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@sarapr You must be very new to nonduality. Logic is just one facet of intelligence. However, you can't grasp nothingness with your logical mind and you can't use symbols to encapsulate reality. Your logical mind is finite, reality is infinite. When asked about enlightenment and nothingness, Bodhidharma replied - there is nothing to say, there is nothing to teach. However, you must study and learn, but you also must practise diligently. Find a balance between the two. I said this metaphor to someone here yesterday, but it illustrates what we are discussing quite well, so here it is: What disappears the moment you say its name? Answer: - Silence You see the more you try to explain what silence is to someone, the further from the truth you will be. The more words, language and sounds you make to explain what silence is, the more you will puzzle that person. The only way to understand silence is to stop philosophising about it, become quiet - and there it is. In his videos, Leo is using his finger to point at the moon and you are paying so much attention to his finger that you are missing the moon.

It has very little to do with what I want, or what Leo does. I can’t speak for Leo, and never followed his videos. He can speak for himself. What I am telling you is that the spiritual path , enlightenment, and awakening. Are not about philosophising. I became “enlightened” 4 years agoish, and nothingness just becomes evident upon awakening. My reality. I could “see” it, “feel” it, and “touch” it... sort of lol.

What I present here are Leo's original 65 core principles (plus 2 of my own), compiled and organized into an extremely helpful list to help orient you through life. I call it "The Compass." For this is a man-made tool to help guide you through the turbulent oceans and wild mountains of everyday life. This compass POINTS to Truth, but is itself just a collection of symbols. I have found this guide to be extremely accurate and useful in my own life so far. If you haven't already, please watch The 65 Core Principles Of Living The Good Life as Leo goes into much more juicy detail on each principle. All credit for this post goes to @Leo Gura. The first 4 principles are the purposes of life. Orient your life to embody these: Raise your consciousness. Raise your capacity to love. Take in the beauty of life. To feel alive! To not have a single day where you're just going through the motions. The key to this is to bring consciousness into every task, even the most mundane. Practice present conscious awareness and acceptance. There is no suffering to be found here. (This is my own principle I added) Ego is the root of all human problems and suffering. Self-deception. Self-bias. All fear, all judgment, all evil, all anger, and all suffering are delusion and falsehood. Do not demonize anyone. No ideology or dogma of any kind. Be radically open-minded. Recognize that you enter this world not knowing anything. You must explore all facets of reality without any pre-judgments, for you truly do not know a thing unless you've experienced it. Being close-minded cuts you off from direct experience. Also recognize that many of the deepest truths are counter-intuitive and will appear silly or crazy on the surface. Question everything. Especially the most "obvious" things, as those are often the most misunderstood. Question the outside world as well as your inside one. Literally. Everything. Direct experience is King. In order to cut through the bullshit of society and your own mind, ground yourself in your present direct experience. Do not judge things which you have not personally experienced. If someone talks to you about something you've never explored, keep your mouth shut and your ears open. Self-experimentation is the only way to truly find what works. This requires radical open-mindedness. Prioritize big picture thinking over technical knowledge. Care about philosophical and metaphysical matters. Genuinely care about the Truth no matter the cost. Love Truth for Truth's sake. The Vow; my blood. Genuinely intend to understand every point of view. Appreciate that the world is nothing but different perspectives. Integral thinking. Spiral dynamics stage yellow. From studying multiple perspectives, gain a meta-perspective at the intersections of all. What does that tell us about life? Every point of view is fundamentally partial; there is a sliver of Truth to be found in every perspective. Pull from hundreds of diverse sources. When you do this, the Truth gets triangulated and the big picture emerges. Lifelong learning and self-education. Cultivate a thirst for knowledge and wisdom. This process should never end. Do not be cheap with your self-education. Develop a system for taking notes and organizing the information, such as a commonplace book. Observation. The essence of learning is observation. It is through observation that insights come. Build your metaphysical connection to reality. This is what spirituality is. You are not an object that exists in the universe, you are existence itself; you ARE the universe. Do the opposite of what everyone else is doing (of course don't be dogmatic about it, be conscious of how you apply this). Reality is deeply counter-intuitive. Expect that reality will work the exact opposite of how you think it will, until you get experience with it. Absolute Truth exists, but it cannot be thought, imagined, communicated, spoken, written, proven, or argued. Nonduality is the ultimate Truth. Reality is perfect. Reality is infinite and God is a real thing. The word God points to infinity. You are God. Remove ego from this realization. You created yourself, you are everything. Only when you realize you are God will you take full responsibility for your life. Reality is not material. It is a giant mind. It is all imaginings within a mindscape, and mindscape is all that there ever is. All one. Life is a dream. And like a dream, it is possible to awaken from it. That is, to become lucid and stop taking it so seriously. 99.9+% of people are deluded and asleep, and they don't know about any of these deeper principles. Which means you can't look to others for guidance on this path. When it comes to your own well-being, you are essentially alone. This doesn't mean you can't find help in a specific avenue where someone has complete mastery of, like a doctor or therapist or counselor. However, very, very few people could ever provide you with proper guidance in big picture thinking, and the only true guidance is to look within yourself. It's all there. I understand that these principles serve as a compass to help orient me, not a Holy Book itself. Question everything, but do the work. All of these principles make sense to me now but wouldn't have just a couple years ago. This is only because of my direct experience. Society is still in the Dark Ages. We are still in adolescence as a species. Very pathological and dysfunctional. God is the devil. This is a distinction that collapses. When you understand, you'll stop seeing evil in the world, and that all the "bad" things do in fact have a higher purpose and intelligence behind them. All identity is relative and fluid. The goal is to dis-identify with your egoic constructions and to start aligning with one-ness and Truth. This is the trick to overcoming death. Or put another way, it is the trick to realizing you're already "dead," to overcome that fear. Out of this nothingness, you can truly start living. Everything is relative. A thing is only known in relation to something else. Prioritize context over facts. Recontextualization is an extremely helpful tool. Everything boils down to inner game. Your psychology. Everything you think is "external" is actually a reflection of you. Authenticity. In every facet of your life. Develop a life purpose. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Without this, you get the default--mediocrity. Be a strategic motherfucker. The 7 pillars of strategic thinking are: 1. Strategic Intent, 2. Strategic Analysis, 3. Strategic Preparation, 4. Concentration of Force, 5. Detailed Execution, 6. Adaptability, 7. Study of Principles. Watch Leo's video with the same title. Take 100% responsibility. Anything less is suffering. Be a leader. Be proactive. Be decisive. Take risks. Be a creator. Tap into the joy of creativity. Provide massive value to mankind. Become a master at something. This should directly be tied to your life purpose. Reason and rationality cannot be trusted. All the highest insights are trans-rational. Embrace confusion, paradox, and not knowing. Develop emotional mastery. It is emotion that dominates the reasoning process. Integrate the masculine and the feminine. Do not lie. (my own rule, but one worth saying. Of course, follow this consciously. This should be 99%+ true, not necessarily 100%. Be aware that in many cases you feel like you should lie, there's a way to structure the truth in a way that's more acceptable. You should never tell a bold-faced lie. By lying, you actually poison yourself and stray from authenticity.) Do not manipulate. Satisfy your base needs so that you stop craving. Using Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs to self actualize video. Master your basic survival and livelihood. Learn business. Learn how money works. Keep your life simple and spartan. Practice minimalism. When your life frees up, the ego mind will seek to fill it with various obligations, commitments, and distractions. Use that time instead for personal development. Be a systems thinker. Develop an awareness for the ecological interconnectedness of things. Leo's Intro to systems thinking video. Think ecologically. How are you impacting the world? Be conscious. Happiness is only possible with enlightenment. No material possessions will ever make you happy. This is more certain than the laws of physics. Learn to be happy all by yourself. If you can't be happy sitting on your couch doing nothing, then you can't truly be happy. "Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god." -Aristotle Development AND Awakening; not one or the other, not one above the other. Without practice, exercises, and techniques, there will be no results. Theory alone, while important, will not produce much results. Here are the most important and powerful practices for personal growth: psychedelics, meditation, meditative yoga, journaling, contemplation, self-inquiry, visualization, and solo retreats. Plan to meditate for one hour every day for the rest of your life. Do not turn Actualized.org into an ideology.

