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So I rent a room in this house now. There is only one person staying in the same building to look after the place. He apparently like talking to me and taking every opportunity. Yesterday we've been talking in the kitchen while I was cooking and somehow we went onto his story when he had a surgery and he had his third heart stroke. He said that things became black and white and for a few seconds he was watching on that machine his heart beat turned into this straight line... And he suddenly felt s lot of bliss and became very peaceful. Welcome home, I thought. Another story. Yesterday I felt really wrong somehow I couldn't get up in the morning and also I couldn't focus and generally do anything. I went for a walk to meditate in the forest nearby which is noisy anyway. But on the way there was this dog really unfriendly and even attacky towards me. I have been just standing there watching him running around me and his owner couldn't take control of him. He said it's first time he behave like this. Must be something in me, I've replied. And indeed very different experience with the dog compared to my previous one when all I felt was love and peace.

There had been a strong craving for this one boy from past one month. But the boy seemed cool with and without distance. And when there was negligence it was killing me. For the first time I felt of full submission to someone, even a touch of him will make my whole body full of acetylcholine and dopamine. And he too admitted things like me being one in million and I m his very own Sun. Moment seem to cease with him, world use to shut dwn and the feeling of being one without constraints was realized and then followed...let me use the term "bliss". But all of a sudden due to some constraints he start ignoring me as if never heard of me. And my heart start feeling heavy and a constant pain was there. So rather than going into darkness of victim state I started asking positive questions. I asked myself, pain was for what, he being neglecting me or loosing him. Turns out to be both and former being more. I cried out most of the time and flushed my whole energy out on craving. I texted him like anything and told him how helpless I was feeling. I used to watch some inspirational vedioes and get fresh energetic but Bam with one picture of him all knowledge get swayed away and again craving. But following points made me out of this situation forever?: 1. Start looking for Self Love as mentioned by our Leo. Truely saying I raised my hand and asked universe to help me, mentioning how I m born and got every vitality because of this unknown natural force. And that we are the Source. We human are such a natural manifestor. Claririty start manifesting inside me. 2. Let all you have be out in the most elaborated form. Dont keep it to just yourself let your lover know this. It will slowly help in either realize your energy worth better or make him/her realize what he has done or what he gonna miss in life. 3. Somehow make communication with him and get things clear, i.e. concious uncoupling. 4. Rather than isolating yourself forever after a while of crying and shouting and long silence get in touch with friends you like to hang with. 5. Spend some lone time with yourself. And try to be observer. Meditate. Initially it may kill you more but magically it will take over...have faith. 6. Start taking care of yourself more than ever, exercise or long jogging are great. Guys, finally that pain is out of my heart and I m feeling so free... And the best part begin...not only He started communicating back but almost every corner is bouncing with amazing people and above all I feel myself no string attached situation and at the same time grounded. Cheers to life...cheers to SELF Love.

@Alex bliss Do you know you are you?

@Consilience @Alex bliss It is like if an actor is breaking the 4th wall during a film... Like imagine if Leonardo DiCaprio were to say this line in Inception where he would be speaking as his character Cob : "I remember when I was on the Titanic ship in my past life... My name was Jack" Imagination: from Cob's POV in the inception world time-line. Cob is only Cob. Real: from Leonard DiCaprio's POV. Leo was Jack in Titanic and is Cob in Inception. The POV where we look from determines if it's real or imaginary. Since both POVs are available and valid simultaneously it is both real and imagination, simultaneously.

@Serotoninluv I thought 5 meo dmt was not addictive. It is interesting that other psychedelics don't produce this craving. Maybe Dilaudid created a form of attachment to this profound mental state and when 5 meo-dmt at low levels reduced craving to a similar level, the mind has reacted with addictive behaviour, as occured with dilaudid. Maybe this can be one of the reasons why 5 meo was addicting to you? I can definitely get a sense of what you are talking about. Serenity, blissful joy, equanimity in the present moment. I'm pretty sure this is 1000 times deeper and more intense with Dilaudid, but meditative joy gets you these elements as well. Even though they are not on full awakening and nirvana levels of ecstasy, once they dominate consciousness on mid-levels, all negative states of minds go away and craving is radically reduced. The bliss is not subtle and is present in consciousness effortlessly with stability on significant levels. This also enables you to interact with people and do demanding tasks. You constantly walk with a smile on your face effortlessly. But I'm only a meditator with a few years of experience. I'm pretty sure a meditator who has spent decades of time with meditative joy can run with it, deepen it and get it to legit morphine levels with profound equanimity consistently. But we are only talking about the emotional aspects of this path. 5 meo gives you many more insights besides ecstatic emotions and unconditional happiness. Thank you for the comparison though

@Alex bliss amen <3

@Alex bliss There is a knowing that is a different type of knowing than your ego recognizing information. Sometimes it can be confusing and the ego takes ownership and makes things up just to make itself more interesting... to be a spiritual ego. But with that type of knowing, you just know, once you experience it you cannot doubt it. It's an inner, intuitive type of knowing, not a logical conclusion or a rationalization of any kind.

