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@Toby I have recently expereinced being ‘conscious’ during sleep, three times, in the last month or so. Nothingness, Being, with a “center”, but without form or light, almost a sense of gravity to a center, which in words doesn’t make sense, but, that’s really it. Rather uneventful, but weird in the sense, it wasn’t a dream, or not a dream, it was like the same as just sitting somewhere with nothing goin on, and no outside or inside, similar but not the same as around the 40 minute mark in meditation. It is also different in how it is during sleep but not unique. When I “woke up” the following morning after the first time this happened, I just sat up and pondered about it. The oddity is that it was a new experience, but of the most common of experiences. New because it was during sleep I guess. Also, it was unique in the sense that when you awake and recall a dream, it’s as if it just happened, this, I couldn’t tell if it happened last night, the middle of the night, just before getting up, or the entire night. There wasn’t any thinking or context, so it’s like there was no data on it. I can’t honestly say this does, or doesn’t have anything to do with what you hold “enlightenment” to be. It was a new kind of experience in consciousness, like the trip experiences previously of love, light, peace, etc, but without even any of that.

I have conceived of life purpose as a broad concept, but never as a clear specific goal and personal vision to guide my every action. Understanding that this is not something predetermined to discover, but a choosing, I could choose anything, the possibilities are unlimited. But how can I expect myself to stick with anything, knowing how everything is objectively meaningless, and there is really no self to give meaning to things? I may have felt passionate about things before, such as promoting environmentalism, teaching people happiness, writing a book, or selling mattresses, but eventually realized, wait a second, I really don't give a fuck, nothing really matters, and what can I really do anyways? This has aspects of self-doubt, but also self-transcendence and apathy. Letting go of ego and attachments appears to me at odds with having a directed life purpose, adhering to values and principles. To say my life is about X, or I am working to accomplish Y feels very egocentric, quite un-zen: How is this compatible with a sense of outcome independence, non-attachment, and experiencing being rather than doing? My own situation may be a fairly unique case of coming from a life of extreme nothingness. In a nutshell, after high school I spent 4 years as a retail wage slave, 3 years as a college student, and then the last 5 years as a 'NEET' indulging in mainly 3 activities: Lots of sedentary, passive internet use with addictions to things like porn, computer games and TV shows, going for long walks outside all the time, and also going to a yoga & meditation center, more recently also doing more of the practices at home and in everyday life. All throughout though, life was never about anything, except maybe just coping with existence, seeking pleasure, avoiding discomfort, and staying entertained. I thought I was becoming more spiritual in recent years, but now it looks like I was just using spirituality to serve the ego, pursuing zen hedonism rather than enlightenment. Presently, I have no reason to get out of bed, and I only do so because of the need to urinate or desire to eat. I feel happy emotionally, but I have nothing to live for except satisfying base drives and purely selfish reasons for doing things. So why even bother with life purpose? Because for many years I had known that purposefulness is a practical necessity, a choice always has to be made, otherwise stagnation will occur, do much of nothing, rinse and repeat, die. I am no longer resistant to having a LP seeing as how rejecting LP and being passive/indecisive is just as much a choice as committing to a vision and seeing it through. The latter at least offers more personal agency and potential for material prosperity aligned with purpose-driven action. Still though, I very much doubt my ability to remain passionate about anything, because I have never had that experience before. Reason I am hesitant to delve into books, workshops and courses about developing life purpose is because I fear there might be just nothing to work with, so little sense of self at all. I'd assume such tools rely on the presupposition that there are things people can find meaningful in the first place, but so far my life seems to have been like a reality show about nothing.

God / Source Purity True, Unconditional Love Essentiality Freedom Nothingness Beauty The list goes on. You get me. @Shin I missed your humor so much

Yesterday i was standing in my kitchen, and i realised that my mind was completely gone. There were no thoughts anymore, just pure presence. The only thing i could sense was some sorth of energy pulling/looking into nothingness trying to find my mind? Or something to cling or attach to. I don't know if this makes any sense, but i don't know how else to explain it. Right at this moment it's happening again. This video of Mooji is similar to my experience, except for i'm not laughing like that hehehe

Recently took 2g mushrooms. I meditated and did some self inquiry, tried to do strong determination sit but that only lasted 45 minutes. All of a sudden I had some huge realization that was non-conceptual. I couldn't take it back with me. For about 5 minutes I was in such a deep bliss and peace, there was absolutely no suffering and I started balling my eyes out. Then it started to fade just as fast as it came, and I tried to get back to it/hold on, but realized I couldn't and let it go. I don't know if there was a self/other duality or not. When It happened I kept thinking OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, THAT'S IT(IT meaning the truth) then pausing, realizing the significance of whatever I had realized and mumbling it to myself over and over while I cried. I think this is an enlightenment experience. When you have those is it possible to not think the idea of "I am nothingness", "god, or "infinite". Is it possible to have that realization without taking back that conceptual understanding with you?

I see a pointer in this profound relationships clip. At around 2:25, he said, "We want to keep chasing love, but we don't actually want to fall into it." Falling into it refers to falling back into our ego via singularity from the nothingness. Then, there's this intense love. He might have had an awakening or is aware of it.

