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was going over some trip reports and found this to be extremely shocking and terrifying that so many reports of bad trip reports have a line which kinda goes like this: I thought it couldn't get any worse and THEN IT DID! A LOT WORSE and it KEPT! GETTING! WORSE! that in-itself shows the boundless/limitless nature of reality how can there ever be the worst possible pain? if it could be quantified in some way then say if the pain level reached that highest quantified level, what's there stopping it from adding +1 to it. just like the infinity of the numbers in maths although, there does seem to be a recognition / feeling of a level which is known to BE the worst/BEST - the one having a non-dual samadhi experience feels infinite bliss/pleasure... INFINITE! how can infinite be felt? yet it is known that this is the best/highest there is just like that, there may also be infinite pain (resistance to what-is X 10000000000.... ) these could be the depths of the hell where lost souls may dwell to post the "death' of the physical body and if they arent in-tune with their mind or have a super guilt full consciousness just a rant.

If my life still sucks at 30 then I’ll find some Zen temple in Sweden for real. But Im working hard to find bliss in everyday life.

I had an insight that the only reason we use drugs/alcohol ect.. is subconsciously most aren't aware but they reminded of us how we felt like when we are still pure, young children vibing high and full of life and love/bliss. Years later when we found something that makes us happy and child-like again, i can see why it becomes extremely addictive. We miss being ourselves so we use these substances to escape this dark world we have collectively bought into that helps us let go and be our free spirited selves again for a little while. The only problem is, we are not learning the lesson so we keep going back for more.

The whole event is a wake up call and has built in meaning on a collective level. Everything in life from accidentally stepping on an ant to the biggest event in media has equal degree of meaning/effect/reason/importance ect.. As you rise in awareness, every single thought, word, action, feeling, experience will start to make more and more sense that how it plays out is exactly how you set it out to be and how each and every one of those things happened in a specific way to how you got to where you are at this precise moment. DMT and like substances can show you this more directly but ultimately, spending more time in solitude, in nature, away from mental/emotional/physical stimulation of any sort will allow awareness to rise and be more ever-present so you can see clearly because when you involve and surround yourself in an environment that is more dominant in physical, mental, emotional aspects of life than spiritual, then awareness becomes clouded and inefficient. You miss out on the Magic of life because the more in the NOW you are the more you see with the pure awareness instead of seeing mental, emotional projections ect.. When you notice everything, that's when you know you are NOW. That's why in the NOW you are purely in a state of awe and bliss because you notice so much that is usually missed out on when attached to the projection rather the awareness.

To me it is mostly recreational, however there are some important lessons you can learn from it. It might be more "spiritual" (lol) if you do it completely alone, but to me that is not an option. I need people around on MDMA. So instead of taking it alone, take it with people/someone you feel safe around. Then, when peaking, isolate yourself from the group for some minutes (or just sit down somewhere and close your eyes, but don't get distracted by external stuff). You will probably just want to dance and pour your heart out to people. But if you want to use it for "personal development", isolate yourself and introspect. Ask yourself: Why am I not always this happy? What has changed compared to being sober? What is this ecstasy I am feeling, what is it really ? Then, just meditate. Let yourself fall into that feeling of bliss. Do this and MDMA will almost feel like LSD Then, go back to your friends and share that love ;-)

@Shin lol it’s not about ‘realising the dream’. The reason you’re not seeing the dream already is because the ego has distorted your entire sense of reality to fit its survival needs. It’s not just about realising that you’re in the dream and it’s finished. Thousands of people have enlightenment experiences during their meditation were they realise the dream, but because the ego is still intact, it pulls them back down to baseline consciousness. Most people don’t realise how big they’re egos are. It’s ginormous. It will take A LOT of undoing of the ego to live in permanent enlightenment and bliss. Lol if enlightenment were that easy people would have discovered it for the past 5000 years. Get serious dude.

It’s funny seeing the problems people think they have... Which is therapeutic to me because it put all my problems into perspective... it seems that a lot of the time we want stuff that we don’t have which means we forget about what we do have... And really we do have everything we TRULY want- I believe that the emotions that rappers have about living a luxury lifestyle for example are all dormant in us right now... We can bask in the beauty of how nature designed the tomato and that can be extremely pleasurable ? But personally I wanna balance Being with Doing, because I don’t wanna be staring at cut up fruit all day I do want sex, money and status ? After all, we have all experienced the bliss of pure experience before from our infancy, so I like to remember that often... Share your thoughts!

Relative = everything that we know, world of forms, phenomena, universe and multiverses and everything that seems to happen in the past, now and future. Absolute = The only thing that can fully satisfy 24/7. Unconditional love, bliss. And from this we want to know if they are one. From what I can see, they are only separate with the mind. Without mind (thoughts), I can not tell the difference. If I can’t find a difference I can conclude that they have to be one. I can also say that the relative exists as illusion because of the nature of experience which is constant change without ground. Without thoughts I have no idea what different even means ❤️??

Full Enlightenment is the harmony you achieve in time, in the body system. As for me, I haven't seen any enlightened human beings yet. Those on youtube or popular gurus are just a sensationalist trend. The hole goes so deep that after stopping counting the awakenings because cannot be counted anymore in the magnitude of the growth, one realizes that is not like they say out there. There is no way one can get enlightened from now to tomorrow, that is the big lie. Who is willing to go contrary to the feelings of the mind? Going backward and realizing bliss can only be achieved in a sadic manner. Best of luck!

Indeed is very dangerous. One can really hurt themselves and can lead to disaster, mental instability, physical traumas, multiple sclerosis etc, this can happen in raising Kundalini. But for us who have experienced the eternal and are in continuous bliss and growth, I'd say it's worth all that pain after all. Because in a point in life after awakening everything feels wrong for months or years. Don't get discouraged, that feeling of losing oneself and the unbearable pain or uncontrolled mind, there are marvelous things after hell.

