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same day emotional cocktail and thoughts on spirituality What is this I am feeling? Happiness and thirst for life while being stressed and frustrated? It´s like a little voice saying: I will not die, I will not die! Mindset is really powerfull... I remember being around 7 or 8 I think and I did not want to do my homework and my father said: Now, you will "eat the wood" of your life and you will remember it forever. (Eating wood means getting beaten up). And this scene is quite funny in my mind right now because as children are I answered: No, I won´t! And guess what, I managed to forget it for many, many years and if I had not searched I would probably walk through life as if it never happened. I think it is the same with everything, we can condition ourselves for anything if we just really, really want to. I have a problem with dropping even this side drives me and fights for survival only because it is part of the ego which is afraid to... Die in the worst case. Is it really possible to have a motivation and drive in life without resistance to something or neurotic clinging or negative motivation? Untill now I had pretty much always been searcihng for perspectives which served me in order to make life more sufferable even if that meant trying to believe in lies at some points. For example back on Rhodes one of my best friends believed in a few supernatural things (for example she always claimed that her necklaice is answering questions and guiding her and I have to mention that she has evolved in an intelligent and logical person, surprisingly good at solving problems) and constructed a sort of own reality (she did not have an easy life by the way) and was really successfull with her strength and love for life (one of the most influential, inpiring and happy people I ever knew) through that, so at some desperate points in my own life I tried to do the same. Is not trying to save our lives in every possible way really better? Is believing in existence and nothingness really better? Where do we draw the line of what we want to believe, rational or not? Can´t we just create our own portal to the higher self and wisdom? Is meditation the only way? Multilingual brains are by the way better at inhibition so I guess enlightenment should be a little easier for us since it is a kind of inhibiting certain kinds of processes and thoughts? mind games Before the class starts the is this little time gap where the proff is already there but the lesson has not started yet and I have started using this this time for either scribling on my noteblock or mindfulness meditation. Anyways, so having done some meditationand being told about this "sign proccessing" one can do, which is basically looking around and asking oneself if something is a symbol, an icon, an index or a variable I got kind of reminded of consciousness work... I thought that this could make up it´s own kind of meditation, this sort language filtering so to speak, that makes one realise that most of the things we perceive are so automatically interpreted in our minds that we are completely unaware of how much abstrahation there is involved in what we simply amd effortlessly decode and understand of our every day input. small talk and self talk I think Leo has already mentioned this one at some point as being another form of monkey chatter and just today indeed, I learned that one hypothesis for the evolution of smalltalk is that monkeys would pet and groom each other (you know, get rid of lice and stuff) to build up and keep their bonds and social interaction. A funny thought. And a little degrading to every day life and the hours of life we have spent with small talk and such. It also made me think that if it is so important for keeping relationships to do this then what about self talk and the relationship to ourselves? Could there be a life of not taking care of these thoughts and analyzing? I talk so much to myself that when I don´t do it for a while I feel confused or deppressed and go into autopilot. But... Would the ego starve and die if I stop taking care of it? I guess it is not about hearing oneself talking in ones mind, I guess it is more about what is talked about, right? But let´s face it, I can´t only have higher self thoughts, I will always think a little about the weather or if I should wear a braw to go to uni today or not (I do these kinds of social experiments by the way-they are... Entertaining [if you don´t care so much about what others think of course])... But seriously, we could use full brainpower if we did not spend any time thinking of how we place the self in the context, caring for the self image and status... Guess that´s why Einstein for examle had such great concentration but messy hair... Hehe... we cannot not behave So this thing came up again in lessons today, from Matslawick(?) (too lazy to look up how he spells)... And it was about us always exhibiting some sort of behavior and the others always being in the position to interprete it, most times wrong by the way... My thoughts immediately went to ego smaug and how we project our needs and such onto whatever we see. Not only that but only now that this topic came up again I realised how much of an impact this problem has in my/our lives. I just have to think of last Thursday and the way my trainers interpreted me vs how I was seeing myself in there. So this actualozed school of thought or should I say non thought (or you better define thought first) melts away not one, not two, three, 50 problems we have but all... Every new concept I learn here on actualized.org has such great potential to change lives, places and the future... finding some meaning I was thinking about the fact that people who can´t identify with family or their job or friends, you know... That kind of people who are in the air and have it somewhat rough, that these people like to get into fanatism of something that gives their lives meaning and create some sort of hope and identification, a feeling of belonging. Reminds me of the german movie Die Welle. So, that something can either be a religion, or a subculture, a music, a political party, even a football team... Can´t that also be self actualization though? It is difficult not to make this thing here into some sort of cult. But then again, wouldn´t it be better if people were onbsessed with enlightenment and such than with something else? That is the exceptional thing about self actualization, that it teaches non identification so that as awesome of something that one can add to ones life purpose it is, it can´t become preachy or distructive, absolute- if done correctly. Haha, can you imagine self actualization gihad? "I will kill you or you and me if you don´t do your meditation!". #the ego must die... Whoops... I think I drifted a little too far here... Ok, ok ... You are right... I am procrastinating right now- let´s do the evaluation... productivity meditation that was almost entirely thinking today nutrition exersice - yes, I was a lazy bumm today, what´ya gonna do? nature - Back and forth between buildings was the only fresh air I had today creativity satisfaction as long as you are flexible and don´t let all the bad luck ruin your day... reading I had enough verbal input today and... eh... Let´s not overload the system? And another day is gone... Goodbye (^ ^)

