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I was watching one of Leo's videos, specifically on society accepting psychedelics and something dawned on me. Let me preface this that a few weeks ago i experienced enlightment and a non-dual mystical experience the likes of which I have never ever before experienced. Everything I believed as materialist changed in an instant. The whole experience lasted a week, and got so deep that i understood everything about the universe, a complete understanding as Leo has described in his experience with absolute infinity. But then, it REALLY sunk in - it became all too real - and I hit my knees as I truly understood what Leo meant by the question - can you stomach the truth? I was of course looking at just one side of the coin - the nothingness side of the coin - but it still hit me hard that we were in a dream and of no physical substance. After that I experienced Ego backlash the likes of which was off the charts. I have continued to meditate but i have not been able to achieve the same types of experiences, although with music i can achieve very brief mystical experiences. I believe my ego could not stomach it, and completely shut it down. So this my friends is the ultimate question. Even if we legalize pyschedelics and everyone becomes enlightened - will they be able to stomach the truth? Could it be that that's why this hasn't become the mainstream yet, and could it be possible that it might never? That society will try to cover this up for thousands of years to come? Leo specifically mentioned that there are negative aspects to pyschedelics as you go deep inside yourself, and you have to be mentally prepared for it. Some even might not be able to stomach it at all and could potentially take their lives. So as wonderful as the truth is, and I agree with leo that we need to know the truth so that we can self-actualize and continue our consciousness work for the remainder of our lives and separate ourselves from our ego until our ego is basically locked up in a small prison cell until our death. This may have been what was supposed to be the destiny of mankind, but if you notice even in Leo's videos of late he is starting to realize the "realness" of the whole thing and part of it can be hard to handle. So my question is, can mankind really stomach the truth? Many I believe can, but many i believe cannot and will not. Even if everyone becomes enlightened, once they become deep enough enlightened when the real truth actually sinks in it may be so hard to stomach that their ego will completely shut it down, preferring to live in a false reality over the truth of reality. That, friends, is the ultimate question.

First of all, I will describe the experience so that we are on the same page about what we are talking about. The experience tends to go generally along the lines of this: 1. through yoga, or meditation, the mind becomes reasonably still. There are still thoughts, but the mind is so still that the body feels like it isnt being controlled by anything. The ego still exists but its not the focus or in control of anything. I like the analogy I heard for this feeling: "its like your supported by steel at either ends of your consciousness". 2. The world seems like its fading away. I don't know how to describe this. Its like going to sleep, except you're wide awake. Also you don't feel tired. Maybe you could say its like you're entering a void? Literal nothingness? 3. The scary part. In yoga at least (not sure about self inquiry because I haven't had this experience through any other way except kundalini type practices) this is where you feel heaps of energy permeating your body. The energy feels like a more strong, intense version of 'a chill up your spine'. Again I don't know how to describe this feeling. When you go to the gym sometimes you can feel it. Its similar to that energetic burning sensation. 4. If you keep going with the 'world is fading away' step, using the energy to explode the world, it feels like you could die. Like literally, forever. None of this you will come back crap. Maybe I'm wrong and my ego is just over reacting, but it certainly feels extremely scary. First of all the lost control over your body means you can't stop it after a certain point, and your heart tends to rise to levels that could kill you, if I'm not over reacting. Has anyone ever exceeded through step 4? How did you make sure that you didn't get hurt? What was the circumstances that led you there? Would you recommend people to exceed past step 4? I've never tried psychedelics, but would be super interested if someone out there has had this experience using a psychedelic like lsd or something.