Wrong question and where I think you’re going wrong. Follow this bliss as what you’re describing seems truly authentic. What it sounds like your getting stumped by that’s really blocking this deeply intuitive creative capacity that CAN create massive value in the long run is that you’re trying to take this round peg (this deeper intuitive drive you’re describing) and trying to fit in this round hole (your current area of expertise and domain/industry). This is where I got stumped a lot. I wanted to take this new insight on what I’m really excited about and fulfills me and try to take that into my current domain of expertise and then get frustrated because I don’t know how to make them fit... Which isn’t to say these two thing can’t fit! Sometime they do go together but sometimes they don’t. Be willing and open to your intuition and where this bliss can take you. And of course, take the life purpose course if you haven’t taken it yet.

@Ingit Don't expect results too fast. You must suffer to get results. To learn to be in present moment you have to develop this skill. 10,000 hour on avg for any skill to master it. You may need 5 years of consistency and correct practice to reach that state. Do not expect easy way in, just don't give up or you won't be able to move forward in your life. To feel bliss you must work for it.

The whole point of awakening is training the ability to in-jaculate. The PC muscles will be relaxed, the opposite what you've read. So the state of never-ending bliss is achieving a level of sexual arousal in the body and having multi-climaxes all times, this is how you truly raise the vibration in the body. But not only that, is about knowing how to use the adrenals in pair with sexuality into the 1st chakra hehe and burn it all down with the plexus. I speak from experience, I have years of practice. When one is high on LSD let's say, what LSD does is opening the in-jaculatory gate to full throttle.

Embrace your inner pain. In hopelessness, you will find bliss. To be mindful all the time you need to have attention on the breath as second nature.

Look at how peaceful and silent they are, abiding in eternal bliss. May we all enter the stage of corals

My story goes like this: since about aprox. two months I read about continual breath awareness as explained here: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/12385-how-i-became-enlightened-fast-and-how-you-can-do-it-to/ . I tried it and it is quite efficient in grounding me. Some days ago, perhaps a week, I read the phrase: “without thoughts you do not exist”. I pondered it and went to bed, aware of my breath. Now at some point, between sleep and wakefulness, when my mind went to sleep I “awoke”. For some seconds I realized I did not exist. I just was, pure consciousness, no thoughts at all and I knew I reached this so called “enlightenment”, although I felt as if it was always there. I was so happy and relieved that “I” did not exist, that I never actually existed, there was no way I could grab myself. Also, I understood what “enlightenment” was in a way I cannot describe in words. It was bliss and freedom. It felt incredible simple and easy to reach, like, how could I not see it until then. I knew all this without thinking, I just knew. Also, there was no conscious focus, like I am usually focused in my head; in the darkness of the room I was this consciousness with no form or focus. And then…. Of course I felt my mind waking up… I felt myself slipping away from the experience and getting back to “normal”. Looking back, I could no longer comprehend the experience with my mind. I am a bit confused as to what happened, was I dreaming or did I reach some enlightenment, and if I reached it, why didn’t I keep it? Also, when I am in this state, of wake and sleep I sometimes get really intense states of awareness, not as intense as that one, but blissful and no thoughts, with no effort at all. I feel like I get them unconsciously. I cannot get them in a normal meditation. During day I usually have a hard time staying aware all the time. I have become more aware of all my thought trains and mental loops. After a while of self-observation I realized I am completely and utterly insane . But even with this I still fall into train thoughts, loop thoughts, emotional patters, etc… It’s as if I am addicted to them and I don’t know how to stop doing it. I feel like I am running in circles. All day I am in and out of awareness, constantly identifying with thoughts, and as time passes I get more frustrated and angry about it. I feel like I can’t relax because I have to constantly grab unto awareness. I know I have to relax, but if I loosen the “grip” I get swapped again in the thought trains. I am putting so much effort into this, while in those states of wake and sleep it is totally effortless and natural. I have no idea how to get there consciously… Also, I feel like I am not getting any real progress on awareness, like it’s not building up. I can be incredibly aware for 2 days, and then for 3 days straight I am in a mental fog and train thought I cannot escape, and then again 1 day of awareness and so on…. Please share if you had something similar or some tips that might help me. Thank you. Greatly appreciated…

Recently took 2g mushrooms. I meditated and did some self inquiry, tried to do strong determination sit but that only lasted 45 minutes. All of a sudden I had some huge realization that was non-conceptual. I couldn't take it back with me. For about 5 minutes I was in such a deep bliss and peace, there was absolutely no suffering and I started balling my eyes out. Then it started to fade just as fast as it came, and I tried to get back to it/hold on, but realized I couldn't and let it go. I don't know if there was a self/other duality or not. When It happened I kept thinking OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, THAT'S IT(IT meaning the truth) then pausing, realizing the significance of whatever I had realized and mumbling it to myself over and over while I cried. I think this is an enlightenment experience. When you have those is it possible to not think the idea of "I am nothingness", "god, or "infinite". Is it possible to have that realization without taking back that conceptual understanding with you?

