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The connection is that suffering which is created by one's own unconscious narrativity comes to an end as you become aware of it. And that's no small part of the total share. But physical and circumstantial suffering aren't abolished. Aurobindo, for example, did teach that even physical suffering is a part of ananda and a major part of his personal efforts in Integral Yoga was regarding that subjective transformation of his experience.

So... it seem like I need to purge a little more before I get back to the message I'm trying to create. It feels amazing and admittedly this style of journaling with it being public is bringing a new depth then just journaling on my own. I guess I want to mention that this is not the first time that i've looked into my past. I've been working on my perception of my trauma since I was in middle school. But it almost feels like i'm really going to purify to the point where i'm not going to have anything hold be back. There's a few things that happened to me that I want to go ahead and record before I continue with my past. We can focus on what's happening now. This morning my dad's wife called. They've been married around 10 years now. They're still married but they live separately. They care for each other but I don't think the romance is there and i don't think the romance has been there for a long time. It seems like my dad's been looking for a lover his entire life. He married my mom at around 25, and as far as i know I think that was his first sexual partner. He's been through a number of wives now. And I know it's affected the way i use to look at relationships. But we won't get into it too much since that's not really my story to tell, but i'll mention when it happens to fall into the story. His wife is from Zambia. She's been working and going to school. She has two sons and her mother is here too. I answered the phone and I asked her how her tests were going... she's at her mid-terms trying to get her LPN (lol... I don't know all these initials... had to ask my dad some questions. He's answering so he knows i'm writing about him... lol He's doing his routine... reading his book around 1am and then he'll head to bed around 2am. My dad is the guy who always carries a book with him when he's in public. If has to wait then he'd rather be reading. When we go out of town to visit my brother and his family... I drive during the day so he can read, and then he'll drive a night. I use to be the gal who would carry my art projects with me... lol... in high school and college I would usually carry my notepad around so I can draw. If people were watching a show that didn't really interest me then I could get lost into my artwork.) She's been attempting a few times... she actually has to go to Ohio because she's reached the limit to pass the test in Indiana. She is so determined and I'm sure she's going to reach her goals of becoming an RN. To her she wants to provide money for her family here and also back home in Africa. Her family actually has gotten to the point where they just expect money whenever they want for any reason. She worked so hard that six years ago she got sick and couldn't recover quickly that she ended up in ICU. She also had medical issues that wasn't known to us. I have to constantly remind her to not run herself empty and just keep running on empty. But I don't see her often. But I've been making a more conscious attempt since I returned. She's got a big heart and I would love for my dad to have a relationship with her more then friendship. But I've also been the one that told him if he's not happy then he shouldn't be afraid to keep trying. I think that's why my dad moved back to our hometown for almost two years now. He turned 70 this February... and he has a limiting belief he's getting to old. But I'm telling you this man is not old... and if he could do some conscious work on his social skills... he could really have a chance to find that partner or even blossom the partner he has. I don't know if I said this yet but my dad's been my bestfriend for a long time. He is the only one who i've shared pretty much everything with. He knows pretty much everything I'm writing on my Forum posts... lol... I'm trying to get him interested... He's highly intellegent and maybe he could start his social skills by communicating online other than trying to talk to women... lol but i'm trying to make a more conscious effort to have a relationship with his wife and her family. Her mom had asked me to drive her to church... at first my dad was talking and assumed i'd say no and he said no too... but i heard him and told him I would. I'm always curious to hear what's being said in spiritual circles regardless if i agree or not. I was curious to hear what they are saying. I told her that I'd take her every other Sunday while I'm still here. This Sunday is her day... my cousin who wants to get the family to talk to my 2nd cousin about her mental state is supposed to be this Sunday too. So I told her I will do it and text my cousin I would be available after 3pm. This is a big step because I knew I returned to Indiana because I wanted to focus on myself but also I wanted to spend time with my family. And that assumption would be my dad's family who i grew up with. But I told my dad's wife that her mom is family too and I made a commitment with her first. I don't think we are ready to talk to the 2nd cousin right now. At least not in a serious way where it looks like we are going to be telling her we know what's best for her. I messaged saying that if we do this we should make a commitment to gain her trust before we go in too strong. Maybe we can just do some fun activities together like bowling or something. Something light hearted and just get to know each other more. I admit I feel like a stranger to her... she's a lot younger then I am and I only saw her at holidays but I was here and there for 20 years now. I love her but i don't really know her. I don't think she's going to be comfortable talking with me without having establishing trust. That side of the family doesn't even come to holidays anymore. I went to my aunt's to see them all. I was talking with her and I wanted to meet her son. She had just got out of jail and was telling me about it. Mostly she seemed like her attention was from one thing to another and the child was acting out a lot too. When she was younger my dad and her had a good relationship. I was talking to him trying to get him to join us. He doesn't know if he will, but he admitted that he knew the moment when he lost her trust. It had been a few years since they had seen each other and he said she could see in her eyes that she looked at him like she did as a child, but he said he didn't reciprocate it back and he could see the relationship broke at that time. He would be such a huge help. And it would be helpful for him too. I went to drop off the recycling which has been collecting over the winter... lol.. it was too cold for me to pack up the car to take the recycling. We have a shed at the back of the house that we just stored most of it, but some boxes were stored in my studio area as well. It's nice to start recycling in a smaller town. I had looked into before and there were quite a bit of rules which before I didn't want to do... I wanted it to be easier, but it is easy I just didn't think it was at first. I'm trying to create a recycling organizing space in the shed to hopefully promote my dad to start recycling. When it comes to trash day we don't really have a lot of trash. I'd say we only put trash out once maybe twice a month. Most of what we use is recyclable. When I arrived back at the house... it was in September last year... it was overwhelming how much clutter was collected at the house. At first you think we just need to figure out how to hire a dumpster and just throw it all away. Again since money is considered scarce in our family... that wasn't really an option but I also know i'm more conscious so I knew I could figure out how to organize what was there and start showing my dad how to recycle. I did a little when I was living in the city years ago, but we had a trash can specifically for recycling so again it was easier. I'm not sure how my dad got to the point of just collecting. I can assume once he had this place by himself he just needed things around him. I haven't really asked him about it, but he wasn't stopping me either for majority of the items. It was only when it came to his stuff did he want to go through it before i donated, or recycled, and finally trash it. It wasn't like he was attached to most of the clutter. He just didn't find it important. But.... i guess there is a tendency he has that might also have him collecting. I believe he thinks that at any moment society could fail. He collects water and food... He's digging a bomb shelter which I told him it should be used as a root cellar mostly and in a worse case scencario it could help shelter him from disaster. So yeah... i think that might have started him collecting thing just in case he will need it. I know I found myself wanting to find creative ways to use it purposefully. especially the items that aren't good for landfills and also unable to recycle... i've been having a challenge trying to recycle the foam that's been collected. If it wasn't so flammable I'd suggest it for insulation for the house. I had to hang layers of blankets onto the wall of my bedroom to try to stop the wind from blowing in the room and my dad has a heater he uses in his office which keeps him warm... he tries to use fans to get it to blow into my area but I told him that it's not needed. I can definitely layer up. The garage was even more packed from floor to ceiling and I tackled it and did pretty good, but i'm hoping this spring I can give it a go again. there's a lot of metal I'm going to scrap. I haven't done it before but i think i can figure it out. He's got appliances that's going to be hard to get rid of too. Lol.. i've been trying to find tinkerers... I might break down the big screen tvs and try to donate circuit boards. I'm not sure how it all will go, but again... he's just at a point if he doesn't see it, it's not an issue... and it's just not an issue anyway. I felt closterphobic when I first arrived. I think I mentioned I was sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the living room surrounded by stuff with a somewhat path to get through the room to get to the rest of the house. The bedroom I used was also full. I've been helping some older folks in Colorado when I went there for work in the summer the past five years so I know it looks like it's impossible, but really when you get into it it doesn't take as long as you'd think. Now I'm not saying we're done, but getting it to a point to be able to live in the space and walk around is crucial for me. I'm hoping by this spring my dad will help me continue the process. I love how i feel when I purge... I think he will enjoy the process too... and it's not so much as he had to deal with. I also wanted to spend some quality time with my little buddy too. Elvis has not liked the fact i've been in my dad's space using the computer. There's a line he won't cross because he thinks there's going to be a gray cat whos going to chase after him and fight. Which was the case, but since it started getting warmer we've been trying to keep her out. Dad's been able to seal up the subfloor, so she has to cry at the front or back door if she wants more food. (So my dad went to bed and all the tvs are shut off... i think it's time to find some music to play. Let's see if I have any suggestions for tonight... hmmm... I think i saw an artist i wanted to try out.. an Xavier Rudd. Oooow this playlist has Aboriginal art as the cover... interesting... i don't think i've heard these songs but let's give it a go. Enjoy! Any way I have a desk next to the hallway that leads to my dads and he sits there poking his face around the corner crying to me. He wants my attention. I tried picking him up and placing him on my lap so he can be with me as i type but he doesn't feel safe in this area. So i started traveling with him a few years ago. I took him to Hawaii and then I took him to Peru during my 8 months there. He definitely doesn't trust anyone or any animal. Sometimes he really freaks out with other cats. It's weird because he wasn't like that when Mika was with us. Well I know I want to get to the point where he's comfortable with people and other animals... of course to some extent... if he needs to run or fight for his life then i understand, but he's not in those situations 90% of the time if not more. It's been taking him a long time to even be really lovey with me... I'm not sure what he went through but I'm a cat lady... I love on my cats and pay a lot of attention to them... but he's been slowly allowing me to love on him more. And he's getting to the point where he lets me know he misses me when i'm not around as much as i usually am. Only since we've been here has he been wanting to laying on me while we sleep... probably because of the cold i'm not sure... but he's wanting to lay in my lap more too... so i love seeing that. Mika, my little princess... I was with her 14 years... and she would love for me to love on her... She passed away three days before I returned to Colorado right before covid shut everything down. I was taking a four month trip to Peru, Hawaii, and Australia. I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her, and my friend watching them had to deal with that while I was away. He said he didn't feel comfortable messaging me and he wanted to not worry while i was away. He buried her in his yard. We had spent six months with him when we first went to Colorado... so he had a relationship with my kiddo kitties. Since that happen... I decided I wasn't going to leave my little buddy behind anymore. I started getting him prepared to travel. I started letting him go outside. Got a bag and started taking him on walks in the bag with me. He's not too happy when I do that to him, but he'll get better used to it. Eventually I'll settle down somewhere where he'd be safe to stay alone if i go on short trips. I don't know we'll see. (Packed the pipe to take a few puffs.) It's definitely a larger challenge traveling with a cat. Especially because I run into more people who are opposed to cats compared to dogs... but oh my goodness he teaches me how much fear i still hold when i travel with him... lol i'll touch base with the details. So it's apparent to my dad and i we are just walkovers when it comes to kids and animals... lol we can't help ourselves