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I doubt his enlightenment because of the lack of embodiment. If bliss is not pouring out of his face, what good is this enlightenment thing anyways?

@Maya_0 What movie and what form? Source Will manifest Whatever, Source beleive he is. That is survival in nutshell. Yes it is unsattisfactory because no matter what you Will lose that Game even if you love it the most. But..... Hey notice me. ?️? There is no place for lies and self deceptions while you are Truth all the time. Truth is pure bliss.

Is good, now embrace that suffering and love death. Do it 100% mind wise. Contemplate death even, then let ir go. You are on the right path, you thought that this awakening shit is easy? Is yet to come, trauma speaking. But after bliss will arise, accept the constant falling feeling you have in your body right now, relax and listen to breath.

@Key Elements It has nothing to do with bliss. Be careful judging a thing you haven't experienced.

@Leo Gura you could bliss all you want, Leo, like you're doing here: That's you're choice. But..yours is taking place in the comfort of your own home. And, that's it??? Nothing else. There's nothing more? Hmm..ok... how many times do you want to do this? 13+ times? Oh well, it's your choice. However, there's more to this. The 10 Ox Herding Pics isn't just pointing at Riding the Ox Backwards.

You're supposed to live this life well and apply Riding the Ox Backwards. What the heck is this life for? Definitely, not just to remain in bliss. That's one-sided.

@WHO IS So that everything can exist. You have to drop that dualistic notion of good and bad. All is good. What are you afraid of, sickness, old age, death of body? Can you realize that even your dead body will support New life New creation New existance? It is all you but you are blinded by your egoic mind who thinks it is all about me me me. Which is ok too it is all Love. What existance is, is pure absolute bliss for all forms.But I let you, you discover this for yourself.

@Aakash Well you can change things ofcourse you do. Love of God is uncoditional. Problem is that humans abuse it so much it became norm. But humans are also God. Do Whatever you Feel need to do from your heart. Me personally, I do not have any desire to change or impact society or other human beings. Reality is perfect no need for "me" to change manipulate anything. I am done, really had it enough. Honestly I started this work Just to discover is there a God and what is the Truth about all of this. Really not after bliss chasing or pleasant emotions. Have done my work. Think I deserve rest and life in peace and harmony with nature not with society and devils. Time to clear the stage.

what is it about women solidarity that fascinates me so much. recent christopher street day also reminded me again why i include everyone who wants to be a beautiful woman into it. when i‘m with a bunch of my friends, there are no leaders we all are equal. no one would act up against this rule because it breaks an unspoken law. @mandyjw funny how what is truely part of your past/family history is really very much part of my dream shadow. did you ever do ethnological research into the magic and rites of your ancestors? i mean realistically not what’s in fashion at the moment. the “stay” i interpreted it as the call to stay a women warrior at heart - we all have not only a princess or a mary magdalene inside but also a native warrior. when i posted it i got aware of the beauty of femininity and solidarity, the first time i got aware that i’m a beautiful person because i felt so much love from women solidarity. i felt it before but only got aware of it this intensely then, it was pure bliss. one beautiful person who reminded me of that was zweistein, as a stranger in an internet forum, but also the gay friends i have and all the longterm beautiful women friends i have. all the ladybugs (this time it’s really a metaphor including all ladybugs)

