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There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive. The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good) The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good).

Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids. After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids. I was looking for some answers in his vids. He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.' 1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck. Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?" But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey. I stumbled and struggled. I'm still in the mid of it. And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said. I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho. My monkey-chatter is insane. I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.' <-- This is already a monkey-chatter. I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say? I forgot the word. Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand? . . . That's what I need to train. BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today. I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there. You can separate pain from you." or something. REALLY!?!? I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings. Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain. Observing the headache was impossible for me today. Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common. And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie." <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death. There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying. My environment was . . My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago. She was a teenager. I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week. We never talked. I regretted. I was too shy to go talk to her. My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide. She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment. My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide. Another case: One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided. What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different. You just can't see people who are not afraid of death. And me? I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings. But I don't want to die with physical pain. I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan. I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free. . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet." I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?

I just watched "The Benefits of Enlightenment" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfMqtrbjiMs again after checking email from Leo. <-- Yup I'm subscribed. I thought TONS while watching the video. "Life is suffering" <-- I knew it. More like, isn't it the basic teaching in Buddhism? To get out of the life's sufferings is . . when you noticed that you got out from life's sufferings . . when you noticed that you are in different state of mind getting out of life's suffering . . is called 'enlighten.' . . . That's what I've known. Also . . . this thought may be not quite acceptable in Western Christian world . . . To get out of life's suffering, one way is to end their live, i.e., suicide. 'Enlighten after (physical) death.' <-- This is not quite accepted in Western Christian world. Mentioning about suicide is even recognized as 'offensive' sometimes. That's what I noticed living in the United States. Anyhoo, In the video, Leo explained the details of . . his version of enlightenment. I think, I got it. And, so, although I kinda knew it . . working on Life Purpose becomes meaningless when I keep 'enlightenment' in my mind. In a way, it's a relief. And also it's dangerous. In extreme case, I can be a homeless and get enlightened, and on to self-actualization. Now I got another thing to think about. <-- My 'ego' wants to think about it, I guess. <-- 'I' is illusion. <-- This loop. lol. I think, I want to watch the video again. And other Leo's enlightenment related videos too. But . . I got other things to do tho? Watching Enlightenment related videos are more interesting than what I got to do. <-- This is not good. <-- My 'ego' wants to discipline me. <-- 'ego' 'discipline' all 'illusion.' <-- This loop. <-- This monkey-chatter. <-- lol. First, I better start from my Cornerstone habits because it's morning! Man! birds are noisy chirping loud this morning . .

In the beginning of spiritual development and self improvement, the ego is still largely running the show. The quest for enlightenment is much like giving up smoking: in order to overcome a desire for nicotine, one must desire to be without nicotine. As such, we need to desire in order to relinquish desire -- kind of a paradox. The human being is always desiring something: acceptance, love, revenge, suicide etc. Even depression is a desire of sorts: it's like a heavy gravitational well, tearing apart positive emotions, perpetuating its own existence with excuses and rationalizations as to why it must remain. In Buddhism the desire for spiritual growth is considered a good thing, and something to be cultivated. As for your suicidal ideation though, that is an unhealthy form of desire and must certainly be let go of. If you are able to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, please do so. Mental health needs a holistic approach and only focusing on 'Enlightenment' can be very damaging in the long run if you haven't got your fundamentals in order. Your desire for spiritual liberation is good though -- hold on to that flame and cultivate it.

