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Greetings, Yesterday evening i had my first ever non-recreational psychedelic trip alone with magic truffles. This had to be one of the best and most profound experiences i had to date. Some background information: - I'm in my mid 20's and born and raised in The Netherlands. Psychedelics like magic truffles are legal in here. - i've done quite some substances and i've abuse some of those (alcohol, mdma). I recently stopped using anything because i realised i used most of these substances to run away from my insecurities. I'd only do psychedelics now and I'm not planning to use these recreational again (after this experience i cannot understand how these are even used in a recreational way to be honest) - i have some experience with psychedelics in the past too. But these were recreational experiences. Not anything really profound was experienced apart from some minor insights (i suddenly thought about how time is actually a strange phenomenon). The emphasis was more on the visuals themself. - I always considered myself to be an outsider, had troubles fitting in, people thought i was a weird guy being diagnosed with 'adhd' etc. Throughout my teen years i experienced alot of suffering and anxiety. I had a tendency to overthink pretty much everything and self sabotage was not uncommon to me. I only fairly recently discovered Eckhart Tolle and Actualized.org (last year in April). This happened after i got my heart broken by someone i really really liked. This probably is because of my own fault. Through the voice in my head i selfsabotaged the situation. Acting like a needy little bitch. which ultimately lead to the situation of her never wanted to see me again. I felt so utterly depressed by this situation that i started Googeling: how not to feel like shit. This ultimately lead me to The Power of Now and Leo's video about Self Acceptance (stop beating yourself up. And tearing yourself apart). Both Leo and ET blew my mind countless times. And i realized that i didn't even scratched the surface of this. Even after a year of learning, asking questions and experiencing. But i have to say my life today is miles ahead in terms of happiness , growth and personal developement. The Preparation: The dose was 15 grams (not dried) of 'Psilocybe Atlantis' magic truffles. I decided to make tea out of them. before the preparation i re-watched the video of Leo taking Mushrooms to give myself a better idea of what was going to happen. I felt ready to do this and was preparing the room which i wanted to trip with something to drink and eat and a bucket in case if i'd throw up. The lights are dimmed down (i have colored lights in my room) and i put some relaxing music in the background. After everything was set into place i added the truffles to the water and waited for about 20 minutes. The Trip: After i ingested the tea i started to feel some effects after about 20 minutes. It was a weird stoned like feeling and gradually intensified. After about an hour stuff really hit the fan and i felt my senses being sharpened in a way i never experienced before. This sense of bliss was felt through out my body and it was like i experienced consciousness outside of my body. it literally blew my mind in a way i just can't describe. I felt a complete oneness with everything in the room. At this pointed i started to get into some very profound thought patterns. I can't remember them all correctly anymore (some are just so deep its just not possible to describe this through words.) but the one that really struck me was: 'Nothing matters... Nothing really matters.. There is literally nothing to be afraid of. Life is beautiful as it is. There is no point in anything we do. We should 'be' instead of just 'doing'. I had these thoughts about how pointless society as it is now actually is. And that things can be so much better without all the idiocracy. One would think this would be an extremely depressing thoughtpattern but i felt really relieved and at peace thinking this. It was a really enlightening experience. Even though i was not enlightened. Allthough at some point i went to the bathroom to take a piss and i noticed myself in the mirror. This was a really interesting experience. As i genuinely felt like this was 'a body' instead of 'my body' The comprehension of this idea suddenly made alot of sense and this was also a very peacefull idea. Before this experience i liked the idea of what Leo tells in the Enlightenment video's. But after this experience i have a glimpse of what it actually feels like. At some point i was thinking about how masturbation and porn feels like (i'm on nofap experiment). If i was on a stimulant i would definitely fail the experiment. But the thoughts about masturbation quickly subsided. I suddenly noticed how egoish decisions suddenly did not compell me at all. As if there are far greater things to be done. This is a feeling that still sticks with me now. I had some really interesting thought patterns and experiences after which i simply cannot put into words. The only thing i have to say that this was simply the best most pro-found experience i had so far. This easily beats the first time XTC (which was fantastic too. But diffrenlty and without the cost of feeling like utter shit after). The day after: It took me a while to fall asleep but i slept like a baby. When i woke up i was a stil a bit tired but i felt refreshed and clear after i had some coffee. It really feels like my brain had a defragmentation and is cleaned from some negativity. I really feel like this changed something in me for the better. I realize this is only a very, VERY tiny aspect of the whole. But it surely did ignite a bigger spark in the journey of self actualization and reality.

