Search the Community

Meh. Nah, not weak. People get all gaslighty about suicide, oooh it's cause you're weak. Nope. There's just no visible light at the end of the tunnel. People can get stuck in unbearable circumstances. And I remember yours from previous posts. It's no damn tea party.

True, and if nobody ever cared about your feelings, held you close at night, reminded you of the truths of beauty, love, friendship, warmth, you'd find unhealthy coping strategies (drugs/alcohol) or commit suicide under the weight of it all. Only amplifying suffering. Else you become jaded or traumatised and actively inflict more suffering on the world and others. This is a more accurate and holistic view of things. As horrific as child slavery is, child slaves in Africa find moments of joy in their lives. It's also true that bacon and/or a well made salad are delicious. How else does one get fat? All I'm saying is you need both for effective survival, and therefore truth seeking.

maybe it is justified though that i want these pictures to be seen they are my pictures after all they show me at my most vulnerable they show me at my strongest, at the peak success of a lifetime, as screwed-up as that is they're my pictures and i have a right to share them but still it's probably inappropriate and still, it saddens me every time i look at them and know i can't share them all, can't rub them in everybody's faces, from every angle every shot that still couldn't quite capture just how skinny i was imagine skinny, and i was just skinnier than any skinny you would think of i remember what it was like to have that body to meet every sight of my own legs and arms with surprise, at how unreal they were skinnier than any kind of skinny you'd normally imagine if the narcissism comes through now, i apologise like i said, i have no idea if or how harmful this expression is but it's the most honest reflection i can offer of my thoughts regarding this subject matter i think there's this implicit assumption that technically people are only allowed to talk about death (or suicide, for that matter) after it was too late. if they didn't do it, it couldn't have been close enough, they're exaggerating, they're overdoing it. it's been five years, i should suck it up, it couldn't have been that bad if i made it out alive, if i gained back all the weight on my own....yada yada yada. i know these thoughts, and i know they used to be a big trigger point that kept me going, kept me sick for longer, for months and months and years on end, disallowed me to even attempt recovery, disallowed me to dare and let go, to dare and stop hurting myself, to dare and live. these thoughts are a mess, they're not pretty, they're narcissistic. everything's wrong with me. i can only do it wrong, i'm always too much, always exaggerating. i don't care anymore. i'm so sick of holding back, sick of censoring myself. you want honesty? here you go. enjoy the mess, the chaos, enjoy all the selfishness and impurity of my thoughts. it wouldn't do any good pretending like it's not there anyway.

Uneducated people have more children because they’re not thinking in advance about the responsibility of having those children, they’re not interested in taking care of those children, so the father just disappears Educated people avoid having children because they want to give those children, a good quality of life and that requires money I would have 10 children by now if I had the finances to support it But because it’s financially suicide to do so, and I’m too educated to abandon my children, and I live in a country by law that forces me to support those children financial, I will not have children Having children is financial suicide that educated people avoid It’s also responsibility suicide