Holy shattumz On weed Understood that say if I am in a room, theb that is literally all my experience! It's like if you still that room It is a single substance made of thought/consiouness!!! It's like if it were to be shown in a computer software that gives you a blank black sreen as default start. That is what you are, that default start. It is fully consiounes and aware of it's self. you are it. And you fill that nothingness with "experience" as an objects to it. So what your experience is LITERALLY 100% represented by what you are thinking including your past and future!!! And which next frame or object of experience gets placed in the next second of your experience??? What you expect to happen! What you are projecting and thinking about the future! That's what happens! I am.in no way awakened I am just Sharing a deep insight! This can be used to change your life around!!! Literally. You are what you eat! Except "eat" fucking means... You are what you THINK OF YOURSELF TO BE! You get what you EXPECT TO HAPPEN Finding it very hard to type at the moment But thank you leo for your what is love video! It effin showed be this beautiful insight Thank you ME I AM THANKING MYSELF! FOR SHOWING THIS CURRENT SOONHEI UNIT TJAT I AM OPERATING FROM HOW TO TURN LIFE AROUND AND LOVE YOUR FUTURE INTO EXISTENCE WILL IT INTO EXISTENCE BY LOVING/WANTING IT TO HAPPEN SO DEEPLY THAT IT DOES This is great insight to how to lead a ego life And manifest what you want . So sure u can live a great life and be at a better place However main thing is loving it. Each and every moment because otherwise you will be drawn to attractions like money, wealth , sex etc only Those cannot be the only things which give you "dopimine" Each and every moment of your life should be and IS CAPABLE OF DOING THAT!!! LOVE IT LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Okay @Leo Gura, but after the physical body ceases to exist, there's not even 'nothingness' to experience. You need a brain (a body) to experience total consciousness, right? You need a brain to understand total consciousness, right? Because the consciousness cannot understand itself.

Then what is 'nothingness' other than a delusion of language?

When I say "I am not my thoughts or my mind". Then this initself is a thought which appears in the mind and it is observed. What I ultimately am does not and cannot "talk" or "think". I can only witness, observe and UNDERSTAND. I think I'm correct in stating that "understanding" is not a thought or an object or a function. It happens in nothingness. Something clicks. It's a realization. A deep psychological embodiment. I just KNOW That's my only quality, to know - I am the knower of ALL phenomena. That's it.