Almost a month ago I've had the Most Important Experience in my life, and here I want to put it all out because I want to be of service to those brave hearts, who entered this interesting and scary path of Truth, share some wisdom from Martin Ball and also I need your opinions and perspectives on what has happened and what it was about. First, I will show the table of contents, so you understand what will be discussed: Story itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa The most beautiful people I've ever met Kambo Octavio Rettig - the bravest warrior First session - Screaming Baby (With M.Ball comment) Second Session - Am I Dead? Third Session - Birth of The Men (With M.Ball comment) After-effects Ego strikes back (With M.Ball comment) There is so much work to do Ending Questions Story Itself Who is Arsen and how he gets in Okay, so I'm 23 y.o. and I'm from Russia, Saint-Petersburg About 4 years ago I was lucky enough to know about the Leo's channel while searching in the Internet on "how to deal with depression". I was at my first course of getting a degree and life seemed very boring, very stupid and did not make any sense, so I've started to learn about life, going to psychotherapist, reading books and watching Actualized.org videos and meditating. Years go by, I've improved myself and my despair turns into Curiosity. I was learning more about meditation, enlightenment, have some profound but stupid experience with Nbome (high harm potential), than I was on the Ayahuasca retreat and keep contemplating more about Nature of Reality and working with purification of self from traumas. Because of my ADHD (in Russia doctors know about it even less than an average American) it's hard for me to keep on long run for achieving something, so thats why when I've heard about 5-meo-dmt I become very intrested in working with it - I'm ready to do the steps which are better despite the fact that they are harder. In 2017 Leo leaked on the Blog information about Bufo Alvarius retreat in Barcelona. When I wrote to organisator there already was no room for participation. So the next year, when letter was dropped to my inbox I was excited so much, so I booked a place for myself immediately. I was very determined to go there and my goals were - 1) To realize the True Nature of Everything by my own experience 2) To connect more with my heart, which was really numb. Barcelona - Me Casa Es Su Casa For those, who are really interested in participation I want to share some information about environment and atmosphere around the place. The cost of the whole retreat was 550 euro, in that price was included: accommodation in the villa from 12th to 16th of July, three meals a day, Kambo ceremony, smoking toad venom with Octavio Rettig (I've made it 3 times). Villa was located in the Catalonian hills near little town, it's specifically prepared for events like Ayahuasca ceremony, San-Pedro etc. There is no houses around, so nobody can interrupt by accident. The house was big and very cozy, if you are alone you'll live in the common room for other men/women. But there was also a space for couples. Food was simple but very good (and Spanish). Environment was perfect - crickets made their natural trance music all the time, trees and mountains on the horizon was as beautiful as the night sky full of stars which you will never be able to see in a big city. The most beautiful people I've ever met The atmosphere was very cozy, the owners of villa - old spanish couple, which were very very kind and funny (they were hippies in the past). There was 30 people who was participating in the retreat (about 50% women, 50% men) and you can't even imagine how deep I was fulfilled because of the reason that I can have a real-life conversations about life/death/purpose/enlightenment/psychedelics etc. Those were the bravest and the most open people I've met in my life and the whole retreat was bounded with love and compassion to each other. Of course it was possible also because of the atmosphere of retreat and maybe if we've met in the metro or bank queue I'd never feel anything like this. But thats why setting is very important and there it was very good. I've met about 4 or 5 people who was watching Actualized.org - and those were the youngest ones). I've met a 21 girl from Europe, who already has had an experience with Bufo in the last year and after that she was going non-dual from time to time. Also I've met a guy from British Islands who has got his Life Purpose course done and his experience with 5-meo was very very profound, he has done a great job and it was very satisfying to see that we are not just mental masturabators, who pretend that they are Spiritual or Developed, but really are brave young human beings who are ready to do hard and scary work to become better and know what the fuck this strange Reality is! Kambo For me it wasn't feeling very profound. I was doing it for the first time, so it was a little dosage of frog nectar for me. So, I've made a half bucket of my own vomit, let a lot of my shit on the toilet (this one about holding emotions inside). When you do Kambo ceremony the next day is the day, when you feel lighter, more energetic and free. But for me it was very hard to recognize is it working or not. I have hard times feeling my body and sensations which occur (I'm very "in mind" person) and also I was so happy for an opportunity to communicate with so much interesting people, so it felt like even without any medicine I would feel myself very energetic and happy!) Octavio Rettig - the bravest Warrior Oh, this one is huge, so I don't even want to go deep. I'll be short: this men touched the darkest bottom of his Ego while have been addicted to crack-cocaine in Mexico and from skinny half-dead junky he turned himself to be the most authentic, inspiring and selfless human being I've ever seen. I recommend you to read his book "The Toad of Dawn" and learn more about him and his work. But you'd better be prepared - he won't crouch with your Ego and expectations about reality and how something should be. If you had a cocaine addiction and came to him for cure, it's not necessary that he will be kind with your Ego. He will be as it is required, because he knows very very well in what kind of shit hole you are. For me personally Octavio is a hero and an example of Man, who is not domesticated by collective Ego. It does not mean that he is cruel or harsh, quite the opposite. It feels like Universe is going through him without any filters and for those, who are used to politically correct media entertainment he can be shocking a little, so you better prepare yourself. P.s. Dr. Rettig has more than 8000 ceremonies in his practice, but It is true, that he has lethal cases in his experience: 3 people died while participating in the ceremony. 2 old men by some heart issue and one 26 years old women, whose cause of death is unknown to me. For 8000 - 3 people is a very little statistic, I guess more people die from skiing. So if you decide to participate you better know your health situation and know, that is not a fucking joke. Go see some videos about him and his work: VICE Documentary about Bufo Alvarius First Session - Screaming Baby After the first breath, I remember just how much everything was before my eyes turned into a bunch of "pixels" that broke visible reality into thousands of energy circles. My whole body began to dissolve in infinity. There was only breathing and singing Octavio. The energy was very very overwhelming for this unprepared mind and body I remember how I was found myself lying down and screaming as loudly as it was possible. As I unwillingly shouted and tore the grass under my hands, and Octavio sang next to me and seemed to help me. My scream reminded me of myself. When I came back conscious, I laid on my back and sat on me, speaking English: "Welcome brother, welcome." I looked at him and my heart was full of self-pity, I felt tears in my eyes and took his hand. People gathered around me because of my scream, I looked around trying to understand what exactly happened. Octavio gathered people into a common circle and began to say gratitude to the earth, God and sun, and then to sing and jump. I looked around and tried to understand what had happened. My knees shook and tears streamed down my cheeks. P.s. When I come back to Russia I had questions which I've asked Martin Ball about some issues and reactions which had happened with me. Here are some of his answers on my screaming: Second Session - Am I Dead? Surprisingly, almost all the times when I came to my senses after trips I felt the need to attract attention and hoped that something extraordinary had happened to me. This is some strange game of the Ego, which I still do not understand. I completely do not remember what happened during the trip, but I remember when I started coming back, that the atmosphere around me seemed very restless. I had false memories of Octavio hanging over me with a worried look, I heard someone beside him nauseating and vomiting, Octavio spoke Spanish, and I thought he was worried. In the window the organizer was talking to someone on the street. It seemed to me that everything