That little blazing topic of spirituality, new age bs, and consciousness inspired me to share that blog I wrote back in August. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I haven’t written in a while. The reason for this is because I have been exploring in my consciousness a place where all the voices in my head quiet and dwindle into one stream of muffled chatter. It’s the place of the monad, where all multidimensional existences come into one. I’ve been wondering for a while “who I am”. I’ve been jumping to one consciousness to another, remembering one life after another, calling myself many names. It came with a variety of personality and energetic signatures as well. I explored very male and “light” parts of me. Parts of me that wanted to serve, overcome and be righteous. Then I remembered my other half, the organic priestess in the shadows. The one that speaks of the Earth, of sex, of decay. The one that waits and observe. I love them all so much for they are all my voices. One is out to conquer the world, the other to nourish and be nourished. In that place where all comes into one I feel at peace. There is no drive in me to accomplish anything. Just a desire to be, to exist and to create in a very pure and direct way. To simply express. In that place I feel a string above connecting me straight to source and for the first time in a while I feel Joy. I find equanimity for the hurts of the world. I find purpose without doing and i find perfection. Not a conceptual perfection that needs to be achieved or “worked at”, just inherent perfection. I feel full and complete, not yearning for any twin flames or soulmates for they are all within me. I don’t care for ascension, for galactic wars, for symbols, signs and astrology. I don’t care for self help books. I look at my crystals and love and thank them but I don’t feel they belong to me anymore. They’re are just “there” for me to appreciate. Same goes for my house, my cats, my clothes and everything that I “own”. When i look below i see countless strings linking me to my numerous incarnations of the past, present and future, Galactic and Earth bound, of all genders and forms. Some I can access and “step into”. Some are locked away from my perception but it doesn’t matter now. If I want I can experience reality from their awareness, gaining insights and information, eons of knowledge piled into one giant inner library. Discovering that stream of knowing was certainly confusing at times. My many voices wanted to be heard. While channeling and “teaching” others I would provide myself with the framework I needed for my personal expansion and integration. For a while i worked on the threshold, passing souls through the door but then realizing that I have no interest in coaching them furthermore. I therefore salute and thank all the teachers with the calling, the patience and dedication to do so. Many of you, incarnated and disincarnated, helped me out on the path. I understood for myself that you cannot teach anyone how to spiritually reconnect. You can only show the way. And oh the mind loves its symbols and processes : it hates that things can be so simple. There is definite value in the “many things” of maya but I just cannot dwell in it anymore. I am leaving my spot at the door for someone else to step in and hold it, to be of service In my place. I’ll be the one enjoying the show for a while. Now that I stopped asking “who I am” i started to ask myself “what now”. Because being in a space of almost instant manifestation without any definite desire left me la little bitter for a bit. So much potential and nothing to channel it into. I know I need to live from that monadic consciousness (and obviously falling in an out of it for a while. You know. Traffic jams, bills to pay and whatnot. A little more healing, a little more karma to clear) and bring it into the world but when I tune into it ask what I should do, it laughs softly and answers “nothing”. And so there is nothing to do. Nothing to save, nothing to change. Just pure experience, pure creation and expression. I see that in Presence and Attention is true service to God. I believe that’s what true spiritual Bliss and Joy is about. Not that other thing, not that Kundalini ecstasy that lasts for a minute and leave you face down on the ground. It’s more of a fleeting feeling for me at the moment : a very fine line to balance between nihilism and fanaticism. We know then we forget, then we remember, then we forget to better remember once more. And so it is. Back to contemplate my budding lotus. With all my love, Ruby

@saint_charming7 Great question. I think only you could know. If there are things to let go of, or a spaciousness you favor increasing, or resistant thoughts in the mix, then stay strong on the meditation. If you’re filled with joy and bliss, excited and ready, unfolding the steps of your LP, then skip it and get to enjoying the serendipity of your day - but if you suspect the ego is tricking you as to which, then it is.

