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I was going to wait until completing my self-imposed retreat, but I'm high on insight right now and need to share before this leaves me. The following was realized from 12 hours of consciousness work, not even that intensely focused, mostly monkey mind, but still deeper than what I've done in the past. I'm amazed at the difference between 12 hours of isolated work and the sloppy 10 hour session I did a few months back. Holy shit. Holy shit. I've been asleep. I didn't even come close to realizing how quickly continuous practice would bring up my inner demons. I've been working hard on trying to create better external life-circumstances for myself while having consciousness work play second fiddle, but today I got a deep feeling that what I'm doing is TOTAL BULLSHIT. I'm just afraid of giving up the remaining materialistic tendencies because I AM SO FUCKING AFRAID OF THIS WORK. It was easy when I'd just do an hour or two per day while spending the rest of my life grasping for illusions, pretending like I was chasing anything worthwhile. I should have noticed that after months of letting go of my old ways, the ego was coming back even harder. I could outwardly acknowledge how superficial and unfulfilling such pursuits were, but that attitude was incongruent with my inner reality. I've become, in some ways, a shallow, shallow person who won't be pleased until he has better material conditions than anyone else. I became aware of the fact that I was just chasing this fantasy that would always demand more and more, subjugating myself to the hedonic treadmill while recognizing it's folly on a conceptual level. I wouldn't say I had a no-self experience, but I experienced my "self" my life story, that thing that I am trying to serve as just a series of sensations and thoughts (which are also just sensations). I wasn't quite able to identify as nothingness, but I at some level became aware of the ego not really being there in the obvious, undeniable way I thought it was. Everything I'm chasing in life is a lie. This work is important, and I'm afraid of the Truth. I just want to distract myself with fantasies of this body having it's ideal circumstances, and immortal body that instantly gratifies all of it's material desires. When I sit down and see them for what they are, I just find lies. All lies. I'm so, so terrified. I've kept using the excuse, that I'd be materialistic now and be a serious sage later, but when I do the work, I can see how stupid that is to serve the ego. I'm not sure what the alternative is (conceptually I do, but not in my direct experience), but I have to choose it. But I'm afraid. I'm so fucking afraid of what I'm going to find I don't even know how to express it. It's unfathomable that I could experience such terror by just sitting and doing nothing. Sorry if this comes across as melodramatic, but I really wanted to capture my state today while it was still fresh. I know I'm not even doing serious non-duality yet. That being said, I'm going to keep going and see where this takes me. Call it masochistic, but I'm sort of enjoying the mind-fuck. I'll update this thread as my consciousness work continues. Updates: Day 2: Was restless all day. Afraid of pushing farther. I see the benefit of being in a formal setting. Accountability is huge, but I'm doing the best with what I've got at the moment. The mind does weird things when it's isolated and without stimulus. I just need to keep at the work and have faith in the process. The benefits others have derived is clear. I need to remember that when I try to talk myself out of it by saying that I'm just some crazy person wasting my life on this stuff. Day 3: Super fidgety and unfocused. Tried making excuses but ultimately kept pulling myself back. Low quality work was done but I'm making progress in facing the fear of going deep. If this is my hero's journey, the existential terror is my threshold guardian. I became somewhat conscious of the ego's deepest desire: To be God. It wants to control everything and satiate all desire.

The colour white doesn't exist, white is just a really intense black, but black nothing is the only thing that is real - everything else is projecting movies on top of movies. Even our shallow as shit forum posts. Everything is so small compared to the nothingness, it's eye-opening, and it's always there, right behind your back

@Leo GuraWhat about watching yourself in the mirror, it can become pretty trippy experience of self reflection if one looks long enough. I think it raises my wakefulness level and I become more aware of the nothingness, which is everything we know.... Then I snap my fingers, and create sound and continue exploring existence, while with open eyes, because there is no outside us, which means extroverts are just as introverted as introverts like me . I guess what I'm saying is self enquiry in front of the mirror can be pretty intense experience of reality!

Well, now that my ego is dead, the glimpses I had were spot on. It feels strange and I never thought for one moment that ego death would, in effect, make me become nothingness and empty. In buildings, I see the objects and I'm not there, just pure awareness. I'm now this blank presence that goes here and there seemingly with some person. I look down and see the phenomenon of a body that I used to identify as Eric. Now its just sort of coming out of nothing. To summarize: its completely turned everything 180 degrees. Holy crap! By the way, if my words don't express it, I'm blown away and there's no turning back. Even though five days ago I wasn't where I am now... its orders of magnitude different.

