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I Am Love I Am Light I Am Bliss I Am Free I Am One I Am Two I Am You I Am Me

Trip #2 (40mg DMT powder crystals extracted from Mimosa Hostillis; drank with water and fresh squeezed orange juice): 9/21/2019 Participant: Anonymous Gender: Male Body weight: 160 lbs? Known sensitivities: None History of psychedelic use: One previous trip where nothing happened (dosage too low at 15mg) Pre-Conditions: Set (mind): Fairly peaceful; spent day doing homework at library and feeling moderate sexual urges. Meditated/napped laying down for 3 hours in the morning. Somewhat antsy and restless about getting results with spirituality and experiencing god directly. Slightly impatient with the fact that I have not had any psychedelic breakthroughs, but I still respect the process and am committed to a lifelong journey of meditation, yoga, mindfulness, thoughtless awareness, and waking up from the dream of physical reality. Set (physical condition): Somewhat energetic; stomach is fairly full (I didn’t eat that much, but sometimes I get full quickly; I’m not bloated, but if I ate a bit more, I might quickly become bloated). My body feels comfortable and I feel like I can quickly shift between relaxed and active. Setting (location): Arizona, US; my studio apartment Time of day: 7:06 pm Recent drug use: None Last meal: 2 pm-is; peach smoothie; spinach/banana smoothie; brown rice; yellow bell pepper; kale; dandelion greens; 2 slices of wheat bread with hummus; Lara bar Bioassay: Substance(s): DMT extracted from Mimosa Hostillis Dose(s): 40 mg; I will take a second dose of 20 mg 2 hours into the trip if effects are inadequate Method of administration: pharmahuasca tea preceded by harmala mix (2:1:1 in tapioca capsule) Effects: Administration time: 8:27pm; nothing happened until about 9::20pm Duration: about 2 hrs 40 min First effects: 9:20pm; a droopy, tranquilized feeling Peak: 10pm – 12am; heightened consciousness continually forcing me into the present moment, then relaxing me into sickness/nausea, then pulling me back into the present moment with heightened consciousness Come down: 12am – 3:15am; Waking up after a 3-hour nap and just realizing the effects were mostly gone. Baseline: 4am Rated Effects (Scale of 1-10): Intensity: 5 Pleasantness: 4 Unpleasantness: 5 Visual Intensity: 1 (no hallucinations, but regular vision was heightened and more real) Hangover (duration): for 30 min after napping? Afterglow (duration): for 1 hour after the hangover thing? Preparation/Intention: Decided to do only one trip per month max. Set intention at least one week in advance: What ideally would I like to get out of my experience? I want to open my third eye to intelligent infinity. Questions to consider: -What is success to me and how will I know if I am heading in the right direction? To me, success is emulating sages like Lahiri Mahasaya in the sense that I can oscillate between formless and form gracefully. I will know if I am heading in the right direction when I can walk around at work with a dissolved mind (not even thinking that I am “at work”), yet have the mind spontaneously appear with all its relevant HVAC knowledge exactly when needed. Maybe fear will be involved, but I will not mind the fear—I will welcome it. Also, this whole oscillation will not involve hurting others or myself, or any sort of collateral damage that can come from aloofness—this is how I will know I am successful at my simultaneous spiritual/physical journey. Also, in meditation, my two primary criteria are how deep is my meditation bliss, and how long do I naturally enter the breathless state. Trip Report: Plan: 3- to 4- hour expectiation Ginger tea, sip once before, then throughout Take harmala, wait 50 minutes; recommended dose: 150-170 mg; my dose:170 mg Take pharmahuasca drink (DMT + water + orange juce); recommended dose: 30-80mg; my dose: 40 mg; take 2nd does of 20 mg 2 hours in if nothing much happens Expect trip to last no longer than 4 hours 7:06pm Took harmala tapioca capsule after soaking it in hot water for several minutes so it digests eaiser; meditated/read “secret power of kriya yoga” for 54 minutes until 8pm 8:00pm Weighed out 40mg; drank it with warm water and squeezed juice from an orange 8:27pm Drank DMT 9:20 pm-ish As a summary before I get into details, it appears the whole “trip” lasted about 3 three hours, from about 9:20pm to about 12am. Also, there were absolutely no visuals, and I guess I would classify this as a “bad trip,” although it wasn’t really horrifying or anything. I remember saying to myself, “On a scale of sick to high, this definitely feels more on the sick side.” And I thought, “I’m also not sure why sick and high are on the same spectrum . . . but they are right now, I guess . . . .” It didn’t feel blissful or divine, but there was a sense of self-aware humor and the present moment of me laying and walking around in my apartment was very real. I oscillated between sick/nauseous and awake/heightened reality/present. I kept saying to myself, “It keeps coming back. I don’t know what to do. It keeps coming back. Please help me. When will this stop? Go away, I get it. I get it. Go away. Go away.” “It keeps coming back” was referring to this sense of heightened consciousness whereby I really couldn’t think of anything else except what was happening in the present moment. I felt possessed, and I kept shaking my head and flailing my arms, and when I walked around, my body felt hot and tingly, and my legs were weak as if my entire body were exhausted and ready for sleep, yet my head was wide wide awake and refreshed. I remember saying to myself, “I feel nauseous like I’m going to throw up and have diarrhea, but then, just as I feel I’m going to vomit, the feeling resolves itself into feeling awake and refreshed, like I just woke up.” (Was this a result of the BDNF? I don’t know.) This oscillation happened maybe every 30 seconds or every minute. Anyway, on to the details. I was naked during the whole trip, as it’s just more comfortable I guess. No real effects happened between 8:27pm and 9:20pm. At 9:20pm, I was thinking I should get up and take another dose because I wanted something to actually happen during this trip. The second dose would have been the rest of my DMT because I didn’t have much left, and it would be about 20mg or so. I was beginning to think the DMT I had extracted was a dud, or I had let it sit in my freezer for too long, but then I started feeling relaxed and droopy in my body, yet my head was wide awake. My arms flailed here and there, sort of like I was having an incredibly mild, almost controllable seizure. I felt like I was being tranquilized by the harmala, and at this point, I still thought my DMT was a dud, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling the effects of the DMT, and I figured everything I was experiencing was because of the harmala, like it wouldn’t have mattered if I had taken the DMT at all. So for a while, a debate was going on in my mind (not in language, but subtle thoughts) about whether I should take that second dose because what was happening so far seemed kind of lame for a psychedelic experience. It almost felt more like food poisoning mixed with possession by heightened consciousness. And I distinguish between heightened consciousness and higher consciousness. Whatever my conceptions were of higher consciousness before this trip, this certainly didn’t feel like that. By heightened consciousness, I just mean that I was constantly being pulsed with a feeling of just waking up, my brain feeling really refreshed and not sleepy at all. And then the sick feeling would come back, but there weren’t any stomach aches or anything. Just a feeling like I was going to have diarrhea (although when I went to sit on the toilet several times, all that came out was gas) or vaguely like I was going to vomit (though I never did). It felt like my intestines were in the process of being tranquilized, and they were just relaxing and ready to evacuate anything in them. I felt like I was being constantly evacuated (though, again, nothing ever came out of either end). And for the heightened consciousness aspect of it, you might say I was on a rack of consciousness (like that torture device they used in medieval times), and my consciousness was being pulled open to heightened consciousness, and then relaxed back down, then pulled open again, and so on. Although the peaks never really got any higher, it was just up and down, up and down, always up to the same level. So, this next part will be sort of stream of consciousness of what happened during the “trip.” Anything I write in quotes is something I said to myself out loud (not too loud, usually just in whispers or low volume talking; also they’re probably not direct quotes, I’m just going off of my memory of it, which is slowly fading). I hesitate to call it a trip because it might have just been biological effects, but there was definitely something about this that shifted my reality and made me realize I was experiencing something I had never experienced before, it just didn’t feel particularly psychedelic. Also, whenever I spoke out loud, I had a slight anxiety and caution about not letting any of my apartment neighbors hear me. I lay on my bed and wonder if I should take more DMT. “I can’t tell if this is the . . . harmala . . . or the DMT.” I flail around a bit and walk over to the bathroom. I feel a little less nauseous standing. As I pass by my microgram scale on the ground which I used to weigh the dose, I put my hands out toward the scale and say, “Okay, I won’t take any more. I won’t take any more.” It was like my thinking process wasn’t really working, and any decisions that had to be made had to be said out loud. At first, I wasn’t really scared at all. I look at myself in the mirror. I look almost like a manikin. Sometimes after I meditate, I get this meditation high, and then I look at myself in the mirror and I do look sort of like a manikin, like my reality becomes sort of like a lucid, dissociated clay-mation puppet thing, and this was sort of like that—lifeless, yet having an alive is-ness. I sit on the toilet because I felt like I was going to have diarrhea, but then when I sit down, the feeling goes away. “What is happening? What is happening?” My face contorts like I’m crying, like I’m a kid who feels lost or something. “What have I done? Is this the DMT?” I keep reminding myself that I took a psychedelic, and I sort of imagine what I would say if I went outside and talked to the authorities or called 911 or just talked to a stranger. “I just . . . took . . . a psychedelic. I took harmala . . . and DMT. My name is *blank* and I work at *blank*, and I just took a psychedelic. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s happening. Please help me.” I walk around a little from my bathroom to my bed, and back to the bathroom, occasionally looking at myself in the mirror and talking to myself. Any thoughts or mental images that I have are quickly pushed out as the heightened consciousness pulls me back into the present moment and most of my memory goes. “Memory . . . memory . . . .” I will refer to the heightened consciousness as if it were an entity possessing me, but I might be misinterpreting what happened and I could be self-deluded. It wasn’t full force “Exorcism of Emily Rose” possession, nor did it feel demonic at all, but it felt vaguely other-worldly. Suffice it to say I had never experienced anything like this before and this was not “normal.” I look at myself in the mirror and my face and eyes contort as if to cry. “I don’t know what’s happening.” I stumble around from foot to foot and fall back gently into the wall, then stand up again and keep stumbling around. My head shakes from side to side. Sometimes when my head shakes, I make sounds like Jabba the Hut, and it feels like I’m a duck shaking something off. “What have I done? I don’t know what to do. Can I eat? Am I supposed to eat something?” I sit on the toilet and just lean sideways against the wall. My body feels exhausted like it’s sick, but my head is wide wide awake, yet I can’t really think very much. The heightened consciousness keeps pulling me back to present moment, like it wants me to face something. “What am I supposed to learn? Am I supposed to learn something? What am I supposed to learn? What do you want to teach me?” I walk over to my bed again, briefly stopping by the refrigerator as if to get something to eat, but I don’t take anything. I sit on my bed. “What am I supposed to learn?” My body feels hot and tingly, kind of tired, but my head doesn’t want to sleep at all. I am being pulled constantly awake, and my head feels refreshed. There is a slight feeling of anxiety and maybe fear, but ultimately I know I am okay. This whole thing is just foreign to me. “Am I the teacher? Find . . . just . . . .” I don’t know, man, I think of the first thing that comes to mind. “ . . . just be love. Just . . . be . . . just . . . be . . . love.” I calm down a bit. I walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet again. “What am I supposed to do?” My head shakes from side to side continually, as if I’m having a seizure. “I don’t know . . . what to do.” I look at the bathroom door and it looks very real. I focus on it, and it becomes augmented a little, like it’s “shining is-ness,” but there are no psychedelic visuals or anything like hallucinations. “I feel like I’m dying. But I’m still here. It keeps coming back. Fuck, it keeps coming back.” I’m referring to the heightened consciousness pulling me awake into the present moment and away from any thoughts. I imagine killing myself. It never turns into something I might actually do, but I don’t know what to do, so I just think of stuff. I can barely do anything. I feel tranquilized, but my head is wide awake. Again, I know I’m not going to hurt myself, but I’m just helping myself navigate through this experience and seeing what works in terms of thoughts or behaviors to make me aligned with “what feels right.” I imagine taking a knife and cutting my throat. Maybe shooting myself in the head. This calms me down a bit. This doesn’t seem to be what the heightened consciousness wants. It seems to want me to see something. It’s not giving me any thoughts. It’s like it’s revealing myself to me through my behavior and feelings in the present moment, but no thoughts or concepts or teachings come. It wants me to figure something out for myself. Like it’s showing me, “This is what you are. No interpretation, no analysis, no concepts. Just . . . raw . . . you. This is what you are. Behold.” But it wasn’t like I felt amazing about myself. It didn’t really mean anything, and it just felt kind of arbitrary. But it was all very very present. It’s almost like the angels of Christmas past and present or whatever, but this thing feels like it’s dragging me by the neck and showing me the present moment again and again, arbitrarily. It’s not saying anything to me, in thoughts or in subtle feelings or vibrations. Whatever is happening, I’m on my own, and if I’m supposed to learn something, I’m supposed to just figure it out. (This is just a way to describe how my body felt like it was possessed; I didn’t feel any sensations of grabbing, I didn’t feel any pain, and I didn’t feel violated in any way, but I did feel controlled by something.) And maybe I didn’t need to learn anything. Maybe it was an experience that meant nothing. Anyway, I look at myself in the mirror. I smile and giggle a little. “I don’t know what’s happening. What the fuck is happening? What the fuck is happening? Please stop. Stop . . . just stop. I get it. I get it. . . . Go away. Please stop.” I oscillate between imagining someone else observing me and seeing how weird this is, and then directly facing the present moment on my own, realizing I’m in a situation that I need to deal with, and imagining other people or other scenarios is not gonna work. I just have to face the present moment on my own. The heightened consciousness is just showing me the present moment—heightened—over and over. I’m not tired of it in an exhausted sense, but I do want it to stop because it feels weird, not blissful like meeting God or anything, and I keep oscillating back down to that nauseous state. And I feel hot and tingly and weak in the legs, almost like I have a fever, but, again, my head feels awake and refreshed. “I get it. I get it.” I want the experience to stop. There are moments of humor where I’m laughing at myself and seeing how strange this is. At one point, while I feel the urge to have diarrhea, I say, “My life . . . purpose . . . my life . . . purpose . . . is diarrhea. My life purpose is diarrhea.” I laugh at myself. A belly laugh, all the way up to my neck and face, and it feels good. “I get it. Please go away. Please stop.” My face contorts as if I’m crying. “When the fuck is this going to end? Just go away. God . . . is apparently lame. Aaahhh . . . go fuck yourself.” Essentially, I’m talking to the heightened consciousness, or to the experience itself, and then sometimes I talk to myself. I’m not claiming that I was actually experiencing God, but that was my initial intention beforehand, and so it was on my mind and I was just saying what came to mind. I imagine a girl from my childhood. “Alexandra . . . please help me.” I imagine all my coworkers and say their names. “Please help me . . . I love you. Please help me.” All at once I feel anxiety/anguish/sort-of-helplessness, and then the heightened consciousness pulls me out of that and then back into the present moment where thinking barely works and my head feels refreshed. It seems to want me to face the present moment. It’s not quite bullying me, but it is pushing me. At one point, I point at my penis and say, “This is my penis. This is my penis.” I look around and at the ceiling, and I’m pointing things out to the heightened consciousness (or maybe to myself) like a little kid just pointing things out. Just . . . a little kid pointing at its genitals. I grab a peach smoothie from the refrigerator and start drinking. I walk to the mirror. There are gnats flying around. I have an empty garbage bin on the bathroom countertop. Inside the bin, there’s a tray filled with apple cider vinegar. There is plastic wrap covering the top of the garbage bin, except with one corner pulled back. This is so I can catch the gnats since they’re attracted to the vinegar, and then release them outside. As a side note, in my personal life, I have a soft spot for insects, and I practice loving them. And I feel bad when I kill them. Anyway, I look at some of the gnats flying around and they remind me of fireflies. I talk to the gnats, “What am I supposed to do? What the hell is happening?” I sit down on the floor next to my refrigerator. “I just . . . want a cookie. I want a cookie. Can I . . . eat a cookie?” I grab a cookie-flavored Lara bar and I hold it for a while. As I try to open it, my hands are shaking and I can barely move. “What the fuck is happening? I don’t know what’s happening. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. . . . I’m sorry. . . . Please help me.” It takes me forever to open the Lara bar wrapper, and eventually I do it and eat the bar. I chew on it and my jaws is shaking like my hands. But I also have periods where my body just sits still, tired. And with each shake of my jaw, I chew the Lara bar. “Please stop. I just want this to stop.” My face contorts as if to cry, my body feels like it wants to evacuate something, through the mouth or the bottom, and then the heighted consciousness pulls me back to the present moment, head refreshed. My face has the expression of, “Fine, I guess you get your way. I guess I’m just gonna deal with you, then.” My lips purse a little. I get up and go to the mirror. I see my peach smoothie sitting on the bathroom counter, and I don’t remember putting it there. It seems like forever ago that I was drinking that. I pick the bottle up. “I remember you.” I kiss it and smile at myself in the mirror. I put it back in the refrigerator. I occasionally say, “I already said that. I already said that.” I was getting these feelings like I wanted to get out of the trip, and then the heightened consciousness would pull me back, so I figured it wanted me to admit defeat—admit that I’m weak and that I lost—admit that I didn’t know what the hell was going on, and in the face of this thing, I was a slobbering, blumbering fool with his thumb in his ass, begging for help (strangely, though, I never begged for help from my mother or from a generalized mother, I just “begged” for help in general). So every time I got that feeling that the heightened consciousness was trying to “put me in my place,” I got the feeling of, “Okay, you win. I’m weak, you’re powerful. I submit, I surrender.” And then I would say out loud, “I already said that. I already said that.” As if to say, “I already admitted defeat. I already surrendered. You got what you want, now let me go.” But it kept coming back. And I also vaguely forgot that I had previously “surrendered” until the next moment of surrender came. At one point, I’m looking for my mp3 player. “I need Bentihno Massaro. Help me . . . Bentinho . . . help me.” I keep looking for my mp3 player, but I can’t find it, and I have to force myself to look for it because the heightened consciousness keeps forcing me back into the present moment. And I almost forget than I’m looking for it. So I walk around somewhere else for a while, then remember to look for my mp3 player. I give up a couple times. Then I finally find it and sit on my bed and listen to what’s on there. It’s Leo Gura’s “What is God?” episode from his YouTube Channel, so I listen to that for a little while. Then I switch over to Robert Gass’s “Kyrie” because I feel like spiritual music will help me. After about 5 or 8 minutes, I pull out my headphones. The rest of the trip, both before and after this, was all experienced without headphones or any media or music. Just me and silence. I’m on all fours on my bed. “I can always . . . call 911.” Before these words came out, I felt some anxiety, like I needed to fix a problem. After the words came out, I realized this