1. Believe that you have control over your emotions. If you can't even believe this yet, believe that it is at least possible for you to learn how to choose your own emotional states. This is actually the necessary first step to emotional self-mastery, to accept that it is something you have control over. Most people go through life being emotionally reactive, they just instinctively respond to stimuli in their environment, thinking there is an external world that supersedes their internal world. This is the biggest limiting belief there is, you underestimate how you can shape your perception of reality and develop psychological capabilities far beyond the levels of consciousness previously known to you. 2. Disengage emotion from perception. Realize that emotions are entirely subjective, and existentially meaningless. You were predisposed by biology, and programmed by society to feel happy when you accomplish things, win competitions, and receive approval, praise, sexual validation and a sense of belonging others. Consequentially you would naturally feel unpleasant emotions when you desire such things and do not get to experience them. Humans evolved this way so that you would be guided by your urges to survive, compete and procreate, really no different from any other species of animal. By realizing that's the whole point of having emotional reactions, that they are just shallow, rudimentary, primitive instincts designed to enslave you to the game of life, you can relinquish any sense of attachment you may have had to your emotional states. This is the hardest part of the transformation, because people think of their emotions as deep, meaningful, and real, denying the validity of your emotions seems like destroying your sense of self altogether, and perhaps this is the very means by which you stop being a victim of emotional reactiveness, and start being the author of your own emotional states. Since emotions are not grounded in any objective, external reality, they all come from within the psyche, why wouldn't you be able to just choose your own emotional states- if you want to be happy, then be happy for the sake of being happy. What is the point of clinging to the reactive model of emotionality- you don't need it at all. It's just an embodiment of the victim mentality which is keeping you depressed. Time to discard that old paradigm. 3. Differentiate between emotions, sensations and meanings. Be conscious of the pure sensations you experience in your body at any moment, without attaching any thoughts or emotions to them. Think about an emotion you have felt- any emotion. Now what is the emotion made up of? Sensations and thoughts. Sensations are visceral things you experience in your body, and thoughts are the language you use to describe it, the meanings you attach to the sensations. For example, just notice how your body felt when you had been sad, or angry, or scared. How was your breathing, muscle tension, posture, heart rate, etc. And what thoughts did you associate with these sensations, what stories did you tell yourself? Now you are beginning to see the big picture. By dissecting emotions into their components, you can manipulate those components as to eliminate unpleasant emotions, and create desired emotional states. Body and mind are not separate entities, but one integrated organism in a continuous feedback loop. You can be more conscious of what you do with your body, and of what narratives you tell yourself. By doing both of these you can actually affect the root sensations as well, and control the entire process of feeling emotions. 4. Hack into the emotional feedback loop. The most straightforward demonstration of this would be the relationship between facial expressions and emotions. Normally, facial expressions are simply external reflections of an animal's emotions, and their evolutionary purpose is to broadcast those emotions to communicate with other animals. But this is a feedback loop, and it works just as well the opposite way around. It's devilishly simple how you can just manipulate your own emotions by changing your facial expressions, you can make super wide smile, a deeply smug, evil grin, smile so hard your cheeks get sore, and keep smiling like that for 5 minutes. You will soon be overcome with very pleasant sensations, and start to actually feel ecstatic, blissful and overjoyed. Hacking into your emotional feedback loop, getting something from nothing, is really this simple. You can also listen to upbeat, fast paced music while clapping your hands to help get into state when doing this smile meditation. This is totally not normal, I'd even call it an abnormal psychology technique, but it absolutely works. Normal people are miserable, neurotic, emotionally reactive messes with very little self-awareness, drifting through life haphazardly, reacting to stimuli, deriving a sense of self worth from other people. Disregard all that nonsense, and create your own reality. And there are endless more techniques like this that allow you to just change what you do with your physical body in order to bring about desirable emotional states. Some are fairly simple like smiling, deep breathing, posture and body language control, music/sounds and aromatherapy. There are also next level techniques you can use to release emotional baggage, like through intense sound vibration (think chanting AUM so deeply you become the mantra) and deep tissue release, massaging whatever parts of your musculature you can reach, applying as much pressure as you can without injuring yourself, also kneading your back and upper legs on a lacrosse ball. I reiterate again, there is no separation between mind and body, treat it as one feedback loop. Emotional tension is physical tension and vice versa. You won't become happy just talking about your "feelings," nor by numbing them with drugs. You become happy by dissolving any sense of duality between your mind and body, the internal and external reality. It will seem very simple once you get it, because happiness is naturally the default state of being, since once you realize nothing actually matters, you can stop projecting meaning onto everything, no longer feel you need to do anything in life, and just experience the bliss of "beingness." 5. Step 5: Commandeer the emotional feedback loop as your source of self-sustaining internal happiness, permanently detaching your mood from any outside input. It can get to the point where your subjective emotional states become their own enclosed ecosystem, and absolutely nothing external to you can penetrate this bubble. This takes practice, and when you find yourself removed from your comfort zones, you are forced to get creative, and can reach profound levels of personal development much quicker than when just thinking about this as a concept. Facing situations that would have used to make you sad, scared or angry can force your emotional resolve to really kick into overdrive, and this builds a resilient foundation for achieving emotional mastery. The process I am trying to describe here is super-normal, the establishment might label as psychosis, a breaking from reality, emotional derangement. This is also necessarily a rejection of affective empathy, refusing to react emotionally to others by not opening yourself to instinctively feel what they are feeling. On the other hand it is the core of self-mastery, fully internalizing that you are the creator of your own reality, the fundamental kernel of true personal freedom. Though one potential thing to watch out for is that when you are happy, negative motivation will no longer work, so once this happens, all of your actions will have to be driven by love, not fear.

Lazyness is a quality of the absolute. If you can be lazy without inner resistance you are in bliss!

I am so surprised people say, Enlightenment is bliss. It is actually horror. Yesterday at night in my bed I had glimpse of it. I try to be in the now and in a relaxed state. It produces anxiety, nausea and sometimes even involuntary convulsions of my body. Yesterday at night I relaxed in my bed and settled in the now. My body convulsed several times and I dry heaved. Then after some minutes I saw that I am a screen, not a person. It shattered my vision about life. Everything lost its value. It was terrible. I held my life with my two hands tightly, so it did not disappear completely. I was very scared and depressed. I wanted to think about future to make myself motivated, but I could not. There was only now. I saw that future does not exist. I could not sleep, but finally I fell asleep. Now I am back to normal. I dont know if I should stop meditation or not. I am definitely not ready for the Truth.

