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There is nothing to realize. It's a tricky game and why some people go completely mad during the process. The nature of things is paradoxical and ever evolving. Thus, we cannot grasp the realization of god through any tangible means in this physical universe, because the physical is the immaterial and vice versa. Rather, we must pass through the underworld into the world of forms to become self actualized. The world of forms is simultaneously unformed. There is no wrong path to awakening/enlightenment/whatever you would like to call it. There are only right paths that are wrong. The actualization of the self is a transformation within from which it isn't. Some paths "take longer" (although time doesn't work in the way we imagine it) than others. We cannot do anything to reach enlightenment because you are already enlightened, you are already eternal, and you are all knowing in your unknowingness. Let your ego float down the stream which is our universal force of chaos and you will become ordered. Flow down the river of the force of order and you will become chaotic. We can only become aware of this yet we can't become aware. Everything is love. Everything and nothing (God) loved itself so much, that it had to "destroy" itself eternally, and the ironic connection we feel is the understanding that we are all dead, forever dying, but never reaching. When you need something to hold onto - let go.

Exactly, but the difference between having an experience of absolute infinity and not having it is the difference between seeing or not. You have to understand that not everyone will have this realization by taking drugs, it will only happen if you are predisposed or looking for it by doing constant deconstruction work. once you have had this experience, the moment passes and you lose it, but it is the difference between being blind forever or being blind and seeing for a minute. then you are blind again but you know what it is to see, and this makes you want to see constantly and take the necessary steps to make that happen, because, if it was possible for a while, what prevents that it's impossible now? you have to understand what processes occur to keep you asleep. if you have never woken up, it is impossible. to understand it is necessary to go from asleep to awake and back to asleep, several times. this promote the understanding, and understanding deactivates the walls that keep you tied but psychedelics not only do that, they also make your mind more flexible, cleaner, they bring to the surface all the negativity, all the bad habits, and they give rise to a quick and real transformation.

I get it man and I think that's true, in a way. But you can also easily fool yourself with meditation and it becomes something that keeps you stuck. It's like if I just keep meditating and never use psychedelics again, I'll have a much easier time maintaining that comfortable, blissful state. But that is a trap in my opinion because little progress is made from such a place. The real transformation happens when you say fuck it and destroy everything for the sake of truth. And of course, it's easy to fool yourself with psychedelics, too. This is all very tricky and complicated... Maybe it's wrong to frame it as a trap, that's just how I see it. In the end I think psychedelics speed up the whole process and I guess some people don't want that.

Also when I empathize with someone who is like my mother it pains me to death. I also start hating myself, as I put myself down. I don't know who else to call at times, as when nobody picks-up the phone I also don't feel well. I don't do great with never having had the luxury to receive recognition in what I enjoy doing and when I love what I do I've been sabotaged by others, unfortunate happenstance, myself it's always about her and she does not notice. It's like having the same argument over and over again. Then I still don't feel like I am an "adult", it would also not change when I work full time simply because of anger and not being in a relationship. I don't enjoy how the relationship to my family is not enjoyable as I don't feel any pride for them I disliked her arrogance, when I started studying as it proved to her what a good mother she was in her brain. She had to tell everyone I don't like her character she might do good, yet I don't like her character as she is bitter and angry to often and we don't work. I could have called my new friend instead.... I did not think as far... as I dunno I just even with healers and therapist don't find the right one and in my teens I really wanted this libertarian type success. Just abundance with women and a very strong income. I also don't enjoy this co-dependent feeling and silence. Next time I will call a friend it just sucks for me to realize mf family is dead and I am reminded at them ever breath I take because of the scar... I don't enjoy that she always wanted attention and this happy family it really broke me to see how dumb and naive she is for believing I enjoyed it. I felt sorry for her, yet under all of this was a real need I could not fit and I stopped and told her also. Stop greeting me when you come home she still did it. She did it less it was okay, I did not enjoy and to this day how nothing was bought that was more education based... Everything my father did partially and video games for her it was the relationship, which was for me all her friends without her as I enjoyed this as a kid "extended family*. I just so not enjoy how her anger projection and shaming in me and here socially caused a lot of repressed anger. Exercise& meditation breath work etc... I just feel likemy character&or personality that I've been building is lost. I don't know socially at times who I belong to and even with having all segments of humans in mind. I mostly find myself more drawn to outcast and mysterious types. My father really cares about education and my mother just did not care as her duty and then acted like this food stealing habgierige monster laughing in cynecism and jest saying that is not so bad. She legit creates looser that is what I feel my mother is at times a looser creator. I had so many negative mindsets I broke out off, and I am finally done I feel besides anger. I just don't enjoy that I don't receive social credit from humans I loved still at the beginning. I feel utterly betrayed by their egotism and I don't know if I can love any of them. I am also unsatisfied with this emotionally I don't know how I can help me... I don't feel well I terms if just finding support emotionally, I did my best with this rigid devil of a mother, yet she is simply evil negligent and overwhelmed one thing that is true is that she is overwhelmed by me. I don't know I might call Yu next time he is at least there for me... I don't know what I can do in terms of my love life. Liberals are legit all vegan and or degenerate. I stopped again focusing on politics. I don't enjoy my level of intellectual ability especially mathematically and I did very well in this subject till somehow the social sphere just hired harder. As well as I could never receive help from home with homework as my mother was out when I was in the 6th grade... imagine.... I don't the status consciousness etc. Although it's not celebrated to much until the first Tate type of guy joined I hope he leaves. I don't know if I can do any good in the world anymore. I just know I don't do well with stress and lethargy ever since my grandma died. I sleep now... I don't know what to look at and or do for a massive transformation as well as how I can move to the u.s ...

Did 1h meditation. I feel better with this decision of seeing discipline as a gateway to freedom instead of with going with any societal notion of stage blue identities. I notice today, is the last day and I will visualize more sporadically, it does not work very well in a structured way when things are still not there. I get an immense pain alleviation from open-awareness meditation and zen-type of meditation, as this also reduces activity in the insular cortex, and short burts of 5-2 minutes of visualization can be enough to gain skill. This is fundamentally what I did for years, the anger I can channel somewhat outwardly. Give my best to do this now more discipline (today the lazy-way) and look for the structures and audiobooks that help, most stage blue audiobooks do not help, they are just causing pain....1h more work etc. Many do this in tech to get ahead... this is such common practice it's forbidden. Identity shifts are closer to habit transformation. Doing this seeing myself again as a disciplined person is better and doing tasks, and beign in the liberal cam room etc. For some hope etc. The point is there is no short-cut I can change strategies, yet there is no short-cut and my conservative friend is bad in a sense, because he (political middle) for me conservative.... -> as he is simply not disciplined enough and has a very very extremely toxic mindset when it comes to dating "race" etc. It's heavy and it will not stop thanks to toxic blue. He's fine, yet I shut him down in the sense that I do not engage in these topics without the slight "orangeness". It's been sometime since I noticed the flow of discipline. I missed going back to what worked, doing so many new things visualization is okay, just better in bursts and retreats I feel for me. During the day briefly etc. Focusing on skilled activites and delibaretly for exams etc. Otherwise this is great to just reduce the pain perception. It's just helping me immensely and I enjoyed the identity of it, in terms of beign disciplined and hardcore and not some edgelord etc. That is fundamentally it. I will give full power to this. Go to the yoga and schedule these communcal activities and participate in communities that aid me. Next week I go to the lecture again that I am not going to today. I do have to remind myself of higher development and not only lower. I am grateful for new matches with beautiful women. I am grateful I slept with a beautiful arabic girl and that she played around with my scar eye-gazing me and seeing me as a warrior I am grateful that I am in this group for the funs at times and good distraction of what not to do in attracting women I am grateful I can found the conviction back to discipline and the better way to deal with friends etc. and give this a shot, this also helps me somehow with status thinking as I careless and I move on I am grateful for beign still strategic as well as I can. Even when I attract what I want, the amount of pain that I go through inhibits me from consistently engaging in these visualizations, when I can sit crossed-legged and I can train this now as I did not do the operation and will not do it. I might be able to visualize more fully with time, yet now .... it's better to reduce pain this is a survival quality. It's at times already way way way to much. I bet she noticed it also during sex, yet she legit was 1w9 in patience that is serenity.

Psychedelics are awesome when done together with meditation. I believe that efficient meditation systems (like for example Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown), explained in an efficient way, plus Psychedelics (but with coaching from somebody who has walked the path to the end and knows the traps) is the future. Where there is potential, there are (as ususal) also risks and traps. Let's look at Wilbers perspective on the risks and downsides: Main Points from Wilber: The downside comes with people that only use psychedelics or drugs and I found that over the years they just become mean. That somehow it just kind of closes them down it's like you keep doing it and you keep doing it you keep doing it doesn't quite cause the transformation. It can cause a peak experience but generally not a transformative experience and some people like David data will say that you know for altered changes of state to contribute to transformation permanent transformation it has to be basically in endogenous and not exogenous it has to be has your own. See my Endohuasca-Theory and Links to it above. The people that do use both and use it as a sacrament I think an enormous bit out of it. My personal opinion: When you think that the meditation path to make it permanent is not doable for you (for whatever excuse, like genetics) , or seems to unpleasant, maybe you use an inefficient meditation system. Try the one a mentioned above (Pointing Out the Great Way, Brown). I get no roalties or kick-back-paymanents by the way, just love the method/system Agreed, most meditation system on the market have an abysmal "success" rate of Enlightened Ones. But there are some really good ones also. And non of these efficient systems have used Psychedelics + good coaching on top. That is where I believe is the future. Exploring the Multiverse is all nice and important and a wonderful pioneering effort. But as soon as you draw your love/happiness out of the sublime beautiful experiences/understandings, you are playing the same samsaric game of every unenlightened sentient being chasing good emotions to avoid suffering, the usual merry-go-round-cycle. But on a very high level, with quite a show . When psychedelics boost the narcissm/grandiosity of the separate self, well: Best regards from Maya, she just loves you too much to let you go... If you can be "gaslit" on any realization from psychedelics and need to put your foot down: Well, probably the realization of your True Identity (Reality itself) is a bit shaky, or a bit preliminary. The Real Thing can't be shaken. Because You are It, like in "never can not be It". And if you dragged home an alien from I don't know where, and feel like you have become the special-alien-of the day, maybe check if you have received a very seductive love-letter from Maya herself, and consider ordering the Men in Black for the Alien, together with their Flashthing/Neuralyzer that can make you forget: https://meninblack.fandom.com/wiki/Neuralyzer And maybe that Neuralyzer makes you full empty, makes you get rid of the last filters of the separate self, which are just a very very empty, already nondual/mere appearance "feeling" of individuality, a vastly intelligent, potentially "alien" nondual nothing, understanding a lot of the mechanisms of God and the Universe, but still a nothing with the last filter attached to it: Individuality-Arisings (in Wilbers wording, the Transparent Witness, see Religion of the Future), "seeing/looking at" a vast mere appearance Multiverse hovering in Nothingness. So not fully empty yet. And that is the "last few percentage clouds" blocking stable realization, or the sudden Full Enlightenment. Because if the last filters/elements of the separate self go, you can sustain the realization/bliss sobre in daily life.... . Because, if you understood/got rid of all separate self filters IN the psychedelic state, why shouldn't you be able to keep that Realization in daily life? The world gets a shimmering lucid hologram like imagined appearance-illusion-show when you have engaged your Endohuasca-System, which is done with getting rid off these last separate-self elements, see my previous post. At least my experience, and that of countless others in the history of mankind. Why should exactly the Psychedelic-Aficionado not be able to do that? No Endohuasca-system? Well, the receptors in the body seem to be working just fine... Or maybe a different Buddha-Nature? Sorry, just kidding... And if there is no Neuralyzer around, maybe try an efficient meditation system, get to the last stages of Nonmeditation-Yoga (spontaneous automized meditation without a doer still active) And after having used the Neuralyzer or an efficient meditation system, after having looked deeply into the Empty Abyss of your own True Nature/Nothingness, when you are really everything because you are really totally Nothingness (with no 5% clouds remaining), maybe then go hunt for the alien again. But this time, not for getting the love and sweetness of Understanding-experiences or whatever to break the cycle of suffering, but to express the bliss and love of your True Nature that you have then 24/7 going on from your own core. And if one feels gaslit about what I have just written, see the point above: "If you can be "gaslit" on any realization from psychedelics and need to put your foot down: Well, probably the realization of your True Identity (Reality itself) is a bit shaky, or a bit preliminary. The Real Thing can't be shaken. Because You are It, like in never can not be It." And if in doubt: Call these gentlemen, let them take care of the Aliens, look at the Neuralyzer/Flashthing, and get fully empty. But still, the Psychedelic pioneers, facing the unknowns of the Multiverse, exploring Alien intelligences, some even catching an Alien beast or two and dragging them home, going alone boldly to where no one has gone before, facing dangers that nobody else faced before... If there is some material for the movies of the future looking back to our time, where if not there is the true hero's journey to be found... I just hope that they get back from the trips, integrate their experience, get their mindstream awakened all the time, and live happily realized ever after, radiating the love of their own True Being, and maybe even getting the roalties from the upcoming movies of the Psychedelic Heros Journey based on their biography! Bon voyage! In the meantime, It’s for sure one of the most interesting shows on this planet to be seen. At least, it for sure has my attention! Respectfully Yours & mind the possibility of the Bear Manoeuvre in the signature-link below Selling Water by the River