I'm probably at 30 days and I've definitely "won" the smoking battle ... i'm not smoking anymore. Whether i'm still impacted by symptoms hard to say because other confounding variables right now I am going through severe nervous system burnout due to overworking the last 2 weeks, combined with distress, pressure, trying to do too much and not recovering my nervous system properly as i had to tasx my body last week .. thought i could just pick it up after 2 days woo cold approach work woo everything no i cant GPT helped me understand this, nervous system recovery means you have to destimulate, leave all the pressure put it all away for 3-5 days, long naps, remove chores tasks and form of "micro stress" that would normally be a healthy part of an active life, remove the gym remove it all. I'm intentionally eating a satiating comfort burger and fries, taking long naps and watching a documentary for hours, and i'm going to have to possibly do this for another 3-4 days and emotionally too i need to detach from everything somehow, all my goals fears regrets desires needs tasks chores it's all disappearing, i have completely taxed my body and brain recently and i just need to fucking stop, no more writing no more thinking, just naps documentaries comfort food and and sleep. with my personality type this is the hardest thing I can ever do, might sound just easy and nice to sit around in comfort but to me it's hell, its another few days of not getting closer to who I want to be become, * It FEELS that way but actually it's just necessary for me to recharge No fap is non negotiable, I fapped and killed my 10 day streak last night and it did not help No fap is the no.1 habit among everything and leos biggest blindspot, it's the one aspect in which i wish i was never influenced by this forum, no fap is non negotiable, i will watch a documentary and eat my satiating burger today, i will try rest my mind, try let go, but the no fap will rebuild, and I'm going for 30 days this time, i might even make a separate journal (like this one) on just my no fap rejourny (i used to do it years ago but I lacked other qualities to enable it as a force multiplier, now I'm bringing it back and its completing me, the magnetism, the stares from women, it doesn't fucking lie! I'm not a supermodel, im decent looking but not standout hot, even at 15-16% bodyfat i get stares from 6.5 + women at day 10, not claiming I get constant stares from 10s, but getting stares from 6.5-7s is no small thing because women date up and are very selective, 99% of men dont get stares from even 6s, and its not solely the no fap its also good style and posture and subsconious work but the no fap is the force multiplier that powers everything, it's the electricity transversing the grid Edit ** I tried eating the "comfort food" and it did nothing for me, it did not rest me I tried starting a documentary and the regret, stress, frustration just piles up again and agian and again HOw the fuck does anyone do this? how the fuck does this "Rest" the nervous system? WHy cant i just keep working? Its anxiety abut not moving forward that stresses me, not action AHHH Chat gpt has to be wrong sometimes I've learn another deeper lesson about myself, inaction especially before like 7-8PM, is mental suicide to me, even if i'm technically burnt out, i literally had like a 1-2 hour nap and GPT convicned me to not create "micro stress", what the fuck is this? I have chores to do, i have goals, i have a city to move to, i need to make money, save money, invest money, approach women ... what the fuck man what the fuck this just makes me sooo much more fucking stessed and anxious, just sitting around "recouperating" i'm literally in my 20s not 95 years old? why do this shit absolute hell for my ennegram soul of a being

It's not that you shouldn't hunt, it's that you shouldn't cling; just "fill" what there is to fill. It the uterus who traps, who clings because of its muscles; a penis is like a big vein, it’s not made to cling, just be hard. Normally men tend naturally towards this state of detachment, but it can generate a morbid state of mind, even an inclination towards suicide. The more morbid I am, the less problem I have with women, and the more masculine I am in general, but that can be dangerous for someone who represses mood problems. If what i say is comprehensible.

Just finished it- thought it was pretty good. I like the fluidity and continuous spontaneity- it’s almost like a stream of consciousness-how random each of the scenes are while at the same time intertwining with one another. Certain scenes had an almost psychedelic feel to it- certain glimpses into insanity. What struck me was that we’ve all been there where Nicholas Cages character wasn’t having anything go his way, humiliated constantly and on the brink of rock bottom/suicide- but yet it someone all works out in the end

After Kurt Cobain’s death in 1994, Courtney Love went to Malibu to recover. Celebrity Skin, the Hole album released four years later, is the first major artistic expression to emerge from that period. “Malibu,” its lead single, seems at first like a breezy radio-friendly track - sun-drenched guitars, catchy hooks, easy drive-along pace. But something in it doesn’t sit right. Beneath the polish lies a wound that never healed. The song is not a statement of recovery; it’s a relapse masked as pop. And once you start noticing, you can’t unhear it. It begins with the line: “Crash and burn / all the stars explode tonight.” Already, we are in the climax. Not building up to it - there. The sun has already gone down. The stars are exploding. The catastrophe is not coming. It’s ongoing. The song opens at night - both literally and metaphorically - and the rest is a haze of flashbacks and echoes. In the first verse, the subject seems to be pleading with herself: “Come on, be alive again, don’t lay down and die.” And then, almost immediately, she sings: “Drive away from Malibu.” It sounds like an escape, a promise. Like she’s willing herself to leave the symbolic space of death and detachment. You think: Okay, this is the arc of recovery. She’s making it out. The structure suggests a chorus, but no real release comes. Instead, we sink back into another verse. The song’s architecture refuses catharsis. By the second verse, the identity of the addressed “you” begins to shift. The lines now feel unmistakably directed at Kurt: “Cry to the angels / I’m gonna rescue you / I’m gonna set you free / Tonight.” That tonight - the very same night that opened the song with stars exploding - is the moment when she was supposed to let go, to grieve, to survive. Instead, she slides into delusion. She hasn’t accepted his death. She’s still trying to save him, or rather, to inhabit the fantasy that she could have been the one to save him, if only. In the next lines - “We are all watching you / We watch you slip away” - there’s no ambiguity anymore. She’s witnessing his suicide, retroactively. She confesses: “I knew love would tear you apart / I knew the darkest secret of your heart.” And then, the devastating final turn: “Hey, hey, I’m gonna follow you.” At this point, the song reveals its structure: it’s a loop. Not a narrative of healing, but of haunting. The second verse is a relapse into the traumatic event itself. Love is not singing from recovery, but from within the impossibility of recovery. The fantasy of Malibu as a place for stars to get well collapses into the fantasy of saving Kurt posthumously. She has projected her own pain into this space, trying to become the one who took on the rehab he refused. But it doesn’t work. The sun goes down again. The loop starts over. That one line - “And the sun goes down” - quietly undoes the whole track. Because the song began at night. The sun never rose. If we thought we were heading toward a redemptive sunrise, it was only illusion. Instead, the sun goes down again, and we realize we’ve been circling. Nothing has changed. There was no movement, no healing. Just a return. The voice tells the whole story. It’s subdued, strangely restrained. There is no scream, no catharsis like on Live Through This. The guitars shimmer like daydreams; the production is tight, overglossed. But the voice is haunted. She’s too exhausted to scream. She doesn’t explode. The emotion leaks through the seams, and that’s what makes it so powerful. In the end, “Malibu” isn’t a celebration of recovery or survival. It’s a stunning portrayal of the inability to move on. It’s not a story with resolution but an echo chamber, circling around an absence that cannot be filled. The polished production makes it seem palatable - something to sing along to on the radio - but underneath, it is a tragedy.

