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I had a lucid dream-like experience of visiting the akashic records. There I was approached by souls from my life, namely many characters that abused me in my childhood asking for my forgiveness and apologizing for the pain they caused me. Next day as I woke up, I got a text from a former friend who has anti-social personality disorder - who preyed on me when I was a teenager - asking me for something, and I just swiftly replied with "No thank you." symbolising my ending of the codependent cycle. At the same time I was then guided to watch many videos on youtube about gaslighting and narcissism. Later the same day I was a witness to intense level of attempts of the two narcissistic roommates to gaslight me. It was fascinating. One of them, a covert narcissist acting like a totally sweet person, tried to diminish my attempt to comfort a friend. The other one - overt narcissist, said something about my sweet potato in the oven... AINT NOONE TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY POTATO! My sweet potato is a gift from heaven and you shall not spew your poison on such Aight?! Today was really intense! edit: Oh yeah there is an eclipse coming in tomorrow so this all makes sense :D. I wish everyone a happy blood moon 21.1/18 :-) edit2: I should mention during this visit I was balling so hard, I mean I was hurt really badly as a child and I have totally forgotten and dissociated from that. I am so grateful I get to heal all this pain. I have also become very needy and codependent and for some reaosn I absolutely LOVE discovering that part of me. It finally feels like I am able to invite intimacy in. Btw akashic records are pretty awesome, heaven rocks guys. The energy is pure bliss and perfection of consciousness.

I have noticed that the reason I want to know the truth, the existential nature of reality, is because I am fearful about what happens after death or in the future of my life. I want something to tell me that everything is alright and that there is nothing to fear, (you can't live life if you are afraid of death). The reason I want to know truth is coming more from fear then from curiosity. I am thinking that IF the answer is "bad" meaning that we come to a worse place after death, I don't want to know it, I would rather continue living in ignorance (ignorance is bliss) then know the truth if the truth is scary. Leo often says that we should pursue truth for truths sake, but why would we want to know if the truth is negative (or terrifying, horrible, horrific etc.)? From everything I've heard, the truth seems to be positive but the point is that I don't know that yet since I am not enlightened and the main reason I am pursuing truth is because of fear.

@ivankiss Yes I can only imagine, the only extended periods of bliss, presence, and some degree of nonduality is when tripping. Definitely see how living life from that state can be one of the most powerful things there is.

YOUR TRUE NATURAL STATE = the body of water. totally at peace. in bliss and joy. Then a fish jumps out of the water. The fish jumps out of the water and lands on the riverbank. It flips and flops as it suffers... It longs to return back to the water. Another fish also jumps out, lands at the riverbank... flips and flops and then eventually goes back into the water. There are many fishes which have jumped out of the water, they flip and flop and make their way back to the water or die while trying and suffering at the riverbank. The fishes are your thoughts. All desires/projections/questions you ask are fishes jumping on the riverbank... and until that question is answered, or desire is had or a fear is overcome, the fish remains at the riverbank... suffering... you are not at peace. you have an itch. when you ask how do i get enlightened or how will i have an awakening - you are jumping out of the water and you suffer in the search for the answer... the answer is the water! jump back into the water and stay there. while in the water, realize that you are already where you need to be. that is enlightenment. that is awakening. that is the pathless path of ignorance. when the ego/mind is told to be still and remain calm and remain silent. it does not get it that the peace and silence is a simple ordinary experience. that is happiness. the end of the activity of the mind. asking questions about it... like how will that help me get awakened or enlightened is another fish jumping out of the water... you cannot be awakened/be at peace until all of your fish are back in the water. and remain there. now fishes still may will jump out of the water even after you get this. however, you will then know that you are water, which is at peace, in bliss, in happiness. you will simply watch the fish as you watch the clouds in the sky until the fish jumps back into the water you will not suffer from it's suffering because you are no longer identified or giving weight to the thought/question idea. rest in your INNER PEACE <3

The mind-body primarily desires security and comfort. There comes a time when seeking truth raises insecurity and discomfort. To continue on, one must prioritize truth over security and comfort. Part of my resistance to seeking truth was that my mind created all sorts of scary scenarios of what the outcome might be like. I wanted some assurance that if I went through the process, it would be ok in the end. Yet nobody could give me that assurance. I had to venture through it alone. I had support from others, yet the direct experience was through my mind and body. There are aspects of letting go of control and surrendering to what is that were very uncomfortable at times. Yet, there is also deeper modes of being regarding peace, human connection, love and the magnificence of reality that I could not have imagined. You say that you may rather continue living in ignorance, since ignorance is bliss. Yet, you also say that you are fearful about death and the future of your life. That doesn't sound very blissful to me.

Title explains it all. Have at it folks If I must elaborate though, here are some of my thoughts: I am basically wondering if it is best to become happy with no stimulation, rather than needing stimulation.........maybe once you are ok without stimulation like for the rest of your life, you can slowly(mb very slowly) bring in stimulation....know what I mean? Of course, this wondering stems from stimulation in relation to happiness. We watch movies, we play video games, drink, smoke, go for walks, hang out with friends, go rock climbing or skiing or ATVing or tubing or sailing or...ya you get the point. Basically anything in life that we do for fun or to create happiness. Even just relaxin lol..... A lot of the time though, obviously, we are not doing those things and we may get bored or something. Anybody ever get bored at work? Anybody ever wished their shift was over? If we just completely cut out all sources of stimulation/fun/happiness is it possible to acclimate to that lifestyle? If we could acclimate to that lifestyle, would it be a tolerable suffer or a positive bliss/relaxed state or would we still be riding some sort of roller coast? If it was a tolerable suffer, would it be enough of a trade off to commit to the lifestyle. Are any of the options a good trade off compared to the typical lifestyle? I hope people don't take this the wrong way haha !