Pickup is natural. Most people don't even have to learn it because they learn it in kindergarten: it is called "play"! If you a hard time, it is most likely because you don't know how to play in the broadest sense of the word. Another word for play is learning. You learn through playing. And this can't be learned from a book. Yes, there is a field called game theory and it can be applied to dating and many other fields. But game in its fundamentals is more of an art than a science. If are not good at playing, the process should be about removing the stuff within yourself that is sabotaging it, rather than adding stuff which makes stuff more clocked up. Creating the right circumstances for play is paramount, which is power rather than force. Play can be forced, rather it must be cultivated which is an art. A lot of pickup material doesn't address this key point. I think pickup stuff is still useful though because they give you some structure, exercises and infields which cuts the learning curve. RSD transformation somewhat focuses on this: letting go of stuff and cleaning up the consciousness so you can be in the now and thus be spontaneous and high energy.

Last week I went to Owens 3 day free tour in Miami and it was an amazing experience. I highly recommend that if you have one of these coming anywhere near you, go to it. I drove 5 hours to it and slept in my car over the weekend and many others there flew from Europe(I probably would only recommend flying out there if you intended on getting some form of bootcamp or mentorship from one of the speakers). The speakers at this event were Sid Samtaney, Marczell Klein, Jeffy, Julien, and Owen. I wrote a lot of notes so Ill try to summarize the key insights I learned from them. Sid: Sid's area of expertise was mergers and acquisitions, building businesses, and dealmaking. One of the most important things he stressed was "In the time it took you to build a 10x business, you could have built a 100x business." He stressed having a personal championship where achieving it will cascade into all other areas of your life. Funnel all your goals into this one championship and identify the key action steps. Then eliminate, delegate, and automate. Realize that its basically impossible to do it all alone, so you need to get a dream team board of directors. Sid became a millionaire in his early 20's in the retirement home industry by having a clear vision he could communicate in less than 30 seconds with passion, authority, and conviction. He worked volume on LinkedIn talking to 100's of possible Board of Directors candidates who could fill the gaps in his knowledge and skill. Since he couldnt offer them any money, he offered equity in the company. He also focused on having a distinct brand. "Dont boil the ocean". Be unique and authentic to polarize people and attract people who genuinely love you. Think about how you will speak, dress; what your hobbies and lifestyle is that will make an imprint on peoples mind. In Sids case, his brand was being an intense adrenaline junkie. He skydives, wingsuits, wrestles alligators, etc. He likes to put himself in adrenaline boosting scenarios to learn how to deal with them. Once you come face to face with death countless times, doing an approach or speaking in front of crowds is effortless. Lastly he talked about checking blindspots. Find your ideal mentors, get coaches, journal, record yourself, have accountability groups. Know the holes in your game/skill/industry so you can ask high quality questions. A good mentor is worth 1000 books and will cut decades off learning curve. Hang out with people who have already arrived at where you want to be at. Have inner circle of A players and cut the bums out. The gap between a 10x business and a 100x business is high quality people. Realize you will have to lose friends on self development journey. "Pigs are not a flying animal" Marczell: Marczell is the self proclaimed best hypnotist in the world. Maybe he is, maybe he isnt, but he genuinely believes it and has supreme confidence in himself. He also became a millionaire in early 20's and he said he did this by just throwing his hat over the fence and buying things that at the time, he couldnt afford so that he would be forced to make the money. He said that spending or giving money can shift your mind to abundance, cheapness is small mindedness and shifts mind to scarcity (Good sales tactic but I also think its a profound truth). Most people are addicted to suffering and poverty like a crack addict. People love not getting what they want, its a parasite running your mind. Marczell can make a lot of money because he doesnt pedestalize it, he kept saying that money is trash and easy to make. Your state runs your entire life so always try to be in a creative, resourceful, and abundant state. Believe that your life is a winning lotto ticket. If you had a winning lottery ticket, you would do anything to cash it in, but people dont do the same with their goals because they dont truly believe they will accomplish them. He asked the room "Who here knows for sure that they are a 10/10 in confidence" maybe 5 people raised their hand, he then said "So the rest of you are 10/10 confident that youre not a 10/10 in confidence" Deep if you think about it. We are so overrun by limiting beliefs and lower paradigm thinking that we are unable to see solutions to our problems You can create a positive change in an instant just like negative change can happen in an instant. A traumatic event like r*pe or a car crash occurs and your body and mind immediately develops fears, beliefs, and emotions about certain things. People get stuck living in pain of past and project into the future. Emotions arent "real" in the sense that they dont allow you to assess life accurately. Emotions are strategies that you can use to help you get to where you want to be. Only focus on positive things in life and project that into the future, you go towards whatever you focus on. Create a crystal clear vision of exactly what you want your lifestyle to look like in health, wealth, relationship, spirituality, etc and think of what emotions you will feel when you achieve that lifestyle. Similar to law of attraction, have a visualization process where you see yourself living that lifestyle and cultivate + deeply feel the emotions that come with that lifestyle. Then take massive action towards your goals while maintaining that abundant state. Jeffy: I loved the way this guy spoke, he was hilarious. He said he was an "encyclopedia and repository of social interaction" and had claimed 30,000 approaches/interactions over the past 15+ years. Key concepts: 1. Outer Projection. Have control over face, voice, body language and understand how it effects communication. 2. Inner Guidance. Dont stifle or filter yourself. Use intelligence and intuition to recognize emotional and physical cues 3. Sick Skills. be energizing, know how to tell stories, know how to never run out of things to say, know how to screen people, know how to coordinate logistics of dates, pulls, afterparties. 4. Have core confidence in your authentic self. You have inherent value and are worth being heard. 5. Conversational skill and technique. Know how to effectively approach, set frame, and escalate 6. Persuasion and Frame control, mentioned it would be valuable to learn aristotelian persuasion logos, pathos, and ethos 7. Conflict communication, know how to deal with assholes at bars, AMOGS. Realize that conflict is highly impersonal and people are just following a script. Remain relaxed, dont get hooked into conflict 8. Leadership, feel into fear and act in spite of it. You never know if people will like your approach, not everybody will like you nor should you want that Some good quotes he dropped were "The quantifiable effect of someone not liking you at the club is virtually zero" "Individual choices gain power in proportion to the larger pool of choices available"- this meant that when you have amazing game, you can purposefully act like a chode/loser to girls and still have them get attracted because they can sense that its a conscious choice and your doing it as a joke. "Realize that everyone is bored, give people something different, exciting, or interesting to stand out" Julien: Owens right hand man. Nowadays Julien focuses a lot on inner game, trauma release, shadow work, self love and letting go. Try and go on some sort of adventure every day to break monotonous routine of groundhogs day, be actor and director of your movie. Realize that all criticism is speculation, projection, and untenable because literally nobody on the planet knows the real you. Its as if every hater is saying "Fuck your blue hair" but you have black hair. Only you can approve or disapprove of yourself. Dont underestimate power of bringing a good vibe. Emphasized the law of state transference. Being authentically yourself requires vulnerability and self love because others will always judge you positively and negatively. The self is always shining through whatever you say or do, you cant fake it or do a gimmick. As children we have limited perception of the world and our authentic self can get stifled because being yourself was threatening to your survival. Your world was your homelife and the classroom and if you were too loud or spoke out or were weird in some way, you risked being ostracized and facing social death. Learn the different situations where your childhood trauma gets triggered. Ask when is your emotional response disproportionate to reality. He gave some shadow questions to help uncover these traumas. 1. Why am I not good enough? 2. Why is success not for me? Why dont I deserve it? 3. Why do I hate myself? 4. Why am I toxic? 5. Why dont my parents love me and why is it my fault? 6. Why dont I deserve love? You have reservoir of trauma that you need to identify and let go of. Most people try to distract themselves when they feel the emotional response of trauma triggers by binging on drugs, alchohol, food, media, gossip, etc. Instead of distracting yourself, you must sit with yourself and deeply feel into it. Emotion is labeling sensations i.e: Fear = racing heartate, butterflies in stomach. Deeply feel the physical sensations that the emotions cause until your ok with them being there and you will find yourself letting go and releasing it. An exercise to try is to immediately get into cold shower and instead of shaking, try to feel ok with the cold sensation, similar to Wim Hoff. Remember your not DOING anything, just simply BEING. Dont try to get rid of it because that is labeling it as negative which creates resistance. Letting go happens through feeling not thinking. Be good enough and completely whole with yourself. Dont create self generated lack. "Ill be complete when I have money, a girlfriend, career success, etc" Its still the same you, no amount of money, success, or hot girls will make you anything other than yourself. Your relationship with the present moment follows you. Most important relationship is one with yourself. If you wouldn't say it to your child, dont say it to yourself. Self love is extremely attractive. Neediness is extremely unattractive, its as if your going to people with your hands behind your back saying "Can you please help me c*m". Realize that you have two hands and can make yourself c*m. Metaphorically of course lol. His program that he had was a scale of transformation. The levels bottom to top were 8. Apathy- giving up, Me vs the world 7. Grief - victimhood, slight hope 6. Fear- scary to get out of victimhood 5. Anger - getting mad at situation in life and having some motivation to change 4. Courage - trying to control life and be at cause rather than effect 3. Desire - chasing and achieving some level of dream life, risk of inflated ego coming into play, many get stuck here 2. Purpose - Living life purpose while helping others as well as yourself 1. Love- Giving tremendous value to others out of love for them, yourself, and universe. Think of where you usually reside and try to shoot for 1-2 levels above, people at grief and fear cant resonate with solutions that come from purpose and love. Other general advice was to create an "ideal avatar" for your perfect partner. List ideal demographics, values, personality, hobbies, interests, attractiveness, type of relationship, etc. Screen when conversing and you will naturally attract this type of person. Look for raw material and not complete perfection. Nobody will meet 100% of criteria but if you see the potential in them, you can throughout the course of a relationship, mold them into ideal partner. For marriage or long term relationship, make 3 lists together. 1. Everything you find physically attractive about partner 2. Everything you find emotionally attractive, like why they are your best friend 3. What you will sacrifice for this relationship. Owen: The man himself. He spoke on a lot of topics so this part may be a little scattered. First he talked about creating the halo effect around you at social events. Do this by talking to everyone at the venue, be an energetic idiot, dont care what others think, engage everyone in group, being completely present. The person who cares the most, is respected the least. Not being heard will cost you millions of dollars, must learn to project your voice so that people can hear you even in a loud nightclub. You get stifled when you speak because you feel like your at the bottom of the social totem pole and dont deserve to be heard. There are no magic words or magic lines, its all in your vibe, body language, confidence, and how you say it. Free associative, unfiltered speaking and saying exactly whats on your mind signals to others that you are confident in yourself and builds halo effect. The way people communicate and project their voice is how their brain is functioning. Believe that you are in control of your state. Believe that you have a valuable, unique perspective on life and that people are interested in what you say. Find more things funny, humor is relieving tension and trauma. People at the club are there to cut loose and laugh, not to be logical. Cultivate humor, presence, and vibe in your daily life. See every interaction as a 1000/10 and see something funny in it. People view you how you view yourself. If you genuinely see yourself as a 11/10 then people will respond accordingly. Ask whether they are good enough for you instead of other way around. Dont burn mental capital worrying about what people think of you, just be the man now instead of waiting for some external validation. Have complete belief and conviction in what you say. He talked about his recent traveling adventures where he visited every national park and major ski resort over the past 3 years. Realize that is so incredibly rare for people under the age of 65 to do. People always say that they'll go travel later, but later never comes, or it does come but theyre too old to really enjoy it. Dont say "do it later", realize that the present moment is as good as it gets. The peak happiness of your life was probably when you were like 10 years old, you must make a conscious decision to initiate new peaks. Even super successful people are on a hamster wheel of success, trapped in a golden jail being the top slave of the week. Its a trap where they make a lot of money but can never really do what they authentically desire. Understand the moment you are in, deeply experience it and make the most of it. YOURE ALREADY DEAD No amount of money can buy the experiences Owen has lived. Money isnt enough, Owen said he is too greedy to put money over experiences and living in the moment. Money is just the foundation you can build an epic life upon. He gave the example of Dr Dre who is now a billionaire. His billions is nothing in comparison to living in the NWA era, being a pioneer in hip hop. The comfort of being a billionaire will never be as good as being broke in the process of building NWA and starting a nationwide movement. The money killed his momentum and arguably "ruined his life" Get clear on what in your life is worth more than money, then structure your life on how to achieve it. Heaven or Hell starts right now. Realize that death is the context of your life. Your life is a profoundly significant experience, it is the Big Moment so appreciate deeply every second of it. How would facing and acknowledging death daily change the way you live your life? Dont spiritually bypass. You cant hide your true desires. Nature finds a way when you deny/repress needs in an unhealthy way. The journey and process to getting your authentic desires will transform you. There was a lot from these speakers that I left out for sake of time and me not wanting to type everything I wrote down but I hope you get at least some value and maybe it will inspire you to go to one of Owens future events