I believe in love and simplicity and humility. Those are the most important things to have in oneself. When any community is based on the principles of love, goodness, humility and simplicity then they are genuinely beautiful and they can bring a lot of progress. They will bring real change. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. When you experience true love, you have experienced true bliss. You have experienced enlightenment. Love is greater than any kind of satisfaction or experience in life. It is the greatest emotional experience. Love is higher than enlightenment. You can always get spiritual fulfillment with God but that is also a kind of love. Love can move mountains. Whether it's from a lover, a sibling, a pet or a child. It's all love. Without love, everything is hollow. Death is very beautiful. Death is the cessation of life. Death is also the cessation of suffering. Empathy lies in wanting to end suffering. Death is a beautiful journey to the afterlife. Even Egyptians worshipped death. They respected death. Anyone who wants someone to suffer is very evil, destructive, bad, sadistic, harmful, lacking in love and simplicity and very psychopathic. There is no behavior more psychopathic than wanting someone to suffer all life. To let go is important. Even if you don't forgive its fine, but let go. You cannot rule someone's life no matter what. If that person is a criminal even then the most that you should want is that person to be dead to bring you peace. If that person wants the death sentence, he or she is being reasonable. Your thinking that they are getting an easy death and they are not suffering or they are getting off lightly is very sadistic. What more do you want once the person is dead. Justice is served. Once a person is dead, justice has no meaning. It's over. You not wanting it to be over and you wanting that person to be in a perpetual state of suffering makes you worse than the criminal. So learn to let go no matter what. The most that you can want is death. Suffering is bad, evil, dysfunctional, dirty, gross, miserable and very very bad. Wanting someone to suffer is the highest form of crime. Of course you should want them to be locked up and isolated and remorseful but wanting them to suffer distress is sadistic. You should only want them dead and gone or remorseful. When you live in simplicity, love, humility you live in grace and you create beauty. A beauty that can never be destroyed. Live in love,goodness, simplicity, humility, grace, acceptance and let go. Let go of all the hurt, the pain, the negativity, the frustration. You be free from suffering and let others be free from suffering. You should always live in the peace circle. Humility Hope Peace Love Grace Wisdom Simplicity and innocence Acceptance Goodness Genuiness Beauty Spiritual fulfillment. Always live in this circle. [even if I am not, I can live in beauty and create beauty]. An ancient native American phrase. Walk in beauty. Navajo prayer. Chapter 4 Capital HD and 73

I want to express the whole world, out comes no thing. no words are able to contain the immensity of it all. I'm speechless. it's so, so beautiful. all of it. all the suffering too. I'm crying. there is so much going on in me.. suffering and bliss, all at once. it almost seems like nothing. (because it's too much) I can see why there must be emptiness to contain it all <3 and I can feel on my skin; I'm my biggest enemy, the bigger jihad. but I love it, I love this enemy. it brought me here and here, right now is perfect <3 all the things I'm not and all the things I am. I don't know anymore. feels like I'm getting to know myself deeper and deeper on this journey. paradoxically I seem to know less and less. it's like peeling away layer after layer. what's left? what do I want to be left with? the only thing I know: I want love, the divine one that comes with oneness. the one that brings me to tears. unconditional, without boundaries. it takes so much courage. making myself vulnerable is so hard. I'm trembling. feels like I'm healing. I love this journey. do I first have to heal myself before I can heal others?

Psychological freedom is just lack of resistance to whatever arises. If you feel sad, you feel sad. If you feel anger, you feel anger. The difference is you're not going "I should be feeling something else right now." The reason people think these things are a problem is because they think they're only supposed to feel positive emotions. To some, that's happiness, enlightenment, bliss, whatever. That's the biggest load of crap about spirituality or enlightenment out there. The problem isn't the negative emotions. The problem is fear of feeling negative emotions. Fear, suppression, denial, distortion, overcompensation, etc. What keeps a depression going isn't sadness, it's an inability to feel sadness, numbing yourself and feeling nothing, e.g.