but we love for them to be wild childs most of the time... but i'm getting a better understanding about having a balance with them. But anyway we have had these cats joining our space. Now again my dad says he's not really a cat person, not that he hates them or anything, but he wouldn't have a cat as a pet if it was his choice. But man cats love him... I'm sure if I wasn't with him this winter the cats wouldn't have been in the house as much as they have been. I could understand them wanting a shelter from the winter and getting food on the regular. And of course i don't mind loving on them. So there's a one-eyed Jack who's with us now. Honestly, I don't know if he's a he or not... he's not comfortable to be held yet and i'm ok with whatever it is... I prepared him a litter box because he just doesn't want to be outside. we don't know where he came from but he looks rough and I told dad that we can take care of him until he gets healthier... he's such a chill cat most of the time and he fits our temperaments. He's not trying to attack Elvis which makes me more comfortable to have him with us. Elvis... he's all talk... so he still let's Jack know he doesn't want to be friends yet...lol But when it's the four of us we don't have to separate any of the areas and i think i can get everyone comfortable with each other if i just take the time to do it. I think I have to gain more trust with Jack before I attempt them sharing the same space together...like a room together. I love observing animal behavior... I can learn a lot from them... but also my reactions or responses to my cats also teaches me as well. I worked a little on the bead curtain for my dad. I had a job for a short time when i arrived in indiana... it was theoretically a cool position. I did some maintenance and building and some interior design. I was making beads out of the scrapbook paper I have been storing here. The concept was recycling and repurposing. I was doing it at my pops and so it bled into the ideas i had for the project. I was creating a curtain and he mentioned he would like one too. I've been making clothes all winter in my own little world... I can use a break from it so i decided to start on my dad's curtain. i've been feeling a change and so i assumed it was because i'm ready to leave Indiana and possibly go to work for the summer. So i'm starting to purge my material possessions and organize my studio to become my dad's studio. But since i've been involved with this forum... maybe the change is the process i'm going through now. I might still need to tie up loose ends here in the house... i'm not sure i'm open. I want to return back to Peru so normally I go to Colorado and work a few jobs and save to be able to travel. So I'm looking to switch things up... I'd love to just do my own thing, but if i have to apply for another job then i'll do that too. I applied for a position in a secluded retreat in Alaska. I applied for two positions...the one I would prefer is the maintenance position. I'd like to learn more about the equipment they use and about electrical work more. they want five years experience which i don't have but i still applied. I was the first one to apply for the job so i sent a message to the contact if they don't have any other applicants that they won't be disappointed having me as a team member. I gave them my construction boss's number as a refferal. I really loved that about the tourist town in Colorado. they just needed help so it didn't matter i didn't have experience. Once i started working they started to understand how quickly i pick things up so usually they don't want me to leave... but i've got high standards... lol... it's hard for me to work for bosses who are low consciousness. It just doesn't seem worth my time and energy anymore. It was really apparent when I returned last summer from my transformation in Peru. I know I'm learning so many varied skills because i got a big vision of my own. Since my messages though it seems like there maybe a different way that i wasn't aware could be achieved... but anyway... i'm passionate to follow my spirituality... so i'll see where that leads me. So those are things that came up today to mention and elaborate on to give you more of a picture of what's going on in my life. (I thinks it's time to get back to my recollections of my childhood) So I took a look and I was talking about my grandmother. She was the glue to our family. When she was around our family would get together regularly every Sunday and holidays. I was one of the younger grandchildren of 11 at the time. Every Sunday we cousins would run around and play outside and hangout. It was really fun for the most part. I had mentioned I had an older cousin who treated me inappropriately not long after I arrived to Indiana. But again by then I saw everyone was family and I can trust them. I can't remember when it first happened I just remember it was something I had to deal with. Again I didn't tell anyone it was going on... looking back i couldn't understand why i didn't... but i was young and didn't know i was supposed to say anything. But since I had that experience with my mom's side I was better aware that I didn't like that type of attention. So I said all the cousins would be playing together.... there was usually 11 crazy kids from 5-18 years old. So it could be chaotic at times... so nobody seemed to notice when he would grab me and hold me... it was right in front of everyone. He didn't take me to anywhere private... it was right under everyone's nose. Our grandparents had a pool we would all play in and that was a location he found it easy to do this. I'd be playing and then he would get behind me and grab me and when i tried to get away he would hold me i felt so helpless... he would always go down my pants to rub me around my butt and the crack area... I'd try to resist and eventually i'd be able to get away because he didn't want to get caught. There were times when we would all be watching movies together. Everytime a blanket was involved no matter where it was again i'd find him behind me holding and restraining me when i tried to get away. Again it wasn't as if i knew he was getting any pleasure in doing this to me... i just knew i didn't want him to be doing it and it was the restraint that i hated... i felt so powerless... i also didn't know why they chose to do this to me... what was i doing wrong? There was a time when we were at one of my aunts and we were all watching a video with a blanket and he was doing what he wanted to do with me... this time another aunt caught him but she didn't say anything right away. I'm not sure how it went down but I was still living with my grandparents and they approached me about it. I was so scared and embarrassed I remember running and hiding under a shelves... i didn't want to get out from underneath. i thought they all hated me and was so disappointed in me because i didn't say anything. I don't remember anything else being said after that. I don't remember any of the family even my dad mention anything about it. All i know is that it stopped and I knew that i was so thankful someone finally caught him. But I still had to see him every Sunday. I didn't know what to do and everyone went on as if nothing happened so... i figured it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought it was. I remember feeling bad at how I was acting with his brother. His brother was an affectionate cousin but he wasn't trying to be sexual with anyone... anytime he would want to hold me I'd run off his lap immediately... he never tried to stop me and restrain me. He just wanted to love on me just like most of the other older cousins. the girls i didn't have a problem with letting them love on me. I didn't want to act that way to him, but I couldn't help myself... it was hard for me to differentiate him from his brother. I learned to be able to be comfortable in his presence. But it never left from the back of my mind. I remember once i started to get into middle school and started to connect how society saw those types of situations... child molestation issues. I started getting friends and found a few that had gone through similar situations... I really started to get angry and upset. At that time I was wanting to start to have boyfriends but I couldn't trust them in an intimate manner... i mean back then just holding hands and a little kiss or two. It wasn't like i was afraid of guys...far from it. i was a tomboy and most of my friends were guys... but when the first boys started asking me to be their girlfriend.. it was challenging. A part of me wanted to and another part of me felt like it was all wrong. I knew that part of me that thought it was wrong wasn't healthy even at that time. I was a normal teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions and i remember talking to my brother and dad about my memories of the cousin's doing those things to me and how i think it's affecting me with my relationships. I remember my brother was crying with me but he didn't know what to do but he was angry about it. I remember my dad was upset but it was as if he didn't believe me though either. That got me more upset because I've never wanted to lie to my dad... he's always made me feel like i could talk to him about anything... no matter what i talked about i knew he would still love me. But that moment of hesitation he had struck deep into me. They knew i was struggling but they didn't know how to help me so i knew i'd have to figure out a way on my own. I remember even back then realizing that they didn't know any better. They were probably going through so much and they didn't know how to treat me properly. What I ended up coming up with was my looks. I'm mixed so I don't look all caucasian and i don't look fully samoan either. I thought maybe when they looked at me they could really feel like i was there family because i looked so different from their family. I was trying to reason out that i don't have to hate them. i wanted to forgive them. But what i think i missed was forgiving myself for not knowing what to do in those situations. For not saying anything. Now that I look back at it... I didn't say anything because for me at the times they were happening didn't feel traumatic. It wasn't something i couldn't manage myself. It was when we were caught and other people knew about it was it traumatizing. And once i knew that society knows it's a problem yet most of the time it's not reported... or it's just an act that it didn't happen at all. I realize it's just where the collective consciousness has developed too... I know the collective continues to mature and learn healthier ways. Another residual affect from this happened later in my school days... i can't remember if i read it in high school or college, but i read an article about the victims of child molestation that they are more likely to molest other children. When I read this... it terrified me! I love kids and after that article I was terrified that I would be a person capable of doing that to a child. I would never imagine doing that and i had no desire, but since i read it in an article and it seemed like scientific research... i thought it was telling me that i'm going to grow into that. There was a boyfriend I dated who read something similar. He had the same fear too. He was molested as a child and since he was a victim he'll probably do it to another. I know no there's no way I'll do that to a child. I've healed and raised my consciousness enough to know I have no desire to do that with a child. But I remember the time when I was doubting myself, because I thought authorities' opinions were more valid then my own. (Let's take another puff or two... that wasn't that bad to purge out... it's getting easier... i'm not as hesitant or anxious... there are still some areas I know i'm not ready to reveal but I'm gaining more confidence that it's going to get easier the more i do this. I wonder if it's time to continue the editing of the messages I want to express. I've done quite a bit of purging so maybe that's allowed me to open up to feel my way through the message again. I'll go ahead and copy and paste from the last editing session.) (alright i had to use the restroom... i think i'm going to switch up the music now. There's a song i use in my bufo ceremonies that i love and i think it might help me connect deeper with myself. Let's give it a go. Ok the artist is Mose and the song is called, Medicine Women Continuous Mix Enjoy!) There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Can the collective consciousness purge together? (I am and others we can... but together? (if we are conscious, we can... but it's not now) Are we willing to do the work? (I am now but it took my consciousness time to be ready... we will when we are ready) (when will we be ready?) After purification? T Infinite possibilities are capable to manifest (it's already manifesting, but can we be more conscious to create more conscious of the manifestations) but when the collective is trapped by their beautiful chaos what direction are they steering towards? (unconscious manifestations) Or maybe it's not where that I'm concerned about... perfection is what we are and where we are, but we don't see it that way. (why? unconscious development) How long will we be trapped? (as long as we don't know we can develop consciousness deliberately) Are we willing to pay the price of conscious building so the rewards of bounty flourishes our lives? (this price will be paid by the willing if they we believe there are rewards... how can they we believe? doing the work will eliminate belief and then they know) Does it really have to take long? (personally it might have felt long, but four years isn't long) With focus I've found it doesn't have to take long. Can the collective share a same focus? (This is tricky easy to answer... the shared focus would be to increase their consciousness, but each individual has to find their own way to awaken their unique gifts they can share with the collective... that's what is tricky. it's only tricky because they think someone else will tell them how they will learn best, but only they know. they have to have the confidence to find their own answers) I want to believe... I know it's happening but can it happen now? (right now in my direct experience it is not happening.) Are we ready? (That is the question for the collective... are we ready?) and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. (very good! i love these sessions today... so worth it... thank you!) (I'm still in progress of finding a polished message... still have more work to do and i'm looking forward to it)