@Phil King I’ve never seen anyone like Ralston in the matter of Consciousness/Enlightenment/Transformation. Also Leo, McKenna and Wilber.

The following is a speech made by XI Jinping to the WEF in January 2022: The world today is undergoing major changes unseen in a century. These changes, not limited to a particular moment, event, country or region, represent the profound and sweeping changes of our times. As changes of the times combine with the once-in-a-century pandemic, the world finds itself in a new period of turbulence and transformation. How to beat the pandemic and how to build the post-COVID world? These are major issues of common concern to people around the world. They are also major, urgent questions we must give answers to. As a Chinese saying goes, "The momentum of the world either flourishes or declines; the state of the world either progresses or regresses." The world is always developing through the movement of contradictions; without contradiction, nothing would exist. The history of humanity is a history of achieving growth by meeting various tests and of developing by overcoming various crises. We need to move forward by following the logic of historical progress, and develop by riding the tide of development of our times. Notwithstanding all vicissitudes, humanity will move on. We need to learn from comparing long history cycles, and see the change in things through the subtle and minute. We need to foster new opportunities amidst crises, open up new horizons on a shifting landscape, and pool great strength to go through difficulties and challenges. First, we need to embrace cooperation and jointly defeat the pandemic. Confronted by the once-in-a-century pandemic, which will affect the future of humanity, the international community has fought a tenacious battle. Facts have shown once again that amidst the raging torrents of a global crisis, countries are not riding separately in some 190 small boats, but are rather all in a giant ship on which our shared destiny hinges. Small boats may not survive a storm, but a giant ship is strong enough to brave a storm. Thanks to the concerted efforts of the international community, major progress has been made in the global fight against the pandemic. That said, the pandemic is proving a protracted one, resurging with more variants and spreading faster than before. It poses a serious threat to people's safety and health, and exerts a profound impact on the global economy. Strong confidence and cooperation represent the only right way to defeat the pandemic. Holding each other back or shifting blame would only cause needless delay in response and distract us from the overall objective. Countries need to strengthen international cooperation against COVID-19, carry out active cooperation on research and development of medicines, jointly build multiple lines of defense against the coronavirus, and speed up efforts to build a global community of health for all. Of particular importance is to fully leverage vaccines as a powerful weapon, ensure their equitable distribution, quicken vaccination and close the global immunization gap, so as to truly safeguard people's lives, health and livelihoods. China is a country that delivers on its promises. China has already sent over two billion doses of vaccines to more than 120 countries and international organizations. Still, China will provide another one billion doses to African countries, including 600 million doses as donation, and will also donate 150 million doses to ASEAN countries. Second, we need to resolve various risks and promote steady recovery of the world economy. The world economy is emerging from the depths, yet it still faces many constraints. The global industrial and supply chains have been disrupted. Commodity prices continue to rise. Energy supply remains tight. These risks compound one another and heighten the uncertainty about economic recovery. The global low inflation environment has notably changed, and the risks of inflation driven by multiple factors are surfacing. If major economies slam on the brakes or take a U-turn in their monetary policies, there would be serious negative spillovers. They would present challenges to global economic and financial stability, and developing countries would bear the brunt of it. In the context of ongoing COVID-19 response, we need to explore new drivers of economic growth, new modes of social life and new pathways for people-to-people exchange, in a bid to facilitate cross-border trade, keep industrial and supply chains secure and smooth, and promote steady and solid progress in global economic recovery. Economic globalization is the trend of the times. Though countercurrents are sure to exist in a river, none could stop it from flowing to the sea. Driving forces bolster the river's momentum, and resistance may yet enhance its flow. Despite the countercurrents and dangerous shoals along the way, economic globalization has never and will not veer off course. Countries around the world should uphold true multilateralism. We should remove barriers, not erect walls. We should open up, not close off. We should seek integration, not decoupling. This is the way to build an open world economy. We should guide reforms of the global governance system with the principle of fairness and justice, and uphold the multilateral trading system with the World Trade Organization at its center. We should make generally acceptable and effective rules for artificial intelligence and digital economy on the basis of full consultation, and create an open, just and non-discriminatory environment for scientific and technological innovation. This is the way to make economic globalization more open, inclusive, balanced and beneficial for all, and to fully unleash the vitality of the world economy. A common understanding among us is that to turn the world economy from crisis to recovery, it is imperative to strengthen macro-policy coordination. Major economies should see the world as one community, think in a more systematic way, increase policy transparency and information sharing, and coordinate the objectives, intensity and pace of fiscal and monetary policies, so as to prevent the world economy from plummeting again. Major developed countries should adopt responsible economic policies, manage policy spillovers, and avoid severe impacts on developing countries. International economic and financial institutions should play their constructive role to pool global consensus, enhance policy synergy and prevent systemic risks. Third, we need to bridge the development divide and revitalize global development. The process of global development is suffering from severe disruption, entailing more outstanding problems like a widening North-South gap, divergent recovery trajectories, development fault-lines and a technological divide. The Human Development Index has declined for the first time in 30 years. The world's poor population has increased by more than 100 million. Nearly 800 million people live in hunger. Difficulties are mounting in food security, education, employment, medicine, health and other areas important to people's livelihoods. Some developing countries have fallen back into poverty and instability due to the pandemic. Many in developed countries are also living through a hard time. No matter what difficulties may come our way, we must adhere to a people-centered philosophy of development, place development and livelihoods front and center in global macro-policies, realize the UN's 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development, and build greater synergy among existing mechanisms of development cooperation to promote balanced development worldwide. We need to uphold the principle of common but differentiated responsibilities, promote international cooperation on climate change in the context of development, and implement the outcomes of COP26 to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. Developed economies should take the lead in honoring their emissions reduction responsibilities, deliver on their commitment of financial and technological support, and create the necessary conditions for developing countries to address climate change and achieve sustainable development. Last year, I put forward a Global Development Initiative at the UN General Assembly to draw international attention to the pressing challenges faced by developing countries. The Initiative is a public good open to the whole world, which aims to form synergy with the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development and boost common development across the world. China stands ready to work with all partners to jointly translate the Initiative into concrete actions and make sure that no country is left behind in this process. Fourth, we need to discard Cold War mentality and seek peaceful coexistence and win-win outcomes. Our world today is far from being tranquil; rhetorics that stoke hatred and prejudice abound. Acts of containment, suppression or confrontation arising thereof do all harm, not the least good, to world peace and security. History has proved time and again that confrontation does not solve problems; it only invites catastrophic consequences. Protectionism and unilateralism can protect no one; they ultimately hurt the interests of others as well as one's own. Even worse are the practices of hegemony and bullying, which run counter to the tide of history. Naturally, countries have divergences and disagreements between them. Yet a zero-sum approach that enlarges one's own gain at the expense of others will not help. Acts of single-mindedly building "exclusive yards with high walls" or "parallel systems", of enthusiastically putting together exclusive small circles or blocs that polarize the world, of overstretching the concept of national security to hold back economic and technological advances of other countries, and of fanning ideological antagonism and politicizing or weaponizing economic, scientific and technological issues, will gravely undercut international efforts to tackle common challenges. The right way forward for humanity is peaceful development and win-win cooperation. Different countries and civilizations may prosper together on the basis of respect for each other, and seek common ground and win-win outcomes by setting aside differences. We should follow the trend of history, work for a stable international order, advocate common values of humanity, and build a community with a shared future for mankind. We should choose dialogue over confrontation, inclusiveness over exclusion, and stand against all forms of unilateralism, protectionism, hegemony or power politics. Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, Last year, the Communist Party of China (CPC) celebrated the 100th anniversary of its founding. Through a century of tenacious struggle, the CPC has rallied and led the Chinese people in accomplishing remarkable achievements in the advancement of the nation and betterment of people's lives. We have realized a moderately prosperous society in all respects and won the battle against poverty, both according to plan, and found a historic solution to ending absolute poverty. Now, China is marching on a new journey of building a modern socialist country in all respects. -- China will stay committed to pursuing high-quality development. The Chinese economy enjoys a good momentum overall. Last year, our GDP grew by around eight percent, achieving the dual target of fairly high growth and relatively low inflation. Shifts in the domestic and international economic environment have brought tremendous pressure, but the fundamentals of the Chinese economy, characterized by strong resilience, enormous potential and long-term sustainability, remain unchanged. We have every confidence in the future of China's economy. "The wealth of a country is measured by the abundance of its people." Thanks to considerable economic growth, the Chinese people are living much better lives. Nonetheless, we are soberly aware that to meet people's aspiration for an even better life, we still have much hard work to do in the long run. China has made it clear that we strive for more visible and substantive progress in the well-rounded development of individuals and the common prosperity of the entire population. We are working hard on all fronts to deliver this goal. The common prosperity we desire is not egalitarianism. To use an analogy, we will first make the pie bigger, and then divide it properly through reasonable institutional arrangements. As a rising tide lifts all boats, everyone will get a fair share from development, and development gains will benefit all our people in a more substantial and equitable way. -- China will stay committed to reform and opening-up. For China, reform and opening-up is always a work in process. Whatever change in the international landscape, China will always hold high the banner of reform and opening-up. China will continue to let the market play a decisive role in resource allocation, and see to it that the government better plays its role. We will be steadfast in consolidating and developing the public sector, just as we are steadfast in encouraging, supporting and guiding the development of the non-public sector. We will build a unified, open, competitive and orderly market system, where all businesses enjoy equal status before the law and have equal opportunities in the marketplace. All types of capital are welcome to operate in China in compliance with laws and regulations, and play a positive role for the development of the country. China will continue to expand high-standard opening-up, steadily advance institutional opening-up that covers rules, management and standards, deliver national treatment for foreign businesses, and promote high-quality Belt and Road cooperation. With the entry into force of the Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership Agreement (RCEP) on 1 January this year, China will faithfully fulfill its obligations and deepen economic and trade ties with other RCEP parties. China will also continue to work for the joining of the Comprehensive and Progressive Agreement for Trans-Pacific Partnership (CPTPP) and the Digital Economy Partnership Agreement (DEPA), with a view to further integrating into the regional and global economy and achieving mutual benefit and win-win results. -- China will stay committed to promoting ecological conservation. As I have said many times, we should never grow the economy at the cost of resource depletion and environmental degradation, which is like draining a pond to get fish; nor should we sacrifice growth to protect the environment, which is like climbing a tree to catch fish. Guided by our philosophy that clean waters and green mountains are just as valuable as gold and silver, China has carried out holistic conservation and systematic governance of its mountains, rivers, forests, farmlands, lakes, grasslands and deserts. We do everything we can to conserve the ecological system, intensify pollution prevention and control, and improve the living and working environment for our people. China is now putting in place the world's largest national parks system. Last year, we successfully hosted COP15 to the Convention on Biological Diversity, contributing China's share to a clean and beautiful world. Achieving carbon peak and carbon neutrality are the intrinsic requirements of China's own high-quality development and a solemn pledge to the international community. China will honor its word and keep working toward its goal. We have unveiled an Action Plan for Carbon Dioxide Peaking Before 2030, to be followed by implementation plans for specific sectors such as energy, industry and construction. China now has the world's biggest carbon market and biggest clean power generation system: the installed capacity of renewable energy has exceeded one billion kilowatts, and the construction of wind and photovoltaic power stations with a total installed capacity of 100 million kilowatts is well under way. Carbon peak and carbon neutrality cannot be realized overnight. Through solid and steady steps, China will pursue an orderly phase-down of traditional energy in the course of finding reliable substitution in new energy. This approach, which combines phasing out the old and bringing in the new, will ensure steady economic and social development. China will also actively engage in international cooperation on climate and jointly work for a complete transition to a greener economy and society