May I salute you all with this unbelievable Stanislav Grof's experience of facing the Absolute... Let us all have a glimpse of It... The beginning of the experience was very sudden and dramatic. I was hit by a thunderbolt of immense power that instantly shattered and dissolved my everyday reality. I lost all contact with the surrounding world, which completely disappeared as if by magic. In the past, whenever I had taken a high-dose of psychedelics, I liked to lie down and make myself comfortable. This time, any such concerns were irrelevant because I lost awareness of my body, as well as of the environment. After the session, I was told that after taking a couple of drags, I sat there for several minutes like a sculpture, holding the pipe near my mouth. Cristina and Paul had to take the pipe from my hand and put my body in a reclining position on the couch. In all my previous sessions, I had always maintained basic orientation. I knew who I was, where I was, and why I was having unusual experiences. This time all this dissolved in a matter of seconds. The awareness of my everyday existence, my name, my whereabouts, and my life disappeared as if by magic. Stan Grof … California … United States … planet Earth … these concepts faintly echoed for a few moments like dreamlike images on the far periphery of my consciousness and then faded away altogether. I tried hard to remember myself of all the existence of the realities I used to know, but they suddenly did not make any sense. In all my previous psychedelic sessions there always had been some rich specific content. The experiences related to my present lifetime – the story of my childhood, infancy, birth, and embryonal life – or to various themes from the transpersonal domain – my past life experiences, images from human history, archetypal visions of deities or demons, or visits to various mythological domains. This time, none of these dimensions seemed to exist, let alone manifest. My only reality was a mass of radiant swirling energy of immense proportions that seemed to contain all of existence in a condensed and entirely abstract form. I became Consciousness facing the Absolute. It had the brightness of myriad suns, yet it was not the same continuum with any light I knew from everyday life. It seemed to be pure consciousness, intelligence, and creative energy transcending all polarities. It was infinite and finite, divine and demonic, terrifying and ecstatic, creative and destructive - all that and much more. I had no concept, no categories for what I was witnessing. I could not maintain a sense of separate existence in the face of such a force. My ordinary identity was shattered and dissolved; I became one with the Source. In retrospect, I believe I must have experienced the Dharmakaya, the Primary Clear Light, which according to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Bardo Thödol, appears at the moment of our death. It bore some resemblance to what I encountered in my first LSD session, but it was much more over whelming and completely extinguished any sense of my separate identity. My encounter with the Absolute lasted approximately 20 minutes of clock time, as measured by external observers. As far as I was concerned, during the entire duration of my experience, time ceased to exist and lost any meaning whatsoever. After what seemed like an eternity, concrete dreamlike images and concepts began to form in my experiential field. I started intuiting fleeting images of a cosmos with galaxies, stars, and planets, Later, I gradually visualized a solar system, and within it the Earth, with large continents. Initially, these images were very distant and unreal, but as the experience continued, I started to feel that these realities might actually have objective existence. Gradually, this crystallized further into the images of the United States and California. The last to emerge was the sense of my everyday identity and the awareness of my present life. At first, the contact with the ordinary reality was extremely faint. I recognized where I was and what the circumstances were. But I was sure that I had taken a dose that was excessive and that I was actually dying. For some time, I believed I was experiencing the bardo, the intermediate state between my present life and my birth in the next incarnation, as it is described in the Tibetan texts. As I was regaining more solid contact with reality, I reached a point where I knew that I was coming down from a psychedelic session and that I would survive this experiment. I was lying there, still experiencing myself as dying, but now without the sense that my present life was threatened. My dying seemed to be related to scenes from my previous incarnations. I found myself in many dramatic situations happening in different parts of the world throughout the centuries, all of them dangerous and painful. Various groups of muscles in my body were twitching and shaking, as my body was hurting and dying in these different contexts. However, as my karmic history played out in my body, I was in a state of profound bliss, completely detached from all these dramas, which persisted even after all the specific content disappeared from my experience. - Stanislav Grof, "When the Impossible Happens: Adventures in Non-Ordinary Reality." (2006)

My view is that enlightenment is mostly understood wrong in this forums. You wont become a magician or god (in meaning of almighty, creates instant when he wishes etc) or whatever pure infinite absolute peace. I may be wrong with the last one, some claims it, but enlightenment is in my words, put basically a realization that all the years of belief of you, is not existing. Last sentence is enough, to make one to get the realization, further is brain masturbation but we all like it right, so here it goes: You have been deceiving yourself all along with goals, how succesfull or even the opposite how depressed you are etc. You even deceive yourself to become enlightened. Thats another trick. Put basically, mostly the word referred as ego is correct in this scope by others. Ego is what you have believed to be as you. The story you built in your post also falls into this. It what you believe is your thought and questioning system. Why do you even concern with that? You as character. You as your thoughts beliefs and goals. They are an illusion. Basic but the simplicity is what makes it hard to understand it. People on this forum wants to achieve that bliss state. It is not wrong. Noone wants opposite, we all want at basic level security comfort, to be happy etc. But enlightenment wont give you that, an enlightenment perceived in this manner wont give you that. Becasue there is none. So what to do? Id recommend putting yourself in some stoic mindset to create discomfort to your ego, and pursue spirituality and exercises on daily basis i.e. self inquiry, fasting also helps

@Jkris well first lets clarify what we call the word enlightenment. Winterknight is using it in the context of Truth or God. In that context since the ego is an illusion masking the formless underneath which is God - then God or Truth is ever present whether in a state of form, the ego, or a state of formlessness - or Being. Being is Absolute Infinity or pure potential. Therefore there is no one to be eniightened as Truth or God is all there is...it is One and it is always One. But if we use the word enlightenment in a different context - rather we use it as God seeing through his own illusion and discovering himself - that is what we commonly call it. There still is no person, and God was always God, but he is discovering himself through his own illusion, the very illusion he created in which to escape himself. "He" is used metaphorically here of course. But this discovering requires mystical experiences. During which the form or ego collapses and only Being remains. Prior to that ego was on top of Being. A state of Being is completely non-dual and bliss, and Truth or facets of Truth are revealed to you. Not as the ego but as God. So it's God's experience Does that help?

