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1. Believe that you have control over your emotions. If you can't even believe this yet, believe that it is at least possible for you to learn how to choose your own emotional states. This is actually the necessary first step to emotional self-mastery, to accept that it is something you have control over. Most people go through life being emotionally reactive, they just instinctively respond to stimuli in their environment, thinking there is an external world that supersedes their internal world. This is the biggest limiting belief there is, you underestimate how you can shape your perception of reality and develop psychological capabilities far beyond the levels of consciousness previously known to you. 2. Disengage emotion from perception. Realize that emotions are entirely subjective, and existentially meaningless. You were predisposed by biology, and programmed by society to feel happy when you accomplish things, win competitions, and receive approval, praise, sexual validation and a sense of belonging others. Consequentially you would naturally feel unpleasant emotions when you desire such things and do not get to experience them. Humans evolved this way so that you would be guided by your urges to survive, compete and procreate, really no different from any other species of animal. By realizing that's the whole point of having emotional reactions, that they are just shallow, rudimentary, primitive instincts designed to enslave you to the game of life, you can relinquish any sense of attachment you may have had to your emotional states. This is the hardest part of the transformation, because people think of their emotions as deep, meaningful, and real, denying the validity of your emotions seems like destroying your sense of self altogether, and perhaps this is the very means by which you stop being a victim of emotional reactiveness, and start being the author of your own emotional states. Since emotions are not grounded in any objective, external reality, they all come from within the psyche, why wouldn't you be able to just choose your own emotional states- if you want to be happy, then be happy for the sake of being happy. What is the point of clinging to the reactive model of emotionality- you don't need it at all. It's just an embodiment of the victim mentality which is keeping you depressed. Time to discard that old paradigm. 3. Differentiate between emotions, sensations and meanings. Be conscious of the pure sensations you experience in your body at any moment, without attaching any thoughts or emotions to them. Think about an emotion you have felt- any emotion. Now what is the emotion made up of? Sensations and thoughts. Sensations are visceral things you experience in your body, and thoughts are the language you use to describe it, the meanings you attach to the sensations. For example, just notice how your body felt when you had been sad, or angry, or scared. How was your breathing, muscle tension, posture, heart rate, etc. And what thoughts did you associate with these sensations, what stories did you tell yourself? Now you are beginning to see the big picture. By dissecting emotions into their components, you can manipulate those components as to eliminate unpleasant emotions, and create desired emotional states. Body and mind are not separate entities, but one integrated organism in a continuous feedback loop. You can be more conscious of what you do with your body, and of what narratives you tell yourself. By doing both of these you can actually affect the root sensations as well, and control the entire process of feeling emotions. 4. Hack into the emotional feedback loop. The most straightforward demonstration of this would be the relationship between facial expressions and emotions. Normally, facial expressions are simply external reflections of an animal's emotions, and their evolutionary purpose is to broadcast those emotions to communicate with other animals. But this is a feedback loop, and it works just as well the opposite way around. It's devilishly simple how you can just manipulate your own emotions by changing your facial expressions, you can make super wide smile, a deeply smug, evil grin, smile so hard your cheeks get sore, and keep smiling like that for 5 minutes. You will soon be overcome with very pleasant sensations, and start to actually feel ecstatic, blissful and overjoyed. Hacking into your emotional feedback loop, getting something from nothing, is really this simple. You can also listen to upbeat, fast paced music while clapping your hands to help get into state when doing this smile meditation. This is totally not normal, I'd even call it an abnormal psychology technique, but it absolutely works. Normal people are miserable, neurotic, emotionally reactive messes with very little self-awareness, drifting through life haphazardly, reacting to stimuli, deriving a sense of self worth from other people. Disregard all that nonsense, and create your own reality. And there are endless more techniques like this that allow you to just change what you do with your physical body in order to bring about desirable emotional states. Some are fairly simple like smiling, deep breathing, posture and body language control, music/sounds and aromatherapy. There are also next level techniques you can use to release emotional baggage, like through intense sound vibration (think chanting AUM so deeply you become the mantra) and deep tissue release, massaging whatever parts of your musculature you can reach, applying as much pressure as you can without injuring yourself, also kneading your back and upper legs on a lacrosse ball. I reiterate again, there is no separation between mind and body, treat it as one feedback loop. Emotional tension is physical tension and vice versa. You won't become happy just talking about your "feelings," nor by numbing them with drugs. You become happy by dissolving any sense of duality between your mind and body, the internal and external reality. It will seem very simple once you get it, because happiness is naturally the default state of being, since once you realize nothing actually matters, you can stop projecting meaning onto everything, no longer feel you need to do anything in life, and just experience the bliss of "beingness." 5. Step 5: Commandeer the emotional feedback loop as your source of self-sustaining internal happiness, permanently detaching your mood from any outside input. It can get to the point where your subjective emotional states become their own enclosed ecosystem, and absolutely nothing external to you can penetrate this bubble. This takes practice, and when you find yourself removed from your comfort zones, you are forced to get creative, and can reach profound levels of personal development much quicker than when just thinking about this as a concept. Facing situations that would have used to make you sad, scared or angry can force your emotional resolve to really kick into overdrive, and this builds a resilient foundation for achieving emotional mastery. The process I am trying to describe here is super-normal, the establishment might label as psychosis, a breaking from reality, emotional derangement. This is also necessarily a rejection of affective empathy, refusing to react emotionally to others by not opening yourself to instinctively feel what they are feeling. On the other hand it is the core of self-mastery, fully internalizing that you are the creator of your own reality, the fundamental kernel of true personal freedom. Though one potential thing to watch out for is that when you are happy, negative motivation will no longer work, so once this happens, all of your actions will have to be driven by love, not fear.

Lazyness is a quality of the absolute. If you can be lazy without inner resistance you are in bliss!

I am so surprised people say, Enlightenment is bliss. It is actually horror. Yesterday at night in my bed I had glimpse of it. I try to be in the now and in a relaxed state. It produces anxiety, nausea and sometimes even involuntary convulsions of my body. Yesterday at night I relaxed in my bed and settled in the now. My body convulsed several times and I dry heaved. Then after some minutes I saw that I am a screen, not a person. It shattered my vision about life. Everything lost its value. It was terrible. I held my life with my two hands tightly, so it did not disappear completely. I was very scared and depressed. I wanted to think about future to make myself motivated, but I could not. There was only now. I saw that future does not exist. I could not sleep, but finally I fell asleep. Now I am back to normal. I dont know if I should stop meditation or not. I am definitely not ready for the Truth.

I believe in love and simplicity and humility. Those are the most important things to have in oneself. When any community is based on the principles of love, goodness, humility and simplicity then they are genuinely beautiful and they can bring a lot of progress. They will bring real change. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. When you experience true love, you have experienced true bliss. You have experienced enlightenment. Love is greater than any kind of satisfaction or experience in life. It is the greatest emotional experience. Love is higher than enlightenment. You can always get spiritual fulfillment with God but that is also a kind of love. Love can move mountains. Whether it's from a lover, a sibling, a pet or a child. It's all love. Without love, everything is hollow. Death is very beautiful. Death is the cessation of life. Death is also the cessation of suffering. Empathy lies in wanting to end suffering. Death is a beautiful journey to the afterlife. Even Egyptians worshipped death. They respected death. Anyone who wants someone to suffer is very evil, destructive, bad, sadistic, harmful, lacking in love and simplicity and very psychopathic. There is no behavior more psychopathic than wanting someone to suffer all life. To let go is important. Even if you don't forgive its fine, but let go. You cannot rule someone's life no matter what. If that person is a criminal even then the most that you should want is that person to be dead to bring you peace. If that person wants the death sentence, he or she is being reasonable. Your thinking that they are getting an easy death and they are not suffering or they are getting off lightly is very sadistic. What more do you want once the person is dead. Justice is served. Once a person is dead, justice has no meaning. It's over. You not wanting it to be over and you wanting that person to be in a perpetual state of suffering makes you worse than the criminal. So learn to let go no matter what. The most that you can want is death. Suffering is bad, evil, dysfunctional, dirty, gross, miserable and very very bad. Wanting someone to suffer is the highest form of crime. Of course you should want them to be locked up and isolated and remorseful but wanting them to suffer distress is sadistic. You should only want them dead and gone or remorseful. When you live in simplicity, love, humility you live in grace and you create beauty. A beauty that can never be destroyed. Live in love,goodness, simplicity, humility, grace, acceptance and let go. Let go of all the hurt, the pain, the negativity, the frustration. You be free from suffering and let others be free from suffering. You should always live in the peace circle. Humility Hope Peace Love Grace Wisdom Simplicity and innocence Acceptance Goodness Genuiness Beauty Spiritual fulfillment. Always live in this circle. [even if I am not, I can live in beauty and create beauty]. An ancient native American phrase. Walk in beauty. Navajo prayer. Chapter 4 Capital HD and 73