I have extreme sensitivity to psychedelics and I noticed after several satori experiences which were all with LSD and ALD-52 that I do not seem to have as much visuals when I take these substances like I did years ago. Like I recall LSD having more of a pronounced visual expression whereas now it is more clarity and more lucid than before. I have also been meditating and delving into the works by Chogyam Trungpa, Dilgo Khyentse, Gurdjieff, Taoist masters, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramakrishna, Nityananda, etc. There was one LSD trip in particular from like two years ago where I only took 3/4 of a tab and tab was not crazy in dosage but I had the most pronounced satori experience and I left my body(it was very difficult/impossible to remember this "peak" of the trip more so that anything else I have ever gotten into from psychedelics) and think I glimpsed the clear white light or some astral analogue of it I don't know. It was such a "feelling" of no reference and pure bliss/being at home and like everything existed simultaneously and like the heaven of heavens. Intuitively right when I came out of it I felt that this must be what enlightenment is or is a bit further up the continuum than what I glimpsed. I recall somewhat having spherical vision(It was like I was not seeing with my physical eyes and I remember Yogananda mentioning this feature to cosmic consciousness when Sri Yuktweswar granted him the glimpse in the book about the notion of spherical vision?). I don't have really anyone to speak about this with. Leo, would like to hear from you about this One of the "warnings" the Buddha gave was about not getting caught in the jhana states. The higher jhanas are sort of astral analogues of nonduality/enlightenment/omniscience/etc. I remember Ram Dass going into this on his latest Be Here Now podcast Here and Now episode recently posted called "asral fun" I think. So psychedelics are jhanic experiences in the vast majority of cases it seems