went downhill. It seemed that I was dead and that's why people around are worried. I could not believe it, but at the same time I felt embarrassed and regretted that it happened. "Did I really die? That sucks." I tried to get up from the grass and see if my body remains on the ground. Fortunately, everything was in order. A beautiful girl (assistant) came up to me and I told her that I was worried and thought that I was dead. She said that I lay still and looked peaceful. It turned out that in reality nothing extraordinary happened or disturbed. It just "seemed" like that for me. Later, when I approached Octavio and said "I thought I was dead," he said "Next time we'll kill you for sure". Third Session - Birth Of The Man For the third time, I inhaled the smoke of the substance and held it in my lungs. I looked straight ahead and tried to keep awareness. The grass, the horizon in front of me and the celestial vault again turned into "pixels." I can not track the time between when I was "cut down". But the video shows that I started screaming and rolling on the ground even more intensively than in the previous times. I grabbed my face and cried with all my might, it seemed to me that it was necessary to shout. It was so intense that at some point it seemed to me that from crying my head would burst in two, starting from the mouth. Several people took my hands and feet to move away from people who were sitting in the shade. Then, as the video shows, I was blown into the nose of "Rapé", first into one nostril, then to the other. I paused and in half a minute Octavio pulled me up so that I would rise to my feet. I stood opposite to him and held my hands to his shoulders. After a few seconds I began to make growling sounds and said, looking into his eyes: "You fucking made it!", And then "You are warrior!" And grabbed him by the hair. Octavio shouted and asked me to let go, but I did not. Several men came to the rescue. Octavio got out of my grip, and I teased and rambled incoherently. When Rodrigo helped Octavio break free from my hands, I turned my attention to him and began to tell him "I love you so much", "Let me kiss you!", "Do you find me sexy?". When I said these phrases I feel a sense of playfulness and insane self-confidence, as well as satisfaction. It was not a flirtation (I guess), it was a celebration of life in a healthy male young body. I was happy and showed everyone around that I'm alive and free, I love myself, life and the whole world! Then I, enjoying the feeling of free energy and excitement and ecstasy from life, began to say "I love myself!" "I'm a beast!". I felt myself as if my entire body was free and spoke with sensations "Finally! At last everything is as it should have always been! ". I showed everyone around, to my friends who knew the Truth to a greater or lesser extent, that I'm free and happy. I felt and showed that life is the triumph of itself in all manifestations and we can only love, enjoy and express ourselves to the full, because everything is PERFECT in itself and nothing matters. P.s. Here I also have a commentary from Martin Ball After Effects Ego strikes back So before plane has even touched mother Russia's ground, I was back to my weak-willed behaviour. Our last night in spain was in Barcelona so we went to a McDonalds , I've made some sandwiches with baloney and cheese etc. It's hard for me to keep a clean diet (I guess because of weak vision). When I was back to Russia the first couple of days was kinda normal. I met my friends, told them about my experience, even made a lot of notes about it. But without any doubts I was aware that I have not a fucking clue about what should I do with my life. I was anxious and knew that I've got commitments on a job which I must follow, but wasn't able to push myself and for a couple of weeks my After-life was about watching youtube and porn, reading books (cause I didn't have a problem with doing something that I love), eating unhealthy food and feeling myself not very good. Also I've bought the Life Purpose course almost a year ago and couple month ago, almost at the end of it, I've started to procrastinate on it very badly. I was aware that my problem revolves around lack of vision and purpose. And as I understand it - enlightenment is something that is hard to make the purpose itself. Purpose is more about impact on the world. But even I was aware, I didn't have strength to work with the course. But after the retreat I realized that beating and judging yourself is never an option. Love is really the answer, you can think about it like the gasoline, which needed to run the engine. The less love you have, the less strengths and ability to do something good you also have. When I've reached the point of apathy, which made me too worried (cause I really started to behave in the direction of loosing job) I also asked Martin Ball about that issue, and here what he's answer was: Yeah, so I tried to not hate myself and abuse with negative thinking and try to let everything go until something will happen by itself. My relatives asked me to live in their countryside apartments with cats and a dog, while they have a vacation. So I went there and first couple of days I wasn't doing anything except drinking coffee and racing in GTA Online. And what I find very nice - I was really having fun while playing. Really! I was laughing, while sitting alone because of excitement of races! I really started to feel something new inside my heart) At some point, I even had a bad conversation with my boss, after which she said that I no longer need to come to work! I was very frustrated with my job, because I lost any sense of how is my job connected to my heart and generating love and fulfillment. And you need to understand, after I came back from retreat the option of me dying or going broke or getting fired was not scary for me as much. Because I testified by myself, not by Leo's or someone else video, books or articles - I'm THE FUCKING NOTHINGNESS! I am the NUCLEAR REACTOR which always on the half-life! I am THE MOST UNEXPECTED BY ANY MIND! I AM THE MOST LOVING CHILD AND THE MOST PERVERTED PEDOPHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY! So do you really think I was bothered about the perspective of becoming broke or fired? No, not really. There is so much work to do But I was aware, that every game has its own rules. And now, when I become aware of the game very well It becomes even harder to do some stupid nonsense, which I don't love. And this makes me even more responsible. So I realized it and become very determined to finish my course. I've made all the remaining exercises and now I have my Life Purpose in the one concrete sentence and I have a vision which become more solid every day. Now my goal is to embody my Purpose - understanding as deep as possible Spiral Dynamics, Mysticism and Spirituality, purify myself, move to Netherlands, become a consultant and become great, because I really want to love myself, without intimidation. At that point of my Journey I find hard to understand the nondual nature of everything to the point, where I can do some stupid work and still enjoying being. P.s. After I've become aware of my Life Purpose and Vision it have become much easier to do stupid job for paying my bills, because I understand that it's a tool for sometheng bigger. I was searching for the Purpose, without it any job seems shitty. Now I'm doing it from the place of Love, not from worries, anxiety and fear. Here is something what Martin said about Love and Being: And a little bit about surrender: Ending That was a very big one, but after I went to the retreat where were so many people, who can share my pain and my joy, I'm starting to really appreciate the importance of Unity and Friendship. I want to feel a bound with those of you, who went through these trials and tribulation. I want to say, that I am not 100% sure in any of what I've said. I'm really not sure that I get even 5% of my experience right and am not a deluded mothefucker with very slippery mind. Thank you very much for attention and now I dare to ask even more. Please, help me understand myself more and where I'm at. I will ask some of questions that occur, but I'm also waiting your honest comments and maybe even debunking of my thoughts and insights. Also thank Leo very much for his work, I think I could probably have killed myself in the past, if not having had such a great tool for growth. If anybody wants to communicate with me/ask about anything/participate in the next Retreat etc - You are very very welcome to my inbox P.s. Sorry for my English, I'm not aware where exactly I have a mistakes, so it's hard to fix it) Questions Based on the text you read, where do you think I'm on the spiral dynamics? Based on the text you read, where do you think I was and am on the Hero's Journey? What do you think I really missed? Where do you think I really delude myself? What you feel or think about everything or something that you read? What conclusions did you draw after reading? Based on the text you read how you will characterized me in one sentence? Do you have any advice for me? Why you think it can help growth or realize myself?

