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I must say that today has been a tempting day. I felt compelled to think about this one fan fiction work I had previously worked on, and I actually caved in. I still say that my anti-gaming and anti-anime week still stands, for it wasn't severe enough to be considered a backslide. I at least dealt with it, though it did waste almost an hour of my time, since I did end up planning and writing part of it. I can continue to see that my social awkwardness remains essentially unchanged, but that does not mean I will stop tyring. I'll continue to attempt to improve this issue while accepting myself and this problem. Ruminations Sometimes, I look back at this journal and ask myself why my current ideas are so mundane, so repetitive; I remember that I had more varied ideas, but it seems that only a few ideas now enter my mind; however, this may have always happened, and I may have only noticed now. It is interesting to look back at a word which I used to use frequently but have not used for a while. One of these terms is time dilation; a year ago, that term would come up so often, yet I now just remembered that word. At times, it feels like I forgot that word, though if the right situation arose, I would remember it. In a similar respect, the ideas which seem mundane and repetitive at the moment may not seem so in the future, perhaps in the next week. Since I began this journal, I realize how many different ideas I have had and how some now seem foreign to me. Maybe this realization itself may seem unusual in the future. It is always interesting to see what I have written in the past; although I can agree that in terms of my behaviors, I have not changed much, I can at least see how much my attitude on certain ideas and concepts has changed. Yesterday, in my actualized.org journal, I began discussing my opinion on the Fundamental Question. Certainly, the question is important, but looking back at my thoughts yesterday, it seems that the question more serves my ego. It is a question which caused me to simulate conversations with other people. This happens normally, but knowing that this issue increased the frequency of these thoughts, I know that there was another reason why the question appealed to me so much. The appeal of the question likely stems from its universality and the fact that it feels like a good, sophisticated question to ask others. In other words, it likely appealed to me for selfish reasons, as conversation bait with other people. I myself know that I usually do not say the things which come up during my conversation projections, so perhaps this question itself is somewhat toxic. Of course, the question itself is an important one. The problem lies in ensuring that my ego does not use this issue to dwell upon conversations with others or too be so caught up with what I would say to others that I fail to actually live. Knowing this, discussing the issue at least moderately should be fruitful. What question supersedes all else in importance? “Is life worth living, and if it is, how should one live?” The first part of this question is inspired by Albert Camus’ emphasis on the need to deliberate on suicide. Most individuals would agree that life is worth living. Certainly, that is the starting point. One cannot question the proper way to live without first considering whether or not simply dying would be better. The best answer I could see for being pro-life, using this term unconventionally, is that by continuing to live, one can continue to question life and aim at truth. A rational person is one who, given a sufficient reason, would change his or her position on any issue; certainly, one who chooses to die cannot even continue to consider whether his or her positions were correct. Any realization which seems to suggest that life is not worth living could be wrong, and by ending life immediately, these reasons could not be realized. If one decides that life truly is worth living, the second half of the question is much more difficult to resolve. This half is itself twofold: 1.What constitutes the happy life? 2.How should one act in order to be virtuous or at least to master the art of living (for those who see no need for virtue)? Clearly, this question does not have an easy answer( unless one believes that religion suffices, but even then, religion usually does not have a specific answer for living a happy life, although it does outline virtue and the like). I have almost finished Seneca’s 75 letters from his work, Letters from a Stoic. Never have I seen such profound writing concerning the art of living and practical philosophy. Rarely do his letters cover trifling matters, and even his seemingly trifling matters, in which he deliberates upon the meaning of certain words and upon the causes of the universe, are fairly important. It is interesting how often individuals believe that society has worsened or that individuals have become more foolish. From my readings of Seneca, it is evident that little about humanity has changed during the last two millennia. It is typical of people to believe that the herd or the multitude has become more stupid, more prone to error, and less cultures. These individuals believe that recent advancements have led to the loss of important values. However, such a belief has occurred throughout history, in the works of Seneca, and even in that of Aristotle. The multitude, the masses, have for the last two thousand years, continued to be foolish. Individuals under such passion in large groups are certainly prone to more error than individually. It seems that the masses have become less intelligent, yet time and time again, thinkers of the past have also noticed how foolish individuals truly are. Certainly, nearly every individual is foolish; only the enlightened few are truly capable of living without these irrational faults. One cannot expect human reason to be infallible when so many cognitive biases and logical fallacies exist. This realization ties somewhat to politics, for it is how great speakers are able to fool the multitude or a large group of people. If one thing has changed throughout the years, it is that although the multitude has stayed as foolish as it has always been, they are easier to manipulate as a result of advances in knowledge. We know more about ourselves, yet the majority of people are unfortunately unaware of their own psychological biases and fallacies. End of Ruminations That should be enough for now.

when tolle was contemplating suicide his consciousness had a realization, it wasnt enlightenment at that moment, but a realization of something relating to something that was happening right then. at that point he had no idea what enlightenment meant or understood it, but the realization that was occurring began to expand in tolle's consciousness, all that had previously been rooted within his consciousness wasnt resisting this realization and it allowed for this realization to expand within consciousness, that brought change.