I’m trying to categorize and subdivide infinity into smaller pieces, in order to put it into tiny, defining boxes we call words. I see the impossibility there and it makes me smile. every word, every thought makes infinite possibilities collapse. but I really want to try, as I feel that writing could help me with the integration process. I also want to share this experience with all of you, since I would have never, ever had this experience without this wonderful place full of inspiring souls <3 thank you I feel like everything’s perfect and exactly the way it should be. this is such a relief. I’m still in awe by all of it. it’s still hard for me to communicate, linear logic I used to rely on so much seems to fail me.. but I don’t mind, it feels like I’ve madly fallen in love with life I drank ayahuasca for the first time right after a 1 week long retreat in a Zen monastery. how perfect is that? the monastery was a beautiful experience. meditation, zen books and the most amazing garden I’ve ever seen. (I finally understood why Zen monasteries are actually Blue by the way, huge insight for me) soothing and healing nonetheless. I drank aya in a beautiful place in nature with to kind souls taking care of me (good thing, I was completely out of my mind. in a good way though) I lied down with my eyes closed, focusing on my breath. the effects came in subtle waves. tingling, my meditation started to feel deeper than usual. it became easier and easier to ‚reach‘ that state were I completely let go and forget ‚myself‘ and merge with my surroundings. as I didn’t feel any difference between ‚me‘ and the girl lying next to me, I knew that aya had started to work in me. and so I surrendered. the whole trip could only be described as a huge game of surrender - deeper and deeper and deeper into the rabbit-hole. and wow, I didn’t know….I couldn’t have ever imagined how deep this goes. the more I died, the more infinite ‚I‘ became. inside became outside, the deeper I went ‚in‘, the further I came ‚out‘. the more layers I stripped off me, the more I gave away, the richer I felt. rich in everything, everything. I screamed out in pleasure. I didn’t know that was even possible. it just got better and better, infinite joy and bliss. I couldn’t believe it was so, so fucking amazing. it made me cry. every time I thought "oh fuck, this is it. it's so fucking perfect. it has to be it", it went even deeper. I couldn't believe the bliss I saw life in a flow and resistance against it being the biggest problem. but I really started to get good at letting go, so I surrendered all the resistance again and again. each time merging with the overwhelming stream. the flow was everywhere, I infinite melody, the sound of life. it was in me, around me, flew through me. I surrendered a million times, consciously. I died and died and died and each time I felt more one with the universe. I couldn’t believe the bliss. unimaginable. it still brings me to tears. I am crying right now <3 at one point I felt the earth sucking me in. the soil ate me, tore me into infinite parts until there was nothing left of me. then it spat me out again. I felt the earth giving birth to me, again and again. it felt so..organic, dirty. it was both painful, disgusting and also the most natural and beautiful process I’ve ever been through. that cycle went on for a while. each time I felt more and more connected to nature. like nature streaming through my veins as the effects started to lessen.. I was too in awe. I couldn’t speak for a while. all I did was sitting on the ground, crying and shivering. I looked around like I’d never seen a forest in my life before. and I hadn’t. not like that. I literally felt like a newborn. I looked at the world, unable to conceptualize it. they spoke to me, I could only listen in awe. no words came out of me. everything was new. my whole body felt like it had just been reborn. every movement seemed so foreign. (my trip sitter told me later that my movements and whole coordination looked very weird. they said "literally like those of a newborn") I think this will change my life. I don’t know how yet, but I really hope I can integrate this into my daily experience. I want to embody everything I’ve felt. I still feel kind of different than before. there is something deep inside me, like peace and calmness. like I’ve stopped searching because somehow I know that it’s all in me. nothing „out there“ could ever fulfill me. it’s all inside. I also realized that it will never end. awakening is not an endpoint like I’d imagined it to be. it’s a beginning, again and again. there is always deeper to go, more to surrender and more infinity to expand into. that’s the beauty. it brings me to tears <3

Yet again I'm here with my mystical experiences on weed. Couple of days ago I vaped weed with my wife. Nothing special just talking and being in silence. After a while for a brief moment I just went into a trance state somehow and boom I became infinite/god. But this experience for me was totally different then my previous ones. Reality was such an obvious illusion. And then an insight occurred that by being infinite I created life as a game, and also I'm playing it myself with myself. Not only I'am playing it, but there are no rules to this game called life. It was such an amazing insight which led me (to a degree) to ego death and a non-dual state. My identity was gone, the illusion vanished like a fog. Then I'm just sitting in silence just being conscious and then after a short period I felt something soooo amazing I can't even put into words. It felt like heaven just fell down on me with this infinite goodness, peace, bliss, calmness! I didn't feel anything, but only that state! I was so gone of this body. If I could imagine what enlightenment is, I would explain it with what I felt! But that only lasted for like 4 seconds. Then my ego just resisted it and in a very weird way I was back to myself. And the first thing that I thought coming down from that state was: "Damn It's good to be back". The mind was scared of the experience that It was aware of. After that I still, to a degree, was in a non-dual state but it was fading little by little. The most interesting part was after about 20mins of that experience, I was aware that my mind is playing tricks. I felt the urge that I wanna just go play video-games right at that moment. I was so aware of that, that I caught my own mind in the self-deception (a total ah-ha moment). Which at that moment was a mistake of my own mind that made me consciously realize what a beast the mind is, what the ego does to make me deceive myself from the truth. I'am my only enemy in this path. Also when I was about to go to bed I saw some chocolate left in the kitchen as I was about to pick it up I (in a spiritual way) thought: "Is it ok for me eat this chocolate right now?" and I answered: "Only if I choose to" a sense of free will appeared for me which I never so strongly felt before. Insights: - I was never born, my identity is just an idea. My life is an idea. - Everything is a distraction from the truth. Family, friends, work, relationships, even my own wife is a distraction for me. But I really do mean EVERYTHING. - Most important thing in life: Life purpose + Enlightenment. It's weird that I somehow wonder up on these experiences while high on weed. Maybe it's the method that I smoke it has to do with something clicking in my mind. But when I vape it and feel the high coming up my mind just go nuts, thought after thought, insight after insight. In a way, now that I'm talking about it, I'm kinda thankful for weed. Couple of years ago I had some insights which changed the direction of my life quite massively. One of my friends who works in a bong shop said that vaporizing weed gives you more of a mental high than just stone you to death. That experience shook me in such a good way that the day after I woke up feeling so good, I never had so much motivation to do spiritual work, to do meditation, to contemplate and my yoga books are on the way that I'm so excited to start these practices. These are the most important things for me right now. I will do the work required to feel those 4seconds again. But next time - sober.

You can’t want what you already are. We are bliss shining into this world; the consciousness which holds the entire universe of form and Truth. Right here and right now we are all perfect, our thoughts and emotions and the world are not different from God. This is my way of seeing this. I would spend my last 2 days just the way I am, the entirety of all creation shining into infinite space. Like a star in the night sky, while also being the entire emptiness it is contained within. The light of a candle, and the darkness that holds it. We are always this. We created the veils ourselves, and can pull down the curtain in any moment we choose as the combination of pure awareness and the light of life in the heart. Namaste.

@lostmedstudent I concur with what outlandish wrote. I'd like to add a few points. A trip sitter adds another variable to the setting. If you go with a sitter, I would recommend one with psychedelic experience. During your trip, an experienced sitter can provide calm, grounding energy and guidance. They have direct experience with the psychedelic mindset and in a sense get on the same frequency. In contrast, I would not get an inexperienced sitter to prevent me from harming myself or others, or doing something stupid. Generally on low/moderate doses, the person can talk and settle themselves down. You haven't fully lost sense of reality and there is a sense of self control. A mind can still distinguish between "real" and "fantasy". On high doses, the self is dissolved after ego death and there is generally no fear or anxiety. There is no one left to be fearful for. Post-ego, the mind-body doesn't have much motivation to cause harm. . . Harm anxiety generally arises in the sub-ego death zone, when the ego is losing control of reality and struggles to maintain control. The ego may generate harm anxiety imagery as resistance. I've experience this many times, particularly as a novice, including exactly what you wrote: "I can't give up control!! I could run outside screaming!!! I could use knives on myself!!!". The ability to distinguish "real" from "not real" is lost. It is only during part of the trip and can be very uncomfortable. Yet, they have provided me with profound insights about my subconscious egoic structure. As well, I've found harm anxiety to be a protective mechanism. Early on, there was fear that some dark creature within me might arise if I surrendered control. Yet, I've found that creature was a protective fantasy of my ego. What lies beneath the ego is a deeper intelligence, love, connection and creativity that isn't interested in harming myself or anyone else. I would recommend doing 1.5g solo in a meditative familiar setting with various options. If things drift into a dark area, changing activity or simply going to another room can completely change the energy. At 1.5g, you would likely have the option of letting go and allowing the ego to more fully dissolve into groundlessness, or regaining control toward being more grounded. On the flip side of harm anxiety, there is blissful surrender. I've entered the sub ego death zone to see the most beautiful bliss beyond imagination and look back to see an egoic world tension, confusion and crap. The first time, my mind thought to the psychedelic "teacher" : "What a second. Are you telling me, if I surrender I give up all the suffering and crap of the egoic state and get to enter bliss beyond imagination? Heck yea!! Let's go!!!".

