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is that the place of peacefull infinte bliss and love? is that where you rest now and speak out of directly?

@Martin123 this resonates with me. oh my god, how can this be? I've just come back from a break from this place.. and what you write..wow. just perfect for this moment. I'm not sure what happened, but lately I seem to be extremely sensitive. lots of empathy, lots of feelings I get from speaking to people. and it sometimes really hurts.. my heart has just been broken a little. all the suffering is pouring back in, after weeks, months of joy, lightness and bliss. fuck. why. I've made myself vulnerable again. and now I've been crushed again. something little made my heart break. how can I handle this new found sensitivity?

Actually his videos are pretty calming I should spend an afternoon just sitting and watching this guy... maybe I can bliss out with him. (Only looking away to piss in a jar if I need to) Deeply inspiring thought, thanks for sharing! I watched him a long time ago, and I just always wanted to find an excuse for him getting away with that ("he is crazy" "he is on meth", etc). Maybe he is sitting there and tripping? Who knows...

@non_nothing or it takes nothing if he's self realized and just yoloing about it. it's probably 4 hours of continuous bliss and and being in that oneness state - and just recording it vs normally most of us would just sit but yeah, i do still agree. takes balls! love the comments under the video though there are some who question that to be meditation that he is doing. but most think he's lost it - i can see why they may think so kudos to this guy though

yesterday after having a mini joint of w33d, i went into this brief state in which none of the visual/overall experience changed... but it all changed... the best way i can now put it to myself is like all of a sudden being inside of a VR video - except much more deeply (with all 5 senses involved) it was from a place of watching at first... "I" did not notice it... it was rather when "I" noticed that I am in that state... the "am in the state" became "was in that state" I now get why it is said any movement/thought takes you out of it my mind wanted to say/shout/exclaim WOW! and investigate that state and how I got there but any "doing" of that sort took me out of it yet while i was in that state, i sort of understood/noticed/realized that i am in it - without having the need to think about it it was amazing! i'm sure any of you who has had a non-dual experience would know what I am talking about i also have some questions the state did not feel like what I would call "infinte bliss" or "infinte love" i still had a sense of a body in that - i did not disassociate with my body in that moment. i did realize though that I am all of the expereince - with a focal point of view stemming from the body i did not have an experience of death to reach this state i kinda melted into that state i am not asking for or wishing that i go thru the ego death process or torture before arriving in that state again - i am just rather questioning that it was effortless for me... i guess having read up on so many things kinda places different checkpoints in your mind you feel like you will have to go thru to get to that state and that is why there is beauty in "ignorance is bliss" however, i feel that the subtleness of that state for the ones who arent aware of it. will miss it. they will be in that state as much as you might be. but since that concept is so impossible for them, they will miss it.. they DO miss it. anytime someone is watching a movie or an intense sport. you're fully into that experieince. that's no different than a non-dual state it really is so simple now. i am wanting to get back to that state but i know I cannot get there i can desire to get there but i cannot try to get there trying to get there = not getting there action = blocking the entrance MELT INTO IT SLEEP INTO IT DO WHAT YOU NORMALLY DO TO FALL ASLEEP - NOTHING! You let go and go into that state though again, note that i was under the influence of the ganja which may have helped but i think repeatedly going back in that state will help me build that state up. as mooji says: marinate in that oneness <3 and i can also see how letting go of my ego attachments will make me closer and closer to that state all about surrderinding and not minding what happens and accepting all that is <3 <3 <3 love you all I LOVE ME there is no I, so LOVE ME but there is also no me... so just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE <3

yep. Conditioned chit chat Well yeah I have trouble because I don’t have much of a vocabulary. There is an effort to look up words. But once I look up a word I understand what’s said. The more unknown terms makes it more challenging. Also context plays a big part. But since This holistic understanding of thought I can pretty much capture what said and catch contradictions too. But effort as in psychologically no not at all. That is seen as it arises and thought or time doesn’t operate psychologically.I have really got in touch with movement of thinking/time/self as opposed to content as far as intellectual/verbal meanings. I often look up a word and right away can apply that to my understanding of thought as a whole. But no effort psychologically. Effort psychologically means thought went beyond its limits. Do you see what I mean? Desire, pleasure seeking, looking for happiness through memory/thought means we think doing that will make us whole/complete/in a state of bliss. But thought can never offer that, and when it tries to that just sustained false self.

