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Yes,there was a me but the me i am reffering it's not only the ego, but the totality of nothingness and everything, hence i perceiving things as not me and the object over there are saperate,more like sensation arising to consciousness. I would like to know more about what do you mean by no experience and experiencer in non dual

I do psychedelic occasionally, but this non dual experience makes no different when i was on sober mind or tripping, as i look on the floor ,intellectually i know there is substance underneath the floor, but based from my direct experience its only surface that floating on nothingness

Based from my direct experience,this experience it's like floating on nothingness, the time & space exist within it, as i turn my head around look at the room, the substance underneath the wall ,flooring,ceiling seems dissapeared, and then i walking around and observe, feels like i din't move at all, its just the experience changing and morphing, i look around the object in my room, it comes very clear to me there is no saperation, everything is just one thing and its the same thing.

What has helped me is read chimpanzee politics and our inner ape by frans de weal. Just understand that people are no different than you and you accept all people without trying to trying to convince them or persuade them because they perfect the way and they mission in life. Some people's mission to hurt others, some people's mission to alleviate others pain...etc. This will give you charisma and make you lovable. Avoid talking anything deep with people unless they show interest but reveal as little as possible so that they don't you look like you are insane or stupid (when in reality this applies to them!). Accept and surrender to the cosmic and universal power. The cosmic consciousness that created everything(also known as nothingness or allah or god or Yahweh or everything or supreme or The I am or any name) denied by logical positivist(scientists) has set the destiny for others to behave the way they behave. The cosmic consciousness pick specific people and deliberately block others. That's how its always been. The supreme consciousness speak in Leos tongue to reveal sacred knowledge to you and me and other priviledged self-actualizers while many people don't want it. You have freedom of choice to choose at particular instant and circumstance what to choose and do and how do you behave but you can't choose your circumstances that fall upon you. 1.Accept all people for who they are even if they totally have different values to the point of annoying you 2.Understand you are social animal and part of your health is socializing and if you are uninterested You have two ears and one mouth so that you can listen more and speak less 3.If you truly want to influence those people and help them succeed, then you need to become a prophet of the consciousness. Learn how to be charismatic and leader. People will simply not listen to you if you are in same level as they are or below. Prophet work is very tough, preaching is very tough. What leo is doing is unacceptable for most people except the open minded. Most of my cousins and family members hate leo when I sent his videos in our family group, they started schooling me on how he is wrong and evil and I should stay away from him because he will wash my brain. rest is yours to find out,

Why is it so impossible to formulate what consciousness is with help of the (analytical) mind. I end up with 'nothingness' as the best description of what consciousness is. Consciousness doesn't impress me from the analytical mind's point of view. And really, if some authority in spirituality, art or science would like to fool me and say that consciousness doesn't exist using good persuasive arguments, I would probably let myself be influenced by those arguments, and I might think to myself.. That's one side of the coin. Other times, often when I contemplating spontaneously, often when I am all alone, maybe I'm running in the forrest or do some other activity, or when I just do nothing at all. Anyway, then it might happen, I'm become strucked with my own intuition, and I go something like.. Now, mind and intuition have kind of polar opposite take on consciousness, one side(mind) might even not admit that there is something as consciousness/awareness, where as the other side, the intuitive side, can go crazy about consciousness, and recall it as something infinitely mysterious, something truly Godly. Two different takes on the same subject to say the least, why is that do you think? Is mind too stupid to grasp what consciousness is, or is the intuitive side of me too naive, maybe it even fool myself completely?

What happened so far: "I" had lovely discussions, especially with @now is forever and @tsuki: "I" never had such deep discussions before, but then again, they were just words... nothing else really, or were they? It felt blissful and then "I" fell deep, very deep (yet again) facing "my" dark sides: Why do "I" dare to post this here? Because you=I=we could learn, watch and learn! (if "you" are ready for it, "I" guess, and if "you" happen to resonate with what "I" write about ;-) So, "I" hope that "I" will never make these mistakes again (let "someone" or "something" trigger "my" ego). The world is ok as it is - only half dragons are dumb enough to try to pick a fight with real dragons. So, "I" faced the nothingness even deeper this time. "I" faced it head on and after meditating the heck out of it, it feels like "I" can walk through the mirror now, hopefully with a bit more grace.

I feel my mood fluctuating, but it doesn't scare me anymore. I know the emptiness now, I know the nothingness of things. nothing is permanent, everything will fade (emptiness remains) I think I can overcome sadness and devastation more lightly now. I try not to be afraid of them anymore, I try to welcome whatever arises. I try to embrace whatever negative emotion may arise. I know that it will make me more humble and more compassionate I'm becoming more and more aware of the mechanisms inside my mind: how all my problems are actually self-created and, really, nonexistent. wow. it's all in my mind, isn't it?