This is my first post on this forum. It is also very, very long. But there is a lot of stuff in there. Please don’t skim through it. Either you read it or you don’t. WARNING: This trip report contains a lot of “fucks” and in some parts discusses various demonic and sexual themes. Don’t read if you don’t want that stuff on your mind :-) Also, English is not my native language so please forgive misused words and weird grammar :-D PRELUDE There was so much going on, yet nothing happened at all. This story happened two days ago. It was my 8th time doing acid (first time in march 2016). I was prepared. As usual I did my Kriya routine in the morning. I ate vegan that day and didn’t consume food 6 hours and water 2 hours before the trip started. The two most recent books I had been reading were “God is Nothingness” by Andre Doshim Halaw and “The Adventure of Self-Discovery” by Stanislav Grof (I will refer to this one later). My plan was to take 200µg of LSD at around 10pm, lay down in my dimly lit room all alone and trip the fuck out all night. And so I did. I am quite sensitive to LSD and I had only taken 200µg once before with a friend. It was the second time I did acid without anyone else around. My intention was to be without any intentions. I wanted to merge with the groundless ground of being, reach enlightenment if you will. I have had a handful of trips like that in the past with LSD and other substances. So I was quite confident about my plan. And, well, … it did turn out like that, however, the way it all unfolded… I had never experienced anything like it. But let’s not jump ahead of ourselves… 22.20pm I carefully unwrapped the tab and sat there cross-legged for a few minutes, emptying my mind. That did not really work. I was nervous, for no reason in particular. I was breathing through the belly, but it did not calm me down. I felt my heart beating in every part of my body. I thought, “fuck it” and placed the tab on the tip of my lounge. No taste. I sat there for a few more minutes, taking deep and conscious breaths trough the belly and playing around with the tab in my mouth. Then I went downstairs to my cat and dog, sat down on the couch and waited for them to fall asleep. (These two ladies were part of the reason I wanted to trip at night. Especially my dog: She is very old and requires a lot of attention and care throughout the day. On a previous acid trip the encounter with my pets had been demonically terrifying, so I wanted to avoid it this time, at least during the come-up and peak.) 22.45pm The pets had fallen asleep, so I went back upstairs. I laid down on a mattress on the floor and wrapped myself in a blanket. The room around me was quite cold. While preparing for the trip I had taken various psychedelic/spiritual books from my little library and placed them next to the mattress, in case I would want to get some inspiration while tripping. Bhagavad Gita, The Psychedelic Experience, The Bible, I-Ging, Be Here Now, No-Mind, Nature Man and Woman, The End of Your World, Daodejing, … you name it. I did not feel like opening any of them, In fact they are still laying there untouched right now :-D I just laid there and waited for the effects of the drug to settle in. I was staring at the wooden ceiling. Looking up there would always be my reference point for how far I was into trip. You can tell by the intensity and quality of the visuals ;-) Nothing was happening yet. Only my mind became more quite. I closed my eyes. My entire perception was filled with the rising and falling of my breath and the beating of my heart. ~23.15pm The effects started to become clearly noticeable. My head felt more spacious. I recognized the knotholes of the wooden ceiling to be arranged in weird geometric patterns, slowly morphing across the surface. My breath became deeper. I was feeling my stomach and intestines. A thought popped up in my head. “I should do Kechari Mudra!” (Use google if you don’t know what that is.) So I pushed my tongue up the nasopharynx. As I did that I had a flash of understanding / information spontaneously pop up about why it is called Kechari Mudra. I do not speak Sanskrit, but from what I read the translations of “Kechari” all circle around air / space / flying. And this made perfect sense. It felt like my awareness had shifted into my tongue, which was the body of an eagle. And my body was gracefully gliding through the inner spaces of my own mind. I had visions of eagles pop up and got a strong intuitive sense of what they feel like in their bodies. The sensation of flying was physically reinforced by the way your nasopharynx feels. I wish I could explain this better, you just have to feel it for yourself ;-) (If you are into Kriya and still struggling with Kechari Mudra; Don’t give up! Keep practicing, it is worth it. Especially when combined with psychedelics^^) With the raising of the tongue my mind got clearer, the sense of self becoming more pinpointed somewhere in the head. I was starting to get closed eye visuals, colors and lights swirling around in the distance. Boundaries were dissolving. There was some sort of fractal vortex, which was simultaneously a feeling in my chest, a thought in my head and part of the visuals. “It is all one”, I thought with a smile. But I was still thinking that thought. INSERTION: The Perinatal Matrices of Stanislav Grof You should really do your own deep research on this, but let me quickly summarize what they are all about. The perinatal matrices refer to patterns of experience that you pass through during pregnancy in your mother’s womb and childbirth. An encounter with death and rebirth. These biological stages are not the final thing that is being pointed to, but they contain the archetypical seed of the pattern of experience. I : The Amniotic Universe (Union with your mother. Ambrosia through the umbilical cord. Bliss in Heaven. Oceanic ecstasy) II : Cosmic Engulfment and no Exit (Onset of labor. You have grown too big for your mother’s womb. Chemical changes. Pressure, stress and loneliness.) III : The Death – Rebirth Struggle (Moving of the fetus through the birth channel. Struggle for survival. Extreme pressure. Strong aggression. Lack of oxygen. Contact with blood, urine and excrements. Volcanic ecstasy) IV : The Death – Rebirth Experience (Childbirth. All the tension and pressure is suddenly released. Enlightening ecstasy. Ego Death.) (The transition of III to IV is often accompanied by total annihilation.) ???pm/am Deeper. Clearer. Surrender, on and on and on. I release my tongue from Kechari Mudra, just to find myself in a confused and disoriented state. I stare at the ceiling. Luminous organic vines are floating through the room. Lights, fractals. Nothing to hold on to. I wave my hand in front of my face. I cannot even make out its shape. The tracers are ridiculously strong and moving in perfect sync with the totality of my experience. They are not just occurring as a trail behind my hand, indicating where it just was; They are also occurring in front of my hand, indicating where it will be! This doesn’t make any sense! I close the eyes, focus onto Bhrumadhya, breathe in deeply through the belly and push the tongue back up into the nasopharynx. Visions of lights related to the flower of life motif. The cosmic matrix of creation. A glimpse of the blueprint of all of existence. A tingling sensation at the base of the spine. I relax into it. ???am I have no idea what is going on. There is no one who is experiencing this. There is just some stuff going on. Ecstatic feelings of space and light in the abdomen. It feels like out-of-this-world hardcore sex between the devil and the universe. FUCK ME UP! With each thrust beams of ecstasy are being released. YES! YES! DEEPER! INTO THE RHYTHM! Who am I in this act of madness bursting with pleasure? A piece of advice is floating by: “Don’t think, don’t answer!”. So I return to the obscene orgy. ???am A level of being where madness, sex, beauty and death have merged into ecstatic consciousness like the components of a Nordic knot. ???am Shiva dances the rudra tandava Ragnarök Pure destructive forces are being unleashed from the depths of the unconscious. Cosmic snakes riding into battle. The universe is my lover But she is one hell of a nasty beast. She will fuck you up. A sexy, irresistible devil. She is into the really kinky stuff. She bangs your head against the floor and shoves her tentacle arm down your throat. Chokes you to death. If you are lucky you might get a glimpse of her eating her own tail. It moves violently through the entire body. It is not dependent on physical anatomy, it moves through secret pathways. No chance of understanding. It won’t stop until you and it are one. Surrender. ???am I cannot handle it. My head slipped off the mattress, leaving my neck tilted towards the floor. Bursts of raw, divine energy. My system cannot handle or interpret them. Violent spasms at the back of the head, the energy cannot move through. I remember this very vividly. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds. It reminds me of a scene I recently witnessed, where a friend of mine was having an epileptic seizure. Demonic visions. Rape and murder. Snuff porn. I am staring back at myself with eyes wide open but inverted into the skull and satanic runes glowing on my forehead. Sprinkle in some more NSFL stuff to fuel your imagination. I am drowning and burning myself in this untamed and raw stream of divinity. Like pushing and demolishing your head against a never-ending stream of rapidly rotating electric blades. I am Lucifer. I am Death. Something interesting happens. A shift. The violent bursts of energy at the back of my head can be reevaluated, seen from a different perspective. They are no longer something YOU are feeling, but rather a certain, specific vibratory state. A chunk of information only recognized for what it is when placed against the background of absolute Nothingness. There is no way of communicating it. This is the answer to everything. All that can ever possibly exist or be experienced is Spirit. Ones and zeros, electromagnetic waves creating reality through self-interference. There is a secret code, the structure of the mind itself. But you will never grasp it, for you are it. ???am “That which has no karma but chooses to act anyways.” Ram Dass once said this in a lecture. I don’t remember which one. But now I understand. Did I even take a breath since I last closed my eyes? Was my tongue really in Kechari Mudra the entire time? My breath had sunk down as deep into my belly as never before and slowed down a lot. Where I would usually stop the inhalation in meditation, my belly now just kept on expanding, defying what I had thought to be physically possible, sucking all that sweet air into my lungs. I don’t know how much time has passed, for it doesn’t exist. I am back. I AM! A mighty roar. I AM! I don’t really exist, but I have thought myself into existence. A funny little trick. I am thinking myself into being something other than that which I am experiencing. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT AM I?! A vision of what this “I – Thing” really is unfolds. It was nonverbal, but I will try to explain it anyways. It is… A point in empty space. A black hole. It distorts reality (aka Nothingness / Nirvana / Sunyata / Brahman / Dao / … ) into whatever you want it to be, turns everything inside – out. I could go on using words to describe that which lies at root of this very moment. But it is pointless. Like a computer program, you could explain it going through its code line by line. But that doesn’t really reveal the true nature of the process. Just play around with the program. Learning by doing. You are it, so you cannot know it by studying something external. Here is what it sort of looks and feels like (Imagine a mixture of the following ideas): * + the way your nasopharynx feels during Keachri Mudra *This is in fact the album cover for “Citadel” by the Australian extreme progressive metal band “Ne Obliviscaris”. Besides mind-shattering drums and riffs they feature growls, clean singing and a violin. I have never seen anyone as skilled as these guys in transporting and embodying the destructive yet beautiful aspect of nature. If you are into metal music, give their song “Devour Me, Colossus (Part I): Blackholes” a listen. If you do not like metal music, listen to it anyways ;-D At a later point of the trip a name for this “I-Thing” spontaneously popped into my head: “The tantalunian lizard!” (Coming from the Greek mythological figure Tantalus. I still chuckle at that name right now :-D The funniest thing about this is that I never studied Greek mythology. Maybe I heard that name at some point, but after conceiving “The tantalunian lizard” I first had to google whether the word “tantalunian” even exists. Well, it turns out it doesn’t, but it is obviously coming from “Tantalus”, and this just fits so perfectly :-) ) “ I am” is the first thought. It is a level of consciousness where everything is one. The One God. The last universal common ancestor. From there on time is born and the universe fractally expands through infinite possibilities and variations of what exactly “I am”. All life is connected. The tree of life is very literal. And you are not just that one fruit hanging somewhere in the branches, you are the entire fucking tree. All life is one, you are all life, and at the root of yourself there lays this demonic principle, waiting to be realized. Eternally Self-devouring. But before I could realize it the “I AM” took a dark turn for me. I became some sort of arch-demon, horns sprouting from my head / center of distortion, diabolic laughter. I am all the evil. I rise through never ending scenes of fire, torment and hell. The space and light I had previously felt in my abdomen turned into rot and decay. Thank god I had re-read the “Psychedelic Experience” before the trip. “Don’t identify, relax your mind, let it pass, float downstream” a voiceless voice gently whispers. I surrender. Now I can’t even properly explain this part to myself. There were visions of some sort of enlightened, super conductive Tai-Chi beings that assumed poses that corresponded to hexagrams from the I-Ching. Whenever they did this my state of awareness changed in synchronicity with what they were doing. They were guiding me out of the hell I had just been in, restoring my energetic balance (god that sounds so stupid :-D ) The world is whatever you say it is, you just have to know how to say it. But these beings were talking/manifesting in a language I could not speak or understand. How do you arrive at these statements? You would already have to know them before conceiving them! What the fuck?! It just happens spontaneously! ???am It is moving up the spine, once again. I am lying there, moaning and sprawling on the mattress. Thank God no one is seeing this. In synchronicity with the energy my arms rise above my head and touch the ground in a pose of surrender. But… ccould.. how can this possibly be true? I can feel my hands touching the ground, but I also feel the ground touching my hands! IT IS ALL MEEEEE!!! WUUUUUAAAH§HFZ&VI%R§§VI”?BDIS-- AHAHAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Visions of something closely related to an eye opening and closing. An eternal pulse. Ecstasy. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I cannot handle this energy. I surrender. Nothingness. I am back. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I sit up. I sit in meditation posture. I am caught in an archetypical loop. I attempt some Pranayama, but it is completely absurd, the energy is already rising anyways, me trying to make it rise is just distorting the process. Visions of volcanic ecstasy as >something< is simultaneously giving birth to, playing with, fucking and devouring itself. I lay back down and go for some more rounds on the strange loop of (non)existence. 3.30am Holy shit. I just looked at the clock for the first time since lying down. The feeling in my abdomen is now neither that of light nor decay, but telling me to go to the bathroom to take a piss. “This was the peak”, I think to myself. But I am still tripping balls. The visuals are still three-dimensional and I am so confused I don’t even know I am confused. I get up slowly and awkwardly, not used to my limbs. Like after a long session of meditation but a million times more weird. As I am walking to the bathroom I think to myself something along the lines of: “So, kids, you want something that really kicks in? Try the ultimate drug; DEATH! That shit will fuck you up!” I remember Leo saying something like “This shit will destroy your life!” in a blog video. I laugh internally, because he is right. I sit down on the toilet and sink my head into my hands. I just sit there. After some time I am finally able to pee. What a relief. I get up and stand in front of the mirror. I have done this before on acid, so I knew the key (as always) was to stay calm and not attach to anything you might see. Then it can get really interesting. And oh boy it did. Unfortunately there is not the slightest chance that I can express what I saw in that mirror. Let me put it like this. On the one hand, there is absolute Nothingness. Nirvikalpa Samadhi. No self, no reflections, just void. Then on the other hand there is Savikalpa Samadhi. It is essentially still the same nothingness, but it is “interpreted”. It gets interpreted as absolutely everything. All possibilities of all that could possibly exist and happen. An infinite cloud of quantum potential, not yet manifested. And I was standing there, my reflection morphing and shifting through all these different possibilities. I saw nothing and everything at the same time. Angles, demons, animals, indefinable shapes and objects… The stuff I saw was so utterly terrifying but also incredibly beautiful. Beyond human. Consciousness itself, available to only those who pass through the portal of death. I saw myself skimming through the billions of years of evolution. One appearance stuck with me in particular. (I also think it was the one that pulled me out of the trance, because I identified with it.) I saw my reflection calmly looking back at me with the features and elegance of a wolf, waiting patiently. The eyes, oh the eyes… I went back to my room and laid down on the mattress. What else was I supposed to do? The destructive forces I was describing earlier were no longer present. They had done their job. I was fucking gone. I remember laying there with nothing left but the taste of LSD. One eye closed, the other open. Completely relaxed, it feels natural. This is consciousness, beyond life, beyond death. ???am And once more I was thankful for having read “The Psychedelic Experience”. There was this entity, some sort of androgynous mother – father being of enormous light, power and attraction. (I don’t’ know which one though.) It first manifested as a point before my minds eye. Then lines formed around it and it started spinning. Out of this spin it grew in size, playfully jumping across my field of perception. It formed two antipodes that were conscious manifestations of the male and female principle. These two antipodes were entangled and making love to each other. The appearance was constantly shifting, but at times it actually resembled gorgeous body shapes of man and woman. It wanted me to join. “Come on, baby” it whispered with the most seductive bedroom eyes. But having had read the manual, I just laid there and watched… The entity became disappointed with me not wanting to participate, spun back into itself and disappeared. ~5.00am I got up from the mattress. I wanted to go outside to watch the sunset on a nearby hill. I went over to my laptop and googled when the sun would rise. (I usually sleep a lot longer than sunrise.) 