Search the Community

Somehow, although I did lose the job and fail the class, the predator decided to stay with me. I don't remember how that ended up being arranged since he was initially very clear that failure was grounds for break-up. But instead I was put on probation and he told me that if I could get all A's in the next quarter then I could be his girlfriend again. I got two A's and an A-, which was close enough and somehow the whole snowball kept going. Eventually I moved in with the predator that's when everything got way worse. Everything I did wasn't good enough, even working and going to school full time wasn't enough. I didn't have time to exercise, cook, clean and do everything else the predator wanted. He didn't want to take care of me (although my parents paid the rent and the government paid for the food), I was still too much of a burden and he wanted me to go back to my parents home... I called my parents but they told me that I wasn't allowed to come home. Thankfully I had my handy-dandy suicide kid for emergencies like that. And that's when I really got messed up. The hardest thing about living through everything I've been though, Body, is not knowing. I've never met anyone else who's done what I've done, to you us. I wonder if what I'm-we're going through, the fainting, if it's because of what I did to you, or if it's completely unrelated. Some days I just can't walk. It's gotten better, I know, I've been working hard to take care of you body, but I just wish I could know. It's a lonely thing. I've never met anyone else who's done it. Killed themselves, failed, only to try again. It wasn't just once that I did it to you. I have a nice life now but there's this involuntary pain whenever I remember what I've been through. I can't go through the day without remembering what I went through... I was so convinced that last time, that it was really the end. Nothing compares to the pain I felt that night. The agony. My blood literally a fire through my veins, unable to breath, unable to lift my head off the ground. That kit I had intended as a salvation for myself, a safe haven I could turn to when there was no one else who wanted me. I took the whole kit, as much as a could swallow. He sat at his computer, the predator. I lied down on the giant bean bag we used as a bed and dozed off knowing he didn't know and that I could enjoy my last day still having him, not having to be alone, abandoned. I lied down and listened to In All My Dreams I Drown from the Devil's Carnival trying not to focus on the fact I wasn't wanted. He took me out to Dairy Queen, it felt very romantic to have one last day of happiness with him I thought at the time. I don't really know why I thought that then. But that's what I thought. It was around that time that the metabolic acidosis kicked in and my body started to fight the poison. I hadn't been inefficient in my dosage. I had to run to the bathroom, I couldn't swallow back the acid my body churned up. I could barely stand as we stood in line for burgers. By the time we'd driven home I could barely stand, I'd stand for a couple moments then the dizziness would wash over me and I had to crouch down to catch my breathe and keep from passing out. I went upstairs, dizzy, tired, ready to succumb to the fate that I had chosen for myself. I felt powerful. In my life I could control one thing. My life. No matter how hard I studied, with the dyslexia and the ADHD, my grades were not under my control. I fought, and I fought, and I fought against everything in my nature to prove to myself that wasn't the case. But I still failed. I failed, tried again, and failed and someone was sick of it, and it wasn't just me. Too dizzy to keep myself upright I slumped into bed to pass out. My ears were ringing and my chest was starting to hurt. It was coming and sleep would guide me into my new a new, better life, back to the darkness from whence I came. I fell asleep, just like the last time I'd tried. Only this time, I was certain, my plan was fool proof. And no one would ever know. Pain killers. They're supposed to numb the pain, to numb away my life. My life was pain back then, emotionally, but it didn't even measure a fraction to what the physical pain I experienced that night. I didn't want to be alone... Unwanted... I awoke to a sharp pain, my stomach burned, my throat burned, my blood burned, I could feel the burning from inside my skin to the outside. The temperature felt ice could, then burning hot. I'd created myself a living hell. So much for a painless death. I tried not to throw-up but I couldn't. I rushed to the bathroom, and my body did everything it could to purge the acid out of my system. My heart raced, as fast as the heart beat of a hummingbird, I remember comparing it to that. I spent the rest of my night in that bathroom, after the second trip to throw-up I could barely stand. I crawled back to the bedroom. After that I couldn't walk anymore. The predator wasn't a strong man. I couldn't stand. A trail of towels followed from our room to the bathroom, he had to carry me to the bathroom to throw up twice, he encouraged me to stay the second time after I came crawling back into the room. I was up till 4 AM that morning, eventually I couldn't lift my body off the floor, I had to settle into the bathtub where I could vomit up the drain. He came in to join me for awhile while I was in there, he talked about taking me to the ER, I tied to pass it off like I must have a bad strain of the flu. If he took me to the ER, they might figure out what was happening, they would try to save me. I had to prevent that. I told him that if I wasn't better by the morning I'd go to the drop in clinic. He felt bad for me, worried I suppose, although he told me he was incapable of feeling. He said that he didn't think it would be good to leave me when I was sick that I was, he told me he might stay with me. I didn't want to manipulate him into staying with me, it wasn't why I'd tried to kill myself. But it made me happy. I just wanted to be with him. He left, I kept throwing up. Eventually around 5:30 AM the sickness subsided. As I drifted off I felt fear of death, very intense fear, I felt the darkness reaching for me. Even though I had created this situation where I was dying I still couldn't help fighting it. Just for a few moments more. I didn't know what was going to come once it was all over. I was scared. Very scared. And then I thought of my sister and I felt an intense sense of guilt. What would her life be like without an older sister? Would she blame herself if she found out? I felt awful. I remembered how she'd cried for weeks when she realized my 12 year old brother had started smoking. How would she take it, when she realized that she would have to spend the rest of her life without me. I cried. She deserved so much more. She was the one person I realized, in that one moment, who mattered more than anything else to me. I didn't see her frequently, she lived with her boyfriend only a few houses down. I never, never really, went to see her. I didn't want her to cry. I wish I could've been more for her. I loved my sister. But I didn't love her more than I hurt. I cried, I cried for the pain, no matter how much I breathed, and breathed but I couldn't get any air, I couldn't stand. My limbs went numb. I could slowly feel my body dying. I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't move my legs. I cried for my fear of death. I cried because of the darkness. I cried because of the loneliness. I cried because my parents didn't love me. I cried because my boyfriend of 4 years didn't love and wanted to get rid of me. But most of all I cried because I wish I could've been a better sister. One who didn't bring pain into her life. I never realized up until that moment how very, very precious she was to me. I felt the darkness coming. I don't know how but at sometime my consciousness broke and I teleported from the bathroom to the bed and I was lying next to my beloved predator. I was so close to him. I fell asleep next to him, just happy to be with him. I decided that if I could survive that night I would be the submissive he wanted me to be. I would do everything he wanted me to, anything he asked. I just wanted him to want me and I was happy fading off into the darkness. Embracing death. I couldn't walk for a week; I couldn't even properly crawl. I didn't think I'd ever be able to walk again. Didn't think I'd ever be able to hear again either, but by day three of groveling across the carpet I was able to start hearing things again. I should be dead. But here I am... Four years later. I can walk, I can hear. But I worry that things won't ever be the same. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am, walking, standing, I lose contact with you Body. Falling spells, are they related? The doctors don't know. I've told them everything, but even so, they don't really know. It only started happening, like the recognition thing... I don't know why. But, you know what... Looking back now, as I write this, I realize it wasn't love that drove me to kill you, body, but my fear of being alone. I have, and even still, am terrified of being alone.