@charlie2dogs Ok but, Eckhart Tolle for example had a sudden realisation (according to him) when he was about to commit suicide, he was not aware of what this was on intellectual level and actually researched a while afterwards. For him it was a switch in thinking but he was not aware of what exactly had happened, but didn't care as he was just being. So it literally did happen by accident for him as he wasn't specifically aiming to be enlightened as he didn't even know what that meant

Addiction: 2 days of Pmo Date: 4/20/16 Time: 8:18 PM - 8:54 PM Day #: Day 1 Feelings Felt Psychologically: Distress Feelings Felt Physiologically: Not many feelings Questions You Asked Yourself: Why am I doing this, how will this benefit me, why did I start watching porn and am forcefully yet consciously trying to destruct myself? How Do You Feel After Your Session?: I broke down crying, the porn was just a form of self sabotage, I was trying to destruct myself so I could feel intense feelings of bliss and alleviate suffering, so I needed to be enlightened, to be one with the void. Suicide was the answer, now I know what I was chasing, an escape from a very,very deep neurosis ; Clarity

@Lee You're implying it would make more sense if the universe was less convenient than it is right now? I think you just arbitrarly decided that. So let's place this arbitrary standard in the other direction and see what happens. Why isn't the universe MORE convenient ? Why did it take several billion years for our universe to stop being a lifeless, boring and chaotic mess containing not even a glimpse of organic structure to sustain any kind of sensory capacity or consciousness? Then, how the hell could organic life decide to develop itself through a global never ending mass murder frenzy we call the food chain? And why did our developing society need its armies to murder and rape, its leaders to plot and manipulate and its religions to lie and enslave? And now that things are finally getting a little better, everybody thinks they're getting worse, because they're watching... ...a little too much. Now even less convenient: If we want to change the world, we first have to struggle through the immense labor of changing ourselves. To change ourselves, we have to know what to change. And our subconscious mind will do absolutely anything to prevent us to do so. It often prefers making us commit suicide than accepting our own flaws. And if we decide neither to change ourselves nor the world, then we're stuck walking around like sedated zombies without a purpose. To finally end up as rotting piece of meat, lost in the infinite nothingness of death. You see how arbitrary the convenience of the universe is? That's because convenience is a human concept, not a physical phenomenon. Anyway, sorry for not answering to your question at all, but you might agree it was worth it