@winterknight Okay, this frictionless undisturbance is there, but i would call it nothingness, rather than bliss. It is not pleasant in any way. Sometimes it is unpleasant, but that aspect usually goes away when inquiry is made into it. But it is never experienced as being actually pleasant, sometimes a gentle joy like i said. Really, it's neutral, like nothingness.

Yao Take this in for a sec Really try to get this - intellectually at least Your entire experience (centered from your point of view) in a dream "appears/happens" to you... The you which is sleeping on the bed and not in the world of that dream in any way at all That entire experience, if it can be called an object is ONE It is one experience - the you in the dream from which the Point of View is based on is not separate from the dream world You and the dream world are ONE OBJECT appearing/happening to your (dreamer's) awareness. That's how this current state is. It's all ONE now where is the dreamer who it is happening to? It is NOBODY/NOTHING it just is... Yet something sees and is aware of it. You are THAT. That blank empty nothingness which watches/sees/is All.

Would you agree that the illusion of duality and everything, sprung from nothingness and the simple sense of being? Because that's my conclusion after realizing that I is God.

So the Nothingness over there is getting offended if it's called "you"?

This brings up a question I have that I’d love a more in depth answer on, even though you’ve touched on it in some of your videos on your blog: there’s a lot of different things people can awaken to... Unconditional divine love Infinite intelligence The “mind of God” Ones true nature What existence/life is Nothingness The collapse of the real vs unreal and how life is a dream What the mind is What is another Obviously can keep probably keep going on. My question is more along the lines of... what determines one’s degree of depth of these different facets of enlightenment? As that doesn’t seem to be something I hear a lot of teachers talk about but I remember you’ve talked about on your vlogs on your blog, particularly on your 30 day meditation challenge, how when you’re taking those daily rounds of 5-MeO that you can’t see how a human being can possibly awaken to facets that deep. There seems to be depths of awakening of even particular facets. For example someone can awaken to No-Self on a shallow level and someone can awaken to No-Self in a radically deeper way. Would love to get your take on this matter as I don’t hear it talked about that much

It seems like the mind can look around, see lots of things and imagine One enormous inter-connected Everything. It seems you would consider this a half-step, because there is still the image of lots of inter-connected thing. And the Everything itself could be imagined as a thing. Yet, it is possible for perception to go further? I can look around my room and see One inter-connected Everything. I've touched upon a level in which the inter-connected dissolves and there is simply One. Yet as you said this still suggests a One that is a thing. So, what would be "seen" at the next level? All those things, or the One Everything just doesn't disappear and the brain goes blind. If a dog chased me, my brain could recognize the entity. Is it closer to Truth to say the brain still perceives "things", yet there is an underlying "seeing" of Nothingness?

Entry 367 | The Crash Hello journal. It's good to see you again. I'm sorry for neglecting you. Lots of things have happened since we last spoke and I'm here to tell you about them now. My monkey mind has been desperately trying to take over my attempts to apply this self-actualisation work. It even went so far as to sway me into having a car crash that could have been fatal. I'll never forget it: how this world, which has felt concrete and stable in its design throughout my life, suddenly vanished without a trace. Any sense of "me" or "my life" was erased in an instant. All that was left was nothingness. When I came around, I realised just how easy it was for this existence to be remoulded like clay. It felt like waking up to a new existence with no clue what just happened. The accident taught me just how important it is to follow the path of self-actualisation. It's not something that you can just try for a year or two just because you heard somewhere that it's good for you. It's not something that you can just casually abandon once you have committed your life to it. True and proper self-actualisation is something that can save your life. This is now a few weeks after the crash and still I notice resistance hidden within me. Resistance to want to work hard and learn hard. Resistance to strive for something better. Always resistance. But one thing I can't resist is how it felt to (in a manner of speaking) "see God." It terrifies me, the ego. Fortunately, it wasn't death but there was no conscious way of telling the difference. But as terrifying as it is to contemplate that everything about who we are and how we live is utterly meaningless, there must also be some positive lesson equally powerful to counterbalance the neutrality of unconsciousness. A personal way of looking at it might bring up the question "why am I still alive?" And although it would be nice to think that God believes that there's still work to be done on my part in this world, neutrality would suggest that this would be just an interpretation. The truth is right here and right now. The truth is in the existence of these words. The truth is beautiful. And so, may this journey of life continue with detachment from outcome and peace of mind knowing that the place we will all reach in the end is forgivingly neutral. Pick of the day:

Yes this is the absolute in the relative of human form. If something is absolute, it is not non-dual as it is something opposed to nothing. If I referred to nothingness, I meant no-thingness. Which is literally no-thing, but also not nothing. It is relative and therefore unlabeable as it is no-thing. If truth arises, no truth or belief arises. Truth is only truth opposed to no truth or belief. As knowledge is only knowledge opposed to no knowledge. It is just a creation of the self trying to label something, by labeling it. The self is very stubborn and tries to hold onto things by trying to label something to identify to. To have a sense of grip, an illusion to be in control of your consciousness as being something out there as a source. You can identify with a so-called truth or knowledge. This truth or knowledge only exist in the mind. This mind is open for everything. I can put any truth in it, but it will only be my truth. I can put any knowledge in it, but it would only be my knowledge. Absolute in the relativity of my mind. The truth is in my mind and the belief is outside my mind. The knowledge is in my mind and no knowledge is outside my mind. My mind can verify things, therefore claim a truth, outside my mind there is no verification, therefore no truth or belief.

Yes I do get what your saying and glad you shared it, since I was trying to expand my understanding of Buddhist thought and realization. That said, I dont necessarily think its the ultimate or final understanding. Hell dont even want to say that since it may be impossible to make such a claim. But I think what Seratoninlove is pointing to and perhaps others as well (I agree with them) is there is a recognition that is not relative, that is understood and realized (and yes within the human form), that is termed nothingness/infinity/god/nondual in Hinduism I believe and other practices which isn't clear you actually understand or have seen, perhaps since your awaking is just enough and you no longer need/want to seek more (your questions have been answered, your awake and happy, and that is fine), but none the less doesn't mean you've seen and understood everything. Then again you later made a comment that alluded to the nothingness that you leave unlabeled is the same as what Seratonin/others/me are talking about, and "maybe" it is, but if you don't understand or see that this nothingness/infinity/nondualness is the source and ground of it all, is in everything and is You and I and is not relative, is and always was the source, then no its not the same. It really may not be that important honestly since the understanding doesn't create happiness and freedom necessarily, its just more knowledge and Truth. So if your happy and understand reality to the degree your happy with and can help others, do so, just keep an open mind there is always more, and in this case, there is this piece of Truth you haven't understood, which again, doesn't mean you need/have to.

Love is THE answer. But not the love we think we know. And yes, self-love is super important. It is not loving your ego, it is loving yourself when you see who/what "you" really are. It is being the love that IS everything which you are. I see myself and many other individuals transform immensely from this insight and its practical results. It is a question of nuance, but love is what is intrinsic in truth. As soon as you see that, your heart will open up. I'm not here to argue with you. I'm interested to hear why you think it is not an answer to anything? What else is the answer to suffering, anger, sadness, fear? Is it nothingness? Is it more suffering? I'm meaning that very practically as in the OP's question.

@Matt8800 I am not speak about the word... You obviously cannot understand Nothingness but chanting that word. The Hare Krishna mantra is like the 5 second rule.. it activates the front part of the brain and increases will power. Bhakti is what is needed... Not chanting Hare Krishna only

Sorry to hear that you were indoctrinated... I was an atheist before I watched Leo's videos. I agree with everything that Leo says.. I am just adding the word Krishna not as a person... I mean to say Krishna=Truth=God=Nothingness=Consciousness

Hey Winterknight... I just had this interesting experience. I have had trouble sleeping since our last communication. So I googled a technique that instructed me to find the source of "I" as before, or lack thereof. And to breathe darkness into my Self to begin meditation before trying to go to sleep. So I started to breathe in darkness and began to black out every cell in the body until it was completely gone, then I blacked out the mind, then ultimately the entire field of awareness. After a while, "I" was left in a black void of darkness. And the realizations of what I experienced, and then repeated as the process developed went as follows: - Just be, there is no time and no form (repeated from the start, maybe 100 times total) - I am perfect nothingness (realized a bit later, repeated maybe 80 times) - I am a presence, aware of myself (realized a bit later again, repeated maybe 50 times) - I am God (realized a fair bit later, repeated only 5 - 10 times) This left me somewhat in shock. This exercise took me somewhere I did not expect to go. Is there anything to this? Could this be God Consciousness? I wish I could tell you more, but I didn't experience much in the moment. I just repeated it all a few more times to see if some profound experience would develop from there. But it didn't. Then I figured I needed to let you know to get your thoughts.

You are totally correct. In other words; from the human consciousness they see that everything is of dependent arising, including consciousness. If there is no perceived reality, there is no consciousness, and the other way around. However, there seems to be a reality (the universe) outside of consciousness as the sun sets in the west when we go to sleep and rises in the east when we wake up. But when we look closely at this reality, we see that a flower is dependent upon everything that surrounds the flower, so anything is relative and dependent upon everything that constitutes it and surrounds it. Just as a toilet is dependent upon matter, gravity, space and time. Exactly, the nothingness is non-grasping beause it is relative, there is no essence, so also the human consciousness is relative and the question. Your interpretation is spot on. Yes! Not the actual recognition of the absolute in the relative. But don't say silly, this could make them seem dumb. Buddhists prefer the term ignorant. Addendum: one of the deeper causes of this experience they have, could be, that they are too heavily focused on dissolving the self, instead of looking what is around the self. But this is just a guess..