Triggers around Abandonment, Approval, Rejection and Control Issues As blissful as I felt last week is as shitty and tense I feel now. I even have trouble making sentences, that's how much my mind is twitching. I can't enjoy food or coffee. I can't seem to focus on work even a little bit, even though I keep closing my tabs and going back to it. I feel angry and sad, and am reminded a bit of when I was a bit depressed. This scares me. I thought I had made great progress. And now I feel more neurotic than ever. I feel dirty and worthless. I'm not wearing clean clothes and don't want to. I didn't brush my teeth or shower, because I didn't feel like it. I woke up on time, but slept in anyway because I didn't feel like being awake. Last weekend I did a workshop that pointed me towards some trauma I clearly have not processed. It didn't come up during Primal. I'm pissed that there is so much more. I thought I was fixed completely and forever! It seems foolish now, but if everything is light and bliss and works perfectly in your favor for two weeks straight, that can be pretty convincing. For the past days I've been tracking down issues I think I have, approval seeking, fear of abandonment, being controlling in some situations. I have asked many people for examples. And now, I feel like shit. I hope it was good for something. Am I supposed to be journaling now? Or working out? Expressing my feelings in some way? Unfortunately, I'm also under stress to complete a task. What was even the reason to go digging so deep, when I haven't even processed my notes from Primal yet? There is an irrational fear that I've just set myself back 2 years and I will now be depressed and without self esteem again. Probably this is just a temporary state caused by bringing so many painful memories to the surface all at once. Also, a friend who also did Primal earlier, reached out to me and said it was normal to be very sensitive some time after, and asked how I was doing and suggested to have contact and offered her support. I am grateful to that. I don't feel like I know who I am right now.

I feel like most of us here want enlightenment because subconsciously we want to attain that bliss/peace/no suffering/answers about what reality is, and so when we would attain that we would be so wise and knowledgable and above others, thus being higher on the social scale, which equals better survival. Peace and no suffering is directly correlated with survival, so how to escape these loop? How to know when your seeking enlightenment from a pure heart? Because when you seek enlightenment for the first time, you 100% dont have a pure heart, so how can you get an experience of enlightenment/awakening in a place of selfish reasons? I dont consciously think this, but i know my subconscious mind is.

You can have pure bliss in this life, you dont really need to off yourself, especially in this amazing time were living in.

@Western Buddha I'm not sure if I read your post right but she gave you a handjob did she? Yeah I mean I'd probably be scarred if a trans woman gave me a handjob without me knowing she was transgender. I think I can relate. You just have this feeling of being violated isn't? A feeling which is very hard to articulate and describe. That feeling of being dirty and feeling shame? Try conjuring up the negative emotions and thoughts you have on this experience. And then pay very close attention to your physical sensations. Pay attention to the weird, swirly and pulsating emotions in your body. Come to terms with it, become interested with it. Experience it concretely. See why it is irrational to become bothered by this flowing emotion. Many of these deeply negative emotions have a strong physiological/physical experience to them, and its worth exploring them. Exploring the raw emotion of anxiety and fear. It's something I've been trying to do more recently. So long as you don't lose your will to fight, and remain steadfast in your commitment to face your demons it is impossible for you to not become awakened. -------------------------------------------------- In conjunction to what I said above, perhaps you can look at what happened to you in a funny way right? Like if she gave you a handjob and you cummed it must of have been enjoyable LMAO. A trans woman made you ejaculate. I mean it's no big deal. And I don't say this to belittle your response or your feelings. I'm presenting you my perspective. If it was me I'd just laugh and think "lol sexuality and attraction is so fluid", notice how much of whats going on here in terms of attraction and sexuality is a psychological game. Consider the possibility that the sexual experience you have is in of in itself wasn't actually bad at all. For us humans identical sensations felt in different contexts will drastically change out perception and enjoyment of the sensation. The context here are the thought stories you give e.g: The soreness of your legs the day after the gym vs the soreness in your muscles from a virus A child gets slapped. He turns around. In one situation he sees his father laughing, in the other situation he sees his father looking angry. Shudders of fear vs shudders of delight. anxiety vs laughter Tears of joy vs Tears of sorrow The deliverance from suffering comes in seeing through the illusion of contexts and thought stories. Where this consciousness work will lead I dont know. But I am curious, as to what is to happen once one enters the realm of acute extreme suffering. To experience the transforming of all sensations into pure ecstasy and bliss. Now thats something which is interesting.

@Commodent I hear you. Music was always my way of expressing pain. Or anything, really. But somehow I ended up sacrificing it all for a relationship that ended in disappointment. It stripped me of everything. Suppressed tons. My spark, my passion, my stability, my joy, my bliss. All to win a heart that never truly wanted mine. But that was just a byproduct of deeper wounds. Goes way back. Now it's all nothing ahead of me. Unknown. Empty. As am I. Passion still burns. But it has no way to express itself.

@Shadowraix If you want to use these substances to have breakthroughs you can, but to have a maintained bliss without external requirement, you will need to now how the body works. Try Guided Breathwork after a breakthrough and you'll realise the implications of your body being a DMT machine.

