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There is a thing called moderation, right? It is not about no policy at all versus going full Stalinism. I care about them too. But virus outbreaks will happen more often from now on. We can’t afford going in full lock downs to save couple of old people. A lot of people will die from suicide, poverty or some other causes if we keep locking shit down. Sometimes difficult decisions are not easy to take.

Because people are trying to discredit me and show the biggest liar who has hurt me physically in life and helped them destroy me to show him as noble and good and benevolent and loving towards me, whike poisoning me and trying to bring me into a state from which I'll attack someone for a good reason but without proof so that they can cut me dry, as though they already haven't. They want to make me commit suicide, but not to die. They want me to hurt myself hard, to be hurt and in pain. It's hard. My life.

@josemar Yeah, I want to keep myself in existence, but not like this. I'm actually very happy for the fact that I wouldn't see people that have hurt me in life. It's so great. I'd be free and safe from them all. 5-Meo-DMT will never work on me because it's just a substance for temporary death. Seeing death for what it is changes almost nothing in my life. Plus, it is easier to get suicide than 5-Meo-DMT. What can this substance do for me other than make me happy for a short while? It's a reward. It doesn't make you any smarter, any safer or healthier, it doesn't detox you, it doesn't help you sleep or meditate in calmness for hours, it's almost like a drug, except that it isn't. Magic mushrooms probably are like a drug, and I'd probably eat them every day, multiple times a day. That still costs and requires me to work and function as a member of some grouo of peopls that is a part of some larger group of people and so forth. I'll never do that.

In my opinion God doesn't mind what happens to individual life forms. He pertains to the whole. So when people ask why doesn't god help me they don't understand god only cares about the whole and not you in particular. I'm asking because I just heard that a friend tried to hang himself from a rope. He attached it to the sealing of his house, put it around his neck and jumped from the chair only for the sealing to come down. He told me he believed God helped him for a reason, otherwise he would be dead. I'm happy that he is still alive but this made me thinking... Personally, I think you are your own god. For example if I wanted to kill myself I wouldn't fail at that, especially if it is such a big life decision. I don't get why people fail at everything in their life including failing at suicide. You had just one job and you even fail at that. But that is neither here or there. So did God helped him? In a sense yes, he helped himself by failing.

I do understand that approaching is important, it clearly puts hairs on your chest. It takes balls to do it. Yeah you’re right about Mystery and all the other top PUA teachers, they either had a shit childhood or some other serious issue underneath. I used to like Tom Torero and he was getting laid like a rockstar - only to then commit suicide a few years ago. This just tells me that even if you are banging hundreds of chicks it doesn’t mean you’re mentally sound.

Holykael is the most honest ego and simultaneously the most dishonest ego. Every ego wants to be God. Currently the number one thing egos chase is money due to survival purposes and after that relationships and sex. If you notice those three are usually the most complained about with physical health taking up the 4th place spot. The reason there are so many complaints is because they do not know love. All of this conflict is inner turmoil that has not been resolved. All egos on this planet will be faced with suffering of some kind and unless you work to overcome your judgments you will suffer your entire life. Anyone who has done extensive study on the rich and the affluent will discover they are not immune to this suffering. Before I entered spirituality I noticed this. So the biggest lie that everyone believes is that your happiness or lack thereof is based on how well your survival is going. This is the first lie that literally runs majority of people's lives so they chase physical comfort. It's sad that this lie has been able to be pushed so effectively. But think about this....America's wealth collectively has increased. But according to opinion polls and mental hospital reports the population suffers from more depression, and suicide attempts than earlier in their history when poverty was more widespread. In fact it seems the middle class enjoys more healthy levels of satisfaction than the poor or the very rich. The poor mainly suffer due to poor physical health and the rich suffer with the fear of losing what they have built, and boredom with the riches. At a certain point some start to feel empty inside due to not being able to quench their excessive greed. https://youtu.be/ALJkVgmW4jg?si=7CUqb6U98jooFuhH