I don't think this is true. Brahman in (Advaita) Vedanta is defined as Sat-Chit-Ananda (Existence-Consciousness-Bliss). Absolute Brahman is pur subjectivity with no content or object. And it says you are that Brahman. Your error is to assume because it has a name therefore it must be "something". But that's not what Advaita Vedanta says. There is a clear distinction between subject and object.

@Arhattobe no self inquiry, but he didn't know he was doing it...then a random awakening happend, then sat on a park bench for 5 months in a state of bliss, lucky bastard ? In all seriousness it must of been a bit weird though. Especially not knowing what has happend to him. It wasn't until like 3-5 years later he found out what happend to him through reading about spirituality that he realized he was enlightened. Most people I've looked into have become enlightened through self inquiry of some kind.

Because to not see the incredible nature of reality in front of you, can only be resulted from these causes. Otherwise you would be awe struck, you would cry "Thank you god, thank thank thank you!" There would be deep bliss and pure oness. The only thing preventing you from seeing it is deep unconscious sleep within maya, which results in full attachment to thought, and therefore your attention is taken from direct experience. The problem is that you call your suffering ordinary. You think it's inherent to existence, but it's far from truth. Suffering is caused only by delusion, it's unnecessary.

That everything comes down to direct experience. the illusion in my mind is gone. it is just "me" here and now. nothing else. ………...beauty and pure bliss.

Alright, let's start. I've contemplated and watched the new Eckhart Tolle video today, and saw how even he changed because how society changed, he actually used a German word and manipulated the crowd to become more conscious at one point, I saw or perceived how he was saying Mensch to have some sort of impression of a human being, not sure about the historical context of that. Next, I am a bit ashamed but not very much that I actually saw something which was of the value of me, after talking to TJ Reeves I looked into the test that he started and found something out. That I am a Rebel, which I never would have thought, I always thought I am more of a questioner since people always ask me, what do you mean? Why do you say that? Why do you question things so much? Anyway and resist expectations. Which is normal for me. Yet, I am unsure what I can learn from that. Anyway I hate this forum sometimes and I am not going to repeat what I wrote and found out that a rebel is capable of having structure and at the same time the best option is to change his identity and to have strategic clarity about his purpose, so keep reminding myself and writing down the reasons and programming them into my sub-consciousness is a great gateway for achieving higher realms of productivity and finally embodying my vision. With all of that in mind I wanted to re-strategize Strategic clarity: Why did I start and continue to follow my life purpose, since it includes the passions I've had as a child, yet never honed and, therefore, I can't fully enjoy them. Why do them then? Because these are the feelings I had as a child when I recall correctly William James said or Freud it is the oceanic feeling, a feeling (almost) of rupture and pure bliss. I can remember having so much fun learning languages and interacting with humans, at the same time programming and enjoying asking questions, and even doing the math and overall being smart is enjoyable. Why do I slack of then ? Sometimes it is normal it is a state of homeostasis of re-regulation of body/mind and especially old habits. So, having a new identity will help, so buying clothes is even important for me now, but it has to be authentic 100%!! Otherwise, it will only be another curse. -> Clarity and Strategic intent to remember when visualizing my lp before going to bed why do it and what it means to me identity wise, what I want to do and especially expect to destruct all expectations that I have of myself and that I have of others, An ultimate no mind. With the sensibility of running wild on train tracks to a never-ending destiny, reaching the speed of light, smacking trains into the universe. Now, what else is important? -> For this journal here keep in mind clarity of strategic intent and keep writing why you are doing it and why it felt so good to begin with keep reading even when it is just a re-glimpsing of some sort of information. Today I read in the book thick face black heart: Never hit a dog when you don't know who is the owner, it said that in China that a stray dog will be hit or shied away? By some sort of means. Because he is a bad omen, or maybe starts eating someone who is dead? It said further that you should never hit it when you do not know the owner, so never hurt someone? If you do not know who he belongs to, for example, he could be the rich frat boy whose family works for the hospital and earns a shit ton of money, or he mother of a father is a lawyer. Also, another example was how a small fish eats a big fish and a big fish a small one. Something along these lines and there was an example of a fox who associates himself with a tiger, since in his natural habitat he is quite fragile, even though he is sharp. He wants someone stronger in order to protect his fragility from other predators. The author then says these two are exchangeable and only a metaphor. My take on this is currently, every student or beginner is a fox somehow somewhere and if he or she is unable to find someone who shares his strength, wisdom and durability with him or he. She will be lost, since it is difficult for her to deal with her weaknesses. A personal example, I would want to work with someone who is better at designing and spatial thinking and creating, since I keep being analytical and like ideation. So, even when my ideas are great to implement them I would need a tiger of design/thinking/creating. What did I do today? -> 1h meditation -> approx. 1h 30 min studying -> 1h working out approx. -> reading sporadically ->Being confused by too many audiobooks ->Some stretching I had planned to do in the morning for 15min ->Ordered a whiteboard -> Communicated some other things What I intend to do (present and future self) -> Write down challenges on the white board and cross them off. (I have a calender where I do this with the visualization habit) -> Continue to write a strategic intent and have a clarity of purpose -> Accept your chaos focus on priorities -> Study today till 2 am. -> Focus on why a specific idea or the overall principle adds personal value to me. -> Search for a short compassion exercise.

@zambize Exactly my point. Instead; let's celebrate in union and bliss. Let's create something beautiful! A unique memory for the Universe to remember. Let's get drunk in our creation. Who cares if it's real or not. Percisely nobody.