I want to express the whole world, out comes no thing. no words are able to contain the immensity of it all. I'm speechless. it's so, so beautiful. all of it. all the suffering too. I'm crying. there is so much going on in me.. suffering and bliss, all at once. it almost seems like nothing. (because it's too much) I can see why there must be emptiness to contain it all <3 and I can feel on my skin; I'm my biggest enemy, the bigger jihad. but I love it, I love this enemy. it brought me here and here, right now is perfect <3 all the things I'm not and all the things I am. I don't know anymore. feels like I'm getting to know myself deeper and deeper on this journey. paradoxically I seem to know less and less. it's like peeling away layer after layer. what's left? what do I want to be left with? the only thing I know: I want love, the divine one that comes with oneness. the one that brings me to tears. unconditional, without boundaries. it takes so much courage. making myself vulnerable is so hard. I'm trembling. feels like I'm healing. I love this journey. do I first have to heal myself before I can heal others?

Psychological freedom is just lack of resistance to whatever arises. If you feel sad, you feel sad. If you feel anger, you feel anger. The difference is you're not going "I should be feeling something else right now." The reason people think these things are a problem is because they think they're only supposed to feel positive emotions. To some, that's happiness, enlightenment, bliss, whatever. That's the biggest load of crap about spirituality or enlightenment out there. The problem isn't the negative emotions. The problem is fear of feeling negative emotions. Fear, suppression, denial, distortion, overcompensation, etc. What keeps a depression going isn't sadness, it's an inability to feel sadness, numbing yourself and feeling nothing, e.g.