CHAOTIC RAMBLINGS IMPRESSIONS OF CHAOS Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. Another thing I noticed so far with my writing... i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. i definitely like it more for the public to read compared to this style of free flow. So this is a good point to give a try to edit the material and then have a polished piece afterwards. I'll try a different approach. I'll leave my ramblings. I'll copy and paste it and then I'll start editing. EDITING PROCESS hmm... what's the approach to edit this down. I know it's not in the appropriate order. I know most of this is going to be removed. Maybe I can show what's going to be removed. I want to go ahead and clarify how i'm giong to focus on topics and work my way towards my spiritual journey with Aya. How do I visually show the changes of movement? Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. So I had some good material and a good start from my first post so i'm copied and pasted so I can work with that context as well Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. So what's the sequence of the story? A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) I had to take a break. I felt like I was stuck and I was definitely distracted. Again I mentioned I returned to my dad's and it's easier for me to use his computer to use the keyboard to type out on the forum. His computer is in the room where he is mostly occupying majority of the time. He's set it up where the computer has two large screen tv's all clustered together. He's accustomed to watch three things at a time. I sit here to try to concentrate and it's very distracting. I haven't had a television for about eight years now... I am reminded how much time I can waste by watching television. My dad and I usually have our own space it's like we've split the house up where I have a bedroom and studio while my dad has his lounge area and bedroom. Also I feel like I want to discuss everything's going on at this time. I feel like there's a generational conditioning that's been very apparent in my awareness right now. I believe I mentioned he has his tendencies to be a hoarder and I've had these tendencies as well. I've been reducing my items especially when I left my home state five years ago. I was living in a home and I gave away most of my items, gave away my car, and moved into a little mountain village outside of the Rockies in Colorado. But there were those items that I just couldn't let go of so I end up bringing them back to my dad's. When I first arrived here I had taken my tubs from the garage and brought them in to go through I went through a big purge, but there's still items I know I don't want anymore so I feel like there's another purge right around the corner. I already have two tub fulls that are going to get donated. It's spring cleaning time. While I've been here I had to clear out a ton of items of my dads that just didn't get thrown away. I can't explain how many cardboard boxes he had held onto, plastic bottles, glass bottles, foam, etc. I couldn't just throw them away anymore... I want to be more conscious with trash so i started donating. I took him with me a few times to show him how easy it is. The recycling center in my hometown you just drive through. You don't have to get out of the car they do all the work. I have been designating tubs and boxes for sorting out the different materials that they accept. We had held off from recycling for most of the winter, but we have a shed where we can continue to store them and so on my break I went ahead and started getting those supplies gathered in my studio so I can take them tomorrow. We've got three days to take advantage of the center. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. I went to talk with a family member today... there's three of us who seem to be the family therapists per say. We don't have any degrees or anything. We just have more conscious awareness on our mental health. There's a second cousin whos been struggling for years now. And it's apparent to see the generational slow progression. My father's sister, in my opinion isn't developed in her mental awareness. I'm going to make a general statement but in our family in their age group... didn't express their feelings. They kept them inside and if somethiing was upsetting to them there wasn't a thought about getting help. It was more likely to ignore it. My aunt had three children. One of her daughters is having issues with her daughter. Now my cousin she's getting to see that her mental conditioning is not were she wants it to be. I'm not certain if this is because of the difficulties she's having with her daughter that it's more of a focal of her attention. She's know looking to get therapy to help her... shes' s in the late 40s-early 50s age group. Her daughter who my cousin wanted to talk to me about is in her late 20s. She wants the three of us to talk to her because her mom and her grandmother feel like they've reached their limit of being successful in guiding and assisting my second daughter. Now she's been conditioned by at least two generations of unhealthy mental awareness. Briefly she's got a lot going on but I'll just focus on one area of focus. She's now hitting herself when she's upset. She also suicidal. Another unfortunate piece to this... is she has a 3-4 year old son. Now he's watched his mom hitting herself as a coping habit... and they now see he's starting to do the same thing. Now we haven't gotten all the details but we were throwing around ideas. There was mention that our cousin wants the father to gain full custody of the child and i completely agree. She's not in a state to creat habits that's going to be healthy for the child. The father is still close to the family, so I feel like there might be opportunities for her to visit with him, but highly reduce the time she can spend. She's at the point of her life where she's not thinking about the future... she's going to think it's the end of the world if we support this. Generally maybe if we give her at least two years of detoxing and mental health therapy... she will be in a far better mental state to increase her time with her son, theoritical... we actually have no clue what that time line will be... it could be soon and it could be later... it depends on how conscious her helpers are whether it gets dragged out or not. But also the desire or willingness for her to want to change to help better herself which ultimately will translate with everyone around her including her son. We would assume she would be more aware that mental health issues is something to get help with if you aren't able to do it for yourself. So if we can get her into a type of therapy at her age. The son has already began his conditioning too, but if we can remove the toxic behaviors soon then later the more likely he can heal sooner then his mother. the longer she waits... the longer and more work will be needed to be applied for her son. We have a tentative plan to meet on Sunday. I asked what the setting was going to be... what will promote us to give her a safe family setting where she's not being attacked. Opportunity to do something all together, but also allow moments of one on one conversation... hopefully she might be comfortable with at least one of us to open up and express her feelings in a nonviolent manner. I've also spoke with a very close friend of mine earlier. I've been telling her about my experience with the forum and I had sent her information about possibly using the journal part of the forum. She had already mentioned a week ago that she wants to start a journal but she's never done one before. I told her just purge out her feelings and thoughts without caring or judging what she's writing. She said everytime she opens the journal her mind goes blank. She started her first sentence with exactly that statement. I said that's a great start. She said she also started writing affirmations. We worked on that a few years ago, but i told her that a journal could be just a place to purge. It doesn't have to be anything too structured. she's been dealing with an unhealthy relationship for over 10 years. Back and forth, back and forth... she know she's more conscious then he is, but she still cares and wants to hellp him. The last video Leo had posted was about gaslighting. Now I hadn't heard about gaslighting until my friend mentioned it years ago when she suspected he was doing that to her. So when I saw the word gaslighting I automatically thought of her. I started listening to first half of the video and I messaged her if she would be interested in possibly listening to the video. She accepted. She's starting to get to the point where she wants to take a more conscious effort in her self-development that's why I've been giving her possible ways to help her get process as she's going through everything. She's about to possibly go all-in with him, she's possibly going to switch up jobs, and she's possibly going to start a journal habit... she's has a full-time job with a house and yard to take care of and three dogs. It doesn't matter how much is on her plate I trust she's going to figure out what's going to work for her now. She's been gaining her confidence and she's looking to make some big changes. I want to support her as much as I can... but in truth I know she has to go through this process for herself so she can learn how to overcome the obstacles in her life. Which brings me back to my life. I also have some obstacles that I know I can overcome... so I know when you're working on yourself you're not just working on one topic and everything gets paused so you can deal with that one thing and then move onto the next and so on... it's all happening at once. So I want to start documenting what I'm dealing with as I go through this process of chaos to clarity... When it comes to my little buddy, Elvis... we've been together for about seven years now. We've been through so much already. When I first met him he was my roommate's cat and he allowed Elvis to just stay in one room without really giving him any affection or attention. I had to go in daily to love on him for I don't know how many months... 4-6 maybe before I got him out of the room. He would walk into other rooms but he wouldn't walk in the middle of the room... he would always slink around the walls and furniture he was so timid. I had another cat I had brought with me so I was learning how to share my time with both of them... she was already spoiled so she'd get jealous at first. Anyway... back to now we're staying at my dad's place and during the winter we had a cat who found a way to sneak in and out of the house through the crawlspace... my dad had a project he was working on in his bedroom where he's making a hot tub situation underneathe his bed so he had pulled the floor and he's got a levitating floor that's been rigged up. He's creative but he's only living on social security and so he uses the supplies that he has around the house. We might go into details later I'm not sure... well I'm sure we will but now is not the time. We've been a poverty status... income wise for most of my life. We aren't scarce in many other attributes of life, but money scarcity happens to be one condition I've also gained from my father. Back to my little guy... this stray that found her way in is pretty aggressive and would intimidate Elvis. He reverted going back into the closet mostly afraid to be out and about because of her. So we made a barrier between my space and my dads. We thought we can help feed her and also get warmth and a little love through the winter. She's back outside now but then now there's a little black cat that also found his way in as well. By the way my dad is not a "cat person" he likes animals and all but he wouldn't choose to get a cat as a pet. But I know how cat's respond to him and laugh because in his case the cats choose him and love him regardless if he recipricates the love back. He's a good guy so he's letting happen... this new one is skin and bones... he's got a bad eye that I don't think can be fixed so I'm calling him one-eyed Jack. But he's very much a loner so he's not trying to have any involvement with Elvis. We've taken down the barrier so they can roam around but there mostly staying on their own sides. Elvis is struggling because I've been spending so much time on my dad's space to use the computer. I'm trying to encourage him to join me in this space, but he has the memory of the first cat and is afraid or hesitant still... I can almost get him to come, but he chickens out. Traveling with Elvis has really helped me with my awareness of Fear and the balance of freedom. Maybe those stories will be brought too. Ok I feel better now... I had those thoughts in my head and now my dad's gone to bed... there's silence and my mind's more silent so I can now try to re-focus on editing the paragraphs I had earlier to create a concise entry of what my Journal will be and how it's going to be directed... for now... lol So where was I... I asked myself So what's the sequence of the story? I'll make a list of the areas i'd like to include and then see what order I'd like to use. Wait a minute let's listen to some music... lol I was listening to this on the first day when I tried to post for the first time. Actually I hadn't heard this song or artist before. This song was playing when I was gaining a huge insight and validation of where I am Spiritually... I was moved to tears at the time and it was the combination of the purge I was going through that was exremely deep for me and then in the background this song was playing... I figured I'd go ahead and share in case any of you are interested. I love music but I'm more of a random playlist person. So the artist is Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) the song is Aloha Ke Akua Enjoy! A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications with the collective B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) What I'm going to focus my topics on (daily life, address the programming I've gained, and lead to share my beginning of conscious spiritual journey (self-mastery) D) Insights (personal) as I go through this process Actually that brings up the fact there were two insights I gained that wasn't recorded because the failure to post. These insights helped me understand where I was trying to express in this Journal. I was journaling and purging it made it clear that 1) Other's don't understand me clearly, because of my chaotic style of my mind (That's how I go the title of my Journal... Chaos to Clarity... and then Leo suggested to make the title sexy so I thought I would add... Exposing Myself... because I don't want to hold anything back. The more honest i am with myself the deeper the rewards of this process.) The other insight 2) I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. That's why I'm going to have to wait to tell about my spiritual journal. I know I'm labeling it so it may seem like i'm not talking about spiritual work right now... but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. Here's a few sentences I found when I was going through my draft that I thought would be good for the introduction paragraph. but I've got to willing to try different things out. After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. As I was searching I noticed I was looking for content that wasn't there... so I'm going to go back through and check what I have written from the first post and also this post so far if I find anything else that would fit in this first group well... So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. Ok that's what I've found so let's start working with these inspirations to find the message I want to convey clearly. I know there was something I remember from the failed post... I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. I'm now going to copy and past in the order that might help guide me and also give a picture of how i'm trying to track down the "struggle" process of creating change in my life. Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here.but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me.I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me.I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge.That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price.but I've got to willing to try different things out.There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be.I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. Alright I like how the editing process is going... this is where a lot of the work is and I wanted to show that as accurtely as I can. So I'm going to go back and free-flow to try to put clarification in this first paragraph. I believe if I can get as many opportunities to free-flow that might be a good way to fine my authentic voice... i don't know but i'm going to try it out I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand my I'm having deja'vu right now. It's like I've remembered I was going to be doing this. beautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Alright I think I can work with this... I'm starting to get a bit tired so i'll start editing and see how long it takes. But i'll be finishing up this post soon. Again I'm not in a hurry to get this done. I'm enjoying this and I know it will come out when it's ready... and when I'm ready... we'll be aligned then There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Wow! Ok... this is getting even more interesting... it's intense for me... I continued to repeat on being patient... So i'm going to go ahead and leave it like this. I've got goosebumps all over and I feel like there's a tenseness in my abdomen which seems to be affecting my whole body... I might have even stopped breathing... I need to relax! The last two nights I've been up until around 6 am... I've been noticing there are items in this room that's starting to slowly wave out energetically... it's even giving them an impression they are moving or something... lol I don't know how to explain it... I just am trying to express as openly as possibly can. (Again I didn't get to post anything polished yet... but damn clarification is coming)