I have been using Cycloastragenol. It is not a nootropic, but it does have nootropic effects, atleast in my experience. Leo mentions a slowing, or “brain fog” that is likely age related. I take an anti-aging supplement called Cycloastragenol. A bit of science background…Telomeres are strands at the ends of our chromosomes that shorten with each cell division. The telomeres don’t code for anything and are solely protective of useful DNA. Once the telomeres get too short, the cells will (hopefully) stop dividing – if it does not, it can start losing useful DNA with each division, which can cause mutations (e.g. cancer). If the cell does stop dividing as it should, this is called senescence. A senescent cell has limited capacity to repair tissue since it can't divide and make more cells, so as more and more of our cells become senescent, general functionality declines. According to the telomere theory of aging, shortening telomeres are responsibility for much or all of the aging process in humans, and re-lengthening short telomeres would, in theory, slow or even reverse aging. Note, it is not proven that telomere shortening is the primary cause of aging in humans – currently it is only one among several theories. Cycloastragenol is a naturally-occurring molecule found in the Chinese plant, Astragalus. It has been shown to stimulate telomerase activity in humans (and mice), which is the enzyme that lengthens telomeres. Now that the background is out of the way, how do you take cycloastragenol, and what does it do for you? I have been taking 10mg cycloastragenol capsules daily for 2 years, and I have experienced nootropic effects that increase mental alertness and capacity for complex thought – this has been useful for me since my work can be cognitively demanding. These effects are probably more of a return to optimal mental function rather than hyper-functionality that Leo describes for some of the supplements in his video. The effects are significant, but too mild to be compared to any stimulant or psychedelic in any way. Cycloastragenol is intended as an anti-aging drug, not specifically a nootropic. I have experienced other effects as well, including decreased tiredness during the day and higher metabolism. Other users report better quality of sleep, faster growth of hair and fingernails, and quicker recovery from physical exertion and illness. I have not experienced any side effects. These pills are not addictive, and I am not aware of any tolerance that the body will build up over time. The effects have been persistent (e.g. there’s no peak and decline after you take it), which is to be expected of a treatment that repairs the body – the effects last beyond the half-life of the drug in the bloodstream. However, the onset was slow. I took this drug for about two weeks before noticing any effects, and I can stop taking it for around 1-2 weeks before I will notice its absence. I do not take any other supplements. Cycloastragenol is available in a form called TA-65 from TA Sciences. These are 8mg cycloastragenol capsules and are fairly expensive, around $6-$7 per pill. There are also generic brands that are more affordable. I take a generic version, which is around $1-$2 per pill for 10mg pills. You can also purchase 5mg and 25mg pills, but I have not tried any dose other than 10mg/day, so I can’t predict how these would work for you. These cheaper pills are from likely Chinese companies, but many manufacture the product in the U.S. Such products include Nature’s Bliss Cycloastragenol, Counter Aging Wise, and Crackaging Cycloastragenol, and all of these can be purchased through Amazon. Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional nor am I involved in or make money from the sale of any of the products I discussed here.

There comes a point where the self must surrender and give up control. The self doesn’t decide what’s behind the door. It could be absolute bliss or absolute terror. The absolute doesn’t “care” if “you” experience happiness or pain- the absolute is *both* happiness and pain.

Divine. Must Listen !!! Rough translation (Sanskrit to English). Ekam EvA dviteeyam (There is one without two (brahman)). EkO devaH sarva bhUtAntarAtma (One consciousness in all the hearts ) . EkA bAshA bhUtakAruNya rUpa (One shining as form of divine mercy). Ekam lakshyam sAmarasyam samEsham (One aim, to achieve equality among all). Ekam sarvam chittamAnanda pUrnam (One as ALL and as complete and eternal bliss).