I read that maybe he didn't exist, but he's like a legendary figure created to bring together fragments of wisdom from various masters. anyway, the book is very inspiring I think that true understanding is reality understanding itself. reality perfectly understand itself, but it has stop doing because it is immersed in a finite experience in which it is interacting with an apparent exterior. in order to do this, he transforms his infinite understanding into finite understanding. There are people in whom this transformation is completely solid, without fissures. others in which it has not been completely carried out and navigate between two waters. they need time to understand the finite because their mind is still open to the infinite. this normally produces suffering, but it can be directed towards full understanding.

Before Actualized.org Communication: very passive and introverted. Relationship: I afraid of relationship, my friend is few. I am the weird guy. Public speaking: Full of anxiety. Emotional: Lot of trauma, brain fog etc. Happiness: Ups and down. Any happiness comes from desire, which is not consistent. Dating: I am on the nice boy side. After 4 years on Actualized.org Communication: on the extroverted side. Relationship: I am not afraid of relationship. My relationship with all people be more deeper and satisfying. I have lots of friend. Public speaking: I dont have anxiety. My co-worker said that I am suit to become public speaker. Emotional: Its all much more, more more clear. Big trauma solved. My emotion is more like steel. Addiction is gone. Happiness: My happiness level is constant. Its not full sage bliss but hey I never feel much better than this Dating: Authentic and confident, detached. I am not watching how to get laid rn haha. On spiritual side, I am not too much into it right now. My transformation really kicked off in year three when I invested $35 in Leo's booklist. Reading and learning from those books was a game-changer for me, and I was able to make rapid progress. Some topics just clicked better when I read about them, you know? Looking back, I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I hadn't discovered Leo's videos when I was feeling so down in 2019. Thank you for your threads, remind me that its been 4 years!