@DizIzMikey Everything around you is existence happening. Existence is bathed in nothingness. Look deeply into the meaning of "nothing". Do you find something special there? It's void of objects. Imagine, it has knowlage of everything -without containing a single thing. How sweet is that? Sounds like Heaven and it's all happening as we speak.

The Bāguà Theory 1 (The Inventor of Bāguà) Fúxī (伏羲), a Chinese legend, invented the bāguà (八卦) during the mid-29th century BCE. “In the beginning there was as yet no moral or social order. Men knew their mothers only, not their fathers. When hungry, they searched for food; when satisfied, they threw away the remnants. They devoured their food hide and hair, drank the blood, and clad themselves in skins and rushes. Then came Fúxī and looked upward and contemplated the images in the heavens, and looked downward and contemplated the occurrences on earth. He united man and wife, regulated the five stages of change, and laid down the laws of humanity. He devised the eight trigrams, in order to gain mastery over the world.” (Story sourced from en.wikipedia.org) Bāguà (八卦) is a set of eight trigrams, each with three lines that are either broken or unbroken. Each of the eight trigrams carries a natural element that tells on them. ☰ Qián (乾) is symbolized by heaven (天, tiān). ☷ Kūn (坤) is symbolized by earth (地, dì). ☵ Kǎn (坎) is symbolized by water (水, shuǐ). ☲ Lí (离) is symbolized by fire (火, huǒ). ☳ Zhèn (震) is symbolized by thunder (雷, léi). ☶ Gèn (艮) is symbolized by mountain (山, shān). ☴ Xùn (巽) is symbolized by wind (風, fēng). ☱ Duì (兌) is symbolized by swamp (泽, zé). A broken line is called a yīn (陰) line; while an unbroken line is called a yáng (陽) line. 陰 (yīn) is a place (阝) where the present (今) is clouded (云). Clouding is part of an emotion cycle (as in a water cycle) that refreshes excited emotion; while present is now, not the past nor future. Translated: Yīn is an incubation phase that pins one down for emotion refreshment. Putting it another way, yīn is a restraining force that stops one from messing with natural processes, which need time to complete their natural courses. So, yīn is often perceived as a negative force that obstructs one’s progress. 陽 (yáng) is a place (阝) where the earth (一) is connected to the sun (日) to break through resistances (勿). Translated: Yáng is a growing phase that breaks through resistances with an earth-heaven link. Alternatively, yáng is a heavenly force that motivates one to go forward against all odds. So, yáng is often perceived as a positive force that facilitates one’s progress. The yīn and yáng forces are believed to be the only two forms of energy that exist in a human universe, a virtual space made out of a stable earthly base, an emotional human domain, and an expanding heavenly realm. The products of their 3-D interactions, bāguà (2 x 2 x 2 = 8), become the building blocks of the I-Ching hexagrams; constructed basing on the 3-D energy model (earth-human-heaven). Fúxī presented his Bāguà Theory in a beautiful poem. The poem tells the story of how a human universe evolves from nothingness to its ideal form; and reasons out how the sixty-four I-Ching hexagrams are formed, to capture all the possible distortions of a human universe one can experience in a lifetime. (Picture sourced from fengshuimall.com)