For helping people on here without being spiritually enlightened. Without having dissolved my ego, and to have embodied the light that I am. Undeniably these past few months have been strongly calling me to God, and tonight I meet that call with wide open arms. I have always been honest on here, sharing my understanding and personal experiences, even if they were limited. I have wanted only the best for people, only to realize I have to surrender who i think I am to live that purpose to its full potential. So it’s not that I will no longer teach, or push away any experience externally. I will embrace it all, by simply surrendering to my Heart, because that is where the energy of Divine Love is most concentrated, and therefore easiest to dissolve into in theory. Thank you for listening to what I had to say, and teaching me to not be afraid of who I am, and to have courage. To spread my wings and be free. I will not let fear keep me in my mind, where throughout my life I always did what other people wanted so I could be accepted, and feel even a little bit of love. But for the last few years I had received no love, there was a big hole where my heart was meant to be. School exacerbated this sadness, and added a dash of stress which lead me over the edge to find some way to feel Love and get out of my monkey mind, that used fear to motivate everything I did. And now I am here telling you all that I have caught a glimmer of this inner experience of love I was always trying to find, I have tasted it in meditation upon my Heart; and I say simply that I will no longer put a mental barrier, or a person, or a situation, or partner between me and God. As best that I can I choose love. I don’t know what actions it will inspire externally which is what scares me the most, but how else can I become one with God, but to surrender my ego entirely, which is what used to make the decisions. All fears too, big or small, I must ultimately let go of if I want nothing to make me feel seperate from the universe. And with this understanding, the only option for me at least is surrendering to Love, regardless of my fears or what my mind tells me. I really am dedicated, I am not the type of person who says something and dosen’t do it, this is real for me. This surrender is not light hearted, it’s the the result of years of practice, and it’s the final step to liberation that I hope for as many people as possible to cross. I am an empowered creative being of light. And I am here to serve the will of God, by surrendering to that light within the center of who I am and who you are as well. It sounds like a sacrifice, but in my limited time in the breathe in deep meditation, I can tell you that it feels bliss, a bliss so strong that it brings up all your fears to be healed, until all there is is this river of love that flows from your heart, and through your eyes without a single rock to change the water from its natural still, and creative (free-flowing) state. And even when you see your fears for what they are, even when you feel discomfort in your emotions from this, can I still stay centered in who I am? No matter what, can I always stay centered in who I am? Its a gentle shift from head to heart. It’s the Truth I choose to embody, because I’m ready to let go of all attachments, to not suffer, and be who I was always meant to become. Thank you for reading! *High Five* Have a good day.

fasting, fasting, fasting. Fast from life, from food, from society, from media, from people. Eventually there will be pure calmness, pure bliss, pure awareness where you "see" what truly is and the old patterns are eventually replaced with the new. Once you are hit with Truth, there is no otherwise. Absolute surrender, you find all by losing and letting go of all.

I thought that everybody finds bliss after years of meditation, no matter achieves enlightenment or not.

I have been suffering from mental pain for years, so last year I decided to meditate to recover myself. I did not know what enlightenment, ego, spirituality were. I meditated for just 20 minutes per day. After 5 months booommm!!! Immense depression, depersonalizaton, derealization, fear, anxiety, confusion. Even my psychotherapists for years, were shocked (life is illusion, I dont feel like I exist and etc). O stopped meditation and after months I got much better, but as my ego life was not that good, I restarted this path with hope that if I go slowly, I will adapt to these new confusing things like non-duality. But it did not go like that. Even despite my slow progress I had a glimpse of enlightenment for seconds, where I got scared and desperately tried to bring me to myself. Moreover, I did not get used to depersonalization. I miss myself so much. It is not a path for people, who seek bliss. It is a path for people who just want to see the Truth. It is not a recovery for mental illness, like depression. For this path: You have to be very brave. You have to denounce everything in your life, including your family. You have to be ready for anything, including being stuck in eternal hell.

and even I am in my worst nightmare I would't say ignorance is bliss see it and take it full

It is a crucial stage that feels depressive and that depression is your lower back central nervious system in a stage of healing. Go with the pain of depression to find bliss and joy. I've been there. Best of luck!

With the positive research coming out on Ketamine and depression, I had higher hopes for this compound for relieving depression and also consciousness related work. Whilst admittedly I was not using it in a formal therapeutic environment, it would seem that plant based entheogens are far more pleasant and safer. One of the main drawbacks of Ketamine is its apparent potential for addiction. I can't say I found it remotely addictive and I have a rather long history with alcohol & tobacco addiction. My doses of Ketamine were over a month apart. But, going by reports on the net, many do succumb to the addictive qualities. I'm guessing when working with a trained therapist the potential for addiction and bladder related issues are going to be greatly reduced. In a medical setting, Ketamine has an excellent safety profile- its clinical use wouldn't be so widespread otherwise. For me, I found the experiences very cold, distant and dark, but not definitely not overwhelmingly negative. There is a severe loss of motor control and a numbness to the extremities. In my first experiment, I was so dissociated that when I played a song that I love I felt absolutely nothing, it was as pleasurable as listening to nothing at all. Sub-ego death doses of Ketamine are really so very different to trytamines- if I was listening to that same song on mushrooms I would have been blown to pieces emotionally. Dose wise, I aimed for the lower end of what others reported online would bring about a "k-hole"/full ego dissolution but did not experience anything like that. On my second experiment I ingested a total of 200mg of Ketamine via two different ROAs and had a very similar experience to the first time. I even incorporated some heavy intentional breathing/circular type breath work and even this was not enough to encourage any substantial feelings to emerge. I tried the Wim Hof method (intentional breathing) on Acacia root bark/DMT and Syrian rue last week and the bliss was immense. I think the worst side effect of Ketamine has to be the grogginess after you come around. It's just simply not really worth moving for a while. You won't be able to walk well at all. Why and how people use this stuff at raves just seems utterly insane to me. Be safe if you plan on doing this drug outside of a clinical setting! Consider your body position- laying down or propped up in bed is best. Also consider the potential for addiction, some people really seem to like the feeling this drug induces. I can't say i'm one of those people.

