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Detachment from the process and outcome is better than being obsessed and attached to them, including the outcome of nothingness.

As far as my own experience goes though nothing comes close to this. I love piano, but this must be my very favorite album ever. When I tripped once, I plugged in this album and I instantly felt perfect peace and stillness. Next thing I remember I regain consciousness on the LAST NOTE OF THE LAST SONG. I was gone for the whole album. Literally gone. My face was washed in tears of utter bliss in nothingness. Even remembering this brings up so many feelings.

Something I've always been confused about. When I have an operation, and am under anesthesia, there seems to be no self. There is no perception, no concept of passage of time, just nothingness. From the time I go under, to the time I wake up many hours later, there is just nothing. So shouldn't the Self still be experiencing and perceiving during that time? Could you please try and explain this.

@Leo Gura At around 1:30:54, it's counter-intuitive to put yourself in the enlightened masters' shoes and be radically open to why they are saying that. For example, some of them had their nothingness awakening (Riding the Ox Backwards) when they were children. You can't induce that with a substance at that age. Then, for them, there are 'minor' awakenings afterwards throughout life, which are just as important as the nothingness awakening. They don't want to miss out on those because those can set them in the right directions in life. If you keep inducing this and that, you may just be skipping steps and missing out on the meaningful lessons. As you said in your blog, life is a school. I agree. In the actual school, we can't miss out on the lessons which set the foundations. You also have to factor in karma as you go along. It makes the spiritual path very complex.

OP, I've been where you are, afraid of the possibility of experiencing a bad trip. Honestly, If you do not have a family history of schizophrenia, you are able and comfortable with soothing yourself emotionally, and you are not impulsive. In addition, if you are introspective and even introverted. I would bet that you would be okay. You gotta be confident when you take the leap and just have at it. Look at the bright side of things. I am afraid before all of my psychedelic trips lol. And pretty much every time, I say "I don't know what I was worried about. this is awesome." Except N-N DMT, that feels like I'm dissolving into nothingness. Can be a bit scary during the moment, but I still leave it feeling amazed. You're bound to reach some weird moments where things may take on an ugly appearance or a dark tone, almost like the difference between watching a horror film and a Disney movie. You become really sensitive to the energy around you and the energy you create. You just gotta stay conscious, use rationality as difficult as it may be, and be able to let go when it's necessary.

To put it to perspective, you are already nothingness, but you are not nothingness, you can not put finger on nothingness as it is everything and nothing, if you become everything , experience everything ,you will still not be nothingness , as it will be just experience,, it is hard to explain, because it has no logical explanation.

I have no clue what they meant when they made thous steps, is it understanding nothingness , or is it embodying nothingness , which would be still just state, experience , as you cant become nothingness .

Yesterday I had an enlightenment experience where I became conscious of what I think was nothingness. I was watching Leo's video, What Is Consciousness, and he was talking about how consciousness can't have any attribute since if it did it wouldn't be able to take on the opposite of that attribute. For example if consciousness was red, or cold, or rough, or smooth, or etherial, or solid, it wouldn't be able to be the opposite of that attribute. If it was red it couldn't be green, if it was smooth it couldn't be rough. So consciousness needs to be able to take on any attribute and therefore it needs to be completely empty of any attributes or properties. Even free of time and space. I was watching the video and suddenly my consciousness shifted and I felt like I was Leo, I was looking of a picture of a guy and I was him too, I was everyone I ever knew and also everything around me (all objects), and then I realized what I was was nothingness. So by becoming nothing, I became everything simultaneously. I also felt like that nothingness was what was looking through my eyes. It really felt like awakening from a dream and the term "awakening" is a very accurate description. The nothingness was not an idea of nothingness, it was actual nothingness and for that reason it kind of feels like it was magical nothingness since it exists but it still is nothing. It feels like it is beyond existence or non-existence, beyond self and no-self, time and space, colors, or any other attribute. I am writing in past tense but I am still conscious off these things that I noticed but it is not present all the time and it can be more or less strong. So now I am wondering where this experience/insight stands in comparison to the 10 ox herding pictures and if anyone here on the forum has any reflections on that?

