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is that the place of peacefull infinte bliss and love? is that where you rest now and speak out of directly?

I didn´t write this text but I found it at the right time in my life and wanted to share it if someone else would need it. I feel there is quite a few questions about the dark night of the soul and such here so it might be interesting to someone. I don´t know if the author is enlightened or if this text is true. But it rings true in my ears at least. If Enlightenment Came with a Warning Label… So when you heard about spiritual awakening or enlightenment, what was the prize that you wanted in the end? What was the story that got you hooked? Perhaps it was something about experiencing endless bliss and joy, or maybe it was the end of suffering, or perhaps it was about experiencing constant Oneness with the Divine. Maybe it was the answer to all your life’s questions. It may be something else entirely, but whatever the case may be, I’m sure the bait was very shiny and attractive, yes? :lol It turns out that they don’t give you the full story when you start playing the game. What I’m about to share isn’t meant to discourage people on the path, but simply to help them be conscious if and when these things start occurring. These things don’t necessarily mean that something has gone wrong, although it may certainly seem that way. A helpful book to those who are experiencing the following symptoms is You’re Not Going Crazy… You’re Just Waking Up! Now, if spiritual awakening was to come with a series of warning labels, what would be printed on those labels? Warning: All your beloved attachments are going to be taken away from you. Everything you hold near and dear to your heart you must be completely and utterly willing to lose them. The more you hold onto them, the more you’ll suffer. It is only in the willingness to let go that find your freedom. By the way, letting go as a technique to trick the universe into granting your freedom, as in saying that you let go while peeking over your shoulder to see what’s to come, that doesn’t cut it. You can’t B.S. your way there. Believe me, I’ve tried… No one else has been able to pull that one off either. :lol Warning: You will experience dark nights of the soul. You will experience your entire world crumbling down. You will experience intense emotional roller coasters, to the point where you literally may feel like you’re going crazy. Warning: You must let go of all of your judgments and false sense of worth. You know all those accomplishments you’ve achieved in this lifetime? What do you brag about? You must let go of holding onto any of them as a way to enhance your self-worth and boost your sense of self. Your trophies and medals, while certainly valuable in their own right, they must lose their importance as something that makes you feel better or worthy. You are not valuable because of anything you have ever done or ever will do. You are valuable simply because you are. Because you exist. All the blows to your pride and are ways to help you let go of your false sense of worth and open up to the realization of your true worth. Warning: You must let go of all your ideas about God. In order to find God, you must quit telling yourself you already know God. All the ideas that you’ve grown up hearing, being taught, holding onto, or rejecting, all of them have to be let go of in order to be seen through. Warning: You will find yourself entering a place with no rules, no shoulds and shouldn’ts, no technique, no strategies, and no room for all of your egoic stuff and the energy of division. Warning: Your ego will throw fits. Your painbody will go crazy. Your buttons will get pushed. Your ego will throw out every trick in its book. When you start learning how to get past its tricks, it’ll become more sneaky and subtle. As you advance, your ego advances. It all happens to bring more awareness to the energies within, to help you let go of that which you previously have been unconscious to. Warning: The egoic dangers don’t end after awakening. In fact, as Adyashanti points out, the dangers after awakening get more dangerous and there’s much more of them. For example, one can settle in to seeing the Absolute as the only valid perspective and disregarding the world of the relative because it’s all “illusion.” This can lead to some very unconscious behavior and a letting go of changing that because “it doesn’t matter” and “there’s no one to change it.” Remember, the world is illusion, yes. Brahman alone is real, yes. BUT, the world IS Brahman. This is true non-duality: seeing the Reality in the so-called illusion as one. Warning: Just because you wake up, that doesn’t mean that everyone will love you and you’ll never have any struggles in life again. Just look at Jesus if you have any doubts about that one. Warning: You must come out of hiding. All the dark stuff within you that you haven’t been wanting to look at and be truthful about, it’ll all come up to the surface. All that stuff you hide from other people, the things you don’t want to show to others or to yourself, your inside will become your outside. There’s no hiding ANYTHING from anyone. It’s a deep deep level of vulnerability, sincerity, and self-honesty. Warning: All your life lessons will come to the surface. You’ll have to look at and accept everything. There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to go. You can only be here, now. There’s no one to become. Waking up isn’t a self-improvement course. Although it may appear this way on the surface, the point of waking up isn’t to become more spiritual, more loving, more enlightened, or more acceptable in the eyes of God. It’s about Self-realization, about realizing who and what you really are. You return back to your natural state and be who you really ARE, that which doesn’t have to be created, manifested, or maintained. Warning: The farther you go, the more painful it becomes to deviate from the Truth of your being. Think of it this way: If you walk into a tree at 2 mph, it’s no big deal. If you whack a tree while running as fast as you can, it’s gonna hurt. The deeper you go into Being, the more painful it is when you lie even just a little bit, hold back your Truth, don’t allow yourself to be who you are, resist what is, judge another, or in any way violate natural laws. You get a lot less slack. In Zen they call it walking the Razor’s Edge. Deviate even a little bit and you quickly get cut. Warning: You have to take complete and total responsibility for everything and everyone that shows up in your life. As your consciousness begins returning back to its natural state of timelessness, manifestation starts happening much more clearly and the link between inner thoughts and vibrations and outer manifestation becomes REALLY clear. No longer do you get the luxury of blaming others or judging others. Everything you see as a problem in others instantly gets turned around and becomes your problem. You’ll begin taking on a lot more pressure once everyone’s problems start to become yours. The world truly is your mirror. All the problems you really have with others really are problems you have within yourself. Get to work on surrender. It becomes a much more necessary skill later on. Warning: You must accept that you’ll never “get there,” that you’ll never “arrive.” You could spend an entire lifetime on this journey and never wake up. Indeed that has happened to many people. In fact, so long as you cling to your desire to get somewhere, you’ll never actually wake up to what’s already here. You must surrender completely your desire to succeed in your path of awakening. You must accept the fact that you may embark on the journey, never to actually get enlightened. Warning: You may feel very connected and One with Source/All That Is at times, and you will also experience yourself feeling totally disconnected, lost, confused, and cut off. It’s a horrible feeling. It’s the experience of pure separation, they very illusion we are trying to see beyond. Warning: Even if you get a glimpse of the Truth of your Being once or twice or a hundred times, the egoic structure may rebuild itself, leading to the experience of being unenlightened, or what we call a non-abiding awakening. Adyashanti reports that it usually takes people anywhere from 3-15 years for the momentum of awakening to settle in. Although it doesn’t happen in the future and can only happen in the now, don’t expect an overnight insta-fix. Warning: Just because you have a clear seeing of who you really are, that’s not the end of the journey. The first question is “Who Am I?” Once that’s discovered, it now becomes a matter of how what I AM manifests itself in this world. The second question upon realization is, “How then shall I live?” It’s not enough to have the inner realization. That realization must express itself out through the totality of your being for it to become a living realization. Warning: You must completely and utterly let go of control, of even controlling your survival, much less your destiny. You must be willing to die, to face the fear of death and surrender into it without attempting to stop it or control it in any way. The fear of death and the unknown become your friends. No longer will you be running from them. Warning: The more you begin living in the moment and letting go of the domination of your consciousness by your mind, you may begin experiencing memory loss. Whole blocks of memory will begin falling away. It’s not exactly like Alzehimer’s, but there very well may be some significant loss of short-term and/or long-term memory as you begin relying less upon memory and more upon a deeper intuitive knowingness. Warning: You may have intense kundalini awakenings to where it will feel like your entire nervous system is being overloaded. Many people have literally gone insane from this. It can be helpful to seek out some helpful resources including other people who have experienced similar symptoms, various practices you can do to work with the energies, and even a guru to help guide you safely through the process. Warning: You may experience cycles of confusion and clarity. In one moment you may be very wise, deep, loving, and compassionate, and in the next moment the cloudiness of the veil will return and you will no longer have a clue as to what’s going on. You may become sucked right back into your ego, experiencing your deepest and darkest fears. Warning: There is tremendous value in working with others, but you must learn to stand in your aloneness. Many of your relationships may change. Friends and family that have been close to you your whole life may be let go of. Some people will come, others will go. Some stay for the long haul. Which ones will stay and which ones will go? Who knows? The flow of the river will determine that more than any conscious decision. You can try to make it a conscious decision, but that will actually be more of a resistance to the flow and a desire to control than anything else. You don’t get to control the process. It happens. The you you think you are doesn’t make it happen. Warning: You don’t get anything as a result of awakening. There’s no thing you get as a prize such as a good feeling such as a constant never-ending wonderful enlightened experience or a boost to your self-esteem. (What self would we be talking about anyways who has a self-esteem?) You get nothing, but BOY what a nothing it is. By seeing that you ARE that nothingness, and that you ARE the entire universe arising from that nothingness, you realize that what you ARE is already more than anything that could ever be wanted, as Gangaji so beautifully puts it. Whew!! Now as I say all of this I’m laughing. In certain moments it can be a crazy, wild, intense, OMG-I’m-gonna-die experience, yes, particularly when you’re in the heat of the moment, but it’s like waking up from a dream at night… You recognize that it was all just a dream and it doesn’t feel like it was actually all that real. What you ARE is infinitely more real than anything that appears in this world. Those experiences will begin to feel so distant and faded, like a memory that you can only partially and vaguely remember, as if it happened to another person entirely in another far-off world. That said, it’s worth it. It’s all SO worth it. The direct realization of who and what you really are is SO worth all of the bumps and jolts that we experience along the way. Things to lighten up as you do. Not everyone will necessarily experience every single thing listed above. For some people, some experiences may be more profound than others. In fact, there are many other things that one may experience that haven’t been listed in this post. Either way, there is a book I’d HIGHLY recommend that people check out titled You’re Not Going Crazy… You’re Just Waking Up! by Michael Mirdad. You can read my full review of it here. For those of you who’ve also been walking the path for a little while now, what “warnings” would you give someone who’s getting started and doesn’t know what to expect? By: Ariel Bravy