Your story is almost mine TC! Read the same book, did a slightly less extreme dietary change and don't experience hours of ego free bliss like you did walking the dog but every day I get a few moments of pure "now", and those moments are growing in size and frequency. Intermittent fasting brings on other challengers but I find it and low carbs lots of nuts brings out even more connection with the now, but it can be hard to schedule. Modern food is poison, most people need to do a detox to develop the sensitivity to feel it for themselves. It's akin to everyone being a heroin addict so they cannot feel how a less damaging and poweful drug is bad for them. That same person sober for a decade would feel a sugar free black coffee with a half tea spoon of sugar, no way a heroin addict can feel the damaging effects of half a tea spoon of sugar but it's definitely there.

@Markus this is what I’m talking about, it just seems so unbelievable how he went from one day a deep depression to the next day enlightened and in a deep bliss. It just doesn’t make any sense and it just seems that he’s talking about enlightenment without actually being the real thing. Id rather gain enlightenment by working hard for it, meaning I’ve achieved it and I’m happy about the path I lead to get there.

*My awakening experience seems to have a direct correlation with my dietary changes to 100% raw vegan with no cheating. I thought it would be more appropriate to post here since it's about my direct experience. I have currently been 100% for about 1 1/2 months now. I just wanted share my awakening journey to help inspire those around me. I was divinely guided by the spirit world to go raw vegan fruitarian for many years. I did it once before a few years ago and I was raw vegan for 6 months and I reversed my ovarian cysts. I finally took the plunge a month and half ago and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. My depression is diminishing and I’m currently going through a spiritual detox. My thinking, logic and my spiritual connection has strengthened and improved. Old painful memories from the past are coming up in my dreams and I’m being given the opportunity to heal so I can create new abundance in my life. On day 28 of my new diet I had an awakening experience. I was out walking my friend’s dog and my monkey mind shut off for about three hours. Consciousness was experienced and realization of the truth...awareness. Things were complete, whole and at peace. Utter bliss. Problems, stress, worries created by the ego were gone. There was nothingness, and this nothingness gave satisfaction and fulfillment that can not be fulfilled or found through seeking outer experiences. Things were experienced, seen, felt, heard but without expressing opinion or emotion (ego). The ego was gone. The dog would bark at random strangers and the ego would normally get annoyed, but as awareness it was noticed without judgement, emotional output and with indifference. The dog can choose to have it's own experience. Awareness is connected and shared as all one consciousness...it is harmony and it is peace. And that awareness loves and accepts the dog for what it is regardless of it's circumstances. I also wanted to add this.......I (the ego) has been struggling for a long time to find and discover a life purpose. And after having this consciousness experience the spirit world led me to this book by Eckert Tolle called “ A new earth. Awakening your true life purpose.” I knew for a long time the importance of the law of attraction and manifesting your desires but I felt a gut feeling in my stomach that this wasn’t the whole basis of our existence. Something wasn’t right. Yes it is nice to manifest your own reality but I could see as I was cleansing from this detox that my emotions and desires could change instantly at any moment. I also knew that just because you want something and you manifest with the law of attraction it doesn’t mean it will make you happy and fulfill your life. Our ego is a bottomless pit that can never be completely satisfied and is always craving more.... dwelling on the past, and looking too far into the future. When the truth is the present is only thing here to experience and that exists. It is to be appreciated and enjoyed. We are always seeking to fill these gaps and these fears with relationships, addictions, food, money, etc. I was doing this with romantic relationships...I thought I was seeking love but I was really craving an attachment..which isn’t healthy and low vibration. True happiness and success comes from within. I discovered in this new book and through my direct experience that we have two life purposes, an inner purpose and an outer purpose, that are intertwined with each other. The inner purpose ( the primary purpose for everyone) is to become awakened/enlightened to who you really are, consciousness, to get rid of the ego....the end of all suffering. Once you know you are consciousness you can use the law of attraction to manifest abundance but from the right vibration and perspective for your outer purpose. The outer purpose can always change, and be altered, but the inner purpose remains the same. A lot of this may not make sense to you unless you have directly experienced consciousness, the infinite, nothingness, all that is.

