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Ffs this is such a closeminded but expected take, to say that if someone is ethnocentrist it must mean they can't identify with more than just their own people is too black & white (no pun intended), i am ethnocentric and a white nationalist (if i was any other race i would be a nationalist for that race too, it's not about identfying with a race for the sake of race, it's for the sake of not having your race wiped off the face of earth) and at the same time i am aware at all times that this is my dream that i'm constructing in this moment as God where everything is a figment of my Godly imagination including people of different races meaning that ultimately everything is one and there is no duality, but despite all of this there is still duality in maya and as long as i'm dreaming this dream it's absolutely healthy to want to have your race of people to stay alive on the planet, it's basic survival 101 and survival is a healthy thing, what you're subtly proposing by calling ethnocentrism "level of cognitive identificiation" is suicide, which you show in a more direct manner at the end of your post by calling me racist for caring about the survival of my race within the dream. Sure, Kanye considers himself superior to many people but that's more from an egoic point of view, Kanye doesn't see any race or group of people superior to another, which is what you implemented by saying he thinks he's superior to jews because he sees something wrong with them. Kanye is not a nazi, all the nazi stuff that he does is just an intentional response to supression of all the nazi things, this happens with every supressed thing in the world, if things like nazis, swastikas, Hitler, talking about the jews weren't supressed topics he wouldn't see a need to put resistence to that supression which is what he's doing, him making a swastika shirt and saying i love hitler is him giving a big fuck you to the overall supression, that's mostly done by the jews in the media (which also proves his point about jews being overpowered in the media and all jew releated things like the Holocaust and Isreal being "greatest ally" being the most pushed topics by that same media in comparison to all the other topics within those categories). The example i gave you of jews seeing themselves as superior to others is directly releated to you saying Kanye sees himself as superior to jews, i gave you the reverse example and it actually made more sense because it has an entire religion backing it instead of an ego of a famous rapper. And in that last sentence of course you have to use the overused racism card in big 2025 because someone thinks one of the races of planet earth actually shouldn't cease to exist, there is nothing wrong with being protective of your own race, if i was black i would be a black nationalist, it's not about race, it's about not being suicial and instead wanting to keep existing, it's literally that simple and blatant. And you're the one talking about "contamination", i don't use that word so stop putting it in my mouth. And also your main point wasn't about me but about people in power, i'm not a person in power so that still doesn't explain the claim that there are white nationalists in positions in power, as i have said there are people in power who have talked the white nationalist talk but didn't walk the white nationalist walk, it's been this way since the 40s.

@VeganAwake I recognize I am extremely lucky. Not many make it this far. I ve seen people die by suicide because of this. Serious mental illness and substance abuse is not something you can just joke around with. I am lucky because I have been able to help others. But people relapse and die because of such comments. Why not better search for Truth? The Devil is a Liar. God is Honesty, Truth. It is that simple.

I think Kindness is one of the fundamentals to living The Good Life. But what is Kindness? What is Service? I think it is understanding and attending the Anger that the Other has against you and solving it, as illustrated by the above verse from The Sermon of The Mount. you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you "CLEAN THE FLOOR, you made an awful mess." Yes Ma'am. "Do 100 Push Ups NOW" Okay, Godfather. "Do the laundry CORRECTLY" Yes. "Do it again, YOU MESSED UP". Okay. "AGAIN!" Okay. I think it is not about solving my own anger, but other people's. I think that is the essence of service and abnegation and a route to enlightenment. After doing that, others will smile and you will sow Peace. In a clinic where people have commited suicide, this attitude can save their lives, and your own. I think this is part of Christ's message.

Is governmental assisted suicide just another form of the death penalty?

It objectifies people, the worst should be life in prison or exile, with the option of assisted suicide, if human life is sacred then human life is sacred.