Hey guys, finally felt like sharing this after close to 365 days of procrastination (: Note to whoever bothers to read: It's a "short" personal story about my steep but (probably) worth journey of following Actualized.org : Life Purpose, Meaning of life, Mystical experiences, Happiness, Motivation , Apathy and Nihilism. I feel that some of you will resonate. Enjoy! Concise background rant : 21 years old male born in Poland who moved to Spain at 5. Videogames were my life since as long as I can remember. They really sucked me in throughout my life as I really enjoyed them, I developed mastery in some of them, and they also were my way of escaping my upbringing ( bullied in school, feeling shame for being poor ( living in caravans/ in a shack up till 18), alcoholic / mentally unstable / emotionally abussive mother since birth, etc. All I did was school - videogames ( and very often skipping school to play some more ) . I literally barely have memories up till 17 since everything was very routine-like and other stuff I prefered to repress. I used to be deep in victim mentallity and merely reactive towards the world since I felt that the circumstances were stronger than me and also my father used to over-protect me and my brothers by providing everything he could and making my existance as comfortable as possible, which made me even " weaker " Got into personal development at 17 by accident while googling stuff about how to improove social skills to get a social life and ultimately get better with grils sice I had a crush on a chick in my class (actually I was amazed that there was a whole comunity about improoving themselves). Okay. January 2018 I bought the LP course after getting my first real job that I used to save up for my future studies ( having money is cool) . Three videos in, and next thing I know while meditating I get a flash of " go study psychology in university rather than translation". So I freeze the LP course and for couple of months do what's needed to make the switch in my studies since I didn't want to waste any more time. Resistance kicks in because of boring/challenging subjects and I go through a mini crisis. I didn't know if I was just rationalizing my laziness. But I could intuit that it didin't feel right. Shortly after, I had the insight that I wanted to study psychology because it's what's most similar to Personal-development, and I was like " why not study personal develpment directly? " ( also was actually somewhat motivated by a random Tai Lopez video where he was preaching "taking your eduaction in your own hands". Also shortly before that, as I was Journaling, I became aware ( thanks to Leo's theory and his BS detector ) of how little developed Universities actually are, and that the safety ( both the time spent studying and the job they provide later on ) are a complete ilusion. I knew there was no University Major on Personal-development, and that I would have to wing it. I would have to be both the teacher and the student. May 2018 my confident ass accompanied by faith in my half baked LP decide to take my university savings move to Barcelona (opposite extreme of Spain, 1000km away from my family or anyone I knew) to live on my own and get involved in the RSD pick up comunity ( that was the subfield of Personal developent that I chose to focus on after binging for a year or two on pick up theory). Spent around 3k euro on digital programs as I felt it was an investement. It probably was an investment, but . . . As I felt that my horniness/ flawed self-esteem /poor skills with whamen wouldn't let me advance the LP course, and given that pick up provided a clear path for self-actualization with tangible results, it would be the perfect decision. Right? Well, bear with me. As I meditated more and more ( staring at the same wall since 2016, for 20, 30 min daily, up to 60 min for half a year at my peak ) I became more and "numb". The " wins " just felt okay , and the " loses " just felt okay. I was becoming deatached from life. I could feel it was It was building up towards something. Around June 2018 Leo bursted my bubble. The "Understanding Meaning, Value and Purpose" video cracked my reallity ( Highly recommended video, THANKS LEO) I became conscious of how our Meaning-Making Apparatus works, and that my whole life was a house of cards. Everything I belived in was BS from the beggining ! Long story short : We pull meaning out of our Individual / collective asses and hold on to it as if our life depended on it ( Because it does ! So there is nothing to do and nothing to archive. Your problems aren't real. Seriousness doesn't exist. There is no reason to develop yourself. There is no reason to have sex. There is no reason to talk with your family. There is no reason to eat healthy, there is no reason to stay alive rather than killing yourself. There is no good or bad. Whatever you do, is " Okay" ( with capital "O" ) Also, there is no reason WHY NOT to do any of these things. You are left completely groundless with overwhelming and terrific Freedom. It's all up to you. You either create meaning consciously or soak it up unconsciously. Meaninglessness isn't good or bad, it's meaningless. All of this doesn't come across remotely as powerfull by writing it in a sentence as by becoming directly aware of it with your own real-life examples and actually feeling how the whole conceptual framework of your life crumbles down (: Alright. That ah-ha nihilist moment combined with the decision of quitting my old life , confusion about what do I actually want to do with my life, struggle with understanding what I am, existential dread and tons of questioning of my beliefs, escalated into not only a mid-life crisis, but a full blown Dark night of the soul. For months I was consumed by Nihilism and Anomie. Learning how to date lost its meaning and became very shallow. I flunked my expensive RSD program and I didn't care because money lost meaning for me. I had lost my virginity with a hooker because the stigma was gone, and I half assed some psilocybin mushroom trip where I had no major insights. Finding my Life purpose also lost its meaning for me and although I could Intuit that some anwsers were there, I was already chained by resistance and distractions. I felt enormous emotional pain. Loneliness that wouln't go away even around people; a feeling of not being understood & being amazed at how unconsciously others held onto their beliefs, and more extreme levels of confusion by each belief or asumption that I dared to question. I Indulged in addictions, Porn, masturbation, junk