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Sounds like worrying and ruminating. Spiritually speaking, everything is as it should be. Analyze the situation, learn what you want to do differently next time, keep the lesson in the back of your mind or visualize a better outcome, and stop thinking about what you did wrong. You're being too hard on yourself. Instead, be grateful you had the opportunity to learn about what you would like to change in yourself. It's awesome to make "mistakes"! I wrote a poem about this. It's in the self-actualization journal section, the title is "Bliss". My journal is called "Poems". You can meditate on that.

With previous successful experience of plugging 35mg's, I used the same method to now plug 45mg's expecting a medium strength trip. The set and setting were excellent, in a clean room feeling good and ready. After administration, I laid down comfortably on a prone position on my bed and waited: I had some initial fear after administration, but that fear subsided as I calmed down, the stinging in my butt became noticeable but the sensation was mild and very bearable. I started getting more aware of my body, and suddenly the stinging in my but got stronger for a couple of seconds, but then it subsided as I surrendered. The awareness gradually grew stronger and larger and with that arose certain sensations in my body, I started feeling more uncomfortable, my heart started beating faster and a lot of bizarre thoughts arose, thoughts of my inner voice screaming very loudly, thoughts of my body being impaled, etc. It felt like these thoughts came up in order to suppress the rising awareness, but as I surrendered into them, the grip of these sensations and thoughts got released and transcended. As the awareness spiked higher, I got aware of my whole body. But it felt like my body was becoming more "insignificant" as the awareness rose higher, almost like the growing awareness was this big field that permeated the sober and ordinary field of bodily awareness resulting in the body feeling smaller and smaller in contrast, almost like it was disappearing and becoming very distant. Because of this my heart started to pound faster and fear started coming up, a tingling sensation of mild terror washed over my back and disturbing thoughts were the only thoughts arising. As the awareness grew very large, I got aware of all the significant bodily sensations, of the fear of death, of all the thoughts and I surrendered into all of them and I didn't cling to anything. I surrendered all my worries of "my body not being safe" or "im too cold" or "my arms are falling asleep", as I kept surrendering, these thoughts became more and more distant and the body got further and further away as awareness kind of "took over", and this awareness felt pleasant, and every time I surrendered into a thought or a sensation, It felt like I transcended it, and trough this came a sense of joy and liberation and of being safe. As I intuited that the awareness was not getting any deeper, I chose to open my eyes and see how much time has passed since administration... 18 minutes, so I closed my eyes again and surrendered into more and more thoughts, I surrendered every sensation, everything that was thrown at me. At some point, I tried to do self-inquiry and there was nothing there! If I looked inwards there would just be the external reality there, nothing else, almost like I looked in and out at the same time. I tried doing the concentration technique that you do in Kriya, and instead of struggling to get aware of Medulla and Brumadhya at the same time like I would do when sober, now I could see Medulla, the third eye, what my eyes saw, all my bodily sensations and all the thoughts that arose all at once! I opened my eyes several times to check the time, and it went by very slowly, I had no choice but to keep surrendering into the awareness. If I would give in to the thoughts and sensation then I would suffer deeply, as the obvious purpose of the thoughts was for "me" to survive because they were very urgent and they depicted my old tempting habits, and if I would cling to and obey these thoughts then I would go full panic mode, as that was what the thoughts were pointing to at that point. At one point in the 30-minute mark, I started to shake my body, and it felt like it was shaking itself. first my right arm and then the left and then my legs. Doing this was actually very pleasant., and I got this urge to go into symmetry with my body, and while doing that the shaking became very enjoyable. I did this for about 2 minutes. After that, I spent 10 minutes lying down just staring at the beauty of what I saw; as I laid on the right side of my face it applied pressure to my closed right eye while my left eye was open, and this made the patterns that arose in the closed right eye apply to what I saw with my left eye (which was open), and I found it to be very beautiful (You can try this yourself) At the 45 minute mark, body load started to fade away and I slowly regained my energy, so I cleaned up the mess and filmed a short video to conclude the trip experience. The awareness was still there. Insights: I could have either clung to the thoughts and go full panic mode or I could just have surrendered. Let's say that a thought arises saying that I won't be able to experience the joy of passion ever again! Then I can either say "NOOO, I WANT TO LIVE!!!" thus cling to the thought of wanting to live because you want to experience the joy of passion, or you can let go of the thought, which entails that you accept that you won't experience the joy of passion ever again. The key in order to surrender is that you got to be able to surrender into any sensation and any thought, mainly the thoughts! As awareness grows, really, any sensation becomes bearable, but what makes it unbearable is if you cling to the thoughts that come up. What really helped me to surrender into the thoughts that came up was that I was ready to die and go beyond death: I didn't really care! Awareness is unimaginable. You can never relate to awareness trough thoughts, only through action. Thoughts are there to suppress awareness, thus they can never make you more aware! That is why you can't relate to "higher awareness experiences" because you're either aware or your not. Now after the trip, I can't really relate the actuality reality of the trip, but I do remember how it felt. And all of those memories create a model of "kind of how it was based on the sensations and thoughts I had at that moment" but the thing that's midding from those memories is awareness! These models consisting of thoughts depicting certain thoughts and emotions can never depict awareness itself because awareness is prior to all thoughts! Awareness is not a specific thing. In the awareness, I was left with this feeling of deep but mild joy and peace, almost like that peace was the awareness itself, and in those emotional terms awareness itself would equate to love and bliss! I guess that these emotions are always inside of us, but we just gotta get aware of them, and what makes us unaware of them is all the thoughts. Letting go of desire makes you happy. When I went on the comedown to play on my piano with the intent to express the joy of awareness through my improvisation, I actually couldn't press the first key, because the purpose of pressing that key would be to encapsulate what I wanted to express into a certain sound, but awareness couldn't be encapsulated! Anything I would play felt invalid as there would be no way for me to express awareness through the piano! Turquoise music is either silence or music that raises your awareness and consciousness. Aftermath: I felt very calm during the comedown of the experience, and I did contemplate going for a breakthrough dose right there, but that thought was just as compelling as the other thought of prolonging the breakthrough and instead integrate the experience. Both of the thoughts came from the same place. I ended up choosing not to go for a breakthrough dose at that moment, instead, I sat there marveling at how beautiful reality was! When you let go of all your desires, action steps and thoughts (because of the rise in awareness), then you can let yourself become aware of the beauty of reality! These insights are very valuable and I will try to integrate them as much as possible. Next time I will administer 55mg's the same way in the same set and setting.

