not be who you were, every again. And that is a good thing... Here's why: You are in the perfect situation to allow Happiness into your life. The biggest lesson I've learned: Happiness doesn't need better conditions. Let your current state of being be a blessing. Feel the bliss in the fact that you are alive to see another day. Happiness doesn't care about your ankle or your house. Sure you can work towards a better situation... Ok, here were some words from the other side of the world, isn't that amazing? I'm in awe every day, not taking anything for granted. Celebrate your life, it is worth living! Look at the possibilities, rather then the deal breakers. Be grateful, soft and loving towards yourself and your life. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. You will see the best thing to do in NO time. Wish you the best, Mendy

I remember two years ago in college after a chemistry exam. I was very tired and happy to have almost aced the test. I went to go sit down on the bench inside our student building (CUB) and I thought about all the mental anguish it took to achieve that goal. All the self-doubt and relentless studying, which was very painful mentally. The only kind of pain that affects me, I have strong physical pain tolerance, I do not take drugs for injuries. When I tried to think of the pain as bad, and the results as good. I felt how crazy it was to think either feelings as bad. How could they be? I got lost with this feeling of joy that the mental pain ( something I despise) was actually something beautiful. Mental pain as joy? I felt crazy, the thought was crazy and the feeling so good. How could it be, it just was. I started laughing uncontrollable when I realized that my thoughts were crazy, and if mine was everyone's was. I ran around campus in a state of bliss telling anyone who walked by that they were crazy. I was being completely honest and I thought their weird looks made them lovable idiots. When I finally stopped running I thought about all the lies we say, anything good or bad with thoughts was pure and utter craziness. Then I found a brick, I could not take my eyes off it. It was amazing, the brick was alive and pure. It unlike all the lovable idiots around me would never lie to me. I felt that, Soak in that crazy thought, I was at peace with crazy and it made perfect sense since it wasn't lying to me. I felt connected like none other, things got even more full when I realized it was all the brinks. All of them were honest friends, and their were so many. I wanted to take them with me, I couldn't but I wanted to fill myself with these bricks and all their wonderful glory. Something strange happened next and I am going to do my best to explain it. I realized these feeling of energy was coming from the grass as well. I ran over to the grass and realized this energy was everywhere. It was the most real feeling ive ever had, and I wanted to define it. I wanted to kill it and bottle it, so I went back to brick to *kill* it and realized almost instantly that that was just another crazy thoughts. it confirmed the crazy, which was hilarious. This brick was dead already yet life poured out of it without stopping. I couldn't kill it so I ran around tried to find where it WASN't. I ran around the chemistry building looking and feeling every hallway and room. It was everywhere, boundless..even radiating off of myself and other people. The definition of everywhere. I was not trying to be enlightened or happy, I just recognized the craziness of my thoughts. It was so peaceful and I could not stop laughing or telling people they were crazy. Lets chalk this off to a bit of after-exam mania, heres what I cant chalk off. That THING, in everything. I was not looking for it. The definition of not looking for it, i didn't know it existed. Yet I found it clear as day in everything, that energy in everything. I told myself how could it not be real? I found something I wasn't looking for. It felt like the only thing that wasn't crazy and that it would never lie to me. Very interesting mental state that I had for several weeks. If thats it Leo, I've been there. I didn't kill my ego either, thoughts were just crazy of any kind. I can excuse mania, but I can't excuse that thing that just appeared in every molecule around me. That brink was beaming with it, and more real than my crazy thoughts. What the hell is that thing that I cant kill or find parameters for, i felt it inside me and everywhere. I couldn't kill it or myself, and crazy enough that dead brink was more alive than i ever thought. I'll accept mania, but that thing was very real whatever it was.

Animals live functional lives without brains full of bullshit concepts. Humans have egos, language, long-term memory and the ability to put these things together to form abstract conceptualisations that make our lives more complicated than they need to be and with more suffering thrown on top. It seems to me that animals live life with far less suffering that we do. I envy my pet rabbit that lounges around in the living room all day with complete bliss and ignorance, looking as relaxed and laid-back as I would like to feel! I often look at her and wonder what thoughts are occuring in that tiny brain. Certainly looks a lot more peaceful than most people do..

