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Eversynce my kundalini awakening journey started, I started losing my ability to focus, I feel withdrawn from everyday life, sometimes its difficult for me to answer questions because I dont understand what someone is saying eventhough they are speaking absolutely clearly, I have difficulty focusing on logical tasks such as maths or statistics, or reading difficult text. After awakening, did you guys regain your ability to focus properly, or does it stay like this? There is belief that my ego doesnt wanna surender because it wants to maintain its ability to analyze logically and follow reason., and ia afraid that its gonna lose it completely if it lets go.

@Jedd Here is a list of kundalini awakening symptoms: From my experience kundalini is not awakened only with yoga. You can use sound healing and it Will still be very beneficial.

@EyeOfTheStorm If you haven't checked it out already, I recommend Leo's wonderful video about strange loops, as such strange loops are a perfect example and symbol of the paradox of awakening, in that they seem to have two separate sides of an apparent duality, which in actuality are the same side, and exist in unity. So if one imagines being on one side, let's call it the unawakened state, it seems as if the other side is the opposite of that, and somehow difficult to attain, and one wonders how to get to the other side, that there must be some magic trick to it. And so one diligently traverses the 'unawakened' side, ever hopeful of finding the secret of getting to the 'awakened' side, not realizing that there are never actually two sides. That it was the same side all along. There is only the state of being what you never actually were not, except insofar as it is strangely imagined to be otherwise. And then one may have a good laugh about it! This is what Ramana Maharshi meant when he said: "There is no greater mystery than this: always being Reality, we seek to attain Reality. We think that there is something hiding Reality and rather it must be overcome before the Reality is gained. It is ridiculous. A day will dawn when you will laugh at all your past efforts. That which will be the day you laugh is also here and now." Meanwhile, it's hard to go wrong with some consistent self-inquiry in quiet contemplation, and practicing compassion ... and just keep on traversing the strange loop that only apparently has two sides.

@Cameron Just because there is a loss of fear of death, doesn't mean that there is a loss of appreciation for life. In any true examples of the awakened state, there seems to be an awakening of the heart that compels one toward a life of compassion, to be a clear example of what is possible. So in that sense, there is perhaps more reason to live and love than ever. And whenever the death of the body-form comes, as it inevitably will, then it can be accepted with equanimity and grace, knowing that it was a life lived well fulfilled. I'm not seeing how some pointless death would serve that cause.

I don't think it'll make you trip more effectively. It's just that the combined energy from nofap plus a strong psychedelic might be enough to awaken your kundalini. Basically, it takes a certain amount of energy for that to happen. One can try to do it via practicing kundalini yoga or whatnot, but the shaktipat master I've worked with says that's pretty much futile. One can do it via shaktipat where the guru transfers some of his energy to you, to cross the treshold. Even with shaktipat though certain practices are necessary. The psychedelics + nofap is just another combo that I know to have worked for a friend of mine. He did Ayahuasca and had been on nofap for a couple months. Two other friends/aquaintances, one of them did 5-MeO on top of Ayahuasca, which is dangerously stupid and damaged his heart, but his Kundalini awakened. He didn't really know anything about Kundalini until after that event when he started searching what's going on with him. The other did 5-MeO multiple times (was a follower of Martin Ball), don't know if he was on nofap or not. He also had a pretty rough ride but he's doing better now. I would caution though that doing too many psychedelics might be damaging - the friend who did 5meO has problems with excess salivation. He went on to learn how to assess people's energy and said Martin Ball's upper chakras were damaged, which would explain why his state doesn't correspond to any of the states of enlightenment people go through according to several maps. So psychedelics can be hazardous to the energetic system it seems.

A shaktipat initiation. And while someone here has mentioned it only works for a small number of people, from what I've observed that is not true. I only have experience with Jan Esmann's initiation but it seems to have worked for a vast majority who got it. He also says trying to awaken kundalini through yoga practice alone is next to impossible. Secondly, I know some people whose kundalini awakened from 5-MeO DMT, regular DMT or Ayahuasca, more reliable when combined with abstaining from ejaculation for a couple months. Compared to shaktipat their kundalini process started off with much greater speed and unpleasantness.