14-Day Dark Room Retreat On the first night, I entered around 7 pm and after getting comfortable with the space blew out the candle. Darkness. I will struggle to talk about how long I did anything for as I lost a clear sense of duration or time passing. I managed to maintain a day/night cycle though. My primary practice was contemplation, after a while of focused contemplation (and particularly in the second week) I found the contemplation fading away into meditation. The not-knowing became natural and blissful. I could sit effortlessly in love or fulfilment for hours. Generally, after a period of bliss, love, or samadhi I would experience mini ego-backlashes of fantasising and boredom. I found myself accepting this after a while. Expansion... and now I'm a person again. My fantasies got strange. I started dreaming of work, success, and business. Thinking about the intricacies of burgers. Childhood memories of certain places and foods. Food was a big one this time around. I would often realise I'm doing this and it's all occurring in my mind. It's imagination, not real, it's not actually here and I'm the one doing it. On day one I got hit with all of my hallucinations. I slept a little during day one, after that it became hard to sleep so I just had to keep contemplating through the night since there was nothing else I could do and if I lied down I would be more likely to fall into fantasising. I had hallucinations of a friend sitting on my bed, I could see him clearly. I hallucinated leaving the room, going outside and speaking with people. I realised this was a dream and started speaking with people conscious of this. I started being able to see the room as clear as day, without light. I was hallucinating this. I experiencing the room turning into an orchestral symphony, and realised I was composing an entire song unconsciously with my mind. Lyrics and all, like I was listening to it through stereo headphones. I did not do this for the hallucinations, I had come for the Truth. From day two onwards, there were no more of these. The first 5 or 6 days weren't too tough if I recall correctly. Days 6 - 8 were the hardest, knowing I had another week to go. On day 8, I got a nice hit of effortless sitting, bliss, love. This was a confirmation of trust and surrender for me. I could feel presence giving me the consciousness, almost whispering to me: I'm always here, just trust, you really think I would ever do anything but love you. The second week my contemplation got more fluid. I started contemplating: What is invention What is mind What is innovation What is technology What is love What is eternity What is reality What am I What is life What is self What is another What is death I'm experimenting with my contemplation style. I had just worked on a single question for 2 weeks in a Contemplation Intensive. This time I would switch a lot more. I also found that I was by far the most conscious in the early afternoons through evenings. And felt the least conscious shortly after waking up. I also made some new distinctions in my experience based on Ralston's consciousness work. I didn't lose myself in Nothing/Love/Truth. I expanded my sense of self, purged some resistance. I didn't have what I consider a full non-dual awakening. But I can be lightly conscious of God, perhaps somewhere between catching and taming the ox (or maybe not, just my intepretation). When I departed I didn't know what to expect. I felt pretty normal in the darkroom, sober and not all that conscious at that moment an hour or so after waking up. I opened the door at sunrise. I took a few steps and then had to sit down because I was so conscious, so high, I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk more than a few steps without losing my balance. Reality was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, colours, form, sound. Life. I could feel myself in the plants, I marvelled at my hands, how amazing it all is. It was divine, I had no idea I was this high in there. It was stronger than any acid trip I'd ever done, barring a 600ug trip. It was akin to a light 5-MeO microdose. And, it can't be compared. There is an unfathomable beauty in being that conscious and being completely sober. It feels so right, that reality is actually this good, actually, not with anything else needing to be there. I have some signs when I'm going deeper, guidances. The presence of a dog, or what I can only describe as guiding Sam-energy. Within seconds of stepping out, a beautiful dog came and sat with me. There was a love between us, he licked me, I stroked him. I did a meditation that morning, and then stood in the sun. The sun was a warm loving bliss. I'd never appreciated the sun this much in my life. I've come down a bit since then. I can still see God in the trees if I focus. My baseline has been significantly upped. I was offered a little weed a few days after getting out. I had a very small amount and it was perhaps the most insightful and blissful yet intense experiences with weed. I feel so much more purified now as well, I can sit with people in a deep not-knowing without much fear, letting myself be authentic without much fear. I will keep becoming more God, truly appreciate life and reality more fully, what I am. Live in not-knowing and no-mind. I am able to be more comfortable operating in no-mind now, there is less fear in me and more trust. It didn't solve everything. I'm still worried about survival concerns, what to make my career out of, to pursue business or spirituality. I struggle with this one a lot. I still get sadness and existential emptiness at times. The journey has only just begun. Peter Ralston Fall Series I did the entire fall series workshop, ending in a 2-week long contemplation intensive. This is (I believe), the only time that a 2 weeker has been offered at the Cheng Hsin centre. It was perfect, I would have struggled much more with the darkroom had I not just done this. The consciousness work itself was great, Brendan Lea was our primary facilitator. I had concerns about the work not being led by Ralton, but they were completely unfounded. Brendan was great to work with, and it was work. It wasn't easy, long days and deep work. I didn't grasp a lot, of course. The seeds were planted and my ability to do consciousness work effectively has increased. My only suggestion to those intending to do it, expect to also NEED to get the audio courses and eCourses afterwards. There is too much and it goes fast, you won't get it all and will need to do the work ongoing. This consciousness work is pretty advanced, so I wouldn't go to the centre without some prior consciousness. Just a little bit should be fine, who knows, go and see for yourself I guess. I wasn't a big fan of the Enlightenment Intensive format. I feel I can go deeper by myself, without a partner. The partner is there to help focus and not get so lost in fantasy. I definitely get lost in daydreaming or losing the question when I'm alone, it's more fluid. If reality starts to feel beautiful, I go into the beauty for a bit. The CI was not like this. There is an appreciation for life that I have when getting out of these intensives. It is so beautiful, so entertaining. It's hard to imagine a better place to spend my time, I'm so happy to have this life to deepen consciousness. Learn and grow. Please ask me about the experience, I would love to answer any questions or help clarify my experience with Ralston, Brendan and the Cheng Hsin centre or the darkroom. ❤️Thank you, much love, and I wish all of you courage and determination on your own journeys. It's worth it. ❤️