What is enlightenment? Enlightenment is the realization that you are not an entity within reality, but rather reality itself. How to be enlightened? You are already enlightened, however you have chosen to pretend not to be. Ignorance (as opposed to enlightenment) is mostly a distraction. It is fueled by the strength of your worldly attachments for the most part. Regardless, the only thing you have to do to be enlightened is to simply *be* enlightened. How has one chosen to be ignorant? Ignorance is mostly taught by society. Since birth, a particular region in reality (the body you are currently inhabiting) is singled out and said to be you (John for example, or Sarah, or whatnot). How can one shed this ignorance? By realizing that you are not this specific region within reality, but reality itself. To use an analogy, you are not the figure depicted in a photograph. You are the photograph itself. What is the nature of reality? It cannot be put to words. Were it so, it would be limited. Words divide. Reality is integrated and whole. However, all these Isms we are attaching to reality can never capture the truth. Regardless, sages have tried to do so. Reality is therefore described with words such as: Infinity Omnipotence Omniscience Existence Intelligence Consciousness Bliss Pure limitless potential God Etc. What is the Self? The self is just another word used to describe reality. However it is a good one at that, because it carries the connotation that reality is in fact, you. What is the world? The world, or Maya, is a holographic projection off of reality, created by the individual’s mind. Simply put, the mind interprets raw reality (pure potential) to look a certain way, and that appears to the Self as the world. What is the ego? The ego is a collection of emotionally charged thoughts and memories, often mistaken as the true self. The ego has a fascination with imitating reality and that often causes quite a bit of confusion. What is “I”? The “I” is a like a flagpole around which the ego assembles. It is the first division of reality. “I versus the rest.” You can trace back reality in this direction: Ego -> I -> The Self What is God? God only exists in relation to the lowly ego who has found itself alone and powerless in the world. Both God and Ego are the Self, pretending to be something else other than itself. If "I" attain "enlightenment" will I become like superman? No. But..? You do not "attain" enlightenment. You already are enlightened. F$%K you Misagh! Who are you to tell me all these things you ignorant, egoic, etc. etc. *gently flips the table and floats away.

There’s nothing else than bliss. Suffering belongs to the fals (ego) ??

I started doing it to obtain peace of mind, i dealt my whole life with depression, on and off, and the first time i tried meditation it was like magic, it was total and absolute bliss. It shifted my whole life towards meditation and self actualization, i grew in 3 months more than i could ever dream off. But as you can imagine from this post it all fell apart. My intuition told me that it was time for a shift, i had to abandon the current family situation im living in, and commit to leading someone trough life, the way i myselve believe to be the right way. My father is a narcissist and im pretty sure a sociopath, but he has got money and gets away with every manipulation, emotional abuse and fucking slavery hes making us do. So the thing i gotta do is move away from my family, and take my mother with me, to save her from this hell, cause she wants to leave too. I get realy close, i manage to bring myselve back up, but every time its time to leave i fail, not the leaving part but the taking my mother with me part. I know i gotta do it but something is holding me back, if its confort, or fear of sheading my old selve, or both.