@Martin123 this resonates with me. oh my god, how can this be? I've just come back from a break from this place.. and what you write..wow. just perfect for this moment. I'm not sure what happened, but lately I seem to be extremely sensitive. lots of empathy, lots of feelings I get from speaking to people. and it sometimes really hurts.. my heart has just been broken a little. all the suffering is pouring back in, after weeks, months of joy, lightness and bliss. fuck. why. I've made myself vulnerable again. and now I've been crushed again. something little made my heart break. how can I handle this new found sensitivity?

Actually his videos are pretty calming I should spend an afternoon just sitting and watching this guy... maybe I can bliss out with him. (Only looking away to piss in a jar if I need to) Deeply inspiring thought, thanks for sharing! I watched him a long time ago, and I just always wanted to find an excuse for him getting away with that ("he is crazy" "he is on meth", etc). Maybe he is sitting there and tripping? Who knows...

@non_nothing or it takes nothing if he's self realized and just yoloing about it. it's probably 4 hours of continuous bliss and and being in that oneness state - and just recording it vs normally most of us would just sit but yeah, i do still agree. takes balls! love the comments under the video though there are some who question that to be meditation that he is doing. but most think he's lost it - i can see why they may think so kudos to this guy though

yesterday after having a mini joint of w33d, i went into this brief state in which none of the visual/overall experience changed... but it all changed... the best way i can now put it to myself is like all of a sudden being inside of a VR video - except much more deeply (with all 5 senses involved) it was from a place of watching at first... "I" did not notice it... it was rather when "I" noticed that I am in that state... the "am in the state" became "was in that state" I now get why it is said any movement/thought takes you out of it my mind wanted to say/shout/exclaim WOW! and investigate that state and how I got there but any "doing" of that sort took me out of it yet while i was in that state, i sort of understood/noticed/realized that i am in it - without having the need to think about it it was amazing! i'm sure any of you who has had a non-dual experience would know what I am talking about i also have some questions the state did not feel like what I would call "infinte bliss" or "infinte love" i still had a sense of a body in that - i did not disassociate with my body in that moment. i did realize though that I am all of the expereince - with a focal point of view stemming from the body i did not have an experience of death to reach this state i kinda melted into that state i am not asking for or wishing that i go thru the ego death process or torture before arriving in that state again - i am just rather questioning that it was effortless for me... i guess having read up on so many things kinda places different checkpoints in your mind you feel like you will have to go thru to get to that state and that is why there is beauty in "ignorance is bliss" however, i feel that the subtleness of that state for the ones who arent aware of it. will miss it. they will be in that state as much as you might be. but since that concept is so impossible for them, they will miss it.. they DO miss it. anytime someone is watching a movie or an intense sport. you're fully into that experieince. that's no different than a non-dual state it really is so simple now. i am wanting to get back to that state but i know I cannot get there i can desire to get there but i cannot try to get there trying to get there = not getting there action = blocking the entrance MELT INTO IT SLEEP INTO IT DO WHAT YOU NORMALLY DO TO FALL ASLEEP - NOTHING! You let go and go into that state though again, note that i was under the influence of the ganja which may have helped but i think repeatedly going back in that state will help me build that state up. as mooji says: marinate in that oneness <3 and i can also see how letting go of my ego attachments will make me closer and closer to that state all about surrderinding and not minding what happens and accepting all that is <3 <3 <3 love you all I LOVE ME there is no I, so LOVE ME but there is also no me... so just LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE <3

yep. Conditioned chit chat Well yeah I have trouble because I don’t have much of a vocabulary. There is an effort to look up words. But once I look up a word I understand what’s said. The more unknown terms makes it more challenging. Also context plays a big part. But since This holistic understanding of thought I can pretty much capture what said and catch contradictions too. But effort as in psychologically no not at all. That is seen as it arises and thought or time doesn’t operate psychologically.I have really got in touch with movement of thinking/time/self as opposed to content as far as intellectual/verbal meanings. I often look up a word and right away can apply that to my understanding of thought as a whole. But no effort psychologically. Effort psychologically means thought went beyond its limits. Do you see what I mean? Desire, pleasure seeking, looking for happiness through memory/thought means we think doing that will make us whole/complete/in a state of bliss. But thought can never offer that, and when it tries to that just sustained false self.