@SoonHei That's a good mantra, I'm gonna use that one. Maybe work it into my Neti Net practice or something. I'm presuming this is something I haven't experienced yet, not just the awareness that can easily become an 'I' thought. One thing that confuses me about spirituality is....is it just awareness that's the goal? We focus on awareness with no thoughts and then we say 'aha - that's enlightenment. If I can stay in that place without thoughts I'm enlightened!' Or are we something more than awareness? Because awareness is all I can find. Teachers like Rupert Spira will say 'it's very simple, just focus on awareness,' whilst others will tell you that it takes 40 years to ride the Ox and experience non dual nothingness. If I'm something more than awareness, how do I access that?

Heavily use of Mdma... I knew there is something more and that i can naturally feel that love , awarness. After this video i am doing Self inquiry all day long ... Couple days ago awakening happend only nothingness awareness was there no monkey mind no beliefs just wow. Now i am trying to go to that place until it’s permanent.

@Elysian Thats exactly right. But its even deeper than that. That's why i don't consider OCD - the doubt disorder - to be an illness. It's just as much an illness as it is a gift. If you truly have OCD you also have a direct sense into the gateless gate. For that is what OCD is. You sense the uncertainty of the nothingness. That's why i believe you can become enlightened much easier (without pyschedelics) as with what happened with me. All the pieces must be in place of course. Having OCD is just part of it. For me it was decades of running unconsciously from the nothingness and the OCD although paradoxically sensing i needed to run towards it...to look inward and be the emptiness. So those with OCD do not despair for you have the keys to the gateless gate. You just have to find it. On a less deep note the others all make valid points. In order to manage your OCD you have to be self aware and aware of when the obsessive thoughts come up..to let them pass and remember they are not you and are illusory. This is the essence of mediatation and self actualization anyway. Its just a shame most OCD sufferers don't even know what they have and even if they do they believe that their thoughts are them and real and the guilt of their thoughts will slice through their being. So meditation and self awareness are the keys to managing OCD.