Sounds like a fulfilIing life if you don't wanna explore the rabbit hole. Ignorance is bliss. The truth can hurt if your ego is not ready to accept it.

The ego is ignorance, that which do not know God and himself as God. Ultimately, there is no one to be ignorant, there is just ignorance. All I can say is that I am everything, I am literally Omnipotent, I can do whatever I want. I am God. I am this individual writing this, I am him. I am him entirely because there is Only I, but he is not I. I'm basking in Myself, in joy and bliss. Ignorance has ended, the ego character that I (God) am playing out has been seen. I am the ego, I am the person, I am the actor, I play out all characters. And I am beyond all of them, laughing at my own mastery.

@Cortex yes, you are. You are nothingness (no-self). Then, you transform into everythingness. From there you transform back into your ego. While this is taking place, you are at peace--no suffering at all. You're completely detached from what is occurring. You're complete and free (even while making such a transformation). When you go back to your physical ego and this physical world, you'll think that this experience is absolutely amazing! Oh wow! It's so massive being that infinite black hole and collapsing into myself! Because you felt a love (bliss) when you became embodied again--which indicate that you're in the to love realm--earth. However, even though it's amazing to the ego, it's really nothing. Later, if you look carefully, life itself (you) operates on the "principles" of an awakening. Yes, sometimes life may seem hard. You have to struggle to work. Some ppl really are in a "horrible" situation. But, "horrible" is an illusion and it's temporary. This is just a scarcity mindset. There is no distance between you and success. Your awakening points out that distance is an illusuion. Everything is temporary. There are always ways to learn to get out of it and go with the flow of life. Transformations in life are flows. Flow into love. You did that in your awakening. Learn to love yourself first and eventually others. Teach them how to live and love. When you mastered this, you become "enlightened." Beautiful life lessons from the deepest awakening that can be applied to living life to the fullest: Easier said than done. Sometimes we have to unlearn many things.

It is very true indeed, but when you cross the paranoia bridge, there you find pure bliss. And that is why it is so hard for some people (like me) to detach from chemically induced bliss. It is there available everyday, and it doesn't do as much harm as smoking cigarettes, drinking, or other kinds of escapism.