Ok, so it seems like everyone else has some goals posted in their journals so I'm going to go ahead and include my goals here to. 1) To consolidate my experiences into a digestible format for myself so I can sort though and finally process everything I've been through. As it is said, those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. 2) To develop an emotionally and spiritually healthy self. 3) Figure out where my current personal problems originate from, learn how to move past the things I've been through and grow beyond my history. 4) Develop healthy beauty habits. 5) Nurture, nourish and accept the body I have. To really love my body and help it become healthy and reach it's full potential. 6) Find to correct balance between inner peace and emotional control without sacrificing my personal safety and security. 7) Find and pursue the correct trajectory for my life so that I can live it to it's fullest. 8) Feed my mind and grow analytically. 9) Create a happy relationship for myself that I feel happy in, where I get to experience romance and passion while still being secure and know that I am loved. As a heads up this journal may get very dark. It is brutally honest, intimate and authentic. I want to move past the darkness that I carry inside my mind. This journal covers my struggle with suicide, my unhealthy eating (or not eating) habits, living in poverty, drugs, criminal activity, abuse, BDSM, my faith (or lack thereof) and how it is I got to where I am today. The start of this journal is more ruminations on my past while I get everything out, but after it moves past that I intend this to be about my personal journey to grow into a wiser, more knowledgeable, analytical person. To explore the person I'm becoming, the image I want to have, and the everyday pursuit of becoming healthier. It will cover everything from from the shallow and superfluous, the readings I take on, ethics, exercise, everything.

@renegade_bee I don't know much about UTI's but I do know just because you think you have tried everything, the answer is to not give up. I have had many clients who have come to for depression and suicide and what I find most is that these people do not want to end their life, its a big cry for help, a solution and as hard life gets you are the answer to any problem you will ever have in life. You are 18 years old and I am sure you have heard this before but you have your whole life to design and make things the way you want. Just because you have went to 100 Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists doesn't mean you have tried everything. Why don't you try 101 times and if that doesn't work try a different approach. Your life is not over due to this condition. I have had many people come across me with more severe life threatening conditions who have made it through things like cancer, people who have lost a leg and won't be able to walk for the rest of their life. These people are some of the most successful people in life and business that I know because they never gave up. You need to develop mental toughness first and foremost because your mind will determine which path you choose. We are so used to doing what it easy and comfortable but we are so much more than that. Our mind has the power to overcome just about any adversity IF we learn how to train it and use it right to get the results we want. Definitely call a help line in your Country/Area to help with your emotional side of things. Go see a specialist (even a few) to find a solution to your problem. I don't think UTI are incurable so don't give up. There will be tougher situations you may come across in life, whatever happens, learn to be stronger than anything comes your way and don't ever be ashamed to ask for help or seek guidance from people. Don't feel you are left out or different from everyone else, some people progress slower and faster than others at various things, some people were born with conditions while others are healthy their whole life. What seperates the weak from the strong is your determination, persistence and how mentally strong you are. Believe in hope and believe in yourself that you will get through this.

