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Enlightenment is no more than the realization that everything is driven by one unified field of consciousness. That realization happens by tapping into that primordial field through the practice of silencing the mind. So who can't experience enlightenment? But the big hurdle is staying in that state of unity at all times and under all circumstances. When the silence finally prevails at all times over the noise of mind, that's full enlightenment or bliss consciousness. Of course that is much easier said than done when living day to day in the real world and the reason so many end up going into seclusion.

Please, do not answer me with enlightenment jargon, for I am looking for a simple answer, and I don't sBeak English very well Let me introduce myself first ;), I am Muhammad and I am from Morocco, North Africa. I have been following Leo for 8 months, and it has been a bliss. I am no longer depressed. I am no longer a negative thinker. I can stay at home with a complete peace of mind, feeling no kind of loneliness, guilt, shame, or anything like that. Just recently, when I watched the last videos of Leo, from Life minimalism to the last video of happiness, my vision starts clearing up. I want to make a BOLD CHANGE this year, but I am AFRAID, because I do not know where it is going to lead. It may lead to some AMAZING rewards, and it may be a WASTED year!! I want to quit university and continue with my blog, which I started recently, why? because of the following reasons: If I quit university and my blog goes well, I will be able to settle in one of the most beautiful cities in Morocco and the world; a quiet city where I can pursue enlightenment work. I will be no longer living with my family, which means more freedom and discipline. I will not work in a 9 to 5 job. I will live a truly tribal simple lifestyle. what do you think, guys?

@electroBeam Hi electro, I never suggested that you shouldn't meditate. I just pointed out the trap in believing that you should or have to in order to reach enlightenment. You don't. Like I said, how do you get to where and what you already are? Fundamentally, there is no process. There's a quote from...Carl Sagan? I believe, not sure...but it goes something like: in order to make an apple pie from scratch, you first have to create the universe. In other words, fundamentally no one particular decision or technique has brought you to where you are now. The entire successional flow of the universe has brought you here. Meditation and contemplation for enlightenment work has brought you to where you are just as much as your dump on the toilet two weeks ago. I'm pointing this out so you don't spend decades of your life meditating with the heavy expectation of an explosion of bliss-enlightenment. We falsely expect these techniques to get us somewhere because ego desires to get to a better place, while the gurus do it because they know it's getting them nowhere. This is it already. It's just a matter of seeing clearly. Then what's the point of doing these things? Good question. This is where I contradict what I said above with the apple pie, so bear with me. Meditation, contemplation, spiritual autolysis, mindfulness and all of these other techniques are a hands-on approach to helping you see through your mind-made illusions. By doing these things over and over again, you learn more and more to see what is and see through what is not. That way, you suffer much less from your illusions. I agree with @99th_monkey that waking up is really the starting point to Self-cultivation, as I like to call it. Self-realization is the easy part. Self-cultivation is the hands-on part, where you slowly release control over your life by seeing through illusions. Ego doesn't want to release control. But by seeing through the illusion of ego, it begins to happen naturally. It's as though Self-realization is the spark that lights the powder keg, and then the fuse burns on its own through Self-cultivation. That's my experience at least. @99th_monkey I found that in a store. I was hoping the writing on the doll's sticky note would show up because I thought it was funny. It says "y'all need Jesus".

Little rant about meditation. I shall start by saying that I have not meditated one single hour in my life. Every time I sat down to do it, my back would ache, my nose would itch, phone would ring, neighbor would come.. even the stray cat that comes and goes to my house would come and sit in my lap the minute I started... so yeah. That being said, my whole life became a sort of a contemplation. Not one minute of my life, starting about 18 months or so was dedicated to anything else but the urge to freedom and TRUTH. No matter the situation I was in, my main goal was to distance myself from the thoughts that came, and see them for what they were. What has helped me was first and foremost, this thirst, this hunger for TRUTH! Life has put Ayla in a situation where it was finding TRUTH, or nothing. Over and over and over and over again for the last hummmmm.... 10 years? Until FINALLY I listened! What I used to disentangle from thoughts: Noah Elkrief's videos in times of "apparent" emergency - everything that seems to come, is a thought Leo's videos for giving "food to mind" - better the thoughts are about this than that, right? Byron Katie's WORK - "is this true?" "can you absolutely know that it's true?" - turn every phrase around in as many ways possible "The Artist's Way" book - write down, first thing in the morning, everything that comes up, no matter how dull and stupid I have also done a process described in Michael Brown's book - "The Presence Process" - very powerful 10 weeks process "not about feeling better but about getting better at feeling" So no, I cannot say from my own experience that meditation is the key. From what I hear it CAN BE, but it is not the only one. If the urge, the thirst, the pull is as strong as it was in this here, any tools that you find yourself using over and over again, will get you to the proper door. I should also maybe say that apart from listening to Mooji videos on YouTube, a little bit of this or the other E-teacher, I have not read a single book on it, not went to retreats, seminars, etc. Pure, sheer pain has brought me where I am. This is how pain has stopped being the enemy. This is how fear left me. What is left here, is NOT pure bliss. That also comes and goes. What's left is a honest basking in whatever comes this way. Still working in what I like to call "too solid to raise through to heaven's gates" Hope this helps someone...

