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You can call me Joe. I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you. I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good. There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter. Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.) As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it. Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much. I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad. But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good. It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now. Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen, and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it. Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day: 1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air. 2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through. My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself. And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go. My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more. Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

I have become mentally disturbed by my thoughts and memories of all of the failures I've made in my life including my dating/sex/romance life, social life, school, work, etc. For years, these things have been negatively affecting my life including my concentration on my schoolwork, my job, my workouts, my social life, etc. It's as if I have demons in my head that have been haunting me for eternity. Since pickup, dating advice, and social advice of all sorts from A-Z have failed me I really wish I didn't feel anything towards anyone anymore. For over 15 years of my life, no therapist nor has any medicine been able to help me with this matter. Also, meditation takes years to for it to work. So, I don't know what to do and don't know where to go now other than committing suicide or continuing to suffer through this forever. I don't want to castrate myself literally because I am too afraid to do something so gruesome like that. I would like to somehow be like a machine with no feelings or emotions for about year. I know that if I were a robot then I would have 100% laser-like concentration and work virtually non-stop on achieving my personal dreams. I am begging with all of my heart, soul, and every fiber of my being that someone here could tell me how to lose my humanity, at least for a brief period of my life.

@Leo Gura You are not talking about suicide though?

@blazed Too bad you can't quit when you like.. or maybe one could by suicide... but then I guess you would still be dealt a random new game. If you only knew, you could just kill yourself every time you get born into a nightmare... but I guess that is a little oversimplicated of an idea. I guess it's just random, infinite and happening in the Now. Anyway, hard to make sense of it with concepts, and without actually being the Truth.

What I also want to say is that if they convinced themselves they are happy, at least it worked for them. They were able to live a long life and not suicide due to unhappiness, because they thought they were happy. From the standpoint of death, does it matter whether they were trully happy or not? Only in the present moment it matters whether you are happy. Death makes everything irrelevant. Sometimes i just think - lets just blow up the entire planet and get it over with. There is no point in it anyway. Unless there is. It's not like if they were actually happy they wouldn't die?

why is all the loneliness creeping up again? what is it, actually? it's cold, a feeling of distance and of being alienated from others. disconnection, separateness, isolation. it's strange, because people around me seem happy. or at least quite ok with their mainstream lives. they study, play video games, watch TV, interact on social media, eat bad food, gossip, get drunk at parties. I lived like that too, it destroyed me. it became so bad, I had finally had to change something in my life. sometimes I think: why can't I be satisfied with that 'normal' life? why can't I be ok with living like the average westerner? then again, what is normal? why have suicide/depression rates never been so high? this isn't leading anywhere good, I've experienced it myself. I have to keep reminding myself of it. but then, why do I feel lonely, empty, sad and pissed of again?

Since last Friday, I've been thinking about an old flame. She's a singer & usually they put together some event at this time of year. However, I haven't heard from her in the past few months & have not actually seen her in, I think, a full year now. After awhile of thinking about it, I felt like a stitched wound in my body just reopened & started gushing out raw emotions. As if the downfall of that relationship happened yesterday, instead of two years ago. I went back to the chat forum on the phone system that her & her friends use to see if they were putting together any event this year. From last year & the years before, they chatted all the time on that forum & it was blowing up my phone. So much so, that I had to disable notification. I rarely paid attention to it until now, when these lamentations popped up & made me wonder if I would see her & her friends this year sing their recital & do a meet & greet. But there was near silence on their chat forum now. As if their chat system was dead or replaced. I did see a screenshot of local newspaper showing there was going to be a recital at a church coming up & she was going to be in it, but no invitations were sent out & nobody said anything about it. It's almost as if there is any chatting going on, it is happening on another chat group & not hers. There's no information, even though there are nearly 300 members on the group. I'd feel really weird about just showing up uninvited. In the past, they would put together lists to find out who would attend in advance. And now there doesn't appear to be anything. I thought I was over all of this but I guess the nostalgia of the event, that sense of belonging, has me in its grip again. It'll pass after some time, if I can get lost in something else, perhaps a story on TV or working. But once I'm alone again, having to live with my silent thoughts, that crushing sorrow rears its ugly head. Sometimes, I get some morning anxiety right before I wake up & I had a thought about planning my suicide. Writing up the will & getting everything ready for my exit. Morning anxiety always plants the most horrible thoughts that my brain can think of. There's not any real reason for these such negative thoughts. And then I also remembered that I probably suffer from Seasonal depression disorder (I think it's called SAD) as I always feel a bit gruesome this time of year. I was just curious about these waves & why it would appear now, after all of this time. Perhaps they were simply repressed & not fully handled at the time. It hadn't bothered me all year until I started to think about it & the upcoming singing recital that I'd attended every year for the past 5 years. There's no grudges from this woman against me, she just drifted away, as women do. She had called me a few months ago about asking me to help her with her resume, but I was caught by surprise & probably talked her out of it. I all I had to do was ask her to arrange a time & then I could talk in person & find out what was going on with her & figuring out my own feelings, since everything I'm going through is just inside me & not happening to her or anyone else. Just an ebb & flow of some old emotions, which I thought were long behind me.

