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100 ... just kidding 27, I'm glad of the chance to share this journey with younger and older mates after all if we are nothingness age as no real meaning but we can learn from different experiences each other.

I "think" .. this is the great danger about conceptualizing nothingness/awareness/oneness whatever you wanna call it. We create models aka this and that is like a gate/ how can the gate open/ what is the gate made of/ who designed the gate/ what color is the gate of? you can start to ask all kinds of meaningless questions you see? and treat those mental images like actual facts... but what we actually!! ACTUALLY DO while we try to "get" what is, we instead get lost in a thought! mental masturbation! what you did as a child was not conceptionalizing! you didn´t create the thought of a gate opening and then it happend ... it just happend because you didn´t think at all and you just were presend and then "after the fact" you added that concept of a gate to it ...forget about that gate in a literal sense, it is a nice metaphor but useless for reaching a feeling of oneness!

<05-01-16> I'm Sick of Life (but I still don't want to give up) I have to be brutally honest here. I just finished not only watching Leo's new episode but really getting into the meditative state Leo asked us to be in for the guidance session and I came out of it feeling very angry, very miserable, and very very frustrated. You should probably tell that I did not get the experience that I wanted to have yet I felt like I should. I really felt failure deep in my experience. Again, I want to be brutally honest despite how I want to feel or how you think (yes you, the reader) I should feel. I felt like punching something, it was genuine frustration. And I felt hatred. . . . at nothing. Not hatred towards nothingness, I mean I just felt hatred towards nothing in particular, not even myself. I just 'felt' hatred, it was both a very weird and uncomfortable experience. Then I got the usual feelings of dissatisfaction and loath towards the life I experience in general but stronger. I'm sick of life and I don't want to tell anyone, except online. It feels like all the suffering I've experienced through life in my memory all cropped up at one time and I just feel hatred towards all of it. Society has screwed over my life and for a very long time, it seems I haven't had the awareness to admit it to myself and now I do. It should be shameful how stupid and ignorant modern society is and just how easier life would be if everyone was more aware than they are now. But, I still feel like I should keep pushing through regardless. Notice that despite how I feel, I haven't mentioned feelings of doubt, hesitation, or quitting despite my angst. It's almost like my emotions aren't dictating my actions and they are completely separate. I have this intuition, just a gut feeling, that I need to keep advancing regardless simply because I have no other options. I want to examine those other options very closely: Give up - That feels impossible for me psychologically. I've crossed a point-of-no return not only with enlightenment work but with personal development as a whole. Kill myself - I literally have no reason to do this. I'm not even anywhere near considering it. Run Away and Find a New Life By Myself - And how am I supposed to do this? It's simply unstrategic. And you know what, I had to try to come up with those other options and I think the last one was forced. Keep moving forward and persisting is the only thing I know. It's almost depressing to me that this is the only thing I know to do when dealing with failure. It's like I have no control or choice whether I should keep moving forward. I JUST DO IT. I don't even want to mention anything about my ego right now because I don't want to write an entire novel in just one entry.

So in my head.. if my daughter is a thought... she doesn't exist... my world view I guess.. If Michael is a thought.. I don't exist.. if fred or victor is a thought or a computer screen is thought... Everything around me.. does not exist..nor do I All that left is "nothing" when my mind is silent.. so everything must be nothing. =( This is my new and current perspective... I AM NOTHING.. YET EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS NOTHING.. NOTHING EXISTS FOR ME...... now I only need to experience this nothingness for a very long time to realize it.. So if uhh.. nothing exists.. when I'm fucking... sitting here infront of my computer screen... nothing is behind it.. when my wife and daughter are out.. they don't exist..holy shit.... So if I'm part of the nothing...everything else is part of the nothing... than we're all one I think... TOO BAD I ONLY UNDERSTAND THIS INTELLECTUALLY... So from my understanding the world doesn't fucking exist until I encounter it..... it's in a nothingness state....until I'm there? Still looking for a full experience of the nothingness ..had a moment of it ..the unexplainable but I'll try concentrate

@DizIzMikey Still looking for a full experience of the nothingness - it is impossible to have full experience of nothingness, otherwise it will be already something.