For me, the dosage of 5-meo stimulates different flavors of trips. I'm comparing a relatively low 5-meo dose to dilaudid below. My trips with dilaudid was when I was in a hospital with a kidney stone. The first was the most profound. The nurse didn't drip through an IV - she shot it into me all at once. There was a wave that overtook me and I was like "Whoa. . . what was that?". . . I immediately loved it. And not just for the cessation of physical pain. Everything was ok. No problems, no worries. No nothing. There was pure bliss in the moment. There was no place in the world I would have rather been than that hospital room. It was like taking a trip to Bora Bora and being on the beach getting a massage. Yet even better. The energy was peace, bliss and love. Time stopped. It was deeper than a simple feel-good pleasure. There was an essence of bliss, peace, love and Now. A few years later, I tried 5-meo for the first time - a low/moderate dose. After reading reports online, I had some anxiety about the impending ego death. Yet it wasn't like that at all. There was a little bit of resistance and letting go. Then there was a surreal peace, bliss, love and connection,. It was very different than any psychedelic trip I've had. It reminded me more of the dilaudid trip years ago. I thought "That's what heroin is like" (even though I've never done heroin). Then I got online and started reading about people's experience with 5-meo and heroin. There are actually forums with people talking about 5-meo and heroin trips that were using 5-meo in the same context of heroin. I understood. . . . Later, I watched a documentary on Janis Joplin and all her turmoils. There was a part about her addiction to heroin and how it was the only thing that could get her to "that place". I felt like I knew that place Janis went to. I would say there are similarities at low/moderate 5-meo doses. There is a presence of being absolutely ok in the present moment that is a form of bliss. Its hard for me to describe this essence of Now-ness. . . Differences: there was zero resistance, anxiety or discomfort with dilaudid. It was pure wonderful. As well, there were cravings afterward for more. Even after one exposure, my body wanted more and my mind was scheming to get more. My mind thought maybe I could convince them to give me a dilaudid prescription. And I was willing to pretend my symptoms were worse to get a script (I didn't get one). I think there is very high risk of dependency and addiction with dilaudid. With 5-meo, there was also a mind-body craving that I never experienced with psychedelics. This gave me concern. Yet the craving wasn't as intense as with dilaudid. I think because 5-meo wasn't quite the same type of bliss. 5-meo also a bit of physical and mental discomfort with it during the comeup.

@Serotoninluv The deep all encompassing happiness is what i'm after. Not necessarily the peak experience of joy, bliss etc. I think of it like if you could go meta and observe your life from somewhere else, is the totality of your experience happiness. Are you living a good life? Of course if you are mid yoga and your body is throbbing you may not be "happy", but this all part of your happy life. I don't like going into theory too much because i feel like the truth i'm seeking is the opposite of theory, i guess i'm just hoping someone will say something that clicks and produces a change in me. But i just gotta keep going.

To me, it seems like this is beginning to transcend "suffering". In addition to inquiring "who is the one who suffers?", one could inquire "what is suffering?". Without a "one who suffers" is there suffering? A big part of inquiry for me is allowing empty space and observing what arises. When I am actually suffering, what is it? What the heck is the substance of suffering in my direct experience? What you wrote about re-directing attention can lead to insights, ime. It is taking the view of an observer. When there is observation, what is revealed? When my mind and body is experiencing suffering, what does a detached observer view? One dynamic is a very strong desire not to be experiencing what is being experience Now. That isn't necessarily a "bad" thing, yet it is a dynamic. There is a strong desire to not be Now-ing in the Now-ness of Now. A desire to make it stop, a desire to change it, a desire for relief. This can manifest in many ways. The mind-body may feel anxiety. It may want escape. It may lash out at others. Ime, it is extremely difficult to enter a transcendent awareness of Now when the mind-body is in suffer-mode. The last thing my mind-body desires is Being Now. . . Yet if one can access it, there is a very deep realization of absolute Peace. Unconditional Peace. It's deeply profound, yet super hard to access ime. My mind-body is more oriented toward conventional feel-good peace. The type of peace that comes when the body is relaxed, feeling bliss and loving now. Thats an awesome space, yet that is a conditional peace that is dependent on circumstances.

Dude, you don't need to block her or disable your instagram. Just hide her profile from your feed, stop seeing his story, just close your eyes. Ignorance is bliss, the less you know the better. If you keep to pay too much attention you are just going to get hurt, nothing good will come out of that. And if you really "consciously let go of the girl I loved" you wouldn't be making this thread. You really let her go when you close your eyes and stop watching. If you don't do this, you'll just knock your head against the wall until you start to hate her and things get really ugly without no turning back. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