Emptiness is a necessary prerequisite for any objects to exist; without it, the object would be impossible. Basically, emptiness corresponds to two distinct scenarios: 1. It corresponds to the inherent existence (due to unchanging nature) that all conventional phenomena lack. 2. It corresponds to the dependent arising (a conditional phenomenon) i.e. subject to the same lack of inherent existence as every other object or phenomenon. This is referred to as the emptiness of emptiness. In Buddhism, there are two types of meditation - one is samatha and the other is vipassanā meditation. Samatha meditation is to calm or tranquil the mind by means of concentration. Whereas, vipassanā meditation is to mould the mind into seeing all things as they really are – an insight into the true nature of reality. The main focus of vipassanā meditation is to attain pure awareness via mindfulness. Vipassanā is often preceded by samatha but nonetheless, both types are inter-dependable throughout the practices in order to achieve favourable results in meditation. Microscopic analysis of things (Samatha) If one were to zoom in the analysis of a solid ball by gazing into its core contents i.e. atoms, one could realise that the ultimate result would yield to the absence of things (no unchanging elements). At the end of the day, one could declare that form is empty in a real sense because there is no core essence within it except for the elements of energy that evolve constantly under the influence of the external conditions. In other words, one could mention that the form entity has a delusive nature i.e. it is an appearance, though not illusive, but devoid of inherent existence and constantly varies under the influence of conditional phenomena. Macroscopic analysis of things (Vipassanā) If one were to zoom out the analysis of a solid ball by receding into a long shot distance indefinitely, the solid ball would appear to be shrinking into a tiniest size and one could realise that the ultimate result would yield to the absence of things (no things). In other words, the broader the perspective that one engages in, the lesser the multiplicity of things would appear to be. For example, the viewing of the earth from far and near would yield a different result to the observer’s perception altogether. Emptiness <-- Micro-perspective (multiplicity & definite) <-- MIND --> Macro-perspective (uniformity & infinite) --> Emptiness As a conclusion, the emptiness of phenomena is both the cause and consequence of the dependent nature of phenomena. It is the inherent quality of existence and is considered the ultimate truth because it inherently exists exactly as it is perceived when it is perceived directly by an enlightened mind. However, we shall not confuse emptiness with nothingness. Emptiness cannot be meant as nothingness. While we say that form is emptiness, there are still basic elements enfolding it. Just like when we do declare a vessel as empty, it does not literally mean nothing inside the vessel – there could still be air, radiation, dust, viruses, etc. that cannot be discerned by our naked eyes. At the end of the day, we could declare that form is empty in a real sense because there is no core essence within it except for the basic elements that orientate and evolve constantly under the influence of the external conditions. What our naked eyes view as form is actually the matter that is also known as concerted, aggregated or concentrated or wrapped energy. Since we can’t see energy with our naked eyes, we would say that the innermost of form is empty rather than nothing.

@AnthonyR In the absence of perception there is no 0 either. In fact there is no Nothing either. Just Pure and Absolute Silence. So the VOID or the nothingness experience that people reach when meditating is that pure and absolute silence? But that pure and absolute silence is ALIVE AND AWARE? Is that it? To lose the 5 senses (temporarily) and have the truth be revealed?

Yesterday, I finally deeply understood this point I heard during one of Rupert Spira's video. He says that when we pause and really look 'back' at our experience since a very young age... starting from our oldest memory, then you can explore and realize the fact that you do not have a single moment of non-experience. Sure, when we go to sleep at night, and wake up in the morning... Our body does not have any experience... But in our consciousness' experience there is no pause... that deep sleep almost feels like it was a "gap" with the duration of "zero" seconds... it almost is as if it did not exist at all. If we break our life-experience into frame by frame as can be done for a video file, then in our direct experience, we have a continuous flow of experiencing... never non-experience. The last thing we remember before sleeping is a last final blimp of a thought you might be having, or just shutting your eyes and laying there, then that quick blur of sleep happens which is a non-existent dot and assuming u did not have a dream, the next thing after closing ur eyes to sleep is opening ur eyes to wake up (with "time" passed in the real world) but you see, YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAUSE OR A STOP IN YOUR EXPERIENCE. And experience is existence! There is no non-experience aka non-existence. This is so simple! but it's overlooked so easily. I am not sure what other insights i can understand as a result of seeing this thing to be true. other than the fact that as Leo says "there is no where to go" there is just experieince and always will be. non-stop even if say u were in an accident, got knocked out and went into a coma for 1 month sure ur body is out cold and in other's experieince around you, your body was laying motionless for a month. but in ur experinece, if u just went black lets say, last thing u saw was car hitting the barrier and next thing u know is ur opening ur eyes. u dont have a memory or experinece of the blackness/nothingness - because there were no thoughts in that state and mind only knows thoughts/objects. so that memory is not recalled because it was just pure existence experience you had while u were out.