food, trash entretainment. . . Sometimes I laid 24 hours in bed for weeks doing barely nothing, besides standing up to pee and grabbing some unhealthy food to eat. (if there is something that I regret from all of this, it's not documenting my thoughts and the shifts in my worldview enough as everything was happening ) Then, after binging on some more Actualized and Byron Katie content something clicked. I learned how to let go. Of everything, any shoulds, regrets, expectations. . . I learned how to Sit and bliss out. Complete acceptance and surrender to the pressent moment without wishing to be anywhere else. I finally became aware of where the main source of happiness comes from. September 2018 I decided to swallow my pride and fly back to my dads home to be become a Squatter ( quite extended practice here in Spain ) so I wouldn't have to pay rent. I seriously considered to just do full time meditation somehow. Interestingly enough I had a chance to join an Ashram in Barcelona since a monk in an orange toga approached me literally at the entry to my house , offering me a free short copy of the Bhagavad Gita, but I after a brief chat I could see that he was clearly lost in dogma, and my desire to join would be corrupted by the desire of grounding myself in some structure/ authority that would tell me what to do rather than having to embrace the paralyzing freedom. First month back was alright. Blessing out doing nothing feels good but it doesn't manifest in cash ( at least directly ). Since im not into Breatharianism or Freeganism, I got a weekend job to get some income, where I'm working till today. After binging on some more of Leo's content, I stumbled across the " You aren't Happy because you don't want to be " video. After that one I really made myself into a lazy slug couch potato. Summarizing : Swallow unconditional happiness ( which screws up your entire motivational system). You don't guilt yourself for anything. You don't reward yourself. I had learned to be Okay with anything, and also, all the rules to live by were gone. No "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" I was still half-assing meditation, yoga, journaling if I was doing any of these at all, and I was resisting the LP course that had caused me so much struggle. I had some mystical experiences in the past like becoming directly conscious that thoughts come LITERALLY from NOWHERE and had some short lucid dreams here and there, but now after letting go of SO much suddenly for couple of days I started being conscious inside of my dreams sometimes even few times per night; two times I started Astral Proyecting and levitated horizontally out of my body for a short time and flew around my room; that one time I woke up half asleep and had a short no-self experience where I literally lost my sense of self and finally around november I had a two minute samadhi experience where I discovered non symbolic understanding and realized what direct awareness actually means. I became aware of what the fabric of reallity was ( you can call it consciousness, but if you categorize it in any way it dissapears, exactly the same way as if you want to think about silence, any word that you come up with is not it.). I remember looking at the wall for around 20 min doing some neti neti / focusing on Actuallity meditation , and I realized the wall, my body, my perceptions and my thoughts were made exactly out of the same thing! Finally that " all is one " cliche made sense. Cool, but I'm still here, and life is still going on. Yeah, this happened around 7 months ago. Thought it would be a good idea to not " push" myself and just digest the insights. I didn't resist anything, and as you can guess, before I knew I was already caught in distractions / addictions. Since then, even though It's hard for me to suffer unless I go full unconscious mode, I've been stuck in the same rut as from last year since the reallity breakdown of discractions, porn, masturbation, sugar, wheat, junk food and and now also videogames. Resistance has the cuffs on me and the LP course feels like a threat to my ego so I keep sweeping it under the rug after slowly chipping away at it. I rationalize my behaviours because ultimately everything is " Okay ". Right? This is a new challenge. I never had to face addiction . I never had to create Meaning to live by from scratch. (Fun fact , I used to have somewhat arrogant thoughts along the lines of " how can these people be addicted to smoking? Boii, make me addicted to crack-cocaine and I'mma break that sh*t in NO TIME. Lol.) At the beginning when I had quit videogames after 15 years, I did it cold turkey since I had so much motivation to develop my social skills for a reason ( the idea of getting in a relationship was so meaningful ! ) But during the " crisis " I saw that actually, it was meaningful to me because I craved aprooval, both from the girl and from other people for getting such girl. It was ME who created that meaning. Admiting that ALL of my motivation to develop myself was grounded in the desire for girls and aprooval was a tough pill to swallow. So once I realized this, and that family, money, working out for looks , fame, archiving any kind of social status or any other "Social Success" , are no longer sources of motivation and meaning, I'm just left with "doing whatever I want , only for myself". And it's freaking hard and lonely. Developing myself just for myself . I never had to do this before. I was used to allways suck on other peoples meaning and value structures. But now I saw behind the curtains and there is no going back even if I wanted to. Definately subestimated what it takes to be an Autodidact and what it takes to be in charge of your own life . Pretty funny how reallity humbled down my arrogant ass that expected smooth exponential growht lol. Even though I have quite a few ideas about how to break free I'm struggling to pull myself out of the rut even after couple of attempts, and i'm too arrogant in my skill of taking care of myself to ask for help. Any rules I set for myself are weak since I can see they are groundless. Commitments are also shallow since I see how they are groundless. ( I see how I create meaning out of thin air ). Blurry visions that I come up with for my life haven't yet created enough leverage. But yeah, I'll have to humble down again and go for Tony Robbins basic self help, consciously create a structure to live by, and keep chipping away at the LP course. Shoutout to all my fams who are stuck in a rut, and if you aren't , don't worry, you will be ! (:

@Nahm I have stopped pursuing Truth. I know what is true, but I don't know what you guys talk about. Although I kind of know, it's the sense of wonder and not recognising the things as mundane anymore, but rather as magical. I want that feeling because I am just a human being. Right now, I don't feel no bliss and no suffering. Just a neutral feeling of peace. I love you too ❤️ even though I don't feel the kind of romantic love I imagine "enlightened" people feel. Just a neutral feeling of love, not a feeling of high anyway.

Bliss is an experience achieved from LIMITING YOURSELF. I love you, and also you have no idea what you’re talking about. If the Truth were horrible would you be pursuing it? If you already new you wouldn't be pursing.

Hey guys, finally felt like sharing this after close to 365 days of procrastination (: I genuinely like to write, and even more about these topics. I enjoy the comunity aspect that this forum provides even though we all are at diferent levels of developement, we have shared interests, and I belive it helps us to stay grounded in our " personal-development " reallity frame rather than the reallity of those who are around us and culture itself. I'll mostly write when inspiration strikes me (: Note to whoever bothers to read: This here Is a "short" personal story about my steep but (probably) worth journey of following Actualized.org : Life Purpose, Meaning of life, Mystical experiences, Happiness, Motivation , Apathy and Nihilism. I feel that some of you will resonate. Enjoy! Concise background rant : 21 years old male born in Poland who moved to Spain at 5. Videogames were my life since as long as I can remember. They really sucked me in throughout my life as I really enjoyed them, I developed mastery in some of them, and they also were my way of escaping my upbringing ( bullied in school, feeling shame for being poor ( living in caravans/ in a shack up till 18), alcoholic / mentally unstable / emotionally abussive mother since birth, etc. All I did was school - videogames ( and very often skipping school to play some more ) . I literally barely have memories up till 17 since everything was very routine-like and other stuff I prefered to repress. I used to be deep in victim mentallity and merely reactive towards the world since I felt that the circumstances were stronger than me and also my father used to over-protect me and my brothers by providing everything he could and making my existance as comfortable as possible, which made me even " weaker " Got into personal development at 17 by accident while googling stuff about how to improove social skills to get a social life and ultimately get better with grils sice I had a crush on a chick in my class (actually I was amazed that there was a whole comunity about improoving themselves). Okay. January 2018 I bought the LP course after getting my first real job that I used to save up for my future studies ( having money is cool) . Three videos in, and next thing I know while meditating I get a flash of " go study psychology in university rather than translation". So I freeze the LP course and for couple of months do what's needed to make the switch in my studies since I didn't want to waste any more time. Resistance kicks in because of boring/challenging subjects and I go through a mini crisis. I didn't know if I was just rationalizing my laziness. But I could intuit that it didin't feel right. Shortly after, I had the insight that I wanted to study psychology because it's what's most similar to Personal-development, and I was like " why not study personal develpment directly? " ( also was actually somewhat motivated by a random Tai Lopez video where he was preaching "taking your eduaction in your own hands". Also shortly before that, as I was Journaling, I became aware ( thanks to Leo's theory and his BS detector ) of how little developed Universities actually are, and that the safety ( both the time spent studying and the job they provide later on ) are a complete ilusion. I knew there was no University Major on Personal-development, and that I would have to wing it. I would have to be both the teacher and the student. May 2018 my confident ass accompanied by faith in my half baked LP decide to take my university savings move to Barcelona (opposite extreme of Spain, 1000km away from my family or anyone I knew) to live on my own and get involved in the RSD pick up comunity ( that was the subfield of Personal developent that I chose to focus on after binging for a year or two on pick up theory). Spent around 3k euro on digital programs as I felt it was an investement. It probably was an investment, but . . . As I felt that my horniness/ flawed self-esteem /poor skills with whamen wouldn't let me advance the LP course, and given that pick up provided a clear path for self-actualization with tangible results, it would be the perfect decision. Right? Well, bear with me. As I meditated more and more ( staring at the same wall since 2016, for 20, 30 min daily, up to 60 min for half a year at my peak ) I became more and "numb". The " wins " just felt okay , and the " loses " just felt okay. I was becoming deatached from life. I could feel it was It was building up towards something. Around June 2018 Leo bursted my bubble. The "Understanding Meaning, Value and Purpose" video cracked my reallity ( Highly recommended video, THANKS LEO) I became conscious of how our Meaning-Making Apparatus works, and that my whole life was a house of cards. Everything I belived in was BS from the beggining ! Long story short : We pull meaning out of our Individual / collective asses and hold on to it as if our life depended on it ( Because it does ! So there is nothing to do and nothing to archive. Your problems aren't real. Seriousness doesn't exist. There is no reason to develop yourself. There is no reason to have sex. There is no reason to talk with your family. There is no reason to eat healthy, there is no reason to stay alive rather than killing yourself. There is no good or bad. Whatever you do, is " Okay" ( with capital "O" ) Also, there is no reason WHY NOT to do any of these things. You are left completely groundless with overwhelming and terrific Freedom. It's all up to you. You either create meaning consciously or soak it up unconsciously. Meaninglessness isn't good or bad, it's meaningless. All of this doesn't come across remotely as powerfull by writing it in a sentence as by becoming directly aware of it with your own real-life examples and actually feeling how the whole conceptual framework of your life crumbles down (: Alright. That ah-ha nihilist moment combined with the decision of quitting my old life , confusion about what do I actually want to do with my life, struggle with understanding what I am, existential dread and tons of questioning of my beliefs, escalated into not only a mid-life crisis, but a full blown Dark night of the soul. For months I was consumed by Nihilism and Anomie. Learning how to date lost its meaning and became very shallow. I flunked my expensive RSD program and I didn't care because money lost meaning for me. I had lost my virginity with a hooker because the