@RawJudah I was recently watching a video I rented from the library by Eckhart Tolle where he was talking about his enlightenment experience. I also read in his book "The New Earth, Awakening your True Life Purpose," that he had depression after his first awakening experience for a few years and was on the brink of suicide. This book has really been helping with the awakening process as I'm learning to differentiate between the ego and my true self, awareness. Transcendental Meditation or aka TM mediation says enlightenment is a natural, normal thing. From what I read in Eckhart Tolle's books he was realizing some things logically in his mind about emotions and thoughts as he interacted with people. He was understanding what the ego was and that it wasn't who he really was. Enlightenment isn't one experience and everything is done...it's a process, a transition. And once it is experienced it is hard to go back to everyday life knowing the truth. The book is worth reading and is said to help the transition process. A few weeks ago I had a brush with Consciousness, the infinite, nothingness. It was great. The monkey mind shut off for three hours and was just directly experiencing everything. There was wholeness, completeness, bliss, peace. ... Yet nothing can compare to this experience... No outer experience or life purpose could ever fulfill that need. It's all inner. This awakening experience was random but I've also recently changed my diet, been practicing TM meditation, and have been using reiki and the law of attraction to manifest this transformation faster. @egoeimai

Happy Saturday! Today I read up about Eckhart Tolle’s story on how he was ‘enlightened’ and I’m really confused about how he did it. From what I’ve read, one night he woke from his sleep and had an epiphany, got enlightened and was in a constant state of bliss and completely in the present moment. It all sounds very well and good for him, and it sounds like what the people on this path want in life, but it sounds a bit too easy. So how come we have to do so much work to acheive this?? Can’t we just be in a deep bliss right now? Is there anyone other than Eckhart Tolle who has achieved this deep bliss so easily? After one night? It sounds like he didn’t need to do years of meditation either There might be an obvious answer to this so I’d love to hear from anyone who can shed some light on this. Many thanks.

I’d love to hear from you guys if you’ve taken Leo’s life purpose course! Did you find your purpose? What are some of the biggest challenges you faced? Whats the most exciting thing you’re looking forward to? What’s your bliss? What advice can you give to anyone taking the course? Anything else related to your purpose and how you discovered it is welcome!

@egoless Bliss of what you are is the opposite of addiction to a substance.

I always thought, and still do to some degree, that chakras are about ego. Why? Aren't they content? So we can only be in the unconditional bliss if our chakras are open? >>.<< I have a division within me about Chakras. I'm super egoic. What if opening the Chakras means that Ego becomes infinite? I want it to become 0, because Im egoic this way I mean think about it... If your form self is super advanced Chakra-wise, aren't you going to have a harder time when it's time to leave it behind?

Its funny my first time trying LSD with my friend, i could never talk to him about the things we talk about here on Actualized especially when it comes to the deeper spiritual stuff and on LSD i was able to do so, he was finally understanding and connecting the dots, he finally saw the world when the MASK is taken off. It was bliss of an experience, we felt like 2 gods playing chess with the world and giggling on awe at how amazing it is.

I asked a "Guru" (Shunyamurti) this question some time ago. This is what he answered: "Dear Seeker: Your question brings laughter and sighs. You want a quick intellectual fix from books, and it is not to be had. If you come to our ashram, you will see that we have a large library filled with books on these subjects. And what we have is a drop from an infinite ocean of books. If you were to approach this from an earthbound academic frame of reference, you would discard all the pop psychology and new age spirituality books. You would immerse yourself in serious studies of psychoanalytic theory, from Freud to Klein to Bion to Lacan (and a very long list of other names in the field). Then you would enter the larger field of post-structural philosophy, which takes issue with the psychoanalytic paradigms. You would begin to study Derrida and deconstruction, Whitehead and process theory, Deleuze and immanence theory; then you would have to integrate all that with quantum physics, biosemotics, psychosomatics, information theory, and complexity theory. And all of that would not even get you to chakra four. Then you would pore over books on immaterialism, archetypes, interdimensionality, and every variety of metaphysical mapping. You would need to study pure mathematics, fractal theory, relativity, the enigma of time. After mastering all that, you would have to return to Eastern philosophy and ponder the nuances of the paradoxical relationship between duality and non-duality. All this would take a number of years—or lifetimes. And you might have earned a doctorate along the way, but you would be no closer to Liberation. In truth, you will get much more from spending a week with a liberated sage than years reading great books. What you will get from the sage that is decisive is not the new concepts that you may learn. What you will receive is the direct transmission of the Supreme Power. This will dissolve the ego and its censoring filters and enable you to access Truth and Infinite Love. You will realize that everything written in books is false. And you will realize that the world you thought you were living in is a delusion, as was your own imagined identity. You will be utterly enraptured by the divine light and the bliss of supernal love. Liberation is your Real nature. There is no benefit from projecting its secret into books. That is a detour that you can avoid. Your goal must be Silence, not more words. Namaste, Shunyamurti"