<--[04-01-16]--> April False Woop Woop! April is here. Can't believe I've been doing this for a while now. I just want to make a quick little summary of my March entries based on my previous posts. Flashback Time! Discovered the dam next to the ocean near my neighborhood. I decided it was a good meditation spot. Got neurotic about my profile name at one point and was secretly changing it repeatedly on SoundCloud but eventually I caved in and decided to keep using the username I've had since I was 11, Extreme Z7. The reason why I kept changing my username was because I kept having false thoughts that it would be important for the future of my possible creative career when in reality it's not supposed to matter. Tried doing Strong Determination Sitting for 1 hour. It was okay. Had some frustration with college life. I started a new personal blog where I sometimes write game reviews Word got out the one of the students at my college committed suicide. I personally felt nothing but apathy. Mostly because aside from the self-murder, I knew nothing about the incident. Just that it happened. Decided to meditate under a tree. The bugs decided to visit me while I do it. A spider crawled up my arm. A lizard actually showed up on my lap. And I handled both these situations pretty terribly by reacting instantly. One of the most emotionally difficult meditation sessions I've ever had. Made a commitment to study models of reality as much as possible. As of today, I still need to make the commitment again because I keep getting distracted. Talked about my past online encounter with a 40-year old man who thinks that the news is a good source of knowledge about reality. Still listening to Leo's work as I walk to college. Made some Hardcore Techno with FL Studio Bought a book called "Becoming Steve Jobs" by Brent Schlender and Rick Tetzeli. I've read the first 4 chapters and just amazed at how ambitious Steve Jobs was yet how terrible he was at managing companies. Although, I do see a bit of myself whenever it comes to his ambitious side, I don't think I would have the ego to get kicked out of my own founded company because I made too many costly decisions. (Also celebrated my 100th post on this forum) Bought a new book called "The Magic Ladder to Success" by Napoleon Hill. Very inspiring and motivational book but I feel it doesn't really talk much about models of the business and finance world. The book did tell me to keep notes of what was being read. I didn't. I guess I got too lazy to do it. It's okay, I'll probably read it again and just take note of important concepts that time. Bumbled about FL Studio, making electronic music cause my future depends on it hum dee dummm. . . . Leo's video "Why Rationality is WRONG - A Critique of Rationalism" is by far one of the most profound and eye-opening videos he has made so far. I'm really excited for the book he mentioned he was making for that video. If my level of awareness over thoughts can get heightened from one video, how much more for an entire book? Something tells me the book is going to have a little "deja vu" moments from when I first read the "Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution" by P.D. Ouspensky. Made some more electronic music and uploaded a track on my SoundCloud called "Chasing Dreams". By far one of my favorite songs yet. Had a really strong meditation experience at one point where I actually decided to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for five minutes when it was over. This one is very significant: I made an entry where I pondered my life purpose. What is my true dream? The one thing I want to keep working on my whole life. Well it turns out that one thing is three things. I have interest in Music, Games and Drawing. I find that my life purpose will not be fulfilled without having a career or legacy that somehow embodies these three different hobbies. Of course, within these fields I'm only attracted to certain niches but even then I have to learn to satisfy those niches. (Also finally drew my own profile picture which I really like a lot) Another big one, In fact, this one happened last week. I decided to spend 48 hours of my time working in a game jam. I challenge to make one game within 48 hours is by far one of the most stressful and extremely pressurized situations I've ever put myself into. I'm really glad of actually finishing the game I wanted to make just 1 hour before the jam deadline. Now I'm just waiting for votes by people who happen to come across it in hopes that I make it to the Top 5 or maybe even the Number One. I want to end with this. The kids I met on the dam next to the seaside are some of the most friendly people I've ever been close to. Something tells me this level of connection with human beings is the next step to my journey of self-actualization. The next upgrade to the maximum level in life. Right now, I spend most of my time alone. I've learned to actually be able to spend less time in my head, despite this. I want to know how to develop connection with other people not just so I can interact with them with ease but so they can even call for my attention when they need it. How I'm actually going to go about doing this, I don't know yet. I don't even have a clear direction yet. Just "I want to make close friends" and that's it. That's all for today. This was a summary of what happened in my life this March. Looking back, those events seem to be telling me to keep moving forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The ego is like a suicide bomber. As soon as it's threatened it wants to drag everyone else down with it by flailing around and creating all sorts of problems that really aren't problems. It is possible to get enlightened while still keeping your family, if you want that.