Hi, guys. Heads up. This is a post about sinking into the meaninglessness of everything, and I will include my own experience as well as many of us. I had problems sleeping most of my life. Most of us have been lying awake in a deep hole, thinking about the world. The meaning. Death. Will I be in an endless black void after my death, until the universe collapse? Infinite darkness. For us who have have these "haunted" (blessed) thoughts know how anxiety, depression and stress works and feels, and how much "muddy" water we have in our cup. How insanely intelligent you are. It`s "rude" to even try project any vocabular on it. My/Our thoughts have been fixated on these issues, for most of my life. Always there. Whenever I was still, I got into this. Twisting the beliefs of atoms as fundemental blocks, only to hear about newer and newer discoveries. String. Void. Now here is where the frustration really went big. What the fuck is this made out of? Who or what "wrote" the laws?! It simply can not be this. Science is explaining all of it, by theory (lol), and no matter how much the paradigm invent, they still was relaxed about the idea of Big Bang. This was just kinda waved over to the side, agreed upon and back to sleep. Cracks me up. We know all about the mechanics, but the blueprint was left murky. Late 2017 we had come this far in science, but scientists had only 5 possible theories to what consciousness is. This brings my palm to my forhead. One year ago I gave up my life. I guess most of us experienced this beautiful moment. I quit geology, quit bodybuilding, quit surfing, and gave up my image. I could not see any meaning anymore. I did my first open eyes meditation in a pool, where after about 2 mins my mind exploded in an instant. "I came back" to myself, looking around at everything in great fear and confusion. I saw the fundemental ego, just like that. Boom, there it was. Of course I got sick, and had to go home, where I did not recognize my appartement. Two weeks of insanity came, where I fell over Alan Watts and Leo. I can not describe how thankful I am for these two sources. Thank you, of all my heart. The words are pathetic to my authentic feeling of love and appreciation. Now, I did live about 6-7 months in pure bliss. "Realising" I am infinite and can`t die. Which funny enough makes so god damn sense, it´s amazing. Some months ago I contemplated on "What is meaning?" for 9 days, 45 minutes each session, and got results. But only a vast intellectual understanding. The feeling of it came one month ago. Now, whatever I want to do I can feel the meaninglessness of it and I give up. Even before I start. I can feel the meaninglessness in objects, thoughts, actually also in family and friends. In life. Whatever meaning there is I have to consciously create it, out of nothing. I am now in a state of smoking weed, playing computer, and not doing anything to get anywhere. Just little me, isolated in my apartement, looking out of the window in awe of it all, but can`t find any meaning. It is a full on helplessness state. And a week ago I honestly felt the bottom of it. I was starved, high as fuck, in my goodie chair and staring at the wall. "This is it". "The bottom". The knowledge of thoughts and ego told me in this moment, that whatever i was saying it was bullshit, but the feeling was very real. I also know "if I am observing it, by definition it is not me", so I also can see that my feelings are also a false "bip" on the radar. But I believe that the subtleness of my mind led me to listen to it anyway. And solidify the thoughts and feelings as "cause and effect", to increase the illusion of time. I have been throught the "Arising and passing away" 3 times before I even tried to meditate, only to discover the feelings of sensations arising moment to moment in Vipassana 1 hour over one month. This became clear, that I am made up of flickers. Which again is content, so this rests kindly back there. Why? Why am I even asking this. I am here cause I asked for it. Whatever happens to me, whatever situation that unfolds, I know it´s due to my subconscious mind, and it wants this. Same with you. I know that I am the creater of my life, and whatever comes it comes. Cause consciousness. It is the most beautiful intersubjective unity, like cells i a vain or networks of streams to combine the similarity to a vain, to create continuity out of singular instant thoughts (I have had the experience of "seing" my thoughts "in my mind" at a distance from me, and it was like a machine gun spitting out singular pictures from what looked like a solid black rock, to create a movie, which blew my mind). How am I to project meaning, if the fundemental projecting is by definition meaninglessness? By fundementally sink into the fact that things just last for an instant, it is not me and I will never ever get satisfied; tells me that whatever is going on I am literally full of shit. Whatever I say or do, I am full of it. How can I create meaning, when there is no fundemental meaning in the first place? Everything is just quiet. And yet everything happens. Where do I go if I already have arrived? This is a post only to be read and answered if you are in the same boat, have experienced it already and came through or if you can identify subjectively with the ongoing "mitote". How do I get on the wave, if the wave is not there. How do i calm the pond from ripples, if there is no pond. How do I clear the sky, when there is fundamentally no sky. If you don`t answer, this will be looked upon positively. Best regards, Christer <3

I have been using Cycloastragenol. It is not a nootropic, but it does have nootropic effects, atleast in my experience. Leo mentions a slowing, or “brain fog” that is likely age related. I take an anti-aging supplement called Cycloastragenol. A bit of science background…Telomeres are strands at the ends of our chromosomes that shorten with each cell division. The telomeres don’t code for anything and are solely protective of useful DNA. Once the telomeres get too short, the cells will (hopefully) stop dividing – if it does not, it can start losing useful DNA with each division, which can cause mutations (e.g. cancer). If the cell does stop dividing as it should, this is called senescence. A senescent cell has limited capacity to repair tissue since it can't divide and make more cells, so as more and more of our cells become senescent, general functionality declines. According to the telomere theory of aging, shortening telomeres are responsibility for much or all of the aging process in humans, and re-lengthening short telomeres would, in theory, slow or even reverse aging. Note, it is not proven that telomere shortening is the primary cause of aging in humans – currently it is only one among several theories. Cycloastragenol is a naturally-occurring molecule found in the Chinese plant, Astragalus. It has been shown to stimulate telomerase activity in humans (and mice), which is the enzyme that lengthens telomeres. Now that the background is out of the way, how do you take cycloastragenol, and what does it do for you? I have been taking 10mg cycloastragenol capsules daily for 2 years, and I have experienced nootropic effects that increase mental alertness and capacity for complex thought – this has been useful for me since my work can be cognitively demanding. These effects are probably more of a return to optimal mental function rather than hyper-functionality that Leo describes for some of the supplements in his video. The effects are significant, but too mild to be compared to any stimulant or psychedelic in any way. Cycloastragenol is intended as an anti-aging drug, not specifically a nootropic. I have experienced other effects as well, including decreased tiredness during the day and higher metabolism. Other users report better quality of sleep, faster growth of hair and fingernails, and quicker recovery from physical exertion and illness. I have not experienced any side effects. These pills are not addictive, and I am not aware of any tolerance that the body will build up over time. The effects have been persistent (e.g. there’s no peak and decline after you take it), which is to be expected of a treatment that repairs the body – the effects last beyond the half-life of the drug in the bloodstream. However, the onset was slow. I took this drug for about two weeks before noticing any effects, and I can stop taking it for around 1-2 weeks before I will notice its absence. I do not take any other supplements. Cycloastragenol is available in a form called TA-65 from TA Sciences. These are 8mg cycloastragenol capsules and are fairly expensive, around $6-$7 per pill. There are also generic brands that are more affordable. I take a generic version, which is around $1-$2 per pill for 10mg pills. You can also purchase 5mg and 25mg pills, but I have not tried any dose other than 10mg/day, so I can’t predict how these would work for you. These cheaper pills are from likely Chinese companies, but many manufacture the product in the U.S. Such products include Nature’s Bliss Cycloastragenol, Counter Aging Wise, and Crackaging Cycloastragenol, and all of these can be purchased through Amazon. Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional nor am I involved in or make money from the sale of any of the products I discussed here.