This is not a question to help me resolve a problem. It's just a story . TL;DR summary: I had low self-esteem for many many years, hated myself, I was too beta to approach girls, but after some personal development lately and actually becoming able to pick up, I completely changed my perspective and now I think that my girlfriend or even wife would need to match me, would need to also grow and develop herself and walk with me the path towards ascension. Still never had a girlfriend + asexual virgin (never want to lose it, yet I am still able to give sexual pleasure to my future partner if she needs to, using hands and toys and doing sensual stuff, not passing the sensuality-sexuality border myself). Super-long story of my life I am focusing on negativity here. So I was born. I was born with emotional oversensitivity. First kindergarten: when my parents left me there, every day I was crying. Then came elementary school. It was this time. First grade was similar to kindergarten, except I wasn't crying when left by parents. It was the first time I made a friend (a classmate, but he was too immature for friendship tbh). He started school several days later, was very scared at first and I was the first person to just approach him and start talking. My group (class) liked me at first, but we had this war (meh, children) with another group (class) and I probably was the most hated by them. I wanted to be cool, to fit in more. In the second grade began something awful. Lowered self-esteem became reality. The first time I was talking about suicide (8 years old!). When something was wrong, it didn't just result in crying: instead I was hitting my forehead. I wanted to destroy my skull and die. It happened multiple times. It often started when I wanted to be cool. Third grade was similar to the second. Also I am gaining weight. Fourth grade. Now things change a little because now we have separate subjects (instead of integrated classes). Still problems are existing, even worse. We have physical education with that other class. There was my largest enemy there. My psyche worsens. They laugh at me that I'm fat. After some time, things are starting to brighten, I have better contact with my class. But bullies from elder classes show up. Even younger guys harass me. Fifth grade, things starting to loosen. The war is over. We have grown. Still that one dude is my enemy. But well, I made some contact with the other third class. This is the time when boys and girls think about these mysterious relationships and all these butterflies in stomach and kissing. I'm of course a human-ruin so that's not what I do think about. Well, now whenever a girl asks me something and giggles, I am becoming angry and think that they want to make fun of me. Sixth grade. Begins similar to the fifth. But here that one girl gets my number and we start texting (or maybe it was in fifth?). And during vacation she writes if I love her, I say "yes" (even though I wasn't sure). She replied that she just wanted friendship. But during school I had some cool friends (even girls) who just liked me. Secondary school. First impression: disaster. A fat, yet strong and self-confident guy in my class is bullying me through all years, yet sometimes we talk normally. But it was getting better gradually. Still I wanted to fit in and be cool. And in the first and second grade of secondary I cut myself when something bad happened but I wanted teachers to see this, it was kind of protest. I fell in crazy love with friend of my cousin. Of course she didn't know about it. I remained in that state for like 5 years (if not longer if it was already in elementary school). She even was in my home (with my cousin) several times and during these 5 years, I might have talked with her 30 full sentences. I was just so embarrassed to speak. Well, here things are more complicated. I was always imagining me with her being some perfect unity towards ascension. I haven't ever felt sexually. This is the point I started to realize there's something different. I was opposite of demisexual (so I had no sexual attraction towards loved ones). Just clean romantic relationship and growing together. I read a lot of PUA guides but never have balls to use them. I also text with other friend of my cousin, but this time I don't expect anything. High school, the time me and my two best friends think about business. Others are partying, we are writing down business plans. I am still crazy about that girl. The first grade of high school was kind of hard, because I called one girl a slut because of the way she dressed. This resulted in me sending photos how I want to hang myself and going to psychologist. Then in the second grade of high school I started being much more spiritual, but it was a secret. I only told it to my one girl friend (not girlfriend) whom I trusted completely. University. Away from home alone. My girl friend leaves me because of emotional problems (or I did something wrong maybe?). But I make new friends. And a new girl friend. I fell in love several times with her (unrequited). Third semester. She already dropped out but I have great contact with her. But subjects are hard. Christmas: my family attacks me how ungrateful I am. I rent a room but my landlady is crazy. Also a lot of spiders and I have arachnophobia. I am getting depressed. I count on my girl friend. She found her second boyfriend (over facebook LOL) and writes how awesome he is instead of anyhow helping me. I reached the lowest point in my life. I started taking drugs to function normally (not antidepressants but psychoactive OTC cough medicine). I cut myself like never before. It was about year and two months ago. I came back home. Then again I reached some top. I sent that friend love letters. She refused in stupid way. I just went furious and we quarrelled. But I felt better and better without her. When in September we reconciled. I started from the beginning on other university. Still that girl friend is my friend. My best friend actually. She is my teacher. There is metaphysics between us. I felt like I am finally well. However, about four months ago I was again complaining. The only thing I felt lacked was pure romantic love. My friend just told me to meditate. And another friend told me to find internal love towards myself. Everything changed. I describe everything since then on my blog https://inneraurora.wordpress.com/?order=ASC. I became self-confident, tried picking up girls with amazing result surprisingly quickly. On the second semester a girl I knew from high school joined. I always thought she's kind of cute, but was never confident enough to talk to her. Until now. I asked her out. Turned out she's thousand times more shy than I was then. But her life was too simple and individualistic for me. Even though the looks and personality were cool. And here goes the point: now I don't think about having any girl. My girlfriend must match me completely. She must think about personal development, spirituality and ascension. To this day I have never had a girlfriend. I am still virgin (even though I'm asexual). I still want romantic relationship. However, it's worth waiting for the perfect one. For the one I can become unity with, for the one I can ascend with. Even if she turns out to be sexual who needs it, I am able to fulfil her desire without losing virginity. Yet, I'm constantly breaking the rule because I want to romantically attract (using Law of Attraction) the hottest girl on my year. I have quite good contact with her. She turned out not to be anyhow related to metaphysics, yet I still dig inside her mind and soul . And I don't believe in such thing as friendzone. Also @Leo Gura, it really irritates me when I read (http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-a-girlfriend) Seriously?

@Flower I want to be more transparent. I've met (slept with) more than a few women who thought they needed a new partner every day. This makes me feel disgusting to admit, but I'm completely numb to the feelings of girls. I never had guilt about it until a girl told me she loved me and that I broke her heart. She attempted suicide by drinking bleach, but I was unaware that sex to her was a big deal. (or that our hookups were somehow mistaken for commitment). Amber is a good girl, but we have nothing in common. I myself have had suicidal tendencies, so I told her that I couldn't love her back. Intellect is something I desire above all else, but I exert a lot of energy in repressing my sexual desires these days. If I acted on them every time it would most likely end up costing my life.