I'm not offering help but asking for it. This video flew a bit over my head. Being 4 hours long, I'd imagine it's a very important concept and yet when working with it (admittedly quite briefly), it doesn't really seem to have any impact on me. Unlike the other videos, which often leave me feeling a lot more wise and seeing reality differently. Just one example, the video on perception... I noticed a huge shift just listening and considering all experience as external. And this counter-intuitive video has me inspired af. But with sameness vs difference... what's the big deal (cue the "IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT CONCEPT THERE IS!!! REALITY IS MADE OF DISTINCTIONS!!!" freak out)... I mean, I can look at two pens, maybe one red and one blue and yeah... they have differences and similarities. I know/understand/believe that ultimately everything is relative, and in a way I am generating these differences. I've even in a way experienced this before, all distinctions collapsing. But in that moment... it's just two pens with some similarities and some differences. What's been more beneficial for me is to just let go and appreciate the raw existence and experience and presence of a pen. Or maybe getting out of my head and being the pen. So what's the big deal with this? I mean, everything is the same in that everything is different from everything else. And for something to be the exact same as something else, it has to literally be that thing itself. And reality is made up of all possible (and impossible?) differences that can be perceived of from an infinite singularity of nothingness. So that's kinda cool.... What can I do to grok this more and have some direct experience? Any hints as to a path to go down in contemplating "What is sameness and what is difference"? (Tbf I've spent maybe 10 minutes total on this). Maybe I should rephrase it as "what is a distinction"? Is this just me and everyone else was like wow this changes everything when watching this video, or what?

I would say there is an immature understanding and a more mature, truer understanding of emptiness. This is one reason meditation is so important - if the mind quiets down, you can get glimpses of this truer emptiness - which is nothingness, stillness, peace. Most people first notice it as small gaps between thoughts. The gaps get longer and deeper. Once you can drop below thoughts / feelings into that stillness, you will start to see attachments / identification with thoughts and feelings. Yet, this can be uncomfortable to the ego.