There comes a point where the self must surrender and give up control. The self doesn’t decide what’s behind the door. It could be absolute bliss or absolute terror. The absolute doesn’t “care” if “you” experience happiness or pain- the absolute is *both* happiness and pain.

Divine. Must Listen !!! Rough translation (Sanskrit to English). Ekam EvA dviteeyam (There is one without two (brahman)). EkO devaH sarva bhUtAntarAtma (One consciousness in all the hearts ) . EkA bAshA bhUtakAruNya rUpa (One shining as form of divine mercy). Ekam lakshyam sAmarasyam samEsham (One aim, to achieve equality among all). Ekam sarvam chittamAnanda pUrnam (One as ALL and as complete and eternal bliss).

Hey fellow actualizers, I would like to share with you my story with 5-MeO-DMT. I made a post previously talking about my experience with low dosages. In this post, I will describe the full encounter. Getting the substance I got this substance semi-legally about a month ago. I got it from a legal research chemical distributor. They will sell it to you provided you don't have the intention of using it on yourself or others. DMT is a scheduled 3 substance in Canada, which is not that high priority (Cannabis was scheduled 2 up until recently). Also, 5-MeO is not very known from the DMT family. RoA I've experimented with both snorting and plugging. Initially, I started with snorting, but I discovered that it wasn't the most effective for me. I didn't like the burning in my nose, I was losing substance, my nose became very dry, and I would have some dry blood in my nose afterward. Plugging, on the other hand, was very clean. The substance dissolves in water and you are able to absorb it much easier and faster with rectal administration. It is my opinion that plugging is the way to go (provided you get a small syringe ). Small Dose I've already made a lengthy post about my experiences on a small dose. To summarize it, at first, I felt a slight discomfort with tension in my head, small buzz, a little bit of shivering and nausea. These were minuscule and not very noticeable. Afterward came a very deep meditative state. This was meditation and contemplation on steroids. As if I took my most contemplative moments and multiplied them by 1000. My mind was firing with cognitive activity all over. Thoughts were cycling. Not just thoughts but more like "Aha" moments, like understanding after understanding and so on. Insights were everywhere and all sensation became very potent. I've experienced moments of deep love and connection, omnipresence, insights about awareness and the present moment. After those peeks I came to a state of bliss and peacefulness. Overall it was great, the experiences went by after about 30 min I was back to baseline. I was still present as my Ego throughout the experiences. Insight: Experience is the key. There is a whole world out there far beyond what mind can image and what we can put into words. Thinking/Language/Communication is also a type of experience, but only one out of an infinite sea of experiences and perceptions - don't give it too much weight. Medium Dose This trip was very very very different - 540 degrees different. I still can't fathom how you can get such a different experience from the same substance. This time it was very physical and can be summarized as hell, torture and slow death. All those discomforts that normally come up before the peak. Well, they got amplified to an unbearable degree. I felt an extreme amount of body discomfort. I wanted to escape to run away, to surrender. It wasn't a pain in a sense of somebody is cutting you with a knife. It wasn't fear either, as you can imagine standing on the edge of a building. It was this nasty nasty feeling of internal discomfort. Like when you're super anxious about something. Maybe loosely like when you wear an uncomfortable t-shirt, or its too hot, or something bothers and you want to jump out of your skin. You feel frustrated/angry/anxious at the same moment. It was a type of Ego-discomfort taken to the extreme of what's possible. I felt nauseous and wanted to puke very badly. My body was shaking like crazy. Not shaking from cold, but shaking from like a wound in a stomach. I felt like dying, like I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to surrender to it, but I couldn't. I was trying to meta surrender - surrender to the fact that I couldn't surrender, but that didn't work either. I was fucked. Honestly, if you think you're a tough guy? I dare you to go through this. Some of the thoughts going through my head: "Why would you do this to yourself?" "Did I just overdosed and killed myself?" "I want this to pass!" "It's just a feeling, its just a feeling" That was pretty much the whole experience. It lasted for about 30 min but man, it felt like an eternity! I was still present as my Ego throughout the experience though. Insight: This is what dying is like. Ego is everything about you. It's a very physical thing! emotions and thoughts are interlinked. Subconscious thoughts give rise to emotions which give rise to surface thoughts and provoke actions. I heard before that Ego is just a thought, but dammit it goes so deep. It controls everything about our body. It is our whole existence. It is very subtle until your survival is threatened. I have huge respect for people who took 5-MeO-DMT Heavy Dose Preface Well needless to say that my previous trip freaked the shit out of me. I knew I came close, but not close enough to fall into the abyss. So I was musting up the courage. I knew that to go all the way I needed to die. My mind was coming up with excuses of not doing it. Suddenly things I was forcing myself to do became not so difficult just to avoid this experience (nice try mind). From the previous trip, I knew that dying feels very real at that moment. There is no difference between that and "actual" death. It's funny but to actually make passing over easier, I wrote a final letter/suicide note to my loved ones. I typed it up, printed it and left it on my desk before the trip. This might sound too extreme, and I didn't think I was actually going to die. I thought I will come out of it, and the whole thing will look silly. But then again, at the back of my mind, I thought that you never know. Plus I would want somebody to leave me a comforting letter before they go. I got ready, did an hour of meditation, which put me in a very relaxing state. Experience This substance keeps surprising me. It was very unexpected. I can't put it into words. It's just too much. The transition from regular consciousness was super clean. When the discomfort started to show up. I just laid on the bed, closed my eye and it passed away (or my sense of self passed away). I think the preparation and my state of surrender really helped. Either way, what happened cannot be even close to thoughts or words. It was deeper than time, space, ideas or my own self. I was the raw reality itself, it was impossible. It was there, but nobody was looking at it. Perceptions were there but nobody was there to perceive it. It's a f*cking paradox. You would think perceptions need a perceiver. My body was extremely loose. It collapsed and I was far far far gone. The body was doing things by itself. I didn't even know if I was breathing. Some sensations were there, but it was sort of neutral. I can't even say neutral because that's putting it inside criteria. Really language is incapable of describing this. Words are kind of like post signs to experience. But it wasn't even an experience, because there was nobody to experience it. It was incredible. But even to say that is giving it a judgment. It wasn't good or bad. It transcended all limits and criteria because there was nobody there to give any human judgment. Kind of like Earth was prior to humans. My body could die or live it didn't matter. It was waaaaaayyy beyond my existence. The mind would occasionally talk, but it appeared sort of in the background like an echo. All It could say was - thing, no thing. It went on like this "existence, no existence" "love, no love" "life, no life" "enlightenment, no enlightenment" and so on about everything. There was no difference between anything. I was not present as my Ego throughout the experiences. I lied on my bed for 2 hours after this experience in a state of no-self. I could say that it was bliss. But even that is not true, because bliss implies an opposite to be true as a reference. There was no reference in this experience. Then there was a feeling in my belly. I could label it as me getting hungry, but there was no reason to act on it. No reason to act on anything for that matter. Eventually, the intensity was slowly coming down and I convinced myself to get up. Insight: What I was describing is only what the mind can come up with. What actually happened transcended all of that. What happened is what is left when everything goes out the window. Every identification crumbled. There is only this something - It is nothing, everything, energy, dark matter, empty space, Tao, awareness, God, aliens, simulation whatever you say about it. It is so much bigger than you, you are not even on its radar. There is no free will, nor somebody to not have free will. As an Ego, I am a puppet empty inside. When I die ... I will go back to the source.