@TheAvatarState You're right. Don't create a vision. It is an illusion that can't ever be realized. You need to be content with just Being. Anything else will lead to suffering. Relationships, careers, attachment to family... let it all go, NOW, and surrender to the NOW. Isn't it much better to enjoy the bliss of Being even if you sit in a room looking at a wall all day, than living unconsciously in an illusion, believing that you feel/think/love, when really, you don't? Destroy your attachment to everything, including your sense of self.

Pursuing this will only set you up to fall. You do not need a relationship. It is impossible to form a relationship that is not based on an illusion. If you want to live within an illusion, press ahead. Otherwise forget it, and surrender to the infinite beauty and bliss of the nothingness of now.

@Jack River Of course there is awareness during sleep, as Spirit and Consciousness leaves your being. I am happy you have found peace. It is just a shame you are unable to enjoy the bliss within a dream.

@EvilAngel You do not need socks. If you think you do, that is your egoic perception. Cold is just a sensation, it is not real. It's an illusion. If you choose to fight the sensation, you are only pushing your development backwards. This applies to relationships and socialising too. Your egoic mind is telling you to pursue this for comfort. It will not work. Be happy being alone, doing nothing. Truly feel the bliss of just Being, with no attachments.

@Nahm Yes. Thoughts are a curse that only serve to block you from infinite bliss.

@cetus56 I never said I live off bread and water. I said it can be done. There is no need to desire foods the egoic mind would consider to be more 'pleasant' than others. I think you have a lot of growing to do, Cetus. I don't want to hijack this thread. The Truth remains, you must submit to the bliss within the nothingness of Being. Anything else is an illusion.

You are not submitting to the bliss of nothingness. While you still have thoughts, you are not Being.

@F A B Many when I was unconscious. Now, I have zero desire for a relationship. It is an illusion. This goes for any relationship, even with what you would call 'family' - which is another concept and illusion. I detached from those unconscious illusions a long time ago and I bask in the bliss of Being. Being can only be achieved in pure solitude.

@nistake You can lose your ego this instant. You can experience the bliss of Being right now, if you want it. If you don't, that is your ego intervening. Chose. Bliss or illusion? I would suggest avoiding unconscious entities. Afterall, they are illusions. I would suggest quitting your job, too. Your job is feeding your identity of 'self', which is an illusion, which is keeping you from the bliss of Being. If you are content with Being, you will experience nothing but bliss. Cut everything out of your life and just Be. You can do this NOW.

Why are focused on other people acquiring knowledge? Your egoic mind is obsessed with doing something. You don't need anything to enjoy the pure bliss of Being. Just Be. Do nothing. Just Be.

@VictorB02 Why are you focused on acquiring knowledge? Your egoic mind is obsessed with doing something. You don't need anything to enjoy the pure bliss of Being. Just Be. Do nothing. Just Be.

@Worldclassbullshit Why do you desire an intimate relationship with an unconscious illusion? It will only lead to suffering. Transcend this desire and realise that true bliss comes with just Being. And to Be, you require nothing. Anything else is an illusion.

Just be 'yourself'. Unfortunately, there is a problem here. There is no 'you'. You are falling for an illusion. To experience the bliss of infinity, you need to just Be. You don't need anything to Be. Anything else is an illusion and not a requirement. Everything you see and feel, it not required to Be. Lose ALL your thoughts and just Be.

Yes. Music is an illusion. It is a distraction from your true quest towards the bliss of just Being. You don't need anything to Be. Stop everything. Just Be.

Is it illusory bliss and amazement of nothingness?

@SOUL what better topic is there than bliss and amazement

I've encountered a void once or twice in meditation. While in perfect stillness of mind suddenly appeared a void in awareness like a black hole opened up that was darkness within darkness. I didn't enter into it as it snapped me right out of the meditation it was so unexpected. On another occasion while meditating I was in something like a state of Samadhi (perfect pure bliss consciousness) and when I surrendered to it I completely vanished. I didn't exist. So yes it was devoid of all experience unlike the experience above. But maybe that's because I did enter into it.