THIS I personally don't see any point in prayer. You thinking a few thoughts in your head has no effect on, for example, helping feed staving children after their homes have been struck by an earthquake or comforting a mother who has lost a daughter in a suicide bombing. If you want to help then give money to the children, give the mother a shoulder to cry on. Don't just sit in your room feeling like you are really making a difference just by thinking about them. Of course thinking may prompt you to take some action. However, this doesn't change the fact that mere thought alone, without any interaction with a source outside your own mind, is completely useless. Moreover prayer, encouraging yourself to become lost in thoughts, is a distraction from true spirituality.

So Leo is not right saying that you have to go through all this physical pain and years of siting, I know Eckart lived on a bench for a long time, but it was not like a Zen monk. I forgot about Eckart... Eckart had a lot of psychological pain, but haven't we all? A lot of people commit suicide... They don't get enlightened... What did Eckart to have this consciousness shift?

Well, I know to realize we are nothing is a pill hard to swallow. I understand your escapism to your "reality". It's much better to think that we are separated and not one, so we don't have to take the responsibility as human race as a whole, for making the world a terrible place with murders, kidnapping, suicide, contamination, greed, etc... whatever... that's a very good way to "confront" the reality. Very smart.

Hi there I hope you are not planning to become a suicide bomber and now you want to loose your fear of death. I know the feeling ... but you have nothing to worry about... The nature will do just fine without you * The fear you are having is constructed and conceptual only i.e. it's not in the present - you didn't swallow a poison and fighting with your death now...of course you know this I'm not trying to sway you from having this fear, because it carries a rare golden opportunity with it to realize: - how powerful and real our thinking can be and - also deceptive We know this because we can experiment with it. We can decrease or increase the fears even. In fact try this: Next time you are deep into your contemplation about death, go a bit deeper. Try to be even more rational and start asking questions: What if your concept of death is not so simple and subtle as you put it... What if it does not end so conveniently? What if this sooner means very soon ? What if this later means very old and alone, with some agonizing illness? What if you don’t get an opportunity to die in peace? What if you realize that your life was just a pile of suffering without true fulfilment ? Keep asking these format of questions... We as humans often speak of death as we are some kind of experts... as if we've been through it many times This shows that the fear itself can be manipulated and doesn't have permanence ... which should tell you that maybe sooner or later, or just before you die, you may not actually have that fear. You may be feeling like totally fulfilled and ready... You may even feel a bit pissed off with yourself for having that fear and wasting your time... quite possible. And if you want to rationalize about it? Then maybe put x instead of fear and replace it with some other concept (happiness for example) - this is kind of what some religions do The reason I said above that the fear of death carries a golden opportunity is because - you can ask yourself "what is it that I am doing NOW since life is so short"

@Pinocchio Im sensing that your radical questioning of everything is probably another cliche. If you really did have that attitude then watching the video would be a walk in the park for you? I think you want your beliefs and your belief is to deconstruct everything that has made you suffer in the past. That's easier to do than consider information that toys with your enlightenment ideology. If enlightenment were not true, then what? Suicide? I don't blame you. If I had done all the work you had and wasted all those years then I would be afraid to consider other options. Stick with your path. But it is just your path.