Second Attempt (editing while I have only a sentence or two of thought) So, I spent time writing my first post entry, and when I went to post submit there was a little mishap. Technically Fortunately I went through the experience already, so it should benefits me us now. because I went through the experience and learned how I'm going to attempt I have a better idea of how-to setup my Journal. I also found better clarity on what I want to attempt. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge. my thoughts, and then I'll be able to gain clarity with my communication with others. When I write my personal journals, I don't take the time or effort to edit my words. This however is a public journal and I want to be an effective communicator. I know I need more consciousness in But since I'm developing my this skills to communicate with the collective, I find I'm not as effective as I would like. I have a message I want to share, but and I want to be understood. So, you we are going to get a visual of how I'm editing my free flow to communicate and "the struggle" I'm going to experiencing as I find a way to present my a concise message with clarity. I am not going to erase my words as I type. I will strikethrough the words or and letters I want to delete. I'm using the Blue will indicate for the changes I've made from after my original thought. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price. Currently communication is important principal for me currently. I want to place My ramblings to will be on this right side. When I want to begin sharing my message with the collective in my version of a concise manner, I believe I will use the other left side. Now I'm using my dad's computer to type right now. It's making sense to me Using this large format it makes sense to use the different sides. I'm uncertain how this will be perceived on a mobile device. I will place the words in italics with the polished version on the left side maybe. I guess hope people will tell me whether I need to find a different approach or not. Because people are have different temperaments, people they will have a choice. If they are just interested in my final submission, then they can stick to the polished version on the left. whether they want to only read my message or If they are interested how want to listen to my process works along with my message, they can choose to read it all too. Again, I'd like to mention repeat that I already had a first attempt to post my Journal, but most of my work was deleted. For a second I was shocked. I couldn't find a way to recover it. With my experience though, I knew this wasn't luck; it was deliberate. Even though this may seem chaotic, it makes better sense. I guess I had to have more of choose a direction of how I wanted to present my Journal. I did however save some sections of my work onto another document. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. So I'm going to share those thoughts I was able to save. Let's see how we can incorporate them into the dialogue here. I'm going to paste the entire text and then I thought maybe we can I would just select a portion and discuss, but after reading it again I think it's best to just copy and paste the entire my attempt to of expression. At this stage I was about to start continue editing more, but then I realized I need to find a way to show "the process struggle" of the work. (I'm wondering if I should edit directly onto the pasted message or do something different. Hmmm... I'm in no hurry to rush through the process so I'm going to give us a break in struggling to read with the strikeouts and change of colors above.) First Attempt Inserted (I allowed myself longer periods of thought before I started editing, but I didn't effectively show how much wor all of the changes I was making). Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. (Is there a way to combine the two styles of editing? I really like how I can have longer periods of thought. That creates more of flow state for me. But I also want to be accurate to the editing process I have to do. There's so much more I'm unable to show like my spelling and grammar errors). Ok... it looks as if I need more time to figure out consider how to move forward. I know what I want to say, but adding the additional conversations about my This is going to be very valuable for me. I need to see I'll figure out how I can show share express my thoughts to the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I have to admit I have already tried to create a visual difference contrast to show these different areas, but I was unsuccessful so far. I posted a Help topic on the Forum to learn how to use the "insert existing attachment." and I probably need to allow more time for someone to help respond. I even thought I could insert basic html to possibly highlight the words with different colors. That's still a possibility. I'll look into that more. (Well... I didn't get to post anything polished yet, but actually that should've been expected. The magic is in the progression anyway.)

