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We should all appreciate the joy that breathing, drinking water and eating healthy brings to us... It looks so simple. White american males must be too much in their stories.. The only reason i see for suicide is being tired of life because of not having enough for food/ water/shelter, so you cant keep your energy up. All madness is caused by the lack of resource. Otherwise you just need to start paying attention how good it feels to just breathe... Even if you've been bullied by someone etc or raped or whatever. Shame... Who cares, look how good it feels to breathe my ego loves to breathe too. Its reasonable.

I would say life is a nightmare for a lot of people, not just drug addicts. Depression and suicide rates have been on the rise for decades now, and will only continue to grow. Most of the people committing suicide in America? Middle class, white American males. Are these people who take their lives also not suffering, maybe more so than the addict? It got so bad they had to take their lives? Drugs, sex, money, partying, alcohol, TV, etc. don't cause suffering. They're merely distracting oneself from feeling the intense suffering they have by not being in the present moment and finding fulfillment by turning inward. But hedonists don't turn inward, do they? They seek pleasure through outside means.

Enlightenment comes to oneself depending on the path one takes. I believe that faster one throws themselves into the emotional fray, the sooner it will arrive however it greatly jeopardizes their sanity and life and they may seek suicide as a solution for their suffering. A life of small baby steps of personal growth will make such process a lot longer and perhaps one will miss the boat before they pass. But the length of time it takes should not at all be a focus. In fact enlightenment shouldn't even be a focus whatsoever. It should remain a 'cool thing to accomplish' and that's it. Take the desire out of such journey. By doing that you're already on the right track. In all honesty, it comes the fastest when one applies self-analysis and notes their neurotic behavior.

Hey guys this is my first post I am currently a sophomore in college and live in the dorms. Over the summer I broke up with my girlfriend because she is a very negative, angry, and emotionally driven person and we had nothing in common. The problem I'm having is she lives in the dorms with me, just a floor under me. She is completely obsessed with me and will randomly come up to my room and immediately put me in a bad mood. I have worked on staying calm around her but after a while it seems impossible. She gets so mad and is always yelling and hitting me for no reason. Then I will ask her to leave my room and she will argue until she finally leaves and then will threaten suicide if I "don't maker her feel better" (which really means saying something that she can twist into thinking we will get back together.) She has coerced me into having sex or cuddling with her multiple times and has even gotten me to be fwb for a while. I did not want this I felt trapped and forced. I really wish I would never have to see her again, she is bringing me down emotionally and makes me not even want to leave my room for fear of seeing her. Any suggesttions for mentally dealing with this? All I've tried is willing myself to stay calm which can only work for so long .

that is why you need help. you "tolerated". you are like a sponge. she can suck on it for the emotional juice she needs and spit it out when she wants to and suck on you "whenever" she likes without regards to your "being" and "feeling" of the moment. you are such a dush... just report her to the dorm manager or better, "find a temporary girl-friend to separate her out". she is messing up your life, bro. she threaten suicide? or you come again? i will record you and our conversation and put you on Youtube for the world to see. it works...no joke. You start with "my g/f can't leave episo #1"? you can take it down when she decided to leave.

hi my lovely family hope you are all doing fine ? can we discuss this topic, I don't mean suicide, can we do visualizations and affirmations , to leave physical body ?

Since she has already got around you before, she is convinced that you will buckle again. Are you giving her mixed signals by letting her into your room? You sound like someone plagued by guilt. Have a chat to a your personal tutor or make an offical complaint to a member of staff that she is threatening suicide. Tell them that she is harassing you and you would like her to stop. It's time to be serious about this if it is bothering you that much. Harassment can be draining and will impact on your studies.

Define self actualisation for you first. For a homeless man in NYC it's the accomplishment of a warm bed and hot food For a child in poverty it's the ability to provide clean water and tomorrow's meal For a mother with 4 kids it's to support and provide till they become independent For a girl with big dreams it's flashing lights and magazine covers For some it's enlightenment For others it's suicide For many it's religion For you? Who knows

Have equal attention to all of your emotions. Become distracted by one or more at first and gradually all of them. Forcibly induce an unconditionally calm and content state of mind during all of them; including happiness, so as to not act rash. This cocktail of emotions creates a seemingly impossible balance. Despite the differing emotions, they create a balance. The reason why is the same as how people are not as disturbed by the emotion they experience during movies. For instance, a scene about suicide from a brave teenager who takes the place of another and yet is the main character may induce anger, sadness, happiness, suffering, and also provide a burst of energy and inspiration. Try this exercise when you watch a well flavored movie or while you are going to sleep. Do not treat any emotion as poisonous. Instead, dive into what seems like fire only to find it to be light. This is why the differing emotions mix so well. It only seems like fire, but when you get past opinions and the futility of traditional and mainstream thought, it is light. This exercise can also be done with the five senses. Please leave comments about your own experiences.