I'm simply trying to be a better myself spiritually as well as physically. Hello I'm Armand which is why I have this long running joke of a name "Mandy". My friends really have stuck to it over the years. Wanting to reach a point where I can be happy with the person I decide to be, and then maybe try and build up from there. I honestly am a pessimist trying to convert my thoughts to a more positive place. I've attempted suicide before because I thought that my very soul was meant for this one person I was with. Only to find out she wasn't really what I think I needed at the time. I regret that sometimes I would pretend she were gone for good because she hindered me from making a lot of new friends. She always made my life harder on me by causing unnecessary drama as well as always thinking that I would want to cheat on her. She is a beautiful woman, but not worth chasing after. My parents are very strict Christians who preached some pretty warped opinions on sin. My father physically abused me until I was old enough to defend myself. It's not really something my pride wanted to admit on here, but anyway. A lot of my behaviors have become bad ones. Such as smoking and drinking then hooking up with people just because I'm bored with needs. I was with a girl not that long ago that was really sweet, and she might of been really good for me. Then I managed to mess it up by not being exclusive (which I had no idea she even wanted). I guess I'm a simple guy working a job that pays well, but it's not my dream to crunch numbers all day for the rest of my life. Needing this forum to help me stay on the right path instead of making things harder on myself which can lead to falling farther behind in life.

Look. When I was your age I thought about commiting suicide. Though I felt emotions. Was stressed, didn't like the people around me and stuff. My girlfriend in the age of 16 tried to commit suicide. Well she didn't take it seriously. She just cut her arms crosswise with a butter knife. Of course I thought back then that my life doesn't really matter anymore. That dying isn't such a stupid option. What I didn't know was what kind of possibilities I have in my life. I can't judge life when I never really discovered what can be done. And of course it can be difficult to try new paths in life. But this is what life actually is. It is about leaving the comfort zone and make something great. Drinking alcohol was kind of a motivation for me to exist in the age of 16. Hanging out with people and get wasted. That was cool. And just knowing that my parents don't like that. Felt like a rebel. But there where moments in my life that actually brought tears in my eyes. Moments worth living for. Falling in love, sky diving, trips to foreign countries, not superficial dialogues with people,. Just going out and doing something. It is all much better than just spending my time in this forum. Just be patient. Maybe it is all going to change. Still I feel like you don't open up too much. If you really take this conversation seriously then take a piece of paper and write down what you do throughout one day. Write down what is happening every hour or so.

@oschi No,I did not took any drugs.Also I'm not smoking or consuming alcohol.Yeah,the 7th and 8th grade were tough times for me.Just to make an summary:My mother and father got sick in those 2 years,especially my father..he was about to die.Also in the 8th grade I had to pass 2 exams in order to reach 9th grade,it was very stressful for me.And there were other things that frustrated me...I remember that when I found out that my father got in hospital I didn't felt anything at all.Not worry,not fear,nothing.I don't know exactly when I became numb. Even though I can't feel,I act(naturally) like I feel them.For example,yesterday I was meditating and father entered my room and searched for something.I automatically said to myself, "I hate when this happens".And I can give more examples,you get the point. Good news for me...yesterday I felt an emotion.My father told me that my aunt has cancer.I can't describe or recreate the feeling I've got,but I know I've had it.It lasted for a second.So,I guess that meditation and affirmations will work..I hope.I also discovered an exercise designed to help people with anhedonia.I hope that I will see some progress..To be honest sometimes I think about commiting suicide if I can't get my emotions back.I mean,would there be a point living if I can't enjoy anything? What is worse about this "feeling" is that you don't even realize that you have it.You know when I found out that something was wrong with me?When I discovered Leo's channel.He was talking about so much stuff that normally would have inspired/motivate me.But I was like blank.I just didn't cared.I thought at the moment that I was just lazy or stupid.But for some reason I continued watching his videos...Soon I realized that I can't feel attraction/compassion or any other positive/negative emotion for any person that I know.Then I realized that I can't find joy in anything.Normally,coding,reading,running,playing games(and the list goes on and on) would have relaxed me(at least).I mean,if I can't find joy in these activities,where I can find it?? Sorry If I write to much..

There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive. The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good) The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good).