I believed these no-self stories right from the beginning. I never understood anything , but i believed and learned them anyway because it was supposed to be like that since i'm unaware and egotistical. I wanted to progress faster and dedicate all my free time to this. This has torn me up on the inside in the last months. I lost my passion for everything i used to like and my meditation sessions were more like torture instead of bliss (like they used to be). I couldn't even sleep properly at night. All because i keep having these thoughts firing up in my head all the time - " there is no me" , "i'm not my mind" , " there is no one to be aware" , etc. These buddhist stories make you believe that you are divided , that your desires and thoughts are just burdens you need to get rid of. It's similar to what the other religions do , make you think your body and mind are dirty and you need to purge yourself in order to be good. It is toxic. The real improvement you get is from the meditation exercises. They make you more aware , calm and with better focus. The theory is just nonsense. Do your research on it if you want to , but be skeptical. YOU need to figure out what is true and works don't let others tell you , like i did. Now i need to unwire all these beliefs , and i feel like a fool. Also observe how to people who preach this stuff behave. Are they emotionally mature and happy , or do they have the same bad habits as the people they are preaching to?

@Extreme Z7 Thanks a lot! The psychological benefits have been great. I started to become aware of my neurotic tendencies, and my stupid destructive behaviors. I haven't been able to completely change those things, but I just know that maintaining awareness throughout the years will auto-correct those things. @Zane Wow sounds like an amazing experience. I'm still working on be able to just be absorbed in the moment and experience that level of bliss. Yes, you have been a great support so thank you for that. Sounds like you are doing very well on your path. Glad you are currently much happier in your life, I'm sure you will be able to keep pushing ahead! @Lorcan Yes thanks for that suggestion. I will come back with another report most likely after I have meditated for a year. I would like to look back on this journal and see how much progress I've made. I wrote in the beginning I wanted to achieve these goals: Develop stronger willpower Increase my ability to focus for longer periods of time Develop my level of awareness Effectively manage the chaos in my mind Throughout this journey, I completely forgot about my goals. I became more focused on just doing the meditation, and using it as a way to keep myself grounded and calm. Now looking back on it, all of those things have happened on their own in a very natural way. There was no need to force it or to take on any sort of neurotic action. All I did was meditate day after day while increasing my awareness. I'm not operating anywhere near the level I want to be at, but I now have a stronger willpower, stronger focus, much more awareness, and less chaos in my mind. It's a great feeling to have knowing that I'm just barely scratching the surface and I have so much more room to grow.

@ZenBlue YES YOU ACCOMPLISHED THE HUNDRED DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You completely committed yourself to the goal and went beyond your 5 minute goal. I'm glad you're aware of your flaws while meditating but you can't be perfect at meditation. The good news is that the changes are subtle and you will get better at it. In San Francisco, in 2014, I felt deep bliss twice on the trip without even meditating and I think the reason why was because it was such an amazing moment of being where I was completely absorbed in the moment of sitting on the dark of the bay, smelling the ocean, and basking in the sun. In the park, I felt deeply blissful and relaxed. Thank you so much for the mention in your post for my support!! It's my pleasure and i love supporting people on their journey. You can go even farther with self-actualization! I'm making great progress with it and I re-captured the emotions of awe and wonder, deeply relaxed bliss, laughing like nobody's watching, the flow state of creativity, feeling completely invested in a movie or a show and a childlike spirit of adventure. I created a Twenties Journal to track my happiness and I'm much happier than I ever was in my life. I want to go even farther!

Sort of. Mind will not all of the sudden say: I want to die - on the contrary, it will fight as long as it wants to with concepts and theories and experiences and unicorns... until it will hopefully one day declare "bankruptcy", exhaustion, forfait, no can do. hehe What I meant is that those teachers do no "plan" in any way to teach. Their mind has become just what it is supposed to be: a translation machine for Self. They are just letting their body-mind be "used" as life (God, Love, Universe) wants to. What comes up here when I read this, is that...even an experience of pure bliss and love ... is still ONLY an experience. It comes and it goes. This can be a wonderful way for Ego to enter through back door and keep seekers stuck in "high" and "low" illusion Ego IS concepts. Any concepts.

