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this is where a lot intellectual nitpicking can take place but they are rarely helpful for a sincere seeker. There are teachers like Nisargadatta who made distintions like abiding as the ''i am" and going beyond the "i am" into the absolute which he marked as prior to Consciousness. There are teachers like winternight who talk about the Self, but it doesn't feel like a conventional I - and yet, you are still you! You haven't become a new thing all of the sudden or your substance hasn't vanished. In fact you are now more really you than you've ever been! And on the other hand there are statements like "i am that i am", i am is all there is, Consciousness is the sole Reality etc. This also boils down to Consciousness vs Unconsciousness debate. Like, is Consciousness really the Absolute or is the Absolute prior to consciousness? Basically we can see that these people are really talking about the same thing. It just seems flat out contradictory due to how these words like i, i am, consciousness, absolute etc are defined in those particular contexts. So a seeker engaged in self inquiry doesn't have to entangle in that confusing debate. The investigation will end in seeing the rope clearly. Then it doesn't matter if you call it a rope or fooking lion lol. And I agree with you on this one. Bliss or one's own subjective realization is the only test of enlightenment. Thats why it's impossible to really know if other beings exist or not, let alone deciding if they are enlightened or not haha

@Preetom No sorry, can't agree with what you wrote. That is still one step removed from the real thing. The "I am" itself merges back into its source and effortless grace replaces it. Of course that might be the case in your experience, can't tell from text, but if you are still searching, then you still got that one last step to take. If not, then great! Enjoy the bliss.

@ajasatya @Nahm Its been some time now. Ive snapped out of those thought patterns, but know I would like to ask a couple questions. Why was it so terrifying? I was expecting it to be euphoria and bliss, but instead I got the most fearful and horrifying experience of my life. My sense of self was split into many and I was sure I heard the what was suppose to be the devil himself speak to me. He said I would regret enlightenment. He made believe enlightenment = awakening = hell, that it was a trap. And so before I could go higher I stopped myself. It was just too much. Had I not stopped it I would have gone insane. (I grew up catholic and became atheist later in life, is this some manifestation of some unconscious regret?) The existential horror was immeasurable. This experience really put me in the hole spiritually. I am afraid to meditate, and I can't sleep unless I'm drugged. Ive been meditating for years, I never would have thought this was the way my journey would end.

@Leo GuraJust thought of something else that I would like to mention to you. I thought you can't get beyond the absolute. The absolute means that "you" are God. When "you" become God, that means that you're the No-self; then you make a transformation into everythingness, and then you ride the ox back into your ego (& world) with bliss, indicating that this world is the "to love realm." You can't get beyond this. That's what I thought. Once you are back into your ego, you have to observe your surrounding circumstances. Are you in adversity? Because I noticed that ppl who report the absolute without inducing it were in an adverse time in their lives. I was. I realized this. A war was taking place outside of where I lived. I was hiding while ppl outside were being stabbed to death. In my case, it reminds me of a metaphoric saying of Jesus, "Jesus, it's nice to finally meet you. Tell me something. When I look at this map of my life, you were always walking beside me. Why is it that in the most difficult time in my life I'm all alone? I can only see my footprints on this map? You're not walking beside me anymore." Then Jesus replied, "those are not your footprints. They're mine. That's when I carried you." The last line of the Jesus quote reminds me of Riding the Ox Backwards, when "you" are carried back into your ego by "yourself" because you're still one with God while making that transformation. And Leo, I'm also wondering, since you mentioned these things in your videos... What does experiencing the absolute have anything to do with brain chemistry? What does it have to do with being more spiritually "blessed?" To me, it has to do with a lot of factors. Maybe one of them being the decisions you make in your life.

There is profound truth to this statement. Conventional 'life' as we know it is 100% ignorance and delusion. Yet the paradox is when one wakes up, it is realized there was no veiling in the first place. Such a sick joke ? be Echart tolle and wonder at the middle of the night "wait a minute. How many me are there? Am i one or many?" While listening to the distant passing train. Then sleep while being sucked into a vortex without resisting. Next morning, wake up enlightened as fuck. Seeing oneness in everything and wandering in the streets. Then spend 2 years in a park bench in bliss while occasionally people poking you about the secret of your happiness. Then write a bestseller book regarding power of now and all that good shit, make millions and spend the rest of your life in affluence while living the game of a successful guru in the satsang circuits

I've heard this before. It doesn't make sense to me. You're suggesting that I do something. Who are you speaking to? Awareness or lister? Because awareness cannot do anything. It does not follow. It is choicless and is ever present and still. So the entity that is going to follow IS the mind itself. I've heard David Godman say a similar thing, and even he doesn't seem to understand it. Secondly, the mind or world need not disappear for me to feel the bliss of freedom. As soon as I was able to discriminate between awareness and the objects I was free. The world and mind continue to be there, and the mind continues to create it's turmoil and doing. But it now knows it's in a dream and has no control over the dream (phenomenal world). So it is relaxed because it's coming to terms with its destiny.

@Lister None of that. All this occurs in the waking hours. When you are asleep, the world, the body, or mind does not exist. There is no subject nor an object for awareness to exist either. Yet you remain, wide awake, immersed in bliss. Why is it that you don't have access to that bliss now, during the waking hours? What has occurred?

@Jkris Thought “separate” of infinite emotion (Love/Truth) will continually attempt resolution 24/7. Thought can not resolve thought. All thought is relative, and can go on in circular fashion making distinctions forever, because thought’s unknown underlying true nature is infinite. All thinking is false, relative & groundless - a ‘cover story’, or veil, to actuality; because finite can not encapsulate infinite. The basis of emotion is Love / Truth. Infinitely self aware. Imposing finite onto actual will never feel whole. Thinking, observance of separate, can go on forever. You are Love, Infinite & Truth. Awareness is infinite, creating the appearance of relative / finite, in forgetting this. The deepest, or final illusion is, “breathing sustains ‘alive’”. Meditate, go to this breathing and stay there. Thought will organically purge, emotion also will purge. Infinite awareness will purge all finite thought & emotional falsity & misinterpretations. Love is always loving you. Truth is always you. Purification is always happening. This happens to completion upon ‘death’, but there is no need to wait. “Waiting” is resistance, subtle and suffrage. The collapse of alive and death is Truth. Meditation is the Way. All finite (thought) which you have “applied”, or over-laid upon Self (infinite), will be purged, and you will be purified (Truth). The best of both worlds, is no world. The best of no worlds, is this world. Meditation is the Way. Bliss is not either, but the middle.

Ego is not an intrinsic part of being human. Ego is much more like culture and language. Like culture it is transmitted to 'you' through other people. Like culture it's self perpetuating; 'you' will in turn transmit 'your' ego to others. I can imagine it starts as a baby. People point at you and hold you and give you a name - and in this way you are given a boundary, which is the beginnings of an Ego. There's a 'you' and then there's everything else - 'not you'. So your question is like asking: 'Why do so many people speak English?'. Are English speakers deluded? Probably. There are so many other languages, or you could speak no language at all and live in bliss!

@mandyjw Hi Mandy Well i have had Pure OCD my whole life..obsessive thoughts and mental compulsions. Those of us wired like this tend to get lost in too much thinking and concept. But in some crazy way (no pun intended lol) i noticed that at the time we are deeply spiritual and sensitive..and loving. When our OCD isn't giving us monkey mind on steroids we actually can be quite spiritually gifted. Its a very interesting paradox or duality if you will. That said...when i had my enlightenment experience as I've talked about a lot on this forum it was pure certainty. OCD melted away. It was pure bliss. So i would say that yeah it's in our nature to be pulled away from actuality (spirituality which includes meditation) to getting lost in concept whether for good or ill. So i think there needs to be a balance and i would encourage you to try and not lose that balance between actuality - Being with a capital B - ie formlessness and form. There needs to be a sort of unification of the two which of course requires the spiritual work. So keep on chugging Nice to talk to you as well i will check out your actualize me post on the other section as well..it looked interesting.

This is a good place to be in. The same bliss that is prevalent in dreamless sleep is present in the waking hours, only one doesn't notice it. So the question is not how to replicate this bliss, but WHY you already don't notice it? What occurs in waking that doesn't in sleep? The answer is the "I-thought" or thoughts in general. You only have to realize that you are not the "I" who you think you are. That will grant you enough clarity to recognize the bliss.

@tecladocasio On absolute Love. . . This is the type of thing that is conceptual candy for my mind. I hear a lot of spiritually advanced beings speaking of awakening / enlightenment / beingness as Love. The closet I can describe what has arisen from deeper absolute / nondual is “nothing”. The closest I can describe the experience at the human level is a sense of “ISness”. When I call it love, peace, bliss etc. my sense is that I am taking one step away from that ISness. Yet that step away feels very good to my mind-body. Regarding love. . . rather than using the term “absolute”, what resonates better with my mind-body is the term/concept of “trans-personal” love. This is an essence of love that transcends a psychological self. That description feels right to my mind-body at this time and what my mind-body is embodying. I feel a strong pull toward exploring that beingness. . . That’s just where my mind-body is at now. Who knows, maybe new insights will arise in this area as life unfolds. ?‍♂️

No it's doenst. You're not grasping what I'm saying. Let me try a different pointer. When enlightened masters like me and nahm say that everyone is enlightened or that there are no enlightened beings, we mean that everything that exists is enlightenment. All people are the enlightened mind at whatever level of mind or state or delusion they are. This means that life itself is God, the movement, the struggle itself, the delusion, the growth, going to work, striving to survive is enlightenment. Chop wood, carry water. Only this time it's basking in the background knowing that it's all perfection. Don't confuse enlightenment with a self improvement state where there are no problems or death or issues or highs or lows. That's what you are doing, you're waiting for IT to happen and be in absolute bliss. It doesn't work that way. But ironically bliss comes with the realization.

I've been giving this a lot of contemplation. This is in reference to post eniightenment in which a new duality is created. The spiritual realm, or formlessness (Being) and the form. The 2nd part of the journey, as Leo has pointed out in his Self inquiry episode as well as his most recent episode on dualities Is to achieve a permanent non-dual state by embodying both the dual and the non-dual simultaneously. In other words being fully conscious all the time in your everyday mundane life of Absolute Truth (Non-duality) and that you are God. That everything is Divine and that you are everything. Achieving this state however is easier said than done. You can be fully woke but easily fall back into your dualistic perspective as you go about your everyday life. As was the case for me recently. This takes work to fix. And it is more nuanced than that. When i first awoke the spiritual realm was Total. As that began to fade over the next few weeks i was walking around with one foot in the spiritual realm and one foot in the ego, metaphorically speaking. I was me, but everyone and everything i saw i was completely conscious that was God itself looking out and experiencing itself. And that i was in the mind of God which i created. It was pure bliss because a part of me was still in the spiritual realm..it wasn't just me consciously telling myself this as a concept. And yet i was still me. That state was IT! That state of fusion! That's where one needs to be permanently! For a combination of Ego backlash and time eventually brought this state to an end and over the past few months i have beek kind of wandering around..doing the work but not enough to get me back to this state. So this is where i am in my journey and I'm going to be doubling down on my work to get back there. I just wanted to get Leo's and anyone else who is at this stage's input on this if you can share if this is the state you are referring to. You see there has to be a fusion - not one or the other. Because with just the spiritual realm that is death itself - your ego is totally dissolved at that point. Cannot be in this state alone permanently without death. Amd when you come back your back in the ego and then you have a duality. You have to be in both simultaneously.

Chapter 279 t̲̲̲̅̅̅r̲̅e̲̲̅̅m̅e̲̲̅̅n̅d̲̲̅̅o̅u̲̲̅̅s̅ s̲̲̲̅̅̅p̲̅i̲̲̅̅r̅i̲̲̅̅t̅u̲̲̅̅a̅l̲̅̅ e̲̲̲̅̅̅x̲̅p̲̲̅̅e̅r̲̲̅̅i̅e̲̲̅̅n̅c̲̲̅̅e̅ There are 2 concepts here, in the moment and out of the moment. So when you are out of the moment, you are essentially disempowered. And when you are in the moment, you feel the energy of self. That is your energy gets scattered the more you are out of the moment. The intense self love comes partially from self pity or sympathy for self. Like you feel that you are the victim of life, that life is suffering and when you die, you are released from this jail, you see yourself as someone who has been through too much and that's where you feel self love. You see yourself as a third person. Signs of spiritual awakening.. This one recurrent theme in spirituality will be feeling, "don't take life too seriously,".... This is a short journey that the soul has to complete. When it completes the soul is released into eternity. So essentially you are just wasting time putting your mind to negative things. Judgementalism.. This destroys self love. So one component of self love is self comfort. Where you tell yourself to just relax and that you don't deserve bullies. You kinda comfort your crying. The other component of self love is self expression. Purge it. Vent it. Express also the better parts like desires. The other component of self love is pampering. Pamper yourself once a while, it feels better. The other component is self non judgementalism. Do not judge yourself. Replace judgement with non judgement. Instead of saying, "Im not like that, I don't look pretty, I don't have that talent," say "how does it matter" "so what" "I still deserve". To feel intense self love, When you feel that intense self love, everything begins to come together when you need healing, you need a lot of self love just like a deprived body needs food. How to feel intense self love One way is guided meditation. Visualization accompanied in which mother nature loves you for who you are. And stepwise tells you how much you need to care for yourself. It will show you the difference between a pain body which is you right now, a sufferer, and a free body which is feeling happy and at peace. Not tormented anymore. An aura of black and white imagery, going back to your childhood,, an aura of whitish smoke and white flashes of light all around you. That's where you are a happy free body. When you feel that freedom from your self, you feel joy, happiness and love. Because you are rid of the toxins that are a part of you. Intense self love is to be practiced. Guided meditation. Give attention to yourself. Tell yourself how much you need yourself. Look at your body as separate from your soul and your self. See what your self needs. Care for it. Look at yourself from the third person.. Totally isolate yourself from the rest of the world. Talk to yourself sometimes Listen to what your body says. Express yourself as much as you want. Be a child for a moment and laugh how much you can. How to love yourself is a wrong way to put it. Be kind to yourself . Be accepting of yourself Be connected to yourself. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Feel yourself from within. Feel your soul. Feel the center of your chest. And you will feel like you are sensing your soul there. Then it will feel like a tugging feeling. Then you feel like a motherly or fatherly spirit It felt wonderful. Like someone who deeply cares about me. But it was my own soul. Like someone who understands me and says to me that you have to get better and do better and live better and be happy. It's my own soul. But it does not feel like small, it does not feel like something limited by me, in fact it feels like it's more powerful than me, like it's a part of me, like my dear friend, at the same time it feels like it's higher than me, bigger than me, like a higher self or a higher spirit but wrapped as my soul. It has lot of wisdom. And it is intense. And it's like telling me that other's stuff is none of my business. That it will take care of others, I don't have to worry. It is there for them. So when it is a part of them, it cares for them too. I cannot be the best person to my advise my friend what choice they should make. This higher spirit that is guiding me as my soul will also guide them as their soul. It's like an all protective spirit. But it does not feel like it's separated from me, just like my best friend is not separated from me. But it's not telling me that I should do so and so for humanity. It will only guiding me about myself. In fact it is telling me that the world is none of my business that I have no power over it, that if I did anything good, it's a part of my graciousness but it's not necessary for me to do it. Also it is telling me that I should only care about myself and my loved ones to the extent I can care. It is telling me that the world is not my business but it will take care of the world and I should let it go,. That if any injustice happens in the world that I should not worry that it will take care of it, that I can fight for it, but I can't be almighty and judge and decide what is good for all. It is telling me that I cannot be the almighty self righteous who decides the course of the world, do not be the conveyor of justice or the deliverIt also tells me that it knows what is good for the world and what if bad and what is right for the world or what is best for the world. It is telling me that things are meant to be the way they are and that I am only supposed to find my way through it It is telling me that the world is not my business but it will take care of the world and I should let it go,. That if any injustice happens in the world that I should not worry that it will take care of it, that I can fight for it, but I can't be almighty and judge and decide what is good for all. It is telling me that I cannot be the almighty self righteous who decides the course of the world, do not be the conveyor or dispenser of justice because it warns me against it saying I'm not the one to do it. Like I have no right or authority to do it. It also says that it has that authority and not me so I should leave the job to it and the more I try to draw the authority to myself I'm interfering in his plan which won't be good for me or the world. It is telling me that I might get partial if I get such authority and that I don't have the wisdom it has so I should just stick to myself and my concerns and needs. It also tells me that it knows what is good for the world and what if bad and what is right for the world or what is best for the world. It also tells me that every person's karma will come to them. And that it wants me to live a life free of suffering and be peaceful and happy and child like experience love and bliss right till the end of life and join it later into eternity and there will be total loving peace in eternity with it. It is also telling me that I will be provided for and it will be given if I ask and nothing will be short and I will be given whatever I need but not whatever I want. I will be taken care of. It is telling me that things are meant to be the way they are in this world and that I am only supposed to find my way through it and live my life span happily. It is also telling me that the rules are mundane. That the rewards or pleasures or joys of the world are not that great that I should regret or feel like I'm missing out on something and also that the pain is not that big that I should not live in constant fear of it, like whatever I will suffer it will not be big or something I just can't take, I will only suffer as much as I can suffer so I don't have to worry about that, nothing will be given to me that I cannot handle at all, or I won't be burning in hell in this life or going through hell or be given so much suffering that it will feel like I'm living in hell, no that won't happen, I will be given suffering only as much as my body can take, not like unbearable unimaginable suffering so it tells me that I will be taken care of eventually, and that I should not catastrophize or anticipate suffering because that is just the fear of the mind and not real. It is telling me to stay cool and live life and happy experiences and memories and trust its love for me. And it is also telling me that it will guide me always. It is also telling me that I'm like a seesaw between pain and pleasure. That I should not slide to any extreme on this seesaw and keep myself in balance and not rely too much on the perspectives created by the world and be pure and free of illusions. It also indicated to me that spiritual experiences does not mean that any magical or miracles are going to happen, no they won't happen, there are no miracles of course the situation can get better and one can always ask for more endurance and strength to survive the difficult conditions and yes the soul will help you regain your strength, but nothing is going to the change what happened or change the past, suffering will not go away, no miracles will change a disease or an accident or bring back something that is lost and there will be a designated time when death will occur and the soul will leave the body. There will be self acceptance and endurance of conditions but life will stay the same. The most it does is make you more responsible towards life. But there is some hope. Even if you are in a bad situation and you don't expect any miracles yet your situation can improve, not change completely or miraculously but it can definitely improve the more you connect to this soul experience. And your soul will also give you the strength and endurance to combat your bad circumstances. It is also telling me that it will make a person a better person a more moral, loving, genuine, matured, responsible and spiritual person. It also told me that everyone is equal, and everyone deserves everything equally, no one deserves more or less whether perceived superior or inferior. It said that everyone deserves justice and there should not be any hate for anyone and no wishing of suffering on anyone but only condemnation of what is wrong. Then it said that everything paranormal is just another unexplored dimension of human life and is malicious or unpleasant and has nothing to do with being spiritual. It said that evil exists in the form of intentions and brings harm. And that evil can be replaced by good and that evil only causes more destruction good can only bring good. It also said that truly spiritual people will never bring any harm on anyone by any medium such as curses or any other but will be completely free of bad intention and will have a pure heart and a free mind. And that being spiritual is nothing but "being in tune" that being in the right rhythm of life and eternity with love, peace, happiness and freedom imbibing your soul. And aspirituality means being out of tune with the universal spirit of mother nature or universe. This means you are toxic and not in the moment but spending your energy in unfruitful ways and not living life in happiness or love and making everything worse instead of better,and not following the words or messages of the soul. It also said to me that being spiritual does not mean being successful in life, in fact far from it, and that worldly success is an illusion and a trap,being spiritual means living a peaceful life, not harming anyone and peacefully contributing to the betterment of oneself and environment and people or family. And it said that nothing magical will happen when you become deeply spiritual, you won't get any supernatural abilities or things will get possessed or some entity will be left behind when you die, nothing of that sort, you will die just like a regular death and nothing extraordinary will happen about you or your body or to the house or objects you leave behind. . Your energy after death will be peaceful to the environment just like you were in life. Your energy as a spiritual person will be free, loving, kind, non judgemental, peaceful and detached but serene and beautiful, not intense or obsessed or too passionate.. But calm.... More like a liberal hippie. Also you won't become a perfect person as a spiritual person, your imperfections on your body or mental issues will remain, although your calmness might diminish some of the symptoms and you will show good moral behavior and healthy life choices but other than that you won't become a perfect person or the ideal person as a society sees it. Also this communication told me that being spiritual does not mean something mystical or mythical happens and everything starts to look mysterious, nope, all that is just bogus to bring some appeal, but spiritual is just straight up free and simple and beautiful peaceful. I will call it self love soul communication. SLSC. SLSC experience. In short soul communication experience. Sce.

Read a bunch of experiences here. https://erowid.org/experiences/subs/exp_Ayahuasca.shtml Every bit of information you need here: https://erowid.org/chemicals/ayahuasca/ayahuasca.shtml Personally, I've done 3 day Ayahuasca retreats 3 times. Every time has been beautiful. Yet every time is slightly different. My body dissolves. Time dissolves. I become one with everything. There is infinite knowledge. I can ask myself anything and get a clear answer. Time is irrelevant. There is a deep sense of gratitude and loving bliss. Beyond some nausea at the start, there is nothing negative of the experience. I highly highly suggest doing a ceremony. It expanded my awareness and opened me up to following my spiritual path.

@Leo Gura You are right there is nothing you could want more as a human being. It's why we are doing this work. And its why we continue to do this work. I do really commend those who have done and stuck to this work for decades and have not had a mystical experience yet. If it had not happened to me so quickly coming from the Materialist Paradigm i dont know if i would have dedicated my life to this work. As a materialist i needed to see scientific proof. So i really do commend those of you who have been on this path for a long time and feel that they haven't seen results yet. You are the true hero on the hero's journey. But fear not it is VERY real. You will get all the rewards and bliss just be patient. Or per Leo take some 5-Meo lol.

@Shaun This is what I don't understand. One minute a guru says one thing, the next the total opposite. Right, so, there is no me. My true Self is nothing. Hmm. @Leo Gura I sort of see what you are trying to say. The issue is, clearly, even as you type out this understanding, you can't not refer to people are 'you' or as another. Everyone sits on this forum and lambasts unconscious people. Well, a lot of them do. Isn't this what we are looking to avoid if, ultimately, they are lambasting themselves? I still don't understand why 'we' have a sense of self. There is nothing more 'real' to me than my 'sense' of self. As in, I am Paul.. I know what I like and I don't like.. I can't help that haha. For instance, a random example would be my taste in women aestetically. I know what I find attractive and not. I don't choose that, it just is. You also said that individuals are sort of like partitions of the God harddrive, if you will. Will limited powers. With God free will. So why does it matter how you identify yourself? Do I walk round saying I am a piece of God or can I just be Paul? What difference does it make.. Why do we have a 'mind' or thoughts if we aren't supposed to have them? I would claim that it would be impossible, as a human form or whatever, to ever achieve a state whereby you simply have no thoughts, no attachments, no opinions, no sense of self, no emotions, as was just nothing. You wouldn't function. You might as well be a vegetable. Is this the goal? It makes zero sense. I don't see the bliss in that... Now, I'm not claiming there is not such a state. I don't know. But I think some of these gurus need calling out on their bullshit (I'm not meaning you, Leo.. you're pretty consistent with what you say in fairness to you... I appreciate your posts and I do take them on board, just not 100% sure I can get on board with what you are saying at this point). Sadhguru for instance, one moment talks about being a human being and there only being one life inside the body. Then he claims there is no you. And claims we are all one, and not to think about things you don't understand. Then he posts online about voting and democracy... like we have free will and a choice. He's also quite nationalistic.. I watched something once where he was pretty peeved about the past relationship between India and the UK. Why does he get annoyed at this and feel the need to call it out? Shouldn't he just be accepting what is? I think I saw @Leo Gura posting about the slave trade and reperations that should be paid. Why consider this? That isn't accepting what is? It has been and gone, are we to just accept it as God's will.. or are you fighting God?

@clouffy Sheer bliss mode..............

@Paul Almost everybody says this, sadghuru for example, leo also. I have my own personal experience also. Another example from an interesting interview lately posted in this forum: So reality is a paradox, not logical.I think your logical conclusons limit you. Your little human brain cannot grasp reality with logic. Furthermore you hold on false beliefes which seems so true for you right now, It will pass. Because truth will at the end destroy false beliefs. So count on that there is truth out there which is too good to be true, you just did not realized it yet Your kundalini may be activated. I highly recommend the kundalini book I told you. The process is well defined, after dark nights there is bliss. but then some dark nights come again, but I think you went really through the hardest part so it will be better. Many tips are there how to endure dark nights Welcome the dark nights, you will grow A LOT when you go out of it and you will be rewarded so keep going, So much change right now in your life, that is a good sign

I was exactly like this one year ago. I did not feel myself. Depersonalization, derealization, fear, panic attacks, depression, agony, dysphoria and etc. Was a real hell. I had no hope. I thought there was no chance to recover. I gave up meditation. Started antidepressants again. (I had used them before). My parents forced me to go to work and that was a good thing. I went out of my "Enlightenment" thoughts and started to get involved in life. And... when I was coming home from work walking and felt bliss, peace and the things which were making me suffer, such as meaninglessness, emptiness were now giving me bliss, freedom. But it was temporary for several days. Then same life (before Dark Night) restarted. Now I am reading Daniel Ingram's book "Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha". He says there are stages in Vipassana. Dark Night is the one you are experiencing now. He recommends keeping practicing. This is from his book:

@Gabriel Antonio Hello gabriel. Thank you. I am certainly not depressed. And yes I am aware of Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs and that's exactly what I am trying to take care of right now, the career/LP part. My definition of self actualization is: to achieve my highest possiblities and live the greatest life that I can live. (this definition includes Absolute Truth) For me, the point of self-actualization is that I am a finite creature with a finite lifetime and that I can achieve my greatest possiblities, what coud be better than this? (Excluding "Reaching a divine-like state and feeling eternal bliss" )

Maybe you have depression. One of its classic signs is loss of interest. Conversely, I'd ask you, "What's the point of self-actualization"? And more further, what is your idea of self-actualization? Reach a divine-like state and feel eternal bliss? If so, that's a very unrealistic expectation. "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." Btw - Have you read more about the hierarchy of needs, by Abraham Maslow?

@MM1988 You are not making the distinction between egoic and trans-egoic. From the perspective of the ego, there is egoic love and egoic hate. There is egoic beauty and egoic ugliness. There is egoic bliss and egoic pain. There is egoic peace and egoic suffering. From the perspective of the ego, it wants to get rid of the egoic hate, ugliness, pain and suffering and keep egoic love, beauty, bliss and peace. This is the obsession of the ego and the cause of great suffering. Transcending the ego means it all dissolves: egoic love, hate, beauty, ugliness, bliss, pain, suffering and peace. All of the ego-based interpretations are transcended and dissolve. At a trans-egoic state there may arise transcendental forms of Love, Beauty, Bliss and Peace - yet these are distinct from egoic self-need based versions. If one transcends the ego, there is no "you" to be ugly anymore. The mind-body is whole and complete - whether or not anyone thinks the body is beautiful or ugly. The mind-body will not desire to make racist jokes because it can do whatever it wants. The is no "you" vs "me". You are missing the transcendental aspect of this. This is why direct experience is so important. A mind-body can intellectualize transcending itself, yet that aint it. Not even close. The emodiment comes with direct experience.

Leo's latest video on scientific dualities triggered a deep sense of discomfort within me, for good. It felt like falling in an endless well. It started with panic (of having lost the pointers to map my experiences) and soon transformed into bliss (of realizing that I was the creator of those categories anyway, and I can make them as up as I want, if I want). My mind tends to be really active in symbols and symbolic imagery, and with the intention of integrating this with my everyday life, I started to wonder what the role of symbols (like the language I am using to get this across to you) is - in the whole network of reality. Have you seen a Rainbow? It doesn't just have seven colors. The distinction between what we call Violet and Indigo is not easily discernible. An example, quoted from an Environmental Psychology book 'Drunk Tank Pink' A 'thing' does not exist until it is categorized in some fashion. A category does not exist until it is 'defined' within rigid boundaries and is given a name. This seems obvious when you get it. Leo's 3 part series on Dualities is to trigger an unlearning process of the 20 years of schooling / scientific indoctrination. Analysis is crucial for intellectual work. For finding distinctions, developing a set of characteristics that define it and studying those set of characteristics to form conclusions. But the problem with this approach is that Analysis leaves out more than it covers. We keep adding new words into our dictionaries every year because new concepts are born every year. Further, different cultures have a fundamentally different concept of, for example, time. Synthesis attempts to rectify this problem by zooming out as wide as possible and noticing all the subtle and nuanced ways everything is networked together. True Holism is the integration of Analysis AND Synthesis.