I'll have to keep looking into the different views of Buddhism schools, but the one your sharing and the one I read about (yogacara) seem to stop at the notion that enlightenment is waking up to the realization that there is just ones human consciousness/congition, and nothing independent of that one can realize or see outside of that, along with the world exists outside of this and is not dependent on human mind/consciousness to be there. One could say they've mastered the path of understanding cognition, maybe? Correct me if I"m wrong at any point. Buddhism stops at a place of nothinness that is termed, non-questioning/grasping and from here its understood that when a question is asked (such as what created all this or created the possibility for all this), it is seen as arising within human consciousness and as you say inherently dependent on the natural nothingness that it arose from. This then leads to, the idea or experience of knowing a Brahnma type realization is said to be a silly idea since it would be a arising question that is answered within this space of nothingness and would thus be boiled down to Buddhist enlightened mind as a idea of something that arose and not the actual recognition of Absolute, but a interpretation of a question and an experience that manifested from it?

I'm not sure if this is simply a concept or idea I've been latching onto, but for awhile now I've been having this subtle... intuition about my direct experience. By direct experience, I mean literal existence, the "actuality" (go watch Leo's video) in which direct experience manifests. Interestingly... This shit is morphing left and right, 24/7. I mean seriously, our phenomenal field is in CONSTANT flux, in all 6 senses. And somehow the fact of this slippery field makes it feel really really empty. Not in a nihilistic way, just in a like... I can't describe it. And this feeling has really been snowballing over the past month or so without much warning. I hadn't necessarily been thinking about it until recently. If we reflect for a second on direct experience though, NOTHING about it remains consistent and yet each form it takes is perfectly distinct from every other form, giving rise to an infinite number of possibilities. So form is constantly manifesting in various ways at an infinite rate (literally infinite). Then you have to think, what is the 1 substance that reality would have to be made of in order to manifest in an infinite number of ways at an infinite rate? NOTHING! And in fact, taking this idea even further, nothingness itself is the only substance which could be infinite, at least with the ways I'm currently conceptualizing infinity. So nothing = infinity My biggest potential bias is that I'm somehow intellectualizing everything I've learned about non-duality, as multiple sources I've researched discuss this idea of "nothingness." On the other hand, something about this direct experience truly feels very "nothing" like or empty. The best way to describe it is that this "direct experience" of phenomena feels quite indirect and I'm missing something. I wish I could more effectively describe what I'm talking about. These last few meditation sessions have me really not understanding what I'm directly experiencing though. Just leaving me with a sense of... literally nothing. If anyone has insights or thoughts, I would be very interested to hear them.

Welcome to the plight of the human condition. Some may tell you that there is no meaning, no point so you should erase that meaning and point in your own life to reflect this nihilistic perspective. That this is the ultimate way of being, by non-being a nonexistence of nothingness in emptiness which is the pinnacle, the nirvana, the truth and everything else is an illusion. All they have done is taken the physical pursuits of meaning and gone to the extreme in the opposite creating meaning out of the non-physical ideology. It's more dualism mindset and that the Buddha came across in his path when he spoke of a middle way that transcends the dualism of indulgence and abstinence. This middle way is having peace and fulfillment in just being, simply being present in the moment and not in either indulging or abstaining ideologically and in practice from what life exists as. So in the fat or lean times, in gain or loss, in success or failure there is still peace because in those is not where meaning is derived.

@Beeflamb You do not hear or read between the lines He is pointing towards the moon but you're looking at the finger. Actualized is the total opposite of a cult, because that is dogma The best way to explain "Leo's" work for us is Nothingness in words, in a modern way to make it understandable It is not so complicated to be honest, and still super complicated When I read many of these posts on this forum I don't know whether I wanna laugh or cry, so many are so far away from what is really being said.

@Leo Gura Is the "Soul" eternal like absolute/nothingness etc. ?