This is my first post on this forum. It is also very, very long. But there is a lot of stuff in there. Please don’t skim through it. Either you read it or you don’t. WARNING: This trip report contains a lot of “fucks” and in some parts discusses various demonic and sexual themes. Don’t read if you don’t want that stuff on your mind :-) Also, English is not my native language so please forgive misused words and weird grammar :-D PRELUDE There was so much going on, yet nothing happened at all. This story happened two days ago. It was my 8th time doing acid (first time in march 2016). I was prepared. As usual I did my Kriya routine in the morning. I ate vegan that day and didn’t consume food 6 hours and water 2 hours before the trip started. The two most recent books I had been reading were “God is Nothingness” by Andre Doshim Halaw and “The Adventure of Self-Discovery” by Stanislav Grof (I will refer to this one later). My plan was to take 200µg of LSD at around 10pm, lay down in my dimly lit room all alone and trip the fuck out all night. And so I did. I am quite sensitive to LSD and I had only taken 200µg once before with a friend. It was the second time I did acid without anyone else around. My intention was to be without any intentions. I wanted to merge with the groundless ground of being, reach enlightenment if you will. I have had a handful of trips like that in the past with LSD and other substances. So I was quite confident about my plan. And, well, … it did turn out like that, however, the way it all unfolded… I had never experienced anything like it. But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves… 22.20pm I carefully unwrapped the tab and sat there cross-legged for a few minutes, emptying my mind. That did not really work. I was nervous, for no reason in particular. I was breathing through the belly, but it did not calm me down. I felt my heart beating in every part of my body. I thought, “fuck it” and placed the tab on the tip of my lounge. No taste. I sat there for a few more minutes, taking deep and conscious breaths trough the belly and playing around with the tab in my mouth. Then I went downstairs to my cat and dog, sat down on the couch and waited for them to fall asleep. (These two ladies were part of the reason I wanted to trip at night. Especially my dog: She is very old and requires a lot of attention and care throughout the day. On a previous acid trip the encounter with my pets had been demonically terrifying, so I wanted to avoid it this time, at least during the come-up and peak.) 22.45pm The pets had fallen asleep, so I went back upstairs. I laid down on a mattress on the floor and wrapped myself in a blanket. The room around me was quite cold. While preparing for the trip I had taken various psychedelic/spiritual books from my little library and placed them next to the mattress, in case I would want to get some inspiration while tripping. Bhagavad Gita, The Psychedelic Experience, The Bible, I-Ging, Be Here Now, No-Mind, Nature Man and Woman, The End of Your World, Daodejing, … you name it. I did not feel like opening any of them, In fact they are still laying there untouched right now :-D I just laid there and waited for the effects of the drug to settle in. I was staring at the wooden ceiling. Looking up there would always be my reference point for how far I was into trip. You can tell by the intensity and quality of the visuals ;-) Nothing was happening yet. Only my mind became more quite. I closed my eyes. My entire perception was filled with the rising and falling of my breath and the beating of my heart. ~23.15pm The effects started to become clearly noticeable. My head felt more spacious. I recognized the knotholes of the wooden ceiling to be arranged in weird geometric patterns, slowly morphing across the surface. My breath became deeper. I was feeling my stomach and intestines. A thought popped up in my head. “I should do Kechari Mudra!” (Use google if you don’t know what that is.) So I pushed my tongue up the nasopharynx. As I did that I had a flash of understanding / information spontaneously pop up about why it is called Kechari Mudra. I do not speak Sanskrit, but from what I read the translations of “Kechari” all circle around air / space / flying. And this made perfect sense. It felt like my awareness had shifted into my tongue, which was the body of an eagle. And my body was gracefully gliding through the inner spaces of my own mind. I had visions of eagles pop up and got a strong intuitive sense of what they feel like in their bodies. The sensation of flying was physically reinforced by the way your nasopharynx feels. I wish I could explain this better, you just have to feel it for yourself ;-) (If you are into Kriya and still struggling with Kechari Mudra; Don’t give up! Keep practicing, it is worth it. Especially when combined with psychedelics^^) With the raising of the tongue my mind got clearer, the sense of self becoming more pinpointed somewhere in the head. I was starting to get closed eye visuals, colors and lights swirling around in the distance. Boundaries were dissolving. There was some sort of fractal vortex, which was simultaneously a feeling in my chest, a thought in my head and part of the visuals. “It is all one”, I thought with a smile. But I was still thinking that thought. INSERTION: The Perinatal Matrices of Stanislav Grof You should really do your own deep research on this, but let me quickly summarize what they are all about. The perinatal matrices refer to patterns of experience that you pass through during pregnancy in your mother’s womb and childbirth. An encounter with death and rebirth. These biological stages are not the final thing that is being pointed to, but they contain the archetypical seed of the pattern of experience. I : The Amniotic Universe (Union with your mother. Ambrosia through the umbilical cord. Bliss in Heaven. Oceanic ecstasy) II : Cosmic Engulfment and no Exit (Onset of labor. You have grown too big for your mother’s womb. Chemical changes. Pressure, stress and loneliness.) III : The Death – Rebirth Struggle (Moving of the fetus through the birth channel. Struggle for survival. Extreme pressure. Strong aggression. Lack of oxygen. Contact with blood, urine and excrements. Volcanic ecstasy) IV : The Death – Rebirth Experience (Childbirth. All the tension and pressure is suddenly released. Enlightening ecstasy. Ego Death.) (The transition of III to IV is often accompanied by total annihilation.) ???pm/am Deeper. Clearer. Surrender, on and on and on. I release my tongue from Kechari Mudra, just to find myself in a confused and disoriented state. I stare at the ceiling. Luminous organic vines are floating through the room. Lights, fractals. Nothing to hold on to. I wave my hand in front of my face. I cannot even make out its shape. The tracers are ridiculously strong and moving in perfect sync with the totality of my experience. They are not just occurring as a trail behind my hand, indicating where it just was; They are also occurring in front of my hand, indicating where it will be! This doesn’t make any sense! I close the eyes, focus onto Bhrumadhya, breathe in deeply through the belly and push the tongue back up into the nasopharynx. Visions of lights related to the flower of life motif. The cosmic matrix of creation. A glimpse of the blueprint of all of existence. A tingling sensation at the base of the spine. I relax into it. ???am I have no idea what is going on. There is no one who is experiencing this. There is just some stuff going on. Ecstatic feelings of space and light in the abdomen. It feels like out-of-this-world hardcore sex between the devil and the universe. FUCK ME UP! With each thrust beams of ecstasy are being released. YES! YES! DEEPER! INTO THE RHYTHM! Who am I in this act of madness bursting with pleasure? A piece of advice is floating by: “Don’t think, don’t answer!”. So I return to the obscene orgy. ???am A level of being where madness, sex, beauty and death have merged into ecstatic consciousness like the components of a Nordic knot. ???am Shiva dances the rudra tandava Ragnarök Pure destructive forces are being unleashed from the depths of the unconscious. Cosmic snakes riding into battle. The universe is my lover But she is one hell of a nasty beast. She will fuck you up. A sexy, irresistible devil. She is into the really kinky stuff. She bangs your head against the floor and shoves her tentacle arm down your throat. Chokes you to death. If you are lucky you might get a glimpse of her eating her own tail. It moves violently through the entire body. It is not dependent on physical anatomy, it moves through secret pathways. No chance of understanding. It won’t stop until you and it are one. Surrender. ???am I cannot handle it. My head slipped off the mattress, leaving my neck tilted towards the floor. Bursts of raw, divine energy. My system cannot handle or interpret them. Violent spasms at the back of the head, the energy cannot move through. I remember this very vividly. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds. It reminds me of a scene I recently witnessed, where a friend of mine was having an epileptic seizure. Demonic visions. Rape and murder. Snuff porn. I am staring back at myself with eyes wide open but inverted into the skull and satanic runes glowing on my forehead. Sprinkle in some more NSFL stuff to fuel your imagination. I am drowning and burning myself in this untamed and raw stream of divinity. Like pushing and demolishing your head against a never-ending stream of rapidly rotating electric blades. I am Lucifer. I am Death. Something interesting happens. A shift. The violent bursts of energy at the back of my head can be reevaluated, seen from a different perspective. They are no longer something YOU are feeling, but rather a certain, specific vibratory state. A chunk of information only recognized for what it is when placed against the background of absolute Nothingness. There is no way of communicating it. This is the answer to everything. All that can ever possibly exist or be experienced is Spirit. Ones and zeros, electromagnetic waves creating reality through self-interference. There is a secret code, the structure of the mind itself. But you will never grasp it, for you are it. ???am “That which has no karma but chooses to act anyways.” Ram Dass once said this in a lecture. I don’t remember which one. But now I understand. Did I even take a breath since I last closed my eyes? Was my tongue really in Kechari Mudra the entire time? My breath had sunk down as deep into my belly as never before and slowed down a lot. Where I would usually stop the inhalation in meditation, my belly now just kept on expanding, defying what I had thought to be physically possible, sucking all that sweet air into my lungs. I don’t know how much time has passed, for it doesn’t exist. I am back. I AM! A mighty roar. I AM! I don’t really exist, but I have thought myself into existence. A funny little trick. I am thinking myself into being something other than that which I am experiencing. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT AM I?! A vision of what this “I – Thing” really is unfolds. It was nonverbal, but I will try to explain it anyways. It is… A point in empty space. A black hole. It distorts reality (aka Nothingness / Nirvana / Sunyata / Brahman / Dao / … ) into whatever you want it to be, turns everything inside – out. I could go on using words to describe that which lies at root of this very moment. But it is pointless. Like a computer program, you could explain it going through its code line by line. But that doesn’t really reveal the true nature of the process. Just play around with the program. Learning by doing. You are it, so you cannot know it by studying something external. Here is what it sort of looks and feels like (Imagine a mixture of the following ideas): * + the way your nasopharynx feels during Keachri Mudra *This is in fact the album cover for “Citadel” by the Australian extreme progressive metal band “Ne Obliviscaris”. Besides mind-shattering drums and riffs they feature growls, clean singing and a violin. I have never seen anyone as skilled as these guys in transporting and embodying the destructive yet beautiful aspect of nature. If you are into metal music, give their song “Devour Me, Colossus (Part I): Blackholes” a listen. If you do not like metal music, listen to it anyways ;-D At a later point of the trip a name for this “I-Thing” spontaneously popped into my head: “The tantalunian lizard!” (Coming from the Greek mythological figure Tantalus. I still chuckle at that name right now :-D The funniest thing about this is that I never studied Greek mythology. Maybe I heard that name at some point, but after conceiving “The tantalunian lizard” I first had to google whether the word “tantalunian” even exists. Well, it turns out it doesn’t, but it is obviously coming from “Tantalus”, and this just fits so perfectly :-) ) “ I am” is the first thought. It is a level of consciousness where everything is one. The One God. The last universal common ancestor. From there on time is born and the universe fractally expands through infinite possibilities and variations of what exactly “I am”. All life is connected. The tree of life is very literal. And you are not just that one fruit hanging somewhere in the branches, you are the entire fucking tree. All life is one, you are all life, and at the root of yourself there lays this demonic principle, waiting to be realized. Eternally Self-devouring. But before I could realize it the “I AM” took a dark turn for me. I became some sort of arch-demon, horns sprouting from my head / center of distortion, diabolic laughter. I am all the evil. I rise through never ending scenes of fire, torment and hell. The space and light I had previously felt in my abdomen turned into rot and decay. Thank god I had re-read the “Psychedelic Experience” before the trip. “Don’t identify, relax your mind, let it pass, float downstream” a voiceless voice gently whispers. I surrender. Now I can’t even properly explain this part to myself. There were visions of some sort of enlightened, super conductive Tai-Chi beings that assumed poses that corresponded to hexagrams from the I-Ching. Whenever they did this my state of awareness changed in synchronicity with what they were doing. They were guiding me out of the hell I had just been in, restoring my energetic balance (god that sounds so stupid :-D ) The world is whatever you say it is, you just have to know how to say it. But these beings were talking/manifesting in a language I could not speak or understand. How do you arrive at these statements? You would already have to know them before conceiving them! What the fuck?! It just happens spontaneously! ???am It is moving up the spine, once again. I am lying there, moaning and sprawling on the mattress. Thank God no one is seeing this. In synchronicity with the energy my arms rise above my head and touch the ground in a pose of surrender. But… ccould.. how can this possibly be true? I can feel my hands touching the ground, but I also feel the ground touching my hands! IT IS ALL MEEEEE!!! WUUUUUAAAH§HFZ&VI%R§§VI”?BDIS-- AHAHAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Visions of something closely related to an eye opening and closing. An eternal pulse. Ecstasy. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I sit up. I sit in meditation posture. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I attempt some Pranayama, but it is completely absurd, the energy is already rising anyways, me trying to make it rise is just distorting the process. Visions of volcanic ecstasy as >something< is simultaneously giving birth to, playing with, fucking and devouring itself. I lay back down and go for some more rounds on the strange loop of (non)existence. 3.30am Holy shit. I just looked at the clock for the first time since lying down. The feeling in my abdomen is now neither that of light nor decay, but telling me to go to the bathroom to take a piss. “This was the peak”, I think to myself. But I am still tripping balls. The visuals are still three-dimensional and I am so confused I don’t even know I am confused. I get up slowly and awkwardly, not used to my limbs. Like after a long session of meditation but a million times more weird. As I am walking to the bathroom I think to myself something along the lines of: “So, kids, you want something that really kicks in? Try the ultimate drug; DEATH! That shit will fuck you up!” I remember Leo saying something like “This shit will destroy your life!” in a blog video. I laugh internally, because he is right. I sit down on the toilet and sink my head into my hands. I just sit there. After some time I am finally able to pee. What a relief. I get up and stand in front of the mirror. I have done this before on acid, so I knew the key (as always) was to stay calm and not attach to anything you might see. Then it can get really interesting. And oh boy it did. Unfortunately there is not the slightest chance that I can express what I saw in that mirror. Let me put it like this. On the one hand, there is absolute Nothingness. Nirvikalpa Samadhi. No self, no reflections, just void. Then on the other hand there is Savikalpa Samadhi. It is essentially still the same nothingness, but it is “interpreted”. It gets interpreted as absolutely everything. All possibilities of all that could possibly exist and happen. An infinite cloud of quantum potential, not yet manifested. And I was standing there, my reflection morphing and shifting through all these different possibilities. I saw nothing and everything at the same time. Angles, demons, animals, indefinable shapes and objects… The stuff I saw was so utterly terrifying but also incredibly beautiful. Beyond human. Consciousness itself, available to only those who pass through the portal of death. I saw myself skimming through the billions of years of evolution. One appearance stuck with me in particular. (I also think it was the one that pulled me out of the trance, because I identified with it.) I saw my reflection calmly looking back at me with the features and elegance of a wolf, waiting patiently. The eyes, oh the eyes… I went back to my room and laid down on the mattress. What else was I supposed to do? The destructive forces I was describing earlier were no longer present. They had done their job. I was fucking gone. I remember laying there with nothing left but the taste of LSD. One eye closed, the other open. Completely relaxed, it feels natural. This is consciousness, beyond life, beyond death. ???am And once more I was thankful for having read “The Psychedelic Experience”. There was this entity, some sort of androgynous mother – father being of enormous light, power and attraction. (I don’t’ know which one though.) It first manifested as a point before my minds eye. Then lines formed around it and it started spinning. Out of this spin it grew in size, playfully jumping across my field of perception. It formed two antipodes that were conscious manifestations of the male and female principle. These two antipodes were entangled and making love to each other. The appearance was constantly shifting, but at times it actually resembled gorgeous body shapes of man and woman. It wanted me to join. “Come on, baby” it whispered with the most seductive bedroom eyes. But having had read the manual, I just laid there and watched… The entity became disappointed with me not wanting to participate, spun back into itself and disappeared. ~5.00am I got up from the mattress. I wanted to go outside to watch the sunset on a nearby hill. I went over to my laptop and googled when the sun would rise. (I usually sleep a lot longer than sunrise.) 7.19am . Still a bit of time to go. Using the laptop felt fucking weird and I had to laugh at myself struggling with the keyboard. I was able to recreate the “vibratory feeling” at will at the back of the head (more gentle, not violent this time), which again led to the realization that all is Spirit and sent me into a transcendent state. So I just sat there. After a while I took up a pen and paper. (I read / listen to most spiritual stuff in english. Therefore it felt natural to me to write this down in english.) Transcript: So, ah It seens [seems] like You are the devil A reality distorting fuck It fkkin vibrates feel it (beyond) Spirit (beyond) You are all that ever existed you Smiling at what I had just written, I decided to listen to some music. I played the album “Spira Mirabilis” by Ajja. Oh man. I already liked that album before the trip, but now, being in that state, I felt how the music was really expressing the inexpressible! The rhythmic movement of the cosmic snake… Go listen to that album! (You can also listen to music during to come-up to calm you down. During the peak it is pretty much pointless I think. You can just tune into that which the artist was tuned into and got his inspiration from ;-) Since the peak was over for me I was very grateful for this beautiful manifestation of soundwaves.) So there I was, still wrapped in a blanket, dancing and stomping through the room to these rhythms that reflected the structure of mind back to me. ~6.00am I was getting tired of dancing and the album was getting close to its end. I decided to roll a joint, which I would smoke while watching the sunrise. I had already noticed this on other trips and it was exactly the same this time: The more you try to roll the joint, the more you fuck up. Your hands get wet and shaky, your sense of touch is just really awkward. Don’t even try. Let your muscle memory take over. The joint basically rolls itself :-D Having finished the task, I just sat there some more. ~6.30am I put on warm clothes (it was the first night after this summer where the temperature dropped below 0°C) and stepped outside. The first rays of light were already crawling across the sky. The cold morning air was very refreshing. So I just walked. I was still tripping quite hard, going in and out of my mind, laughing at nothing at all while staring into oblivion. I just hoped I wouldn’t come across anyone I knew. The luminous visual patterns had disappeared by now, but trees still looked incredible. That fractal skeleton, so freaking gorgeous. I recognized the same “I am” thought that my experience was based on to also create the trees and other stuff I was looking at. No matter where you look, you always encounter your own consciousness. After about 20 minutes I arrived at the top of the hill. The sun had not yet risen but everything was bright already. It was so beautiful. The trees, the birds, fog crawling through the valleys and villages… All enlightened from within. In perfect order. I just sat there, soaking in the scenery and emptying my mind. Then I lit the joint. Cannabis and LSD synergize extremely well. (This can go into both directions, however, so be careful!) The weed “reenergized” the trip a little bit, the visuals became stronger again and my mind started to go in circles. As I was sitting there, smoking, I thought to myself: “Man, there is so much more profound stuff you could be doing with your breath instead of inhaling smoke for a little high…” But I won’t complain. The high was very pleasant. Just what I wanted. ;-) I sat there for probably almost two hours, motionless. In that period I had some interesting thoughts and I realized I should dive deeper into Hinduism and its pantheon. The deities represent archetypical forces that make up both cosmic and individual mind. I took an extra long way home. I just wanted to walk, feel my body and soak in some more of that spirit-made-manifest. I gave my best not to take on the role of the unconscious forces I had unleashed this night. I often caught myself romanticizing over thoughts of how I am this cosmic lover, destroyer of the universe. But as always… don’t attach, watch it, let it pass… ~9.00am I arrived back home. My pets were already waiting for me to feed them, and I was happy to see them. I fondled their heads, looked them deep into the eyes and smiled as I saw myself looking back at me. I fed them, let them go outside into the garden, sat down on the couch, closed my eyes and drifted through my mind. I don’t really remember anything specific from this period. 12.00am After 13 hours of intense tripping, I finally felt like I was ready to sleep. I laid down on the mattress, and fell asleep… I woke up only a few hours later at around 4.00pm but still felt quite refreshed. I ate some pumpkin soup, thought about all the crazy stuff that had happened last night and drew this picture: APPENDIX So, what did I learn from that experience? I wouldn’t consider this a life-changing trip, for I had already grasped (intellectually) the concepts I was confronted with. It wasn’t my first ride. But probably the most intense one. It taught me, that if I want to reach those higher levels of consciousness naturally, I will have to stop doing psychedelics at some point. Psychedelics are like plugging in your 5V USB directly into a nuclear power station. Brute force, anything that stands in its way shall be annihilated. It works, hell yeah, it works… But you are supposed to consciously evolve your ego to these levels like a flower growing day by day towards the light until it blossoms. Sacrificing your unevolved self in some sort of chemically induced satanic ritual to the Absolute isn’t going to cut it in the end. It is the difference between Syd Barret and Ramana Maharshi. I feel like most of the trip was in the light of the third perinatal matrix. As a non-labor Caesarian born this was something quite new and “interesting” for me. I had arrived at Nothingness before in other trips, but the demonic and destructive component had never really been revealed that clearly. The "love component" was largely missing this time. Also the fact that “all is Spirit” was really brought to mind once again. Day and night, love and hate, demons and angles, it is all just consciousness playfully taking on various vibratory states. There is no reason to fear anything. It is everything. You are it. You are everything. APPENDIX II For all you lovers of wisdom you can never grasp, for it eats you alive… There is this archetypical sequence of vibratory states, the order in which the deities appear. When we first stumbled across this phenomena with a group of friends (all on acid, of course) we called it TAKT (german for beat/rhythm. But not (just) the musical one…) And it gets fucking weird… By completely emptying yourself you can become superconductive and let IT move using YOUR body. Then you dance the way Shiva does, and everything is in harmony. People will stare at you in horror and delight. What is this secret code, the rhythm of the universe through which everything unfolds? It is encoded by the symbols on the inside of the Inca Ouroboros I borrowed for my painting. It is the array of trigrams / hexagrams in the I-Ching. It is the ever-repeating process manifested in the perinatal matrices. It is the way that cosmic eye opens and closes. It is the cycle of Samsara. It is the “I am” thought popping in and out of existence. It is a deeper level of consciousness that makes up your existence in this very moment. It is a part of you. Therefore you cannot grasp it or make a model of it. And if you can make a model of it that model will not be satisfying. The model would only be an abstraction, a shadow. What you want is the direct experience, and to get there you have to let go of all concepts. So if you are going to model it and talk about it anyways make sure you do not confuse the model for the actual thing. Don’t walk around and show it to people, claiming you found the answers to life. The only way to really know is to embody!