I have done psychedelics, mostly LSD and mushrooms but I never had the full blown different realm sort of experiences like on mushrooms or N,N-DMT. I seem orientated into having satori/non duality experiences and the satori feature to my LSD trips has only become more prominent from doing meditation. I am curious about the disembodied astral worlds that people speak of. These things are higher orders of samsaric experience but certain traditions like Tibetan buddhism make use of them because you can loosen your attachment/hang ups on the physical plane but going into these other planes. However, they can be huge traps and distraction from following this through to the Ultimate/liberation because these realms can be filled with such light and bliss and far outness. I am asking about these things but they don't seem to really examined by most people who do psychedelics or it turns into some sort of logic/philosophy thing. And the people who really know these things, yogis/lamas/zen masters/etc will not speak of them openly nor in public. Zen has almost no concern for anything short of the ultimate which differs from the Tibetan tradition which makes use of the visionary realms in the continuum as a means for attaining liberation also

I've taken dilaudid twice. Dilaudid is the strongest opiod and similar to heroine. Ime, dilaudid was a mystical experience of bliss (even in a hospital setting). Yet it is extremely addictive.

@Harikrishnan No of course not, because that isn't everyday reality lol. This is kinda the issue with psyches you can get caught up in states and bliss instead of realizing this is it, this very moment is it.

@Alex bliss No need to give up your desires. They will fall away by themselves once you realized what you are.

@Alex bliss Your flooding the forum with mental masturbation and inviting others to join you.

@Alex bliss Do at least a bit of work in your threads. Express your distinctions, a “here’s where I’m at with this”, in hopes they may be uncovered & unified. Otherwise, you prime yourself to add more, to believe the distinctions of others, to unfortunately, increase your suffering.

@erik8lrl Absolute Love --- isness itself Need more awakenings around here to Absolute Love. When you actually become it (you already are of course but in it's purest form) you're body will shake and tremble with uncontrollable bliss and Love as the essence of your Being fills you completely to where you implode with Divine Love :❤

In my experience, seriousness arises from incomplete knowledge. Why did I underline "incomplete"? Because to have all the knowledge (you are fully aware) means to be enlightened. And to have almost zero knowledge means to be completely ignorant. "Ignorance is bliss.", they say. It's the journey from knowing to not-knowing (even in reverse if you will) where all the seriousness arises. There is no enlightenment really, because reality is infinite and always changing, so we aren't capable of knowing/learning/being aware of everything. However, the more knowledge one acquires, the closer they are to enlightenment. The only difference between enlightenment and ignorance is that ignorance stems from spiritual bypassing, i.e. something like: "problems only exist when you think of them", "there is nothing but direct experience", "your car doesn't exist unless you look at it", etc... While enlightenment stems from observing reality, through mediation, and through those 'spiritual bypassing' lenses as well as through anything else. However, there's nothing wrong with being serious. I think that it's a requirement for a healthy growth. I like to think of it as a spectrum of seriousness vs. non-seriousness. One should not attach themselves to one side of the spectrum. Just my mind monkeying around.

Sorry in advance for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my native language Okay so... It's been about an hour+ since I took 25mg DPT(plugged) I'm feeling really happy I must say. Generally it reminded me a lot of 5meo which I tried yesterday for the first time. But I felt it more gentle that 5meo(same dosage) Maybe because I knew what to expect kind of... Only thoughts in my mind right now are that I love my life sooooo much. Like soooo much. And old school trance music. Probably not exactly what I should be doing right now. But this music calmed be down so much, I feel literally in a state of bliss. Music with headphones on psychedelics is really something...and this uplifting music, I'm feeling so alive, such a weird dejavu feeling. It's also really nice that I can type with no problem right now. Random facts about yesterdays 5MeoDMT experience: I was having the most random thoughts possible, non stop until I got a feeling that I was losing my body and then I just fell asleep and woke up about 10 hours later, one of the deepest sleeps I had. In the beginning all I was thinking was "this is nuuuts" haha I can definitely see how "death" can happen on higher dosages. Random thoughts also are that I just wish I had company for all this experiences, It's hard to find like minded people my age(I'm turning 22 12th January) that are interested in spirituality awareness psychedelics etc... Much love to everyone <3 Listened on repeat for almost an hour https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM2dsZf1oKg

@Surfingthewave I think i'm expecting a certain level of bliss and happiness from my meditation. So when i sit and down and meditate, I can recognize that i'm not there so i guess that disturbs me. There is also just a physical sensation or feeling that my mind uses as evidence of my non-enlightenment/ non-happening.