We cannot really "kill the ego", what I have found from the endless regurgitation of guru speak is what really happens is the ego just acts like it 'commits suicide' or dissolves itself and then hides from the awareness in the subconscious mind behind all the trappings of the "enlightened non-dual" rhetoric calling it "truth". After chasing that mythical dragon in hopes to slay it for years I have chosen another path that has brought lasting peace and fulfillment to my life experience. There are no tricks or tips, no practices or beliefs, no ideas or concepts, no truth or right that I can teach about this path other than to say, just be it in the moment. Whatever you seek for your being.... just be it. Then what is all this other stuff in our mind, body, emotion and spirit that tries to interfere with what we seek to be? Some will say it is that ego that needs to be killed. Well, the ego can be killed as readily as the past can be changed or erased so if one is trying to kill the ego they are simply letting the past distract them from the present. In this very moment, in every moment just be what one seeks for one's own being and the ego will take care of itself.

I just realised that depression is the thing that makes you very close to enlightenment. And there are two ways out of depression - first is to fight against it, win and become happy - that’s what people usually do, that’s what psychologist advise to do. And the second way is to go deeper and deeper into depression straight to the point of death, the point when nothing left, then your ego dies out and you realise enlightenment! Not many people decide to go and sacrafice own ego during depression. This is counterintuitive (as Leo would say) if you depressed go and become even more depressed! Suffer, but then sacrifice your ego, your self to reach the very bottom end, literally sacrafice yourself, your life with full honesty without waiting for something in return, without the need and desire for enlightenment, gave away everything, surrender your wants and desire, realise you want nothing, you need nothing, and realise nothing left, realise there is nothing except what it is right now - and then become enlightened. OR go and fight, kill dragon,hope for better, win and become happy again, fight for enlightenment - that’s nice but that’s all ego fight and ego victory, yes you won, but it really is just your ego won. That’s what people usually do during depression, that’s why only few enlightened. Because if everyone would go and sacrifice self when self is already so sad and tired and on the verge then whole western civilisation would be enlightened given the rates of depression. That is what only crazy people would do, coz it’s an existential suicide and no different than real sacrifice of your life! Because by doing this, your self image thinks that it sacrifices itself literally and gonna die after that! Look many enlightened people become so after depression or trauma. So i guess there’s a requirement to go and die on the cross, and only then come back to walk on the water. Maybe it’s not the only way, but it certainly seem as what most of famous enlightened people like Tolle has experienced. Think of dark night of soul. Think of Jesus dying on cross, he asks God ‘why you left me?’, then he accepts god’s will, It’s a clear metaphor of depression, of suffering of the ego, resistance and eventual surrender.

Suicide is pointless, sadly most people never get the experience to realize why until its too late

I think most people would prefer suicide over 3 cups of beans every day. And I'm not sure all vegans out there have the will for same. At some point it feels like you hate yourself.