After awakening, one is able to use the inner being. Example: astral projecting in real time anywhere using the 5 senses together. Being able to do Tantra telepathically to influence or learn from any living thing at will, or not strictly necessarily living, there is the entities realm that is quite vast. Take in mind that all that has happened in reality is still there, every bit of info. Yes, Tantra is not only for sex. Today per example I started channeling the vibration of the entity of Milarepa, the famous Tibetan yogi. The info is not in words, is on the realm of dreams, emotions, insights. At the end of the day is very difficult to point in words when you project your own energy out-there. What comes out are insights and how to use the inner core to advance in a faster way. But there is a way to pinpoint to a source of written information like a book or a library and literally take out desired info or collect the info into the body. But doing this one has to reenter the feelings of loss, fear will arise, is unknown territory for the mind and panic like state. Eternal bliss is misunderstood. Is a state of balance btw pain and extasy. But is not that simple, first one has to deal with his/hers own nightmares and drama, pain, healing, ancestral memory (the so-called genetic boundaries, yes it can be conquered) etc. In my journey, took me around 2 years just to reach a level of balance in the self-control of the emotions, images, thoughts, memories, the why, the how etc. Eternal journey of discovery, there is no single 1 act or feeling or achievement which one can say: (i know everything, i have experienced everything, this is a delusion of the mind in higher stages).