probably wasn’t the way to go, and the heightened consciousness wanted something else from me (also, I just didn’t feel like creating any hassle). It wasn’t so much that my intuition was making decisions, it was more like I was a slave to whatever was happening. Whatever happened just happened. The present moment made decisions by happening. Nothing was thought out beforehand. “This is still fucking happening. I took DMT. I took a psychedelic. When the fuck will this end? What have I done? What . . . have I done? It keeps coming back. It’s very persistent. Why is this lasting so long? . . . Oh, yeah, that fucking harmala . . . .” I walk to the mirror. Again, the heightened consciousness keeps pulling me back to the present moment, and I can’t think about or put my attention on anything else. Past goes, future goes. But it’s not really blissful. It’s almost like I’m surviving it. But when you’re trying to survive the present moment, it’s almost like an oxymoron because you feel slight panic like there’s an emergency, and then it’s just the present moment which is calming, dispelling, and . . . it’s just there. It’s like the heightened consciousness was constantly putting me in a state of emergency, and then soothing me, then emergency, then soothing me (this is an exaggeration to make a point; again, I never really felt in any danger, but it was, indeed, fucking weird). “I thought . . . God was gentle or something. I thought it supposed to listen to me when I asked for something. Please . . . stop. It’s . . . not stopping. It’s not stopping.” I felt like I was being possessed, and if this was God or Pure Awareness, it didn’t give a fuck what I wanted, but it also wasn’t harsh or painful. It just kept showing me the present moment. Oscillating between sick/nauseous and heightened consciousness/head refreshed. “Am I being punished?” Nah, I’m not being punished. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not malevolent . . . but it doesn’t seem kind or gentle or sweet either. Every time my mind tried to imagine something, like a scenario, or asking my coworkers or family for help, the present moment would just replace my imagination, and it was like I was imagining the present moment, but then the present moment was just there in front of me, so there was no need (or ability) to imagine anything. The heightened consciousness kept slamming me (exaggeration for clarity) and slamming me back into the present moment, like a bully smashing my head against a wall. Of course, being slammed into the present moment doesn’t really hurt, but it was very persistent . . . almost obnoxious. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. Please help me. Please stop. Just . . . stop.” I look at myself in the mirror and my head shakes again, and it’s like that scene in “Fight Club” where Brad Pitt gives his speech about the “all-seeing crap of the universe” and the screen starts shaking. So my head shakes and shakes, and I just look at my head in the mirror as it shakes, allowing it to look like that “Fight Club” scene. This happens a couple more times throughout the “trip.” I sit on the toilet. Lean sideways against the wall. I feel sick, and then I feel present. Oscillation. Continual oscillation. I feel weighted down on the toilet like you do when you’ve expelled a lot of vomit and diarrhea, and I feel empty (again, nothing actually came out). Everything was very real. Every thought I had was just pushed away by the present moment. “Memory . . . memory . . . .” My memory was very vague, and the present moment was the obnoxious answer to everything. “What am I supposed to do? What have I done? What the fuck is happening. I don’t know what’s happening.” My head shakes like a mini seizure or like Jabba the Hut or like a duck shaking off water. I make a sound with my lips like Jabba. Sometimes my breathing is shallow and then I take sudden inhalations—sudden gasps for air, like you do when you just wake up from a dream and shake your head a little. “3 or 4 hours. This thing will last only 4 hours. It’s going away. Just stop. It’s . . . stopping.” It wasn’t quite stopping, but it was fading a little. I was saying this more as a “spell” to cast this thing away. My arms flail occasionally. Like mini seizures, or when you just feel so sick and nauseous you have to move because you can’t stand being still. “Okay. I’m with you, man. I here for you, man. It’s okay if this lasts maybe 12 hours. A 12-hour trip? . . . Sure. 8:30pm . . . I started at 8:30pm. So . . . by 8:30 in the morning, if this thing hasn’t gone away, I’ll ask for help. Yeah. Okay.” Heightened consciousness slams me back into the present moment. Plans don’t last very long, but I do remember this plan since I said it out loud, and it feels good to have a vague plan. I lay on my bed. “Please help me. Please help me. Just go away. I get it. I get it. Just go away.” I am reminded of a time I was babysitting this kid named Nick. We were playing with Legos I think, and for some reason, I felt like whistling (I think it was “Summertime”). I was just whistling “Summertime” for a really really long time while we played with Legos, and eventually Nick asked me, “Could you stop whistling please?” And his tone showed he was pretty annoyed with me. That’s how I felt about this heightened consciousness. It was annoying me. “I get it. I get it.” I sort of felt a whining feeling as I said this, maybe like I was being lectured by someone, but the lecture didn’t resonate, and I just wanted them to shut up. “I get it. Go away. I get it. Please stop. Please *gasp* stop. Please help me. No one . . . is going to help me. No one . . . is going to help me.” I laugh a little. My face contorts as if to cry. A thought of Leonardo DiCaprio from “The Wolf of Wall Street” crawling on Quaaludes enters my mind, and I laugh a little. I lay in stillness on the side of my bed. “. . . No one . . . is going . . . to help me.” I feel rather peaceful, even though the words seem panicky. This is a foreign experience, and I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t feel in any real danger. Like waiting for a fever to pass, maybe? I don’t know . . . . I lay on my back, very still. I grab my blanket. “This is a good spot. This is perfect. This is good. This is good.” 12am-ish I fall asleep. Not deep sleep, I don’t think, but more like a shallow nap, but I was definitely more in the subconscious state than wakeful. During my shallow sleep, there were still those nauseous, anxious-yet-not-really-fearful qualities that were there during the trip, but again, it wasn’t as wakeful as during the trip. And I don’t really remember any dreams I might have had. 3:15 am-ish I wake up and realized the DMT has worn off. I don’t particularly feel like writing about it, so I just lay there and get dressed in a sweater and leg thermals because I do feel cold. Eventually, at about 3:50 am, I go to my laptop and start writing all this. 4am As I write all this, I get up and have my first bowel movement since maybe late the previous morning. Again, there was no vomit or bowel movements during the trip. Reflection: I don’t really know what the lesson was. That thing I said during the trip about “just be love” might be the lesson from this. That idea feels pretty good, I suppose, and it felt pretty good when I said it, but there wasn’t any deep resonation in my heart like a profound insight or anything. Or maybe it was just showing me how deep and real (and refreshingly obnoxious?) presence can be. I mean, it didn’t feel deep in a profound sense, only in the sense that it was lucid, and thinking was very difficult over the power of the presence. Or maybe the “somewhat benevolent bullying” was meant to reveal subtle levels of pride within me that I wasn’t previously aware of, and which I must now learn to surrender. And maybe I need to learn to develop true devotion, but I thought I had a certain degree of devotion already, but maybe this heightened consciousness revealed to me that my level of devotion is actually rather pathetic, and it’s actually tinged with pride and arrogance. Or perhaps this is meant to show me that I might be bullying myself in the way I approach self-inquiry, or jnana yoga, and that I need to infuse more self-love. So maybe I need to focus more on kriya and especially bhakti yoga. Self-love does seem to be a major theme for my life, so that could be it . . . . I’ve been practicing it plenty, but I could always deepen it. Or maybe it was showing me that I need to be more intense with my self-inquiry. Maybe I was a little reckless with this trip and should have prepared more by deeply establishing my intention throughout the previous week and keeping my mind a lot more calm than it was (it was fairly calm, but it could have been more calm). There was a slight feeling like the DMT was telling me that it wasn’t something to fuck around with or jump into quickly. The DMT (if it did, in fact, work properly and wasn’t faulty because of my extraction method) wasn’t quite punishing me or acting malevolent because there was a sense it was trying to show me something. So it was forgiving in that sense, I suppose. I’m not sure if it felt wise, though. It just was. What happened is what happened. But I was able to walk around and talk and stuff. I was barely able to do things because I felt tranquilized, but I could activate my will and focus, and then I was able to walk and do things. So maybe I didn’t take enough, because I feel like you’re not supposed to be able to move during a DMT trip. Maybe the DMT I extracted is faulty somehow, but it definitely isn’t a pure “dud.” It definitely has effects. I’m still not fearful of it, but I’m not necessarily eager to have that experience again. I suppose next time, if this same thing happens again, I won’t be afraid to take another 20 or maybe 40mg on top of the initial 40mg. I read that the safe dosage is 30 to 80mg. This was, overall, a “bad” trip I guess, but it wasn’t really all that bad. But that’s certainly the aftertaste. I don’t feel like I just experienced something blissful and wonderful, but it wasn’t terrifying or horrifying enough to make me turn away from experiencing it again. I really don’t think I reached that threshold breakthrough point, but I’m also not sure if my DMT extraction method is 100% perfect. My first trip, nothing happened, so that eliminated fear of DMT entirely. This was my second trip, and although it wasn’t blissful or divine, but rather weird and strange, it was still other-worldly enough and present/heightened consciousness enough to keep me intrigued and to want to explore more. I’m gonna have to extract more DMT, though. I’m also still not completely sure how much of the effects was the harmala, and how much was DMT. Maybe I’ll have to take harmala by itself to find out. This was a little weird, a little lame, and it almost feels like there’s nothing worth reporting, but it was other-worldly and strange enough that I’m convinced something legit was going on during this trip. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, and I’ll continue exploring . . . mindfully and with respect.