@Leo Gura But, how do you gain that "overwhelming trust in TRUTH"? I took 300ug al-lad 4 weeks ago. It feels like I actually had an ego death, but reemerged with a terrified, fighting ego, because my sitter directly engaged me in a conversation and I projected onto him beeing my executioner. It took me 4 weeks of all day flashbacks now to realize, that I don't have to commit suicide and I just have to focus on processing those feelings/energies. With this retraumatisation my trust in TRUTH is quiet shattered now...but I want to get fully back on the path. HOW? (trip report in progress)

I was afraid that would be the answer. Although I did kind of allude to it in my original post. In that case how do we overcome the fear of death? So it appears that Necron was right... "All life bears death from birth. Life fears death but, lives only to die. It Starts with Anxiety. Anxiety becomes fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. The only cure for the fear is total destruction (not saying I agree with Necron here). In a world of nothing fear does not exist. This is a world that all life desires." Anyway... I guess enlightenment is death with out actually dying? Instead of suicide I guess it's killing all of your desires with out the desires there is nothing to cling on to and nothing to cause you suffering when you don't have it. Including friends and family. Including parts of your body and any ideas you hold on to as "facts" and "truths". The thing is that we as humanity are trying so hard to avoid the void. Instead of avoiding the void why not get comfortable with the void and embrace the void. I guess a way of not avoiding the void is meditation. At a young age I always thought that death means eternal darkness. I had this idea of death in my head as blackness that I am staring at and it's just my thoughts surrounded by this darkness for the rest of eternity and that scared me a lot. Then again that can't be true because these thoughts would have to be coming from somewhere. Well in one video you said we don't spend a lot of time contemplating and we are trying to manipulate things around us. Well in this instance I am not doing that and genuinely trying to understand this "void" so I can get comfortable and accept it. I'm also wondering if there is anything to be learned from Near Death Experiences https://www.near-death.com/science/research/void.html. So the more time we spend alone doing absolutely nothing I'm wondering if that is the best chance we have to not fear death as much as we do (or at least I do).

I don't mean physical suicide of course.

As the title says, I’ve lost all hope in my sex, social, and romance life. I’ve getting help in this, but nothing has helped me. Therapists have failed. Meditation and enlightenment and finding my life purpose take way too long. What’s a quick and easy way to get rid of this heartache. If I didn’t have a family I would seriously consider suicide as a viable option. I really mean it.

The universe doesn't always know what it's doing. It's so hard to be in the present when there's so much uncertainty out there. It's sometimes scary. That's why I occasionally contemplate suicide. I am tired of living with all of this unpredictability.

Is not everybody's main purpose to survive? Why do we try so hard to survive and to avoid pain if eventually we will die? Is not the whole existence pointless and impossible to have a point? Should not human beings, who unlike other creatures have mind, commit suicide? Is there a global purpose or meaning? Do you mean by unknown that never can be known? Because if we did not care unknown we would have never evolved.

So, I got around to watching Leo's Does Free Will exist right after watching his latest one. At the beginning of the video, I was open minded as usual and agreed to all if not most of what he was talking about. Usually at the end of Leo's videos, while he's concluding the video and giving practical advice, I get the sense of "everything will be okay," even though we just beat down the ego. But in this video, it was different. I started to become depressed, just as how Leo predicted. I started to wonder "Then what was the point to this whole thing?" I was questioning all the spirituality work I've been doing. What was the point of working on the ego when at the end, you won't have control over what happens? A bit after, I started to consider suicide because I've been working on all this spirituality thing because I knew that life would be much relaxing when you're more aware/conscious. Yes, I did have that for a long while but now, it's like all that work was leading to no where. This is how I'm thinking about at this moment: even when I gain more awareness with what's happening in my mind, body, environment, I can't do anything about it. SO THEN WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE POINT OF ALL THIS WORK?! Right now, I've somewhat calmed down and started rethinking this whole thing so that there's a happy ending. So, I started considering the possibility: what if what this really means is that you still have to try to do things or else you'd just be a bum BUT you just have to be aware of the fact that your not the one choosing to do any of these. And with this awareness, you can become more "enlightened." I also started thinking of the possibility that it could also mean that even if you still try, just know that things won't always go correctly, so there's no point on beating yourself over it. And that whatever comes by and happens "to you" just keep in mind that it's not really happening to you, it's just reality happening and you don't have any will over it, so there's no need to beat yourself over it. These "happy endings" I got to really gave me more assurance that this work still has something more to it. Nevertheless, I'd love to hear of what they're reaction was to the fact that there is no Free Will and how you dealt with any egotistical resistance that may have occurred. I'd also love some feedback on the "happy endings" that I got to. Are they even close to possible?