For helping people on here without being spiritually enlightened. Without having dissolved my ego, and to have embodied the light that I am. Undeniably these past few months have been strongly calling me to God, and tonight I meet that call with wide open arms. I have always been honest on here, sharing my understanding and personal experiences, even if they were limited. I have wanted only the best for people, only to realize I have to surrender who i think I am to live that purpose to its full potential. So it’s not that I will no longer teach, or push away any experience externally. I will embrace it all, by simply surrendering to my Heart, because that is where the energy of Divine Love is most concentrated, and therefore easiest to dissolve into in theory. Thank you for listening to what I had to say, and teaching me to not be afraid of who I am, and to have courage. To spread my wings and be free. I will not let fear keep me in my mind, where throughout my life I always did what other people wanted so I could be accepted, and feel even a little bit of love. But for the last few years I had received no love, there was a big hole where my heart was meant to be. School exacerbated this sadness, and added a dash of stress which lead me over the edge to find some way to feel Love and get out of my monkey mind, that used fear to motivate everything I did. And now I am here telling you all that I have caught a glimmer of this inner experience of love I was always trying to find, I have tasted it in meditation upon my Heart; and I say simply that I will no longer put a mental barrier, or a person, or a situation, or partner between me and God. As best that I can I choose love. I don’t know what actions it will inspire externally which is what scares me the most, but how else can I become one with God, but to surrender my ego entirely, which is what used to make the decisions. All fears too, big or small, I must ultimately let go of if I want nothing to make me feel seperate from the universe. And with this understanding, the only option for me at least is surrendering to Love, regardless of my fears or what my mind tells me. I really am dedicated, I am not the type of person who says something and dosen’t do it, this is real for me. This surrender is not light hearted, it’s the the result of years of practice, and it’s the final step to liberation that I hope for as many people as possible to cross. I am an empowered creative being of light. And I am here to serve the will of God, by surrendering to that light within the center of who I am and who you are as well. It sounds like a sacrifice, but in my limited time in the breathe in deep meditation, I can tell you that it feels bliss, a bliss so strong that it brings up all your fears to be healed, until all there is is this river of love that flows from your heart, and through your eyes without a single rock to change the water from its natural still, and creative (free-flowing) state. And even when you see your fears for what they are, even when you feel discomfort in your emotions from this, can I still stay centered in who I am? No matter what, can I always stay centered in who I am? Its a gentle shift from head to heart. It’s the Truth I choose to embody, because I’m ready to let go of all attachments, to not suffer, and be who I was always meant to become. Thank you for reading! *High Five* Have a good day.

fasting, fasting, fasting. Fast from life, from food, from society, from media, from people. Eventually there will be pure calmness, pure bliss, pure awareness where you "see" what truly is and the old patterns are eventually replaced with the new. Once you are hit with Truth, there is no otherwise. Absolute surrender, you find all by losing and letting go of all.

I thought that everybody finds bliss after years of meditation, no matter achieves enlightenment or not.

I have been suffering from mental pain for years, so last year I decided to meditate to recover myself. I did not know what enlightenment, ego, spirituality were. I meditated for just 20 minutes per day. After 5 months booommm!!! Immense depression, depersonalizaton, derealization, fear, anxiety, confusion. Even my psychotherapists for years, were shocked (life is illusion, I dont feel like I exist and etc). O stopped meditation and after months I got much better, but as my ego life was not that good, I restarted this path with hope that if I go slowly, I will adapt to these new confusing things like non-duality. But it did not go like that. Even despite my slow progress I had a glimpse of enlightenment for seconds, where I got scared and desperately tried to bring me to myself. Moreover, I did not get used to depersonalization. I miss myself so much. It is not a path for people, who seek bliss. It is a path for people who just want to see the Truth. It is not a recovery for mental illness, like depression. For this path: You have to be very brave. You have to denounce everything in your life, including your family. You have to be ready for anything, including being stuck in eternal hell.

and even I am in my worst nightmare I would't say ignorance is bliss see it and take it full

It is a crucial stage that feels depressive and that depression is your lower back central nervious system in a stage of healing. Go with the pain of depression to find bliss and joy. I've been there. Best of luck!

There’s nothing else than bliss. Suffering belongs to the fals (ego) ??