This is for anyone nearing rock bottom, coming from someone who has been there. Let's start with why you think that suicide is a valid option. If you are like me, you are just fed up with life. Nothing ever really makes sense, everything seems to be going wrong, and there seems to be no reason to keep living in this nightmare. Why on earth would "God" put us here just to suffer? There probably isn't even a God or anything else out there. How could there be one when the world seems so bleak and pointless? So you think, why not just end this life? Why not just take what others may consider to be the easy way out, even though it is actually the hardest decision you have ever faced in your life. Why not put an end to all this never-ending pain and suffering, why not take my poor heart out of its misery? Because you know deep down that won't end the pain and suffering, it will just create more. Maybe not for you, if you succeed in leaving this planet. And that’s a big if - but we will get back to that point. Let's start with the suffering that your voluntary end will bring to others. For me, it started with thinking about the puppy I had. If I were to finish the bottle of pills in my hand, who would care for him? How long would it take someone to even find me? Would he survive until then? My parents had enough going on, they wouldn't be able to take care of him. My parents…this would break my mother's heart…my siblings, they are too young to handle this…. So start by thinking about friends, family, pets, co-workers, teachers, therapists, your favorite barista, literally any being that may be impacted by your death. That should be enough to at least make you second-guess yourself. What if you think that there isn't a single person out there that will care if you are gone? What if you think that nobody would notice, or even that the world would be better off without you? What if you are all alone? Then you will be the one to suffer the most. You're telling me that you have made it this far all on your own? If so, that is amazing. It is amazing that you have managed to survive in this world without anyone having your back. It is amazing that you have been able to survive this long. This means that you are strong, even if you haven't realized your own strength. Your mind and body have been through so much just to get you to this point. And you are going to repay it by "putting it out of its misery"? If it was truly in misery and unable to carry on, your heart would have already stopped. The fact that your heart is still beating means that your body is still fighting for survival. It is your mind that has given up, it is your mind that you are trying to put out of its misery. You are tired of all the negative thoughts. Negative thoughts about the past, negative thoughts about the future. But realize that they are only thoughts. And the notion that suicide will end suffering is also just another thought. Do you know that for sure? Do you know that killing yourself will kill your soul, your entire being, and take away all of the suffering? Are you sure you won't be reincarnated, sent to hell, or something else? How do you know? You don't. Not if you are being honest with yourself. You just believe it will. Belief is a powerful thing. It is belief that got you in this predicament in the first place. Your belief that life isn't worth living, that things will not get better, and that suicide is the way to resolve your situation. It is all belief. To put it in a way that you don't want to hear: it is all in your head. Man, had someone told me it was all in my head, I would have had some unkind words to send their way. What do they mean it's all in my head? Do they think that I am just making up all of this very real pain and suffering? Yes. Because whether you like it or not, you are. Thoughts are a powerful thing, they shape our entire reality. Everything you've ever experienced has been registered as a thought. So when these thoughts tell you that your life sucks, it truly seems like it does. And no one will ever be able to convince you otherwise. No one can force you to change your mind. That is something that you must do yourself. So I am not here to change your mind, because I can't. All I can do is tell you how I changed mine, and perhaps encourage you to try doing the same. I started by coming to terms with the fact that all of the suffering in my life was caused by me. I took 100% responsibility for the choices that led me to this point in my life. No more blaming the boyfriend with the anger issues, I decided to date him in the first place. No more blaming the back-stabbing friends, I chose to associate with them in the first place. No more blaming the president for trying to deport me, I chose to stay in this country. No more blaming the guy that tried forcing himself on me, I agreed to go out with him. No more blaming my parents for not being loving enough, I chose to associate my self-worth with their praise and attention. No more blaming anything or anyone, because every bad situation I have been in has been co-created by me. Even though I am responsible for all of this, I don't blame myself. I'm only human, I'm bound to make mistakes. I must forgive myself and learn from my mistakes. It has taken years to forgive myself, mostly because I didn't realize how much I was still blaming myself for my attempt. It has been a secret I have carried for way too long. I'm done being ashamed about it. I may not have much control over what life throws my way, but I have full control over how I react. It has taken a while for me to regain control over my emotions, and I still struggle with them when things don't go as expected. But I am working on taming them. Not by whipping them into place, but by acknowledging them, forgiving them, and learning from them. I don't neglect my feelings or pretend that they aren’t there. Instead, I realize when they arise, and I ask myself why. Why I am upset, frustrated, sad, annoyed, etc.? I find what is stressing me out and making me reactive, then I evaluate if it is worth being upset over. It is usually not. So then I let it go. This notion of letting things go is what has truly saved me. If you'd like to know more about it, Buddhism does a great job of explaining it. I have no way of truly doing it justice, so I recommend finding books or YouTube videos on it, there are dozens out there. So I take a deep breath, fill my lungs and body with all the negative feelings, and then slowly breathe them all out. I let the negativity leave my body without judging it. I'm not upset at myself for being emotional, it's just part of who I am. I just redirect my emotions. I have chosen to stop thinking bad things about the future and to let the past go. Whether something happened 15 years ago or 15 minutes ago, it is in the past and I won't dwell on it. As far as the future goes, I am not psychic. Whenever I have planned for bad situations in my head, they never have occurred. Life is too unpredictable, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold. So why waste the present moment living in what has already passed, or on what will probably never happen? This is another thing Buddhism has greatly explained, the power of living in the present moment. Of being mindful of what is happening right now, giving this moment all of your attention. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, live in the now. In addition to no more negative thinking, I have also chosen to focus on the good things. When someone asks me how my day was, I won’t complain even if it wasn't that great. Instead, I share with them something good. Maybe it was a pretty tree I saw this morning, a funny comment someone made, or just something that made me smile. Sounds cheesy and way too optimistic, but you have to fake it till you make it. Try talking positively about things, and eventually, you'll start thinking positively as well. Keep a journal where you write things that make your day a little better, and you'll start to notice those things more often. Chose to focus on the good things life has to offer. Especially the little things, like how the sun feels on your skin, or a nice breeze on a hot day. When something seemingly bad seems to happen, challenge yourself to see it as something good. Theorize about ways in which the situation isn't as bad as it seems. After all, whether a situation is good or bad is up to you. It is all relative, and who knows how it will play out. If you have read this far, that means there is still hope for you. It means you are looking for a sign not to follow through with your plan. Consider this to be that sign. I'll leave you with this: https://www.birchcove.co/insights/good-bad-who-knows You might think the future isn't great, but who knows? Stick around long enough to find out. Edit: in case you're curious about Buddhism, here is one of my favorite talks