Don't have ideas or expectations like "the individual experiencing their own energy as the energy of the entire universe." Such expectations are always misleading. If you are looking for "something more" -- which you seem to be -- then you should inquire into who is doing that looking. You are telling me that the I is "out of nothingness," but if that were so there wouldn't be a feeling of a desire for something more, or a question about what to pursue. Any hint of dissatisfaction or any sense that "I've got to figure out what to do next" suggests the presence of old thinking and emotional patterns that are pulling back into identification with the body-mind. Find the clarity and thought-free peace beyond dissatisfaction that you are, and return to it over and over till these patterns are extinguished.

Hey Winterknight.... So I have been holding the feeling of God is I, or I is God, as much as possible. It has given me a very peaceful perspective, that change in me has been noticeable. I have also kept up on Self-Inquiry. I feel I have developed a really good sense of my, or the, "unknowable source", and my relationship to it. There have been many great insights regarding Oneness, and the connectivity and the structure of all things. These haven't come as the result of any real effort to have them, they just seem to appear while doing the Self-Inquiry exercise. I genuinely feel as though the concept of Oneness and God is an absolute truth, but unfortunately this has not yet been verified by experience. I have always read about the experience of God Consciousness as the individual experiencing their own energy as the energy of the entire universe. Is my thinking to limited on this? Is there something I am missing, or something that I can do to trigger such an experience? Or is it really just a matter of waiting on grace now? As a note... I can't say that the "I" has a describable feeling for me now. It just is out of nothingness. If nothingness is God, the "I" is the eye of God. That's the only way I can describe my Inquiry of it (shout out to David R Hawkins). Is the concept of "is-ness" with regard to "I" maybe something that needs to be pursued? If so, how would one approach that?

Hoy! Little update about my practice: Still doing it after 6-7 months (around 45 minutes per day). A few interesting experiences but I did not progress as much as I was expected. Not so long ago during 1 or 2 weeks I felt like I was resting in beingness/nothingness/parvastha but only for a few seconds. One day, it felt like falling into a whole, I got scared and unwillingly stop the process. Now I do not feel I'm resting in parvastha state anymore. I even feel like I have regressed. Anyway, I still like Kriya yoga, at least, much more than other style of meditation I used to do. I will keep on doing it for a year and see where it brings me. I will soon start to do the preparation exercices before I do Kriya Pranayama as explained in Ennio Nimmis pdf, part III (btw if you don't feel like reading the whole thing ,Part III is the most interesting part). Have you tried these preparation exercices? Do you feel like you are able to rest in the Being/Paravastha state at the end of your routine?

Playing VR games have made me more accepting to the idea of everything being illusion. When you play an immersive VR game for 30-60 minutes and you remove your headset, you really notice that the only difference between the virtual and this world is that you believe this one to be the "real" world. But when you go back into that virtual world, then it becomes _the_ reality, and this reality where Im writing this post becomes a memory. Physics of this world become a memory, and im instantly living and accepting how things work in the virtual world. This "real" world feels real only after I remove the headset to come back from the virtual one. That gives me an idea. Maybe I can trick my brain to "removing the headset" and entering a state of nothingness

@Preetom @winterknight Has similar way of self inquiry that led me to lets say self relasation... with Meditation you cant realy go that deep. Yes I am ~ is pure awareness without objective qualities its beautiful nothingness

Leo Gura. Just because he's so involved in his work, studying, and teaching people about so many facets of personal development, I think he would have so much to offer besides just meditating and talking about enlightenment. He's a lot closer to my age, he's sharp, and still on the upward spiral. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like some old enlightened masters would recognize that the only true thing to talk about is "present moment" "focus" "practice" "what is there to know?" "There is no I" and then give you a bunch of fucking Koans to meditate on. In adopting the groundless nothingness, you probably lose a lot of friendliness and relatability. If I'm going to spend the day with an enlightened person, I'd want him/her to be more relatable, still working through some things, be "real," and working on their life purpose. That's just my two cents