The verses are taken from https://terebess.hu/english/oxherding.html The reason is there was too much words I didn't understand to write them down 1) Searching For The Ox Stumbling around in life , suffering, scratching your head, hear people heard people talk about enlightenment, basically lost and clueless You must begin with an intense desire for the truth, renunctiation of the desire is on an another stage When you first affirm the vow to attain enlightenment, at that very moment there is already a splendid enlightement" = important step The Ox = Enlightenment 2) Seeing The Footprints When you have tiny glimpses, for few seconds Stage when you conceptualize enlightenment so much taht you think you understand it. It's a trap because it's just a story in your head, it isn't the real experiential thing. You will delude yourself if you don't study non-duality 100% chance of awakening if you are serious and comitted. 3) Seeing The Ox First Mystical experiences When you understand for real what all this stuff is about, you are SURE that the Ox is real now. So beautiful and awesome that you can't looks at it in the eyes for long, you need to develop yourself just to look at it. Hard to talk about something that includes everything (the Ox) by trying to explain it with only a tiny part of it (language). 4) Catching the Ox This is when you go beyond the first glimpses and embody them in your own life, and realize how difficult that is. Can't have the full Ox if you're still full of desires and attachments. The Ox would make all those desires and attachments feel stupid and childish, irrelevant. You need to cleanse all your concepts about the Ox (emptying your cup) to let it approach you. 5) Taming The Ox This is the stage when you get really serious about taming the Ox, about letting it purified you. There is a will to let go of all the egotism. What is really hard is having a mind with no thoughts, that is the mark of a master. 6) Riding the Ox Home The stage where you seriously embodied enlightenment. Not even a need to talk about it anymore, since it's your natural way to live life. You bring back the mystical into the mondains. At this stage many enlightened people gives the advices that there is nothing to do. This is only true at this stage. 7) Ox Transcended The stage when you have transcended the seeking of awakening and enlightenment. You realize that everything that ever was has always been the Ox, that there was not a single moment of not being it in the first place. There will be no distinction between anything. Also the stage when unconditional happiness is realized. The reason is because you realized you've never been born, you're already dead, the worst thing that could have happened to you, already happened, so everything now is a bonus. 8) Ox and self transcendance You transcend everything, you let go of everything. True emptiness -> Infinity You realize that everything that has happened never really happened, it's all pure emptiness/nothingness. All distinction collapse, all boundaries or objects, everything. You can't even distinguish existence from non-existence anymore (life from death) You realize the source of the universe, where it come from and where it goes, namely that it never really happened. = Fana Al-Fana At this point you've never been born. 9) Return to the source This map is a general guideline, it's not rigid, especially if you've used psychedelics/unorthodox practices or are spiritually gifted for example. There are different depth to realize the oneness of the same thing. Some dualities still stays untill stage 10 is "achieved" Wherever you go or do you're already going one step too far from the present moment. If you do nothing you're gonna be carry away by society and will forget everything about this. If you take the path you're also wrong. It's a paradox you're stuck. By taking the path you'll backtrack to the source, to the step zero. 10) Re-Entering The Marketplace You're so ordinary and humble that you blend in "normal life" fully, there is nothing special about you anymore, not even an once of selfishness or ego left in you. You don't even talk to non-duality to people. Humility is the most genuine signal of a spiritual master.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Nothing happened today. There was an infinite amount of nothingness, one could say. There was transparency and there was reflection. Ivan's mind is still getting used to being a mirror. Ivan truly enjoys this process. He is in love with it. He is now finally setting his mind free; eliminating all the limitations, that were never truly there. They were pure mist. They were illusory. Created for Ivan, by Ivan; to wake him up to his full potential. To "claim his power back" - so to speak. Ivan now knows there is nothing more beautiful than claiming your power back. And believing in yourself beyond any doubt and deception. Ivan now sees the importance of loving the one who has never been loved. Loving the Fear that was miss-perceived so many times. Misunderstood and dishonored. Minimized, criticized and judged. Ivan now sees the paradox clearly. He tried to fight Fear with more fear. He tried to run away from his own shadow. Ivan is compassionate with everyone who is still caught in their own Maze. But he sees even beyond this. He knows the importance of non-importance. He knows the illusion is here to be loved. He knows it can be a game, instead of a labyrinth. One has to choose the way One desires to narrate his Story. One must decide between Fear or Love. Beyond that decision lays an invitation. A calling. A place where Love and Fear can merge and end the "insanity". Ivan desires to make all of his dreams come true. Now he knows, that by doing so, he is creating more Love and understanding for everyone else. No matter what the mirror shows or what the one who stares sees. One cannot fail if One is grounded in Love and Oneness. Fear is now finally getting the credits and recognition it deserves. Fear is now welcome; Fear is now Loved. That's all Fear ever desired. The gap between the Mind and the Heart is slowly disappearing. The is little to no distortion left. Ivan is determined to free himself; to free the World. Wisdom is a natural byproduct of union. It is not unavailable for anybody. Ivan desires to express himself now: There needs to be more Love. It is ever-expansive. There is no bottom, there is no end. That's the beauty of it. I am giving my best to love with my every breath. I am giving my best to fully invite Fear inside. To make it feel home and safe. I am also trying to give the Mind the time it requires. I do not want to rush anything. I am Here, I am Now. There is nowhere else to be. I don't want to scare Fear away. I don't want it to feel tricked or deceived. I truly desire Fear to find Peace. It is tired, exhausted. It spent too many lifetimes nudging me. Trying to receive the attention it deserves. Trying to be fully present, transparent and proud of it's nature. Recognized for what it is; a part of the One. A necessary part of it, in fact. Without Fear, One would be lost, bored and demotivated. There would be no place for creating understanding, for lessons to occur, for teachings to come to be. There would be no movement, one could say even. I desire Fear to be omnipresent as Love is. I want it to have the exact same amount of power and rights to do anything it desires, as Love does. Anything it feels like the One would benefit from. Fear is accepted now. Fear is much needed. I do not fear you anymore, Fear. I love you. I allow you. I recognize you. I find you brilliant and creative. You are God. You are All There Is. You are wanted and appreciated. Come back home, Fear. There is place for your here now. You are free to enjoy the playground. I love you. I love the Devil and I love the God. There is absolutely no difference between the two. I am The One. I choose to allow and include. I choose to love the unlovable. I choose to live and express Love deeper than anyone dared to wander before me. I choose to make dreams come true. I choose to create. I choose to play. I choose to give and receive. I choose balance now. I choose Fear to be my guide. I choose Here and Now. I choose to live freely, as the infinite creator, that I am. One cannot be defined anymore. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan is traveling at the speed of light. Yet, he's not moving at all. He is radiating Love here and now. He knows he is up to this calling. He knows his Heart is big enough to invite everyone in. To give home and shelter to everyone. Ivan is a hero, and he's just getting started. He feels like he's being reborn with every moment. He now knows there is no rush. There is no Time. There is only anticipation and excitement in the air. Ivan is a stainless Mirror to himself and everyone else. Fear is Love, Love is Fear, and that is how One came to be. Let there be Light. Let there be Darkness. Let there be diversity. Let there be fun. Let there be nothing and everything simultaneously. Ivan desires to express himself now: Ivan desires to express himself now, indeed. I desire to express the infinite nature of Oneness. I desire to be an empty vessel, loving the first thing that comes through. I desire to spread the Truth and the Lie. God is Here Now. The Devil is keeping him company. They are best buddies. Without any of them One would not be One. Two would not be two. I desire luxury. I desire to be an expression of infinite abundance now. I desire to be an example. To let everyone clearly see what IS possible. To guide everyone into their own kind of the same realization. To break down all boundaries. There is no need for division anymore. I went through pain and suffering, not recognizing their message - now I do. I spent time in the illusion of lack. I experienced loss, neglect, judgment, abuse. I explored the dark side of the spectrum. Now it's time to take the wisdom I gained and shine it onto the World. The lessons served their purpose. Perfectly so. Flawlessly. Lessons are necessary. They are what makes us great. They are what drives us forward. I recognize the calling now. I see the purpose of my existence and the importance of it. I choose to be the messenger I came to be. I recognize the invitation for creating a book. A book that will guide all lost souls. A book that will be a perfect Mirror. A timeless book of Oneness. This shall be that book. This shall open up eyes. It desires to be expressed through me. For me, by me; For you, by You. Ivan is a character. He is a hero. No different from any other hero. No different from you. No different from Hercules, Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed, Peter Pan, Robin Hood or any other. Ivan is a Story. Ivan shall write the book. He is already writing it. It is expanding. It is evolving. It is becoming alive. It is here. It is now.