uhh I wish i could show you.. Suicide will only lead to doing it all over again and leaving deep karmic marks and pain to those left behind. Have you ever considered psychedelics? They saved me from suicide when everyone else didn't work. They showed me the meaning of existence, who i really am, what life's really about, why i came here on earth and answered every question i had ever wondered about in a flash of an eye. Now i am living life to the fullest helping others like myself come to the same realizations. I have been through so much darkness which is why i know what i know today. I know from experience nothing i say will help if i started with herbs, diet, meditation, travel ect.. but for emergency situations i honestly believe from the deepest part of my heart these were put here on earth for, to reconnect ourselves to who we truly are and whoever disagrees just lacks the experience and understanding. One experience magic mushroom, LSD, DMT, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote ect.. or even Cannabis if you never have before can completely change your life around. If you don't try once you will never really know what it was all about and you would never know if it could of saved you from doing what you were planning to do. If i had to pick i would go with Shrooms or DMT, they show you what you need to see but if you cant come across them give the others a try and make sure they are pure. Drugs don't help, drugs don't work, Nature helps, nature works. and when i say psychedelics i mean those extracted from plants, even LSD originally is extracted from a type of fungi i believe. Checkout PsychedSubstance on youtube and MAPS(Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) to properly educate yourself about these substances. Growing up, living on the streets, being bullied, tortured daily and treated like trash, betrayed, left alone i tried to kill myself many times but there was always something that kept me going and stopping me at the last minute. I am always grateful for that now that i live a completely different life and had experience with psychedelics and meditation that made it all clear and simple for me. Nowadays i know that no matter what happens in life, even if i endure the pain i endured 10x over i will never even come close to suicide because i understand the impact it will have on not just those left behind but my growth as a soul and my future existence will be filled more more karmic energies following me around and never knowing why. Do you remember before you were born? Its not worth it. I suggest giving this a read it may help understand this stuff better http://thegreaterpicture.com/guides.html I know you said you probably wont listen to others but i honestly think you should give me a chance when i say this since i have been through a lot myself and something similar to what you are going through. Over the years i have become a some sort of health expert myself and you are 100% correct all those guys and things you went to are meaningless, if you want to try something for me because i swear by this stuff, my life has changed around switching from modern medicine, drugs, therapists, ect.. to nature, to natural methods that actually work. http://www.top10homeremedies.com/home-remedies/home-remedies-for-urinary-tract-infection.html https://au.pinterest.com/pin/413416440768149564/ https://draxe.com/home-remedies-for-uti/ I used to have the same pains as you say every day, once i started eating real foods(organic fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, and Herbs & Spices= natures medicine) and cut everything processed and junk out, i started becoming alive again. No more pains or problems. This is when it all began after my darkness phase lead me into meeting my fungi friend. I have even helped people cure their own cancers and other disorders, its very simple, Nature contains everything we need to sustain life, its when man started making and doing everything artificial is when diseases and problems started to occur. This is all a big business scam. Cancer industry alone makes 200b+ a year from treatments and those who practice natural alternatives lose their jobs or end up dead and this is not a joke. The people you went to see are trained a certain way, they don't know jack shit about health and curing. If you want to see how intelligent is nature and how simple cancer can be cured all you have to do is find the root cause. And the root cause of cancer and most diseases is Lack of Oxygen to the cells which causes an acid environment. Cancer cannot simply exist in an oxygen rich, alkaline Environment. All the same for everything else. You have to find real people with real answers, look for natural remedies and cures, doctors are all trained to sell drugs nothing more. Never go there. I know cranberry and aloe vera juice daily should help too and do wonders and buy organic who cares if its double the price, this is life, spend your last penny because when your gone it wont matter. https://www.ihealthtube.com has helped me a lot. Ayurvedic medicine is also another thing i swear by and methods that actually work and cure modern diseases. They have been used for thousands of years. I hope my words can help you, i will always be here to help because i know what you are going through. It never hurts to try a few more things. These days i try to live as its my last day, so i make sure i do as much can and fuck everything else, this is your life, fuck society, fuck the system and go do what you want, what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, do what you fear to do, your existence here is more important than anything else man-made and never let those things bring you down and limit your existence, you are far more valuable and important. All the best. I exchange my Highest vibration of infinite love to you, Pluto <3

@renegade_bee The thing about suicide is people assume that ending their life is going to end their suffering. But nobody knows what happens to the energy once it has been "bumped off" so to speak. Science tells us that energy never dies, can only be transformed, so dont be so hasty thinking that death = the end of suffering. Nobody can prove an afterlife, but nobody can disprove it either, meaning you dont know that death is going to end suffering, so there is no point in bringing about the end of it in this way. Adjusting your mind to the circumstances is the way to end suffering, its easy to do when you just knuckle down and get on with replacing your negative attitude with one of gratitude for having been blessed with an experience at all. Yes, youre not getting what you want, that doesnt mean youre not getting what you need. If you are still breathing then take that as a gift. Believe me, the only way to end suffering is to change your mind, because that is the only thing you have control over. Pain very well may continue, but you can control suffering.

good point. this kind of topic is not important right now. i see myself on the place you are because once i actually was. i was sexually ill, with a sick penis, for 26 years. sex was horrifying and i had to go through a dangerous surgery, with the risk of losing genital sensibility. fight for your healing because it's possible. you need professional help. all i said on the other comment was that suicide is NOT going to help at all.

The last three years I had a very hard time, here is my story, enjoy. When I was I kid, I used to play like every peer that time, going outside in the woods, playing all kinds of games and so on. Life was normal at that time, my parents were very dysfunctional, but this wasn’t something I could comprehend as a child. My whole youth my mother influenced me negatively, by complaining about my father and treating me like an adult at moments like that, for example the way adults complain to each other about someone else, sometimes the truth and sometimes gossip. These conversations took place when my dad was at work Because of that I was always angry at my dad and saw every flaw as something negative. The relation between me and my dad was that time also very unnatural. I also have a little brother who is two years younger than me, so he and me are on the same page. The way of life was the same for many years, until I was 17 years old. A week before my 17th birthday (early December) my mother told me she had breast cancer, of course I was shocked. My mother had to undergo surgery and take chemo therapy. The surgery happened very well, unfortunately her breast needed to be amputated. After the surgery, she took the chemo therapy, in that process she went crazy. She talked about killing herself, was very instable and was scared to death about the chemo’s. Eventually she had to be hospitalized in the hospital at the department for mental instable people. Things did not change much, only when the chemo therapy was over. All that time my father stood by her side, motivated her, joined her to the chemo and psychological therapy, offered his lunchtime at work to see her and so on. When my mother wasn’t around anymore I saw that my father wasn’t a bad person and he had very good and caring sides. Al my life I was blind to this, because I only saw the negative. When it was, summer vacation we all did go to France (I live in The Netherlands) with the mobile home of my father. My mother was back and everything did go back to what we were used to. The negative influence from my mother changed me back to my previous way of thinking. After the vacation my mother wanted a divorce. My father was devastated and wanted to commit suicide so he cut his wrist. The cut wasn’t deep enough so his life wasn’t endangered. My mother involved me in this dilemma and eventually I called the emergency services, for my fathers on good. Eventually my father left for two weeks to his parents and I was at home with my mother. My mother was angry at him and told gossip al around our family and acquaintances. She also prepared to have the divorce. Eventually the divorce was in progress, my father came back home and my mother was going to live with her mother. Eventually were opened and I saw everything my mother had done. A while after that broke the contact with her, because she was still trying to manipulate me. Half a year went by so I ought to give her a chance. After a couple of times she was trying to influence me again, later I helped her to move her to her new house (the divorce is still in progress). I once again had enough of it and broke the contact again. Last year I tried to give her another chance, but things were still the same. Since then I haven’t spoken to her, because she blocked me on social media after an argument and I finally had enough of this madness. To this day, I haven’t spoken to her, she thinks my father is holding me and my brother back, but this is of course nonsense. I can conclude from here E-mails that she still is the same person as she always has been. I know she has a hard time to accept me as I am and will try to influence me once again. That is why I don’t communicate with her. Does someone has advice or an opinion about this, please let me now. Thanks for reading