I was watching one of Leo's videos, specifically on society accepting psychedelics and something dawned on me. Let me preface this that a few weeks ago i experienced enlightment and a non-dual mystical experience the likes of which I have never ever before experienced. Everything I believed as materialist changed in an instant. The whole experience lasted a week, and got so deep that i understood everything about the universe, a complete understanding as Leo has described in his experience with absolute infinity. But then, it REALLY sunk in - it became all too real - and I hit my knees as I truly understood what Leo meant by the question - can you stomach the truth? I was of course looking at just one side of the coin - the nothingness side of the coin - but it still hit me hard that we were in a dream and of no physical substance. After that I experienced Ego backlash the likes of which was off the charts. I have continued to meditate but i have not been able to achieve the same types of experiences, although with music i can achieve very brief mystical experiences. I believe my ego could not stomach it, and completely shut it down. So this my friends is the ultimate question. Even if we legalize pyschedelics and everyone becomes enlightened - will they be able to stomach the truth? Could it be that that's why this hasn't become the mainstream yet, and could it be possible that it might never? That society will try to cover this up for thousands of years to come? Leo specifically mentioned that there are negative aspects to pyschedelics as you go deep inside yourself, and you have to be mentally prepared for it. Some even might not be able to stomach it at all and could potentially take their lives. So as wonderful as the truth is, and I agree with leo that we need to know the truth so that we can self-actualize and continue our consciousness work for the remainder of our lives and separate ourselves from our ego until our ego is basically locked up in a small prison cell until our death. This may have been what was supposed to be the destiny of mankind, but if you notice even in Leo's videos of late he is starting to realize the "realness" of the whole thing and part of it can be hard to handle. So my question is, can mankind really stomach the truth? Many I believe can, but many i believe cannot and will not. Even if everyone becomes enlightened, once they become deep enough enlightened when the real truth actually sinks in it may be so hard to stomach that their ego will completely shut it down, preferring to live in a false reality over the truth of reality. That, friends, is the ultimate question.

First of all, I will describe the experience so that we are on the same page about what we are talking about. The experience tends to go generally along the lines of this: 1. through yoga, or meditation, the mind becomes reasonably still. There are still thoughts, but the mind is so still that the body feels like it isnt being controlled by anything. The ego still exists but its not the focus or in control of anything. I like the analogy I heard for this feeling: "its like your supported by steel at either ends of your consciousness". 2. The world seems like its fading away. I don't know how to describe this. Its like going to sleep, except you're wide awake. Also you don't feel tired. Maybe you could say its like you're entering a void? Literal nothingness? 3. The scary part. In yoga at least (not sure about self inquiry because I haven't had this experience through any other way except kundalini type practices) this is where you feel heaps of energy permeating your body. The energy feels like a more strong, intense version of 'a chill up your spine'. Again I don't know how to describe this feeling. When you go to the gym sometimes you can feel it. Its similar to that energetic burning sensation. 4. If you keep going with the 'world is fading away' step, using the energy to explode the world, it feels like you could die. Like literally, forever. None of this you will come back crap. Maybe I'm wrong and my ego is just over reacting, but it certainly feels extremely scary. First of all the lost control over your body means you can't stop it after a certain point, and your heart tends to rise to levels that could kill you, if I'm not over reacting. Has anyone ever exceeded through step 4? How did you make sure that you didn't get hurt? What was the circumstances that led you there? Would you recommend people to exceed past step 4? I've never tried psychedelics, but would be super interested if someone out there has had this experience using a psychedelic like lsd or something.