That’s not an understanding, nor a realization, that’s why you’re intuiting it as “not good” aka (not Truth). It’s a ‘right thought’, but nonetheless, let it go completely. When nothingness is no longer a thought, but experience, everything literally flips. You will have the exact opposite perspective / experience, and it is ineffably wonderful, but you must begin the (possibly counter intuitive to you) letting go of every thought about ‘it’, to be ‘it’. Just to hold a single thought, just to blink, is already too much. Hopefully you see what I’m saying by that. It’s more like the light suddenly came on, and the room’s a little messy. Use the light to clean up the room. Try to be glad the light came on, it’s lucky, though I hear you, it doesn’t feel that way...yet. http://www.buddhanet.net/oxherd1.htm

that is amazing, thanks for sharing I've not seen my true self yet, but I did see the nothingness, it's not nothing but it's not something either, it is nothing but within the nothing is the potential for everything...at the time it was perfectly clear but idk now if that's even right...

I just watched your live enlightenment video, and I'm getting everything you say. I'm having the same thoughts. I made a post yesterday, and it's like I've shifted into this enlightened state without warning. Everything in my reality has shattered to pieces from one day to the next. I'm aware of the total oneness, that this post and me writing it in itself is part of it. I'm just not happy about it. I'm feeling lost and betrayed by the simplicity of our reality. That everything is nothing. That I'm you and your me. That everything and everyone I ever cared about is just a part of this infinite nature. That nothing really matters and it's all an illusion which stems from the nature and laws of nothingness. How can this realisation be good? How is it not more enjoyable living in ignorance? I'm lost.

Dig deeper about yourself, chip away the not authentic to you, find your core, core and True Self is in other spectrum.. i'm speaking from, i just got back from Vipassana , i have so many insights back there and i experience "Everything" i just woke up, not deep like Leo but deep enough that either i will accept all my life i will just here forever until i die and try to go deeper in here, or try enjoy Life in a meaningful way.. after all you exist and you wake up from here and have your life... path of enlightenment for us is too heavy for us to go just beeee right now, i can just like give me one year just in the vipassana meditation retreat i will become fully enlighten just give me 1 year myself is ready to surrender but i see that i miss a lot in my life, i am wake here in earth not just only to see GOD but life here, the core in myself, I don't want to spend my life now to facebook all day, or doing porn, i feel the sensation of porn but, what for? If i just give in it will generate sankara, and it cannot satisfy my existence here, it is not enough to spend time to enjoy your existence here as you who have life doing nothing and not meaningful things, it is better that we experience what you take in the path of enlightenment and it is important to express high self... i understand Leo why he cannot just go full buddha easy, he can but he is destructed by actualized.org... everyday if he full surrender his self he can fully liberate himself easily, but he has actualized.org this is his life, if he wants to go fully buddha he needs to be dead... so yea i want to process my enlightenment not just doing it fast, i want to enjoy other facets of life first.. i want to enjoy the life here in earth, i want to be happy and live everyday with my highest self, meaningful life.. meaningful activities... life purpose, selfactualization, i want to settle my self actualization in my life time, i want to actualized first , taste richness of life, then maybe one day i will go to himalayas sit until i liberate fully, or wait for the time it's just hit me and boom! Because if you experience nothingness, it's nothing in there, pure, let the light from within burst.. love "YOU"