So a brief disclaimer here I would have put in my signature but evidently you aren't allowed one without a significant number of topics under your belt. I am taking the role of Adam Watts here, there is nothing to say about enlightenment, there is nothing to say about spirituality or Zen, you have to be it not hear it in words. Thus anything I say should be taken for it's entertainment value only and any insight it grants should be considered but a bonus. I wish to point out an interesting insight for those who have witnessed source, or who understand that existentially the only thing that is real and permanent is nothing at all. This is not to poke fun at religion (Leo has done enough of that for all of us), but because this is a very useful insight into the existential nature of your godhood, and if you're going to ever truly control your perceptions (which I have found to be possible) it's a fun exercise to experience and an invaluable insight which will chop away your moral high horse a bit or at least make you realize you're absolutely completely full of shit and that is unavoidable. So take your favorite psychedelic, sit back and contemplate the following. (Kinda guided but you can skip to the end to just take the intellectual riddle) God or Lord God is generally accepted to be everything (every thing), so if you are able to perceive things tune your awareness to the point that all perceptions merge. Where you see that audio, visual, tactile are all converging on one sensory point, we will call this your present point of view. If your eyes are open it likely appears to be a room of some sort but try and get in touch with the oneness where the room ceases to be a room and simply is a perception of a single canvas or painting with no objects unless you choose to focus on one. Now get in touch with your humanity, with every concept you've ever learned, and all your rational memory and you get what Don Juan referred to as the Tonal point of view. The thing sitting in-front of you represent God or at least your present understanding of God as a human being. Basically the sum of everything you have ever experienced is God as there is nothing outside of your own experiences that you can say is real. Notice the change to the sensory input as you breathe, taking breaths in through your nose especially helps and you'll see that the whole scene changes it's tone as you breathe in and out. The monkey mind is likely hard at work donating thoughts, if you can or are sufficiently tripped out watch those thoughts rise and fall. Where do they come from? Where do they go? If you watch one slowly enough try and give it a coordinate, just like an object in the room. Should you give it focus a thought will feel like it is coming from a specific point in your awareness. Watch that point and you will see no thought-thought- no thought. Or No Thing - Some Thing - No Thing. Now close your eyes and take in the void, if you're sufficiently tripped out notice the colors and the beautiful gallery of infinity before you. Try and have a full experience of no self while still being in control (Ie don't leave for 2 hours, just experience ego death for a few minutes). Merge with the void and let the monkey mind talk a bit more, watch again as some random spacial coordinate goes from No thing -> Some Thing -> No Thing again. The No Thing is of special interest because it is the only constant, if you're enlightened you already know that. So here is where it gets really fun. The No Thingness is what Don Juan refers to as the Nagual. The opposite side to having a self it is your existential nature as nothing at all. Just an empty vessel with some random swirl of perceptions within you. Let me propose to you that the Nagual is NOT god, because it is not composed of everything (every thing) as god is, and has no construction whatsoever. The Nothingness is very unique in that it is existentially being without any conscious ability to guide or change what you are experiencing. In order to consciously guide yourself you must first lie to yourself. If you are sufficiently tripped out or simply far enough along in your consciousness work you will notice a distinct change from when you move from the void or ego-death back to consensus reality. Just reaching for a glass of water requires that subtle change. So I want you to do that, go to complete ego death, and then VERY SLOWLY force yourself to open your eyes and interact with anything in the environment. You will notice that any sort of interaction with the environment, even if you're just guiding your meditation requires an original very specific lie. You have to tell yourself that you in fact have a self and you're so used to that particular lie it may take you a few months to actually watch it happen. If you did not believe you had a self with the utmost faith you would not be able to reach for the glass of water or think a specific thought. You would very much be at the mercy of whatever perception played upon your being. Now you have found what I am getting at, the very first lie that God tells himself, is that he is God. Without the lie that he is God there can be no interaction and no creativity. In order to create you require a vessel and that vessel is your first lie, for you know in reality you have no vessel and no reality within which to create anything at all. Thus you are now confronted with a very stark and difficult truth. Lord God lies to himself first and tells himself that he is Lord God, the rest of his universe is made from that first lie for from the self comes the lie that I am the one in my experience and there are others to interact with me who I call the many. Thus Lord God is actually the Father of Lies himself. Why is this important? Because you believe yourself to be the one in your experience, but your goal should be to be God in your experience. They're your perceptions and even if you support the scientific model you should know your entire experience of the universe happens inside your brain, thus there is no reason you can't say to hell with it and leave consensus reality and mold your own perceptions. But you can't do that if you think you're telling the truth when you're not. My point is if God is really the Devil then you should realize that in your reality you are God, you choose where you go and what you do. If you have choice then the choice is yours. If you think you're being truthful when you're lying to yourself then that is a very large trap you have fallen into, the self element is a complete lie, there is nothing wrong with it, but accept that you are a lie and thus anything you say, do, or think, is also by extension a lie. It can be a contextual truth, but it will never be an existential truth. Only when you truly get in touch with that insight will you be free. So unleash your inner devil and enjoy freedom. On a side note it does make the idealization of God as a very honest figure full of truth and benevolence kind of amusing. As every church you see is in actuality a temple to the Devil. All hail the father of lies, for we are the very lies which he has spewed. Oooooops. By contrast you will also notice that God has a master, God is a concept, and bound by the laws that all concepts must follow. It is a thing. Only the Nagual, is truly free for the Nagual may be nothing at all whenever it so chooses or more aptly stops choosing to be. Yours Truly Lord God. Signature: I call myself Lord God because there is absolutely no reason to externalize such an entity. If there is a Lord God then in my experience I surely am him for who else would I leave the mastery of my destiny to? If I am not Lord God then show him to me that I might laugh at the perception before my eyes for I am the Nagual and serve none.