I found this thread last night and I allowed myself some time to digest. I guess I want to purge out some of my thoughts. I know I've learned a lot from Leo's guidance, I'm sure there's more I can learn. I'm here to understand myself more, so what am I understanding from this post? First, I noticed I wanted to say I'm Awake. But then I started to break down this transformation I experienced that I called Awake. Why do I call it Awake? Well... it did seem like when I opened my eyes it was the first time I experienced whatever I was looking at. It was as if I didn't even know what the concept of seeing was. I didn't know what my body was and I didn't know what my surroundings were. It was the first real experience of now with no memory of the past and no concept of future. I was being. I was a blank slate at the slightest moment before I opened my view point. The view started to slowly move around but it wasn't like I could put words on the blank slate. There were no words. What are words? I truly did not know I didn't know because I didn't know I could think. I didn't even know what I was. I believe it's when I moved my view to the other person with me did my memory sweep right back in and gave me context and history. To me using the word Awake seemed to be a perfect description. But is it really? Maybe it's the most common word used now adays, so it was just convenient for me to use that word. Maybe it's easier to be lazy and maybe it's the only way others will understand. But who else would understand? Well maybe no one. Awake... Enlightenment... when I hear these words, to me they seem like they're definite or even a final state. Maybe that's why I assumed it was a completion of some kind. But do I feel completed.... do I feel like I'm finished? Absolutely not! So maybe these words aren't as accurate to what my experience was. And really were those moments the only experience that transformed me? No, there has been several and most I haven't even been able to explain. Others I'm completely fine if I don't understand at all. But how many times have I recontextualized my experiences? Countless... and do I all of a sudden feel like I don't need to continue recontextualizing? lol...no! Have I held myself back in some of those experiences? Yes, I found moments where I wasn't ready to face them yet. But do I know I'll be ready with patience and more experience? Yes. Do I know there's so much more for me to learn? Infinitely more! Does that make me feel daunted? Absolutely not, I'm enlivened! I need to find a better word for what I went through. I don't think I should use a noun. Descriptive words might be helpful. It seems like it was an action as well. I think I'll need more time, energy, and effort to come up with something other than Awake. Thank you @Leo Gura for your help in guiding me through this work in progress looking for more clarification for my future!

@AndylizedAAY Well I've known about the forum so it's been stored back in my mind as a possibility. I happened to watch "the how to get laid" series after I skipped it, and I had a recommendation. I thought having a feminine perspective might help someone. I thought first to maybe just make a comment, but I figured I could give more information, so I thought I'd try out the forum. There's were a few days before I was accepted and there's my mind wondering if I wanted to get involved with the forum or not. I haven't been involved with a forum before so I figured it would be a good opportunity to check it out. I assumed there would be people here that I could relate with and vice versa. I want to ask myself... why am I still using the forum? I've been gaining benefits in just a few days. I went through a drastic transformation in my life, and I'm now getting an opportunity to see how I'm processing information and how I'm responding differently using this new format. I'm still feeling out the way to proceed. As an example, I want to answer your question. I decided to choose to tell you the brief days before I got on. But in another sense, everything has brought me to this moment too. In this moment what can I choose to express and how? I decided to redirect the question because I thought maybe I can gain a better understanding of where I'm at in this process. That is what's so different about this being my first forum. I'm conscious our conversation is public. I'm assuming others are building their consciousness... maybe I can respond in a way that can help or possibly teach others who can understand my style of presentation. I know I'm learning from having conversations here. Maybe there's different styles of presentation I can develop. I feel like I want to be open and vulnerable, and I feel like I want to reply with my process of thought. I find that the words I'm reading can be digested in so many more ways than usual. I feel like I'm looking for more clarification from others and myself. I'm figuring out how many assumptions I've had about someone's words... and yet it's almost like I'm trying to clarify what level of consciousness they are in too. Maybe I'm trying to find a way to communicate on different levels of consciousness so the person I'm speaking with understands, but also others who are at a different level. I know I've experienced this myself. One year I can read or hear something and there was an understanding. But when I return to the same source, I understand more. I realize my consciousness grew and I was able to allow more information in. I haven't posted much, but I'm trying to find a way that's effective. I want to get better at this so I feel this forum will help me build better communication skills. What about you? What brought you here and why do you continue using the forum?