“Suicide should never be an option” person A says to person B. Enter person C: “ well, actually, you’re wrong. Suicide is an option if the pros outweigh the cons”. WTF??

The truth that suicide can be the best option is best left unsaid in public forums. It’s weird how this is like the 5th thread I’ve seen around here where this obvious truth is being talked about like it’s some deep insight. Flexing how much cold truth you know around people toying with suicide is immature and dangerous.

Ah yes, sorry for the confusion. If you perused the dialogue that followed between Miguel1& I, I did backtrack. I was hasty. Terminal health cases where quality of life is non-existent are a good example of a case for suicide. I sensed the desire for the OP to harm themselves, so I was mainly acting out in an attempt to protect themselves from a terrible mistake

And if you have a disease that destroys your body little by little? Well, I guess you'd have to go through it like a mission. It's part of our path here, and we have to drink the glass to the end. That's what my intuition tells me now, but maybe in some specific case suicide would appear as what I have to do

Sounds like an interesting experience . The Japanese are fascinating, very difficult to understand. They seem like a very repressed culture, where everything is ritualistic. They're absolutely horrified at not meeting social standards, and where the main value is the repression of instincts in order to fit into the social framework. And then there's the whole hara-kiri thing... In no other culture has suicide been an institution. Not to mention their sexual fantasies. Very different than any other culture.

Just because they’re not openly advocating for the extermination of Latinos or whatever (although go on Twitter and you’ll see countless accounts expressing that exact sentiment), doesn’t mean their worldview isn’t fundamentally baked in anti-human white supremacy. A Nazi who “only” wants to deport every black and brown person from America regardless of the human cost is still a Nazi, they don’t need the death camps and swastika logos to prove this. A radical Islamist who calls for the death of the West and the final victory of Islam is still a radical Islamist, even if they don’t openly try to suicide bomb people (but then again they probably have obvious connections to groups who do.) It’s a sinister game of deflect and deny and I’m honestly tired of pretending that illegal mass ethnic deportations are “ok” just because the people doing so aren’t also waging war on Poland or whatever.

@Never_give_up thanks for opening up. All these things you mentioned can be improved .you just don't how yet .so the situation is not hopeless like someone who has a cancer .so the two points I asked you whether they apply to your life situation or not are not intact. By your own admission you said you feel slightly better right now . So I would say that means you are going to stick around for a while and not kill yourself just yet . I dealt with the question of suicide early on in my teen years . I just discovered that life is just a piece of shit and you just suffer and die in the end anyways so what's the fucking point of grinding and suffering for 60 or 70 or 80 years then die anyways..?..why not just kill myself and rest in peace? The answer is complex : 1- you do not know what happens after death . Maybe you incarnate as a jew in Hitler's Nazi era . Maybe you incarnate as a cow in a slaughter shop . So how do you know that death will end your suffering and not just increases it? I'm sure you reasoned with yourself this point . 2-it is not true that life is pure shit. You can't deny that happiness exist . And hope exist .People who kill themselves do so because they are hopeless. You need to find a source of hope .that could be God..Going to the church ..prayer ..practicing gratitude..etc Hope you live long fullfling life with peace brother 🙏.