HI Actualized.org Family! I wanted your input on this recent experience I've been having. As many of you know on here I practice Reiki Energy Healing so when I meditate I usually send reiki to myself and to other people usually via a prayer journal that I've created. To experience Reiki energy healing you don't have to be physically present to experience it's benefits. It can be sent distance wise, and can also bypass space and time and be sent into the past and into the future. It can also be sent to words on a piece of paper and the spiritual consciousness of the reiki energy sends healing to whatever you would like to focus on. If there is no specific intent on sending the energy, it will go where it is need the most whether physically, mentally, or spiritually. I decided to try a new meditation technique. Something completely new. So instead of sending healing energy to certain specific people, I send energy to the Earth and the entire Universe! Usually when I send out energy I get what I give out, and feel really calm and relaxed. This time it felt incredibly different. I imagine the Earth literally sitting in the palm of my hands and send energy to the Earth, but I also imagine the energy emanating from my body and just stretching out every where to everything. When I started to send energy to everything, without bias I felt this overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. In fact it was so strong that I was feeling unconditional LOVE and a sense of awww. I could feel my roles and my identity dropping, and my mind was completely wiped and empty. I just felt like this nothingness, a sense of just being, but it felt really good and I wanted to be there. I just wanted to MERGE with God/absolute infinity. I wanted to be the sea foam on the ocean, and the rain drops in a cloud. I've done this about 3 times already. The more I do this, the stronger it gets. It got so strong this time, I started feeling like I would literally give my life up for it! Like I would die for the universe because I love God so much. I don't know what is happening to me but I LOVE it!

Leo, after all the psychedelics do you still feel trapped in monkey mind during the day? A lot of what you said resonginated with my personal expeirences, however after serious inquiry while tripping last year there was a serious release of energy it felt like getting hit by lightening after that day I've felt pure nothingness inside my heart space and my mind is silent unless I engage it to do practical things. when I walk I can feel me consciousness as space like awareness, the body is just apparent if I push the awareness outward in everyday life I can not find myself as an object, Is this how it is for you? The thing I would say is wether you engage in material life or denounce it the one reality is still the same, it's a beautiful dynamic expression, our true self uses this body as a way of experiencing its self and realizing our selfs through forms is its highest joy. Thank-you for your time namaste.

How about this life purpose: - To witness my grandchildren get enlightened. Which is why to reach the greatest heights requires shedding egoic material, or purification to the point of nothingness or spirit. The word "spirit" connotes lightness of mechanism, and this is a good pointer of what you should be working towards. To be conscious, it to be able to see how a mechanism truly works, and its backfire potential.

Can use other labels too, im only labeling for the sake of the conversation. Lets call it the nothingness out of which all arises.

Enlightenment is only the beginning. There is infinity…to go far. Enlightenment is only a door, and then there is an unending existence, an unending evolution, expansion. The people who are unconscious, for them enlightenment is the goal; but they are not aware of the fact that enlightenment is only a door. Once you have reached it, then a new kind of pilgrimage starts. Up to this door you were an entity; beyond this door you will not be an entity, you will be just pure consciousness without a body, without a mind. You will be just a fragrance which will go on spreading all over existence. And the fragrance is luminous. It is full of awareness. It knows itself and it knows the whole existence around it – not as separate but part, a kind of at-one-ment. It is the universe and the universe is it; there is no division, no duality. Now the observer becomes the observed, the seer becomes the seen. He is both. Just as you enter beyond enlightenment into nothingness, there must be a possibility of coming out of nothingness back into form, back into existence—renewed, refreshed, luminous—on a totally different plane. In the East we have a conception of circles of existence and non-existence, just like day and night. Creation is followed by de-creation, everything goes into nothingness, just as day is followed by night and everything goes into darkness. And the period is going to be the same: as long as the creation is, so is the resting period going to be; and again there will be a creation of a higher order. And this will go on from eternity to eternity — creation, de-creation, creation, again de-creation—but each time the morning is more beautiful. Each dawn is more colorful, more alive; the birds are singing better, the flowers are bigger, with more fragrance. And the East has a tremendous courage of accepting the idea that this will go on forever and forever. There has never been any beginning, and there will be no end. It can be out of body experience near death, death means connection between body and consciousness is broken, you can not enter in same body again after death, it no longer remains suitable.

the fabric that is everything including you, and that is nothing in its nature and so only perceivable when it stops its nothingness to be anything specific, which is everything.