Ok, so I feel a little destabilized. Maybe you can help me resolve the confusion somehow. So let's say you work as a cashier at a supermarket and you have all these metaphysical concepts in your head (that Leo keeps talking about), like god is nothingness and all that. You go to work and the mind keeps repeating: This product doesn't actually exist etc. Sometimes maybe the ego gets into a fearful state and you need to take a pause because the mind needs some cooling. Is the problem here too much inquiry/contemplation and too little meditation? Leo said somewhere that most people need a few years of meditation before they are able to do even 5 minutes of inquiry, because their mind is so rampant. I am 21,tried to cut back the inquiry/contemplation to focus on mindfulness meditation and emotional mastery as I have frequent anxiety attacks, but as I'm working from home all day, my mind naturally tends to go towards existential questioning, which most of the time freaks the ego out and can't focus on work. What should one do in this case? Is avoiding spirituality for a while but keeping a meditation practice the way to go for a while until the mind becomes more equanimous? Or am I just resisting feelings too much? Or am I not going out enough and just lost in the mind all day, losing touch with what is actually in front of me? I calm down a whole lot when I hang out with people or when I have a dog nearby that reminds me that I take things way too seriously, or when I workout at the gym and not think about nonduality for a while. As a personal assessement of my case in the spiral dynamics, I suppose I'm halfway into Green but needing to focus a lot on Orange as there is not nearly enough integration done there. I was much more loving, calm, easygoing, at peace with life and generally flowing, not taking any problem too seriously and comfortable with confusion before having all these spiritual concepts in the mind. Even my meditation was much more powerful before having a lot of nondual concepts making the mind restless. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. Any help would be appreciated.

Yes, consciousness is Nothingness. Which is why you can't grasp hold of it. The Absolute is not an experience. It is Absolute and Mooji don't matter at that point. You are Mooji talking to yourself. Mooji was pointing you to Nothingness. I am not enlightned but I have seen the Absolute many times at this point from a variety of angles, deeper than some teachers. I have seen the Heart Sutra's truth for myself, and it is true as fuck. Realizing the Heart Sutra is what you want.

@DoubleYou Form is identical to formlessness. The Heart Sutra says it perfectly. The only trouble is becoming so insanely conscious to see it. It's right there under your nose. Don't go looking elsewhere. You are inside Nothingness at all times.

15/08/18 Beautiful discovery. Was browsing the forums, stepped on the thread something titled like "how come something come into being from nothing". Out of nowhere, with just this title give this enlightenment to me. I've been (universe) always there. Alone (not sad, loneliness on human level). IT"S SO BEAUTIFUL. I"M (UNIVERSE) SO BEAUTIFUL. WORDS CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS. I (universe) wanted to experience how's it to be with others, OTHERS (human beings you me different awareness) I wanted to create and experience love because I can, I'M THE INFINITE CLAY (As Leo told in his consciousness video), I guess on the human level, my mind is not remembering something such enlightened gurus used to tell but rather getting to understand all these. There still ego persist within me. I agree upon It's like my child. It's all up to the grace, the nothingness itself to unfold this whatever destination. I won't be bitching about ego. It's how I'm manifested into this world. Beautiful. My human body just wants to burst into tears, burst into my pant and burst every liquid that can come out from my body with emotions filled up. Just stay here. Stay within this. It's so beautiful

@Leo Gura What do you think of the distinction between the words nothingness and no-thingness? As in, one pointing to the absence of anything altogether and the other pointing to the absence of "things" and objects. Rupert Spira for example says; It's not a thing, but it's not nothing. Would you agree with that?

Because when you finally realize it, you'll say, "OMG! It's NOTHING!!!" There are many words for it that we use: Nothingness Formless Everything The ALL Oneness Nonduality Absolute Emptiness Void Mu True Self No-self God Brahman Infinity Absolute Infinity Apeiron Etc.