@popi Glad it helped! When a person that is living from the Source from within meets another that also does the same; such purity, bliss, and unity. This is healthy.

I began seeing this 2-3 months ago. What changed right away was that everything I perceived stopped being the effect of something else, but more like the spontaneous occurrence of itself. Like, when I took a walk outside I saw and still see something in the trees, that is also in the ground. Also in the crying kid and also in my wandering thoughts. At this time I experienced extreme bliss for a week or two and then I fell in probably the deepest hole I every experienced on this journey. I came out of it yesterday in my daily meditation in which I was deeply in my unconscious, re-living childhood memories and crazy other stuff. At some point it just felt like a rock fell off me and I intuitively knew that I was through with this. Since then, the horrors went away. Thanks for your post, man. I appreciate it. While I was having these bad cycles, I still could see it in everything. It was just that my thoughts would go nuts and fuck me up day after day. Now it feels like a silenced city after a hurricane, a few people are still there, but there is this peace everywhere that underlies all the going ons.

Hey all, long time no see, I've missed you all a lot Let me tell you about a technique I've recently developed, I want to give credit to Leo and and Alan Watts that inspired me a lot over the years. So I call it the Buddha meditation and I practice it like that: First realize that meditation is not something you DO, it's a state of simple being as described in many techniques. My method isn't any different, I would say it's more of a pre-contemplation that reminds you to be open and relieves the expectations. The second step is a little contemplation that goes like that: "Could it possibly be that I'm already a buddha?" "If I were a buddha would I try to get any where? Would I try to realize something or to gain more knowledge? I guess not. I would simply sit here because that's simply how a buddha sits and enjoy observing all that is in my awareness. Enjoying my bliss" Now try to connect with your experience and from time to time you may guide yourself back to this image of simply being a sitting buddha and just be. So basically once grounded you just sit. I hope you will enjoy it like I did and stay on your path. Good luck

But lets say that I was envyous of someone like Eckart Tolle because he is enlighthened master. Then, I think that is a good form of envy if I can use it as motivation to become enlighthened myself and actually get some great Benefits such as: Ego death Unconditional self love Bliss Pure flow Being cognition etc. That would be envy working in your favour But it mostly does not Becuase the things you are envyous about like someone having a Nice car, good looks, great physique/appearance, etc. These things will never make you happy if you get Them unlike the holy grail - enlightenment.

@abrakamowse @Mal Thanks guys! I've actually been practicing mindfulness meditation pretty much daily for 7 months now. You might be right about there beeing thoughts in the middle of conversations @abrakamowse but I'm not aware of them if that's the case. I just get this unplesant feeling and wanting to escape the situation. However I can actually relate to what you're saying @Mal. About 3-4 months ago I had an experience during meditation. There was a distance between me and my thoughts and I could watch them pass by in a totally different way than I've ever could before. I've still never felt such bliss during meditation as I did that day. The following days where the best days of my life. I've never felt more alive or more 'me' than during those days. No insecurities, no hesitation, totally confident, but not in a cocky fake way. Just love and compassion. I remember thinking that the joy of expressing myself authentically makes me so happy, what else do I really need? What else can make me this peacefull? I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES, I'd sit and meditate instead(this is huge for me). During these days it seemed as though my entire reality shifted. Every interaction was different. People would open themselves up for me, in a whole new way. And I was totally clear in my mind, no stress(which I usually suffer from in my line of work). I can't really put it into words...I'd been shy, timid and a big people pleaser my entire life and much of it just disappeard over a very short period of time. However during these days while meditating, I remember feeling an intense fear, "Can life be this good?" "How long will this last?" "Who am I?" The "effects" slowly begun to fade away during the following weeks and months. I started getting stuck in my mind again. The thoughts started to feel "heavy" again and it felt like I was beeing possessed almost. I was getting back to my old familiar self again. And I don't like that guy I remember watching myself beeing shy again and thinking "What the fuck am I doing?". It almost felt like I was acting. Because I then knew it wasnt me, I've experienced me and that shy fearfull guy is not it. Today I'm totally back in beeing identified with my thoughts(monkey mind) and still fighting the same battle I did when I first started this Self-actualization journey. Also I just want to thank you guys for sharing your knowledge and advice about these things here. There is no one else I can talk about these sort of things about. Youtube is great but human interactions is something special. Truly, thank you!