Yo Martin, For more than a decade now, I've had the same exact problem. Through lots of introspection, what I've realized is that this mentality has wrapped its tentacles into every aspect of my life. It's not just the social life that's been affected; it's also career path, physical activity, familial relationships, general well-being, and pretty much everything else. All of these areas have been tainted with the idea that I somehow need to receive validation from others (external sources) in order to feel loved and not be abandoned. I don't know you or your situation, but you may want to look a little deeper to see how far down your people-pleasing rabbit hole goes. You may find that you still lie to yourself in many ways. Some questions to contemplate: Is your desire to be a "positive force" in the world less about helping others and more about wanting to be loved and appreciated? Do you have a tendency to try to "fix" other people? Have you ever considered that this is a method of masking your own perceived deficiencies? Do you isolate yourself (usually for spirituality purposes) and avoid conflict at all costs? Have you ever considered that is is a method of hiding perceived flaws and avoiding disapproval from others? Do you perform physical activities that you hate doing? Have you ever considered that this is because you want to look a certain way in order to receive approval from others? Do you believe it's selfish to put your needs first (spiritual belief of selflessness)? Have you ever considered that this is because you believe you are somehow defective or undeserving of love? As you begin to dig yourself out of this mess, as you've done, you'll find that most of your friendships are not real friendships; they are covert contracts. You've been using them for validation, and they give it to you, even though you may not even actually like these so-called friends. As a result, you've felt generally alienated and unsatisfied. I have two book suggestions for you. One is No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover. If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, this book will read like your autobiography. It's uncanny. In it, you'll find tools and action steps to transcending what the author calls the Nice Guy Syndrome. The second book is Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. This one will give you tools and action steps on how to be more honest with yourself and with others. As they always say, the truth will set you free. A fair warning though, when you begin to cultivate honesty, it will feel as though you are committing suicide. In a sense, you are. Lastly, some food for thought: "You can't have social anxiety if you don't want anything from other people." --Benjamin Smythe Cheers.

This thread has been moved to "Serious Emotional Problems" Call a national suicide prevention right away: 1-800-273-8255 If you are outside of the U.S., do a search on a suicide prevention agency in your country and call them right away. With that being said, I will try offer some advice on your UTI problem, which you believe is the only uncurable one, and seems to be where most of your depression is derived from. I think you can cure it. Have you tried Apple Cider Vinegar? It is a highly recommended herbal cure to this ailment, over every other listed cure. Please see here: http://www.earthclinic.com/cures/apple-cider-vinegar-for-bladder-infection.html If you have tried the Apple Cider Vinegar, have you tried it in the pill extract form? Go on Amazon and search for "Apple Cider Vinegar Extract" and you can find potent doses of this herbal cure, which you can use at your own discretion to try and cure your ailment. But again, call a suicide prevention agency right away.

It's ok that you feel that way, but I don't really see the benefits in killing one self. But there is a time for each one of us to come and go. And you never know when and how death will occur. So you could wait until death arrives. If I were in your position - and I am not (I tried to feel what you wrote as much as I could though) - I would maybe look if there are some videos of people that inspire you on youtube where they talk about death or physical suffering or suicide. So that you can put your situation in perspective. Not to escape, but to find the peace that is nevertheless here in abundance. You don't have to kill yourself to find peace imo.

@RJ Rhodes It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal.

I have come to my understanding through my own experience and doing the work. If Im "attached" to that just means that its working for me. I was ready to commit suicide two years ago, and if it was not for my spiritual path i would not be here now. Its going to take 20-30 years to become non attached to a system that saved me from taking my own life. If you imagine that this is a case of just dropping all ideas then you are mistaken. Ideas in the end release us from all ideas and identifications, in the end, not halfaway through, not just because some idiot on a website requests it of us because they want to win and disarm others by telling them they are identified with their path. And not because i couldnt really give a toss about what you think you know about "enlightement" while you stand there and speak in a way that very clearly deomostrates that you have merely made a conceptual ideology of this work and that you are indeed not free, or do you see that your ego was an idea, because free people dont need to strive for a better happiness than what already is. And yes, you can learn what projection is from one of leos videos and then use that as a weapon against anyone who doesnt fit your ideology, but this does not mean that you know what projection is, merely means you use it as a weapon while you project the idea of me projecting onto you. Projection is a mechanism you use to decieve yourself in order to win arguments based on internalized beliefs that are not in harmony with your experience. Ive already pointed out youre lying to yourself and everyone else by claiming you dont exist yet your ego makes value judgements and seeks to gain a "better" life than it already has. That is not the sign of an enlightened person, or an awakened person, its the sign of a liar who has taken on a belief system.