I had a dream recently where I was walking down the street with Eckhart Tolle and I asked him, "Eckhart, why is it that your suffering led to your enlightenment? When so many people around the world suffer so much, and it only leads to more suffering, even suicide. Suffering hides from awareness and is only ever the punisher and not the teacher. But for you, it seemed to have some sort of scientific effect on your ego, breaking it down until you could see it for what it is" I can't remember what he answered in the dream, could anyone help me with this? Cheers guys.

@Gabriel David Gomez I've been thinking about this. The hedonistic growth of societies have caused us to suffer. Our mind doesn't know how to limit desire and say enough is enough, nor does it know how to not compare us to other people and perceive them as better off because they may have one materialistic thing that we don't have. It seems like a fundamental flaw of the human psyche, drilled in by societal conditioning. Depression and suicide rates have been on the rise for a while now. In 2010, for the first time in human's history, more people lived in cities than not. Urbanization is damaging to the psyche - stimulants are abound, families are broken up, there's nothing but competition in a never-ending hamster wheel, we're overcrowded and yet everyone feels like a stranger to us. We evolved from close-knit tribes, in forests and in nature. The underdeveloped societies are measured to be the most happy and fulfilled in life, counter-intuitively. Suicides and depression are swept under the rug, never reported on in the mainstream. Human psychology is never given a thought in mainstream society, because it doesn't serve the hedonistic nature of itself. These are just my theories, of course. I find it to be true in my own life.

Can people relate to that feeling when you want to do something and finally get yourself together and pursue this something, but am faced with social resistance in the face of which you begin to doubt yourself intensely - is what you fight for even right, good, worthwhile, etc.? It is important to understand that this question comes from a place of great misery, feeling both lost and alien in the world. Paul Chek once said "I'm normal, humanity is sick." Teal Swan touched on the issue, I believe, in her post about authenticity and how the anti-Teal campaigns made her feel like her existence is wrong, "This very train of thinking is what led to my suicide attempts years ago." The situation is that I live at home and am currently somewhat frowned upon by my family. I do remember that topic back from the birth of the forum where the consensus of people stated that they don't share nor tell friends and relatives about their interest in PD, but this is difficult wrt diet, fitness and meditation, among other things. There seems to be a run and retreat mechanism: I will try to implement something or make a change. Testing the waters, momentarily unveiling parts of the facade (that I believe most people create, read 'The Drama of the Gifted Child'), but once scorned sufficiently, I revert. As you might imagine, this causes great confusion and self-doubt. Since early childhood I have sensed a hypocritical attitude in others where they idly aspire to certain ideals (health, success, etc.) - yet simultaneously almost keep others down in their pursuit of those very ideals. And this behavior absolutely baffles me. I don't think there is any point to describe the situation any further. Fill in the blanks. I hope that I managed to convey the gist of the topic that I want to raise a discussion about. How can you possibly work with your parents rather than against them? Does self-actualization work have to be this strenuous?

Um I think most of the world's population is glad to have been born. Don't overestimate how bad life is before enlightenment. The egoic mind causes suffering but there are still good times in life, and those good times make the suffering worth it. Especially if you have a life purpose and are doing personal development. Personally, even when my ego has gotten out of control to the point where I thought about suicide I never regretted being born in the first place. And since you say that we're all better off dead, what are your reasons for not killing yourself?