The real problems started when I got awakened to how much I was suffering after attending a meditation course. Haha. That’s when all this deep deep suffering began. Since then I’ve been clawing my way out slowly, and not without a massive fight. And I’m still not strong enough. Funnily enough, some of my most massive sufferings of late have been contrasted by huge feelings of bliss and happiness. Like, the work I’m doing is working, I’m catching glimpses of the light, but I’m still deep deep in the cave. I will look into the books you mention, I like the idea of running with my own kind of wolves, if I think I know what that means...follow my own path?

On Death From Anas Ibn Malik, Prophet Muhammad says ; " Let not anyone wish for death because of the sufferings that they experience. When they really need (to wish for death), it's enough to say ~ O Allah, keep me alive so long as being alive is good for me, and take my life away if death is good for me~ " [Bukhari] Sometime ago, another guru says that those who are dead will wish to return and be alive. Both the good and the bad. The good, because they want more; to add their good deeds, the bad because they will wish that they are good when they're alive. When you die, it will be over for you. In whatever state you're in when you die, that will be your level/state to infinity. He told me, what is in front of you is more deserving of your attention that those who have died (people of the past). When you have died, you can look at others who are still alive, but there's nothing you can do about it. But those who are still alive can give their prayers and good deeds to the dead, it will benefit them. And you get double the reward, one for doing it yourself, the other for giving it to others. There are three things The living before the dead The present/seen before the absent/unseen A man before a woman It does not mean the latter is lesser than the former. It is wisdom. By another guru - July 14th - Those who are alive will have chances to increase their rewards&state, but also with appropriate trials and sufferings relative to their chances of getting the good chances. While the dead, it's over. There's nothing you can do anymore, if you're good, then you're good. If you're bad, then it will be bad to infinity. The thing is, no one knows what is their state except God. Those who are right in front of you, have more rights over your attention than those who are dead or absent. God created Adam first, from him He created Hawa/Eve. (Hawa means lust in Arabic) Men & Women in Islam have special roles & rules, each are different but our similarities are connected at the soul level. We are not meant to be the same but equal. Equal here is synonym to infinite differences. But equally just. Our chances are equal. But in different ways. This is what happen when you die physically [ 50:QAF ] 16. And We have created human beings and knows what is whispered in their hearts , and We are closer to him than his jugular veins. 17.When two angels records (their actions), one on their right,the other on their left. 18.Not a single word does he utter except that there are angels by his sides observing (always ready to record his deeds). 19.And the stupor of death will bring truth(before his eyes): This was the thing which you were trying to escape. 20.And the Trumpet shall be blown, that will be the Day that was warned. 21.And there will come forth every soul; with each will be an angel to (walk you) , and an angel to bear witness. 22."Indeed! You were heedless of this; now We have removed your veil, and your sight is sharp this Day." 23.And his Companion (the angel) will say; "Here is (his record) ready with me" ...continue till verse 45 ... There are rules which are the SAME for men & women. And there are rules which are DIFFERENT for men & women. The former, is at soul level. The latter, at the physical heart, body & mind level. MEN & WOMEN IN ISLAM SAME RULES 4:124 Whoever do good deeds, be it a male or a female, and have faith, they will enter Heaven, and not the least injustice will be done to them. 35:29 Those who rehearse the Book of Allah, establish regular prayer, and spend(in charity) out of what We have provided for them, secretly and openly, hope for a commerce that will never fail: For He will pay them their reward, nay, He will give them (even) more out of His Bounty: for He is Oft Forgiving, Most Ready to appreciate(service). (This is a reminder for Qarun , the richest man in Egypt during the time of Moses. I have visited the remains in Egypt.) [28:77] " But seek, with the (wealth) which Allah has bestowed on you, the Home of the Hereafter, nor forget your portion in this world: but do good, as Allah has been good to you, and seek not mischief in the land: for Allah loves not those who do mischief." He said : " This has been given to me because of a certain knowledge which I have." Did he not know that Allah had destroyed, before him, (whole) generations- which were superior to him in strength and greater in the amount (of riches) they had collected? But the wicked are not called (immediately) to account for their sins. ISLAM IN A NUTSHELL 6:151 Say (O Muhammad) : " Come, I will rehearse what Allah has (really) prohibited you from : join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents; do not kill your children for fear of poverty- We provide sustenance for you and for them- come not near to shameful deeds. Whether open or secret; kill not life, which Allah has made sacred, except by way of justice and law : thus does He command you, that you may learn wisdom. 6:152 And come not near to the orphan's property, except to improve it, until he attain the age of full strength; give measure and weight with (full) justice- no burden do We place on any soul, but that which it can bear- whenever you speak, speak justly, even if near relative is concerned; and fulfill the Covenant of Allah; thus does He command you. That you may be righteous. 7:33 Say (O Muhammad) : " The things that my Lord has indeed forbidden are: shameful deeds, whether open or secret; sins and trespasses against truth or reason; assigning partners to Allah, for which He has not given any authority; and saying things about Allah of which you have no knowledge." I think I'll just list it [ SAME RULES ],pretty much everything. All worships and conduct. (Except when it comes to period, women can't fast, or pray, or read the Quran, or do the pilgrimage, or have sex. But we can do the zikr: remembrance of God.& everything else) [2:222] They ask you about menstrual cycle. Say: " Menstruation is impurity." So keep yourself away from women when they are on their period and do not approach them until they are clean. When they have purified themselves, you may approach them in any place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who return to Him in repentance & those who keep themselves pure&clean. For women, we can't enter the mosque when we are on our period. For men, they can't enter the mosque when they haven't purified themselves (mind after drinking, the body after having intercourse). *drinking here is when alcohol was still not prohibited back then. After some time, a new verse was revealed prohibiting drinking. [4:43] O you who believe, approach not your prayers with a mind befogged (*drunk) ,until you can understand all that you say- nor in a state of ceremonial impurity(except when travelling on the road), until after washing your whole body. If you are ill, or on a journey, or one of you comes from relieving, or you have been in contact with women, and you find no water to wash yourself (& for ablution), then take for yourselves clean sand or earth, and rub therewith your faces and hands. For Allah is all Forgiving and the best Forgiver. (we call it tayammum : sand bath X ablution haha) (there is another thing where you wash yourself with earth or mud water, when you touch a dog or a pig haha. Because it is not clean. Actually you can touch a dog when it's dry) SAME RULES: Karma [4:92] Never should a believer kill a believer; but (if it so happens) by mistake, (compensation is due): if one (so) kills a believer, it is ordained that he should free a believing slave, and pay compensation to the deceased's family, unless they remit it freely. If the deceased belonged to a people at war with you, and he was a believer, the freeing of a believing slave(would be sufficient). If he belonged to a people with whom you have treaty of mutual alliance, compensation should be made to his family, and a believing slave be freed. For those who find this beyond their means, (is prescribed) a fast for two months: by way of repentance to Allah: for Allah has all knowledge and all wisdom. [4:93] If a man man kills a believer intentionally, his recompense is Hell, to abide therein (forever): and the wrath and curse of Allah are upon him, and... SAME RULES : Both men and women can't marry a disbeliever Do not marry unbelieving women(idolaters), until they believe: a slave women who believes is better than an unbelieving women, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls/daughters) to unbelievers until they believe: a slave man who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do(but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons you by His Grace to the Garden(of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: that they may celebrate His praise. [2:221] SAME RULES : On demeaning others O you who believe, let not some men among you laugh at others: it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): nor let some women laugh at others: it may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames: ill-seeming is a name connoting wickedness, (to be used of one) after he has believed: and those who do not desist are (indeed) doing wrong.[49:11] EQUAL RULES : Good men for good women, bad men for bad women (On Adultery & slandering) 24:2 The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah & the Last Day : and the punishment needs to be witnessed by some believers. (This is, when you can bring forth four witnesses to their adultery and fornication. Only then should they be punished.) *not feel empathy to both that will refrain you from applying Allah's law* 24:3 Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman; to believers such thing is forbidden. 24:4 And those who accused good women (of adultery) without bringing forth four witnesses(to support their allegations), flog them 80 times and you are not allowed to take their oath /take them as witness forever. For such people are wicked transgressors. 24:5 Unless they repent and mend(their conduct); for Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful. Islam is a religion of justice, no chance to avoid responsibilities. Both men & women. 24:6 [MEN] And for those who launch a charge against their spouses, and have (in support) no evidence but their own,- their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times(with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth; 24:7 And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie. 24:8 [WOMEN] But it would avert the punishment from the wife, if she bears witness four times (with an oath) by Allah, that (her husband) is telling a lie; 24:9 And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth 24:10 If it were not for Allah's grace and mercy on you, and that Allah is Oft-Returning, Full of Wisdom- (you would be ruined indeed). ... 24:23 Those who slander chaste women, indiscreet but believing, are cursed in this life and in the Hereafter: for them is a grievous Penalty. (this verses actually refers to the time when Aisha was accused of adultery by some men, but the wisdom behind this is relevant till now) 24:26 Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure. And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity : these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable. EQUALITY : At soul level for both men & women. 33:35 For Muslim men & women - for believing men & women, for devout men & women, for true men & women, for men & women who are patient and constant, for men & women who humble themselves, for men & women who give in charity, for men & women who fast (and deny themselves) , for men & women who engage much in Allah's praise- for them has Allah's praise- for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward. 33:36 It is not fitting for a believer, man or women, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His messenger, to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path. (this is referring to when the prophet was instructed by Allah to marry Zainab when her husband has divorced her, but the prophet was a bit scared of the people and hide it in his heart. Then Allah revealed this verse so he have to tell it to others since it is a revelation). 