This is my first post on this forum. It is also very, very long. But there is a lot of stuff in there. Please don’t skim through it. Either you read it or you don’t. WARNING: This trip report contains a lot of “fucks” and in some parts discusses various demonic and sexual themes. Don’t read if you don’t want that stuff on your mind :-) Also, English is not my native language so please forgive misused words and weird grammar :-D PRELUDE There was so much going on, yet nothing happened at all. This story happened two days ago. It was my 8th time doing acid (first time in march 2016). I was prepared. As usual I did my Kriya routine in the morning. I ate vegan that day and didn’t consume food 6 hours and water 2 hours before the trip started. The two most recent books I had been reading were “God is Nothingness” by Andre Doshim Halaw and “The Adventure of Self-Discovery” by Stanislav Grof (I will refer to this one later). My plan was to take 200µg of LSD at around 10pm, lay down in my dimly lit room all alone and trip the fuck out all night. And so I did. I am quite sensitive to LSD and I had only taken 200µg once before with a friend. It was the second time I did acid without anyone else around. My intention was to be without any intentions. I wanted to merge with the groundless ground of being, reach enlightenment if you will. I have had a handful of trips like that in the past with LSD and other substances. So I was quite confident about my plan. And, well, … it did turn out like that, however, the way it all unfolded… I had never experienced anything like it. But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves… 22.20pm I carefully unwrapped the tab and sat there cross-legged for a few minutes, emptying my mind. That did not really work. I was nervous, for no reason in particular. I was breathing through the belly, but it did not calm me down. I felt my heart beating in every part of my body. I thought, “fuck it” and placed the tab on the tip of my lounge. No taste. I sat there for a few more minutes, taking deep and conscious breaths trough the belly and playing around with the tab in my mouth. Then I went downstairs to my cat and dog, sat down on the couch and waited for them to fall asleep. (These two ladies were part of the reason I wanted to trip at night. Especially my dog: She is very old and requires a lot of attention and care throughout the day. On a previous acid trip the encounter with my pets had been demonically terrifying, so I wanted to avoid it this time, at least during the come-up and peak.) 22.45pm The pets had fallen asleep, so I went back upstairs. I laid down on a mattress on the floor and wrapped myself in a blanket. The room around me was quite cold. While preparing for the trip I had taken various psychedelic/spiritual books from my little library and placed them next to the mattress, in case I would want to get some inspiration while tripping. Bhagavad Gita, The Psychedelic Experience, The Bible, I-Ging, Be Here Now, No-Mind, Nature Man and Woman, The End of Your World, Daodejing, … you name it. I did not feel like opening any of them, In fact they are still laying there untouched right now :-D I just laid there and waited for the effects of the drug to settle in. I was staring at the wooden ceiling. Looking up there would always be my reference point for how far I was into trip. You can tell by the intensity and quality of the visuals ;-) Nothing was happening yet. Only my mind became more quite. I closed my eyes. My entire perception was filled with the rising and falling of my breath and the beating of my heart. ~23.15pm The effects started to become clearly noticeable. My head felt more spacious. I recognized the knotholes of the wooden ceiling to be arranged in weird geometric patterns, slowly morphing across the surface. My breath became deeper. I was feeling my stomach and intestines. A thought popped up in my head. “I should do Kechari Mudra!” (Use google if you don’t know what that is.) So I pushed my tongue up the nasopharynx. As I did that I had a flash of understanding / information spontaneously pop up about why it is called Kechari Mudra. I do not speak Sanskrit, but from what I read the translations of “Kechari” all circle around air / space / flying. And this made perfect sense. It felt like my awareness had shifted into my tongue, which was the body of an eagle. And my body was gracefully gliding through the inner spaces of my own mind. I had visions of eagles pop up and got a strong intuitive sense of what they feel like in their bodies. The sensation of flying was physically reinforced by the way your nasopharynx feels. I wish I could explain this better, you just have to feel it for yourself ;-) (If you are into Kriya and still struggling with Kechari Mudra; Don’t give up! Keep practicing, it is worth it. Especially when combined with psychedelics^^) With the raising of the tongue my mind got clearer, the sense of self becoming more pinpointed somewhere in the head. I was starting to get closed eye visuals, colors and lights swirling around in the distance. Boundaries were dissolving. There was some sort of fractal vortex, which was simultaneously a feeling in my chest, a thought in my head and part of the visuals. “It is all one”, I thought with a smile. But I was still thinking that thought. INSERTION: The Perinatal Matrices of Stanislav Grof You should really do your own deep research on this, but let me quickly summarize what they are all about. The perinatal matrices refer to patterns of experience that you pass through during pregnancy in your mother’s womb and childbirth. An encounter with death and rebirth. These biological stages are not the final thing that is being pointed to, but they contain the archetypical seed of the pattern of experience. I : The Amniotic Universe (Union with your mother. Ambrosia through the umbilical cord. Bliss in Heaven. Oceanic ecstasy) II : Cosmic Engulfment and no Exit (Onset of labor. You have grown too big for your mother’s womb. Chemical changes. Pressure, stress and loneliness.) III : The Death – Rebirth Struggle (Moving of the fetus through the birth channel. Struggle for survival. Extreme pressure. Strong aggression. Lack of oxygen. Contact with blood, urine and excrements. Volcanic ecstasy) IV : The Death – Rebirth Experience (Childbirth. All the tension and pressure is suddenly released. Enlightening ecstasy. Ego Death.) (The transition of III to IV is often accompanied by total annihilation.) ???pm/am Deeper. Clearer. Surrender, on and on and on. I release my tongue from Kechari Mudra, just to find myself in a confused and disoriented state. I stare at the ceiling. Luminous organic vines are floating through the room. Lights, fractals. Nothing to hold on to. I wave my hand in front of my face. I cannot even make out its shape. The tracers are ridiculously strong and moving in perfect sync with the totality of my experience. They are not just occurring as a trail behind my hand, indicating where it just was; They are also occurring in front of my hand, indicating where it will be! This doesn’t make any sense! I close the eyes, focus onto Bhrumadhya, breathe in deeply through the belly and push the tongue back up into the nasopharynx. Visions of lights related to the flower of life motif. The cosmic matrix of creation. A glimpse of the blueprint of all of existence. A tingling sensation at the base of the spine. I relax into it. ???am I have no idea what is going on. There is no one who is experiencing this. There is just some stuff going on. Ecstatic feelings of space and light in the abdomen. It feels like out-of-this-world hardcore sex between the devil and the universe. FUCK ME UP! With each thrust beams of ecstasy are being released. YES! YES! DEEPER! INTO THE RHYTHM! Who am I in this act of madness bursting with pleasure? A piece of advice is floating by: “Don’t think, don’t answer!”. So I return to the obscene orgy. ???am A level of being where madness, sex, beauty and death have merged into ecstatic consciousness like the components of a Nordic knot. ???am Shiva dances the rudra tandava Ragnarök Pure destructive forces are being unleashed from the depths of the unconscious. Cosmic snakes riding into battle. The universe is my lover But she is one hell of a nasty beast. She will fuck you up. A sexy, irresistible devil. She is into the really kinky stuff. She bangs your head against the floor and shoves her tentacle arm down your throat. Chokes you to death. If you are lucky you might get a glimpse of her eating her own tail. It moves violently through the entire body. It is not dependent on physical anatomy, it moves through secret pathways. No chance of understanding. It won’t stop until you and it are one. Surrender. ???am I cannot handle it. My head slipped off the mattress, leaving my neck tilted towards the floor. Bursts of raw, divine energy. My system cannot handle or interpret them. Violent spasms at the back of the head, the energy cannot move through. I remember this very vividly. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds. It reminds me of a scene I recently witnessed, where a friend of mine was having an epileptic seizure. Demonic visions. Rape and murder. Snuff porn. I am staring back at myself with eyes wide open but inverted into the skull and satanic runes glowing on my forehead. Sprinkle in some more NSFL stuff to fuel your imagination. I am drowning and burning myself in this untamed and raw stream of divinity. Like pushing and demolishing your head against a never-ending stream of rapidly rotating electric blades. I am Lucifer. I am Death. Something interesting happens. A shift. The violent bursts of energy at the back of my head can be reevaluated, seen from a different perspective. They are no longer something YOU are feeling, but rather a certain, specific vibratory state. A chunk of information only recognized for what it is when placed against the background of absolute Nothingness. There is no way of communicating it. This is the answer to everything. All that can ever possibly exist or be experienced is Spirit. Ones and zeros, electromagnetic waves creating reality through self-interference. There is a secret code, the structure of the mind itself. But you will never grasp it, for you are it. ???am “That which has no karma but chooses to act anyways.” Ram Dass once said this in a lecture. I don’t remember which one. But now I understand. Did I even take a breath since I last closed my eyes? Was my tongue really in Kechari Mudra the entire time? My breath had sunk down as deep into my belly as never before and slowed down a lot. Where I would usually stop the inhalation in meditation, my belly now just kept on expanding, defying what I had thought to be physically possible, sucking all that sweet air into my lungs. I don’t know how much time has passed, for it doesn’t exist. I am back. I AM! A mighty roar. I AM! I don’t really exist, but I have thought myself into existence. A funny little trick. I am thinking myself into being something other than that which I am experiencing. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT AM I?! A vision of what this “I – Thing” really is unfolds. It was nonverbal, but I will try to explain it anyways. It is… A point in empty space. A black hole. It distorts reality (aka Nothingness / Nirvana / Sunyata / Brahman / Dao / … ) into whatever you want it to be, turns everything inside – out. I could go on using words to describe that which lies at root of this very moment. But it is pointless. Like a computer program, you could explain it going through its code line by line. But that doesn’t really reveal the true nature of the process. Just play around with the program. Learning by doing. You are it, so you cannot know it by studying something external. Here is what it sort of looks and feels like (Imagine a mixture of the following ideas): * + the way your nasopharynx feels during Keachri Mudra *This is in fact the album cover for “Citadel” by the Australian extreme progressive metal band “Ne Obliviscaris”. Besides mind-shattering drums and riffs they feature growls, clean singing and a violin. I have never seen anyone as skilled as these guys in transporting and embodying the destructive yet beautiful aspect of nature. If you are into metal music, give their song “Devour Me, Colossus (Part I): Blackholes” a listen. If you do not like metal music, listen to it anyways ;-D At a later point of the trip a name for this “I-Thing” spontaneously popped into my head: “The tantalunian lizard!” (Coming from the Greek mythological figure Tantalus. I still chuckle at that name right now :-D The funniest thing about this is that I never studied Greek mythology. Maybe I heard that name at some point, but after conceiving “The tantalunian lizard” I first had to google whether the word “tantalunian” even exists. Well, it turns out it doesn’t, but it is obviously coming from “Tantalus”, and this just fits so perfectly :-) ) “ I am” is the first thought. It is a level of consciousness where everything is one. The One God. The last universal common ancestor. From there on time is born and the universe fractally expands through infinite possibilities and variations of what exactly “I am”. All life is connected. The tree of life is very literal. And you are not just that one fruit hanging somewhere in the branches, you are the entire fucking tree. All life is one, you are all life, and at the root of yourself there lays this demonic principle, waiting to be realized. Eternally Self-devouring. But before I could realize it the “I AM” took a dark turn for me. I became some sort of arch-demon, horns sprouting from my head / center of distortion, diabolic laughter. I am all the evil. I rise through never ending scenes of fire, torment and hell. The space and light I had previously felt in my abdomen turned into rot and decay. Thank god I had re-read the “Psychedelic Experience” before the trip. “Don’t identify, relax your mind, let it pass, float downstream” a voiceless voice gently whispers. I surrender. Now I can’t even properly explain this part to myself. There were visions of some sort of enlightened, super conductive Tai-Chi beings that assumed poses that corresponded to hexagrams from the I-Ching. Whenever they did this my state of awareness changed in synchronicity with what they were doing. They were guiding me out of the hell I had just been in, restoring my energetic balance (god that sounds so stupid :-D ) The world is whatever you say it is, you just have to know how to say it. But these beings were talking/manifesting in a language I could not speak or understand. How do you arrive at these statements? You would already have to know them before conceiving them! What the fuck?! It just happens spontaneously! ???am It is moving up the spine, once again. I am lying there, moaning and sprawling on the mattress. Thank God no one is seeing this. In synchronicity with the energy my arms rise above my head and touch the ground in a pose of surrender. But… ccould.. how can this possibly be true? I can feel my hands touching the ground, but I also feel the ground touching my hands! IT IS ALL MEEEEE!!! WUUUUUAAAH§HFZ&VI%R§§VI”?BDIS-- AHAHAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Visions of something closely related to an eye opening and closing. An eternal pulse. Ecstasy. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I sit up. I sit in meditation posture. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I attempt some Pranayama, but it is completely absurd, the energy is already rising anyways, me trying to make it rise is just distorting the process. Visions of volcanic ecstasy as >something< is simultaneously giving birth to, playing with, fucking and devouring itself. I lay back down and go for some more rounds on the strange loop of (non)existence. 3.30am Holy shit. I just looked at the clock for the first time since lying down. The feeling in my abdomen is now neither that of light nor decay, but telling me to go to the bathroom to take a piss. “This was the peak”, I think to myself. But I am still tripping balls. The visuals are still three-dimensional and I am so confused I don’t even know I am confused. I get up slowly and awkwardly, not used to my limbs. Like after a long session of meditation but a million times more weird. As I am walking to the bathroom I think to myself something along the lines of: “So, kids, you want something that really kicks in? Try the ultimate drug; DEATH! That shit will fuck you up!” I remember Leo saying something like “This shit will destroy your life!” in a blog video. I laugh internally, because he is right. I sit down on the toilet and sink my head into my hands. I just sit there. After some time I am finally able to pee. What a relief. I get up and stand in front of the mirror. I have done this before on acid, so I knew the key (as always) was to stay calm and not attach to anything you might see. Then it can get really interesting. And oh boy it did. Unfortunately there is not the slightest chance that I can express what I saw in that mirror. Let me put it like this. On the one hand, there is absolute Nothingness. Nirvikalpa Samadhi. No self, no reflections, just void. Then on the other hand there is Savikalpa Samadhi. It is essentially still the same nothingness, but it is “interpreted”. It gets interpreted as absolutely everything. All possibilities of all that could possibly exist and happen. An infinite cloud of quantum potential, not yet manifested. And I was standing there, my reflection morphing and shifting through all these different possibilities. I saw nothing and everything at the same time. Angles, demons, animals, indefinable shapes and objects… The stuff I saw was so utterly terrifying but also incredibly beautiful. Beyond human. Consciousness itself, available to only those who pass through the portal of death. I saw myself skimming through the billions of years of evolution. One appearance stuck with me in particular. (I also think it was the one that pulled me out of the trance, because I identified with it.) I saw my reflection calmly looking back at me with the features and elegance of a wolf, waiting patiently. The eyes, oh the eyes… I went back to my room and laid down on the mattress. What else was I supposed to do? The destructive forces I was describing earlier were no longer present. They had done their job. I was fucking gone. I remember laying there with nothing left but the taste of LSD. One eye closed, the other open. Completely relaxed, it feels natural. This is consciousness, beyond life, beyond death. ???am And once more I was thankful for having read “The Psychedelic Experience”. There was this entity, some sort of androgynous mother – father being of enormous light, power and attraction. (I don’t’ know which one though.) It first manifested as a point before my minds eye. Then lines formed around it and it started spinning. Out of this spin it grew in size, playfully jumping across my field of perception. It formed two antipodes that were conscious manifestations of the male and female principle. These two antipodes were entangled and making love to each other. The appearance was constantly shifting, but at times it actually resembled gorgeous body shapes of man and woman. It wanted me to join. “Come on, baby” it whispered with the most seductive bedroom eyes. But having had read the manual, I just laid there and watched… The entity became disappointed with me not wanting to participate, spun back into itself and disappeared. ~5.00am I got up from the mattress. I wanted to go outside to watch the sunset on a nearby hill. I went over to my laptop and googled when the sun would rise. (I usually sleep a lot longer than sunrise.) 