Till this morning, I'd watched Leo's enlightenment related vids. After coming back, I watched some Mooji's vids. I was looking for some answers in his vids. He said 'a way to deal with sufferings is silence.' 1st I thought, "That's what I'd done for a while, then I just get depressed more and more, so started seeing a counselor, then, but, still I couldn't quite getting out from my sufferings, then found actualized.org, then started forum-journaling, and still I feel stuck. Am I going back to the first stage again!?!?" But then, I thought, since my last silence phase, I had a journey. I stumbled and struggled. I'm still in the mid of it. And I'll be in silence, as Mooji said. I don't know how long of this 'silence' will last tho. My monkey-chatter is insane. I don't know the purpose of writing this here, to be 'silent.' <-- This is already a monkey-chatter. I need to observe this monkey chatter from . . what did Leo say? I forgot the word. Kinda like the 3rd eye? or pineal grand? . . . That's what I need to train. BTW, I couldn't observe my dull headache . . I couldn't separate the pain from . . 3rd eye or pineal grand . . today. I think Leo mentioned something like, "when you get older, physical pain here and there. You can separate pain from you." or something. REALLY!?!? I think, it depends of the intensity of the pain, type of the pain, and location of the pain like how close the painful site is to the nerve and/or nerve endings. Especially headache . . is the darn close to the pain center in brain. Observing the headache was impossible for me today. Or, is it a kind of distraction method? <-- This is very common. And re: "People aren't afraid of death is a lie." <-- I guess, majority of the people are afraid of death. There are some minority people who are Not afraid of dying. My environment was . . My next neighbor suicided 15+ years ago. She was a teenager. I used to say 'hi' a couple times a week. We never talked. I regretted. I was too shy to go talk to her. My 'kinda-relative' attempted suicide. She was a narcissist and used to bother me so no comment. My high-school friend was . . I don't know how many times she attempted suicide. Another case: One young guy with relatively chronic disease, but he could move around no problem, suicided. What I meant was, depending on the environment where you are, the scenery is different. You just can't see people who are not afraid of death. And me? I kind of don't want to die, but sometimes I want to die to free from sufferings. But I don't want to die with physical pain. I want to be in coo-coo state with morphine and ativan. I want to go ABSOLUTELY pain-free. . . . this kinda monkey-chatter I wrote after mentioning "i'll be quiet." I wonder if I can really be in 'silence' to deal with suffering?

I just watched "The Benefits of Enlightenment" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfMqtrbjiMs again after checking email from Leo. <-- Yup I'm subscribed. I thought TONS while watching the video. "Life is suffering" <-- I knew it. More like, isn't it the basic teaching in Buddhism? To get out of the life's sufferings is . . when you noticed that you got out from life's sufferings . . when you noticed that you are in different state of mind getting out of life's suffering . . is called 'enlighten.' . . . That's what I've known. Also . . . this thought may be not quite acceptable in Western Christian world . . . To get out of life's suffering, one way is to end their live, i.e., suicide. 'Enlighten after (physical) death.' <-- This is not quite accepted in Western Christian world. Mentioning about suicide is even recognized as 'offensive' sometimes. That's what I noticed living in the United States. Anyhoo, In the video, Leo explained the details of . . his version of enlightenment. I think, I got it. And, so, although I kinda knew it . . working on Life Purpose becomes meaningless when I keep 'enlightenment' in my mind. In a way, it's a relief. And also it's dangerous. In extreme case, I can be a homeless and get enlightened, and on to self-actualization. Now I got another thing to think about. <-- My 'ego' wants to think about it, I guess. <-- 'I' is illusion. <-- This loop. lol. I think, I want to watch the video again. And other Leo's enlightenment related videos too. But . . I got other things to do tho? Watching Enlightenment related videos are more interesting than what I got to do. <-- This is not good. <-- My 'ego' wants to discipline me. <-- 'ego' 'discipline' all 'illusion.' <-- This loop. <-- This monkey-chatter. <-- lol. First, I better start from my Cornerstone habits because it's morning! Man! birds are noisy chirping loud this morning . .