I'm breaking this into parts please feel free to skip down to the part titled problems meditating. It's where I ask my question the rest is here for reference. The story: I was dating this guy for two years (I'm 20 now he is two years older and it was both our first relationship) we were very close and I considered him my best friend. I felt this simple bliss being around him. Our relationship wasn't based around sex though we both enjoyed being together from time to time, conversations were never forced, It was simple and comfortable. But the last 4 months something changed, I think he started going through a very deep self reflection where nothing in his life was good enough, he started getting stressed about things that seemed so trivial, he said he felt depressed, he convinced himself if he left his current life things would be better. I did all I could do to be available for him with how he was feeling, encouraging him to follow the things he felt passionate about, eventually he was insisting our relationship was inevitable, and that he had no plans to marry me in 4 years, I was shocked I feel too young to be thinking about marriage, and I still don't understand why he felt this ball and chain pressure he seemed to be making up, he told me that he didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. I broke down I was so sad. He started to get angry and nag me subtly about certain things that I felt he had no right to judge me about. One given example was that I moved away from my mother she lives in Canada and I moved back to Florida he told me several times that I ought to go back because it would be better for my future, I was finishing up high school for one year in Florida, with college bound plans in the state. I had finished high school and lived with my dad, doing under the table nannying jobs when I got out. He decided he was going to leave for a branch in the military he said this was the reason for the break up. I cried a lot, the sad part wasn't losing a lover but it was losing a friend, losing that connection with a person, but it felt like the wires were cut rather than a natural fallout. It's been 7 months since this happened but he is still around and hasn't left yet. Journey to accepting: My introspection, I snapped more in those last few months than I ever have in my life. I've never gotten mad like that my entire life. started feeling down, thinking maybe he was right and I was worthless, I became a little more neurotic. ( really enjoyed that video from Leo, it has helped a lot with learning to accept emotions as well as helped me to understand them more.) My anger was not directed at him as much as it was directed at myself. I did self inquiry after a bad fight and realized that the only reason the things he said upset me were because of my ego, I accepted everything as they were, and as opinions. The next time these topics came up I let them pass and for whatever reason this made him more upset and distant until the end came. My feelings: I feel the only reason he wants to leave is to find a "better life." But no matter how far a person goes no matter how far they travel they will always be themselves. I feel like shouting at him saying what about your passion in life? Why don't you put your energy toward that? Dreams don't have to be futile don't just settle for an easy route! At the end of the day I don't want him back in my life so much as I don't want him not in my life.( I'm a good friend of his family I actually met him though his sister and her and I still see each other but when I'm at there house he acts super awkward) It feels weird and awkward but I'm not the awkward one. I just sit in there house like always not minding him but I can feel this sense of avoidance it's weird like magnets. We always end up going to the kitchen at the same time but instead of just doing whatever he waits for me to leave. I was almost laughing when it happened just out of the pure immature awkwardness I felt at that moment. I get asked out by other men, and I've dated other guys but it doesn't ever lead to anything more. I don't even want a relationship maybe that's the problem, I could careless if I'm romantic with someone I just want that deeper connection lots of guys who have the balls to ask you out want to just get laid. I miss that connection I had with him and it's like I can feel it's still there but instead he rejects those feelings and avoids speaking with me. I wouldn't take it so personally if he went and pursued his dreams, but instead he wants to take the path of least resistance? (Not that it's easy to get into the military, but he talked so passionately about becoming chef and traveling to study instead he wants to get a government job and be "taken care of" the rest of his life.) The problem meditating: On a deep level I accept everything that's happened and I know if someone doesn't want me in there life that is fine, but rejection is a hard thing for the ego, every once in a while the thought of the guy eats me up I start thinking well I'm better anyway I don't need him and I reflect on these thoughts. It's something I'm trying to let go of but thoughts pop up now and again when I meditate, it's weird I don't have a romantic inclination with the thoughts but I guess I either feel like I'm better than him or I feel that strong sense of rejection like why would someone reject me? Or I really must be a terrible person for someon to just drop me from there life. It makes meditation hard some mornings it's all my mind is fixated on. I feel it holds me back and other days he doesn't even cross my mind. I accept him as a person who has there own life separate from me, but I just don't understand how someone can act like I don't exist. And with meditation and trying to learn of the truths in life it makes it hard to see myself as anything other than this entity. My mind is fixated on me being this tangible thing giving excuses like well you are you, a person loved you and felt you, and you obviously are this being sitting here feeling all of these things. you are conscious because you are not dead you are you. i have this separation between my thoughts and my body and spirit during meditation. like a tree spit straight through the middle but my roots are still connected and strong. Like I can look down at my body sometimes detached from it but at the same time my thoughts are floating some where else, and I'm observing it from above? Not quite above from all sides. It's quite strange I just sit and observe this happening. But what brings me rushing back are these thoughts of rejection and love. I feel I have two sets of opinions I feel life is life it's as it should be and I'm detached but attached to life with no sense of "me" and I get a sense of I am a person worthy and unworthy of love where I have a strong sense of self. How does one get away from these thoughts? I feel they are trivial but I still have them.