33:37 Behold! You did say to one who had received the grace of Allah and your favour : " Retain you (in wedlock) your wife, and fear Allah." But you did hide in your heart that which Allah was about to make manifest: you did fear the people, but it is more fitting that you should fear Allah. Then when Zayd had dissolved (his marriage) with her, with the necessary (formality), We joined her in marriage to you: in order that (in future) there may be no difficulty to the believers in (the matter of) marriage with the wives of their adopted sons, when the latter have dissolved with the necessary (formality)(their marriage) with them. And Allah's command must be fulfilled. 33:38 There can be no difficulty to the prophet in what Allah has indicated to him as a duty. It was the practice (approved) of Allah amongst those of old that have passed away. And the command of Allah is a decree determined. (It is to create a blueprint for Muslims. A living example. That's why God didn't send down an angel, but a human being. So that he can be a 'possible' example) Relevant wisdom : In my religion, we had something called a prayer which is made for decision making. Usually when someone do it, they will get a guidance, and answer from Allah & His messenger. When you get that answer, you can't go against it (sometimes i do try to go against it just for the sake of it, when I still have doubt, or because of ego). That is the best for you. If it is conflicting with your own desire, you still have to follow it. Following your desire might not be good for you, only God knows what is best for you. For His Knowledge is all encompassing. I trust Allah more than my finite judgement. Following Allah's Guidance at every moment...having no preferences when it has been made clear. My preferences would be that of which Allah likes. When Allah likes something, that thing must be the best. Because Allah's Knowledge is all encompassing. Literally. It's a privilege to be His slave. God of all creations, from the beginning till the end. Seen and unseen. Known & unknown. And He answered my prayers. Through anything possible in my bubble of reality. Usually when i still have doubt, I will ask God why it is best for me? To show me why. You'll get your answer. DIFFERENT RULES : The difference between male & female in Islam is more on the etiquette, appearances and social aspect. Why men are different than women in Islam? 4:34 . (Husbands) are the protectors and maintainers of their (wives), because Allah has given the one more(strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have the guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, first you have to give them advice, (if they are still disobedience) separate their beds, (and if still do) beat them (lightly with a...fern leaf): but when they return to obedience, do not look for ways to annoys her: for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all). Why are men taller and larger than women? Why are they stronger? Do not envy one another. 4:32 . And do not envy to what have been bestowed from Allah His gifts more freely on some of you than the other: to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn : but ask Allah of His bounty. For Allah has full knowledge of all things. 4:33 . And to both (men & women) We have appointed shares and heirs to property left by parents and relatives. To those, also, to whom your right hand was pledged, give their due portion. For truly Allah is witness to all things. 11,12, on heirs. Actually this surah is more about family rules and laws. Men have different portions than women. We had a slightly distinguished roles, based on our creation. It is different. On lowering their gaze, Men & Women 24:30 [MEN] Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: and Allah is well acquainted with all that they do. 24:31 [WOMEN] And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs(really old servants), or small children who have no sense of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers! Turn you all together towards Allah, that you May attain Bliss How can men not feel anything not wearing a top? Because they are not pretty haha no one would care even if they wear only shorts. But women are more delicate and precious, you don't wanna be looked at by the perv. This might not be normal for everyone here, but in my culture, you don't wanna be attractive sexually when you're out in daily life, you just wanna be treated normally with respect. You don't wan't your friends to be attracted to you sexually. That's really messed up. What more a stranger. (When you only need one person to marry). My addition : Leo talks about homosexuality & LGBTQ. In Islam, there is a reason why men have to cover from their navel to the knees from other men(&women). As for women with women, it's the same (it is not obligatory to cover the other parts when we are with women). And for both men with men & women with women, we are not allowed to sleep under the same sheet. For example, if i wanna sleep with my female friend or my sister, we will need to have our own blanket. Same with men. If you don't control your sexual passion it will stoop as low as wanting to have sex with a child. There's a limit in everything. All with it's own wisdom. HOMOSEXUALITY is a result of lust(lower version) and a learned behaviour. Maybe you are sexually abused. Or because you are exposed to it since you are young and take it as normal. When it's not. You can make it normal, but it's not what's pure to your natural being/soul. It's mind setting. What do gay couples get when they got married? Satisfy their lust (that's only it). You can't have a child together. You'll still need a surrogate mother, in other words, not your 'love' child, but of a stranger... and then both of you will die, leaving a child whose parents is a father & a father...while his/her actual mother is a stranger who leaves you...I want a mother. Can I even trust these fathers if I'm a girl? TRANSGENDER You can't change your physical body no matter how much it appears to be (changed). Transitioning your physical body, will make you lose more than what you are born with. The quality, health, happiness all reduced to a lower value. It won't be the same anymore, you might be satisfied with the "appearance" . But that's it. Just appearances. It's not worth the pain and what you've lose by transitioning. Actually it applies to all cosmetic surgery, when it's not for health reason. My standard of beauty is ; however you are born with(your genes) is fine given that you have a good & healthy body. Good here means you're all toned and healthy. Without any diseases. Healthy skin,hair, mind, body & soul, lifestyle. When you go under the knife, it will reduce your overall quality. It feels like something will break if I touch it. Your nose, or your jaw...I think transgenders are really messed up. Because there's no one to tell them that they shouldn't do it. It hurts, and not worth what you lose. Your healthy natural physical body without a single bruise or marks. Internal bruises.. You can be interested in a male or female oriented things without changing your body or appearances. What does your interest have anything to do with physical appearances? Notice these social construct. If you're a man, and you love pretty things, then that's it. Love pretty things but don't cut yourself up. I personally love skating and running around with my cam, but I don't cut my hair short. Because I'm fine with being a feminine woman. What does that have anything to do with appearances? Whatever I feel like doing, is that of a female, because I'm a female. Born into a female (body&soul).My spirit is neutral though. Anyway, I'm not talking about those who are born with both (physically male&female). Islam have different rules for these physically ambiguous people. ... I THINK it's weird when respect & 'human rights' is compared to 'what you do to your body' & your sexual preferences. What does that have anything to do with each other? I treat everyone the same, whoever you are, but that doesn't make changing your physical body right and it doesn't make following your lower desires right. Why do you wanna be treated specially? Yea fine, do as you wishes, but why do you wanna force me to accept that it's 'right' when it is not in my standard? You might as well just accept what is, than wanting to keep up with those lies you tell yourself till you die physically. I don't think people would even care if you wanna change yourself unless you are their family & their loved ones. It became a problem when it interferes with my personal values and rights. For example, I'm a Muslim, we have something that can't be trespassed. There's no way that a man can be treated as a women, no matter how much your appearance resembles that of a woman. The thing with transgenders is that they wanna be treated as equal as the real one. It can't be. You still can't shake hands with me. I still have to be modest with you. We can't live together as roommates. You're still a man. That's it. Don't get into a female public toilet. I'm glad that Islam is protecting our boundaries. When men are still men. And women are still women. Mentally & physically healthy. With what they are born with. Why do women have to cover up more than men in Islam? Because we are created differently. Do you like it when strangers look at you in a sexual way? I don't. Your family members won't do that to you (even if you wear freely), you can trust them, blood related relatives won't wan't any harm for you. But it's different with strangers. All women of religion are modest in their appearance. The more layers you wear, the more classy you'd be. This is what happen when you die physically [ 50:QAF ] 16. And We have created human beings and knows what is whispered in their hearts , and We are closer to him than his jugular veins. 17.When two angels records (their actions), one on their right,the other on their left. 18.Not a single word does he utter except that there are angels by his sides observing (ready to record his deeds). 19.And the stupor of death will bring truth (before his eyes): This was the thing which you were trying to escape. 20.And the Trumpet shall be blown, that will be the Day that was warned. 21.And there will come forth every soul; with each will be an angel to (walk you) , and an angel to bear witness. 22."Indeed! You were heedless of this; now We have removed your veil, and your sight is sharp this Day." 23.And his Companion (the angel) will say; "Here is (his record) ready with me" ...45 Anyway, it's not the matter of believing it or not believing it. You can try to duplicate everything, but Truth will be Truth. It is unavoidable. It can't be otherwise. You can fake something but the real one will still be real. As long as you're sincere, you'll be able to differentiate the two. It will be obvious. ... RANDOM HADEETH From Abu Huraira, he said : " Prophet of Allah said: 'O Allah, I am only a normal human being, if any of the Muslims I have despise or cursed or hit, turn it into a zakah or a blessings for him' " 17.9.19 ... This is some of my understanding about Islam. Islam is very basic. It didn't tell you specifically on how to design a good city. Or how to make a good film. You know what I mean? It came to correct good conduct. Everything else is a manifestation of a collective inner self. Your city, is a manifestations of your inner values & the people's culture/lifestyle . You family structure, is a manifestation of your inner self. Your physical body, is a reflection of your roots. Your community and leaders, is a reflection of it's people. An enlightened being can recognize the roots of everything. Wherever they place their eyes on, they will recognize it's deepest roots. As is, without any distortion. Read 35: 12-23 29:38 24: 39-41 I don't know, it's endless. Actually I have known a lot. It can't be otherwise... 18:29 ... ANOTHER SAMENESS : Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has Faith, verily, to him will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure, and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions [16:97] . (Allah's rewards can be both in this world and the next) Recommended to read the rest of the verses from here on. I see many people don't know what Islam is.