7.19am . Still a bit of time to go. Using the laptop felt fucking weird and I had to laugh at myself struggling with the keyboard. I was able to recreate the “vibratory feeling” at will at the back of the head (more gentle, not violent this time), which again led to the realization that all is Spirit and sent me into a transcendent state. So I just sat there. After a while I took up a pen and paper. (I read / listen to most spiritual stuff in english. Therefore it felt natural to me to write this down in english.) Transcript: So, ah It seens [seems] like You are the devil A reality distorting fuck It fkkin vibrates feel it (beyond) Spirit (beyond) You are all that ever existed you Smiling at what I had just written, I decided to listen to some music. I played the album “Spira Mirabilis” by Ajja. Oh man. I already liked that album before the trip, but now, being in that state, I felt how the music was really expressing the inexpressible! The rhythmic movement of the cosmic snake… Go listen to that album! (You can also listen to music during to come-up to calm you down. During the peak it is pretty much pointless I think. You can just tune into that which the artist was tuned into and got his inspiration from ;-) Since the peak was over for me I was very grateful for this beautiful manifestation of soundwaves.) So there I was, still wrapped in a blanket, dancing and stomping through the room to these rhythms that reflected the structure of mind back to me. ~6.00am I was getting tired of dancing and the album was getting close to its end. I decided to roll a joint, which I would smoke while watching the sunrise. I had already noticed this on other trips and it was exactly the same this time: The more you try to roll the joint, the more you fuck up. Your hands get wet and shaky, your sense of touch is just really awkward. Don’t even try. Let your muscle memory take over. The joint basically rolls itself :-D Having finished the task, I just sat there some more. ~6.30am I put on warm clothes (it was the first night after this summer where the temperature dropped below 0°C) and stepped outside. The first rays of light were already crawling across the sky. The cold morning air was very refreshing. So I just walked. I was still tripping quite hard, going in and out of my mind, laughing at nothing at all while staring into oblivion. I just hoped I wouldn’t come across anyone I knew. The luminous visual patterns had disappeared by now, but trees still looked incredible. That fractal skeleton, so freaking gorgeous. I recognized the same “I am” thought that my experience was based on to also create the trees and other stuff I was looking at. No matter where you look, you always encounter your own consciousness. After about 20 minutes I arrived at the top of the hill. The sun had not yet risen but everything was bright already. It was so beautiful. The trees, the birds, fog crawling through the valleys and villages… All enlightened from within. In perfect order. I just sat there, soaking in the scenery and emptying my mind. Then I lit the joint. Cannabis and LSD synergize extremely well. (This can go into both directions, however, so be careful!) The weed “reenergized” the trip a little bit, the visuals became stronger again and my mind started to go in circles. As I was sitting there, smoking, I thought to myself: “Man, there is so much more profound stuff you could be doing with your breath instead of inhaling smoke for a little high…” But I won’t complain. The high was very pleasant. Just what I wanted. ;-) I sat there for probably almost two hours, motionless. In that period I had some interesting thoughts and I realized I should dive deeper into Hinduism and its pantheon. The deities represent archetypical forces that make up both cosmic and individual mind. I took an extra long way home. I just wanted to walk, feel my body and soak in some more of that spirit-made-manifest. I gave my best not to take on the role of the unconscious forces I had unleashed this night. I often caught myself romanticizing over thoughts of how I am this cosmic lover, destroyer of the universe. But as always… don’t attach, watch it, let it pass… ~9.00am I arrived back home. My pets were already waiting for me to feed them, and I was happy to see them. I fondled their heads, looked them deep into the eyes and smiled as I saw myself looking back at me. I fed them, let them go outside into the garden, sat down on the couch, closed my eyes and drifted through my mind. I don’t really remember anything specific from this period. 12.00am After 13 hours of intense tripping, I finally felt like I was ready to sleep. I laid down on the mattress, and fell asleep… I woke up only a few hours later at around 4.00pm but still felt quite refreshed. I ate some pumpkin soup, thought about all the crazy stuff that had happened last night and drew this picture: APPENDIX So, what did I learn from that experience? I wouldn’t consider this a life-changing trip, for I had already grasped (intellectually) the concepts I was confronted with. It wasn’t my first ride. But probably the most intense one. It taught me, that if I want to reach those higher levels of consciousness naturally, I will have to stop doing psychedelics at some point. Psychedelics are like plugging in your 5V USB directly into a nuclear power station. Brute force, anything that stands in its way shall be annihilated. It works, hell yeah, it works… But you are supposed to consciously evolve your ego to these levels like a flower growing day by day towards the light until it blossoms. Sacrificing your unevolved self in some sort of chemically induced satanic ritual to the Absolute isn’t going to cut it in the end. It is the difference between Syd Barret and Ramana Maharshi. I feel like most of the trip was in the light of the third perinatal matrix. As a non-labor Caesarian born this was something quite new and “interesting” for me. I had arrived at Nothingness before in other trips, but the demonic and destructive component had never really been revealed that clearly. The "love component" was largely missing this time. Also the fact that “all is Spirit” was really brought to mind once again. Day and night, love and hate, demons and angles, it is all just consciousness playfully taking on various vibratory states. There is no reason to fear anything. It is everything. You are it. You are everything. APPENDIX II For all you lovers of wisdom you can never grasp, for it eats you alive… There is this archetypical sequence of vibratory states, the order in which the deities appear. When we first stumbled across this phenomena with a group of friends (all on acid, of course) we called it TAKT (german for beat/rhythm. But not (just) the musical one…) And it gets fucking weird… By completely emptying yourself you can become superconductive and let IT move using YOUR body. Then you dance the way Shiva does, and everything is in harmony. People will stare at you in horror and delight. What is this secret code, the rhythm of the universe through which everything unfolds? It is encoded by the symbols on the inside of the Inca Ouroboros I borrowed for my painting. It is the array of trigrams / hexagrams in the I-Ching. It is the ever-repeating process manifested in the perinatal matrices. It is the way that cosmic eye opens and closes. It is the cycle of Samsara. It is the “I am” thought popping in and out of existence. It is a deeper level of consciousness that makes up your existence in this very moment. It is a part of you. Therefore you cannot grasp it or make a model of it. And if you can make a model of it that model will not be satisfying. The model would only be an abstraction, a shadow. What you want is the direct experience, and to get there you have to let go of all concepts. So if you are going to model it and talk about it anyways make sure you do not confuse the model for the actual thing. Don’t walk around and show it to people, claiming you found the answers to life. The only way to really know is to embody!