My faith gets renewed every day. It feels wonderful. The physical realm is limited and full of doubts and concerns. But this realm is liberating, a true definition of peace. ?.fecundity123 Finally it's like heaven is here. As above so below. Remove all dissonance and live in the spiritual world. Now I understand why people do drugs, because they want to escape and feel the spiritual. They are tired of the physical and its limitations. But in the spirit, it's bliss and peace. They want to escape and forget all the mess. This world is like a school that kids don't want to go to cuz they are too tired with all its weirdness and harsh truths. Now they wanna have some fun and escape this matrix. They are tired of the expectations and the demands and the judgment. They are tired of a world of false promises and betrayals. They are tired of working so hard that they lose themselves. And the happiness if any is so transient that it wasn't worth all the trouble. This is harmful because you want the cake and can't have it and finally when you do it tastes weird or the feeling doesn't last too long. It keeps you in a perpetual state of restlessness of either wanting more, or regretting what you got for yourself with extreme effort. In the end the boredom is terrible and the happiness has fled and it feels like "much ado about nothing" and all the pain and effort that went into creating the happiness wasn't worth it. So a lot of people seek comfort in spirituality which is stable and permanent and doesn't mess with your emotions and gives you a steady form of happiness devoid of all the physical limitations and imperfections. The question of boredom doesn't arise because the feeling is semi permanent and keeps you grounded. Physical happiness is like hunger you are going to get hungry again. Spiritual happiness is like a state of calm like a piano music lasting for hours and leaves you feeling relieved and peaceful. Spiritual happiness is like a wonderful dream. When you are on a spiritual plane, there are angels to guide you and you are lifted above the physical state and the physical state becomes less and less important. And it's like an escape from the physical world. It's an antidote to the physical world. And it's a healthy escape. There is nobody to destroy the happiness in the spiritual world. The need for love. This need is very painful. But spirituality fulfills it and keeps you grounded. It makes you feel full. Functions or benefits of spirituality :- 1. Escape from the physical world or distress 2. An antidote to the physical world 3. Peace and lasting fulfillment 4. Spiritual fulfillment. The soul or spirit has been pacified and fulfilled and no longer restless after death . Walk in the path of light. Not falling through the cracks. 5. Bridge between physical and spiritual 6. Breakdown of social and world illusions. Helps with attaining mental maturity. 7. Narrows down the focus to vital necessities of life. 6. Assistance to survival in the physical world through manifestation of desires and needs.. 7. Satisfies the hunger for love. 8. Powerful antidote to self esteem issues. 9. Source of Permanent long lasting happiness Follow God, worship and begin your deep friendship with him because he doesn't want you to fall through the cracks. He is your savior. And even if the physical realm failed you, God will keep you content spiritually. Thus you will face the consequences of physical limitations but you will die and it will be over however your spirit will continue to rest peacefully. If you do not follow the light and path shown by God, then your soul or spirit will continue to remain dissatisfied even when the physical suffering is over. That's why you need to walk in light.

@Joseph Maynor Great answer. I specially agree with the part where you said that Turquoise is attached with positively impacting maya. It's funny because whenever I mention this (that their attachment is yet another ego illusion) to Turquoise individuals they ignore me, much like how lower stages ignore advice that can shatter their own attachments. You seem to have the Sat (being-ness) and Cit (intelligence) aspects of the Self realized. Have you made any headways in realizing the last aspect, ananda (bliss)? I can't say that I have ever had to go through the dark night of the soul. I certainly did have to go through the dark night of the mind (which you called your first dark night of the soul) where I couldn't figure out what I was independent of the ego. Also, when realization finally dawned, it wasn't as shocking an experience as most people seem to have (judging by the "I am enlightened" posts here which are in abundance). But I guess that was because my ego had never had that tight a grip over me. I had always been doubting and seeking since childhood.

For a long time I've been trying to understand my atypical sexual expression and polarity, which seems quite unusual. Despite having always been super attracted to the feminine, I was often assumed to be homosexual based on my interests and lack thereof. And while I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, the way I relate to men and women is often described as more like a female than a straight male would. Now I have no attachment to being masculine, willing to accept by true nature whatever it is. So here I'll list some of my experiences, in the hopes of getting a clearer picture of what is going on: I've never had any interest in watching sports or other competition. Instead I get deep emotional enjoyment from love dramas, I'd be bored out of my mind watching a football game, but found shows like The O.C. and Dawson's Creek deeply entertaining and satisfying. Likewise in real life, I am extremely averse to competition, and never felt the drive to achieve or accomplish anything in typical masculine fashion. My bliss is to be in the flow of life, experience the feminine, and enjoy sensual experiences. I don't ever seem capable of caring about anything beyond myself so much that I feel deeply driven and passionate about it. I see men at large as being the disposable gender, human doings only valued for their work, selflessly committing to being a utility. I never felt this way about myself, always considered myself equally valuable and worthy of comfort and protection as much as any female. I seek out sensually satisfying experiences through the 5 senses, and this is that gives me the most physical pleasure in life. Like eating food, smelling aromas, feeling textures, looking at women, listening to music. To me life isn't meaningful, it's sensual. I love to get swept up pop music with soft, sweet sensual feminine vocals. Often find myself listening to stuff like Britney Spears, Kylie Minogue, Vanessa Carlton and Mandy Moore songs from the early 2000s, which make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I never seem to fit in with other guys, never felt comfortable in groups of men, can't hardly relate to them. Talking to women is easy and relaxing for me, talking to men often feels brash and makes me uneasy. Also making eye contact with unfamiliar men is very uncomfortable, or even scary. I often find myself crossing the street to avoid walking directly towards another man on the sidewalk, especially if it's a large or aggressive looking man, it's like my body goes into fight/flight mode so I remove myself & just stay relaxed. But I have no problems making eye contact with women. In fact I very much enjoy looking deep into the pupils of an attractive female, which comes easily and natural to me when doing no-fap. The few male friends I have become close with seem to be more 'tame' than typical men, not the roughhousing, one-upping, prank-pulling, sports watching bro guys, they don't smell, are open to talking about their feelings, aren't egocentric, and don't judge me. I am very drawn to the sent of women, but repulsed by male scent. This alone makes me not want to be around other men much. My ideal experience of intimacy would be to just cuddle endlessly with a beautiful woman, embrace, touch and caress her all over, but not actually having any sexual acts with her that involve my own genitalia, just being in intimate contact without leading to orgasm and ejaculation. Sexual release feels like inferior low-consciousness pleasure, which leaves me feeling numb and depleted afterwards, and this activity is something I don't want to do anymore, whether alone or with women. I have never had sex before but was very addicted to masturbating for most of my teens and 20s. I mean an extreme addiction, fapping 5-10 times a day, often for many hours. This year I have finally broken that addiction, and it seems permanent. I can experience much more pleasurable vibrations from breathwork, meditation and other practices, and these leave me more awakened and energized afterward, the complete opposite of ejaculating. But despite overcoming and transmuting sexual urges, I still gravitate towards sensuality, and very drawn towards female bodies as objects of desire. There seems to be nothing more captivating to me in life than the wish to touch, or look at beautiful women, and it seems unavoidable that my focus is on pursuing that drive, or finding ways to cope without it. Just trying to figure out what is going on here with this unusual energy polarity and atypical gender expression, and how to deal with it. Nothing left to hide and no ego to protect.