@Siim Land you go it. Eventually you can more readily see your own nothingness from seeing how nothing is outside of the giant causation. Then you can see that you are everything, so there is never a 'thing' worth worrying about. Then the rebirth, then the causation is malible.

I can't seem to get past this confusion. So, let's say we fast-forward 1000 years into the future. And let's say that science has uncovered the entire functionality of the brain. Now, let's look at this from the spiritual perspective. The scientist, that does not exist, sets a subject, that does not exist, into a device, that does not exist, that can manipulate the brain, that doesn't exist, in any form it pleases. The device, that does not exist, is capable to deactive and alter any system of the mind, that doesn't exist. The device, that doesn't exist, can turn off the cognitive system, that doesn't exist, that is creating ego, that doesn't exist, within the mind. Once the non-existent device turned off the non-existent ego, suddently the non-existent subject feels like he is becoming absolute infinity. That non-existent subject reports of losing the sense of self completely, saying infact the self was an illusion. Let's say the non-existent device can alter the non-existent cognitive systems in a way where time and space ceases to exist for the non-existent subject. The non-existent subject loses all sense of reality, as perfectly predicted by the non-existent device. The non-existent device can manipulate the non-existent brain to alter the non-existent subjects reality in any shape of form it pleases. It can turn the non-existent subjects reality into that of a plant. It can alter the reality in such fundamental ways that the non-existent subject will get a sense of nothingness. But the non-existent device can once more alter the non-existent subjects non-existent mind in a way that the non-existent ego emerges once more out of nothingness. The non-existent device could do anything. It could alter any function of the non-existent subjects mind in ways that the non-existent subject could have impossibly even imagined before. The non-existent subject might lose all sense of outer world, it might lose the sense of location, or seperateness. The non-existent device can play with the non-existent subjects mind in whatever way it wants. One moment the non-existent subject is enlightened, and then the next the non-existent subject is once more egoic. How can a non-existent device do anything? How can it predict the behaviour and consciousness of the non-existent subject? It would know exactly when "enlightenment" would occur, yet the expirience of enlightenment reveals that the device cannot exist, and that it is just a illusion of the mind. But it's the non-existent device that has absolute control over the non-existent subject, not the other way around. Of course the reality of the subject will change, because the device is in control of it's reality. It can control wether or not the expirience of the subject is that of absolute emptiness, or of seperateness and ego. Ironically though, the subject, once it expiriences emptiness, will belief that it is reality, because it doesn't even have the cognitive functions to distinct between anything. So, it is merely left with emptiness, and once the structures of the mind reemerge, the subject will belief it expirienced reality, when infact it just expirienced a different expirience, and altered reality. The non-existent device is in absolute control of the consciousness of the subject. The subject will at any time be absolutely certain that it's reality is reality. The egoic reality is an illusion once the subject is put into a different kind of reality. But what if both realities are illusions, that of nothingness just as much as that of ego. What if, whatever the non-existent device really is, is reality. What if that reality is so inaccessable, that we cannot even imagine it's properties, because properties themselves are part of the limited reality of the mind? Why else could a non-existent device play with a non-existent subjects consciousness as it pleases. Why else would it be able to alter consciousness in any way it wants, creating an enlightened being within a split second. What if, when the device decides that it wants to get rid of the subject, true nothingness will emerge? A nothingness so empty that it is void of expirience and consciousness itself? An emptiness that is so empty, that there is nothing to witness it? Maybe the rational mind underrestimates how much the subjective reality can be altered? Maybe it cannot grasp that whatever it "feels" reality to be is nothing more than an illusion, and yet, it is everything it has? Because if it cannot recognize that, then it will never recognize that even the greatest truth there is, is nothing but a lie. Even the most real and unlimited expirience, nothing but a simple expirience that does not go beyond what the expirience itself is. And, maybe it cannot recognize that everything that is expirienced, is not actually everything there is? What if the mind is just too limited to actually become aware of that, ever? If one expiriences "everything", isn't it merely an expirience of everything that the mind is capable of expiriencing? And to the mind, it will be infinite, because by definition it will literally be infinite within the perspective of the expirience. But why would the mind fall into the belief that the expirience of infinity is actually everything there is? Or is by definition saying "everything there is", merely pointing to the contents of the mind, because after all, what is beyond might be so incomprehendable that even content itself would be a false desciption? Or is true enlightenment, or the expirience of nothingness, merely a recognition that reality is beyond words, so beyond words and concept that everything the mind can come up with is absolutely nothing?