@Alex bliss you will get more clear the more you’re honest with yourself. Don’t underestimate how powerful being honest with yourself is. No one can give you an answer man. Only you can know you. Only you can know when it is you truly do KNOW. It will be apparent. It’ll only be intellectual so long as you’re hiding at that surface level place. Develop concentration and mindfulness, inquire for you - not the question, be honest with yourself about everything that comes up, and surrender. If it helps though... notice that wherever you put your attention, there’s a very subtle sensation/thought that there is one that is experiencing. Put your attention on that and wonder.

@Alex bliss

@Alex bliss i'm sure he'd be sad... or actually, very angry! but he will surely stop you or run away

The first insight I got at the doctor's stone foundation was that I was afraid. It was a pretty obvious insight, I was in the middle of the woods, I didn't know who or what was around or what I would find. But the significance of it the the benefits that could be on the other side of that fear really shone through. I quit drinking coffee and saw how it fueled my anxiety. The second was that, I was still afraid, but this time it presented in the way of feeling like I was unworthy to be there, trespassing on someone's property. I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I knew from the feeling of the insights that they were important. If I went back too soon for another, I wouldn't receive it. If I returned when I felt really drawn to go back, I would. The third insight was from a literal tree. It was an ash tree that was one tree until it had grown into two trees at about height of my chest. The trees were really damaged there and were splitting apart. It was a little windy and the tree actively made splitting sounds as I looked at it. Then I understand that nonduality also included duality. I've seen the same illustration from others before with the tree. I had been unconscious of how much I moralized spirituality and denied my own desires. In order to control my anger, which is the reason I found Leo's videos in the first place, I had also tried to kill the fiery passion I've always had. I had demonized and let a part of myself die. My mind had taken the present moment and made it into an ideal and a thought. The shadow work intensified and I lost the sense of doership. Revelations came in the middle of the night and strange connections were made between things. The best thing I can compare it to if you've ever read Harry Potter, it's like the conclusion of those books when this complicated interwoven story with at the time, seemingly insignificant clues from earlier in the book comes together and all makes sense in the end. It was like that with my entire life. Reality is stranger than fiction. Sometimes thinking back on my life, particularly turning points and times of major conflict, or events like how my parents met, I've thought about how it's too strange to be real. The shadow work showed me that my hunch had been right. Lots and lots of pieces came together. I realized that in a way I had always been awake. The things my kids and husband said to me were channeled and had deeper meaning. Everything fell together in a creepy magical nonduality. All this time I was just managing to hold me life together, dropping off and picking up my kids. If anyone asked why I had been crying (there was tons and tons of tears) I told them it was because my dog was dying, which was true. The dying dog was interwoven into the story. I hadn't asked for the dog, I took him as a favor for my best friend. He had always been a creepy dog, nothing like the purebreds I bought as puppies. Sometimes he would just stare and stare at me and sometimes I had the thought that he was possessed or had been human in a past life. I realized then, that he was more than just a dog. When things started getting intense he literally stared at me all day long. After the awakening, he got so sick I decided that week to have him put to sleep. I had to hire an excavator for some plumbing work, and I had the man dig a grave for me under an old apple tree. The very next morning he passed away on his own. There was a lot of shadow work dealing with the repression of my Christian upbringing. I realized that I was figuratively a whore all along regardless of how pure I had been and I realized the significance of Mary Magdalene being a whore. Verses I had always understood were understood on an even deeper level. Matthew 5:27-28 27 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. I had the insights of how psychedelics are themselves a trope, a thought, an element of the story and my reasons for judging them so harshly were gone. It couldn't really be possible to take something external when everything is you. How I had benefited from other's use of psychedelics! My bizarre experience of sort of tapping into Leo's "Enlightenment Experience Happening In Real Time" live video and having been in a near bliss state for hours after made sense. Months before this I had really started disagreeing with Leo's videos. A little part of me felt guilty coming to his forum and using his website when I so disagreed with his approach. I basically came to the forum to try to help set people straight because I was concerned that he was deluding people and I was concerned that people were ruining their lives with psychedelics. Whenever I saw his picture on the homepage I was disgusted. I finally understood how incredibly valuable and integral his work had been for me, how the forum had been. I had given Eckhart Tolle all the credit, but never fully appreciated Leo. I made the connection between Leo and the symbol of a lion. My shadow work started getting religious. I fully understood what the Devil was. He was truly part of me, part of my psyche, part of oneness. Leo had made me intellectually understand and accept this fact, but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I was Voldemort, I was the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia, the books that made me start believing in Jesus as a lion, as a kid and helped me reconcile Christianity and my deep love of nature. There's something associated with me, an area code that is 666. As a Christian I was always horribly embarrassed about this. Now I understood how fitting and how funny it had been. Jesus came back into my life. If my own life and memories were just a story what was Jesus? I understood communion, "you must eat the body of Christ." The hamburger I had for lunch became a "holy cow" and the body of Christ. Nonduality and oneness gave this a whole new meaning. Other smaller revelations and synchronicity fell into place. Then, on my 666th post, I was awake. My third eye had opened to synchronicity and insight before the awakening. Now my heart chakra was open. It felt completely light, like it had lost its physical substance. In my sleep I felt weightless. I started manically posting on the forum, professing my love for everyone. I was literally high on life. My vision changed, literally. It was like a scene in a movie when everything is enchantingly bathed in light, that's how I saw. The picture on Leo's homepage changed and I saw the honest love in his eyes. I could scroll Facebook and love and see the beauty in every single face I saw as if it were my child's. I went to the beach where you can find fossils if you spend a lot of time looking. I would have the insight to turn a rock over and it would be covered in fossils. As a normally extremely shy person, I lost all shyness and inhibition in conversation and I became magnetic and always had the right thing to say to strangers. My balance became perfect, and I could walk across any surface without tripping as long as I was focused. I had to drive somewhere in slippery dangerous snow and spent the entire drive in a bliss state knowing that I could never die. My mind had been blown open. It felt like there was space between my eyes that didn't exist. If I looked at a tree or my baby niece I would feel the space expand or tingle. I understood hidden meanings in symbols and signs. Things people said to me often felt channeled. I realized the importance of my dreams and how dreams had shaped my entire life, including dictating who I fell in love with. Devilry set in. Everything I had been repressing for so long was coming through. I had been very tight with money for years, and I bought myself a new wardrobe, books, tarot cards, anything I wanted without a second thought. My conversations with men online weren't considerate to my husband or appropriate. I had been repressing my femininity ashamed of all the girly things I'd always loved, letting society make me think they were silly or insignificant. At the same time repressing my own feminine power. I was very confused between believing that everyone was already enlightened and just had been waiting for me to catch up to them and feeling like "the chosen one." My American patriotism I'd had as a child hit me full force and I realized that I had repressed gratitude for my country in an attempt to be politically correct. Other insights came from this. After the devilry played out, I had a religious revival. I did not want to live a life of devilry and didn't know what else to do. I was scared of myself. I realized that people like Charles Manson had also been awake. So I said "Jesus take the wheel." Like with my lack of appreciation for Leo, I had not fully appreciated how far Christianity had taken me on my spiritual path. I even started praying again. Then I discovered Ramji and his understanding of levels of enlightenment. This explained so much, it explained the stages I went through, the devilry I fell into, and it fully explained my religious revival. "if you meet Buddha on the road, kill him." It's very easy to misinterpret realizations and how they should be embodied after the fact. As the effects of the awakening died down I started meditating and found that it grounded me. I continued to return to the place where the doctor's house had been and I dug deeply into his history. His house had burned down when my Grammie was 20. He died a few months before she was born. She died days after I found the remains of his house, a month before the awakening. Visiting her had always made me incredibly sleepy. I always thought that it was because she was boring but it was uncanny how strong the effect was. Her parents were buried two lots away from his grave, not one had ever told me that they buried in that cemetery. I found a piece of glass that had been part of the highest window in his house and made it into a tear shaped necklace. To this day I find little signs there and I enter states and places where everything is channeled and fits into place of a greater story. Over the months I made many connections between his history and symbolism. I met a woman at the place by the river and she had a very old pug dog that my daughter played with. A week or so later someone donated a photo album to the historical society and it had lots of pictures of the doctor's pug. There are several old apple trees on his property and just about every old abandoned place I go around town. Years ago when I first moved here, there was an active graffiti artist around. On a telephone pole they painted the word forever and right before the telephone pole was an apple tree that had been broken off by a storm. That summer the apple tree flowered and bore apples as if nothing had ever happened to it with the word "forever" in the background. In the winter before I discovered the remains of the doctor's house, a small fox ran across my path while I was running right by there. I discovered fox holes in the woods by the cemetery later. This summer I went up the steps to the platform and on the other side feet from me was the fox. We both ran away from each other. Later, when I went back I found the remains of a white rabbit, a huge pile of fur and just one foot. The white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland comes to mind. There have been too many signs and strange connections like this to mention, strange apple trees, mushrooms, trees with eyes. Time in nature has become like a psychedelic trip for me. If I get the inclination to go somewhere, I do. I looked a lot into the history of witchcraft and the use of poisonous plants including nightshade as a hallucinogens. The nightshade plant that the crows planted on the doctor's grave was purely symbolic. To me psychedelics and poison are a trope, a symbol, a pointer. Death without physical death. The color red became very symbolic and kept coming up again and again and again since the awakening. The story "The Scarlet Ibis" that I had loved from highschool came to mind. I read it again, understanding the allegory and symbolism and in the end was stunned that Doodle's body is found under a red nightshade bush. Elements of stories that I grew up with like the poison apple in Snow White, living in the forest, falling asleep and being woken up, all came alive in my own life. Everything is channeled. There are pointers everywhere. Just examine what you really love and have always loved or have feared. Write down your deepest desires and fears. Dig up childhood memories, dreams that you haven't forgotten. Write your own story. Hone your intuition and sensitivity. That's how you enter the rabbit hole. It's all up to you, how far do you want to go? We have free will, we ate from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and were kicked out of paradise. It's not just a story. We were split between male and female, God and the Devil, good and bad, past and future. We gained the ability to intellectually understand, remember and plan. We gained the ability to tell stories. Instead of living life with the heart we lived split between the heart and the mind. By opening the heart, you open your mind. Open your eyes and ears and understanding to the love that makes up this phenomenon of us. We are all born with unique gifts. Some are born with hearts open and some with sharp minds. Enlightenment is about combining the potential and duality of the two. The power of love was always fully awake and alive but I didn't have wisdom and I didn't know how to control or channel it for good. I read Proverbs as a kid and ever since I always prayed to God for wisdom. Passion and wisdom are the perfect match made in heaven. But one without the other creates a sort of hell. We live and write a story that never ends. There's no rising above the drama, only seeing it in a different light. It's not personal, it's not OUR story, it's OUR story. The show must go on. Embrace it, enjoy it, become it, savor it. It's beautiful, delicious and a tiny bit poisonous. Take the apple.

Thank you everyone. ~40 mg did the trick, got mind fuxked. It was short and pure bliss about 30 mins. all can say, this is way better than sex!

@Commodent Your personal intelligence is meaningless when you can have a relationship with god aka infinite intelligence, infinite love, infinite truth, infinite bliss. If you take some uneducated man with a totally average intelligence, who through only love deepens their relationship to god so far that they realize themselves to be one permanently that person is basically omniscient and yet you may mistake him as simple because their is no need for them to be otherwise, a thousand years of effort and your personal intelligence would still be dust by comparison. But being intelligent is fine just turn it towards god and away from division from others. The path of knowledge is nearly impossible isolated, some element of devotion or love is almost always needed or intelligence tends to get lost in itself. Set your intelligence upon realizing love and the path will be much sweeter. But you dont have to give up or lessen the value of intelligence or knowledge

@Alex bliss Same here.

@Alex bliss for Alex, no. For YOU, yes.

@Alex bliss Isn't that a desire per se?

You underestimate how manipulative megalomania narcissists can be. It’s not that people are just so stupid they blindly fall into it. They fall into it because cults play off of human needs, desires, and base level human psychology. They use techniques that work in such a way that people get bought into. There’s a reason cults happen so much in spiritual circles. What is that reason? Everyone wants to stop suffering! Become a god! Save the world! Develop superhuman powers! You know how inviting that is to people whom are suffering and lack a sense of direction? Then you throw in a really charismatic guy who knows very well how to appeal to you, seem 100% genuine, empathize with you, talk about bliss, unconditional love, etc. Right there you’d be caught by the short and curlies. Everybody wants those things!