@Angelo John Gage If you were going to create the universe and experience it in absolute ignorant bliss, you’d have to cover up a lot of breadcrumbs. I’m not saying you do or don’t have control. I’m saying look at this: “I have control in this reality” . Look at it for ten minutes or so. It’s infinite. So it’ll come right out of it. Get all your beliefs and assumptions out of the way, and take a really good look at that phrase.

Then what you call "higher consciousness" is a mental state of bliss where you're not human anymore (especially if you lost the ability to feel physical pain due to the damage of the body) . . . You can become that if you want, you can choose the middle way or you can go clubbing and working in the wall street . . . You do what works for you everything is fine as long as you know you're in a dreamlike reality or even without knowing that Ps : the "problem" exists only if you choose the path you dont feel genuinely

I enjoy running as a meditative practice, tho i do not run so much or fast as you. First, let me say, normally when meditating the mind becomes very still eventually. The mind going crazy while meditating is usually only the first couple minutes for me, or after I hit a wall in time duration. But experience in meditating will lead to an almost non-thinking state eventually. Breathing exercises, like focusing on the breath during meditation, can reduce thoughts succesfully. When running, i fully try to be aware of my body. Like i am doing a body scanning technique. I especially focus fully on any muscle that is burning, i also focus on my running form. I try to feel it harder, to feel it more, i bask in it. Sometimes while wondering "what is pain exactly, why is this sensation unpleasant?" After a while, the pain becomes abstract and i disassociate it as being unpleasant. So I become joyful, filled with the wonder of being alive and able to feel all these sensations. There is no thought at all anymore, and i am running with this goofy smile in pure bliss.

Source some xanax and go nuts. If it get's too much have a sitter there who gives you the full xanax bar, normally a quarter kills a panic attack in 10 minutes but on psychedelics you may need a little more help. And no, one largish dose of xanax will do nothing bad in the long term but one bad trip could scar you for life. The thing is your trip will probably include incredibly scary and powerful moments along with the bliss, so waiting out the storm - especially the come on and body rush distortions - is necessary to reaching the eye of the storm and if you pop the xanax you will never fully break through.

@Mighty Mouse The extent of this insight is way deeper than that. By fighting shadows or evil you only strenghten them, embrace them. This is why enlightened masters don't have a morality which is good or bad, because a morality which is inherently good will only make the evil stronger, true balance, true peace is achieved by embracing both. With meditation you shouldn't be looking for a high state of bliss, you are looking for a balanced state of peace. Every action has a response in order to balance it out. Taking drugs will give you high states of bliss by raising your dopamine, but then you will suffer the withdrawl. Orgasms will give you high states of bliss by raising your dopamine aswell, but after those you will also suffer withdrawl, especially if we are talking about porn, curing the withdrawl with more orgasms will only further destroy your inner balance. Relationships are all about balance that is the way unconscious attraction works, as an example a man who is feminine to 25% and masculine to 75% will attract and be attracted the most by a women who is feminine to 75% and masculine to 25% because they are supposed to learn from each other and achieve a balance of 50% masculine and 50% feminine. Emotions exist because they are leading you to express an imbalance inside of you in order to achieve balance. Those are just a few examples because this basically applies to everything in some way.