@Harikrishnan I think that both of those religion have some pros & cons : On one way the Buddha gives a great direct path to get to enlightement without even being obligated to take in count all the basic principles. The method is already great by itself. On the other hand Hinduism is more profund to the cultivation of good feelings and chakras to get to that : "aha" and eventually enlightement. I'll say ( well that's for me ) that both religion are interesting because they deliver two way of understanding the reality but also two final "truths" to understand which for me are relevant for the two of them which are : God by loving yourself and the World with Hinduism And Nothingness and Oneness with Buddhism.

@PureExp Is everything actually this consciousness/nothingness? Are consciousness and nothingness one and the same?

Look closer. Do you see a forehead? Or is the "forehead" an mental image? And does the line then terminate at a mental image? Is that what you ACTUALLY experience? Or do you ACTUALLY experience a line terminating at nothingness? And in a kid's mind, it makes sense that Santa Claus organizes the distribution of Christmas presents. Yes, "in your mind" it makes sense because it's a fantasy. In reality it's false. Your mind is the enemy here. What makes sense to the mind doesn't matter. Reality is otherwise. You can take it as an axiom of this work that no sensation perceives another. Now your job is to verify this by finding the actual perceiver. Hint: the actual perciever (you) is non-existent. You're never going to find it as an object. Because you are emptiness itself. There's no logical reason why it would. You have to discover via direct experience what you are. Then you'll see that what you are is infinite and without location (hence omnipresent). Well, be careful not to get lost in terminology. Language is a poor vehicle for this work. You need to have the direct experience of reality. "Silence" and "nothing" might point to the same thing. "Nothing", "source", and "no source" might point to the same thing. And "nothing" might point to something very different than what you imagine. Absolute reality is that which is true all the time, without change, under all circumstances. What is the ONE thing which never changes? Nothingness. Every other experience is relative truth. Hopefully you're starting to notice that all experience is changing all the time. Hence experiences cannot be The Truth. Experiences are not Absolute. To use a scientific metaphor, you might think of the vacuum of empty space as being an absolute. Although in fact, not even it is absolute, since it's merely a concept/experience your mind is having.

Consciousness != mind Emptiness != body The rest is more or less okay. Here's an idea of how to map it: Buddha = Jesus = God = you Consciousness = Awareness = Emptiness = Fullness = Divine Love Nothingness = No Self = God Ego = Mind = Sin = Devil = Hell Awareness = Holy Spirit Meditation = Prayer Reality = God Nirvana = Illumination = Kingdom Of Heaven = Bliss = Ecstasy

Entry 75 | Master Of Sleep Theory: The more you are able to be accepting of the present moment, the better you will be able to sleep at night. Applying it: Remind yourself that sleep is triggered from within. It does not rely upon anything in the external universe to create it. Ooh, this could actually be a deeper topic than I initially had in mind. Last night, my neighbours threw a party. And in typical student fashion, it continued until around 8am this morning. Loud dubstep-like music was playing from the guy's room opposite mine, so I could hear everything vibrantly. There must be a few angry neighbours around the block who didn't get enough sleep. But it just so happened that I slept like a log throughout the whole night. That is excluding one moment where the music got loud which woke me up for no more than a minute. This is wonderful news to know that I can sleep so soundly! Earlier in my entries, I was discussing my trouble sleeping all the way through the night. Now more than ever, that has become a thing of the past. Before I went to sleep, I did exactly what I have described above. I spoke aloud to myself, explaining that sleep comes from within. Nothing in the external universe can create sleep because it comes from deep within. It comes directly from the unconscious realm: the source of awareness. Not only did I reaffirm these truths to myself, I focused my mind so that the only thoughts that it digested were thoughts of sleep. The principles of success outlined in Think and Grow Rich came in handy here. By strengthening the desire to sleep by repeating the word "sleep" in my mind, I managed to receive it within only a few minutes. What helps too is that I wake up at the same time each morning: 7 am. I go to bed when my body feels tired, meaning that some nights can last longer than others. But by having an alarm for 7 am every morning, my mind recognises the habit and calls me to bed when it is ready. This further facilitates a better night's sleep. Now onto the deeper point of this topic, which has only just entered my mind. To repeat, sleep comes from within. That means NO external senses of sight, sound, and feeling can produce sleep. Now contemplate what happens throughout the conscious day. These external senses are being processed by the brain, which determines how the body reacts to the external world. Could sleep be possible during all of this? Just because you can see, hear, and feel on an external level doesn't suddenly mean that you are awake. Because sleep comes from within regardless of external circumstance, there is no reason why it can't operate in the midst of sight, sound, and sensation. This is where spiritual awakening comes into play. By waking up a little bit, you may experience the internal universe of thought, imagination, and emotion. By waking up even more, you may experience the True Self, God, Nothingness, or any other word that describes this thing that cannot be described in words. I've caught myself before in moments where I was so asleep that my thoughts and emotions were unconscious. I may agree to do a favour for someone instantaneously without paying attention to thoughts. It happens the other way around too. I can be so engaged with my thoughts and emotions that I pay no attention to what is happening externally. Even as I write this entry, my thoughts become so dominant that I forget to pay attention to what my body is doing. Perhaps it is sitting in an uncomfortable position and I haven't realised it yet. Once again, we have a balancing act. If one can pay attention to both the internal and external universes at the same time, then one can be more awake. Pick of the day: (It's random, I know. But it popped onto my YouTube feed.) (Also, I just realised that this film is a depiction of the success principles used correctly. Dorothy is persistent with her desire to return home. She meets other people with different stories but with the same desire for change. When they finally meet the wizard, he teaches them that they have had what they wanted all along. At this point, they WAKE UP and realise the truth and are, therefore, ready to receive it. That's why the good witch said she had to "work it out for herself.") (What's more, Dorothy needed to have faith in the belief "there's no place like home" in order for that belief to work its magic and grant her what she desires. If she tried to use the belief at the beginning of the movie, she wouldn't have had faith in its ability to take her home. That is why the good witch appears to her after she has learned the lesson of life. I will never look at this story in the same way again!)