At some point, you don't even have the energy for anything (including suicide) but in many way you don't really survive anyway. For me it was like this, during my childhood and teenage years I was extremely addicted to playing video games. So all my friendships most of which I meet online in these games were incredibly shallow. After getting though high school I stop playing video games and in the process lost these "friends" and I came to the realized that my social skills IRL were basically nonexistent. Therefore I couldn't make new friends and so the "fun" begins. Have you had friend in the past? How old are you and what do you do(study, work or unemployed etc)? How do you spend your free time(for fun)?

@Hardkill very good. you're getting closer. drop all of that. also, drop the suicide thing. allow yourself to let go of everything. EVERYTHING. get used to being lightweight. it's freedom. you have no obligations whatsoever.

@Nadosa I marked up all the problems you stated not to judge you but to show you that your body and mind are screaming that there is something very wrong. I do not know if it was a trauma of some sort or the onset of a mental illness. Ether way it is not your fault. Secondly trusting people here as qualified professionals is a mistake. We can encourage and help you find options but that is about it. My experience with suicide is such that I have known two people that attempted it and one of them succeeded. I also worked at a shelter and crisis line for people like yourself. Even with that experience I am not qualified. People stop seeing options and feel trapped then they only see one option. Suicide is not the answer. This way you are feeling is not a permanent state. I get you feel trapped frustrated depressed anxious and fearful. I completely understand you want instant change to make the pain stop. The fact that you even posted here is a good thing it means you are still looking for options and you are asking for help. People break when put under undue stress and when they do they all break in different ways you are human. Every person goes thought a emotional break of some kind in their life we all break differently But there is a way back. You need to seek out help if you are dissatisfied with the people that are trying to help you. Find others call a suicide prevention help line talk to someone that can get you the resources you need. Meditation is not meant to deal with this kind of crisis. You have options , maybe they are options you have not thought of but I assure you they are there. If you can not see them then get other people involved to help you find other alternatives that you can not see. Please call someone Immediately.