What comes to mind for me is “Being Now” I often notice my mind a try to manipulate an environment to achieve a result. I may manipulate a “meditation environment” to achieve some state - no-self, attention, peace, insights, bliss, relaxation. This has it’s benefits, yet also it’s downside because this orients meditation. Orientation isn’t necessarily bad. If I want to travel to Mexico, I better orient myself south. Yet with orientation comes a price. . . Some of my best meditations are spontaneous. Just me sitting on my couch staring at the window and just Being Now. No bells or whistles. Just Now-ness.

@Average Investor At your end, it will lead to emotions, and some outpouring & healing... as a starting place here..this is what stands out to me. (Also, not to feed into the story but...you might wanna get a good night’s sleep before reading this.) The separate self only exists in thought. It is perpetuated and kept “alive”, only in the nuances of our thinking. In thought alone, there is an idea of me, which is believed to be me, and feeling will never align with this belief as the idea of me, is of the past, and feeling is only now, and is of the true self. It’s important to make the distinction between when one is unconscious, and conscious. Not unconscious as in sleeping, or passed out. We can walk, talk, live, and even somewhat thrive - completely unconscious. Again, it’ll “open some wounds”, but that is the beginning of the deeper healing desired. When we feel a way we would not choose to feel, we are unconscious. No one would consciously choose to feel ‘not good’, so when one does, one can deduce one is actually unconscious. When the suppressed feelings come up, either they are allowed to arise and pass through, or thinking is utilized to construct a thought story of the emotion. The thought story will have “the separate self” in it (thoughts of you), and will transpire in the past or future. There will always be another person in the thought story. Here is the critical difference. You’ve got to catch the mind assigning the feeling, in anyway whatsoever, to the past, future, and or other person. In this way we can remain present, and then the emotion empties out freely. That can be rough, but there is soon a very deep, yet very subtle sense of peace present. From then on the purification is easier in terms of feeling / relief / release (though it still looks rough as heel to any onlookers). Who do you believe has depersonalization disorder? You must believe you are an individual, a human, the one who has a “disorder”, etc. Maybe they are one and the same. The “disorder”, and the “separate self” are never actually seen or found, but kept going via the patterns of thinking dancing around this fact. If you look for, or try to go to the “disorder”, or “the separate self” - it can feel scary - but it results in relief, because neither can ever be found. But one must look, with the genuine desire & intent to find. This is “facing the fear”, resulting in the visceral realizing there is none. Have you practiced writing, journaling, and scrutinizing your writing, marking the nouns / pronouns, etc? When it’s in front of the eyes, the mind can ”identify“ the separate self as only in the words, and the realization then happens. There is an epiphany that sounds sort of like “holy cow..I’ve literally been speaking & writing about a second self, as if I was not the one speaking & writing”. This is the ‘getting down to it’, meeting the mind at it’s incredible sneakiness. Notice, there is an assumption that there is a difference. This is in and of itself a protective barrier. Because there is no separate self, there is no disorder - therefore, there also is no difference that could ever be found. The level of scrutiny required is highly detail oriented. The word “it” is being used as a write off - notice there is not an “it” at all, but notice how this slips right by us in our speaking / writing, and this reveals the slipping by in our thinking. “My ego” is a write off. There’s no such thing as an ego. Supporting that there is, in thought, speaking, writing...is how this situation is perpetuated and kept going. It’s that sneaky. That single action, or rather, unchecked action, of thought - is this.. “The Devil”. It’s been sneakin people for thousands of years, the majority of the population is deeply under “it’s” spell. But the separate self, the write off, the devil, the disorder, and the idea of me - do not exist as entities, or even as any thing anywhere in the world, but in your thoughts. I would wake up every morning and outright admit, “I am the sneakiest entity which has ever, ever, existed”, and then meditate. It is common for a couple weeks of meditation to be pleasant and relaxing. One is stating in an unspoken manor - “I am done with this suffering, I am done being a separate self, I’m slowing down and doing something about this”. And adopts the practice of meditation. The body response in kind, “Well fuck ya man, let’s do this thing. Here comes all the shit you innocently shoved down up in this place, it’s coming out and we’re healing, let’s rock this.”