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan woke up this day around 1 'o clock. He is not the guy who is way too concerned about when he wakes up. Or time in general. He knows he will wake up exactly when he's supposed to. He knows this, except for when he does not. Then he usually judges himself for being "immature" and "irresponsible". With his barely opened eyes, he found his way to the bathroom. Leak - Flush - Splash - Towel. No mirror talk. Not even a "cool guy wink" or a "motivational mirror-high-five". Nada. He was in a rush, sorta. Ivan then made a coffee for himself. Thoughts were floating throughout the apartment, occasionally flying through his head. He was trying so hard to ignore every one of them. He was trying to just casually walk his way towards "enlightenment", whistling along. Lately, Ivan is all about this thing called "enlightenment". He has been staying up late for quite a while now. Thinking about everything that's changing, contemplating, questioning, staring into the dark. He honestly feels like he's onto something. This time it really seems that way to him. He is not the guy who usually claims victory too soon. Except for when he does. This causes Ivan to question now more than ever. Now he knows, that he doesn't know at all. Now he's sure of it, kinda. 3 knocks on the door and 3 words: "Sweetie, wake up." Ivan is in love. Deeply. He is certain he has found his soulmate. Her name is Diana. She's gorgeous. Diana was sleeping in the other bedroom. The two have been sleeping apart for a few days now. Their sleeping cycles and their daily rhythms differentiate. There are no hard feelings; both accept what is. Except for when they don't. Ivan desires to express himself now: Ok. I get it. The joke is on me. It's not like I wasn't suspecting this would happen. But now that it's happening...Man. What the actual fu*k. I am doing all this hard work, grinding my way towards this freaking "enlightenment", why? So I'd be gone? What the fu*k man? And there's nothing I can do about it?! WHO DOES THAT? God is insane, indeed, he is. Too bad I can also somehow grasp now, intellectually, that I am that mutherf#$&er. How can that possibly be? I mean. C'mon. Just. C'mon. HOW COULD I NOT BE FREAKING OUT?! How can anyone be "meh" about this?! I am disappearing for God's sake! Literally! Also not to mention my circumstances are still under "construction", after everything has been destroyed and turned to dust, 3 years ago. I started this spiritual crap and poof. Everything collapsed. All I wanted to do is be a successful musician, damn it. Was I supposed to keep the job that was slowly killing me? Or any other job I'd hate? No difference, ay? I'd disappear one way or another. What the fudge man. No wonder I can't function properly. No wonder we're broke. There barely is any me left. And the outside...Well, the outside is empty. And that's scary. I know I can rise up to anything extremely fast. Music was my teacher. I can last forever doing what needs to be done to get those results. If I really want to, I can. My focus is intense as fu*k! And I gave my everything to have the skills I have today! I had nothing else, damn it! No family! Barely any friends! And now I have to give up even myself?! Even music?! COME THE FU*K ON. THE STORY SAYS: With those emotions and thoughts rising up, Ivan was certainly not able to "achieve enlightenment" this day. He felt so close, yet so far away. He now knows the way. Except for when he does not. He made a major "breakthrough", one could say. He was able to see through himself. He was able to become "nothing and everything simultaneously" - as he likes describing it himself. He knows it is very counter-intuitive to talk about nothing and everything to someone. He did not want to trap himself. He wanted to avoid all traps. Ivan thought he was cleaver and fast enough. He felt like a ninja who cannot be touched. What a guy. Soon Ivan found himself trapped, once again. One thought to another, right back in the labyrinth. Ivan was delusional again. Here and Now no more. He had the urge to talk to his love, Diana about his new discoveries and accomplishments. He wanted someone to tell him how awesome he is for achieving what he did in such a short period of time. Ivan was in a desperate need of acknowledgment and valuation. He was never acknowledged or valued by his parents. Poor guy. Diana was feeling weak. Nothing serious, thank God. But her ear is most likely to be inflamed. She is going through a big transformation as well. Her body is showing obvious signs. She is in need of special care, attention, love and nurturing. Ivan knows this, but he's too busy with catching "enlightenment". It is not unusual for the couple to have a spiritually oriented conversation. In fact, they talk about those things all the time. It is also not unusual for them to have nasty intellectual and emotional fights. Ivan decided to push the boundaries. One argument after another, the two ended up in a non-dual war and conceptual chaos. Ivan desires to express himself now: I fu*kin' knew it. The moment I try to put this non-dual bullsh*t into words and concepts, I get f-ed in the A. Hard. I don't know how to articulate this sh*t properly yet nor is that possible at all. I don't know how to interact "from the other side". And I also most definitely do know. Loving and not trying to expose something that does not exist. F*ck. I got myself trapped again. I was trapped in a loop, pointing my finger to my forehead, trying to explain what cannot be explained to the person I love more than anyone can imagine. Forgetting to love here, forgetting to breath now. Diana means the world to me. She and her mother are the only ones who give any f*ck about me. In fact, they care about me like no one ever did before. I am infinitely grateful for that. But I am also an idiot. So I have my idiotic ways. I wanted to act like I cannot be distracted anymore. Like I finally GOT IT. I wanted to let her know what I saw. I wanted to let her know that I was face to face with absolutely nothing and freakin' everything. I wanted to let her know that I was afraid of what might happen if I make the choice to disappear into infinite nothingness. If the concept "Ivan" gets destroyed completely. I got deluded big time. I forgot instantly what everything IS about. She is so good at triggering me. As I am at triggering her. Once we start, it's like watching a domino effect. Flawless chain-reaction. It's intense. I was desperately trying to expose her the paradox, the Truth and the Lie. I wanted to let her know that I've been feeling like a freakin' reality hacker for the past few days. Ever since I joined the Actualized.org forum, it seemed to me like I'm Neo, doing some hard core background coding, re-programming, or whatever the heck. I was getting exactly the right information from exactly the right people on this forum. It's scary how accurate and precise it was. I can't point to this coding, but I can feel it happening. It's in my mind. Everything is being rewired rapidly, if I focus on it. Diana did not "decode" my words correctly and I did not her's. There was a huge misunderstanding. All I wanted to do was to share with her my speculations. I was wondering how life would be, if "I" was to identify with everything. Everything except for Ivan. Including Diana. Insanity