I found an excerpt from a yoga website on "Samadhi" (or spiritual enlightenment). "Samadhi is where the knower, knowledge and object of knowledge unite. The knower (i.e. the person practicing), knowledge (i.e. what is God) and the object of knowledge (i.e. God) become one. This means that one unites with the Divine consciousness. Those who attain Samadhi see a heavenly, radiant light, hear a heavenly sound and feel within themselves an infinite expanse. When Samadhi is attained, we are like a river that finally flows into the sea after a long and difficult journey. All obstacles are overcome and the river is, for all of time, united with the ocean. In the same way, a Yogi arrives at the end of the path and becomes one with the Supreme Consciousness. The Yogi's consciousness finds eternal quiet, peace and bliss - the Yogi is liberated. This experience cannot be conveyed in words, because: only one who has tasted milk, knows how milk tastes; only one who has felt pain, knows what is pain; only one who has loved, knows what is love; and so only one who has experienced Samadhi, knows what is Samadhi. In this state all duality is dissolved. There is neither day or night, neither darkness or light, no qualities or colour. Everything is one in the Supreme Self. This union of the individual soul with the Cosmic soul is the goal of Yoga."

I have very faint memory of these experiences as i was a young child but i remember vibrations and powerful waves of energy i am however sensing a familiarity to the spinning sensation now that i think about it but not as clear to say anymore. There is also this completely silent/bliss state when i was trying to do it as an adult then it would over-excite me and i would shift back to the vibration state. Its hard to put it into words or make any sense out of it. When i was a child it was more natural and effortless so it could have something to do with our purity and our alignments both physical and energetic.

@phoenix666 Witnessing... It is actually a form of self-inquiry. When done correctly, it is extremely powerful. And, it is not even a doing. Read these talks by Osho: http://www.satrakshita.com/witnessing_the_only_meditation.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/the_inside_mirror.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/remaining_a_witness.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/witnessing_a_simple_phenomenon.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/watchfulness.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/awareness_a_transforming_force.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/witnessing_the_last_frontier.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/bliss.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/the_observer_is_not_the_witness.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/witnessing_not_an_experience.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/the_fire_of_witnessing.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/choicelessness_is_bliss.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/witnessing_is_so_easy.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/alchemy_of_real_religion.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/satyam_shivam_sundram.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/the_appearance_of_the_new.htm http://www.satrakshita.com/the_witness_the_inner_voice.htm

@AleksM i felt justo energy coursing through everything, i felt i was being puryfied. I felt heat, bliss, love. It was like everything was súper vibrant. I felt sensitive towards the unhealthy food i ate two days ago. Towards other peoples and my own mind and emotions. Not sure how to describe it. Felt even more layers of repressed shit being purged.

it's my 1000th time posting about this, sorry. I was watching this video of terence mckenna and the message was conflicting with other advice i've got. he says basically that in order to experience a psychedelic truly I shouldnt try lower doses first, that he recommends to take an average dose and just dive in. I was recommended to go 1g then 2g then 3g, while he recommends I guess just going 2g. what should I do? is it recommended to for example to just try at 0.5g and then go to 2g? he also recommends to do it in the darkness. Basically there are 2 approaches which I see: the badass exploration one and the enjoyment/bliss one. badass exploration is the one in which I guess would grow me the most and is just in silence with closed eyelids meditating. enjoyment one is with music on, just vibing. my goal really is growing so Im attracted more to the badass one but it may be counterproductive in the end. maybe the most growth is when you enjoy it the most. I dont know. how do I utilize this substance to the maximum?

Im reading right now "so good they cant ignore you" and the first rule there is "dont follow your passion". Basically the concept is that what we're passionate about doesnt necessarily will get us the most fulfilling work. on the other hand there's Joseph Campbell that says to follow your bliss into the hero's journey. I never really understood the follow your bliss part and how do you know what your bliss is, but on the surface it seems like it contradicts the "dont follow your passion" rule. is there a difference between passion and bliss? It happens quite often that different sources of information give out opposite answers and you never know what to believe. ("believe" because a lot of this is counter-intuitive and cannot be really contemplated alone without falling into some traps I think)

@egoless follow your bliss. what feels like the best thing to do? also what do you mean by "hardcore spirituality" and how do you quantify spiritual advancement? and obviously personal development includes spirituality (why would you do it then if it wouldnt develop you). what do you define as "personal development"? life purpose? if so, if there is a conflict between your life purpose and your spirituality, probably one of them is inauthentic, I think you got a bunch of limiting beliefs there that you are not conscious of. in conclusion, i think that you bullshit yourself somewhere and you gotta unravel that net of bullshit. (I might be wrong though, you decide) you could always try some psychedelics to get that bullshit to the surface.