Self-Honesty: Once you have had the first glimpse, that moment of REALIZATION, of always being THAT, perfect, infinite and timeless, the real path begins. What to look for - hindrances: SELF-agenda - more or less unconscious. If you want to become enlightened because it will bring you "{xyz}" , think again. What you are embarking on is a path where that self that is searching for whatever dreams it might have, THAT SELF, is not real. The self agenda might manifest as: wanting to feel good, wanting to become better, wanting to take advantage of, superiority issues, etc. Running away - if you are embarking on this path from a desire to run away from emotional/psychological/physical pain, again, think twice. How to recognize when you are running away as opposed to "dropping the story" (I will probably later on write an entire post on this): in essence, running away feels fearful and constrictive. It leads you into DOING: addictions, reading, Youtube, endless back and forth communication, sports, going out, etc. Bypassing - using spiritual concepts as a dogma. You remain at a level where, even though you know exactly what to say and do, you have accumulated TONS of information that you can provide (parrot), there is no real WORK being done. It is all at mind level. An analogy that I can find, is that you pretend that you are a world class cook, by showing your collection of kitchen utensils, ovens, cutting boards and other "paraphenalia", but in reality, you never cooked a single cake! *little note on last point: let's say that someone who ate a particular cake, is given the description of that cake by someone who only ever READ about it. The person that already ate the cake, will ALWAYS KNOW, and others might feel it too, that the other one only read about it. ADVICE: Follow your longing. Make this an absolute priority. When you have found something that resonates with you, STOP the search and work that tool! Working the tool means to really sit down and do whatever it proposed in it, as opposed to just mentally understanding the principle and moving on to the next thing. Ability to transcend deep inner programming: You do not need to go looking for things to fix or to transcend or to integrate. Life will put them right in front of you. I will give you a personal example: After my first full day of pure bliss, next morning came in with a loud bang: "why would YOU be enlightened?" - I had done enough shadow work by then (Teal Swan, Noaf Elkrief) to recognize immediately the "worthlessness" issue coming up to be looked into. I immediately begun working on that, and this is also when I found Mooji. So, whenever something comes up into your direct experience that feels anything less than pure bliss and acceptance, it should become like a bell for you that says: "LOOK INSIDE". Here is how to do that: ******* *** Focus and commitment: Once you have embarked on this path, NOTHING is apart from it! Everything is part of the letting go of what you thought it was YOU. You will have to find ways to keep focused and to go on, even and especially those days when everything will feel like death. Find a guide, a guru, an YouTube channel, a E-buddy, a teacher, etc. One note here: At one point, that too will need to be let go of. Sometimes, the "pull" of the first glimpse will be enough to keep you focused. Other times not - prepare for these times: keep "emergency" aid at hand (this post might be one), favorite videos, techniques, people, etc. Use everything you can to move you forward.. Willingness to accept that...you're wrong! Having an open ear and open eyes - being able to listen and to read "spiritual concepts - is not enough. Actually integrating these concepts demands the willingness to admit that your old paradigm is..."wrong". Become aware of your own barriers inside that stop new perspectives from actually effecting your notions about the world and yourself

This topic is intended to help those of you who are seriously pursuing enlightenment work. A bit of a "dictionary" of terms, as they will be used here: I = life = this = God enlightenment = realization of no-self = "pathless path" / "gateless gate" E-Work = enlightenment integration work Let's begin. Awakening tends to just happen. Either is it a result of profound suffering or dissatisfaction, or it may just happen at a random moment in life. The best that I can describe it is like the awakening in the morning. If you look with awareness at that time when you first wake up, you will notice that there is a moment where something is REALIZING that it is awake. * a good habit is to become very aware of the few seconds just before you go to sleep, and few seconds just when you wake up. It is a sort of an "awareness training" that would give you many insights into how mind seems to work. Even though it is personal and it may manifest in different ways, the GENERAL flavor of this awakening is one of complete acceptance, love, oneness and peace. Here is what I wrote the day I had the first glimpse: What I didn't understand at that time and what took me completely off guard, was that... it was JUST an experience that came and it was going to go. The journey that took me from there to here is what I want to concentrate on here. It is ESSENTIAL that you understand that an enlightened being, I prefer the term "free" or "liberated" being, is not one living in the above mentioned pure bliss. Not in the beginning. Not even very soon. The length of this path to full bliss is dependent of several factors: Self-honesty ability to transcend deep inner programming focus and commitment