Hello everyone! I am new to the forum and I decided to share with you one of the most profound and frightening experiences I ever had. I've been following Leo's work and guidance for quite a while now and I became eager to join this community and interact with like-minded individuals. I want to express how amazed I am by the support and help you guys provide here to each-other. I am honored to be a part of this. Not sure if I should introduce myself, so I'm going to keep it short and straight forward. I am a 24 years old male. Born and raised in Serbia, Europe. Grew up without a father and with a dysfunctional, narcissistic mother. At age 15, my mother decided to move us to Slovenia, where I attended high school and lived through my teen years. Ended up working as a waiter for 2-3 years, before finally deciding to focus on my calling and greatest passion - music. Music was there for me since I can remember. It was the parent I never really had, it was my medicine, it was my coping mechanism, it was my way to express everything I was struggling with. It kept me "on track" and away from most of the potential disasters I had the chance to engage in. From a very young age, ever since I first laid my hands on a guitar, I had a clear sense of a "mission". It was like I knew exactly what I needed to do in this lifetime, I just did not have the wisdom to articulate it yet. I became "obsessed" and I practiced day and night, with the intention to share my message one day with the world. At age 22 I became fed up with my job and my controlling mother, so I decided to move yet again - this time by myself - and focus on what really matters to me. I took a major leap, based on blind faith and synchronicity and moved to Portugal to "chase" my dreams. At the time I was working on a project, which I planned to release there and hopefully start doing what I love, professionally and full time. I had little to zero money and almost equally so - no support from anyone. I was producing hip hop beats for local Portugal rappers on the side in order to get by. It was not really "my thing", but nevertheless I was finally focused on music only. Which fulfilled my whole being. I felt like I was reborn and even though I was "struggling", I already felt as I've won. I was splitting a larger apartment with two other roommates, who were very artistically oriented, so the overall vibe of the environment was awesome! I never really had the chance to live the "college lifestyle" before, so I decided to have some fun with local students and go out every once in a while. It was on one of these occasions that I had the experience, which I want to share with you. I also want to mention that I was already doing some "spiritual work" at the time and I also meditated tons throughout my whole life by playing my instrument of choice. I was able to tap into and embody my higher self, which is a necessary part of the creative process for me. Needless to say, this connection was not maintained throughout my daily activities and interactions. It was only present when I opened up myself to the melodies and ideas that wanted to flow through me and become actual. here in this physical realm. So now that you have a "background" I am going to jump into the experience itself. Please try and stick with me 'till the end, I promise it will be worth reading. At first it may seem as if this is just a perfect display of stupidity and immaturity, but that's exactly what I needed back then in order to come to profound realizations and transform entirely. So let's dive in. It was a regular nigh-out for the students of Caldas da Rainha. The city was small and vibrant, full of young people (mostly artistically oriented) who loved to interact and have long, deep, intellectual debates while hanging out in local bars. Needless to say, they also loved to drink a lot and experiment with various substances. Shrooms, MDMA and LSD were among the most popular ones. Prior to my arrival to Portugal, I had a handful of experiences with a few drugs, but I never had any of those 'mind-blowing' trips or anything. I got drunk here and there and I also fancied smoking weed. But I was not emphasizing these things in my life as a lot of other young people do. One of my roommates, who liked going out frequently, showed up at the apartment with a baggie of mushrooms and some MDMA. The other roommate and I were already smoking some weed and drinking some alcohol. We did not have the intention to get "hammered" as we were both working on our projects simultaneously. However, the roommate, who I will here refer to as "the party animal", insisted and wanted us to take a break from our projects and do some shrooms and/or MDMA with him. We rejected him for a few brief moments after which we finally "gave up" and decided to take some MDMA. I do not know how much we took, since he prepared a dosage wrapped in a rolling paper for us to swallow, but looking back I assume it was not a micro-dose. Irresponsible, yeah. We were already high from the weed and kinda drunk as well. We were chatting and listening to music while "waiting" for the MDMA to kick in. Some time has passed this way, we still did not feel any effects so we all took another dosage of M. It was shortly after this that I decided to go "all the way" and do some shrooms with "the party animal" as well. And so I slipped further down the road of irresponsibility (lol). THANK GOD the roommate that was with me all along did not make the same decision, so it ended up being the two of us who were going to be tripping, with the third one "trip-sitting" us. We took a handful (?!) of shrooms and started talking about what we could do to create an awesome experience. We came up with a plan to get to the local park (which is dreamy and beautiful) before the shrooms kicked in. then merge with nature and melt in joy and bliss. Little did we know, it was not going to be such a smooth ride, not at all. And so the "nightmare" begun...We never made it to the park. And it was like literally 12 minutes away, walking. As we left the apartment, we all felt great. I remember feeling on top of my game and even a bit over-confident. Nothing too dick-heady though. I am generally a more laid back and quiet guy. We laughed a lot, talked about god knows what, riding the epic vibes of the streets. Of course, ''party animal'' suggested we should stop briefly in our favorite bar called "Deja-vu", to have a quick beer before the shrooms kicked in. The two us agreed, since the bar was on the middle of our way to the park. It's been now well over 30 minutes since I swallowed the shrooms and probably around a bit less than two hours since I took MDMA. Just a few steps before the bar, I started noticing some weird shit. And I mean like really weird. It was like I would get sucked out of my reality for a brief moment and then I would be thrown back into a slightly different version of it. It was like a series of super fast black-outs, with the exception that I would remain aware throughout this phenomena. I was fully aware of "reality" when I was in it as well as of the "void" or "nothingness" when I got sucked out. I saw clearly as I see my hands right now, exactly "how" I got detached from my environment. And it felt exactly like that. Like I detached myself. I saw my visual perception somehow curving at the corners and turning into a ball, before popping into nothingness right before "my eyes". This was happening extremely fast. So much so that I had no "time" to react to it when I was "in reality". Needless to say, I started resisting this A LOT and became extremely scared, paranoid and confused in an instance. I never expected neither this nor what was yet to come. Never in a million years. I wanted to gaze at the stars and have a pleasant trip. I was in for a rude awakening. Somehow, I managed to "slow" this phenomena of "disappearing-reappearing" down by resisting the shit out of it with every strength I had left. Thinking back, I should've just surrendered and collapsed right there, but my ego did not want to admit to itself that this "thing" was WAY stronger than it. So I dragged myself to the bar and somehow managed to sit down and order a beer. I kept telling myself this is just a temporary thing. I thought it will subside soon, I'll chill down a bit, have a beer and slowly continue walking towards the park. I don't know why, but it seemed to me at the time as if this park was our "safe space". Our home. Almost like heaven or something. All this time I mentioned nothing to my roommates. They seemed alright to me. Having fun and chatting. I wanted to act that way as well. I didn't want to allow myself to be "that guy" and cause drama or anything. My ego was fighting harder than ever to survive and stay present. It quickly became worse, as I wanted to stand up and go to the toilet. I collapsed down onto the table in front of us and knocked off a few bottles and glasses, embarrassing myself big time. It was as if my knees were failing to hold me. Even this I resisted and tried to get up on my feet and act cool as if nothing was going on. Of course I failed to do so and ended up falling repeatedly, several times until my roommates came to a quick conclusion that I was "loosing it". They helped me up and decided it's clearly best if the one that wasn't tripping on shrooms took me back to our apartment. "Party animal" would stay in Deja-vu to have fun with his other classmates and friends. And here's where the nightmare started to get real. It was not nearly done with me. It only got started. I went only downhill from this point on. And boy did I spiral down quickly and efficiently. I should mention, this "sober" roommate, who was about to drag me back home was a girl. And she's 4'9''. I'm 6'. Not the smartest idea. Nevertheless, she surely saved my ass. We slowly started walking back to the apartment, which should have been 6-7 minutes away. I had my one arm around her neck, as I was repeatedly loosing control over my body and kept falling down on my knees. Needless to say she was unable to hold my weight, so when I fell, I fell hard. Somehow though, she kept managing picking me up over and over again. On the middle of our way it just got straight bonkers. The reality bubble kept popping and reappearing fast and crazy, making no linear sense what-so-ever. At times we were on one side of the street, at times on the other. In no particular order. It was like I was jumping in between parallel realities. Crossing the main road was hell. I was completely convinced I'm going nuts at this point. It was then when I felt a big wave of anger and frustration rushing though me. I was SO frustrated with me being unable to stand on my own feet. Without any thinking I smashed my fist into a car that was parked right next to us. This scared the shit out of my roommate. I was also surprised, somewhere in the back of my mind. I never got aggressive before and I was proud of how "chill" I always stayed. At this point, my roommate concluded we're not going to make it to our apartment this way. She had an idea to drop me of at her friend's apartment and let me chill down there. It was literally a few feet ahead. She called him and asked him if he's okay with it, but sadly or gladly he wasn't home. He was also having fun somewhere else. So we sat on the streets for a while, she gathered a bit strength and picked me up again. We somehow made it to our apartment after god knows how long and had a scene waiting there for us. Right in front of our building, there was our other roommate, the "party animal". He was curled up with his eyes rolled back and had foam coming out of his mouth. Quite terrifying. To this day none of us knows how he managed to get to our apartment. Not only that, but he also managed somehow to completely avoid bumping into us on his way back. And that was nearly impossible. The only obstacle between me and my bed now were the 2 story stairs. My roommate picked me up once again and started dragging me up. There was no elevator, of course. I kept falling and hitting myself badly during our climb up, but nevertheless we made it. She did it. She delivered me to safety. She threw me onto my bed, turned off the light in the room (WHY?!) and left back down to try and help our "party animal". It was a few seconds after she left and I was left alone for the first time during that night, that I was about to face the absolute and loose all sense of self. I was about to die. And not the "nice" way. I remember getting out of my bed and just starting to scream in pain that was caused by the extreme level of my constant resistance. I started spinning around in my room, falling and hitting myself on every corner. I smashed a lot of objects and made a pretty big mess. It felt as if my reality was just one surface of a tiny little cube that is a part of an infinitely large, ever-changing Rubik's cube. I started experiencing my self as the whole room at this point. There was no "air" between me and the walls or anything else. There was no space in-between. I became everything and I experienced myself as everything. I moved as everything. I remember bursting into hysterical laughter just a split second before I smashed my leg into the table. It was as if I saw this would happen a brief moment before it actually happened. It was me becoming fully aware of the fact that I manifest everything into my reality in real time. Constantly. This realization led to tears of course and brought me down on my knees. I cant really tell why I was crying. But I was crying like never before. All the beauty and all the grotesque compressed down into a tiniest little dot. And this dot is all there is. It's all there ever was and ever will be. It is one. It is God. I am it. I "saw" and felt the presence of everyone I ever interacted with. As if they were in my room with me. And I mean EVERYONE. Even that random stranger that passed by me and never even looked into my eyes. Even the ants, even the birds, even the bacteria, even Buddha, even Jesus. They all were there with me. They all were me. I was all of these beings. I still am. The moment I'd start to try and embody this bliss I would become reminded instantly that I am also all of the things I was afraid of or was categorizing them as "bad" or "evil". I was the rapist. I was the pedophile. I was the serial killer. I was the politician. I was the Muslim terrorist cutting of a man's head with a kitchen knife. I was also all the other terrorists holding this man down. And of course I was also the man being decapitated. It was slow, messy and indescribably painful. I literally felt the knife cutting though my neck. I kid you not. I was also the guy jumping off a cliff into the water and smashing his skull open on a rock. Needless to say this was just WAY to much for my persona. I did not know what to do with this realization. It completely paralyzed me. Pain and suffering combined with bliss and infinity. My ego back-lashed every once in a while and when present, it was mostly convinced that it has lost his mind completely and gone insane. And I mean as insane as it gets. How could I ever function in this world after this? I was than sucked out my reality once again, merging with infinity. But this time it was very slow. My heart was going nuts, I was overwhelmed by the experience beyond any description. Until I literally heard my own heart go from very fast to very slow. I felt my pulse throughout my whole being. Even the room was synchronized with it. I slowly "ran out" of air, and my heart stopped beating completely. And there "I" was (wasn't). One with the endless nothingness. No thoughts, no emotions, nothing. Just pure awareness. And I was there forever. I still am, in a way. Explaining how I came back into existence is nearly impossible for me. Because it happened on a level way beyond my persona. But I can point to one word. INTENTION. And I mean the mother of all intentions. The strongest, most powerful, without-a-single-ounce-of-doubt-kind of intention. If I tried to explain how it is that I "came back", it was by the purest form of desire to be here and to continue this journey. And I am not being poetical. This is the most accurate description I can give. So I'm back in my room. At this point I can stand