How many of you are doing fasting? I've been doing 14-16 hours of intermittent fasting every day for 5 years now. I also do at least one 24-hour fast a week and occasional 48-hour ones. The benefits of fasting are quite amazing. Autophagy - self-digestion that cleans accumulated waste and repairs cells on the mitochondrial level. Also, it's needed for healthy brain cells. Longevity - in mice, fasting increases life span. There have been also experimental studies about rejuvenescence, which is basically reversing an organism from adulthood into its embryotic state. Possible effects on humans as well. Growth Hormone - the Holy Grail of longevity and leanness. It increases by an astonishing 1300-2000%. It helps to build muscle, lose fat and also makes your skin clean, smooth and less wrinkled. Ketosis - while fasting you increase the production of ketone bodies by 5-fold. You become a fat burning machine, which has more to do with mitochondrial density and energy levels, instead of losing weight. Because of that you won't be burning muscle while fasting either. In fact, you reduce muscle catabolism to a bare minimum. Increased metabolism - fasting doesn't lead to a metabolic crash. It actually speeds it up by 3-14%. Protection against tumors and cancer - in mice, intermittent fasting leads to cellular suicide of cancer cells, while protecting normal cells. This happens because of when in ketosis, there's no sugar for disease to feed upon and they starve. Not definite evidence that fasting could potentially cure cancer, but it definitely will increase your resistance to it. The benefits of fasting will be even more profound after the initial 36 hours. Autophagy revs up exponentially especially after this mark. I would recommend people do a 48 hour fast at least a few times a year. I just recently finished one of mine. I didn't even get hungry or lose muscle. In fact, I feel like I set the perfect environment for enhanced recovery, because of triggering these anabolic hormones. If you want to know how to survive a 48 hour fast, then you can read my blog post with my 2 day fast formula. Anyway, what's your relationship with fasting? Intermittent fasting is very popular, but what about several day fasts?

@username If you do a copy/paste with your consciousness, then no problem. You have a clone that thinks like you or whatever and you still get to live. If you do a cut/paste, then the "cut" part means you kill yourself. You don't sound like you're advocating mass suicide, but unfortunately, a lot of people sound like they do. @Leo Gura No, actually it's been done for the first time recently. It says brain-to-brain, but actually it's brain-to-computer-to-brain. So it seems like your prediction has an error of hundreds of years. No it doesn't require you to know anything about consciousness. You just have to plug wires at the right place and Boom! You know the internet like the back or your hand. You plug some more and Boom! You have a hundred different senses, instead of the usual five. A few more wires and Boom! Enlightenment can be pursued without all the distractions and traps that usually get in your way when doing self-inquiry. It's obviously simplified, but you get the point. That's where we totally agree. I want to become a robot by incrementally modifying my brain in a way that I always wake up after the operation and it just felt like a normal nap. This way I don't even have to get into the whole consciousness debate. The key here is incremental change. You're already doing it every night. Why not improve the process?

@Electron Pleasure implies there is an opposite: pain. Enlightenment has no opposites. it is peace. Peace with what is. That is why I pursue enlightenment. The second reason for me personally is Truth; I want to know what is the Truth. But yes, on the other hand, you might want to promise your mind/ego some pleasure to convince it to commit suicide. Maybe that is comparable to Islamic promises (I am no way expert in that field BTW) that if you kill your Self, you will get some virgins in the end. Isn't that the promise of peace after your ego is annihilated? If so, it is completely misinterpreted by Islamic suicide bombers....

From the article, "Family Matters- Sadhguru Speaks About His Family" For some reason we could not complete the consecration at that time. So on that full moon day, she sat with a group of people, meditating. Eight minutes later, she left, without any effort and with a big smile on her face. She was at the peak of her health, just thirty-three years of age. It is not easy to leave like this without causing any damage to the body. Just walking out of your body like you drop your clothes and go is not an ordinary thing. When a person has reached that point in his life when he feels everything that he needs is fulfilled, and there is nothing more to see in his life, he drops his body, willfully. If there is any struggle or injury, it means suicide. When there is no struggle, when somebody just walks out like he walks out of a room, that’s Mahasamadhi. Once a person leaves like this, that person is no more. When somebody dies, you say they are no more, but that’s not true. They are “no more” the way you know them, that’s all. But once a person leaves in full awareness, shedding the body without causing any injury or damage to the body, that person is truly no more. That person doesn’t exist as a being anymore. They have just melted away, the game is up, completely. For all spiritual seekers, Mahasamadhi is the ultimate goal – the very culmination of their sadhana to dissolve into Divinity.