*note, not a native English speaker. It's consciousness. I'am this thing called god. I'am the one. I'am conscious of myself. I always was myself, but believed to be someone else. Rolling back to yesterday. Sat around the house, ordered pizza to eat with my wife, the evening was kind of a mini celebration that she got a new job. Also we vaped weed as well, we kinda randomly stumble on some serious mystical experiences while we're high and my wife loves them. Anyway we talked something deep about our relationship, we kinda opened our hearts out to tell the deepest of truths that we hold on to each other. Then a bit later on we kinda changed topics and went spiritual, started asking questions. I can't remember how it actually happened, but somehow randomly I just stumbled on the question like "How am I, I?" "How is my wife, herself?" And then I was like "wait a minute, can it be true that I'am my wife, hmmm, how can I be myself? Why? Maybe I'am just consciousness perceiving everything from this body who is able observe and thinking that I'am something else?" And then it clicked. I consciously understood that I'am everything. I'am me, I'am my wife, I'am also my mom" and I'am also you who is reading this post! Then I said that to my wife! And her jaw dropped when she heard about it. In her mind it also clicked. We were so excited of this insight. Then I like looked at her and felt like I'm looking at myself looking at myself. Then we thought about everything that could pop in our heads. And the boundaries and our projection of good and bad were melted away in an instant, everything seemed good. I thought that we need to test this out. Then the theme of rape rose up. I asked her how do you see rape now, and my wife actually thought that you could seriously enjoy some rape. Nothing bad about it. Like our notion of BAD has vanished, everything that we considered good, bad or we saw fear on something just POOF, as it never even existed. Everything seemed perfect! It's just the way it's supposed to be. Also death is good. You cannot die. You will always be. Interesting thing I felt in myself particularly that moment of the conscious understanding was that I felt a separation inside of me. It was as if a fake me and the real me was split in half and I could feel them inside of me. Inside I felt two sides, on the left the "god, consciousness, everything" me and on the right the "ego, self creation" me. And the ego felt like it was gone. He was never even there. I was shocked to found out that my whole life I wasn't who I always thought to be. I clearly found out my true self! I'am consciousness. There was no me in the first place. I'am everything. I'am everyone of you reading this post right now, but the ego separates us, you see yourself as a separate being which is false and therefore an illusion. Also I thought about how people are worshiping god praying to it, seeing it as a higher being than himself. The understanding can't happen if you see yourself as something else than god itself. You will never find it from the ego mind, you create it and fall into the trap believing that you are lower than "him". The notion of an external entity is false. I still can't answer the question why there is something rather than nothing, I tried, but the answer was that this is nothing, just total nothingness, but I think that this didn't answer my question really. I couldn't understand the answer so I thought I need more time to found it out. But the one thing that is clear for me right now is that I found my TRUE self as everything. I feel compassion to everyone, seeing everyone as myself, just behind this ego smog. And I think I will never try to convince people the truth, because they won't understand it. I will just enjoy this state as much as I can. I still think I will go back to my old ego self (hope not, or not so fast). I kinda feel it creeping a bit on me. I had dreams that I was fighting with with my wife. So the ego is resisting as usual. Hopping for the best.

How do you know there isn't something "more" outside of nothingness? For example: Nintendo's Mario might start to question himself and discover he doesn't really exist. That there's essentially no difference between himself and the rest of the computer code. That this computer code is really fundamentally nothing as well and that everything is an illusion (in this world). However, there is still an external/higher reality outside of the computer that runs on very different rules and what may have felt very complete to Mario's realization doesn't take into account this inconceivable reality. I guess what I'm ultimately asking is if there's the chance of an even higher/deeper/more fundamental truth existing beyond what is considered enlightenment?

@Shin I read in a book (probably "Neti-Neti Meditation") 3 stages: 1. Duality 2. Non-Duality 3. Nothingness

I for one am not entirely sure if I have seen the Ox or not. Took ayahuasca and it took me into a surreal journey into the realms of the abstract, great love, a mystical experience through and through. Took mushrooms and it showed me dream-like visions similar to ayahuasca, I felt immense love and respect, and overwhelming divinity inside me. Took LSD and it showed me how reality, time and perception can bend and stretch into unfathomable proportions. Then took 5-Meo-DMT... and my experience was black nothingness, as if I ceased to exist for some minutes and I was reduced to blank awareness. No emotions tho, I did not panicked nor did I felt any joy, it just happened. I came out of it feeling underwhelmed to be honest, but it was nonetheless a very interesting experience.

Shinzen Young explains: The first 5 pictures are the enlighment journey. Picture 7 , arriving home , is the final stage. However, the last three come after. Substance, Form , Purpose are pictures 8,9, 10. Substance : nothingness. Form : everything. Purpose: spreading the consciousness through act of love and giving from bottom of society. That's only my interpretation and limited understanding. Correction.