up and even walk without falling. I decide to casually go to the toilet and take a piss. I had little to no thoughts at all. I was calm. I was extremely present. I moved very slowly. I moved as I WAS every passing moment. I was no longer just "Ivan". I was God and it was so obvious to me now. The only thing I was not sure about was where was I exactly. Sure the apartment looked exactly the same as always, but I had this strange feeling as if I was experiencing the "afterlife". A though ran through my head: "This must be how it is. When you die, nothing changes. Everything stays the same. Yet that is heaven. There's no golden gate somewhere in the clouds. It's this. Heaven is right here!" Just a few brief moments after having this thought I heard a loud knock on the door. It was still not done with me. I was about to face more core fears and come to a realization that hell is also here. Always. I looked through the peephole and saw two officers standing in front of the door. I stayed calm, didn't panic at all. To me it felt like these two cops were the first two angels who came to welcome me in heaven (lol). Later I was told the neighbors called them because they heard me screaming and having a break-down. So this is kind of where my trip slowly but surely headed towards the hospital. Was I resisting it? You bet I did. I did a lot. But not yet. I was still blissful at the moment I opened the door. This was the first time, after what seemed like an infinity to me, that I opened my mouth and started talking to someone. I immediately became aware that I was somehow unable to tell a lie. Literally. I couldn't lie if my life depended on it. Every word flew right through me without any "approval" on my behalf. Ivan was not involved in this conversation at all. It was God speaking to God. How could it not be flawless then? I felt exactly like Leo stated in his live enlightenment video: "Every word is perfectly inevitable." Exactly everything that should have been said has been said. Everything that should have been done has been done. Effortlessly so. Without me having to do or say anything about it. The cops were calm, they were probably used to these kinds of events. After all, Caldas is a city of students. They asked me what kinds of drugs I was on. I instantly replied "mushrooms". They asked me what am I doing here and if I was a student. I replied "no" and stated that I was a traveling musician, and I came to Caldas to live here temporarily and work on my album. And as soon as I mentioned music I broke into tears once again. I was crying out loud, saying how music was everything to me, how I love it more than I love myself and how I just want to create, express and share every bit of it. This quickly became a bit too much for the cops and they decided to grab me by my arms and "take me away". Oh boy. I fucking lost it at this point. The heaven I believed I was experiencing quickly crumbled down to pieces and I once again entered full on resistance mode. The cops were not happy about it. I somehow managed to free myself out of their grip. The animal in me came forth. I felt like a fucking beast. Powerful and unstoppable. And I was fighting for my survival, again. They somehow left me be and I ended up backing into the corner of the hallway where I curled up in a ball and started mumbling something. I remember repeating that I was dead, that they need to contact my mother back in Slovenia, I even told them the exact address, name and phone number of my mother. In fact, I kept repeating those. I was not nearly as articulated and fluent as just minutes before. I struggled to breathe, I was swallowing words and my heart was pumping like crazy. They tried to calm me down and kept repeating: "help is on the way". I just kept mumbling. After a few minutes I noticed four more officers walking up the stairs and what appeared to be a few male nurses. I FUCKING FLEW up the stairs instantly. Getting away from everyone and reaching the top of the building. This felt to me like it happened in a split second. And it was three stories above our apartment. On the top there was kind of like a balcony within the building, overlooking the stairs. As soon as everyone got up and tried to approach me I moved towards the edge of this balcony and yelled on the top of my lungs: "I AM GOD! I CANNOT DIE! THIS IS ALL A GAME! THERE IS NO DEATH! I AM GOD!". I threatened to jump and prove to everyone that I cannot die. I saw on everyone's face they came to a conclusion that this has gone way out of control. They needed to capture me or else it wasn't going to be pretty. They tried to act even more calmly, saying to me that everything is going to be OK, as they slowly kept approaching me. Seeing them acting calm and kind calmed me down enough that they came close enough and jumped right on me. It felt like it was all of them, but it was probably three or four cops. They had one of those portable medical beds with them and they immediately started tying me down to it. I was raging. It literally felt like I was a psycho being dragged to the insane asylum. Our way down was taking forever. Those stairs kept going and going. I felt like I lived throughout numerous lifetimes before we reached the bottom of the building. I had tons of thoughts, raging emotions, visions and even realizations during the descend. As we exited the building, there was a scene out of a crime movie laid before me. Two police cars, the hospital van, neighbors watching and wondering what the hell is going on and finally my two roommates on the left side of the building. "Party animal" was still in the exact same pose and condition as I saw him before entering the building earlier. He was now surrounded by officers and nurses as well. The other roommate was crying hysterically right next to him. I remember shouting out to her, asking for her help, as if she could explain everything to everyone and save my life, my sanity. There was no response from her. She never even looked at me once. I instantly took this as a sign and confirmation that I indeed went way too far and lost my mind completely. They imported me into the medical van where I remained alone with two male nurses who were watching over me. I immediately received a shot of something into my arm. I assume it was a sedative. I was not resisting anymore that much at this point, but I started noticing the weirdest sensation in my body. Mostly in my arms. It was as if some "cubes" were constantly turning and rearranging within me. As if I was made out of these tiny cubes. It was an incredibly cold and machine-like feeling. Scared the crap out of me. It was then that I started questioning free will. Everything felt cold and automatic to me. Like this whole thing is a machine. A precisely built simulation. Merely ones and zeros in a specific order. It was just so damn cold and "heartless". I remember mumbling to myself as we were driving: "I will wake up and I will tell nobody about this. I will wake up and I will tell nobody about this." As if this information was not supposed to be shared. I felt like I was going to be punished If I ever tell anyone about these insights. Or instantly classified as a nut-case. I was terrified. Another HUGE mind-fuck to me was when I focused on what the nurses were talking about. I swear to God they were speaking in my native language; Serbian. I understood every word. And I KNOW there is absolutely no way these people were Serbian. I also understood no Portuguese. Like, at all. So I have no clue how I was able to understand these people. And not only that, but also how my mind translated their conversation into Serbian. Just weird. We finally arrived after a long ride. I was at the hospital. Except that I did not know that at the time. To me it felt like they were taking me to their mothership to take me apart and figure out why this malfunction has occurred. Whatever was going through my mind, somehow became experiential for me in some way or fashion. My mind was constantly looking for confirmations in my reality. And it kept coming up with explanations for what was happening. It felt like my mind was a computer on fire operating way to rapidly and being extremely close to reaching "fatal error". (lol) They then delivered me into a room inside of the hospital, where more nurses/doctors waited for us. They transferred me from the portable bed to a regular one. Tied me down again. I was calm at this point and did not resist the process. I remember looking up and seeing a room full of cops and nurses. The cops probably followed us in and stayed for a while, just in case if I decided go "beast mode" again (lol). As I turned my head to my right, I saw a guy tied down to the bed next to me. Face down, lying on his stomach. Who was it? "Party animal", of course. This filled me with anger and rage again. I couldn't do anything, being tied down, but I sure gave my everything into trying to free myself. I am not sure why seeing my roomette got me so aggressive, but I assume it was because I felt incredibly guilty for the situation I brought upon us. Remember, I still was not thinking this was just a hospital. To me it was completely alien-like. My roommate was unconscious and still had some foam around his mouth. Maybe I though he was dead. I don't know... In my rage I started screaming for and demanding a nurse called "Maria" to come and see me. As if she was on my side. As if she was some kind of an angel that could save me, nurture me. Indeed a nurse came and stood by the left side of my head. I doubt her name was Maria, but she was willing to play along in order to calm me down. And down I calmed. She talked softly to me and told me she was going to give me something that will help me. I received another shot in my arm. I slowly surrendered my self to these "aliens" and gave up fighting for my life. I blacked out a few times and started loosing track of everything. This time I was not aware of the nothingness when I was in it. It was just nothing. A hole in memory. I remember being in the hallway for some time, still tied to the bed. My roommate was also there. Then I was moved to another, smaller room where two nurses watched over me. At times when I was present, I was slowly able to come to the realization that this in fact was just a regular hospital. Somewhere in the middle of Portugal. And that this was indeed "just a trip gone wrong". I half-consciously, slowly started putting back the shattered pieces of my reality. I was still feeling the little cubes turning inside of me and it was very unpleasant and annoying. I guess that was the last thing I wasn't able to explain away. I even remember asking the two nurses if this sensation was "normal" during mushroom trips/overdose. They laughed at me. I was mostly "back" at this point. I remained tied to the bed 'till 8 in the morning, until I finally convinced the nurses that I am fine and sober and that I will behave. As soon as they released my arms and legs I started walking towards the hallway, where I last saw my roommate. And there he was. Still tied down, still sleeping. As I approached him and started softly calling his name, he started waking up. A few moments of confusion followed by a smile on his face. He was alright and fully "back" as well. We just laughed silently at each other and exchanged a few brief words, both still in total disbelief about what just happened. There was no way that we could've fully grasped what went down. It felt like we came out of a decade long war. And we survived. That was our victory. Soon I asked for my personal belongings and for a permission to head out for a quick cigarette. They hesitated, but did not seem way to concerned with me. So I went and did not come back. "Party animal" remained on his bed in the hallway. He stayed in throughout the day and went under numerous examinations. As I was leaving the hospital behind, I remember being grateful for my life. Grateful for the opportunity to continue this journey. A rush of love and unity blasted through my being. But it wasn't overwhelming or anything. It was just the right amount. I was avoiding thoughts about "me" being God and every other that pointed in that direction. I needed a break. I wanted to be just human. Just Ivan. At least until I recover. As I was walking back to our apartment everything still looked extremely dreamy. It felt very lucid. Like my barriers between the "waking life" and "dreams" have been destroyed. It was one and the same now. I called a girl I was in love with, and still am. She was back at Slovenia at this time. I told her briefly about everything that went down and we both laughed out hard. It was exactly what I needed to ground me a bit more into my human form. After a long, sobering walk back to the apartment, I found the "hero of the night", my other roommate in her room. I immediately started apologizing to her and also expressing my gratitude for dragging me home and not leaving me on the streets by myself. That could have been a much worse scenario. She was kinda angry with me and also just tired due to the whole circus that went down. She barely slept and spent the night worrying about the two of her idiot roommates. After this event I spent most of my time indoors, thinking about what has happened, trying to express it through art and just gaining some sort of comfort by watching spiritually-themed Youtube videos and reading articles/forums on those topics. Of course the rumors spread, as I said, Caldas is a very small town. Everyone knew that I had a break-down. And no-one really cared about the profundity of my experience. It was almost as if everyone was scared of me and suspiciously careful with me. Soon after the arrival of my girlfriend, we decided to move on and started a slow journey across the south of Spain, heading towards Morocco, mostly by taking buses, hitchhiking and simply walking. Needless to say, I am still integrating the lessons of that night. I dived deep into consciousness work and went through a two year long period of the "dark night". Facing all the fears and limitations I was presented with during my trip. And many more, of course. I tripped a few more times on LSD and once on shrooms after that particular experience, but I did so a lot more responsibly. My girlfriend and me only, indoors in a pleasant and safe environment. With proper caution and preparation. Emphasizing my state of being prior to taking anything. Meditating and surrendering to the present moment. So what did I learn? Where am I now after two years? I am still on the never-ending journey. I opened myself up as much as I could to infinity, to God. I am able to embody my higher self a lot easier and more frequently. I am also able to do so while not creating art. I could be just simply cleaning the dishes and I'd be doing it as God. As all that is. I am aware most of my "waking hours" that this is a dream. And that this character named Ivan is a necessary part of it. I don't feel separate anymore. I "got rid" of most of the programming from my childhood and teen years. I am able to be here and now and have no need for anything else. I am able to simply admire the perfection in every moment. My musical skills went through a massive upgrade and I even discovered new, smaller passions that I had. I embraced the rational, logical and analytical part of my mind. I resisted this for a long time. I was always an abstract, creative thinker. I also came to have a dream-like relationship with my beloved one. Our communication is nearly flawless, often telepathic and highly synchronized. I still get mad, frustrated, sad or bored at times. I still go "sleep mode" here and there. But it never lasts long. And I never "walk away" without learning the lesson. When I go to sleep at night I am ready to merge with nothingness again. I am peaceful. I am at ease. Because I know that this is just a game, just a dream. And I am that dream. I am the container for everything that is. Forever. As you are too. So there you go. That's my incredibly irresponsible yet profound trip report. I hope I did not make it too long and I won't "scare away" potential readers Feel free to leave a comment, share your opinion or just ask me anything you feel like asking. Stay awesome! Much love and respect.