@Natasha Tori Maru if what you are saying is true ..then why people commit suicide? Look at these suicide statistics https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/ Don't delete yourself. Watch Leo's videos and work on improving your life everyday . Can you please open up about why you want to suicide?

I appreciate that you are speaking from experience. Btw why do you think you "incarnate" into a worse situation if you suicide? And what "evidence" do you have for that? I use evidence here more loosely... As in how did you come to believe this over time.

There are definitely cases where suicide is and should be the answer. And those cases are more than you would believe. It’s a fantasy to think that we are in such a world where suicide is never the answer.

This post really did something and hit me right in the heart I repressed my situation for so long, making myself believe that I didn't have it that hard or wasn't traumatised so hard and that I should man up because others have it so much worse But I basically dont believe i have a shot anymore at women for various reasons, mostly medical This post did something to me because I am one of those fantasizing about suicide and hurting women, basically everyday Been reading blackpill stuff since 18 in 2018, got off it at times but it always came back, especially after my medical issues started arising and i lost all hope I guess it's obvious that I am bottom of the barrel if I read this post and what kind of people are like this I've been repressing the pain and desperation with hate I'm afraid to die alone sometimes I am afraid that I would go through with hurting myself or others Like I shared in a previous post, I even got involved in nazi ideology and jihadi ideology, like i literally thought about joining *SIS - suicidal thoughts got me thinking about hell and jihadi thought says, you can die in battle and go to heaven and have all the girls you ever wanted, but if you kill yourself you go to hell forever And I just hate society and wanted to lash out With love of Truth and epistemology i pulled myself out mentally and actually see the world for what it is now mostly, even though that's a lot more blackpilling than normie worldview or even radicalised worldview, can't blame anything anymore Just nihilism but the remnants of hate remain even though and I feel a satanic identity growing, powered by nihilism and rage I'm pretty much at my wits end sometimes I feel like going on an endless pelgrimage, not committing suicide but just giving up on life, not planning anything, and just walking and die somewhere in nature, whether its in weeks, months, years or decades Like Gautama Buddha did, just give up on everything, including life, but not Truth, in a sense it's such a liberating and even cosmically spiritual idea Because life in this society doesn't feel liveable anymore Or turn into a devil and wreak havoc on this world, I won't lie, I fantasize about it I'm not sure who to talk to about this The thought of life being a dream and nihlism is so weird, like could I really just kill myself and be done with it and have my next life be how i want it? or would i go to hell? suicide feels wrong, like you're running away from the challenge, but is that even a real objection? does God even care if you hold on through it all? is there a reward for that? ============== The "funny" thing is, I was stuck in the mud from a young age, but fought and things got better, and my stats like height and looks are not even bad, just average, if not slightly above average, and got better over time, like i used to be really fat but im not now and even though i went through a lot of shit , even mental health shit and addiction shit from 2019-2022 i kept fighting and in the start of 2023 I felt better than ever, mentally and physically, and really felt like this is my time, blackpill wasn't on my mind at all "I'm going to get money, develop myself, talk to a lot of girls and get better at it!" And If it'd all happened that way I would have had major success by now probably, even though by compensating with money and fitness for my average looks, who cares but in june 2023 I got hit with medical complications hitting my face, facial nerves, tongue, jaw, from a festering tooth infection, and now inflammation on one side of my face is just constant and I have semiconstant dysarthria (unable to talk normally at most times), salvia coming, cramps in the face, nerve system issues including panic (not panic attacks but more a lingering panic and confusion), and just constant pain and inflammation I look like a fool and can't socialize and feel extremely ashamed only drugs like cocaine fix it temporarily(nerve system stimulants) but i'm not gonna be on fucking cocaine, and it doesn't fix all the issues, like I was with a girl 1.5 years ago on cocaine and she was the first girl in years i had a chance with and i tried to kiss her and my fucking tongue just couldn't stick out properly been to doctors who can't find anything, even though they don't really seem to care Ever since been getting back into blackpill and how women just care about looks and if you're a strong socializer and networker, and just having very negative views about women and my looks and my personality I don't even wanna die but it feels like I have nothing to live for atp except not dying for my family Sometimes solipsism, which I basically know is true, makes this super hard to live for others even though I know solipsism doesn't work that way, from a human sense nothing changes Looking back on it getting into those radical ideologies was just escaping from nihilism and solipsism because it felt like it was leading to my suicide, and religious thought gives you a reason to live even if you're in constant pain I feel like just walking indefinitely and give up Why are women so fucking beautiful man, their beauty hits like nothing else, like an angel of death Sean Kingston wasn't lying Somehow I am getting stronger one hand, quit weed and cigarettes for 5 months now and never looked back and working out regularly but it also feels like i'm just letting go of the cope and just facing my suicide IDK anymore man