Sounds like typical Christian rehab law. Suppress and repress instead of express on a healthy way. Did they commit suicide and went crazy because they expressed their anger in destructive ways, or because they suppressed it until it became unbearable?

@Aaron p @Leo Gura A drug rehab center in Mexico can be a place with A LOT of anger. Ive seen two commit suicide because of this, many relapse and many simply go crazy. I've observed my anger and I can see it come and go. But working with other addicts can be very challenging. One day a 50 year old woman asked: Why, after working with dolphins, art, group therapy, psychiatrists, many clinics, why has nothing improved? Because of RESENTMENT, I yelled and her eyes opened a bit, the owner of the clinic noticed this. So, I think there is something profound about Hate, Resentment and, Anger that creates a Duality between Self and Other and that somehow must be resolved. When I saw the Kingdom, I found a word - Conflict, which I have not yet resolved. What is Conflict? I will research and practice Sedona Method, thank you

Firstly, eventually, of course we will have to evolve to showing kindness towards especially mass murderers. Not in some sort of naive way, as you here suggest as a dunk of stage green naivety, but a genuine, structured compassion that maintains society while also allowing us to grow. Many mass murderers were traumatized, mentally ill, abused. If you do not have compassion, you will never get rid of this phenomena, because if you cannot recognize their humanity you will never even attempt to find a way to prevent them from becoming what they became. What even is the point of the killing? Again, the death penality has not shown to have any effect on criminality, nor on mass-murders. Mass murders happen in a context that will be completely removed from any impact the death penalty could have. Most of these people do it with the expectation of suicide or death anyways. And of course it's cruel, the death penalty is a severe form of psychological torture. Just read up on the torment it inflicts on individuals. And again, you completely avoid the necessary cost that will come with such laws, which is innocent people getting killed by the state. If you think that is avoidable, you don't understand the justice system. And again, to what end? What is the point of the death penality. To discourage mass murderers? How naive of a world view can you have if you think a mass murderer would think to themselves "Oh no, I better not kill a bunch of people because they have the death penalty on this". That's just an absurd picture, if you are committing such a crime there won't be any thoughts of the consequences. Yes, it does contradict kindness and love, it obviously does.

Why is suicide discouraged in religions and in general in spirituality? Would there be bad consequences? What if we commit suicide by self-love because we are stuck in a situation of great suffering for example? Would it be okay ?