Like someone else said, congratulations and my condolences. This started for me just over a year ago. I had no prior knowledge of kundalini, but I feel like I've had a pretty smooth ride compared to a lot of people. Most days, I take some time to let the energy run through me. The first months, it would be really intense and last for hours, now it's a lot calmer and doesn't last as long. It got a lot easier when I realized at a) it calms down faster if I not only let it happen, but pay attention to the kriyas, and b) I can talk to the energy and ask it to back off or invite it to move. Since I was initially very freaked out and realized I was resisting, I also made a point of thanking my favorite deity each time I had kriyas or anything else that made me uncomfortable, which made it easier for me. I know some people feel better on a vegan diet, but I still eat meat. I don't really want to switch to less filling foods since kundalini has made me so hungry 24/7. I tried abstaining from alcohol for like 4 months, but didn't notice any difference. I'd advise against smoking or eating pot though, as an edible gave me one of the worst experiences of my life. Ofc, YMMV. In general - shit will come up. It will suck. It will pass. Sometimes you get random feelings of bliss, love etc. Try not to be attached to either. I know it's easy to feel very alone in this process, so if you need someone to talk to, shoot me a message!

Really loved this text Betinho Massaro wrote in one of his instagram posts **Loneliness As A Path To God** Do not underestimate the magnetic power of loneliness. There is a reason many people feel weirdly comfortable in it. It is a direct gateway into liberation. Let me clarify: Loneliness is the vision of God, filtered through a lack-belief coming from the idea of ourselves as a person, a body, inside of a world. The first stage is generally Loneliness - or the experience of being a person without God or holy company. Once we stop running away from our loneliness and instead decide to meet it directly with an open presence, we transmute loneliness into Aloneness—which is the person meeting God within. When we fall in love with Aloneness and begin to really appreciate the vast and endless stillness we find there, Aloneness turns into All Oneness—which is God without the heavy filter of thinking of ourselves as a body and a person inside of a world. It is sheer and formless freedom. All-pervading and unlimited bliss. In this way, when we start looking directly at loneliness instead of trying to fill it up with new content every day as a way not to have to feel it directly, we begin the transmutation process of turning Loneliness into All Oneness. In summary: The Pain Stage: Loneliness — the person sense without God. The Love Stage: Aloneness — the person sense meeting with God’s Presence within. The Liberation Stage: All Oneness — God without the person sense. . ——> From this moment onwards you will never be afraid of loneliness again. Instead you’ll meet it with excitement, knowing the alchemical process of turning perceived pain into love, and finally transmuting love into liberation, has now begun for you. Loneliness will never be the same again. Just like that.