So in my head.. if my daughter is a thought... she doesn't exist... my world view I guess.. If Michael is a thought.. I don't exist.. if fred or victor is a thought or a computer screen is thought... Everything around me.. does not exist..nor do I All that left is "nothing" when my mind is silent.. so everything must be nothing. =( This is my new and current perspective... I AM NOTHING.. YET EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS NOTHING.. NOTHING EXISTS FOR ME...... now I only need to experience this nothingness for a very long time to realize it.. So if uhh.. nothing exists.. when I'm fucking... sitting here infront of my computer screen... nothing is behind it.. when my wife and daughter are out.. they don't exist..holy shit.... So if I'm part of the nothing...everything else is part of the nothing... than we're all one I think... TOO BAD I ONLY UNDERSTAND THIS INTELLECTUALLY... So from my understanding the world doesn't fucking exist until I encounter it..... it's in a nothingness state....until I'm there? Still looking for a full experience of the nothingness ..had a moment of it ..the unexplainable but I'll try concentrate

@Philip A good part of my life I've been trying to control my thoughts because "I" didn't want to think about filthy things.. but.. I'm not my thoughts .. a thought is a thought and I'm not any of my thoughts.. "I" am that nothingness .. but "I" still get paranoid off filthy thoughts.. like ... uhh.. having an attraction towards my mother in laws personality... shhhh.. lmao And I get paranoid like my wife knows wtf I'm doing... I'm not out of the woods yet.. I like fucking.. got one foot in the door and the other back in the "I" state ... I'm going to attempt to let my thoughts flow and see wtf happens.

@WelcometoReality Nothing ... uhhhh.. is the sun the earths soul? lmao I'm guessing I'm that.. silence that nothingness that cannot be explained, but dunno.. need to meditate on the silence a bit more I suppose

I think you are answering it in your same question. There´s none (true self = no/self = none = nothingness). But when you truly realize that there´s nothing, at that moment you will see reality without distortion, ergo you will be enlightened. And for truly realizing I don´t mean being understood by logic or reason.

@Frank B Why are you addicted to stuff? It's because you're avoiding emptiness, the emptiness that is experienced when you sit and do nothing What is meditation? Meditation is sitting with nothingness So, meditation is used to stop you from 'doing' things, it's an attempt to get you to face emptiness, because when you face emptiness, you stop running away to do stuff, which is your addictive behaviours. If you learn about enlightenment, you'll see this is very practical, because it gets to deeper truths about human nature and consciousness, all the other methods which seem practical on the surface, they are surface level solutions, so in the end they're not as practical as you think, they're like sticker plaster solutions, which one's more practical now?