I like @cetus56 's response. Consciousness is nothingness, pure and perfect as is. You can experience this without looking at your wife as a big blob of nothing

same day emotional cocktail and thoughts on spirituality What is this I am feeling? Happiness and thirst for life while being stressed and frustrated? It´s like a little voice saying: I will not die, I will not die! Mindset is really powerfull... I remember being around 7 or 8 I think and I did not want to do my homework and my father said: Now, you will "eat the wood" of your life and you will remember it forever. (Eating wood means getting beaten up). And this scene is quite funny in my mind right now because as children are I answered: No, I won´t! And guess what, I managed to forget it for many, many years and if I had not searched I would probably walk through life as if it never happened. I think it is the same with everything, we can condition ourselves for anything if we just really, really want to. I have a problem with dropping even this side drives me and fights for survival only because it is part of the ego which is afraid to... Die in the worst case. Is it really possible to have a motivation and drive in life without resistance to something or neurotic clinging or negative motivation? Untill now I had pretty much always been searcihng for perspectives which served me in order to make life more sufferable even if that meant trying to believe in lies at some points. For example back on Rhodes one of my best friends believed in a few supernatural things (for example she always claimed that her necklaice is answering questions and guiding her and I have to mention that she has evolved in an intelligent and logical person, surprisingly good at solving problems) and constructed a sort of own reality (she did not have an easy life by the way) and was really successfull with her strength and love for life (one of the most influential, inpiring and happy people I ever knew) through that, so at some desperate points in my own life I tried to do the same. Is not trying to save our lives in every possible way really better? Is believing in existence and nothingness really better? Where do we draw the line of what we want to believe, rational or not? Can´t we just create our own portal to the higher self and wisdom? Is meditation the only way? Multilingual brains are by the way better at inhibition so I guess enlightenment should be a little easier for us since it is a kind of inhibiting certain kinds of processes and thoughts? mind games Before the class starts the is this little time gap where the proff is already there but the lesson has not started yet and I have started using this this time for either scribling on my noteblock or mindfulness meditation. Anyways, so having done some meditationand being told about this "sign proccessing" one can do, which is basically looking around and asking oneself if something is a symbol, an icon, an index or a variable I got kind of reminded of consciousness work... I thought that this could make up it´s own kind of meditation, this sort language filtering so to speak, that makes one realise that most of the things we perceive are so automatically interpreted in our minds that we are completely unaware of how much abstrahation there is involved in what we simply amd effortlessly decode and understand of our every day input. small talk and self talk I think Leo has already mentioned this one at some point as being another form of monkey chatter and just today indeed, I learned that one hypothesis for the evolution of smalltalk is that monkeys would pet and groom each other (you know, get rid of lice and stuff) to build up and keep their bonds and social interaction. A funny thought. And a little degrading to every day life and the hours of life we have spent with small talk and such. It also made me think that if it is so important for keeping relationships to do this then what about self talk and the relationship to ourselves? Could there be a life of not taking care of these thoughts and analyzing? I talk so much to myself that when I don´t do it for a while I feel confused or deppressed and go into autopilot. But... Would the ego starve and die if I stop taking care of it? I guess it is not about hearing oneself talking in ones mind, I guess it is more about what is talked about, right? But let´s face it, I can´t only have higher self thoughts, I will always think a little about the weather or if I should wear a braw to go to uni today or not (I do these kinds of social experiments by the way-they are... Entertaining [if you don´t care so much about what others think of course])... But seriously, we could use full brainpower if we did not spend any time thinking of how we place the self in the context, caring for the self image and status... Guess that´s why Einstein for examle had such great concentration but messy hair... Hehe... we cannot not behave So this thing came up again in lessons today, from Matslawick(?) (too lazy to look up how he spells)... And it was about us always exhibiting some sort of behavior and the others always being in the position to interprete it, most times wrong by the way... My thoughts immediately went to ego smaug and how we project our needs and such onto whatever we see. Not only that but only now that this topic came up again I realised how much of an impact this problem has in my/our lives. I just have to think of last Thursday and the way my trainers interpreted me vs how I was seeing myself in there. So this actualozed school of thought or should I say non thought (or you better define thought first) melts away not one, not two, three, 50 problems we have but all... Every new concept I learn here on actualized.org has such great potential to change lives, places and the future... finding some meaning I was thinking about the fact that people who can´t identify with family or their job or friends, you know... That kind of people who are in the air and have it somewhat rough, that these people like to get into fanatism of something that gives their lives meaning and create some sort of hope and identification, a feeling of belonging. Reminds me of the german movie Die Welle. So, that something can either be a religion, or a subculture, a music, a political party, even a football team... Can´t that also be self actualization though? It is difficult not to make this thing here into some sort of cult. But then again, wouldn´t it be better if people were onbsessed with enlightenment and such than with something else? That is the exceptional thing about self actualization, that it teaches non identification so that as awesome of something that one can add to ones life purpose it is, it can´t become preachy or distructive, absolute- if done correctly. Haha, can you imagine self actualization gihad? "I will kill you or you and me if you don´t do your meditation!". #the ego must die... Whoops... I think I drifted a little too far here... Ok, ok ... You are right... I am procrastinating right now- let´s do the evaluation... productivity meditation that was almost entirely thinking today nutrition exersice - yes, I was a lazy bumm today, what´ya gonna do? nature - Back and forth between buildings was the only fresh air I had today creativity satisfaction as long as you are flexible and don´t let all the bad luck ruin your day... reading I had enough verbal input today and... eh... Let´s not overload the system? And another day is gone... Goodbye (^ ^)