Its like you took the words right out of my mouth. It’s nice to see people with similar struggles and concerns. This is definitely something I have been dealing with as I realized if I don’t breakaway from the herd I’ll never grow. I made a choice about 10 years ago when I was 25 ... since then I’ve made leaps and bounds in terms of career and life successes. But I have to say it’s been a lonely journey most of the time. I wish I could find friendships and relationships that encourages, supports and build each other up more. Often times I find I can never have deep conversations with people ... and they are often intimidated or feel threatened if you discuss anything that challenges their reality. They’d rather party and get drunk. Still not sure what to do about it right now but it’s my goal / focus next year to try and figure this out now that I’ve gotten my life purpose nailed down this year (with Leo’s program). Maybe look for people who are more spiritually awakened. Good luck mate. And if anyone has figured this out, please respond

@Principium Nexus You can still talk like a normal person when you're enlightened. It is possible to realize the absolute. If realization is the Absolute is what you'd call Enlightenment, then there's no issue in saying you're enlightened. I'm not Enlightened yet, for instance, but I'm in what I'd consider an awakened state, one that frequently experiences non-duality and is on the verge of stabilizing into an abiding realization. It's no more arrogant for me to claim that I am awakened than it is for me to say that I'm wearing a blue shirt. Are those all just concepts? You bet. But there's no rule saying you can't think or use concepts. Just have insight into what they are. If Enlightenment as you define it means something else to you and is not achievable, then that's what it is for you and by your definition nobody in Enlightened. But keep in mind other people may not be referring to the same thing.

It’s funny that there’s a taboo in this work against saying you’ve awakened. Nobody gets to admit that! Ever! Who made this rule? Why is it enforced all the time? Do I get to choose for myself? Let’s not deny the obvious. There are differences is awareness amongst people. That is very obvious. You do have people that are more awake than others.

Cease being addicted or there will be just another vice to replace it. I find that many who profess to live an awakened life are really just addicted to the pursuit of enlightenment so all they did was change it from one thing to another, not cease it. Some might say well, what's wrong with that? Isn't "enlightenment" good? Except that if the pursuit brings the same angst, anxiety and yearning as every other vice and not bring inner peace it won't produce the results sought. A poignant analogy would be to say that an addicted mindset pursuit of enlightenment is like taking drugs to get sober.

Awakened people have transcended their own nest of misunderstandings & paradigms, the cause of suffering. The very last scene (phone booth) in the Matrix was originally this; "I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I imagine you can also feel me. You won't have to search for me anymore. I'm done running. Done hiding. Whether I'm done fighting, I suppose, is up to you. I believe deep down, we both want this world to change. I believe that the Matrix can remain our cage or it can become our chrysalis, that's what you helped me to understand. That to be truly free, truly free, you cannot change your cage. You have to change yourself. When I used to look out at this world, all I could see was its edges, its boundaries, its leaders and laws. But now, I see another world. A different world where all things are possible. A world of hope. Of peace. I can't tell you how to get there, but I know if you can free your mind, you'll find the way." chrys·a·lis: a quiescent insect pupa, especially of a butterfly or moth. the hard outer case of this, especially after being discarded. a preparatory or transitional state. "He emerged from the chrysalis of self-conscious adolescence" The illusion can be your cage, or it can be your ‘transitional state’. Would it be easier to be Thomas Anderson....or Neo? (RATM??❣️) more importantly Danielson... ...who is The Architect?

Lately I’ve been realizing more and more how deep and extensive culture is. Even things that we think are immune to culture like Science or Knowledge or the True/false Paradigm are really just extensions of culture. Is it necessary for us to purify ourselves of this culture? If so, how do we go about doing so? Thought Experiment: Imagine you got to live out the rest of your days on an isolated island with no human contact, where you were trained to provide for yourself with the resources thereon. How important to you would Science, Knowledge, or the True/ false Paradigm be? This is in service of raising awareness, obviously even awakened people are gonna value the useful cultural achievements from a pragmatic point of view. But I don’t think people realize how extensively culture is trapping them from becoming more awake. How can you raise this kind of awareness? Psychedelics, world travel, contemplation, studying the history of world ideas are useful in raising this kind of awareness, but are they enough, and what more can we do?

That would have been funny! No I intuitively knew what was happening, I jsut htought it was something that happened to all people who meditated. So you could say the trigger was meditation but thats not really accurate. I did meditate, and kundalini did awaken... would kundalini had awakened even if I never meditated? Probably yes. It was something you would call a destiny. I was in a 2-3 month long period of deep depression and grief.

@OBEler I did absolutely nothing. It woke up spontaneously. At that point I had no idea what spirituality was. First almost year of the journey I didnt even know the signifiicance of it. Awakened kundalini will fully enlighten you in the process of purging out the ego out of your nervous system. Which is not kundalini yoga. Kundalini yoga is just a practice. I have no idea what potential it has to awaken kundalini. This should be answered by someone more knowledgable about these topics such as @Leo Gura

Leo talks about this issue in the video. Just because the paradigm of Materialism is false doesn’t take away the patterns that the experiences have . In other words, the experiences still obey certain patterns. For example, if you don’t protect the brain, you will experience the appearances of living with brain damage. Even dreams have this kind of structure amongst the appearances as Leo mentions in the video. Even after you are awakened a bunch, you can’t just fly through walls now. But that doesn’t mean the paradigm of Materialism is true. No paradigm is ever true. That’s the deeper issue you gotta grok.

Over history, do you think a scientist has ever figured out a new clever way to actually test what was then untestable? Would this be an example? : A few hundred years ago illnesses were thought to have "supernatural" causes. The current scientific paradigm and lack of methodology prevented scientists from testing alternative hypotheses. Then, a scientist figured out how to create a microscope which led to the discovery of microbes such as bacteria and viruses. Hmmm, this is a different perspective of "intelligence". It is like the cube illusion you posted. For a while, all I could see was a small cube in a box. Then, a large cube with a corner missing. Here, "intelligence" is generally viewed as a product of the ego/self. "I" am intelligent. "He" is more intelligent than "Her". Yet, if we acknowledge the self is illusionary, there is no self to be intelligent. Most scientists would still take a 3rd person perspective that "intelligence" can be reduced to physical synapses. Yet, if one opens their mind to a "mysterious" source of the intelligence (nothingness, infinite consciousness etc) it is a game-changer. . . I would say the physical brain is necessary for the cleverness I use, yet perhaps it is insufficient. . . Are you familiar with the Two Slit and Eraser experiments in quantuum physics? The results were "shocking" to scientists since it refuted a scientific paradigm. There is just now way for me to reconcile the results with a traditional scientific framework. I'd be one of those people who needs to hear it. Could you recommend a reading / video that may provide me some more insight regarding epistemic and metaphysical errors of most scientists.? I think I would be more receptive to someone who has an understanding of science and became awakened with a new perspective. Btw, I will be teaching a neuroscience course for the first time next semester. It could be quite interesting. . .

It's interesting how people interpret my intentionally open ended comment and it seems there are some who seem to act as if a materialist boogeymen is under the bed waiting to dash their mystical dreams or maybe I'm misinterpreting other's comments. Although if the mind were open enough my comment can be interpreted in any number of ways. It is also interesting you view "everyday life" as cementing a zombified stupor of unconsciousness.... you are aware that you create this for yourself by thinking it so, aren't you? This is a belief based paradigm constructed from a duality mindset... you are welcome to free yourself from it's influence and effect at any time. For my own experience I find the ripples of awakened consciousness in every facet of life no matter how tediously everyday it may be....but alas everyone can do what they will with their own experiences.

http://www.poehm.com/en/list-of-enlightened-people/ David Hawkins † Born in June 1927, died September 2012. US American who worked successfully as a psychologist. After his awakening David Hawkins has been completely withdrawing from public into solitude for 7 years. After that, he had to learn interpersonal behavior again in order to be able to "interact normally" with people. Mario Mantese Mario Mantese is one of the best-known living enlightened people in Switzerland. He previously played bass in the internationally successful soul group Heatwave. After a gala evening in London, he was attacked and stabbed with a knife in his heart by a stranger. Waking up from a coma in which he was wandering through the afterlife, he realized that he was enlightened. Although unable to walk and his articulation affected, Mario Mantese (also called master M) has frequently over 1800 visitors at once at meetings held in Switzerland. Mantese has the reputation for performing true miracles. In his books he reported in addition to healing also about being present in several places or that he has commanded the clouds in a thunderstorm to create a rain-free corridor in which he and his companions went home without getting their feet wet. There are reports that he opened car doors without a key or commanded retractable barriers to rise. In a report he describes where he appears a woman, flooded in light and three times his body sizes. Sai Baba † 1926 - 2011. Indian Guru, who is believed to be able to do miracles. Above all materializing. He practiced that over and over again in his events: suddenly objects would appear in his hands. Karl Renz The “veteran” of enlightened people. In 1979, he became enlightened during his sleep. Isira Good looking Australian. She had her first awakening with 16 while she was raped. In her death struggle she realized that the man raping her is pure love. From that moment on he refrained from her. Barbara Voedisch She lives in Chiemgau, Germany. In her youth she was raped two times. She became enlightened after receiving the last information of her third channeled book, without previous contact to masters or spiritual books. Byron Katie Before her enlightenment, she lived in the hardest despair, self-accusation and depression. Besides Eckhart Tolle, she is one of the rare enlightened ones who, end of the 80's, from a dire mental condition became enlightened without any previous contact to spirituality Suzanne Segal † American 1955 until 1997. The astounding thing happened to her: while waiting at a bus station in Paris, she all of a sudden lost her “I”, but she didn’t know how to take that state, so she was helplessly sent from one psychiatrist to another. She suffered from states of tremendous anxiety because they tried to treat her state as something pathological. Only at the end of her life she realized that "enlightenment" had happened to her. Yolande Duran French (born 1963), who suddenly experienced enlightenment without any previous contact to spirituality. In contrast to Eckhart Tolle or Byron Katie she did not go through a valley of depression, worst self-accusation and suicidal thoughts. She was a normal woman, who, one day in the summer 2003, out of the blue, in her living room at home, stopped thinking - the silence came nevermore to return. Two months after this experience her only son died in a car accident and everyone around her thought she had been in a deep state of shock because they could not see any crying, collapse, or sorrow - but in truth she was inwardly unmoved by this death. Richard (Rick) Linchitz † US American 1947 – 2013: He was a physician and passionate athlete, until he got a diagnosis of lung cancer. His success-oriented life plunged into a deep crisis. He could not continue to practice neither as a doctor, nor sports nor playing the caring family father. In his great despair, he threw himself with all his energy in the spiritual search for enlightenment. He attended countless spiritual teachers and visited spiritual and awakened masters in India. One day teacher Satyam Nadeen told him at a retreat in Costa Rica "Consciousness is all there is - and you are that" and he awoke. His body healed inexplicably.

It's interesting that the Buddha got awakened by witnessing the suffering of others. So it seems that suffering can lead to disillusionment either way.

I am 19. I am an IV heroin/cocaine addict since 15. Those two are the most crippling of my many addictions. I have restarted an amazing prescription drug called Suboxone yesterday, and whilst getting back into the practice of self actualization (see previous posts—I used to be somewhat active on here before my relapse), I started studying Leo’s videos again. I have thoroughly attempted the 12 step program, studied the Alcoholics Anonymous textbook (a collection of stories of the pioneers of AA and how it came about, what it is what is it’s purpose and then more stories of recovered addicts/alcoholics are enclosed) I have also been forced by rehabs to attend literally hundreds, possibly a thousand or so meetings, I have to speak up for 12 steps, though I am on the fence about if it’s for me still. In his video titled “Overcoming Addiction- The Root Cause of Every Addiction” starting at around 33:00, Leo begins speaking, seemingly from inexperience and misinformation about 12 step programs. I felt that he did not even read the actual twelve steps before making this statement about twelve step programs. “You can enroll in a twelve step program...” False- you do not enroll in a twelve step program. You just go to a meeting (usually in the basement of a church) and sit down, it’s free. U can opt to make that meeting ur “home group”, but u only sign ur first name on a loosely kept and rarely ever checked list usually written on some piece of loose leaf kept in a folder. “...and they’ll give you a lot of great techniques and that will be great...” I honestly cannot think of one technique for breaking addiction other than the one solution they offer you, which is living by the twelve steps. That’s literally the only technique. And it is a spiritual way of life, not a technique. “..but they don’t give you the big picture because they don’t understand it themselves...” “Your mission is not just to quit an addiction, and that’s the only real mission that a 12 step program will give you, they’ll say ‘okay let’s have you quit this addiction, and then we’ll replace this bad addiction with some good addictions” Completely utterly false. Having read, studied, been taught and lived the entire AA program in the past, I can assure you this is entirely 100% false. They only teach you about the twelve steps. They say by surrendering to a higher power (the universe, god, etc) and by ridding yourself of all the negative character defects primarily FEAR, EGOTISM/SELF CENTEREDNESS, LYING, ANGER, etc and by undoing all of your wrong doings wherever possible, and then by practicing meditation and prayer “to increase our conscious contact with God as we understood him” and the main part of what they say solves an addiction: Literally the main part, and Leo literally teaches this...it’s literally the last step... “Having has a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF THESE STEPS, we carried our message to other alcoholics and practiced these PRINCIPLES in ALL of our AFFAIRS. The program simplified down is this: “Get help from spiritually awakened people, and then when you yourself are spiritually awakened through living these spiritual principles we are about to show you how to live, THEN you help someone who is currently suffering in what your shoes felt like when you came in” He goes onto say “there’s a very big difference between playing defense and playing offense, in a twelve step program you’re playing defense you’re not playing offense. You’re not trying to become the best human being you can possibly be [uhmmmm no these suffering addicts literally are trying through these steps I see them try so hard I literally was just trying for my life to reach apotheosis while in a twelve step phase] Defense can be good, but it’s not as good as what I’m telling you here. You can take the techniques from the twelve step program [you actually can’t, it’s literally ‘dedicate your life to living under the spiritual principles we lay out, or you can leave on your own accord and try it your way again’] but have the mission to be self actualized. But what you are telling people there is simply wrong. And it’s kind of hurtful to those in AA. And the whole video was great, and I truly respect love and honor you Leo, but I feel as though I have a duty to all those who’ve helped me in twelve steps, almost as if they were giving their life to help save mine, and to carry their message to this other SPIRITUAL group, and correct this incorrect info Leo said in this video. Though Leo and Actualized.org lean far left hand path, and AA more-so the right hand path, let’s look at the similarities...starting with the leaders. One was named Bill Wilson and one is Leo Gura. Both are very into psychedelic compounds. Bill Wilson had his first spiritual awakening with the Belladonna Treatment in a hospital, where he saw a white light and immediately had a spiritual experience while tripping. He immediately wrote down his experience and came up with the program and over half of the twelve steps. He right away began helping people in the very hospital he came in for treatment, and essentially tasted enlightenment. He then went on to HEAVILY experiment with a little known compound called LSD, and tripped numerous times for SPIRITUAL PURPOSES with some of the greatest minds of the time, one being Aldous Huxley, author of The Doors of Perception. Both mess around with consciousness work and mystical experiences. Bill was adept at meditation and was into ouija and channeling, and supposedly channeled the twelve steps from a spirit monk that claimed to be a deceased monk during a seance in his home, he held seances a lot. Bill got into what they called back then “witchcraft”. Both use a triangle as their symbol...which AA describes its spiritual meaning and how each side represents a certain thing. Both groups are just people looking for help, both groups encourage growing to your apex. Idk I’m just trying to say that AA, though a basic spiritual program compared to more left hand paths. He goes on to say “don’t quit ur drug because of a negative reason [trying to say AA gives u a negative reason to quit] you need a positive reason. And the most positive reason is to become self actualized. It’s not about fixing problems it’s about living life to it’s fullest. This is a very different attitude...” AA gives you both. They say if you don’t transform, you will stay stuck in your addiction, and that only leads to jails, institution, insanity, and death. But they literally prove to u how people can come from being so broken to living a truly spiritual life and even help others. It is almost entirely a spirtual, semi religious group, that seems to outsiders like it’s not spirtual, in order to attract people who want nothing to do with God or spirituality (drug addicts) The goal of the program, is FREEDOM. not from just your addiction, but from your ego and negativity. opioids (and to a large part in this order amphetamines/cocaine/prescription pills and alcohol...but especially opioids...) are a HUGE issue in this country, and it’s taking the nation by storm faster than ever before. So when an addict goes to rehab, literally 90% of rehabs say if they want to live, to go to a twelve step meeting the day they get out, to raise their hand and ask for help. There is literally a meeting EVERY SINGLE NIGHT you are forced to attend at the rehab where outside speakers who have been through the twelve steps. I advocate for SMARTrecovery as well, but twelve steps can truly transform you from the inside out if you choose to live by it. This one Leo was totally wrong on and it needed to be addressed. 1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Why do people who believe they don't have free will choose to tell others they don't have it either? I guess they have no choice and are subject to the unconscious mind's impulses. Attempting to stop the mind from thinking is like attempting to stop the heart from beating. Why? It's what it naturally does. Although, I would liken the exercise of awakened contemplation to conscious breathing, we can intentionally cease for a short time but eventually we pass out from the lack of oxygen to our brain and the body resumes breathing when we aren't actively preventing it from doing so. In a similar way we can try to not think but when we aren't looking the unconscious mind springs forth with impulses in many forms. Since we cannot see the unconscious mind doing it's thing it is only once it rises to the conscious mind that we notice it. So our work is to be aware of the machinations of the mind and observe them, not try to stop it from doing what it naturally does. By being aware of what stirs in the mind we can cease to be influenced by the mind's unconscious impulses which are past experience and choose to be present in the experience of what is happening now. By being attentive to the present moment we are creating the pattern of being present in our unconscious mind to recall at another time. So at that other time will we reminisce about being present in a past time? Will we just remember us being present in a past moment or will we be present in the moment we have to be in now? It's our choice....or is it?

My assumption is that Jesus was a real person. He was indeed crucified. Jesus did not really die. He went back to the east. He died at old age buried in Kashmir. Some say he was a yogic master and he poses psychic abilities. I believe this is true since the Bible seems to show us that he is spiritually awakened. Becoming enlightened really does tune a person's energy therefore making acess psychic abilities much easier. All of healing miracles are true Walk on water is true. Resurrecting a person from death is true Catching fishes miracle is true The one miracle I wasnt quite sure to be true is multiplying bread and fish

When I entered Samadhi, and stayed for fifteen days, I did not know what was happening. I came in naturally. I did not ask, I did not ask. And from what I remember I was never afraid to be mad or mad. Then I realized how many people should be in hospices for not being able to deal with this awakened state. I am awakened that we are God and that there is a Higher Deity. This is very clear from experience. Did you experience the awakening of the Self?

If I was totally awakened I wouldnt immerse me in the matrix to rescue people for humanitary sake. Its the same like when christian prophets went to turkey and died dilapidated. I'd just only try to convince someone who has a seeker nature, a genuine hunger for thuth.

Hello I'm new here, this is a great site. I did a search on nightmares and found several different threads so decided to make my first post here, since all of my demon encounters have been in dreams. I had some intense dreams the past few nights, and in the middle of a scary one, I actually remembered something I read on this site about bad trips and how they can be good learning experiences, so I thought maybe that's true of dreams also. So I kind of made myself stay in the dream for a bit longer than usual. Then last night I had a really scary one, and instead of looking away from the monster in the dream, I just stared at its face and then I became the monster. Usually I wake up terrified, or I just cower in fear till the dream ends, so this time I noticed that I took different attitude during the dream. I don't know if this qualifies as "lucid dreaming" or not. I wasn't in total control, the only thing I remember being in control of was that I chose not to try to look away from the monster's face. I didn't feel as though the demon possessed me, it felt more like I possessed the demon. If indeed I did become possessed, I would say that it wasn't totally horrible; there was a pleasurable aspect to it as well. Then I did all kinds of horrible things as the monster, which I prefer not to go into, and kind of exulted in the evilness of it all, it was as though I was Saruman after having joined the side of Sauron in Lord of the Rings. I might have then awakened and felt like I was a terrible person for indulging in that way, but again I recalled Leo's Rant Against Morality video about not automatically labeling things good or evil. And then I felt less guilty, and now I chalk it up to a super realistic kind of role play, or like if you play a video game and you choose to be the villain character. Although I'd prefer not to have these kinds of dreams on a regular basis, LOL.