This is a story within The Story. This is a digital expression of what is happening. It is meant to paint a picture. It is meant for Ivan to find Love and Peace. It is also meant to be a container for all of Ivan's concerns, insecurities, contradictions, unease, sarcasm, delusion, victim-hood, narcissism, arrogance and ignorance. It is a place of unconditional love and acceptance. It is all-inclusive. So beware, kind reader. This might be exactly what you have no interest in reading, at all. THE STORY SAYS: Ivan woke up this day around 1 'o clock. He is not the guy who is way too concerned about when he wakes up. Or time in general. He knows he will wake up exactly when he's supposed to. He knows this, except for when he does not. Then he usually judges himself for being "immature" and "irresponsible". With his barely opened eyes, he found his way to the bathroom. Leak - Flush - Splash - Towel. No mirror talk. Not even a "cool guy wink" or a "motivational mirror-high-five". Nada. He was in a rush, sorta. Ivan then made a coffee for himself. Thoughts were floating throughout the apartment, occasionally flying through his head. He was trying so hard to ignore every one of them. He was trying to just casually walk his way towards "enlightenment", whistling along. Lately, Ivan is all about this thing called "enlightenment". He has been staying up late for quite a while now. Thinking about everything that's changing, contemplating, questioning, staring into the dark. He honestly feels like he's onto something. This time it really seems that way to him. He is not the guy who usually claims victory too soon. Except for when he does. This causes Ivan to question now more than ever. Now he knows, that he doesn't know at all. Now he's sure of it, kinda. 3 knocks on the door and 3 words: "Sweetie, wake up." Ivan is in love. Deeply. He is certain he has found his soulmate. Her name is Diana. She's gorgeous. Diana was sleeping in the other bedroom. The two have been sleeping apart for a few days now. Their sleeping cycles and their daily rhythms differentiate. There are no hard feelings; both accept what is. Except for when they don't. Ivan desires to express himself now: Ok. I get it. The joke is on me. It's not like I wasn't suspecting this would happen. But now that it's happening...Man. What the actual fu*k. I am doing all this hard work, grinding my way towards this freaking "enlightenment", why? So I'd be gone? What the fu*k man? And there's nothing I can do about it?! WHO DOES THAT? God is insane, indeed, he is. Too bad I can also somehow grasp now, intellectually, that I am that mutherf#$&er. How can that possibly be? I mean. C'mon. Just. C'mon. HOW COULD I NOT BE FREAKING OUT?! How can anyone be "meh" about this?! I am disappearing for God's sake! Literally! Also not to mention my circumstances are still under "construction", after everything has been destroyed and turned to dust, 3 years ago. I started this spiritual crap and poof. Everything collapsed. All I wanted to do is be a successful musician, damn it. Was I supposed to keep the job that was slowly killing me? Or any other job I'd hate? No difference, ay? I'd disappear one way or another. What the fudge man. No wonder I can't function properly. No wonder we're broke. There barely is any me left. And the outside...Well, the outside is empty. And that's scary. I know I can rise up to anything extremely fast. Music was my teacher. I can last forever doing what needs to be done to get those results. If I really want to, I can. My focus is intense as fu*k! And I gave my everything to have the skills I have today! I had nothing else, damn it! No family! Barely any friends! And now I have to give up even myself?! Even music?! COME THE FU*K ON. THE STORY SAYS: With those emotions and thoughts rising up, Ivan was certainly not able to "achieve enlightenment" this day. He felt so close, yet so far away. He now knows the way. Except for when he does not. He made a major "breakthrough", one could say. He was able to see through himself. He was able to become "nothing and everything simultaneously" - as he likes describing it himself. He knows it is very counter-intuitive to talk about nothing and everything to someone. He did not want to trap himself. He wanted to avoid all traps. Ivan thought he was cleaver and fast enough. He felt like a ninja who cannot be touched. What a guy. Soon Ivan found himself trapped, once again. One thought to another, right back in the labyrinth. Ivan was delusional again. Here and Now no more. He had the urge to talk to his love, Diana about his new discoveries and accomplishments. He wanted someone to tell him how awesome he is for achieving what he did in such a short period of time. Ivan was in a desperate need of acknowledgment and valuation. He was never acknowledged or valued by his parents. Poor guy. Diana was feeling weak. Nothing serious, thank God. But her ear is most likely to be inflamed. She is going through a big transformation as well. Her body is showing obvious signs. She is in need of special care, attention, love and nurturing. Ivan knows this, but he's too busy with catching "enlightenment". It is not unusual for the couple to have a spiritually oriented conversation. In fact, they talk about those things all the time. It is also not unusual for them to have nasty intellectual and emotional fights. Ivan decided to push the boundaries. One argument after another, the two ended up in a non-dual war and conceptual chaos. Ivan desires to express himself now: I fu*kin' knew it. The moment I try to put this non-dual bullsh*t into words and concepts, I get f-ed in the A. Hard. I don't know how to articulate this sh*t properly yet nor is that possible at all. I don't know how to interact "from the other side". And I also most definitely do know. Loving and not trying to expose something that does not exist. F*ck. I got myself trapped again. I was trapped in a loop, pointing my finger to my forehead, trying to explain what cannot be explained to the person I love more than anyone can imagine. Forgetting to love here, forgetting to breath now. Diana means the world to me. She and her mother are the only ones who give any f*ck about me. In fact, they care about me like no one ever did before. I am infinitely grateful for that. But I am also an idiot. So I have my idiotic ways. I wanted to act like I cannot be distracted anymore. Like I finally GOT IT. I wanted to let her know what I saw. I wanted to let her know that I was face to face with absolutely nothing and freakin' everything. I wanted to let her know that I was afraid of what might happen if I make the choice to disappear into infinite nothingness. If the concept "Ivan" gets destroyed completely. I got deluded big time. I forgot instantly what everything IS about. She is so good at triggering me. As I am at triggering her. Once we start, it's like watching a domino effect. Flawless chain-reaction. It's intense. I was desperately trying to expose her the paradox, the Truth and the Lie. I wanted to let her know that I've been feeling like a freakin' reality hacker for the past few days. Ever since I joined the Actualized.org forum, it seemed to me like I'm Neo, doing some hard core background coding, re-programming, or whatever the heck. I was getting exactly the right information from exactly the right people on this forum. It's scary how accurate and precise it was. I can't point to this coding, but I can feel it