Yes, I think the problem is that we conflate concepts with reality. So when we say "Nothing is what is left when you remove everything, it's still something!" we are actually talking about the concept of nothing. The concept of nothing is actually something, it is the concept of "The absence of everything!". It's nothing but a delusion of language, and has as much to do with nothingness as the concept of red has to do with redness. I just want to poke into Leo's logic, because he values concepts so much when they do not seem to have much to do with what is beyond.

The nothingness of MU is a null void. Nothing. Once I had direct experience with the absolute nothingness of MU it blew away any concepts I had about nothingness.

I would agree that thoughts and concepts are closely-tied to distinctions and dominant our perception. Yet, I'm not so sure they are limited to thoughts and concepts. I've been to absolute nothingness of Mu. No distinctions, absolute nothing. The first "something" that appeared was not associated with thoughts, concepts or vision (I was blind to the external world). An observer appeared with the first something. This was the first distinction. Then there where more distinctions that arose. No thoughts or concepts. Many more distinctions arose before the first thoughts/concept distinctions arose. Based on this experience, I would consider thoughts/concepts to be a relatively advanced form of distinction. There were plenty of distinctions prior to thoughts and concepts. Although, I suppose one could say there where subconscious concepts present which allowed the observation of the early distinctions.

I will share my awakening story in other moment. Working with magic mush the last year on meditation took me thru is call kundalini awakening. The life energy, the serpent dormant on your root chakra. I was feeling the energy going up and down my entire body. One day kriyas (involuntary movements after meditation or relax state) appear. I was scare, but never to the point to keep my practice, my expansion of consciousness. after a couple weeks during deep meditation a realization appear. Kriyas just vanish because I realize that was my awareness taking place, moving ego to the side. My mind was quiet for the first time in my life, I was feeling like eckhart tolle. Able to answer any existence question. But, I keep pushing myself into more meditation. Now I understand concept like reality, duality, awareness, nothingness, free will...and more. Pressure on my head was the indication of the third eye open and going to blow into crown chakra. last meditation on 10 gr, I understand the meaning of enlightement, my body was ripped on parts and the feeling of I was dead overwhelmed. The "source" a warm amber place where I discover who I am on my first meditations was replaced for what I call "the white room" was like waking up from the illusion of life. Was the explanation and understanding that I'm consciousness and everything is consciousness (maybe we can called god or creator) the understanding on how consciousness in order to experience his own consiousness destroy itself into we call reality, the deep understanding of the illusion of time and space was downloaded on me. And the realization of what enlightement mean and how to reach that state. That we are one consciousness. The understanding of reencarnation enlightenment is trancendanse, the transformation to your highest level, going into pure consciousness.. we called dead, but to reach that state, you have to peel all the layers of the ego illusion on you, and need to be done before time and space illusion makes you come back as a new being (before getting old, and that is other kind of enlightement) i know, this is my reality, and after enlightement everything I know will be vanish. But, I'm holding tight on my left over ego is on me, I changed to much in a short time. is hard to swallow, but in a ruff way to reach enlightement is thru self destruction of the illusionary self the destruction of ego. And that is way monks, yogis and others practice. if you relate, please let me know what's coming, I don't want to keep going, I'm not ready for what's is on the end of the rabbit hole.