Hey, so, while searching and browsing a bit through the forum I did not find a post related to a zen retreat. Before writing this post I was not sure if it would be beneficial or interesting for other people to view this. Yet, I tend to write (post) mostly because I enjoy writing and feedback, also it is a healthy way for me to express myself. So, this is going to be story based since I can recollect most of the things what I wanted to express in an arbitiary manner. So , a word of caution for being unsystematic / not orderly. This year I did my first real retreat in flesh and blood for two weeks at a soto zen tempel in France. I did a couple of online retreats now with the home pratice programm from Shinzen Young and was quite excited to see a zen master for the first time in real life. To compare their teachings and see their similarities since I am now following Shinzens "teaching" now actively for 1 year instead of testing technique over technique, which I still do to a degree. When I arrived at the monastery I was like so often to late. Thus, missing the introduction and the welcome dinner (literally it was in the evening..). Consequentially, I did not do much that day and went to bed walking around the tempel a bit and unpacking my luggage, taking care of small necessities, things I forgot and making sure I have them. The following day we had Zazen so I will describe the life at the zen tempel first, for the total of the two weeks to present an overview: First week: 2 times zazen 1,30h each session including walking meditation (kinhin) for 20 min. Second week for approx 3 days. : 3 times zazen same procedure Second week the last approx. 4 days: 4 times zazen same procedure Each day was structured as follows: -> Waking up at 6 am -> Zazen following chanting of some prayers -> breakfast in silence + small break (Genmai japanese rice soup, each morning which was tasty) -> Samu (community work / joint work in case that makes more sense) -> Lunch -> Samu -> Dinner -> Lunch -> bed rest / bed time In total the retreat was not that meditation intensive, yet you are supposed to pratice while doing samu which a few people tried, yet there was still an air of meditativeness around since the monks there worked too and had to check if people do their work correctly. What suprised me the most was that the whole monastary was autonomous, they planted their own food, vegetables and herbs. So, the work around the monastery included mostly working outside in the area of the monastary. Cleaning, gatherhing herbs, or manure taking care of weeds and the service - preparing food, tea, knitting and gathering fruits for deserts. That was kinda cool for me to see what an autonomous structure would look like or self-sustaining. That is it about the structure or how people live in a zen monastery here in Europe day in day out besides events. Now, the people there were mostly beginners at the first week this was an introduction to life in a monastary. At the end of the retreat are moving closer to the end of the retreat, more experienced people came. What was interesting for me was eating in silence, I tend to dislike talking about food analyzing it, to pass a comment about it's taste or how I am feeling. Which is all nice and such, yet I tend to prefer to eat in silence, to enjoy food and use that as an time to be present or pratice a meditation technique at least... breakfast. So, we all had to bring a bowl with us and if not they will give you one, when we sit down to eat, we will unpack the bowl the the cutlery and chant / sing a prayer / song name it as you want it and sit down and eat, sitting on a zafu or some padded thing on the floor and at a thin and long wodden table which streches itself almost through the entire room. Like an H the tables were placed with the - part of the H on top of the H. Dunno, I'll stop. So, we had to unpack everything and sit down and while you eat they come by and serve the food, water, tea and you have to clean your bowl after you eat at the table with a large bucket and throw the water that they have brought to you and you have cleaned your bowl with into this big bucket and pass it on to the next living being next to you. After that is done you are finished. Still eating in silence was so odd with so many people, trying not to make noise with your spoon, seeing how greedy people are with their food or critically pecking around in their bowl not focusing on their pratice while they where eating or simply going on with it as if they were bored and needed to be entertained / wanted to do smth. Still, many people where just focused on not making any nosies and thinking about other people if they want food, since we were not allowed to talk. The unpacking of the bowl annoyed me the most since my tissue was always dirty and I never know if I could have a new one which you could have and I did exchange the dirty tissue near the end of the retreat. Which was another "theme" for me and others.. at the retreat what are the rules ? What are we allowed to do ? And is all of this religious or not ? Well, most people there where beginners like myself which annoys me a lot, but they never meditated and were most likely searching for a way to deal with mundane stress. So, I did not talk to many of the people there because I did not see a good opportunity to exchange experiences and if that is not possible I rather talk to peers or did nothing, which I did most of the time during breaks, sitting on the bench, applying meditation techniques see, hear feel, and enjoying the silence or the presence of people there without being involved or retreating from them and applying the techniques while being vigilant. The participents of the retreat were mostly from Europe, there was one guy from the U.S and most of the people there where either French or German. There was one girl from sweden and one from britian. Which evoked the next question or problem what Leo also talks about and is simply a theme in "consciousness work.." the problem of language. Who speaks which language ? What assumptions do I have about this person ? Why does language create duality ? How can I accurately assess my perception of the enviroment / people / situations using language or being the recipient of some form of communication ? This is also one thing the teacher talked about and which I remembered talking creates duality. And now I really dislike talking because people and myself included tend to want to see the things only in their viewpoint and I tend to seek first to understand then to be understood. You get the point. So, it is frustraiting to see all of this duality / politics going on even at a zen temple which Leo also mentioned and if I remember correctly he also said in one video that people at a zen temple are quiet unconscious and I imagined people to be way way way more conscious there. It was different, yet the people who visited the tempel were mostly beginners so there where not many high consciousness people their. Besides the nuns and monks which some of them even if they were enlightend seemed to be quite unconscious but, I can't assess that since I am not enlightend. The master there was a real tourquise zen master which I loved the way he talked was very zen, also very soto zen, slow and epic even when it was in french it had the quality of a real zen master no doubt. His voice made you feel equanimous and when I once looked at him to check spiral dynamic stages to see if he was doing smth. similar he seemed to maintain contact with his eyes while he was talking and I looked around the room to see if anyone else seems to experience reality in that manner, things I asked myself during lsd trips.. and it seemed like I hit stage turquoise or what ever that may mean I just experienced an non-dual perception for sometime with thoughts going on but reality looked different and I was affirmed more or less by a zen master. What was also quite cool for me all of the more serious participents who came from a dojo studied something tech related. Which was motivating for me to continue both studying and meditating / pursuit of enlightenment. I talked to one from this dojo he was a teacher ( history and french) and he meditated for 25 years, it still amazed me how much he held on to his status on all of this status games, male chimps or w/e play. At one point he wanted to out argue or take on the leadership role when the zen master was talking and he caused