So I got pretty wasted, last night. I wanted to shut off my emotions. I was definitely not in my right mind. I'm a very chatty, flirty, silly drunk. I ended up hanging out with my roommate & his nerdy friend. They are 12 year old adult men lol they are super into building gundam models, it's kind of adorable but hard for me to act impressed when they ramble on about it. Oh & I ended up changing my pic to one of my stupid face lol. Although when everyone left, I found myself feeling intensely lonely. I had a hard time falling asleep, as I was consumed with thoughts of the meaninglessness of existence. I was googling the fastest, most painless, but lethal ways of suicide. Before I fell asleep, I rationalized the thoughts away. I reread some of the posts on this thread & I woke up feeling much better. I started reading a book today called Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Really great, so far. I'm hoping it can give me a better idea of what I feel and why. Thank you. I guess I can be a little judgmental. I try not to be. I have gotten a lot better at trying to see other people's perspective & halt my impulse to criticize (especially because these are things my mother does & it does not do me any favors). So I guess I am a little scared of judgement. In the end, it doesn't matter too much what people think. Everyone views the world in such a different way. Yes to all of these. However, I am also thankful for all these emotions because they can be wonderful. Pain exists to teach you a lesson. It can be a guide. My feeling on my feelings when I am super low. Well... the voice in my head tells me I should know better. That I should get over myself. That I am too sensitive and a drama queen (mostly my mom talking, again). I get this tension in my diaphragm (which is probably what induces the panic) and I feel this enormous sense of guilt & disgust over feeling down. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. I advise this to other people but I often can't do the same. Growing up, my mother placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. She was a single parent struggling to raise two kids in a foreign country where she barely spoke the language. My little brother got special treatment since he was young because he had a heart condition (& also because my family is mostly females). I was babysitting him since I was 10 years old & had to grow up quickly. My mother was never home, offered no comfort or emotional support to me. She was either working or off having dysfunctional relationships with men. My brother and I are lucky that she was protective of us, and never allowed those men to bring us harm. Just made me responsible for my brother & subjected us to a lot of arguments. He never even had to do any chores & was spoiled to death. I forgave my mother a long time ago for this. Especially now, going through this personal development work. I understand her better (even though, honestly, I would like to distance myself from her as much as possible... maybe someday I'll be able to help her more than she helped me but I can't handle it now). She did the best she could with what she was taught & that is all anyone can do. I know that deep down, she does love me, and she is not a terrible person. She was also emotionally abused, as a child. I suck at this..I didn't even mean to go on about that but there ya have it. I'm extremely happy that what I'm going through is resonating with so many people like: @zasa joey @SAM B thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate you. You are beautiful and kind and valuable. We can get through this. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to message me. I have been dancing around my apt for the past hour listening to The Strokes & The Killers I'm about to go visit my cousin who just had a boob job lol. Have a lovely, stress-free week, everyone!

so you say that if i listen to jump by van halen i will commit suicide by jumping off a building? dont take these things too seriously, some of the music lyrics give me very good and interesting insights!

Well Leo the I that doesn't exist is impressed that what you thought would be an infinitesimal number turned out to be the population of a small African nation. This many people seeking is quite astonishing. I liked your video - like Papaji and Ramanana it is clear that there is no religion here just simple facts that aren't that easy to see. Without wading through all the thousands of other stuff - where is the path - the gun to shoot ego - the suicide pill to get rid of the illusion - I have been on the path for a while - neti neti so much of myself, but still I am there, here still the worries and the clinging to form and formless. When does the penny drop for me that - I am that - not the father, brother, friend, professional, blah de blah that I live day by day. There is only isness - being - whatever - I too feel close - but maybe my wanting is getting in the way. Would love to talk to people who nearly non existent.

@Emerald Wilkins Your second paragraph perfectly describes my condition and my own blind spots. Looks like we are dealing with same neurosis, but in different clothes. I have this fear of not reaching "ultimate self-expression" (c), I had these brief moments, where I could be able to see my full potential and how powerfull I can be, but then my identity overlaps "me", making me fearful and neurotic. And this phase of stagnation pisses me off, making me want to commit sorta "spiritual suicide", let go of myself. Last time when it was powerful enough, I had a breakthrough and since then I started learning about spirituality. But still my barriers are strong and resistance draws out all the joy from my life. Hopefully we will sort something out =)