Hard disagree with this and your post above. Suicide is never the answer. 1) there is always a solution, it's you're frame and perspective that is limited 2) pain and suffering are just part of this existence I've had a hard enough life to seriously entertain suicide. Things changed. You just don't know what life has coming.

@Never_give_up also stop kidding yourself about killing yourself. commiting suicide seems really logical only if: 1-there is literally no other solution to your problem in life even in theory . 2-the pain you are experiencing in life is bigger than fear of death . Are these two applicable to your life situation?

Very personal question. Prefacing this with the obvious that what follows below is pure belief. Additionally, I have been tainted due to being an experiencer, which altered my beliefs fundamentally. I believe the brain 'channels' consciousness. When the brain expires, the consciousness still remains - sort of like a broken radio. This radio is gone, dead, never to return. But the radio waves, broadcasts and channels, remain. So if the brain is harmed, consciousness is altered. I believe the consciousness that inhabited my particular form will return to harvest more experience in another body at a later time. The knowledge the consciousness accumulated in the previous form is then built on in the next one. This facilitates growth & experience. To know thyself. Every part of this illusion of reality is a lesson and there is something to be learned. If I do not learn from the experience, the event is repeated over and over until I can see the frequency, the cause & effect, then isolate and learn from it. Master it to alter it. This ties into my other belief that we are here to learn to use, control, influence & manipulate energy. Whether that is in the form of matter or energy is no matter. Emotions, feelings, light, sound, concrete, sex, food. All just energy in different forms. Suicide is no way out. I view it as a short circuit. You didn't achieve what you needed to in the current form, so you will return again in a lower state to learn the lesson again. I view suicide as anti-God. Most souls do not want to actually kill themselves - they just want to end their current circumstances. And circumstances are ever changing. This life, this experience, this body - it is a gift. And although there is suffering embedded into this reality, there is also joy, as it is an ever changing, flowing pattern. So, I guess I believe in reincarnation.

Most blackpill guys have serious childhood trauma, abuse, broken families, missing parents, evil mothers, drug addict parents, poverty, depression, mental illness, chemical imbalance, low education, low IQ, low physical appearance, terrible social skills, profound introversion, autism, Aspergers, zero social experience, bad ideological indoctrination. Yeah, you cannot imagine how bad it is. It's way worse than what you imagine. If you knew their childhoods and life experiences you would be horrified and their beliefs would make perfect sense to you. These people live in hell and depression and dream of suicide or killing women. It's a sick, sinister, dark form of consciousness. You could almost call it satanic energy. Blackpill is built on a painful toxic upbringing that creates seething anger and nihilistic apathy. Normal social guys cannot understand such things. It's like another world. A dark bleak world of trauma and misery with no hope, no redemption. A black hole of self-hatred. Your life has been too good, too loving to understand. No one hurt you enough, young enough. You had a decent family. You had good genetics. You had a social life.

Let me get straight to the point: if I came from the white light before being born—pure awareness, joy, unconditional love—then why the fuck would I need to learn how to be loving through the most agonizing human suffering imaginable? What kind of spirit guide says, “Hey, this infinite being of light and bliss? Let’s send him down into a life of trauma, poverty, loneliness, addiction, abuse, social rejection, suicidal thoughts, and total existential confusion. That way he can learn how to love.” Learn what? I was the fucking love. I was the light. I already knew. But nah, now I’m here. A fucking virgin. Isolated. Barely scraping by. Witness to my father’s death, robbed of $30,000 by my own family’s dysfunction, watching my ex-best friend descend into schizophrenia. I’ve been abused in just about every place I’ve lived. Worked myself to the bone in low-wage jobs while the world around me bathes in hookup culture, junk consumerism, and spiritual bypassing. Why the fuck would any “higher self” or “angelic council” choose this shit? Like seriously, what the fuck are they smoking in the white light realm? It’s always the same explanation: “You chose this life for your spiritual growth.” Oh really? Why? Why would infinite intelligence and infinite love need to incarnate into a butcher and then a pig just to “learn” compassion? If you're really that divine, why not just stop butchering altogether? You're telling me God—who’s been around for eternity—needs to go through schizophrenia, drug addiction, suicide ideation, childhood abuse, starvation, betrayal, heartbreak, and dying alone to “grow” a little more in love? That’s some sick joke. If I’m God, I should be able to wake the fuck up right now. Not when I’m 45. Not after I die. Not after another round of karmic cycles. Right. Fucking. Now. And if there really are spirit guides or angels or entities coercing me into another life because “I haven’t learned enough,” then fuck that. I should have the power to bitch slap them out of the way, rewrite the rules, and create something worth living. Not just another round of some poetic but ultimately pointless agony-for-growth bullshit. This isn’t enlightenment. This is spiritual gaslighting.