@DizIzMikey Everything around you is existence happening. Existence is bathed in nothingness. Look deeply into the meaning of "nothing". Do you find something special there? It's void of objects. Imagine, it has knowlage of everything -without containing a single thing. How sweet is that? Sounds like Heaven and it's all happening as we speak.

The Bāguà Theory 1 (The Inventor of Bāguà) Fúxī (伏羲), a Chinese legend, invented the bāguà (八卦) during the mid-29th century BCE. “In the beginning there was as yet no moral or social order. Men knew their mothers only, not their fathers. When hungry, they searched for food; when satisfied, they threw away the remnants. They devoured their food hide and hair, drank the blood, and clad themselves in skins and rushes. Then came Fúxī and looked upward and contemplated the images in the heavens, and looked downward and contemplated the occurrences on earth. He united man and wife, regulated the five stages of change, and laid down the laws of humanity. He devised the eight trigrams, in order to gain mastery over the world.” (Story sourced from en.wikipedia.org) Bāguà (八卦) is a set of eight trigrams, each with three lines that are either broken or unbroken. Each of the eight trigrams carries a natural element that tells on them. ☰ Qián (乾) is symbolized by heaven (天, tiān). ☷ Kūn (坤) is symbolized by earth (地, dì). ☵ Kǎn (坎) is symbolized by water (水, shuǐ). ☲ Lí (离) is symbolized by fire (火, huǒ). ☳ Zhèn (震) is symbolized by thunder (雷, léi). ☶ Gèn (艮) is symbolized by mountain (山, shān). ☴ Xùn (巽) is symbolized by wind (風, fēng). ☱ Duì (兌) is symbolized by swamp (泽, zé). A broken line is called a yīn (陰) line; while an unbroken line is called a yáng (陽) line. 陰 (yīn) is a place (阝) where the present (今) is clouded (云). Clouding is part of an emotion cycle (as in a water cycle) that refreshes excited emotion; while present is now, not the past nor future. Translated: Yīn is an incubation phase that pins one down for emotion refreshment. Putting it another way, yīn is a restraining force that stops one from messing with natural processes, which need time to complete their natural courses. So, yīn is often perceived as a negative force that obstructs one’s progress. 陽 (yáng) is a place (阝) where the earth (一) is connected to the sun (日) to break through resistances (勿). Translated: Yáng is a growing phase that breaks through resistances with an earth-heaven link. Alternatively, yáng is a heavenly force that motivates one to go forward against all odds. So, yáng is often perceived as a positive force that facilitates one’s progress. The yīn and yáng forces are believed to be the only two forms of energy that exist in a human universe, a virtual space made out of a stable earthly base, an emotional human domain, and an expanding heavenly realm. The products of their 3-D interactions, bāguà (2 x 2 x 2 = 8), become the building blocks of the I-Ching hexagrams; constructed basing on the 3-D energy model (earth-human-heaven). Fúxī presented his Bāguà Theory in a beautiful poem. The poem tells the story of how a human universe evolves from nothingness to its ideal form; and reasons out how the sixty-four I-Ching hexagrams are formed, to capture all the possible distortions of a human universe one can experience in a lifetime. (Picture sourced from fengshuimall.com)

@Philip A good part of my life I've been trying to control my thoughts because "I" didn't want to think about filthy things.. but.. I'm not my thoughts .. a thought is a thought and I'm not any of my thoughts.. "I" am that nothingness .. but "I" still get paranoid off filthy thoughts.. like ... uhh.. having an attraction towards my mother in laws personality... shhhh.. lmao And I get paranoid like my wife knows wtf I'm doing... I'm not out of the woods yet.. I like fucking.. got one foot in the door and the other back in the "I" state ... I'm going to attempt to let my thoughts flow and see wtf happens.