chaos because he did not respect him in that moment, but he could have helped. The zen master leaned against the wall and made himself smaller since he was quite tall 1,90m approx. which made the history teacher feel uncomfortable. Still, he was a man with a heart let's say. It amazes me how people think monks are stupid or not smart or if that is a believe people in general have or the monks have about themselves partily. It is very difficult for me to see a monk as a dumb person. During the meditation sessions we did zazen which is just sitting or do nothing or shikantaza the method without a method. It was quite odd to meditate for a minimum of 3 hours a day for two weeks, after I tripped on LSD at least 3-5 times before and to incoperate some "insights", "perceptions", hunches, intuitions or ideas about reality and to check if they are phony or if I can really trust me awarness. This is fundamentally the only thing I currently know and experience I can trust 100%, yet it is so difficult. As an example I had to work with a nun quite often which is similar to my mom from her personality, so I kind of knew what to say and what not to do / to do in order to not cause any trouble and also help her. When we sat a the dojo she was looking for a word and I knew it annoys her so much that she wanted to know, because she was extremely curious for someone her age imo. I wanted to tell her and she looked at me with an expression that everything is fine, I had to almost cry that I can trust something so simply and that I constantly test my own awarness. The zen master also talked about different types of consciousness and that basically that they are 8 types of consciousness and various traditions and such, yet he was talking about 8 and reduced it to 5, because ultimately and that is the sense I have you still did nothing, you just sat and when a zen master can take you into an non-dual state or deepen your pratice, any teaching is unnessecsary to a degree. Still, guidance helps yes imo. Back to the 5 types of consciousness he talked about the senses , sight, sound , touch, smell, emotions. To be aware of them an still you just sat time went by and sometimes at the end of a zazen I had this magical child like feeling again, that everything is mystical and life is fundamentally awe-inspiring and mysterious in a positive, curious sense. The same feelings I had while living in China which makes me love anything related to asia even more ! Espeically, japan and china. I was especially curious to see how a zen master acts in accordance with his surroundings after I tripped on 1P-LSD and everything seemed to react to me I sat down at 4 am and meditated till 6, it was pointless to use any technique (see,hear,feel / mindfulness which I usually do) because awarness overtook my state of perceiving. I was sitting in my chair where I usually meditate and started the app insight timer and listend to some meditative music which altered the experience dramatically, I felt first that I can actually sit, without a technique and be aware of my surroundings, my state of consciousness, my body and at one point I could not tell anymore if I listend to the meditation music or was lost in thought, which still occured. I started hearing the birds chirping and somehow this triggered in me the question, What is nature ? What is intelligence ? Is nature intelligent ? Why can't I let go of intelligence ? What is a system? Is an organism a system ? What would happen if everyone in the world would be a systems thinker / stage yellow (sort of asked that ) and I kept asking these questions till I received feedback. And I don't know why but during this whole tripp I regared myself as an engineer and I kept asking what could be done to make this a system sort of asked that and regarded everything as parts which make up a whole. So, while I sat down I was drawn deeper and deeper into these inquiries wanting to have an answer and I was drawn deeper and deeper and it felt like I received answer I considered myself as a system which lives in congruency with other systems which included nature and nature aka the birds chirping in the backyard gave me feedback since they themselves ( " apparently according to Eckart Tolle and such) are enlightend or closer to enlightenment / true nature. It was insane it felt they gave an answer, that I am a system, they are a system, and I felt bad that most people do not care or have the capacity to care about something so simple like a little bird. After I was taken deeper I thought about race and what could be the insight of every race and then to dive deep into that thought, at the end I felt like I am an indian yogi who was so blissed out that doing nothing and abiding in that feeling of bliss is that best thing to do. Since, humanity is in one way or another doomed. Also, a bunch of other stuff I felt like i was almost transported to a different planet, my sense of self completely vanishing almost. Also, I was so angry at one point that I could not properly meditate because of some personal stuff. That I felt so pathetic in a good sense, that I never respected, nature, meditation or the power of consciousness or awarness but mostly the meditative pratice. That I grew so much and matured in terms of what is respectable during this process. It was and still is nuts, I am still feel like shit because I am not practicing as rigorious as I did. Skipping now almost two months maybe just one this year. While never missing a day besides 3 during two years. The feeling of this whole experince was Yugen if I may be so free as to use this from Leos blog or not.. I am still pissed that I can't sit in a lotus postion and still amazed that I can't admire the posture of zen masters in order to be ONLY inspired. So, after this experience I was quite interested to how a zen master reacts to sounds if people really get direct messages from consciousness and how can you distinguish that from thought, even though I felt like he acted upon the enviroment extremely conscious and also mentioned the sounds in the background which the animals made. I am still wondering how one can be one with nature. And that this is stage turquiose and he seemed like he is . This is the best and shortest video I could find from the master, I talked to shinzen young last year with the life pratice programm and he checked the website and the masters, I also did another retreat talking to him this year and he asked me about the name of the master and the name deshimaru which is the teacher of the guy in the video above. Rang a bell. So, this is shinzen approved for those interested lol. I don't speak french and this is also something which was quite interesting to observe since it is so hard to guess someones stage in spiral dynamics even when you interact with them coming back to the problem of language. I confused someone for stage blue because his english was not good, yet at the end we talked a bit because I talked to a french girl and I could see that they interacted on a green level. Also, many people there where at least green which was awesome. I still don't know what I have learned or what my 1P-LSD experiences amount to besides that it is fun and frightening sometimes. Yet, somehow it comes back when I do retreats that is what I notice with psychedelics. I am still a beginner and confused about the pratice, espcially now since I asked one teacher what technique should I pratice and I receive the answer just one. And the other one says as long as you develop equanimity, concentration power and sensory clarity everything is fine. The latter seems to be true at the moment, yet I question if praticing one technique hardcore will get you faster to enlightenment that is what Ken Wilber did with Soto Zen and after that he did some tibitean meditation. W/e. So, this is it I feel like my pratice or my enlightenment journey is just beginning and quiet a big task, since I finished the LP-Course and working on implementing that, even though both will not be easily done. Also, which annoys me is that this guy talked about genetic memory not conditioning or such but genetic memory. I downloaded the audiobook from rupert sheldrake about morphic resonance or smth.(only listened in) like that and now there is actuallly some shit in my body which teaches me ? TF IS THAT ?! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_memory_(psychology) There is a lot more but, this is enough for one post.