So i think I’ve got a lot to process still and I saw myself avoiding it yesterday and I feel that’s not what has been working for me. When I’m being vulnerable and open is when I saw hidden insights that I wasn’t able to notice so I want to continue to stop avoiding my past experiences and even my responses at the time was what needed to happen for me to get messages and also for me to re contextualice my first impressions. But I am going to start with the dream I had last night… lol… I know I’m more comfortable working my way through this process. So I had a pretty vivid dream last night. When I was dreaming I thought it was actually happening… and it wasn’t until I woke up did I realize I was dreaming. It wasn’t long but I’m going to try to remember what I can… and what I was feeling… so I was in my bed.. but it seemed like I had sat up and I was waiting for something… almost like if I I was in ceremony and I’m patiently waiting for a message to come through… almost as if I was waiting for it to kick in. It did seem like almost like a dmt experience I don’t know how to explain it but I started to look down onto the bed and the patterns were moving but not to extremes slowly moving and it also seemed like my body.. or at least from my view point it started to move upward is how I can describe it. And it was as if I was adjusting back to the original point of focus and it continued to move upwards… I sat back up and my cat jumped onto my bed and was sitting next to me. He wasn’t really interacting with me but he was just present with me. All of a sudden I seemed to have laid down on my stomach as if I was hanging my head over the bed so I was upside down… my hair was falling to the ground… I was in this position for a little bit and then my body started to shake… that’s why i felt like I was awake because I could feel my body shaking which it might’ve been I don’t know but this happens when I’m in ceremony… this is something happens when I say I become the shamana… It’s like I’m waiting for my consciousness to connect and I tend to move my body and try to open up myself to allow the process to come in and allow the transformation… I don’t usually have this shaking happen in ceremonies but usually i do have a rocking that’s there until I just know that the transition has happened and then I automatically know I’m ready.. I’ve become the shamana… and that feeling happened in the dream…lol… I just didn’t know what I was going to do next or what the message I was going to be experiencing which again I’m familiar with when I’m in ceremony… lol… I seem to move differently when I’m in that state as well… it’s like I’m an acrobat… lol… I’m not sure how to give the picture of how unusual my movements gets but in the dream I found myself doing my…lol… my style of go to masturbation style… lol.. and I was rolling backwards and trying it in different positions… I was really consumed into it and I remember the rocking movement… and that’s when I found that the movement was being felt, but the actual pressure I place on myself that allows for pleasure.. that wasn’t being felt.. and that’s when I woke up in my bed and realized it was a dream. I went ahead and did the masturbation rocking motion with the pressure and it felt good but it was quick and I was still tired but I thought it was interesting because I haven’t really had that happen before. I feel back to sleep fairly quickly but when I was going back to sleep I noticed how much my breath was.. I was breathing heavier and my body was a little more electrified a bit. But it didn’t take long until I was back to sleep… lol… it’s actually been a while since I’ve remembered one of my dreams. I believe I’ve already said that for most of my life it was as if I couldn’t remember after I wake up. I was going through long periods of remembrance when I started this isolation period. I was recording almost daily and i know I was focusing on trying to remember and it seemed easier. That’s when I was noticing images before I fell asleep. I’m just wondering if I should go ahead and try to return to this technique to build it up more frequently. So I decided to write earlier in the day today… so I can better prepare myself at night to be more conscious of remembering my dreams of even images before I fall to sleep. I know I’d like to explore those states of consciousness more… I’m curious how I can learn from them too. Another thing that comes to mind about this specific dream… I had thought about possibly doing some solo bufo ceremonies. There has been several times where bufo gets me into a state of unconditional love for myself. Sometimes it’s like I’m falling in love with myself and regardless of how I feel about my beauty I’d say physically in my waking state… when I’m in ceremony… none of that continues and I’m absolutely grateful and excited with the physical body I have. But I had thought possibly this could be a way to find more ways to feel more comfortable on how to masturbate. It’s just been something I thought about, but I feel there’s a deeper part of me that’s like… give it a try… this might be something to explore. i did try a ceremony during the holiday season with myself and it was more emotional and it was purging feelings about my spiritual lover. It was more of me longing to be able to communicate with him on a direct style… I get so many messages about him and I also seem to communicate with him but I feel its more like his higher self or his spiritual self… it’s hard for me to explain… but they get really deep and intimate so much so in the past I’d reach out to him in this waking world… and I’d see that that’s not who I’m dealing with yet… lol… I believe that’s why I was introduced to tarot. I didn’t realize many of this community has similar experiences. I’ve always been curious because I get so many messages about him in ceremony and so I like to ask others who are part of the Aya community if they’ve received similar messages… involving their love partner… I felt I couldn’t be the only one who experiences ceremony this way.. lol… I was hoping… but there’s only been two shamans that have said they’ve gotten messages of who their love partner was. I feel again because there is language difference that we weren’t able to go into details, but I did get the feeling that they weren’t talking about getting messages of somebody they didn’t know.. but it was that specific person. Lol… when I was going through my dieta… I was telling my shaman how frequent and how intense I receive these messages about him. In fact it felt like the shaman could sense when I was getting these messages, and it was as if he was getting jealous or annoyed when they happened. Again we communicate differently in ceremony and there are subtleties that can’t be ignored while we sharing ceremonies together. I noticed he would clear his throat to get my attention again… for me to focus on his Icaros which is his guidance. And many times I’d snap back into focusing on what he’s trying to help me with… but then there were other times… that I just love bathing in my spiritual lovers essence that I just continue to involve myself in those moments longer… lol… there was one ceremony that is popping up. I was abruptly refocusing back onto my shaman when I was communicating with my spiritual lover… i was giggling because I was telling him… we’ll have to wait until after the ceremony to reconnect. And I was back to focusing on my shaman.. but a little while longer there was a moment of silence… maybe it was during a break between Icaros… there’s time to process and relax before proceeding on… and I started to hear noises that were being made around the malo a… I could hear dripping rain it seemed on the roof… at first it sounded random, but then I could hear a pattern starting… lol… i felt like it was like a morse code…lol… to me it felt like my partner was trying to get my attention and I continued to giggle because for awhile it was as if I was trying to be a diligent student with the shaman but I was distracted because he was trying to get my attention to focus on him too… it was who should I choose to put my focus on… lol… after awhile I gave into my spiritual lover again. I don’t know how many times my spiritual lover and I have had this similar conversation. It’s like he’s finally realizing who we are for each other. And he’s always surprised it’s me…lol..I always have to explain that I know I’m not somebody you would choose, but for some reason we just fit… we work together in a really deep way. When we’re having these conversation I’m always asking him who else can you can connect in this manner? Lol.. I know he thinks I’m a looney tune most of the time… so I could see how hard it would be for him to see me other than that. It’s not like he’s hateful to me, but it’s like he doesn’t know if he should trust me. The shit that I receive and am able to admit to him… i know it sounds crazy to me so of course it’s obvious it’s crazy to him too…lol… but I cannot help myself from being as honest and vulnerable as I can with him. I’ve definitely stopped expressing so much when we communicate. I know how uncomfortable he gets. I try to keep it more of a professional level… he is really involved with his spirituality and his process and he does podcasts which I find interesting… at first i couldn’t help but respond to his videos… lol… and most of the time it was pointing out things that wasn’t how my messages have been guiding me towards. I’d try to find a balance of stating things I can relate to but also things I couldn’t relate to. At first he didn’t really think I was into spirituality as deep as he is and especially because I use techniques that make him uncomfortable. lol… it’s funny because we met in an Aya retreat, but he doesn’t find psychedelics as a valid approach to spirituality. It doesn’t make sense to me how he could disregard it. But I also know his experience wasn’t the same as mine though either. So it’s ok if we don’t get the same value out of technique, but to completely disregard it was irksome to me… lol… i don’t respond anymore and when I’m curious I’ll listen to his podcast from time to time, but I’m noticing I’m trying to get space from him too. I’ve been trying to get space while I integrate… and I feel like I’m doing a good job and then once I get back into ceremony it’s like… you can’t ignore this.. this is part of your lessons and I’m going to have to accept it. In ceremony… I love get these moments to connect and receive, but I’m always tempted to reach out to him afterwards or even during… sometimes I can handle my communications in a manner that’s easier for him to receive, bu sometimes I lose my finesse…lol… dealing with messages about him has been far more complicated than I’d ever be able to explain. And admittedly at times I felt it was more of a curse than a blessing. Lol… I remember when I started getting the messages and when we were starting to connect… it all seemed like it was going to falling to place so perfectly and easily. I was so certain… lol… but when we continued our communications there was so much baggage we were both dealing with that it was obvious it wasn’t going to be so easy or as quickly as I’d hoped. And then the following year was all these patience messages… lol… not only with him but in my life in general… I need to learn more and more patience. when I first heard them I thought… oh I can be patient that won’t be too hard… lol… but I didn’t realize it was going to be like a decade of patience they were talking about… lol… wow… it’s almost been six years and i don’t know if the messages would’ve said… hey… this is how it’s going to go. If you want this spiritual lover and be able to experience and share this love with him… you’ll have to wait a decade… if you don’t want to put the work and time into this then you can settle for other romantic relationships and patience wouldn’t be needed… I don’t know what I would’ve chosen… lol… I’ve been battling these messages because I only get my truth in ceremony but in the physical interactions was showing proof that wasn’t being verified by my messages…. So I’d always question… is this even true? Am I just deluding myself? He doesn’t seem to even want to really give me a chance… and there’s qualities about him that I couldn’t ignore either… is this truly my match? How can we work if he doesn’t value the same things I value? It’s crazy because we have similar values in a broad sense, but how we approach these values are different… I find the differences interesting and he finds the differences as impossible to accept… at least that’s what I’m gathering logically… lol.. again he might just be my muse. He might be one of the main catalysts for my growth, but he might not be the relationship I’m going to be able to attract in this physical experience. It’s challenging because again…. I couldn’t really find anyone to relate to in this situation until I found the twin flame community of tarot… and I’m not really tied to this definition… I have my own opinion about the meaning I have gathered… but it’s close and I can relate… and of course we have so many degrees to each community. Many of them will get frustrated in the waiting process and says go and find a soul mate… someone who will not challenge so much… someone who can be easier and who I can settle with. I even tried to attempt it in my weird ways… but I cannot see how I can ignore this connection? How could I respect myself and another partner when I have such deep emotions and curiosity about this spiritual lover? I just feel like it’s fair to them or myself. That’s why everyone is automatically friendzoned… lol.. literally I don’t entertain having romantic relationships, because if I’m completely honest with myself… I don’t have the desire to… there’s only one person who attracts that desire in me. Even though we aren’t connected physically…. The connection we have spiritually is so satisfying…lol… and at once very frustrating… lol… but again… I caved when I thought I was going to die… and when I caved all I could think about is… I should’ve died without experiencing this… lol… I’d rather have my fantasies of my spiritual lover then to experience such an intimate experience with anyone else. Just because we aren’t in the physical doesn’t mean I’m unhappy either. I’m so excited about where I am and how far I’ve come and how driven I am to continue to explore deeper and deeper and learn deeper and deeper. I don’t know but maybe I’ll receive a message in ceremonies that will break the ties between us… release me from my muse, because I’ve developed to the extent of not having to have a muse anymore. Ok… this leading me into Bhakti yoga. I have many guides leading me at times… and I want to express this and I think going back to my manual has a good way of putting it and so I’ll use this as a reference. I want to take a walk and do some self attention today too.. so I’ll try to get through this so I can do that.. lol.. so I’m referencing the book, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Sayananda Sarawati again. lol.. It’s one of the books that I kept and it’s fascinating how the words continue to be understood in deeper levels as I reread at different states of consciousness. But I did entertain the idea that I was drawn to my spiritual lover as a source to use Bhakti practices… even though this was subtle it was still influencing me. Ok so what’s Bhakti yoga? “Bhakti yoga is the yoga of love and devotion… Bhakti comes from the root bhaja, which means ‘to adore’, ‘serve’, ‘love’, ‘to be devoted’. And this is exactly what Bhakti yoga is all about. It is the path of devotion. The word Bhakti comes from the same root and means ‘a person who practices Bhakti yoga, who feels devotion’. (Pg 445)” I didn’t know I was drawn to this style of practice.. this practice of devotion. Honestly I hadn’t felt this type of devotion before towards someone.. and it was challenging to accept it but I was still drawn to it at the same time. I’m wanting to dig deeper, but I’m also feeling like I can use a break… so maybe I’ll just go ahead and at least take the walk that I wanted and see where that leads. I might go ahead and do the other practices too while I’m at it… but I read a little of the manual and again.. I was seeing things I didn’t see before and I’m interested in exploring it a little deeper. Lol… maybe I can continue without leading me to another 4 am sleep time… but I guess I don’t know… I’ll just let it flow how it’s going to go. For now… let’s take a break.

@Thought Art I agree with this perspective, because there's an order of operations, hierarchy and sequence of events that sometimes need to be acknowledged at least, and sometimes maintained. I also see this issue with capitalism versus communism and socialism, to me it's important that a country has at least implemented capitalistic economies first, secure good regulated markets and a trade system of imports and exports, before we implement socio economics modals. We can't just skip capitalism completely and the means of production and business and commerce and expect that we end up having a flourishing altruistic socialism based country, you need securities beforehand for not just selfishness from other foreign countries but also selfishness in different parts of the system. Similar with the transgender issue, a person must master being feminine and masculine, good mix of qualities from both, grounded, before going full trans, at the very least to think carefully before going the full transformation. Of course, many assumptions being made here, and I'm oversimplifying the complicated processes of the person and other psychological issues, which is why we need that report of the ratio of transgender ideology versus innate gender dysphoria. Maybe our future going forward in humanity, is radical transhumanism, maybe we evolve to be hermaphrodites via gene modifications and cybernetics and alien DNA splicing? Who knows.

Renunciation is a valid option, haha. In tibetan buddhism they say. If you encounter a poisinous plant you can either. Avoid it altogether (Renunciation) Transform poison into medicine (path of a healer, alchemist, tantric, hard to explain...) Or observe it's nature to be empty and be a buddha Honestly the observing thing is the most dificult and i failed at it many times myself. I was kinda suggesting the way of transformation rather...

@Jannes You mentioned how your father is scientifically minded. The first book that came to mind for me is Entheogenic Liberation: Unraveling the Enigma of Nonduality with 5-MeO-DMT Energetic Therapy by Martin W. Ball, Ph.D. Dr. Ball’s framework is that of what he calls “The Entheological Paradigm.” It is a philosophical framework that focuses on the use of entheogens, or substances that generate the experience of god within, as a means of exploring consciousness, spirituality, personal growth, and understanding and integrating these experiences into one’s own life. While it recognizes that entheogens can be powerful tools for personal growth and spiritual exploration, it also acknowledges the risks and potential dangers associated with their use. It emphasizes the importance of responsible use and proper preparation, including setting intentions, creating a safe and supportive environment, and working with experienced guides or facilitators. The entheological paradigm also acknowledges the potential for entheogens to facilitate healing and transformation on both an individual and collective level. It encourages individuals to approach these experiences with openness, curiosity, and reverence, and to integrate the insights gained into their daily lives. The Entheological Paradigm is a complete analysis of reality, of the integrated and interrelated expressions of a unitary energy being - otherwise known as God. Dr. Ball’s focus is leaned more towards 5-MeO-DMT … however, his framework with entheogens can be applied when working with any psychoactive compound. I’m so incredibly grateful I read this book early on and wasn’t washed into all the spiritual woo-woo and ego-projection that is present in the psychedelic community at large.

@Jannes I'm currently reading "LSD psychotherapy" from Stanislav Grof (available in German). It's an amazing book. It outlines all risks (and potential complications) and benefits of the therapeutic use of lsd and thus psychedelics in general. It's scientific but also touches on the transcendental. I've also read "the way of the psychonaut" by the same author, which is mind-blowing, but contains more "woo woo" stuff and is much thicker (2 books of 350+ pages). Lsd psychotherapy outlines a process of transformation going from the biographical level to the perinatal (birth related) to the transpersonal level (like past life experiences etc). Of course it's a bit unfortunate that it has "psychotherapy" in the title, like you're suggesting to your father that he needs therapy. But an amazing read for sure!