I'm asking anyone who would like to comment on this to please first watch the video below before posting, so we are all on the same page. And we can all communicate using the same type of "language". I know it is lengthy, but please watch before commenting. Sorry if that request makes this seem like a country club discussion. Sorry if you are offended by that statement. Ha! The title is a fancy complicated way of playing with words to rephrase the question - can I become enlightened? - since there really is no "I" or free will then how could anybody become anything? - I know what you're thinking, and just so you know i'm with you, I agree with you, and "i" too want to become enlightened. Tony Parsons (video below) is enlightened. My pretend conversation with him would go something like this... Me - how can I become enlightened? Him - there is no you, so you can't become anything. Me - I understand what you mean on an intellectual level, but I want what you have Him - It cannot be understood, it is beyond comprehension. I don't have anything, because "I" doesn't exist. "I" isn't real, it is illusion, "me" cannot get what "me" thinks it wants, because that thing is the end of "me". Me - since I cannot say me or I, how about, illusion be gone! Him - illusion is not real Me - But for "me" it is real ! What can I do? Him - You don't exist. There is "no one" to "do" anything. There just IS what IS. And what "me" is asking everyone on this forum is - Can "me" commit psychological suicide, so to say. Sorry for the dark terminology, not sure how else to word it. His description of liberation using words is......"me", sense of self, illusion = constricted energy......liberation = when the constricted energy opens up and merges with the energy that IS (everything). Again, he claims there is nothing anyone can do. He says listening to the message itself is a way of opening the energy. Cheers!

You don't want to put your life to misery, sit in a corner and cry how the world is cruel, that you will die anyway. That's neurotic! Look at it this way... The life, this is not it. Im not talking haven or no haven... This life, until you "die". Its just the first level. To pass it you need to make a name for your self, make something in it, sure. A legacy, maybe of knowledge? When you die filthy ritch and intelligent you go to the next level... If you suicide, cry in a corner and become noone you'd just get reborn and restart the first level of life.

Just sit for many hours at a time doing absolutely nothing. Suicide will happen automatically after a few thousand hours of this. Don't ask how to sit. Just sit in a relaxed manner and be aware of reality.

This claim is unfalsifiable. I agree that decreasing activity in certain parts of the brain via meditation/drugs/surgery/disease will give you the feeling that you are the world and not the self but there is no way you can say anything further. If you are saying the brain is a filter then damaging it or committing suicide should be the fastest way to enlightenment, yet people aren't doing that. It seems to me that a feeling of nothingness requires an active brain with a specific part deactivated. The gain from understanding no-self is still as great as ever. You get the benefit of knowing there's no self to die, I just don't think you can claim that without a brain enlightenment exists. The room and actor exist only when the projector exists.

I am doing this journal because I get to be honest about myself. I can talk freely without any bullshit. So for opening this Forum, Thank you Leo. Let me tell you about myself a bit. I am a 19 Year Old living in the UK, currently studying at Sixth form in Year 13. Right now I should be in university but I retook year 12 since I failed all my exams the first time round. I barely got into Year 13 this time as well. I was only allowed in because no other college would take me in. You would think after experiencing 4 U's, I would fix up but no. Instead I got a D,U,D and an E. Honestly I felt shamed and disgusted. After results day I had considered Suicide many times but I never proceeded but I did do self harm once. My head was flooded with negative thoughts. I thought of myself as trash and worthless. Applying to University was a scary process because I had assumed all my Universities would reject me but to my surprise I got all 5 offers now I need to go from DDE to AAB. Earlier before my A-levels I thought myself to be a good student. I did everything and got better grades than I had expected for my GCSE. I have limited friends and I cannot speak to other people. When people come to my house, I hide in my room. I also tend to lie to my family a lot but I have no idea why I do that. As a young child I told everyone I wanted to do Medicine, made my parents happy, gave them the belief that I would do it but I didn't. I realised I wanted to do something else and after talking to my parents, I did however I feel guilt every time I look at my parents. Some stuff I do to improve myself: Reading Self Help book - As of now I am reading George Leonard's Mastery. I have had this book for about a month and its interesting but I lack consistency in doing things. Its something I want to improve on. Meditation - I have been doing this for roughly two weeks on and off. I cant decide on which method to use. Whether I use the technique in which I realise I am thinking of something and forget it or the Monkey chatter technique. Now the main reason I am writing this Journal is so that I can dedicate myself to learning just like the kids in South Korea. I know for a fact I wont be studying from 7am to 11Pm but I want to try. I want to do the best I can so that I can reach my target goal of AAB. I am not looking for perfect marks although that would be nice but I do want a minimum of 80% on every paper that I will do. No one thinks I can do it, there are already people talking behind my back about me getting 3 E's and I am not having it. As Goku said " I don't care if you're god, you don't get to tell me where my limits are." I only have to focus on Biology, Maths and Physics. Here in this journal I am going to record what I do so that I can hold myself accountable and if I slip up on the way, I hope you guys will help me. I only have 4 months to go. To summarise, My goals as of right now: Get my grades and prove every fucker wrong. Get to the Uni I want to go Get into the habit of doing things Regularly Meditate Every day for 20 mins Read a Self help book every two weeks Try the Korean Student lifestyle but live like Leo has advised.