happening. It's in my mind. Everything is being rewired rapidly, if I focus on it. Diana did not "decode" my words correctly and I did not her's. There was a huge misunderstanding. All I wanted to do was to share with her my speculations. I was wondering how life would be, if "I" was to identify with everything. Everything except for Ivan. Including Diana. Insanity is very tricky. And it never felt closer. Somehow, we found our way out of argue. Her mother sent us some money, again. I needed to catch a bus and go to the other side of the town, as I always do when we have money to pick up. I knew Diana's suggestions were completely valid and would be helpful if I was to listen carefully. And I knew I brought the "fight" on myself. So I was already trying to breath deeper and simply love what is. I intended to "make it up" to her once I return. THE STORY SAYS: It should be mentioned that Diana and Ivan have been living in Sri Lanka for a while now. They moved here to seek freedom, abundance, expansion, deeper connection, understanding and more love. Also just fun in general, travel experiences, tasting-touching-smelling-hearing new things, embracing the spontaneous. They wanted to be entrepreneurs. They invested a nice amount of money into a global company, that promised them great business opportunities in Sri Lanka. Diana and Ivan were hooked. After some time, the business collapsed before their eyes, stripping them of all hope. Again. Not for too long though. Ivan got himself involved in this thing called "forex trading". A friend of his, who lives in Slovenia is a successful money-magnet, one could say. He promised Ivan to be his mentor. To guide him into financial freedom. Ivan loves the idea of being financially free. He is certain it is his birth-right. Just as it is everyone else's. As Ivan was walking towards the bus-station, he was regretting his stupidity and delusional thoughts. He knew he should stop or else he would go too far into the Maze. He focused on his breath. On all the birds singing. On the Sun and the pleasant wind. The sound of the waves. The passing locals. He was smiling to every one of them. Slowly merging with the present moment. Ivan desires to express himself now: Diana and me, we went through 2 years of a mixture of heaven and hell. Feels like it was 20. At least. It was messy, psychotic, draining and crushing. Nevertheless, it was also blissful, fun, thrilling, unusual, expensive and full of love. Love unlike any felt before. IT'S THE REAL DEAL. That's why we both rolled up our spiritual sleeves, right from the get go and started grinding toward the perfect versions of ourselves. For each-other - as a gift, for ourselves - as a must. We somehow ended up in Sri Lanka. Dfaq?! I remember having the idea. I also remember trying my best to realize it. But I have no freaking idea why I had the idea to come here. It just seemed obviously right then. Now, it's a bit different story. Sri Lanka ended up suckin' balls in a lot of ways. The monks are not what I expected (of course) , the whole Buddhism thing seems off and brainwashy, no trace of enlightenment or real spirituality. There is dirt, trash (a lot of it), smell, ignorance and GREED everywhere. Before we came here, in my head it seemed like we'll be OK with these things. It's not like we had no clue about anything what's here. But I do fancy taking huge blind leaps of faith and I don't like over-planing stuff. Where's the fun in that? So it is what it is now. Took a while, but we got used to everything and even came to love it. I can easily walk though the hustle and bustle of the city, without doing any spiritual Kung Fu. I can honestly love everything and everybody. No thoughts about it. Nevertheless, I do want to take us somewhere else soon. This place is not resonating with us, that is a fact. I have been noticing signs pointing in the direction of Malaysia and I honestly feel like trading is the missing link. I'm excited about it. And I came to love analyzing and speculating. It sits right with me. It must be it! I'll do everything to make it so! It is our ticket! We cannot be struggling anymore. There is no point in it anymore. As I entered the bus, I got super contracted again. A bit claustrophobic and panicky. People like to stare here, which does not bother me usually. What bothers me is when I tune into the collective thoughts and emotions. The buses here are as crowded as one can imagine. There is no space for air. And my stomach was so contracted, I could not breath through it, not a chance. I skipped breakfast and lunch again. Only coffee and cigarettes. So irresponsible. As I exited, I noticed an even more chaotic atmosphere than usual. More traffic, more crowd. There seemed to be some sort of a protest going on. There was a stage in the middle of the main road and a guy yelling on the top of his lungs something into a mic. The speakers were close to catching fire. I merged with the crowd and made my way to the ATM. THE STORY SAYS: On his way back from the ATM, Ivan was present, Ivan was absent. He approached two random Sri Lankans. He asked them what is happening. "A protest against democracy" -the two replied. Ivan smiled and continued his way towards the station. He then remembered he wanted to "make it up" to his love, Diana. Sri Lankan old ladies are selling beautiful flowers in front of the Buddhist temple every day. Ivan approached a lady and prepared 100 rupees. Without a word being said, the lady handed him exactly the flowers he laid his eyes on just seconds before. He also bought spicy peanuts - Diana's favorite. Ivan decided to walk back, as the traffic was very thick, due to the protest. The buses were barely moving. A tuk tuk driver picked him up after a few hundred meters of walking. One last stop at the super-market; buying all the necessities. He then walked back home to give Diana the attention she deserves. Ivan desires to express himself now: I know when I'm a dick-head. I know I do stupid things. I know when to apologize. It is necessary. I wasn't surprised to find Diana already alright when I arrived. She knows how to take care of herself without her idiot boyfriend. She knows how to love herself. But she also fears being disrespected by me. I've done it before. We both showed disrespect to each-other. But we both can see through those things. We cool ya'all. I gave her the flowers, the peanuts and her favorite dark chocolate. I was forgiven. Love and unity were present again. Rolled a joint; we love to smoke and chill, read and talk. I felt I needed to eat or else I'd collapse any time. But I still had the urge to express my non-dual discoveries and create some sort of an understanding for myself. I also felt like I was in desperate need of attention on that topic in particular. You could say I felt like a dirty attention slut, yes. I ate 3 eggs, some bread and 4 sausages. Can't afford no fancy food at the moment. After the meal; back to the forum - my new favorite hanging place. And also classroom; not to offend anyone. I came across this section. "Digital journal, ay?" - I thought. This might be exactly what I needed. I never bothered writing an actual journal before. When I did, I was a kid and I'd stop after a few days. Music took way too much of my focus. I had no time for that non-sense, pls. BUT THIS. This somehow feels right. I love expressing myself through words instead of melodies and rhythms. It's new. It's different. It is now.