I felt wispered back to this realm, over the past week. First I looked at Leo's blog, & and was elated to see that it's been a decade; freaking phenomenal! (feel free to laugh at / with me)... During the blog absorbtion, I really focused on the repeating pattern, about 40 years of contemplation. I'm stoked to do this with you all, but again, with mindfullness, I found myself so envious of the teens in this community... Luckily, starting this adventure in mid-life, means that I can *likely finish my 40 years of musing within this human experience... @Leo GuraCongrats! Don't worry about our perceptions of your progression I still love your style, even when it's harsh The cocoon metaphor is a really good one, I can visualize that it would be sticky, chaotic, and turbulent in there for sure... as some cells choose to die off, while others transmute to imaginal form... like shedding: limiting beliefs, bad habits, dogmas, etc & while choosing: oneness, limitlessness, love, etc. I've used the butterfly in visual mantra, but tend to neglect the importance of the turbulence & how absolutely magical the chaos of transformation can be... even when it feels uncomfortable... Woah, I just found a "happy-decade-aversary" pic showing a time-lapse inside a cocoon... it's looks more like an energetic flow; more like an Alex Grey painting than the sticky chaotic mess that I was expecting!... it reminds me of similar images showing transformation in the mind with neuroplasticity. The tittle of this image is "metamorphosis revealed" , that really suits Leo's journey, and how it's been is expressed to us over these 10 years

I agree that Connor is not shallow, the dude has more guts than most. He really went for it, he went all in and there's big risk involved in doing that. But if no one ever commited like he did we would be nowhere near where we are today. He's a mad scientist, although he did fly too close to the sun and burnt himself quite a bit, he seems to have recovered pretty well. And although he's a pretty weird dude, nothing less should be expected for someone who underwent the journey he undertook. His journey is an interesting example of a completely unexpected life transformation, revealing that Connor is in fact not a shallow guy but a pretty deep and strange guy, that's what's underneath the bodybuilding youtuber surface.

@Girzo connor murphy is no random dude. He had a video of over 60 Million views and he had one of the most materialistic anti spiritual fanbase you can have. But he went all in into spirituality and shocked everyone. I have over 10 years spiritual developement behind. Connor murphy shared some great insights about Transformation no other book or youtuber has shown and I watched them all. Just saying But hey, for you he is just a random crazy dude. It's shallow but fine by that

Ok.. before I move on from the last topic I didn’t mention that I did get a chance to briefly talk to the minister after service. I felt like I did when I was talking to the ladies after their session in Peru… I wanted to talk to him but everyone likes to give each other hand shakes and say hello. So there’s a little social time. He made his way around and I did over hear a little bit of the conversation of a man to the minister… something about the coffee pot.. he had something similar that happened to him… I was chuckling a little to myself but I didn’t pry too much. I was making my way around and found myself sitting and observing. I feel comfortable in that position most of the time… lol… he made his way to me and we shook hands and I said I enjoyed his service. I told him I visit several churches while I travel… it’s actually nice to visit a service who speak in English. I get a better idea of what the conversation is. He laughed… well maybe soon our services will be in Swahili soon… In the last year they grew their congregation to double their size from immigrants from Africa… many many children… many of the adults do not know English well.. and the children are learning quickly because of school. We agreed we love to learn new languages so he’s up for the challenge if that’s what needs to happen. He’s a modest man… and he wants to get to know me more… this is my third time in service. He asked… I don’t remember.. what do you do for work? I told him I’m not working right now. I told him I was traveling around Peru for 8 months last year.. and I’ve got a lot to process so I’m still processing what I experienced. I said actually… I found it interesting in your service when talking about Jesus’s death and resurrection… I had a similar experience in my spiritual practices which is why I need time to process. He said oh… that’s interesting. He asked if I speak Spanish. I said I’m learning… in fact I enjoyed having a Spanish conversation with your daughter last time. He said yes both of his kids are learning quickly. That’s when another lady joined our conversation. She said your daughter is just too intelligent for her own good… I laughed… I said she’s not too intelligent… she’s perfect! She realized what she said and she said… yes that’s true… it’s not a bad thing she’s so intelligent… she just needs to adjust herself on the idea of how intelligent children are. We all chuckled and by this time my grandma was ready to leave… So I said it was nice to see everyone again… until next time. And maybe I’ll have more time to have a conversation. Again… he’s a young minister and I enjoy how he approaches his service and they have him leading the children in their congregation… and his children are brilliant young lights… so he’s going to be a leader here. I’d like to get to know him more and see if we can find a way to teach each other even if we have different approaches… we’re spiritual workers… so we’ll be able to find ways to communicate and understand and learn from each other. If it happens to continue in that direction or not. My little buddy and I are more lovey dovey lately… He goes through different swings in his mood… he had a few days where he was wanting to be by himself… and today and yesterday… he’s been laying on me and wanting me to love on him more… I try different things to see if I can put him in situations where he won’t feel like he wants to run away… that he’ll just stick with me and allow me to love on him. So he was on lying his front paws and his head on my abdomen area… and he was purring and loving on it. And then I thought maybe I can pull the covers over us. Again normally he would instantly get up and get out from under the covers. This time… he was too relaxed and unconcerned that he allowed me to continue petting him while he payed there. I used my other hand to hold the covers up so it wasn’t wrapping around his body. After a while I did drop the hand but tried to create a little gap around his head… he let it continue a little longer but then he got up to get out from under the covers. I’m just trying to get him to trust me more… and have him enjoy me loving on him… even if I might have things he’s not used to liking… but I try a little here and there… and it’s good to see a positive progress. Small moments of improvement is rewarding with me and my little guy. Yes he’s trusting more, but he also sees that when he’s ready to get out.. I won’t stop him… so again building trust. Hmmm… I want to jump back to the spiritual worker. I’ve been trying to find a way to let people know what I do with my time… lol… I’ve tried to say I follow where my spirituality leads… maybe spiritual worker might work… or just being spiritual. Lol… I don’t see I have to do something specific that is separate from what I do… I’m continually deepening my spirituality. But many people assume I mean I’m religious and I’m a Christian… lol.. that’s just where my environment seems to be drawn towards. Can i just say I’m learning myself more…. Lol… I’m learning my relationship with existence deeper. That’s what I do… The activities I participate in I’m learning to enjoy and appreciate having this opportunity but I do find that I try to process what these activities I’m learning about my relationship to existence. I know most people ask what do I do… most people want to know how I make money…. Lol.. I’m reminded of a previous conversation with a gentleman at an art party… lol. It was the first time we had met and he asked me what do I do… I was a little sassy at that moment so I asked… what are you really asking? Are you asking what inspires me to live or what activities do I participate in to make money? My spirituality inspires me to live life and I find myself in ceremonies in the jungle to get guidance on how to continue to inspire me to live authentically and freely. When it comes to making money… I do anything that happens to come into my existence when I need to make money to find ways to find more inspiration for my spirituality… lol. He didn’t know how to respond. I assume that he’s already been informed by the other guests that I use Aya… and they assume I’m a woo-woo idealist… who has no understanding of the real world which is full of suffering and hate. I know what I put myself in when I go to these gatherings. In fact when I first started going I didn’t realize this was the case. They advertise it as an art group and they call it a no woe group. So I took it as face value… I found amazing, creative, and brilliant individuals. I love hearing about their passions. What I didn’t know is that they like to get together and drink and smoke so by the end of the night most of their conversation is complaining about how much life sucks. Well at first I’m sitting there trying to convince them… the world does not suck… life is great.. and so they will tell all the stories and situations where life is not great.. and why it sucks. I’d sit there and try to give my stories and situations where it doesn’t suck. At this time I didn’t know I was able to lose my energy engaging in situations like this. First of all… it was like one versus let’s say ten. I as the newcomer did not have the same ideas that they did… so they all had to convince me that I was wrong and that I should understand their group think. I continued to go at first because they were very interesting people… but I continued to feel drained when I left. I even asked another of my girlfriends to join me and I warned her and she didn’t understand until again near the end of the night and this happens every time… they all get into that mode of complaining. She said oh my goodness… that is draining. I apologized to her but I was thinking i was exaggerating… I guess i wanted to confirm from someone else that I wasn’t crazy… lol… well I stopped going to the group gatherings. Now there were a few that I was able to hangout with without the group and our engagements didn’t get to that point. They were enjoyable. I went to one of the gatherings earlier this year… I was curious to see if anything is different. Of course I was hopeful, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. They still liked to gather and complain… but they’re fun and charismatic too so they don’t make it obvious… they are very slick… it’s kind of fun to see how they have conversations with people they might not be facing. It seems like they’re having a one on one conversation… but there conversation is for the whole group to hear. So I have adapted to their style of subtlety. I know it makes people uncomfortable that I don’t find it satisfying grinding a job I don’t enjoy. Many people are grinding in this manner so when they hear someone who chooses not to be a part of the grind… it pisses them off. That’s what they like to complain about… well shit… she’s not part of the grind and so she doesn’t want to sit here and bitch with us… well that’s not along the story i continue to tell myself… I can’t keep saying I have to grind and complain… I can see she doesn’t want to do that… but because I haven’t experienced anything different than I’m going to accuse her that she really can’t overcome this. They haven’t been able to… so no one else can do it. Now honestly I had to work out of the grind, right. I’ve definitely been in that cycle of grinding and complaining. I just couldn’t live with myself with the constant complaining without making changes. I reached a spot where I was just grinding for only half the year… lol… So when I found the little mountain village where tourist season was around 5-6 months… I found that opportunity to travel after the season. I started with one month, then two months, then four months, and finally then eight months. There it was… I was attempting to just be inspired to live life. I didn’t know where it would lead or how long it would be… I just wanted to get a taste of how that feels like. My conditioning stumble through so I tried a few positions to make money when I returned, but again obvious it was not what was right for me… like I’ve said I needed time for isolation to understand the transformation I went through… am going through. I’m back here in my unsuspecting sanctuary… but why here? Not only is it a sanctuary, but this is where many of my conditioning was caged too. I know it’s helping me heal… by giving me time to focus my attention on the changes I have, but I also need to uncreate the conditions placed upon me unconsciously… so I have to unravel this. And this cage can become comfortable especially since change is unknown… but I know I’m working my way to break free from this cage. This is making me feel about my personal journal I was writing in my isolation. I was comparing this experience as the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly. I’ll look at this again. So most of my life I was this caterpillar. My vision was limited and it was an effort to look around from one direction to another… but mostly I walked in a straight line… at times I would decide to walk in a new direction but it was in a straight line but it was a different path. When I found myself in ceremony in my mind it’s like I didn’t know but existence told me it’s time to go into my chrysalis. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t really know why it was time, but even in ceremony I had visions of being in my chrysalis. I had visions of even shedding my old skins like a snake. Both applied to my understanding… I was outgrowing my old self and becoming a new version of me. I had several occasions where I found myself still in the chrysalis… I even thought… when am I going to be a butterfly? Well… it took me four years inside that chrysalis… my caterpillar self has to literally die before I could transform into the butterfly. That’s what I experienced in a sense during my ceremonies of the Awakening. But I found out that I just don’t automatically know how to be a butterfly though. This is something I haven’t experienced yet.. so how do I continue when all I remember is being a caterpillar? I knew that my stage of the metamorphosis I was in… is the butterfly trying to escape the chrysalis… this barrier I created to protect myself when i was a caterpillar. It wasn’t created to stop me, but the process of breaking though I need to get strength in my new body of awareness to escape from my past protection. I don’t need that protection anymore. As I’m in this chrysalis it’s not as easy to break through as I might have one thought. I could even admit that it would be nice if someone outside my chrysalis could see me struggling inside trying to escape. Can someone help me escape? Well again if anyone other then the butterfly interferes with the escape… the butterfly didn’t build enough strength to survive after the assistance. So no… no one else can assist me really… I have to build my strength to escape my past myself… I’m still in this chrysalis but I’m getting visions or my imagination is increases to degrees of what a life like a butterfly could mean. It’s very powerful so it’s like I can almost taste it… but I know I cannot rush this process. What does it feel like having a broad range of perspective? A higher perspective compared to the ground perspective? How will time work? I’ll be able to flutter from one position to another in a much greater speed compared to when I was crawling around like a caterpillar. Even though I’m gaining the strength to escape the chrysalis, but how do I fly? Can I assume that I won’t naturally know how to fly? Will there be a struggle to learn that? Will the struggle be worth it? Maybe the struggle will be overcome by then? Maybe it will be easy and effortless? Easy and effortless sounds like what I want to create as a butterfly. Easy and effortlessly… yes that’s what I want to create. I’ve been entertaining this affirmation for a few years now. I went from impossible, to hard, to challenging, to get’s easier… it’s time for easy and effortlessly. I recognize that challenges I’ve faced wasn’t as difficult as I once thought it was. And when I’m honest… it was easy when I put my attention and time into it. I did have to use effort… but that was because I didn’t trust myself or existence to the degree I understand now. I’m confident that my decisions will be the best I can do at that moment and i will continue to learn and this will continue to create a reality I want to create. I know this approach is new and so my creations will continue to mature as I mature. Easy and effortlessly… I’m ready to upgrade and program my system. yeah this is a good time for a break. My body wants a little more attention tonight… lol.. been doing the massage and I did it when I woke up…my body is worth the attention… lol… alright until next time.