@WelcometoReality Nothing ... uhhhh.. is the sun the earths soul? lmao I'm guessing I'm that.. silence that nothingness that cannot be explained, but dunno.. need to meditate on the silence a bit more I suppose

I think you are answering it in your same question. There´s none (true self = no/self = none = nothingness). But when you truly realize that there´s nothing, at that moment you will see reality without distortion, ergo you will be enlightened. And for truly realizing I don´t mean being understood by logic or reason.

@Frank B Why are you addicted to stuff? It's because you're avoiding emptiness, the emptiness that is experienced when you sit and do nothing What is meditation? Meditation is sitting with nothingness So, meditation is used to stop you from 'doing' things, it's an attempt to get you to face emptiness, because when you face emptiness, you stop running away to do stuff, which is your addictive behaviours. If you learn about enlightenment, you'll see this is very practical, because it gets to deeper truths about human nature and consciousness, all the other methods which seem practical on the surface, they are surface level solutions, so in the end they're not as practical as you think, they're like sticker plaster solutions, which one's more practical now?

@Lee You're implying it would make more sense if the universe was less convenient than it is right now? I think you just arbitrarly decided that. So let's place this arbitrary standard in the other direction and see what happens. Why isn't the universe MORE convenient ? Why did it take several billion years for our universe to stop being a lifeless, boring and chaotic mess containing not even a glimpse of organic structure to sustain any kind of sensory capacity or consciousness? Then, how the hell could organic life decide to develop itself through a global never ending mass murder frenzy we call the food chain? And why did our developing society need its armies to murder and rape, its leaders to plot and manipulate and its religions to lie and enslave? And now that things are finally getting a little better, everybody thinks they're getting worse, because they're watching... ...a little too much. Now even less convenient: If we want to change the world, we first have to struggle through the immense labor of changing ourselves. To change ourselves, we have to know what to change. And our subconscious mind will do absolutely anything to prevent us to do so. It often prefers making us commit suicide than accepting our own flaws. And if we decide neither to change ourselves nor the world, then we're stuck walking around like sedated zombies without a purpose. To finally end up as rotting piece of meat, lost in the infinite nothingness of death. You see how arbitrary the convenience of the universe is? That's because convenience is a human concept, not a physical phenomenon. Anyway, sorry for not answering to your question at all, but you might agree it was worth it

Addiction: Video Games Date: 4/17/2016 Time: started at 10:30 AM but session ended at 11:20 AM because mom distracted me. Day #: Day 1 Feelings Felt Psychologically: A lot of distractions but gave an effort to stay in the present moment and thought of nothingness. Some periods, had an urge for cravings to play but reminded myself no. Feelings Felt Physiologically: For like 3 minutes my right leg kept shaking. Questions You Asked Yourself: Some questions I asked myself was does this really work, how can I become a better write, how do I articulate my thoughts better, how do I reach a higher level of success. How Do You Feel After Your Session?: after my session, I feel more calm and alert. I have a little impulse to play but consciously I know not to and I won't. So far so good. Also I actually laid down because I am sick with influenza aka the flu. ****EDIT****

Nothingness-help section.

@Leo Gura Ok, I just wanted to take a minute and give an update. Again, every input is much appreciated! So I started to ask your recommended question alot and what came up was that I believe I am kind of this CEO in my head. I delegate the "lower tasks" like breathing to my body but I can stil use my body and kind of control it (walk right or point a finger but not how I digest food,... ). In addition I am not the mind but I can choose to use it. What is interesting here is that I cannot really control it because sometimes it just runs wild... In the same manner I am definetely not my thoughts as I cannot control them to any extent. In addition to that I am not "the voice" as I can perceive it. It is kind of an echo of my thoughts. Finally I feel like I am perceiving this world through "my" body and I am judging and labeling it. So who dies? I feel like "I am going to die". Who is "I" ? The whole of it. The body is going to die. The voice will stop. And so on. But all of that is not me. I am the CEO, the perceiver. This is what came up during self-inquiry. What was really helpful were two things: the free will vs determinism video and taking some extended contemplative walks tp ask this question in addition to self-inquiry. Now what also came up due to my logical contemplation where a couple questions: If what I call "I" is an illusion and I am "reality" why can "I" only perceive what this body perceives (is that reality?). And why can you only perceive what your body perceives? Which of the two is the "real" reality? Are there multiple realities? I know that the question makes no real sense as there is no "I" but it really breaks my fucking mind. What the hell is reality? And where do these thoughts come from? Who makes them? Is it this body (the trillions of cells)? What is this "nothingness"? Lastly, what really fascinated me was that the human body on a atomic level is much more empty space than matter. So if we touch something it is really the repulsion of different atoms against each other (from our hand against the atoms of the wall/...). Furthermore it is kind of freaky that everything (waves,...) moves through us. But what about thoughts? Are they energy? Is that how they arise ?! Just an idea... I have much more mindbreaking questions but I do not want to hold you off to long. What would be some suitable questions at this point to get through this "CEO perception" ? Thanks so much!