I have always been a person who pursues self-improvement and that will never change. And I find Leo's work and similar videos inspiring, and will continue to both practice mindfulness, self-reflection, and youtube as a resource, for increasing my capabilities in life. But I don't find there to be much merit in the pursuit of direct meditation habit, searching for enlightenment, nonduality, or Leo's idea of authenticity and self-actualization, not for me. I'm looking for some people to respond to my thought on it. Basically, I've found a loss of meaning in what is done - whether I find enlightenment many ways, or am a person who is trapped in the lower self, nothing about the universe or existence itself changes in anyway. it is only a change in perspective - and this change in perspective is not something I really want. it's nice Leo's video of the 10 things you want but don't know it - but I just don't really find much meaning in "Wanting" or "desires" and whenever I say that I "want" a thing it is always just a decision. I want to relax, aka, I will now take the day off. Sure there are emotional drives that I notice - but in the end I always am making a conscious decision in these acts. What I intend to pursue regarding those is cultivating my focus and my mindfulness in the moment. Some times I may meditate as a way to increase these, but the habit I will form regarding meditation is mindfulness in the moment, or short breaks of self-observation or meditation, or a short break of a kind of intuitive release. something in a video I saw about allowing the mind to wander. so I will be using meditation as-needed, not as a habit. most often I will just lay down and nap, or if I'm on the work, take a walk outside. these are not "meditation" lol! but there is a way to make them like meditation, and that's what I'd be working on. The thing about nonduality and the authentic self - chasing that accomplishes what, enlightenment? I trust that enlightenment would be a great thing, and maybe later in life I will pursue it. but now - there are more pressing things in my life - and that is the thing. even in nonduality there is duality. (and even in duality there is nonduality) I was thinking about this before, and I've self-observed minimally, the other day. And as I sat in self-observation this morning I noticed a curious thing - when my eyes are open I see rich imagery, and when my eyes are closed I see no imagery at all. I do not fabricate images when my eyes are closed. this is something I always knew but - the point is, even if I find the enlightened perspective of how I really understand how all things are as one, infinity, nothingness, however you wish to call it. We go on living life as normal, just with a new perspective. Pursuing that is necessarily an endeavor of ego and duality! and even if we had a perfectly nondual perspective, there is necessarily a vibration of energy however way we theorize it which creates the illusions of duality and that won't change. I will not in my life find a situation where I'm a monk meditating all day in order to be as authentic as possible - in fact if I wished to be as authentic as possible I would just decopose as quickly as possible - but I do not do that because the splash of dual existence is nothing in comparison to infinity, that the true authentic path is to allow my splash to naturally unfold. our duality is itself the authentic nature of existence. and my splash does not follow a path towards monk-dom, and now I find it does not seek enlightenment. I do not really know what the ego is - in my perspective, ego and duality are one and the same. after all, all things are nondual in the end - the duality is just the illusion - right? but even that cannot be known. it's advised that nonduality can be directly experienced and witnessed - but so can the duality. I heard recently a person say, "what is "Real" in meaning? it is just an honorary title." and he said something about how in quantum mechanics, we call one thing or the other thing real but both realities are equally valid. This falls the same with duality v nonduality. both are valid. and if I were to fully pursue nonduality to be as nondual as possible - I would be discarding the dual existence that it so convincing. as I've mentioned before in this post - my perspective at hand is that in infinity my splash on the "consciousness field" so to speak is irrelevant - the perspective shifts create flow and being - and I can work on those without needing to dump my efforts into nonduality and enlightenment. through mindfulness, and being. It is not necessary for me to sit and contemplate enlightenment and nonduality, in order to exercise my ability to be present and aware. and in my limited life I will not reach the level of enlightenment of a monk - I will have significant dual existence, and it is more to my merit to work on making my dual existence one in the present moment, strategic, and aware. Sometimes I will meditate. sometimes I will self-observe. sometimes I will contemplate existence. but mostly I will practice mindfulness in the active moments. I will work on flow and focus and strategy, and work on negotiating my emotions so that they are no more than an experience, and not a tide which consumes my being. I will work on my practical skills beyond these - my skills of cooking, minimal lifestyle, employment. not in the immediate moment and future, but I will find life purpose both in work and in casual pursuit - maybe they will even tie into each other or be one and the same - but right now my "life purpose" is becoming self-sustainable within the next five years - not a 20-year goal - but it is what motivates me. I may be focusing my current efforts on picking myself out of my chair. walking to a new place. laying my hands upon some object. and manipulating in. this is what I've found to get me moving in an effective way - along with the various paradigm shifts which allowed me to focus on my work in this way. but by no means is this an enlightened decision. by no means is this "the final shift" by no means do I think I will stop self-improving, and self-actualization completely, just because I found a certain perspective that leads to this decision. But the path I am following is not the path of enlightenment and nonduality. it is a path of duality. and this is the path I follow. I feel that I have always been more in touch with intuition than the others around me. I do not know for sure what "intuition" means or how to truly tell that my ideas come from intuition instead of logic. and IMO - intuition and logic are like yin and yang - one cannot exist without the other. but I feel as if I am following intuition on several levels. and I know that logic is a part of my decision. But I do not feel that this is a decision of Ego. well - like I said - it is because ego is really just all of duality. but I have in the past been strongly swayed by my ego, but in this moment - I am swayed by intuition. maybe it is an intuitive response to a logical clinging onto duality. but I cannot just up and discard my duality - which means I will have restricted resources, or even wither away and die, if I try to focus on nonduality in my present life situation. I need to improve my dual existence first before it can even be worth pursuing enlightenment and nonduality - and I won't even pretend to carry on the assumption that that "will" happen later - that would be holding onto ego Thank you for allowing me to type this out. speaking and righting is another form of thinking and processing. I also look forward to any and all responses to my expressions here. and while I will minimize my forum use both here and elsewhere in the future - they consume me with ego, forums. I find it too distracting and too much of an influence on my emotional consumption -which is something I am working to minimize. so be it. but I will not kill my forum use outright - after all, expressing is a form of thinking, and the dual experience of the Other is an extension of my self that I must not sever off