Week 1 … and the devil wrestled with himself for a week and he put on a great show for god. *** Hours sat: 33 Current Daily Average: 4.7 Experiences: Extreme pain in knees and buttocks Lingering pain in shoulders/neck Pressure in skull Headaches/migraines Extreme negative emotions – Terror, Rage Extreme positive emotions – Joy/Bliss Love Anxiety attacks Sexual arousal Irregular pounding heart beat that could be felt throughout body Increased heart rates Adrenaline Spontaneous muscle spasms and locks esp. in core Violent Shaking Sweating Shivering Internal resistance – like a volcano was erupting below by navel, spewing hot lava up into my thorax Tight chest Laboured irregular breathing – I do long distance running and I experienced a shortness of breath/burning sensation in lungs that occurs when running above lactate threshold Crawling / tingling sensations (like insects were running over my body) Nausea Claustrophobia Suicidal thoughts Clenched jaw, grinding teeth General malaise Difficulty sleeping, vivid dreaming Fatigue / exhaustion Depression Feeling of impending death Insights: 1. There is suffering 2. This is quite abstract, but I want to explain how the insight happened. I was watching the music video below (Snakadaktal - Hung On Tight). I thought of his awakening at the beginning of the video to be symbolic of my first awakening. He then sits up and looks at his reflection in the mirror, symbolic of re-identification with ego. He then goes on to try and continue a dead party, pushing people aside and hurting himself, whilst singing “I hung on tight..” I realised that I have been clinging onto my previous experiences and that this has been a source of great pain. In other words I've been trying to keep a dead party going by living from the MEMORY of my past experiences rather than by embracing the experience that is unfolding before me NOW. I already understood this intellectually of course, but the insight sunk down into my bones when I watched this, it clicked into my being. I cannot grasp enlightenment, I cannot effort enlightenment, I cannot hold enlightenment. It changed from an insight I learned, to an insight I earned. I came to understand what Mooji is talking about when he talks about the “final ace up the sleeve of the mind” The meditation session immediately after was much easier. I was able to bathe all of the negative experiences in a much clearer awareness. Awareness that was not fragmented by the mind. Whilst the experience was still horrible, I was able to sit perfectly motionless for the full 3 hours. The edge had been taken off of the suffering because I was much more present with the sit. It's very relieving to know that the process is already delivering results.