Hi everyone, I've recently read the Power of Now and been watching numerous ET videos on YouTube. I have to say, I am now in a worse position that I have ever been in my entire life. To the point where I am seriously considering the prospect of suicide or admitting myself to a psychiatric hospital if I can. I just want to say a few things about ET first. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be thoughtless (which you will say is my ego). I am not anti Tolle as a person. I don't think he's someone who is doing it all for the money. I don't think he is trying to deceive people. I think he is genuine enough. But I also think what he says can be very, very dangerous. I started reading the PON as I thought it would be a book about how to be a better person. My dad had told me that it had helped him to stop ruminating so much about different things, something with which I've struggled with from time to time. Indeed, I used the approach from him explaining it to me a few times when I was in stressful situations and it helped calm me down. Out of curiosity, I thought I'd get stuck in to the read of what Tolle teaches. The dissolution of the ego. Or more plainly, the dissolution of the thinking part of our brains. People can say what they like here, about how Tolle words what he is teaching in his books. However, ultimately, what he is teaching is a form of nihilism. It really is. And what's more, he is right. Essentially, nothing matters. Suffering and pain aren't real emotions. That is what he is saying. If someone is done a perceived injustice (that we have socially constructed as an injustice), such as someone has physically harmed them, or their families, they have no reason to feel aggrieved or even have a negative emotion. If someone comes into my house now and chops my arms and legs off, Tolle would say accept it, live in the now and you won't suffer. If I suffer, it is my ego. Thinking logically, this is true. I would have a choice whether to suffer. What does it matter if I have arms or legs? Emotions are not real. Nothing is real. Everything is a thought, which isn't a thing. Our thoughts are conditioned because of hundreds of years worth of social constructs. Essentially, anything goes. We needn't feel bad for any behaviour, because whatever we do, essentially is neither right or wrong. There is no adjudicator. Even in the sense that you think you love someone. You don't. How mind blowing is that? I saw a video with Tolle (before he was with Kim), and he said that relationships should be avoided. They are social constructs, again. Love, as much as suffering and pain, isn't real. I thought I loved a girl. I would have jumped in front of a gun for her. But love isn't real. You don't love anyone. Because if you are in the now, which is your true self, you have no thoughts. To love something, you need to have thoughts. It cannot work. Therefore, love is based on a thought, that essentially is ego, which is not you. Nothing matters. Everything is a construct. Tolle says he enjoys spending time in nature, which he sees as beautiful. But isn't the idea of nature being beautiful a social construct too? Who says it is? Why do we think anything is interesting or beautiful? That is a thought, which isn't you. Why do you get out of bed and go to work? Why do you study? Why do you watch TV? Why do you socialise, when your friends are doubtlessly ran by their egos, which isn't them? As such, your friends are illusions. They are not real. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. This is EXACTLY what Tolle is getting at but he might not have worded it as such. Yes, I could live in the 'now'. But how do I function if I have no thoughts? I would urinate and defecate in this exact spot which I am laid. How do I chose what to eat with no thoughts? Tolle's answer for everything is to be in the now. The now cannot be bettered. Nothing compares to the bliss of the now, because if you are not thinking. Of course the now will be a type of bliss, as there are no thoughts. I saw him on Oprah's show on YouTube and they was talking about people grieving. He didn't word it as such, but what he was saying was people are grieving over nothing and they choose to suffering. Do not grieve over your loved ones when they pass, because they, for one thing, they are illusions, two you cannot love them, and three there's nothing you can do to bring them back. It makes absolute sense. So cutting to the chase, why am I here when I could accept the now and none of this would matter? I should be content with just existing. Because I can't yet cease thinking entirely. And more specifically, I don't know if I want to (you will say, ah this is your ego). So I can't win. I am in a state of perpetual suffering as a result. Trying to achieve something that ultimately, you can't and trying to avoid going back to a world of illusions that I now find incredibly scary. My friends are not real, the love I feel for people is not real, everything is an illusion. And I know every single one of you Tolle fans on here know that I am speaking the truth. Tolle cannot write it like this in his books, as it would never be published. My world has come crashing down. I LOVED my life. I was content. I FELT things. Happiness, sadness, euphoria, excitement, nervousness, heartache. But these emotions are just illusions, mere thoughts that aren't real. I now have no desire to anything. See friends? No, they're illusions. See family? No, they're illusions. Go to work? No what's the point, it's an illusion and creates a false identity. If you are a Tolle follower, why do you do anything? The last vestiges of my thinking mind realise that I have two basic functions. To survive and to procreate. These are biologically preprogrammed. These are the only things that are 'real' to me. So, while I want to die (this is a genuine thought, as nothing matters. Indeed, having spoken to a number of enlightened folk online over the past few days, they have agreed that it doesn't matter if I live or die. If I want to die, then die. My family and friends will suffer, but as we know, that suffering isn't really who they are. The real 'them' would not care, as those emotions are born out of the ego). What do I do? I am stuck. I anticipate many of you will just say accept and submit to the now. My point is, I don't see how this truth (it is the truth, you can deny it as much as you like, but this absolutely what Tolle and others with similar messages are getting at in a round about way). can lead anyone to a state of happiness of euphoria, as these aren't real either. Ulimately, a tiny bit of my disgusting egoic brain tells me that perhaps it is better to leave people in their unconscious lives of ignorance. It is all an illusion, sure. But they don't know that. It's that or nothingness. How can't this truth, ultimately, lead to people just dying? And again, what would that matter? It wouldn't.