@Lee You're implying it would make more sense if the universe was less convenient than it is right now? I think you just arbitrarly decided that. So let's place this arbitrary standard in the other direction and see what happens. Why isn't the universe MORE convenient ? Why did it take several billion years for our universe to stop being a lifeless, boring and chaotic mess containing not even a glimpse of organic structure to sustain any kind of sensory capacity or consciousness? Then, how the hell could organic life decide to develop itself through a global never ending mass murder frenzy we call the food chain? And why did our developing society need its armies to murder and rape, its leaders to plot and manipulate and its religions to lie and enslave? And now that things are finally getting a little better, everybody thinks they're getting worse, because they're watching... ...a little too much. Now even less convenient: If we want to change the world, we first have to struggle through the immense labor of changing ourselves. To change ourselves, we have to know what to change. And our subconscious mind will do absolutely anything to prevent us to do so. It often prefers making us commit suicide than accepting our own flaws. And if we decide neither to change ourselves nor the world, then we're stuck walking around like sedated zombies without a purpose. To finally end up as rotting piece of meat, lost in the infinite nothingness of death. You see how arbitrary the convenience of the universe is? That's because convenience is a human concept, not a physical phenomenon. Anyway, sorry for not answering to your question at all, but you might agree it was worth it

Addiction: Video Games Date: 4/17/2016 Time: started at 10:30 AM but session ended at 11:20 AM because mom distracted me. Day #: Day 1 Feelings Felt Psychologically: A lot of distractions but gave an effort to stay in the present moment and thought of nothingness. Some periods, had an urge for cravings to play but reminded myself no. Feelings Felt Physiologically: For like 3 minutes my right leg kept shaking. Questions You Asked Yourself: Some questions I asked myself was does this really work, how can I become a better write, how do I articulate my thoughts better, how do I reach a higher level of success. How Do You Feel After Your Session?: after my session, I feel more calm and alert. I have a little impulse to play but consciously I know not to and I won't. So far so good. Also I actually laid down because I am sick with influenza aka the flu. ****EDIT****

Nothingness-help section.

@Leo Gura Ok, I just wanted to take a minute and give an update. Again, every input is much appreciated! So I started to ask your recommended question alot and what came up was that I believe I am kind of this CEO in my head. I delegate the "lower tasks" like breathing to my body but I can stil use my body and kind of control it (walk right or point a finger but not how I digest food,... ). In addition I am not the mind but I can choose to use it. What is interesting here is that I cannot really control it because sometimes it just runs wild... In the same manner I am definetely not my thoughts as I cannot control them to any extent. In addition to that I am not "the voice" as I can perceive it. It is kind of an echo of my thoughts. Finally I feel like I am perceiving this world through "my" body and I am judging and labeling it. So who dies? I feel like "I am going to die". Who is "I" ? The whole of it. The body is going to die. The voice will stop. And so on. But all of that is not me. I am the CEO, the perceiver. This is what came up during self-inquiry. What was really helpful were two things: the free will vs determinism video and taking some extended contemplative walks tp ask this question in addition to self-inquiry. Now what also came up due to my logical contemplation where a couple questions: If what I call "I" is an illusion and I am "reality" why can "I" only perceive what this body perceives (is that reality?). And why can you only perceive what your body perceives? Which of the two is the "real" reality? Are there multiple realities? I know that the question makes no real sense as there is no "I" but it really breaks my fucking mind. What the hell is reality? And where do these thoughts come from? Who makes them? Is it this body (the trillions of cells)? What is this "nothingness"? Lastly, what really fascinated me was that the human body on a atomic level is much more empty space than matter. So if we touch something it is really the repulsion of different atoms against each other (from our hand against the atoms of the wall/...). Furthermore it is kind of freaky that everything (waves,...) moves through us. But what about thoughts? Are they energy? Is that how they arise ?! Just an idea... I have much more mindbreaking questions but I do not want to hold you off to long. What would be some suitable questions at this point to get through this "CEO perception" ? Thanks so much!

Easiest if you let your brain think, have belief and act the same way as it always does, just don't identify with it. You are that which experiences all that. There you go, a head start, begin now @Ross I believe the rest will happen for you by itself if you stick to trying to observe the "I am" from the place before "I am". PS: For me, the place before "I am" is nothingness. So imagine nothingness in your mind, and the thing that is seeing that nothingness is the true nothingness, or that which you are.