7.19am . Still a bit of time to go. Using the laptop felt fucking weird and I had to laugh at myself struggling with the keyboard. I was able to recreate the “vibratory feeling” at will at the back of the head (more gentle, not violent this time), which again led to the realization that all is Spirit and sent me into a transcendent state. So I just sat there. After a while I took up a pen and paper. (I read / listen to most spiritual stuff in english. Therefore it felt natural to me to write this down in english.) Transcript: So, ah It seens [seems] like You are the devil A reality distorting fuck It fkkin vibrates feel it (beyond) Spirit (beyond) You are all that ever existed you Smiling at what I had just written, I decided to listen to some music. I played the album “Spira Mirabilis” by Ajja. Oh man. I already liked that album before the trip, but now, being in that state, I felt how the music was really expressing the inexpressible! The rhythmic movement of the cosmic snake… Go listen to that album! (You can also listen to music during to come-up to calm you down. During the peak it is pretty much pointless I think. You can just tune into that which the artist was tuned into and got his inspiration from ;-) Since the peak was over for me I was very grateful for this beautiful manifestation of soundwaves.) So there I was, still wrapped in a blanket, dancing and stomping through the room to these rhythms that reflected the structure of mind back to me. ~6.00am I was getting tired of dancing and the album was getting close to its end. I decided to roll a joint, which I would smoke while watching the sunrise. I had already noticed this on other trips and it was exactly the same this time: The more you try to roll the joint, the more you fuck up. Your hands get wet and shaky, your sense of touch is just really awkward. Don’t even try. Let your muscle memory take over. The joint basically rolls itself :-D Having finished the task, I just sat there some more. ~6.30am I put on warm clothes (it was the first night after this summer where the temperature dropped below 0°C) and stepped outside. The first rays of light were already crawling across the sky. The cold morning air was very refreshing. So I just walked. I was still tripping quite hard, going in and out of my mind, laughing at nothing at all while staring into oblivion. I just hoped I wouldn’t come across anyone I knew. The luminous visual patterns had disappeared by now, but trees still looked incredible. That fractal skeleton, so freaking gorgeous. I recognized the same “I am” thought that my experience was based on to also create the trees and other stuff I was looking at. No matter where you look, you always encounter your own consciousness. After about 20 minutes I arrived at the top of the hill. The sun had not yet risen but everything was bright already. It was so beautiful. The trees, the birds, fog crawling through the valleys and villages… All enlightened from within. In perfect order. I just sat there, soaking in the scenery and emptying my mind. Then I lit the joint. Cannabis and LSD synergize extremely well. (This can go into both directions, however, so be careful!) The weed “reenergized” the trip a little bit, the visuals became stronger again and my mind started to go in circles. As I was sitting there, smoking, I thought to myself: “Man, there is so much more profound stuff you could be doing with your breath instead of inhaling smoke for a little high…” But I won’t complain. The high was very pleasant. Just what I wanted. ;-) I sat there for probably almost two hours, motionless. In that period I had some interesting thoughts and I realized I should dive deeper into Hinduism and its pantheon. The deities represent archetypical forces that make up both cosmic and individual mind. I took an extra long way home. I just wanted to walk, feel my body and soak in some more of that spirit-made-manifest. I gave my best not to take on the role of the unconscious forces I had unleashed this night. I often caught myself romanticizing over thoughts of how I am this cosmic lover, destroyer of the universe. But as always… don’t attach, watch it, let it pass… ~9.00am I arrived back home. My pets were already waiting for me to feed them, and I was happy to see them. I fondled their heads, looked them deep into the eyes and smiled as I saw myself looking back at me. I fed them, let them go outside into the garden, sat down on the couch, closed my eyes and drifted through my mind. I don’t really remember anything specific from this period. 12.00am After 13 hours of intense tripping, I finally felt like I was ready to sleep. I laid down on the mattress, and fell asleep… I woke up only a few hours later at around 4.00pm but still felt quite refreshed. I ate some pumpkin soup, thought about all the crazy stuff that had happened last night and drew this picture: APPENDIX So, what did I learn from that experience? I wouldn’t consider this a life-changing trip, for I had already grasped (intellectually) the concepts I was confronted with. It wasn’t my first ride. But probably the most intense one. It taught me, that if I want to reach those higher levels of consciousness naturally, I will have to stop doing psychedelics at some point. Psychedelics are like plugging in your 5V USB directly into a nuclear power station. Brute force, anything that stands in its way shall be annihilated. It works, hell yeah, it works… But you are supposed to consciously evolve your ego to these levels like a flower growing day by day towards the light until it blossoms. Sacrificing your unevolved self in some sort of chemically induced satanic ritual to the Absolute isn’t going to cut it in the end. It is the difference between Syd Barret and Ramana Maharshi. I feel like most of the trip was in the light of the third perinatal matrix. As a non-labor Caesarian born this was something quite new and “interesting” for me. I had arrived at Nothingness before in other trips, but the demonic and destructive component had never really been revealed that clearly. The "love component" was largely missing this time. Also the fact that “all is Spirit” was really brought to mind once again. Day and night, love and hate, demons and angles, it is all just consciousness playfully taking on various vibratory states. There is no reason to fear anything. It is everything. You are it. You are everything. APPENDIX II For all you lovers of wisdom you can never grasp, for it eats you alive… There is this archetypical sequence of vibratory states, the order in which the deities appear. When we first stumbled across this phenomena with a group of friends (all on acid, of course) we called it TAKT (german for beat/rhythm. But not (just) the musical one…) And it gets fucking weird… By completely emptying yourself you can become superconductive and let IT move using YOUR body. Then you dance the way Shiva does, and everything is in harmony. People will stare at you in horror and delight. What is this secret code, the rhythm of the universe through which everything unfolds? It is encoded by the symbols on the inside of the Inca Ouroboros I borrowed for my painting. It is the array of trigrams / hexagrams in the I-Ching. It is the ever-repeating process manifested in the perinatal matrices. It is the way that cosmic eye opens and closes. It is the cycle of Samsara. It is the “I am” thought popping in and out of existence. It is a deeper level of consciousness that makes up your existence in this very moment. It is a part of you. Therefore you cannot grasp it or make a model of it. And if you can make a model of it that model will not be satisfying. The model would only be an abstraction, a shadow. What you want is the direct experience, and to get there you have to let go of all concepts. So if you are going to model it and talk about it anyways make sure you do not confuse the model for the actual thing. Don’t walk around and show it to people, claiming you found the answers to life. The only way to really know is to embody!