I have a love-hate relationship with God. In fact, I curse God regularly. Why? Because I know nothing is random. Every human, animal, event, situation, plan, system, spiritual teacher, molecule, cell, etc. is manifested or materialized according to God's will. Every form of suffering or ugliness such as child abuse, rape, cancer, depression, self-murder (suicide), murder, ALS, HIV, Hashimoto disease, anxiety, down syndrome, corruption, exploitation, war, bipolar disorder, the natural cycle of animals eating other animals for survival, etc. exists because God wills it. Only a bastard can design such shit. I understand my perspective and perception are limited; hence, I don't see the grandest scheme of things. But my human perspective and perception are all I have. I must honor them. I even intuit that such horrors I mentioned are needed for the highest good and beauty. God is unlimited, hence it's perfect. If there's a perspective which is faulty, it's mine, not God's. I understand these things. But in the end, I must honor my limited perspective and perception. As I have said, it's all I have. I feel doing so is actually more genuine than pretending I have access to God's unlimited perspective and see perfection in all the horrors of this dream existence.

I say this with the utmost sincerity.....all complaints we have are just self-serving, they are just our selfishness. Not saying you aren't allowed to complain, based on what you have posted I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through. Sure you can observe, but observation is not the same as feeling those emotions. Empathy is not sympathy!!! You cannot understand someone unless you walk a mile in their shoes. All those supposed experts learn that they don't know shit. Why? Because it's one thing to observe something, it's another to be in it. Additionally many of those people you mentioned, kill themselves!!! https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psymon-says/202302/why-are-psychologists-at-greater-risk-of-suicide What usually has to happen is people in these occupations have to actually DETACH themselves, because the emotional toil to connect with someone in their emotional despair is taxing!! This is why it is tough to actually find people that empathize with you. It's really easy to sit here in the comfort of our home, and type "Oh I understand..." I am not arrogant enough to think I understand the pain of someone with great physical suffering. Why? Because I went through my own suffering early in my life and I know that suffering can only be understood if you go through it. Only an arrogant ego thinks it can understand something without actually experiencing it, which means you still have much to learn. Don't worry, life will certainly humble that know it all mindset that our egos have....empathy is earned, sympathy is conceptual, empathy is experiential. Leo didn't apologize by accident, we often forget what it feels like to experience pain until we get a HEALTHY reminder. You cannot know LOVE without suffering, you cannot know empathy without suffering. Also I say this with an understanding that you are going through something tough right now. I apologize if I come across offensive as that is not my intention. But empathy is not some trifling thing, empathy is a rare emotional trait that majority of people you meet do not have. Majority of people with empathy are the old, as the young are too arrogant often to know real struggle.

To answer your question, based on some limited research, organized religion as a social construct serves a function of bringing people together. Therefore "banning" suicide is a measure for greater social cohesion. That is from the perspective of a social theory of mine. From a Christian perspective, the purpose of the religion is to "atone for your sins" which you can't do if you kill yourself. You could say the same applies to other religions like Buddhism where there is an outlined process for reaching the after life. If you kill yourself the traditions become effectively moot. There's also the perspective that "life is a gift" and therefore by killing yourself you are ruining a creation. If you are suffering currently and struggling with suicide you should definitely try to reach out for help. As someone who has had suicidal idiations and suffered a bunch in the past, getting help can make a huge difference.

I will paraphrase and expand but Albert Camus proposed in a world of absurdity, nihilism, existential dread, immorality, lack of ethics, depression, etc. the most revolutionary act is to live with morals and ethics and use your individuality to rebel against the system. He felt killing yourself is a surrender or a participation in the machine or you neutralize yourself. Everyone must walk their path. It really depends on what is in your heart. If you kill yourself to spite your ex-girlfriend or as an act of the ego or revenge, that is likely wrong. If you kill yourself as self-immolation to bring attention to injustice that might be noble. If you attain Buddhahood, you may have the option to kill yourself. It is a taboo. Is the taboo justified? Is there some deep wisdom in living? Suicide is likely an act of the ego.