Existence does exist...just not as phenomena (the world as we know it). That's what @Emerald Wilkins is referring to. Existence exists as you say: pure infinite potential. Also known as Truth, noumena, infinity, Being, nothingness, etc. You cannot "know" existence, because that would put you another level above it. Instead, you can only "be" existence. In a sense, you can really only come to the conclusion that "Truth is" through negating all that you are not.

@Infinite 1.You're becoming so mentally aware that the mind dissolves into 'nothingness'. From the perspective of mind, that experience it more as stillness or awareness becoming so prevalent that "mental awareness " or "mind" or self awareness become totally consumed. To vanish? or not to vanish? Is that not the remainder of the ox? Where is Leo?

So you mean there is really nothing is this nothingness?! I'm baffled Reread the first post

@cetus56 I don't know if you're going unconscious or not. Based on your description, I really only see two possibilities here. 1.You're becoming so mentally aware that the mind dissolves into 'nothingness'. 2. You're going unconscious. I can't tell you which one it is. When the content within awareness ceases to be, it appears to us as if the awareness ceases to be. This is because we are fixated on the content (what we are aware of), and ignorant of the reality (awareness itself). Awareness itself is neither something nor nothing, but since we perceive ourselves to be its content, we think that it vanishes with the absence of the content. Nothingness only appears to be nothingness, in relation to the belief that there is something other than consciousness (awareness). Awareness is all there could ever be. When you experience "absolute nothingness", which is the absence of experience (content), you then say "I realize that I had vanished". It's not that "you" vanished, it's that what you believe yourself to be vanished. Without being aware of the eternal self, the absence of content gets interpreted as the absence of self. Think about what occurs during deep sleep. In deep sleep we think that awareness vanishes because there is a complete absence of experience. In reality however, the state of deep sleep is pure awareness. Pure awareness simply means awareness without content.

Thanks for making that distinction. It sounds like it is mental awareness that sometimes is lost from you description. Like I said, it doesn't happen very often but when it does I always wonder what that is. It happens when true self or "pure being" (as i call it) is experienced as floating in a silent, infinite ocean. In that state there is a silent witness also of that experience happening. I once put out the intention to dissolve into that silent ocean, and I did. That's when it happens. I know I'n not dozing off. I know the difference. Than awareness comes back and continues floating in that silent ocean. Only at that point do I realize that I had vanished for a moment or two. That is the impression it gives. I thought I was experiencing absolute nothingness or total non-existence. So I guess by what you are saying, I am just becoming unconscious? No advantage in repeating that? So this raises another big question for me now about what happens when the physical body dies. I thought I had some idea of the answer to that. You become non-existent. Maybe not? Who can really say for sure? I'm thinking now about Allen Watts and his talk about becoming absolute nothingness. I will listen to that again with fresh ears.

Great clarification! I've been trying to imagine nothingness, now I know that the nothingness was observing that imagining of nothingness It was on the other side.

@ranzo1 I am not enlightened but I have experienced oneness, emptiness, nothingness, love like I never experienced before. I have a T/R (truth realization) experience, where I saw that the reality we are living is like being dead, you are not alive until you begin to be "born again" or enlightened. You begin to live when you are enlightened, right now we are nothing. At least in my experience. Experiences like that are like gifts, you have to say thank you and don't think too much about them. I know I am not the "person" or "ego" because that ego changes all the time, I know that we must be something more permanent, that there's a real self that we have to look for. But my recommendation is to meditate, that will bring the awareness you need. You never will know by thinking. I am not enlightened but I am feeling much better than before and I know that everybody can be enlightened. There's a pattern you can see in the teachings of people who are enlightened, in their teachings. When you awareness begin to improve you will notice those patterns more easily and you won't need any guidance or guru. Your true self will guide you.