Can anyone even explain to me how they navigate their day to day lives? Why do you go to work? Why do you visit your family or pretend you love them? As we know, emotions are not real! Do you engage in any activities you find pleasurable? Do you study? If you do, why? I study an MA, but I don't see the point now. I study international relations. I wanted to try and work myself into a position where I could influence conflicts in the world. Perhaps stop them, to end what I saw as injustice and suffering. But who actually says that killing is bad? Isn't it their choice to suffer? I saw Tolle speak about the Syrian crisis. He seemed a little concerned, but I think he knows that it is their choice to suffer. They can enjoy the bliss of now. I'm being deadly serious here, too.

Watch Leo's videos which are along the lines of "3 levels of personal development" and "setting up your infrastructure for personal development" Essentially all your personal development will focus on your inner game. By fixing the inner game, the outer game "fixes". HOWEVER, until you become advanced at inner game, you cannot appreciate how fixing inner game will fix your outer game. Hence you feel this way: Here is an example: An enlightened master (we can say mastered inner game) can go and live in a cave and be in bliss and ecstasy (outer game is fixed). A person with an underdeveloped inner game will go around trying to fix outer game facets but will deep down be unhappy and unfulfilled. I.e. a person with underdeveloped inner game will go crazy living in a cave. How do you get around this? Your focus on outer game should be to the extent that it enables you to focus on inner game. -Remove addictions (outer) so you aren't always distracted and can focus on inner work. -Sort out your relationships (i.e. intimate partner) so you aren't needy so that you can focus on inner game without distractions. -Sort yourself out financially so that you have an hour or two to do inner work and aren't worried about how you will pay the bills. -Develop an infrastructure that minimises distractions from inner work (this usually involves minimalism/spartan lifestyle). -etc. etc. etc. Once you do enough inner work you will realize that inner and outer doesn't really matter. It's all one, and they feed into each other. You could say everything become inner work because the outer work is also inner work. You can use Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a guide. The trap is getting stuck in outer game and neglecting the inner game. Focusing on the inner game and neglecting outer game can fix the outer game, BUT, paradoxically, you may need to fix the outer game to realise this.

@Amun There is no way back though. My old life is an illusion. Every time I woke up last night, I felt sick. Nothing is real. @Serotoninluv I don't think it is evil. I think it is what it is. Ultimately, it is the truth. What/who is my true self? As I understand it, it is my body but with a mind that produces no thoughts. None. Akin to a vegetable if you like. With only 2 primary inbuilt desires. 1, to eat. 2, to procreate. No opinions on anything, no labels for anything, no emotions, nothing. I might identify with these thoughts, but aren't they the truth? In the same way that you believe you understand the truth. But then again, they are thoughts, so they aren't you, are they? For all of us to be our true selves, we wouldn't be writing on here. So nobody can claim to be at one with their true selves. If I'm to meditate and label a thought as a 'thought', isn't that 1, thinking, and 2, labelling something? @pointessa I know that movies are not real. But we are entertained by them. But now it is more than they are not real. If I watch an actor in a movie, I just think, he is not real. He is an illusion. He is ruled by thoughts, which are not him, so it isn't real. I went to Disneyland when I was a child. I loved it. Same as I loved all sorts of things. Going to football matches, watching football, playing guitar, socialising with friends, listening to music. Christmas has just gone, and it was so nice to get just sit back and enjoy the ambient lighting, a few drinks with loved ones and do whatever we liked for a change. But it was all an illusion. That warm feeling I got on Christmas day will never return. I'm not and never have been that interested in presents by the way. I'm not materialistic. I'm especially not now. But also, the warm feeling I got when I got a text message from a girl I thought I loved. The warm feeling when I would spend time with my parents after not seeing them for a while. I will never experience that again, will I? Because I know now it is not real and not me. So even if it comes along, I will recognise it, and label it as fake. They say that ignorance is bliss. And I think I agree. Everyone else in the world is living in a fantasy land. But you know what, it works for them, doesn't it? They have a life. Ups and downs. Some strive for perfection, others don't. They have families. They live, laugh, love, lose and cry. They enjoy things. They hate things. The experience the world. They experience their thoughts, their own very chemistry. I'd love to go back to that world. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't real, but I didn't know that. But now I can't whether I like it or not. I watched Leo's video that is posted above. He says this might not be the time for pursuing enlightenment. But what he doesn't appreciate that, once you have glimsed the truth, there is no going back, ever. And if you are not in a position to pursue it fully, which is to become a thoughtless being content with being fed, which is the ultimate state, then you will never get there. You are left in limbo, which is the worst position ever. One route out for me.

Yes, that is what i was trying to say. When i read the terms subconcious or dreams i always got the impression, that this person sees dreams as a second level reality, which is more unreal than the waking state or something. But the opposite is the case. Dreams are pointers to the fact that there are no boundaries in reality and that every reality is inhabited by living beings. It's the least I can hope for. The best of all three states (waking, dreaming and deep sleep) combined into a single state. Best of waking: Ultragigamega HD Resolution. Best of dreaming: Everything can be dreamed. Possibilities and fun are endless. Best of deep sleep: infinite Bliss

Bliss (1/3/2019) No excuses and no regrets Efortless life, as good as it gets Making mistakes every minute, every hour Sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, salty and sour Life has flavors, I'm content and glad Not caring much about who is and who isn't mad Dreams become reality, reality is a dream Nothing anymore is what it would seem Lost in the context, lost between words Monkey mind no more, nothing really hurts.