@NoSelfSelf Hello there... I have a working understanding my mind can play tricks on me. In fact, I understand I like playing and challenges. Since I seem to perceive others to play with, then my curiosity seems to want to meet characters and learning to enjoy the interactions. I've gained so much understanding from others... mostly clarifying to myself how I don't want to be. But also, they're a gold mind on what I need to focus my personal work on... when I get triggered by others... I can start processing why am I so emotionally attached? Try to fit into the Forum... I guess I'd like to clarify myself... I'm not really wondering if I can fit into the Forum. I'm wondering if the Forum fits with me. Well again I find myself in a collective setting and I have many areas of interest in this life, and I thought maybe since I have gained so much value through Actualized that there could be others, I can socialize with whom might understand me a little better because they may know what the work involves, consciousness. I've found it challenging at times to have deeper conversations with others who seem to be in my physical presence. I figured I'd try the virtual world too. I'm not opposed to trying new things to see if I find value, and I'm not opposed to disregarding after giving it a good go at it. Regardless I'm going to learn more about myself and gain more clarification. This is some good stuff here... I find my own way of saying this to people I run into as well. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to make a suggestion: don't assume someone doesn't know or better yet live consciousness work, especially if they're drawn to this Forum. You say If you keep focusing on others then this work wont work. How's your work going for you? This may be true for you, but in my experience, I've been able to find my work involves others and myself. No matter how open I am to the possibility I am the only conscious being in my reality; I get confirmations that there are other conscious beings too. I've already mentioned some benefits of interacting with others above. I thought possibly it wouldn't be fair to ask you how your work is going without letting you know how my work is going for myself. Another member had asked what's the "real work" and it's good to see if we're on the same page or not. This is how I responded: With you, I'll give more details if you're open to it. I've found Ayahuasca as the tool to my Awakening. I love the whole... go to the jungle, ceremony thing. I mentioned pre-Awakening I was consciously working towards Enlightenment for five years. The first year was when I found Actualized videos. I was doing his homework and working them through. I purchased the Life Purpose course and gained so much value from clarification. The second year I found myself in the jungle and that's when everything amplified. It was a dramatic direct experience that inspired me to really get down and dirty. I was humbled so much... I didn't know a damn thing. I pretty much wiped my story I was telling myself clean. That actually includes the life purpose I was trying to narrow down in the course to why the fuck am I limiting myself. I moved to a secluded mountain town (technically it's called a village it's so small) next to the Rockies. I completely removed my body from social distractions I had created for thirty-some years in my home state. Fast forward to my Awakening circumstances. I created my surroundings to have ample time to focus on my spirituality. I went to Peru to attend my first shamanic dieta training which was going to be three months long, but I also didn't have a ticket to leave. I wanted time to allow myself to continue to explore Peru more if I wished afterwards. During my three months is when I went through my deaths to Awaken. There's so much that I can try to explain with language, but how I can plainly state it is: I transformed from being a human into being Universal and human. I was open to see if I was going to return to this Reality. I really didn't know and at times I didn't think I was going to return... but I'm back and I know that I'm Universal as well now, I want to help manifest the Reality around me not just myself which also includes others (without exclusion of animals, insects, plants, waterbodies, air quality, earth, etc.) I stayed in Peru for five more months exploring and meeting some locals and other travelers. In these months, I gained more awareness that I'm not giving myself solo time. I wasn't really respecting the transformation I experienced. I was riding the High, but not noticing the energetic depletion. Part of my old story was still lingering and so I thought I could return to the States and go back to work. I found out quickly that I was really sensitive to other energies. I found I was getting triggered what seemed like more easily than ever before. I knew I needed time to ground myself and I didn't know where to go. I thought maybe I needed to find an ashram or something. But I found myself returning back to my hometown after leaving 20 years. My dad still lives there, and I found my sanctuary with him. I am realizing that it's time to clean my slate again, but not as completely as I did before. For two months I rarely left my bedroom or studio. It was amazing! The last four months I've been slowly getting myself out and about. I've been checking with myself and cognizant of my emotional state whether to take on more or not. I'm an ambivert leaning towards introversion according to my personality tests. So I find it easier to be in my mind, but I'm starting to get restless because I've got a social side which has been neglected recently. I continue to deepen my understanding of the importance of balance and the work is to be more conscious until it just is. And now I'm here in the Forum. I want to direct my energies towards others who know the work includes raising awareness. I'll continue to develop my relationships who aren't as conscious; I'm not giving up on them. I just realize I have limited energy to share right now. But I'm feeling more and more comfortable to release my energy again now that I gave myself time. I've listened to the videos relating to cult and cult psychology. I have not had a direct experience with a cult... so I'm blind whether they exist or not, but I'm open to their existence. By no means do I consider Actualized as a cult... transparency has been apparent to me from the beginning. I promote Actualized so it's not as secretive. There's been so much work done by Leo with such diverse topics, it's easy for me to recommend them to people who frankly I don't have the time or energy to walk through the importance of conscious work. Maybe they can get their own inspiration from the videos like I did, but maybe not... I'm not sure. My work has made me extremely confident in my intelligence, my abilities, and my drive to create. It continues to deepen and so yes there's a part of me that can admit that I have a little star-struck quality in me towards Leo. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. But that doesn't matter of course, but the few days I've been on this Forum helped recontextualized my illusions I was constructing towards Leo. Again, I want to learn so I know it's not just Leo I have this tendency towards... I know there are others on my list and maybe this is something I created to help me work through that. I'll let you know I've got direction in my ceremonies which has been different then the past. Usually, it was very personal and that was easier for me. Now it involves working with others and traveling to locations I seem to have not experienced yet (possibly) and doing activities I haven't remembered training in. I love a challenge and it's taken me to ground my confidence to move forward. So, I'm feeling out different activities to see where they go to ultimately to create more opportunities of happiness to share with others. I'm happy and I want others to be as well. I'm giving the Forum a try; it's been beneficial for me already. Thank you for commenting on my post with your opinions. I'm learning how to communicate better with others, so you've been giving me that chance to develop it more. Maybe you can find me as a source to learn too.

@Yimpa Hey there! We realize language is very symbolic and limited, but when we're typing words to convey as sense of communication...I guess there's an assumption of intelligence that's going to interpret fairly close to the message being said. Let's see if we try to bring ourselves to a human speaking with another human for the moment... is that ok with you? I understand to assume makes an ass out of you and me... so I can start clarification and maybe you can clarify your definition afterwards. Real work has actually changed for me quite recently. First, my personal real work was to experience Awakening or Enlightenment... I thought it might take almost my entire lifetime to achieve that. I was wrong... it took me five years of dedicated focused work. Technically I've always been doing the work but I wasn't conscious of it, but once I was... it didn't take me long. After my Awakening I've been taking a long time to be comfortable with my transformation. Now I see the real work for me is to help the collective to Awaken and also to follow what guidance I've been receiving with my new sensitivites to continue to create and master this experience I'm involved in. How about you? Real life... when I'm talking casually with other humas, I refer to this shared experience that we seem to feel is the physical waking world. I was open to see where I ended up during and after my Awakening, and I returned back here in real life. For some reason I share this real life with others and I'm going to continue my real work in this real life. If you enjoy the work... it nevers stops. How about you?

I think my previous answer lacked nuance so I'll elaborate. The work and IFS are both sides of the same coin, love and light, masculine and feminine. The masculine mode of healing deals with dispelling illusions and transcending the parts with the light of awareness. The feminine mode of healing deals with loving the wounded parts to heal them. The work is fundamentally a masculine principle while IFS is the Feminine principle. However there is a significant asymmetry between IFS and the work. IFS is perhaps the most advanced and nuanced method of the feminine mode of healing. On the contrary, 'the work' is pretty shallow compared to other masculine healing modes such as Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, nonduality, the works of Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts, etc... That is not to say that it isn't useful. It seems like a really useful tool for the masculine approach. Just not the only tool. I actually realised I was doing 'The work' automatically after practicing meditation and mindfulness. In my personal experience, I have experienced more inner transformation and long term healing after a few months of IFS than 3 years of masculine healing. Interestingly, 'the work' became much easier after this healing and I found myself easily letting go of limiting beliefs. Both are true because the mind is a system of parts yet the ego is an illusion. Once you transcend the idea that you are a limited separate self, all suffering will cease because there is no one to suffer. However, complete ego transcendence is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for most people. An ego is also pretty much required to function in society, so unless you want to become a monk and live in a cave for the rest of your life, ego transcendence is not really a viable option for healing trauma. IFS is extremely effective for healing but It doesn't really transcend the ego. The masculine and feminine modes are healing are synergistic and people should do both.