@MM1988 Not anymore, I wouldn't trade places with them. Satisfaction from having a family, experience with girls, sex, doing drugs etc. Those are all concepts and behind them, as a fundamental thing that you want is bliss, well being, positive state of the mind if you would now get infinite bliss - none of those concepts would bother you. You know what I mean If you're truly a nihilist. From the net hedonism perspective, spirituality wins. EDIT btw. why heroin? If you want to enter a low inhibition god mode do meth + benzos

A big thank you Leo for that one. I've requested it I guess 2.5 years ago. It was well worth the wait! Probably as important as your "most shocking truth you'll ever hear" video. Yes, the people concentrate on the no-self and think that they already know what love is... To me, love is easier to get you to no-self than the other way around. Practice it every day, like going to the gym, you'll get instant results! By expending love outwardly, the fear based inner dialogue vanishes and you become the infinite. What is Love ? “Real love is to love them that hate you.” Mahatma Gandhi “Accustomed long to contemplating love and compassion and I have forgotten all differences between others and myself” Milarepa What you think love is, is what you got from your culture, if you are a scientist or atheist, love is a romantic or sentimental emotion. But love is more fundamental than maths and physics. The universe is a giant mind, it has capacity to love. Love is a universal property. Just like intelligence, love is a facet of the absolute. Truth, consciousness and love are the three components of the trinity of the absolute, in hindouisme Sat Chit Ananda. It is really one thing, but you can discover them individually or collectively. Enlightenment is having the insight of no-self, but not only, you have to feel infinite love too. Of course you can have those emotions that are love based but what is love on the metaphysical level? Truth is love. Why is truth not neutral? Consciousness, intelligence and love are not accidental by-products of the evolutionary process. They are qualities of the univers. You are not in the universe, you are the universe. Love is infinite and unlimited. but the ego is in the way. Love is absolute acceptance of everything, it is to love all reality without exceptions, not being able to imagine what evil is, considering it as an impossibility. You don’t know what evil is anymore, you love everything so much, there is no more room left for evil to exist, because you have love the evil to death, you are conscience of the beauty of creation. It is the surrender of the self, the dissolution of all boundaries. The beauty of dissolving into infinity is greatest peace and bliss that you can imagine. Death is love, God is love. God meaning the univers or reality. A good way to think about life, is to take life as a love simulator, where the goal is to be the most loving humain being possible, becoming conscious of the beauty of creation. This is the most difficult thing to do. But why is there so much bad stuff going on in that simulation? Because the goal of the simulation is to love everything, even the bad stuff, like a computer game where there are obstacles in the way, you got to be at ease with them. That is the most difficult thing to do because the obstacles are actually to get completely over yourself, surrender yourself, die to the truth and then you can die happy and peacefully. Love cannot be purchase, their is no magic pill solution, you have to develop your capacity to love but also to the hard stuff. Most people love to love the easy stuff, like food family, people who love them etc… what about the rest? That what fulfills you.. Here is an exercice to open the heart chakra: Imagine something you love and magnify, expend out that feeling onto all of reality. Transmute that narrow love into universal love for all of existence for the privilege of being able to be here conscious and alive. Expend it out of your chest, like your are a fountain of love. Love means practice, you need to trigger it on command, you are a creator of love, don’t wait to get it from external sources. The true test of your love is the ability to love evil and all the stuff that is against you, so that your love is unconditional. To love is to be not judgmental. The universe loves itself unconditionally, you got to align with that love. Spirituality is the art of love. It is a set of practices and concept which helps you to increase your capacity to love with the ultimate aim to get to an infinite capacity to love. That is true spirituality! Loving stuff that serves the ego’s agenda is what most people experience as what love is. The ego only knows how to love conditionally. The ego is always afraid of dissolving the bounderies of the separation it has created towards the infinite. You or your ego feels confortable being small and finite. The opposite of love is: egotism, narcissism, fear, hate, judgment, unconsciousness, violence, intolerance, manipulation, tribalism, exploitation, ignorance, close-mindedness and division. You can’t love if you are preoccupied with food, status, sex, survival, success ideology, politics, money, addiction, drugs, religions or logic. Nobody wants to give up his ideology because we think we are right. That is what is in the way of being all loving. The religious people loves to hate the atheists and vice versa, white people loves to hate the black people and vices versa, christians-muslim, republicans-democrats and so on. What is hate? In a sense hate is not the opposite of love, as love is actually everything. How to account for hate and evil then? It is simply excessive love of the self, the ego. Hate is a form of love. Love can have different aspect like water, the solid form would be hate, the liquid form the egoic love, and gaseous form would be the unconditional, divine love. You love your family conditionally which means you love them because they serve you in certain ways. Every evil person acts out of love. Hitler acted out of love towards his ego. Hitler’s ego and Germany’s national ego which created this division between them and the world. Like a total narcissist. Because the ego is so fragmented, it is not able to love itself fully. A person who hates is incapable of loving himself, he denies and suppressed other parts of himself and then projects those out to the outside world. By rejecting the truth of unity in existence, a racist has to reject and demonize the people outside, and unconsciously, he also hates himself. What part of yourself do you deny or suppress, what part of your body of your personality don’t you like? We need to rise above the survival game of outcompeting the other, and being willing to die if necessary. The ego or the devil flips everything around. The ego or the devil convinces himself that by hating others, that he is actually doing good. And the devil has infiltrated all major religions, so that a lot religious people think that to hate others, non believers or else, is good and that to love their tribe is the point of religion. Closed minded, opinionated, judgmental, superficial, addicted, needy, ideological, success oriented, arrogant, and fearful people cannot love. Love in spiral dynamics: Stage purple: tribal form of love, they love their tribe would fight for defending their tribe Stage red: A twisted, a narcissistic form of love, which takes the form of violence, conquest, dictatorship, punishment, vengeance, power, which is not the opposite of love Stage blue: The orthodox & religious state. Love your country, ethnicity, community, a love to hate evil and evil doers, following rules, law and order, idol worship, the man in the sky, a love for one religion, not all religions Stage orange: Love of rationality, science, IQ, analysis, materialism, liberty, individuality, achievement and success, fun, money, sex, fame, libertarians… Stage green: Love for all people, animals, races, cultures, femininity, environment, community, social justice, willingness to sacrifice for the community. Green sees the importance of loving oneself Stage yellow: diversity of knowledge and system thinking, open mindedness Stage turquoise: Love all beings, the entire ecosystem, you understand that you are God, you have the power of true unconditional love, you are able to love suffering, ignorance, evil, unconditional love, you love ego, illusion and Maya, you’ve experienced the truth and you love that global community. To move from one stage to another: -Do the exercice to open the heart chakra, visualise your self being more loving, fill yourself with love as you would do with a mindful relaxation exercice, feel more love. -Suffering, strong determination sitting, solo meditation retreats, psychedelics including bad trips, facing your fears, every fear you have is roadblock towards you being infinitely loving, and the ultimate fear being the fear of death. -Practice acceptance, non judgment and surrendering, being more kind, giving, caring and vulnerable, especially being vulnerable will help tremendously, build unconditional self-love, love your body entirely, feel love in difficult times like when someone hurt you, study role models like Gandhi, Christ, Zen masters and many others. Being more loving doesn’t mean everything will go your way or that you will even stay alive, yes you can get hurt (Gandhi was beaten down). Allow yourself to cry. When some people have a dense level of love, which means that they hate, they are going to hate you for your love. Your love becomes a threat to them! A lot of loving leaders got murdered that way. As an orthodox, you don’t want to admit that love and evil, God and the devil are actually the same thing. Your orthodox religion is corrupted by the devil. You were told not to worship idols, that the kingdom of heaven is within, to love your neighbor as yourself… what do think that means? Make sure when you love, you never do it because you have to or because you should. You have to genuinely love reality, you don’t fake that. Be careful with the “fake it until you make it” approach, as long you have a sens of ego, you are not able to love unconditionally, the ego is by definition a division. The ego wants to build a protective castle and in doing so, you separate yourself from the world. You have to surrender all ideologies, beliefs, religion and beliefs in God, that is the cost. You can burn the candle from both end: -Pursue awakening on hand (self-enquirery, yoga, meditation, contemplation) -Practice to be more loving -Practice to have a real smile vs a fake one. Practice make yourself feel the joy and happiness. -Practice compassion. -Total acceptance for the ignorance of mankind. Evil is always created by ignorance. -Understanding that hatred is a form of love A common person use 5% of their love. You want to transform the quality of your life? Tap into love! You can’t really do it because you are too weak, narcissist, scared, selfish, left brained, wrapped up in ideologies, opinions, judgments, fighting for social justice, as that race, for that religions, you have ennemies. To be a powerful leader, you got to be a powerful lover, otherwise you become a tyrant and hated. Love requires the greatest courage, it is something you have to work for. There needs to be a commitment to transform yourself as a more loving person. Loving people have a great sense of purpose in their life, they don’t get abused and have strong boundaries so that they don’t let the egotism of others drag them down. To be loving you need to be up-lifting. Your homework assignment: Look at how and why your love is conditional, look how you cherrypick. Make a list of your fears that are holding you back to be more loving with this person, with that situation, political matter… Why aren’t you able to love more? What are you afraid of? Is it the fear of what others think of you? When you see how much conditional your love is, you will start to see opportunities to turn that around.