There are two facets of Mother Nature - the dependent and the inherent aspects. These two aspects would exist concurrently and can be illustrated in a mathematical equation as below: - [FACET 1] … (-2+2) + (-16+16) + (-22+22) + (-133+133) + (0) + (-54+54) …, etc = 0 [FACET 2] Key: - FACET 1 = dependent arising. = the existence of mind - that conjures up perceptions, conceptions, labels, names, descriptions, shapes, values, languages, etc. = the existence of rising and falling phenomena. = the existence of beginning and ending processes. = all subjects and objects are created i.e. inherent existence is devoid. = the emptiness could be realised in various stages. FACET 2 = inherent existence. = the absence of mind to conjure up perceptions, conceptions, labels, names, descriptions, shapes, values, languages, etc. = the absence of beginning and ending processes. = the absence of conditional phenomena. = nothing has ever been created or changed. = the Buddha nature. Zero (0) = intermediation = absence = emptiness but not nothingness, = a mathematical value intermediate between positive and negative values. = the absence of any or all units under consideration. ...(-2+2) + ... + (-133+133) ... = values of fluxes that are dependent arising. ... + (-2+2) + (-54+54) + ... = this arising, that arises. ... + (0) + ... = this ceasing, that ceases = a stage of enlightenment. = all dependent arising are completely blown-off or extinguished. = a stage of perfect intermediation = a stage of absence = a complete realisation of emptiness. ( .... ) = the law of kamma = the universal law of balancing. -2+2 or -133+133 = the law of attraction. From the above mathematical equation, one could summarise the conclusions as below: - 1. Mother Nature is a system of constant with a factor of intermediation or absence. It means that nature would orientate toward a state of balance, intermediation or absence at all times. 2. When things run off-balance or when one stirs up in the nature - be it in volitional or non-volitional sense, the natural law that maintains equilibrium would take its course to balance it in one way or another across time and the planes of existence. 3. Anything that inherently exists would not involve change and created objects cannot inherently exist since that would involve change. 4. The dependent nature is similar to the inherent nature. An absence of any or all units under consideration is not equivalent to nothingness of any or all units under consideration. A perfect intermediation would mean a comprehensive absence of any or all units under consideration. It is also known as a complete neutralisation of conditional phenomena. The two facets of Mother Nature would always exist because it is universal and does not take sides; it merely maintains the equilibrium in accordance with a system that runs on perpetuity. And every existence (sentient, non-sentient, or any material things) consists of energy and matter that would orientate toward a harmoniously balanced condition that is in accordance with the universal laws of nature. In other words, all things or matters would only exist in perpetual conditions when there is a balanced circumstance. This is because when there is a balanced circumstance, there is a chance for aggregation i.e. under a balanced phenomenon, one could witness shapes or forms arising; under an imbalanced phenomenon, one could witness no shapes or forms arising and the cycle of conditional phenomena continues repeatedly. In other words, balance does not mean a devoid of duality or multiplicity, just like emptiness does not amount to nothingness. One clear example that can exemplify the dependent nature would be the orientation of a compass – an instrument used to indicate directions. The needle of a compass is magnetised and would always point toward magnetic north under any varying circumstances. Moreover, the dependent nature of phenomena is a necessary prerequisite for energy or matter to exist; without it, the energy or matter would be impossible. In the material Universe, the elements of energy become the main source for the something that arises as in object; rather than the general perception of nothingness. Everything in the material Universe is made up of energy. Atoms and molecules are made up of energy. Our bodies, our clothes, our cars, our houses are all made up of energy but what makes them different is their vibration. Energy is always vibrating at a different frequency under the influence of conditional phenomena. Everything has its own vibrational frequency – our thoughts, our feelings, the rock, the table, the car, the animal, the plant, the tree, etc. Even colours are merely expressions of certain vibrational frequencies. These scenarios are guided by a system of universal law known as the law of vibration. In fact, the law of vibration serves as a foundation for the law of attraction. The law of attraction states that we attract what we are sending out i.e. like attracts like, unlike repels unlike. Hence, favourable energies attract favourable energies and unfavourable energies attract unfavourable energies. Human thoughts are cosmic waves of energy that penetrate all time and space and it is the most potent vibration that can attracts what is desired or wished for. In other words, all sentient beings are electro-magnetic beings with the subtle mind consciousness that acts as an antenna or a radar detector constantly attracting and magnetising vibrational frequencies. Human thoughts are frequencies to which other similar frequencies are constantly resonating. This resonance is the basis for a universal law – the law of attraction. At the end of the day, the material Universe is merely a momentary appearance conjured up from a continuum of orientating energy and matter in space under the influence of conditional phenomena. Just like ice, water and steam are different appearances deriving from the orientation of H2O properties under the influence of the external conditions. In other words, it is the orientation of H2O properties that has taken place to conjure up the momentary outcome of it. The dependent nature is also an inherent existence whereby it is unchanging when viewed externally, uncaused, indestructible and eternal. This can be depicted in the repeating cycle of birth, life, death and re-birth in Mother Nature.

Why nothingness would have a substance? You're not digging deeper and chipping nothingness at it's core, because it has no core. Nothingness is not a mental/visual imagination, it's the lack of everything we know and can imagine and conceptualize. The very fabric of reality is the opposite of nothing. That's what the entire scientific model/paradigm is operating on. If this is nothing then what is anything?

The 2 biggest challenges I faced during meditation is physical pain and sleepiness - until recently. I meditate in the cover of night, when everyone sleeps in the other rooms. Leaning my back on the chair's backrest will make sleepiness kick in, if I don't lean my back, physical pain will start to distract me. How I solved this? By slowly drinking 750 ml of very strong Black Tea 15 min before the practice, my meditation session effortlessly skyrocketed from 20 min to 120 min in one night! Here's how it went: 0-31 min - Concentration Meditation: (on breath): I noticed how the ego will use different kinds of distractions (positive, negative and neutral thoughts) to keep me in the Great Illusion, this made me slightly angry at the my ego's nature. I also felt waves of gratitude and slight euphoria wash over me at the end. short break- to pee and just stand up (it's extremely bad to sit for more then 30 min without standing up, read google) 35-67 min - Do Nothing: I managed to enter some deep "nothingness states" in short bursts, I wasn't sleeping nor "present". short break 70 min-102 min - Neti-Neti Self Inquiry: During this practice I noticed anger build up, as though the ego didn't want to acknowledge it doesn't exist. At the end of this practice I opened my eyes and looked at my hands: 1 sec they felt mine, the other sec they didn't feel mine, then again mine, not mine, mine, not mine. During this I "felt" my consciousness "quickly shift" from duality to non-duality. This lasted for about 30 sec. Mind Blowing! short break (just laid on the floor contemplated on the experience) 110-135 min - Concentration Meditation: Now I started to feel the effects of tea wear off (fuck), so sleepiness started to kick in. Still meditated though. I slept extremely deep. My dreams were unusually vivid and long. May Infinity Bless You!