This life is called the mortal dream. You have to catch yourself when you take life too serious, and compare it with a dream. When you take your dream serious, and you become violently upset over something, and I try to explain to you, you're dreaming, you will never believe me, because the dream world is very powerful at that time. The doctor has diagnosed cancer, you've got two months to live. But I tell you, "You're dreaming." Do not put your energy on that. Rather turn within. See your reality. Understand that this is a dream. Well you chase me away. You do not want to accept that, because no one else believes it. Yet you wake up in the morning, and it was just a dream. Think about the problems, the wonderful experiences, everything you've been through since you were born. It appears so real, doesn't it? And even now you are a product of all your samskaras, all of your preconceived ideas, your concepts, and how you were brought up and trained. This is your life. You do not know any other life but this. Yet every person seems to come from a different upbringing. Every person has their own beliefs, their own ideas, what's right, what's wrong, what is good, what is bad. That's how wars start. That's how man's inhumanity to man begins. When you believe I'm right and you're wrong. When you begin to see things that are not right and you want to correct them. No one has ever told us, instead of doing that, dive within yourself and see perfection. See the atman. See unlimited bliss. Begin to dwell on the reality, and soon your world will become reality. When you go to a movie, there's a beginning, a middle, and an end. What is left? The screen. The movie was shown on the screen and all sorts of things transpired in the movie. People were killed, people got married, people had children, the world was bombed, yet the screen never changes. The screen remains the same. There's a story on the screen about a person who was born, he's sexually abused by his parents, he goes through all kinds of horrifying experiences, he becomes a man, becomes a serial killer. All this is going on, on the screen. Then again you see a prince. A baby is born a prince. He grows up into beautiful circumstances, has everything in life, doesn't seem to have a problem. This is too going on, on the screen. But there's an end, and all the images are gone. The screen remains, untarnished, unblemished, the same as it was yesterday, and the week before, and the year before. My friends, your true nature is like the screen. You are not the image that appears to go through different trials and tribulations, or appears to be enjoying life to the utmost. They're both impostors. You are like the screen. There never really was an image. The image appeared for a time. It appeared. It appeared due to the fact that if you try to grab the image on the screen, what would you grab? The screen. That's why it is an appearance. It is hard to believe that your life, what appears right now, is unreal, simply because you have identified with it strongly. This is what is called maya, the grand illusion. You have strongly identified with your appearance of life, and you are reacting accordingly. Every time you react you are accruing karma. Accruing karma simply means the image is continuing again and again, the ego becoming stronger and stronger. And even when you leave this body, it continues into another body. There's no end. You go through many cycles, some good, some bad. You have all kinds of experiences. But until you realize that you are not the experiencer and there's no experience, you will go through the cycles of karma again, again, again, ad infinitum, no end. It is only when you get tired of playing the game called maya, playing a part called leela, that you decide to find the answer to your existence. You have to go through the game over and over again, and finally begin to search. You become a seeker. You begin to read spiritual philosophy. You may find a teacher and you're on the path. Depending on what you do, this determines where you go from there. When you come to a meeting like this, when you attend a satsang like this, you can rest assured that you have done spiritual work in a previous life. You deserve to be here to understand the reality, to understand how to transcend the mind, the ego, the pesonal self. As you begin to practice self-inquiry, witnessing, the I am meditation, things begin to happen. You're searching for self-realization, whereas all this time, self-realization has been exactly where you are. You have always been that, yet you believe you've got to search, you've got to read books, deep philosophies, when all you had to do was to wake up. All you had to do was awaken, just as when you awaken in the morning from your dream, you awaken. It's the same thing now. You simply have to awaken. Yet what is keeping you from awakening? Your attitudes. You are attached to your emotions and you are seeing things in your life that either appear wrong or appear either appear right. As long as you have a concept of right or wrong, you can never transcend your body and become free. Some people ask, "But things are right and wrong in this world. I have to take a stand." My question to those people are always the same. "To whom is there right and wrong? Who feels right and who feels wrong?" Only the ego. In reality there's no right and there's no wrong. There are just experiences of a dream unfolding. Yet the dream doesn't exist. It never did. The world, as it appears right now, does not exist. It never did. The way you believe you are, does not exist. It never did. There is only one and you are that. There never were others. There's only the one. Yet most of you cannot feel this. You're so identified with maya that the world of appearances cause you to feel emotional. You therefore have to