The death of a close loved one can be used for great spiritual growth and will sooner or later be realized as a great gift. Not only because most people have learned not to feel their emotions and not to show them, as this is a huge suppression of the true self and can create a very unbalanced mind full of confusion and frustration and the shock of such a death can break that pattern and allow for (collective) opening and release, if that doesn't happen then the burden gets heavier and a breakdown is even more likely. So yes, by all means take (a lot of) time to get in touch with the sadness. I've also noticed that a lot of the sadness is not actually related to the loss of the physical form of the beloved, but it reminds of the pain we feel because of the separation with our true self in spirit. My dad died 6 years ago, some years after that moment I started to learn to become more conscious in this life and in my dreams, which has resulted in having clear amazing contact in dreams and sometimes even contact here consciously. I know this is real, I've had one very confirmatory dream experience which I validated in 'real life' and the evidence in general is clear. (www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com). Yet still, often it still touches me deeply when I might feel him in meditation or wake up from a dream, not because I am that sad he isn't here physically, after all, we meet on the regular, but because it reminds me of the free true free self full of unconditional love and free from suppressed emotions, fear and actually least importantly, I think, the physical body. Every time it touches me, it allows for the growth of my being, because it sheds some of the suppression and creates more realization of the true self which I then may re-member. And contrary to what you might expect, I actually dream more often of him now then I used to do a few years ago. I belief because it's less of such a shock to my system now, whereas otherwise it might be too much of a distraction and too strong of an desire for suicide if you are not settled strongly enough on the path. Peace and love, you can handle it.

Technically suicide will solve all of your humanely problems.

I quit doing pickup back in July after attending a PUA event which left me incredibly disillusioned. After quitting, I spiraled into a deep depression unlike none I have ever had before. I couldn't even bring myself to meditate anymore since then and was struggling to find a reason to go on living afterwards. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want more clothes, I didn't care about success, and came to hate socializing. Even now I still avoid socializing whenever possible and have distanced myself almost all my friends. Over the course of those three months, I finished the remainder of Jed Mckenna's Enlightenment series, and began seeking, like for real. I also bought Haunted Universe about a month ago. Between the time when I quit pickup and began seeking enlightenment, I've also had many emotional epiphanies which led me to a deeper and deeper understandings of the nature of enlightenment as well as an out of body experience which led me to believe i was some sort of "ghost driving a body suit". Very deep, frightening insights, but I wouldn't consider my current state to be "abiding nondual awareness". I think this entire time, I was expecting enlightenment to save me from the inner demons that were let loose when I decided to quit PUA. I was so miserable that I said to myself, "Either enlightenment or nothing else (suicide)." I was incredibly angry. But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons. However, I almost can't bring myself to do this, because not only would it feel like a huge step backward, but I have also come to hate socializing and have no motivation do so unless some outside force compels me to do so. I struggle with a lot doublethink, cognitive dissonance and ambivalence. On the one hand, I don't want a girlfriend and understand that I'm neither qualified or motivated to play the role of "alpha male" yet my ego is salivating at the thought of this. On one hand, I'm antimaterialistic (not that it's better than materialism) and on the other hand, I want new jackets, shoes, and whatnot. On on hand, I don't care too much about how my life ends up yet on the other hand, I want to be successful, have a good job, etc. Is the "ego death" i thought I was undergoing recently just depression? Is it just my DNA driving me to go out and do shit? Should I really be a PUA again? What do I make of this?

@Leo Gura Although I would agree that I am lost in life, I wouldn't say that I lack the maturity to pursue enlightenment. I've been doing self development for ay least three years now, two of those following you. I would at least consider myself an intermediate. My study of enlightenment theory also is not limited to Jed Mckenna especially since his tone is radically different from Tolle who is the first teacher I ever followed. I've also followed Spira, Swan, Krishnamuri, Young, Norquist, Adyashanti, Sadguru, etc. Lots of parallels but different still. All of the pretty much say what @Frogfucius said which is just lip service at this point. In any case my intense yearning for death has been caused more so by my intense hatred of existence which lasted for at two months. I come in and out of it. The thought of working for another 60 or 70 years for no reason other than to survive and reproduce disgusts and frightens Maybe that's "immature" but that does make it any less real. The clock on humanity is running out pretty soon anyway because of greed and ignorance. My interpretation of life being a dream is that people don't "die", the fade in and our of existence much like how a person fades in and out of a dream. Once I do fade out of existence, there's really no telling where "i" might end up next. There's not really anywhere to go because I'm everywhere and everything but that's just my intellectual understanding. I don't claim to be enlightened or on the brink of it, I'm just saying most of these things make sense conceptually. In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

Yoga means that now there is no hope, now there is no future, now there are no desires. Total despair is needed. That despair is called dukkha by Buddha. And if you are really in misery, don’t hope, because your hope will only prolong the misery. Your hope is a drug. It can help you to reach death only and nowhere else. All your hopes can lead you only to death. They are leading. If you are disillusioned, if you are hopeless, if you have completely become aware of the futility of all desires, if you see your life as meaningless – whatsoever you have been doing up to now has simply fallen dead nothing remains in the future, you are in absolute despair. If you are in anguish, suffering, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, not knowing to whom to look, just on the verge of madness or suicide or death, your whole pattern of life suddenly has become futile. If this moment has come, Patanjali says, NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA. Only now you can understand the science of yoga, the discipline of yoga. If that moment has not come,you can go on studying yoga, you can become a great scholar, but you will not be a yogi. You can write theses upon it, you can give discourses upon it, but you will not be a yogi. The moment has not come for you. Intellectually you can become interested, through your mind you can be related to yoga, but yoga is nothing if it is not a discipline. Yoga is not a scripture. It is a discipline. It is something you have to do. It is not curiosity; it is not philosophic speculation. It is deeper than that. It is a question of life and death.