Almost a month ago I've had the Most Important Experience in my life, and here I want to put it all out because I want to be of service to those brave hearts, who entered this interesting and scary path of Truth, share some wisdom from Martin Ball and also I need your opinions and perspectives on what has happened and what it was about. First, I will show the table of contents, so you understand what will be discussed: Story itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa The most beautiful people I've ever met Kambo Octavio Rettig - the bravest warrior First session - Screaming Baby (With M.Ball comment) Second Session - Am I Dead? Third Session - Birth of The Men (With M.Ball comment) After-effects Ego strikes back (With M.Ball comment) There is so much work to do Ending Questions Story Itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Okay, so I'm 23 y.o. and I'm from Russia, Saint-Petersburg About 4 years ago I was lucky enough to know about the Leo's channel while searching in the Internet on "how to deal with depression". I was at my first course of getting a degree and life seemed very boring, very stupid and did not make any sense, so I've started to learn about life, going to psychotherapist, reading books and watching Actualized.org videos and meditating. Years go by, I've improved myself and my despair turns into Curiosity. I was learning more about meditation, enlightenment, have some profound but stupid experience with Nbome (high harm potential), than I was on the Ayahuasca retreat and keep contemplating more about Nature of Reality and working with purification of self from traumas. Because of my ADHD (in Russia doctors know about it even less than an average American) it's hard for me to keep on long run for achieving something, so thats why when I've heard about 5-meo-dmt I become very intrested in working with it - I'm ready to do the steps which are better despite the fact that they are harder. In 2017 Leo leaked on the Blog information about Bufo Alvarius retreat in Barcelona. When I wrote to organisator there already was no room for participation. So the next year, when letter was dropped to my inbox I was excited so much, so I booked a place for myself immediately. I was very determined to go there and my goals were - 1) To realize the True Nature of Everything by my own experience 2) To connect more with my heart, which was really numb. Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa For those, who are really interested in participation I want to share some information about environment and atmosphere around the place. The cost of the whole retreat was 550 euro, in that price was included: accommodation in the villa from 12th to 16th of July, three meals a day, Kambo ceremony, smoking toad venom with Octavio Rettig (I've made it 3 times). Villa was located in the Catalonian hills near little town, it's specifically prepared for events like Ayahuasca ceremony, San-Pedro etc. There is no houses around, so nobody can interrupt by accident. The house was big and very cozy, if you are alone you'll live in the common room for other men/women. But there was also a space for couples. Food was simple but very good (and Spanish). Environment was perfect - crickets made their natural trance music all the time, trees and mountains on the horizon was as beautiful as the night sky full of stars which you will never be able to see in a big city. The most beautiful people I've ever met The atmosphere was very cozy, the owners of villa - old spanish couple, which were very very kind and funny (they were hippies in the past). There was 30 people who was participating in the retreat (about 50% women, 50% men) and you can't even imagine how deep I was fulfilled because of the reason that I can have a real-life conversations about life/death/purpose/enlightenment/psychedelics etc. Those were the bravest and the most open people I've met in my life and the whole retreat was bounded with love and compassion to each other. Of course it was possible also because of the atmosphere of retreat and maybe if we've met in the metro or bank queue I'd never feel anything like this. But thats why setting is very important and there it was very good. I've met about 4 or 5 people who was watching Actualized.org - and those were the youngest ones). I've met a 21 girl from Europe, who already has had an experience with Bufo in the last year and after that she was going non-dual from time to time. Also I've met a guy from British Islands who has got his Life Purpose course done and his experience with 5-meo was very very profound, he has done a great job and it was very satisfying to see that we are not just mental masturabators, who pretend that they are Spiritual or Developed, but really are brave young human beings who are ready to do hard and scary work to become better and know what the fuck this strange Reality is! Kambo For me it wasn't feeling very profound. I was doing it for the first time, so it was a little dosage of frog nectar for me. So, I've made a half bucket of my own vomit, let a lot of my shit on the toilet (this one about holding emotions inside). When you do Kambo ceremony the next day is the day, when you feel lighter, more energetic and free. But for me it was very hard to recognize is it working or not. I have hard times feeling my body and sensations which occur (I'm very "in mind" person) and also I was so happy for an opportunity to communicate with so much interesting people, so it felt like even without any medicine I would feel myself very energetic and happy!) Octavio Rettig - the bravest Warrior Oh, this one is huge, so I don't even want to go deep. I'll be short: this men touched the darkest bottom of his Ego while have been addicted to crack-cocaine in Mexico and from skinny half-dead junky he turned himself to be the most authentic, inspiring and selfless human being I've ever seen. I recommend you to read his book "The Toad of Dawn" and learn more about him and his work. But you'd better be prepared - he won't crouch with your Ego and expectations about reality and how something should be. If you had a cocaine addiction and came to him for cure, it's not necessary that he will be kind with your Ego. He will be as it is required, because he knows very very well in what kind of shit hole you are. For me personally Octavio is a hero and an example of Man, who is not domesticated by collective Ego. It does not mean that he is cruel or harsh, quite the opposite. It feels like Universe is going through him without any filters and for those, who are used to politically correct media entertainment he can be shocking a little, so you better prepare yourself. P.s. Dr. Rettig has more than 8000 ceremonies in his practice, but It is true, that he has lethal cases in his experience: 3 people died while participating in the ceremony. 2 old men by some heart issue and one 26 years old women, whose cause of death is unknown to me. For 8000 - 3 people is a very little statistic, I guess more people die from skiing. So if you decide to participate you better know your health situation and know, that is not a fucking joke. Go see some videos about him and his work: VICE Documentary about Bufo Alvarius First Session - Screaming Baby After the first breath, I remember just how much everything was before my eyes turned into a bunch of "pixels" that broke visible reality into thousands of energy circles. My whole body began to dissolve in infinity. There was only breathing and singing Octavio. The energy was very very overwhelming for this unprepared mind and body I remember how I was found myself lying down and screaming as loudly as it was possible. As I unwillingly shouted and tore the grass under my hands, and Octavio sang next to me and seemed to help me. My scream reminded me of myself. When I came back conscious, I laid on my back and sat on me, speaking English: "Welcome brother, welcome." I looked at him and my heart was full of self-pity, I felt tears in my eyes and took his hand. People gathered around me because of my scream, I looked around trying to understand what exactly happened. Octavio gathered people into a common circle and began to say gratitude to the earth, God and sun, and then to sing and jump. I looked around and tried to understand what had happened. My knees shook and tears streamed down my cheeks. P.s. When I come back to Russia I had questions which I've asked Martin Ball about some issues and reactions which had happened with me. Here are some of his answers on my screaming: Second Session - Am I Dead? Surprisingly, almost all the times when I came to my senses after trips I felt the need to attract attention and hoped that something extraordinary had happened to me. This is some strange game of the Ego, which I still do not understand. I completely do not remember what happened during the trip, but I remember when I started coming back, that the atmosphere around me seemed very restless. I had false memories of Octavio hanging over me with a worried look, I heard someone beside him nauseating and vomiting, Octavio spoke Spanish, and I thought he was worried. In the window the organizer was talking to someone on the street. It seemed to