Heyyyyyy.... Its me. Another tiny spec of a human on this giant blue earth with illusionary problems. for the past 3 months.(well actually since 15. I am 29 now) Ive been going through alot of over thinking, depression, anxiety, negative beliefs, self sabotage. and using weed, porn,lsd and alcohol to distract myself from all this bullshit Ive created for myself. It helps for a tiny bit but as we all know it actually makes things worst. I am in a really really low point in my life right now. Its effecting not just me but everyone around me, my career. Everything. I have a fuked up aura and its all because I am having a really hard time changing. Thoughts of suicide have come up because its the easy way out for me but I know I cant do that because my family, girlfriend and friends would be so hurt. I am wedding photographer and when i am in my bestest state. Im friken good at it. but other times I just have to put on a mask and act all happy but deep down im dying and when I get home after a 15 hr day of being a happy chappy social butter fly i crash and burn for days and hate life. i live a very comfortable and easy life. I work maybe 4-6 times a month and the rest of the time I try to gym and do jujitsu. I try to catch up with friends when I can but lately I feel i get major social anxiety and feel very intoverted. I live with my parents and they dont nag me at all. They give me a roof over my head, bathroom, toilet, food and just enough money for me to be very comfortable. Ive got it so dam good. Im spoilt and my family is just above middle class. I have so much guilt because of this because I know there are others that have it so much worst then I do yet here I am with my first world problems. Anywho. in the past I have done landmark which helped for a time. Ive watched the shift by wayne dyer and Ive read eckhart tolle and i was into tim ferris for abit. that all helped me for a time but i always find myself back in hell sooner or later. Lifes been a summary of a bunch of Ups and downs and never steady. Ive taken lsd and had a massive bad trip which lead me to having a big breakthrough and death of my ego. It lead to me eating super healthy and going to the gym. I lost 6kilos and even got a tiny bit of abs. I even got inspired to give youtube a stab because it felt right and passionate. but that only lasted about 8 months untill it suddenly just fell flat on its ass.. I am now back at square one but I feel this time its even harder to figure out this next step in my life because I know exactly why i feel the way i do physically, spiritually and mentally but fuk my ego/lower self gets more cunning and evil everytime I catch me out. I am very desperate right now. I cant live like this anymore. think the way i do. its terrible. i just want to die but i dont even have the guts to kill myself. Please guys, anyone, Leo, obiwan!? Help me! Theres so much more i could be doing with my time and life and for this planet and the people around me. Would getting the life purpose course help me? I dont think I have the discipline to complete it.. i am seeing a shrink but i think i need to see another one for a different opinion. Thank you for those who have taken the time to read this. selfish me.

In the beginning of spiritual development and self improvement, the ego is still largely running the show. The quest for enlightenment is much like giving up smoking: in order to overcome a desire for nicotine, one must desire to be without nicotine. As such, we need to desire in order to relinquish desire -- kind of a paradox. The human being is always desiring something: acceptance, love, revenge, suicide etc. Even depression is a desire of sorts: it's like a heavy gravitational well, tearing apart positive emotions, perpetuating its own existence with excuses and rationalizations as to why it must remain. In Buddhism the desire for spiritual growth is considered a good thing, and something to be cultivated. As for your suicidal ideation though, that is an unhealthy form of desire and must certainly be let go of. If you are able to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, please do so. Mental health needs a holistic approach and only focusing on 'Enlightenment' can be very damaging in the long run if you haven't got your fundamentals in order. Your desire for spiritual liberation is good though -- hold on to that flame and cultivate it.

Hi actualizers, I have a question for you. So I've been quite suicidal recently and I couldn't stand being "myself". That means that my Ego is so hurt/bleeding by my life story that it decided it wants to die. My Ego actually desires for me to become enlightened (for it to commit suicide if you wish) - that's why I am drawn to spiritual a lot and am practicing meditation and all through the day I am observing the machine we call body and mind. My question is, if my Ego desires it's own death, does this help the process of enlightenment or does it make the Ego somehow stronger, because it is getting what it "wants"? PS: I am not dead, because bottom line is I like breathing and being in the body too much (I'm addicted actually).