You punish yourself. When you do this kind of suicide you're not open to receiving the Love and so you may experience something else, which is of course entirely your own creation. You don't stop creating when you die, quite the contrary. And if you created hell here on earth for you... well...

It is said that God is unconditional love, yet in religions and spiritual concepts, they speak of punishment or negative karma after suicide... What kind of God would punish a person a second time who was already suffering too much to end their life? I don't find any positive view on suicide in spirituality / religions... Why ? So we are here, some of us suffer deeply almost/all their life and they don't have the right to end their suffering without bad consequences ? A loving God would provide comfort to a person who took their own life because they needed love the most.

Not at all. He's unconsciously ignorant and not malicious at all. I'm not saying suicide is a nobal thing. Personally it's immature to take your life because you can't please your companies desires. But I must say I respect people that dedicate their lives to one thing. Logans behavior is the problematic problem which reflects to the arrogance of the west. The harm of between 2 people on personal matters is not as bad as a Chinese man going to America and burning a flag in front of the white house. Or going to a Dubai embassy to burn a Koran for example. Had Logan gone to Japan and actually spend time talking about suicide with a Japanese person that would have been different than what he did. He was using people's suffering for views. These problems that I'm talking about reflect larger problems than inflicting harm to one person as the other inflicts harm to a nation.

@Tanz Are you assuming a mental state for the majority of Logan Paul's fans and viewers? Do you have data to show how high the suicidal rates are in Japan? So Logan Paul, a white guy, goes to an Asian country to do a social media influencer video, to point a cultural problem as sensitive as suicide, is as wrong as colonizers that came to countries to change their culture, how are the two wrongs here equivalent? Are you being a bit racist and ethnocentric here? Speaking of racism, you just have assumed that Japanese are 'extremely proud' people that rather kill themselves than not try their best? So you've characterized Japanese people suiciding themselves as some noble thing rather than them 'doing their best', and ignore the imperialist Japan during WW2, when allied to Germany, expand onto other countries? What about the samurai time period? What about other parts of Japanese history, and their well known hard working attitude, of being very detailed orientated? Heard of Mitsubishi, Subaru, Toyota? Are yo just biased and hateful against Logan Paul that you are just sweeping under the rug other evils more harmful than Logan's actions?

Such things can give people ideas because it allows people that want to kill themselves am excuse to do so. Japan has insanely high suicide rates. Also a white guy going to an Asian country to point a cultural problem as sensitive as suicide is as wrong as the colonizers that came to other countries trying to change another culture without trying to understand them. Japanese are extremely proud people and rather kill themselves than not to try their absolute best. Toyotas can drive 1 million miles for a reason. Him going to a mass suicide grave yard is shitting on their culture. There's been more violence and death from people not wanting to understand another's culture. Logans so shallow he would never understand the harm he caused even though he's sorry for what he did