In order to understand what I was talking about quietly and not identifying with your own thoughts, I did some research and extracted for you information about an important technique for meditation iand transcending the mind afterward .In my opinion, following the consistent practice of this technique, during of my spiritual journey, practically, we cannot say that we are really meditating.After reaching an advanced degree in the practice of this technique, we can plunge into the infinite field of consciousness through meditation , and from this point the implementation of the question "Who am I" will show its true strength, revealing the answer. “. When the mind is silent and peaceful it becomes very powerful. It can become a receptor of bliss and wisdom enabling life to become a spontaneous flow and expression of joy and harmony. However…this inner silence cannot arise while there is a continual stream of disturbing thoughts and emotions. All this inner noise of thoughts and emotions has to be removed before one can truly experience the soundless sound of inner silence. — Swami Satyananda Saraswati. “ The name of this technique is Antar Maouna. or simply Maouna. This is definition: Antar mauna is a Sanskrit term that means “inner silence.” It refers to a yogic meditation technique that involves transforming and controlling thought processes through self-awareness and mindfulness. By internalizing the senses through this form of meditation, the yogi observes the inner and underlying structure of the mind and thought processes. The first three stages of antar mauna meditation should be mastered before the yogi attempts the more advanced fourth, fifth and sixth stages. For most people, the first three stages provide plenty to work with, and in order to obtain the full benefits, a considerable amount of time should be spent practising and perfecting them before attempting to move into the more advanced stages, which will only be touched upon in brief here. By the sixth stage, the yogi reaches a state of dharana (concentration, which is the fifth of the eight limbs of yoga) or even dhyana (deep meditation, which is the seventh limb). The six stages of antar mauna are: 1-Becoming aware of external sensory perceptions. 2-Gaining awareness of spontaneous thoughts. 3-Creating and disposing of thoughts. 4-Refined awareness and disposal of spontaneous thoughts. 5-Creating a state in which there are no thoughts. 6-Acute awareness of the yogi's chosen personal psychic symbol. Stage 1: Awareness of external sensory perceptions Stage 1 of antar mouna is concerned with the sensory perceptions of external stimuli. The awareness is consciously directed to focus on the sense of taste, then to witness any smells nearby, to observe the sensations of touch, body against floor, clothes or air against skin, then to move the awareness to all the different available sounds within the vicinity, without analyzing or naming them, simply witnessing the quality of the sounds. We are told this is a pratyahara technique, so externalizing our awareness may seem like a paradox at first. Why do we do this? Because if we try to internalize our awareness directly, what happens? Instantly the monkey mind jumps outside and becomes distracted by the outside sounds, or smells and the sense of touch etc. So first, there has to be a full extension of awareness to all the sensory inputs. We have to know what they are and how they affect us, or how we react to them. Three factors are involved: (i) the external object of perception (smell, taste, sound, sight and touch); (ii) the external organs of perception (the jnanendriyas: skin, nose, ears, eyes and tongue), and (iii) the internal perceiver – the witness awareness – which knows it is observing; “I know I am listening to the outside sounds and I know that I know” is the form this awareness can take.A by product of stage 1 is that it raises the awareness of all the sensory perceptions, allowing the sense of hearing to become like a radar for example, picking up the most subtle sounds as well the obvious gross ones, enabling us to become more aware in daily life of our surroundings. However, the actual purpose of this stage is to reduce the influence of the outside impressions on our perception. It is a case of familiarity breeding contempt. The conscious and intentional perception of the outside world automatically leads to disinterest. The mind becomes bored having checked out all the possible distractions and thus ceases to be either interested or disturbed by its environment. We develop the capacity to remain centred, detached, completely undisturbed and unaffected by anything going on around us. Therefore, stage 1 induces the first level of pratyahara, i.e. dissociation of the senses from the outside world, which prepares us to go inside for the second stage. Stage 2: Awareness of the spontaneous thought process In stage 2 of antar mouna we leave the outside world and turn inside to work with the mind. We sit in a relaxed manner and start to observe the mind 'screen' in front of the closed eyes. The aim is to view and exhaust the samskaras, the negative thoughts, experiences, phobias, old memories, emotions and fears, i.e. the useless debris, which arise from inside the subconscious mind. Regular practice of this stage cleans the mind of old dross and prevents the accumulation of more rubbish. Stage 2 has three requirements: The first is to allow the mind total freedom to think anything it wants, without any restriction. Letting all thoughts bubble up spontaneously to the surface, being aware of any corresponding emotions or feelings, especially fear, panic, greed, lust, guilt, hatred or anger. There should be no control, judgement or criticism of any thoughts – they may be about work, home, food, sex, friends, enemies, likes, dislikes; trivial or lofty, sublimely beautiful or violently murderous. Some may be connected, others will be random. Sometimes there may be a torrent of thoughts, at other times there may be just a trickle. No matter, what is important is the second requirement which is that we maintain absolutely vigilant awareness of the spontaneous thought process. Aiming constantly to develop our capacity to witness, just as though we were watching a TV or a video screen, like an uninvolved observer or spectator watching a stream of images, thoughts and events with detachment. During the practice of stage 2, we will start to observe the different tendencies of the mind. Seeing how we suppress. When we do, we can be certain that the thought or impression will come up again with even greater force at a later time (this can be likened to pushing a rubber toy under water). Witnessing how we hold onto other thoughts, discovering how easily we can lose ourselves within our own mental process, observing that perhaps we have some repetitive thought patterns. The mind can be extremely tricky. It loves a good painful movie, for example, and may tend to replay a particular traumatic 'video' over and over, knowing it will get a good emotional reaction each time. By observing the play of the mind with the attitude of a witness, these thoughts start to lose their emotional force and even the most painful experiences can gradually be eradicated. After some time with this stage, by giving the mind this freedom to spontaneously express, the torrent of babble starts to thin out a bit. The mind starts to become a little quieter. This should not however be confused with either silence, or sleep which often occurs, especially with beginners. A tendency to sleep when practising antar mouna is a classic form of the mind suppressing something it doesn't want to confront. It is as if the mind recognizes that something different is happening, that you are taking control by asking the question: “What am I thinking now?” and all of a sudden the mind goes quiet. There are no thoughts at all! Do not be fooled into thinking this is enlightenment, rather it is just another form of subtle suppression. Just wait patiently for a short while, imagine you are looking at an empty road and soon enough the mental chatter will continue again! The third requirement is courage, openness and honesty, for deep, hidden and suppressed parts of our personality will be revealed to us with antar mouna. This may be some beautiful, loving part of ourselves that has been dormant, or perhaps some ugly dark side that has equally been hidden. We learn to understand the nature of our mind and its multifarious activities, to befriend it and to become aware of and observe our emotional reactions to the different thoughts. This process enables us to accept ourselves fully, not as we'd like to be, but as we really are. Stage 3: Creation and disposal of thoughts In stage 3 of antar mouna we consciously create and dispose of thoughts at will. It is the opposite to stage two. Here spontaneous thoughts are not allowed. Rather a particular theme or thought is chosen at will, then reflected upon for a while, generating as many connected thoughts as possible related only to that theme. Looking at the issue from all angles, pondering on it, if another person is involved, considering things from their point of view and so on. After a few minutes, this theme or thought is then thrown quickly out of the mind, like a film director giving the order to 'Cut' when a scene is finished, and another theme is chosen. This can be repeated several times, choosing a different issue each time. The practitioner is requested to choose confronting, difficult, negative issues and themes, rather than inconsequential thoughts which will tend to be a waste of time. In stage 3 it is really possible to work at a psychotherapeutic level. Although stage 2 helps to release mental tensions by allowing them to erupt without inhibition, many of these subconscious thoughts are deeply embedded in normally inaccessible regions of the mind, firmly fixed and rooted through habitual suppression, and therefore do not necessarily arise spontaneously. In stage 3 the posed thoughts stir up a train of associated thoughts. These consciously created thoughts incite and attract deeper thoughts and memories. The analogy is that of fishing. The mind is baited with a thought. The bait is put into the water (the subconscious mind) and attracts other fish (deeply embedded sub and unconscious thoughts or impressions) which are caught, brought up and then released. This releases psychoneural knots and blocks. As these memories and thoughts are confronted, they lose their force and emotional weight, which leads to greater understanding of oneself, clarity and powerful inner healing. Stages 4, 5 and 6 Stages 4, 5 and 6 are at a much more advanced level, and it will be a waste of time to attempt them if the first three stages have not been practised extensively first. Stage 4, awareness and disposal of spontaneous thoughts, is a refinement of previous stages. By this time much negativity and many disturbing thoughts will have been cleared. The mind is calmer by this stage. The thoughts will be of a different quality, arising from a deeper or more subtle space. A new dimension of one's being can be indicated or revealed here, the psychic level. One should not become attached to what arises. Detachment is required in order not to become distracted. When one is heading inwards, into uncharted territory, the witness must be strong. Gradually the mind becomes more refined and lucid. In stage 5, the aim is to create a state of thoughtlessness. No thoughts, the mind has to become blank whilst alertness or awareness is still maintained. It is like a mental vacuum, but it is not sleep. It is shoonya. This stage leads to actual antar mouna and should arise almost spontaneously as a result of having practised and perfected the previous stages. Suppression takes place here sometimes, but the thoughts have become almost insignificant. When stage 5 is easy, then one is instructed to move on to stage 6, otherwise the mind can become lost in laya, unconsciousness or sleep. Stage 6 is awareness of the psychic symbol. Here constant awareness of the chosen psychic symbol is required, in order not to be side-tracked by other psychic scenery. At this stage one can slide towards the state of dharana and even dhyana. Benefits of antar mouna Antar mouna is a powerful psychiatric tool with which we learn to understand and befriend the mind, its tendencies and reactions that arise due to thoughts. It enables us to train the mind, to focus the monkey mind on one point which many of us have trouble with. Most importantly, we can learn to develop and strengthen the drashta or the witness, the observer of all that happens. This allows deep-rooted tensions, long forgotten painful memories, fears, hatreds and phobias to arise in a relatively controlled manner and to be eradicated. The practice provides a basis for clearing all the mental dross and rubbish – it is a form of mental shankhaprakshalana. Antar mouna is designed specifically to eradicate mental noise and to induce a state of peace, tranquillity, one-pointedness and calmness in the mind. We can even consider antar mouna as a tool to move from darkness or a contracted state of awareness into the light of an expanding awareness. We can transform our negativity in this way. From that stage of ignorance or negativity we can eventually come to a meditative point, a neutral position of no action, no engagement, just being. This leads to automatically to steadiness and calmness of mind, in contrast to our usual oscillating state of mind, or vikshipta. Practice in daily life Antar mouna should not be considered as a passive sitting practice only. Stages 1 and 2 are active practices that one can aim to incorporate into every situation in daily life. Antar mouna is one of the most helpful tools around to learn about yourself, your hidden sides, your mind and to see how you are reacting to life's situations, in a clear and honest manner. Practise stage 1 when you next enter a crowded, noisy room or railway station, as you eat your food, when you shower, as you are getting dressed. Practise stage 2 daily, often, in any situation by repeatedly reflecting on the question “What am I thinking now? What is happening in my mental or emotional sphere?” Becoming aware of what is taking place, without identifying with it. Remind yourself, “I am not these thoughts, I am not these emotions, I am the observer”. In this way the witnessing process starts to become an automatic occurrence which shows you who you are, what you are doing here, where you are going, how to fulfil your potential and develop true peace of mind. Now after you read this one carefully , be so honest with you see for yourself what level you reach.This way you will see where you need to practice more and what you are going for, or why not maybe you pass through all the stages and feel ready to really meditate and transcend the mind.