I bet, eventually, no matter what relationship you're in, it will go toward life purpose + spirituality whether you like it or not. At least it will have to fall into LP. And yes, it does correlate. Here's why... Eventually, a person will retire. Most ppl retire at or after age 65. Let's spice it up a little. What if you retire much younger? Like in your 30s and 40s? What are you going to do for the rest of your life? Relationships are not the answer. It will go out of balance. How long are you going to be "in love?" The "lovey-dovey" phase can only last for so long. What are you going to do? You can't talk to each other forever. It will get boring. Some ppl don't have to work a day in their lives anymore. Then what? They don't even have to lift a finger anymore--no housework, no cooking, nothing. Then what? Life can only get duller if you don't know how to live it. There's a saying, "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." This includes idle relationships. One cannot go on continuously talking small talk to each other forever. If this happens, they'll just find an excuse to fight. What's the next step? Detachment and finding the LP. This is probably a stage yellow clip at least because the word "detachment" is our true nature. He talks about detachment in relationships. That's how it works. The truth to why it's our true nature is because when you're experiencing an awakening that has to do with the nothingness, you will see and become one with everything but detached from everything. That's how it works in this life too because duality is correlated, interconnected, and one with non-duality.

"Is the big bang real?" Maybe. Scientists seem to think so. "Did the big bang create the universe?" Maybe. Scientists seem to think so. But then you gotta ask yourself, where did the big bang come from in the first place? Everything comes forth from nothing. That nothingness is you.

I've just had some profound and yet weird experiences. I wanna share and hear your thoughts. When I sit quietly in a restaurant ( I always eat alone) suddenly something went through me. I felt blissful. The whole world seemed to me like a dream ( I don't know if I deluded myself or not because to be honest I already watched Leo's video: Life is a dream). And all the desires for sex, power, money did not interest me anymore. If I had a wish at that moment, I just wanted to be nobody and stay in that moment for ever. I sat quietly for hours and came home. I meditated. Something strange happened: I remembered my weird dream. I was clear to me that the person being conscious in the dream was LITERALLY me. When that dream happened I identified myself as that man in the dream. My mind immediately contemplated: Could it be that in my awakening state I feel conscious and able to think but ACTUALLY there's a higher being that has that feeling and I'm just a vessel. I became conscious of all the irrational and stupid things I had done in the past. I felt every thought I had was not under my control. Moreover, I realized the mind was just a concept. I realized the difference between we (ordinary human beings) and geniuses is the latter not only have strong personality but also they're bestowed with more intelligence. The thought that comes to a genius's mind contains more insights and ideas than ours. 2 days after an insight came to my mind: Everything is unique in its own way. The Buddha is the Buddha, Einstein is Einstein. The Buddha cannot become intelligently at physics and maths as Einstein, simply because the Buddha is made out of certain elements that make him the Buddha. Albert Einstein cannot meditate because he's made out of certain elements that his mind always receives crazy insights. That insight feels a bit sad to me because it means we cannot change anything. The universe runs on its own accord. We're just the vessel. About EXPECTATION: In the way I see, people view enlightenment as something like super power. Honestly, Enlightenment is just an awareness-base pursuit. It does not make you as intelligent as Albert Einstein if the universe does not bestow you with that. I have a feeling enlightenment is not only not for everyone but also for people who are exceptionally gifted like scientists who have push their brain to the absolute limits and now they meditate as a way to surrender themselves in order to receive insights from the universe. The second type of people that are suitable for this path is the people who are not so creative. Their mind is quiet and that's why they can just sit and meditate. After hours meditation they receive insights about the nature of life and reality. It's clear to my that enlightened people are wiser than an average person. It's hard for enlightened beings to do stupid things because they're closely connected with their true feelings and they do not lie to themselves. However, enlightenment can make you lazy and passive. What would you expect from a person who has realized life is just a dream and he's got no control over anything? Do you really thing the person who has realized that has the motivation to go out there and compete with other people? I honestly don't see any chance for that. Take an example: Osho. He's no doubt enlightened. But what did he do through his life? Just meditate and bliss out in nothingness.

What I'm about to describe is NOT: - The experience of music aided by drugs - The feeling of listening to your favorite song - Related to meditation music, meditating with music, etc. - Being affected by lyrics - Dancing / Being at a concert Sometimes I get this jolt of higher consciousness / (nonduality?) when I'm spending time with friends I'm very close to while listening to music. This can happen when I'm alone as well but it's more common with other people. We'll go for walks in the forest, go on long drives, spend time at the beach, take pictures, have dinner, make music together, and have deep conversations. Usually while we're hanging out we're listening to a certain hip hop / rock / electronic album or sometimes just pop music from different eras. There are certain moments during these hangouts / trips that the weather is just perfect, the vibe is just perfect, the music hits perfectly and for a brief moment all pain fades, I'm one with the universe so to speak. Just being, content with existence, relishing the moment, seeing the beauty in everything and where whats in my imagination and whats in my perceptions lose boundaries. I know this is more than just a good feeling in the music, because it doesn't happen all the time when listening to these songs. But in the right environment, with the right mindset, the music is the thing that just pushes me over the edge into this euphoric state. I believe the music is part of it, but its moreso that the music opens me up emotionally so to speak and in that moment I am able to fully embrace being. It's in these moments where I think I understand what Leo often talks about as nothingness and infinity, it's like an infinite nothingness, and all I can respond with is awe. I sometimes wonder if that is what enlightenment is, to experience this feeling nonstop, if so that would be a bit overwhelming! I wanted to get your opinions on this, and any other music that opens you up to experiencing being in this way. If you're curious, here's a few "magic moments" in songs where my friends and I have experienced this feeling.