@Huz these...https://azarius.net/smartshop/magic-mushrooms/magic-truffles-sclerotia/ For sale over the counter in The Netherlands. Magic mushrooms, fresh or dried, can't be sold anymore in The Netherlands. Because there was one(!!) case in the past, where someone commited suicide, that may have involved magic mushrooms. If you compare this to the anual death toll of alcohol, you can see how ridiculous this is. Anyway, truffles are just a way to avoid petty laws. They are not technically 'mushrooms', and thus can be sold freely. Because, when talking about psilocybin mushroom dosage, people are usually talking about dried grams of mushrooms. Unless mentioned otherwise. Truffles are sold fresh, refrigerated and vacuum sealed, not dried. Fresh they contain alot of water weight. About 90% of fresh truffles, and mushrooms is water. So 10 grams of fresh truffles equals about 1 gram of dried mushrooms.

Well.. i don't want to repeat but yeah the more things you're attached to the more you're suceptible to suffer. It doesn't only applies to material things it also goes towards your psichology. I've been by most of this year on a journey of letting go. Actually it was fun, i started getting rid of all the unnecesary things i had on my room (and life) and my friends said to me all the time that if i was planning to suicide or what (i got rid of A LOT of things) jajajaja but actually i just found that although those things are nice and were good memories it was all in the past and most of those things were not relevant to my life now and just a way of manifestating my ego and my NEED to hold my past and that which i "built" although i knew i wouldnt need it anymore. At one point of my life i got to the realization that "it's better to travel light", first were the books, then clothing.. then other things like my gaming pc and my unused electric guitar.. but then it started shifting towards more deep things like pleasing other people, my relationship with money, my relationship with friends, family and romantic partners... and then it was towards just changing my life and accepting that yeah, life changes; i'll say no more as that is the moment that i am now If i could say anything is that.. yeah, it's better to travel light

This is neurotic, obsessive, and self-centered. This isn't a life purpose, hell no, and it isn't even a relationship. It's a needy, selfish, foolishly idealistic attachment to your idea of a person. For fuck sake man! To be specific, there are some very obvious problems here. One, you're trying to force your will on a person. That never works. Two, you yourself have unaddressed psychological issues. If you aren't mentally healthy yourself, how do you expect to take care of someone else, especially when they're mentally ill? However good your intentions, you will do damage. Also, how devastating would it be for you if she did die, whether from suicide or something else? If you see what you'd be doing as a "life purpose", your whole purpose and world would collapse. Let it go. You can't help her. Build up yourself first. Fix your emotional issues. Then if you still have the urge you could pursue a career as a social worker or whatever else.