Bonus stuff from long version. Puts final nails on the coffin of death --- All there is, is only Experiencing. Experiencing of birth implies an experiencer, and if that experiencer is already present experiencing its own birth, then it is not experiencing its own birth, its experiencing something else being born while wrongly assuming it itself is being born. Its a temporary forgetting and attachment to the scenery. In other words - ignorance. Experiencing its own birth is an impossibility for an experiencer, because it demands its own presence at its own birth. It is a clear absurdity, you see. It is stupidity to assume that the experiencer can be born. You are that experiencer. You never had that experience, and since experience is all there that exists, birth does not exist, as its experience does not exist and cannot exist. This is certain, this is by necessity. This is a must. Another way to think about it is by using your direct experience of your consciousness, which appears as no-thing, nothing... Its not even an experience strictly speaking, because it is the experiencer. Then it is not even the experiencer, there is just Experiencing. For convenience, we will simply say that you are nothingness at the core - just Emptiness. If you have that direct experience (easy to have it), then you will realize that it is not possible for nothingness to appear, there is nothing to appear ! And it is not possible for it to disappear, it is already nothing ! Well, that was a mind bender, but you will see that the mind stops here, it can't think now, and the concepts of birth and death simply fall apart like a house of cards, they are meaningless. You've been applying meaningless concepts to yourself, you see it now clearly.

@Natasha I tried it again. First I did the "Enlightenment - Part 3 - Creating An Experience Of No-Self" which I hadnt done before. This technique was quiet nice and has taught me a few more things about how to be in the present. I will try to integrate some of the methods to my daily meditations. After that I did the Neti Neti method again with Leos Guided meditation. I didnt reach the nothingness again. My ego fought quiet hard. I could keep presence and mindfulness until the part when I tried to find the nothingness but then my heart rate went nuts and my whole body started to sweat. I tried to calm myself which worked but it was already too late, it threw me off track. I kept trying until I realised that I already had lost mindfulness and presence. Kind of disappointing. But anyway, my meditations skills have improved a lot lately. I think I will just append self inquiry to each of my normal meditation sessions at the end and not put too much focus on it. Right now my ego seems to be too well prepared to trick it into letting go

I guess you are asking about the difference between experience before and after enlightenment. If "enlightenment" means a realization that you are pure awareness, the screen made of nothingness on which every experience is projected, then there would be no difference. As Leo said, the difference is now in perspective. It is flipped ! Now, I'm not claiming that I have achieved enlightenment, perhaps the above realization is only a start, but thats how I see it at current stage personally. About time, how much time it takes to know that "you" are awareness? 2 seconds. Right? The time it takes to answer the question - Are you aware now? How much time it takes to abide as awareness without falling back to old way? A life time.... That's the paradox, you see.