......and thought says “yeah right, I don’t think so. We’ll make this about someone else, somewhere else, and or some other time...and we’ll label the feeling of the whole charade....”bad”. And that’s the end of that. Instead, to expedite this, try daily practices like yoga, and anything oriented towards ‘moving awareness’ through out the body. This results in a ‘safe’ inner body reassurance, and a reconnecting with now, feeling - presence. The theme is sneakery. States of consciousness - “ I “ - was “ in “. I understand the semantics, and again I don’t mean any personal offense. Consciousness is absolute fundamental. There can never be a “you” which is “in” a state of consciousness. This is the thinking which perpetuates the belief that there is a separate self. It happens ‘right under our noses’, in thinking. Also, the reference is a comparison to what would ‘normally occur with depersonalization’ which does not exist whatsoever. There is not a “you” which was a person, and is “becoming” not a person. There is no separate self which is “depersonalizing”. That is entirely, only, a thought story. The separate self (thought) supports the disorder (another thought). Claiming (just a thought) the disorder (just a thought) perpetuates the separate self (just a thought) who has “it” (just a thought). It is not uncommon for experiences to ‘get one half way there’, and critical scrutiny to ‘bring us home’. An obstacle comes to mind -“but everyone, Nahm, Leo - everyone - talks in this same way - “me”, “I”, “you”, etc.” It has to be acknowledge & realized, that difference between relative linguistic communication, and the clarity of the actuality within, by one. A good feeling is a good feeling, and I’m not at all knocking that. However, this also jumps out at me. There is a thought pattern at play, which supports the separate self, in the perspective it is good to separate from the body. I would suggest seeking in the opposite direction, detaching from the believing of thoughts, and going into the feeling in the body. “Anxious” is a write off. It’s a very popular one, but it is a write off. In removing the write off, the label or term - one is then forced to see what the feeling actually is. The true I has is never “anxious”. The true I is the unconditional love, which is being suppressed, by choosing the thinking instead of the feeling of the message. It is slippery sneaky, but these are the nuances in thought to uncover, to root out the separate self. “I am _________” is the most profound life experience shaping thought / words that could ever be uttered. The true self is not identifiable, only know to itself. I would pause indefinitely before finishing that statement, and allow it to be lost into silence, the true I am. Being, is a reference which gets confused. The “experience” of being, is not like “unbelievably relaxed”, nor “profound peacefulness”. Being, is literally an infinite being knowing only, itself. When the chair is you as much as “you” are “you”, being is known, and only Being is known, there is no chair anymore, there is literally no self anymore. No notions of a self, no inclination, no belief there is a self, nor any beliefs that there ever was a self. One can not be experience, as this is sneakery at play, supporting & perpetuating that there is this “separate one” who could be something (experience). Not to mention, the self referential thought, “I think”. (Pointing out nuances in the name of helpfulness here ??) There is not an I which possesses an ego. Again, there’s no such thing as separation, a separate being / entity, or an ego. “Matter” arises appearing as “objects” of infinite being, pure potentiality, and never isn’t infinite being. In truth, “objects” never even “appear” as separate objects. A thought that a thing is separate arises, and is believed...and be indirect default, there is the belief I am also a separate object - separate from the “object” I am believing is separate. The “objects” body, perception, thought, and sensation, all arise simultaneously with what gets referred to as, “objects”. There is no separation in any of this. Thought is known, a separate “object” - thought - is never known. Perception is known. A separate “object” “perceived” is never known. Sensation is known. A separate “object” “sensed”, is never known. In science terms...if there seems to be a “hard problem of science”, a difficulty in finding the answer of how the quantum world meets the atomic world, the answer is there is no you. “You” are the “reason” there seems to be (but isn’t) a “hard problem of science”. It is because the entirety, every “thing” that could be named in direct experience, arises simultaneously - combined with the belief “I am a separate self”, that there seems to be this problem. One of, perhaps the greatest tool of sneakery, is time. Time does not exist. There is not actually “7 years of depersonalization”. What there actually is, is a belief right now, in seven years of depersonalization. This is how the separate self, the ego, and the “disorder” “stays alive”, how it is perpetuated. It is no more than a story being retold, reinforced, re-believed, again and again, right under our noses. Really take a minute and contemplate - there is no past. Nothing “happened”. There is no future “coming”. These are just thoughts. Feel the truth in this. Feel the liberation in this. You are not bound by a damn thing. Nothing. It will never feel good to believe you are, to think you are, to write that you are, to hear that you are, or to speak that you are. This is the deeper meaning, the true wisdom of these very symbols...???. To sin, is to speak ill against The Self. You are That True Self. To repeat ill against The Self, is to believe one is ill, and to sustain that belief. Likewise, this symbol...