It sounds like you made a lot of progress. You were sexual with a prostitute. In a sense, you did "finish". You didn't back out or freak out halfway through and leave. You gave your all and were engaged through the whole process. Regarding "game". Be genuine. You may want to work on composure a bit. Nobody wants to be so nervous on a date that they start shaking and break down - spilling their drink as they babble about their masturbation habits. Yet, it doesn't sound like you are going to become some smooth guy that can sweep a woman off her feet and fuck her senseless until she is too sore to take anymore. If you learn a bunch of pickup lines and strategies - would they feel natural to you? Or would it feel awkward and forced? Is that who you genuinely are? Some guys have this idea that they need to steer initial dates toward sex and close the deal within a couple dates. There are plenty of women that are fine going on several dates and getting to know a guy, then spending some time just fooling around. It doesn't have to be a high stakes scenario like you are a basketball player on the free-throw line with down 1 point with 2 seconds left in the game. Find someone you feel somewhat comfortable with. After a few dates, if the topic of sex comes up in conversation - perhaps casually mention that sex is special for you and sometimes you get a bit nervous. Some women will appreciate that. If some woman judges you as a loser, do you really want to try and have sex with her? The pressure would be really high. There are women that are much more chill and supportive. When I was your age, I had the opposite problem - premature ejaculation. One time I was with a more experienced woman. Things progressed fast and after the second date I found myself in her bedroom talking about books. I had anxiety and almost came before my pants even came off. It was literally three pumps and a squirt. I will never forget the look she gave me as she said "Did you come already??!!! You did, didn't you? Are you fucking serious? That's it?". . . It was an awful experience. Later, I met another gal and mentioned prior to sex that sometimes I come quickly. She replied "Sometimes that's fucking HOTT!! When I turn a guy on so much he can't hold back it makes me feel like a sexy". She then suggested that we could always do it a second and third time - that I would probably last longer. And guess what happened? I came after 5 seconds the first time and she thought it was hot. The second time I lasted about 5min. and then gradually increased my stamina. I wasn't a dynamo with intercourse, yet I knew I could improve my oral skills. I told women I dated that I wanted to get really good at giving oral sex. They were thrilled to let me practice on them. Most guys aren't into oral sex. They flap their tongue around a few times as they are thinking about moving on to intercourse. I learned how to give oral as if I was playing a musical instrument. You can send a woman into absolute bliss with skilled oral sex.

Never thought about that, haha. Yeah it makes sense when you see it from that perspective A friend told me her motivation came also through her suffering. Because of self-worth and because of the way she behaved in previous relationships which was the result of her low self-esteem. So the suffering was that man(society?) treated her poorly and she didnt wanted to accept this. Definitely, for me at least. Truth and understanding where a bigger motivator than bliss. I guess that realization that it all leads to bliss came far later for me. Although there is a certain gratification/fulfillment in deeply pondering reality by itself.

@Nondescript Welcome to the forum. You’re at the right place. Lots of people here sharing very similar experience, trying to make sense of things, and helping each other out. I relate a lot with what you shared. Specifically the ‘inconsistent reality’ of electronics. I agree with you, there is a higher power, and I suggest it is showing you the possibilities of tuning into the subtleties in ‘everyday reality’. In my experience, there is infinite intelligence, infinite love, at play. This infinity appears as objects, people, etc - everyday stuff. But it is not everyday stuff, it is a miracle. Sounds like you were fortunate enough to experience a big phat dose of this. We’re all a little jelly. ? Perhaps what you experienced, is at the least, on the fringe of nonduality, or maybe, a strong inclination of it. That will probably be confusing af for a bit, but ultimately, it is the most worthwhile discovery, and relationship possible. There is an ‘impression of me as an individual’ which gets purged, or purified, as the delusion of this begins to be noticed, and eventually realized. Doubts & fears will be triggered, because none of them are true, nor were they ever true. Love is true, you are true, all is well - is actually true. The brain’s gonna try to hang on to perspectives to the contrary of this. As it does, use everything at your disposal, meditation, exercise, videos by nonduality teachers, clean eating, and be as open and honest as you can - make use of the forum. As you’re continuing to wake up, careful with what you share with people who are deluded with duality, they will think you are crazy. You are certainly not crazy. This is going to lead to things so wonderful, that you can’t even imagine right now, and most people, unfortunately, will never relate or investigate for themselves. The forum is a fine community for sharing these things. Don’t suppress or ignore, share. Give Jim Carrey a search on Youtube. He’s done some ‘fractal outbursts’, etc, and it might be comforting to see someone else going through the phases of waking up. It’s not happening ‘in your head’, you are not psychotic, there is most definitly God ☺️. A book or two, and some videos on nonduality will reveal to you much peace. Meditation also. That is why this is happening. Because you’re ready, and you can handle it. You’re waking up, to the adventure of a lifetime, follow that tease, those breadcrumbs of bliss. All is well. It’s supposed to be fun - but that will always be up to you. This kinda sums of life nicely, doesn’t it?..... “physical manifestations along with mystical experience”

Dude, there's no paradise. If someone kills himself he's going to disappear forever. And lose all life opportunites. There's no paradise and no female virgins awaiting you in the afterlife. I'm the same age as you and I was very hopeless and demotivated a few years ago. You can do it. Reconnect with nature, find bliss in just taking a break in the park with a bicycle, or walking. Feel the connection with pets, if you have one; bond with friends. You are just reinforcing the negative beliefs and this pattern is making your ego TRICK you into believing that suicide is good. It's not good, dude. It's just your ego subjugating you, and enslaving you with pessimism. This will help a lot. WATCH IT.

interesting, I'm female and I am definitely more interested in people, I actually make people so I need to know a lot about them lol I became interested in enlightenment because of people at first I just needed to fix my life which was mainly problems (suffering) with certain people, it was not spiritual at first at all, but it led me there I'm also very interested in reality and how things work and in finding what is true and what is not true but I'm not interested in those things just to know I'm interested in them because of what they lead to which is bliss, that's what I want is some of that the same for men?