@Tanz What crimes suggested of him does not equal rape? The documentary is implying Russel Brand could be a rapist via 4 women witness testimonies, one reporting herself for a rape test kit, anti biotics, why? Because she texted him before, and when she arrived, he was drunk and high and forced himself onto her despite her trying to repel him, he undid her pants and pulled her panties aside, put himself into her. If this testimony is true, this is statutory rape clear as day. Yes, his accusations and what he's YouTube Channel covers are separate, what does that have to do with YouTube's decision to ban him? It's their company and private business space, just like me and you are in this private space of Actualized.org, and why freedom of speech laws do not extend into Actualized.org. You do understand that a business has to think of the costs of their public image being effected, if it's found out that they have hosted a potential rapist in YT right? Just look at what they did to Mr. Girl's Channel, they took it done because a bunch of Nick Fuentes fans and streamers that are alt right mass reported his Channel over the pedophile rap song. What mainstream business wants to be found out they're potentially hosting a pedophile in their YT space, even if later it's found out there was mass reporting done by the Twitch community and abuse of the report function? Compare and contrast their guidelines to this forum's guidelines. What are you assuming of Russel Brand's wife, and Russell Brand's behavior in that time? What if Russel Brand is that charismatic that he fooled his wife into thinking he's a nice normal guy, they date, have sex, got married, have kids, and at this point it's too late for the wife to back out? So because Russell Brand accuses 'big pharma' of lying about the vax that get's him a free pass to say other conspiratorial BS and anti mainstream anti establishment BS? Like do you understand how many more casualties and fatalities that Covid-19 would have if they didn't enforce Covid-19 lockdowns and rushed vaccine development? Do you know that polio, a terrible disease that leads to people paralyzed and relying on iron lung tanks, got wiped out because 'big pharma' western medicine, scientists and capitalists that funded that vaccination development and distribution, that vaccine wiped out polio? So YouTube punished Logan Paul for filming a couple of dead bodies in Japan's suicide forest a couple of years ago, is arguably more dangerous than YouTube hosting a Rapist who could've done those crimes 10-15 years ago? You do know that there's a difference between footage of dead bodies versus hosting a person that may have raped multiple women 10-15 years ago?

Those crimes that you suggest him off does not equal to rape. His accusations and what he says on youtube are two different things. If he was breaking community guidelines regarding youtube then they should suspend him or ban him. Like what Alex Jones did when he said the school shootings were fake. Corporate crime and corruption have been crimes big pharma have done in the past such as the whole opioid epidemic and no one was jailed for it. These types of crimes he has exposed. He has said, if big pharma has done these guilty things how can be trust them? This maybe not a valid point but for some people its enough. Similarly if I had orgies and I was a sex addict, my wife would probably not want to marry me. All of the stuff Russell Brand is guilty of the past, people are holding him against that stuff today. Just like he is accusing big pharma of lying about the vax based on their past. You see how similar your thought process is to him only different stories? Do you see your bias towards him is equivalent to peoples bias over him. Youtubes sales would not be hurt, they punished Logan Paul for filming dead people that committed suicide which is arguably more dangerous than having someone who's possibly committed a crime 15 years ago speak on their platform. Eventually they put him back on their platform because he was making lots of money for them.

They won't try to test your patience. They will be emotionally available. They won't simply use you for their needs. They won't constantly fight with you. They will be respectful of your space. They will deeply listen to you. They will give you time. They will create goals with you. They will help you when you need help. They won't be verbally emotionally or physically abusive. They won't threaten suicide. They won't threaten other stuff. They won't make you feel guilty if you trying to leave them. They won't engage in psychological manipulation. They will be blunt about things. They will not neglect your needs.

There is nothing divine about you. You've just become a puppet, embodying yourself in flesh to live eternally. And this Earth is hell; how can you incarnate into such a stupid and cruel race? I have nothing to do here; I don't even have the right to rest, nothing." Your drugs aren't even helpful, I feel like shit sober & same same when I use drugs to relief the pain of being this eternal puppet. And all of you people, so arrogant you think you have control. You never had control, your life is like a movie, everything's already written and you fool yourself to believe that you have to do XY and Z in order for a thing to happen while this thing was meant to happen no matter what you have thought before. You really believe you can create your reality with your thoughts or emotions? Imagine what you would have created since you were a child. You don't create anything, you just watch your fate unfolds and project thoughts/meaning & stories on what's happening fooling yourself into believing that you created this or that. And when something "bad" happens to you, you go "what did I do to manifest this" ? Nothing you idiot didn't do this shit, it just happened to you because it was always meant to. And there's no "why & how" no but you keep playing this game of seeking, you nourish the illusion of knowledge as if it were going to bring you something. Always the whys and hows, endless question again & again, you will never stop, you are the King of fools. There's nothing Godly about you. The worst are you people believing in spiritual concepts trying to justify your existence with endless ideologies. You cannot escape from Yourself, suicide will not end suffering, nothing will.