work on yourself. You have to do something to yourself, to help you become free. If you leave yourself alone, and you do nothing, you'll go through life, after life, after life, on various planets. You'll have various bodies, female, male, maybe other bodies. It will never end for you. Therefore you begin to question your existence. That is the first step. You question your existence. You question your existence by inquiring, "Who am I? Where did I come from? What is my real nature?" You start this early in the morning, as soon as you open your eyes. Instead of being cognizant of the world, you leave the world alone for a few minutes. You question yourself, you ask yourself, "Who is awake?" and the answer comes, "I am. I am awake." Then you realize, "I also slept, I slept well, I had a good dream," and you start to wonder about this. This same I that is now awake, is the same I that had a good dream, and the same I that slept well. "Who is this I? What is it's source?" There is a spiritual center on the right side of your chest. You may call this the God center or consciousness. It is on the right side of your chest. You begin to trace the I-thought back to that center from whence it came. Once the I goes back into the center, you become liberated. Therefore the whole idea of spiritual practice, in Advaita Vedanta, is to follow the I-thought back to the source and become free. When the I appears to leave the spiritual center it goes into the brain, and you become cognizant of I am, I am the body, I think. Then you create a world and a universe out of your mind, and the world appears to you as reality. This all happens in a split second. That's why you're not aware of it. In other words, while you were sleeping the I rested in the spiritual center. As soon as you awaken, in a split second, the I goes into the brain, you become cognizant of a body, and then a world, and then a universe, and the mortal dream begins. So, you have to vehemently make up your mind that you really want to awaken. That's the first prerequisite. How do you know if you really want to awaken? You are sick and tired of the world. You're a person who is no longer trying to change bad for good, for you realize they're both impostors. You understand that the good lasts for so long, then there is bad. The bad lasts for so long, then there is good. You get old, you leave your body, and the game continues. You have to be disgusted with this first, I kid you not. As long as you believe you're enjoying the world and enjoying your life as a human being, you cannot awaken. It's like being in a dream and you're having a wonderful dream. You just don't want to wake up. But all things in the dream must come to an end and change. If you realize that the only thing permanent in life is change, then you will treat the good things in your life the same way as the bad things in your life. You will not become emotional over them, and you will not be attached to them. That's the only time you can go further. As long as you still want to play the game of maya, and act out your part, there's no sense in practicing self-inquiry, for your attachment will keep you back from reality. But for the person who has gone through many lives and is ready to give it all up, that person can practice self-inquiry. A question arises. "When I become self-realized, do I have to go live in a cave, or in the forest, or become a hermit?" On the contrary, there are Jnanis in every field of endeavor. Yet who asked that question? The ajnani. This is one of the things you should not concern yourself over. Everything will always work itself out. Many of you call me on the telephone and tell me you're afraid of awakening. You think you'll be different, your family will leave you or you'll leave your family, you'll lose your job. This is all ignorance. None of that will happen. The only thing that will happen is you'll be awake, and you'll see the world as a superimposition on the Self. That's all. You will have exceedingly happy moments in your life when you're in delusion, but the happy moments go. When you're awake, you stay in unlimited bliss. You become unlimited bliss. There are no longer any mood swings. You're always the same. Joy, bliss, happiness, they're all rolled into one, and they are you. So the sincere student does not worry about the results, or what might happen. They're ready to go for it. When something in their heart opens and they're ready to go for it 100%, they are led to the right teacher, who can show them the way, and they follow the instructions of the teacher. That comes first in their life. Those are the beings who awaken into bliss […] Your real nature is like a universal screen. On that universal screen planets are being born, universes come and go. The earth is only a small dot on the screen. You are that screen. You are nothing else. You are Parabrahman, all-pervading. You are self-contained consciousness, absolute reality, emptiness, nirvana, sat-chit-ananda, I am that I am. That is your real nature. Therefore make up your mind. Whom shall I follow? Shall I follow my ego, my emotions and what appears to be real, or shall I begin to ignore those things and dive into my Self, becoming free? The choice is yours. -- Robert Adams, T93: Silence, The Spiritual Center

If you're here, you know about enlightenment. My advice is keep studying it. Do meditation. And spend the next 10 years partying your ass off and fuck as much as you can. Seriously, be a slut. Do lots of drugs. Experiment with everything. Travel. Go to festivals. Expand your mind. Enlightenment will be there for you when your older. Enjoy your 20s. Bask in the joys of Ego. All the lust, debauchery, and hedonism. Then when you've got all that out of your system, then dedicate yourself to enlightenment, so your next 40 years can be egoless bliss.