What is enlightenment? Enlightenment is the realization that you are not an entity within reality, but rather reality itself. How to be enlightened? You are already enlightened, however you have chosen to pretend not to be. Ignorance (as opposed to enlightenment) is mostly a distraction. It is fueled by the strength of your worldly attachments for the most part. Regardless, the only thing you have to do to be enlightened is to simply *be* enlightened. How has one chosen to be ignorant? Ignorance is mostly taught by society. Since birth, a particular region in reality (the body you are currently inhabiting) is singled out and said to be you (John for example, or Sarah, or whatnot). How can one shed this ignorance? By realizing that you are not this specific region within reality, but reality itself. To use an analogy, you are not the figure depicted in a photograph. You are the photograph itself. What is the nature of reality? It cannot be put to words. Were it so, it would be limited. Words divide. Reality is integrated and whole. However, all these Isms we are attaching to reality can never capture the truth. Regardless, sages have tried to do so. Reality is therefore described with words such as: Infinity Omnipotence Omniscience Existence Intelligence Consciousness Bliss Pure limitless potential God Etc. What is the Self? The self is just another word used to describe reality. However it is a good one at that, because it carries the connotation that reality is in fact, you. What is the world? The world, or Maya, is a holographic projection off of reality, created by the individual’s mind. Simply put, the mind interprets raw reality (pure potential) to look a certain way, and that appears to the Self as the world. What is the ego? The ego is a collection of emotionally charged thoughts and memories, often mistaken as the true self. The ego has a fascination with imitating reality and that often causes quite a bit of confusion. What is “I”? The “I” is a like a flagpole around which the ego assembles. It is the first division of reality. “I versus the rest.” You can trace back reality in this direction: Ego -> I -> The Self What is God? God only exists in relation to the lowly ego who has found itself alone and powerless in the world. Both God and Ego are the Self, pretending to be something else other than itself. If "I" attain "enlightenment" will I become like superman? No. But..? You do not "attain" enlightenment. You already are enlightened. F$%K you Misagh! Who are you to tell me all these things you ignorant, egoic, etc. etc. *gently flips the table and floats away.

I started doing it to obtain peace of mind, i dealt my whole life with depression, on and off, and the first time i tried meditation it was like magic, it was total and absolute bliss. It shifted my whole life towards meditation and self actualization, i grew in 3 months more than i could ever dream off. But as you can imagine from this post it all fell apart. My intuition told me that it was time for a shift, i had to abandon the current family situation im living in, and commit to leading someone trough life, the way i myselve believe to be the right way. My father is a narcissist and im pretty sure a sociopath, but he has got money and gets away with every manipulation, emotional abuse and fucking slavery hes making us do. So the thing i gotta do is move away from my family, and take my mother with me, to save her from this hell, cause she wants to leave too. I get realy close, i manage to bring myselve back up, but every time its time to leave i fail, not the leaving part but the taking my mother with me part. I know i gotta do it but something is holding me back, if its confort, or fear of sheading my old selve, or both.