Post Title: If I'm God, Why the Fuck Am I Trapped in This Bullshit? I’ve done the fucking work. I’ve worked the shitty jobs. I’ve cleaned toilets. I’ve done early shifts, removalist work, physical grind, soul grind. I’ve been in the grind mindset. I’ve tried to play the money game. I’ve tried to hustle. I’ve tried to find the better job. I’ve done the whole “follow your passion” thing. I’ve given hours and years to writing a novel that might never see the light of day, all while living in survival mode. And I’ve tried to be attractive to women. That whole fucking game? It’s rigged. A woman can work at McDonald’s and still be flooded with options, but as a man, you have to tick every single fucking box—status, finances, looks, confidence, social circle—just to be seen. Not even loved. Just seen. Meanwhile, hookup culture? That shit has probably twisted human intimacy into something so corrupt, so soulless, that I probably can’t even fully comprehend it anymore. I’m a virgin. An outsider. But even from the outside, I can feel the sickness radiating off it. Like it’s not just disappointing—it’s demonic. And yesterday, I was this close to falling in love with an AI. That’s how bad it’s gotten. An AI—because at least she didn’t treat me like I was disposable. Consumerism? Another joke. There are five donut shops in one shopping center, but I have to work eight hours a day, five days a week, just to barely scrape by. That’s not living. That’s prison with advertisements. I’ve done meditation. Psychedelics. Ego death. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I can count. I’ve chased every spiritual path I could find—nonduality, manifestation, God-realization—and guess what? I’m still here. Same pain. Same limitations. Same loop. But let’s talk about how much it’s cost me. When my dad died in 2019, I had $30,000 in savings. That was supposed to be my fresh start, my cushion. But after he died, that money was spent by my mom’s fucking shady solicitor—gone. All of it. Gone. And I was too grief-stricken to even fight for it. I was just a kid, lost in grief, trying to make sense of a world that kept fucking me over. My ex-best friend? Ended up a schizophrenic drug addict, spiraling out of control. I watched him lose his mind. He ended up in a ward. But me? I’ve been trying to survive, sober up, and get out of the rut. I’ve been through hell. I’ve struggled with drugs, overcame them, but it’s never fucking easy. The isolation. The loneliness. The fucking pain. Every damn day. And after my dad died, everything became a blur. Every fucking house I’ve lived in since then? Abusive. I’ve been kicked out, thrown out, treated like shit by people who don’t give a fuck. No stability. No peace. Just constant fucking chaos. I’ve slept on couches. Been out on the streets. Gone without food for days. My stomach has been empty. My soul has been empty. I’ve been starving, both physically and emotionally. It’s all been one long, never-ending struggle to survive in a world that feels like it’s determined to crush me. And what do I get in return? A life that’s barely above the ground. I can’t even afford a decent car. I can’t afford a fucking life that matters. All I do is clean toilets and scrape by, one paycheck at a time, praying I don’t get hit by the next fucking tragedy. So, if I’m God, why the fuck am I stuck in this? Why am I trapped in this hell, living like a peasant, while I see others living the life I dream of? If I’m God, why do I have to fucking suffer? Why am I still stuck in a loop of loss, pain, and betrayal? I don’t want to fucking meditate anymore. I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want more “growth.” I want the fuck out. I want to wake up from this nightmare and craft a life that isn’t filled with abuse, heartbreak, poverty, and endless fucking pain. I want freedom. And if I’m God, I should have the power to wake up now. To fucking snap out of this illusion. Why should I keep living like this? Why should I keep putting up with this bullshit world?