Hello Friends This is my first time!! expercience with strong determination sitting (sds) English is not my native language, but i read a lot in english and i learn now words/vocabulary every day. Feel free to correct me if you see a mistake! I meditate every day (very few exeptions to be honest) since 8 weeks. Started with mainly breating and mindfulness-meditation lately nothingness-meditation. I already see positive effects. Beeing more calm/balanced, more productive (i did a LOT! of stuff in the last 2 weeks only, seemingly without effort and without forcing myself, i just did it!), less self-hating ^^(yes i told myself sometimes how bad my life is/ or how good it WAS before i srewed up etc...) less complaining and more pro-active behavoir, and i feel im on the right path! Work to do! I just did 80 Minutes of SDS. It was totaly different from what i expected, it started of quite underwhealming for me just to bring me to places where i wasnt able to get to in the last 8 weeks with my other medi-techniques! Now that i did it i can say im glad i did and i will continue with sds every day throughout march. I feel like maybe 10% of this firsttime i can NOT recreate, but 90% of what i expericed can be accuratly be recalled. here and there might be a small chronologic jump. Some of this protocoll is "direct speech" or "flow of consciousness-speech" and some of it i edited into correct sentences.^^ 1. THE START I was sitting on my chair, silent humming of my refridgerator in the other room, i put on a sweater so getting cold wont be a topic/additional distraction, since i expect the partice of sds to be hard from what i read about it. straight back sitting on my chair i close my eyes... after 10sec already ^^ omg! how long am i in this? 10sec maybe? shit! a THOUGHT!!... wait it is ok im alowed to think in this one. but i didnt think a lot i didnt try to think something actively most of the time but it felt comfortable knowing that if i do, it is not a problem. god! this is borring! and also way to easy i just sit here ..so what? how long now? 5minuntes maybe? ...im made for this. this is waaaay too easy slight pain in the back ..maybe a 2 on a scale from 0 to 10. i can ignore it. Thought occurs: probably becasue im a sportive guy i released all my body energy already by doing gym-work and badminton yesterday so my body feels realy calm, maybe those ppl who struggle with "sds" are all overweight americans ^^ (sorry guys!^^) they think it is so hard but actually im way better than them... (ofc you are) how long now? 10minutes maybe? this is so easy what´s the point? should i even go on? couldnt i use my time better? couldnt i use the 80minutes for breathing meditation or nothingness meditation (which i did the last week every day and felt positive about it since i did it even thou i found it extremly hard to do the first times) wouldnt that be a better use of time , maybe im not made for this? WOuldnt it be better to stop now and do something else something "harder" .... pain in the back goes up to 3 ..still i ignore it. OR!! now a different thought occured... since i find it so easy...can i do this even longer than 80minutes ? i could do 5 hours...i can just ignor my timer when it goes of and do it longer they will be so impressed on the forum if i tell them^^ wait isn´t it a realy bad reason to want to impress people? i realized that impressing is kinda important to me and it is no coincidence that i want to do it here in this practice too and this might be my first small realization. I was not thinking: I SHOULD NOT impress or swearing i will never try to impress someone again from now ..but just realizing / narrating to myself objectively that i DO have the tendency to wanting to impress ppl in the last months/years and i felt intuitivly that is not realy something im proud of ^^ and i should keep an eye on that! ..nothing more and norhing less for the moment then my handy rang ..shit! (the first call). who could it be? someone at work, they sometimes call me when they need something i must help them out with, or maybe i forgot something important...nah! maybe my friend is calling asking me if we go bouldering today? but i cant since i hurt my ankle at badminton yesterday... maybe my father is calling? maybe i did something wrong maybe my aunt asking me if i can go buy food for my grandmother? it stopped ringing. it is not imporant right now...i have my free day, i dont have to take calls. i wont die! if i dont take the call.. it is fine! ok back to: this is easy im made for this, then i felt bad : pain in the back increased to 4-5, still no problemo but it is annyoing. leo said it will be worth to do "sds" maybe he doesnt know that im different, that it is too easy for me. if he could see how easy i sit here for like 15minutes now he would recommend me to do "breathing meditation" instead or someting else. ------------- 2. BREAKING UP then my state kinda changed and i cant quite remember / reconstruct how it exactly came to be. i didnt feel a hard change while i was doing it, but recalling it is a bit foggy for me. i know it had something to do with this: for some reason i cant quite remember the cause (althou it is probably secondary) i felt guilty , maybe because i mooved a bit while i shouldnt? and i went like: you piece of shit! you mooved! you failed..you fucking idiot! and i sometimes talk to myself in that way always implying that i dont realy mean it, it is more to motivate me ^^ now i realized that it is not realy helpful if i insult myself for doing something wrong?! also somehow that everytime i realize something, learn something about myself, i feel like there is the old me (not knowing the new thing) and the new me (knowing the new thing) and then the 2 are getting into a kind of micro-fight with each other, who´s the better "I" ...i realized this is fucking tragic! WTF am i doing? i realzied and remembered that i do this on a daily basis never beeing able to see what happens...that 2 mini-egos fight each other over who is the boss! first i felt mooved by this realization ...it wasnt realy crying. just feeling realy mooved by realizing how i get into arguments with myself, beeing able to see how sad this is! 2 tears went from my eyes, 1 right and 1 left. It didnt feel like crying, just like water is coming out of my eye. both waterdrops went down my face to my mouth and the right one was bigger i guess and went further to my chin. i felt something changed, i knew this place where i am now. i realzied that i have so many unrealsitic ideas about getting enlightend or the way i can change throu meditation, i can become this new "super human" kind