Nothing I have written is true. I can only write from awareness of experience and knowledge and there are limitations to both. I can only speak within language and there limitations to language. Satan has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm writing about, sin and love have nothing to do with it either. There is only an omni-present awareness of nothingness. I quote "You twist everything with your beliefs and the lense in which you see reality and the filters in your mind" There are limitations to beliefs and there are limitations to the you that you call yourself. Any feeling other than the unconditional love enshrouded in reality and you are in disaccordance to your existential nature or being you could say. Is it making sense now? I'm talking on another plain, your existential existence and the realization of nothingness. My entire post is very nihilistic. But you only perceive it that way. You see things negatively, but there is nothing to be negative about, there is only unconditional love ever-present in realty. Your self image is blinding you from seeing this. Imagine being ever present in pure bliss for eternity. This isn't some Eutopean fantasy. Your level of awareness blinds you from seeing it. It's with you now, it has always been with you. Your entire life is a distraction from even being aware of it. But your existential being always knows it is there buried deep down or hidden in the core of your soul. You spend your whole life chasing your own tail. You are trapped in the neurosis of your mind if you aren't the very pure awareness of it. Don't fool yourself, you are not ready. Even as I write this I am not even close to ready, not even on the tip of the iceberg of it. This is all just cute philosophy according to what I am speaking of. There are limitations to knowledge. Knowledge is completely irrelevant. What we refer to as knowledge now, does not see outside the limitations of knowledge. Imagine being able to accept any energy that comes in your existence. Be able to be every single emotion in it's purest form. You block out the energy of others. It goes against your belief and you experience disconnection to unconditional love. This is why everyone has flaws, every being has a different personality and existential existence. Everything and everyone are connected. Connected deeply to the core of reality. Everything is reality and everyone is reality, unseparated. Unconditional love which is deep in the soul of every being and all of reality is the only thing that can connect us back to our deepest being. Which is why you can see the fiction of all beliefs. Beliefs create the very feelings you feel. Wouldn't you rather be relaxed and blissful in unconditional love in the ever-present moment? No, because you don't drop these beliefs, they are so woven into your self image. You use all your energy in an endless loop preserving your self image. You have a unique way in which you see and think how the world works. You will give your all to preserve your self image, defending it until your deathbed. You dislike the way people are and you are just waiting for the world to change, not realising that reality is already perfection. Change yourself and the world will change. But did anything really change, or do you just see it differently now? Relaxation is what you are. Stress is what you think you should be. The way people interact with you now is completely different. Did they change? No. You missed so much in people. You missed so much in yourself. You have context completely fly over your head. You don't see the beauty in every soul and the majesty of reality. "You hold that there is no God and also many other beliefs about how reality works, like for example that objects are made out of atoms. And these beliefs are fictions! Yet you don't drop these beliefs precisely because they are woven into your self-image to such an extent that if you ever did succeed in dropping them, your very existence as a human being would come into question. "You" would literally die. The body would remain. Which is called enlightenment (AKA God). So actually we could say that your atheism is directly preventing you from seeing God. That's the language that a Zen Master or Yogi might use. But which is often misconstrued by pre-rational and rational people as mysticism or fairytales. Notice how you start off by saying, "I am an atheist." In fact, "you" are a fiction equivalent in absurdity to a bearded man in the clouds. So the very first words out of your mouth are already false! And this is not a mere triviality or ad hominem attack, this is THE WHOLE point! Every false belief creates the sense of YOU. And that's all YOU care about, is protecting YOU! As long as you feel comfy, as long as YOU are alive, all is good. If not, all hell breaks loose. If I call you a racist idiot, your psyche automatically puts up a defense without even considering that you might be one. Notice that your very criterion for truth is an emotion of comfort and security. If it makes you feel secure and more like a real self, it is called true. Otherwise, false. But in actuality, truth is irrelevant to you. Yet you tell yourself otherwise. And so this one assumption has already tainted the very foundation of all "your" reasoning. You will now live your whole life (which isn't yours by the way) -- just like the religious person -- and NEVER question this assumption seriously. So your epistemic position is IDENTICAL to an Islamic fundamentalist. Like seriously! I'm not kidding. This shit is real and it's happening to you right now as you read this very sentence. And sadly, even as you start to suspect this, the illusion and dogma is so deep you still can't break free! Tomorrow, after this discussion is long forgotten, you will slip back into unconsciousness, back into fundamentalist illusion, dismissing one as a crackpot and all this as cute philosophy. And yet, you will also live for the rest of your life in fear of the truth, distracting yourself with every form of distraction invented by man just so long as you can avoid doing the investigation I'm telling you to do. You do intuitively sense that your life is a lie, right? That your life is a distraction from this truth? Your career, your girlfriend, your family, your friends, your favorite movies -- all of it is a distraction from this one thing: your fear of death. Which of course you should fear, because you are a fictional entity. You fear death as much as the fundamentalist fears having his religion questioned. That's not a coincidence. That's because you two share the very same ego structure! Yes, one can apply logic and reason to see the inherent limitations of logic and reason and thus transcend it. You are aware of Godel's Incompleteness theorem, yes? Which proves that every sufficiently complex language system (i.e., math, logic, science, English) is inherently incomplete, meaning that there are truths that exist outside of every language which are real but cannot be demonstrated within the system? Kinda a big deal, huh? But conveniently swept under the rug. You don't get to spirituality through faith. You get to spirituality through rationalism. Spirituality is what occurs when rationalism eats itself alive, like the snake eating it's own tail. Once the snake eats itself, nothing remains. And that's what spirituality is: the realization of Nothingness. But none of this can make sense logically because you're trying to use logic to make sense of itself without realizing what logic actually is. It's not what your ego tells you it is. It's like you're trying to fix a defective microscope by using another defective microscope. This, in a nutshell, is the entire absurdity of the science vs religion debate. ( @Leo Gura, actualized.org)"