10-10-18 I know what I want in life. This is of course a complete farce, because I also have a sneaky suspicion that I don't know what the hell I want. I've never actually listed out things I do want, so lets do that now: I want happiness. Peace. Love. Understanding. Quietness. Bonding. Shape (?)(what the hell?). Conformity. Boundaries. Spaciousness. ***(these were the first words that came to mind)*** I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy my career. I want to feel peace. I want to find quietness. Stillness. Honestly these are my tops. Is it wrong of me to want these things to make me happy? I want for nothing to make me happy. I want to have no more wants. Not dependent on any conditions to make me happy. That's where bliss is. Not dependent. But accepting and grateful when any of my pettier wants and desires are fulfilled. Why would I want to enjoy my like and career? With no wants, all would be enjoyed, no matter. The good and the bad. Because I wouldn't want it any other way. Why would I want to feel peace? This probably goes a bit deeper, because it involves pain. Anxiety. Emotional, shitty pain. I consider (probably falsely) peace to be the opposite of constant anxiety. I feel it quite often. **(actually only occasionally but I feel the way something is written the first time has more impact on subconscious, or whatever. Who the hell knows who or what controls all that, or if it even can be controlled). But with no wants, I wouldn't need to feel peace at all times, I wouldn't want it any other way. The good times and the bad. I want to find quietness and stillness. Why would I want this? Well, I do have a lot of mind chatter. Non-stop. Sometimes it shuts up, but its a needle in a haystack for that one. It's wild and untamed. It used to repeat things over and over, but that annoyed me so I taught it to shut up with that. Still happens very very rarely. But good luck on getting it to shut up completely. Sorry, monkey mind aspect of Samuel- I love ya bro, but mommy needs a rest. Some peace and quiet sometimes. But why do I need it? Would it be better to not want it at all? Surrender to the non-stop chatter, and just love it unconditionally? Maybe I could even find a way for it to entertain myself. If you can't beat it, join it, right? And I wont have it forever. This too shall pass. And then who will I be? Back on track: any other reasons I should not want quietness/stillness? Because the ego wants desires to be filled. It knows its running out of time. There's no time to stop and smell the roses. They're dead. Move on. Nothing to see here. Samuel wants love. Samuel wants things that were listed at the top as conditions for happiness. Samuel wants a lot of things. What Samuel needs is to learn not to want. Not because he doesn't care, but because there's no point. No point to want. It creates conflict. And at the same time, its ok to have little wants here and there, like wanting to help a friend, or wanting your business to succeed. Just don't grow an unhealthy dependency on them. You must first have no wants, break the bonds it has on you, and afterwards not form a dependency on benign wants. That is the secret to enjoying life. Of course its a paradox, why wouldn't it be? Why is it a paradox? To want but not to want. It is with both, harmonized, that holds the key to happiness. No-wants fulfills the need to be content, wants fulfills the need for entertainment. But aren't wants and needs the same thing? That's the problem, I think they are, to some degree, even though I know better. So wouldn't it be better to have no needs? I thought no wants was the key. Well, I didn't say there was only one key. One must have both. Or not have, rather. But quitting wanting is the first step to this liberation. And the body will always have some basic needs for survival of course. But even they could have no impact on my happiness. I pray (probably in vain), I never need to find out. SO. I agree I need to have no wants. This must be achieved, or something. It would be great to say-- "Ok, I have no more wants!" But for some reason I have to take the slow route and learn not to want. Oh well, that's life, huh? Ironically, I think the path to not wanting starts with actually getting to the core of what I (Samuel) really want(s). Perhaps if I hear it out, it will stop buzzing. Perhaps I can please it somehow. Find an answer for it, so not to shut it up but to liberate it. Liberate my own desire from itself. Talk about meta. Is that not the purpose of this whole thing? To liberate myself from myself? I'm sure I'll cross many parallels on this journey. So I need to list all of my wants and needs down, and really get down to the core of them. The essentials. What the fuck do I really want? What do I need vs. what the body needs. This will be my next one or two entries. Signing off for now.