My brother just killed himself about two months ago. Right before his suicide, I started my first job out of college and moved to a new state. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. I tried to save him, but failed.) He was 26 years old and I'm 22. He suffered from bipolar disorder, diagnosed around the age of 15. I spent most my youth planning to become a neurologist and or psychiatrist in order to help him. We were extremely close. He was my best friend. Now that plan is in the shitter. How could I ever start a successful business, family, etc..? I moved to a new state in my brother's time of need. I was and am a coward. I guess my question is how can I prove to myself that I'm not a loser after losing/giving up on my brother. Thanks

You and @puporing and most other leftists are just too stuck in victim mindset to take action on these changes and empower your lives and thus gain enough knowledge through doing it to see that it's going the right way. You're basically like people criticizing CEOs for being overpaid while never having started a business and not understanding the difference between commodity labor and executive skillset. I don't think we can come to an understanding but Purporing just proved my point that he's so clueless about how to impact the world that he would resort to suicide if the situation became worse. Reflect on the fact that you're a human and that humans are the most powerful creatures on earth. And that now you have AI and literally decentralized finance meaning that you could litereally take over Trump yourselves if you wanted to. TELL ME LITERALLY WHAT IS TO STOP YOU??? Your weak mindsets disgusts me honestly. Go back to spiral dynamics and integrate some Stage Red. You're not a hamster nor a victim nor a powerful man you're literally an infinitely powerful God that fooled himself thinking he's a powerless victim. Beta male energy. Get a grip.

@VeganAwake If meaning is an illusion, why do firefighters rush into burning buildings, doctors risk their lives in war zones, and parents shield their children at their own expense? Why did Schindler save Jews, Beethoven compose deaf, or Van Gogh paint through despair? If survival is the only motive, why do people sacrifice for something greater? If insight has no impact, why do addicts recover, ex-criminals transform, and therapy prevent suicide? Why does purpose pull people from depression? If nothing matters, why prefer food over poison, justice over false imprisonment, or a skilled surgeon over a blindfolded one? If direction is fake, should pilots ignore altitude? If morality is a construct, should we comfort abusers instead of victims? Even animals protect their young, are they hallucinating meaning too? Evolution itself favors meaning-seekers; if value were false, why does it increase survival? If nothing matters, why engage at all? The moment you reply, you validate discussion. The second you reject injustice, you assign meaning. And if this “isn’t a mental health forum,” why does it bother you if people seek understanding? If nothing matters, why care where they go? Reality won’t let you live your philosophy. The illusion isn’t meaning, it’s pretending you don’t need it.

As unstable as Trump is, as soon as prices start going up in the u.s. he will obviously cancel the tariffs. The threatened countries shouldn't flinch, Trump is a political suicide bomber with tariffs, he'll blow himself up. This is a legal way for foreign nations to have influence on U.S. politics.

Note: I am not gonna kill myself. Don't worry. That said. I feel that the only thing stopping me is that statement above. Which is fueled by the fear of death. Not just physical but metaphysical death. The reason I am afraid of suffering is because it will lead to my metaphysical death. Eternal suffering will do it even faster. So since it comes down to that one fear of death, if dulled greatly, what would stop me? Why would I NOT do it? Fear of missing out on the rest of my life? In God's POV an experience of suicide is just as valuable as a lifetime of experiences. Why? Because quantity and quality, time, they are all human concepts. I feel it's that I won't have a choice if the fear of death was to be removed on all levels. I'll just disintegrate or some shit. Because even on a physical level all your cells are afraid of dying so they act in a way to stay alive and ultimate work together to sustain your body. Same is with your mind. And most subtly with your awareness, that I think has to do with energetic biases. On such a level, only thing that would stop me from dissolving, would be an attachment. Why? Because attachment and fear are two sides of the same coin. The coin called Bias. Bias is what keeps YOU alive as an isolated consciousness. But bias is what makes you suffer. Bias helps you to survive but ultimately leads to you removing it, and dissolving. Eg. You are afraid of suffering so much that you find a way to remove the fear itself one day. This means that God doesn't pull you towards itself for dissolution, it's just a byproduct of the ingenious design of God. Like how parallel lines on a sphere will meet at the poles. It's not that something is pulling those lines together, it's because of the design of the surface itself. It's inevitable. You can try to sustain your fear of death in efforts to stay alive{because you're afraid of death}. To be afraid of something means to avoid it. But if you avoid it too well, by removing the fear, you'll die. So you have to avoid it artificially where you just leave so that the fear can bite you in the ass another time. So the only way to avoid artificially is through distractions. The lower consciousnesses can do this very well. Another way is to remove your fear of metaphysical death but substitute it with another bias, an attachment. This is what, I think, higher consciousnesses do. They will consciously choose attachments to keep surviving. Ultimately it will make no difference whether you choose to live eternally or dissolve. Making it a paralyzing decision. Nothing is stopping you from killing yourself, but nothing is stopping you from not killing yourself. Why would you do either? This is what I need help with. Can some help me draw a conclusion about the paralyzing nature of decisions.