Yeah I kind of got too lost in terms of what my lifestyle is supposed to be and how pointless everyday lifestyle feels, like whenever I'm in public I just look around at what people are doing and it feels like they're doing nothing even if it looks like something, I'm trying to get with the nothingness of all this somethingness There was this funny quote where someone asks something along the lines of "master, what changes after enlightenment?" and the enlightened guy replies "nothing much, you still have to do the laundry" but then I was watching Leo's video of the benefits of enlightenment and it started to feel like no there's actually more than this life right now

Well... I'm Theravada. I think of Nirvana as Enlightenment. Maybe my translation is a little off. After reach, I kind of thought Nirvana and Enlightenment are a little different in some people mind. When they say Enlightenment, it's more like realization of truth. Ya know... realizing the real nature. For Nirvana, one must pass through the state of realization and being one with the nature which is nothingness. Not many talk about Nirvana in this western country though. But......... I don't think that is a problem. Once one knows the true nature, one sure will accept the teachings of Buddha automatically because they are exactly what you see in your enlightenment experiences. In Theravada, every words of Buddha was kept and learned. All about Hell, heaven, reincarnation things are not the same as what most people believe. They are actually very different. Soooooooooo different. The annoying part maybe tons of rules. Don't worry, you won't go to hell if you don't follow all those rules. I don't even think of Buddhism as religion because it's not believing. All Buddha taught was reality. You believe it or not doesn't matter. Whatever happening around you will still be happening whether you notice it or agree with it or like it or not. That is why life is suffering because we are pitiful. We are pitiful because we think we have control over many things but ............... We actually don't.

whos next? - is part of your knowledge system, just accept that you are nothingness.

From" A Bird on the Wing" by Osho - "The more simple a thing the more difficult it is to understand. " So my logical mind immediately kicks in by the following : If enlightenment is infinitely simple, then it is infinitely hard to understand <=> Nothingness is infinitely hard to understand <=> we shouldn't try to understand it, because we need an infinite mind for that.