@Gabith why do you want to die ? Can you open up a little bit? Maybe I can help you out because I was suicidal in the past . Also btw Once you die the whole of reality will die with you .(not to Encourage you to commit suicide but just sayin).

I want to die but I don't want to kill myself because I hold spiritual beliefs about "something bad will happens after suicide"

If you are so sure of that and you are suffering then why not contemplate suicide?

All true. I am curious why the wealthiest most intelligent people don't find material success ultimately unsatisfying? I would expect more of them would be more vocal about awakening and internal pursuits. Many celebrities and many of us think if we get fame, power, money, etc. we will find happiness. Some successful people do realize material success does not fix their internal life when they reach the pinnacle of their industry. Some turn to drugs or suicide. I was wrong about membership of religious denominations. Here is a link to world memberships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_religious_populations Thank you all for all your responses.

3-2-1 shadow work: It feels as though there is a deep pain for no one apprecating my work be it excellent and or genius level It feels extremely enticing to do genius level or extremely excellent work that goes beyond what people can perceive as this is the only way I felt I received love and affection for working It feels like shit at times to be black and it the working culture It feels like there is a subtle stirring of unmeet needs in terms of love in family, friendship and relationships It feels often like the only ones who can give me love and have love are the ones realizing there has been some trauma or serious issue It feels like there is a strong surge of love for myself when I have it my mother takes it and keeps it for herself and is in denial, while it's female frenzy about having children, more like a lustful killjoy than actual love It feels like there is a drive of death in all of this saboating my work, it's not depression it feels like an actual feeling of wanting to die It feels like there is a connection to seeing beauty and beign addicted to beauty in a level as it's healing and having this vanity option as the only option for healing, as an alternative for love It feels like only my image is loveable not me as a human It feels like there is a deep existential vail to all the good memories as they are all associated with video games, most female psychotherapist do not understand this, they don't comprehend and get any logical connections, and especially logical and emotional connections a lot of boys & guys have, most psychotherapist do not, as they live extremely healthy and or are toxic to some level It feels like there is deep need for strong connections and bonds so I can find strenght in my work It feels like my character and humour is cripled as it's to extreme for many mostly only very high iq people appreciating that level of darkness This is enough I already have tears in my eyes, the point about death is the most serious for me, I miss the caring touch of a girl who loves me .... HA! Are you gay stupid? Yeah I greet you to. Are you okay? Or are you sabotaging myself emotionally to negate every success you'd also enjoy? HA! You're demise is all to me, I despise you! Dude you sound like some Marcel in my head. In your head in your head, that's your new gaslighting term? Oh the level of glee to justify your existence just to have that little tiny rough feeling, you can'T edge this out in a challenge can't you? And be like everyone else? HAHA why should I? Dude you're so stupid it's incredible... yeah beign gaslit as a teen and kid, then diagnosed as gifted, as some stuff that barely has any research multiple things and rare cases, and you call me stupid? It's not like I am fat and just need to loose weight, because someone bombared and feed me with nasty images about health etc. and subtely shamed me, there is so much connection of stuff, I don't even know how to untangle this. Me neither and I don't care.... Good work shadow....! That's gaslighting!!! Bro you should totally open a schizophrenic comedy, show. Do you even know what that means and that everyones like everyone uses the term incorrectly? Do you know ChatGPT? Yes, you could get answers there instead of bothering me.... yet brooo.... sometimes I feel bad why do you want to kill yourself, you would even ruin my fun? How would you feel having no girlfriend, beign at a model level of looks that beign useless as a guy, unable to properly leverage it, having an IQ above 130, easily could be making 6 figures right now, choosing some conscious option to follow some guy on youtube, to get into all of this b.s, havign your grandma die, having an injury that negates most prolific things that you in recent years created, and was appreciated and loved for, having a heartless mother who get's cheated on, having a father that is absent tell you, I love you I love you, truely meaning it and you feel it, then he completley neglects you, not knowing now if it was real or not, the practical love that you don't feel, yet the intention that you feel? What do I do about this? Loosing