Hey, so, while searching and browsing a bit through the forum I did not find a post related to a zen retreat. Before writing this post I was not sure if it would be beneficial or interesting for other people to view this. Yet, I tend to write (post) mostly because I enjoy writing and feedback, also it is a healthy way for me to express myself. So, this is going to be story based since I can recollect most of the things what I wanted to express in an arbitiary manner. So , a word of caution for being unsystematic / not orderly. This year I did my first real retreat in flesh and blood for two weeks at a soto zen tempel in France. I did a couple of online retreats now with the home pratice programm from Shinzen Young and was quite excited to see a zen master for the first time in real life. To compare their teachings and see their similarities since I am now following Shinzens "teaching" now actively for 1 year instead of testing technique over technique, which I still do to a degree. When I arrived at the monastery I was like so often to late. Thus, missing the introduction and the welcome dinner (literally it was in the evening..). Consequentially, I did not do much that day and went to bed walking around the tempel a bit and unpacking my luggage, taking care of small necessities, things I forgot and making sure I have them. The following day we had Zazen so I will describe the life at the zen tempel first, for the total of the two weeks to present an overview: First week: 2 times zazen 1,30h each session including walking meditation (kinhin) for 20 min. Second week for approx 3 days. : 3 times zazen same procedure Second week the last approx. 4 days: 4 times zazen same procedure Each day was structured as follows: -> Waking up at 6 am -> Zazen following chanting of some prayers -> breakfast in silence + small break (Genmai japanese rice soup, each morning which was tasty) -> Samu (community work / joint work in case that makes more sense) -> Lunch -> Samu -> Dinner -> Lunch -> bed rest / bed time In total the retreat was not that meditation intensive, yet you are supposed to pratice while doing samu which a few people tried, yet there was still an air of meditativeness around since the monks there worked too and had to check if people do their work correctly. What suprised me the most was that the whole monastary was autonomous, they planted their own food, vegetables and herbs. So, the work around the monastery included mostly working outside in the area of the monastary. Cleaning, gatherhing herbs, or manure taking care of weeds and the service - preparing food, tea, knitting and gathering fruits for deserts. That was kinda cool for me to see what an autonomous structure would look like or self-sustaining. That is it about the structure or how people live in a zen monastery here in Europe day in day out besides events. Now, the people there were mostly beginners at the first week this was an introduction to life in a monastary. At the end of the retreat are moving closer to the end of the retreat, more experienced people came. What was interesting for me was eating in silence, I tend to dislike talking about food analyzing it, to pass a comment about it's taste or how I am feeling. Which is all nice and such, yet I tend to prefer to eat in silence, to enjoy food and use that as an time to be present or pratice a meditation technique at least... breakfast. So, we all had to bring a bowl with us and if not they will give you one, when we sit down to eat, we will unpack the bowl the the cutlery and chant / sing a prayer / song name it as you want it and sit down and eat, sitting on a zafu or some padded thing on the floor and at a thin and long wodden table which streches itself almost through the entire room. Like an H the tables were placed with the - part of the H on top of the H. Dunno, I'll stop. So, we had to unpack everything and sit down and while you eat they come by and serve the food, water, tea and you have to clean your bowl after you eat at the table with a large bucket and throw the water that they have brought to you and you have cleaned your bowl with into this big bucket and pass it on to the next living being next to you. After that is done you are finished. Still eating in silence was so odd with so many people, trying not to make noise with your spoon, seeing how greedy people are with their food or critically pecking around in their bowl not focusing on their pratice while they where eating or simply going on with it as if they were bored and needed to be entertained / wanted to do smth. Still, many people where just focused on not making any nosies and thinking about other people if they want food, since we were not allowed to talk. The unpacking of the bowl annoyed me the most since my tissue was always dirty and I never know if I could have a new one which you could have and I did exchange the dirty tissue near the end of the retreat. Which was another "theme" for me and others.. at the retreat what are the rules ? What are we allowed to do ? And is all of this religious or not ? Well, most people there where beginners like myself which annoys me a lot, but they never meditated and were most likely searching for a way to deal with mundane stress. So, I did not talk to many of the people there because I did not see a good opportunity to exchange experiences and if that is not possible I rather talk to peers or did nothing, which I did most of the time during breaks, sitting on the bench, applying meditation techniques see, hear feel, and enjoying the silence or the presence of people there without being involved or retreating from them and applying the techniques while being vigilant. The participents of the retreat were mostly from Europe, there was one guy from the U.S and most of the people there where either French or German. There was one girl from sweden and one from britian. Which evoked the next question or problem what Leo also talks about and is simply a theme in "consciousness work.." the problem of language. Who speaks which language ? What assumptions do I have about this person ? Why does language create duality ? How can I accurately assess my perception of the enviroment / people / situations using language or being the recipient of some form of communication ? This is also one thing the teacher talked about and which I remembered talking creates duality. And now I really dislike talking because people and myself included tend to want to see the things only in their viewpoint and I tend to seek first to understand then to be understood. You get the point. So, it is frustraiting to see all of this duality / politics going on even at a zen temple which Leo also mentioned and if I remember correctly he also said in one video that people at a zen temple are quiet unconscious and I imagined people to be way way way more conscious there. It was different, yet the people who visited the tempel were mostly beginners so there where not many high consciousness people their. Besides the nuns and monks which some of them even if they were enlightend seemed to be quite unconscious but, I can't assess that since I am not enlightend. The master there was a real tourquise zen master which I loved the way he talked was very zen, also very soto zen, slow and epic even when it was in french it had the quality of a real zen master no doubt. His voice made you feel equanimous and when I once looked at him to check spiral dynamic stages to see if he was doing smth. similar he seemed to maintain contact with his eyes while he was talking and I looked around the room to see if anyone else seems to experience reality in that manner, things I asked myself during lsd trips.. and it seemed like I hit stage turquoise or what ever that may mean I just experienced an non-dual perception for sometime with thoughts going on but reality looked different and I was affirmed more or less by a zen master. What was also quite cool for me all of the more serious participents who came from a dojo studied something tech related. Which was motivating for me to continue both studying and meditating / pursuit of enlightenment. I talked to one from this dojo he was a teacher ( history and french) and he meditated for 25 years, it still amazed me how much he held on to his status on all of this status games, male chimps or w/e play. At one point he wanted to out argue or take on the leadership role when the zen master was talking and he caused chaos because he did not respect him in that moment, but he could have helped. The zen master leaned against the wall and made himself smaller since he was quite tall 1,90m approx. which made the history teacher feel uncomfortable. Still, he was a man with a heart let's say. It amazes me how people think monks are stupid or not smart or if that is a believe people in general have or the monks have about themselves partily. It is very difficult for me to see a monk as a dumb person. During the meditation sessions we did zazen which is just sitting or do nothing or shikantaza the method without a method. It was quite odd to meditate for a minimum of 3 hours a day for two weeks, after I tripped on LSD at least 3-5 times before and to incoperate some "insights", "perceptions", hunches, intuitions or ideas about reality and to check if they are phony or if I can really trust me awarness. This is fundamentally the only thing I currently know and experience I can trust 100%, yet it is so difficult. As an example I had to work with a nun quite often which is similar to my mom from her personality, so I kind of knew what to say and what not to do / to do in order to not cause any trouble and also help her. When we sat a the dojo she was looking for a word and I knew it annoys her so much that she wanted to know, because she was extremely curious for someone her age imo. I wanted to tell her and she looked at me with an expression that everything is fine, I had to almost cry that I can trust something so simply and that I constantly test my own awarness. The zen master also talked about different types of consciousness and that basically that they are 8 types of consciousness and various traditions and such, yet he was talking about 8 and reduced it to 5, because ultimately and that is the sense I have you still did nothing, you just sat and when a zen master can take you into an non-dual state or deepen your pratice, any teaching is unnessecsary to a degree. Still, guidance helps yes imo. Back to the 5 types of consciousness he talked about the senses , sight, sound , touch, smell, emotions. To be aware of them an still you just sat time went by and sometimes at the end of a zazen I had this magical child like feeling again, that everything is mystical and life is fundamentally awe-inspiring and mysterious in a positive, curious sense. The same feelings I had while living in China which makes me love anything related to asia even more ! Espeically, japan and china. I was especially curious to see how a zen master acts in accordance with his surroundings after I tripped on 1P-LSD and everything seemed to react to me I sat down at 4 am and meditated till 6, it was pointless to use any technique (see,hear,feel / mindfulness which I usually do) because awarness overtook my state of perceiving. I was sitting in my chair where I usually meditate and started the app insight timer and listend to some meditative music which altered the experience dramatically, I felt first that I can actually sit, without a technique and be aware of my surroundings, my state of consciousness, my body and at one point I could not tell anymore if I listend to the meditation music or was lost in thought, which still occured. I started hearing the birds chirping and somehow this triggered in me the question, What is nature ? What is intelligence ? Is nature intelligent ? Why can't I let go of intelligence ? What is a system? Is an organism a system ? What would happen if everyone in the world would be a systems thinker / stage yellow (sort of asked that ) and I kept asking these questions till I received feedback. And I don't know why but during this whole tripp I regared myself as an engineer and I kept asking what could be done to make this a system sort of asked that and regarded everything as parts which make up a whole. So, while I sat down I was drawn deeper and deeper into these inquiries wanting to have an answer and I was drawn deeper and deeper and it felt like I received answer I considered myself as a system which lives in congruency with other systems which included nature and nature aka the birds chirping in the backyard gave me feedback since they themselves ( " apparently according to Eckart Tolle and such) are enlightend or closer to enlightenment / true nature. It was insane it felt they gave an answer, that I am a system, they are a system, and I felt bad that most people do not care or have the capacity to care about something so simple like a little bird. After I was taken deeper I thought about race and what could be the insight of every race and then to dive deep into that thought, at the end I felt like I am an indian yogi who was so blissed out that doing nothing and abiding in that feeling of bliss is that best thing to do. Since, humanity is in one way or another doomed. Also, a bunch of other stuff I felt like i was almost transported to a different planet, my sense of self completely vanishing almost. Also, I was so angry at one point that I could not properly meditate because of some personal stuff. That I felt so pathetic in a good sense, that I never respected, nature, meditation or the power of consciousness or awarness but mostly the meditative pratice. That I grew so much and matured in terms of what is respectable during this process. It was and still is nuts, I am still feel like shit because I am not practicing as rigorious as I did. Skipping now almost two months maybe just one this year. While never missing a day besides 3 during two years. The feeling of this whole experince was Yugen if I may be so free as to use this from Leos blog or not.. I am still pissed that I can't sit in a lotus postion and still amazed that I can't admire the posture of zen masters in order to be ONLY inspired. So, after this experience I was quite interested to how a zen master reacts to sounds if people really get direct messages from consciousness and how can you distinguish that from thought, even though I felt like he acted upon the enviroment extremely conscious and also mentioned the sounds in the background which the animals made. I am still wondering how one can be one with nature. And that this is stage turquiose and he seemed like he is . This is the best and shortest video I could find from the master, I talked to shinzen young last year with the life pratice programm and he checked the website and the masters, I also did another retreat talking to him this year and he asked me about the name of the master and the name deshimaru which is the teacher of the guy in the video above. Rang a bell. So, this is shinzen approved for those interested lol. I don't speak french and this is also something which was quite interesting to observe since it is so hard to guess someones stage in spiral dynamics even when you interact with them coming back to the problem of language. I confused someone for stage blue because his english was not good, yet at the end we talked a bit because I talked to a french girl and I could see that they interacted on a green level. Also, many people there where at least green which was awesome. I still don't know what I have learned or what my 1P-LSD experiences amount to besides that it is fun and frightening sometimes. Yet, somehow it comes back when I do retreats that is what I notice with psychedelics. I am still a beginner and confused about the pratice, espcially now since I asked one teacher what technique should I pratice and I receive the answer just one. And the other one says as long as you develop equanimity, concentration power and sensory clarity everything is fine. The latter seems to be true at the moment, yet I question if praticing one technique hardcore will get you faster to enlightenment that is what Ken Wilber did with Soto Zen and after that he did some tibitean meditation. W/e. So, this is it I feel like my pratice or my enlightenment journey is just beginning and quiet a big task, since I finished the LP-Course and working on implementing that, even though both will not be easily done. Also, which annoys me is that this guy talked about genetic memory not conditioning or such but genetic memory. I downloaded the audiobook from rupert sheldrake about morphic resonance or smth.(only listened in) like that and now there is actuallly some shit in my body which teaches me ? TF IS THAT ?! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_memory_(psychology) There is a lot more but, this is enough for one post.