7731 ...and the new video is ooooon... money! Nice topic when America just got a tycoon as a president... Nice topic when just some days ago I wrote a german poetry slam on being poor. It brings many funny stories with it, like Leos when they had to light candles because their electricity was cut off. No, seriously about most of the stuff that has to do with the lack of money I do laugh now. Still, when I think of the future I tend to worry... At least I can say that I am not afraid of the word business and it´s not that I am completely idealess about what I could do. The thing is that I don´t want to walk on thin ice. I know that I don´t know much about it and I want to learn. Last semester I even tried to attend a course from the business administration faculty to get a taste of the basics but it was a way too time and energy consuming investigation and I decided to put my focus on other things first... That´s another struggle with self actualization... To take decisions on what to learn first because somehow, it´s all important because it´s all part of life... Health, relationships, spirituality... money... depression I´ve learned to get through my downs. My very low psychological downs. When they end I get caught in something I call an identity crisis. I do not have neurotic thoughts anymore but I am extremely problematized about who I want to be and what I want to do. It is basically going from thinking nothing is possible and the world is ending to everything is possible and just take responsibility. The power scares me and paralyzes me. I spent last week sort of hiding in my four walls, rearranging my life and making up a plan that will, freeze time for me in a sense. I took a couple of decisions and had some realizations on what I really need and want and how "I bloom". time Let´s be honest. Learning takes its time and making a really good plan, mental preparation and training execution-they all take time. Last week there was this episode on culture (I do the worksheets by the way). Do you know the Lewis model of how time is understood in different cultures? I found that very interesting when I read about it around a year ago http://www.businessinsider.com/how-different-cultures-understand-time-2014-5?IR=T . I think it´s a little like an invisible religion. Everytime one looks at the clock, "one does his/her prayor" and I like to think of all those expressions we use about time and I like to replace the word by "life". I have no time vs I have no life. Wasting time vs wasting life. I don´t have time for that vs I don´t have life for that. In some expressions you can even replace it with death. Even though for us humans time is always a symbol of finiteness it allows us to somehow cover up the direct confrontation with the finiteness of our lives themselves. Then there are people who are pressured by it, or are addicted to this invisible weird thing. Seriously... And there are all those other perspectives from which you can look at it, not just semantics or philosophy or psychology-how about physics? Do you remember this elder man I told you about who I visited in summer, my neighbour John? Before I left he said that I should remember that time is stretchable and suppressable. How did he mean that? I can´t stretch and suppress time... Or do I? I don´t even know if behind this construct, this concept there is something I can truly grasp. Uh life´s so weird... And then "time runs". Like water. Don´t get me started in that one... spiderweb Let me tell you something... Even though the journal helps me in some ways I find it stupid. I never feel wise writing the journal and I know I´d never feel wise even if I ever accomlished saying something wise. The only time I feel wise in my life is like in situations like this morning, when I am silent, I am standing between some trees and the sun is shining through the clouds and I can hear the wind and see the trees moving and the leaves falling down like oversize confetti. My life is like vision through a spider web. I can see the web, I can see what´s behind but I can´t see it in all clarity and all beauty. But I can see it and I know it´s real just like the web is real. Now one could just get rid of that strangely transparent but still visible web by destroying it... If one overcomes the fear of the spider... Who made the web... And if one is willing to get a little dirty... I wish real life was as simple as removing spider webs. I used to be afraid of spiders by the way... But then I learned loving them. My favorite is Bagheera Kiplingi. Obviously because it´s cute, colourful and vegan. But please note that I´ve never encountered one in real life. wind Okay we talked about time and money and spiders so let me give in to the wind... I remember being a child and sticking my hand out of the cars window to feel the wind because wind was really soft even when it was very, very strong and sometimes even painful. And when it is really strong and on an island surrounded by the sea it tends to get really strong then sometimes it builds so much resistance that you can´t really close that little hand and it feels as if you can hold it. As if this ungraspable gas is an object. Okay, okay I know I should stop my isolation because I am starting to look at the world like an alien again but I really love it and let me continue... And I remember as a child that in winter I would go outside sometimes and literarly let myself fall against the wind without falling down and that was pure awesomenes. My grandfather from my fathers side died when I was a child but he once told my mother that a life in which he can´t feel the wind in his face is unworthy living to him. When he was brought to the hospital and realized that from now on he´d be bed bound he just died within weeks, in fact he died when I was on a vacation in Germany. Sometimes I wonder if he committed suicide. He loved his life but I can imagine him doing so. If he did then I think it was smart because nobody there had the knowledge or knew how to get access to the knowledge that would had made the situation financialy, psychologicaly and medicaly best. So... A life away from my values is no life, I do not want to die in misery and I want to be brave enough to end it in case all hope gets lost rather than suffer waiting for death but before all I want to enable myself to get and sustain my dream life as long as possible and that ladies and gentlemonkeys... Well, I´m working on that... DNA, a little family history and geography Leaving aside all cultural influences... I have some influences through my genes too. I have influences on who I think or used to think I am just by the landscape I grew up in... As I was going through one of my so called identity crisis I digged up memories again and tried to remember good memories to find my way to set my life in a way I´ll get more of those. First I want to mention that my mother mainly grew up in a small village near Munich in Germany. As a child she´d swimm in a river and she even said that together with other kids they´d build a float, a raft from woodpieces and float on the river with that... And dad? Well dad grew up on the island (I just noticed that I like saying island instead of Rhodes and Greece because I feel uncomfortable doing so) in a small village at the foot of the highest mountain. He´d walk miles and miles as a child. He had no toys apart from a slingshot but he and his siblings shared a donkey (all this is from second sources because he never talks to me about the past and actually there have been years in which he sort of did not talk with me at all-imagine something like the grandpa of Heidi and no, not the cartoon)... None of my anchestors are city people, not even town people in fact. None of my anchestors have gone to university and none of my anchestors were saving money with 13 I think, to buy a Nintendo DS light... (Red coloured of course because when I was a child red was my favourite colour). Me? I grew up pendling between town and the sea coast middle of nowhere and some summer vacations in Germany. I have felt being ripped out of context about a million times. I remember something though. I remember being at that beach with walls of rocks on both the left and the right side and I was there with one of, if not my best friend from the closest village, ( I think I´ll dedicate a whole entry to her one day because humans have fascinated me a lot throughout this life) and we were jumping from that rocks into the water. We were on the second highest rock (I said I´d jump from the highest with 18 but with 18 despite visiting the island I did not visit this beach) and from experience I can tell that the longer you wait the worse it gets and I was trying to overcome my resistance looking at the view from up there (be ensured that it was great), I took a mental photograph at that moment and then thought "It´s my house/home (in greek that´s one word for both)" and jumped. My summers as a child were mostly spent on beaches and this beach in particular was something I knew in and out. It was part of home. I was never deeply patriotic but I liked nature and being part of it and that has not changed untill today. Oh and don´t you dare assume that all other kids felt the same way. Like even my brother who had the potential to feel similarly to me did not simply because he is afraid of deep waters... And climbing rocks was never his thing either-he read comics and books instead. I´m not afraid despite the fact when I was a child I did as well have this other friend who was living by the port (the island has two ports-that´s the small one) and one day we were really deep in the sea and she thought it would be fun to just push me under water with zero warning... Obviously I thought this was my end and that I will have to die but somehow even without having taken a breath I made it back to the surface... pfff... The stupidity of humans is more dangerous than any octopus, crab, sea eal or eagle or big wave. Okay, whatever, I´ll go do the worksheet now... No, actually just allow me to keep talking... Oh and I sound like a grandma-no seriously- when I tell stories about my life I tend to talk about them in a tone as if my life is already over... I have so many memories of so many people and experiences. At least my perspectives come from something real that allows me to recognize and relate to other people. Sometimes I feel the urge to just hold the impression I got from a person from who I learned something or shared any experience with. Sometimes I don´t want to write about myself at all. I tend to isolate myself, still humans are my main teachers and therefore inspirations. I could watch them forever. It started in kindergarden... I was late and the others were already playing a game that translates to something like "there comes there comes the bee" where kids walk in a row forming a circle and sing and pass under each others arms and clap and shit like that and I looked at this and had one simple thought: What the fuck? This made zero sense, was completely stupid, non creative, non adveturous and had nothing to do with bees... Of course I had to conform after a while and participate. Later in elementary I kept mostly observing rather than participating... In second or third of elementary the kid sitting next to me got incredibly angry because I was constantly staring at him. The teacher had to change my seat... I´d stare at people and I would notice everything. When I was 8 or 9 the teacher said to my mum that I was so silent that she forgets my existance. I think with 10 or 11 I started to stare less at everyone and focused on drawing cartoon frogs on my books (in Greece school books are freshly printed every year and made of simple paper-most children throw them away when the school year is over and in higher grades they like to rip out the pages or even burn them-yes they absolutely love going to school or learning... not...). my theory is that I got inspired by a character in a manga comic I´d read sometimes who had an obsession with frogs-not that I identified with her but I definitely found this authentic... Okay I forgot where I wanted to go with this...