Day 14 - Night I'm glad its time to journal because I'm having a bit of an epiphany here and you can bet your ass I'm taking you through it with me. As I'm sitting here, I keep thinking my past is pointless. I keep thinking the future doesn't really matter. There is, or at least was, a severe sense of depression as this began to hit me. Like truly depressing to the point I began to question what value my life even has. I can admit that suicide briefly crossed my mind but as I'm going through this, another sort of realization. The only thing that really matters is if I'm happy. I'm not happy. I feel cold even though I know I'm a very warm human being. Even as I'm writing this, thoughts of "why" and "what's the point" circle in my head. But I know exactly why I'm doing this! I don't frankly care what anyone thinks of me here, I do but I try not to. But I'm documenting this for two reasons. 1. For myself, even though what I read tomorrow from this or even 10 minutes after, its no longer relevant. Its gone, done. Am I happy journaling? Not really, but sort of. It helps me get this garbage out of my head so I can focus on what I want to do tomorrow. 2. I'm trying to document my thoughts exactly as they occur in some vague hope that someone, anyone, will read this and find it at least somewhat helpful. To know they are not alone in their struggles. So exactly what am I thinking right now? Nothing honestly. My mind feels empty at the moment but that overall message of meaninglessness, it keeps coming back in spurts. I know I have to find my own happiness worth while. But I'm still not happy! What can I do to change that? I'm not really sure. There is some contentment inside but I want to build! I want to earn! I want to feed! I want a damn job! I want a relationship! I want a few close friends! I may even want to find God. I've opened up my heart, I've prayed. Nothing. I don't feel any different. Or maybe I do? I'm not sure at this point. I could go into all the what ifs of it but I won't drag you through that. Not yet anyways lol! It's such a hard concept to grasp though, how can I be truly happy right this second? What can I do?! To be fully content right where I sit on this floor. Propped up against my pillows. My guitar, busted now, standing off to the left by the wall. My brother wasting away in front of his video games to my right. The urge to smoke cropping up in my head. The kitchen light is on, other big source of light in the living room where I lie. What would make me happy? My first thought, a woman by my side. My left arm wrapped around her, as she kisses me. But would that be realistic? How comfortable would that be for her? Lying on this floor next to me, listening to my brother scream at the game to stop cheating him! Yeah... That's not realistic. What else can I do right this second to be happy? Uncross my legs for one. My knee is hurting. Shift a bit. OK so there's really nothing I can do to change any of this right this second. So I can only try to accept that this is where I am right now. I know I want a job so bad, I know I want someone to love so bad it makes me nearly emotional, I know I want to be happy. I keep running around in circles in my head because my exterior world is not matching the changes in my interior world. I could waste an hour of my time trying to at least clean the apartment a bit but I don't see the point. My brother is extraordinarily messes and he likes to dig his hair out and leave it all over the floor. I wish I had a shop vac. I can't keep this up here. It's killing me to watch him waste away his life. I try my best not to judge and be supportive but this is just not working. I know he sees me changing, so he knows it's possible to do so. But I can't open his eyes for him. He just chooses to keep wasting and I can't keep being around that!.. Oh wow... So that's it? He's my brother. He's helped me, I wouldn't even be out here in Ohio if it wasn't for him! But I can't force him to see. I can't force myself to want to watch him waste his life away either. I need a big change and soon. Not interior, exterior. Change your playground, change your playmates, change your mind. So this is why I keep running in circles. I'm fairly satisfied with that answer. No, fully satisfied. Its going to hurt to do that, to leave him be. I know I'll still come back from time to time to make sure he isn't too far gone, but I can't keep living like this. I'm just taken aback a bit. I knew for a long time that being around my brother for long periods wasn't good for me but I don't know... I love my brother and I wish I could help him see. All I can do is lead by example. Hope that he sees. Which means I need to push harder to keep up my daily rituals, to stop fumbling around. Stand tall, be a man! Even despite all the doubts I have. That's all I got for tonight.

I have no medical background so I wouldn't dare declare that tourette's syndrome is what I have but ever since I began meditating and self-actualizing, I've started having these moments where I just say absolutely random shit that I have no control over. This used to be a problem in the past but I never payed much mind to it and now it begins to really bug me because lately, the things that have been coming out of my mouth have been really offensive and grim, to the point of legitimately stressing me out and making me feel very demoralized. Very often it's been something about suicide and I've never had the urge or impulse to kill myself, at least I don't think I did. Another weird factor is that this never happens around other people, only when I think I'm alone. It's like a rising urge that I can control around other people without effort but when I'm alone, it's absolutely undetectable. Is this a normal thing to experience and if so, how do I deal with that?

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site and was drawn to this thread as I frequently have suicidal images in my mind. I don't know that I'd say I think about suicide or desire it, but I sometimes get images of very clearly ending my life in different ways. It was interesting to read through some of the responses. I do try to do yoga, meditate, eat well, etc etc but my son is disabled and his care needs are quite complex so some days I run out of time or if I'm really tired I just fall asleep as soon as I start to relax. I feel incredibly trapped by our situation, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. So the post on feeling suicidal because of feeling trapped really resonated with me. There are some good thoughts and ideas on here. I look forward to reading more and getting to know people better

My Psychoanalyst once told me that the desire to stay alive can be very strong, he's a doctor also and he told me that once he saw a cop with a bullet in his head obviously in a very bad situation but still alive. I have had a lot of depression in my life, why didn't I attempted suicide yet? Because I am just too scared to die anyways or even worse being crippled.