Almost a month ago I've had the Most Important Experience in my life, and here I want to put it all out because I want to be of service to those brave hearts, who entered this interesting and scary path of Truth, share some wisdom from Martin Ball and also I need your opinions and perspectives on what has happened and what it was about. First, I will show the table of contents, so you understand what will be discussed: Story itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa The most beautiful people I've ever met Kambo Octavio Rettig - the bravest warrior First session - Screaming Baby (With M.Ball comment) Second Session - Am I Dead? Third Session - Birth of The Men (With M.Ball comment) After-effects Ego strikes back (With M.Ball comment) There is so much work to do Ending Questions Story Itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Okay, so I'm 23 y.o. and I'm from Russia, Saint-Petersburg About 4 years ago I was lucky enough to know about the Leo's channel while searching in the Internet on "how to deal with depression". I was at my first course of getting a degree and life seemed very boring, very stupid and did not make any sense, so I've started to learn about life, going to psychotherapist, reading books and watching Actualized.org videos and meditating. Years go by, I've improved myself and my despair turns into Curiosity. I was learning more about meditation, enlightenment, have some profound but stupid experience with Nbome (high harm potential), than I was on the Ayahuasca retreat and keep contemplating more about Nature of Reality and working with purification of self from traumas. Because of my ADHD (in Russia doctors know about it even less than an average American) it's hard for me to keep on long run for achieving something, so thats why when I've heard about 5-meo-dmt I become very intrested in working with it - I'm ready to do the steps which are better despite the fact that they are harder. In 2017 Leo leaked on the Blog information about Bufo Alvarius retreat in Barcelona. When I wrote to organisator there already was no room for participation. So the next year, when letter was dropped to my inbox I was excited so much, so I booked a place for myself immediately. I was very determined to go there and my goals were - 1) To realize the True Nature of Everything by my own experience 2) To connect more with my heart, which was really numb. Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa For those, who are really interested in participation I want to share some information about environment and atmosphere around the place. The cost of the whole retreat was 550 euro, in that price was included: accommodation in the villa from 12th to 16th of July, three meals a day, Kambo ceremony, smoking toad venom with Octavio Rettig (I've made it 3 times). Villa was located in the Catalonian hills near little town, it's specifically prepared for events like Ayahuasca ceremony, San-Pedro etc. There is no houses around, so nobody can interrupt by accident. The house was big and very cozy, if you are alone you'll live in the common room for other men/women. But there was also a space for couples. Food was simple but very good (and Spanish). Environment was perfect - crickets made their natural trance music all the time, trees and mountains on the horizon was as beautiful as the night sky full of stars which you will never be able to see in a big city. The most beautiful people I've ever met The atmosphere was very cozy, the owners of villa - old spanish couple, which were very very kind and funny (they were hippies in the past). There was 30 people who was participating in the retreat (about 50% women, 50% men) and you can't even imagine how deep I was fulfilled because of the reason that I can have a real-life conversations about life/death/purpose/enlightenment/psychedelics etc. Those were the bravest and the most open people I've met in my life and the whole retreat was bounded with love and compassion to each other. Of course it was possible also because of the atmosphere of retreat and maybe if we've met in the metro or bank queue I'd never feel anything like this. But thats why setting is very important and there it was very good. I've met about 4 or 5 people who was watching Actualized.org - and those were the youngest ones). I've met a 21 girl from Europe, who already has had an experience with Bufo in the last year and after that she was going non-dual from time to time. Also I've met a guy from British Islands who has got his Life Purpose course done and his experience with 5-meo was very very profound, he has done a great job and it was very satisfying to see that we are not just mental masturabators, who pretend that they are Spiritual or Developed, but really are brave young human beings who are ready to do hard and scary work to become better and know what the fuck this strange Reality is! Kambo For me it wasn't feeling very profound. I was doing it for the first time, so it was a little dosage of frog nectar for me. So, I've made a half bucket of my own vomit, let a lot of my shit on the toilet (this one about holding emotions inside). When you do Kambo ceremony the next day is the day, when you feel lighter, more energetic and free. But for me it was very hard to recognize is it working or not. I have hard times feeling my body and sensations which occur (I'm very "in mind" person) and also I was so happy for an opportunity to communicate with so much interesting people, so it felt like even without any medicine I would feel myself very energetic and happy!) Octavio Rettig - the bravest Warrior Oh, this one is huge, so I don't even want to go deep. I'll be short: this men touched the darkest bottom of his Ego while have been addicted to crack-cocaine in Mexico and from skinny half-dead junky he turned himself to be the most authentic, inspiring and selfless human being I've ever seen. I recommend you to read his book "The Toad of Dawn" and learn more about him and his work. But you'd better be prepared - he won't crouch with your Ego and expectations about reality and how something should be. If you had a cocaine addiction and came to him for cure, it's not necessary that he will be kind with your Ego. He will be as it is required, because he knows very very well in what kind of shit hole you are. For me personally Octavio is a hero and an example of Man, who is not domesticated by collective Ego. It does not mean that he is cruel or harsh, quite the opposite. It feels like Universe is going through him without any filters and for those, who are used to politically correct media entertainment he can be shocking a little, so you better prepare yourself. P.s. Dr. Rettig has more than 8000 ceremonies in his practice, but It is true, that he has lethal cases in his experience: 3 people died while participating in the ceremony. 2 old men by some heart issue and one 26 years old women, whose cause of death is unknown to me. For 8000 - 3 people is a very little statistic, I guess more people die from skiing. So if you decide to participate you better know your health situation and know, that is not a fucking joke. Go see some videos about him and his work: VICE Documentary about Bufo Alvarius First Session - Screaming Baby After the first breath, I remember just how much everything was before my eyes turned into a bunch of "pixels" that broke visible reality into thousands of energy circles. My whole body began to dissolve in infinity. There was only breathing and singing Octavio. The energy was very very overwhelming for this unprepared mind and body I remember how I was found myself lying down and screaming as loudly as it was possible. As I unwillingly shouted and tore the grass under my hands, and Octavio sang next to me and seemed to help me. My scream reminded me of myself. When I came back conscious, I laid on my back and sat on me, speaking English: "Welcome brother, welcome." I looked at him and my heart was full of self-pity, I felt tears in my eyes and took his hand. People gathered around me because of my scream, I looked around trying to understand what exactly happened. Octavio gathered people into a common circle and began to say gratitude to the earth, God and sun, and then to sing and jump. I looked around and tried to understand what had happened. My knees shook and tears streamed down my cheeks. P.s. When I come back to Russia I had questions which I've asked Martin Ball about some issues and reactions which had happened with me. Here are some of his answers on my screaming: Second Session - Am I Dead? Surprisingly, almost all the times when I came to my senses after trips I felt the need to attract attention and hoped that something extraordinary had happened to me. This is some strange game of the Ego, which I still do not understand. I completely do not remember what happened during the trip, but I remember when I started coming back, that the atmosphere around me seemed very restless. I had false memories of Octavio hanging over me with a worried look, I heard someone beside him nauseating and vomiting, Octavio spoke Spanish, and I thought he was worried. In the window the organizer was talking to someone on the street. It seemed to