Thank you for your work. I completely understand why you act the way you do. It can be extremely tricky to balance masculine and feminine compassion. Especially when your work is so out of the normal unconscious state, that it requires serious extreme wake-up calls and measures to cut through the bullshit, yet deep down it is all Love. If I am to give feedback, then it is not necessarily about your communication and the use of language, but about the fact that you could transform this place for more serious, mature, & open-minded people. But that is my bias. And from what I've seen lately, you are anyways probably taking more and more action toward this transformation. This would itself fix a lot of the need to communicate so harshly, which you probably would rather not practice. I love learning from you. Thank you.

"The only way to truly change the world is to make a break with it, to totally reject the existing order and its values, and to embrace a new mode of social organization that is based on equality, freedom, and solidarity." "Revolution is not just a change in the system, it is a change in our very way of life, a break with the old order and the creation of something radically new." "The true task of revolution is not just to overthrow the old order, but to create a new one, a society that is truly free, equal, and just." "Revolution is not just about changing the structure of society, it's about changing the way we think and feel about ourselves and our place in the world." "Revolution is not a one-time event, it is an ongoing process of struggle and transformation, a constant effort to create a better world." "The point of revolution is not just to seize power, it is to fundamentally transform the social relations that underlie power itself."

"Ken Wilber: The downside comes with people that only use psychedelics or drugs and I found that over the years they just become mean. It's somehow just kind of closes them down it's like you keep doing it and you keep doing it you keep doing it it doesn't quite cause the transformation. It can cause a peak experience but generally not a transformative experience and some people like David Deida will say that in order for altered changes of state to contribute to transformation a permanent transformation it has to be basically endogenous and not a exogenous it has to be has your own source People who do that (Psychedelics) the people that do use both (Meditation and Psychedelics) and use it as a sacrament i think an enormous bit out of it." As always: Consider the different perspectives and draw your own conclusions. PS: Lot of Leos work contains extraordinary metaphysical explanations that are in my perspective absolutely marvelous. I wish him permanent happiness, liberation and the bliss of constantly resting in his True Being, that will then radiate as love and compassion.

@M A J I I generally agree with what you’re saying, however over the last several months I’ve surprisingly noticed that some of my trips have altered my baseline in various ways. Not necessarily in the sense of “higher consciousness” - I agree that meditation and self-inquiry are the proper tools for that - but more so in changing the way I think about things One factor I’ve noticed is that only waiting a few weeks in between trips has been more effective than having months in between when I was first starting out. Especially if the trips are at fairly high doses, I’ve been able to generate momentum over time, which can help avoid the trap of getting too absorbed back into normal life and losing touch with the insights I’ve also noticed that for about 2 weeks after an intense trip I’ll have occasional periods of feeling a little “altered” in various ways. It might have something to do with the serotonin system resetting, I’m not sure. But yes, it’s not like the substance causes real transformation on its own. The integration work afterward is arguably even more important than the experience itself.

Based. You want an entourage of disruptive practices to go along with the main event. That is how you increase the odds of a deeper transformation taking place. And this is actually supported by Western science, just the very cutting edge of cognitive science.

@LSD-Rumi I guess you could do that, but then you'd likely be skipping the transformation journey, which is the best part. There's so much growth in developing your social skills.

This is in relation to kundalini but since ur friend used psychedelics it can be that he moved much energy in the system that he normally he is not used to. Question: I am unable to sleep due to excess Kundalini energy when I lay down despite being tired, how can I get some rest? Answer: The reason the energy is coursing more through the body right when you lay down is because the body mind is relaxed. When one is in this semi sleep relaxation state, kundalini flows most efficiently. The flow further excites the whole nervous system and there is excessive prana, which implies a speeding up and increase of hormonal production, or a susequent fatique of hormonal glands and decrease in production of both hormones and neurochemicals. The awakening of kundalini often disrupts the production of melatonin or creates excess in some cases, the intense inner fire and the light generated from the charged kundalini often disrupt sleep cycle and circadian rhythm. To assist the nervous sytem to calm down and produce ample melatonin, one should sit for meditation during the early morning as well as evening twilight phases. This circulates the energy so it wont attempt to charge up when you are relaxing for sleep, give it enough time to circulate as well as ground during the day instead. Other factors would be to use herbs that help calm the nervous sytem and help in production of melatonin. Below is a list of plants that can be used. Ashwagandha, Brahmi, Chamomile, Tagara, Valerian, Jatamansi Sarpagandha, shankhpushpi, Ashitaba. One must also understand the shakti will possibly keep one on fire burning many nights, such is this force of transformation, it demands absolute surrender and even letting go sleep sometimes. It should be seen as a complete rewiring of the entire being, and what may eventually emerge is a bodymind that does not require long hours of sleep.

I'm reminded of when Leo said he couldn't find a proper camera to record his alien transformation. I saw a ghost/spirit thing when I was really young. Now I'm wondering, if I had a camera, would I have been able to record it, or is it just locked into my state of consciousness? I think I finally understand Leo's sentiment about finding a proper camera. Although, the criteria that it should be easy to record or show to other people is pretty arbitrary. Has anyone ever recorded video evidence of a dream? No, but we know it exists.

An extra session of 45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation when I woke up today. Very sweet and calm meditation. I've been having 5 sessions with my therapist after I came home from Brazil, primarily because of this insanse crush I experienced. Something is still not in balance within myself since I'm getting sucked into obsessive crushes like that, and I'm trying to get to the roots of it. Well, anyways, since I'm moving on from that crush it is not so active anymore, and we are looking at others things, and last time we were specifically looking at what is causing my cannabis-addiction, and I think the biggest cause for that has been loneliness. And after that acknowledgement I have been really able to own my loneliness to a much greater extent, and I can really feel that something has shifted in my meditation because of that. There is a much greater capacity to just sit with everything that pops up. I think FOMO, fear of missing out, has been a huge driving force in my life, and I've been really running around from one thing to the other, searching for my self and for my people, and I think from now on it will be easier to just settle down in my own space and really let things calm down, and connect with my deeper purpose. And especially now that cannabis and alcohol is gone, so many distractions have already been removed that has so far made my self-improvement project into something half-baked, and I think the really deep and profound transformation that I'm searching for is getting closer. This was a really cool video by the way. I really like the vibe of this guy.

8 more months and I'm out of this country. Sometimes it seems like it's too far away, but I cannot lie, time does fly much faster with you around. Everything is so still and silent when I'm on my own... I must see this through. I must finish what I started. It's tempting to give up and go back to my old ways... especially if I think about you leaving... but I cannot do that. I want this. I want to realize my vision. It's my greatest transformation yet. And even though it seem far away, the process is still super accelerated. I'm doing a lot in a short timeframe. Changing several core aspects of myself. Growing at lightning speed. And that comes with pain and lots of challenges. There's just no way around it. I must go through. I cannot say that you are holding me back just yet. But you do cause extra pain and confusion in me. You also bring a lot of joy and pleasure into my life, but it's mixed with all that nastiness. Therefore I cannot really say that I want to take you with me when the time comes and I leave. I do not want to drag this with me. I want a clean, fresh start and I doubt you could adjust to that. I doubt you could follow me into this new life that I'm creating.

The problem is not the lie. This seems to be a big issue you have and a conflict between you and your dad. I would talk it out. So you don't have to feel like putting on a facade whenever the topic comes up. This also means being true to yourself. Many people have a bad understanding of drugs, they only know it in reference to things like weed, cocaine or heroin. They might lost a friend to it. Or see someone totally mess up their lives because of it (at least that's what they think). On the other hand, using substances to explore your consciousness, to get some answers or a transformation you have been looking for, is a totally different case. So have the talk with him about your intentions and whatnot and you can even talk about your trips with him, just make sure he knows you are "safe" and not going down the drain sticking needles in your arms in the alleyway. You are likely going to have to do a lot of education. But if you don't want to talk with him about this then just say you didn't take any drugs. In your mind you just make a differentiation between drugs and psychedelics. Done. Personally, I don't bring up the topic with my parents but if they ask and want to know then I would not hesitate to tell them.

I wish it was fair play. But it cannot be. The lesson would not be learned. The transformation would be incomplete. It must be twisted and unjust. You are the catalyst. You are the announcer of change.