<--[04-01-16]--> April False Woop Woop! April is here. Can't believe I've been doing this for a while now. I just want to make a quick little summary of my March entries based on my previous posts. Flashback Time! Discovered the dam next to the ocean near my neighborhood. I decided it was a good meditation spot. Got neurotic about my profile name at one point and was secretly changing it repeatedly on SoundCloud but eventually I caved in and decided to keep using the username I've had since I was 11, Extreme Z7. The reason why I kept changing my username was because I kept having false thoughts that it would be important for the future of my possible creative career when in reality it's not supposed to matter. Tried doing Strong Determination Sitting for 1 hour. It was okay. Had some frustration with college life. I started a new personal blog where I sometimes write game reviews Word got out the one of the students at my college committed suicide. I personally felt nothing but apathy. Mostly because aside from the self-murder, I knew nothing about the incident. Just that it happened. Decided to meditate under a tree. The bugs decided to visit me while I do it. A spider crawled up my arm. A lizard actually showed up on my lap. And I handled both these situations pretty terribly by reacting instantly. One of the most emotionally difficult meditation sessions I've ever had. Made a commitment to study models of reality as much as possible. As of today, I still need to make the commitment again because I keep getting distracted. Talked about my past online encounter with a 40-year old man who thinks that the news is a good source of knowledge about reality. Still listening to Leo's work as I walk to college. Made some Hardcore Techno with FL Studio Bought a book called "Becoming Steve Jobs" by Brent Schlender and Rick Tetzeli. I've read the first 4 chapters and just amazed at how ambitious Steve Jobs was yet how terrible he was at managing companies. Although, I do see a bit of myself whenever it comes to his ambitious side, I don't think I would have the ego to get kicked out of my own founded company because I made too many costly decisions. (Also celebrated my 100th post on this forum) Bought a new book called "The Magic Ladder to Success" by Napoleon Hill. Very inspiring and motivational book but I feel it doesn't really talk much about models of the business and finance world. The book did tell me to keep notes of what was being read. I didn't. I guess I got too lazy to do it. It's okay, I'll probably read it again and just take note of important concepts that time. Bumbled about FL Studio, making electronic music cause my future depends on it hum dee dummm. . . . Leo's video "Why Rationality is WRONG - A Critique of Rationalism" is by far one of the most profound and eye-opening videos he has made so far. I'm really excited for the book he mentioned he was making for that video. If my level of awareness over thoughts can get heightened from one video, how much more for an entire book? Something tells me the book is going to have a little "deja vu" moments from when I first read the "Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution" by P.D. Ouspensky. Made some more electronic music and uploaded a track on my SoundCloud called "Chasing Dreams". By far one of my favorite songs yet. Had a really strong meditation experience at one point where I actually decided to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for five minutes when it was over. This one is very significant: I made an entry where I pondered my life purpose. What is my true dream? The one thing I want to keep working on my whole life. Well it turns out that one thing is three things. I have interest in Music, Games and Drawing. I find that my life purpose will not be fulfilled without having a career or legacy that somehow embodies these three different hobbies. Of course, within these fields I'm only attracted to certain niches but even then I have to learn to satisfy those niches. (Also finally drew my own profile picture which I really like a lot) Another big one, In fact, this one happened last week. I decided to spend 48 hours of my time working in a game jam. I challenge to make one game within 48 hours is by far one of the most stressful and extremely pressurized situations I've ever put myself into. I'm really glad of actually finishing the game I wanted to make just 1 hour before the jam deadline. Now I'm just waiting for votes by people who happen to come across it in hopes that I make it to the Top 5 or maybe even the Number One. I want to end with this. The kids I met on the dam next to the seaside are some of the most friendly people I've ever been close to. Something tells me this level of connection with human beings is the next step to my journey of self-actualization. The next upgrade to the maximum level in life. Right now, I spend most of my time alone. I've learned to actually be able to spend less time in my head, despite this. I want to know how to develop connection with other people not just so I can interact with them with ease but so they can even call for my attention when they need it. How I'm actually going to go about doing this, I don't know yet. I don't even have a clear direction yet. Just "I want to make close friends" and that's it. That's all for today. This was a summary of what happened in my life this March. Looking back, those events seem to be telling me to keep moving forward. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The ego is like a suicide bomber. As soon as it's threatened it wants to drag everyone else down with it by flailing around and creating all sorts of problems that really aren't problems. It is possible to get enlightened while still keeping your family, if you want that.

THIS I personally don't see any point in prayer. You thinking a few thoughts in your head has no effect on, for example, helping feed staving children after their homes have been struck by an earthquake or comforting a mother who has lost a daughter in a suicide bombing. If you want to help then give money to the children, give the mother a shoulder to cry on. Don't just sit in your room feeling like you are really making a difference just by thinking about them. Of course thinking may prompt you to take some action. However, this doesn't change the fact that mere thought alone, without any interaction with a source outside your own mind, is completely useless. Moreover prayer, encouraging yourself to become lost in thoughts, is a distraction from true spirituality.

So Leo is not right saying that you have to go through all this physical pain and years of siting, I know Eckart lived on a bench for a long time, but it was not like a Zen monk. I forgot about Eckart... Eckart had a lot of psychological pain, but haven't we all? A lot of people commit suicide... They don't get enlightened... What did Eckart to have this consciousness shift?

Well, I know to realize we are nothing is a pill hard to swallow. I understand your escapism to your "reality". It's much better to think that we are separated and not one, so we don't have to take the responsibility as human race as a whole, for making the world a terrible place with murders, kidnapping, suicide, contamination, greed, etc... whatever... that's a very good way to "confront" the reality. Very smart.