me that everything went downhill. It seemed that I was dead and that's why people around are worried. I could not believe it, but at the same time I felt embarrassed and regretted that it happened. "Did I really die? That sucks." I tried to get up from the grass and see if my body remains on the ground. Fortunately, everything was in order. A beautiful girl (assistant) came up to me and I told her that I was worried and thought that I was dead. She said that I lay still and looked peaceful. It turned out that in reality nothing extraordinary happened or disturbed. It just "seemed" like that for me. Later, when I approached Octavio and said "I thought I was dead," he said "Next time we'll kill you for sure". Third Session - Birth Of The Man For the third time, I inhaled the smoke of the substance and held it in my lungs. I looked straight ahead and tried to keep awareness. The grass, the horizon in front of me and the celestial vault again turned into "pixels." I can not track the time between when I was "cut down". But the video shows that I started screaming and rolling on the ground even more intensively than in the previous times. I grabbed my face and cried with all my might, it seemed to me that it was necessary to shout. It was so intense that at some point it seemed to me that from crying my head would burst in two, starting from the mouth. Several people took my hands and feet to move away from people who were sitting in the shade. Then, as the video shows, I was blown into the nose of "Rapé", first into one nostril, then to the other. I paused and in half a minute Octavio pulled me up so that I would rise to my feet. I stood opposite to him and held my hands to his shoulders. After a few seconds I began to make growling sounds and said, looking into his eyes: "You fucking made it!", And then "You are warrior!" And grabbed him by the hair. Octavio shouted and asked me to let go, but I did not. Several men came to the rescue. Octavio got out of my grip, and I teased and rambled incoherently. When Rodrigo helped Octavio break free from my hands, I turned my attention to him and began to tell him "I love you so much", "Let me kiss you!", "Do you find me sexy?". When I said these phrases I feel a sense of playfulness and insane self-confidence, as well as satisfaction. It was not a flirtation (I guess), it was a celebration of life in a healthy male young body. I was happy and showed everyone around that I'm alive and free, I love myself, life and the whole world! Then I, enjoying the feeling of free energy and excitement and ecstasy from life, began to say "I love myself!" "I'm a beast!". I felt myself as if my entire body was free and spoke with sensations "Finally! At last everything is as it should have always been! ". I showed everyone around, to my friends who knew the Truth to a greater or lesser extent, that I'm free and happy. I felt and showed that life is the triumph of itself in all manifestations and we can only love, enjoy and express ourselves to the full, because everything is PERFECT in itself and nothing matters. P.s. Here I also have a commentary from Martin Ball After Effects Ego strikes back So before plane has even touched mother Russia's ground, I was back to my weak-willed behaviour. Our last night in spain was in Barcelona so we went to a McDonalds , I've made some sandwiches with baloney and cheese etc. It's hard for me to keep a clean diet (I guess because of weak vision). When I was back to Russia the first couple of days was kinda normal. I met my friends, told them about my experience, even made a lot of notes about it. But without any doubts I was aware that I have not a fucking clue about what should I do with my life. I was anxious and knew that I've got commitments on a job which I must follow, but wasn't able to push myself and for a couple of weeks my After-life was about watching youtube and porn, reading books (cause I didn't have a problem with doing something that I love), eating unhealthy food and feeling myself not very good. Also I've bought the Life Purpose course almost a year ago and couple month ago, almost at the end of it, I've started to procrastinate on it very badly. I was aware that my problem revolves around lack of vision and purpose. And as I understand it - enlightenment is something that is hard to make the purpose itself. Purpose is more about impact on the world. But even I was aware, I didn't have strength to work with the course. But after the retreat I realized that beating and judging yourself is never an option. Love is really the answer, you can think about it like the gasoline, which needed to run the engine. The less love you have, the less strengths and ability to do something good you also have. When I've reached the point of apathy, which made me too worried (cause I really started to behave in the direction of loosing job) I also asked Martin Ball about that issue, and here what he's answer was: Yeah, so I tried to not hate myself and abuse with negative thinking and try to let everything go until something will happen by itself. My relatives asked me to live in their countryside apartments with cats and a dog, while they have a vacation. So I went there and first couple of days I wasn't doing anything except drinking coffee and racing in GTA Online. And what I find very nice - I was really having fun while playing. Really! I was laughing, while sitting alone because of excitement of races! I really started to feel something new inside my heart) At some point, I even had a bad conversation with my boss, after which she said that I no longer need to come to work! I was very frustrated with my job, because I lost any sense of how is my job connected to my heart and generating love and fulfillment. And you need to understand, after I came back from retreat the option of me dying or going broke or getting fired was not scary for me as much. Because I testified by myself, not by Leo's or someone else video, books or articles - I'm THE FUCKING NOTHINGNESS! I am the NUCLEAR REACTOR which always on the half-life! I am THE MOST UNEXPECTED BY ANY MIND! I AM THE MOST LOVING CHILD AND THE MOST PERVERTED PEDOPHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY! So do you really think I was bothered about the perspective of becoming broke or fired? No, not really. There is so much work to do But I was aware, that every game has its own rules. And now, when I become aware of the game very well It becomes even harder to do some stupid nonsense, which I don't love. And this makes me even more responsible. So I realized it and become very determined to finish my course. I've made all the remaining exercises and now I have my Life Purpose in the one concrete sentence and I have a vision which become more solid every day. Now my goal is to embody my Purpose - understanding as deep as possible Spiral Dynamics, Mysticism and Spirituality, purify myself, move to Netherlands, become a consultant and become great, because I really want to love myself, without intimidation. At that point of my Journey I find hard to understand the nondual nature of everything to the point, where I can do some stupid work and still enjoying being. P.s. After I've become aware of my Life Purpose and Vision it have become much easier to do stupid job for paying my bills, because I understand that it's a tool for sometheng bigger. I was searching for the Purpose, without it any job seems shitty. Now I'm doing it from the place of Love, not from worries, anxiety and fear. Here is something what Martin said about Love and Being: And a little bit about surrender: Ending That was a very big one, but after I went to the retreat where were so many people, who can share my pain and my joy, I'm starting to really appreciate the importance of Unity and Friendship. I want to feel a bound with those of you, who went through these trials and tribulation. I want to say, that I am not 100% sure in any of what I've said. I'm really not sure that I get even 5% of my experience right and am not a deluded mothefucker with very slippery mind. Thank you very much for attention and now I dare to ask even more. Please, help me understand myself more and where I'm at. I will ask some of questions that occur, but I'm also waiting your honest comments and maybe even debunking of my thoughts and insights. Also thank Leo very much for his work, I think I could probably have killed myself in the past, if not having had such a great tool for growth. If anybody wants to communicate with me/ask about anything/participate in the next Retreat etc - You are very very welcome to my inbox P.s. Sorry for my English, I'm not aware where exactly I have a mistakes, so it's hard to fix it) Questions Based on the text you read, where do you think I'm on the spiral dynamics? Based on the text you read, where do you think I was and am on the Hero's Journey? What do you think I really missed? Where do you think I really delude myself? What you feel or think about everything or something that you read? What conclusions did you draw after reading? Based on the text you read how you will characterized me in one sentence? Do you have any advice for me? Why you think it can help growth or realize myself?