Having a purified heart is a necessity for living in divine bliss. Many have guarded hearts and that blocks their spiritual progress. I wholeheartedly recommend this.

I've just had some profound and yet weird experiences. I wanna share and hear your thoughts. When I sit quietly in a restaurant ( I always eat alone) suddenly something went through me. I felt blissful. The whole world seemed to me like a dream ( I don't know if I deluded myself or not because to be honest I already watched Leo's video: Life is a dream). And all the desires for sex, power, money did not interest me anymore. If I had a wish at that moment, I just wanted to be nobody and stay in that moment for ever. I sat quietly for hours and came home. I meditated. Something strange happened: I remembered my weird dream. I was clear to me that the person being conscious in the dream was LITERALLY me. When that dream happened I identified myself as that man in the dream. My mind immediately contemplated: Could it be that in my awakening state I feel conscious and able to think but ACTUALLY there's a higher being that has that feeling and I'm just a vessel. I became conscious of all the irrational and stupid things I had done in the past. I felt every thought I had was not under my control. Moreover, I realized the mind was just a concept. I realized the difference between we (ordinary human beings) and geniuses is the latter not only have strong personality but also they're bestowed with more intelligence. The thought that comes to a genius's mind contains more insights and ideas than ours. 2 days after an insight came to my mind: Everything is unique in its own way. The Buddha is the Buddha, Einstein is Einstein. The Buddha cannot become intelligently at physics and maths as Einstein, simply because the Buddha is made out of certain elements that make him the Buddha. Albert Einstein cannot meditate because he's made out of certain elements that his mind always receives crazy insights. That insight feels a bit sad to me because it means we cannot change anything. The universe runs on its own accord. We're just the vessel. About EXPECTATION: In the way I see, people view enlightenment as something like super power. Honestly, Enlightenment is just an awareness-base pursuit. It does not make you as intelligent as Albert Einstein if the universe does not bestow you with that. I have a feeling enlightenment is not only not for everyone but also for people who are exceptionally gifted like scientists who have push their brain to the absolute limits and now they meditate as a way to surrender themselves in order to receive insights from the universe. The second type of people that are suitable for this path is the people who are not so creative. Their mind is quiet and that's why they can just sit and meditate. After hours meditation they receive insights about the nature of life and reality. It's clear to my that enlightened people are wiser than an average person. It's hard for enlightened beings to do stupid things because they're closely connected with their true feelings and they do not lie to themselves. However, enlightenment can make you lazy and passive. What would you expect from a person who has realized life is just a dream and he's got no control over anything? Do you really thing the person who has realized that has the motivation to go out there and compete with other people? I honestly don't see any chance for that. Take an example: Osho. He's no doubt enlightened. But what did he do through his life? Just meditate and bliss out in nothingness.

The trickery of the mind is of no concern. My mind is silent and in bliss for the most part. I call upon it if i need to do something practical. I have gone past the "I-am" state. Alas this is how we communicate in English.

@yawning_ Thing is my dude, stuff happens when within samadhi. Gems are seen and doors are opened, figures approach you and share their truths. Sometimes they merge with you and sometimes they don't. So yes, things can be said about samadhi. I am strictly speaking about higher states of enlightenment. Of course many neo-advaitans tell me that once you are self-realize, there is nothing more to it. They vehemently reject the notion that there are stages to enlightenment and that there is more to it than just void. I'd say in response that unless you are living in bliss, then you haven't gotten the full package yet. If all you have is void, then you have seen Shiva but not the Shakti. My question to all of you is this: Do you wake up in the middle of the night as your true self, in a dreamless void, brimming with bliss? Have you had all your identification mechanisms utterly crushed, so utterly that someone had to tell you what your name was? Can you follow the trail of your memory to ages past? These are all achievable. So when I ask what is after turquoise, what I meant was at what level of enlightenment does it end and coral begin? Self-realization? God-Consciousness? Shiva Consciousness? Moksha?

I thought I write this because its helpful to those of you here who have active Kundalini but not much knowledge about it: Short Description: Siddha Yoga is the Kundalini Path of enlightenment. Kundalini is divine energy which has manifested and upholds your current state of ignorance. In Siddha Yoga, truth or reality is described as having two aspects (which really are the same) known as Shiva, which is unmanifest potential (often described as pure void), and Shiva, dynamic creative energy which manifests the world within/from/as Shiva). Now after manifesting an individual, the Shakti resides as Kundalini within the body and lies dormant. In special cases, whether through divine grace, or the grace of a guru, the Kundalini can become active. It then works within your system and rewires it so your body can uphold higher and higher states of enlightenment. It will eventually leave its resting place at the base of the spine, reaches the top of the head, and merges with Shiva. The state of enlightenment is described as Sat (being-ness), Cit (Consciousness), Ananda (Bliss). Stages of enlightenment There are several stages of enlightenment (Consciousness) within this model: Ignorant - Self-explanatory Awakened - A person who has "awoken" to the spiritual path, and has begun to question the nature of reality (his own nature). Turyia - A transitory stage before self-realization. The person has begun to seriously doubt and dis-identify with the ego, but is helpless in doing so thanks to subtle identification mechanisms that have not been crushed yet. Dark night (or years) of the mind often happens right before/at this stage as the mind frantically search to find its true nature but cannot come up with an answer. Self-realized - He who has lost all identification with the body/mind/emotions/ego and moreover has lost the identification mechanisms bring about ignorance. God-Consciousness - The person begins to see the divine in everything around him but himself. He has achieved non-duality within, but there is still a duality between him and the outside world. The dark night (or years) of the soul begin here as the person sees (projects) god in everything but himself, and this makes him miserable). Unity Consciousness - The person unity between the inner and the outer. Duality stops here. Shiva Consciousness - Happens within Blue Consciousness where the individual soul merges with the blue being (Krishna, Mary, Jesus etc.) Practices A seeker in the Siddha Yoga path uses many methods to assist him. He can receive Shaktipat to arouse Kundalini. He can use self-inquiry to silence the mind. He can contemplate the nature of god as Sat, Cit, Ananda (which is called Dhyana, the true form of meditation). He can use kriyas and pranayamas to arouse more and more shakti within him.

Hypnogogic jerks are also known as sleep starts or hypnic jerks. They’re strong, sudden, and brief contractions of the body that occur just as you’re falling asleep. If you’ve ever been drifting off to sleep but suddenly wake with a jolt and a jerk of the body, you’ve experienced a hypnogogic jerk. I didn't know this Hypnic Jerk term prior to thinking about making this thread. Did a google search of what happened to me and this is what I got. I have experienced this before too, not just when meditating, but during school/class when boring and I am day-dreaming or falling asleep. So just today, during my meditation sit with eyes closed I guess I was getting sleepy and ready to fall asleep when this happened. Now each time this has happened to me, it's been the same experience. A very short+quick moment of blackness followed by that jolt which wakes/jerks you up. The time it takes is almost in an instant, almost like any deep-sleep state where no-matter if you slept for 5 mins or 5 hours, it feels the same - timeless. I was thinking that as I am trying to get the no-self experience during meditation, this happens... maybe it is at this point where I am about to get a glimpse but am unable to stay "conscious" through that process? One of the things, which is remarkably notable in that almost non-existent tiny moment of blackness is the deep relaxation/bliss which is felt. I would describe that brief relaxed moment as those mini sleeps we all get when we snooze our alarms. they pass by as if it took 0 seconds but they are so good. I could snooze all day on my day off just to enjoy those mini wake-ups and sleeps. so yeah, could this be just me dozing off to sleep and getting this state or could me wanting to get a no-self experience by clearing my mind have something to do with this... but as I am new to this, I am unable to sustain the experience?

Get ready because that bliss is going to end and you are going to be left with an expanded consciousness which is a double edged sword and must be respected