Perfectly put. I had a friend with this mindset. He once set me an email about how much he loved to manipulate people and how good he was at it. It was the most psycho thing I’ve ever read. He ended up addicted to heroine and in jail with no friends left. Also, don’t be so sure about Karma. You really think God/The Universe wouldn’t input any kind of system for getting back what you put out? Leo doesn’t know everything and it’s unwise to just assume you can get away with fucking people over. Karma is real and it’s not a joke. Some people have such bad karma they end up living lives as schizophrenic homeless drug addicts who live in a literal hell everyday with no escape. They simply have to move through all that karma and suffer it. Suicide is not an escape and many traditions say just adds to your karma. Dont fuck with your Spiritual Karma. That’s no joke.

I get this feeling sometimes..in facing all the complications and the shit we endure in life..isn't it tempting to just jump off a tall building or hang yourself and be done with it all ? Of course the only problem is fear .death is the number one thing we fear .and we also don't know what comes after death .maybe its something worse than our current shitty life . This is all making me sick thinking about those psychological dynamics and the amount of fear and insanity that goes in our lives. My only question..is there Hope ?

Also apparently the transition from being alive to death as a ghost from NDE reports is sort of instant and like popping out of the body into the timeless state to which you visit realms that aren't of Earth and are difficult to describe which sounds different than say different alien realm planets or Psychadelic realms ... Though apparently idk sounds like there are loving angels on the other side and you get wrapped in unconditional love which to an extent sounds better than being a human, and many suicide attempts wanted to stay on the other side but were told their time wasn't to die yet so they had to return ... so

@Bobby_2021 @Oppositionless @gengar @kavaris Thanks Soul Fam for sharing some insights - Personally I've been listening to NDE reports about suicide attempts or general deaths, and honestly it is quite interesting ... I mean there does seem to be slight differences amongst stories - Although the same gist of things accross cultures even ... Sometimes I hear that a person may enter a hell realm on death but the moment they begin say praying to God or Jesus, then immediately a mirror reflection in the spiritual realm will reflect the divine heavenly bliss realms which is apparently the natural way of being for spirits ... Which is believable, it makes sense why the majority would prefer Heavenly states naturally over the hell realms, so I suppose it shouldn't be difficult to maintain unconditional love. Anymore insight feel free to add them in and I'll continue responding over time - Thanks again!

if this post is in a wrong section i can move it. im not a selective person if you are kind thats alright. you can dm me if you want. you may look up my last posts to decide. i really dont know if this post is against the guidelines of the forum. i can delete this post if moderators wish. i had some online friends in the past and it was a nice experience. i thought that people on this forum are very openminded and it would be nice to be friends. i wasnt looking this forum for over a month and first think i see was a mods *suicide*. i hope everybody is doing fine! have a nice day!

Hey Everyone For the past month I've been doing a deep dive into the darkest and most deprived sides of human nature through documentaries seeing as an understanding of this is part of the work. The topics include and not limited to: murder rape and sexual exploitation human, drug, organ, weapon trafficking con artistry bullying corruption (sexual, financial, religious) cults dictators child soldiers and civil wars cannibalism racisim, sexisim suicide genocide torture hate crimes gambling animal abuse I have created a comprehensive list and have made it a collaborative so you can add more to it. Feel free to add your suggestions. Will add more videos to it with time.

As I said, mental health, especially things like suicidal ideation, is not an all or nothing thing, if you're thinking about suicide everyday and therapy takes it down to once a week then obviously that's great progress. Most therapy is not going to cure mental health issues completely, it doesn't work like that, some people do therapy for trauma for years. A 40% reduction in mental health issues for someone would be considered an incredible improvement. Generally your post has lots of speculation and assumptions, do you have anything to back it up or it's just your belief? I can't really debate your beliefs if that is the case