all of your friends, people saying you've changed as you started to speak your mind, how much people love and enjoy you when you're conscious and can be truely there for them, neither like your mother nor like your father..., aunt or grandma.... how would that make you feel when everything is lost? Well... everything of this is in me, you just don't see it. What am I not seeing? The love that you're missing and the deep connection is in me.... not in them...I took it and I have it, as you could not take it anymore beign non-reciprocal, you felt how the world sucked it out of you, you blamed the world, blamed your existence etc. It's all your fault. I don't know how to take responsibilities for this, these patterns are quiet deep, and I don't exactly can pinpoint it the psychotherapist I got so angry at them steadily poking at my fahter, as I had more positive experiences, yet now I don't know anymore neither do I care, the guy never truely cared and as a father he is long dead, the pain of having these positive emotions is the most bothering to me, like time sucking cocksuckers who can't realize and appreciate the greatness of what I could do .... I feel so stiffled by just not working properly, I truely don'T know why all of this self-sabotage? Why because of love, I don't get the connection, how can love be so strong?? Why do I have so little of it and it still feels like more than 99.9% of others and why when I have it I feel like the world steals it? Yo... we would talk for hours about this, can you just not give yourself love more and take the pain, love till it hurts seriously hurts, and maybe even kill someone because of it, even if it'S you. *sigh*... the point of talking with you, makes me more sane. I dunno at least you're not a socialized dormat, to what I feel like this is the only thing my mother rewarded the fantasy of a single-mother = suicides for her children. It's disgusting how this ignorant good will is helplessness in her entire nature, she is not enough, she knew it and gave her best I applaud her for that I feel good about it. Yet this shadow session is to huge. I don't know exactly what I am incoperating, what is your gift? Staying in one topic, is such myopia work. I could buy a prosittue for this and tell her to jerk me off, that is how most psychotherapsit feel with their hogwash and "holism" would be fake anal sex I dunno. Go fuck them seriously, fuck psychotherpay and every bullshitter that opens HIS MOUTH YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT CLOSE IT. Where is the aggression coming from triggered by feedback of guesswork? Oh, yes you guessed it. That is something you can co-operate.... you notice you also feel the most help and need for little things in life why is that? I don't know it just is that way.... because I received no love for this and it pains me how it feels like girls and women even take it from me by their sheer existence around me if they act like animals, if they are conscious I feel love, yet if they are more animal I feel death. That is an interesting connection... let's see.... uhm. Why do you feel like this animal/survival thing as death? Is it not a challenge, maybe a challenge of love? Did you ever see love as a challenge? Instead of pain and anger? Not really no, I never saw it as a challenge. Sounds more like some whack idea. Yet you get that all of these challenges and little things are part of the bigger picture of giving yourself love, you do get that? Yes, I get that, and I feel it. Thank you for saying it, yet what do I do with the video game thing... it has gotten so out of hands, that you barely enjoy interacting with other younger humans, especially turkish men, and arab men, it's like they can only think with their dick and their religion and their family maybe, a few a rational assholes, yet it's a few who are higher green that give you more of the good humour and connection based on this crazy culture. Bro this is way to large to handle in one session, I give you your gifts.... notice the connections between animal type of materalism and your drive towards death, it's the utmost nasty isolation you can witness, also the connection about love and challenges, these challenges are part of a growth of self-love.... see that more often, if you take these two things away from this sesssion, oh and that 3'rd one keep away from fake coaches and gurus who neglect your self-inquriry process, they don't appreciate you, they take you as some scientific test study like the average nazi white male does. I am the one who does not see tiny challenges as an opportunity to love myself more I am the one who does not see the connection between materalism, suicide and isolation I am the one who does not see the death drive as a connection to extrem animalistic intentions => leave me alone and give me materal stuff I am the one who is pissed and angry at the guesswork of others I am the one who is not using mini-love to heal myself I am the one not seeing the massive power of self-love and how it helps me deal with the family situation ---- This is it I can't take more out of this session it was way to much to get clarity in this I could work for decades on this, what I just uncovered.