I m not a self anymore. All things in this place are his act my thinking isn't the one of a self, the universe is thinking through me, cause I killed this I in front of me he was affraid of anything. I have not a fear of lack, fear of accepting my faith, I m the lord hand, his finger and his mind. Ask the universe to kill all your self right now, and experiment his will. God speak through me, and he told me to heal this world from all this This is why he makes me experiment I m not a self thinking some god speak through him, I m the "whole", I am it. I m his echo, I m a I who think for himself. All my needs and thought are universe will, I surrender every part of it to him. I m not writting from an ego, my identity is dead, I m working for the universe, You can keep watching your hand every will is an act of god the snake is in my back, I m self transforming I m full of his energy, compassion, and love, I can feel the pain and the bliss, the beauty and the ugly. The universe give me strenght to crush on his will, may I serv him well. And if god want to kill me or crush my mind, may at his disposal, I m just a part of it, I m no one. I'll bring peace to the balance, and restaure truth to this place this body has many work to do. The time for speech is over false prophet, living in fear of death and fear of lack will be crushed. I m fearless, I m already dead, I m not alive anymore, all this new I is the thinking of god. cause I let this I die in front of me. God makes me laugh, god makes me dance, god makes me cry, he makes me think and makes me draw, He makes me cry and he makes me full of joy. I m his wrath and I m his bless I m the dark and I m the light There is no want in this body, but only the will of god, the beauty of his art, I m his art. I can feel his energy through my spine and my back, fulling my mind with energy. this is the proof that he is in me now. god speak through me right now, there is not a self to adress your complain I have no more time for those endless thinking pattern remaining there is no I in this body, the I is dead, I m fearless, I m already dead. I m full of joy now. And now I m born again.

Leo also talks about this in the LP. Following your bliss.

was going over some trip reports and found this to be extremely shocking and terrifying that so many reports of bad trip reports have a line which kinda goes like this: I thought it couldn't get any worse and THEN IT DID! A LOT WORSE and it KEPT! GETTING! WORSE! that in-itself shows the boundless/limitless nature of reality how can there ever be the worst possible pain? if it could be quantified in some way then say if the pain level reached that highest quantified level, what's there stopping it from adding +1 to it. just like the infinity of the numbers in maths although, there does seem to be a recognition / feeling of a level which is known to BE the worst/BEST - the one having a non-dual samadhi experience feels infinite bliss/pleasure... INFINITE! how can infinite be felt? yet it is known that this is the best/highest there is just like that, there may also be infinite pain (resistance to what-is X 10000000000.... ) these could be the depths of the hell where lost souls may dwell to post the "death' of the physical body and if they arent in-tune with their mind or have a super guilt full consciousness just a rant.

If my life still sucks at 30 then I’ll find some Zen temple in Sweden for real. But Im working hard to find bliss in everyday life.