Ok… well today I continued my napping… lol… even my dad asked me if I feel alright.. i said yes but I just feel tired… so I slept…lol… now that I’ve gotten rid of many things I’m back to organizing them… lol… I’d like to get the studio organized for my dad… I’d like for him to know where I’m storing things so he doesn’t have to ask… he can just grab and go. He’s already thinking about changing up his bedroom again. He still wants to be able to have. A hot tub and sleep in the space and he’s lifting everything up. I think he’s going to do a loft style bed instead of having to lift up the flooring and removing his bed. He said he wants to use my space as a changing room/ closet so that’s nice to know. I can start hopefully clearing out his clothes in the closet that he never uses. They’ve been sitting in there unused for I don’t know how many years… I’ve mentioned to him maybe we can go through it… but of course it’s not the most fun thing to do, but I think I can work it out with him. We’ve had some rainy days the last few days which is hopeful. I’d like to clean and organize the kitchen soon. He’s been trying to hook the water through the water heater and run new lines to the bathroom to get that a little more easy to use. I’m going to see if he’s ready to talk to the water company. There’s been this leak going on for over 10 years now and they’ve shut off the main valve. I think he’s going to worry about digging up his back yard because of his trees… but I figure it he can do it now before he adds more would be best…. But I’ll see what he’s thinking. I’d rather have it as easy as it can be for him. But he can be set in his ways… so we’ll see I’ve been thinking a little more about attending church with my grandma. lol… I don’t mind attending church with people but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to hear service and it’s been interesting listen to them. First of all I did like them having several ministers speaking and they all have their own interpretation on the subjects they are focusing on. Even if they had slightly different views it’s nice to have the variety and also nice to know that the congregation should infer if their leaders have various views then they can as well. The last time there was a younger man who led the service and I hadn’t heard him speak before. I’ve seen him play the piano and I really enjoy his family… his wife, his daughter, and his son. I actually talked to the daughter most. How people treat her sometimes… she likes to talk with people and of course everyone is trying to hush her up or at least make sure she knows she’s supposed to be quiet during service. As far as I can see she is extremely bright. I think it’s obvious to her that she’s going to be respectful during service but before and after she likes to socialize. The last time we spoke we found out we are both learning Spanish and so we were practicing together. I feel she knows more than I do… and again it’s less stressful learning with children. Lol.. my grandma hushes me too every time we enter the building. It’s funny to me… because I’m just literally talking normal and I’m just having conversation with her as we are nearing the front door. I open that door and finishing a sentence and there comes the hushing. It doesn’t enter into the church… there’s a hallway… and even a vestibule/ sitting area to enter before the chapel. It’s just funny, but anyway… the topic he was talking about was doubt. It was a continuation I guess from their service for Easter last week. He leads the youth and he likes to teach in threes so it’s easy to remember and it was… lol… he wanted to focus on that we all have doubt, we all need faith, and we need to have a system when we find ourselves in doubt. Instead of going over his beliefs I want to see what I had gained from being involved with listening to his words. We all have doubt: yes I’ve had doubt, but I also feel that this doubt doesn’t always have to be present. I feel like most of my work is to overcome my fears and doubts and I’ve been making great strides to understand this. I recall different spiritual leaders I have observed and there is something I run into at times. There was a women group in Peru that I attended their group and it was lovely and granted I didn’t understand it fully but I had friends helping me translate and a lot could be interpreted closely. It types to what I wanted to discuss with this gentleman too. They want people to accept they have doubt, fear, sadness, anger, and a feeling of loss. I feel like they want people to understand that these feelings are common for the human collective… they don’t encourage someone to feel alone when they feel these things. The women were tying it together by purging these feelings that might be stagnant in them. They set up a little alter with natural elements to use as a symbol to clear or cleanse these fears, sadness, anger, or feeling of loss. Many women were emotionally purging and expressing which was beautiful. I was waiting to see what their next step was, but there wasn’t any… I ended up going to two of the leaders of the women’s group and I asked them if they anticipate a time in their lives that they won’t have to experience fear, sadness, anger, or loss? They said it was impossible. I asked maybe they haven’t experienced it yet, but does their spirituality give inspiration to eventually be able to live a life without those feelings? They said no. During this event I was observing but I didn’t feel like participating in the purging process because at that time I didn’t feel like purging anything. It was my first and only time sharing this space with these women… and so I did feel bad for not participating. But at that moment I didn’t know of anything to purge and so I was respectful to them but I didn’t want to create something to be sad about, or create something to be mad about , or create something to be fearful or, or create something to feel loss for when I didn’t feel like that in that moment… I guess I wasn’t ready to process things I went through during some of my ceremonies at that time, but honestly none of those feelings came up. I was more into observing and also curious to what their leaders were wanting to teach. When it came to this minister he had made a comment that if you are someone who doesn’t think you have doubt then that’s more of a concern then admitting you have doubt. And yes I can agree to this to some degree. But there can be a different state that might seem like they are behaving in the same manner, but there reasoning may be different. Right if someone is not aware they are experiencing doubt and they are just trying to pressure themselves to ignore the doubt they might feel could be one way… They may experience doubt but deny it to themselves and others because they don’t want to admit this happens to them. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the place where I know I have doubts and instead of expressing them… I would hold them in a let them fester inside without really knowing what I should do with these doubts. I also have found that festering inside was not helping me but learning how to purge and process these doubts as more beneficial. The purging is releasing what could be said as the toxicity is was creating sitting inside. But the processing is just as important then the purging. Again this is what I try to explain in ceremony with my guests. I tell them this is a purging ceremony… we’re going to work together and try to release and purge whatever we can and as much as we can. It will be as if we start you back as a clean slate. But what we choose to do from this point forward will determine what comes back in and how quickly. So that’s where the processing or integration comes into play. This is where the real work begins. I speak with them and I mention a few areas in their life they admitted needs work and desires to be changed. I’ll let them know… so these specific areas you will have to figure out a way to approach differently then what you remember, because what you remember will keep you playing out the same story over and over again. If you keep doing this then we’ll just fill ourselves back up with the toxicity that we just got rid of. But I told them… they can find their own ways to clear this out of their systems. I’ve learned how to clear my system out. I don’t remember all the time to do this and so ceremony has to remind me… hey there… you’ve been paying too much attention to others you aren’t noticing your own energy is being diluted with toxicity that doesn’t need to be there…. So we’re going to have you focus on yourself right now. I’m usually very grateful because I realize I have blind spots and it’s a new process for me so I’ll forget, but to have gentle reminders is good and I’m grateful. Let’s continue… but can I intuit that I’m working my way to not experience doubt anymore. Honestly yes… I’m already experiencing that my judgements on myself, others, and existence was out of a place of being like unconscious. I’m realizing that I was conditioned to judge myself, others, and existence by a like unconscious society. But I’m already understanding that I don’t want to judge myself anymore and I can see that this will be the state I’m going to live. The more I live in this state the more I will not want to judge others or existence. Existence is something I cannot explain… it’s ultimate consciousness which knows the overall goal of elevating universal consciousness but it can weave miracles in and around the universe to create this and depending on our level of consciousness we’ll judge it or be in awe of it. I’m in awe of existence. I’m learning to trust existence completely and learning to trust myself completely that I truly can intuit and work towards a state of no doubt. I see this state as different then the first state of no doubt… the first state of no doubt was actually a mask pretending that doubt did not exist. If someone isn’t working themselves to the latter state of no doubt, then people who are working on this state… they will assume it’s impossible or not understand us who want to obtain this state for ourselves. This is a good way to lead into the next topic he wanted to address was we all need faith. He had a good reasoning behind his statements… he said that we live on faith all the time. We have faith that the sun is going to come up and go down. Lol… he spoke about his trusty coffee maker he has faith in to work for him every morning. But he said he knows many skeptics who literally live in fear that the sun will not rise again. And they can be at this state because they don’t have faith. He also mentioned how one morning his trusty coffee maker died one morning but instead of losing his faith, he went and purchased almost the exact same model to replace it. He continued to recall tidbits of the resurrection of Jesus which was being discussed because of Easter. He said that hearing about these events he could understand people can have doubts that Jesus died and was able to resurrect himself three days later. He said he’s never seen anyone else do this so it can cause him to have doubt that this could or did happen. He said he lives his life with faith and using his belief systems trusts that this event did happen. Using his system he creates to help him in moments of doubt. I’ll get back to this in a little bit, but right now I’d like to explore the word faith and direct experience. Maybe I feel like there needs to be a distinction made. Obviously if we are students of Leo… he’s been able to communicate in a much larger capacity to this then I am and how much I want to go into it now. But I didn’t really see his examples of faith as the best examples except this concept that Jesus died and resurrected. That to me was his faith statement. The sun rising is more of a direct experience that has been consistent enough to not unstable him from worrying that the sun will not rise the next day. Again the coffee maker was also a direct experience which was consistent enough for him to rely on it to work until it didn’t, but he gained enough direct experience to not have this unstable his by going and purchasing a replacement. Now what happens when the sun doesn’t return the next day? Would we have enough direct experience to be able to stable ourselves to continue? It’s hard to assume how I would respond, but again I am gaining so much trust in myself and existence that if that was to happen… I feel like I’m working my way to accept this event and continue to live without doubt because there’s reasons why existence has created this for me to experience. I guess this goes back to just my studies of world religions and oversimplifying it greatly but to keep it brief and direct to what I’m trying to convey here is… there are individuals who have Awakened or became Enlightened to the fact that death does not exist. Existence exists regardless if perceived as a physical or a nonphysical manner. When we’ve had direct experience of this… if existence decides it’s time to remove the sun from the picture… this doesn’t mean death. Death is not what we think it is until we have a direct experience of death as a continuation of existence in a different form. So technically it may cause death to this shared perceived physical world but it’s not the end of it all. There is no end… existence will continue to exist. We intuit these spiritual leaders have gone through direct experiences that have led them to live lives that seem god-like because it’s so different from what we experience on the day to day with other people maybe. I’ve spoken to people… family members even, who look at Jesus as god-like and completely give up their chance to live like Jesus… he’s too grand and special… they are not worthy of obtaining these qualities for themselves. I’m not a Christian but I tell them… I want to live like Jesus… I want to have direct experiences of being like Jesus, but in my own way. Not only are they comfortable with me not being Christian, but the nerve to think I am worthy to be on equal grounds as Jesus is just insane. They pray for me. I’ve spoken to people who are inspired by the Buddha… I like their approach as well, because with Buddha they seem his as a human… they want to follow his teachings because with his techniques they know they will be on equal grounds of the Buddha. I know some realize this but maybe some do not… Jesus and the Buddha did not have teachers correct? Well they might have had teachers but they didn’t follow blindly… they really created something unique to their way of learning and gaining understanding of higher spiritual teachings. They didn’t have books telling them what to do. How is this possible? How could they possibly obtain higher wisdom without others telling them what to do and how to think? How could they create certainty in themselves they were doing the right thing to lead them the right way to get to where people can only imagine to obtain? And because we imagine we really don’t know unless…. We found our own way to understand. And that’s what i have to say from here… I don’t know how they did it. But I know I found a way for myself. Everything becomes my teachers… I realized existence is my teacher… which includes everything… which includes myself. I was able to gain an understanding where what I experience I can listen to myself to help guide me at the state and time of my understanding. For me I had to go through a series of experiences to learn what I could and then continue to learn more. I don’t need faith to guide me any longer because I’ve had a direct experience that existence is infinite. As infinity I had a choice to continue experiencing in this physical manner or not. I chose to continue and I enjoy experiencing… what else can I do with my time… lol… if I only exist… I have time to direct my focus here. Faith is not the only way to live… there are larger existential questions that can be directly experienced so faith transforms to knowing or being. Actually I’m definitely ok in saying I don’t know… Again I am choosing to learn not to know. When I experienced infinity excites me because I love to learn and I know i won’t stop in my learning… that’s amazing for me and very satisfying. And instead of what I once thought I wanted to learn everything… I‘ve changed to wanting to dive deeper into my interests. Yes I know when I get introduced to new areas this will help inspire me to gain deeper depths in things I’ve been learning for years. I can reason out that my entire existence is to get to know myself… and even with an infinite existence it’s never final in my learning… that’s quite remarkable. I want to keep my thoughts flowing and finish my thoughts of the ministers topics. His final topic was to create a system to help when in doubt. He mentioned his community referring to the church, and also the teachings of people who are more experienced than himself. I think at this point he had mentioned a book “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen Covey. I had read this book and found it helpful at the time I read it… I could see how much I was overworking and doublechecking my coworkers at the time, because I didn’t have much trust in their abilities. I knew my father was the one person I trusted to most… and when we work together how easier it was for me and how much faster it was because I trusted him. I can’t remember everything… it’s been awhile and that insight helped guide me to build relationships differently than what I was doing at the time. But I did laugh… I’m trying to remember what his insight was out of the book… but it was different than my insight. And that makes sense… we are interpreting words differently than others and that’s a good thing. We can have communities and teachers to help us in doubt… but ultimately we have to trust ourselves. I also was laughing to myself because he said when reality kicks you hard and you lose your sense of direction and filled with doubt… if you were to do it on your own… it would be traumatic. That was a good description of how I felt when I went through my last three ceremonies by myself. They were so mind blowing to me at the time that I tried to reach out to the communities that I thought was going to help support me through the process… There were fellow Aya spiritualists that I tried to speak with who were saying I’m crazy. I went to the three most influential men in my life who also said I was crazy… i spoke to non Aya friends who know me quite well who were also implying I’m crazy but in a sweet way… lol… I knew I wasn’t crazy but I also knew what I was saying could sound crazy to anyone else because they didn’t experience what I did. So I knew… there was no one to turn to… I only had myself and at the time… I was trying to find a sanctuary to isolate myself so I can process and integrate… I didn’t know where to go at first. I thought an ashram but I didn’t have the money to go. I thought there was an opportunity to rent a hut outside of Machu Picchu from a friend of a friend which didn’t fall through. It started getting close to summer and my routine was telling me… I ran out of time.. it’s time to work so go back to the mountains to work… but i knew working was what I needed… I needed a sanctuary. I even tried to just relax like a retiree there… I went camping with my buddy and we did a roadtrip together… but I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed. I tried to work and I knew it wasn’t going to work and even though it was fun for a second I quickly became irritable because I knew I was ignoring my need for solitude. At last I thought I could go back to my dad’s place. Again that wasn’t an option because I thought the hoarding was going to be too much for me to handle… but it doesn’t take me long to get things done…. So clearing out a space to have a bedroom and a studio space wasn’t hard… but again I forgot how autonomous I was with my dad. My dad has always allowed freedom and patience and love for me. He doesn’t have to understand my spirituality… but he loves me and he knew I needed this time and space to hermit. It was exactly what I needed and it surprises me that it took me so long to think of it… lol… so again… I did have to find a community… a community that I had used in over 20 years. But being in this town there is a sense of comfort and safety that I can say I don’t find anywhere else… at least right now. I was still in deep in my conditioning in a less conscious way. But I felt I could really let my hair down here and again my dad’s approach to life and parenting has really helped me develop my style in a more authentic manner. If I needed this time… he will give me this time. I don’t ask for much so I’m not going to deplete him of his resources. I hope he feels I give him value in my company. I guess in a way I worked myself into a way of finding guidance in teachers who are more experienced than myself… I found myself on the forum… lol.. and the first few messages I was getting from Leo… not that they were directed at me… but again I can use words to get more own direction… he is an amazing trigger for me to look deeper in myself to find my own answers. It was great he said no one on the forum is Awakened… and right away I was damn it… well maybe I’m not. But he knows he can’t tell us if we are or not… we have to know it for ourselves. Lol… believe me when I went through those ceremonies of Awakening I wanted to celebrate… finally holy shit.. I’ve done the work and I’ve finally got here… I want to celebrate but when I told anyone of my communities… that added to them thinking i was crazy… lol… so there was no one to celebrate with… but I still hadn’t integrate what the difference was in this transformation… and using the Journal on this Forum has been a blessing to help me realize how differently I’m interacting with my mind… it’s been fascinating. I’m trying to give a picture through this Journal but the reality of it is unexplainable. Although that won’t stop me from trying.. lol.. I knew from my first attempt to write my first entry that I had awakened… I went through a very spiritual purification connecting deeply with myself and the music and everything came together and I knew I had awakened. I knew that I’m going to transform myself to become abundant and allow attraction in… but when I went to post… it all erased. At first i was shocked and was like why? Well… I needed to use this process to better explain it to myself and to anyone else who might be interested in these things… lol. Again I don’t know all the details that are coming up in my life, but I’m certain the more clarity I have the easier it will be to continue. I love challenges, but I’m looking for more ease too. Ok… I think it’s a good time to break… but because of my nap… I’m still ready to move forward in my learning.