Week 4 *** Hours Sat: 105 Hours sat this week: 29 Current daily average: 3.75 Experiences: The opening sit of the week was one of the worst experience I've had in my entire life. My alarm went off at 4:00am but I only started at 4:30 because it was freezing and I was feeling lazy. The first few minutes were pretty normal but I lost track of time completely after that point. Gradually the resistance welled up inside of me like battery acid was leaking over my organs. My heart started pounding, I started shaking. It felt like my head was going to explode, both from the physical feeling of pressure and the barrage of thoughts that started hitting me from all sides. As the resistance deepened I started to feel physically ill all over my body, like my veins were filled with hot tar. I remember once I drank an entire bottle of vodka on a night out and ended up begging for death on the floor of a nightclub toilet. This was exactly like that, combined with strong negative emotions and negative thought. I started retching; physically trying to vomit, my stomach was empty though so nothing came up. My room couldn't have been more than 5 degrees but I was drenched in sweat. I just sat there and remembered Mooji talking about Sri Ramana Maharishi: I said to myself “there's nothing back there for you” The pain in my ass, knees, back and ankles intensified as time progressed. I literally felt like a resistor in a circuit would feel if it had a nervous system and gradually had more and more electric current pushed through it with increasing voltage. I have no idea how long this lasted but it felt like a thousand years. Then in the space of about 5 seconds I dropped into a new dimension. It felt like bomb diving into a swimming pool where the implosion of cool water hits your entire body at once. Every single muscle in my body relaxed and I went into deep REM. All of the activity of my mind ripped apart like an engine that had run past its max rpm and had run out of oil. All words lost their meaning and I separated out from the mind completely, I could "see" it just as a movement of energy in front of "me". The pain in my body/emotional centres felt like it was being sucked out of me. A bit like if you open all the windows of a house on a hot summers day and a cool breeze rushes in. The really painful parts of my body still felt the same but the relationship to the pain changed 100%. If you are holding your hands in a fire it's excruciating but if your hands are near a fire on a cold day its beautiful. In both cases the fire is the same. The pain was the same before and after “the drop” but now the pain was kind of beautiful. This is the best analogy I could come up with. I finished the sit, everything was completely the same as before; I felt “normal-ish" is what I mean, but I was still completely blown away by what had happened. I didn't know suffering could just stop so rapidly like that and I didn't know it was possible to go so far out of the mind. I've observed thoughts before but this was like a whole new layer of depth that was added, beyond description. I did 3 more 3 hour sits on Monday and then 4 3 hour sits on Tuesday. *** Every day when my alarm goes off my inner voice goes “I'm up, I'm up, I'm up” and then I reach over and turn it off. On Wednesday for some reason my alarm went off and I said to myself “I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake” and I turned it off. I sat for a few moments and then just burst out laughing. I'm awake. Of course! I'm awake! That's all I've ever been! I've experienced this fundamental shift many times but it's still just as surprising and relieving to realise it again. I instantly shifted from bear down to ease up meditation. I was beginning to get abiding paraesthesia down the front of my legs so I switched to sitting in a chair. It was just sitting, no effort or determination or willpower, I wasn't trying to sit still. I also wasn't just sitting physically, internally I was just sitting in “awake-ness” I prefer to say this instead of awareness because it's easier for me to understand and feel, but its consciousness/god/the witness/awareness that I'm talking about. I took my seat fundamentally as the awakened mind. This is where “choosing” enlightenment becomes possible. This guy articulates what I was trying to describe a few weeks ago with the term "willing": … And so I sat, like a king I consulting with his people I practised recognising my “awake-ness” in everything that happened to me. [sound] bird chirps (ok next) [feeling] peaceful sensations in thorax (ok next) [thought] You're not awake (ok next) [thought] (in response to previous thought) LOL! what the fuck are you talking about, of course he's awake it wouldn't be possible for you to exist if he wasn't awake. (ok next) [sound] dog barks (ok next) [physical sensation] PAIN (ok next) [thought] mental image of me writing about this (ok next) [thought] you should stop updating your journal, enlightened people are quiet (ok next) [feeling] feeling of shame (ok next) … and so on. There's no attempt at manipulation, just allowing everything to be as it is when it arrives, when its present and when it leaves. It's tricky to talk about because I've heard the same things over and over again, but now I actually get it. Its so obvious and at the same time paradoxically impossible, there isn't anyone to do non-manipulation, awake-ness is already the substrate in which everything happens, like fish swimming in the water. Everything that happens is only possible because I'm awake, of course I'm not awake, I'm in that which is awake. I just continued sitting in a chair. A chair is much easier because there's not as much pain and you don't have to concentrate so much on your body sensations/posture. I didn't record these hours, so all of my recorded hours are those that I spent meditating on my knees in front of a wall. *** On Friday it happened, what I've been trying to get to. I sat down and just kept watching and allowing, letting my resistance gradually erode away and at one point I was just awake. I heard the sound of the birds chirping but it was just the bird chirping. Not like bird over there, I'm here, oh there's the beginning of the bird chirping and now its done, no: JUST THE BIRD CHIRPING. I looked at the wall and all there was just the wall, tears were streaming down, laughter happening, dog barking, pain happening. This is literally impossible to describe because its so present there isn't even anyone there to collect details to write about, storing memories, thinking up analogies, shit just happens. I've only experienced this for a few brief moments in my life but only under extraordinary circumstances, never as result of meditation. I suspect that as I continue practising and eroding away my ego structures through the process of purification these states will become more frequent/permanent. I now really, really get what Adyashanti was talking about in the first video I linked to in my first post, its a state of willingly allowing yourself to fall away by taking your seat as consciousness - a ritual suicide ha ha. I thought I got it before, and I kinda did but now its become a fully realised teaching in me, purification has become conscious; I've developed the taste for it. I don't have to motivate myself into sitting anymore. I want to sit for 6 hours a day now. The process is quite terrifying, even outside of meditation. As I'm typing this I'm feeling the joints of my fingers scattering randomly around some keys, stringing together words out of nowhere to create something that has meaning. It's all happening on it's own and I have no control over any of it. I don't even have control over the fear that comes up as a result of realising that I have no control. All I can do is watch. All I shall do is watch with equanimity, and allow that aspect of me to gradually subside, and I know it's going to take as long as it takes. *** I'm going to add notes to my journal because there are so many things I want to document. I don't intend to try and teach or explain anything for its own sake. I just want to document how I'm thinking/feeling/rationalising through this process so that I can see any traps that I fall into and in the event of something bad happening, my notes will serve as an example of what not to do. I've found journaling to be a really useful tool to gaining insight into myself. DO NOT take anything I add here as gospel, or right, or wrong for that matter. Its just a journal and I'm still very immature spiritually so I don't really know what I'm talking about. These are some videos/speeches/songs that I used to watch to help G-up emotionally and psychologically in addition to my vision video. i don't need them anymore, but they were useful for me so I'll share them: Videos: An Invocation for Beginnings Meet the Hero Go all the way Lil dicky album trailer Olan rogers apparel adverts; good balance of hilariousness : seriousness because that's what the spiritual journey is. Spring Fall Songs: Extrodanary machine Yellow Flicker Beat