@NTOgen I would like to comment on each sentence, but let's keep to the juiciest minimum. I know that real christians only dislike that they are left alone w/o man they used to love and be with. But they firmly believe and act out of the place that the dead are in a better world so no grief for them is due. Suicide is the worst sin -> eternal suffering -> not doing it. Let's agree that thinking, investigation and analysis are the same thing - prefrontal cortex logical stuff, our "drill" as Rali puts it. So asking yourself who am I, observing, contemplating, analyzing the answer and re-asking from that new place again and again - is what was postulated as "proper" stuff in my initial question, where SDS is a catalyzer. My question is what process do you postulate instead? P.S. All this feedbacking and wiring stuff is not good - it's not formal enough to be biologically correct, let's drop it, it's a rabbit hole. (I sometimes think much simpler that pure awareness is one program and ego is the other and logic is the third, emotions is 4th, sensations, memory... and they all communicate with each other in our brain - computer) This is a misunderstanding -> from your previous points I understood you force that thinking on your belief web alone would do it w/o observations and contemplation and I exactly formulated my point based on that.

Animals (dolphins and whales, mainly) have been known to torture, commit suicide, mourn death, rescue people, and so on. Male chimpanzees have been known to commit infanticide and eat the baby, even when the baby may in all likelihood be theirs. Chimpanzees have also been documented as going to war with other tribes - the only non-human species known to have committed acts of war.

This is exactly the sort of baloney that's being circulated, especially in some Buddhist sects. It's a real joke and I have absolutely no doubt that some of this is contributing to the demise of Buddhism. The most convincing theory of reincarnation I've heard is from the karma kanda sections of the Vedas and it goes like this: For the sake of simplicity karma is accumulated actions. For example, if you eat an ice cream and enjoy it you create a tendency to repeat that behaviour which causes a preference to repeat that action. It becomes a habit that just lives itself out repeatedly. The traces of these actions are called "fragrances" in the Vedas. The modern scientific explanation (which supports the Vedic theory) is that these tendencies are stored in seed form in the causal body, or if you prefer the DNA or the 'unmanifest'. These genetic tendencies are also called 'vasanas' and it's the vasanas that create another body to continue to act out the karma accumulated in the "previous lifetime". So the "person" and the physical body that the vasanas create is the part that dies (well in actuality energy doesn't even die it is just transformed), but the vasanas continue to live on and they are the aspect that creates the next body. This is why quantum physics asserts that it can prove the existence of God. God is basically the causal body projecting these tendencies outward in order for consciousness to experience itself as forms. That's all we are really as individuals. The vasanas. The Gunas (shakti or energy) are the "fabric" of existence that allows these vasanas to play out. The vasanas provide the action and the Gunas provide the canvas for the action to take place on. So the Gunas are satva, Rajas and tamas. These are just Sanskrit names for the three forms in which shakti appears in form. Satva is the ideas, tamas is the material aspect and Rajas is the projecting power that transforms satva into tamsaic concrete objects. An analogy of this would be the creation of a guitar. Satva is the idea of the guitar, tamas is the materials (wood, metal and plastic) and Rajas is the action that makes the idea into a reality - the energy of assembling the different parts of the guitar to make the idea into a material object. This makes much more sense to me than a lot of the theories put there. Suicide I assume would continue to manifest itself in some negative tendency in the next body that bundle of samksaras creates.

Ordinarily, the man who commits suicide does not do it feeling himself responsible for it. Mostly he feels people are driving him to commit suicide; certain circumstances, certain events are compelling him to end his life. If the circumstances were not such, he would not have attempted the suicide. A man, for instance, was in love with someone, but his love was not returned. Now he wants to end his life. Had his love been reciprocated, there would have been no need for him to embrace death. In fact, this man who is contemplating suicide is not doing so with any readiness to die really. He is willing to live only on one condition. Since the condition has not been fulfilled, hence the denial of life. The man is not interested in dying actually; the truth is, he has lost interest in living. So basically this kind of suicide is a forced one. Therefore, if a person who is about to end his life can be stopped even for two seconds, perhaps he will not attempt it the second time. Just the delay of a couple of moments can be enough, because in those moments his mental resolve will fall apart -- it was put together forcibly. A man committing suicide is not making a resolve. The fact is he is running away from making the resolve. Ordinarily, a man who has killed himself is not a brave man; he is a coward. Actually, life was asking him to exercise his will; it was telling him, "The woman you loved before... now make a resolve and forget her." But the man didn't have the capacity. Life was pointing out to him: "Forget the person you loved before, love someone else." But the man didn't have the guts. Life tells someone, "You were rich until yesterday, today you are bankrupt. Nevertheless, live!" He doesn't have the courage. He is not able to make a determination and live. He sees only one way out: self-destruction. He does this in order to avoid making firm resolves. Meeting death like this is not a demonstration of his positive will; rather, it is a show of his negative will. A negative will is of no use. Such a man will be born with an even weaker soul in his next life -- with a much more impotent soul than the one he had in this life, because he escaped from a situation that had offered him an opportunity to arouse his will.