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head. My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more. Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward. I know there’s a connection to be found. It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going. I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique. It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up. I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time. I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards. So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change. First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more. I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself. This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself. I haven’t been creative in this area. I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure. I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on. So I’m not sure how to take my time into it. There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up. I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance. But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too? Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with. I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate? Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself? Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before. Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with. He was so fun and he was handsome. We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually. But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play. I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time. My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him. I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it! But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready. He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too. We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that. He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation. He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control. I knew I would’ve regretted it. We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept. Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed. He’s a very fascinating man! I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me. And I was able to create those boundaries up front. Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along. I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted. And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic. Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them. Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since. It hasn’t been brought up. When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me. Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself. It was different then… everyone was consensual. Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with. He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him. I stopped him and then quit the private dance. He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not. I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again. One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent. They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway. But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me. I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further. I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved. I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties. I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party? I don’t know. But I do know I love outer play? I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly. I had my first experiences with being intimate with women. And I really enjoyed it. They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed. And they’re really slow and soft too. I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners. And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time. I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more. Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion. I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience. I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out. And I guess I’m ready to do that now. I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way. I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy. I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality. I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen. But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do. So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first. But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die. My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.” He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass? In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die? Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife? I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths. I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath. I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them. I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality. So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now. I’m going to leave this existence. During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid. In fact there was a part of me wanting to die. I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again. Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again. And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind. I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again. Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die. It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down. I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with. I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes. I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die. And immediately I was disgusted with myself. It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience. I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me. I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing. I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death. I told him I was ready to passé. And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying? It made no sense to me. Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep. I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning. I was pretty much going through a panic attack. Why the hell is it my time to die? Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future? I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now? Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die? My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me. He created a special plant bath and had me cool off. He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die? Why was I not scared in ceremony? Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence? What am I missing? His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day. His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony. What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé. That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant. They could see I was not my normal self. And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night. I even admitted I thought I was going to die. And I’m afraid to die. I could barely communicate with anyone. I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down. I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences. I also slept a lot. I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die? He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death? He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand? He couldn’t think of another word. I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option. I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again. I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him. And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience. Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not. I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony. I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen. Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after. But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death? What did I stop myself from doing? Now I really did want to know what death felt like. It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure. In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality. At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language. I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time. I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that. Nothing was known at that part of was just being. I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me. Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner. I knew what he was saying. He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality. I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time. I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again. I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments. I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it. Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again. But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time. I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me. I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now. But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me. I found my safe haven with my dad. He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed. Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through? I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again? Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that? To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical? And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either. Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world. So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists. We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges. When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing? Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose. I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm. It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him. I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed. I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave. I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day. I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center. At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him. I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything. I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with. I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton! I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months. And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta. So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing. When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental. Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how. Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear. It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious. I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state. The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well. So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better? Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results. Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO! All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come. But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience. Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner. So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first. If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in. Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn. Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself. I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere. Because I know existence is already helping everything out. I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that. When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out. But again… I want to work it out with myself for now. I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again. I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate. I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out. I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time. With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play. I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation. I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now. It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads. I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now. So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that. I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not. I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine. I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given. I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no. Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity. I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why. Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason. I’m not desperate anymore. It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first. I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that. I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together. He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies. But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space. There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right. Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right. I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either. And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing. I’m enjoying the changes. I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about. Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people. I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming. I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better. But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue. If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves. I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that. Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different. If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times. Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too. But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children. I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality. And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life. Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in. Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship. Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality. Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol Alright… that feels good for tonight. Until next time…

What would you consider an ethical business model for a pickup coach? Alex James ( ex RSD coach ) does 4 week natural boot camps which are 3k for a month of every day coaching, for a dozen students at once. I think that's pretty reasonable for the value. No serious transformation can happen over one weekend, and even a month is short. Do you consider it fundamental to make clear that bootcamps are a bonus and most of the work can be done with quality wings for it to be ethical, or are is that shooting yourself in the foot too much?

I got scammed hard with a Transformation Mastery Mentoring program by Julien. Cost like $7k - I remember dropping that much because one video Leo said don't cheap out on personal development courses. Boy that was a mistake lol. I take full responsibility though - just good advice implemented poorly. As for Owen, his free content is great and he's definitely a thinker worth listening to. Some of the things he says are questionable and his biases are self evident, My favourite video is this one.