Hi there I hope you are not planning to become a suicide bomber and now you want to loose your fear of death. I know the feeling ... but you have nothing to worry about... The nature will do just fine without you * The fear you are having is constructed and conceptual only i.e. it's not in the present - you didn't swallow a poison and fighting with your death now...of course you know this I'm not trying to sway you from having this fear, because it carries a rare golden opportunity with it to realize: - how powerful and real our thinking can be and - also deceptive We know this because we can experiment with it. We can decrease or increase the fears even. In fact try this: Next time you are deep into your contemplation about death, go a bit deeper. Try to be even more rational and start asking questions: What if your concept of death is not so simple and subtle as you put it... What if it does not end so conveniently? What if this sooner means very soon ? What if this later means very old and alone, with some agonizing illness? What if you don’t get an opportunity to die in peace? What if you realize that your life was just a pile of suffering without true fulfilment ? Keep asking these format of questions... We as humans often speak of death as we are some kind of experts... as if we've been through it many times This shows that the fear itself can be manipulated and doesn't have permanence ... which should tell you that maybe sooner or later, or just before you die, you may not actually have that fear. You may be feeling like totally fulfilled and ready... You may even feel a bit pissed off with yourself for having that fear and wasting your time... quite possible. And if you want to rationalize about it? Then maybe put x instead of fear and replace it with some other concept (happiness for example) - this is kind of what some religions do The reason I said above that the fear of death carries a golden opportunity is because - you can ask yourself "what is it that I am doing NOW since life is so short"

@Pinocchio Im sensing that your radical questioning of everything is probably another cliche. If you really did have that attitude then watching the video would be a walk in the park for you? I think you want your beliefs and your belief is to deconstruct everything that has made you suffer in the past. That's easier to do than consider information that toys with your enlightenment ideology. If enlightenment were not true, then what? Suicide? I don't blame you. If I had done all the work you had and wasted all those years then I would be afraid to consider other options. Stick with your path. But it is just your path.

So I got pretty wasted, last night. I wanted to shut off my emotions. I was definitely not in my right mind. I'm a very chatty, flirty, silly drunk. I ended up hanging out with my roommate & his nerdy friend. They are 12 year old adult men lol they are super into building gundam models, it's kind of adorable but hard for me to act impressed when they ramble on about it. Oh & I ended up changing my pic to one of my stupid face lol. Although when everyone left, I found myself feeling intensely lonely. I had a hard time falling asleep, as I was consumed with thoughts of the meaninglessness of existence. I was googling the fastest, most painless, but lethal ways of suicide. Before I fell asleep, I rationalized the thoughts away. I reread some of the posts on this thread & I woke up feeling much better. I started reading a book today called Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Really great, so far. I'm hoping it can give me a better idea of what I feel and why. Thank you. I guess I can be a little judgmental. I try not to be. I have gotten a lot better at trying to see other people's perspective & halt my impulse to criticize (especially because these are things my mother does & it does not do me any favors). So I guess I am a little scared of judgement. In the end, it doesn't matter too much what people think. Everyone views the world in such a different way. Yes to all of these. However, I am also thankful for all these emotions because they can be wonderful. Pain exists to teach you a lesson. It can be a guide. My feeling on my feelings when I am super low. Well... the voice in my head tells me I should know better. That I should get over myself. That I am too sensitive and a drama queen (mostly my mom talking, again). I get this tension in my diaphragm (which is probably what induces the panic) and I feel this enormous sense of guilt & disgust over feeling down. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. I advise this to other people but I often can't do the same. Growing up, my mother placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. She was a single parent struggling to raise two kids in a foreign country where she barely spoke the language. My little brother got special treatment since he was young because he had a heart condition (& also because my family is mostly females). I was babysitting him since I was 10 years old & had to grow up quickly. My mother was never home, offered no comfort or emotional support to me. She was either working or off having dysfunctional relationships with men. My brother and I are lucky that she was protective of us, and never allowed those men to bring us harm. Just made me responsible for my brother & subjected us to a lot of arguments. He never even had to do any chores & was spoiled to death. I forgave my mother a long time ago for this. Especially now, going through this personal development work. I understand her better (even though, honestly, I would like to distance myself from her as much as possible... maybe someday I'll be able to help her more than she helped me but I can't handle it now). She did the best she could with what she was taught & that is all anyone can do. I know that deep down, she does love me, and she is not a terrible person. She was also emotionally abused, as a child. I suck at this..I didn't even mean to go on about that but there ya have it. I'm extremely happy that what I'm going through is resonating with so many people like: @zasa joey @SAM B thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate you. You are beautiful and kind and valuable. We can get through this. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to message me. I have been dancing around my apt for the past hour listening to The Strokes & The Killers I'm about to go visit my cousin who just had a boob job lol. Have a lovely, stress-free week, everyone!

so you say that if i listen to jump by van halen i will commit suicide by jumping off a building? dont take these things too seriously, some of the music lyrics give me very good and interesting insights!