@Mal @Kenya My concern is that: I, (future-higher-forum-status-me, and potentially current high-status others) may be taken more seriously than I/we should be..... Actually Mal, you got me thinking about this, in relation to these titles...when you said how "you" (myself and some others) don't know what we are talking about....I thought how true that is.... there are people bringing up serious topics in their lives (even suicide etc)... the story you provided was actually a perfect example of what I am saying.... so, Are venerable members potentially imbuing more trust/ value/ truth into the suggestions they receive from others?... and.... Is this potentially, dangerous, or unhealthy for lost souls at times? I don't feel that I have personally constructed any sort of hierarchy... but who knows?... I feel that the actual names of these titles, inherently denote a hierarchy in themselves...given the dictionary definition of each status.... that said, you are probably right, that I have over-constructed this mentally...made things seem more significant than in the universal reality...I had only guessed that the intended purpose for increasing levels of status may have been to help newbies find mentors...I have no idea if that is actually why the status titles are there...I still don't really get it... are they just to encourage posting? Mal, I am so sorry that you have felt pressured to coach, that shifty/unfair....(they could at least pay you, kidding). Personally, I believe that there are lessons we can all learn from each other... and status is irrelevant in this regard... an individual just beginning to explore consciousness, may surpass most others in a specific realm of thought, where their unique mental skills are truly able to excel.... and the opposite is also possible, even for experienced personal development mentors...

Thanks Ayla!!! I love you, really. hehehe.... very nice of you sharing that. I had a similar experience but not with suicide, my thoughts almost drove me crazy, so the "I" didn't have a choice.

I know this place is not where we should discuss politics and it is not what I want. However, I find it quite hard to stay hopeful and sane during the times that my country face. Like terrorist attacks and suicide bombings aren't enough, these days there has been a "military coup attempt" in my country. People are crazy, killing each other, you hear jet planes above your house and sonic blasts that break glasses. And the crowds on the streets, religious authorities calling people to the streets to stand in front of the tanks for God's sake. Even right now when I'm writing this there is a call from the "minaret" calling people to the streets. Here I am, at home for two days, just thinking, remembering Leo and trying to stay cheerful but something happening on the street, a message from friends or comments from family members bring me back to the reality and what a sh****y world we live in. It's like a glimpse of war, and very hard to stay hopeful. What are your insights on this? How can one find a state of mind that is not affected by the social crisis that is going on?