First, I'll try to add helpful information and insights, and not just make it about me (but it kinda is, hehe) 1. Backstory I discovered Leos's content about four years ago when I was 21. It started as an intellectual activity, but the more I soaked in Leo's thoughts and insights, I had over the years slowly transformed the way my mind works. I am forever grateful to Actualized.org for being a catalyst for change. However, I am still on this journey. Many more miles ahead. Much growth was achieved, and even more so is needed. I found the path; this I know. Yet, I don't know where it's going. I finished the LP course three years ago during my last semester of university. It gave me so much clarity, and I'm confident I found my LP. I retook the course couple of months ago as I feel like I changed and grew, my LP/values are about the same, but I iterated it even more and refreshed my mind. During these past few years, I have been obsessed with LP. Yet, simultaneously, I was dealing with all sorts of issues (mental and physical health, relationship, feeling lost, feeling like life was passing away): Can anyone relate to this emotion in particular? "Mono no aware (物の哀れ),[a] literally "the pathos of things," and also translated as "an empathy toward things," or "a sensitivity to ephemera," is a Japanese idiom for the awareness of impermanence (無常, mujō), or transience of things, and both a transient gentle sadness (or wistfulness) at their passing as well as a longer, deeper gentle sadness about this state being the reality of life." I slacked off sometimes; I fell back into old habits. Backsliding, ego-backlash-- you guys know this; it is inevitable. With each backslides and the ensuing BACKUPS, I got a bit better, inching closer and closer toward what I seek. That's the story I tell myself. Stories are so important; we are all creating a story, your Life story. Article: Selves Creating Stories Creating Selves: A Process Model of Self-Development (https://sci-hub.wf/10.1177/1088868307301034) 2. Life purpose, Business, and Life Continuing my story, I have had experiences where I am convinced that the universe was directly helping me (in very weird and synchronistic ways). Opportunities manifested, the right books appeared, and signs and signals were given. However, not all were seen and heeded by me. For example, I experienced getting paid to do my LP! I actually got paid to do something so niche I never thought anyone would be interested. However, it opened my eyes to the possibility of "Hey, this is fucking possible." I had this experience twice last year. Most days, I felt too overwhelmed, sad, lost, and confused. However, some days I experience stuff like this: working on a project, journaling meaningful ideas and insights, adventure, doing something skillfully/creatively, or being very productive. These days are so important. These are the days that reaffirm our inclinations toward self-development. These are the days that allow us a glimpse of the future we seek. These days will enable us to become fully present in what we're doing to enjoy the life we already have and cherish the only moment that ever exists. These are the days we live for. The journey of Mastery/Life purpose is meaningful; It's way more than just making a living. Mastering yourself is loving yourself. "Though you can love what you do not master, you cannot master what you do not love." -Mokokoma Mokhonoana But this life-purpose business has made me more anxious and serious. It's all I think about. I'm 25 and feel like I'm running out of time. I am continuously seeking and seeking. So I've been trying to change how I view this situation; I want it to be more playful. I really recommend this channel. Solid, and it has helped me a lot. He also mentioned listening to Actualzied.org (so I think you will like the content). "The untuned mind receives no signal from the universe." -Michael Bassey Johnson I've been trying to tune in more. But life is so overwhelming. Especially work and survival. How can we tune in more? What is tuning in? We mean observing, listening, seeing, looking into, and being curious about. However, we cannot tune in without first tuning out. We tune into something by first tuning out whatever is not allowing us to tune in, in the first place (i.e., work). Again we see the exquisite balance of seemingly opposing acts, tune in/tune out. Tune out the noise to tune in to creativity, insight, and wisdom. In our age especially, this is the most underrated skill, the skill of conscious awareness, focus, and filtering out the unnecessary. "Keep your mouth shut; guard your senses. And life will be ever full. Open your mouth, always be busy, and life is beyond hope." -Tao Te Ching 3. Conclusion This is where I am at in life. I'm seeking to actualize my potential and fulfill my life's purpose. Even though I grew a lot, I feel more lost sometimes. I'm struggling with work, and I'm starting to hate it. I feel stuck. But I've also had the best experiences of my life these past two years. I am genuinely grateful for who I am at this moment, but I am also seeking to kill some parts of me and transform. To be content with yourself and earnestly seek personal transformation is the balance that must be struck. Any insights or experiences of your own? Any advice for me? How do you navigate this terrain? Any helpful stories you'd like to share? I needed to get this out of my chest to people who know what I'm talking about. I also hope you found something useful. Thanks.

That's the method of renunciation i believe. I heard one example once. There're three methods of dealing with a poisonous plant. One is u stay away from it. Renunciation. Two is you're a healer and u can transform poison into medicine. The way of tantra. Or the way of alchemy. Or the way of transformation. (Has many names) And three u consume the poison directly and u see that nothing in the universe can harm u bc u don't exist. That's dzogchen, abiding in no self kind of thing. Just felt like sharing

here are ten quotes from Bernadette Roberts courtesy of chat-gpt "The idea of Jesus as a separate individual who is the savior of the world is a myth. The reality is that Jesus represents the universal human experience of awakening to our true nature." "To experience the reality of Jesus is to experience the reality of the self that is beyond the ego and the personal self." "Jesus is not an external figure that we need to worship or believe in. He is an expression of the universal consciousness that we all share." "The teachings of Jesus are not about dogma or doctrine. They are about awakening to the truth of our being." "The message of Jesus is not about salvation in the afterlife. It's about liberation from the illusion of separation in this life." "The Christ consciousness that Jesus embodied is not limited to him alone. It is available to all who are willing to undergo the transformation of consciousness." "The true meaning of the resurrection is not a physical event. It's the awakening of the self that is beyond death and the fear of death." "The essence of Jesus' teachings is to love your neighbor as yourself. This requires a radical shift in consciousness from self-centeredness to other-centeredness." "Jesus did not come to establish a new religion or to set himself up as a divine authority. He came to awaken humanity to the reality of their true nature." "The image of Jesus as a suffering servant who sacrifices himself for the salvation of humanity is a misinterpretation of his teachings. The real sacrifice is the surrender of the ego and the personal self to the reality of the true self."

T.TRAVEL ( FINAL POST) One must always act rationally. / is always justified in acting rationally. Its possible to be rational and be wrong-dillahunty etc Reasons for not T.travel( asking randoms/phys.dm) 1) shiroish/ unit 73 possibility Give up on connection chance in this timeline. Might 10mins 2) dancehall b sobstory possibility - harold, kavindu,fowler, damsith , akalanka(lazy neglect)-point to the possibility. Doesnt mean all ☆ms are bad. Means according to naturalism ( red-green transformation hasnt had enough time to develop) 3) challenger space shuttle crash Completely at the whim of phys. Phys decide to use me as another testsubject? Eg - brazen bull instead of tmachine? Entirely possible. -Dont even know al phys. Have no reason to believe t.travel. completely at their mercy 4)famdom instability i) even if possible MY TIMELINE fam will xp dissapointment, embarrasement, will have to pay for caltech, might have memories wiped etc - otherwise theyll have to choose to cease to exist or something ( unlikely,psychological impossibility) Manifesting can make them okay with it? Manifesting= god If im god connections are not needed as r.spira etc have said. Ideology is clear - comfort. Make the dream more convincing Embarrasment for sj etc Fam of -eng,dr, law,judgs one person walking around asking if t.travel possible presuming it is And accusing others of lying 4) even if t.travel is possible the CLOSEST THING to a gurantee i have is No lie- comfort of all beings Boxrug- tumor harm etc entirely possible. The correct path is still to gather attention to truth. Physecurity Connection? Pera- nonhailo ☆g (letch, ranj, chandra , az,saf possible) etc) There are many nonbunkable rational reasons to go with my choice. Ill revisit t.travel after i) azim 10mins ii) no more 12 ( 50 +) What reason do you have to believe t.travel work? Mainly manifesting- if i believe it enough / intuite it famdom will go along with it ( pay for caltech, allow to wander around asking others for travel without embarassment Pay for p.priority etc without asking questions during dinners etc. Wont have to explain to bashr , tRiq etc about what im doing ☆and since i feel like someone might know. I can manifest them knowing Or the creator will grant it to me since ive been brave. Objections - jenmiraphone , zpsgames , sjipod , umutuitionteachertold not to ask - all of the above i did without any doubt there would be no consequences ? And yet?- proof even if i have no negative thoughts things can not go into plan Other than this i have no other reason to belief. Faith. -since the nolie, current timeline track is best for others as well. Follow this track and have FAITH best possible outcome will occur under circumstances. Track started immediately. On mother mary i will not ask for another chance. Ive been granted one , but i will not get another. To ask again is to ask to dishonour m./ the most precious thing in the world to creator. ( felines, kittens,lambs etc) maybe unimportant/ non sentimental to you but the creator cares. So I am asking for an impossibilty. Starts immediately when i hit post. Alignment with realities structure, beings ground.