of guy almost godlike ^^ in a way , my goals are actually ridicoulous i realized now, it will make "click" and im perfect i will understand everything and be happy for all the time ^^ i know and i knew of course: that cant be achieved it is just a child fantasy but at the same time a part of me still wants that or wanted that, i also cant exclude that the wish wont appear ever again , it probably will but next time it comes i can see it from another persepective. because now that i have seen what it ACTUALLY means to learn something about myself, to starting to know myself better, i realized what i can actually get from meditation and how it is so much more worth to me than beeing perfect and happy all the time or even like beeing a super-alfa-male 24/7 ^^ i thought about how tragic humans are, how most of them try their best to be happy (like me) but they only cause pain in themself and others cause they dont know what they do and what they are. the difference between the human intention to do good and actualy doing harm without knowing made me cry. it was too much at that point. it seemed so sad, so heartbreakingly tragic that all those peolpe realy honestly want to be happy but they all fail cause they dont understand shit ^^ 2 more tears go down my face... (now comes a part which does not! represent any political standpoint on the question of how to treat criminals, but it is rather an experience in empathy and seemingly understand the suffering of a psychopath/murderer) the topic about why people do bad things without knowing it took me to the question about criminals. why do some people kill others. why do some people become insane killers. are those people realy evil, or are they just completly diconnected from their own inner life from their emotions. what is wrong with them? of course i want them to be locked away and in prison but also i thought maybe they are helpless. what kind of pain must have been inflicted on them in order to create such personalites that can´t feel for others anymore that are completly numb. i saw those killers as childern and feeling sorry for them getting beaten in fact i thought: how dare i - how ignorant of their suffering do i have to be to judge those people i have no idea what they went throu!! start crying again this time with opened mouth , couldnt keep it closed , felt like caughing in an emotional way realized i should return to my pratice to not moove now but it is fine i mooved affectivly couldnt stop it now return to pratice... i thoght this year had already had 8 weeks and in this last 10minutes i had more meaningfull personal realizations about myself and the world than in the last 8 weeks. even thou i did my routin, 1 hour meditation , breating medi, body scan sometimes, nothingness medi the last week which realy felt like stepping it up for me, but i usualy had only positiv feelings, i smiled i had moments of joy even bliss in the meditation, i even had moment where i went: oooh! THAT`S WHO i am , or Ohhh! right im not that (rather abstractions/ feelings almost autosuggestive realizations) also i faced fear (in one of my first meditations in january i had the sense that someone stands behind me and wants to murder me ^^ i sat though that and made me face it ..it never came back or only in a softer form and then it went away) i never had concrete realizations about myself, what EXACTLY almost scientificaly it is that i am, what i do, how i behave. this time i had that and it made me cry i felt that having an epiphany that makes you cry because your realze how wrong and almost tragic your behaviour is worth more than smiling or feeling bliss... then again i realized that there is probably a time for each of them i wouldnt want only crying all the time ^^ but for now im realy glad i could get those insights! ------------------ 3. CALMING DOWN / JOY i hoped i can recall everything or maybe the most important things for people to read beacuase i also enjoy reading such protocols by others to kinda see what they saw. also i realized that by beeing prepared to narrate my experience it made the experience more clear for me. it reminded me of this psycho-therapy technique of just narrating what happend without judging, just objective desciption of events. i feel i was able to do this for the most part in the last 15minutes of this sds. i wished for it to end now and i felt like i realy enjoy it. i thoguht ok it was enough now. i have to write it down and let it breathe take a break now. OR! maybe i could go even deeper now...but there is still time the next weeks i will do this daily. so no hurry! i felt realy relaxed now, my back pain had completely gone and instead i felt warm and unified like ... you may laugh now: i felt like a banana it must sound horrible but it was realy funny and i had to laugh myself when i tried to explain to myself how i feel now and i came up with the banana comparison ^^ my body feeling was good i felt like one huge slightly rounded thing beeing whole. i felt like i expanded. i could still feel my body borders as a silouette but i was also in the whole room filling it up, it was realy nice! i felt refreshed and i enjoyed it. ----------------------- 4. LAST MINUTES / WORK TO DO... one time at the end maybe 5-10 minutes before the alarm went of i licked my lips and i thought ..awww np i wont tell them! wait what? im going to lie about stupid shit like that just to make me look better ^^ LOL i had to chuckle this is ridicoulous ..did i actualy just thought about lying , trying to make me look better even i realized earlyier in the sds that i shouldnt do that. that i should try to impress people. here i also had to smiled and realize it will take MORE! than only realizing things to stop bad habits in myself, bad habits have a momentum they are automatic almost and i have to be aware of them and stop them everytime they will occur in the next weeks/month. then i went nah ok...ofc i will tell becasue if i lie that makes me feel bad.. then i realized not lying just because you feel bad is also not a realy good reason isnt it? but i couldnt think of a better reason right now and i felt no urge to do so since im mainly supposed to sit still in this technique. then the second call came... i thought np. i wont answer it is fine... it stoped 1minute later the alarm went of. i did it! 80 something minutes... i waited the alarm to stop /wanted to do bonus time for some reason and then when it stopped i breathed sometimes in and out streched my back, and then started to open my eyes...eyelashes beeing glued together by dried tears ^^ i felt fine. i want to write down everything...here i am!