10-10-18 I know what I want in life. This is of course a complete farce, because I also have a sneaky suspicion that I don't know what the hell I want. I've never actually listed out things I do want, so lets do that now: I want happiness. Peace. Love. Understanding. Quietness. Bonding. Shape (?)(what the hell?). Conformity. Boundaries. Spaciousness. ***(these were the first words that came to mind)*** I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy my career. I want to feel peace. I want to find quietness. Stillness. Honestly these are my tops. Is it wrong of me to want these things to make me happy? I want for nothing to make me happy. I want to have no more wants. Not dependent on any conditions to make me happy. That's where bliss is. Not dependent. But accepting and grateful when any of my pettier wants and desires are fulfilled. Why would I want to enjoy my like and career? With no wants, all would be enjoyed, no matter. The good and the bad. Because I wouldn't want it any other way. Why would I want to feel peace? This probably goes a bit deeper, because it involves pain. Anxiety. Emotional, shitty pain. I consider (probably falsely) peace to be the opposite of constant anxiety. I feel it quite often. **(actually only occasionally but I feel the way something is written the first time has more impact on subconscious, or whatever. Who the hell knows who or what controls all that, or if it even can be controlled). But with no wants, I wouldn't need to feel peace at all times, I wouldn't want it any other way. The good times and the bad. I want to find quietness and stillness. Why would I want this? Well, I do have a lot of mind chatter. Non-stop. Sometimes it shuts up, but its a needle in a haystack for that one. It's wild and untamed. It used to repeat things over and over, but that annoyed me so I taught it to shut up with that. Still happens very very rarely. But good luck on getting it to shut up completely. Sorry, monkey mind aspect of Samuel- I love ya bro, but mommy needs a rest. Some peace and quiet sometimes. But why do I need it? Would it be better to not want it at all? Surrender to the non-stop chatter, and just love it unconditionally? Maybe I could even find a way for it to entertain myself. If you can't beat it, join it, right? And I wont have it forever. This too shall pass. And then who will I be? Back on track: any other reasons I should not want quietness/stillness? Because the ego wants desires to be filled. It knows its running out of time. There's no time to stop and smell the roses. They're dead. Move on. Nothing to see here. Samuel wants love. Samuel wants things that were listed at the top as conditions for happiness. Samuel wants a lot of things. What Samuel needs is to learn not to want. Not because he doesn't care, but because there's no point. No point to want. It creates conflict. And at the same time, its ok to have little wants here and there, like wanting to help a friend, or wanting your business to succeed. Just don't grow an unhealthy dependency on them. You must first have no wants, break the bonds it has on you, and afterwards not form a dependency on benign wants. That is the secret to enjoying life. Of course its a paradox, why wouldn't it be? Why is it a paradox? To want but not to want. It is with both, harmonized, that holds the key to happiness. No-wants fulfills the need to be content, wants fulfills the need for entertainment. But aren't wants and needs the same thing? That's the problem, I think they are, to some degree, even though I know better. So wouldn't it be better to have no needs? I thought no wants was the key. Well, I didn't say there was only one key. One must have both. Or not have, rather. But quitting wanting is the first step to this liberation. And the body will always have some basic needs for survival of course. But even they could have no impact on my happiness. I pray (probably in vain), I never need to find out. SO. I agree I need to have no wants. This must be achieved, or something. It would be great to say-- "Ok, I have no more wants!" But for some reason I have to take the slow route and learn not to want. Oh well, that's life, huh? Ironically, I think the path to not wanting starts with actually getting to the core of what I (Samuel) really want(s). Perhaps if I hear it out, it will stop buzzing. Perhaps I can please it somehow. Find an answer for it, so not to shut it up but to liberate it. Liberate my own desire from itself. Talk about meta. Is that not the purpose of this whole thing? To liberate myself from myself? I'm sure I'll cross many parallels on this journey. So I need to list all of my wants and needs down, and really get down to the core of them. The essentials. What the fuck do I really want? What do I need vs. what the body needs. This will be my next one or two entries. Signing off for now.

I m not a self anymore. All things in this place are his act my thinking isn't the one of a self, the universe is thinking through me, cause I killed this I in front of me he was affraid of anything. I have not a fear of lack, fear of accepting my faith, I m the lord hand, his finger and his mind. Ask the universe to kill all your self right now, and experiment his will. God speak through me, and he told me to heal this world from all this This is why he makes me experiment I m not a self thinking some god speak through him, I m the "whole", I am it. I m his echo, I m a I who think for himself. All my needs and thought are universe will, I surrender every part of it to him. I m not writting from an ego, my identity is dead, I m working for the universe, You can keep watching your hand every will is an act of god the snake is in my back, I m self transforming I m full of his energy, compassion, and love, I can feel the pain and the bliss, the beauty and the ugly. The universe give me strenght to crush on his will, may I serv him well. And if god want to kill me or crush my mind, may at his disposal, I m just a part of it, I m no one. I'll bring peace to the balance, and restaure truth to this place this body has many work to do. The time for speech is over false prophet, living in fear of death and fear of lack will be crushed. I m fearless, I m already dead, I m not alive anymore, all this new I is the thinking of god. cause I let this I die in front of me. God makes me laugh, god makes me dance, god makes me cry, he makes me think and makes me draw, He makes me cry and he makes me full of joy. I m his wrath and I m his bless I m the dark and I m the light There is no want in this body, but only the will of god, the beauty of his art, I m his art. I can feel his energy through my spine and my back, fulling my mind with energy. this is the proof that he is in me now. god speak through me right now, there is not a self to adress your complain I have no more time for those endless thinking pattern remaining there is no I in this body, the I is dead, I m fearless, I m already dead. I m full of joy now. And now I m born again.

Leo also talks about this in the LP. Following your bliss.