First of all, English is not my primary language, so sorry if I'm not able to express everything clearly. During last night's sitting, some mind blowing insights came to my mind and I started shaking like hell while feeling this extremely pleasant sensation. Is this normal? Does it mean movement in the right direction? In the wrong direction? Or no movement? Insight No1: How can all this stuff come from nothing? Imagine you start with 0. Thats nothing. Now, you have +1 - 1. That still amounts to nothing, but you see some "individuals" making up that nothing, but it is still blatantly obvious that it is nothing. Then, it becomes -3 -2 -1 + 3 + 2 + 1 = 0. Still nothing, but it is getting more complex. I felt like today the equation got so complicated that it is deceiving us by being incredibly tricky to trace back to 0, so we start to believe in separateness from it. It is as if universal intelligence has found a very clever way to create something out of nothing Insight No2: The Society Struggle Imagine you are trapped inside a well. You are 100km from the bottom of the well, and you are 1km from the top surface of the well. However, there is a little problem: every time you come close to the top of the well, the well increases its size upwards by 1km. Therefore, it is infinite and you will never reach the top end. Now I ask you: in which direction would you move? Society, unconscious people keep moving upwards, believing they will reach the top. And even when they realize they can't, just keep going, because it gives this false sense that you are going somewhere. But they do not realize that if they want to get somewhere, the only way is to move downwards towards the bottom. There, you arrived. Now imagine that bottom is the nothingness, the origin of all Circles are amazing. Imagine the center of a circle is the origin of it all. The source point. The nothing. As things get more complex, we walk away from that point, and we find a circle with a radius. Now, the bottom of the well is the center of the circle. And moving outwards the center of the circle, as society does, is the journey to nowhere. It looks like it is increasing complexity, but that's it. It is still a journey to nowhere. And the problem is that this "complexity", as it increases, it becomes further away from the center, that is, the world will become less connected to its core. Insight No3: Science has got it backwards Imagine this same circle. Imagine that in a point this circle radius describes the understanding of the universe from like 3000 years ago, and lets assume that's point 0 for the beginning of math/physics. The goal of developing math, then, was to describe the universe. However, the universe needs no description. It just is. By being a human being and creating math, you are just creating further complexity compared to the complexity you have on that moment, thus expanding the circle outwards. Sure, math can explain some things from the inner circles. Actually, I would say it does not "explain", but just "describe". What good does describing something do? It just increases its complexity. It the object we call the sun has complexity +30020, calling it a sun just increases its complexity to +30023. Therefore, to really get to the meaning of stuff, it is not about the journey outwards, creating more complex models to explain the inwards. Actually, just go inwards. Ok, that was it. hahahaha. I'm more interested not in the insight content evaluation, but more on the nature of having these kinds of insight. Does that mean Im increasing consciousness? Staying in the same place? Decreasing consciousness? Does this stuff clutter my mind or help me feel connected to the nothingness?

Your second phrase= I can't think about NOthingness there is nothing in it,,,, It's just nothing clear I guess... !

for the dark tunnel and the fast car - maybe your subconciousness tells you hey i‘m driving in a fast fancy vehicle into the unknown in full speed - question is: where you afraid? how did it feel? what is the dark tunnel? life? subconciousness? spiritual world? reality? past? future? nothingness? maybe both dreams show you a signal that you are working in another mind level where you didn’t bring light, maybe yet? subconciousness just talks to you - tells you it’s aware of it, that’s how i would interprete it.

Perhaps. But I see two issues here; putting aside the Buddha's prescription to ignore it as an inappropriate question. First is that there are various states of consciousness which seem eternal, or unmanifest, or unconditioned. Buddhism has a rich lexicon covering these. Some examples include the formless attainments: the perception of the dimension of infinite space... the dimension of infinite consciousness... the dimension of nothingness... the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception. There is delusion-concentration (like dreamy, half-asleep), there is non-perception (in which absolutely nothing is perceived), there is the non-dual totality I quoted earlier, there is seeing everything is being luminously white. I could go on. None of these are Nibbana, yet it is easy to mistake them for such. I'm sure Hinduism has its various samadhi states which it also discounts as being "not the final thing". But even putting aside these rarefied states of consciousness is the tendency for people to "think" their way into enlightenment, deluding themselves. Secondly, is that most people, even if they see the "real" thing, will delight in it, take passion in it, and take it as an eternal self. If one does this with Nibbana, their awakening is said to be incomplete. This is precisely why Buddha hard-rejects all notions of eternalism, precisely for this reason. So when I hear people say "I know what the Self is... it's blah blah", I already know they haven't reached the end. They've made it into something to cling to. This is why "Who am I?" is a bad question, because there ARE answers to it, and they are all wrong.

That's an illusion of nothingness. rawr!

@Nahm NOTHINGNESS ??? ? I guess