Hi, I'm new here. I found out about this after coming across some videos on Youtube. This has really hit home with me. I feel like I'm at rock bottom. I spend my days breaking promises to myself that I'm going to turn my life around. I have struggled with journaling, typing, writing etc my entire life. I'm more than 100 pounds overweight and off work because of it. I was in a 12 step program for 11 years and relapsed about a year ago. now I spend my days smoking pot and worrying about world events. I'm extremely irresponsible with especially with money and paying bills. I recently sold the house I inherited from my father that I let get run down because I couldn't take care of it and moved to a brand new place that is farther away from family and I'm blowing the money I have left foolishly. I have a great idea for my career but I have stopped working on it completely even though my family completely depends upon me because I am the sole-provider. There has been a several deaths in my family, including my youngest sister's suicide a couple months ago. My childhood included physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse. Now, I find myself often in rages and yelling and lecturing my wife, my son and step son with long-winded guilt trips and anger outbursts. My poor habits have affected my wife. She has bipolar and has gained weight too.. It isn't always like this. We do have some good times together and are very much in love. But I have cheated and she knows. I also struggle with pornography but for the most part have lost interest in sex because I feel unattractive. I also have ADD and have just started back up on my prescription although I have never had a period in my life in which I have been able to get myself to take medications properly. I don't really have any friends and I don't really seem to want any. On the outside it seems I have my life together and I am a good father and provide everything he needs and spend good quality time with him, but inside I feel like a bad person, and worse, I feel like a terrible father and husband. I just don't know where to start.

@zasa joey I have been in situation like you. It is rather deep shit and it will not bee easy to get out of it. It will be hard and scary, but I doubt that there is easy way. I remember sitting, trembling with fear and wishing I was dead. But there were two fears for me: 1) fear of what I think I should do, 2) fear of my torturer (friends in your your case) . These two fears squeezed me from opposite sides and I have no escape. Then (when these two fears seemed to crash me like vice) I confronted smallest of them (fear to do what I thought I should do). And I went through this fear and saw that it was empty air. Nothing. My imagination. Bullshit. But this was my other fear that forced me to go through that thin air. I wouldn't be able to do this without help of fear from my torturer. People like me (and probably you) are not able to do the necessary job without inducement. Imagine that your friends would treat you with love, sympathy, acceptance. You would happily live further in your shit and blame everything and everyone for your situation. Your friends are such assholes with a reason. I don't recommend to kill them Look at what you know you should do but are afraid to do. Go through that fear. Or wait until your friends will push you through this (as I've done). And then you will say "thank you" to them. I don't know if meditation will help you. For me meditation showed what an asshole I am (I thought I am nice guy) and in what deep shit I am sitting. One of my best friends tried meditation and committed suicide after seeing what horror is inside him. Take care !

As always. In our interplay she dominates me & controls my emotions. I lose my complete autonomy. She gives me a panic attack. I feel near deathly. I went a good 8 months of no contact. We had a civil relationship for last few months that just climaxed last night in an ugly phone confrontation. it was awful. I feel as if someone just took my life force out me. & sucked my prana from me. She always controls my emotions --- I thought I'd passed this moment in my life. But I haven't. She's still able to completely make me feel the lowest I could possibly feel on earth. It's power in giving to her consciously. But not by my own permission. I don't want to feel the panic & the pain. But it's surging through me uncontrollably in this morning. Bc last nite. I think I just committed spiritual suicide out of self hatred.

I feel like the squirrel who didn't gather nuts for the winter right now. I also reverted to bad habits like in giant collapse backwards. Id lost 30lbs. Now getting heavier. Quit smoking. Began up again. Made new friends & was social & self loving. Now I'm isolating Im in a hole my finances are in hole My reputation feels like a sack of bricks it's not just the politics like I said That's just another outlet like smoking that averts my attention to my emotions I meditated today all day. But I continuously cried. It uplifted so much trauma. So much trauma. I meditated all day. I I still feel like my root chakra is unaligned. In fact. My only open chakras are the heart & third eye & crown. Everything else is is closed off. I I spoke to my ex today. We mended some things. I cried a little bit more realizing how much I really missed being in love & in a relationship. & knowing we'll never be the same. I don't want her back. But ut the pain is so deep. Its ran a core trauma wound from childhood. A family suicide. An abusive parent. On/off troubles with recreational drug use. In my end. Which I stopped. I wouldn't say I'm addict but a habitual avoider of my own pain & emotions