me that everything went downhill. It seemed that I was dead and that's why people around are worried. I could not believe it, but at the same time I felt embarrassed and regretted that it happened. "Did I really die? That sucks." I tried to get up from the grass and see if my body remains on the ground. Fortunately, everything was in order. A beautiful girl (assistant) came up to me and I told her that I was worried and thought that I was dead. She said that I lay still and looked peaceful. It turned out that in reality nothing extraordinary happened or disturbed. It just "seemed" like that for me. Later, when I approached Octavio and said "I thought I was dead," he said "Next time we'll kill you for sure". Third Session - Birth Of The Man For the third time, I inhaled the smoke of the substance and held it in my lungs. I looked straight ahead and tried to keep awareness. The grass, the horizon in front of me and the celestial vault again turned into "pixels." I can not track the time between when I was "cut down". But the video shows that I started screaming and rolling on the ground even more intensively than in the previous times. I grabbed my face and cried with all my might, it seemed to me that it was necessary to shout. It was so intense that at some point it seemed to me that from crying my head would burst in two, starting from the mouth. Several people took my hands and feet to move away from people who were sitting in the shade. Then, as the video shows, I was blown into the nose of "Rapé", first into one nostril, then to the other. I paused and in half a minute Octavio pulled me up so that I would rise to my feet. I stood opposite to him and held my hands to his shoulders. After a few seconds I began to make growling sounds and said, looking into his eyes: "You fucking made it!", And then "You are warrior!" And grabbed him by the hair. Octavio shouted and asked me to let go, but I did not. Several men came to the rescue. Octavio got out of my grip, and I teased and rambled incoherently. When Rodrigo helped Octavio break free from my hands, I turned my attention to him and began to tell him "I love you so much", "Let me kiss you!", "Do you find me sexy?". When I said these phrases I feel a sense of playfulness and insane self-confidence, as well as satisfaction. It was not a flirtation (I guess), it was a celebration of life in a healthy male young body. I was happy and showed everyone around that I'm alive and free, I love myself, life and the whole world! Then I, enjoying the feeling of free energy and excitement and ecstasy from life, began to say "I love myself!" "I'm a beast!". I felt myself as if my entire body was free and spoke with sensations "Finally! At last everything is as it should have always been! ". I showed everyone around, to my friends who knew the Truth to a greater or lesser extent, that I'm free and happy. I felt and showed that life is the triumph of itself in all manifestations and we can only love, enjoy and express ourselves to the full, because everything is PERFECT in itself and nothing matters. P.s. Here I also have a commentary from Martin Ball After Effects Ego strikes back So before plane has even touched mother Russia's ground, I was back to my weak-willed behaviour. Our last night in spain was in Barcelona so we went to a McDonalds , I've made some sandwiches with baloney and cheese etc. It's hard for me to keep a clean diet (I guess because of weak vision). When I was back to Russia the first couple of days was kinda normal. I met my friends, told them about my experience, even made a lot of notes about it. But without any doubts I was aware that I have not a fucking clue about what should I do with my life. I was anxious and knew that I've got commitments on a job which I must follow, but wasn't able to push myself and for a couple of weeks my After-life was about watching youtube and porn, reading books (cause I didn't have a problem with doing something that I love), eating unhealthy food and feeling myself not very good. Also I've bought the Life Purpose course almost a year ago and couple month ago, almost at the end of it, I've started to procrastinate on it very badly. I was aware that my problem revolves around lack of vision and purpose. And as I understand it - enlightenment is something that is hard to make the purpose itself. Purpose is more about impact on the world. But even I was aware, I didn't have strength to work with the course. But after the retreat I realized that beating and judging yourself is never an option. Love is really the answer, you can think about it like the gasoline, which needed to run the engine. The less love you have, the less strengths and ability to do something good you also have. When I've reached the point of apathy, which made me too worried (cause I really started to behave in the direction of loosing job) I also asked Martin Ball about that issue, and here what he's answer was: Yeah, so I tried to not hate myself and abuse with negative thinking and try to let everything go until something will happen by itself. My relatives asked me to live in their countryside apartments with cats and a dog, while they have a vacation. So I went there and first couple of days I wasn't doing anything except drinking coffee and racing in GTA Online. And what I find very nice - I was really having fun while playing. Really! I was laughing, while sitting alone because of excitement of races! I really started to feel something new inside my heart) At some point, I even had a bad conversation with my boss, after which she said that I no longer need to come to work! I was very frustrated with my job, because I lost any sense of how is my job connected to my heart and generating love and fulfillment. And you need to understand, after I came back from retreat the option of me dying or going broke or getting fired was not scary for me as much. Because I testified by myself, not by Leo's or someone else video, books or articles - I'm THE FUCKING NOTHINGNESS! I am the NUCLEAR REACTOR which always on the half-life! I am THE MOST UNEXPECTED BY ANY MIND! I AM THE MOST LOVING CHILD AND THE MOST PERVERTED PEDOPHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY! So do you really think I was bothered about the perspective of becoming broke or fired? No, not really. There is so much work to do But I was aware, that every game has its own rules. And now, when I become aware of the game very well It becomes even harder to do some stupid nonsense, which I don't love. And this makes me even more responsible. So I realized it and become very determined to finish my course. I've made all the remaining exercises and now I have my Life Purpose in the one concrete sentence and I have a vision which become more solid every day. Now my goal is to embody my Purpose - understanding as deep as possible Spiral Dynamics, Mysticism and Spirituality, purify myself, move to Netherlands, become a consultant and become great, because I really want to love myself, without intimidation. At that point of my Journey I find hard to understand the nondual nature of everything to the point, where I can do some stupid work and still enjoying being. P.s. After I've become aware of my Life Purpose and Vision it have become much easier to do stupid job for paying my bills, because I understand that it's a tool for sometheng bigger. I was searching for the Purpose, without it any job seems shitty. Now I'm doing it from the place of Love, not from worries, anxiety and fear. Here is something what Martin said about Love and Being: And a little bit about surrender: Ending That was a very big one, but after I went to the retreat where were so many people, who can share my pain and my joy, I'm starting to really appreciate the importance of Unity and Friendship. I want to feel a bound with those of you, who went through these trials and tribulation. I want to say, that I am not 100% sure in any of what I've said. I'm really not sure that I get even 5% of my experience right and am not a deluded mothefucker with very slippery mind. Thank you very much for attention and now I dare to ask even more. Please, help me understand myself more and where I'm at. I will ask some of questions that occur, but I'm also waiting your honest comments and maybe even debunking of my thoughts and insights. Also thank Leo very much for his work, I think I could probably have killed myself in the past, if not having had such a great tool for growth. If anybody wants to communicate with me/ask about anything/participate in the next Retreat etc - You are very very welcome to my inbox P.s. Sorry for my English, I'm not aware where exactly I have a mistakes, so it's hard to fix it) Questions Based on the text you read, where do you think I'm on the spiral dynamics? Based on the text you read, where do you think I was and am on the Hero's Journey? What do you think I really missed? Where do you think I really delude myself? What you feel or think about everything or something that you read? What conclusions did you draw after reading? Based on the text you read how you will characterized me in one sentence? Do you have any advice for me? Why you think it can help growth or realize myself?