Enlightenment is a shift in PERSPECTIVE. That means, nothing about the "external" world changes. You just begin to see it in a radically different way. Sort of like reality flips inside out. The context of everything changes while the content remains the same. But you can't appreciate just how significantly a change in context can alter your relationship to the content. You'll have to discover that the context you call "my life" or "our reality" is totally unreal. It it's groundless! That "you were born" is just a story, and that you are inhabiting "this reality" is just a story. Yes, you are already enlightened, but it will take you many years of grueling flailing around to realize that. Your perspective must flip. That flip of course must occur in the present moment, because there's nothing other than the present. Nothingness exists in the exact same place as everything! For example, when you look at your lamp, are you aware that the lamp is nothing? It's nothing right now, as you're seeing it. The nothing is located exactly where the lamp is. It's not necessary for the lamp to disappear or change colors. Those are misleading expectations of the mind. You just have to realize that the lamp's "substance" is nothing. Everything is made out of this substance of "nothingness". It's like objects are hollow, including yourself. Consciousness is not a change in phenomena. It's a change in consciousness. You can't imagine it because your present consciousness prevents you. It's too low. As it rises, everything gets seen in a different way, although it's not like you're seeing aliens, dragons, and unicorns. The mundane world is enough. After enlightenment, the mundane becomes magical. Seeing a table or a lamp is no less magical than seeing a dragon or a unicorn. The mind likes to get lost on shiny objects. That's the whole problem. Nothingness isn't shiny at all, which is why you keep not seeing it.

"Ugh no, dad. It's not that you don't exist. It's just that what you currently think you are doesn't exist, and what you actually are is eternal nothingness, which is infinite God consciousness." - Thanksgiving 2017

Entry 71 | Death and Unconsciousness Theory: By examining death as being "the opposite of life," it can lead to all sorts of insights into what death actually is. Applying it: Realise that death is just unconsciousness and that it is nothing to fear. Remind yourself each day of this to shatter your fear of death and build more confidence. Over the last few days, I've been regularly contemplating the 'conscious realm' and the 'unconscious realm.' In other words, life and death. It is safe to assume that we experience both of these on a regular basis. The conscious realm is our waking life and the unconscious realm is the nothingness of deep sleep. I managed to dispell the common notions of death a few years ago with similar contemplation. The idea of an afterlife, or heaven and hell, seemed to be untrue in my eyes. Here's the reasoning I came to back in the day. If you consider death as simply "the opposite of life," then we have all experienced death already. The universe is said to have existed for billions of years prior to the present moment. During all that time, our bodies and minds were not born yet and, therefore, were not alive yet. You could say that we experienced billions of years of death before we were born into this universe. When our bodies and minds die, we simply return to that state of death. It is important to realise that this was based on certain assumptions. Those assumptions include that the universe DID exist for billions of years prior to our birth. But if all assumptions were thrown aside, nothing can change the fact that we were born out of death. We were born out of unconsciousness. I'm going to use "death" and "unconsciousness" interchangeably here. Think about the unconsciousness of sleep. There is a wonderful moment that happens when we slip into an unconscious state of being from our conscious being. Even more wonderful when you try to remember when that magic moment happened the next morning. Unconsciousness is free from sight, sound, sensation, thought, feelings, imagination, and self. Unconsciousness is nothingness. No forms exist within it. There is no such thing as time or space in the unconscious realm. The amazing thing about the unconscious realm is that it is whole and complete. Although there is no observer of the unconscious realm, it seems as though there is nothing lacking within it. From the unconscious state, there need not be a conscious realm to inhabit it. There's not even the possibility of a conscious realm in the state of unconsciousness. There need not be a body, a life, time and space, etc. The unconscious realm is perfect in its emptiness. What also baffles me is that when the conscious realm is being observed, one cannot begin to conceptualise the idea of unconsciousness. That is because it is beyond thought itself. As human beings, we experience the unconscious realm every time we sleep. And yet as we are 'awake,' the very idea of there being an unconscious realm seems unimaginable. There are some serious benefits that come from contemplating this stuff. The biggest of them all being the eventual removal of the fear of death. If you can equate death with the unconscious realm that we experience on a regular basis, then you realise that there is nothing to fear about death. That's what I'm working on at the minute. If this body and mind dies, that familiar but unimaginable state of unconsciousness is all that awaits. Nothing more. Also by contemplating these possibilities, it puts everything into perspective with regards to the conscious realm. All of these activities and goals that we set for ourselves are not nearly as important as we make them out to be. Sure, they can be useful from the human being's perspective because it can enable personal growth and evolution to occur. But in the grand scheme of life and death, they are not to be put on some pedestal that makes them more important than existence itself. Pick of the day: