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Disclaimer: I understand that the following criticisms, objections, and opinions are just projections of my and the collective shadow and that all of this is untenable. Even if @vanish is a troll and didn't actually kill himself, my heavy emotional reaction is real and the lessons learned from this - maybe hypothetical - situation still hold true. For those of you who are unaware, @vanish posted some radical things on this forum - hopefully so far. He holds/held the view that awakening may only come from physical death, aka suicide. He wrote about living a life-threatening lifestyle - being in the dark, only drinking water for multiple weeks. He went into a bath full of ice almost killing himself which he announced earlier as killing "him"self. On March 26th, he wrote about the two lifestyles - self-development and self-destruction - and two days later he wrote a post saying that after he finished writing this post he is gonna shoot himself. Alot of people - including myself - started following him after this - he hasn't been online ever since. Now, I hate to say this but from an absolute perspective, every choice is equal. Fundamentally there is no difference between saving 100 lives and torturing yourself and committing suicide. I was shocked that even though I may grasp this on an intellectual level but not an emotional level - and I won't until my psychological death as @vanish would put it. The wording used by @Leo Gura and other spiritual teachers can be very easily misinterpreted: Because Leo didn't react until @vanish mentioned taking his life and almost complimented him for fasting and almost dying in that ice bath, many people accused him of talking @vanish to suicide. I would argue against this on some level; any symbol could be a trigger for any action. In theory, you could train a person to rape anyone if you say the word "peanuts". But Leo - also everybody who encouraged him, everybody who remained passive including me and for that matter everybody -, still, how the fuck didn't you stop him earlier? He was seriously playing with his health; he could have died from that ice bath. I want to discuss this issue - I think others may be also worried about this. @vanish, if you are reading this, come back and say "it was just a prank, bro!". What can we do about this? How to prevent or limit such misinterpretations in the future?

Hello, So I have never been with a woman, and the pain of being this age without even having had a girlfriend can almost be crippling - I don't want to walk around suicidal depressed rage in case it attracts negative experiences in my life, which it has done, as for example my ability to focus is diminished almost to wanting to die - So 27 feels too old to be a virgin, and over the years I continue to bottle down these hormones, but sometimes like once a week, or every two weeks the bottle pops open and I contemplate ending my life ... If I do not ever meet a woman, and thus never have my needs met - I must know Leo, am I fine to commit suicide? Will there be reprecussions on the other side? Or will this free me from this internal torment - Do I have the right to feel this suicidal rage being my age and having missed out ... I am near to 30, nor do I know how I'll afford marriage, or if marriage will destroy me anyways - Can someone tell me why I should not just end it? Thank you Please, this continues bothering me and as the days pass the rage continues and I do my best to live more positive and light hearted, but still - Why don't I just end it? What keeps me alive Leo - I mean did I choose this life or what, can I choose my next life where everything is easier and better? Why is this life on such hard mode with a mind of its own going some direction ...

Serious chronic health problems that have no solution. Or very old age. I read about a case of an Iraq war veteran who got so badly wounded in battle that he could not walk, could not sleep, was in constant physical pain 24/7, had to be taken care of by a nurse every day, and had to shit in a bag because his intestines were too damaged. He lived in hell for several years, his girlfriend left him, no doctors or medicine could help him. His only realistic solution was suicide and so he killed himself. That to me is a legitimate case for suicide. Not getting laid is not. You don't even realize how good your life was until you have a woman to constantly deal with. You will be begging to be single after a while of girl drama. Sex with the same girl will soon get boring. And many other factors will diminish the quality of real-world sex: from problems with timing, to girls who are bad at sex, to condoms, to pregnancy scares, and more. Of course sex is nice, but it's not as nice as people make it out to be. Don't forget that sex ain't free. You'll be paying for it somehow. Usually with crazy drama. You will have to deal with all sorts of girl nonsense just to get that sex. Some degree of that is okay, but it does get old after a certain point. I'm not saying don't pursue sex or relationships. Pursue it. But don't exaggerate its importance to your happiness. A day will come when you will wish you were single and free. When you finally realize your need for girls was largely a fantasy of your own making you will finally find some peace and happiness. Don't confuse horny excitement and drama for peace and happiness.

Somewhat unrelated, but: What would be a reason to die? Is there a set of circumstances that would seem reasonable for suicide in your world view? And adjacent to that, I’d like to know how you reconciled yourself with all your physical health issues. Because you seem to do better now. I could listen to a lecture video about that topic.

Thank you for sharing, I used to be like you, I also wanted it all, suicide was a daily idea, but I realized the more I wanted the further away from that which I wanted I placed myself. The universe does not understand or respond to language as much as it does frequency. See when we say "I Want" we are letting the Universe know what we "don't have" and then because the Universe is your reflection, Creator > Creation, so to speak, It will give you more of that which you don't have because you are validating that which you don't have by saying "I want". See there comes a moment in life when we have to stop wanting and praying for god to help us because it rarely happens that way, rather god wants you do make the change within yourself and literally change to see the change around you and your life. We have to be the God/Goddess we are and make that first step, because the universe is simply a reflection of our inner-world. You can try create some daily affirmations and state them out loud daily and behave as if they are already true and exemplify them into actions. I Am, I have, I am grateful, I am worthy, My life is great, I am greatness, all the things you want, change the way you say and feel about them. Imagine you already have them and are them all, fake it till you make it, it works, but you gotta keep up the consistency. As above so below, as within so without.

This saddens me to hear so much...💛 It's heartbreaking that such a beautiful mind could feel this way. I’m so sorry. Keyro is amazing - or rather, the person behind this account is! You are awesome 💗💗💗 I’m certain many people in this community feel the same way about you. I really hope you find some light soon... We’re all here for you. Sending the biggest, most vibrant omniversal psychedelic hugs your way. This is just a random thought... but if your goal is to be formless yet retain memories, physical suicide might not be the path to take. Perhaps finding a way to make your life flexible enough to explore all kinds of psychedelic and mental planes would allow you to feel more free (?) Your mind is very creative and fluid - it’s no wonder this current reality with a human body feels limiting... Either way, please, please, please contact someone before doing anything irreversible, don't be too silly of a goose 💓🐥

Time to get some Red examples going up in here. Try to find some healthy ones too. Red is all too easy to demonize. List of Stage Red Values: Personal power, strength, might, brute force Displays of toughness Brazen courage, valor, heroism, daring Being the boss, being #1, winning at all costs Conquering one’s enemies, domination The thrill of conquest Warrior mentality, a glorious death, heroic deeds Competitive, crush your opponents Resolving disputes with ruthless force Winning, victory, conquest, triumph against odds Ambition, playing it big Revenge Respect Loyalty Decisiveness, assertiveness Passion, action Pragmatic, direct, no-nonsense Taking initiative & ownership, personal willpower Getting things done, just do it Unilateral control, executive power Glitz, ostentatious displays, grandiosity Wants to be bigger than life Status, recognition of prowess Machismo, pride, bragging Charisma, plain talk Intimidation, manipulation, exploitation Sexual conquest & exploitation Sex as power and vanity, sadistic sex Enjoying life to the fullest Adventure, thrill-seeking, living boldly Power contests, like slapping/arm-wrestling Breaking rules, finding loop holes Breaking with the pack & pushing the envelope Stage Red Examples: Trump, Saddam Hussein, Iraq, Syria, Hitler, Stalin, Liberia, Somalia, North Korea, Myanmar, Turkmenistan, Haiti, Africa, Middle East, Palestine, warlords, mafia, Tony Soprano, Al Capone, pirates, marauders, gangs, Yakuza, violent prisoners, prison culture, freedom fighters, revolutionaries, criminals, rapists, con artists, thieves, terrorists, juvenile delinquents, ancient Rome, gladiator combat, Caligula, Nero, Roman emperors, spartan, Chinese emperors, Japanese emperors, Alexander the Great, Achilies, Klingons, hackers, toxic narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, lone shooters, Conan the Barbarians, Joe Pesci from Casino, Russian mob, toxic masculinity / Red Pill, vikings, Genghis Khan, Mongol hordes, drug addicts, gamblers, criminal underground, war criminals, massacres, torture, rape gangs, wild rock stars, Jules from Pulp Fiction, Joffery from GoT, Ramsey from GoT, Cersie from GoT, Dothraki from GoT, the Joker, cult leaders like Jim Jones & Charles Manson, David Koresh, Aztec human sacrifice, pimps, hustlers, prostitutes, sex trafficking, brothels, strippers, porn stars, violent porn, snuff films, king’s harems, absolute monarchs, feudalism, heads on pikes, Vlad the Impaler, crucifixion, cutting off body parts, cruel & unusual punishment, villains in movies, bullies, colonial exploitation, sweat shops, slavery, wild west, Terminator, Rambo, throwing objects when angry, cocaine, heroine, crack, meth users, suicide bombers, lesser Jihad, ISIS, domestic violence, MMA / UFC, boxing, Mike Tyson, Don King, Connor McGregor, bank robbers, the tyrannical boss, bribery, bling, gold teeth & chains, the hood, drive-by shootings, bloodsport, cock fighting, dog fighting, animal cruelty, sports fights, pro wrestling, movie Lord of War, Alex Jones, L Ron Hubbard, David Miscavige, 9/11, Oklahoma City bombing, some incels, some pickup, Jeffy rape van, Kanye dragon energy, rap music, heavy metal music, punk music, Mexican drug cartels, El Chapo, Grand Theft Auto game, graffiti, No Country For Old Men, Old Testament, Sith from Star Wars, Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, Dan Pena, hunting homeless people for sport, Black Panthers, KKK, Machiavelli, women as property

I need your help to assemble a list of juicy Stage Purple examples! List of Stage Purple Values: The tribe/clan, community Family & tribal bonds, blood relationships Living together, contribution to the tribe Group activities, group celebration Honor Humility Self-sacrifice Respecting elders, ancestors, customs Taboos and customs Ritual, ceremony Mother nature, harmony Magical powers Spirit realm, spirit deities Mystery Mystical intuition Rites of passage Sacred objects & places Traditional music & dance Myth, sharing stories Retaining ancestral and tribal memory Reciprocity, sharing, cooperativ-interdependence Warding off evil spirits Cursing/hexing one’s enemies Psychic powers Out of body travel Respect of elders for their wisdom & experience Wisdom of the elders Family relics and heirlooms Religious medals, lucky charms Sacred words Stage Purple Examples: Carlos Cataneda’s Don Juan, Amazon tribes, African tribes, Indonesia tribes, Native Americans, Middle East, New Guinea, Bosnia, the Zulu, Bwiti, Hawaiian culture, Indian culture, Arab culture, Japanese Shinto religion, Tibet, rural China, Afghanistan, Aborigines, Maori, Pocahontas, shaman, medicine man, Avatar: Na’vi, Legend of Zelda, Patapon, Turok, Dances With Wolves, The Medicine Man, the noble savage, ancient mythology, voodoo, witchcraft, curses & hexes, animal sacrifice, gift economy, sharing resources, paganism, cannibal tribes, sun worship, animal-human hybrids, animal gods & spirits, ethnic cleansing, the paleolithic, cave paintings, Stone Henge, Ubuntu: I am because we are, suicide bombing, Kamikazi, human sacrifice, eating enemies, chanting & drum music, herbal medicine, Ayurveda, acupuncture, Qi, shrines, totem poles, ayahausca, peyote, saliva, mushrooms, datura, iboga, amanita muscaria, sweat lodges, vision quests, tribal tattoos, the evil eye, magical healers, ancient burial grounds, knocking on wood, lucky rabbit’s foot, black cats, prayer altars, Day of the Dead, Halloween, urban legends, fertility goddesses, astrology, fortune cookies, folk tales, fairy tales, Maneki-neko, graffiti, gypsies, face paint, symbolic costumes, secret handshakes, mating ceremonies, dowries, blood oaths, communal eating, missionaries in tribes, burial rituals, small company work environment, the Sacred Tree of Life, Don Miguel Ruiz: The 4 Agreements, The Alchemist, Teotl

Exactly. There wasn't a plan here. There was a helpless feeling of suffering and self deception. She stated that she wanted to commit suicide already right? But this was a way of going out that made more of a bang. It was selfishness but also it was lack of love and communication. Had this person received the proper guidance, love, and tutelage then she probably wouldn't have committed suicide in this manner and took others out with her. Suicide happens every day it's just then when they decide to take others with them it becomes a big story.

I wonder if he would say the same about suicide.

What is the number one thing repeated in all male suicide notes? "Useless". Men need to feel useful like how women need to feel included. If not they can't survive or reproduce. Its the only thing Andrew Tate is right about.

So it all started when I was 16 and had really bad depression and suicidal thoughts, my mind was really corrupted by materialism and theism and mainstream science ideas. Mainly because truth it my highest value so I studied science all day long pretty much. Maybe the depression part is genetic or something but materialism did not helped at all. I was given ssri and it stopped my depression and suicidal thoughts and me being a human being with emotions too. When I was 18 I stopped the ssri and I was emotionally blunt same as with ssri but my emotions started to come back and I had suicidal thoughts again and I didn’t wanted to get back to the ssri because it was like being a zombie. I read about shrooms to help with it and I was like it is better than killing myself so I took it. It was really helpful for my depression (pretty much ended it) and I was really curious how it works and the more I discovered the more I needed to destroy materialism. But I was so young , I took them when I was 19 years old and I wanted to use more psychedelics. But it is not recommended for this age, also I was very attached to societal view on psychedelics and still was materialist so I decided to do a BA in psychology and philosophy to verify what leo and other mistics say and also maybe make some kind of career because I need money like everyone ( I did LP course of leo, over all I have don’t it 4 times every 2 years). I leant mainly materialist theories of conciseness in uni and the more I studies the more stupid they looked like till I stopped believing in materialism. I didn’t had any depression or suicidal ideation during my studies, I struggled mainly with ADHD till I found and it looked pretty promising career for me. I could make good money from it , it wasn’t devilry, really revolutionary treatment , I could make lots of money and then talk about psychedelics and philosophy and all the things I like and had money to support myself. So I was teaching this method to other people and got some results but the more I worked in this business I could do less and less each day till I couldn’t do anything. It sounds good but I don’t want to help people with ADHD , I want to learn about truth! I like conciseness because it is dealing with truth and I really liked to discover all the mechanism of the mind which this method helped me with some of them, till I discovered them and I had no interest in them. So I got all my plans destroyed , I didn’t had any idea what to do with my life because leo says you need to get money and be indented and also not have depression and suicidal ideation so I was kinda stuck. And I talked about this with my psychologist, and lots of the information was in hindsight here , I didn’t know that I wanted to do psychedelics, I just looked for what I can do instead of my ADHD biz, till we talked about that I want to do psychedelics and pretty much nothing else for now,I am just worried about finance in the future because now I am fine and I avoid psychedelics because it is not recommended and because I had some fear from ego death experience i had but I think it is less relevant because I had some solutions (just do it or taking something lighter and work my way from there) I am stuck in a some kind of a loop of being depressed and suicidal , then thinking about doing psycadelics, being normal and happy , getting scared of it, thinking doing something instead, getting depressed and suicidal instead and it repeats. On one hand I don’t have any money making LP (not money making LP I do have) and I cant pressure anything that will make me money because it will make me depressed ,I have neuroticism and suicidal ideation when I don’t do psychedelics at least so I am kinda confused on if I should just do psychedelics. Even my psycologist tell me that I should do it but something stopping me. Anyway, I don’t really know the solution go get me to do it. Maybe encouragement?

It’s not just western. Russia for example has a very high suicide rate even among young females i think. And not just attempts but success. And many European countries are very safe and have very low school/shootings/killings etc.

How do you guys go about processing a friend's suicide?

@Ishanga @Breakingthewall glad you guys agree . The only caveat I would say is that unfortunately one has to learn this the hard way . They have to fuck up and try hedonistic desires before they realize that that whole approach just doesnt work .they certainly need to awaken to this. im very happy that im happy ..its like im drowning in an infinite sea of love that will melt me. I asked before Some people on reddit who think that happiness is derived from material factors such as wealth... But if it is so..then why do we hear celebrities and wealthy businessmen committing suicide? Because money does not bring happiness. .but up to a certain point beyond which it has no significance. If you are a fortune 500 CEO.. a lottery of $1,000,000 will not amount to much increase in your happiness. The reason I made this thread is because achieving everything that we desire in hope that that's whats gonna lead to happiness is the way 99% of ppl approach happiness.. and not by going inward and find inner peace. Because the classical spiritual teachings in almost all spiritual traditions is Realizing that happiness is totally an inside job (so to speak) and happiness does not depend on anything outside yourself. You need to cease creating miseries and unhappiness for yourself (also an inside job) and find the spring of causeless happiness within. But the first step to true happiness is realizing it is an internal thing (within you) and not an external thing (outside and around you). Otherwise..you are always looking in the wrong places for it (. in the world and not within yourself. 🙏

What do I do? he talks about how it is his freedom and he knows this is better for him and he has endured years, that is sound logically. but man.. he is one of my best friends since 5 years, he comes from a very abusive and controlling family that is ruining his life. I am very emotionally intelligent and good at communicating emotions, understanding and listening to people, which is why I am usually the "therapist friend" and why he told me. He has been suicidal ever since I knew him, I have tried all the advice in the book. Should I tell his father? Even though his father is one of the main reasons for his misery, extremely manipulative and controlling. If I let him do it, I would feel guilty my whole life. If I try to stop him... I am not sure how that will work. I love him very dearly.

"I like myself as a person" but "I hate being alive in this human life"... How about we get clearer on what it is that you hate, which is weaving your never-ending suffering. 1) Reality in front of you, experience --> No. I'm certain you don't give a fuck about what is actually happening - speaking from experience. All suffering is spun in the mind and it is always referring TO the mind. Your feelings are never actually referring to reality (good to contemplate). 2) A general idea of yourself as a person --> No. Alright. Ideas and fantasies are cool, but what about actual you? 3) A general idea of God --> No. Okay. What about actual God? 4) "This human life with its immense suffering" --> Supposedly this. But what is this actually referring to? I guarantee it's not reality/experience - again, if you observe you can notice that you're never actually hating reality which is real life. You're hating YOURSELF. But what are YOU? Really think about it. What is it that you hate? You say you hate human life, but what is "human life"? What are you referring to? Is it not YOU? You're confused. You don't even realize you hate yourself. Hatred is not just hating the idea of yourself as a person. You don't hate the idea, but you hate YOURSELF! Your idea of yourself is detached from the reality of you, same as your idea of God from actual God. You like the idea, but hate the actual thing... Seriously, think about it. What do you hate? And what are you? See above. You like the idea of God as some emptiness or whatnot, but hate yourself and disregard actual God right in front of you. "I want to die so that I don't have to suffer"... Brother. You'll stop suffering once you start to want to LIVE. By hating yourself, resisting and wanting to die you are only INCREASING your sense of self. Resistance is the ultimate "fuck you" to everything and closing yourself in your shell, away from God, peace, happiness. As long as you want to die, you will be suffering. You are getting exactly what you want. You're using your intention for this. HATING YOURSELF. Decide to change your intention NOW, if you REALLY want to LIVE IN PEACE. I know it's a leap, but you can make it. As above. Your intention is bringing you exactly what is supposed to bring. You want this and you're getting it. So become clear on your intention and motivations. And then change if you want. "Immediate relief"... yeah. The time to change this attitude is now. Until you don't stop banging your head against the wall, you will be banging your head against the wall. Why not stop now, instead of after 100 more hits? The time is NOW. End your suffering NOW. THIS lifetime, not a future one. You have what it takes. Your "problem" is purely spiritual. Start NOW and you'll be better of in no time. Get clear on your intention and you'll change so fast it'll be miraculous. In fact, you'll feel the effects immediately. --- I see myself in you. I went through some dark fucked-up periods where I had no hope and was also hating EVERYTHING. I had my suicide walk to a bridge. I destroyed items from my past, all my notebooks, photos, etc.. I fantasized about stabbing myself all the time. You have a sincere heart. I believe in change. And I believe in you. #NoMoreLifetimes

Hello. I'll be blunt in hopes that this can wake you up a bit. Listen to yourself. What are you even saying? "I hate myself" and "I want to become one with God". This is LITERALLY a contradiction. Pure misunderstanding. Really see this - YOU ARE DELUDED. You do NOT want to become one with God, BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF. "I fucking hate this stupid human life". No, no you don't. What you hate is yourself. You don't give a shit about life (reality), you hardly ever really look at it, you only care about you. Or, more precisely, you care about hating yourself. Stop kidding yourself that you want God. Your hatred is so great that this couldn't be further from the truth. The thing you think you want is exactly the thing you're fiercely rejecting to the point of wanting to kill yourself. You have a vague fantasy of this "God" you dream of which is just that - a fantasy. You are delusional. The actual God you are rejecting with all your might. And no tripping will help you, because you are trying to use it to escape, therefore further spinning in your resistance. I guarantee you 100% psychedelics won't help you long-term because you're going to use them with the intent of "dying", escaping yourself. Really, you SHOULD give it up. It will NOT work. And you will not really kill yourself because you want what is happening. See: That's the crux of your issue right there. You want all of this happening. On YOUR terms. Which is exactly what you're getting and why you're suffering. Nothing you try will work because you're clinging fiercely and only using everything to resist further. The more you act on that intent, the more you suffer. But you can stop. --- If you want some relief, I'd suggest contemplating what I said above. Be honest with yourself for once. Your motivations are delusional, you think you want God but you're just fooling yourself. You only want you. How about you stop trying to erase yourself? Because the more you try, the more you there is to erase. And suicide is an idiotic "solution". Do you seriously think you can "reset" your energetic system with killing yourself physically? Like, does this make sense to you? You REALLY believe this won't just happen again if you end it like that? Listen man, I get you. I really do. I was going through this shit as well. Long periods, more than once. See this for example, from barely 3 months ago: When you're honest with yourself about the truth of you and your motivations, some knots should be untied. Really, you're just completely misunderstanding yourself. And I get that. I wish you well. I recommend talking to yourself. Split yourself into two - you who hates yourself vs you who'd like to live in peace, harmony, with God. And come to an understanding through dialogue. Best written in a journal, or spoken out loud and recorded. It's fun, try it. I developed the technique on my own. The two halves should both change somehow, it's not just about changing the "bad one". Talk to yourself with patience and an intent for compromise. And if there is genuine understanding, there appears the space for genuine behaviour change. I also recommend just having the intent to live in peace. I am 100% sure you never actually wished for peace. You only wished to escape, resist suffering and fight yourself, therefore exacerbating the problem due to your intention being fucked. If you really want freedom, wish for it, out of a pure heart. Cry out for it: If this resonates, you can DM me to talk further. I'm open to you and I wish you well. Good luck. With love, Sincerity

Just like most things humans are so easily corrupted and abuse things like SD. Like some of the Neville Goddard groups on Reddit which I will not go into too much, they just want to make a quick buck out of you. And the mods will block you if what you say does not conform to their own teachings even though what you say is true. I am a pisst off at Reddit Go and FYS. I detract myself from the r/NevilleGoddard group for good. They actually downvoted me for writing this and hid what I wrote. The saddest thing is it happened. So I wrote this and it did happen. Trust me on this manifesting it;s all hogwash a lie. Can you imagine a scenario where you manifest an X back and everything you imagined turns out wrong and you get engaged just before Christmas and you come home with her and two hours later you go to bed and she has committed suicide in your bed you try to revive while calling the paramedics? She had only been gone for 5mins and paramedics tried for 4 hours to revive her but they never did. And you manifested straight from Nevil Goddard's teaching fck you and NGoddards teachings. And most of these must be kids downvoting you and others grow the fuck up. I doubt any have done psychedelics and tried to manifest in God mode. It's all bullshite all of it. They could not manifest a wet dream if they tried.. What they should do on Reddit is for a week show the ones that downvoted you then you would know who your real friends are. This is why their system is so broken it;s all about dopamine hits and Wow I got 1000 upvotes. I am so beyond that prepubescent adolescent guff.

Nazism takes root in radicalized minds, it's not that people become radicalized because they adopt Nazi ideology. I recently read a book by a former Nazi that explains this. It’s a process similar to that of terrorists and other extremist ideologies. It’s highly likely that any given Nazi, had they been born in Afghanistan, would have become a suicide bomber. The mental structure is the same, they have radicalized minds, see the world in black and white, are highly charged emotionally, and don’t stop to consider the shades of gray.

It's complicated, because there is so much of it from so many sources that I can't easily label it as one specific condition. I've suffered from deep shame and deep abandonment wounds all my life. The past 7 years I've suffered from PTSD and bad anxiety. The PTSD has morphed and shifted over time, getting worse and worse, and at this point I'm in an extremely severe state. I spend probably 3-5 hours a day stuck in anxious thought loops, and it's been like that every day for the past 7 years. I am extremely sensitive, even the slightest bit of disapproval, sense that I did something wrong or made someone not like me, it REALLY hurts and I can't stop thinking about it. I get overwhelmed easily leaving the house and going to new places. It's extremely difficult to get any work done. I don't have a job or anything so I have all day every day to work on things, an I can only get 1-2 hours of work done a day (if even that) because of constant thinking, and having such a strong need to distract myself. Every little thing in my life causes me pain. I remember in one of my ayahuasca ceremonies, I had this vision of me looking at my to do list, in such deep anxiety and suffering, only because I was stuck in an anxious thought loop over the way my to-do list was formatted - like the order that the tasks were in, etc. There is just so much tension and suffering over even the smallest things, and it's been like this day after day for 7 years The worst thing of all is that over the past year I've dealt with really bad heartbreak from a girl (we never got into a romantic relationship but I still got really attached to her). What makes it so bad is experiencing that heartbreak through the lens of all of these emotional issues I have. I got so addicted and attached to her because I needed her as an escape from my emotional pain so badly, and of course that drove her away and made her want nothing to do with me, and that heartbreak has been hell. That has been the absolute most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I cannot get over her. It drives me insane every single day. I fucking hate that I have to be alive in a world where I have to be without her. On top of that it drives me crazy that I'm 24 and a virgin. I'm a horny guy and I wish I could have sex so badly, and it makes me feel so inferior and emasculate that I can't attract a girl. Again, experiencing that through the lens of my horrible emotional state makes it 1000% times worse/more painful. Knowing that there's guys out there that get to fuck this girl I want more than anything, but I can't, and I have to stay in my situation and suffer. On top of that I'm $30k in debt, almost bankrupt, can't work because of my condition, I'm stuck living with my mum who I do not like at all. . . Throughout these 7 years, despite how ridiculously difficult it's been, I've always felt like it was there to grow me, and so there was always a part of me that was still somewhat on board with life, despite how bad things got. But over the past year, it's gotten so bad that it doesn't feel like just a challenge anymore, it feels like pure torment and cruelty. It feels like some sick, twisted hell that is torturing me and I can't get out of it. It's gone too far. I've become so exhausted, burnt out, and sick and tired of my situation, that I absolutely despise life at this point and I have no desire to live. I do not like being alive, I don't want to be alive, I don't consent to being alive, I'm alive against my own will. I want to be dead. I don't want to participate in life, I don't want to 'play the game' of life. It's all gone too far and been too much, I'm just done with it, and I have been for a long time, but I keep living. I've felt this exact way all year. I remember saying these same things to myself during a time in May when I got really burnt out and suicidal. I barely managed to convince myself to keep going, trusting that things would eventually work out. I kept going for a few months, then got really burnt out again in August, and for the first time I attempted suicide multiple times. I came to the unfortunate realization that it's a lot harder to kill myself than I thought, especially when I'm not 100% certain I want to do it. So I eventually decided to keep going with life. Then I did ayahuasca over the past few months, things got so much better, then I lost all my results when I got home and now I'm back in the same situation. So throughout this year I REALLY have been making an effort to make things better, despite how much I don't want to keep living. The fact that nothing has changed up to this point and I still want to be dead as much as I did at the start of the year, it just makes it even more convincing to end things. I hate being alive so much and have such little desire to participate in life, that it makes me want to say: if anyone reading this wants me to keep living, then YOU do something about it. I know you'll say "take responsibility for your life and your situation, other people aren't gonna hold your hand". But that assumes that I even want to keep living or try so hard to improve my situation. I'll do what I can to improve my situation if it's not too difficult and doesn't take too long, so I'm not totally helpless, but if it's going to take years of grueling work, then forget it. It's my right as an individual to not participate in life if I don't want to. That often feels like the only sense of control I have over my situation. I don't care if it's cowardly or not right to do something like that. I just don't care anymore.