@winterknight Okay, this frictionless undisturbance is there, but i would call it nothingness, rather than bliss. It is not pleasant in any way. Sometimes it is unpleasant, but that aspect usually goes away when inquiry is made into it. But it is never experienced as being actually pleasant, sometimes a gentle joy like i said. Really, it's neutral, like nothingness.

Yao Take this in for a sec Really try to get this - intellectually at least Your entire experience (centered from your point of view) in a dream "appears/happens" to you... The you which is sleeping on the bed and not in the world of that dream in any way at all That entire experience, if it can be called an object is ONE It is one experience - the you in the dream from which the Point of View is based on is not separate from the dream world You and the dream world are ONE OBJECT appearing/happening to your (dreamer's) awareness. That's how this current state is. It's all ONE now where is the dreamer who it is happening to? It is NOBODY/NOTHING it just is... Yet something sees and is aware of it. You are THAT. That blank empty nothingness which watches/sees/is All.

Would you agree that the illusion of duality and everything, sprung from nothingness and the simple sense of being? Because that's my conclusion after realizing that I is God.

So the Nothingness over there is getting offended if it's called "you"?

This brings up a question I have that I’d love a more in depth answer on, even though you’ve touched on it in some of your videos on your blog: there’s a lot of different things people can awaken to... Unconditional divine love Infinite intelligence The “mind of God” Ones true nature What existence/life is Nothingness The collapse of the real vs unreal and how life is a dream What the mind is What is another Obviously can keep probably keep going on. My question is more along the lines of... what determines one’s degree of depth of these different facets of enlightenment? As that doesn’t seem to be something I hear a lot of teachers talk about but I remember you’ve talked about on your vlogs on your blog, particularly on your 30 day meditation challenge, how when you’re taking those daily rounds of 5-MeO that you can’t see how a human being can possibly awaken to facets that deep. There seems to be depths of awakening of even particular facets. For example someone can awaken to No-Self on a shallow level and someone can awaken to No-Self in a radically deeper way. Would love to get your take on this matter as I don’t hear it talked about that much

It seems like the mind can look around, see lots of things and imagine One enormous inter-connected Everything. It seems you would consider this a half-step, because there is still the image of lots of inter-connected thing. And the Everything itself could be imagined as a thing. Yet, it is possible for perception to go further? I can look around my room and see One inter-connected Everything. I've touched upon a level in which the inter-connected dissolves and there is simply One. Yet as you said this still suggests a One that is a thing. So, what would be "seen" at the next level? All those things, or the One Everything just doesn't disappear and the brain goes blind. If a dog chased me, my brain could recognize the entity. Is it closer to Truth to say the brain still perceives "things", yet there is an underlying "seeing" of Nothingness?