I dunno what to make out of this family situation thing, I saw this also in my teens with a guy where is mother worked endlessly, and just gave him money, two actually they struggled extremely in school, there is also no real father time, and it's emotionally painful to me at times to be with girls, due to how much energy they can crave or how used I am to this, I don't have the most masculine guy friends currently, it's more a feature of this city also, it's family depression somehow. I thought about how, needy my mother is in terms of needing me and not providing, now again that she has a boyfriend I am left alone, yet how long it takes me to come to this realization and the subtle gaslighting etc. I don't know if I'll end up killing myself, it's a huge fear that I have due to how extrem my life has been. I did not find anyone who can seriously help me with this & good friendships are rare without sports and consistently working etc.... I don't know how to deal with the fact that I've never had smth. where I felt it was family besides when I was at the friend of my mothers house, I dunno if calling her helps etc. I just don't like to bother others also, I called the suicide hotline sometime ago, and it wanted to only make it worse to kill myself, I just don't enjoy it how little my family is able to partake in my life because they lack social skill are needy and have no empathy. I feel so devoid of emotions due to how negligent they acted when I was emotional and the gasligthing and the sub-current of victim mentality of "understanding" etc. I don't think my mother get's the connection of what it means to be in a family, not act like one. I've never seen a more egotistical asshole, in terms of beign negligent and caring. I dunno how to describe it, when I am conscious and meditating I can forgive her, yet it's absolute torment for me to go through this, as I cry and have minor breakdowns due to this, it is healing, yet it's painful to see her in other faces. Of negligent duty bound meritocracy whores, who shame you for merit. and applaud themselves in cynnical irony only to sip wine again, then beign in denial. This was every evening and she denies this, I don't know also, yet for me it was every evening. I had no joy interacting as I had to make so many comprimises you just know at one point caring about yourself does more good, and not engaging with the others need. It's also her if she get's cheated on, to some extend, if it happens more then once, she chooses the wrong partner, she chooses stage red drives over conscious higher level drives, as she lacks disciplien and is lazy. It's like a red/purple hell at times with girls. Or heaven. I don't exactly know what else to type here.... I feel so unreciprocated solving highly complex issues, beign gaslit about doing good in the world from my direct family and the ignorance of society, and how painful it is to see mostly how strongly other's get back into their families. Even when they are toxic they go back, as they know there is some strong familiarity bond, same goes for me, yet she does not get the connections of how she undermined my success, by her behaviour. Helpless stupid cow, behaviour, impatient and angry, projects every fault to others and blames others and denies this, cynnical and gloating character as that is the only depth this person every saw, shadows without end's in relationships, absolutely not present only in nature, feels like shit to be around her. Stubborn as fuck. What can I say about her? Of course there are positive qualities, yet it's like.... my aunt is even worse as she lashes out and would get violent, my whole German family has anger issues the same with the American most likely. She also has to trigger others etc. and gaslights with :"that was just a joke" not respecting boundaries. It took her a long time to realize what asshole she was, and what she does only to have her freedom, I hope seriously at one point she just dies. My aunt hated my grandma and hoped that she died for pains, said this how often now would be in denial about this. They are all in denial about it. My grandma was the only one who had love to give, she might was a little rough at times, yet she at least had some level of love, the issue is German culture and heartlesness, the issue of strength in this culture and the war's. I really would like to be back with my old psychotherapist she really helped..., yet I feel as though I did stuff just wrong etc... I'll do a shadow work sessions right now around pride etc... how it helps. ...