And the once you achieve your dream of becoming a very famous celebrity you will realize that you will one day die and be forgotten to the sands of time. What then, when you realize that your celebrity status hasn't saved you from your own mortality? And all those beautiful, talented, ugly, and untalented people are all under ground in a hundred years in just the same way being eaten by ants and worms with flesh rotted away. None of them significant and none of them insignificant. You sound so much like me when I was a teenager. I was suffering under the delusions that you are until I had my experiences of ego transcendence. I wanted to be better than everyone else and I couldn't stand being looked over in a crowd. I wanted the world to stop once I died, and for the whole world to care about me. And I lived my entire life for the legacy that I would leave after I died. My life wasn't important to me at all... only my legacy. And I was so neurotic because of my megalomania. I carried the weight of the universe on my shoulders because of my delusions of grandeur. And even as I achieved the things that I wanted to achieve, there was only a brief high of achieving significance. Then, I would go seeking again for more and more significance, like a drug. And a drug that I had to find ways to get, otherwise I was afraid I might fade away into nothingness. I had to be the best and come off just a particular way. What I didn't realize is that I had created a prison for myself and I was wasting my life for an idea. And that idea was my self-concept that I wanted everyone to know about and for that self-concept to be eternal. But the self-concept was never real... it was just an idea. Is this idea of superiority worth sacrificing your entire being over? What if you just allowed yourself to be human? What monsters would attack you then? Would you realize that you're not immune from the reaper then?