You can even look at all the teachers that were leaving their bodies very early or developed severe diseases. Maybe that also doesn't fit how a "spiritual" person should be from peoples perspectives. There are at least 10 I can think of that didn't live 60 years or even comitted suicide. If you want to know the names, let me know. Edit: Yogananda, Chogyam Trungpa, Nathan Gill, Rama Tirtha, Thomas Merton, Radha Ma (suicide), Vivekananda, 16th Karmapa, Osho, Therese of Lisieux.

Hi @DrMatthewsausage I hear you. I know what it's like to be depressed and feel no one is taking you seriously. For me, it makes me feel like I'm not going to get any real help, if no one is taking me seriously. It's like I'm saying "I don't feel well" and everyone is like "Well just deal with it". - Never mind the fact that I could commit suicide if I just can't bear it anymore. Not that I'm in your exact situation, but it feels that way with some of the professionals I've worked with. Tonight a friend took the time to make me feel heard and it was so rewarding. I'm actually frustrated to hear you're not feeling heard or taken seriously by your family. I am a parent of an adult son, if he was going through what you are, I would be taking it very seriously. Please know that you are not alone, and I know how hard it is to deal with mental health issues.

<--[03-07-16]--> A FUN TIME IN COLLEGE LAND Monday again. Most of my time was spent in a college that I don't like, listening to lectures I don't care about because the only reason I go there is because this is the life my parents have built for me. Behind closed doors I'm slowly trying to build my skillsets so I can finally start living authentically. Even if I make a shitty living, I should at least have the freedom to choose that living. Right now, I'm unconsciously being quiet around other people about what I actually feel this whole academic game is like. The classmates I meet in this college are some of the most unaware and clueless people I know, just completely oblivious to all the different lies and manipulations other people have bestowed unto them that give them fuel to go through college without questioning it. Oh yes, and there was a report that someone at the college commited suicide recently because of issues in his/her (I don't know the gender) academic life. So that's fun right? Personally, I feel like this shouldn't really matter to me. Honestly, I really cannot decide whether I should or shouldn't feel bad about this. I openly told a fellow classmate that I don't really care about this whole issue so you know what? I'm just going to say "Not my problem. . ." There is a much bigger discussion to be had here about society's blind pressure towards academic excellence and how that's actually breeding a whole generation of clueless robots who have no idea what real learning and much less inner growth is like. But I actually want to leave that for future entries. Still, all these issues still don't distract me from what I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life: Stopping to smell the roses as much as possible. Also I realize I have not been making much entries about my past recently, I'll try to do more of that in future entries.