After awakening, one is able to use the inner being. Example: astral projecting in real time anywhere using the 5 senses together. Being able to do Tantra telepathically to influence or learn from any living thing at will, or not strictly necessarily living, there is the entities realm that is quite vast. Take in mind that all that has happened in reality is still there, every bit of info. Yes, Tantra is not only for sex. Today per example I started channeling the vibration of the entity of Milarepa, the famous Tibetan yogi. The info is not in words, is on the realm of dreams, emotions, insights. At the end of the day is very difficult to point in words when you project your own energy out-there. What comes out are insights and how to use the inner core to advance in a faster way. But there is a way to pinpoint to a source of written information like a book or a library and literally take out desired info or collect the info into the body. But doing this one has to reenter the feelings of loss, fear will arise, is unknown territory for the mind and panic like state. Eternal bliss is misunderstood. Is a state of balance btw pain and extasy. But is not that simple, first one has to deal with his/hers own nightmares and drama, pain, healing, ancestral memory (the so-called genetic boundaries, yes it can be conquered) etc. In my journey, took me around 2 years just to reach a level of balance in the self-control of the emotions, images, thoughts, memories, the why, the how etc. Eternal journey of discovery, there is no single 1 act or feeling or achievement which one can say: (i know everything, i have experienced everything, this is a delusion of the mind in higher stages).