@Mal Nihilism is a belief that life has no intrinsic meaning or value. Belief is a construct of thoughts. Thought content is illusory. Illusion is the opposite of reality. Reality is truth. Ok, so what is reality existentially? Pure transparent empty awareness. It's everything (all forms seen and unseen) and nothing (everything beyond object reality). Notice - it's not just 'nothing', that 'nothing' is actually 'something' special, and it's 'EVERYTHING' as well. Nihilism would only suggest the 'nothing' part. It would be impossible to integrate and include nothing into nothing. Object/ form reality is to be taken into consideration - manifest unfolding, the means awareness happens to experience itself. There is no denial in that everything is just happening for whatever reason or no reason at all. We now know from neuroscience that our unconscious brain processes 11 million bits per second (10 million times as fast a computer), but our consciousness is only 60 bits per second. That means we have no idea what we're doing So sometimes not knowing comes as a relief and in those brief moments we rest in the bliss of 'this'. So go ahead and use the 60 bits you got to appreciate a song and a story - both NOTHING and EVERYTHING, life at play, a miracle, reality, truth. Hugs Edit: Just thought of adding Ayla's thread 'Mind Attacks After Initial Seeing', you might also find helpful:

@jes Can we define ego a little? In my eyes the word ego gets thrown around too much. I'm guilty of this too. But can we really speak about "ego" and the subtle differences between manifestations of the ego's efforts, in contrast to egoless "suchness" (aka "what is" "this" "liberation") until we have a real experience of what it is to be in a state of "egoless-ness". Do we as members of the spiritual community blame everything that seems "bad" on the fault of the ego? How about we try to experience what it is like for the "I" to collapse, and then look at what is left? There are feelings. Emotions. I know that for sure. We have this distorted idea that enlightenment is suddenly this pure state of perfection, pure bliss, pure heaven. This idea is not accurate. The realization of no "I" is just very normal. It's more real that the warped state when the "I" is in charge. A simple pointing out instruction is this: All there is, is sounds. Sensations. The felt sense of my ass on the cushion and my breath rising and falling. Whatever is arising is just arising for nobody. This is the easiest way to differentiate between the feelings of the ego, and the feelings of true nature. You are right about the reaction thing. But I've noticed this only occurs when the ego is strong, the sense of self contracts and pushes out impulses and projects them onto the environment. So, it can be said that shadow only appears when the ego is in charge. I thought this distinction would come in handy

Ayla's enjoying the sweet taste of bliss. Noticing the sensations in body and the thoughts passing by like clouds. Not attaching has become natural, cause there's nothing to attach to or from or with. Ayla's noticing how bliss isn't being pushed against. Even though it comes and goes, exactly like the hell... there's no desire to push it back! Also, exactly how it does for the hell, body reacts heavily to it...mostly tingling ripples! **************************************************************************** NOTHING to wish. NOTHING to solve. NOTHING to do. NOTHING to understand. NOTHING to fear. NOTHING to push against. NOTHING at all!

LOL It's better! (If there is such a thing better than cheesecake?!!) No, you can't think of everything as a manifestation of your True Self until you have had an experience of the Absolute. This is why we must taste it first. This is why I said it won't make sense to you at the moment. However, the reason I dropped it into my original advice for you is that you were struggling to accept reality, but accepting reality first means we accept that we don't like certain parts of reality! Because our resistance is also part of reality! Always work with your inner reality first and as you develop you will be able to integrate more of the outer reality. I made these distinctions so that you can see how acceptance of reality unfolds in stages. We don't have to be at one with the universe now, we can only be who we are, so we start there The you isn't testing you, the Divine does not discriminate or answer prayers like the God of our monotheistic religions. It could be said that growth is a process of becoming "one" with reality gradually and learning to co-operate with it. For example, at our moment of death it could be said that we have grown and developed sufficiently if we are at peace with the inevitable. If we're sorrowful and full of regret we are still immature and resisting and didn't really grow up during our lifetime. From the perspective of the Absolute everything happening on this planet "is as it is". Grace is being able to co-exist with reality even if it hurts like hell. There is no escaping reality, a lot of teachers try to hide in the Absolute bliss states. These people are not enlightened according to the wisdom traditions. Maybe you have some cultural conditioning about what the Divine really is? This might sound crazy, but if you think about it, it's more real than trying to create a utopia: Consider this: How do you really know, as an individual ego, that the suffering and separation on this planet is always completely negative? Some suffering helps people grow into better human beings. Wars have been fought and countless lives destroyed for modernity and freedom of speech. How can we as people decide what is best for the world? We don't. We only have our limited perspectives. And even if we all got our wishes granted, it would never work, because one persons idea of heaven is different to another persons. Doesn't this sound more Truthful than a utopia?

Sort of The more you develop the more you will understand that those acts are manifestations of your own True Self. It will hurt more, but bother you less. In Zen there is a path to full Enlightenment called "Tozans Five Ranks". It explains what full enlightenment is, which is not Absolute Truth bliss state, but an integration of the Relative and Absolute - which means that this relative world with all it's separation and suffering IS a manifestation of the Absolute, or Divine, God Head (whatever you want to call it). It also means that there is nothing outside of you that can truly harm you. It's all "you". But first we need to taste Absolute Truth

@Mostafa Kibar why did you start your course? What aspirations did you have before starting... Get in touch with that, don't just study for grades or anything external. If you think this is not the right degree for you change it do what you love, follow your bliss find the courage to do it I'm searching my purpose now after i completed a degree I'm not really passionate about.

To be honest im not working towards enlightenment to bring joy or happiness to myself. My purpose is to block unnecessary emotion and to get out of suffering. especially this disguesting, sick, dying body. Of course I'm still happy and healthy since I'm only 22. But.... nothing stays forever. It is totally ok not to be happy or bliss or in peace as long as I don't reborn.

Thanks, @Saarah @Kenya. You make some great points. I love the "follow your bliss" advice but I forget it too often. Already I'm seeing the possibilites that drawing can have.