is very tricky. And it never felt closer. Somehow, we found our way out of argue. Her mother sent us some money, again. I needed to catch a bus and go to the other side of the town, as I always do when we have money to pick up. I knew Diana's suggestions were completely valid and would be helpful if I was to listen carefully. And I knew I brought the "fight" on myself. So I was already trying to breath deeper and simply love what is. I intended to "make it up" to her once I return. THE STORY SAYS: It should be mentioned that Diana and Ivan have been living in Sri Lanka for a while now. They moved here to seek freedom, abundance, expansion, deeper connection, understanding and more love. Also just fun in general, travel experiences, tasting-touching-smelling-hearing new things, embracing the spontaneous. They wanted to be entrepreneurs. They invested a nice amount of money into a global company, that promised them great business opportunities in Sri Lanka. Diana and Ivan were hooked. After some time, the business collapsed before their eyes, stripping them of all hope. Again. Not for too long though. Ivan got himself involved in this thing called "forex trading". A friend of his, who lives in Slovenia is a successful money-magnet, one could say. He promised Ivan to be his mentor. To guide him into financial freedom. Ivan loves the idea of being financially free. He is certain it is his birth-right. Just as it is everyone else's. As Ivan was walking towards the bus-station, he was regretting his stupidity and delusional thoughts. He knew he should stop or else he would go too far into the Maze. He focused on his breath. On all the birds singing. On the Sun and the pleasant wind. The sound of the waves. The passing locals. He was smiling to every one of them. Slowly merging with the present moment. Ivan desires to express himself now: Diana and me, we went through 2 years of a mixture of heaven and hell. Feels like it was 20. At least. It was messy, psychotic, draining and crushing. Nevertheless, it was also blissful, fun, thrilling, unusual, expensive and full of love. Love unlike any felt before. IT'S THE REAL DEAL. That's why we both rolled up our spiritual sleeves, right from the get go and started grinding toward the perfect versions of ourselves. For each-other - as a gift, for ourselves - as a must. We somehow ended up in Sri Lanka. Dfaq?! I remember having the idea. I also remember trying my best to realize it. But I have no freaking idea why I had the idea to come here. It just seemed obviously right then. Now, it's a bit different story. Sri Lanka ended up suckin' balls in a lot of ways. The monks are not what I expected (of course) , the whole Buddhism thing seems off and brainwashy, no trace of enlightenment or real spirituality. There is dirt, trash (a lot of it), smell, ignorance and GREED everywhere. Before we came here, in my head it seemed like we'll be OK with these things. It's not like we had no clue about anything what's here. But I do fancy taking huge blind leaps of faith and I don't like over-planing stuff. Where's the fun in that? So it is what it is now. Took a while, but we got used to everything and even came to love it. I can easily walk though the hustle and bustle of the city, without doing any spiritual Kung Fu. I can honestly love everything and everybody. No thoughts about it. Nevertheless, I do want to take us somewhere else soon. This place is not resonating with us, that is a fact. I have been noticing signs pointing in the direction of Malaysia and I honestly feel like trading is the missing link. I'm excited about it. And I came to love analyzing and speculating. It sits right with me. It must be it! I'll do everything to make it so! It is our ticket! We cannot be struggling anymore. There is no point in it anymore. As I entered the bus, I got super contracted again. A bit claustrophobic and panicky. People like to stare here, which does not bother me usually. What bothers me is when I tune into the collective thoughts and emotions. The buses here are as crowded as one can imagine. There is no space for air. And my stomach was so contracted, I could not breath through it, not a chance. I skipped breakfast and lunch again. Only coffee and cigarettes. So irresponsible. As I exited, I noticed an even more chaotic atmosphere than usual. More traffic, more crowd. There seemed to be some sort of a protest going on. There was a stage in the middle of the main road and a guy yelling on the top of his lungs something into a mic. The speakers were close to catching fire. I merged with the crowd and made my way to the ATM. THE STORY SAYS: On his way back from the ATM, Ivan was present, Ivan was absent. He approached two random Sri Lankans. He asked them what is happening. "A protest against democracy" -the two replied. Ivan smiled and continued his way towards the station. He then remembered he wanted to "make it up" to his love, Diana. Sri Lankan old ladies are selling beautiful flowers in front of the Buddhist temple every day. Ivan approached a lady and prepared 100 rupees. Without a word being said, the lady handed him exactly the flowers he laid his eyes on just seconds before. He also bought spicy peanuts - Diana's favorite. Ivan decided to walk back, as the traffic was very thick, due to the protest. The buses were barely moving. A tuk tuk driver picked him up after a few hundred meters of walking. One last stop at the super-market; buying all the necessities. He then walked back home to give Diana the attention she deserves. Ivan desires to express himself now: I know when I'm a dick-head. I know I do stupid things. I know when to apologize. It is necessary. I wasn't surprised to find Diana already alright when I arrived. She knows how to take care of herself without her idiot boyfriend. She knows how to love herself. But she also fears being disrespected by me. I've done it before. We both showed disrespect to each-other. But we both can see through those things. We cool ya'all. I gave her the flowers, the peanuts and her favorite dark chocolate. I was forgiven. Love and unity were present again. Rolled a joint; we love to smoke and chill, read and talk. I felt I needed to eat or else I'd collapse any time. But I still had the urge to express my non-dual discoveries and create some sort of an understanding for myself. I also felt like I was in desperate need of attention on that topic in particular. You could say I felt like a dirty attention slut, yes. I ate 3 eggs, some bread and 4 sausages. Can't afford no fancy food at the moment. After the meal; back to the forum - my new favorite hanging place. And also classroom; not to offend anyone. I came across this section. "Digital journal, ay?" - I thought. This might be exactly what I needed. I never bothered writing an actual journal before. When I did, I was a kid and I'd stop after a few days. Music took way too much of my focus. I had no time for that non-sense, pls. BUT THIS. This somehow feels right. I love expressing myself through words instead of melodies and rhythms. It's new. It's different. It is now.

Nothingness doesn't have to worry about these questions, does it?

@winterknight Well how to put this then. If there is doubt, then that's the mind's problem. It's just bodies talking to each other isn't it? Has this all been a movie? How does nothingness talk?