That's right, independent thinking is no guarantee of proper sense-making or truth. It's just the bare minimum to even stand a chance. Independent thinking easily turns into corruption or distortion. 1) In your case you can clearly see through a bit of self-reflection that your worldview is strongly colored by hurtful traumatic events. This kind of emotionality creates bias and distorts sense-making. So a simple answer to your question is to not ever make an worldview based on hurt, bitterness, or suffering, since such a worldview will be distorted and dysfunctional. Basically, don't construct worldviews based on negative emotional states. So in this case, proper independent thinking should have led you to see that your worldview was constructed from a place of trauma, which is not a sound way for constructing a worldview. Imagine if I constructed the entire Actualized.org worldview based on my mother abusing me as a child. Would that be an accurate worldview? Clearly not. I would first need to heal that trauma before I could construct a proper worldview. 2) There cannot be any formula for avoiding self-deception. The only solution is live consciousness and active intelligence. This intelligence must be active at all times and self-reflecting. It cannot be a one-and-done thing. You must keep being intelligent as long as you live. 3) Practically, in your case, therapy would be a good way to gain more clarity over your worldview. Psychedelics as well of course. 4) If you have deep Awakenings or realization of Infinity/Love/God, then you will realize that self/other is an imaginary duality which must collapse. From this understanding you can know that your bitterness and hatred of mankind cannot be truthful, because mankind is just an aspect of God/Infinity/Love/Self. The truth is that the same people who killed your dog are metaphysically identical to your dog and yourself, since there is no difference between self and other at the highest level of reality. So in order to heal yourself from this tragedy would require connecting with that disowned, shadow aspect of yourself. The thing you hate the most -- the people who killed your dog -- is the thing that you will ultimately need to realize as identical to yourself. That would be the conclusion which results in the healing. But that is a tall order. I'm not tell you to necessarily just do it right now. You probably need much more time to pass before you are ready to face such radical integration. I'm sorry, this is difficult to tell you, but the following applies here: https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-090 The entire challenge of spirituality is to integrate that. To integrate that basically requires complete Awakening beyond what a human mind can imagine. It would be an Awakening so deep that you would basically die and return from the grave. In that moment of death, death itself would heal you. (I am not talking about suicide.) When the self dies, God's love cleanses your psyche of corruption by melting you into pure Infinity. An ocean of love where your dog, yourself, and your enemy are One. This Oneness is Absolute Truth. From this Truth all sense-making must derive, otherwise it will be corrupt.

Probably not, but I'm sure that she didn't do mashamadi. Maybe she committed suicide and sadhguru thought that it would be a big stain and he said that was mashamadi. He burned the body before the autopsy. In addition the people who do mashamadi in India are not burned are buried.

It's so weird being in here, writing stuff he will never read. Because I'm so used to this forum meaning him. Discussions with him and thoughts about him and me checking if he was online regularly if we didn't speak, worrying when his content seemed too much up in the clouds, worrying when he didn't write anything at all. I looked up to him so much, I was so amazed by his mind. But I was also so angry at him for spending so much time being in his own head thinking about God instead of just living and being and breathing with me. There's a memory I had forgotten, but it has kept returning after he has died. I had moved to the other city then, to study, but we talked on the phone, of course, It wasn't during one of the break periods. But I remember I was still surprised that he called me. That it was me he called. He was in shock, he had fallen off his bike, you know he used to drive so fast and recklessly it was insane, with his long-limbed alien-body no one could control - him the least! When I remember it, I can see him as if I am standing next to him looking at his wounds in the bathroom mirror, but it was just a phone call. He was laughing almost, from the shock, he said he probably should go to the hospital. he described his wounded face to me. There's something about that memory, I think it comes up because it felt so normal and earthly and I felt so... Like if by calling me, he said to me - yes, you are the one I call when I'm hurt and don't know what to do. And I felt able to comfort him. And included. I asked if I should come to his city and go with him to the hospital. He of course said no, but I should not have listened. Before he died I don't think I really understood regret. I thought I could go through life without ever regretting anything - because everything happens for a reason right. And the universe has a plan. I do still believe that. I can never not believe that, and he wouldn't have wanted me to. He would laugh at me if I lost faith, I can almost hear him. Rolling his eyes at me - like God in all is the most obvious thing. But fuck, what I wouldn't give to be able to turn back time and take that fucking two-hour train ride to sit with him in that fucking hospital, holding his hand. Pressing my head against his chest. Kissing his shoulder and neck and fingers. And now I'm crying and it's probably better to stop writing now because I really think I should do this in small steps. I think it could be good for me though, to write about it in here. I feel people in here know him in a way that is comforting to me. They know his mind and his words and his empathy and all of his stupid trips and contemplations.