@Tristan12 I recognize that you have been in a state of mental torture for a long time. To be honest, I don't know enough about your emotional problems to help you. I would need to ask further questions. Are you willing to list as many of these emotional and mental problems as you can? How exactly are they impacting your mind and thoughts? What are the feelings and judgements you have of yourself? What are the concrete patterns you recognize in your mind when you observe yourself? Are they accompanied by life stressors like work and relationships? If you doubt your value and self worth, then I want to start by saying you are helping others and providing value weather you realize it or not. You might believe that your suffering was meaningless and is not providing value to anybody. In reality, reading your post has actually helped me. I myself suffer from many emotional problems. Sometimes I thought that psychedelics could help me and I have considered doing exactly what you did to yourself. You have shown me that I can't fix my emotional problems through these means. You have helped me to see a trap that I could have fallen into myself. Seeing as you can help others despite your deep suffering, this is proof that others would be hurt if you killed yourself. I want you to find meaning despite the hell you go through on a daily basis. May I ask you what is your life purpose and how did you discover it? How did you try to work toward it? I struggle with life purpose myself and you might be able to help me by showing me how you did it the main reason I considered psychedelics was because I thought radical states of consciousness could help me recontextualize my life, thus giving me a new perspective from which to approach life purpose. I believed that life purpose would give me the strength to accept my suffering and push through it, giving me reason to live. Meaningless suffering is what pushed me to suicidal thoughts as it has for you. I feel the need to challenge what you said here. You say that you are back in the same situation as before, but I disagree. First of all, you discovered what was possible and experienced relief although temporary. Secondly, you are now wiser to the reality of using psychedelics to fix your problems. Furthermore, seeing as you observed your mind going back to the same place, you can recognize that you are not in control of what your mind is doing at the moment. This is significant because you mentioned shame earlier and it may have something to do with the idea that you should be in better control of what your mind is doing. Your suffering is preventing you from achieving what you think you should be doing or becoming who you should become. Common in therapy is to recognize these should statements, although it is probably exhausting hearing this over and over again. I have been suffering for a long time too and from a lot of different things. I did a lot of journaling, self observation, therapy, medication, emotional mastery and so forth. I still struggle, but I did make enough progress to help others based on the wisdom I accumulated through my journey. You are on this journey too. I want you to take stock of the wisdom you accumulated along the way. I tried therapy and it wasn't as helpful as I hoped. There are many incompetent therapists unfortunately. I ended up just reading many books on emotional mastery and psychology. I had to do so much research that I ended up knowing better than these therapists and I recognized there mistakes. Most of my insights come from self observation, but I have made significant breakthroughs in research to. They have helped me recontextualize my trauma responses so I could work through them. For you, I don't know what kind of trauma You carry or struggle with. This depends on further information. I want to offer you whatever value I can. Suicide can be tempting when you seem to be stuck in meaningless and hopeless suffering. I would never wish this upon you. I don't know what you need, but at the very least I see value in you even if you don't see it. I wish you the best. Please don't kill yourself.

- Feel free to comment, ask questions, give unasked advice, use this post for resources, etc. ( all under your own risk and judgement ) Basically, the idea is that I'll be documenting and sharing my journey of chelation. I'm a noob for now, but I expect to gather a decent chunk of understanding throughout this year. This has been on my to do list for over a year now, and I've been motivated recently by Leo dropping the long awaited episode on chelation released for my birthday ?. Sadly, the episode is not as detailed as I'd like it to be and I'm afraid he may have forgotten some crucial information. But if there is time to whine, there is time to roll up my digital sleeves and get to work and research. Let's hope my journal doesn't end up being a Brian Bander's Suicide note 2.0 (RIP)

@Princess Arabia thank you. I know sometimes I complain about my trauma and life situation. My goal isn't merely to make people feel sorry and pity me. The reality is that I know there are people out there suffering deeply like me. I know if I killed myself, then I would be unable to help others make it through these challenges by sharing what helped me. I know deep down if I can overcome the challenges I face in life, then I can use all the wisdom I gained along the way to help countless others. I have saved people from things like suicide, an existential crisis, kidnapping, and predatory loaning before. These people would be dead if I didn't find the strength to carry on. Humanity would be hurt if I killed myself. I try to find meaning in my suffering by using it to develop deep compassion and empathy and then using my wisdom to help whoever I can. I think my life purpose has something to do with this, but first I want to love and accept myself. Once I master this, I will be able to help an unknown number of people.

Yes daddy did a good job lol but but all this is duality. You imagine that, but in reality from a non-dual point of view you are god who imagines experiencing sugarcoat. Pov : Valentin and his mom after having make fun of mentally handicapped people 😹😹 Yes. I guess there is a reason why god just not exist/suicide himself to be peaceful.