♥️...is profound and wise. What arises to the top, is duality, twoness - all thinking is such. What this symbol points to, downward, is where this love comes from, but as the symbol reflects, it can only be pointed to, never symbolized. The om symbol (not emoji available ironically) points to the fact, that what the heart points to, can not be named or spoken. Symbols are important to grasp, as they undercut words, and reveal that all words are too, symbols. Not feeling fucking awesome is not something to be considered normal or managed.It is not something to ‘get used to’. It is something to be inspected and released. Right now is all there is. Look around, smell, feel, breath, hear. That’s it man. That’s “everything”. That’s infinity. That is it. Notice how sneaky thinking is, so easily slipping into a “past” and using it to justify it’s own leaving of the now. This is the sneakery which perpetuates the story of the separate self, the “one” who is “moving through time”. You are the infinity, the entirety - you are not the body, or the person, in the story of time. You are the time. That’s a good sign, and I would hone in on it. Why doesn’t it feel good typing that story? I suggest it’s because none of it is true...because you are the Truth. Enlightenment is much more pleasant, but why is that? Probe deeper. Enlightenment = the actuality of unconditional love, infinite being - the true you. When we are threatened, abused, etc, we block the feelings, to protect our true self, the inner being. This was never needed, but of course nobody could be expected at present, to know or understand this, especially given an environment of people who are very far from wisdom. There is a yin to all yangs though, and it is you, rising like an ignorance crushing Pheonix out of all this, and paying it forward so other to come will benefit from the wars you survived. This is your Shaktipat, your opportunity to know and live the greatest love, the selfless giving of your love. The more you give, the more you embody. Everybody “wins”. This is the supreme existence incarnate. This is where you’re headed, the greatest height of life, what you have been through, and that you come out of it a renewed and yet untouched pristine love, will speak volumes in presence. Notice the relationship between inspecting the nuances of the thoughts in words, and never actually needing any to convey what is real. Thought searches to no end, never finding feeling. Feeling, reconnection, extinguishes the “apparent needs” of thought, and it ceases. Focus, concentration, attention, sky rocket naturally, like a cork released from being held underwater. Also, this is a very contemporary perspective. Enlightenment is not sought, attained, and correcting of feeling. Thought is properly inspected, emotion is cathartically releases - and the end “result”, is enlightenment. When it does “occur”, it will take at least a year to even connect the dots, that this was that thing you referenced. It is that profound. So don’t imagine it. Stay true to yourself, to feeling great, to inspecting and releasing. This, even more so. Infinity is unmistakable, earth, life, space, time, shattering. Unspeakable, ineffable. Blow that up! Expand it. Go try some new to you healing modalities. Make dream board, and dream the impossible life - and actually live it. Someone does not notice you have a disorder, because you do not have a disorder. There is nothing wrong with you, sans the belief itself, that something is “wrong” with you. The “prolonged feeling of detachment” is only from feelings. It is through feeling, sensation, love - that all is connected - that all is One. You are The One. “Ego & identity” are not present. Thought to that tune are still being believed, so it seems so. It is like holding a filter at the end of a flashlight, it skews all that is seen on the wall. Thoughts, are “on the wall”. Don’t believe what is thought or seen, inspect the flashlight. Notice the sneakery at play. Again, it seems semantically, but their is no such thing as “my awareness’. This is like a cell phone claiming “my wifi”. The wifi is the wifi. You are awareness. Scrutiny your direct experience, and notice you can never find this “sense” “awareness”. It brings to mind the example of that there is no nonexistance, nor is there such a thing or state as nonawareness. If you imagine someone claiming that there is, you could ask them - what was then present, to make such a claim. Surely, only in being aware of “nonexistence” or “nonawareness” could someone make such a claim. But in making the claim, they reveal they were aware, they existed. Inspect that to complete satisfaction - and there is enlightenment. Hold it in a future thought story, and such a “future”, of course, never “comes”. This is where it all heads to...ultimately the beliefs and perpetuation in them sustains the veiling, the living in thought as “a separate self”, which one day dies. But death is a belief, again, a popular one, but a belief in total nonetheless. (Watch Leo’s death video if you haven’t, it’s phenomenal) Death is Actual You - Unconditional Love. Do you see the correlation yet? The feeling of bliss on the mountain, which represented the ‘facing of the fear’, of death = cutting away at the stories of the separate self, at it root - at death. ?? Again, I know this is harsh and critical. I hope it is all taken as an offering of love.