You have a lot going on around you. I'm wondering what your psychologist has to say about all of this. He or she ought to be giving you strategies and helping you build a skill set to deal with situations such as diet, communication, and your negative thinking pattern. It sounds to me that you're experiencing issues with, "learned helplessness'. Learned helplessness was first observed while observing animals. It occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, learned helplessness will prevent any action. You seem to be taking action by see a psychologist but there is "seeing" a psychologist and, SEEING a psychologist. If you feel the psychologist isn't helping you need to express your dissatisfaction, what's working and what's not. Believe me, it's the psychologist's job to help you if he or she can't then they need to refer you to someone who can. I'd suggest looking for someone who specializes In cognitive behavioral therapy, that's an acton based and will help stop you from being so immobilized and disempowered. I have a question when you say you're not being taken, 'seriously" what does that mean? What should your parents or anyone else do for you do feel as if you're being taken, "seriously"? Perhaps making a list of things they could do would help them and you work together. And if you're not telling your psychologist you're having thoughts of suicide , that's a MAJOR red flag, it's very serious.It shows that you're not being completely open with your therapist. You're expecting someone to help you and you're not honestly expressing you feelings. Are you taking yourself seriously?

Well, today/last night were really tough. After I wrote last night's post, I broke down and I cried like I haven't cried in months, in sheer existential disbelief at what was so obvious yet so difficult to accept. I had the "epiphany" Leo describes in his video on fake growth - that pretty much everything I've been manifesting over the last 5 years (through recovery from deep, suicidal depression) has been masking the original problem. If you somehow robbed me of these external factors, I'd be down in the dumps again. This is evident by my deep-seated fear of loss, abandonment, failure and rejection. It's not pleasant to work for years and years, achieving the results you wanted, only to realize that you've been treading water and rearranging external circumstances. The truth of the matter is, I'm still highly neurotic. Out of the list of Leo's 40 signs of neurosis, here are the ones I self-identify as applying to me to some degree: Anxiety Obsessive thoughts Compulsive behavior Vague physical ailments (Insomnia, eczema) Depression Suicidal thoughts Anger/rage Social maladjustment (social anxiety) History of dysfunctional relationships Money problems (frivolous spending) Addictions (past: marijuana present: alcohol) Perfectionism Workaholic Stress Restlessness Preaching/moralizing (not doing this one as much anymore) Arguing/stubbornness (ditto) Narcissism Neediness/codependence in relationships Jealousy and envy Guilt and shame Keeping secrets Stiff, rigid body Nihilism Alcohol/drug addictions Obsessed with my physical appearance In other words, pretty much all of them. So why don't I have peace of mind? Deep down, I hate myself and I berate myself - that his how I've achieved such results in the external world. What I have is never enough and when I fall short, my inner critic goes on hyperdrive and I involuntarily start ideating about harming myself/suicide (even though deep down I really want to keep living and live an actualized life), effectively whipping myself into compliance. This has been the normal course of my life for well over a decade now. I don't accept myself, and will probably never accept myself in this state no matter what I achieve because the goalposts always move. The ultimate non-acceptance of myself is my non-acceptance of my non-acceptance. The costs are severe. I was thinking tonight, why do I fear rejection so much? I constantly see people out in the world I want to connect with, yet I say nothing to them out of fear of rejection. The sad truth is, my ego is so fragile it's terrified of the prospect of such rejection, fearful of the emotional state it may send me into, so it's safer to stay isolated. I can't accept the possibility that I might not hit it off with that person (refusal to accept reality) so I don't attempt. Starting today, I hereby resolve to work on this problem. Here are the commitments I made at the end of Leo's video: I am neurotic. I commit to discovering the roots of my neuroses. I commit to aligning to empirical reality. I commit to dropping all socially acquired beliefs. I commit to being more open to all emotions. I commit to loving myself and my life. I commit to dropping my "should" statements. I commit to gradual self-improvement. I commit to not being neurotic about my self-improvement. Next, I will privately write my top 5 neuroses and try to find the root causes motivating the behavior. More updates to come...