stigma was gone, and I half assed some psilocybin mushroom trip where I had no major insights. Finding my Life purpose also lost its meaning for me and although I could Intuit that some anwsers were there, I was already chained by resistance and distractions. I felt enormous emotional pain. Loneliness that wouln't go away even around people; a feeling of not being understood & being amazed at how unconsciously others held onto their beliefs, and more extreme levels of confusion by each belief or asumption that I dared to question. I Indulged in addictions, Porn, masturbation, junk food, trash entretainment. . . Sometimes I laid 24 hours in bed for weeks doing barely nothing, besides standing up to pee and grabbing some unhealthy food to eat. (if there is something that I regret from all of this, it's not documenting my thoughts and the shifts in my worldview enough as everything was happening ) Then, after binging on some more Actualized and Byron Katie content something clicked. I learned how to let go. Of everything, any shoulds, regrets, expectations. . . I learned how to Sit and bliss out. Complete acceptance and surrender to the pressent moment without wishing to be anywhere else. I finally became aware of where the main source of happiness comes from. September 2018 I decided to swallow my pride and fly back to my dads home to be become a Squatter ( quite extended practice here in Spain ) so I wouldn't have to pay rent. I seriously considered to just do full time meditation somehow. Interestingly enough I had a chance to join an Ashram in Barcelona since a monk in an orange toga approached me literally at the entry to my house , offering me a free short copy of the Bhagavad Gita, but I after a brief chat I could see that he was clearly lost in dogma, and my desire to join would be corrupted by the desire of grounding myself in some structure/ authority that would tell me what to do rather than having to embrace the paralyzing freedom. First month back was alright. Blessing out doing nothing feels good but it doesn't manifest in cash ( at least directly ). Since im not into Breatharianism or Freeganism, I got a weekend job to get some income, where I'm working till today. After binging on some more of Leo's content, I stumbled across the " You aren't Happy because you don't want to be " video. After that one I really made myself into a lazy slug couch potato. Summarizing : Swallow unconditional happiness ( which screws up your entire motivational system). You don't guilt yourself for anything. You don't reward yourself. I had learned to be Okay with anything, and also, all the rules to live by were gone. No "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" I was still half-assing meditation, yoga, journaling if I was doing any of these at all, and I was resisting the LP course that had caused me so much struggle. I had some mystical experiences in the past like becoming directly conscious that thoughts come LITERALLY from NOWHERE and had some short lucid dreams here and there, but now after letting go of SO much suddenly for couple of days I started being conscious inside of my dreams sometimes even few times per night; two times I started Astral Proyecting and levitated horizontally out of my body for a short time and flew around my room; that one time I woke up half asleep and had a short no-self experience where I literally lost my sense of self and finally around november I had a two minute samadhi experience where I discovered non symbolic understanding and realized what direct awareness actually means. I became aware of what the fabric of reallity was ( you can call it consciousness, but if you categorize it in any way it dissapears, exactly the same way as if you want to think about silence, any word that you come up with is not it.). I remember looking at the wall for around 20 min doing some neti neti / focusing on Actuallity meditation , and I realized the wall, my body, my perceptions and my thoughts were made exactly out of the same thing! Finally that " all is one " cliche made sense. Cool, but I'm still here, and life is still going on. Yeah, this happened around 7 months ago. Thought it would be a good idea to not " push" myself and just digest the insights. I didn't resist anything, and as you can guess, before I knew I was already caught in distractions / addictions. Since then, even though It's hard for me to suffer unless I go full unconscious mode, I've been stuck in the same rut as from last year since the reallity breakdown of discractions, porn, masturbation, sugar, wheat, junk food and and now also videogames. Resistance has the cuffs on me and the LP course feels like a threat to my ego so I keep sweeping it under the rug after slowly chipping away at it. I rationalize my behaviours because ultimately everything is " Okay ". Right? This is a new challenge. I never had to face addiction . I never had to create Meaning to live by from scratch. (Fun fact , I used to have somewhat arrogant thoughts along the lines of " how can these people be addicted to smoking? Boii, make me addicted to crack-cocaine and I'mma break that sh*t in NO TIME. Lol.) At the beginning when I had quit videogames after 15 years, I did it cold turkey since I had so much motivation to develop my social skills for a reason ( the idea of getting in a relationship was so meaningful ! ) But during the " crisis " I saw that actually, it was meaningful to me because I craved aprooval, both from the girl and from other people for getting such girl. It was ME who created that meaning. Admiting that ALL of my motivation to develop myself was grounded in the desire for girls and aprooval was a tough pill to swallow. So once I realized this, and that family, money, working out for looks , fame, archiving any kind of social status or any other "Social Success" , are no longer sources of motivation and meaning, I'm just left with "doing whatever I want , only for myself". And it's freaking hard and lonely. Developing myself just for myself . I never had to do this before. I was used to allways suck on other peoples meaning and value structures. But now I saw behind the curtains and there is no going back even if I wanted to. Definately subestimated what it takes to be an Autodidact and what it takes to be in charge of your own life . Pretty funny how reallity humbled down my arrogant ass that expected smooth exponential growht lol. Even though I have quite a few ideas about how to break free I'm struggling to pull myself out of the rut even after couple of attempts, and i'm too arrogant in my skill of taking care of myself to ask for help. Any rules I set for myself are weak since I can see they are groundless. Commitments are also shallow since I see how they are groundless. ( I see how I create meaning out of thin air ). Blurry visions that I come up with for my life haven't yet created enough leverage. But yeah, I'll have to humble down again and go for Tony Robbins basic self help, consciously create a structure to live by, and keep chipping away at the LP course. Shoutout to all my fams who are stuck in a rut, and if you aren't , don't worry, you will be ! (:

@LittleMaslow Nice! Awesome! Thanks for your input. It would be awesome to experience that everyday bliss sadhguru talks about if one does this practice for a while. Thanks for this i had the same concern. @Chi_ Oh and one more question is the practice rather noisy or can it be done in silence?

Lesson He said God is precision engineer. I realized that I have gotten random results because my execution was not precise or consistent. To get precise results, my execution needs to be precise or consistent. My plan is precise enough. I just need to improve precision of execution. Even though precise execution could increase short-term inefficiency due to rigidity, it is a rocket fuel of productivity in the long term. If you allow imprecise execution, you will soon end up being distracted and procrastinating. By sacrificing a bit of flexibility in execution, you get far superior execution. Elon Musk's schedule is somewhat rigid. But, through precise execution, he gets superior results. Questions He said God is bored in nirvana and decides to go back to life because there is nothing to do in nirvana. He said in another video that God can never be bored because it is infinitely fascinated by itself. In nirvana, God experiences infinite bliss. Which one is correct? Is God bored or not bored? Why would God be bored in nirvana if it experiences infinite bliss there?

This... This is the peak of male power. Im gonna take on the beast of 6 months as the superior man takes on his depolarized potato. Im gonna ravish the world with neverending, evergrowing spring-nectar of holy hormonal bliss extracted by the means NoNut and the cultivation my alpha essence into awareness, creativity, wet attraction, and fuckin' nonduality. Let me present a short backstory for you all: I have been on this journey of NoFap for close to 2 years, my longest streak being 6 months which im now gonna recreate a year later with unmeasurable power gained from this hard journey in between. Only recently have I been gaining the benefits of my endless observations of where my life is going with this addiction, and only now I have gained a confidence like never before out of the sheer fact that I have learned something new every time I have relapsed, up until a week ago; I felt this sudden shift, that signaled that im capable of doing this. I quit video games and PMO cold turkey last week, and my positive motivations have provided me with unmeasurable confidence, aiding me to pulverize and absorb the last fiber of any hedonistic desires with the light of my awareness. Many goals have been set. This ain't gonna be an easy cookie to chew but I shall let the confidence in my goals carry me through! Im gonna read many books that will aid me in this journey, and I will be exposing myself through this journal as frequently as I have the time to be online. This challenge will be: Unconditional semen retention (within my power) No ejaculation, not even when having sex No watching porn, (Not exposing myself to anything sufficiently graphic to spawn arousal) No intentional/recreational fantasizing I will keep you guys updated through this journal, in @Shin's words: In this quote, Mr.Shin refers to accountability partners. With radical honesty, I will keep you guys updated along the way! Credits to @8Ball, @Sahil Pandit, @youngshinzen, @Shin, @Vitamine Water, @Marinus, @Jol356 , @alea @Leo Gura and all of you guys who are inspiring me and are keeping the holy practise of semen retention alive!