Happyness and enlightenment are not necessarily connected. Happyness is just an emotion. An experience. Enlightenment is not an emotion or experience. It's just a boundless freedom or nothingness where there's no suffering. There're ways to generate happyness very fast. Like kundalini, kriya or some tao techneques can get you into brain orgasms very much but it's not enlightenment. It's not freedom. It's just an emotion. It depends what kind of practices you do. Being happy is not a big achievement actually. It's the most basic thing.

A total disidentification is hard to achieve in pratice. Most people who have some kind of awakening will not fully realize the extent of the Nothingness. A realization of no-self is not the end of the game. There is yet deeper. I have no idea about Teal Swan speficially, I'm just speaking more broadly. I think many paranormally inclined folks have a hard time fully transcending the subtle paranornal realm. But in the end, it is all still form. Just a subtle version of the gross material realm. There is the gross material realm, the subtle realm, and then finally what is called casual nondual. At the very end all identification of any kind is erased. But how many people will actaulize that? Not many. It is definitely possible to realize that you were never even born. By that point, what is there to identify with? Your ultimate nature is pure emptiness. But of course it's still great to do stuff like introspection a out your personality, or to integrate shadow aspects, etc. Psychological work is still very useful for everyday life even though it is not your true ultimate nature.

I don't know. I feel I understand this logcally very easy, without any awakenings. 1 is something. It exists. It's tangable, it's physcial. You can hold it your hands. 0 also exists. But you can't hold it in your hands. It's nothingness. But it exists. It's a thing but not a physical thing. Like space. Space is also non physical but without space nothing would be possible.