Entry 367 | The Crash Hello journal. It's good to see you again. I'm sorry for neglecting you. Lots of things have happened since we last spoke and I'm here to tell you about them now. My monkey mind has been desperately trying to take over my attempts to apply this self-actualisation work. It even went so far as to sway me into having a car crash that could have been fatal. I'll never forget it: how this world, which has felt concrete and stable in its design throughout my life, suddenly vanished without a trace. Any sense of "me" or "my life" was erased in an instant. All that was left was nothingness. When I came around, I realised just how easy it was for this existence to be remoulded like clay. It felt like waking up to a new existence with no clue what just happened. The accident taught me just how important it is to follow the path of self-actualisation. It's not something that you can just try for a year or two just because you heard somewhere that it's good for you. It's not something that you can just casually abandon once you have committed your life to it. True and proper self-actualisation is something that can save your life. This is now a few weeks after the crash and still I notice resistance hidden within me. Resistance to want to work hard and learn hard. Resistance to strive for something better. Always resistance. But one thing I can't resist is how it felt to (in a manner of speaking) "see God." It terrifies me, the ego. Fortunately, it wasn't death but there was no conscious way of telling the difference. But as terrifying as it is to contemplate that everything about who we are and how we live is utterly meaningless, there must also be some positive lesson equally powerful to counterbalance the neutrality of unconsciousness. A personal way of looking at it might bring up the question "why am I still alive?" And although it would be nice to think that God believes that there's still work to be done on my part in this world, neutrality would suggest that this would be just an interpretation. The truth is right here and right now. The truth is in the existence of these words. The truth is beautiful. And so, may this journey of life continue with detachment from outcome and peace of mind knowing that the place we will all reach in the end is forgivingly neutral. Pick of the day:

Yes this is the absolute in the relative of human form. If something is absolute, it is not non-dual as it is something opposed to nothing. If I referred to nothingness, I meant no-thingness. Which is literally no-thing, but also not nothing. It is relative and therefore unlabeable as it is no-thing. If truth arises, no truth or belief arises. Truth is only truth opposed to no truth or belief. As knowledge is only knowledge opposed to no knowledge. It is just a creation of the self trying to label something, by labeling it. The self is very stubborn and tries to hold onto things by trying to label something to identify to. To have a sense of grip, an illusion to be in control of your consciousness as being something out there as a source. You can identify with a so-called truth or knowledge. This truth or knowledge only exist in the mind. This mind is open for everything. I can put any truth in it, but it will only be my truth. I can put any knowledge in it, but it would only be my knowledge. Absolute in the relativity of my mind. The truth is in my mind and the belief is outside my mind. The knowledge is in my mind and no knowledge is outside my mind. My mind can verify things, therefore claim a truth, outside my mind there is no verification, therefore no truth or belief.

Yes I do get what your saying and glad you shared it, since I was trying to expand my understanding of Buddhist thought and realization. That said, I dont necessarily think its the ultimate or final understanding. Hell dont even want to say that since it may be impossible to make such a claim. But I think what Seratoninlove is pointing to and perhaps others as well (I agree with them) is there is a recognition that is not relative, that is understood and realized (and yes within the human form), that is termed nothingness/infinity/god/nondual in Hinduism I believe and other practices which isn't clear you actually understand or have seen, perhaps since your awaking is just enough and you no longer need/want to seek more (your questions have been answered, your awake and happy, and that is fine), but none the less doesn't mean you've seen and understood everything. Then again you later made a comment that alluded to the nothingness that you leave unlabeled is the same as what Seratonin/others/me are talking about, and "maybe" it is, but if you don't understand or see that this nothingness/infinity/nondualness is the source and ground of it all, is in everything and is You and I and is not relative, is and always was the source, then no its not the same. It really may not be that important honestly since the understanding doesn't create happiness and freedom necessarily, its just more knowledge and Truth. So if your happy and understand reality to the degree your happy with and can help others, do so, just keep an open mind there is always more, and in this case, there is this piece of Truth you haven't understood, which again, doesn't mean you need/have to.

Love is THE answer. But not the love we think we know. And yes, self-love is super important. It is not loving your ego, it is loving yourself when you see who/what "you" really are. It is being the love that IS everything which you are. I see myself and many other individuals transform immensely from this insight and its practical results. It is a question of nuance, but love is what is intrinsic in truth. As soon as you see that, your heart will open up. I'm not here to argue with you. I'm interested to hear why you think it is not an answer to anything? What else is the answer to suffering, anger, sadness, fear? Is it nothingness? Is it more suffering? I'm meaning that very practically as in the OP's question.