@Meditationdude If I don't work, I will put my energy in learning Photoshop or something other creative thing. I like to learn new skills. But that is the next problem, I like a lot of creative things, but if I see it as a job it doesn't feel creative anymore. It feels like I need to adjust to a certain degree to our society. @ivory Thank you for your recommendation I did this. I have followed my bliss. But every job has a part which is less enjoyable. And that part you can't escape. There is no way I could fall in love with that. Uhh... I don't know about this, I have a very creative job. I really enjoy this part of my job. How can one work to hard? Isn't life to be enjoyed in contemplating, walking, meditating, connections in stead of work? I only work part-time because I don't really see the point of 'all of us in the world' working so hard for no reason. Yes, great point. Working on it, but this takes years of work. I can't rush this process. Is it? Really? I know I need to work for basic survival (you need to shower to be clean enough for no infections). But all the excess? Why the hell should we all want to work 40+ hours a week? @mandyjw I will, thank you! Thanks to all of you, for taking the time to respond to my post. I really appreciate it!

@Alex bliss You will never know.We have a solipstic mind. Can you ever feel if a psychopath suffers or not ever feels guilty or fear shame guilt or moral remorse ? All we know from their statements is that they derive sadistic sense of pleasure of others suffering.They are addicted to that craving of sadistic pleasure.They don't feel guilt remorse.Its a thrill.Not sure if they even have fear of death or punishments. It's just the same question of why evil exist and why it's not punished annihilated then and there. It is again pointing to the same - purpose of creation. Just accept the fact that we cannot have answers to all our infinite questions about Infinity. Good people can suffer too miserably with disease,accidents,poor inspite of all their good deeds. Bad people can live long rich powerful with name and fame inspite of their evil deeds. We don't know why ? All we know is It is God's play-Game.We don't have any control over external events. It is the very same God's manifestation acting as psychopath. Blind,dumb,deaf,physically challenged,mentally challenged,drug addicts.Many more. Children die of disease many die due to malnutrition.Violence,murder,attrocities,cheating,theft,corruption. By awakening people to Reality Truth Enlightened saints try to help people transform the mind to make the world a better place. So we all have very great responsibility on our shoulders.Lets awaken,Actualize and serve the humanity and all living beings to what ever extent possible ???

@Alex bliss Their own cravings for violence and sadistic practices are already strong forms of suffering.

A while ago me and 3 other very open minded friends of mine all did 200ug of acid (not that the dosage really matters). The setting was the four of us sitting in a circle by golf course lake, the idea was a picnic sort of vibe. And my set (mindset) was one of “ive got nothing to lose and I’m just gonna let go and let the flow take me”. During the come up it felt as though my emotions were completely based on the position and body language of my friends. At one point I was feeling bliss, and then, I looked to one of them and he was looking very worried and sad. And somehow it felt as if that emotion was suddenly “transfered” to me and our emotions swapped. I was now sad and he was full of smiles. As the trip become more intense, there came a point at which it seemed as though.... my own feelings (and the visuals that correlated in my head) were being expressed through my friends mouths as words. I would feel it...and they would describe it in words, but they seemed to be in trance. An example of this phenomenon was: I began to think of some bad/dark thoughts, which was coupled with a feeling of inner heat. There is no way my friends could have had access to these thoughts, however the very next thing that they all verbalised was the fact the they were feeling a sudden sense of heat. “I feel really hot all of a sudden”. To summarise... I was feeling...and they were describing with their words my “own” emotions( they’re in what seemed like a trance state). after this had stopped, it felt as if I was God, and anyone that tried to talk to me was doing so in an attempt to lead me to my death. Any suggestion they made of what to do next, felt like they were trying to deceive me, like I was being set up.

I'm going to incarnate the most irresistible Leo Queen to Blast open his Heart and show him the TRUTH Too late, i sent the seed Leo, Not everyone craves sex, the higher you are on a vibrational scale, the more satisfied by just being in your own bliss you become. In a more Enlightened state(so to speak), even breathing satisfies the hell out of you. I remember i completely lost all craving for physical needs at one point which lasted several months. I was in awe, in bliss, in joy and in love 24/7. Do some psychedelics with a girl, see if sex interests you. You will notice things like sex and similar frequency activities only start to arise when you are coming back down. At the peak, you are fully satisfied with just your own beingness. Listen to Osho, he explained these things best.

In the end of Leo's "How Fear Works" Part 2 he says that mastering your emotions is harder than waking up. The topic of emotional mastery keeps coming up lately. I spent years working to master my emotions and made huge progress in my life and as a person. I thought that enlightenment WAS emotional mastery. At first I repressed my emotions and had a few blow ups but I learned to go into the emotions and go into feeling them in my body and I thought that I had learned how to work through the repression problem. I got really good at this, and life demanded that I had to be. I could handle my son's autistic meltdowns like a pro, I could handle nearly anything life threw at me, or so I thought. I didn't understand that I had demonized my emotions and I had tried to control them, not master them. They were like children obeying me out of fear, not love. I started going backwards, strange things happened in my life and learning about the law of attraction was a huge missing piece that made puzzle pieces fall into place faster than ever before. During my awakening, I saw that my ego had split itself, it was the very thing pointing the finger at and rejecting itself. The awakening was stunning... and disruptive as fuck. It took weeks to get my life back together and I acted out all kinds of things I had been repressing. In other words emotional mastery and all my work went out the window. Then I was left realizing that I had a LOT of work to put the pieces back together, this time understanding that emotional mastery did NOT MEAN absence of emotions. I guess this means that you can have your cake and eat it too? You are here to feel. You are here to follow your heart, follow your bliss, and experience bliss. Yet you are also here to be wise and to see that wisdom is the greatest deepest pleasure that can be found. The tricky thing is that the bad stuff isn't what it seems. You can break through the illusion of pain or depression through acceptance, or you can appreciate them and use them to guide you to where you are meant to be. I would really love to hear your thoughts and insights on this. What is true emotional mastery, and what does it look like? Is enlightenment feeling the deepest depths of emotion fully and also being as master of them? How do we move from a relationship to our emotions of control to love?

@Sahil Pandit Thank you for the signiture line. I clicked on it. http://www.musicforeverysoul.com/listofpositivehighervibrationswords.html These are good messages. Abundance Ability Acceleration Acceptance Acclaim Achievement Accolades Affirming Amazement Ambition in Balance Appreciation Ascendency Ascension Assistance Attunement Authenticity Awareness Beauty Beneficence Benevolence Betterment Blessings Bliss Bounty Calmness Caring Celebration Certainty Cheerfulness Choice Cleanliness Comfort Concern Confidence Congratulations Constructiveness Consciousness Consideration Constancy Contribution Cooperation Cosmic Quantum Salve Courage Courtesy Creativity Decency Decisiveness Delight Desirable Desire Determination Ease Ecstasy Efficiency Elegance Encouragement Endearment Endeavor Endorsement Endurance Energized Energy Enhancement Enjoyment Enlightenment Enlivenment Enough Enraptured Enrichment Enterprising Enthusiasm Equality Esteem Ethics Exaltation Excellence Expertise Exulting Faith Fame Fellowship Financial Freedom Forgiveness Friendliness Fulfillment Fun Generosity Genuineness Gentleness Gifts Giving Glorious Goodness Grace Gratefulness Gratitude Guidance Happiness Harmony Health Heaven Helpfulness Honesty Hope Hospitality Impeccability Improvement Increase Incredible Ingenuity Innocence Inspiration Intelligence Involvement Integrity Intelligence Joy Jubilant Justice Kind-Heartedness Kindness Laughter Lavishness Learned Liberation Life Light Light-Heartedness Liking Listening Love of God Love of Life Love of Men Love of Women Loyalty Luck Lucrative Luminous Luxuriant Luxury Magnificence Majesty Manifesting Marvelous Mastery Mediation Mercy Merit Miracles Motivation Money New Nirvana Notable Noticeable Nourished Nurtured Open-Minded Openness Opportunity Optimism Order Originality Outgoing Outstanding Paradise Pardon Passion Patience Peace Perseverance Perspective Pleasurable Plenty Poise Polite Possibilities Potentials Praise Preciousness Productivity Proficiency Progress Promotion Prosperity Punctuality Purification Purpose Quantum Source-Light Love in All Its Forms Quietness Radiance Rapture Readiness Reassurance Receiving Receptivity Refreshment Relaxation Release Relief Remarkable Responsibility Respect of Self Respect from Self Respect for Others Respect from Others Restful Restoration Results Reverence Reward Rewarding Rich Richness Sacredness Safe Satisfaction Self-Assertive Self-Awareness Self-Control Self-Confidence Self-Empowerment Self-Esteem Self-Love Self-Respect Self-Forgiveness Self-Preservation Simplicity Sincerity Smart Sobriety Soul-Salve Special Spectacular Strength Success Supportiveness Sympathy Succinct Sufficient Tact Thanks Thorough Thoughtfulness Thrive Timeliness Tolerance Tranquility Transcendence Triumphant Trust Truthfulness Trustworthiness Ultimate Freedom Unconditional Love Understanding Unfettered Unflagging Upbeat Upgraded Uplifted Upstanding Usefulness Validated Valuable Valued Versatile Vibrant Virtuous Vitality Vivacious Warmth Welcome Well Wellbeing Wholeness Wholesome Will Willing Win Winner Wisdom Wonder Wonderful Wonderment Worth Worthiness Worthwhile Wow Yea! Yes Youthfulness Zeal Zestc Manning-Kogler, Michelle (2012-11-12). Quantum Soul Clearing: Healing the Scars Life Leaves on the Soul (pp. 104-105). BalboaPress. Kindle Edition.

@Alex bliss I read it somewhere and I could also recognize in one of his answers that he was already highly advanced before he met his guru. So he was very advanced and he met a genuine guru who knew exactly what Nisargadatta had to hear. That's a great recipe for awakening. So try not to compare yourself with him and, as Nisargadatta would say, 'earnestness' will get you there too.

@Alex bliss Because there isn’t one, because there is One. @Ibn Sina ?

He's talking about seeking pleasure before enlightenment. Not living in bliss after enlightenment. It's possible, though, to be at bliss without having to suffer. Suffering is optional. I don't agree at all that the ultimate way to live is by sitting still in meditation, at least not until many more thousands of years of delusion.