Easiest if you let your brain think, have belief and act the same way as it always does, just don't identify with it. You are that which experiences all that. There you go, a head start, begin now @Ross I believe the rest will happen for you by itself if you stick to trying to observe the "I am" from the place before "I am". PS: For me, the place before "I am" is nothingness. So imagine nothingness in your mind, and the thing that is seeing that nothingness is the true nothingness, or that which you are.

Existence does exist...just not as phenomena (the world as we know it). That's what @Emerald Wilkins is referring to. Existence exists as you say: pure infinite potential. Also known as Truth, noumena, infinity, Being, nothingness, etc. You cannot "know" existence, because that would put you another level above it. Instead, you can only "be" existence. In a sense, you can really only come to the conclusion that "Truth is" through negating all that you are not.

@Infinite 1.You're becoming so mentally aware that the mind dissolves into 'nothingness'. From the perspective of mind, that experience it more as stillness or awareness becoming so prevalent that "mental awareness " or "mind" or self awareness become totally consumed. To vanish? or not to vanish? Is that not the remainder of the ox? Where is Leo?

So you mean there is really nothing is this nothingness?! I'm baffled Reread the first post

@cetus56 I don't know if you're going unconscious or not. Based on your description, I really only see two possibilities here. 1.You're becoming so mentally aware that the mind dissolves into 'nothingness'. 2. You're going unconscious. I can't tell you which one it is. When the content within awareness ceases to be, it appears to us as if the awareness ceases to be. This is because we are fixated on the content (what we are aware of), and ignorant of the reality (awareness itself). Awareness itself is neither something nor nothing, but since we perceive ourselves to be its content, we think that it vanishes with the absence of the content. Nothingness only appears to be nothingness, in relation to the belief that there is something other than consciousness (awareness). Awareness is all there could ever be. When you experience "absolute nothingness", which is the absence of experience (content), you then say "I realize that I had vanished". It's not that "you" vanished, it's that what you believe yourself to be vanished. Without being aware of the eternal self, the absence of content gets interpreted as the absence of self. Think about what occurs during deep sleep. In deep sleep we think that awareness vanishes because there is a complete absence of experience. In reality however, the state of deep sleep is pure awareness. Pure awareness simply means awareness without content.

Thanks for making that distinction. It sounds like it is mental awareness that sometimes is lost from you description. Like I said, it doesn't happen very often but when it does I always wonder what that is. It happens when true self or "pure being" (as i call it) is experienced as floating in a silent, infinite ocean. In that state there is a silent witness also of that experience happening. I once put out the intention to dissolve into that silent ocean, and I did. That's when it happens. I know I'n not dozing off. I know the difference. Than awareness comes back and continues floating in that silent ocean. Only at that point do I realize that I had vanished for a moment or two. That is the impression it gives. I thought I was experiencing absolute nothingness or total non-existence. So I guess by what you are saying, I am just becoming unconscious? No advantage in repeating that? So this raises another big question for me now about what happens when the physical body dies. I thought I had some idea of the answer to that. You become non-existent. Maybe not? Who can really say for sure? I'm thinking now about Allen Watts and his talk about becoming absolute nothingness. I will listen to that again with fresh ears.

Great clarification! I've been trying to imagine nothingness, now I know that the nothingness was observing that imagining of nothingness It was on the other side.

@ranzo1 I am not enlightened but I have experienced oneness, emptiness, nothingness, love like I never experienced before. I have a T/R (truth realization) experience, where I saw that the reality we are living is like being dead, you are not alive until you begin to be "born again" or enlightened. You begin to live when you are enlightened, right now we are nothing. At least in my experience. Experiences like that are like gifts, you have to say thank you and don't think too much about them. I know I am not the "person" or "ego" because that ego changes all the time, I know that we must be something more permanent, that there's a real self that we have to look for. But my recommendation is to meditate, that will bring the awareness you need. You never will know by thinking. I am not enlightened but I am feeling much better than before and I know that everybody can be enlightened. There's a pattern you can see in the teachings of people who are enlightened, in their teachings. When you awareness begin to improve you will notice those patterns more easily and you won't need any guidance or guru. Your true self will guide you.