Why don't you just try it? 5-meo that is. materialist paradigm doesn't make sense to me. How does the brain create consciousness, if the brain exists within consciousness? I don't really feel like a software program is analogous to consciousness, it's more analogues to your sensory experience whereas hardware is the physical components of those experiences. The sensory experience is not consciousness itself, although its made of consciousness, its happening within awareness/consciousness. I assume you confusing are consciousness with actual sensory information, but you gotta question where that sensory information is taking place... Even if you do believe in materialism, consider how everything comes from within you or within the brain. The brain is creating its sensory experience and the external world, but because that is literally grounded in nothing, its almost a circular experience and can be concluded as an illusion or dream because there's no ground! The materialist paradigm fails at conceptualizing consciousness because it is literally empty, boundless, "space". If you have a deep psychedelic experience, you will see the contents within consciousness "space" such as sensory experience is akin to an illusion, you will actually sense that nothingness within your sensory experience and come to realize it is as real as a dream experiences - because its all consciousness. hence why Leo says that reality = fantasy, Life = Death, because it actually infused within one another. Like yin-yang.

It's been a week and a half since my last entry and lots of things have changed. I have connected more with my heart, and I know feel a relaxing, soft and blissful energy there that has been a blessing, in that I now know that I can trust in this energy centre completely as the source of my own happiness. It's been quite a flow, things come and things go. I was lead to this website called https://www.alphaimaging.co.nz and have been reading passionately about the ascended masters, and how they can help me ascend right here and right now. I ordered a protection grid from them, and was guided into a deep realm of nothingness by the masters for the grid to be put in place. I have also been reading a lot about the masters on other websites, and feel very drawn to their teachings which all come down to awakening the heart/secret chamber of the heart/holy heart as they call it. My ascended master is Lord Lanto. You can go on the website and find yours, only if you are serious and with pure intentions. My practices have changed too. I am starting to learn Iyengar yoga and surya Namaskar after the massage I had at the Thai place. They said I was so tense, so I thought that this type of exercise would really help with that. I am also practicing the OM Mantra and the Ujjayi breathe to help amplify my heart-centred awareness. I also have been experimenting with solfeggio frequencies, particularly that channeled by Nicola Tesla here: https://aurareader.com/blog/the-flow-of-the-i-am and I created this for this process: https://mega.nz/#!ulIAAaoQ!bqhm-KIa9k-p0lAqSIIYulSB7XAL2eKsHMQV-IdBFcw. In addition I have started to do affirmations, where I say whatever comes to mind, and use it to surrender into the heart, and this creates heightened experiences of awareness and relaxation too. Other than that I have been getting outside more, and having more fresh air, just enjoying life. I have phases where I realise how this reality is grounded in nothingness, and that I am nothingness; and this gives me a taste of just how surrendered a master really is to the divine. Other times I feel extremely grateful for being alive, and this increases the more I do the practices above sincerely. I do have a few books on decrees to the cosmic masters of the universe, however, I only say them while I'm home alone for everyone would think I had lost the plot praying to Hercules and Ares and Jesus etc. One amazing thing I learnt is that our higher self is the ascended master version of ourself. This blew my mind. The higher self is what we will become yes, but that is an ascended master too? It's very interesting and helped me give even more attention to the current ascended masters who are more evolved than my own higher self. Truly they are beings that shine brighter than any star. Another is to take this journey slowly, to not rush into things, and do things moment by moment. I have a long life ahead, and so there is no rush to ascend. And ironically when I take importance off of ascension and evolution and just be happy in this moment, that is what evolves me. This is because any thought at all that I give attention is another vote for the lower self. I vote for love as best as I can. Blessings.

Sadhguru Shoonya meditation is something to look up to if you want nothingness.

I am not enlightened and I haven't had not even one little awakening experience. But from all the videos / books / posts I've seen / read, my conceptual understanding of the nature of reality is: I. Reality is not physical, it's experiential. II. Experiences occur inside intelligent empty awareness (God / consciousness / nothingness). Nothingness is what creates experience and perceives it. III. Experiences are not separate from nothingness, they are made out of it. IV. There is only one thing that exists. All 'individual consciousnesses' are interconnected and inseparable. Reality is indivisible. So, that's my basic understanding of nonduality (please correct me if I'm wrong or missing something). I don't want to seem arrogant, but the reason I've created this thread is that I'm frustrated by seeing posts the authors of which (it seems to me) severely misunderstand non-duality (things like "Leo is a narcissistic psychopath, he thinks he is God!"). It seems like a very simple thing. Why do people so often misunderstand it, or maybe I misunderstand it myself?